wisdomvillage-blog

[wisdomvillage-blog]

Being Feminine as a Man: and how Astrology  helped

Once upon a time I wished I was a woman.

I wished my penis would disappear and breasts would blossom from my chest.

I wished I could be pursued.

I wished I was a mother.

Gender dysphoria me struck two years ago like an elephant running through a picket fence. I was the fence.

The winter of 2017 I was living in Bend, Oregon working for a wilderness therapy company. I was becoming more versed in LGBTQIA+ lingo and ideas of gender identity and expression due to our clientele and thus began to look at those things in myself.

I started shopping in the women’s section at my favorite thrift stores. I did my makeup and shaved everywhere I could. I tried to change my voice. I thought about going by Jade, even though Jesse’s already androgynous. I said the word “androgynous” a lot because I liked the way it felt in my mouth. I drew non-binary self-portraits. I remember feeling confused, fractured, scared of having to construct myself all over again. I was very unsure of who I was.

The root of the confusion was this feeling inside of me that I was more feminine than masculine. That felt like a fact to me. I am naturally more female than male. What tripped me up was trying to interpret what that meant.

I tried to label myself as gender queer, non-binary, grey gender, gender fluid-flux. I wondered if I was a lesbian in a boy’s body.

Should I transition? What the fuck did that even mean? I couldn’t even ask my friends to use they/them pronouns for me and I’m thinking about getting boobs?

I realized that I may be a little crazy because I had never physically been a woman so I couldn’t know exactly what it was I was asking for.

But I felt like I was feminine. That much was true. That was necessary to account for.

So. . . what to do about it?

Get fired?

Ouch. That hurt.

How about a mushroom trip with two amazing friends in which you realize that everything just IS?

Wow. That helped.

How about moving back in with your parents in Oklahoma, working at a Greek restaurant, wanting to kill yourself, hearing the call of Ayahuasca, flying to the jungle, spending a thousand years in Peru and returning 5 months later?

That may just have done the trick!

Honestly, I have no f*cking idea.

I don’t feel gender dysphoria right now.

It’s a year and a half later I still wish I had a vagina sometimes, boobs maybe, but I’m starting to like my balls more. There’s a lot less dissonance anyway. It’s nice.

A lot changed while I was down there.

I learned and accepted the perspective that I was born with a spirit that is quite feminine by nature and demands to be just that. I was also born with a body that is quite masculine by nature and demands to be just that. Where I had thought there to be discord, I found there to be harmony.

Now I know that I can have a lot of feminine energy and the body that I have at the same time.

Two of the biggest things that helped me reach this perspective were the study of Astrology and Yoga.

How Astrology Helped

While in Peru I learned that in astrology I have a Cancer moon and Cancer rising (Cancer is the divine feminine/mother sign in astrology.)

I was told that I am a very watery and feminine person. This floored me in a way that gave me permission to feel and be exactly what I had been designed as. My connection with the moon and the divine mother grew exponentially. I felt a sense of home.

I found astrology to be liberating in the way it allowed for me to contain both masculine and feminine simultaneously.

It even went a step further in illuminating how they may sit and move within me.

Mini astrology lesson

Your birth chart is the play that is you.

The planets are like actors, the signs are the characters they play and the houses are the stages/sets they act on.

There are twelve signs/characters: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces.

Cancer represents the archetype of the moon/divine feminine/mother.

Leo represents the archetype of the sun/divine masculine/father.

The Mother and Father are two of twelve archetypes/characters that are played into in life.

Personally, I have a tendency to play out the character of Cancer/mother.

Realizing that about myself, I gave my permission for that to be an okay part of me that I didn’t need to hide.

To make another related point,

Everyone has the sun and moon somewhere in their astrological birth chart.

The Sun is an actor in the play who is the divine masculine, and he will play one of twelve characters.

The actor that is my Sun plays the character of Sagittarius (philosopher/teacher/traveler) in my play.

The Moon is an actress in the play who is the divine feminine, and she will play one of twelve characters in the play that is you.

The actress that is my Moon plays the character of Cancer, which is to say she plays herself, in my personal play. My Moon also plays the character of herself in the position of the Rising sign, which is to say, the lead role.

Everyone has the divine masculine and divine feminine within them.

