winewitandwords

[winewitandwords]

I’m sorry for your loss. If you need to talk, you can message me.

thats very kind of you. thank you <3

[winewitandwords]

Keene

Today your body was laid to rest. At 34 years old, your remains were put into the cold, dark and unforgiving ground. At 34 years old, your heart ceased to function, and your presence among us faded to memories of happier days. At 34 years old you made one of the stupidest fucking choices you could have ever made- and you lost your life as a result. You played russian roulette and you went all in, and the stakes were too damn high. 

You were one of us, Keene. You studied the same information, received the same knowledge, sat in the same lectures as the rest of us. You read first hand, you saw from the front line, the dangers of the fentanyl crisis and you, like the rest of us CYC’ers knew better than most just how stupid it was to mess with. But yet, even with all the information and all the knowledge under your belt, you chose to use drugs from an untrusted source- and as a result your heart stopped beating. In that moment, in that instant that you drew your last breath, that your heart ceased to beat, mine broke into a million tiny pieces- because I loved you. I loved you in a way that only those of us that survived CYC together can love one another, I loved you like a brother, like a confidante and like a fellow comrade. We went through things that no one could begin to understand, we saw things that no one could begin to imagine- and as a result we formed a bond stronger than any of us believed possible. But, now youre gone, and that bond is broken. And I am so incredibly sad- but more than that, Keene, more that heartbroken, is the fact that I am so fucking angry at you. I hate you. I hate the choice you made .I hate that you left us. I hate that were the ones that are left behind with the grief and the anger and the broken hearts. I hate that you arent here. I hate that Ill never again be able to just pick up the phone and talk to you about whatever little thing is bothering me. Or bothering you. I hate that in one split second, because of one bad choice, I lost not only a best friend but someone I considered to be like a brother. 

But most of all, I hate the fact that I dont know how to carry on without you, how to forgive you, how to let go of all the emotions I feel right now- I hate that I love you and I miss you and that my heart feels like it will never beat the same way again. 

Rest in peace, Keene- but know that when we do meet again, Im going to kick your fucking ass for leaving me here to face this world without you. And god damn it, you better put on your damn guardian angel wings and watch out for us- because there has to be some reason that you were taken from us. I love you, you fucking fool. Until the end of time. Even when Im still busy hating you. 

[winewitandwords]

[winewitandwords]

BLAH

guys  I legit dont even know what to write about tonight. Its mother effing pre shark week and my brain is fried. My emotions are fullscale and Im just a mess. My anxiety is peaked at a level it hasnt reached in a long time and I legitimately just want to drink a bottle of wine and crawl into bed. However, I am a parent and I have a tiny human that needs to know her mommy is available if she needs her, so maybe only a glass of wine tonight, and because the weather is super windy and stormy, I wont be sleeping in my bed, but in my daughters as she made just about the cutest, most heartbreaking plea for it tonight when I tucked her in. 

Actually maybe thats what ill write about- my journey to becoming a mom

I never thought I would be a mom. I had several miscarriages (looking back, hidden blessings as tragic as it is to say) and *shudder* *here comes the judgement* two absolutely heart wrenching, soul destroying and life changing abortions. Why? Because the first time I got pregnant, I was seeing someone I had known a long time. I was madly head over heels for him- and failed to realize that his dick was in every other woman it could find. I found out I was pregnant three days before I found out he was cheating. I was 21 and nowhere near old enough or responsible enough to raise a child, and definitely was not going to use a child to hold onto a cheater. The decision was heart wrenching, and I went by myself to the procedure- honestly it was the worst day of my life. I wanted to die. i wanted to trade my life for the innocent little life I was about to end. Its a choice Ive never truly recovered from. Fast forward to a couple years later- out at the bar dancing with friends- met a guy, he bought me a drink, we danced and danced, had another couple drinks and then the whole world went fuzzy, I remember suddenly not being able to stand up or to talk but being completely aware of what was happening. I remember not being able to see my friends, I remember being half carried, half drug out to the parking lot, a bouncer stopping us to see if i was ok on our way and the guy tellng him I was his cousin and I had been drugged and needed to go home. I remember thinking ‘No, Fuck, Help me! He drugged me.’ and wishing I could scream for help. I remember being thrown into the seat of a truck, and then everything kind of faded out until I woke up on a random bed, in a random apartment, and realized what was happening to me. I remember trying to open my mouth to scream, trying to move away from him, trying to throw my arms and legs to get him away from me. I remember every minute, every thrust, every touch of that night. I remember feeling the wetness of tears soaking my face but not being able to move my hand to wipe them away. I remember hm telling me to get up, and how he roughly hauled me off the bed and down the hall to the exit. I remember him calling a cab and shutting the door behind me. I remember the cab driver realizing that the sad crying dishelveled girl in the parking lot was in trouble and helping me into the cab. I remember him asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital or the police and my telling him no, i just wanted to go home. I remember him asking if there was someone that he could call for me. I remember how unbelievably kind he was, even though he could have treated me like any other fare. I remember him pleading with me to go to the hopsital and my refusing. I was so ashamed, I felt so dirty, All i wanted to do was go home and crawl into the shower. I remember my phone ringing and him answering it, because i had started to cry so hard I could barely breathe let alone talk. I remember him explaining that he had picked me up at a building and that I needed to be with someone. I remember my friend meeting me back at my building and the cab driver begging me one more time to let him take me to report what had happend, and him helping me out of the cab when again I said no. In my own mind this had to have been my fault. I had to have done something to deserve what had happened that night. I just needed to get upstairs and get clean. I remember stumbling up the stairs as I started to get the use of my arms and legs back- I remember walking into my bathroom and turning the shower on as hot as i could, without saying a word. I remember standing in that shower and crying underneath spray so hot it felt like it could have melted my skin. I remembered falling to my knees and then curling up in the fetal position and crying until the water ran cold. I remember wrapping up in a towel, and getting dressed in clean clothes and throwing my ones from earlier in the garbage. I remember my friend pleading with me to tell her what had happened, to tell her that I was ok, or what I needed, and I remember not being able to find words, and instead just carrying on in silence. I remember crawling into my bed, and feeling him and his hands everytime I closed my eyes. I remembered and felt it all- including the fact that I knew that he hadnt worn a condom. 

