#and The Bad Stims are harder to control too :(

[goblinbugthing]

im so madddddd i wanna fuck around with audacity and my new headphones BUT MY COMPUTER IS BROKEN >:((((((( blast my stupid baja life

[cryingatwindermerepeaks]

Any HC’s about Little!Mari with Autism

Autistic Little!Mari Hcs

This is honestly something I’d never thought of before but I enjoyed writing these so much! I honestly see a lot of the yjs as neurodivergent so if anyone wanted to request some other characters I’d be happy to do them too!

For context, I’m Autistic and a few of these are written from personal experiences so please be gentle when interacting with this and keep that in mind!

- Mari is pretty sensory seeking most of the time. She likes toys she can fidget with and those sensory kids books which different fabrics and feelings she can touch. Sometimes if she needs sensory input but doesn’t know how to get/ask for it, she can get quite physical - often slamming herself in to others or prodding her fingers into them.

- She love, love, loves cooking. It reminds her of her family and also how useful she felt making food in the wilderness. She loves the recipes and orders and measurements. When she’s small sometimes she struggles with cooking though becuase it’s harder to read the recipe and her coordination isn’t always the best which frustrates her a lot. She also hates getting stuff in her hands so she washes her hands in between every step of she’s having a really bad day.

- She often struggles with understanding how what she says will impact others. It’s not that she doesn’t care, she just can’t piece actions and reactions together very well. Like, yes, ‘Mel just had an accident!’ and ‘Jackie only wants to eat baby food’ Are facts, but that doesn’t make it nice to point out.

- She usually gets away from the others if she feels like she’s going to have a meltdown, because she doesn’t want them to think she’s a baby. She usually takes to Lottie or Van best when this happens because she is the most comfortable being vulnerable in-front of and they are the best at staying calm while she’s having big reactions.

- Sometimes she doesn’t understand what people are trying to say, or feels like she’s missing things everyone else seems to just Know. Which is made worse when she’s feeling small. Her reaction to this is usually just to act mean to avoid people realising she doesn’t actually know what’s going on.

- She sucks her thumb as a form of comforting and also stimming. She gets super shy about it though and only does it if none of the other littles are watching her. She’d never use a paci though- too babyish and she doesn’t like how it feels anyway.

- She doesn’t struggle with words, only sometimes she doesn’t know when not to talk. She also struggles a lot with volume control and is often too loud for the situation which can overwhelm some of the more sensitive littles.

- She has accidents some times - not often at all but it has happened - and they resulted in a complete meltdown.

- She loves the feeling of having her hair done and always asks Lottie to do it for her!!

- She has a comfort stuffie - a little tiger - which she can’t sleep without (though only a specific few know this).

- She likes to follow the ‘leaders’ (Jackie, Van, Lottie when she wants to) in games because if she’s playing a game everyone else is she knows it’s an ok and ‘cool’ game to play.

[zebulontheplanet]

People often ask me what my autism regression with Catatonia looks like and what was it like.

I’ve always known something was wrong. Before, I was working. I worked at a local fast food chain, and started having issues. I found it harder to mask, I found I was having more sensory issues, I found I was having meltdowns nearly everyday because of it. I was so confused. What was happening? I didn’t feel burnt out.

On top of that, I started having episodes that I thought were seizure activity but weren’t quite making sense. I’d freeze and not be able to move for minutes to hours. It was debilitating but not yet serious enough that and I thought maybe it was a shutdown or something like that.

I quit my job. It was becoming too much for me. I was no longer doing the right things, I was constantly overwhelmed and frustrated with myself. I could no longer work without supports, and my job wasn’t willing to give me those supports. So I quit.

After I quit, I felt like things started happening so quick. I started unmasking both willingly and unwillingly, I could no longer mask and that itself was overwhelming. I started losing skills. I was no longer able to bathe myself without intense prompting, and I was no longer independent with my IADLs and needed constant care and help. Not to mention my physical health started to decline. I started having more and more of those episodes of freezing, but just sorta shrugged it off.

Over time, my masking became basically nonexistent, I was stimming ALL. THE. TIME. Just to keep myself regulated. My sensory issues were out of control. I was no longer low support needs and started self isolating and felt severely depressed.

My freezing episodes started to get better, but I still needed prompting for basically everything, which was frustrating. I was no longer a person I recognized and it was bad. As time went on, my freezing episodes got worse again, and I started losing all skills you could think of. I struggled to do everything. My speech started declining more, and I started using AAC. Which was a newfound struggle.

I’m now slowly getting better, but I got a name for my freezing episodes now. Catatonia. Diagnosed by a professional who knew exactly what was going on. I’m everyday now trying to gain back the skills I lost and be more independent, but things are slow, and I will probably continue to lose skills just to try and gain them back again and repeat. Things are complicated, and this post doesn’t even say everything I went through and everything I want to say. This is just a baseline.

I’m working on getting better, but with continued regression it’s hard. It’s hard to do things when you need constant care and help. But I’m working everyday, and that’s what matters to me.

[bwbawa]

hello, so I'm questioning if I'm autistic so i can reach out for a diagnosis maybe, and i saw another person do this so i wanted to try it out

i wrote a list of some of the things i think that are autistic traits about me and if anyone would like to please read them and tell me if they could be autism or maybe smth else? lol, just as a big favour really. I'll give more context if any is needed, thanks so much!!

also please reblog for reach if you want to, thank you

ts bellow the cut :]

- stimming ( twirling and braiding hair, used to suck on my own hair as a kid, rocking back and forth, doing ??? weird stuff with ny mouth and fingers lol, moving legs a lot)

- echolalia; internal, repeating phrases and songs on my head, but also doing sounds with my mouth

- always feeling like an outsider. This wasn't bad for me as a kid since i was very into creepypastas and media related to being an outcast, i never related it to something bad until adolescence which im still in, and I'm more insecure now about it.

- also, very extroverted as a kid, didn't get social cues and was offensive sometimes

- couldn't and still can't control my strength very well ( sometimes things fall out of my hands or i touch someone harder than i wanted to)

- sensitive skin, to heat cold and pain

- very talkative, as a baby was LITERALLY born babbling

- not good at eye contact, either do way too much or way too little

- terrible at maths (jst not logical to me??? dk how people find them logical )

- kinda restrictive interests but no special interests

- very picky as a child, fav foods were salted noodles with ketchup or by themselves. ( still can't stand some foods and mixing some foods together )

- horrible coordination and balance: didn't learn to tie my shoes correctly, how to ride a bike or how to swim, i bought wheelies and cant use them because my balance is horrible, i run weird (like a baby kind of) and I'm always stumbling on my own feet

- again, didn't learn some stuff until grown: didn't know how to shower correctly or make my bed ( could be due to being very taken care of as a kid, aka my mom didn't let me do stuff by myself )

- terrible spacial awareness: again, stumbling with my own feet, waddling like a penguin when i walk with my friends lol

- bad perception of time

- got upset when things didn't go my way

- ran away when kids were being too loud but didn't mind big performances loud spaces

loud THUDS or sudden noises however startle me, scare me and stress me out: was and still am kind of afraid of balloons, shouting people and loud thuds. As a baby i cried when someone spoke too loudly

- lately I'm much more sensitive to stimuli than i was, could be due to heightened stress in my life: badly done beds make me want to cry, crumbs on the bed feel like hell, heat and sweating are hell, some months ago i cried because my sunglasses and headphones weren't working and there were too many sounds, my head it hurted and everything felt wrong, sent me into a kind of crisis.

- don't think I'm overly empathetic, but i have a strong sense of justice and get very upset and ill about injustices.

related to that, movies and shows that require a lot of stress i don't like, they make me feel ill and i prefer spoilers when it's like that, i get too nervous.

- socially awkward and don't know how to keep conversations going, at least small talk.

- although i used to talk a lot, nowadays i prefer to stay quiet sometimes.

- i get VERY angry and frustrated but it goes away kind of quickly?

-i used to be very loud and I still dont know how to control my tone of voice ( how loud or quiet i am) and i spoke in a very high pitched voice as a child

- i used to read a lot, went to the library in the recess instead of hanging out all the time with kids and used some complicated words that my parents didn't know i knew

- all my life i only had one close friend ( not the same, but always one)

- i think i had a specific routine of morning

- i have a hard time concentrating and being organized

- i make plans for myself in the night and get upset when OTHERS interrupt it but not when i do

- hard time knowing when to pee and when to eat

- again sensory issues, some foods make me want to puke, and wet, sticky or extremely dry hands are disgusting. Also, light touches feel like anger.

- as a kid I repeatedly watched stuff, ended up boring my family because i only wanted to watch that multiple times

- sensory seeker as a kid kind of, slept with my feet up, danced a lot (stimming?)

