written-after

[written-after]

Fin

I’m sorry. You believed in me, but I failed you. No one deserves to see me like this, all the negativity I emanate is the last thing everyone needs in their lives. It hurts to see all of you around me putting up with my suffering, battling my emotions and thoughts, no one needs to do that anymore. I’m sorry. I thought I’m strong enough, but I guess I’m not like you. You might say I didn’t try hard enough, but all I ever really wanted was to find my reason for living and I couldn’t find it. Maybe I wanted to feel loved, maybe I just wanted more time and attention, but I guess my desires will never be enough. It will be an unending cycle of worry, pain, anger, jealousy, and insecurity. I don’t want to put any of you through that anymore. I’m sorry. This is not you or anyone’s fault. Please understand that. This is really my decision and I want to be in control this time. Ultimately, I choose to stop being a burden and hurting the people around me. People will tire of caring, of listening, of worrying, because it’s part of being human. I am tired of myself, too. No one wants to live each day just surviving, to wait for the day to end, and fall asleep just so you could forget. I’m certain you don’t want this for me. I won’t live this kind of life anymore. I’m sorry. You’ll say it’s selfish of me to end my life without even thinking of the pain I will bring. I’ve lived for 28 years, there’s so much more to life you’ll say. But the thing is, I’d like to believe there’s another life waiting for me on the other side. An undiscovered world where everything will feel right and where I truly belong. My family, friends, and you will survive and move on. I will leave in peace. No one needs to hurt anymore. Finally, thank you. Our final year has been rough, but I’ll never regret each moment we shared when we had the chance. You, holding my hand inside the bus, was the best chapter of my life. I’ll never forget you and the way you made me feel until the last second. You are the last man I loved, and I have no regrets. My last request. Live for me. Travel to places I have dreamed of, discover new restaurants, learn something new, fall in love again, and find joy in the small things. I hope you remember me each time you feel happiness because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. Thank you for your patience. It’s time to let go. No more pain. Just peace.

[written-after]

We tried. But sadly, like all journeys, the end is here.

[written-after]

A reminder that you don't need to go back to that dark place. The world is bigger than you can imagine and there's so much waiting for you out there. There is more to life than uncertainties, lies, betrayals, and rejection.

There is love, real love out there. A love that is whole, a love that is sure of you. It waits.

[written-after]

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn…

[written-after]

If you love me today, love me tomorrow too

And if tomorrow won’t arrive,

love me until nightfall

and if nightfall is late,

I’ll bite the moon–

these are the craters

of my heart,

this is how I’ll love you

With the warmth of the sun

In my eyes

And the hope stars bring

In my heart

I’ll love every millisecond I get with you

And all the time in between

I’ll love you even when you don’t

I’ll love you even when you’re gone

[written-after]

You split me, and tore my heart open. You filled me with Love. You poured your spirit into mine. I knew you as I know myself. My eyes are radiant with your light. My ears delight in your music. My nostrils are filled with your fragrance. My face is covered with your kisses. You have made all things new. You have made me see all things shining. You have granted me perfect ease. I have become like paradise.

[written-after]

I am pretending you did not exist.

Ink nightly washes black over my consciousness

and abandons me as morning seaweed

upon a foreign beach.

I am pretending we were simply

the sparkling imagination of some higher being,

our life together set below a singular epic sky

unrepeated in future histories.

I am pretending I cannot taste you

each day as I do the sea air in my breath

when I am running,

my heart tied upon one foot,

ancient melancholy tied upon the other,

anxiously racing,

madly racing through lifetimes,

to find our brightened souls.

I see you in colors that don’t exist.

It is all that I see clearly,

and why I run.

[written-after]

My Last Memory of You (A Series)

“I can’t do this anymore, X.” For months, I held on thinking you would change. That night, you were holding on to my shirt, begging for another chance. I looked away, and you sped off.

“I’m sorry. My mind is somewhere else.” You cheated on me but I wanted to see you one last time. I waited at our usual coffee place near your place. Finally, I saw you from where I was seated. You were alone, so I followed you until I lost track. I lost you.

“It’s nice to finally meet you.” The first time I met you was also the last time I saw you. I cried when I got home that night because I knew were happy, and that I was no longer your reason for your happiness.

“I think we should live apart and see things from here.” Inside your car at the parking lot, there was an awful silence between us. I stared into the night sky thinking this is really the end. We can’t keep hurting each other, I thought. We hugged and cried before you let me go. I knew I loved you.

[written-after]

Please help me. I lost someone today and I don't think I want to live anymore.

[written-after]

Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.

[written-after]

My desires in a relationship have changed over time. I no longer want someone who promises to always love me and never leave me, I need someone who understands that life happens and sometimes things don’t work out. I don’t want someone who sugar coats things and never gets angry with me, I need someone to tell me how it really is and put me in my place. I need to be able to go five hours without talking to you and not feel lost or incomplete. I am complete without you. But with you, I want to be so much better. I want to be stronger with you. I want us to grow together and help each other grow individually. I don’t need you, but I really fucking want you. And this may not work out, but the fact that you understand all of this and this is how our relationship works, makes me think we’ve got a pretty good shot.

[written-after]

Hey, I'm secretly starting to like Coke Zero because of you.

[written-after]

It's alright. I understand. I would be tired loving me, too.

[written-after]

Please tell me how you are, and how you spend your time. Tell me what I don’t want to hear. It’s all right. I can stand anything. Except your silence.

Edna St. Vincent Millay, from a letter to Arthur Davison Ficke featured in Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay (via violentwavesofemotion)

[written-after]

What have I endured to deserve you in this life? What pains were suffered?

Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson (via tylerknott)

[written-after]

Sometimes I feel that I'll never love as deep again and you have ruined me for all others because I don't remember how to touch or kiss anyone else. There is no one to blame but myself.

[written-after]

Perhaps there is an unbearable feeling of emptiness in clinging to someone who is not meant for you.

Perhaps you need to stop having false hopes and expecting things to change one day.

Perhaps you will offer your heart to someone and they will break it so you can be whole again.

Perhaps there is beauty in living for yourself and being happy on your own.

Perhaps we need to leave in order to find where we truly belong.