I went to the clinic the next day and got the morning after pill. I took it exactly as directed, I submitted to a pap smear and blood test, saying I wanted to make sure I was clean- but not saying why I had cause to be concerned. I remember anxiously waiting, praying for any sign of the painful cramps that would signal the effectiveness of the Plan B- and pleading with any higher power that may exist for me to not be pregant- but my pleas fell on deaf ears. My period due date came and went, I told myself it was stress. I told myself to just wait a few more days, until it was two weeks past my day, and I knew I was in trouble. I took the test that night and sat on my bathroom floor and cried for a good half hour before I could find the strength to pick up the phone and book that hateful appt for the second, and even if my life depended on it, last time ever. I called a friend and told her some story about how I had gotten really drunk and messed up by sleeping with someone and the condom broke- asked if she would go with me and if I could stay with her. She was so sympathetic and amazing about the whole thing- right up to and including the actual apointment, even offering to stay with me the next night so I wasnt alone- but I wanted to be alone more than anything. It took me months to finally stop hating myself for that one- not because i had aborted a baby- no, I knew that was the definite right decision in that situation, but for having ever been in the situation to begin with. I hated myself for not reporting the rape, for not getting help- and sometimes, truth be told, I still hate myself today for it,

So, you see, I never thought I would be a mom. Never thought I would deserve to be a mom after what I had done. And then one day, in admist the worst relationship I could have ever found, and as a result of a medication interaction between birth control and antibiotics, I found myself once again staring at the two solid lines on a pregancy test- but knowing, that this time, this baby, was meant to be my baby. 

Ive never told anyone the truth about my abortions. My parents dont know anything about it. My friends only know the version I felt safe enough to tell them- no one knows the real deal- until now, that is, and I cant believe how absolutely freeing it feels to finally have brought the truth to light, to share it- to tell my story- because I know that there are so many more out there. I know that there are so many women out there battling with a decision, faced with an impossible choice, scared and confused and so fucking sad and destroyed- and I want them to know, if theyre reading this, if youre reading this and you are where I have been, I want you to know, that you didnt do this on purpose. You arent going to hell, and if your situation was a result of a sexual assault, I want you to know that more than anything, you DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG. I also want you to know that its ok to make the choice thats right for you - and fuck what the haters think. If you arent prepared to carry a baby, to maintain a healthy vessel, both physically and emotionally, for that baby, then it is totally and completely ok for you to make the choice not to. And I want you to know that there really is better days ahead, and that the pain and the guilt, they do fade. Sometimes I look at my daughter and I wonder about what would have been, had my babies been born, had I made different choices, and sometimes I am sad for the siblings that my daughter will never have a chance to know, sad and guilty- but its in those moments that I have to force myself to have a little faith, and to remember that everything happens for a reason and to just really believe that my path has led me through so many challenges, but that at the end of that path, there was this beautiful baby girl waiting for me, and I have to let myself believe that Ive done what was best along the way and that every choice I have made is what has led me to here. 

