#and unless something triggers these memories then... they'll never know!

[starheirxero]

Sooo, I thought about Lunar going He only hit me once about Eclipse, and stumbled across this really cool tumblr Blog talking about it

https://www.tumblr.com/annakenziesworld/750845019184922624/eclipse-only-ever-really-hit-me-once?source=share

I wanted to show you the angst, like a puppy shows it's owner a cool stick it found

Me to Lunar: Why the fuck you lying, WHY YOU ALWAYS LYING🎶

YEYSYESYYES I SAW THAT !!!! I've been thinking abt it sm since I saw it actually bc, while it was likely just a case of "it happened so long ago we forgor what happened", it can 100% be interpreted as Lunar repressing most of the memories from that time and only remembering the most "major" event and it's so fascinating to me! Bc like, I've thought it was weird they said he only hit them once too, bc I've always distinctly remembered Lunar telling Moon that Eclipse hit him twice!!

But as the clips show, honestly, it's a good bit over twice!! It's just probably likely that Lunar didn't clock it as anything notable or important because Eclipse just... kinda always treated them like that. They remembered the two hardest hits because those were particularly upsetting, but everything else just blended into the mix of "shitty ways Eclipse treats me." yk??? And then over time, more shit got repressed or forgotten, and they can only remember the day in the cafe.

Like again I know it's very likely entirely accidental, but it ended up being a pretty solid way to show memory issues via trauma! And that's not even accounting for the fact that depression (and their retconned ADHD 😔) can also cause memory problems!! So this little blunder can be attributed to their fucked up mental health in-universe which is both cool rep!! but also breaks my heart over Lunar so much BSJABSJS

[yanderes-galore]

Arcane request

platonic!yandere Vander and his kids kinda thing basically all of them being platonic yanderes for reader and what they’d be like

I have a max of one character per request now unless it's a rivalry/sharing thing. But I did what I could!

I apologize as I am going primarily off memory for this!

Yandere! Platonic! Vander + "The Kids" Concept

(Mentions Vander, Vi, Powder, Mylo, and Claggor)

Pairing: Platonic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Overprotective family dynamic, (Emotional) Manipulation, Paranoia, Clingy behavior (the kids), Isolation, Punishment, Dubious/Forced family dynamic.

You are most likely the oldest of Vander's adopted children, being 18 years old.

As a result Vander may trust you with riskier jobs to get by in Zaun.

You are seen as an older sibling to Vi, Powder, Mylo, and Claggor.

Yet even though you're the oldest that does not mean Vander doesn't worry about you.

Vander appears to be a decent father to all of his children.

You end up helping a lot when it comes to wounds or watching after them.

If anything sometimes you take on a secondary parenting role while Vander is busy.

This is your family, ever since the Civil War you have considered Zaun your home.

It's your job to mend wounds, settle arguments, and keep your family safe.

In a way you do love Vander.

So he isn't entirely forcing you to be his child for the most part.

He's your father, has been since he found you.

In return you do what jobs you can in order to have money to spend.

In this concept I'm going to primarily explain how this family would be as yanderes.

Vander is the typical overprotective father of the group.

He'd rather you stayed in sight yet sometimes relies on you to do bigger jobs the kids can't do.

He gives you some freedoms, but they can easily be taken if you get yourself hurt or have a falling out.

The kids are primarily emotionally manipulative and clingy siblings.

Vi is protective of her family, including you

Powder is always asking to help you on jobs but you decline.

Mylo often complains that Vander gives you better jobs yet really is just worried.

Claggor is also one to be protective of you and the others, yet you reassure him you're fine.

Honestly, there's no real yandere signs until something happens.

The kids ultimately listen to Vander.

If Vander enforces a rule, they'll probably go along with it.

Especially if we assume they're just as bad as Vander.

Things would turn sour if there was conflict between you and Vander.

Maybe you got hurt and never told him, maybe you just disobeyed orders.

When Vander realizes his eldest kid is being too reckless he knows he has to do something.

Vander would be the platonic yandere father to ground you to one spot so he can keep an eye on you.

He doesn't want to lose you to death or you leaving on your own.

Even if you're an adult... he doesn't want you to leave his family.

Plus... the kids don't want that either, yeah?

If you're "grounded" by Vander, the kids often visit you.

They continue to do jobs even if you're forced to stay at Vander's bar.

Even though you now see this place as a prison... the kids do make you smile a bit.

They love you but don't want to go against Vander's orders.

Plus... they don't want you to leave them either.

Even if you thought of escaping, you may be guilt-tripped into staying.

Especially by Powder... you really don't want to leave any of them.

Yet Vander keeping you locked away makes you antsy.

Even when he pulls you aside to hold you or speak with you, you are distant.

Your love towards your family wanes the moment your freedoms are restricted.

Being stuck in Zaun is a cage enough... now you're stuck in a bar by your family.

You try to distract yourself from your isolation by interacting with family.

You hug the kids and Vander... you tinker to occupy yourself...

But it's all only temporary relief.

At some point, you'll find time to run off.

Yet Vander will know and track you down himself if he has to.

Who knows, maybe he'll even ask Vi to help him.

He keeps you hidden away for a reason.

If he has to drag you back and chain your ankle to your bed... then maybe that will get the point across!

Mylo is certainly the one to throw a fit at you for leaving while Claggor just appears hurt.

Vi feels bad as she understands you want freedom.

Yet Powder simply clings onto you and doesn't let go once you're brought back.

Vander can't have you being reckless... he plans on keeping his family safe....

He'll sacrifice everything if it means keeping you and the kids out of harm... even your freedom.

Plus... you being around more often makes the kids happier, right?