-i get irritated easily and can hurt people verbally

- don't know if related but i sometimes very anxious, get upset about not saying goodbye correctly to certain people, as a kid i used to cry and didnt want to go to school because of a "bad feeling" that smth bad was gonna happen, could be anxiety.

i absolutely sure there's more, but I don't wanna keep typing

just to finish, most of my circle is neurodivergent. And family wise, my sister is audhd, one cousin and uncle are autistic, my mom has adhd and two of my cousins are suspected autistic.

[wheneverfeasible]

WIP Word Game

Rules: you will be given a word. share one sentence/excerpt from your wip(s) that start with each letter of that word.

I’ve technically already did one of these, but these are fun and I’ve got some new wips and this is a new word so let’s do it again! I was tagged by lovely @sleepy-steve and got the word PLEA. (And I’m sooo looking forward to yours, dearest.)

P

Previously, he might have left his chest bare for it, but his scaring was a little too intensive for that nowadays. It was bad enough the ones on his neck and jaw and cheek were visible no matter what.

L

Long dark hair, curly but obviously not taken care of properly, dark clothes including a leather jacket and a lighter blue denim vest, and such an air of nonchalance that Steve felt almost awkward beside them. Now that Steve was properly looking at them though, Steve realized exactly who it was he had mistakenly sat next to: Eddie “The Freak” Munson.

E

Eddie blinked at the completely waterlogged figure standing on the front steps of the Munson trailer, the younger boy looking more akin to a wet dog than was typical as his normally bouffant hair was all but plastered to his skull under the pouring rain. Without wind, the thick droplets were coming down in a heavy sheet, nearly obscuring the sight of Harrington’s fancy car parked behind him in the dark. The weak light from the bulb next to the door cast Harrington in a waxy hue, though it easily picked up the way the guy was shivering as he wrapped his arms around himself.

A

Amidst his near guttural screaming and yell-singing, there’s a story to his lyrics that speak of expectations unmet, of society’s iron control, of being knocked down again and again and again but getting back up every single time. Of feeling like your entire world is closing in on you and you’re choking on the fetid rot of self as you’re ground up in the machine of conformity that breaks every ounce of individuality in a person. Of never feeling good enough, but instead of wallowing in despair, it makes you angry.

I used a different WIP per letter for this one, and made certain they weren’t from the ones I used last time. Finding something for P was harder than expected 😩

Passing this along again with the word…STIM.

Hostage tags: @derythcorvinus @katyawriteswhump

No pressure tags: @steddiecameraroll @sageclipse @blushweddinggowns @kikidoesfanfic @runraerun

[aetherarf]

Request From Anonymous:

Autistic!Reader that doesn't really know they're autistic yet so Childe shows them like his favorite stims and encouraging them to stim whenever he sees them getting excited over something and encouraging their info dumps?

Here you go!

[Word Count: 809 ]

"Hey! I got something fun."

This wasn't an uncommon thing for Childe to say, coming home and showing you objects that didn't seem to have a defined purpose, but were designed like they did have one- one was a bracelet with a few beads on it, and when turned, it would change shape, appearing differently, but still intricate no matter how it was fashioned.

He liked the delicate clicking noises it made, not too overwhelming, but just enough that he could control it. You could see how he smiled- calmed, at least a little.

"Where do you even find these things?" You asked, enamored with the bracelet.

"Just- a friend who makes special things. They make a lot of stuff like this- it's good for empty hands. I shipped a few back home... I'm unsure if all my siblings will like it, but I think Teucer will. He's the most like me, and usually likes things I do." He explained, still toying with one of the bracelets.

It was an enchanting sight, but-

"Do you ever feel silly, playing with toys?" You asked, and Childe paused, looking at you curiously,

"I mean, should I?" he asked. "It... well, it's nice. It helps... I don't know how to describe it. it's like- I have my consciousness, you know, the bit that makes decisions, then my subconscious, that looks out for things when my consciousness is busy. But, sometimes, my subconsciousness gets... bored. And then it bugs my consciousness to find something to do- Having things like this to do keeps my subconscious happy, so my consciousness can still get things done."

He paused and laughed... maybe a little nervous. "It's weird, yeah. But isn't everyone a little weird?"

"Maybe." You paused, "I'm not sure if I feel exactly the same... but I do get it. Like I need something to do with my hands, and... when I do, it feels nice."

"Do you have any toys like this?" He asked,

"No, I don't... I guess I never thought about it."

"Wait, really?"

"I thought that's just how people were," You explained, "That we had to deal with stuff like that."

"... Well," Childe paused, "Most people aren't like that. But that's not a bad thing! Here, you saw what I did with the bracelet. Try it yourself." He said, handing it over.

You paused, "I don't want to break it."

"Don't worry about that. Even if you did, I could go get another one made. Just try it." He asked, excitedly watching as, with an unsure grip, began to adjust the bracelet, feeling it move in your hands, twist around as it seemed, almost like magic, to make new shapes.

You kept at it, finding new shapes repeatedly, and by the time you looked back at Childe, he was sitting at the table nearby, watching you, his arms folded over the table as he rested his head on them, a fond smile on his face.

"Feels nice, huh?"

"I'm sorry, I got distracted-"

"No sorry's, you didn't do anything," He insisted, jumping up, "But it felt great didn't it? I only see you that happy when you see something new for your hobbies!"

"But-"

"Did you like it? Serious question." Childe insisted,

"Yeah... it felt nice."

"Okay, that's it. No more ifs or buts. You're happy. I don't see you that happy- you always seem... a little miserable, if I'm honest."

"I... I get a little excitable when I'm happy."

Childe... frowned. "Yeah? And... what's wrong with that?"

"People tend to get... weirded out, when I'm excited."

"And?" Childe asked, "Okay, maybe in public it's a little harder to deal with... but it's just you and me. Is that why you clam up whenever I ask about your hobbies?"

You pause, and he sighs, slightly exasperated, "Here, keep the bracelet- actually, no, tell me your favorite colors. I'll get one commissioned just for you."

"You don't have to do that-"

"Let me, then," Childe said fondly, "I want to. I can get matching ones." He insisted again, "Now... Should we get food, and this time, no hiding your excitement, and you can tell me what you've wanted to tell me?"

"... Are you sure you wouldn't mind? I get kind of loud and jumpy..."

"I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure," He pinches your cheek, and puckers out his lips a little, "My wittle silly-"

You laugh, pushing him away, "Stop with that voice," Despite the words, you were smiling. He was, too.

"Come on- We can get your favorite- And we can make sure to get the texture right this time. Weird, how it varies, huh?"

"... Yeah, it is."

...

But it was a little freeing, seeing how little he minded things that were so commonly seen as childish.

... Funny. His code-name, nickname, whatever it was called, kind of fit that idea...

[thetisming]

was talking about this with my cool and awesome beloved friend Monty and i think yall deserve to hear it too so:

if Frankie was one of those part-dog people (anthro dog or like Evan from ni no kuni but a dog) and had a tail it would start wagging whenever May kisses him and hes super embarrassed about it at first but May thinks it's seriously the cutest thing ever. and basically heres my thoughts about it

-Lance is an anthro dog person, like how Evan's dad was a grimalkin and that's why hes part dog just like why Evan was part cat. his mum is still whatever ethnicity the Frankie youre thinking of is (i'll be saying Saanvika cause. Yash) and dog Lance is still french

-he has dog ears as well that prick up sometimes

-his tail wags when he gets excited, he cant control it easily but he learned to when he was a teenager (had the same effect as masking + like masking, was harder at certain times and he sometimes failed. also he was masking autism at this time which made things even worse)

-when hes really excited it's a lot harder to mask, and he manages to for a while with May (they obviously know about the tail but not about a lot of stuff with it) but the first time they kiss his hand his tail wags because it's just so cute and romantic to him

-hes so embarrassed about it. he apolagises over and over again and is pretty clearly blushing

-May however thinks it's ADORABLE. like they cant stop giggling over it cause he's just so cute and in the middle of his rambling about it they kiss him again and his tail just wags more even if hes trying to not

-he still tries to hide it after that but after hearing how cute May finds it he tries to work on not, hes also working on not masking autism at the same time. it's hard but he's trying his best

-the fur is soft. not always because growing up he was even more embarrassed about it so he didn't brush it as much, but before Saanvika died she would brush his fur when she was brushing his hair, but now that hes an adult hes taking better care of it (he didn't let it get too bad as a kid though), and May lovesss brushing his tail and ears (hes also a bit hairier than the average person, so his body hair also needs to be brushed). they do it when theyre cuddling or just if hes lying down theyll do it just to have something to do

-May also washes his fur so that it stays soft, and he loves that so much. they normally wash his hair at the same time and he just gets very giggly about it

-since hes obviously still part human + Lance is anthro (i assume that in this universe that's pretty normal, again much like in Ni No Kuni) hes not super dog like, but he does exhibit certain dog traits, although less than the average dog-person since hes half dog

-May genuinely thinks the tail thing is so cute. like they squealed the first time it happened, and they also love that it means hes happy because him being happy makes them happy too

-he also stims still, so he'll be flapping his hands and wagging his tail at the same time

