wordwrangling

[wordwrangling]

Music for my ears

The concept of youtube music covers always captivated me. They say so much, maybe not real things about the actual people but still they convey a lot of emotions.Stumbling on a cover by a stranger singing their heart out to a song that means a lot of them. OK camera placed in weird angle catching the soft sound of their instrument as they play for the sake of communication. The sharp sound of voice peaking in microphone that was only designed to pick up speech. From the softest voices to rumbling of the deepest. Singing that transforms into scream in synch with the line that just scratches the feelings of the person singing. The remarkable connection that forms between someone genuinely enjoying and feeling through a precious song screaming their heart out and the listener catching every high and low of this impromptu singing. The love I feel for all the bad quality sound and video covers I find is immense. You are showing me so much. I am grateful for that.

[wordwrangling]

Unfinished apollogy

Sometimes places and limbs feel like weight

Over and over losing what matters

Reflections of future that I came for far too late

Reasoning that I will fly even without feathers

You taking care of me for me than myself

[wordwrangling]

We were sitting so close together watching the sand roll over our camp. I could only guess what they were thinking about. I was thinking about them how beautiful their smile was. Smile sitting like a gem on that wind swept face. Beaten by wind sand, fauna and flora. Every dent on their dark skin was like some new treasure to find for me. New reason every time for me to ask: "How did this happen to you." Just so I could hear them talk about the road they have taken before meeting me. It was beautiful to know someone with so many dreams and thoughts that wanted to share everything with you. I was there for every second of it.

My hand grasping for theirs in the night just to find nothing was the most terrifying feeling I could feel. I always knew that they were close somewhere defending us. Looking out for me. They knew how to fight anything from feral dogs to giant lizards I never experienced them as lost or not knowing what to do. Only time I saw them hesitate and look lost was when after my 4th trip through the dessert and them as my guide I confessed my love for them. First reaction they had was to take the goggles from their face. The goggles left deep bruises from the pressure. Always putting them on too fast and with knot so tight that no person could tear them of their face. Words they said after that will always make me laugh. "Well then I might need some kind of breakfast to go with this sweet treat." I was kind of stumped by this because I expected some kind of an answer at that time. After we sat down they took of the long head scarf covering bottom of their face and I realized I never saw their hair. Dark black that almost ate away at the light around it in short trim but obviously growing fast. Unevenly cut probably by memory and with a knife. On some parts where the hair was long enough, not really long at all, curls started to show. I immediately wondered what would it look like if it was all grown out or just properly trimmed. That thought was immediately cut through by words."This way it fits under the scarf. Also were you travelling with me for those aproximatly 400hundred days just because you liked me. That seems kind of a lot for something so dangerous and hard." My screeching witch like cackle came out of me without warning."Well I think you are really special and want to wander with you for eternity but sorry not even I am that crazy all those four trips were for money." They smiled and nodded probably some kind of big boulder falling of their heart as they made sure I wasnt desert mad or a stalker. We then talked a talk only for our hearts and ears. We held each other close and traveled far. I never got of on the other side of desert. We took on another job and went back. It was us, desert and the road.

[wordwrangling]

Gods and sand

“I dont give a shit what they think.”was a first sentence I heard coming from the next tent to me in the morning.”Even if they designed all life, all that exists in known universe I could not give more of a shit about what they think about us.” Well it was here again the theological and existential argument 3rd day in a row. They were going on about this thing from start of our travel. I caused this problem myself. Should have never taken on escort of a priest and a doctor. I could get up and stop them but I was too invested at this point. “What in name of all Gods and Spirits do you mean with you could not give more shit?” The audible frustration of the priests voice was slipping through his well trained pattern of speech. Even lifelong priest cant deal with three days straight with arguments of this calibre without loosing a bit of composure. “ Well let me put it this way Padre even when we have evidence of gods watching us and controlling if they let us stay in their circles why should I want to? I have been watching suffering, happiness and peace come and go over last 60 years off my life. Never in those years have I witnessed any of those big piles of narcissistic godhood help or condemn anyone. You know why Padre? Because they also dont give a shit. Its just as with any negligent parent. They think they have made perfection and beauty but the minute it doesnt fit in their perfect timetable and rules we become inherently broken and need to be taught a lesson. Harsh lesson only by abandoning us for “our” own good  could solve. I mean what the fuck. If your parents left you like mine did and I could almost tell they did because for you gods are those parents. Its not teaching a lesson its abandoning your responsibilities and keeping bravado and proud shit-face about it all. Its just a sign of incompetence and pride. “ after this half screaming half trying to stay polite rant came a pause. I dont know if it was to let the priest the come up with some rebuttal or if it was just because the soup was ready and they both rather wanted to eat than continue with this. Sadly I never heard the priests answer and I deeply wanted to. He wasnt of that pushy kind or one of those everything is gods will. No he was quite a realist we all knew “gods” existed here once but the opinions on them were well lets say contagious. When the silence started to feel long enough I decided to get up. Opening up half my tent flap I felt condensed ice on the rough leather. That told me only one thing and that was that we are making it right on time across the desert. It was late evening and the cold in the dessert started to get unbearable. Surrealness of night desert never stopped fascinating me. Even in deepest of nights there was almost always light. With sky so open and full of stars you could almost feel the drowning sensation right between your eye and light falling into them. The ever stretching empty of sand coloured by the amount of different materials mixed in with deep silver shine of two moons reflecting all where eyes could see. Patterns of the minerals took on spirals and roll intermixing and reflecting back in different way with every step taken. Cloudless sky never moving at the right pace and steps disappearing with even the mildest wind. Recipe for madness or worse loosing track of time and space. But I couldnt do any of those my job as always has been to get those two people across safe and fast. Three days. behind us only 100 left for the crossing. “What a stupid job” I exhaled with dumb smirk across my face.”We should be moving we have only 7 hours to move.” 

