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[wrasslin-lps]

Shut Your Mouth!: Part 1, the Heat rises

Lucky walks into the arena, looking like a preening indy cunt, where upon he is instantly jumpscared by Michael Cole who asks him how he feels on his upcoming debut.

The option highlighted is the one I chose

Cole says good luck. Thanks for wasting my time you pile of cartilage! Speaking of wasting time, LuLu's off the leash, to wander around in the first person.

So, see ya!

You can wander around the arena and the city, and find generally not a lot! It's a cool feature, but I can't imagine wandering often

It's a good job every city in America is New York, because dressing this gay somewhere else in 2002 would backfire.

LuLu's first match is against 3 time WCW World Champion Diamond Dallas Paige - the might has fallen and fallen brutally since the WCW invasion, but for a Power Plant trained wrestler like Lucky, this is still a huge deal!

The match is a quick squash in Lucky's favour, and he wins with his Shooting Star Press. After the match, fellow rookie Maven says "wow you're cool. I can help you!"

Fuck off you condescending prick! This fucking jobber coming over to lecture me... even an indy prick like Lucky has some pride!

After a surprisingly close match with fellow flippy shit dude Billy Kidman, Lucky's hero DDP attacks him!

And he's saved by sigh Maven.

What cunt brought a Maven sign to a Kidman vs Luckstar match!?

Next week there's a tag match between DDP and Kidman vs Lucky and Maven. This prick cannot take a hint.

During the match Lucky ever so slightly cheats massively and attacks DDP with a table, and the referee is a total jerk about it and DQs him. This is Maven's fault.

Despite the DQ loss, after the match DDP calls Lucky a scumbag and explains that he hates him - challenging him to a streetfight!

Lucky, eager to get revenge on this dickhead without Maven getting in the way. Next week, Maven gets in the way.

FUCK OFF

Anyway, the match goes well

Getting a screenshot during a match is hard...

After the match, that CUNT Maven ""congratulates"" me.

FUCK OFF AND DIE

[wrasslin-lps]

Shut Your Mouth: Part 0, Lucas "Lucky" Luckstar and the

Finally, the millions upon millions of LuLu fans can stop waiting. I'm back - with a new character.

Lucas "Lucky" Luckstar - he's no crazy deranged black supremacist, but rather a wrestler in training from the WCW power plant. When the WWF bought out WCW, little LuLu was brought along - mostly wrestling on Sunday Night Heat, and not taking part in the InVasion.

It's been a few months since the InVasion - Ric Flair wormed his way into stealing power on the TV show Raw, while Vince McMahon licks his wounds on SmackDown.

McMahon and Flair will go head to head, drafting everyone but the Undertaker (who as the Undisputed WWE and WCW World Champion is exempt) and Stone Cold Steve Austin because he doesn't feel like it.

As you can see, Ric *robbed* Vince.

Which show was Lucky drafted on? Option C, Sunday Night Heat. The Jobber shows to get the crowd awake for the real TV show. It sucks to be Lucky...

Well, we gotta start somewhere...

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown! vs Raw: Part 8 - Wrestlemania.

Another cold open, except this time it’s LuLu limping his way to the ring. To his shock, he’s cheered by the honkeys of WWE. They cheer him, and boo when he mentions Eddie, Cena and Vince, and then cheers when he says they couldn’t finish the job. Between this and the Big Show, LuLu has been left rattled. 

LuLu calls out McMahon, who gloats that he expected LuLu to have learned his lesson after the beating on Sunday.

LuLu makes a solemn oath. He will never break - if McMahon wants him gone, then he’ll need to kill LuLu. “You may make my life a living hell, but I swear, I will drag you to hell with me.” And LuLu reveals why he called McMahon out.

McMahon and Cena are shocked, but McMahon laughs it off. He points out that LuLu can barely stand - but LuLu is undeterred. He makes an offer; he beats John Cena here and now, and he faces McMahon at Wrestlemaina. “You’re completely insane” McMahon sneers “But alright, you asked for it!”

The stakes couldn’t be higher!

John Cena is no joke, and with LuLu being injured, he has a hell of a match ahead of him. But as a Babyface, LuLu is determined to fight honourably. And when I say honourably, I mean use Torrie to distract the referee and attack Cena with a weapon.