[hesitationss]

i truly don't mean to be so depressed, but it just feels so difficult to exist rn. i feel like early on in 2025, i realized there was like a veil over my existence for parts of 2023 and 2024 where it felt i was committing spiritual death against myself. i've since grown and built like meaningful friendships and support, but it always feels like there's something missing and unfulfilled. i feel lonely because i can't be with my long distance friends who are still in the place i used to live, but everyone has changed and so have i. even the very infrastructure of these cities have changed and maybe bcuz i'm also of a diaspora... i just feel like i'll always be somewhere "in between". i also feel lonely because i can't impose on people like i used to. everyone is so lonely and isolated and won't reach back when i reach forward. sometimes i cancel on people against my better interests. ahh idk also trying to be disciplined in work, life, political life... it's just a huge weight that prevents me from actually doing anything plus i've been triggered by some things that remind me that i'm not as healed as i though i was. i'll think to myself "well i'm 27, this shouldn't bother me anymore" and then it does...

last month IG decided to revivie my old account... both weird and nice, it reminded me that i've lived a nice a full life and have friends who have loved me from a long time, but also stirred up some not great memories. overall indifferent and creepy, but it was a harsh reminder that so many of the people that i meet now only know one version of myself and that unless we become really close, they'll probably never know all these other versions of myself... it's kind of sad. at the same time, i'm being treated in more meaningful and deep ways with others and i think this weight has also been making me emotional. seeing the evidence of love and deep connection last month made me really really happy last month, but now it feels so overwhelming...idk dear diary how can i exist, work, love, and feel like a person who had their physiological and emotional needs met growing up...

[greyskyflowers]

I love the combo of Steve, Sam, and Natasha all being involved with Bucky's recovery and the fact that we just skimmed over so much of Bucky's recovery and were robbed of so much of that bonding takes me out sometimes.

I can really get behind the idea that Bucky hurt himself a lot when they first got him back/found him/whatever.

He doesn't even realize it, gets lost in a memory or just lost in his head.

He grabs his human arm, squeezing until the skin bulges between his fingers and they can practically see the bruises forming, the blood vessels bursting under his skin and ready to flow as soon as he manages to break skin. Which often happens.

They have to get close to him to help, all slow movements and soft voices, and it doesn't matter what they say because he's not listening. He's seeing and hearing something else. A memory, sometimes a hallucination. What matters is how they say it. Careful. Slow. Soothing.

And when they're close enough, then they can start gently prying his fingers up, one at a time.

They can't use too much force, or they'll spook him, and he risks hurting himself more or hurting someone else.

It's a slow process but they've got it down by now that they haven't had a negative reaction from him in a while.

He also scratches at the seam on his shoulder where metal gets skin, relentlessly, until it bleeds. Sometimes digs his fingers in until the metal groans and blood is dripping from it.

It's a similar process to stop that.

Their own hands getting bloody and sticky from coaxing his fingers and nails out of where he's got them tearing into his body.

Or he bites through his lip, blood dripping down his chin, and holy shit had that not gone well the first time they saw that.

They'd been half convinced he'd had some type of cyanide pill or similar hidden on him and just finally used it.

That one's harder to work with. They can't physically get him to stop biting his lip unless they pull at it themselves, and that's just not going to go well for anyone.

Sometimes, if they get close enough, they can kind of massage his jaw or rub down the sides of his neck where the tendons are tight with tension and stress. That helps, brings him back around slow until he comes back to himself enough to stop biting.

It's common for him to break something he's holding when something triggers him, and they have to get him to let it go. He doesn't like to let it go, like maybe if he doesn't show them that he broke something, then they won't know he did. Like, maybe he still worries that showing them means punishment.

Sometimes, they just don't realize he's broken something. Wood and metal don't have the shattering sound glass does and sometimes they just don't hear things break.

If they leave it long enough then Bucky starts to heal over it, same as Steve, but slower.

Just another way that shows Bucky definitely got the knock-off shit version of the serum.

And made a post about it before, but I just really love the idea that when Bucky gets triggered, then he turns whatever weapon he gets his hands on, onto himself.

When they first got him back, they could try to keep him away from weapons, but he always seemed to have one on him. So, when he'd wake up from a nightmare, get stuck in a memory, or whatever, then he'd usually turn whatever he had on them.

And they'd all have to sit there, on edge and hearts pounding, trying to talk Bucky back down enough that he would move the weapon off them.

As he starts to recover though, he starts turning it on himself.

Which, honestly, isn't any better. Because it's never going to not be terrifying to see him hold a knife to his own throat or stomach, or a gun to his head, or whatever else he gets his hands on.

Especially when they know how much he doesn't want to hurt them, how much he tries to not be a threat to them.

If he thinks he's too compromised, that's he's a threat, then he'll do what he thinks needs to be done.

And maybe he does it a few times. Digs a knife into his stomach, or starts to draw blood on his one throat, or one time he actually pulls the trigger and thank fucking god it jams.

Once he starts to make those moves, then they move. No coaxing or careful or slow.

Every second they waste is another second for him to cause himself harm, and he's one of the most dangerous people in the world. He can do a lot of harm in just seconds, even if it's to himself.

Or maybe he's aware enough and calm enough to not go in for something fatal but he breaks his wrist or digs a knife into his shoulders or thighs. Some type of wound that will slow him down enough for them to do whatever they need to do.

He knows how to make himself less of a threat and the best way to take himself out. He knows all the places that his enemies aimed for and all the places he'd aim for when completing his missons.

Remembers all the areas his handlers aimed for, all the wounds they'd give to make a point, or for punishment.

[skaald-of-the-hearth-fires]

Knowing WHEN to info-dump is a very important skill for a writer. For example, everyone knows (I hope) not to do so in the first page, or even the first chapter. All you need to worry about there is communicating, "what are your characters names and genders, what is going on, and why your character cares" (e.g. "Logan is the Seraph Captain -> he's concerned with an invasion," or "X is Y's loved one -> Y being hurt is naturally distressing to X".)

