wordsfrommyuniverse - Tumblr blog

[wordsfrommyuniverse]

A Shocker

Hey, it’s been a while. I think it’s been a year since I wrote in here. Life update: I am now employed. I also moved in with my girlfriend. And things are starting to get a little bit better. And if you’re wondering how that happened, it’s because of this - I just started to ride how life glides. With me being employed, it isn’t actually in my plan. I was supposed to take my master’s degree but at that time when I have fully decided, most universities aren’t open for enrollment yet. So, I took a rest for about two months. My girlfriend at that time was applying for a job and the COO of this company asked about her love life. Apparently, they talked about me and what I do - editing photos and pubmats when I was in college. Long story short, the COO requested if I want to be a graphics designer, I said yes, and here I am now - making layouts, pubmats, doing shoots and videos for a hotel. I took it like it was just like a pastime. Like, “Oh, great. I don’t have something to do at the moment, why not accept the offer.” Now, it is a commitment. I am now a regular employee, and my salary is pretty decent, I believe, if only I learn how to control my expenses. Also, I was almost got scammed. That would be another story. It’ll just keep this entry long. Yeah, i just kept going with how life wants me to live like. I remember travelling into another island alone, I don’t know what to ride and where to go. Thanks to Google Maps for making me survive that shit but dang, I started acting like I was from that place. The way my legs just started walking in a direction I am not even sure, it is weird. Everything ended up well, though. I was there, by the way, to pick up the camera my brother got me. Also, I admit that I don’t know how to cook. And I just cooked spaghetti. I fucking acted like I know how to do it. I only just have this mini-instructions at the back of the packaging of the sauce, and I went with it. And it turned out well. Listen, my point here is that you don’t have to force things. You don’t have to it pressure on it. Sometimes, it’s the universe that adjusts for you and it just gives you the satisfaction that you wanted. I got employed because I took a job offer out of boredom. I successfully travelled into another island and just let my legs and Google Maps bring me somewhere. I successfully cooked spaghetti just because of a bit-sized instructions and just started cooking without any knowledge. Sometimes, you just gotta try.

[wordsfrommyuniverse]

"911, what's your emergency?"

I just got off from an intense emotion. Anger. It started when I kept losing from a game and receiving such hateful and disgusting comments from toxic players. I was fine at first. I thought that I need to be patient. But I lost three games and the teammates that I always get are those who are too dumb but too mean. I got so mad.

Tonight isn't like other nights when I'm mad. I usually throw everything away — my phone, pen holder, bottles, sketchpad, even my laptop. I then scream under the pillows. No one has seen that side of me yet and believe me or not, I'm even scared of myself. After I got mad awhile ago, I wasn't able to throw my phone knowing that it doesn't have its protective cover. I didn't threw anything away. I was just shocked that I impulsively punched myself in my core several times, a real punch. I was about to bang my head, but luckily, I was able to get my mind out of that insanity. I got scared of myself. I don't know what to do after that. I've been struggling from abdominal pain for three days now and I don't know why. Maybe that was another factor why I punched my stomach so hard — I'm just tired because it hurts so much. Mentally and physically, it's tiring.

I am not yet diagnosed of any mental illnesses. But I'd like to believe that I am suffering from anger management disorder. But self diagnosis isn't that reliable yet. I am not yet able to hurt people, but what if that time happens. Or what if I hurt myself more than just punches? I want to be okay, I want to get help. But I'm scared I'll be judged. I'll be called overdramatic. People will stay away from me. And I don't want that.

My sanity, it's broken. Help?

[wordsfrommyuniverse]

I’m Back, Again...I Think

Here I am again, writing stuff. Every time I feel bad or something bothers me, I really try my best to let it all out whether it be through music or sketching random things. This time, however, melodies and pens can’t help anymore.

I’ve always talked about how I wanted things I have given to the world come back to me. I export and expect the same import. I heard Sagittarius-es stand up for fairness and justice. Equality. I don’t know if I had this personality because of my sign, but one thing that I know for sure - I don’t want it. I tried my best to not expect things from people. Just like what I said on my previous post, “People won’t always give you something you begged for.” Sadly, I had a hard time accepting that.

I’m tired of repeating the same old toxic personality of mine that even I, myself, badly struggle. I like people, people won’t automatically like me back (addressed not in a romantic way). I want to process that but I just can’t. Is it maybe because I seek for validation? Appreciation? Or attention? Because, if that’s the case, maybe it could justify what I feel because once a person showed you kindness, let that person feel or at least know that you appreciate that kindness or else they’d just think you’re taking advantage of them.

Anyway, I had a breakdown. I got anxious. Maybe for my friends and relatives, I value less than anyone. I’m like “the option”. The wandering piece of rock in space waiting for a planet to suck it down (with gravity). Well, I’m back here, typing and writing all this down. I’m back to being toxic, again.... I think. And I don’t want it.

[wordsfrommyuniverse]

Heal Craters

I actually lived my life not wanting to see other people's sadness just because the energy that they're trying to release is affecting not only me, but also other people who's concerned for him.

Whenever one of my friends feel down and blue, and feel like they're lost in space or something else that even their own selves could not explain, I always try to comfort them, give them advice if they need one, or listen to them ranting about how shitty their life is. I think I never complained about anyone's problem, but if I really did, maybe that's just because I am very hesitant to end their problems and to see them happy again. But that's not easy, of course.

But there are points in my life wherein I was the one who's asking for a hand, and no one did lend a hand. At that moment, I was really upset and disappointed since I was expecting that they'll do the same treatment I did to them. Until one day, I woke up realizing that people would never give something you begged for. If they're willing to help you, they'll help you.

My whole point here is, even though you do good things and you're just the only person who does that good thing, you should NEVER stop doing that good thing. Get my point? Never think twice on healing other people's craters. If not them, someone from this whole universe would do good things to you.