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helloo systems of tumblr... i made a discord server for anyone who doesnt fit in with general system servers / communities

its targeted towards oea / ramcoa survivors and c-did systems, but anyone is welcome! i want to make a kind and welcoming community that accepts people regardless of how their mental illnesses or traumas present :)

we also accommodate for disabilities including having an accessibility ping role to get an id provided to you by another server member!

also we are so normal about closed cultures. if u dislike cultural appropriation but want to use names from ur own cultures we are so normal here please

we havee several role locked chats for different topics too, and a minimal blacklist that still covers the basic triggers

ALSO we are looking for staff becausee i literally just made this server public today

pls pls join i want friends. stares at you

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If you're a "neurodivergent safe space" are you normal about people with NPD? Are you normal about systems? People with psychosis?

If you only mean adhd and autism, make yourself clear.

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had my birthday a couple days ago im officially 19 now

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small reminder to everyone who is treated poorly for standing up for themselves,

your reactions to oppression, disrespect, or discrimination are not irrational,

you are not in the wrong for standing up for yourself and setting boundaries,

you are not bad for being angry at those who hurt you,

it is not rude to set boundaries,

you do not have to forgive,

it is okay to fight, resist, and rebel,

you do not owe kindness to those who do not treat you as human,

you do not have to kiss the boots that kick you.

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last night i had a psychotic episode apparently... oops!

ended up texting everyone i knew and telling them some delusional stuff and like i would not listen if i was told otherwise

makes me consider going back on my antipsychotics but like... not really worth seeing my psychiatrist over it

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yeah exactly, you see so many articles of like "how to defeat a narcissist", "psychopath weaknesses" etc. its like these people forget that we are actual real people?? we arent any worse people than anyone else, we just think and behave differently. if you feel the need to "destroy" your "narcissistic partner" maybe just... break up? why are we saying abuse is ok if its towards people with specific disorders (or people who are perceived to have those disorders, regardless of if they genuinely do or not)

Those "how to defeat a narcissist" articles are so stupid because if people didn't have a general conscious of narcissists being Bad People, these articles would just be abuse tactics.

"How to destroy your partner." "How to break down your girlfriend's self esteem." "How to collapse your boyfriend's ego." "How to break your partner so they stop being so disrespectful, know their place, and know their own worth in comparison to yours, as an alpha gamer."

Literally sigma male podcast shit.

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i think ur misunderstanding what i meant a bit, what i mean is when people brag about it and act like feeling nothing will ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT A DOUBT mean theyre a psychopath, if that makes more sense? yes, i acknowledge that people with ASPD can have that as a symptom, but desensitization is not exclusively an ASPD symptom, and im also talking only about the people who brag about this and show no other actual symptoms of any disorder. basically people who just want to make everything edgy and cool. i think when it comes to things like that it depends a lot on motivations as well as presence or lack of other symptoms. people with ASPD can absolutely have an interest in gore, but also like... not everyone with ASPD does, and not every internet edgelord who brags about watching gore has ASPD. some of them genuinely just want to sound cool

Anyone who talks about how “edgy” they are needs to go take a bath in acid.

It makes it so hard for people to talk about their actual homicidal ideation or low empathy or low guilt or delusions or other stigmatised symptoms of mental illness.

I shouldn't have to clarify that my delusions are actual harmful, prolonged periods of distorted reality or that when I say I want to kill someone I mean that I have dark fantasies where I kill them in graphic detail.

I don't feel empathy. I don't feel guilt. Most of the time, I don't feel anything for other people. It's not quirky. It's not a joke. It's not something you can say you experience only to turn around and criticise the moment I go more in depth.

Stop trying to be cool by imitating mental illnesses. It's pathetic.

