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Why #Millennials' Self-Important Demand to be Paid is Really Self Preservation

Why #Millennials’ Self-Important Demand to be Paid is Really Self Preservation

January 24, 2019, Australia—Entitled general managers no longer willing to work for free, say frustrated interns at Muffin Crack, an Australian company that relies on volunteer work from its CEO and management executives.

“It’s just so frustrating,” says Blueberry Skohn, an intern at Muffin Crack who supervises hiring the C-suite executives. “Every time the company doesn’t go bankrupt, they…

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Obviously, this is satire. I am not using the White House microwave to eavesdrop on the president scrawling his speech in crayon.

Congratulations to all of you who get to hear the best State of the Union address ever…since last year. I know those of you at home are enjoying it too, because your TV is spying on you. And if not your TV, then your microwave.

First, I want to tell you the state of the Union is great, because I am making America great again! BUT, we still have much to fear, because there are caravans of people from all over the world and maybe even Mars… and a couple parallel universes, see why we need Space Force…  everywhere coming to take what’s ours!

There are so many people to fear, I don’t know where to start—oh wait, yes, I do, yes I do. The gravest threat facing our country today is poor people! You know they’re all out to take your hard-earned money. Not mine, because I store mine offshore, but definitely all of yours. Do you know most poor people work multiple jobs? Where do you think those jobs come from? They come from you, and then you don’t have any money!

State of the Union Leaked Draft

And then those nasty poor people want welfare, folks, they want welfare, even though they’ve taken jobs from the good, hardworking people like you, they still want welfare. Can you believe that? They want free healthcare, free college, a free place to live—who do they think they are, my family?

Then, once they’ve taken all your money, they want to raise the minimum wage. Don’t they know how hard life is for CEOs and shareholders these days? Don’t they know raising the minimum wage to fifteen dollars an hour will force big companies to blame their regular price increases on a higher minimum wage? Don’t they know the damage to our economy when a CEO is forced to limit himself to only five summer homes in the Hamptons? It’s an absolute disaster!

And you know what’s an even bigger disaster than our own citizens robbing the rich? Foreigners. Foreigners who are out to take those high-paying jobs available to everyone with a first grade education in this great country! Foreigners who want to take welfare from the poor mooches who were lucky enough to be born in this great country. Let me tell you, those illegals will rob our poor of every dime they just fleeced from the rich, before they can even spend it on beer and cigarettes. Then they’ll start committing serious crimes—coming after the rich!

There’s another big threat facing this country too: Women. It’s a scary time to be a man, guys, because these days you can’t harass women anymore without them getting all sensitive and snowflakey about it. Can you believe it, now women you don’t even know want you to ask permission before you grab ’em by the pussy? Why do they hate men?

Getting back to pussies, have I mentioned I’m taller than Obama? And I had a bigger crowd at my inauguration? You wouldn’t believe the crowd size! Everyone wanted to see me make America great again.

And I have, but we can’t forget all the threats facing us. We can’t forget the threat of the well-educated. The well-educated are scary because they’re always trying to confuse good, honest, Americans with annoying things like “facts”‘, and I don’t mean the good, safe, alternative kind. The scientists are especially dangerous. Do you know they’ve formed a cabal and created the hoax of global warming? Well, the Chinese helped, but mostly, it was the scientists, folks. It was the scientists. If those people have their way, they’re going to put solar panels on everything, and then how will I get a tan after we use up all the sun running our electricity? Fortunately, my Secretary of Donation Education, Betsy DeVos, is working tirelessly to ensure American students are educated properly on the scourge of environmental hoaxes like climate change. She’s asked me to remind our young viewers to think logically: How can the globe be warming up when the Earth is flat?

As if the scientists aren’t bad enough, then we have LGBT people. Make no mistake, they have an agenda to convert everyone to their sexual preferences. Remember back when America was great, you could turn on the TV and see only straight people kissing each other. Back then, we didn’t have gay people or transgender people or arguments about who used what bathroom. There were no gay people until the gays invaded the media!

