whyitsmemyselfandi

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

Ten years from now…

I’ll be in my forties (eeek) still married, hopefully raising a young kid, and an established theatre career. Maybe I give acting workshops to up and coming actors. Or maybe I’ll be selling my jewelry for real on the side. I would like to have travelled possibly to Europe, and continue to have a close knit group of friends.

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

Personal ramble below

it is just the weirdest thing looking back in my old posts from 10+ years ago. My life is so different now than it was then, with some familiar themes. I’m married, am a cat mom to an adorably sassy cat, and am now finally starting to realize my dreams as an actor, no doubt greatly influenced Starkid.

I still have a lot of feelings all the time, and instead of writing about them, I’ve been focusing on talking about them. It’s always easier in writing though. Often the feelings feel to big to say out loud and I get overwhelmed. I think that writing them out is still important and helps them breathe first, so maybe I’ll be more active on here.

A nagging fear/intrusive thought is that I’m too slow for any of this creative endeavour…for small business work, for drawing and art. But not for acting. No, at least acting and singing I’ve received tangible feedback from others that I have some talent, and those will be my main focuses. But it’s the unfinished works in my notes app. I went to a wonderfully gay musical cabaret last night, and one of the performers’ introductions mentioned that they had completed 19 finished works and over 200 unfinished works. I don’t know if it’s the ADHD that keeps me from finishing things and instead going for the next new project or if it’s simply human nature. I al want to write and perform poems. But doing the thing is difficult. I need that outside motivation to complete the thing. That’s why auditioning has been so motivating, thrilling, and adrenaline-rushing.

so here’s more things I want to do this summer

Practice and record monologues and attend cold read sessions

Be a vendor at 1 market this summer

Perform at monthly drop in improv nights

meditate weekly

I’m planning on making a follow up post about a month later and at end of summer.

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

Choir performances ended last week, and after a huge weekend hibernation, I feel I'm emerging back out into the world. I have so many feelings about choir.

The Beginning

This year, the beginning felt fresh and exciting. Learning new songs, Becoming more familiar with the music, and hearing the group perform for the first time--it felt so meaningful and hopeful. I got some positive feedback at the beginning, and I felt like I'd improved

The Middle

Then comes the long middle, the 2-3 months of detailed focus on the specifics of the song, along with the introduction of 2-3 more songs mid-semester. My director would focus on specific songs more than others, and then others songs wouldn't sound as precise. It was sometimes a slog to get through and rework pieces and find that perfect sound.

The End

Then the actual performances came. This time, the festival adjudicators gave precise, thoughtful feedback on how we could improve, and it really injected some life back into these songs. I felt in the last week there was a spike in improvement and brought back that freshness from the beginning. It was a full week, rehearsing nearly every night with the choir, and all leading up to the final Saturday performance. Honestly by the time Saturday came, I was quite tired, so the evening wasn't as exciting as the Wednesday performance. I wasn't nervous during the performance, just tired and determined. However, three of the more soulful songs (including Storm Comin') felt really exciting and fresh, and it was satisfying hearing our improvement in our phrasing, dynamics, and heart. I look forward to watching the recording and hopefully being able to hear the full voices.

The Aftermath

In a way, I wished the choir was longer or that there was a final wrapup party. So many hours of preparation, so much heart and emotion pushed into the performance, and then in a week, it's over and gone, and leaving me feeling a little empty and lonely. I really feel the absence of choir, and it reminds me of weekend camp trips with the team and the post-weekend depression after all that buildup. As much as being around people exhausts me, they bring a sense of comfort, community and fulfillment too, and I miss it when they're gone. Is it weird to grieve the end of the semester? Time to insert some joy into my regular life, I guess.

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

I just finished my second audition ever tonight and it went really well! Performed my piece twice to settle the nerves. The director and producer gave off really good vibes and I got to make them laugh with my cat impressions.

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

William B. “Bill” Watterson II.

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

Here's the thrill

Chase the thrill

or the high

the rush of starting something new

take out the seam

pick up the needle

come on, I think this is gonna be fun

if life has been such a flat lonely wasteland

this new adventures is just the start

of a windy hill to climb

But what happens when

shit hits the fan

or you can barely catch your breath

that you gaze longingly at the lovely flat ground

wishing you were there

you want to reach the top

for the amazing sunlit views

but the uphill climb

is too much

and you slowly descend....

Maybe you need to catch your breath

take the foot off the pedal

breathe in the wind

listen to the rustle of the leaves

feel the strength around you

the music in the air

refill, refresh, resolve

and look out at this love

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

So far this year has been a lot of me revisiting my creative side, from writing, drawing, doodling, zines, beading, and a tiny bit of sewing. I want to do it all and improve on everything, but it’s hard when I get bored after an hour. So far what’s working is completing it in chunks. An 1 hr of crochet in morning, afternoon, and evening, and then I see progress.

Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I’m going to apply for a local vendor market. Seeing a first time vendor with her small amount of craft and really cute items inspired me to start making things. My brain is going a bit wild bouncing from idea to idea. The idea is so new and novel that it’s overwhelming and taking up a lot of space in my brain..and I want to slow my brain down and not get burnt out on the idea itself that I drag my feet and have no desire to make the things. I want to focus on small handmade jewelry, crochet figures and maybe zines? Perhaps the zines could be separate from the market and simply advertised at a local business. It’s really easy for me to hyperfocus and then crash afterwards. If I decide on the parameters now that will give me a bit of a fence for all my thoughts (keeping my main item, just make a few prototypes and see if I like them, not getting too zealous in the idea generation phase).

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

AIO Fan Artwork

My final draft of my artwork submission for Odyssey’s 1000 artwork tribute. Thanks for all your answers to the poll, but I couldn’t pass up the lawnmower scene. Pretty happy with how it turned out!

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

AIO fan art submission

I just submitted my request for AIO’s fan art submission and am drawing Aubrey from the split episode, The Long Way Home. My main medium is pencil sketches, so now my brain is overthinking what “finished artwork” means. Should it be colorized? I guess I’d have to put out my pencil crayons then and potentially make it look worse

anyway, here’s a rough sketch. I’d love to put some queer themes into it, but AIO would def nix that.

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

Adventures in Odyssey ramble

So I jumped back into the AIO fandom this year after a very long hiatus and am catching up with all the episodes including all the Buck and Jules ones and Buck’s search to find his father. So far my favorite ones were of Emily Olivia losing her faith—really well done in depth episodes.

and ever since the podcast teased Townsend Coleman as the acting voice of Eugene, I’ve been on baited breath waiting for his episode and really all the new episodes from the new album. Oct 7th can’t come soon enough!

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

Here’s a beautiful interview with Amanda Lindsey Cook about her last album, "House on a Hill" and taking in the presence of God through community, eating with people, walks in naitre, and so much more than "monologuing to a patriarchy in the sky"

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

I was cleaning out my computer and came across videos from 9, 10, and 11 years ago of old vlogs. I’m still that same person...the fangirl who gets so excited about new music, concerts, etc., the worker who becomes easily attached to friendly colleagues...the one with strong emotions who is good at hiding them around everyone except her close family.

But I’m more than that girl as well. That girl was beautiful and treasured, and adored. I am a dedicated and loyal worker. And while I can reclaim parts of that girl, I can also reclaim longings and desires as I see them for healthy relationships and deep connections. Reclaim all of myself...the light and dark sides, the insecurity, the fear, the embodied person, the grounded person, and the one who delights in things. Accepting the mosaic of myself and showing up in this world with the assumption that I’m already accepted. That I matter. That my voice matters. There’s an earnestness in my that’s developed over the years. And it can dulled down by certain routines, fatigue, or overwhelm. But the earnestness and yearnings and longings are beautiful. I’m learning that, in this period of solace before school starts again. 

I want to give myself permission to show up. To speak up when I should. To give room for others to speak. To communicate my expectations, worries, and struggles. To be honest with myself, my loved ones, and my partner. To ride the wave of working and ups and downs of energy, of learning more intellectually while also cultivating my heart and body as well.

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

I admit it, I waited up for this song’s release last night and then stayed up even later watching the lyric video again and again...

"Her first album as Falcon releases later this fall (2020)"

We're getting a new album from Amanda!!!

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

A lovely hip flow for all of you 💕

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

It’s weird how when you stop trying to be the person you were and accept the person you are, it eases the burden. Accepting your doubts, fears, questions, as well as your joys and hopes. You can be hopeful and doubtful. It is okay.

[whyitsmemyselfandi]

I'm back...

Literally, from another country. I went to Asia for a month to stay with family and I feel I've come back a whole new person. Now that I've returned, I feel inclined to catch up with all the YouTube and Facebook videos I've missed and see all the Broadway news, and finish all the tv shows I started. But it's different. I want to be different. In the month away, I barely watched any tv, and that was only on the flights to and from. Life felt much simpler...I had so much more time in my hands, and often it was just me and God. I want to retain that simplicity. I don't want to be online all the time or be on social media aimlessly to simply pass the time. I want to spend time doing things I love that aren't media-related. A blogger I love referred to it as "resourcing." Spending time on things and people that fill me up. Filling my mind with inspiring content and focusing on personal developement rather than mindlessly consuming.