We can use astrology to see where those energies may lie, we can intuit them without help, or we can just observe them as they play out in our lives.

Where I’m at Now

The gender dysphoria faded as I learned more about the masculine and feminine energies that reside within me, but this natural lean towards the feminine seemed to be a long arc in my story.

Once I accepted the role of the Moon, Cancer and the Mother in my life, I began to explore what that meant. Who was this archetype of woman who was so pervasive in my life?

The Moon/Mother/Feminine was at once familiar and foreign to me.

I wished to understand myself better by understanding her.

Who is She?

Full Moon mother, Gaia,

Kali Kali, Durga,

Silver water witchcraft

Screams that tear the world during childbirth

Love that holds your bloody mess

She let you feed off of her!

Your father planted a seed in the ground with his thumb

and the Earth, she held you,

fed you, watered you,

let you grow in her.

She held you up as you sprouted high and she will

hold you when your leaves fall

to transmute in her once again.

This is something of a fraction of what I think she is,

what I think I am.

Two years ago I was contouring my face with makeup to appear more like how I felt inside. Now I wonder what it means to be the divine mother. What is it to be mother earth herself?

The truth of it is I don’t know. The truth is I’m still on this journey right now.

The rain drops softly and I am reminded that I am woman.

I watch my friend Rose get her period on a hike and give her blood back to the earth and am reminded that she is woman and I do not have a womb that bleeds.

I feel my sacral chakra grow and I am reminded that I am woman.

I watch women come and go from the sacred Moon Lodge at the Sun Dance, a place I cannot go, and am reminded that I am man, encouraged that I am man.

I follow and flow around you and am reminded that I am woman.

I look in a mirror and wonder what my role as masculine body and feminine-inclined spirit may be.

Now, in the mirror, where I used to look and cringe, I look with curiosity.

“Who are you, old child?

How many grandmas and grandpas sit and smile out of your eyes?”

With a cheeky smile and a breathing into my essence, I walk,

As woman, as man,

As whole.

For more stories, articles, courses, books and the upcoming podcast, head over to wisdomvillage.net

[wisdomvillage-blog]

The Feeling of Energy Healing

In this article we’re going to try to describe what energy healing is without using labels.

Stand with your feet shoulder width apart.

Stretch your toes up, spread them wide, and root them into the ground.

Imagine the arches of your feet are suction-cups pulling light, water, or energy up from the ground.

Squeeze your thighs.

Squeeze your butt and tuck your tail-bone.

Draw your belly button in.

Tuck your lower ribs.

Roll your shoulders back and open your chest.

Move your head back, inline with your shoulders.

Tuck your chin.

This is your body in alignment.

This is a posture of power that allows your personal energy to flow.

You bringing awareness to how you are standing and adjusting yourself so that your energy can flow is energy healing.

Give someone a hug for 10 seconds and try not to think.

That is energy healing.

Rub your hands together, creating friction and heat for about a minute.

Now hold your hands about an inch apart and move them ever so slowly.

Do you feel that?

That is the feeling of energy.

Food, pets, people, nature, music, etc are all energy healers.

Everything has energy and everything has the potential to heal.

People who call themselves energy healers are typically people who have chosen to develop their familiarity with this vital energy force and want to use it to help bring others into balance and alignment.

There are many traditions and schools of energy healing.

There are many traditions and schools of religion, education and belief.

No one form of energy healing is “the one true way” just as no single belief system holds all perspectives and truths.

We believe that instead of having a direct experience of energy/the divine/some bomb-ass spaghetti and letting someone else tell you what it means, you should experience the thing directly and tell yourself what it is.

In this vein, feel free to sample different verbiage, talk to others about their experience with energy healing and take only that which truly resonates with your experience.

Some potential resources to aid in your own self discovery may be things like, Prana, Qi, Reiki, sound healing, and more.

In Summary:

If you want to practice energy healing on yourself or others, remember that you alone are your highest wisdom. Trust yourself.

For more articles, courses, books and the upcoming podcast, head over to wisdomvillage.net

[wisdomvillage-blog]

Art is a framE

What is Art?

We think we all recognize art when we see it: a painting, a sculpture, a drawing, a song.