With a hard earned victory, the next week McMahon announces that he is a man of his word. “Last week I made a gamble that backfired on me, so I’ll be appearing at wrestlemania... in a hell in a cell match." he says, clearly nervous. But he's as bitter as he is nervous, and decides McMahon decides that LuLu will have a tag team match against Chris Benoit and Garrison Cade - but hm, LuLu doesn’t have a tag partner. How about - Trish Stratus!

Backstage, Trish is very worried about the match, since she would be fucked up. LuLu assures her that his goons are after him, not Trish. And besides…

The match mostly goes as you would expect, Benoit and Cade kick the ever loving shit out of LuLu and poor poor Trish. The sitruation is dicey, but my mind whirs like a pc playing Crysis (christ, remember that game? It still runs like shit on most PCs, btw) and I devise a plan.

I was able to figure out how I could win the match despite my weak tag partner - throw her to the wolves. Despite what cutscene LuLu said, LuLu let Benoit and Cade beat the shit out of Trish and then ambushed Cade while Benoit put poor Trish in a crippler crossface to win the match.

After the match, LuLu celebrates with Trish - but hark! Benoit was pretending to be defeated!

He starts kicking the shit out of LuLu… but who runs in to save but LuLu's best friend and brother, the Big Show

Yeah. Yeah it is.

The next week, Vince McMahon grumbles that a certain wrestler dared interfere with the match. Vince gloats that to teach him respect, Show will be forced to- 

In walks Kurt Angle, back from the firing. And even the Boss answers to a higher power…

Kurt fires Benoit and Cena, and declares that since Vince McMahon will be wrestling at Wrestlemania, he loses access to his administrative powers. And in some genuinely glorious schadenfreude, Vince has to wrestle in a handicap match against the Big Show and LuLu.

I really can't communicate how good this feels.

After a brutal beating and a slam to McMahon’s grapefruit, Show and LuLu celebrate in the ring while the commentators muse whether or not McMahon will even survive the Hell In A Cell match... at Wrestlemania!

Backstage, LuLu is chatting with Trish in a manner that for once isn’t deeply unsettling and cringe for once. LuLu makes his intentions clear:

Trish wishes him well, and they hug. LuLu got Trish dragged into his own mess, but brief as their interactions have been, I do find them kind of sweet.

Elsewhere, McMahon is being interviewed before the match. His intentions are just as clear - and he feels that as someone who went from a trailer park to the chairman of billion dollar company, he’s not gonna lose.

“And once it’s over, nobody will say “no” to Vincent Kennedy McMahon!”

The match stays in the ring for about a minute before LuLu leaves to grab some weapons.

LuLu slaps Vince around for about a minute before LuLu decides to take to the sky!

Of course, what comes up…

But while McMahon draws breath, this match isn't over yet!

Wow, after such an astonishing stunt, the match has to be over! And when I say over, I mean they’re on their feet literally 5 seconds later.

But this match really will end with a bang!

And with a final Shattered Dreams…

LuLu wins the match!

After the match, LuLu puts Vince on the table, and climbs up the Cell and hey wait a sec I already did this!!

Yeah it's cooler in the cutscene but I did it twice!!!

This shot does have some power to it though…

Regrettably, Vince is still breathing, but still - a hell of a way to end the year.

LuLu humiliated the bastard CEO, and learned to forgive Yakub's people - while securing his legacy forever. A glorious ending to Season Mode... for Smackdown, at least.

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown! vs Raw: Part 7 - I should have taken the title

A cold open as Vince McMahon marches to the ring.

Vince announces that he’s given Kurt some “time off” - he’s been suspended indefinitely in light of LuLu’s ego problems.

Okay I really struggle to disagree

LuLu marches out and bluntly tells McMahon to chill - he wasn’t interested in the title, so what? McMahon makes it clear. The issue isn’t LuLu turned down the title, it’s that he said no to a McMahon. This won’t stand. “Tonight marks the beginning of a painful message for you, and that lesson is: Don’t cross the boss!”

LuLu is to have a tag match with Big Show against the Undertaker and Eddie Guerrero, because there is no punish more brutal than making a wrestler wrestle people. However, it swiftly becomes clear how this is a punishment…

Yeah...

After the match Big Show tells me that he was locked inside his locker room and that’s why he couldn’t come out to help. After Show says sorry, another man walks up to express condolences…

Big match John, whose PHD in Thugonomics makes him an honorary black man, tells me that McMahon likely bribed Show to no-show. Obviously LuLu takes Cena as gospel truth - he didn’t trust the Yakubian baboon Big Show anyway. 

