wujico - Tumblr blog

[wujico]

I wish I was his first choice.

I wish I was anyones first choice.

[wujico]

Sh, masturbate, or sleep? That’s what’s really about…..

[wujico]

so excited to see what my scars look like in the morning lol ^___^ heres to hoodies 24/7 again

[wujico]

Sh-ing is such a lose-lose situation, I sh I feel like a failure and if I don’t sh I feel like a bigger failure. A life of failure. Fitting

[wujico]

8 months. gone. i feel really selfish lol. here comes a trauma dump/ fun story :p around two years ago, my online best friend of (at the time) three years, suddenly up and blocked me out of nowhere, with no explanation. at the time, i was between friend groups and was completely friendless irl. (they had actually helped me leave my toxic friend group, promising i would have them if i left them). welp they lied and blocked me and didn't offer an explanation 😀😀 i was alone. i cut, i attempted multiple times, and i kept wondering what i did wrong. they blocked me, so i must have hurt them is what i told myself. that entire time i blamed it on myself: "this is why i have no friends" and "i'm the reason everyone leaves me". bla bla bla. basically i had to learn to live life without anybody while dealing with mental health problems and a bunch of undiagnosed shit. flash forward i think close to seven months??? i was getting dreams about them constantly during the time they blocked me; i would imagine they would come back and explain everything and i'd wake up crying when it wasn't true. rinse and repeat. but then i met my best friend irl .... they were the best thing that happened to me. i finally started to get over my other friends- including the one who blocked me. i went to therapy, i stopped cutting for a while etc etc etc wow i am going on and on about backstory that doesn't even matter. anyway, seven months later after i was finally beginning to heal (my green blocked number texts turned from "im so sorry i hurt you" to "fuck you".) well... suddenly they unblocked me. i had the worst panic attack of my life, cut myself, went into a state where i couldnt tell if it was another dream. but.. im a people pleaser by nature. i said it was fine (it wasnt). i told them they didnt hurt me (they did) i agreed we could start over. that was back in 2022.... its been a bit now. we've met up irl (my first time flying alone whoooo). we've gotten in a qpr..things are better! and i really love them. but anyway, tonight they sent me a full ass document of what really happened when they were gone / what lead up to them cutting me off. it was.... a painful read. mostly because they went through so much trauma, pain and manipulation which i wont say here because its bad and its a lot. so thats why i feel selfish!! because even tho theyre sharing this with me, i can only think about pain i went through when they left me so suddenly. i also found out they left me because one of their new friends thought i was a bad person. they threw out all the gifts i ever got for them, they didnt even give me one text for an explanation. i thought they fucking died at first. i even found out that they were purposly distancing themself from me months before they even blocked me- all because of this new friend. they picked that friend over me... so i feel hurt. is that bad? i feel like a bad person. anyway lol i just found out after they blocked their bad friend ... they came crawling back to me. i dont know... it feels like i was just a rebound– they had nothing so they went to someone they knew would give them everything if they asked for it– me.

i just found this all out and read about all their trauma. i dont deserve to even feel upset about this but i am. im so selfish. btw for content, their friend and them blocked me and thought i was bad because "deities" from their "desired reality" (yes they were shifters) told them i was a bad person. (they even asked their pendulum about me!!! 😃😃😃)

so yeah abyway thats my trauma dump for the day since i cant talk to anyone about it

I AM SO SORRY IF YOU READ THROUGH THIS ALL

[wujico]

that feeling when the game ive played for hours with that one friend doesnt feel like "our" game anymore 🫠🫠

now its a just a game he plays with others

it doesnt feel special anymore

[wujico]

gf: jealous of my best friend

my best friend: jealous of my gf

both of them: if you dont leave the other i can't feel secure in this relationship 😃

[wujico]

we broke up.

the talk lasted at least four hours. i tried to explain my side of everything and so did they. i feel like a horrible person, but i couldn't do it anymore; i didnt want to hurt them anymore.

we decided we'd still be friends, we talked about how it would probably be easier that way, considering how i have expectations of the boyfriend im supposed to be that i havent been meeting (which hurt them and was also hurting me as we pushed each other away).