But by a couple chapters in, your readers really do want to know a broader scope of going on and why, and more details about who is who, and will greatly appreciate a tactful, concise, and relevant sharing of information.

NOT giving the readers this info will 1) make them impatient to learn what you're hiding (which is good in moderation), 2) make it difficult for them to connect / relate to / care about the characters, which will lead to frustration and eventually abandoning the book, and 3) permanently limit YOUR ability to talk about the character, setting, plot, and why those things are important.

There's only so much you can convey in sentence fragments here and there: sometimes you really do need to take a paragraph and explain something, or have a quick flashback, or have a foil character ask a few questions, or have something trigger the MC's memory, or have the MC bask in a minor accomplishment while ruminating on why they wanted it in the first place and how it leads into bigger goals.

The TRICK with providing information is still to make it concise, though; more than a couple paragraphs without the MC or someone else doing or saying something (or without smth that doesn't immediately tie back to the moment at hand), but HOW concise depends on many factors.

Factors include: 1) where in the story you are (first couple chapters and last couple chapters are big "keep it quick and simple, or not at all"), 2) what your pacing looks like (PLEASE don't interrupt a battle with a flashback unless you're deliberately doing it as cliffhanger or smth: the character dodging, stabbing, and seeing like, an emblem or insignia with Personal HistoryTM is NOT the right time to infodump about the MC's history with a rival who isn't on the battlefield), and 3) how much you've teased /foreshadowed about this specific info already.

If the readers know there's something here and that it's important (bc it's impacted the plot already, such as a character having a PTSD response for no clear reason) they'll be a lot more willing to read a paragraph about it than if it's info that isn't immediately clearly relevant to the plot. (And no, "sees a random object and launch into flashback" isn't "clearly relevant." If X object reminds your MC of Y character, it better be a character I've heard about before, even if only in passing, or at least their role in the story. (And in that case, you clarify/remind the reader that this character has been referred to before.))

And the BEST thing you can do is tie emotions to what the character is seeing. Have your MC react emotionally and viscerally to a reminder of his past, a relationship, or the baffling way another character is handling a social situation. This works for foreshadowing / teasing infodumps as well as lead-ins or tie-ins to the actual information. If a character has an emotional reaction to a name and has to take a minute by himself, but never explains why? Instant interest from readers that you can then infodump about the next time that character comes up.

Another thing to do, that I mentioned earlier, is break up the infodump with actions, dialogue, or other plot things. This can't be filler stuff: like I said, emotional reactions are good for this, even - or especially - reactions they try to hide. (The MC trying to hide an emotion is a GREAT way to show an emotion if you're not otherwise sure how to do it / don't want it to impact what's going on at the moment.)

DON'T infodump the first time a character has an emotional reaction: let the reaction be mysterious. Let the character squeeze their eyes shut and mentally go "noooo I can't think about HER/[name]/event/group/location right now" - because that's an amazing excuse to not talk about it right then, PLUS building interest/tension for when you DO explain it.

If you can't find a way to bring the thing into the story multiple times before info-dumping about it, that means EITHER 1) its not actually that important to the plot and doesn't deserve a ton of info-dumping, OR 2) you need a whole scene centered on it. Knowing when to make your info a quick paragraph versus making a whole scene is important.

E.g. if your character has a trauma response? Have other characters who know the situation talk around/about it. Have a bully send stinging comments. Have a panic attack. Have your MC snap and start yelling their grievances to the world. Make it a prologue.

A great thing to do when you can't think of anything else? Make the info-dump a conversation between at least two people, if not more (depending on who they are + how close the MC is with them, etc). Then you have TWO people - ideally significant characters you've fleshed out prior to this scene - who can have emotional reactions. A friend getting mad on the MC's behalf. A therapist getting agitated. Someone going "Oh so THAT'S why XYZ said that weird thing earlier, WOW" or "whoa I never knew that" or "thanks for trusting me" or "I'm sorry I did XYZ thing to trigger you, I'll keep that in mind in the future" or, alternatively, "how could you hide this from me" or "that wasn't MY fault" or "I'm gonna tell everyone" or "do you want me to keep this secret" or a big one, "Oh wow that person did that to me too," or "I HATE when people do that, I have my own experience" and then you can have TWO infodumps.

And then have it affect their plans for the future, or clearly and explicitly change their relationship (e.g. apologizing for blowing up at them, or growing closer due to sharing secrets, or smth. A good tool here is to have the other character reciprocate the sharing by sharing their own secret.) Don't have it be, like, "okay I just wanted you to know" unless you then switch to the other person's PoV and have them being really shaken or having smth they need to do because of that info that maybe they hid from the other character.

If sharing this info doesn't automatically impact the plot, then either its not actually that relevant, or you need to find a better place to put the scene where it WILL affect the plot.

Most of all, though, you need that set-up->payoff timeline to make it work. The readers need to WANT this info. And remember, Chekhov's Gun applies here too: don't set-up something that never gets payoff, I promise your readers hate that. They want to KNOW, they want to be in the in-group, they'll get frustrated.

Now if your MC also does not know, you can alleviate this by having your MC be similarly frustrated, or anxious, or mad, or disappointed their friend won't trust them, or something else, because then your characters have a REASON for not knowing, AND they can relate to the MC on that basis and will cheer them on when the MC finally decides to track down that info, or when it's finally revealed.

I use "the MC is also confused" a LOT when something doesn't make sense or has to be explained later. This is reassuring to the reader, because then they know "Oh okay, the author KNOWS this is confusing and won't just leave it hanging, I'll get an explanation later." Whereas if you don't, there is a chance the reader will feel like they SHOULD have understood and they're dumb for not getting it. You never want your readers to feel dumb, because that's insulting and then they won't like your story.

Doing stuff like this to reassure your readers that You Know What You're Doing is especially true if you write fanfic and the readers can't be sure how good you actually are at writing until you show them.