It gets worse, it gets worse. Then there are the foreign threats. Mexico is sending rapists and murderers, and Canada is trying to steal our citizens by dangling the carrot of free healthcare. And Norway refuses to send us any more limmigrants because they claim most of their citizens don’t want to move here—even though I’m making America great again! And don’t even get me started on all the people from shithole countries who want to come here and get on welfare, shaking our poor billionaires down worse than our own poor, lazy citizens already have. It’s a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.

And don’t forget, there are the young liberals, like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who want to turn America into a shithole country like Venezuela. First of all, our oil reserve is bigger than Venezuela’s, much bigger. Second…has anybody seen her birth certificate? Where was she born? How about that Robert Mueller guy, anyone seen his birth certificate? Just curious…and fourth, liberals are all communists, and they want us all standing in line for toilet paper and vodka, and don’t you forget it!

You know why the liberals are doing this? Because they want to give everyone free stuff. It’s like on Oprah. You know I have better ratings than Oprah? I have better ratings. And I never gave away free stuff on my TV show. Better ratings than Swarzennager too. Anyway, free stuff. You get a car, and you get healthcare, and what do the rich get? They get all their tax breaks mercilessly ripped away, and that’s just not right. It’s not right, folks, it’s not right. Billionaires should not have to pay taxes, because they earned their money. Me, for example. I earned my money the day I was born into it, and I’ve been earning it ever since. And I’ve never stopped working for other billionaires like myself, good, hardworking people who only want to preserve the fortunes they earned by being born into the right family, growing up, going bankrupt going to bed with hot supermodels to Wharton, and hosting the most popular TV show that even got better ratings than Oprah, Swarzennager, and Hillary Clinton!

But don’t worry folks, there is a solution here. There’s a way I can protect you from all this pain and misery. Simply donate to my reelection campaign! You can pay online by credit card, or mail a check directly to the Kremlin. Thank you for hearing the greatest speech in history, until next year.

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V. R. Craft is the author of Stupid Humans, a science fiction book series that asks the question, “What if all the intelligent humans abandoned Earth—and we’re what’s left? She is also the author of the political satire, Fail to the Chief, in which she envisioned the presidential election as a reality show. More of a reality show….

  State of the Union Leaked Draft Obviously, this is satire. I am not using the White House microwave to eavesdrop on the president scrawling his speech in crayon.

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I recently watched season one of Amazon Prime series The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, which I found hilarious and thoroughly entertaining. I don’t watch a lot of comedies—I find the writing is better on serious shows that also happen to be funny. However, I found The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel to be the perfect blend of plot and humor. SPOILER WARNING: This review contains spoilers for season one.

As a creative person, I noticed the show, while entertaining, also offered many truths to be learned about pursuing a career in the arts. Now, the show is set in 1958, and there are obviously hundreds of things that are different about pursuing a career in show business, or other creative pursuits, today. Social media. The internet. Society. Stupid people going viral and stealing my spotlight. And not just people. I mean, a rat dragging a piece of pizza down the street can go viral but I can’t get 100 claps on Medium? Anyway….

This show revealed so many epiphanies about pursuing a creative career that are still true today. Here are 4 funny (okay, some are not so funny) epiphanies I learned about the creative life from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel: 

Lesson 1: If at first you succeed, fail, fail again. The main character, Midge, embarks on a career in comedy after her husband, a would-be comedian himself, leaves her for his secretary. She—Midge, not the secretary—gets drunk and goesto the  humble nightclub where he performed earlier to collect a pyrex dish she used to bribe the club’s manager for a good time slot. While there, she wanders up on stage and drunkenly explains her very bad evening to the audience, who finds her hilarious. Later, the nightclub’s scheduler, Suzie—one of my favorite supporting characters ever—offers to manage Midge’s comedy career. Midge has a few more good shows, then some not-so-good shows, after which she decides to quit. She later realizes she wants to keep performing.