-when hes nervous/shy/scared his tail goes between his legs

-he makes dog noises! for instance growling, barking and whimpering, and he doesnt do it much but for instance if someone seems like theyre going to hurt his friends, family or May he will growl, and whimpering when he wants attention, and barking when hes excited or scared

-sometimes he gets questions about what he thinks of furries because 'well arent they humans pretending to be animals?' and he thinks it's dumb because a lot of furries are also anthro animals and most anthro animals have no problems with it. he is very sick of this question, especially because they tend to come from humans who are just ableist and anti-furry

-adding onto that, Fletcher asked him about dog stuff when he was designing his fursona and he had a lot of fun. these are the kinds of furry questions he actually wants cause he loved helping Fifi

-he has slightly sharper teeth than the average human, but less sharp than the average dog. he likes this a lot

-although being anthro is pretty normal, theres some places where it's not and May is completely ready to punch someone for Frankie. so are Juliet and Romeo and everyone basically

this was pretty fun lol i might do more :)

[osokasstuff]

30 days of autism acceptance — april 6th

[PT: 30 days of autism acceptance — april 6th]

prompt: talk about miscommunication. as autistic people communicating is something that is harder for us than neurotypical people, in what ways is communicating generally hard for you? talk about how being autistic has led to an instance of miscommunication in the past. talk about social blunders that you've made due to autism. perhaps a situation where you misinterpreted something or where you said the wrong/insensitive thing.

my speech is unreliable (in apraxia sense). i have childhood apraxia of speech. that was main reason why i got speech therapy when i was child. i may pronounce words weirdly and/or wrongly, i may say something completely different from what i do. sometimes i say "yes" when mean "no", for example. it causes a lot of miscommunications because i literally say not what i think. and i don't always notice it.

it's also difficult to pick words and put them together. it's difficult to express what i think by words. if i don't put a lot of efforts in thinking and wording, i often end up saying not what i meant to or express the idea incompletely.

there were moments when i accidentally said something insensitive or rude because i worded my idea poorly. i get extremely upset at these moments because That's Not What I Meant.

i use some words with very specific meaning. people who don't know me may not know about these connotations and often understand me differently.

i don't know/don't remember connotations of some words. like they bring some kind of implication i'm unaware about. my fiancee says some of my compliments would be dubious if he didn't know i mean exactly what i say and nothing more.

two things above make some of my commentaries come across as rude, because i mean something different than people imply (because of my personal connotation of the word or because i'm unaware about implication/connotation/association that something brings).

people often interrupt me because i make long pauses while talking. they think i've finished but i very much not. the worst cases were when i started to explain my though, people interrupted me with "i got what you mean" and started argue with what they though was my opinion. but they got everything completely wrong because haven't listened my whole opinion. and when i stepped in and said "that's not what i mean," they listened like 1-2 sentences AND DID IT AGAIN. [PT: and did it again].

i have difficulties with controlling my tone. it can sound negative or emotionless when i don't want it.

i have difficulties with facial expressions, too. they're smaller than regular and may look differently. i can't control facial expressions well. my face may look angry or sad when i'm not. it may also stay flat when i experience emotions. for people who don't know me my face is flat almost always because they don't recognize my small facial expressions. also i smile when uncomfortable and have urges to laugh when stressed. for example, when someone shares something traumatizing from their past, i may have urge to laugh not because it's funny but because i'm stressed. or when someone shares bad news. or something bad happens. i can smile or laugh. sometimes i can suppress this laugh/smile, sometimes can kinda cover it, but sometimes not. so i have to explain people that it's my stress reaction.

my body language is ehhh. it's impossible to separate it from stimming.

for strangers, i look cold, distant, absent, and/or intimidating. people often think that i'm arrogant and dislike them before we communicate. people are often afraid of me. they were scared even when i was 2 yo.

i'm afraid of people, especially strangers. i don't know how to communicate with them. i usually communicate only with people who i know. my fiancee helps me to communicate with strangers and advocate for me.

[lionheartslowstart]

Meltdown on an Airplane

As the title suggests, I had a meltdown on an airplane a few days ago. I was returning home from vacation, and the plane was still sitting at the gate. Which, despite everything, I'm actually pretty thankful for, as I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if we were in the air or taxiing.

It started when we realized there was a problem with our seats. I had been sure to pre-book the seats, as I always do because I need an aisle seat. However, for some reason, "Thomas'" seat had been switched at the last minute to be way at the back of the plane. I have no idea why. So of course, I started to panic. As I've gotten older, I have become more anxious while flying, especially with all the Boeing drama (and yes, unfortunately we were on a Boeing both ways of the trip). Take offs and landings make me very nervous. I CAN fly by myself, but I always prefer not to do so. On top of that, I suffered a foot injury earlier that week (I had tripped over some uneven pavement because I'm a clumsy b*tch), and I felt much more comfortable being near Thomas, just in case, since I needed crutches, walked with a limp, and had a boot on my foot.

I asked Thomas if he would ask whomever was supposed to sit there to switch with him, because I became too upset and anxious to ask them myself. I figured maybe it wouldn't be a problem, since they were both middle seats. Nevertheless, my anxiety increased and I began to cry silently and attempt to regulate by rocking back and forth, one of my biggest self-soothing stims. On top of the emotional overwhelm, the plane was playing music pretty loudly through the speakers, God knows why, adding physical distress to my emotional distress.

Then, a baby started screaming, which of course made everything worse. I started crying harder, though still silently, and started muttering to myself that it wasn't the baby's fault and to "please stop crying please stop crying."

THEN, the guy who was supposed to be seated in Thomas' seat came over and Thomas began explaining to him that there had been a mix-up and that I'm disabled and would he please consider swapping seats. The guy, audibly disgruntled, (I was still hunched over trying not to be too disruptive so I couldn't see him,) said he was going to get a flight attendant to see if we could figure something out.

It was at this point that someone's f*cking luggage fell out of the overhead been and hit me on the shoulder. Sure, it hurt, but not terribly because I have a high pain tolerance. But the extreme shock of suddenly being struct bluntly was the straw that broke the camel's back, and the meltdown erupted out of me before I could make any more attempts to wrest control.

Whatever you picture in your head when you imagine an autistic meltdown, that's what happened. I was screaming, sobbing, rocking furiously, yanking my hair by the roots, trying not to hit myself...I mean it was bad. And the thing is, I've had meltdowns in public before, but never one so absolutely untamed. As a high-masking autistic, I have (unfortunately) developed some skills to hide a meltdown when it happens, at least until I can get somewhere where I'm alone, or with one of the very few people I consider safe to have a meltdown in front of. (My parents, my brother, and my partner.)

But this? I can't remember the last time I had a public meltdown like this as an adult. Maybe never.

And of course, despite the all-consuming nature of a meltdown, there's also the dread looming way in the back of my mind, that I KNOW people are staring, and, most likely, judging.

As I sobbed and rocked, I heard the murmurs, and I felt so many eyes on me. Based on the few words I could pick out, I knew they assumed my outburst was because I had been hurt badly. I tried to ignore the shame and humiliation I felt creeping in. It was only adding to the distress, and there was nothing I could do about it. People will always stare, always assume, and always judge.

A flight attendant quickly came over to assess the situation. When this all went down, I felt like she maybe had good intentions, but upon retelling this story to my family, I have since realized that no, she really only had the airline's best interest at heart, and probably didn't give two sh*ts about me. But what are you gonna do? So she asks me to explain what happened, but I'm in the middle of a verbal shutdown, so I can't really answer. I look at Thomas helplessly, and bless him, he does not do well under pressure, so he immediately started raising his voice at her to "back off and give me space." So of course, I'm thinking, well f*ck I guess I better force myself to speak because I'm really not trying to get kicked off this flight and/or cause myself more embarrassment, so I started attempting to explain. I say "attempting" because, as I was mid-verbal shutdown, I was struggling immensely to even find my words, and once I did find a few, my words came out very stilted, and I was stammering. I somehow managed to squeeze out the important bullet points: that I'm autistic, I'm having a meltdown, and I just need space to calm down.

So then of course she starts peppering me with questions, despite the fact that I just said I needed space. She's trying to figure out what happened, was I hurt, do I know what fell on me, etc. This caused me to start clapping, something I do when I'm mid-verbal shutdown but still being forced to communicate, especially if I'm also being forced to talk over someone, and/or I'm already dealing with a meltdown and more stimuli is thrown my way. Through the clapping, I again tried to explain - I'm physically fine, I'm having an autistic meltdown. She asked me if I needed anything. (Insert epic eyeroll.) I couldn't answer, but shook my head as she listed off things she might be able to bring me. I just wanted her to leave. When she asked if I needed water, it occurred to me both that it would get her to leave, and also that yes, I probably did need some water. After she walked away, I leaned into Thomas and buried my face in his shoulder. I could still feel the stares.