this past month sucked, but i saw it coming since the beginning of the semester. i feel horrible though. i still love them so much, but it's better this way in the long term. thats mostly what we talked about— the long term. when they move away for school we both know we can't do long distance. so we decided we were gonna try to make it work as friends now, so when they leave it won't be an abrupt breakup that could potentially tear us apart forever. at least this way we have some time to work out a new dynamic.... which makes sense.

but why does it hurt so much?

i thought id feel better, because ive been stressing over this for so long, but i feel sick to my stomach. how am i supposed to exist now? what am i supposed to do? i feel empty

what the fuck did i just do

i hate this so much. i hate that i love them but that this is the best way for us

i cant even cry because of my new meds

i hope we can make the friendship work, i guess

- ji

(02/01/2024)

[wujico]

maybe im over thinking things again, i dunno- i do that often

i'm on meds again, zoloft. i have this thing where its really hard for me to take meds. at first it was because i constantly forget– my routine and memory is fucked because of my adhd and did... so ... it got hard to keep a schedule

but after a while it started to feel good whenever i'd skip them, maybe like i was taking control back of my life. anyway, once i tried to take them again, they fucked me up pretty bad.

so now i finally bypassed the anxiety to ask for more (its been about 7 months). i really hope these help, because im sick of struggling

its day 2 now, i just feel off ?? maybe it takes a while to get used to them. i mean, besides feeling off, nothing has changed, i still feel depressed- especially at night.

anyway back to what i wanted to talk about

i was playing sky with 🍀 this evening, everything was fine. we didnt talk that much because he was leading, but i tried to say things that came to mind. maybe he just didnt see some of my messages, or maybe he didnt care, but he didnt answer some of them. i was really trying to use caps and not be dry even though i could barely formulate thoughts.... i just thought being more lively would make his experience better... who knows

but at the end he was really dry

maybe he wanted me to get off, he never really types like that if hes not in a bad mood. which okay, whatever, i was also not feeling it...

but when i went to look on discord again just a few minutes before writing this, his status has changed to "happier night" or something like that. i even sent him a message in discord, which he didnt even reply to, just pinned it for later.

so... huh

i feel stupid. of course people can make him happier than i can

but well.. you know...

am i really that unenjoyable to be around? i feel sick to my stomach. the meds are making this x100 worse but.. idk

i really am nobodys first

- ji

(01/30/2024)

[wujico]

never been diagnosed with any mania disorder ... or stuff like that...

but i keep getting these momemts throughout my life where i just... feel... weird? high? on top of everything? really good tho?

im about to break my sh streak because it just... sounds and feels good to cut- in a weird way

like im in control

usually i cry or feel numb when i sh... this is the second time its gotten this bad... but for some reason i cant say i hate it

it feels really good, too feel this good and light

feels good too make marks on my skin for a different reason than being sad

i dont know LMAO

dont try to diagnose me, this post is only a quarter of the problem/my feelings

(01 / 22 / 2024)

[wujico]

always more fragile than I let myself admit

[wujico]

i havent texted my girlfriend today. cant bring myself to do it. im going to end things soon, so that they dont have to deal with me any longer. what am i supposed to say, when theyre two stars away from grace... and im just me.

i want to hate them, so that it'll be easier once i do what i need to do. but i love them so much, more than anyone else. theyre the only one i have in my shit city.

i hope they hate me. i hope they gossip about me and its only bad things that they tell. i hope when they think of me they only feel resentment.

i hope im the villian, when they talk about what we once were. i hope when i finally end it all, they talk shit about me to their family. we have a mutal friend group... when we break up, i hope our friends hear their part of the story only.

i hope they hate me and i hope they make everyone else hate me as well. then i'll truly be alone.. but its okay. because i deserve it.

its better than them loving me, because i cant be loved, when im i like this.

i wrote this ^^^ then decided to text them. it wasnt dry per say but just... distant. they asked me if i knew about their new animal jam oc that they've be drawing (i did, because of their pfp which changed on most platforms) but i said no, cause i just want hear them talk. i love how pretty they look when talk about their interests.

but well... apparently i was the last to know. they said, "oh i thought i told you." I care, obviously, that i wasnt the first to know (jealousy issues and all that).

