psilocybn - Tumblr blog

[psilocybn]

trying really hard to keep composed today but every time I lose momentum for whatever I’m doing I just start feeling violently su/icidal. I feel very worthless today but I’m trying to shake the feeling because I would like to feel better than I did last night by the end of today.

[psilocybn]

i love cleaning the house of an empty stomach, it makes me feel so productive ^^

[psilocybn]

[psilocybn]

eughh. on a related kinda but unrelated note. I love my best friend so much. my best friend knows how much I love them so I could just say it to their face tonight instead of here but idk. Im finding myself really yearning for their presence after our visit this weekend and it feels so silly to feel. I cried on and off all day yesterday about how grateful I am for our friendship. not romantic, but it feels like they are my platonic soulmate and we are just partners in life, so I miss them when we can’t be together. sometimes it’s weird how much the line between friendship and romance gets blurred between us but I know deep down its not even just me denying my romantic feelings as a cope, it really just is a very emotionally charged queerplatonic friendship. still weird as fuck, but regardless of that, I just miss my friend.

[psilocybn]

pu/rging stuff from ur friends feels kinda sad. my friend bought me a crumbl cookie this weekend and usually I can be normal enough about something like this bc I will eat a dessert in small increments over the coarse of time and just freeze whatever I don’t finish, but no. I ate a little bit of it over the weekend but then today I just came home and ate it and immediately started losing it and threw it up. it kinda felt good to do it. honestly I kinda knew even before I ate it that I was already going to throw it up after. I’ve had an emotional week and I can’t tell you why but sometimes p/urging feels like just what I needed in days like this one. I know I should stop and I don’t do it everyday but I can’t help but want to. it’s not even about the food I’m eating or like saving “unsafe” food specifically to p/urge, it’s just about the act itself.

[psilocybn]

just went to a concert with my friend and it was really good but now I’m being hit with this wave of sadness and despair and I want to self harm but I cannot because I’m in a hotel away from home and have nothing to use except a lighter, but that would still require me to randomly step outside. It is one of those nights where I’m really equating my self worth to my body. I just feel like there is judgment if I’m not as thin as possible.

[psilocybn]

Clawed Arm-hook Squid aka Black-eyed Squid (Gonatus onyx), mother with egg mass, family Gonatidae, off the coast of Costa Rica

The mantle length for this squid is about 18 cm (7.09 in).

photographs via: Schmidt Ocean Institute

[psilocybn]

I try not to smoke everyday bcuz I am avoidant of getting addicted to nicotine but I think I deserve a menthol on my car ride

[psilocybn]

I wanted to run too for 20 minutes this evening but I literally won’t have time so now I’m going insane. It’s crazy that I’m having this sort of anxiety about this because it just shows that I’ve really regressed. When I was “recovered” I still worked out and tried to watch what I ate but wasn’t so rigid about re/stricting and over exercising especially when it came to important life events that were not worth missing over my stress of working out/eating, but now I’m kinda feeling those fears again and even though I am back in this shit I really hope I don’t isolate myself from my friends like I used to over this shit. I can always res/trict and exercise again when I’m alone but I don’t get to go on trips and hangout with my friends out of town everyday. I need to calm the hell down.

completely out of sorts trying to pinpoint my focus in one direction with trying to workout but knowing I have to drive out of town tonight and I’m on a time limit and also go to walmart and walk my dogs and shower. and plan an outfit and pack a bag for my trip out of town. It’s like ok one thing at a time but then I think about everything else with the little amount of time I have and start tweaking.

[psilocybn]

completely out of sorts trying to pinpoint my focus in one direction with trying to workout but knowing I have to drive out of town tonight and I’m on a time limit and also go to walmart and walk my dogs and shower. and plan an outfit and pack a bag for my trip out of town. It’s like ok one thing at a time but then I think about everything else with the little amount of time I have and start tweaking.

[psilocybn]

most TRIGGERING images will always be yourself at a your lw out having fun and wearing whatever you wanted. humbling.

[psilocybn]

sitting in my 2007 corolla. thinking about mortality.

[psilocybn]

[psilocybn]

punk scene in my home town is crazy because all the fucking shows are just orchestrated by this one dude in a midwest emo band named jimmy. and he’s just holding up the whole fucking community. Like I have no idea what he even does for a job but he’s just THAT FUCKING GUY and is making sure we all shows to go to.

[psilocybn]

[psilocybn]

showered N clean. lingerie on. revisiting ultraviolence.

[psilocybn]

I love how 20 hr vs 24 hr fasts really are not that wildly different but there just FEELS like there’s a huge difference. one is a whole day and the other feels like a slight failure. anything under 24 hrs somehow feels like it doesn’t count.