In this article we will try to expand our minds to see art outside of the museum.

Art as Good and Bad

An artist friend of mine recently asked me, “What makes art good?” She was frustrated with the seemingly constant qualification of art as good or bad.

“It just is!” she kept saying to me.

(We ate some mushrooms the week prior, so we were pretty into the “is,” vibe.)

Nothing is inherently good or bad. The piece of art that is your transcendent portal to divinity will be the exact same piece of art that throws someone into hell.

The daily human experience of art can be quite different than philosophizing about it.

We go to museums because they are curated. Somehow society has agreed that the pieces of work that are displayed in the museum are ‘good’ and worth attention.

As young lovers of art we trust the curation process. We trust that, yes indeed, these pieces are good, just as how we as children trust that our parents and caregivers worldview is correct.

Once we get into the museum and start experiencing it for ourselves though, something else starts to happen.

Have you ever walked through an art museum in a half-daze and then, suddenly, you are taken? A certain piece grabs hold of something within you and you lose yourself in it. You have now had an ‘experience of art.’

The curators said, “Hey! Here’s a bunch of good art.”

You said, “Okay, I trust you,” and went.

You witnessed all of the ‘good art’ and some of it spoke to you.

If we still want to operate in the binary, we can say, “The art that spoke to me is good art.”

A little more lucidly we could say, “The art that spoke to me is good art to me.”

This reflects that you are the sole creator of your personal truth.

There is now a difference between what the curators of the museum (and of life) say is ‘good art’ and what you personally experience as ‘good art.’

There is a very human realization here in the museum.

You stand, enraptured by a piece that is speaking to you. It finally let’s you go and you turn to see someone else enraptured by a totally different piece. After they leave, you try to connect with that piece and feel what it looked like they felt. You may be caught by that piece, but imagine that you weren’t.

Just because a piece that the museum curators said was ‘good’ didn’t resonate with you as personally ‘good’ doesn’t mean that it isn’t ‘good’ for someone else.

When we realize this, we can be glad that all the pieces in the museum are here, even if they didn’t resonate with us individually.

In order to proceed, let’s drop the word “Good.”

In our scenario above, personally ‘good art’ was equated with a work of art that spoke to you: that made you feel something.

That type of connection is what art is all about.

We can have art that is personally transformative, that connects us with something higher than ourselves, without labeling it good or bad. So let’s switch the scales for a spectrum.

Art can be more or less connective for specific people (who are experiences of a certain perception) without changing its quality for anyone else.

E.g.

Emily - “This painting is so impactful for me! It’s so good!”

Jes -  “I don’t connect with it at all…”

Emily - “Aw. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean good. That could make you feel like you’re missing something. I have had totally different life experiences than you, which is probably why we have different responses to this piece.”

Jes - “Huh. That makes sense. Can we go find one that I feel connected to?”

Emily - “Hell yeah!”

Jes - “What if it’s not in this museum?”

Emily - “Um...okay…”

Jes - [Grabs Emily’s hand and pulls her towards the exit.]

ART AS AN ACT OF FRAMING

Emily - “Are you taking me to see the busker outside?”

Jes - “Think bigger.”

Emily - “The Eiffel tower?”

Jes - “Bigger.”

Jes stops by a street vendor and buys a cheap painting.

Emily - “That? Really?”

Jes makes a fist and punches a hole straight through the painting and proceeds to tear the painting from the frame until only the frame is left.

Emily - “What are you doing?”

Jes - “Noticing art.”

Jes holds the frame up and centers Emily within it.

Emily - “Aw! I’m your favorite piece of art!”

Jes - “Oh my god. Yes, you are adorable, but no. What do you see inside of this frame?”

Emily - “You.”

Jes - “And?”

Emily - “The riverwalk behind you. People walking around. Fall colors.”

Jes - “And?”

Emily - “And you blabbing at me.”

Jes - “Is my blabbing in the frame?”

Emily - “Yes.”

Jes - “Good. Is your blabbing in the frame?”

Emily - “No?”

Jes - “It might not be for you, but it is from my perspective.”

Emily notices that as Jes is holding up the frame, she must be ‘framed’ from Jes’s perspective just as Jes is in the frame from Emily’s perspective.