Maybe it would have been nice to at least have a snipet of their work when they were drawing the multiple drawings of him.

its been like that since we started dating though; their friends get first priority. their discord group is the first to get spammed. i wonder what its like, having a group of irl friends who actually like you for you... ill never know that feeling, not since my old toxic friends.

but ive gotten used to being second, im nobodys first, its whatever. but i wanna know things, even about my girlfriend. but theyre not being forced to share things like that, its just me. its who i am. i am so unlovable, i am so unapproachable.

its definitely my fault, that we cant talk about things anymore. i want to blame it on my depression. i want to blame it on my autism and need for space. i want to blame it on my uni classes that keep me at the school from 9am to 8pm most days. i want to blame it on my insomnia.

but those are exuses for how shitty of a person i am.

thats why im breaking up with them. because i cant even be enough to hear about their interests without it feeling forced. they deserve someone more, someone better. i dont love myself, but i love them, even then i dont think thats enough.

why do i have to be like this?

i just wanna be someone's first choice. just once. but nobody will ever choose me, so ill close myself off and push myself away. slowly...

not even 🍀 realizes yet. sometimes i go distant and shut off, but we're both like that. i wonder if hes noticed that i never vent anymore, or talk about anything serious. i wonder if he analyzes my discord status as a cry for help instead of a simple song lyric. i wonder if he can read past all the fake happiness through capital letters, emojis, keyboard smashes and exclamation marks.

ive been pretending ive been getting better, but thats been far from true for a while. sh doesnt even work anymore. i only wish for death now.

🍀 left me before. three times. once, it was because i was needy. the second time, i wasnt enough for even his boyfriend- he chose his boyfriend over me. the third time was the worst, but thats a story for another day.

he always apologies and says hes sorry; i say i forgive him, because i dont want him to feel guilty. he left me for a reason, its cause im an unlovable person. and i do forgive him, how could i not? when hes the person who gives me life? getting that text message that he wanted me back was literally like a dream, but i didnt and still dont understand why he would take me back. i dont think i deserve a third chance.... who knows

i forgive him. i cant be mad at anybody anymore, i cant find it in me to care. but im still hurt by it. im scared, too. im scared im gonna wake up and he'll be gone again.

im selfish, but im scared when he mentions his friends... how pathetic right? but its them who told him to leave me all those years ago.

maybe it'll be best this time though. if it happens a fourth time, he has to believe them right? i hope they make him hate me.

but ill pretend im okay for another day.

- ji

(1 / 16 / 2024)

[wujico]

tw: death, sh

today sucked.

i thought it was going to go well... it started off well- so i assumed things would run smoothly. 🍀 didnt wake up until i was already at work, so the entire morning i was doom scrolling on tikok waiting for a text from him :,) im so pathetic, aren't i?

my mind was a little quiet though, given the anxiety i had last night. i woke up expecting the worse. silence is better than hearing anything. sometimes i wanna shut out my headmates forever, if it means i dont have to think.

ill never get that pleasure though, be it the thoughts from my depression, or my mind running as a cause of the adhd... and i dont even wanna get started on the malidaptive daydreaming disorder.

i hear everything and feel everything so heavily; maybe im cursed to have my emotions turned up all the way. ive always been called a "cry baby", though i dont think ive cried in front of anyone again since that one day.

as i write this im on my break at work. my hands are shaking in the break room, from the anxiety and the cold. i think the cold just makes the anxiety worse, especially with certain headmates who are serverly triggered by snow / cold weather.

i always used to like the snow, now i feel like dying when i wake up and see the crytal flakes falling outside my window.

im waiting for a message from 🍀 right now. he replied to what i sent him but didn't say anything more and i cant help but be worried... he never tells me anything anymore... when did i become such an unproachable person?

i think ive always been that way.

my breaks over, maybe ill write more tonight.

its tonight now,

i saw an old woman today, at my work. she reminded me of my grandma who died a few years back. ever since i started working here ive gotten better at talking to people, especially to lonely old people, who just need a outlet. i can do some small talk, even though im awkward and it burns me out right afterwards. i can never rest during work because i constanly replay every conversation and nitpick every detail of what i said and how i could be better.

but anyway, she reminded me of my grandma.