Keep your heads up you beautiful souls, and stay amazing

[winewitandwords]

I”ve been trying to figure out where to start- what stupid transgression to dissect first- and I still dont really know. So I figured I would start with something thats been happening fairly recently in my life, and that Im struggling to figure out how to proceed with.  So here goes

Have you ever met someone and had just instant feelings of connection and chemistry? And just an overwhelming feel of safety and security? Where are all my anxiety ridden people at? You all know what Im talking about when I tell you that a sense of safety and security with someone is A BIG FREAKING DEAL! Well, a few months ago I met this guy online, lives in the closest city to me- we started talking, found we had a few things in common, kind of hit it off- and then he started dating someone- and was totally and completely honest about it- we stayed friends, we chatted all the time still, even made a few tentative plans to meet up and hang out (which I totally and completely bailed on for reasons that I will explain later) 

Anyways, we talked and chatted and got to know each other through almost daily texts, and even though I KNEW he was off limits, I started crushing a bit- ok, more than a bit. A LOT. To the point that I even set his messages to “Do not disturb” so that i wouldn't see them and answer them all the time- because I knew I needed to take a step back. But at the same time, he was that person that I had discovered I could talk to about anything, which was something Ive been sadly lacking in my life for a long time- and it was hard not to want to talk to him- helps that hes pretty damn hot too!! (DONT JUDGE ME GUYS, I SAID I KNEW I NEEDED TO STEP BACK!) I even stopped myself from meeting up with him on a few occasions, because it felt wrong to me, knowing that he was with someone and I was crushing on him. 

Anyways, fast forward a few months, and this girl breaks up with him after she gets back from a trip away. He was upset and we ended up talking about it, and talking more than we already did, which I didnt even know was possible. Eventually we ended up meeting up one day when I was in the city and didnt have my daughter, and it was a great visit- we honestly just had coffee while his kids played at one of those fast food play places- and the crush that I had been trying to contain just snowballed. 

A week or so later I was housesitting and he didnt have his daughters- figured maybe I would invite him for a drink and to binge watch a tv show we both enjoyed- my kid would be asleep upstairs and it would be a chance to hang out and not be bored on a Saturday night. Well, I’ll be damned if he didnt come over, and if things didn't get a bit carried away- and I didnt even start it! And yeah, okay okay, you can all say “well what did you expect was going to happen- it was a Netflix and chill! THAT HONESTLY NEVER HAD EVEN CROSSED MY MIND GUYS! Nor did I really think that he would have had any interest in me, whether it be just sexual or more- but damn, it turned into one amazing night! We didnt really dwell on what had happened that night- we made jokes, discussed that we had both enjoyed it and went from there- right to a visit two weeks later that ended the same way. I was in the city and child free and his kids were at dayhome and we originally met for coffee but somehow ended up back at his house, on his couch and then in his god damn bed- and I even purposely didnt shave or groom anything below the waist so that I had a reason for it not to go there- not that that stopped things at all. Nor was I really complaining because, well really, hes fucking hot, and amazing in bed. .

Now you may be asking, girl, whats the problem? You're sleeping with this absolutely amazing guy that you're super into- pretty lucky right? Well, I would like to think so, except for that fact that a) hes got another dating account going on and is actively on it b) hes already made it kind of clear that the hour between us is a problem for him and c) i cant help but feel like I am so totally and completely out of his dating league- and now weve crossed a line that I dont know how we come back from if and when he does start dating someone new... how do you go from sleeping together to just being platonic friends....and should I tell him how Im feeling- about him, about the situation? Or should I just shut the hell up and realize Im nowhere near in his league, and hope that we manage to maintain a friendship that means everything to me?

I wish I could tell you that this was a one time situation, that I didnt often find myself in the same predicament, but folks, for some reason I am always the friend, the really good in bed friend, or so Ive been told, but never quite enough to take that step up to the girlfriend. And Ive really been struggling with that, and with the feelings of self worth (or lack there of ) that accompany that. Is it my past thats scaring people off? Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I too much? Am I not enough? Why am I never the one that is the girlfriend? Like I said, this one is happening in my daily life- the guy just got back from a week long no cell service hiking trip, that he left for two days after the last hookup- so Ive been stewing over things for a freaking week!!!! 

So yeah- thats my overshare for you guys today. I hope all you wonderful souls have amazing days and remember just how wonderful you are! 

[winewitandwords]

Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.

William C. Hannan (via qvotable)

[winewitandwords]

If you hear hoofbeats....