Emily - “So . . . You are art to me and I am art to you. Is art just whatever is framed?”

Jes - “To a degree, yes.”

Jes hands the frame to Emily.

Jes - “Art is whatever you chose to frame as art.”

Emily - “So art is everywhere, I just need to carry this frame around with me everywhere.”

Jes laughs.

Jes - “You totally can, but you don’t need to. You can use your focus as the frame.”

Emily - “What do you mean?”

Jes - “Close your eyes. What do you hear?”

Emily - “Birds. Cars. People talking.”

Jes - “Keep listening. Focus of hearing all the layers, big and little.”

Emily - “Okay . . . yeah, there’s a lot there. I can hear the wind now too. And the trees!”

Jes - “Nice! You just created art by focusing on listening. You framed the audio-scape of this place by focusing on it. That’s all that the frame does: help you focus.

Emily - “So anything can be art, it’s just a matter of if I perceive it as art.”

Jes - “And just because you may not perceive art somewhere doesn’t mean I don’t.”

Emily - “But there are 8 billion people in the world! Everything must be art to someone at some point then!”

Jes - “Exactly.”

Emily - “Huh . . . I think I need some ice cream.”

Jes - “Yay! Let’s go eat some art!”

Emily - “Do you mean let’s be pieces of art eating some art while we sit in the middle of a bunch of art?”

Jes - “Yes!!! Okay, you are my favorite piece of art.”

Jes hugs Emily and they make their way down the riverwalk hand in hand, the frame left on the ground leaning against a tree.

Art Podcast!

To hear more about Art and Creativity take a listen to our Podcast Episode with Carly and Christine, founders of Enigma Bazaar, an Immersive Art bar in Denver Colorado.

Find more at wisdomvillage.net

[wisdomvillage-blog]

// Why Don’t I feel like my Astrology Sign??? // Because you’re complicated as fuck. Read the article below or at our website wisdomvillage.net

[wisdomvillage-blog]

Why Don’t I Feel Like My Astrology Sign??

Because you’re far more intricate than just one sign, and so is astrology!

Short answer: Because our Moon is who we feel like we are.

Medium answer: Because our Sun, our Moon and our Rising are the big three.

Long answer: Because you are complicated as fuck and so is astrology and it depends of your perspective. And maybe you weren't ready to understand until just now.

Intro

When most people say zodiac sign, star sign, astrology sign or ‘astrological sign’ (pushes glasses up nose) what they mean is the sign that their Sun was in at the time and place of their birth.

Our solar system is way more complicated than just the Earth and the Sun though!

And so are you!

In Astrology we recognize that the Sun, the Moon, all the planets, and even things on Earth like our direction of spin and the Eastern horizon were all in a certain spot at the moment of our birth.

You can find yours here https://www.astro.com/cgi/ade.cgi later.

All of these things have an influence a synchronous relationship with us on Earth. All these things that are moving around right now have a synchronous relationship with you specifically, based on your birth chart.

It is beautiful in it’s intricate and living complexity.

If you came to astrology asking “Who am I?” and we’re bummed out or felt left out by just your Sun sign . . . good news! Astrology is far more vast than that and so are you.

It is living and changing just like you.

If Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and the Enneagram felt one dimensional to you, astrology could be a breath of fresh air in diving into yourself.

Only go as deep as you want. Read the Short, Medium, or Long answer (better yet, all three!) then look up your birth chart and dive in!

Short answer

Because our Moon is who we feel like we are.

When we ask “Why don’t I feel like my Sun sign?” it’s because in astrology the Moon represents our emotional self and who we feel we are when the lights are off.

The Sun represents how you interact with the world and the essence of your life.

The Moon represents who you feel you are on the inside.

So go find your birth chart or just look up your Moon sign and see if you ‘feel’ more like that.

Medium answer

Because our Sun, our Moon and our Rising are the big three.

If you ask someone who’s ‘into’ astrology what they are, they’ll probably respond with three things.

“I’m a Sagittarius Sun, Cancer Moon, Gemini rising.”

This offers a complex picture of an individual and is a great place to start in understanding some of the dynamics that are at play in your life.

The Sun represents how you interact with the world and the essence of your life.

The Moon represents who you feel you are on the inside, your emotional body,

The Rising sign (or Ascendent) represents the mask you wear, the first impression people get of you.