Anyway, that's my random writer's advice post spawned by me being a writer and various frustrations I've had while reading. Let me know if you like this kind of post from me and I may do more!

[clouds-of-wings]

I'm in the Eternal Academy now and came into the teachers' loungue. Which is full of ghosts that can subtract 5 points of one of your stats and add it to another, and that also give you false information on which stats they are going to modify. One says they'll lower your wits, then lowers your memory instead. I really don't know what the room is for since you can do the same on the Lady Vengeance with the magic mirror and you aren't beholden to the 5 points thing.

Okay, but whatever. I didn't know that when I came into the room. By coincidence I talked to the one first whose job is to "teach authority". She yelled at me that I wasn't supposed to be there, then when I apologized (bc it was the only way I could ask why) she yelled at me for not acting with enough authority (as a Godwoken should) and said that her earlier yelling had been a test to see if I would assert myself. This pissed me off so much that I promptly devoured her spirit. Which should have pleased her because killing someone who pisses you off is a pretty damn good sign of "authority". Then all the other teachers got angry and refused to cooperate with me because I had been so mean to their colleague. That's really the entire game summed up.

So anyway, I then reloaded, DIDN'T eat her and found out that she too misinforms you on what she does. She doesn't actually teach you "authority" (which I assumed had something to do with the Leadership or Persuasion skill), but... increases your Memory stat at the expense of some other stat. For some reason that has something to do with "authority".

Anyway, it's really the entire game's communication style summed up. Nothing makes sense and you get punished regardless of what you do unless you can read minds and are compliant or rebellious in exactly the way they want at exactly the moment when they happen to feel like it.

(I've genuinely stopped playing after dinner because I started getting flashback nightmares every night to being a kid with abusive parents. I'm fine if I have a few hours between playing and sleeping, but playing in the evening is genuinely triggering to some degree because the logic of how the characters treat you is so fucked up. It really feels like being a kid with unpredictable and emotionally abusive parents. In a way this appeals to my hunger for novelty - I have never been abused by a video game before - but I do have to plan around that a little bit.)

Although I have to say that "teacher lounge" reminds me a lot of my real experiences with teachers - giving me false info, molding my mind in arbitrary ways that I could have done better myself at my home base, getting irrationally angry over my reactions and turning everything into stupid mind games. And being DEAD INSIDE. Maybe it's realistic.

[femme-energy]

Because I don't have many memories of healthy emotional behavior or relationships I feel totally at sea dealing with these things. When I get let down, it just reinforces my belief that the world is full of bad people who won't be kind -- like my parents.

I read a quote that said, "the sea no longer torments me; the self I wished to be is the self I am." and I aspire to be that way.

To have BPD is not something I wish upon anyone, to constantly believe that you won't ever experience love the way you want or believe that you're unlovable is hard. Feeling abandoned and rejected is all I know. Sometimes I try to make myself believe I am worthy of love, but it's hard to really believe that when I get into relationships with people who don't understand me, despite my efforts to use coping and grounding skills.

Relationships are a trigger for me because all I've know is unhealthy relationships. I was not allowed as a child to feel emotions without being punished, not once did anyone ever ask what was wrong, when I had been hurting. It was always you're a bad child. I was exposed to my parents toxic and abusive relationship and I had normalized that. Got divorced when I was 6, but continued to live together, fight, live in separate homes, to love each other and the cycle would repeat. It's all I knew and it affected my relationships as an adult. I would self sabotage a majority of my relationships without realizing I was doing it. I got into several fucked up relationships in my 20's. One of them was an abusive guy who beat me, threatened me, stalked me and I had to get a restraining order that's still currently active, I'm now 31. I still live in fear and paranoia that he will find me. In my mid 20's I was in my second toxic relationship that had led to an abortion I don't think I wanted. A decision that had been taken away from me. After the abortion, I was expected to be the cool girlfriend as if nothing had happened. They never checked on me to see how I was doing and that's when my first episode arouse. That was the year I had been diagnosed with BPD.

I was abused by my uncles at the age of 6 until I was maybe 12-13 years old. I didn't know any better and let it happen. Shame on them for abusing me and for taking advantage of a child. I still have flashbacks of those moments and it makes intimacy hard for me. I don't like being touched unless I'm the one to initiate it. Sometimes I'm afraid to say no to sex in fear that my partners will leave me or will be mad at me so I put myself through it even if it means i sacrifice my mental health. For the longest time, I believed men only wanted me for my body and not me as a person. Even when I felt comfortable saying no, a part of me is still scared they'll leave. Sex really is hard for me. Most of the time I don't have an active libido because I'm scared and uncomfortable with myself.

I'm scared of men and believe they will hurt me. I find myself constantly crossing the streets like a zig-zag to avoid men. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, I live in paranoia. For a long time I believed that all men are trash and now believe it's not all men.. I never feel safe, but still crave love. I'm sick.

I was bullied as a child until even now as an adult. Bullied from my peers and by my own mother, who once said, she wished she never had me, wished she aborted me. It's hard for me to trust people and let them in. I try my best to give people a chance, but they constantly let me down.

Trying to establish relationships, whether platonic or romantic can be hard and discouraging. When I have an episode, it's not something that I am intentionally doing. I am learning now to manage and control it, but it's discouraging when people have this perception of you, judge your character and speak poorly of you. I'm just a human being trying to mange my emotions and beliefs. I apologize for being triggered by things I am working so hard on overcoming. Sometimes I believe I'm a terrible person but deep down inside I'm awesome. I want people to give me a chance like I do with others. Why can't anyone ever give me the benefit of the doubt? In result of that, I find it hard to make friends.

