nilouave

[nilouave]

a love letter to a lover passed-away

my blood has been running slightly drier, i need you to tell me it will be okay again. take apart the seams that interlock my soul to this eternal fire. wish away all the years of tormented self desire. take the drugs from my veins, for love is what’s required.

catching flames of bitter truths, underneath it all i feel there’s been a heavy misunderstanding to where i was before and where i left you standing. i’m reminded, it's only through the choices of her pain where we had our ending; and even through acceptance this was never of my planning.

from heaven to earth after rain it connects us here and there. 'i miss you,' whispering bitter-sweetly in the air. if i could take back the chance to ask you one thing, i would want to play with your hair — in fields of unwinded translucence i would ask when you were still alive, if you knew that i always cared. your last moments i could never see; but this haunting, sacred feeling tells me you were still thinking of me.  

they don’t prepare you to say goodbye to a lover when your youth has no side to cope. when you know what you carry through this life is that our paths were designed to cross, and through death i could see love comes with a fatal price; undying and unending aching of knowing loss, deeply like a knife.

it was early in november, and in unearthliness the pain deeply, incessantly hung. i could even hear it in the doves soaring lowly as they sung. a void of numbness resided, where hurt had no place to bare. as i was drowning the currents began to pull away; and i fell into love again..with telling you all the ways, we ran out of the time for us to share - how much i truly loved you, here and also there. 

-- there are no goodbyes for us, for you remain in my mind & heart until my time

[nilouave]

the oceans above, and heavens higher have distinguished where my heart wishes to be and what it desires. there were wishes heartfelt to my own demise, and so i realize now intentions behind despondent eyes. if it is real, then i'll stay for a while. but as i carry this burden, i'll choose to carry it lighter - there's no need to prove the thorns around my neck are tighter. if i choose to deal differently this time, if i choose not to get higher, maybe i can finally break the cycle where my pain expires; lay a current in which my skies will one day be brighter.

[nilouave]

enchanted by the vivacious attempts to undermine the complexity of your darker side, she immersed her surfeited soul into your self-fought battle; against your shadow’s tide.

streams of rigid self-doubt pour from the weakened seams, as she observed everything appears as not what was first seen. – reality never wholehearted nor ever believed.

pleading and despondent - her misty gaze stares, longing to feel the warm glimmer; the capacity to care. illuminated by the fear of time, clinging onto each moment as she waits for aurora skies, to end the somber hymns of missed calls and cries.

she searches for beginnings and what they mean, to ask a question of value - to be truly alive or stuck awake in a dream? his words so wintry, and her words, a scream, always treading waters rougher than they seem.

lukewarm security has a place to stay, it resides in all the words he only knows how to say. fragment our illusions - there's only myself to blame, it's the only way my mind makes circumstances to stay. and it never matters what the truth resolves, because you can break my heart and i still believe it is always my fault.

[nilouave]

azure and violaceous nights bring passions of wind that whisper softly against her skin, when her faltering heart calls out again for him. familiar as self harm, nothing short of self appointed sin.

and where his hurricanes drown the flowers blossoming in her tangled hair, her delicate gaze looks upon the downpours of the secrets within his iridescent stare.

and where the mind bleeds for a moment of ease, she’s left hollowed and haunted like the magnolia trees. cerise skies flood her doe eyes, she’s become only a ghost who dies to please — her porcelain skin became a canvas for bursts of colours, rosy lips brushing against his; he knows he loves her. though she feels the coldness of his past; its’ aura bleeds from his tangled grasp - he’s dying to be loved, to belong at last.

angels sigh warnings to her through silent screams, as he reaffirms the promises he doesn’t keep- seeking nothing short of insolence while she tries to love demons who come to feed on her opalescent, loveless dreams.

[nilouave]

what can i do? i want to feel something in the wake of what has been done, maybe i can say the words that could shine a little sun.

what can i do? it's all lost it's spark, does it tell you, too? my lungs are filling fast, sinking into the place where my soul is displayed. my heart has gone deaf, to the words you say.

so i lay here, in the bed i’ve made, and with the future i’ve written, begging myself just to forget it.

what can i do? our sins aren’t forgiven. it’s like all i’ve been doing is trying to get to heaven.

so what can i do? when i’ve laid out the path of heartbreak for me and for you.

i’m in a standstill of what could have been and the things that i cannot let be anymore. dull eyes burning but all i do is watch it pour.

i’m in a standstill of love and what it means, so i say that you can let the tides shift, cos i can see that the waves are suffocating. before you let me drown, before i spoke my words — it’s all i do.

maybe someday you’ll be with me but with that i cannot tell. i’m a standstill of life and hell, and i keep swearing that it’s all for you.