If you have a decent grasp of each of the 12 signs, you can begin to build a dynamic picture of yourself and anyone who knows their three.

E.g. “I’m a Sagittarius Sun, Cancer Moon, Gemini rising.”

This person’s essence of life and the way they interact with the world (Sun) is like that of Sagittarius, the traveler-philosopher. The way that they feel they are, their inner self (Moon) is that of Cancer, the divine mother, empathetic and emotional. The way the world perceives them (Rising) is as Gemini, airy and dualistic.

Now we think about how these three might interact with each other. A fiery essence, a watery inner world, and an airy mask.

Hmm...interesting. Curious yet?

Go grab your chart and take a look at your big three!

Honestly, this is probably a good place to stop. There is so much to discover in just those three.

If you want the longer answer though . . .

Long Answer

Because you are complicated as fuck and so is astrology and it depends of your perspective. And maybe you weren't ready to understand until just now.

You are vast and complicated and the only thing that could represent how complex and unique you are is you.

Astrology, the Enneagram, Myer-Briggs, any personality test or lens through which to view yourself will illuminate certain aspects, but you will always be more intricate than that. Astrology is, perhaps, one of the most complex lens through which to look at yourself,

Heck, it even moves and changes in real time just like you,

But it will never be you or tell you who you are in full.

That said, if you wish to bring awareness to aspects of your life, astrology can be an incredible tool with which to do that.

There are 12 signs, 12 houses, 12 planets and influencers, Ac, Dc, Mc, Ic, etc.

It is an infinitely expanding world of self discovery.

Go on! Explore away! Discover yourself, you beautiful creature!

But be warned…(buh-buh-buh)..a teeeerrible..

Nah, just kidding.

But seriously,

Try not to get stuck studying the picture.

It is a map and a map is not the territory.

It represents, not causes.

The heavens are generating their own energy. You have to generate your own energy to in order to bring it to life.

The Natal Chart Compared to Song

The natal chart, or birth chart, is a snapshot of the heavens and Earth in a moment and place, a point in spacetime. Your natal chart is that snapshot at the time of your birth, which resulted in an imprint of sorts. This imprint is not an imprint at all but rather a drawing of the way you and the universe (you and you) were synchronized at a single point in spacetime.

It’s like pausing a song in a way, but keeping that note resonating. You are that note resonating. You are the continually reverberating music that was in that point in the song, in that point of spacetime.

If a song is playing and we pause it at the point when there is a G, an E and a C note are resonating, that is your natal chart. You are the G and E and C note tuning-fork continually resounding.

The universal song didn’t stop when you were born though. It kept on playing.

You can spend forever studying your own note: paying attention to just your tuning fork.

Or you can listen to your tuning fork, your natural song as struck at your particular spacetime point of birth, and listen to the way it harmonizes with the ongoing song of the universe.

In this way astrology comes to life.

In this way you come to life.

At the end, there is 1 sign. There is 1 song.

Enjoy your uniqueness while you have it.

For more articles and resources, head over to wisdomvillage.net!

[wisdomvillage-blog]

// don’t discount experiencing spiritual transcendence with religion //

[wisdomvillage-blog]

// diagrams for our “Spirituality and Religion in Harmony” article // check out our website for more articles and resources! wisdomvillage.net

[wisdomvillage-blog]

Spirituality and Religion in Harmony

Spirituality and Religion

Have you ever asked yourself, “What is the difference between spirituality and religion?”

Or, “What is the similarity between spirituality and religion?”

In this article we’ll explore what both of these words mean, their differences, and how they can co-exist together. Spirituality and religion are different, yes, and in this article we’ll see how they can be quite complementary at the same time.

Spirituality is not religion and religion is not spirituality.

They may overlap, but one does not necessarily mean that the other is present.

STOP!

Before we go any further, let’s define what we mean by “religion” and “spirituality” so that we’re on the same page.

Most arguments are simply an issue of having different definitions of what’s being talked about.

You may not have the same definitions of spirituality and religion as this article does, but in order to begin to explore their relation to one another we need to agree on a definition. Again, this is not THE definition of spirituality and religion, just one we have chosen to work with.