Back to relationships:

Not only did I have a terrible relationship with my mother. I had a fucked up/twisted relationship with my father. My father was my pride and enjoy and my first love even though he constantly let me down. I have a vivid memory of him -- I was sitting on his lap and he said to me that my older half sister was his favorite daughter. Always bragged and boasted of his precious first daughter and only carried a photo of her in his wallet. I have two sisters and not once did I ever hear he loved all three of us. My father would buy my older sister anything she wanted, but when I asked, it was always no, or get a job (even at the age of 6). Even though my father felt all the love in the world for my older sister, I still chose to buy his love. I would buy him his favorite things just to get him to love me. It didn't matter that my father physically abused me. I still wanted him to love me. He never showed up my high school graduation because he decided to go to work. He just never showed up for me. In fact, he would criticize me for my weight as a growing girl and would compare me to my mother. It led to an eating disorder and body dysmorphia. He died when I was 18, two months before my 19th birthday and I was responsible to figure out funeral and wake details. I had to speak with folks from the organ donor donation to make decisions about his viable organs. I had to pick out his casket, had to pick out the cemetery and funeral home. He died while I was at home in the shower and I hadn't been talking to him. I felt a lot of guilt and still struggle with it. We didn't shower at home for a couple of months because my sister and mom were scared to go in there. I had to be the big sister, eldest daughter and make the push to shower at home for some normalcy. I was afraid, but if I didn't do it, who would?

The year after my father died, my mom started dating again, and I never had an issue with her dating, it was just fast and she was shady about it. She lied to my younger sister and I about her relationship and she never told us why. The man she decided to date was a man who already knew of the Callejas last name. He used to be in a relationship with my father's brother's ex-wife. I thought it was weird and creepy. Something about that guy rubbed me the wrong way. My cousins would warn me about that guy and what he had done, it was disturbing. He was terrible to my sister and I and despite communicating this to my mother, she ignored us and chose him. She kicked my 14/15 year old sister out of the house to live with my uncle and she had kicked me out at 20/21. I had to live in my car and figure my life out. Fast forward a couple of years, I decided to go back home and I regretted it. She was still with that man and he made my life a living hell. He would speak poorly of me and I would defend myself because my mother wasn't going to do it. She wasn't going to tell him to stop treating me like shit. She always chose him. When I was diagnosed with BPD back in 2018/2019 I learned that I resented my parents. My mom had always called me a piece of shit my whole life, I can remember her calling me a piece of shit at the age of 6. Despite how my parents treated me, I wanted to work through that because my mom was the only parent I had left and I didn't want to live a life knowing I didn't speak to her. So I worked really hard in therapy to have the uncomfortable conversation. I knew I had to walk on egg shells with her and had to remind her that she provided for me and my sister, but as soon as I mentioned that my parents failed me emotionally and mentally, she lost it and only heard "I'm a bad parent" despite reminding her otherwise. Even after that conversation, I tried to have a relationship with her and I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that no contact is what's best and it works but it still hurts.

The relationships I have with my sisters are just as complicated.

My parents always taught me to be the bigger person in situations and to always apologize even if I was not in the wrong. This has negatively impacted me, always letting things go, moving forward without getting the opportunity to process the situation/emotions. It's kind of like there's this invisible scale and you're letting it pile up, and after awhile those things you put in the back burner slowly start creep up again and then out of nowhere something minor or major comes up and boom you're now in crisis mode. What could've been preventable in most situations turned out to be this whole drama production of me having an episode. Goes back to feeling unheard or taken seriously, or trying to understand the severity of things. Now, I'm not saying you can't be the bigger person because there are scenarios where you should be, but this is about things that are affecting my mental health that are just being put to the side. It's like the whole abortion situation, I had to move on and be a cool girlfriend, act like nothing happened, and let it eat up inside to the point I lose it and now I'm a terrible person. Please.

Relationships pt. 3

After being diagnosed with BPD in 2018/2019 I swore off relationships because I wanted to heal. It was important for me to heal and I had a male friend who is now my partner who I would speak to. At the time, I didn't see him as anything more than just a friend. During the time of healing, I had learned to manage my BDP and decided that I would pursue my male friend, now partner. I had always said that my next relationship would be with someone I had been friends with for awhile and we had been friends for about 4 years. I also knew around 2020 that I had feelings for him, but again, I had sworn off relationships. Eventually, I pursued and what I thought was going to be the most awesome relationship, turned out to be chaotic. A lot of things had negatively transpired. I was dealing with people in his life who treated me like absolute shit and he didn't defend me. I felt like I was reliving trauma from my previous relationships, more so, the ones from my parents who also never defended me. After a year of crying and begging, I had a breaking point and yes I could've left, but fear of abandonment. I also believe that he is my person and knew that we could through these obstacles and we did, but other things would come up. During my healing, I had learned to communicate better, to advocate for myself but it felt as though my efforts were not being heard or taken seriously and so we would fight. It was a cycle that kept repeating and I felt really lonely in the relationship but still believe(d) they were my person. I believe(d) that I could get through to them. I believe(d) that I am worthy of love and that I should give this a shot, but to what extent? Do I drive my crazy? Do I unlearn everything that I had worked so hard for? Eventually I did and went back to my ways of rage, depression, impulsivity. I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like despite my efforts of using the new skills I had learned, it bit me in the ass and it truly made me feel unworthy. I had worked so hard to love myself and to advocate for myself that within the chaos I had lost all of it. It reminded that I suck, and that I am a terrible person, and constantly asked, "what's the point?" It eventually led me to the hospital.

I've always felt misunderstood., rejected, lonely and empty. I live in paranoia, flight or fight mode, constantly feel threatened. I've wanted to take my life several times, but could never get myself to do it. I now realize that it's not that I want to die, but I don't want to exist.

