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Sibling Torture Goes Sci-Fi

Sibling Torture Goes Sci-Fi

Just overheard my 6-year-old daughter convincing her baby sister that I’m actually an android who hides all the wires under my hair.

It was truly inspiring.

“Bedtime” will henceforth be referred to as “System Update Time.”

Every once in a while, I may have to pause, mid-sentence, to stare into space.

To keep them on their toes, of course.

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When Household Vermin Demand Catering

When Household Vermin Demand Catering

My daughter Brontë has a special blue cup we keep in the bathroom for rinsing out her mouth after brushing her teeth.

She’s quite attached to it, so I was nervous about what I was about to tell her.

Me: Umm… we may need to throw out your blue cup.

Brontë: WHAT? WHY?

Me: Because I used it to trap a spider last night.

Brontë: OH. That makes sense.

Me: Or we could clean it. It’s up to you, but we…

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Invisible Friends to the Rescue

Invisible Friends to the Rescue

I was getting the kids into the car the other day, after hanging out a local park, when I discovered a back seatbelt was jammed.

It absolutely wouldn’t budge. I thought about how we’re technically allowed to put a kid in the front seat when the back is full before kicking myself again for not buying one of those portable, blow-up booster seat thingees…

Me: Well, crap… this seatbelt is stuck. I…

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Kids, Cats, and Evil Twins

Kids, Cats, and Evil Twins

My secret cat and her ominous belly trap

I have a little black & white kitty, named “Violet,” who usually hides under the bed whenever she hears humans stomping around.

Her skittishness eventually trained my daughter Brontë to walk softly and approach gently, which made Brontë the only other person Violet doesn’t fear.

Delighted with her newfound cat-enchantment skills, Brontë asked me one day…

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My Daughter Misgenders the Cat

My Daughter Misgenders the Cat

My four-year-old daughter Bridget’s favorite toy ever is “Catfish,” a stuffed-animal Siamese cat with a fish drawing on its collar.

And though she loves him, he’s clearly her fall guy. Messy room, dirty bed, broken toys… she’s been insisting Catfish orchestrated all these petty toddler crimes and more.

He’s been so naughty, in fact, we finally had to tell her he’d have to live outside her room if…

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Sibling Rivalry: Bridget, the Dark Horse

Sibling Rivalry: Bridget, the Dark Horse

I’m sure I speak for many parents when I say my kids love each other, but spend half their time winding each other up. Sometimes it’s about territorial or toy disputes, while others are just for fun… because these kids don’t have jobs. They have way too much time on their hands.

As Brontë once said, “Sisters are like kids who come over for a playdate then NEVER leave.”

And while Brontë may have a…

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Monsters, Tacos, and Dragon Bones

Monsters, Tacos, and Dragon Bones

There’s a fine line between fantasy and reality for children. My parents like to recount a story about when I was five and pretending to pass out imaginary coins… my father walked over to playfully spin me around in a circle and I panicked as he lifted me up, squeezing my fists so the “coins” didn’t fly out everywhere.

It’s a story of how pretend things seem so real to children that they can have…

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An Unexpected Birthday

So, today was my birthday and the lead up was NOT good.

Birthdays, holidays and milestones mean a lot to me. I demand real Christmas trees, that we hopefully have to cut down ourselves, and will stay up all night baking Christmas cookies with the girls because IT’S CHRISTMAS AND THATS WHAT PEOPLE DO.

Maybe it’s the ritual, or maybe I like the idea of setting days aside to make quality time spent…

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My Daughter Builds A Candy Pipeline Into Our Backyard

My Daughter Builds A Candy Pipeline Into Our Backyard

My six-year-old daughter Brontë pretty much never stops talking. “Using her words” has never been one of her stumbling blocks.

It’s simultaneously adorable and exhausting. If I’m scrambling to get lunch ready, she’s demanding I go check out the portal she made in the living room. It takes you to a castle, she tells me, but the people will be VERY SURPRISED when you suddenly show up, so I have to…

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Let's Try This Again...

Let’s Try This Again…

Argh… after a few months of being super busy and letting the blog slide, I finally started writing again when BAM! Germs snuck up and slapped me down for the count… It’s been a real pain, actually. This year has been a bad year for illness in general and we just moved to a new town, right next door to a daycare. Brontë just started Kindergarten and we’d all been passing some kind of cold back and…

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How NOT To Drive to Los Angeles

How NOT To Drive to Los Angeles

Do any of you other married people have a random, sensitive topic you never bring up because you and your partner once had a huge fight about it and that weird fight came to symbolize all the ways you and your partner don’t see eye to eye? Yeah, me too. Only, it pertains to my first marriage. My husband John and I were both married before (no kids) and I think his trigger topic with his first…

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Valentine's Day Elephants

Valentine’s Day Elephants

While I realize my recent blogging break is making me slow on the draw here, I still wanted to give my husband John props for planning a fun Valentine’s Day activity. All by himself, he reserved us a couple of spots at this place called “The Painted Cork,” where you paint something (elephants, in our case) while drinking wine. He then packed a dinner of stuff like salami, cheese, bread, olives,…

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What Kind Of Parent Are You?

What Kind Of Parent Are You?

Before I had kids, I knew exactly what kind of parent I would be. I’d be the kind who: Makes their kid wonderful meals from scratch and teaches them to love eating healthy sophisticated foods, and Reasonably explains why screaming in public is a bad idea and therefore has super well-behaved kids in public. And as it turns out, my kids will consider shoving a piece of broccoli in their mouths… if…

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The Adventures of Catfish, The Poop Goblin

The Adventures of Catfish, The Poop Goblin

My three-year-old daughter Bridget has been blaming all of her problems on Catfish lately, even though he’s her favorite stuffed animal. He’s a Siamese-looking cat with a fish on his collar. She snuggles up to him every night even though he keeps wetting her bed. And I was already having a rough day the other day when Bridget walks up to report: “Really sorry mama, but Catfish pooped your bed…”…

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Back in The Game

Back in The Game

My husband John likes to say the problem with not showing up is that it gets harder and harder to show up the longer you go without showing up. He’s referring to cutting classes whenever he says this, since that was one of his youthful follies and he apparently never used my trick of establishing good attendance and work ethic before taking calculated cuts (professors will assume you have your…

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Because English is Hard

Because English is Hard

The other day at breakfast, I was handing my five-year-old some toast… Me: Here, eat some jam and bread like your ancestors. Brontë: What are my “ancestors?” Me: Well… okay, you know how I’m your mom and my mom is your grandma? Brontë: Yeah. Me: Her mom is your great-grandma, right? And her mom was your great-great-grandma. If you keep going, you get to your ancestors… like your…

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A Fresh Perspective

As we were passing a man with dwarfism the other day, my five-year-old daughter Brontë leaned in and said: “Mom, that man kind of looks like a kid.” I went pink, silently praying he didn’t overhear her, yet not wanting to apologize (in case he didn’t). And while considering how to explain why saying such things are rude, it suddenly hit me that Brontë is a kid, herself. So: She couldn’t have…