i never talked much with my grandma, not seriously. and i hate myself for it. i so blatantly had a favourite grandma back then. and now the one i pushed away is the one i miss the most. she was also so kind to me, even when i hated myself.

she used to make me crochet things when i was younger, before i was even born. i have them in my baby box, little signs for my room, little toys, little stuffed animals... she loved doing that and she was really good at it. she made me an entire dollhouse, which i dont have anymore. oh how i long to play with my barbies on the fabric she carved out herself.

she used to do it all the time, make things for me, especially when she used to babysit me and my brother for weeks on end during the summer months. as i got older, things like TV started to take over our life. me and my brother would still play outside a lot, and we'd play together inside too.... but slowly playing games like uno and skippo with my grandma got less and less "cool" in a way. me and my brother would turn to our wii and the tv (to watch dantdm together) before we'd chose to play a game with her.

i remember it vividly; shed sit at our table, doing crosswords, crochet, or watching gillmore girls. sometimes shed even ask, "ji, do you wanna play a game with me?" and even then, id say no.

i regret it. hours and hours shed sit there. i mean, sometimes i would play games with her, but to a kid... dantdm and stampy are much more fun than uno.

we had this thing, when id watch those youtubers, when they started being extra loud. shed yell at me jokinly why im watching british men play a game- maybe she couldnt undertsand the appeal of minecraft at all. i would giggle, turn it down a bit, then start infordumbing about what hes doing. she'd shake her head and walk off saying she didnt understand, but i saw her smiling anyway.

we went camping all the time with her and my grandpa, park our little tent trailer next to their bigger trunk-pulled one. they had a dog at that time, a german shepherd named shadow. she was such a sweetheart, i used to love running around with her in the surroundings forests. my grandma would struggle with making her bed and other things because it was tucked in the very back of the trailer. i used to go and help her if she "rewarded me nicely", which she always did. she always got me the best snacks that my parents wouldnt let me have. camping was a treat in itself, but it was better with them.

and we'd play games, over and over and over again.

its not the same anymore. my grandpa is gonna sell the trailer, shadow is dead- and so is my grandma. the areas we used to go to i never set foot in anymore.

i dont think i properly got a chance to grieve over her; i never get a chance to grieve over anyone. life moves on immediately, at in that case it was no different.

ive never thought about it since it happend... i think it was about 5 years ago maybe more. she had a heart attack of some sort; was send in an ambulance to the hospital. i was a kid, i didnt think much of it. 'shed get better' id tell myself, because at time my other grandpa had been in and out of hospital for cancer and he seemed to be doing alright. oh how wrong i was.

im crying now, blurring the letters on my phone. the lights in my room are giving me a headache. i never thought about it again, what i saw, what i experienced. i thought i had forgotten it, but for some reason, tonight, i remember it all.

the hallways of the hospital are white with brown accents, but theres a hint of colour within the plants. it smells like a hospital usually does; sterile and stangant. i didnt really mind it that much at the time. i was with my aunt and my dad, both my grandmas children. we walked to the icu. the windows werent glass though, like they are in the movies, i couldnt see into any of the rooms until we got to my grandmas, which im still thankful for, because i know i wouldnt have liked what i saw.

when we got to my grandmas room, it was really dark. her bed was against the oppsite wall to the door. there were no windows outside. there were two chairs on the left wall. the rest of the room was filled up completely by machines and tubes and wires.

my grandma was in the middle of the bed, not moving, barely breathing. she was in a coma. she was so pale, so lifeless. i had never seen her alseep before.

i sat on the chair and listened to my aunt speak to her. i wanted to cry and beg her to wake up. but i didnt. my dad asked if i was okay, i just nodded my head. my throat was dry. i still remember how peacful she looked. but i wasnt dumb, i knew it was a sort of peaceful that couldnt mean anything good.

im so sorry grandma, that i didnt say anything to you. im sorry i didnt say i love you. im so sorry that i couldnt speak, that my words were caught in my throat again. i can never speak when it matters the most. im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry

they say coma patients are still aware of their surroundings... ill always live with the guilt of never saying goodbye.