On 8/20/24 I had volunteered myself at the McLean, the #1 hospital in the country for behavioral health. I was there for 10-11 days. My life was different within those 4 walls, I felt seen, understood, was in a trauma unit with 10 other women who were also dealing with the same issues and I felt cared for. I made friends and also cried, got mad, but gave myself grace and knew that I could overcome these traumas and manage my impulsivity, mood swings, self-sabotage, explosive rage, disassociation, feeling of emptiness, just to name a few. I don't want to feel these emotions. I don't want to have major depressive disorder, anxiety, chronic ptsd and bpd. I don't want to rely on medication. It's exhausting.

I want to so desperately heal my inner child. I want to feel heard, I want to feel seen and I want to be loved. I want someone to choose me and love me unconditionally. It's always been me taking care of me. I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to take care of me in the way my parents were supposed to. I want my inner child to be healed. I want to laugh and be happy.

[sunkissed-mogai]

hi! oky so i want to know why you support endo systems? not that i think your wrong for thinking so, im not for or against them bc i dont rlly feel like i have enough reason to take sides yknow.

bc basically all ik abt the pro side is just "support good faith identities" and all ik abt the against side is "the actually do have trauma or theyre faking" and i want to have something else yknow

so ye! im sending this to a couple blogs that are both pro and anti, so i can get both side yknow what i mean. anyway ill leave you alone now haha

we support endo systems because they go through the same thing as traumagenic systems where the symptoms and the struggle are concerned. not that they deal with the horrible flashbacks and the triggers, but that they deal with the headaches, the switches, the dissociation, the memory loss, the confusion and terror of not knowing who they are.

they're taking nothing away from traumagenic systems by existing and they deserve the same support, love, and resources that we do. and even if there are fakers, they're few and far between, and unless they're doing something really horrible like claiming all systems have killer alters or something else like that, they're not hurting anyone.

the brain is so complicated that we cannot possibly know everything about it. endogenic systems can very well be backed up by science. there's a huge chance that we just don't know enough about brains to know how they'll work, and maybe we never will. just because traumagenic systems have been proven by science doesn't mean endogenic systems won't be.

to sum it all up? endogenic systems have the same struggles as traumagenic systems with their disorder. and i don't necessarily mean all traumagenic or endogenic systems here, but that's a whole other can of worms. living as themselves is taking nothing away from traumagenic systems, just making OSDDID more mainstream, so more people will know about it, and maybe recognise their own plurality. that 1-3% figure is so incorrect when you take into account everyone who wasn't diagnosed or wasn't able to be diagnosed because of race, gender, age, etc etc. in fact, i think that making systems more "popular" is a good thing.

there you go, anon! if you have any questions, feel free to follow up!

[spinyax]

fusion au part 2: electric boogaloo (part 1 here)

featuring Man O' War and fusion origin stores (under the cut bc i get Wordy lmao)

Man O’ War -

Chip/Jay/Gill

They/Them

Surprisingly stable for a 3 person fusion

Bioluminescent (the tops of their coral/antler crown, the tops of their fingers, plus some designs on their wing/fin(???) membrane i have yet to make

VERY fast swimmer, the arm wings/fins help

real big, they cant be formed on the boat

unless they're formed bc of an emergency they'll just kinda sit and enjoy existing

they don't really talk (they're never in a situation where they really need to tbf) but if they did they’d have a funky voice overlap

their name is based off the portuguese man o' war (animal), which aren't one animal! it's a colony of multiple little animals and i feel it really fit for a fusion. also the man o war (ship) was probably the last thing you'd ever want to see (and ever would see) as a pirate

---

some fusion origin stories bc i got some words in my head i need to get out

Osprey

first formed before they met gill, probably the night before they left jay’s island

Jay snuck out at night to the beach to hang out with this random bastard that’s been hanging around the tavern bc he seems lonely and she feels weirdly drawn to him

Idk how it comes up, but chip tries and fails to mimic jay’s dance she does at the tavern, and she tries to correct him, dancing with him

They accidentally fuse and turn into Osprey, who’s very confused

They stand up on shaky legs and hobble over to the water to get a good look at themself, meanwhile internally jay is freaking out

They get a look at their face and audibly say “damn im fine as hell” before immediately unfusing

Jay freaks the fuck out and runs away, leaving chip in the sand with a lot more emotions that he’s used to dealing with

The next night, chip comes back to the tavern and before jay can tell him to fuck off he tells her he saw some of her memories about drey and that’s he’s looking for him as well, along with the rest of the blackrose pirates

They run off that night

I have an idea for how osprey meets gill but i don't have the Strength to write it out rn

Thresher

Post episode 16: chip/gill fought and made up, but things are a little shaky between them

Gillion approached jay one night and asks about fusion, since he saw chip/jay fuse a few weeks ago (scenario i haven't written out yet) and he was curious about it

I don't know if i want to make fusion a Surface thing or just an unspoken/taboo topic in the Undersea but gill doesn't know much about it for that reason

He says he’d ask chip but he’s still unsure if he can truly trust chip with cultural knowledge anymore

Jay internally sheeshes at that last part at tells him what she knows about fusion

Gillion asks if the two of them could fuse and jay says it’s unlikely (fusions are usually done between super close friends/lovers. Osprey is an outlier and should not be counted) but there’s no harm in trying

They dance

I imagine it’s kinda like medieval line dancing, all stiff and formal. Gill is taking it Super Seriously and jay’s trying not to laugh

Jay trips and gillion rushes to catch her, and they form Thresher

Cut to chip, who’s asleep but wakes up when a shadow looms over him and a clawed finger pokes his face, then he opens his eye and screams (think about him waking up to amanda) bc holy shit that’s a demon (they do be lookin kinda bad tho :fuckboy emoji:)

The hot demon doesn't move, and slowly chip feels like he recognizes it? Those fins look familiar and hey isn’t that jay’s pin- Oh Fuck that’s a fusion

He lets out a shaky “hi” and asks if they're a fusion. Thresher kinda tilts their head like a puppy then nods. He asks for their name and they let out a growly “Thresher” that does nothing to help his current state of fear (or arousal). He tells them to go on the deck and figure out more about themself, it’s not everyday you make a new fusion y’know. They nod and grumble something in a demon-sounding language (primordial but chip doesn't know that) and go back up deck

They unfuse later that day and ask chip what they thought of thresher. He says they were ok

Actual feelings: he was Afeared and Aroused and feeling Many emotions that he’s not ready to process just yet.

