#Process Muse

[devonellington]

Wed. July 19, 2023: Why, Yes I am Ranting Because I. Am. Done

image courtesy of Gerd Altmann via pixabay.com Wednesday, July 19, 2023 Waxing Moon Pluto, Saturn, Neptune Retrograde Foggy, a little cooler, wildfire haze, sun trying to burn through This is a ranty, burn-it-all down post, so you might want to skip it. I keep thinking we’re much closer to August than we actually are. And hey, I’m out of ink again, because of course I am. And I’m having…

[revelisms]

Original vs. rendered sketches for this Lachryma-inspired Terzo 🕺

I was looking back on these today and feeling reflective. I drew these very quickly and went in circles for at least an hour trying to clean up the linework, but I kept finding myself coming back to the messiness of the originals...there's something sort of 70s Disney about them that felt very nostalgic and comforting to me. I ended up leaving a lot of the "mistakes" in the final versions.

I look back on these fairly regularly now when I need a reminder that digital art doesn't have to be completely clean to still be an enjoyable process. Drawing these were some of the most fun I've had doing art in a while, especially experimenting more with color.

[vaguely-concerned]

My two cents on how much of Mind!Varric is Rook’s mind trying to fill the blank space and how much is Solas actively talking through a convenient blood magic paper doll of the mind: I think it's a mix of both, a truly collaborative psychosocial horrorshow if you would, but waaaay more towards the second. It feels too directed and tactical at times to be anything else. Rook's mind is willing to go along with the denial phase as far as it can fucking carry them to not have to face the grief and regret and does its part in papering over details that don’t make any sense, the way brains will strive to create coherent meaning even out of deeply confusing input, but to my understanding it's a collaborateur in how that plays out, not the instigator or control center. Solas is using it as a path to agency and to gather insight into Rook as a person unguarded as he can't count on in his own guise. (That stoic option that leads to him being like 'oh I see you're cautiously denying me access to your inner life. well. at least you still have Varric to talk to. y'know as an outlet :)'. You absolute BITCH Solas! That alone convinced me that he HAS to have an active hand in it on some level.)

My guess is that it takes considerable effort on Solas’ part to make Mind!Varric do anything more involved or complicated than seeming to sit up in bed and give casual commentary, and that’s why he keeps having eerie five minute shallow pep talks with you before he announces he conveniently needs a nap aaanyway good luck kid you got this haha. When he’s just spouting NPC lines from his bedrest, I’m ready to believe that could be Rook’s mind being allowed to improv lines for him more freely because it’s less about Solas trying to get something out of them or working an angle and more ‘Still here! Still totally alive and fine and the mentor figure you know and love and trust :) don’t even worry about it! Thankfully there is no war in Ba Sing Sei, as we all know’ upkeep work lol. Rook’s mind is allowed to set the tone of Varric, the outlines, but not always the content. 

AND, on a (beautifully fucked up) character psychology level, I feel like Solas is indulging in actually getting to be the good supportive mentor figure to Rook with one hand to assuage the guilt he feels about what he's done -- and what he's going to do -- to them with the other. Same internal logic as he uses in Trespasser about the Qun. ‘Almost everyone is going to die from the course of action I’m doggedly pursuing eventually. But at least I can make their last years happier and freer and kinder than they would have been otherwise. and that kind of makes up for it right. a little bit. doesn't it. doesn't that make it better at least. I need that to make it better)'. Did I really take your beloved mentor and friend from you if you don’t know yet that I did? Some philosophers would argue not really! So it’s probably almost ok actually. Isn’t it even a little noble that I’m taking all this grief and guilt on myself and shielding you for now. With undertones that I’m not sure he would realize himself (and might be mortified by if he did) that he is so incredibly lonely, and even a dishonest and indirect emotional connection is more than nothing when you’re that desperate. In this setup he gets idk. Both the control he craves so incredibly badly in relationships and over himself, and the scraps, the fading afterimages, of intimacy and warmth and companionship, even second hand. The one thing Solas and Rook agree on deep deep down is that they really wish Varric weren't gone. They're handshake memeing this in the saddest and most creepy way possible.

I think an important element too is that Solas needs Rook and their team to *succeed* —  up to a certain point. He needs someone to hold the two other elven mean girls off until he can get out of here. Ideally, in a perfect world, even do all the hard work of killing them so he can swoop in at the end and do his thing when both sides are exhausted and out of resources to stop him, and then Bob’s your uncle! Same logic as he was using with Corypheus, and after that worked out so well, too! King of choosing to never learn from a single solitary mistake he’s ever made even though i fully believe he could have the capacity to Fen’Harel <3 The underlying idea isn’t flawed, you see, it was just unforeseen circumstances getting in the way. This time for sure it’ll all work out the way I cleverly imagined it in my head beforehand. Cue By Talos this can’t be happening etc. in the form of a statue almost crushing him like a bug. 