Spirituality is X

Short answer:

Spirituality is a way of being that is geared towards personal-connection-with and direct-experience-of the personal spirit, the universal spirit, and/or the spiritual nature/fabric of life. It is improv with the divine.

Long answer:

Spirituality = being spiritual

Spiritual = of spirit

Spirit = ...ready? Here we go.

E.g. 1: Spirit is something like the energy going through power-lines. The power-lines are the body and the electricity is the spirit.

E.g. 2: When you give someone a hug is it just two bodies touching, or do you feel connected to them in a way? The heart’s feeling of connection during a hug is spirit.

E.g. 3: Life on earth without spirit = a photo of a dog. Life on earth with spirit = a dog.

From a certain perspective, spirit it is the animating force of all life. Spirit is change through time. It is movement. It is alive because it IS life.

In conclusion, Spirituality = being of (and identifying with) the energetic force and flow of life.

Religion is X

Short answer:

Religion is a set of beliefs often paired with a set of rituals that is geared towards encountering the divine through tradition and repetition. It is a roadmap to the divine.

Long answer:

“Religion” is a word that is often heavily weighted. Most of us probably think of things like Islam, Hinduism, Christianity, and Judaism. Depending on where and how we were raised, we probably have opinions about at least one of these. Let’s try to take the masks off and define “religion” beyond our personal interaction with a certain manifestation of the concept of religion.

Think of someone saying “I drink coffee religiously.” That’s the flavor of religion that we’re talking about - The routine, the devotion.

We are talking about the principles of religiosity, not any particular religion.

In conclusion, Religion = a structure and routine used to access something clearly defined that you have chosen to be devoted to.

Differences

Now that we’ve clarified what we mean by spirituality and religion, we can look at their fairly obvious distinctions.

Spirit is the life force and spirituality is a way of being and connecting to that.

Religion is a structured and devoted approach to a specific end.

We can have Spirituality without Religion, which looks like realizing that you are of spirit and being connected with that animating force and flow of life without any set structure of beliefs, routines and rituals, and not being devoted to a particular end.

We can have Religion without Spirituality, which looks like a structure and routine used to access something clearly defined that you have chosen to be devoted to without being aware of and connected to the force and flow of life.

Harmony

We’ve used a very simple diagram to illustrate our point, which is great for simplicity, but it only leaves four options:

Not Religious or Spiritual

Spiritual, but not Religious

Religious, but not Spiritual

Spiritual and Religious

Pause: Time for a mini identity crisis. Consider these four options and try to decide how you are interacting and how you want to interact with the world. There is no right or wrong answer. You have the option to use this time to reflect and bring awareness on your mode of being.

We know, of course, from debunking the gender binary, that it’s never either-or.

You don’t just have four options

Male

Female

No Gender

Equal Saturation of both Male and Female

There are gradients, spectrums, alternate definitions, infinitely new ways of looking at it.

The duality that we created with Male and Female, Spirituality and Religion, was just a tool to help us better understand these energetic principles.

In many philosophies, and in all of nature, there is the appearance of two forces that weave and harmonize around each other.

In Yoga there is the Ida Nadi and Pingala Nadi. There are Yin and Yang. There is In and Out. There is Black and White.

A certain level of enlightenment (insight) is gained when one realizes (makes real) that all things contain both.

All things contain both spirituality and religion. All things contain yin and yang, male and female. All things contain ___ and ___.

This leads us to our next level of enlightenment (insight.)

If all things contain all opposites and everything has its opposite, then all things contain all things.

You can hear this as many times as you want, and only when you are ready to hear it will you realize it and make it real. Don’t worry though. You can't rush being ready.

Let’s bring it back and make it personal.

You contain all things.

You contain all opposites.

You contain male and female.

You contain spirituality and religion.

You are spiritual and religious.

You are male and female.

You are all opposites.

You are all.

You contain you.

You are contained by you.

So why divide yourself? Why chose one set of opposites and then choose one of them over the other?

We zoom in and out with our perspective in order to know ourselves more intimately. Maybe during this season it is time for you to identify with and get to know “spirituality without religion” or “religion without spirituality.” Maybe it’s time for you to do both. Maybe it’s time for you to be all the opposites. Maybe it’s time for you to just be All.

