axel-axolotl

[axel-axolotl]

I walk home with the reminder of you running down my thighs while I cry and I wonder - can I do this?

This torture chamber of my own design is ripping my heart from my spine and I don't think I can do this.

But I have to do this because the way it played out was all my fault and now to love you I must share you, with someone I am constantly anxious about.

I dry my tears and wipe my thighs and paint on the smile hiding my lies and I wait for this to break me.

[axel-axolotl]

Blind

I am washing away my sins, scrubbing at the skin to try and free the horrors into the world, away from me and my lonely mind where they pick at my brains, devouring them piece by piece as the days pass and nights grow numb to the sounds of my screams.

Burning away my pain sensors with scalding water that chars skin that was once soft and innocent, now rough and raw with the knowledge of people, of connection.

I take something to forget but my mind expands, offering up new memories to the horrors that are engraved into my existence, forever part of who I am.

The feelings fester inside of me and hang on the tip of my tongue, awaiting their cue to enter the stage in a violent scream of breakdown that may finally make me acknowledge my shattered life, the lonely wanderer blindly following a blank map he hopes will lead to treasure.

[axel-axolotl]

I am falling, falling, falling.

Falling down the hole once again, clutching at the edges, bringing up fistfuls of dirt, snapping my nails against the branches hidden deep within the earth, hyperventilating as I fall further than I've ever before, screaming for help, a call going ignored.

I am falling down the stairs, they never seem to end, my body breaking in every place, each thrash against the jagged rectangles bringing a new pain, I pray for it to stop, it continues anyway.

I am falling into the ocean, then sinking, sinking, sinking, getting dragged down by the call of the sea, I opened my mouth but only bubbles were released, they floated away towards safety, somewhere I could not go, for I could not see.

I was too blind to notice and now it's killing me.

[axel-axolotl]

You have stolen the last part of my soul, the one I bore to you in the hopes that finally someone could mend the cracks of my broken dreams together, my last hope that someone out there would treat me well, my hope that I am worth it, I deserve to feel good about myself.

You abused me and then left me to cope, didn't apologise to me, didn't even offer the conversation you pretended you wanted to have, just left me alone, still abusing me because you won't text me back and I want my stuff but you won't respond, do I have to show up to your place? Force you to see how that's wrong?

You unadd me and go back onto the hookup apps, like it was nothing, like it wasn't that bad, as if I didn't stop sleeping at night, have tic attacks all hours of the day, seizures throughout the night, as if you didn't break the last of my soul, pick it up so gently to admire it and then swallow it whole.

How did you put on the facade so well? Did you break it just for me? Just to show me how anyone I trust will ruin my life, tear it into pieces, make me cry. Keep me wondering how I let this happen to me again, how I didn't see the signs until it was well developed by then?

[axel-axolotl]

She said she cared.

She said she cared, she fucking lied. She hurt me over and over again, didn't think twice, I told her I didn't want her to do things, she did them anyway, I begged her to tell him, she stayed silent anyways, was so worried I was the problem I couldn't see the truth ; the manipulation, the lovebombing, god the fucking lies, sometimes I wonder why I can't sleep at night and then I see her facade crumble, fall apart, she stops contacting me; when I told her how she hurt me she stopped fucking contacting me.

So she never cared, she pretends she did, she broke me too, another to add to the list, I think she's proud of what she's done, she asked herself can he be more broken? Can he feel any more unloved?

[axel-axolotl]

Sexual validation, it's all I am good for, the words came from your mouth, there's no point denying it anymore. I told you my secrets because you said I understood, that you cared for me in a sense nobody else ever could. You made me feel like I was a worthless fuck-toy, I'm sure you love that, I'm sure it's exactly what you wanted from the stupid boy, who was a fool enough to become involved with you, so you ruined him, as you casually do.

Just as I was starting to get better, you ruined it again by ignoring me twice. I told you to stop, gave you the benefit of doubt the first time, you sounded so apologetic and then your smile appeared as you bruised my skin again, didn't care how I reacted, or what I'd said. Tho I guess I'm not surprised, you told me a part of you wouldn't want to stop, you got that right.

[axel-axolotl]

Marked.

I am marked. Intentionally at the time with hidden undertones of lies that I found out far too late and now; now I keep the reminder on my chest and the weight of guilt holds it to my body. I am marked. I am marked by someone who does not respect me, who does not see me as anything other than someone they can refuse to respect and claim and possess because why would I want anything else? Why would I want to feel equal when I am desperate to be owned? Why should I deserve to know the things that are allowed between us? Why should I know what you've told someone it directly affects? Why should I care you're disrespecting him when he's not my boyfriend?

The real question is why the fuck don't you? You say you want to have 'fun without consequences' - around here we call that cheating too. To have someone who lets you explore connections with others freely as long as you don't lie, to then violate them and me a few times and when it's finally being discussed say hey - I actually need a break I'll respond another time, it is fucking infuriating, but I can't show it, because you were never mine.

Now I question you the love has stopped, no longer constant, no longer suffocating me into not seeing your faults. Do you not respond because you know I am right? Is it because you know I won't take your bullshit answers? the truth is all mine and when you try to deflect and lie to me I bring the point right back, so you say hey - I need a break, I'll be back.