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right like how are u gonna claim im bad for not caring about ur problem, yet u demonize disorders people will have for their entire lives just because u personally find it uncomfortable...

empaths are lowkey shittier than the people theyre ableist against

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exactly. i see so many people being like "ouhhh im such a psychopath because i watch gore and feel nothing" ok that can also literally just be desensitization. or like... you know... the fact that seeing something in a video is a lot different from real life? not everything has to be made into some super ultra evil edgy bullshit by 14 year olds on discord LMFAO.

plus, as someone who genuinely does have traits that get called edgy and faked by those wannabe edgelords (eg. no empathy, homicidal thoughts, etc...) anytime i actually mention it, people think im trying to sound cool and edgy?? like no im trying to open up to u about my experience in the world??

its not cool or funny or impressive to have these symptoms, its literally just part of life for some people. watering down the meaning of those symptoms and disorders doesnt make u interesting it just makes u a loser

Anyone who talks about how “edgy” they are needs to go take a bath in acid.

It makes it so hard for people to talk about their actual homicidal ideation or low empathy or low guilt or delusions or other stigmatised symptoms of mental illness.

I shouldn't have to clarify that my delusions are actual harmful, prolonged periods of distorted reality or that when I say I want to kill someone I mean that I have dark fantasies where I kill them in graphic detail.

I don't feel empathy. I don't feel guilt. Most of the time, I don't feel anything for other people. It's not quirky. It's not a joke. It's not something you can say you experience only to turn around and criticise the moment I go more in depth.

Stop trying to be cool by imitating mental illnesses. It's pathetic.

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this exactly. i operate under the belief that actions matter more than feelings. you cant control how you feel or dont feel, but you can absolutely choose how to act

No, I don’t feel guilty about what I said.

No, I don’t feel guilty about what I did.

No, I don’t feel guilty about what happened.

But I recognize the hurt I caused.

I realize that what I did wasn’t okay.

And I am willing to apologize and try to do better.

And maybe that matters more than how I don’t feel.

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yeah, this exactly

when i mask vs when i dont mask, im still fundamentally the same person. ill still joke around and talk about my interests and stuff. the main difference is that when im masking, im acting less apathetic than i truly am. its not that im acting like a different person, its more like if someone comes to me upset ill ask them whats wrong because i know thats what im supposed to do in that moment. if im not masking, i still do act the same, but if someone comes to me upset im just gonna be like "damn. oh well." and move on. masking isnt making a WHOLE FAKE PERSONA to MANIPULATE AND CHARM... its literally just me doing the things that i feel like im supposed to do to appear normal lmao

I feel like there is a big misconception about masking in the community, especially in the younger circles.

When you look up resources on ASPD/NPD, you are mostly hit with people being like "psychopaths ARE PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE COMPLETELY ELSE but when you are with them THE MONSTER COMES OUT".

I feel like that thing subconsciously went into the minds of people with those disorders, especially if you are self-diagnosed and have to rely on resources you find on the internet and in books.

Masking is not carefully picking out a personality and then acting every time you meet another person. Of course, it could look like that, but those cases are rare and definitely never kept up consistently because it's so exhausting. Can it be fun to do on a night out where you don't plan on keeping in contact with anyone? Sure. But constantly, you just won't manage that, especially if you are more extroverted than introverted or if you have many social interactions for other reasons.

It's also not masking if you are acting different at work, around children, around your friends or around your closest people. That's completely natural, everyone does this, even people who do not have a cluster B disorder.

Masking looks more like covering up negative symptoms of your disorder. If I really don't give a shit about that persons relative dying, then I will obviously not tell them that. Masking is covering up the lack of empathy, sympathy, impulsive thoughts, violent thoughts, anything people might consider as "immoral". It's more knowing what to keep to yourself than actually making up being another person.

I feel like some people feel some sort of pressure on them to make their masking game perfect, even though it's really not that deep. You can show people who you are. You can show them your passions, what you love, what your dreams are. Maybe don't tell them if your passion is seeing people's guts falling out, but you have so many positive attributes too, you don't need to hide that. I'm not talking about masking of autistic people, just about masking in cluster B personality disorders, as I am not autistic and can't talk about that.