Don’t stress about the timing of it. You are always the whole puzzle and always the piece.

Check out more at wisdomvillage.net!!!

[wisdomvillage-blog]

Jungle Medicine // Read a bit of my story of transformation in Peru in the post “Courageous Transformation Starts Here”

[wisdomvillage-blog]

Courageous Transformation Starts Here

On our website, right under our name Wisdom Village, it says,

“A center for human connection, soulful learning and courageous transformation.”

The last two words have stuck with me lately.

“Courageous transformation.”

What does that look like?

Brene Brown, a vulnerability researcher, believes that courage and vulnerability go hand in hand, in fact that they are the same.

So when we ask you to courageously transform, we’re asking you to be vulnerable.

On transformation, comparative mythologist Joseph Campbell says, “The Hero’s Journey is about a transformation of consciousness through trials. You’re thinking in this way and now you have to think in that way. [...] The basic motif of the Hero’s Journey is a death and resurrection [...] in order to get out of a posture of psychological dependence into one of psychological self-responsibility.”

We believe that to go on this journey of transformation requires conjunct courage and vulnerability. In this light, I would like to share the story of one of my recent transformations.

It is not my intent in sharing this to evoke sympathy, but rather to vulnerably offer my story in hopes that someone may resonate with it, feel less alone, and see that since I’m writing this now, I must be alive.

Looking back to a year and a half ago, I see my adventure in Peru as one of the most transformational journeys of my life. When I left, I told my family that I needed to find out who I would be if I had been born on top of a mountain alone. This was true on a certain level, although a more vulnerable version of the truth came out once I arrived in Peru. The first night that I spent in the jungle before working with Ayahuasca I couldn't sleep so I walked out to the balcony and started an audio recording. This is a dictation of what I said that night. This was the scream of my soul telling me that something was wrong enough (and that I was at enough of a loss for what to do) for me to seek a potentially deadly medicine in hopes of somehow staying alive.

Dictation of audio: first night in Iquitos when the rain couldn’t put me to sleep

“I don't think I want this anymore; this..this being. This having to keep being. This having to maintain. This having to keep fighting off the pain: the pain I cause myself in the head and the pain I cause other people. I just want to give it back, but I don't think I want to die because that's going to hurt more people. I want to stop hurting people. I just want to be and be okay. But I don't know if that's possible..to be and be okay without being not okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry to others. I don't know how to do this. Is this all there is: this physical polarity, this nihilism, this nothing, this nothing means nothing, this everything means nothing, you can make it whatever you want? Because I can't make it what I want. I've tried to make it what I want. I just want to be happy and healthy. I just want to be okay but I can't be okay. I haven't been able to be okay. I haven't been able to not hurt others. I don't know how to do this. I’m sorry.

I think there must be a truth. I hope there is a truth: something to make it okay.

The Buddhists were onto something when they said life is suffering because god this is hell............. and I don't know if that truth is outside of me or inside of me or both. I don't know if I have to go somewhere or do something to find what's inside of me. Fuck. The key is in my hand and the door is in myself but I don't know how to unlock it. I don't know how to use this key to go through this door, and I don't want to die before I find it. I hope that it's actually there.. because if it's not there then I don't know what I'm going to do.

I just want it to stop. I just want to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep without hurting anyone. I’m sorry k****. I’m sorry m**. I’m sorry d**. I’m sorry j**. I’m sorry j*****. I’m sorry s*****. im sorry for everything. I'm sorry. I just want to give it back. I want to give this life back. I want to go to sleep. I just want it to stop... I want it to stop.

Everything that I’ve used to try to make it stop is a mirage and a mirror, a trick, a child's toy. the cigarettes and the alcohol and the weed and the sex and the falling in love and the wanting to fall in love and have the fucking honeymoon period. It's all just a fucking game. It's all just a trick. It's all cheap plastic to try to make it stop for a second. But it doesn't stop. It comes back.”

Again: It is not my intent in sharing this to evoke sympathy, but rather to vulnerably offer my story in hopes that someone may resonate with it and feel less alone.

The story continues with my time in Peru being only a chapter, but my dears, that chapter was fucking intense. I do not write to relish in the past, but to bring further illumination to the present me and in doing so I hope that a shaft of light may fall from my story onto yours.