The game seems to think that LuLu has a history with Cena and Show, but frankly Cena’s of aloof unreliable ally that is planting doubt in the trust I have in my friend would be better played by DuPree - and LuLu’s friend would be… no one. 

LuLu gives the white devil a chance to confess, but Show just gets indignant. John Cena emerges from no where to point out Show didn’t deny it. Show, outraged that John Cena dares accuse him of lying and betraying his best friend and brother LuLu, then they need to settle it in the ring.

Cena accepts… on condition.

LuLu won’t beat the shit out of Big Show and help my black brother John Cena out. ;)

Besides, Show is DIRTY and me and Big Match John are CLEAN, so it’s fiiiiine. LuLu will call it right down the middle, no bias at all.

After the match, Big Show sulks while LuLu celebrates with his brother and real best friend John Cena.

Cena takes out LuLu, and shockingly Big Show actually runs back in to try and save him. He fails, but LuLu is touched nonetheless. Perhaps he was too harsh to this white boy…

Next week, McMahon comes out to gloat about having bought that god damn Uncle Tom John Cena.

Cena explains why he did it - he wants the boss to like him and get more opportunities. Yep, fair enough! Cena brags that no matter how big LuLu or Show could become, “you ain’t never gonna be bigger than me!”

LuLu and the good Yakubian the Big Show have a tag match against John Cena and Eddie Guerrero. It’s a No DQ match, so LuLu just fucking brutalises Cena and makes him tap out. Show and LuLu for once don’t get attacked after the match. Instead, McMahon announces that at No Way Out, they’ll have a rematch… with a twist.

Truly, we were the No Way Out...

Before the match, Big Show is attacked! A noble white man, taken out by an honorary yet perfidious black man and a latino…? LuLu has stuff to think about…

Mostly how fucked he is

And it’s not a “you have to tag in to get the other guy” handicap match - the three just kick the shit out of LuLu all at once. It lasted 5 minutes, and I was proud of that. After the match, the trio keep kicking the shit out of him.

LuLu, battered and bruised, marches onward to Wrestlemania… if he can still walk...

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown vs Raw!: Part 6 - The Royal Rumble

Kurt Angle makes an announcement in the ring - with the Royal Rumble 4 weeks away, the winner will get their championship shot at Backlash instead of Wrestlemania.

The stakes for the next three matches couldn’t be higher - the more you win, the higher your number, and the later you’ll enter the Rumble. If LuLu wants to show the snow apes, he’ll need to win every match and the Royal Rumble.

After masticating Scotty 2 Hotty with my new finisher, the shattered dreams LuLu rises from number 1 to number 11. Big Show is in at 10, LuLu is in at 11, and the Undertaker is at 12.

Another match against Bobcore Bob Holly, and LuLu loses it. FUCK. The only consolation is that the Undertaker and Big Show also lost, so we all stay static.

You could never tell who the Create-A-Character is

Big Show politely wishes LuLu and ‘Taker luck, and ‘Taker calls them both losers and says they’re two easy eliminations. LuLu and Big Show sadly shake their head and leave… while Undertaker makes a phone call…

The Undertaker is my favourite so I need to stress he doesn’t say “Great! Thanks a lot!”. He just says the second half, and it sounds cool and sinister. Kurt Angle talks to the three of us, and tells us our next match will be a no-DQ triple threat.

LuLu will not win from 11 he needs to win this match - not just not lose.

God the Undertaker is so cool…

The match begins, and they all immediately exit the ring to grab weapons. Undertaker and Show bicker over a mallet, while LuLu grabs the ol’ reliable. There’s some brawling when, shock and horror, Chris Benoit from Raw shows up!!! And does very little, but it was still a surprise.

His main contribution was to grab people’s legs and trigger an animation where they point at him and complain for a little while, which left them vulnerable. Ultimately, the Big Show hit his weird finishing move on the Undertaker but got his leg grabbed, which let LuLu swoop in and pin the Undertaker to win.

After the match, Benoit and Undertaker beat Show and LuLu up even though it was the Undertaker pinned by - gah whatever

Backstage, Bischoff smugly and evily reveals his evil plan. The Undertaker’s contract expires after Wrestlemania, so he poached him with the plan for the Undertaker to win the matches, Royal Rumble and defeat WWE Champion JBL, so he could then head to RAW and dump the WWE Championship in the trash to humiliate Smackdown.

The plan has objectively failed since the Undertaker was pinned and will enter the match early, but hey ho. It’s time for the Royal Rumble!!!