[wordwrangling]

Containment

Last entry in the diary of Robin Fletcher

Its ending in few hours.At least I think it is. I need to record this. I dont know if there will be anyone hearing this. If there can be anyone after all what happened.I have been studying the shades for few years now. Behavior mainly. They never seemed as a threat to us. They never were. Thats a bit pointless to say as they seem to be the one and only thing remaining here.Only being able to survive. Its all really ironic we were never supposed to use them or disturb them but the funding of our research came from people whose only question was if we can somehow use them. I never paid much mind to that really. I always thought my research will show them the truth and if I can prove that they should not be exploited nobody would. Truly I was just too naive. When my first paper went through only thing they seemed to care about was that new kind of radiation and that they were unable to interact with us... for now. There never came other question after that. For next year they just let me do whatever I wanted. I was so excited of that prospect I never questioned what that was supposed to do for them. Just good publicicty. That was all no intention to go after what I found next. I dont even thing anyone read my next works. From what I know now there was work going on behind my back for harnesing that strange new radiation waves that didnt harm people.Why do we always have to exploit everything? Animals, people, earth and now them. Oh yea we find a new species that walks the ilne on paranormal and unexplained. What should we do exploit. I would amost say we deserve whatt was comming to us. I just cant. Nobody deserves what happened.

Everything turned upside down realy quickly. I dont know what actualy started it but it had to do something with trying tocontain the shades. They build some kind of machine to manipulate light in a way they couldnt pass through. As it turns out it didnt go too well the normaly nonthreatening and inactive shades started to bleed into surounding matter. In first place it was jsut the inorganic matter which was still a huge problem. Rocks and metal somehow started to leak. Leaking like if you stabed a barel full of water. The leaking was one of the weirdest things I have seen. Whenever you looked right at it it never felt right because it wasnt actualy liquid for it to be liquid it should have been hot it wasnt.Draged ad drolled all over the place like it was hurting. Rock hurting. It didnt make sense, so obviosly because we have no sense of self preservation, they started to test what it did with it. I dont know anything about those test and even if I knew its not my field so I could not understand it. But the elaking spread whenever afected shade touched.Obviously the containment they build wasnt enough.It spread faster than anticipated. Whole station and New earth settlement was gone in what I could guess in 3 hours. I was not there when it happened.  I am here now not for very long. My leags have been leaing for about 4 minutes now. I can feel them. Thats the worst part I can feel them like a sludge going into every hole over every peble. 

I cant use my right hand anymore its literaly behind corner. please someone end this. I wish someone could kill me.

I hope I wont stay conscious for long.The feeling of being spread all around is so horible. Feeling everything.

Feeling...my . lungs..down.......... There is almost nothing of me as a person. You cant imagine how horifing it is to turn into liquid. I cannot stop existing. Why ....... does this have to be what happens to me.

I wont have anything resembling mouth in a while. This is a goodbye from last person on New Earth colony.  Never come here dont get close. We have done this. Nobody else should suffer. Sen....d mess......... 

[wordwrangling]

FOMO ?

Fear of missing out is not a thing I do or feel. Its just complicated way to live.

Everything must happen at least once. Whoever ar whatever can or cannot see it is not of importance. Missing something is a feeling that is strongest and hardest when it comes from loss. Missing something that we did not even have is kind of selfish. Imagine if we thought of all thing that ever happend as somethign ours. 

It would be hardest and most painful existence.

FOMO is never a fear of actualy missing out its mainly a fear of not belonging and death.

Its fear of being left behind. 

What is worse than being left behind by all that matters. Losing connection.