(Bastard) Moray

Ill be real im open to any/all ideas for moray’s origin story (and moray in general) bc i feel like i have the weakest grasp on his whole deal

Takes place during some fantasy arc that happens off-screen (yes im aware that the crew really haven't been together for long but i simply ignore canon sometimes)

They're raiding some island cave for treasure and good news: they found it and have it on them. Bad news: it triggered a trap and now they’re running for their lives from a cave-in

They’re about to make it out when jay rolls a 1 and trips just before the exit and gets covered in rubble (with one arm out for the Drama of it all)

Chip and gill freak out and try to dig her out with their bare hands with little success, and then freak out more

(WAIT A SECOND GALAXY BRAIN IDEA)

Chip gets an idea and grabs gill by the shoulders

Chip: fuse with me

Gill: what???

Then chip fuckin dips him back and kisses the fuck out of him

Both get nat 20’s (obviously) and fuse into Moray

Moray spends the first few moments of his existence excited bc wow!!!!! He’s alive!!!! but then realizes Oh Shit, Friend is Trapped

With terrifying strength he lifts the rubble with two arms and extracts jay with the other two. She’s bruised and unconscious, but breathing so Moray takes that as a win and heads back to the ship.

A few hours later jay wakes up and goes onto the deck to see Moray doing whatever the fuck moray would do and gets super confused

Moray sees jay and goes !!!!!!! :D and runs over and picks her up bc friend ok !!!!

jay's fuckin dying bc on one hand she's happy the two of them fused but on the other hand oh god he's a handful (and he's holding her up with one hand what the fuck)

the two of them spend the rest of the day figuring out what moray can do (stuff i havent thought out yet lmao)

[in-your-heart-shall-burn]

So, I do think part of this misunderstanding probably comes from the fact that the banter was so bugged/strangely designed in Inquisition that unless someone knew and was playing with mods, they probably wouldn't hear all the relevant banter. But the Blackwall and Solas things are actually directly addressed in their banters with Cole, like a few people have mentioned in the comments - put under a cut since it's pretty long!

(per the Dragon Age Wiki Cole Dialogue Page)

(Occurs after Blackwall's personal quest.) Blackwall: You, who heal the helpless... you're not angry about what I was hiding? Cole: You never hid from me. Cole: "Mockingbird, mockingbird." Too many voices in the carriage. Maker, they're young. Cole: If I tell my men to stop, they'll know it was all a lie. Cold, trapped, heart hammering like axes on a carriage door. Blackwall: Stop. Please.

The 'Mockingbird, Mockingbird' thing is a reference to a banter they can get before Blackwall's personal quest, where Cole sings a little song that Blackwall seems to recognize.

And then another banter even directly talks about the fact that Cole kept his secret:

(Occurs after Blackwall's personal quest.) Blackwall: Cole, if you knew what I am, what I'd done, why didn't you tell the others? Cole: Everyone hides dead things. Everyone pretends. You wanted to fix it. Blackwall: I'm a murderer. Cole: You don't want to be. You made a new you. You are Blackwall. You killed Rainier. Blackwall: If only that were possible. Cole: You would stand between Rainier and the carriage. But you can't. It doesn't work like that. Cole: So you carry the bodies to remember. Blackwall: I suppose I do.

As for Solas, as guessed, it's addressed that Solas can manipulate Cole. I thought there was a more explicit one somewhere, but I can't find it (something about Cole saying that something Solas was thinking about slipped away from him - so if anyone can find that one, let me know), however there are these two:

Cole: You are quiet, Solas. Solas: Unless I have something to say, yes. Cole: No, inside. I don't hear your hurt as much. Your song is softer, subtler, not silent but still. Solas: How small the pain of one man seems when weighed against the endless depths of memory, of feeling, of existence. That ocean carries everyone. And those of us who learn to see its currents move through life with their fewer ripples. Cole: There is pain though, still within you. Solas: And I never said that there was not.

and:

[Solas] "He hurts, an old pain from before, when everything sang the same. You're real, and it means everyone could be real. It changes everything, but it can't." [Solas] "(Solas speaking through Cole) I'm sorry, Cole, but with your gift, I fear you might see the path that I must now walk in solitude forever. This fate is mine alone. Indeed, I would not wish it on an enemy, much less someone that I once cared for. Though you reach out in compassion, I must now insist that you forget. (Cole now speaks) I'm... what were we talking about? I'm ready to help people when you are."

I couldn't find anything re: Iron Bull with sacrificed Chargers in Trespasser, but I think what a few people have mentioned in the replies with the thought that it's not so much a hurt as just. emptiness. following orders at that point. Not much of a stretch to presume, in my opinion!

I wish the banter was triggered more frequently in the base game, because there's so much interesting stuff in it, especially with Cole's banter.

CONFESSION:

Something that has always bothered me about Cole is that, he knew about Blackwall and Solas’s secrets and never once thought it would be a good idea to mention it. Also during the Trespasser DLC if you scrificed the Chargers, a little heads up about Bulls betrayal would be nice. Solas I could maybe get, he could probably block Cole out of his head. But why not the others?

[stanbillyhargrove]

Ghosts Chp 10

Billy x Katrina

A/N: this is a multi chapter series that will contain smut, angst, fluff, substance abuse, MENTIONS OF DEATH

Katrina's POV

"I see dead people."

Billy's eyes narrowed, "excuse me?"

I bit my lip and lowered my eyes to the ground, "I can...see ghosts...and memories."