Number 1 & 2: Christian and U.S Champion Booker T. If LuLu loses, it should be a fellow King like Booker.

3. Edge

4. Rob Van Dam

5. Ric Flair, WOOOOOO

6. The Undertaker, nice and early.

Undertaker effortlessly throws out RVD in matter of seconds, fuck he might be better than me.

7. Tajiri

Tajers kicks the shit out of the Undertaker and forces him to flee. Undertaker is then able Gorilla Press throw Christian out!

8. Oooh, Chavo~

Undertaker gets his revenge and throws out Tajiri, sad.

9. Bobcore Holly

Undertaker throws Booker T over the top rope and kicks him out - and in comes…

10. WEEEEEEEELLLL, WELL IT’S THE BIG SHOW

A coalition force of the Undertaker and Holly throws out Edge. In less than 10 seconds, the Big Show and the Undertaker throw out Bobcore Holly as well

11. Rhyno

Chavo, in the 10 seconds between Rhyno and the next guy showing up, seems to fall out of the ring by mistake

12. D-Von Dudley, the monster Bubba’s half brother

13. A-Train

Undertaker throws Big Show over the top rope, but Ric Flair narrowly saves Show. It’s for naught - while Flair does his finisher on D-Von and Undertaker brawls with Rhyno, A-Train swiftly throws out Big Show

14. Mark Jindrak

A-Train is tossed out by Undertaker, and just as I was musing that Ric Flair is an iron man, he’s thrown as well by D-Von and Rhyno. Jindrak is the one to slay the Undertaker, and finally someone enters after the chaos. “There are decades where nothing happens, and weeks where decades happen.” I believe Lenin was describing exactly this, a wrestling video game.

15. Batista

16. Garrison Cade

17. The monster Bubba Ray

Batista gorilla slams out D-Von, and Bubba throws out Jindrak.

18. Rico

19. Matt Hardy? More like Hardly!

Rhyno is the only survivor in the first screenshot.., and alas, Cade eliminates him.

20. Scotty 2 Hotty

While I was jotting this down, Bubba was somehow eliminated. Oops! Thank god I don’t have to fight him!

21. Lualito Luckstar

LuLu storms into the ring, full of piss and vinegar, and does his best to avoid any fighting. Scotty 2 Hotty throws out Rico, and when LuLu went to try and help LuLu accidentally attacked him, throwing himself into a fight.

22. Charlie Hass

Scotty 2 Hotty and Matt Hardly (repeating in case you missed the subtle joke the first time) team up to throw out Batista

23. Renee DuPree

Hass and LuLu team up to throw Cade, while DuPree returns to where he last left off and started beating the shit out of LuLu

24. Rey Mysterio

LuLu throws out Charlie Hass!

25. Shelton Benjamin

LuLu and Scotty 2 Hotty team up to throw out Matt Hardly (You see Hardy sounds like Hardly, please clap). Scotty then spends about a minute throwing LuLu over the top rope and failing to eliminate him before getting bored and wondering off.

26. Triple H

LuLu finally throws out Scotty 2 Hotty with help from DuPree, and than they both throw out Shelton Benjamin. A heartwarming friendship is emegring!

27. Chris Jericho

28. Chris Benoit, still not gonna mention it

Triple H and Benoit throw at poor Rey Mysterio

29. Eddie Guerrero

Chris Jericho throws LuLu into the Walls of Jericho submission, and then Benoit puts him in the Crippler Crossface, and LuLu cannot tap out this is just torture. LuLu further endures an agonisingly close call from Triple H and Benoit before running away to return to his vaunted “coward” tactic. It fails - he’s thrown out by Triple H, and we never learn who number 30 is, or who even won.

I forgot to screenshot it, but please picture LuLu looking sad

It’s Smackdown. Kurt Angle and Vince McMahon are talking in their office - and well, they’re perfectly clear.

Funny how that works. Booker T, the US Champion, is a black man. And these two whyte men want two black men to tear each other apart, pursuing the US title. It’s sickening, isn't it? A truly bitter premise. LuLu is himself clear.

McMahon warns LuLu - this was his personal idea, and he would be personally offended if LuLu turns him down. 

Too bad, cracker.

He is objectively correct in this assessment of LuLu

McMahon is enraged, and promises to visit Smackdown to teach the wrestlers here to respect authority!

Holy shit an actual cliffhanger

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown! vs Raw: Part 5 - the 13th Amendment

After that tragic and brutal ending to the Bubba beating the shit out of LuLu storyline, Stacey Kiebler of RAW approaches him to work with him. Because this is the dark ages of 2005, a different time truly, she’s also a hoor. LuLu agrees to pick her, to keep the white birth rates down.