Deep down beneeth every one of us. Is the emptiness and longing that we cannot fill. That is the strongest fear. Not of missing out. but not living. But you are living. we all are no matter why or how. thats all that matters

[wordwrangling]

Crawling, bleeding, looking for a chance.

Misery and suffering at the fist glance.

No power can move or defy nature.

Man all white giving world a lecture.

"For mans life is nothing. If it has no value."

They talk about safety about distance

Teaching us how to clean our hands

They have practiced at that skill

Like Pontius Pillate they wash their guilt

"So I humbly request a hearing"

Of you who see who feel our time is nearing

For we know held power is wrong

They will not hold power for long

Systems must fall and new must rise

This one doesn't care about human life

[wordwrangling]

Five at the round table

Four of them drunks

Three body able

Two monks

One

Five holding bunch of cards

Four playing for soul

Three hiding shards

Two control

One

Five loosing one by one

Four scared and shaking

Three might run

Two cling

One

Five none of them friends

Four lamenting their lives

Three making amends

Two wives

One

Five are not here anymore

Four lives were lost

Three on floor

Two cost

One

[wordwrangling]

Difficult are words of god

Who doesnt understand their godhood

The being of bogs and marshes

That just cares what they get for food

Will pray to one wielding the rod

The witch cares for them

She is not seen

Her herbs grow everywhere where her love

cannot be see

The one with godhood

Wishes to see

Where her wisdom

Came from to be

They struggle and fight

God of hunt is showing their might

Witch begs and sobs

For her power is of love and caring

Not of witchcraft and curse

They do not see

Feel like she must be the one worse

Young god

Knows no bounds

Righteous and brave

Knows no what is right or wrong

Just that they are a god

Witches death

Drenched the land in blood

Then came the flood

All for a foolish choice

Of someone with power

Stepping on one who had none

She became a goddess

For she cared more then they knew

She was never seen and always blamed

But in her eyes there never was any hate

She became goddess of poor, hungry, fools

Those were her people who needed love More than those powerful tools

And of god of hunt?

They knew of their mistake

And they held on to his hate

Not for her

but for those who send them

on path most foul

They lived as a god of hunt

for they hunted all who betrayed

those who hurt others

they were watching and helping

so no other

would do as they did

[wordwrangling]

trying to write sentences is hard

my brain is making poems I cannot write

every word wants to be sung

every syllable is like a ring that wasnt rung

I want my brain to write

the style of poems and stories I tell

is somehow much more simple when they dont exit my head

I am well

I am okay

but when I try for routine I fail

add or adhd is qhat I twll myslef I have

bud diagnoses is what I lack isntead

rhymes come out when they shouldnt

long words longerr thought go when otherwise they wouldnt

depresed is what they tell me I am

but I am functioning too well

what is it that I am

what do I hope to have

if all of my symptoms comw together

Instead of writing them down I rhyme and rhyme

forever

I need to help me and others

there will be no me

or children who have mothers

send love to those who desire

take hate from thos who know no other

feel real feel empty

fulfil everything

you can be

[wordwrangling]

Webweawer

“I was just looking for some fun.” Is not a sentence I thought I would hear myself saying to someone trying to poke through my right kidney with wery dull knife. It is what it is I already started so what go wrong now. Will he also stab me more than once? Cant loose anything now I guess. “I was taking just a walk in here and thought it would be fun jumping over that fence. Didnt know anybody owned it here.” By their initial reaction I somehow thought, in hindsight foolishly, that they were leting me go with just a scare and no more questions. I just in that moment didnt realize the presure was decreasing because as I first hand already learned, the blade was dull, they needed little bit more push to get it through the skin. Stab was followed up by slap across my face and fast question. That sounded more like someone scratching at the inside of my brain. “Dont try that on me I saw you coming here and connecting to the Net.” Maybe it could have been worse or it already was. They werent going to just stab me they saw me using the tech so I am uterly fucked. Probably knows I have augments, saw me doing something. “What you dont have more lies to tell? Caught you on your first job did I? Probably thinking in how deep shit you are standing? To tell you the truth from where I am stading I cant see even a hair from you in that shit.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I need to do something if I had at least some other augments then just that damn chip. But anything more would jsut fry my brain. That what I chose to be a damn Netweaver to anoy Corps and Cops. Maybe dont die hungry also. What will I do. I need to tell them something convincing. At least I cant feel the paint thanks to the auto pain killers.” Hey we can ...” Thump of my cold dead body last thing I heard before my failsafe went through. They just fucking offed me.. Didnt even want to know what I got. Which is nothing. It had too many bariers I didnt get anywhere. So they just offed me for nothing. Great. Now I also need find someone with microchip who will reupload me at Docs. She wont be happy about this. No body no info no way to pay for new body. Not much of a NEW body but more like new for me somebody already must have died in it and was preserved enough to rgenerate with the chip. Well I need to just start all over again I guess.