The flight attendant came back later with the water, and then mentioned the issue with the seats. She asked if I'd be willing to switch with the person who was seated next to Thomas' assigned seat and we could sit where Thomas was originally supposed to be seated instead of the other guy switching. I explained that I wouldn't have a problem with that but I still needed an aisle seat because the tight squeeze of a window seat can exacerbate my sensory issues. She said she understood and went off to see if we could find a situation. When she came back, she said that it all worked out because the two gentlemen who were meant to be sat with each other in Thomas' seat and the window seat were able to find other seats so we would actually have an empty seat next to us. (I assume they were bumped to first class for their troubles, but I have no proof of that.) She asked if I was feeling better and then started talking to THOMAS, not me, about whether or not she should file a report.

I've found that, when someone finds out I'm autistic, they either don't believe me, or they start talking to whomever I happen to be with instead, as if I can't speak for myself. It's ableist, obviously, and extremely frustrating. She also came back while I was in the bathroom to talk to Thomas, who, of course, told her that she should wait until I came back from the bathroom and then ask me, since I'm the person to whom it happened. Later, she did come back and ask me again. I smiled, understanding she's doing her due diligence so I don't sue the airline, and promised her that, no, she didn't have to report it and I was really fine. It was clear to me that she was fixated on the possibility of injury, and that she didn't really understand the autistic aspect. As I said, my reflection of this incident over the last few days has brought me to the conclusion that this woman, despite her shallow warmth, probably didn't give a hog's a** about me.

But the worst part of all of this is that two days ago, Thomas revealed to me that he had witnessed an older woman in front of us texting someone about the event. She had written something along the lines of, "Some crazy b*tch just threw an absolute tantrum on the plane like some whackadoodle. I hope they escort her off the plane in handcuffs and give her a cookie."

Now, I grew very upset at this and explained to Thomas that this wasn't something he should have told me. I understand why he did though, as we have very open and honest communication in our relationship. I'm sure he thought I'd want to know. I explained that it would be different if he had stood up for me, if he had said something to her, called her out for being ableist, then I would have been fine hearing about it. But because he did nothing, it's just not something I wanted to, or really, needed to hear. I know people are ableist. I know people make comments. I know people judge me when the mask falls off. I don't need to hear specific examples of something of which I'm already so painfully aware, especially when there is no resolution, and most likely never will be. Thomas apologized profusely, saying he would never make that mistake again, and that he never wants to say something that upsets me.

For the record, as hurt as I am that Thomas didn't stand up for me, I can't be angry at him for it. We were on an airplane, and he was afraid we'd be kicked off, or worse. The woman in question didn't say anything out loud, so there were no witnesses to her comments. She could have easily deleted the text and claimed Thomas had started a conflict with her for no reason. While I know I would have handled that situation differently if the roles were reversed, I also know that Thomas probably did the right thing in not starting an argument. I will be the first to admit that my tinderbox temper does not always result in the most productive outcomes.

Like I said, I know people are ableist, judgmental, and cruel. I know that. And I know I shouldn't care. But I do. And I hate that I do. I don't understand why anyone thinks people just claim to be or pretend to be autistic for attention. It's not attention I want. Being autistic in an allistic world is HARD. There are so many harmful stereotypes and misconceptions out there, and people can be truly awful, both intentionally and unintentionally. I walk around with this monkey on my back, constantly aware of what people might think, or in some cases, what I know they do think. My childhood trauma made damn sure of that. I so wish I could just be myself without fear, comment, or disdain. Yes, when I experience sensory overload, but also in the way I communicate, the way I perceive the world, when I rant about my special interests at length, my difficulties in social settings, all of it. I just want to be myself and not feel like I'm being punished simply for having a brain that works differently. And unfortunately, I'm probably going to remember what that horrible woman texted about me for a long time.

I posted a video describing this event, and someone left a comment that has stayed with me. Not because it bothers me, or because it hurts my feelings, no. It's stayed with me because I'm certain that this specific sentiment is shared by so many other people, and I find it quite interesting.

"Those people were just trying to travel."

My very first response to that was, well, I was just trying to travel. They didn't need to hear me screaming and sobbing? Okay, well I didn't need the airline to switch my boyfriend's seat. I didn't need the plane to be playing bad music for 30 minutes. I didn't need a baby to start shrieking just a few aisles down from me. And I definitely didn't need a heavy object to fall on top of me.

So...why does that statement not apply to me? Why don't people care about my flight experience being ruined? Why am I not extended the same empathy?

The answer is simple. Autistics are not seen as human beings. Or, at the very least, we are seen as lesser human beings. Our comfort, our safety, both physical and emotional, and our well-being, are just not held to the same standard, to the same importance, as those of allistics. They don't care about us. Worse, they actively dislike us.

I love traveling. Well, I love BEING in a different place. The getting there part has always been stressful for me. But I have never had anything like this happen before last Sunday. Never. And I'm flying back in three days...alone. Of course, I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent something like this from happening again. I really don't want to go through something like that again, especially alone. I'll have my headphones with me in addition to my ear plugs (and yes, I did have my earplugs in at the time of the meltdown so sit tf down), and I'll probably purchase the in-plane high speed wifi so I can keep myself distracted. But there is, of course, the looming fear that, sometimes, these things just happen.

I wish I could teleport.

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

Day ??? of being a violent angry idiot :"(

Eh I was violent again and apparently me and my so enable each other :") at the very least I wasn't super violent and I did at least some push ups to help with the tension release

I really am grateful for myself for even trying still

I'm doing better with my parents and I'm very grateful for that. Yes I inherited my worst traits from them, but I see the human in them for that.

And as the days go by, I have been improving in reducing damage

I hate meds so much I hate the way they turn me into a puppet. I'll try meds one more time but knowing what I know, I probably just need the regenerative farming produce.

Dark leafy greens and citrus are your best friends.

There is so much to be rediscovered and discovered.

Of course I'm not saying don't take your meds esp if you're already on them. Like I don't have ocd but I know life is a lot worse without meds with ocd.

Which makes me more desperate for answers.

Where are these chemicals generated, and how?

Stim break because I'm very sad and tense and I need to love myself

Life is already so hard, please don't make it harder for yourself </3

The sadness never ends, but neither does the joy.

w a t e r

(I'm thirsty lol)

*CRONCH*

Nothing will ever be the same again, for better or worse.

Flowers and plants smell so good :) sometimes I wonder if the apple feels pain when I bite it. Is it still alive in itself after long being away from the tree?

A meal with a loved one is one of the only things that really matter. Cherish your mother.

It bleeds because it loves.

I know it hurts so so much. I know how desperately you wish the flames would stop. I know you don't want to hurt people. It hurts so much and I love you so much more for trying at all. You're so much more loved than you're comfortable with.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

Making mistakes is how we learn.

So how do we heal?

I guess I have to forgive myself again for making the same mistake.

I did give myself credit for being less problematic this time. But I still feel bad.

I guess that's also a lame aspect of being human and traumatized. Idk :/ I also have a REALLY bad ego problem, and very very little impulse control.

Not a good combo, guys. :/

But yknow part of the healing process is learning to deal with the shame, the guilt, giving myself the time to undo the patterns my poor brain has grown accustomed to.

Oh my poor head.

Bttw after only two minutes of angry screaming, your body needs 7 WHOLE HOURS to recover hormonally. And your immune system suffers badly during those 7 hours too.

Stress probably causes cancer and heart disease, guys. I'm going to die early and not see my potential grand babies if I keep this shit up.

I must continue in my healing journey despite the horrors.

Oh my god what a day

It was actually a nice day

I learned a lot and relaxed and actually applied to part time job for the first time this year :) my friend helped me a lot and I can never appreciate her enough <3

God what a day tho

Hey god, if you're real, I'm really sorry for talking shit to you and about you because of all these human religions and my own selfishness and pain.

I cannot imagine what it's like. I wonder.

What horrors have you seen? What horrors are you capable of? What joy have you experienced?

To feel. To be.

The constant stream of consciousness.