She wants to put LuLu through a gauntlet! She demands that LuLu beats cracker ass Charlie Hass, which LuLu handles easily. After the match, LuLu and Hass shove each other - but shock and horror, Matt Hardy shows up!!!

The game cuts to next week, so I choose to believe the beating lasted 6 days. Matt Hardy and Batista show up and challenge LuLu and Hass to a match, which summons Kurt Angle to tell them both to fuck off back to RAW.

Backstage, LuLu and Hass have a gay macho argument about Keblier, but agree to keep focus on their upcoming tag match against Batista and Matt Hardy which is happening even though Kurt told them to fuck off.

Have fun Chuck!

Or at least that was the plan. Unlike later games, when you tag into the other character you actually play as them. While this is way more fun than tagging out and then just waiting for 5 minutes to play the game again, it did ruin my funny plan to have Hass lose for fun.

I throw the match for roleplay aka that idiot Chuck fucks it all up! Batista and Matt beat Chuck up after the match.

Ignore LuLu plox and thx

Backstage, LuLu is nursing his head for some reason while Stacey pretends she watched the match that had LuLu cheerfully walk away from Hass.

Stacey invites LuLu to Raw to watch her in a Bra and Panties match, a match wherein two women face each other and the woman that strips the other wins. It was 2005, how were people to know this kind of thing was demeaning?

Next week, LuLu enters Stacey’s locker room, with permission for once!, and Stacey shows off her bra and panties and promises to have LuLu play Santa, where she sits on his lap, if she wins the match while I cringe and beg for it to end.

After a cringe-inducing match where I reflect that perhaps Anita Sarkisian had a point, LuLu heads on stage and I prepare for my agony to increase tenfold. Luckily, I am at last granted mercy.

RAW GM Eric Bischoff says he’s angry that LuLu was such a cool badass to Batista and Matt Hardy he’s going to make him fight them both at the same time, and it dawns on me that this is self-insert fanfiction for very, very sad teenagers.

The match goes how you would expect, and LuLu LuLoses. The whole thing was fucking pointless, as the match for Survivor Series is a 15 Man Over The Top Rope Battle Royale at Survivor Series. And the winner… wins Stacey. I mean, it was her idea, but this stuff is still skin crawling.

What’s funny is that I think Torrie, my other property, has higher stats than Stacey, so I don't even want her!! This is all very baffling. Despite being called a Battle Royale, it’s actually a 15 man Royal Rumble where people enter in intervals 6 at a time(so the PS2 doesn’t meltdown and cry)

Entrants in the Battle Royale:

Chris Jericho, Intercontinental Champion

Shawn Michaels, who is like 10 years older than Stacey and a born again Christian 

Garrison Cade, more like Gay Loser

Lutalo Luckstar

Matt Hardy, more like Matt Hardly

Tajiri

LuLu mostly just decided to observe the chaos.

Yep, that’s some chaos alright.

LuLu takes advantage to shove HBK out of the ring, and taking his place is

7. A-Train

Garrison Cade is eliminated by someone I dunno LuLu was being attacked when it happened, and taking his place 

8. Batista

LuLu and Jericho team up to take out A-Train, and LuLu immediately runs away because that’s scary. A-Train’s replacement

9. Christian 

runs into the ring, and Lulu gets nearly tossed out by Tajiri and that prick Chrisitian. LuLu works with Jericho to toss Tajiri over the rope, but he gets trapped and thrown out by Hardly and Batista.

This waste of time was rendered a bigger waste of time.

I love the shot of LuLu looking sad to conclude it.

LuLu did, several months ago. 

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown! vs Raw: Part 4 - the Monstrous Bubba Ray Dudley

LuLu, bitter that he was unable to kidnap another woman, enters his match against Bobcore Bob Holly with piss and vinegar.

He still loses. After the match, Renee DuPree pops up and condescends to LuLu. That fucking Caucsoid dares talk down to LuLu? It’s on.

Dupree, a classic 21 year old Has-Been

Dupree and LuLu bicker - DuPree calls LuLu junior and acts like he’s been here for decades, because I get the feeling this storyline was not made with him in mind, while LuLu makes annoying marvel quips. DuPree reveals he has a friend. It’s-OH FUCK

Bubba, still furious that I beat up Charlie Hass that one time, beats the shit out of LuLu from behind after he tricks him with a fake entrance. DuPree and Bubba continue to beat the shit out of LuLu, and DuPree boasts that he’ll end LuLu’s career!