As a writer, I want to quit pretty much all the time. I’d probably be a lot happier if I did. It occurred to me a few months ago that if I’d known just how much work there is in writing—not just the writing, but the editing, the rewriting—I probably would not have started. I’d have a lot less stress and a lot more time to sit on my ass and watch Amazon Prime, that’s for sure. Hell, I might even have time to vacuum my room twice a year instead of once. But I probably wouldn’t, because I don’t care. Anyway….

But I don’t quit. I keep failing. I try to learn something from my failures. On the show, Midge goes to comedy clubs, watches the most successful comedians, takes diligent notes. Then she tries to apply what she learns to her own writing. She figures out what works for her, what doesn’t, how long to ride the laughs, how to plan her show instead of just rambling and hoping something funny comes out.

This can be applied to other creative pursuits. I read a lot, and have always read a lot, but now I really try to notice how my favorite authors do things. How do they explain back story so seamlessly you don’t even notice, instead of just making a big infodump on page one? How do they explain a fictional world without spending three pages on the scenery? How do they disseminate a large amount of info in snappy dialogue?

When I think I figure it out, I try to do these things myself. It doesn’t always work. I’m still learning, and more importantly, still failing.

Lesson 2: The more privilege you have, the better.

This one sucks, because privilege isn’t usually something you can gain through hard work, and you can’t buy it on Amazon, either. It would be nice if pursuing a creative career was equally easy—or hard—for everyone. But that’s not how the world works. It wasn’t in 1958, and it isn’t today.

In trying to improve her act, Midge finds an ad in an entertainment magazine and hires a guy to help her. She tells him a few things about her act, and he tells her he can write five minutes of material for $15. Now, that’s a pretty cheap rate today, but back in 1958 it would have been pretty expensive.

Can everyone afford to hire a script writer, or an editor, or a cover designer, or whoever they need to help hone their craft? Can we all afford to take acting classes or singing lessons or improv classes? No. Midge lives with her decently well-off parents after her husband leaves and her father-in-law kicks her out. She seems to have some cash left over from the marriage as well, and could probably sell some of their nicer items if need be. She gets a job at the department store so she can buy a television for her room. If she wants to spend fifteen dollars on a script writer (who turns out to be a scammer), she can do so without thinking too hard about it. She can also call her husband and get $200 for bail after being arrested for swearing and flashing her boobs during a show. That shows a tremendous amount of privilege not everyone has. (Money, of course, is only one of many kinds of privilege.)

The one benefit to not having money privilege is that it somewhat protects you from lesson #3….

Lesson 3: Scammers are everywhere.

The best thing to do is ignore them, or be unable to afford them in the first place.

There is no area of show business in which you’ll fail to find grifters promising fame and fortune for a price. Midge meets one when she hires the script writer, who gives everyone the same tired jokes for “$15 for five minutes.” Hollywood is full of acting coaches, voice lessons, etc. who aren’t worth the money. There are, of course, people who are worth the money. Good luck figuring out the difference!

Unless, of course, you have no money to spend on classes in the first place. That’s a surefire way to avoid getting ripped off. It’s also a surefire way to spend all your time working five jobs, leaving you with little time to write, go to auditions, paint, or whatever.

In the publishing world, there used to be a thing called vanity presses, where you paid them to print your book. Today, thanks to the magic of Amazon—aside from Prime, I mean—you no longer need a vanity press to self-publish. Anyone can publish anything on Amazon. Now, some people take the time to learn Photoshop and make their own covers. Some edit and format their own books. These things are time-consuming and not every writer is a cover designer. Not to mention, it’s a really good idea to have at least one other person besides yourself edit your book because it’s hard to do all your own editing.