So he's providing guidance and forging Rook into a leader from two angles: one Rook might not trust, and one they probably will. Shaping them into what he needs slowly and carefully. He’s helping you hone your team into their most effective state, as he might have done with his own agents back in the day, setting up his chess pieces even if he has to squint through two glimpsed realities to do it haha. Pincer maneuver of an insidious stealth mentor you never asked for. Also… at one point mind Varric gives you a whole little monologue about how Solas' problem is that he’s always seen his interpersonal connections as flaws and see where it’s landed him, all alone and the worst part? it hasn’t even worked. it’s all been for nothing he’s back where he began with nothing to show for it but his mistakes. Like...that has such strong 'uh okay happy to play your therapist from two rooms away here what the fuck kind of traumadump is this' energy to me, I’m not sure Rook like. Thinks that much about Solas as a private person. So much of Solas' self-loathing and futile insights into his own flaws seem to shine through in Mind!Varric's dialogue all the time — I just can't believe that there's no guiding hand behind it as it were. 

Most of all. I feel like people underestimate the degree to which Solas is incredibly funny. As in, he has a very consistent and recognizable sense of humour. It’s one of my very favourite things about him. We must remember — it is crucial that we always keep in mind — Orlesian accent and wig Solas from May The Dread Wolf Take You (my beloved, the explanation for why I love this dude even with the. All of the everything else. No one does it quite like him). He is not at all above doing things or adding little flourishes for his own obscure amusement, in fact that seems to me to be one of his most consistent traits. The Randy Dowager Quarterly comment Varric has? The ‘Maybe this is the Dread Wolf’s revenge. Forcing us to house sit for him’ thing? To Me this is 100% Solas amusing himself in his boring Fade jail surrounded by the screaming hellscape of all his regrets. Source: it came to me as divine revelation through pure vibes trust me bro 

If nothing else I find it much more narratively interesting personally if the connection between Rook and Solas really is that defenselessly intimate and entwined (and so unbalanced!), and the sense of violation and invasion and betrayal afterwards consequently all the more nauseatingly intense. Even if you kept him at arm’s length in the open, he’s been under your skin the whole time, looking around, gathering what he needs to destroy you, wearing the face of a friend. Regretfully, probably, but choosing to do it every step of the way anyway. (Sound familiar, Inquisitor? Solas doesn’t have that many tricks when you actually look at it, he keeps returning to old tried and true ones like a dog with a bone haha.) Maybe he even genuinely meant some of it as mercy, which only makes it so much worse. It makes his sin against his own core principles of autonomy and the freedom of all beings in mind, spirit and body so much more juicily grave if it’s something he pursues actively and consistently, rather than it half-falling into his lap as a happy accident mainly orchestrated by Rook’s own subconscious. Solas, too, is at his very lowest point, the closest to giving in and becoming his own antithesis fully that he’s ever been, and it makes the choice of whether you still reach out your hand to him one last time or not all the more impactful and difficult.

[ivoryratdoggerythethird]

dazai making up a whole language with fyodor that no one else can understand is amazing but imagine him using codes that, very objectively speaking, you could crack, it's just that no normal person would ever make the insane leaps in logic that it requires. except for someone familiar with dazai's weird thinking patterns, that is.

i just love the idea of dazai's unhinged antics being dialed up to an eleven when he was in the port mafia, and oda being the only one who simply wouldn't bat an eye at it but chuuya was the only one who would actually get it.

like imagine ango at the end of the jailbreak, his boss saying he should allow himself to sigh and lean back and maybe indulge himself, pat him on the shoulder, tell him what he pulled off reading heart rates wasn't easy and he should be proud for being able to keep up with such a plan

but ango i-drank-with-teenage-dazai-and-also-had-the-records-for-every-soukoku-mission sakaguchi can only remember the time dazai was like using greek sign language through his breathing patterns to communicate from a submarine from beneath the pacific ocean or something, and chuuya could not fathom how no one else could understand him.

and that was the day mori signed off on skk being exclusive partners because every subordinate in the room was crying tears of blood by the time chuuya finished explaining which blood pressure level was warning them about a bomb, which blinking sequence was him conveying the vault password and which series of inhales was just him calling mori a bitch.

(ango also pointedly did not want to think about how smug dazai had looked after the mission when mori confirmed skk would only be each others' partners for efficiency and to maintain everyone else's sanity

or about how when he called chuuya to tell him about dazai's prison break scheme he could only get like 3 out of 276 steps into the plan before chuuya rolled his eyes, said "got it" then hung up and pulled the whole thing off without a hitch.)