she died a few days later. my uncle picked me up from work— from my old job at a movie theatre. i was gonna go see my grandma again. i was really dissociated that day, so its all blurry. but i remember eating popcorn. my uncle started driving me home instead of the hospital. my mom told me she died when i got home.

i hate myself for not being able to say goodbye. i hate myself for all the lost time i never spent with her. i hate myself for chosing other activites than hanging out with her. i hate myself for never being able to hold a conversation with her as i grew older. i hate myself for having a favorite and for treating her differently. i hate myself for never saying i loved her.

i couldnt cry over her, besides the initial tears. i dont know why tonight is different, why do i have to remember everything all of a sudden?

i really want to die. im six months clean from sh, but i think im going to end that tonight.

- ji

(1 / 14 / 2024)

[wujico]

first post.. wow hello void. this is a little more awkward than i thought. i know i should treat this like im writing on paper again in my little taco journal i got from my friend back in elementary, but... idk maybe its the thought that somebody might read this that puts me off. and also the fact that i just.... havent written anything in any sort of journal since i was 16 and making goodbye letters (ToT) what a life

anyway today is a saturday... well its sunday morning at 5am but im riddled with anxiety and cant sleep so :,) im trying to keep my thoughts busy. i work again tomorrow, only six hours which is usual for me, but its fucking -50⁰ where i live rn and I REALLY dont wanna force myself out of bed..... ugh

but ive been really good at never skipping work unless im throwing up all over the place so :,) speaking of that, i just got done being sick with the flu for the SECOND TIME within two months !!!!! i have a horrid immune system.. most of the time when im sick i spend hours rotting away in my bed and on the bathroom floor... these two times were no different

i genuinely was up at like 5am unable to sleep sobbing in my bed because it hurt so much !!! i gen wanted to die lmfao i hate being sick

but its whatever... at least i got to talk to 🍀 while i was high on meds and a 39.8⁰ fever... i said some funny shit but he just entertained me... i love looking back at our messsages.. he really seems to care for me.... crazy

neway yes saturday.. today.. what did i do- well i had work. i was stressing the entire day over being able to get my hw done for uni classes on time but then i just.. decided not to work on it at all. idk.. work was okay. i love working. even though its a a gross fast food restaurant with shady people coming and making a mess 24/7. all that bad cancels out when it comes to my cowokers. ive had so... so so so many people ive loved at this job. people ive loved more than i should and who have left me (WHATS NEW) BUTTT thats a story for another day

well anyway i got to see one of my besties who is always talking about her boy troubles ... i think everyone still thinks im a lesbian there since im not out to them as trans and have a gf 🙃 its kinda funny.. especially with all my male coworkers

who can just goof off and be close to me without the added stress of thinking its going to go anywhere (for the two of us).

wow this is already becoming so long shksjjsskjslk i have a feeling each post is gonna be like this... just a ramble about my life

anyway. i went home and immediately one of my headmates made himself know... his names nikki and hes... newish? hes been around since august 2023 but just recently showed himself. well we played sky together for a while, just the two of us. i sorta.. soft called out 🍀 on my discord status saying something like "chill cr w/ nikki!! anyone can join!" hoping theyd join my game LOL

well it was a call out to any one of my sky friends on disc (my new friend mochi actually ended up seeing it and we got to talk propery on sky for one of the first times... i was so happy)

i felt bad for 🍀 at first because he couldnt see mochis chat messages while we were having a whole ass conversation with 🍀 piggy on my shoulders... but they added each other a little later and i think the convo went well :)

🍀 's sky friend actually joined us as well.. i dont know her... nor do i really care that 🍀 seemed so close with her (well that was definitely a lie i told myself)

im so jealous LMFAOOOO definitely problems related to being stuck in a toxic friend group for 12 years BUT AGAIN thats a story for another day

anyway i was a bit sad at first because there are just things you cant say in a chat with your queer platonic partner when theres a random who you sort of know but have never personally talked to... so i shut off a bit... nikki tho bless him wtf was like- urging me to stop being so closed off towards sky friends sjhdksjsk especially because this person was really nice and even asked if she could tag along (which i said was fine because i cant say no to anything, no matter how hard i try)

it got better tho, when mochi joined

i really am a horrible person, because i felt i finally had equal grounds on 🍀 by being able to talk to mochi while they couldnt

curse being literally delusionally attached to 🍀 because he is my o n l y true friend !!!