Well I'm gonna play ponytown and or show off my ponies in another post. Until next time, my dears. These are hard times, so you should not be hard on yourself unless it's lovingly and healthily. Goodnight and stay safe <3

[liebermintz]

a peculiar comorbidity, part two

i'm experiencing a diabetes-associated autistic meltdown. and it's not pretty. it's made me develop a really bad relationship with food, a massive fear of it. it makes me doomscroll on Beyond Type 1, on Twitter, on Reddit, just to find some glimmer of hope. It makes me panic-message my endocrinologist if I stay elevated at 220 for like two hours - I was between 200-270 mg/dL when I developed ketoacidosis symptoms, I can feel my heart pound in my chest at 250 mg/dL, I develop ketones within an hour of staying out of range. and yet her biggest concern is the fact that I kinda have to bend over backwards to wrap my life around this autoimmune disorder, to get really tight control and stay out of highs (but ultimately be more susceptible to lows - which are not good at all, since I am mostly hypoglycemic unaware) in fear that I will have to be charged to the hospital later that night. my body works really fucking weird - like, Nick Jonas had to have a blood sugar of 700 mg/dL just to get admitted for DKA in the middle of recording It's About Time. most T1D diagnosis stories share the same thing. the closest diagnosis story I can compare mine to is maybe a few LADA stories - but LADA cases always start out mimicking type 2 diabetes, which I could've been well in danger of developing because of an astoundingly bad fast-food-heavy diet (three times a day when I was working at the bookstore, IIRC - binge-eating during the bookstore closure). it takes YEARS for a LADA case to really show its true colors. mine took two months. I'm gonna try to get my C-peptides tested again - and if they're still 0.9 (just slightly under range) after three months of a raging autoantibody reaction, then I know there's more to me than "body attacks body." i'm hoping they are. that means I could benefit from Tzield - if they ever approve it for people like me. every few weeks or so I have diabetes burnout so horrible that it intermingles with the meltdown and, combined with whether or not the sun's outside, puts me in a really bad mental spot. and you wanna know how bad it gets? you really want to know? well, let me put it like this, to quote Kid Cudi's weird grunge album: "I hate the gun, but I love the sun." From "Confused!" - from Kid Cudi, whose big shtick is that he's REALLY honest about his struggles with suicidal ideation. that specific line is about how he really does not want to kill himself, but he DESPERATELY wants peace of mind. usually, when it comes to suicide, nobody talks about it or, if you do, people just lock you up and throw away the key. i have worsening suicidal ideation because of this comorbidity. Nick Jonas thinks the worst he has to deal with is that he can't eat pizza super-libertine anymore or that he might get shaky enough to chug an apple juice in the middle of singing "Waffle House" during a show? imagine being afraid of all your safe foods because if you take too little insulin, you're in the hospital for DKA later that day because elevated sugars hit you way harder than everybody else, and your entire medical team (but specifically your educator and endo) will tell you "don't eat that anymore, don't eat that anymore" because they don't get the fucking memo despite you not making eye contact with them at all, despite having the monotone voice, despite occasionally stimming since I can't keep my guard up at all times - they think that as long you don't look like the Rain Man, counting cards in a suit from Armani and underwear from K-Mart, you're not autistic.

do I HAVE to whip out my diagnosis and observation papers from 1994 to 2005 just for them to get the idea of why I'm desperate for the long game to be a relatively short game? I get that this shit's gonna last a while, but when I say I can't live the rest of my life with this, I really can't. the average life expectancy of an autistic person is, what, 51? well, you just cut my life expectancy down to, maybe, 45 since I am way more prone to distress and burnout. all the type 1 resources, both by type 1s and medical organizations, have been tailored for neurotypical type 1s or type 1s with way lighter neurodivergences, for neurodivergent kids who've always had diabetes so the cormorbidity isn't bad (so they can still freely determine their safe foods). this is why I want to get on Tzield now - I want to prove that the PROTECT Study is worth its weight in gold. I want more clinicals near me to widen their eligibility for me - to not have the cutoff age be 30. I want Novo Nordisk and Sanofi and Eli Lilly to end the price-gouging of insulin either through extreme government intervention or by making insulin totally free. forever.

[tulsiadepu]

She Spins. She Twirls. She Flaps. She’s Always Moving

“She Twirled In Circles For Hours.

Flapped Her Hands When Excited. Bounced On The Couch Until She Fell Asleep.”

At first, they thought it was adorable. Then harmless. Then… confusing.

Their daughter, Diya, 4 years old:

Spun around the living room endlessly

Flapped her hands rapidly during cartoons

Twirled her hair so tightly it knotted

Rocked back and forth whenever she was tired

“We thought it was energy. We thought it was joy. We didn’t realize — it was survival.”

🧠 Why Stimming Isn’t Silly — It’s A Sensory SOS

At Pinnacle® Hyderabad (Kukatpally), occupational therapists explain:

“Stimming is the body’s way of coping with overload or under-stimulation. For children on the autism spectrum, repetitive movements regulate sensory imbalance and emotional distress.”

Key red flags include:

Spinning without dizziness

Flapping when excited or upset

Twirling objects or hair excessively

Rocking, bouncing, or toe-walking repeatedly

Focusing intensely on movement instead of people

“It’s not bad behavior. It’s the child saying: ‘My world is too much. Or too little. And this keeps me safe.’”

📞 The Breaking Point Was The Birthday Party

At her cousin’s birthday, Diya didn’t join the games. She spun in a corner by herself — laughing, but isolated.

When relatives said, “Why is she behaving like that?”, her parents realized — it wasn’t just personality. It was a pattern.

That night, they called 9100 181 181.

The counselor didn’t use scary words. She said:

“Let’s see what her body is trying to tell us. Let’s listen through her movements.”

They booked a free AbilityScore©® Sensory Screening.

📊 Diya’s AbilityScore©® Sensory Profile

Proprioceptive Regulation: 🔴 Red (450/1000)

Vestibular Sensory Response: 🔴 Red

Emotional Co-Regulation: 🔴 Red

Social Engagement: 🟡 Yellow

She wasn’t out of control. She was desperately trying to find control.

🤖 How TherapeuticAI©® Gave Her Safer Ways To Move — And Connect

Instead of punishing her movements, therapy structured them.

Her AI-personalized plan included:

Scheduled spinning time with timers

Heavy work (pushing walls, lifting beanbags)

Trampoline and crash pad routines before social activities

Sensory brushing + deep-pressure strategies

Movement rewards transitioned into verbal-social interactions

By week 4:

She flapped less — and hugged more

Played catch with her cousins — instead of spinning alone

Used words like “Jump now!” to request movement safely

“We didn’t stop her world from spinning. We taught her how to steer.”

💬 What Her Parents Share Now

“If your child is always moving, they’re not wild. They’re working so much harder than you can imagine — just to stay okay. Help them. Don’t shame them.”

🌍 This Autism Awareness Month — Respect The Movement You Don’t Understand

If your child: ✅ Spins, flaps, twirls frequently ✅ Rocks, bounces, or toe-walks beyond age 3 ✅ Gets overwhelmed in noisy, unpredictable settings ✅ Prefers repetitive body actions to social play

…it’s time to decode stimming — and empower their regulation journey.

📞 Book Your Child’s Free Sensory Screening in Hyderabad (Kukatpally)

📞 Call the Pinnacle® National Autism Helpline: 9100 181 181 🌐 www.Pinnacleblooms.org 📍 Kukatpally | Miyapur | Bachupally | Banjara Hills

✅ Free AbilityScore©® Sensory Zone Screening ✅ TherapeuticAI©® Movement Regulation Plan ✅ Telugu + English Occupational Therapists ✅ Home Sensory Path Kits + Training

⚠️ Disclaimer

This article is intended for informational and awareness purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. For expert guidance tailored to your child’s needs, please consult a qualified healthcare provider or contact the Pinnacle® National Autism Helpline at 9100 181 181.

[eroticcannibal]

hey, i'm a disordered autistic person and i think i'd like to be non-disordered. i want to be able to see my autism as just another part of me, rather than something that, at times, actively makes my life worse. is it possible to become non-disordered? if so, do you know how? sorry if this is a stupid question.

Now different people might have different opinions on this but imo the biggest thing is perspective.

There are undeniably many issues that come with being autistic in our society, but how much of that is inherent to being autistic? Evidence shows again and again that when the environment and the people around an autistic person are adapted to that person, the autistic person does better. There is more and more evidence that the widely accepted negative indicators of autism, eg meltdowns, are in fact not autistic traits but autistic trauma responses, and those raised by birth in the correct way do not experience the negative aspects of being autistic in the same way.

And even these negative parts, are you viewing it fairly? An NT some situations will struggle horribly too! You ever seen 2 people from very different cultures communicate? Its a struggle sometimes. Everyone has sensory limits and can and will meltdown if pushed too far. Their is very little about autism that does not have some analogous experience in NTs. But they are not judged so much when they hit a wall, because thats "normal", and they hit those walls less often because the whole world accomadates them. View you own burnouts and meltdowns and bad days with the same compassion you would anyone else.

Furthermore, everyone's neurotype makes their life harder at times. Even NTs. Those fuckers just cannot meet a deadline like I can with my adhd. And that can have serious consequences for them! But are they seen as disordered for it? Can NTs research and catalogue niche information like many autistic people can? Like hell can they! Must suck for NTs working in research, or writing essays for school. Their is no neurotype that gives you an easy ife.

And another important bit i think is self acceptance. You are who you are and you need to work with that. Do not aim for normal. Forget normal. Eg my kid hates the feeling of socks. So we dont make it wear socks. Sure there is more risk of blisters but with socks it is guaranteed sensory hell, so it risks the blisters. For a long time it didn't like its bed so we had sleeping spaces under tables and inside cupboards all over the house. It doesnt like the feel of shampoo so it doesnt use it. It doesnt like visual clutter so we hide food and drink bottles and controllers behind the sofa cushions. I've sewn buttons inside its sleeves for stimming and we cut the labels off all of its clothes. It cannot handle clothes very well, I could count the hours it has worn clothes over the past 2 years on my fingers and toes. Sometimes it doesnt like to speak normally so it only says the first syllable of words and thats fine. It has anxiety over owning things so I gift myself things it likes for it to steal from me later. You have to work *with* your quirks. You will not live a normal looking life but you will live one that makes you comfortable. And dont be afraid to ask people for help. We are a social species, we need to lean on each other.