So there is a genuine need for these services. However, many vanity presses have morphed into “self-publishing services” firms that charge an exorbitant amount of money to edit, design covers, and promote self-published books. Some packages run into the thousands. Again, the way to avoid this nightmare is to either A) do a whole lot of research or B) Just be too broke to pay for any of it anyway.

If you are in the market, read reviews, inspect the company’s website thoroughly, check its ranking, do a search to see what people are saying about it on social media, etc. Also quiz friends who have purchased such services about what they paid to make sure your price is reasonable. In general, avoid spending money if at all possible.

Lesson 4: Trolls Are Everywhere

Every performer gets heckled, but Midge gets a lot of heckling from guys who think women can’t be funny. And say so. It would be nice if we could write this off as a backwards view common in the 1950’s. Sadly, it’s also a backwards view some people still have today in the 21st century. In 2007, there was even a Vanity Fair article in which Christopher Hitchens attempted to mansplain why women aren’t funny. (Apparently, we never evolved this skill because we already appeal to men, and obvs., that’s the only reason for anyone to be funny!)

Midge learns to handle hecklers with aplomb. When an audience member calls her a bitch, she puts her hands on her hips and says, “Who told you?” The audience laughs, and the heckling loser is forgotten. She’s funny, he’s not. It’s a great scene.

Of course today, it’s not just hecklers at shows. There’s the morass of social media, and the evolution of hecklers into what we call “trolls.” (Also known as “hecklers who hide behind computer screens.”) Trolls are happy to attack women, minorities, people who disagree with them politically, and pretty much anyone they don’t like because, I don’t know, it’s Tuesday. As long as you have a big following, of course—for some reason, trolls rarely seem to take offense at people who have, like, 3 followers. Could it be they’re desperate for attention? Or just jealous of anyone who’s even slightly more successful? Anyway…

If you’re going to have a creative career, you’re going to need social media, and if you manage to get a decent following, you’re going to have to deal with the trolls.

I follow a lot of my favorite writers on Twitter, including one who was accused of “ruining science fiction.” Which is pretty bizarre. I mean, it’s one thing not to like an author’s books. I’ve read or tried to read lots of books that just weren’t for me. But the idea that any one author can ruin an entire genre by writing a book you don’t like is pretty fucking ridiculous. (Of course, this particular troll was also upset because the author supports things like diversity in the genre.)

So a few days ago, the writer posted a screenshot about his ruination of an entire fiction genre, with an addendum about how he’s made a lot of money in royalties lately, and “ruining science fiction” is apparently really profitable. It is now my goal in life to ruin science fiction…okay, make it ruinier…and also ruin satire. NOW I know why I’m broke—I haven’t worked hard enough at ruining things!

Of course, if you don’t have the time or desire to personally respond to every troll, there’s another option: Just block and ignore the haters. This advice is easier to give than take. I know I shouldn’t engage with trolls, but, well, sometimes I can’t resist. If you can’t either, at least try to find a clever way to do it, instead of sinking to their level.

One last thing…

So, those are the 4 funny epiphanies I learned from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Before I conclude my review of season one (love it, you should watch it if you haven’t already), I’m going to leave you with some epiphanies I had watching the first two episodes of season 2:

My new favorite quote from any TV show ever: “My goal is money. I don’t have any and I want some.” Suzie, who speaks for me and my goals as well.

Also, I wish my parents would go to Paris, rekindle whatever romantic feelings they must have once had for each other (which I REALLY don’t want to think about), and leave me alone in their house. I’d be so much happier.

Forcing students to take four semesters of a foreign language is just a way greedy colleges make money, because after four semesters of French I still need subtitles when characters speak French. I want a refund from my university.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish watching season 2 and see what other great epiphanies I can find. Hey, the idea for my next novel would be great….

V. R. Craft is the author of Stupid Humans, a thought-provoking science fiction book series that asks the question, “What if all the intelligent humans abandoned Earth—and we’re what’s left?” Her first political satire book, Fail to the Chief, will be released soon.

