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Il y a une grande différence entre "et merci" et simplement "merci"

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What can I say ?

Isn't it my only option ?

Do as always like everything was okay ?

They wouldn't understand.

So I'm a liar.

A fucking liar.

I don't know when I start.

When I have to protect myself even against my closest friend.

When I lied to him when I just want some help from him...

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I'm just a fucking liar...

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I hate love.

I'm feeling so many different and contradictory feelings.

It's hurt me and exhaust me.

Because I don't know what I want and I know that I am limited at the very beginning.

And this wall I can't pass is a real burden : I would like to be like them : tactile, close, sensual without any shame towards the one I love.

But I can't.

I just can't.

And this hurt me.

Make me sad and hating myself (I'm the problem).

My best friends are together, at the beginning it was hard but now I'm okay with it. However and even seen them enjoying and happy together, they remember me what I am not and what I cannot do...

And this hurt me.

Even though I'm happy for them.

I hate love.

Why is it so complicated ??????

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I see you.

I listen you.

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School and homeworks

Homeworks and housework

Housework and family

family and friends

Friends and teanmates

Teanmates and tiredness

Tiredness and mental load

Mental load and school...

An infinite loop.

I am tired.

I want to cry, my body is telling me that I'm at the end of the rope.

My social battery is empty.

Tomorrow : I have to see some friends.

Sunday : I have to prepare my things.

Because I'm going on a school trip all week. When can I settle down?

Give me time to rest outside of time?

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So boring ...

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I know.

Finally, I know.

Some days that the idea come to my mind but I know I was right only now.

Because my mother told me about it.

Trust your instincts !

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And I can't.

I just can't.

My ego prevents me to destroy me, to demean me.

But if I can't cry. If I don't cry I'll just keep this. And one day it will explode...

I don't want to get to that point.

I want to cry. Get rid of my burden. Not being able to only makes the situation worse.

Why can't I cry damn it?

Isn't that true enough?

What I have to do ?!!?!!

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One thing :

Water on my face.

Crying.

It's all I ask for.

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I want to cry cry cry.

Why am I feeling things so strongly.

Everything was fine.

Yesterday.

I had found my motivation again.

My joy of living.

I was a little upset.

Just a little.

Because my boyfriend want us to meet up.

I was not fully okay but it's fine.

My morning was cool,

I want to work,

I ignore this strange feeling.

All was perfect.

Even my training. And it's rare.

Until she announced the teams for this weekend.

I wanted to cry. Because I'm not with my friends.

I'm with the new guys while I'm so stronger than them. The beginners. And my mate who is my level is with the best ones. I'm lonely. I'm feeling so bad.

Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why

Shit !!! Just shit.

I love volley really...

Now, I'm thinking I'm a loser because even with all my years of work behind me, some student succeed and exceed me.

But

They're just genius,

I'm not so bad.

I am... right ?

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Is it okay to not want to talk to my boyfriend?

Le matin, je suis hors connexion. Je range, je travaille, je dors.

L'après-midi, je suis avec ma famille, dehors, pas dispo.

La soirée, je terminé mes devoirs, je range, je cuisine.

Avant de dormir, je pose le tel, je lis, j'écris, je dors.

Alors comment trouver un moment pour lui parler ? Ce n'est pas quelque chose que j'ai fondamentale besoin. Pas tout les soirs. Mais plus ca va et moins j'ai dû temps à lui accorder.

Ai-je une mauvaise organisation ? Peut-être.

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Work makes me cry

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My emotions are real.

It couldn't be more real.

I was sad, tired, sick of shed myself,

And I was not hungry :

The idea of eating was disgusting me,

Saw all this food,

That usually I loved,

Was disgusting me,

I felt like I was forcing myself,

And I wanted to cry without knowing why.

So, yeah

I think it was because of my feelings.

My hunger is depending on my emotions.

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Fatiguée ?

Peut-être

Mais

Avoir froid

Avoir envie de pleurer

Rien qu'à l'idée

De voir toutes ces personnes,

D'avoir ces lumières artificielles,

D'entendre ces voix.

Je ne veux pas.

Ne puis-je avoir le choix ?

Pour une fois ?

Juste aujourd'hui

Pour me remettre d'attaque...

Ne le puis-je pas ?