i really am selfish for wanting to have all his attention. i am such a shitty human being

anyway... we went to eden (i lead everyone) and then sat and talked for a bit. being on equal ground with mochi about our interest in skz was super refreshing. its been a while since ive talked to anybody... but i recently joined the sky server and mochi and a few others dmed me

half way through i saw me and 🍀 's mutal friend come online.... ill call him 🌟 on here.... i only recently got to know him because i was online on sky alone and decided to join him.. he was doing quests by himself so i got some 1 on 1 time with him and omg hes so cool

i always have this habit of putting everyone else in an "untouchable" catergory, because everyone compared to me is just so much better. i guess i idolized 🌟 in a way because i never got to talk to him... he was only mutals to me through our sky friend group

anyway after that 1 on 1 i immediately felt so amazing and i wanted to talk to him every chance i get... so after mochi left and he hadnt joined our game (which was suprising because i was with 🍀 and the other person who are close to 🌟 and he likes them a lot better than me so i thought hed join one of them.... but he didnt) so i just went and joined his game immediately

i kinda ditched 🍀 but its whatever, i was still in a bad mood from earlier

i was kinda upset and sad all day so.... i was distant in my head and wasnt talking to anyone.. but that wore off the moment i got the chance to talk to 🍀 again

which was when my dad suprised me with mcdonalds !!! i really felt gross after eating it- and still do- but it helps sometimes. to eat that garbage.. ive always been a binge eater

where the hell even was i

yea i teleported to 🌟 to hang out with him and 🍀 warped to me... i didnt really mind because theyre both super cool and my idols but i got a dry ass greeting from 🌟 wheres as 🍀 got a enthusiastic one !! so yeah immediately i was like aight i see how it is

but 🍀 left to do a cr so i got more 1 on 1 time with 🌟 WHICH WAS SO NICE!! i feel like we are getting closer and closer everyday... anyway he was playing some music and i offered to stay and listen and it was gen so nice... i wanted to fall asleep just listening to him play hehe and after every song id complement him and we'd talk about what hed just played (if it was from a game or a movie) .... and well he seemed gen grateful for the compliments which made me fill up with pride

eventually 🍀 came back but i didnt really mind since i got my 1 on 1 time and i enjoy talking to both of them anyway

we had a nice convo going then 🌟 left

i always feel so prideful when i can make people laugh, even though it might even just be a lol or hahaha

then me and 🍀 had one on one time... which is what brings me to writing this

he mentioned he had a secret tumblr diary. this isnt the first time he mentioned it- back when we met irl he said if i could find it i could read it.... i tried to find it lol but couldnt so i just gave up

i didnt even think about it again until tonight.... i thought about trying to find it again but then i was like- yk what would be a better idea !!! make my own !!

so yeah i got the idea from him... a little secret vent diary place that i hope nobody can find (especially him, but if you do find it, im sorry LOL)

really i kinda wanna go looking for his but.... idk after making my own im just like how fucking awkward would it be for him to find mine and read it 😀😀 LIKE THAT WOULD BE SO BAD

so ive given up again

im gonna wait until he shares it with me.. idk when that'll be, but maybe when he does ill have wrote a lot on here and can share this with him as well

after all, i am kinda crazy. ill tell him every little secret about me if he asked.

i have so much to say but no brain power left. oh well

- ji

(1 / 13/ 2024)

[wujico]

okay pinned post. hello. my name is jico or just ji :) at least thats what im going by on here so if you think you know me irl.. NO YOU DO NOT!!

my pronouns are he/him exclusively thank you very much :)

i am part of a system (your local frontstuck host) so maybe my headmates might use this account sometimes... we'll all have our sign offs tho

im going to talk a lot about my daily events or memories.... basically just talk into the void. ill use this account as an outlet- my own personal diary for all the things i want to say but just... can't. so expect not to know whats going on, im treating this like the void knows every single detail of my life in perfect context.

so yeah. trigger warning for ed, sh, suicidal thoughts and tendencies... just a general lack of self love towards myself :,)

ive never had tumblr before so i hope this goes well