  The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’s 4 Funny Epiphanies for Every Creative I recently watched season one of Amazon Prime series The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, which I found hilarious and thoroughly entertaining.

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My Writing Process, Summed Up in One Meme

My Writing Process, Summed Up in One Meme

I found this meme on Writers Write’s Facebook page the other day, and it really summed up my writing process:

  Me, right now. Technically, right now I have an idea for a new short story (that will also be part of the trilogy I want to write some day). But I’m trying to edit my stupid fucking book, and I don’t wanna. Me, trying to have an idea while writing: Idea? Brain: Crickets. Me, trying to…

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#BrutallyHonestBooks I Wish Someone Would Write

#BrutallyHonestBooks I Wish Someone Would Write

Lately I’ve been thinking about cliched plots and bad tropes in books, and this got me thinking about the plot/story ideas I don’t ever see, or don’t see nearly enough of. So I thought I’d compile a list of books I wish someone would write. Please note, if you don’t like cynicism, this is probably not the listsicle for you.

Books I wish someone would write.

#BrutallyHonestBooks I wish someone…

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So Thursday the widget guy wanted me to write an article about a movie, which his SEO stats say a lot of people search for. Target market for the movie probably can’t afford the pricey, high-end widgets the client’s company sells. But the movie’s title contains the name of the widgets they sell. I ask him if he thinks people searching that movie want to buy the movie or a widget. He says the movie but if we could just get them to the site, that’s what he wants. Okie dokey. He pays by the hour.

20 Things I Already Know About You When You Say, “I Don’t Care About Money”

So I go read about the movie. Plot: Basically kid has a widget for a heart, there are rules, one of them is don’t fall in love, he falls in love, terrible things happen, he dies at the end.

Yeah, that puts people in the mood to buy a widget, right? Most depressing fucking story ever.

I shamelessly explain that our widgets are not as fragile as this kid’s heart-widget, and if you take care of them well they should last for years.

So then I go to write about other widget related movies. Maybe I can find something a little happier? Something where people could get excited about buying something distantly related?

The Widget, 1950. Plot: Cat hates widget. Cat tries to blow up widget. Cat succeeds in blowing up self. Cat dies.

I shamelessly consider following this description with a line like, “Check out our explosively great deals on WIDGETS!” I refrain.

The Two Widgets of Hell, 2011: Dystopian story where most of humanity has succumbed to a non-specified plague (HURRAY!). A few thousand people are left. Two decide the best use of their time is to fight each other to the death. Okay, looking around me at the current state of humanity, I do totally buy that happening. “Widgets” appear to be metaphorical.

I seriously considered following this section with the line, “Don’t worry, our widgets are nothing like hell!”

Moral of the story: Buy a widget and die!

Second moral of the story: Listen to your marketing consultant.

V. R. Craft is the author of Stupid Humans, a thought-provoking science fiction book series that asks the question, “What if all the intelligent humans abandoned Earth—and we’re what’s left?” 

  Why You Should Just Listen to Your Freelancer When They Give You Advice So Thursday the widget guy wanted me to write an article about a movie, which his SEO stats say a lot of people search for.

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Hands off the #Libraries: How a Little Research Can Save You from Looking Stupid In Front of the Whole Internet

Hands off the #Libraries: How a Little Research Can Save You from Looking Stupid In Front of the Whole Internet

This weekend I had the displeasure of reading a Forbes op-ed piece suggesting that Amazon should “replace local libraries to save taxpayers money.” I was hoping it was satire, but as I read through it, I realized the author, a Forbes contributor named Panos Mourdoukoutas, was actually serious. (Or else he’s the world’s most un-funny satirist.)

#Libraries will never be replaced by Amazon.

For now…

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How to Make Money on eBay

How to Make Money on eBay

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I buy crap and resell it. I used to have a niche, but I can no longer make money in that niche, so now I buy and sell whatever I think I can resell. (Hint: It’s getting harder and harder to make money selling ANYTHING on eBay.)