The next week, Kurt Angle comes out to denounce the beating. Calling it one of the most heinous he ever saw, and summons Bubba Ray, angry that he hospitalised LuLu. 

Yeah he’s real "upset"

Bubba Ray smugly tells him that he was just providing exciting TV - “How could I know he was so… fragile.” Kurt, a glint in his eye, smirks. “He wasn’t as fragile as he seemed!” LuLu marches in, enraged…

...and very fragile, all crippled up. 

LuLu announces that he’ll strike back at No Mercy, and Angle makes it a No DQ match. Revenge will be served! Backstage, Rey Mysterio expresses his admiration for LuLu’s courage. While Rey’s not White, he’s still not Black, so LuLu tells him to fuck off.

Rey sulks off, and LuLu remains partnerless for his feud against DuPree and Bubba.

Next week, LuLu confirms to his millions of fans(?) that his doctors are saying he’ll be better by No Mercy and calls out his attackers to a match - both of them, even though he has no backup, because he is retarded. LuLu "enjoys" a nice handicap match.

He very, very, very narrowly won the match by making DuPree tap out. But the fucking obvious happens after the match.

DuPree and Bubba walk away, and LuLu prepares to face them at No Mercy… sort of. In a handicap match, they need to tag in to get support, or else be DQ’d. But while the match in No Mercy is a single against Bubba, who LuLu has never beaten, DuPree willI be present, and be impossible to DQ. His only hope is that Bubba is too proud to rely on DuPree, and gentle Lutalo can use weapons well enough to beat Bubba…

Truly, LuLu will show Bubba... No Mercy!!

Bubba swings at LuLu, but LuLu is able to counter into a grapple that takes Bubba down for just long enough to escape the ring and grab chairs. LuLu alternates between beating Bubba down and taunting to raise his Finisher bar. LuLu is able to crush Bubba’s throat with the chair, and goes for a pin!

AND THEN

DuPree gets into the ring to break up the pin, and Bubba uses the distraction to take LuLu down. When he takes LuLu down, he hits him several times with a chair and then uses a chair finisher and beats LuLu in roughly two minutes like LuLu had done nothing to him before that. It was so fast I didn’t get any screenshots of it. DuPree stands over LuLu's body and taunts him.

The camera focuses on LuLu’s broken body, and the show comes to a close. 

And the biggest part of the tragedy is that no one offered to help.

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown! vs Raw: Part 3 - What goes around....

After that really shitty month, LuLu returns to his sex pervert roots by walking into Sable's dressing room uninvited and acting perverted to her. She, rightfully, slaps him and LuLu glares at her. The cutscene ends presumably begore LuLu puffed his cheeks and stormed out like a little boy.

Sable vents about this Chavo Guerrero, and he promises to protect her from this sex creep pervert.

Chavo actually says "Don't worry about that guy, holmes." Voice acting rocks!

My match for this week is- OH FUCK

I decide to just hit him with a chair and get DQ'd, Bubba is way past my pay grade. After the match, Chavo runs in to simp for Sable.

The next week, LuLu corners Sable and does more wholesome flirting before Chavo steps in and successfully intimidates a man nearly a head taller and nearly 100 lbs heavier than him.

Sable then makes out with Chavo, and escorts him to the ring when he has a match against LuLu next. LuLu actually beats him pretty badly, winning in just a few minutes. In the cutscene afterwards Chavo beats him up after the match. Awesome.

The next week, Chavo beats Charlie Hass (god damn this is the Endgame of weird shitty wrestling LPs) and LuLu walks out to brag about kidnapping Sable in the garage. Chavo sprints over 

But hark! Twas a cunning trap!

And apparently GM Kurt Angle approved of this ambush to kill Chavo, and sanctioned it as a match. Chavo is no Bubba, and LuLu kicks the fucking shit out of. It was a brutal affair, and poor Chavo didn't have a chance - plus he had a match before, so he had less health going into it.

Chavo goes to Angle, and makes a demand. LuLu and Chavo will face each other at Summerslam, in a first blood match! (First to make the other bleed wins, no holds barred)

Summerslam... read 'em and bleed.

I hate to end on an anti-climax and I don't want to make excuses or anything but I accidentally doubled the game speed on my PS2 I am using to legally play the game, and I really struggled to adapt and it had been ages since I saved, so LuLu just lost and lost pretty badly.