Im sure plenty of followers have some takes so pls contribute.

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Do you have any autistic Scout headcanons? :P

Hell yeah!

I’ve actually thought about this a lot. A lot of people might think that Scout has ADHD, but I think he either has both ADHD and autism or just autism.

This is both because labeling Scout as having just ADHD is kind of a low-hanging fruit, and I also want to explore his symptoms a little more. So, in a word, I do, and thank you for asking about them!

*****************

Scout’s Spectrum:

So, where exactly does Scout fall on the autism spectrum?

First of all, he probably has both ADHD and autism, but wasn’t diagnosed with the latter until much later. This means that some of his symptoms were taken into account, but not all.

The ones that were paid attention to ramped up out of control, and the ones he didn’t hear about were stuffed away.

His ADHD symptoms include impulsiveness, need for stimulation, hyperfixations, forgetfulness, and insomnia; his autism symptoms include trouble with social skills, stimming, near inability to remember names and faces, lack of eye contact, hyperfixations again, and sensory processing issues, especially with noise and touch.

He used to have a lot of meltdowns when he was younger, usually about wearing new clothes and the amount of noise his eight brothers generated.

However, he was teased and pushed into masking nearly all the time, and made his whole personality about his ADHD, since that was what everyone accepted.

As he got older, he usually wrote off any autistic tendencies as either his ADHD or just “little habits” of his.

During his middle school years, he used energy drinks to bounce back from being exhausted every day after school. This would work, except those energy drinks would upset his ADHD, and would make it much harder to focus on even basic conversation.

After a while, he got such bad grades and had such a hard time making friends that Scout just stopped going to school altogether.

Baseball helped his focus, and the quick movement and thinking made a lot of sense to him. He never had to wait very long for the next development, and the instant gratification and community it provided supplemented what he never got at school.

With sports on his side, he rarely ever drank any energy drinks (the coach would never let them on the field), and he drank bucketfuls of water during every meet and game. Those teenage years were probably the healthiest he ever was.

However, with the amount of rumbles he got into with his brothers, and the turf wars that constantly raged in those neighborhoods, it was only a matter of time before his crime caught up with him.

After his first incarceration, he was booted from the team, which led to a downward spiral of unhealthy coping mechanisms - which included fighting someone tooth and nail whenever he could.

Even if he lost the fight, it not only catered to his impulsive nature and impatience, but also gave him roughly the same sense of friendship and camaraderie that baseball had.

One thing led to another, and by the time Mann Co. found him, Scout was a monster in hand to hand (and bat to bat) and had racked up quite the criminal record.

A perfect mercenary, ripe for the picking.

On The Team:

Scout very quickly adopted the “stupid, scrappy Boston boy” persona.

It was the only thing that made sense, and it kept him from having to try too hard in both the battlefield and socially.

Besides, that meant that he could be as silly, forgetful, and fidgety as he wanted, and no one would bat an eye.

And if he ever needed to take a break from the team, he figured everyone would appreciate the quiet.

The only thing that ever gave him away was him occasionally dissociating right when battle began, especially if the day had been stressful.

It was usually how he calmed down after a fight when he was young, but now he sometimes slid into that state when he was overwhelmed.

However, a yell from one of his teammates would usually snap him out of it.

Medic noticed this pretty early on, and wanted to look more into it, but Scout would keep making excuses not to get a mental examination.

He would blame it on zoning out, being tired, drinking too many Bonks - whatever it took for people to stop asking.

And, eventually, they did.

Even Medic stopped asking after a while - he couldn’t get a thing out of Scout.

This “try so little that when you do try it’s above average” charade worked for a long time. In fact, it went on for so long that Scout forgot how much he was actually capable of.

He began to internalize the stupidity, the exacerbation, the many comments on how dumb he was, everything.

The only time he ever gave his all was on the battlefield - moving fast, memorizing strategies, doing complicated footwork, knowing exactly how much force it took to crush someone’s skull with his bat.

That was one of the only things that he felt good doing, the only thing he could really work on without him being “found out.”

That and drawing, though he never showed the actual pieces to anyone. It was all stick figures and crooked lines with everyone else.

Sometimes, though, Scout wouldn’t be paying attention and he’d let something slip.

One time, Engineer was looking for his screwdriver, and couldn’t seem to find it anywhere.

Scout, not looking up from his comic, said, “Under the couch cushion, hard hat.”

Engineer bent down and reached into the couch, and his hand came back with his red and yellow striped screwdriver.

“Well I’ll be damned…”

At first Engineer thought Scout had just hid it, but Scout explained, still not paying attention:

“Last time we went out on th’ field, you had it on your belt, like always. But I was walkin’ by your workshop, you were usin’ a quarter to tighten a screw or somethin’. Your screwdriver had to be somewhere between the battlefield and your workshop. Engie, you’re like freakin’ clockwork. Every day, after a fight, you go to the kitchen, get a water, go to that couch, between the second and third cushion from the left, and sit there. Then ya go back to the fridge to get lunch and a beer, and ya go to your workshop until somebody needs you for somethin’. Your back loop in your tool belt is looser than all the others, ‘cause the screwdriver pulls against it when you sit down. The shank was probably in between the two cushions, and when you got up, it fell in. Demo, Pyro, and Heavy all sit on the second or third cushion at some point, so it got shimmied down. And since that’s the only time you sat down, ‘cause you woulda heard it if it dropped on the floor, and I…uh…”

“I’ll be damned,” Engie repeated, and felt the back tool belt loop. It was indeed loose.

Scout finally looked up, and realized what had happened.

“Uh, uh - l-lucky guess, huh Engie?”

Engineer squinted behind his goggles. “Yeah…real lucky…”

What ensued was Engie trying to get Scout to turn into a B.L.U Spy by chasing him around with his wrench. After a few good hits, though, Engineer saw that it was the teammate he knew and loved.

“But…how didja���?”

Scout threw his hand up, the other rubbing the back of his head where he’d been hit.

“I toldja Engie! Lucky guess! Jesus!”

Ever since then, Scout chose his words more carefully.

The Breakdown:

But, unfortunately, Scout could not pretend forever.

There was one week where Scout’s assignment count was so high that, if he wasn’t in a fight, he was on a mission.

Usually, Pauling wouldn’t trust him with so much, but no one else was available - or willing - to do the jobs.

Even when she was getting concerned about the amount of hours Scout was putting in, he blew it off.

“It’s no sweat, Miss Pauling! Their practically givin’ me the pay day. Those yahoos don’t know who they’re messin’ with.”

Over time, though, Scout had a harder and harder time staying focused and alert.

He’d sleep through alarms, stare off into space, zone out completely during briefing (not that he didn’t already do that), have a hard time hearing people in battle - even through his headset - ignore Spy’s taunts, and even forget to bring his bat onto the field.

Nothing seemed to help - Bonk!, warming up, stretching, cold showers, setting reminders, nothing.

And the team was starting to notice.

At first it was with the regular frustration - maybe Scout was just being lazy.

But as time went on, and his condition grew worse, their scorn turned into worry. They implored Medic to do something, but he had no way of getting through to Scout.

The doctor wasn’t above simply sedating him and dragging him into his lab for a check-up. However, he had a feeling that this was more than a physical issue.

The worst came when Scout was doing a routine battle with the B.L.U team on the field.

Everything had started out okay - he even remembered to bring his bad this time - but suddenly, everything was ear-splittingly loud.

He couldn’t focus on more than one sound at once, much less communicate the best course of action to his teammates.

He ended up hiding in a dilapidated shed, in a dusty, dark corner, somewhere between zoning out and panicking.

Scout’s head was in his knees, he was shaking, close to crying, when a sudden splitting of wood roused him.

A B.L.U Soldier had kicked his way into the shed, either having heard Scout or to hide from the other team.

Scout was stunned at first, but something of a blind terror filled him. He picked up his bat, screamed, and started pummeling the surprised Soldier.

At some point, he threw aside his bat and began to swing punch after punch, just like he did in his gang days when he had felt overwhelmed. Still screaming. Still crying.

By the time Scout had dissolved into a rocking, sobbing mess, the Soldier was long dead, with a gigantic pool of blood staining Scout’s shoes.

No one even knew where Scout was until a few hours later, when Spy heard a faint note of “Sexbomb” coming from Scout’s Walkman.

Scout had crawled into the shed’s framework, between the outer and inner wall, and was playing a specific verse over and over and over again, looking like he was on another plane of existence.