[strugglingclassicist]

my first ever attempt at pixel art! I made an ionic column because those are my favourites, here amongst ruins 🏛️

[unravelingwhy]

i wanna post this here in case i need a reminder when i'm comparing myself towards others 🥺

[mythtakens]

Eddie + looking away from Buck

[outofangband]

“the most ancient songs of the elves of which echoes are remembered still in the West, tell of the shadow shapes of walked on the hills above Cuiviénen would pass suddenly over the stars, and of the dark Rider, upon his wild horse, that pursued those that wander to take them and devour them”

I’ve been thinking about this quote a lot in general but right now I’m thinking about it in the context of the elves who never left Middle Earth

First, I absolutely love the love they have for these lands, that despite Morgoth’s encroachment upon it, despite the vile structures he raises, and the terror that creeps around them, there are the forests and hills and stars and they are beloved by these elves. There are their communities that have roots in this land and while their songs may speak of the shadows, they speak of love and hope too. I believe that love for these lands played as much of a role in the decision not to go to Valinor as any potential mistrust of the Valar.

While most tales focus on the struggle of the Noldor and their allies against Morgoth, the elves of Middle Earth have suffered under the shadow of Utumno then Angband for centuries longer.

Most of the elves taken by Morgoth at the time Angband was created were presumably Sindar elves (basing this primarily on geography; I also have so many thoughts on how this effects the culture of Angband, I went into it some on my language post but I’ll definitely write more)

The entire war is imbued with this trauma. If one goes with the version of the orcs in The Silmarillion, then the orcs who attack them are the descendants of stolen kin.

The king of the green elves was killed by Morgoth’s soldiers, forcing many of them to flee from their homes in Ossiriand to the eastern parts of Doriath. Though many flourish there, so much of their lives and customs are destroyed when Denethor is killed on Amon Ereb

Even during the period of Morgoth’s confinement by the Valar, these forces were alive in their lands. Utumno has collapsed but there is no liberation like there is at the end of the war of wrath. Any elves imprisoned under its reign either die, are brought to Angband, or escape into a hostile wild

And when black smoke rises from the Thangorodrim, the Avari, Sindar, and Silvan who see it know exactly what it means. They remember the black smoke of Utumno, they remember their kin vanishing in the night.

And they are afraid. Some scatter, some leave over the Ered Luin, some prepare to fight. But the cultural fear exists among them and in that memory there is no knowledge of a true escape or victory.

[sunlit-mess]

too many burnouts, pains, and relapses to count n yet here I am with the same damaged hand itching to just- create something

[writerformanymuses]

one of the best things I did when transitioning my writing from solely fanfic to my original novel was developing a progress system.

all the premade software and planning books were just overwhelming and did not work for me. it also did not motivate me at all. i can not do sequential writing because i will get writers block and just not write.

so with google docs, i made a color system, and oh boy, it has been so helpful. i can see at a glance what has been done, what needs doing, and what could be worked on.

this helps because depending on how many spoons i have to write, i know where i can apply my given effort for the day. some days its just proofing, some days its just starting a chapter, and some days its knocking out a whole thing.

very helpful if you're AuDHD or have chronic conditions like me!

[devonellington]

Fri. Dec. 22, 2023: Of COURSE There's Drama Going Into a Holiday Weekend (Headdesk)

image courtesy of  Gordon Johnson via pixabay.com Friday, December 22, 2023 Waxing Moon Chiron, Uranus, Jupiter, Mercury Retrograde Sunny and cold I hope you had a lovely Solstice. Yesterday ended up being far more complicated than I expected. Because heaven forbid we should just slide into the holidays with peace and joy, right? Today’s serial episode is from ANGEL HUNT: Episode 96:…

[yeahinoticed]

day 5,346 of using gideon for practise

[honey--mustard]

Do you guys think ochako held a funeral for himiko even when they didn't find her body.

Do you guys think she's read spinners book over and over again just to learn more about the girl she couldn't save.

Do you think she realized she was in love with her one day, during a dull day. She could be staring at the sun and muse about how himiko's name means 'sun child' and then thinking about her. Trying to etch every feature of her into her memory. She thinks about her beautiful smile and then boom. There's ringing in her ears as she realizes that wow she loved her. She loved her and she couldnt save her. And had to be excused from class because of course she was in love with her, ignoring the look of pity katsuki gives her as she leaves. And then mourning her all over again thinking about the love she lost.

Do you guys think that if himiko were still alive she wouldn't have gotten with Izuku. That she'd have talked with him a bit, promising to meet again so that they could catch up and then get on the train back to her apartment just to be greeted by himiko excitedly.

[myokk]

some pen drawings♥️

[cruel-hiraeth]

Every ten years, two young adults from your village are offered to the King of Curses as human sacrifices.

A pair of souls plucked at peak ripeness is all that will appease the mythic monster. Otherwise, the selection process is random—or so the elders claim; you suspect that happenstance alone isn’t why the chosen are always orphans. There’s no harm in throwing away the lives of those who have neither social status nor loved ones.