He had kicked so much ass before hand as well....

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown! vs Raw: Part 2 - LuLu's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Month

LuLu, having recently kidnapped that woman, is minding his business in his locker room, reading his book, when some chump called Charlie Hass walks in and randomly talks shit about him genuinely entirely unprompted and challenges him to a submission match.

LuLu offered a calm and reasoned response.

Following the beating, Charlie Hass aka Crippled Charlie (That is MY nickname and MY IP and I WILL pursue legal action if used without my permission) has been softened up, but he uh cheated and cheated bigly. You literally wouldn't believe me if I told you the amount of cheating that occurred so I'll skim over it.

At next weeks show, LuLu is literally hobbling to work because Hass crippled him that badly, when he's ambushed by Bubba Ray Dudley, who had been incensed by LuLu's dishonour.

It leads to a clear violation of employee safety laws when we start brawling backstage, and I don't care a referee is here, this is clearly a crime!! Of course, calling the Whyte cops would probably backfire for LuLu, but nonetheless!!!

Anyway, despite throwing Bubba into a fucking fuse box, Bubba Ray's fat must have absorbed the shock, and he won that one as well.

Whyte people will really just absorb electricity to keep the black man down...

The way I got my ass kicked really impressed Smackdown GM Kurt Angle, and he talks about finally lifting a black man up.

The next week, Rey Mysterio talks about how cool it was when I got 7 shades of shit kicked out of me in a Submission Match and in the Backstage Brawl, but says you need to able to defy gravity and face your fear if you want to really make it in this industry.

And best of all, the briefcase has a week's worth of pay. Given that I desperately need to buy EXP, this really gets me psyched up to-

Oh.

Ah. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for LuLu, Charlie Hass and Bubba Ray really want Rey Mysterio to lose his money and forces LuLu into the ladder match. Can't wait to hit Rey Mysterio with a mallet 70 times!

It's okay he has it coming

Despite fucking crippling him, I lost. Again. This is not LuLu's fucking month... Rey Mysterio is at least a good sport about winning.

He really, really had that beating coming.

Kurt Angle reveals what the main event he had talked to LuLu about earlier. He enjoyed the way LuLu got his fucking ass kicked over and over, now he wants to watch it happen all over again all at once in a Battle Royale at Vengance!!

Vengeance... LuLu's last chance to make something out of this shitty month.

My plan was to avoid the chaos and snipe at chumps after they hit each other. This plan failed because they all ganged up on LuLu and beat the ever loving shit out of him for a few minutes before LuLu lucked, or hue hue hue luckstared, into Bully Ray hitting Rey Mysterio and was finally able to get some breathing room. A few minutes of madness later, LuLu was able to eliminate Billy Hass! One down, three to go!

Hass was eliminated at the exact moment Rey-Rey hit Bubba with a 619, which feels fitting for luck LuLu has had this month.

Bubba survived the 619, and brawled with Rey-Rey long enough to narrowly pin him as well while LuLu spammed taunts to charge up his finishing move and removed turnbuckle pads. And then there were just two...

You think your special...

You do...

Bubba was pretty damn terrifying. He had shrugged off a finisher, and had far more health than LuLu. Fortunately, LuLu had a devastating flurry prepared. His finisher, the diamond dust required someone gets thrown into the corner of the ring - which LuLu had made more dangerous by removing the turnbuckle pads. Bubba Ray was thrown into the corner, and even as he writhed in agony, was granted no reprieve. LuLu sprinted towards, used his diamond dust finisher. With such a devastating combo, Bubba Ray had no choice but to kick out of the pin very easily like LuLu had done functionally nothing.

Fuck

Even after all of this, Bubba still had far more health - he also had a higher finisher bar. But there still remained a seed of hope for LuLu - underneath the finisher bar, you can see a CLEAN (and in the case of LuLu) DIRTY bar. This is the Face/Heel bar, which measures how Facish-Heelish the wrestler is acting. With the crowd being all Crackkkers, LuLu isn't interested in being any kind of face. Doing top rope moves, kicking out at 2, and taunting after delivering a brutal blow raises the CLEAN bar, while removing turnbuckles, complaining to the referee and using weapons raises the DIRTY bar. When the CLEAN bar is full, the wrestler is invincible for thirty seconds. But when the DIRTY bar is full, the wrestler gets access to a devastating cheating move. It was a tight call, but LuLu barely managed to raise his DIRTY bar high enough to get the cheating move!