How to Make Money on eBay

Making money online is not as easy as you may have heard. I go to Goodwill a lot. Occasionally I find…

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The Worst Trump Supporter Logic Yet

The Worst Trump Supporter Logic Yet

So a few weeks ago I had lunch with my Trump-loving parents who, naturally, decided to blather on about how the Chump is “making America great again.”

The conversation started with mom trying to tell me I needed a 401K. She and my dad had this brilliant idea to start me one for my birthday instead of giving me money I can use now, not when my life is over and I’m almost dead. Great idea. It’s not…

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Things I've Learned from Binge-Watching Criminal Minds on Netflix

Things I’ve Learned from Binge-Watching Criminal Minds on Netflix

Things I’ve learned from watching Criminal Minds on Netflix: If you’re a serial killer, there’s about a 99.99999% chance it’s all your parents’ fault. When an FBI agent leaves the job for any reason, they’re usually replaced with someone similar looking of the same gender and hair color. Replacing a brunette with a blonde would make the world stop turning or something. If you’re a serial killer,…

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Restaurants from the 90s That Have Gone the Way of Photomat, and Why I Don't Miss Them

Restaurants from the 90s That Have Gone the Way of Photomat, and Why I Don’t Miss Them

I came across this meme on social media today, and it brought back a whole slew of nineties restaurants I hated as a kid. So I’ll name several: Bonanza Most locations have closed but it appears a few may still be around, although some may be called “Ponderosa” or “Home Style Dining.” Supposedly the chain emerged…

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How to File Your Taxes With Snark

How to File Your Taxes With Snark

How I File My Tax Return So I’m trying to do my taxes, and TurboTax gives me this tax questionnaire. Among the list of tax questions 2017, here are some of the interesting ones…and my snarky answers that I can’t give the IRS because there’s no place on the fucking form to insert sarcasm. (But WHY NOT?) Tax Questions 2017   Did you die before filing this tax return? No, I am not filing as a ghost.…

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Can You Really Have the Perfect Yoga Body With This Overpriced Contraption?

  In the past I’ve written a lot about ads I encounter for products I view to be a ripoff. One was for the frozen yogurt robot—call now to invest in one because all the best locations are going fast! (Strangely, neither I nor any of my readers have ever actually seen one anywhere. Guess we’re not hanging out in any of the best locations, huh?) Well, recently I’ve seen some ads popping up in my…

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Vitamin Pills are NOT Treats and Other Times I Called Bullshit on Halloween

Vitamin Pills are NOT Treats and Other Times I Called Bullshit on Halloween

I remember one Halloween when I was 7 or 8, walking around the mall. My parents always took me to the stupid mall because they thought I’d get kidnapped walking around a street. Only a handful of stores had anything good. So I come up on this vitamin store and say “Trick or treat.” The guy gives me a little paper cup with a pill. “What’s this? Where’s the candy?” “Oh, that’s a vitamin pill. It’s…

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Lazy Millennial Gives Advice on How to Make Ends Meet

Lazy Millennial Gives Advice on How to Make Ends Meet

Wondering how to succeed as a Millennial? First of all, welcome to Millennialhood, you lazy, unmotivated slug. Don’t take offense, I’m also a lazy, unmotivated Millennial. At least, that’s what I hear twenty times a day, from Baby Boomers or Gen Xers. Anyway, I’m going to look up from my phone screen just long enough to give you some advice. (Just kidding, I’m typing this shit on my phone…

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How an All-Celebrity Election Season Transforms The Oscars

How an All-Celebrity Election Season Transforms The Oscars

Author’s note: Recently singer Kid Rock announced he was running for Congress, and actor/wrestler The Rock said he was going to run for president in 2020. With so many celebrities jumping into politics, I started wondering what an all-celebrity, no-politician election cycle would look like in the not-so-distant future. The Rock, Kid Rock, Chris Rock, and non-Rock Celebrities Run for Office, No…