Who will mourn their loss?

Since you were a knobby-kneed child, you assumed you would have to forfeit your existence for the “greater good” (though you never believed your meager life would account for much). Whispers have followed you like a shadow for as long as you can remember.

Rumor holds that your parents abandoned you to the elements because you consumed your twin in the womb; you were born a demon, a cursed child. The only reason you walk the earth today is because a monk took mercy on a wretched babe, delivering you to an orphanage for a life of isolation and servitude.

It’s a somber morning when it occurs: inky clouds are a funerary shroud over the earth. Your breath remains steady when a procession arrives at the door of your master’s home, announcing that you bear the honor of representing the village this year. Unable to so much as gather your few belongings—what does a spirit require in death?—you leave the residence immediately, heart heavy with foreboding.

The next several weeks are a blur. You reside in a crumbling temple on the outskirts of the village where you begin the purification process—an endless cycle of fasting, meditation, and ablution. Here you meet your companion on this journey to premature death: a fellow orphan named Itadori Yuuji. To your knowledge, you have never met him before; you’re positive that you would remember him if you had.

He’s too striking to forget.

Itadori is tall and broad, his skin sun-warmed and tawny, with freckles smattering his shoulders and face. His eyes are swirling pots of honey, smoother and richer than anything you have ever seen—is the gilt nectar as luscious and sweet as they claim? The shock of hair atop his head is a coppery gold, more befitting of royalty than a poor farmhand.

But perhaps his most distinct features are the identical, crescent-shaped scars that outline his eyes. You wonder how they got there and what they mean. Are they an omen? A generational curse? A mark of death? You never muster the courage to ask him, though, as the day of your offering is upon you.

The wind whips the hem of your silk robes, the chilly air seeping into your bones, a shiver wracking your frame. You wobble to you knees before the shrine as you begin reciting the sacrificial rites—the elders standing back at a safe distance—waiting for the King of Curses to claim you. Your heart is a storm: sorrowful rain, vengeful thunder, thrilling lightning. Amidst the chaos of your thoughts, Itadori grasps your left hand, his palm dwarfing your own.

“It’s going to be okay,” he whispers.

You glance at him in your periphery; a knowing smile tugs at the corners of his lips. What makes you so sure? you want to cry out. You taste the words on your tongue as his scars crack open to display another set of eyes a bloody claret, dark tattoos unfurling across his face and limbs. He now speaks with a gravely voice, much deeper than he ever has before:

“This isn’t the end, brat—it’s merely the beginning.”

[laughhardrunfastbekindsblog]

We talk a lot about how traumatized Crosshair is, how much he has been through, what he's had to overcome, and how much our man needs ALL the TLC and hugs and comfort and therapy (and boy oh boy he does!)...

But Hunter strikes me as the kind of person who is equally traumatized and scarred for life (just in different ways) but keeps it buried deep because he's supposed to be the leader and he WILL stay strong, he is fully aware Wrecker spent months barely holding him back from careening off the edge of the cliff and so he's going to work even harder to hold himself together now because Wrecker shouldn't have borne that responsibility, he's going to be there to hug Omega when she sobs from the nightmares and comfort Crosshair when he wakes up in a cold sweat clutching at the hand that's no longer there and convince Wrecker to take a break when he starts to wheeze while walking up the path to the Archium or gets that far-off look in his eyes as he stares at the mangled breastplate hanging up in his room...

He's going to do all this, and he's going to stay acutely aware of all their struggles and will help them through all of it, and he might quietly admit to having a bad dream when Omega talks about it, but he's never, ever, EVER going to tell anyone that he quietly goes to his room to hide his panic attacks and how hard it is to let Omega out of his sight and how difficult it is for him to convince his brothers to go out and try some new hobbies because he is so afraid they're going to get hurt but he can't tell them that and how his throat still feels like it's closing up every time he looks at his siblings and notices the one who isn't there and never will be again...

And the thing is, Omega and Wrecker and Crosshair know how much Hunter is struggling, but they don't know exactly how to help him because he keeps saying he's fine, and he's going to keep saying it because he's the older brother and he's supposed to take care of them and he failed at it so many times and he's NOT going to fail now...

But they keep at it, Omega insists that they all have a "camp out" in the living room all together at least once a week (Hunter doesn't have nightmares then) and Wrecker makes Hunter come with him to try a bunch of new hobbies until Hunter's discovered six new interests and Crosshair who has finally forced himself to go to the memorial at the Archium now somehow manages to drag Hunter along with him every few days and they sit together and remember their brother (until said brother finally comes home, of course)...

And by the time Rex contacts Hunter to let him know the vault kids' families have been found and asks for help getting them all relocated to safety, Hunter watches his family gear up to go, and he realizes... not only are they okay, but he's okay, too.