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my experiences with emotion.

i feel like a lot of people have a strange misconception that people with ASPD dont feel emotions, so im going to be explaining how i experience various emotions. feel free to share your experiences as well, either in comments or reblogs, i think its interesting to see how other people experience things

happiness - happiness for me is like... "i enjoy this situation" i guess?? like i wouldnt say its necessarily fun or entertainment but just a situation that i enjoy and find positive, usually not an intense feeling for me but not super dull either, intensity levels can vary ofc

sadness - more of a feeling of disappointment, i think? like "ohh that sucks" kinda?? idk i dont really ever get deeply sad, not to the point of hopelessness like some people i know do, more just a disappointment that i can quickly move on from

fear - not much of an emotion as it is activation of fight or flight, theres generally not much emotion or thought behind it, just instinct. i dont really tend to get anxious either, although i occasionally can overthink

anger - probably one of the most intense emotions i experience, its all consuming when i feel it, and physically will feel like hot ice rushing through my veins, impulsivity will also get harder to control

boredom - also one of the most intense emotions i feel, i feel bored most of the time, its like a soulcrushing lack of stimulation. like... being so understimulated that its overwhelming. usually leads to impulsive behavior because i really only feel entertained when there is risk involved

love - love is something i rarely ever feel, i can only think of 1 person in my life who i can say i love without a doubt, for me when i love someone ill find the persons presence calming and they will make me happy to be around, to the extent that ill sit around doing things i find boring just to be around the person. i also notice that when i love someone ill actually consider them a lot more in my decisions, usually im apathetic to most people and dont typically care how my choices or actions will impact people around me, but if i love someone i will go out of my way to not harm them (even if it means avoiding doing something i want to do)

hate - hate is like... caring about someone but in the opposite way of love. i generally disregard my actions impacts on others, but if i hate someone, i will try to hurt them if at all possible. theyre considered in my decisions but in the opposite way of people i love. being around people i hate will make me angry and impulsive

empathy - i dont experience emotional empathy at all, the closest thing i experience to any form of empathy is being able to determine what someone is feeling and sometimes a possible reason as to why. it doesnt mean ill care that theyre upset (in a good or bad way, as in i dont want them to be upset or find it good that theyre upset, but i also dont really feel bad that theyre upset) or even agree that the situation should be upsetting, but i can recognize that they are. depending who they are and how i feel towards them, ill either try to help or just ignore them

guilt - i also dont really experience guilt, the closest thing i can experience is regret i think?? i can acknowledge that i should not have done something because it had a consequence that i dont like, but i dont really feel bad about it, its more of "damn. whyd i do that. now i have to deal with this." instead of an actual guilty feeling. i think my lack of guilt makes it a lot harder to actually learn from my mistakes, because even when something i do has a consequence i dont like, i usually just feel mild disappointment or irritation but not strong enough to keep me from doing the same action in the future

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like i notice especially with how people describe love, i asked a friend of mine to explain how love feels for them and they said its like an all consuming feeling and theyll view the other person as better than them and stuff and i was genuienly kind of surprised? i absolutely do feel love, because i know i love my boyfriend, but for me the feeling is more like how people would describe care.

for me, if i love someone i will acknowledge them as a person more than i typically would, and ill go out of my way to avoid harming them / prevent harm to them. like... i will actually consider them in my decisions and avoid doing anything that could accidentally hurt them, i guess? also, being around someone i love will calm me down a bit, ill be less restless and angry and more happy than i usually would

does anyone relate to this explanation?? idk im curious if there are others who experience it like i do

realizing that other people experience emotions differently is so interesting, i noticed this recently while talking to a friend of mine and it was genuinely kind of shocking? i figured everyone felt things the exact same way as me and just majorly overexaggerated everything, but learning that people will use the same words to describe very different experiences is actually pretty cool

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realizing that other people experience emotions differently is so interesting, i noticed this recently while talking to a friend of mine and it was genuinely kind of shocking? i figured everyone felt things the exact same way as me and just majorly overexaggerated everything, but learning that people will use the same words to describe very different experiences is actually pretty cool

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headshotters.

- 19 yrs , any prns

- DID , schizoaffective , ASPD + more

- blog primarily for talking about my thoughts and experiences, nothing i say is meant to be taken as professional advice or pure fact

- open to messages, questions, etc.