Spy immediately called for Medic, who had to lift Scout out by the underarms through a jagged hole in the side of the building. By then, the fight was over, so they could take him directly to the lab.

Medic’s Evaluation:

“I’m guessing zhis is your first mental breakdown?”

“Mental…doc, I ain’t crazy. Wait, you’re not goin’ to put me in a straight jacket, are ya?”

“If you’re not doing anyzhing later.”

Medic started to laugh, but quickly realized this might not be the time.

“No, Scout, everyvun has a mental breakdown at least vunce in their lives. It’s a…how do you say…a vake-up call of sorts. Vhen your body has no other options left.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“For zhe past few months, you health, both physical and mental, has been deteriorating. You eat less. You talk less. Your attacks are lackluster. You have bags under your eyes. You flinch vhen somevun yells for you. You stare off into space. Your routine, vhich usually has at least some changes, has become stringent, as if you can’t possibly expend any more energy into extra activities. You have avoided Demoman on zhe battlefield, even though you usually use him for cover.”

Medic flipped through his notes.

“I have pages and pages of your decline. However, as a scientist, I believe it is caused by zhe same source. And, though I usually respect my patient’s right to privacy vhen it comes to these sorts of matters, I believe you’ve been keeping something from me. Something that I should know as your general practitioner…your doctor.”

Scout shrugged, already shutting out the conversation.

Medic sighed.

“Maybe I tried to talk to you about zhis too soon. After all, you’ve just had a very sudden and exhausting episode. But…perhaps…”

Medic took a sheet of printer paper from his clipboard and a spare pen from his pocket.

“…zhere is an alternative.”

Scout was still unresponsive, but Medic continued.

“Zhere is a patient in my vaiting room vis a metal pole through the chest. It vill take me at least an hour to properly remove it, and a few minutes more to heal zhe area. Vhile I do zhat, vhy don’t you draw how you feel?”

Medic smiled.

“I know how much it grounds you.”

It wasn’t until Medic left that Scout actually picked up the pen, but he began drawing immediately.

For the first time in a while, he wasn’t trying to hide his strokes or scratch up the cleaner lines. No more stick figures. No more pretending.

Five minutes later, he was fully engrossed.

Medic started to walk in at one point, but, seeing how relaxed Scout was, decided to give him a few more minutes.

He deserved it.

[seongsangi]

kiss and tell

pairing: jeno x reader

summary: just how long do you think you can keep your relationship with jeno a secret?

word count: 2k

warnings: fuck buddies, dom jeno, manhandling (bc look at him, how could you not let him throw you around?)

You were invited over to the boys’ place for movie night, but Jeno is hellbent on being a little shit. You haven’t seen them all in a while, giving each of them a hug as you walk in. Jeno’s hands fall a little too low on your backside, grabbing a handful of your ass when no one is looking. You can feel his gaze on you ever since you stepped in, quite literally eye fucking you. His sneaky hands wrap around your waist when you’re the only one in the kitchen, whispering in your ear how good you look tonight. You quickly swat his hands away, looking over his shoulder in case someone saw.

 “What are you doing?” you asked in a hushed tone, his hand smoothing over your thigh. Ever since you started your fuck buddy relationship with him, he’s been pushing it when you’re around the boys, almost like he wants them to know. You’re against it. It’s between you and him, you don’t feel like you owe anyone anything. Your hands grip the counter as he presses closer to you, lifting your leg to hold it against his waist. He leans in close to your neck, pressing soft kisses to your skin. His deep voice sends tingles down your spine, “What, you worried about them? Sorry princess, I can’t help it when you walk in here looking like that.”

Ah, you want to push him away but his lips are making your mind hazy, holding you close enough to feel his bulge on your clothed sex. He presses a few more kisses to your neck, getting lost in your scent. “Jeno, hurry up with the drinks!” Haechan yells from the living room. He pulls away from you without a word, grabbing some soju out of the fridge and giving you a wink before he walks off. Jeno is such a little shit.

 During the movie, you get a text from your friend that makes you jump out of your seat on the couch. “Fucking shit!!” you yell, everyone turning their heads at you for the sudden outburst.

 “What, what’s wrong?” Jaemin is quick to ask.

 “Oh my godddd, I’m screwed.” You turn to look at Jeno, panic settling on your face. He’s concerned now, asking you what happened. “I forgot our exam was due tonight!!”

 The boys let out a sigh of relief, worried that it was something more serious. “This is serious, I literally forgot I had an exam!”

 “How do you forget you have a whole ass exam?” you throw a pillow at Haechan who isn’t helping the situation at all.

 You’re tugging on Jeno’s hand, asking him to please help you cheat since he’s the only one in the same class as you. He gets up from his seat, leading you to his room so you can use his laptop. Ugh, you could kiss him right now.

 The exam is monitored, meaning you have to turn your webcam on, so Jeno stays out of view of the camera but close enough to still see the screen. You know most of the answers, but there are a few Jeno helps out on by quietly whispering so the microphone doesn’t pick it up.

 You finish the exam just in time before it’s due, letting out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Thanks for helping,” you stand up from the desk chair to give him a simple peck, but he’s quick to cup your face in both hands and deepen the kiss. Your hands grab onto his waist, letting his tongue slip into your mouth. Your lips mold together perfectly, getting drunk on the taste of each other. He moves you to sit on the edge of the desk as his hand slides underneath your shirt. He pushes your bra up, kneading your breasts and playing with your nipples.

 “But they’re right outside,” you try to protest but truthfully, the feeling of his hands roaming your body is too good.

 “They won’t know if you just be quiet,” leaving kisses down your neck. He pulls your shirt all the way up, diving into your chest. You brace yourself on one hand as the other grabs Jeno’s hair, pushing your chest further into his mouth. He litters your chest with kisses, sucking on your mounds and licking them until you squirm under his touch. He bites particularly hard, a squeal leaving your lips at the sensation. Jeno soothes his tongue over it, doing it on purpose just to hear your reaction.

 “How can I be quiet if you’re gonna be like that?” you huff, sounding very bratty.

 “Don’t talk to me like that,” Jeno narrows his eyes at you, lifting you off the desk with ease and throwing you on the bed. You let out a squeal, a smile forming on your lips because you love it when he’s rough with you. He grabs your legs, flipping you onto your stomach and lifting your ass up high. He wastes no time in pulling your shorts down to your knees, sliding his fingers along your slit. He loves how wet you get for him, always making a mess on his hand. “All for me, princess?” you bury your head in the sheets, grabbing hold of them as he moves his digits in and out of you, curling them to hit your spot. You’re biting your lips hard, trying not to be loud but finding it hard when he’s working your body so well.

 Jeno takes a mental image of you on your knees for him, head down ass up just the way he likes it. He loves that you’ll let him do whatever he wants to you, knowing you enjoy when he’s in control of your body. He pulls his fingers out of you, taking his sweats off and sliding his tip along your slit, wet enough to slide in with ease.

 He leans down, pressing kisses to your back, lightly grazing your skin with his teeth. His voice is now in your ear, the deep husky sound of his words making you all the more desperate for him. “Want me to fuck you?” Jeno is such a little shit, asking you a question he damn well knows the answer to. You wiggle your hips, asking him nicely because he loves to hear you beg for him. He holds your hips steady, filling you up like he’s done plenty of times before. You gasp, the stretch making you lose your mind no matter how many times he fucks you.

“Oh shit, you’re so big,” you whine quietly. Jeno is watching where your bodies connect, moving in and out of you slowly. “You’re so tight baby,” the grip your walls have on him makes his hips stutter. You have the same effect on him as he does on you, both of you wild for each other.

 “Harder,” you want more of him, arching your back even more.

 He roughly yanks your head up, warm breath fanning your ear. “Say please,” he growls, tightening his grip on your hair.

 “Please please please,” you’re so needy for him to fuck you into the bed. He pushes you back down again, throwing you around like a ragdoll and you love it. He grabs your hands, holding them behind your back and pushing you into the bed to keep your ass high. The arch in your back is deliciously painful, made even better because you know he’s always ready and willing to ruin you.

 Jeno snaps his hips into yours, hitting you so deep it almost hurts. You can’t keep quiet any more, letting a few moans slip from your mouth. He’s pounding into you with such force, your legs are about to give out. He grabs the back of your neck, pushing your face into the mattress. “Shut up, you don’t wanna get caught right?” You whimper at his words, no you don’t want them to hear but how can you control yourself?

 “Or maybe you do. Maybe you want them to know how good I’m fucking you,” you can just hear the grin in his voice. Jeno quickly pulls out, maneuvering your bodies so that you’re now on top. “You want it so bad, do it yourself.” He rests his hands behind his head, staring you down, waiting for your next move.

 You lean down to take him in your mouth, spitting on his dick to get it wet. Keeping your eyes locked on his, you take him as far down your throat as you can, parting his lips in a quiet gasp. The sight of you with your mouth full of him is something he wants to see everyday. You bob your head on him, making sure to use as much tongue as you can. Sitting back up, you straddle his hips and position him at your entrance. Resting your hands on his chest, you sink down on his member, quickly setting a pace with your hips. You clench around him as you bounce on his dick, eliciting a groan from the feeling of your tight walls. He just can’t get enough of you.