They say that when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras. And that’s something that’s really been on my mind lately- think the norm, not the exception. But what happens when the norm for you is a conditioned response, or a negative self talk and conversation. What happens when you’ve been through so much that those hoofbeats take you right back to where you’ve fought so hard to come back from? What do I mean exactly? Well, earlier today I was talking with a friend that has a similar history of bad decisions and experiences when it comes to the men we chose to let into our lives, and we started discussing how the triggers we have- like the tells weve discovered from our past partners, the lies weve been told, the feelings weve felt, can cause us to have issues in our current relationships or even present as problems in building future relationships. For example, my friend is seeing someone that works away a lot, and while he texts her every morning, and sends her good morning selfies and makes a consistent and honest effort to maintain  contact every day, its hard for her not to think about what he could be doing while hes away from her. Its hard for her not to think the worst each and every time he falls asleep without texting her back or saying goodnight. Is it because hes a bad guy? Is it because she doesn’t trust him, or the foundation for the relationship isn’t there? No, it has nothing to do with him, honestly- he could be the greatest, sweetest, most amazing man, and shed still have those issues.  Its hard for her to establish a positive response, to have that reassuring self conversation that can calm her nerves and ease her mind, because she is so conditioned to the worst case scenario- she hears those hoofbeats and she thinks horses, because that’s what her past experiences have led her to think- when in reality, perhaps she should be thinking zebras, because the fact that its not the norm, is really kind of the whole point, isn’t it?

So how does one re-train themselves to think zebras? How do we undo the incredible amounts of damage that have been inflicted by past partners and experiences? Its not like theres some magical easy button or eraser that can undo where weve been and what weve gone through- and I personally don’t think that erasing it from our history is the answer. I think that to fully change our mindframe, to allow ourselves to step away from the conditioned responses that weve developed in the past, we have to allow ourselves to first fully explore and come to terms with where weve been and what has happened. I think we need to learn how to air our dirty laundry, how to bring the feelings and experiences that weve hidden so deeply away, to  light, and truly examine them- so that we can take away the power that they are still able to hold over us. Easier said than done, right? Well, Im a firm believer in practicing what I preach, and heaven knows, I have a lot of past baggage that still holds power over me. I’ve always felt like I needed to hide the broken pieces of myself, like having gone through some of what Ive been through has made me “damaged goods” and cast me off in a corner of misfits and broken souls.

 Recently however, I have been really focusing on coming back to terms with myself and really working on falling back in love with the person that looks back at me every morning in the mirror. Ive been re-learning the importance of self care and learning how to be at peace with my choices, and experiences, even if some of them have been less than stellar or led to less than healthy places. And I truly believe that an important aspect of that is finally being able to talk about some of the things I’ve gone through- to finally face them and be able to be so completely honest about them- something that hasnt always been easy for me, as I’ve always been that annoyingly stubborn person wth the impossibly high walls and have always been absolutely terrible at letting anyone see the vulnerable, raw and true parts of me. 

Why here? Why now? Why anonymously for the whole world to read? That part is easy to answer. Here- because its safe. Its the world wide web, where no one knows me, no one is looking over my shoulder or down their noses at me- judging where I’ve been or what I’ve done. I mean, go ahead and judge- I fully expect it- how could I not when I still judge myself so harshly over some of these things- all Im saying is in the land of the interwebs, its less scary to open up and face those judgments, as I wont have to face the one issuing them every day in my every day life. Anonymously because I can change names and locations to protect all of the players in some of these stories, including my beautiful baby girl who doesnt need to grow up in the shadow of her mommy’s past transgressions, and my friends and family, who are not always completely innocent, but have also never asked to have their selves raked over the coals in the process of my own journey. As for why now? Because I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting emotional battles that no one understands, over things that no one really knows about or has seen in their entirety. I’m tired of being so emotionally exhausted from trying to hold all my broken pieces in, and hiding the damage that they cause on a daily basis, of telling people “I’m fine” when truthfully, I am so far from fine that its not even funny. I’m tired of feeling guilt and shame over my deepest, darkest secrets, instead of facing them and accepting them as part of what has made me who I am today. And, finally, as far as why am I posting any of this to the world at all? That one is a no brainer for me. I know that I am not the only one that has struggles. I know that I am not the only one that has been through hardships and pain and made bad choices and had to suffer the consequences. I know that there are others out there that are feeling lost and alone and confused and broken- and I know how much I wished that there had just been that one person that understood totally and completely where I was coming from. I want to be that person. I’m hoping that these words may find their way to someone that needs to hear them, that they may bring light to someone thats been stuck in their dark place for far too long. Im hoping that they will inspire courage and hope, as well as entertain and bring laughter- because, folks, if you cant find even the slightest sliver of humor in admist of the darkness, you can trust that me and my big mouth and sarcastic tendencies will find some for you! 

Anxiety and depression, post traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, bipolar- so many more to list, these are all conditions that make things from our past so much harder to face and process, and I have a few of them in the bag. And honestly, were all in this together. So please,  if you feel like following, reading, feeling, pull up a seat and settle on in. I recommend pouring a glass of wine or something of the sort- god knows I’ve probably got a glass going 90% of the time while Im writing, and good wine deserves good company- and hopefully what you feel will be good reading. Thats about all I have for now- stay tuned for the next post... where I’ll really start to delve into the fun stuff, once I decide which pile of dirty laundry to pull out first. I want all you beautiful souls to keep your heads up- youre amazing! <3