[axel-axolotl]

Broken

I set the boundaries, I tried so hard, I gave you my limits, my worsts, my scars, I told you the horror stories, your face in shock, I thought you understood how it made me feel, I guess not,

I let you know of the hard limits, the real shit I told you how not to trigger, but within two hours, you'd violated me. Left me stuck with the thoughts I push down so far, scraping them to the surface, opening them up, cutting new scars, let me rot inside my twisted mind, doing exactly as I told you would happen, trying to cope,

Memories on memories on memories flooding my head, one thing I didn't remember turns to two, then five, now ten, they infect my brain so all I know is them, I must sit with the worst things that have happened to me, because you coaxed them out of me without consent.

I gave you more chances, but something had to break, turns out it was the insomniac you were doing this to, he's finally taking a break, run away to four walls to hide, he's stopped approaching the lair, made peace and left it behind. He wishes he was never there.

[axel-axolotl]

You lied to me. I am sick of it.

I am sick of people, they always take advantage. They build you up with faux bricks into a beautiful house and then remove one and the whole thing comes tumbling down.

I am being kept in a cage for others entertainment and I cannot escape it. I keep waiting and waiting for someone to do better, someone to be good and it never ends. The good never comes, just a note they're sorry for treating me this way as if that fucking helps.

[axel-axolotl]

Happiness

I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want. I am suffocating under the guise of happiness, living with the terror of its taunts. I watch my peers through a glass window, all of them living their own lives; everyone seems so happy - are we all putting on this disguise?

How do you wake up and know what you want to do? How can someone be so sure of a future that is inherently doomed? How can I get out of bed when everything is going wrong in the world? How can I live happily when I don't feel secure in myself?

How do I tell the difference between love and control? Disgust and admiration? Soulless and soulful? Those full of wonder and whimsy and joy versus those just masquerading it as a persona, waiting to show their true voice?

How do I make all of it stop? How do I feel safe? secure? loved? What becomes the end goal when all you feel is this dread? Will it ever go away? Will it ever end?

[axel-axolotl]

The warning signs call to me, at a beach where the tide is dangerously high. I get closer and closer, inching myself towards death in an effort to feel alive. The sea air thick in my lungs like the smoke I poison myself with purposely, waiting to take effect. I want to walk into the water until my head is under and I'm floating, sinking, gone, dead.

[axel-axolotl]

Tonight is hard. I feel really alone. I feel like I am drowning, I feel like I've been overthrown.

Someone has climbed into my head and given me an idea of a life that is not mine. Built it up into an alternative reality and then left it inside.

Made me explore every cavern, every dark hall, every light switch sitting on the perfect white walls. Every day I could've had, every night that will never come, anything and everything that I could've ever dreamed of.

I fell into every stupidly wonderful thought feeling brave. But when I fell, I hit my head. I awoke with a gasp, my old reality dead.

[axel-axolotl]

Second best

It doesn't matter where I go, someone is always ahead. Someone with bright shiny eyes and hopes and dreams is always ahead of me in the race they don't even know they're in. Someone I have never met, someone with no face, someone I know really well, someone I fucking hate. It doesn't matter what the subject is, something dull and mundane, it could even be saving the world - it all makes me feel the same way.

I scream to the void to let me take first place, just once, one tiny place in something so small and insignificant it could only be my everything.

The void says no, someone else is ahead.

I am waiting my turn for first place, it'll come when I am dead.

[axel-axolotl]

Reality has reset once again,

After being stuck in the blissful ignorance of rose tinted dreams of a life I could've had, I am back.

As expected, but not as hoped.

[axel-axolotl]

I am walking the tightrope

I don’t even know when I got on

I don’t know where it began because I am too far gone

The end is not in sight

The end never comes close

I am walking the tightrope

I am losing all the energy I had to cope

[axel-axolotl]

I can still feel his hands on my body,

I can still taste the sour tang in my mouth,

I always feel like someone is touching me, like there are hands wrapped around my body,

Running down my back,

It makes me feel so sick.

I still remember the vile liquid making its way down my throat,

It's almost been 4 years and I can't forget,

Even in my minds quietest moments it still lingers,

Like the only thing my mind will allow me to define myself by,

I wonder if he thinks about me, I laugh because he's so pathetic I know he does. I wonder how often he cries about me, I think about how I am not the latest victim anymore.

[axel-axolotl]

Soulless

I stare into oblivion. I feel gross, like my skin has turned sour and is rotting; I need to peel it off my body in small strips. Add it all to a pile and watch it burn, the stench scarring my nose, making me wretch as I watch myself disintegrate. To feel the weight of my burdens be lifted with the smoke carrying my flesh, my soul becoming loose from this carcass.

I am trying to outrun myself, but I always catch up. The worst parts of me chasing the ones that just want to exist in peace. They remind me I cannot escape my fate, not without bloodshed and tears and pain. While my skin is still stuck to my bones I am locked in this war with myself and the only way to stop it is to rip at it like a piece of meat a stray has come across. Teeth baring and violent snarling as it clamps down on the corpse; biting the chunks shamelessly and messily as it feasts on the soul of a lesser being.