 With half-lidded eyes, Jeno watches you use him to get off. Your body on top of his looks absolutely amazing, he could stay like this forever. Your perfect tits are just begging to be sucked, running his hands up your sides and pinching your nipples. He pulls you down, latching onto your breasts. He grabs handfuls of your ass, wishing he could spank you until you’re red with his handprints but that would be too much noise. He sighs, furrowing his brows in pleasure as you clench your walls while moving up and down his length. “If you don’t stop doing that,” he growls against your nipple, earning a sly smile from you.

 Jeno quickly props his feet up on the bed, slamming his hips up into yours and taking control. “Oh fuck!” you yell, the sudden attack catching you off guard. He stops immediately, slapping a hand over your mouth and pulling your face down towards his. “I’m starting to think you really want them to know.” You quickly shake your head no, begging him with your eyes to keep fucking you. “Then shut the fuck up.”

 His hand wraps around your throat, his other hand leaving your hair to hold your waist. You cover your mouth with your hand, muffling the sound of your moans as he finds his pace again, bucking his hips deep into you. “You like it when I fuck you?” his dark eyes stare into yours, squeezing your throat a bit tighter. He’s gonna be the death of you.

 You nod your head as best you can with his hand around your throat. His lips curl into a smirk, which you find so sexy on him. “Yeah, I know you do baby, just look at you.”

 You move your hand away from your mouth, capturing his lips in a kiss to suppress your whines. The stretch of him is blowing your mind and you can’t keep up with his movements. “I’m gonna cum,” you gasp on his lips. He reaches in between your bodies, stimulating your bundle of nerves to help you finish. “Wanna see you cum all over me.” 

 You bury your face in his neck, letting your high wash over you. Jeno slows his hips down, guiding you through it. Your body quivers on top of his, his arms holding you in place. He never fails to make you feel on cloud nine.

 Before you can fully recover, Jeno switches positions again and lays you on your back. “I’m not done yet,” holding your legs wide open as he slides back in, chasing his own release. His hips are relentless, making you cover your mouth again as he uses you like his personal fuck toy. You clench your walls around him, making him bite his lip at how tight you are. A few more thrusts and he pulls out, pumping himself quickly. Without a word, you get on your knees.

 “Cum on my face, pretty please Jeno?” you plead, sticking your tongue out for him.

 “Fuuuck,” he moans, painting your face with his warm load. You wrap your lips around the tip, swirling your tongue around it and swallowing what you can.

 By the time you and Jeno make it back to the living room, the movie is already over.

 “How was the exam?” Jaemin asks.

 “Oh, it wasn’t that bad,” taking your seat on the couch again as Jeno heads to the kitchen.

 An awkward silence follows as Renjun searches for another movie to watch.

 “So, are we just gonna ignore the elephant in the room?” Haechan cocks an eyebrow at you, eyes darting to Jeno’s body in the kitchen and back to you.

 Ah shit, you knew this would happen. “Sorry boys, I don’t kiss and tell.”

[sunflowergarland]

reasons i very strongly relate to autism:

- i never feel like i can truly fit in with my peers

- like, i don’t usually understand their humor

- i don’t think on the same wavelength as them

- i’m the one everyone babies and tries to keep innocent (i was raised innocent but now most of my friends are trying to “mother” me)

- i feel like they all have some sort of mental mutual connection that i missed out on

- they’ll all be interacting with each other and i’m over here wondering how they naturally know how to do that

- like how do you just walk up to someone and strike up a conversation???? for me i have to have a specific reason to talk to someone, or a specific reason to be near them, or both. i don’t just randomly start conversations.

- on that note, social interactions are really hard. how do i know when it’s my turn to speak? do i make eye contact? or do i fake the eye contact?? how do i respond???

- i’ve come up with a few conversation templates that work in almost any situation but they’re getting increasingly ineffective and i have no idea how to alter them, or go without them.

- why are grocery stores so loud??? everything is noisy: the carts, the people, the cash registers, the EVERYTHING.

- i can hear the music in stores pretty easily when my mom can hardly hear it at all even when she’s trying to. and she has regular, normal hearing.

- i get hot or cold extremely easily, and my family has come to the conclusion that i must be a lizard because i apparently don’t regulate my own body temperature, apparently i rely on the environment to control my body temperature.

- i don’t like random touches, but sometimes i’ll accept a hug. or hold someone’s hand. it depends highly on the situation and the person and my mood at the time.

- since i was like 6 (i’m 17 now) i’ve had an unexplained habit of tearing at my fingernails and cuticles that recently expanded to any skin i can reach. i’ve tried countless methods of getting rid of the habit but absolutely nothing has worked. it makes me happy in the moment and makes me feel good in the moment, so i’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a harmful stim of some sort.

- on that note i also adore fidget toys and they help me calm down even if im just holding them and not messing with them.

- i’ve found that rocking back and forth while standing in one place for periods of time helps immensely with staying calm and not getting overloaded with whatever sensory stimulations are around me.

- rocking while sitting isn’t my thing but i love doing it while standing.

- i also found that i tend to ball my hands into fists and kinda flap them back and forth quickly when i’m excited or stressed and doing that helps me feel better.

- i’m extremely sensitive to pain and other touch-related things, for example one of my family members likes to playfully whack my upper arm a lot and it HURTS. like REALLY BAD. but no one believes me because apparently this person isn’t doing it “that hard.”

- i HATE when plans change unexpectedly. if im in control of saying when/if it changes, sure, i can deal with that because im in control. but if im NOT in control then it absolutely wrecks me on the inside even if i don’t show it on the outside.

- i much prefer texting or social media messaging to in-person, calls, or facetime. there are very few people i’d PREFER to see in real life or call/facetime and even then i get a lot of the same feelings i do when interacting with anyone else.

- sounds easily distract me. fluorescent lights? the buzz nearly drives me crazy whenever my ears decide to pick up on it. other people talking when i’m in a conversation with someone else? suddenly my conversation becomes a thousand times harder to focus on. that goes for any stimuli, really.

- i’ve found that wearing headphones with quiet music playing through them really helps me in the grocery store (i’ve been too shy to try them anywhere else and i’ve tried it once but had really good results). i still came out a little too stimulated and exhausted from it, but not nearly so much as without headphones.

- i have a much deeper passion for creative writing and even academic writing than 99% of the people i’ve met. even those who say they like writing don’t plan on it as their career, or cite it as their best strength, or even do it as much as i do. if something happened and i couldn’t write at all, i’d end up in a huge mental health crisis.

- pacing. i pace a LOT and i’ve heard that’s an autism thing. not sure if that’s actually true but i find that i pace a lot more than i see other people doing.

my only real question with this whole thing is why do i feel so alienated from autistic people? i know at least one diagnosed autistic person and im pretty sure i know a couple more but haven’t found out for sure yet if they actually are.

is because i’ve spent most of my life trying to be normal and so i don’t know how to relate to those with autism? or am i neurotypical? or am i some other form of neurodivergent?

that’s my only real concern with being pretty sure im autistic. i’m not 100% sure and im scared to ask to get a diagnosis because my parents basically scoffed at me for thinking i was adhd. i don’t want to bring up possible autism because i KNOW i don’t look autistic.

recently i’ve been trying unmasking techniques to see if they work for me and they’ve helped a lot. so there’s another reason i’m seriously wondering about possibly being autistic.

and again im NOT trying to become autistic or anything like that. i’m just trying to uncover the reason why i feel so strongly connected to autism and why i am the way i am.

hi neurodivergent side of tumblr, could i ask for some advice?

i’ve been researching neurodivergence for months in an effort to figure out why i always have felt so different from and unable to understand/really connect with other people. at first i thought i had adhd, because i resonate with quite a few of the symptoms.

and then i started seeing some autism things popping up on my pinterest and i found them extremely relatable. so i started researching autism as well.

i became pretty sure i’m either autistic or adhd (or maybe both but i’m not sure on that). recently i started taking online autism tests and keep scoring pretty high autism-indicative results.

for example:

a full 10 on the AQ-10

a 40 on the regular AQ

total of 155 on the CAT-Q

i also have been following a couple youtube channels run by autistic people and while i don’t relate to every single experience of theirs, enough resonates with me to make me seriously wonder if i’m autistic.

i also want to clarify: i’m not trying to be one of those copycat people who wants to be different and wants to be ND. i’m NOT trying to get high scores on these tests. i’m NOT trying to relate to autistic things, i just DO.

if i could i’d feel normal. i’d BE normal if i could. but i can’t. so i’m trying to figure out why.

im going to reblog this with an explanation on how i came to the autism conclusion. but honestly. i could really use some help figuring out what the heck is going on, if you guys would be so kind ❤️