youreoutoftime-blog

[youreoutoftime-blog]

I Wonder

There is a guy im seeing, hes attractive and funny and smart and i really like him but hes got issues. That’s fine obviously, so do i but he confuses me. He tells me he really likes me but only shows it when hes either in a really good mood or thinks im too half asleep to notice him being sweet. Ive been through hell and back in my life, too much to share with people on here but its left me with a fear if trusting anyone. Hes a natural born fuckboy and would do good at it but hes mysterious, a dark horse if you will, and i dont know if i can trust him to not cheat on me or leave me. I dont know if my heart or head could handle that again. I dont know if hes safe for me..i hope he is. If theres a God, he will allow me to be happy just once.Ii haven’t been truly happy before in a situation where the other person was happy too. I fall in love too easy thats my problem, now im not saying im in love with this guy, but there is potential and that scares me. If i fall in love again will i get crushed once more? I think that in life like mine, there is only an up or down scenario. Ive never been graced with good luck, maybe its because i dont fear 3 drains in a row or because i step on all the cracks in the paving slabs, i dont know. Anyway im going off track. This guy tells me he doesnt want to hurt me and i believe him when he says it but only because he doesnt let his emotions show. In the beginning, he told me i was beautiful and made it seem like the stars were chosen from my eyes, i made him work for me because i refused to let my guard down, when it was down, he stopped trying, i know this is common  in boys of my age but i dont understand it entirely. Why go from trying hard to make someone love you to stopping trying point blank. I used to think that life was easy but nowadays i dont believe in life at all. Im a romantic and i know that but i crave attention, Ive never received it growing up, i dont remember the last time my mother hugged me, the last time a family member touched me in any way was when i was fighting with my sister and she kicked me in the ribs. I dont know if there is a way to combat yourself against your own mind anymore, if there is, im not worthy of it. Long story short, life is shit, i dont know if ill ever be able to fully grasp its concepts.