Now with Perspective

I wrote a piece several months later as I was preparing to leave Peru titled “Why I Left (Why I Started this journey.)” It is important for me to say that I could not have written this piece without the perspective that time allowed, just as I could not have written the preceding piece without the raw vulnerability of the moment. The peace and clarity that is witnessed here is not what was felt during the journey. Imagine five months of space between what you just read and what you are about to read. In imagining this, have compassion for yourself where you are at and assurance in the possible clarity and perspective that lies on the other side.

Why I Left

“Sometimes you need a bath. You could take another shower but this time you know you need a bath. I realized I needed a bath when I was in the bath.

You know the feeling when you're floating in a tub and your body is pseudo-suspended? All the air bubbles have slipped out of your ears and the music is muffled and warm. You close your eyes and lose track of where your physical self ends and the water begins.

It was in a moment like this when I slowly lifted my arm out of the water (to change the song or something) and felt the strength of gravity. Without the water supporting it, my arm became iron in the air. I returned it to the bath and wished to remain there forever. I didn't want to get out because that meant returning to the world of weight and gravity. I remember crying as I realized that I had no "bath" in my life. It felt as if I was constantly living under the gravity of my mind/society/expectations/entropy/time and had no water in which to become weightless. I just wanted to rest and be okay.

I left in search of the bathtub: some sort of accessible peace.

I wanted penance and purgatory, ego death and loss of identity, a magic pill, a cure and more.

I desired many things, but what I needed was a bath.”

Why I left Part 2

“I sought baptism: one pill, one event, one moment to solve my problems and release me from form. I walked into the jungle expecting instant medicine. I thought I was holding a pure intention but she showed me that I expected the world. I wanted to blow the door open. I didn't want to seek the key diligently and open the door thankfully.

I drink the medicine. It is poison. It terrifies me. It shows me that I terrify me. I am trapped in my mind. I know it will only last for 4 hours but in this place 4 hours is longer than I will ever live. An hour is infinite lives; infinite lives unable to escape myself. I scream and vomit and watch my ego try to rationalize. My thoughts and fears are a neon banner streaming across my forehead too fast to read.

[I wasn't able to name the importance of this next bit for a long time. I had to digest it. It had to soak into my blood. I was scared and upset that the medicine didn't do what I wanted. Now I am glad.]

I wanted to dissolve my body and float alone in the dark eternal. She showed me how lonely the dark eternal is. She showed me why she split herself: to know herself, to love, to share, to not have to be alone. At 2 in the morning I am finally able to walk again. The small shade differences between the black trees are the most beautiful color I have ever seen. The sound of birds and crawling things is music enough to cry. I am so so so glad that I am not alone. I hold the first person I see. They hold me. We are one become two. We became two so that we could love ourself: so that we could hold each other.

Thank you for letting me not sleep alone forever. Thank you for not giving me what I wanted.”

I think it is apparent that many things changed in the time between these two perspectives. Instead of just telling you the beginning and the end of the chapter, I would like to show you the journey from “I just want it to stop,” to “thank you for not giving me what I wanted.”

This journey of self-transformation is difficult. It has to be difficult in order for it to be transformative. But it doesn’t have to be done alone. Joseph Campbell says, about the path of transformation, “We have not even to risk the adventure alone for the heroes of all time have gone before us. The labyrinth is thoroughly known. . . we have only to follow the thread of the hero path.”

That is what Wisdom Village is here for: to tell stories of how we got from A to B, and remind us that we are not alone in the journey.

Now I know that you cannot repeat my journey, event for event, interaction for interaction, just as I cannot tell you exactly what will happen on your journey, nor which sorts of aid you may need. We are not here to tell you to repeat our path nor to use the tools that worked for us.

Let these journeys serve to inspire you wherever you are at, be that in the middle of a journey, reflecting on one, or standing at the edge wondering if you will say yes.

Wisdom Village offers stories, communities, teachers, healers, guides, and everything that we have found has helped us on our journeys, in the hope without expectation that it may help ease the effort of finding what only you know you need to venture and quest through yourself to your self-responsible, blissful and whole self on the other side (which is already here, being only a matter of realization through experience.)