I don't know why the camera went blurry when I unlocked it

LuLu unleashed the heinous, devastating "beg for mercy and then hit him in the balls" attack - brutal, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

It took everything LuLu had - he used brutality and cunning, and by hook and by crook, he lost anyway Bubba Ray kicked out quite easily and won.

Oh fuck off

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown! vs Raw: Part 1 - LuLu does NTR

Lualto is wondering backstage, looking for something to do to het his name out there. He spies upon Rene Dupree, a Frenchoid, arguing with a purdy women, Torrie Wilson, his manager. His character is immediately ruined when he reacts with lust for a woman with bad melanin.

Well.... um.... she could be a concubine? I had built LuLu up to be a hero, but I suppose he'll need to pick this creepy pervert answer.

Oh boy he is a creepy pervert.

Dupree steps in the way, warning LuLu to watch his mouth and keep his hands to himself. LuLu glowers, but walks away for his match against Scotty 2 Hotty.

Thank christ, I beat the most 2000s man alive. I meant to screenshot LuLu's ring attire, but I forgot too. Oops! Torrie approaches me afterwards, and is unsurprisingly desperate the seed of the superior African males, but Dupree steps in again and tells LuLu to back off again.

You think you're special, you do...

After beating Hardcore Holly the next week so badly LuLu took his iconic victory nap he has after he wins, because he totally won, I was treated to a cutscene where Torrie gaslights DuPree by saying she never flirted with LuLu (she did it in front of DuPree, he saw it) and DuPree says she's not allowed to leave his changing room or else "there's going to be some very unpleasant consequences". LuLu has somehow emerged to be the most heroic character in this storyline...

Spoke too soon! Creepy pervert LuLu creeps into Torrie's locker to check up on her. Torrie warns him that Rene would be pissed if he saw he was here, and LuLu dismisses him since he's busy losing to Scotty 2 Hotty. DuPree barges in literally right afterwards, furious with LuLu. He tries to pick a fight there and then, but Torrie tells him to calm down since he just had a match. DuPree throws the gauntlet nonetheless!

Incidentally, the game has voice acting. He actually says "Next week, I'm gonna show you what happens when you mess with me, my woman, or my dog FiFi!"

DuPree and his dog FiFi

This storyline is so morally grey... Torrie is a gaslighter, DuPree is an implied a abuser, LuLu is a pervert even aside from the whole racism thing.

DuPree and Torrie shower together, and she promises that if she wins they'll have "fun" afterwards. At last! An in-character motive LuLu - if he wins, he can stop the spread of the White menace!

THE GOD DAMN YAKUBIAN BEAT HIM. Torrie and DuPree kiss in the ring while LuLu sulks away... but returns!

He throws down a gauntlet of his own - he will stop the Whites from breeding, by facing DuPree in a match where Torrie's manager contract is on the line at Judgement Day. But not just any match - a Last Man Standing match!

(A Last Man Standing match is a match where the only rule is whoever is unable to stand after a slow ten count is the loser. Weapons and all holds are legal.)

This Judgment day - the black man will get the last laugh!

The match was a a display of LuLu's deep cunning and genius strategy. No one could match LuLu's brilliant wit!

Heroically Luckstar commits a sex crime after winning, and drags Torrie away like some kind of weird troll. He ends Torrie's relationship, and keeps the White birth rates low. At least there's that?

My first god damn storyline, and right away it's god damn NTR.

She agreed to it! How nice of her.

[wrasslin-lps]

Smackdown! vs Raw: Part 0 - Background lore!

This blog will be dedicated to the adventures of Lutalo Luckstar, a wrestler for the WWE! A member of Nation of Islam and staunch Black Supremacist, Lutalo tore through independent wrestling companies, defeating the White champions and spitting on their belts during the 1990s.

Eventually, he found himself in WCW during it's dying days. Salivating at the idea of destroying the biggest Southern Wrestling company. However, it became clear LuLu had been a big fish in a small pond and faced defeat after defeat. Even WCW finally shut down, and he worked with the WCW invaders to conquer the WWF, he was barely a grunt in the army of pathetic clowns WCW. In the years that have followed, LuLu has been a jobber...

It's March 15th, 2004. The day after Wrestlemaina 20, which of course LuLu had no involvement with. Things will change. Yakub's creatures will know terror - Lutalo Luckstar will be the champion he knows he is.

World Heavyweight Champion: John Bradshaw Layfield

U.S Champion: Booker T