"You were gone for ten fucking minutes and you were able to get your hands on drugs? Are you serious?"

"She shot herself, right?"

Billy stopped and stared at me as I continued, "your dad tried to hit you but she put herself between you, cracked her head on the counter when she fell."

"How...I didn't..."

"She was in so much pain, Billy. She was just a shell of herself most of the time so she made sure she would be alone and she found your dad's gun."

I could see the hurt and confusion on his face and the way his chest started to heave with heavy breaths. Behind his shoulder stood Olivia, hair loose around her shoulders and swaying gently with the slight breeze.

She nodded when I met her gaze, "go on."

"She put that gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger. But she wasn't alone. You heard everything, saw everything."

Billy's jaw clenched, "who told you all that? Max? Steve?"

"Olivia did. And when you were telling me about her, I could see bits of your memories."

He shook his head, "that's impossible."

"That's why I freaked out when I saw the picture. I grew up being told I was crazy, that the people I saw were hallucinations. When you showed me the picture, I knew they were real, all of them."

"I don't...that is crazy, you know that, right? Someone had to have told you about her, that's how you know all this."

"I know it sounds crazy but I swear, I swear it's true."

"This is insane," he mumbled, "why can you see her but I can't?"

"I don't know, Billy. I was just born like this."

"Who else?"

"What?"

He crossed his arms, "Who else do you see? I need more proof."

"There's a girl, Ally, she likes horror movies. She keeps to herself mostly, just know she killed herself. Susan has been following Max around, can't handle how tangled Max's hair gets. And...Elle is the one I was always fighting with...my fiance."

Billy smiled wistfully at the mention of his stepmom, "Susan used to have to bribe Max to brush her hair. Wait...your fiance? I thought you ran away from her? That you were in an abusive relationship or something."

"No, she died and I was running from that. I thought if I left then I could leave the pain behind too but she came with me. She was amazing though," tears burned my eyes as I talked about her, "we were planning our wedding when she died."

--

He was quiet for a moment, letting everything sink in, "come back downstairs, everyone's gunna have a lot of questions."

"Wait...you believe this?" Max looked at her brother with a scowl.

"She knows things. Things that she wouldn't know unless she was telling the truth."

Max turned to me, "how did my mom meet Neil?"

"Max," Billy murmured, "we already know."

"Yeah, we do. But she shouldn't! None of us talk about them to anyone."

I looked across the kitchen at Susan, who was standing against the counter with Olivia at her side. Two women who couldn't be more opposite but connected by the same man.

Olivia laid a comforting hand on Susan's arm with a smile.

I listened to Susan's story and repeated it for everyone to hear.

"I met Billy first. He was seven, Max was only two. I took her to the park one day and this little boy with wild blonde curls came barreling up to us. Talked my ear off and let her hold his hand to keep her steady while she walked around. Talked a lot about surfing," she smiled, laughing a little, "I loved him right away. Then Neil came to collect Billy. He was gorgeous. Tall, dark and handsome. Very forward. Asked me if Max's dad was around, told me Billy's mom had died. We started dating right away, married within the year."

Billy's cheek had turned pink hearing about himself as a child but his jaw tensed as soon as Neil was mentioned.

Max had tears in her eyes when she looked up from her hands, "that's exactly how mom used to tell us the story. Why...how?"

Steve exhaled hard and I saw him shiver when Susan crossed behind him to stand between Billy and Max.

"Wait," I mumbled, "Steve. Come here, I have an idea."

His eyebrows scrunched but he stood up to come closer to me, "what?"

"Remember the sleep paralysis? I was touching you when that happened and you just shivered when Susan walked by you. Maybe, if I touch you, you'll see I'm telling the truth."

I grabbed his arm and watched his face drop in disbelief.

"No fucking way," he murmured, rubbing his eyes with his other hand, "she's telling the truth. They're here."

Billy reached out and grabbed my arm, frowning when he couldn't see anything, "why doesn't that work for me?"

"Steve's special," Olivia cooed, "sensitive. That's why he can feel us."

Steve smirked, "your mom says I'm special."

"Special's one word for it," Billy grumbled.

Max ignored them and stared hard at me, "what happened the night she died?"

"Max," Billy warned, "don't."

"Don't what, Billy? Nobody told me anything other than Neil crashed the car."

"Cause it's my fault, Max!" He blurted out, "they were supposed to go out and he told me to stay home and watch you. But I didn't want to and we started fighting before they left. It's my fault he started drinking and crashed the car."

Susan shook her head, "no, hon, it's mine and Neil's fault," she looked to me, pleading, "please, tell him it's not his fault."

I started repeating what she was saying again.

"Neil was so hard on him. Made him believe everything was his fault, beat him for it too. I didn't know until after we got married, he hid it from me. When I finally found out, I tried to take us all away from Neil but I didn't have any money. He kept it all and only gave me enough for groceries. I started buying cheaper versions of some things to scrape together some money but I was too slow. That night Neil was taking me out as an apology for yelling at me the night before. I told Neil that Billy had plans with friends, that we could find a different babysitter, but he wouldn't have it. Neil went on a rampage, screaming at Billy until I told him I was going out with or without him. At the restaurant he started drinking and just kept slamming them back, never stopped until the cheque came. I never should have let him drive...but he slapped me, right there in the parking lot. And I was so tired...tired of fighting so I just gave in. Let him take the wheel...it was my fault. I'm sorry, I should have done better. I should have stepped up sooner."

I looked over at Billy, saw his jaw clenching before he turned and stormed out of the apartment. A teary eyed Max ran after him, leaving Steve and I alone in Billy's apartment with Olivia and Susan.

"Maybe I should have kept this a secret," I murmured.

Steve wrapped his arm around my shoulder to give me a light squeeze, "it's just...a lot. They'll come around, just give them some time."

@charmed-asylum @champagnesugamama