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iampikachuhearmeroar · 3 years

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y’know the wildest thing still to happen to me on this hellsite was my first experience of sexting, sans nudes, that was done in front of at least 250-500 followers because of those horny anons i had in early 2013 when i was 17. instead of being exposed to it on my phone privately with a partner at that age, it was done publicly for the internet to see lmao. i remember begging the anons to stop and “come off anon” because i was “losing followers” at the time too bc i was so insecure about my follower count lmao. and then yeah when they came off anon they were both 28 years old.

to write the responses, i just consulted cosmo mag sex pages for ideas hoping that the anons would like the options i chose. in one i detailed doing anal- a sex act i hadn’t even done yet irl- let alone every other thing i suggested in them (head, idek long, drawn out foreplay, some stupid fancy sex moves that cosmo was all like “use these moves to spice up your sex life 🔥🔥”, sex in a bath, i’m pretty sure i had some lines about tying or handcuffing them to a bed (????) etc etc etc)….

when again, i had never even done any of those above sex acts in real life. i was a naive teen who was incredibly shy in regards towards her love life because she’d “never been kissed” and had never had the “hot emo boyfriend whose in a band and is covered in tattoos” she’d always wanted, let alone even a boyfriend that she had actually fucking liked (ie clear braces boy, for like a month in year 9/2010 vs the popular boys that made fun of her, that she always had unrequited crushes on)…. hell, my blog title when i first started on here in 2011 was “the perfect epitome of being forever alone” because of these very reasons. but here she was, writing explicit sex acts to strangers like she knew what the fuck she was doing, to an audience of 250-500 people- and then to fucking grown ass men in inboxes. i was just parroting the shit i’d read in cosmo (both sex advice and sometimes excerpts of erotica/“sexy, steamy reads” they had some months) and also heard repeatedly in the porn that my high school stalker/creeper at public school loved to show (harass) me with to flirt with me, whenever we were alone together at school in 2012/2013.

like you could tell how naive i was….. because i used ridiculous lines like “like a gentleman entranced, you lead me to the bath for our next foray” and dumbass prose-y things like that. because what the fuck does that even mean 😂😅????

and this is why i think minors should be careful with their online experiences. like yeah, you could say that i wasn’t a minor anymore- more of a “young adult”- who should of made the smart decision to not engage with these anons. but i was a kid. i thought it was fun. and when the dudes came off anon, i thought to myself “it’s not like i’m ever gonna meet them if i ever go to the US or puerto rico at any point. it’s not like that they’ll ever recognise me in person or ever reach out to me again in the future. i might as well do it.” and i did eventually end up ignoring the guys in my inbox, due to my mental health kinda plummeting from the middle til the end of 2013 because of my end of high school exams and stuff… and also the puerto rican guy’s infamously inappropriate “hot PE teacher fucks HOT female high school student in the girls change room showers” fantasy which fucking disgusted me, when he full well knew that i was STILL IN high school.

and obviously again, there’s the point about using the “block” button function. but as i’ve stated several times over my years on here, back in my early days of tumblr, i never wanted to block or unfollow people (even if they were trash like these two men), because it seemed so “mean” and “final”. obvs now i have no qualms about blocking people, and actively encourage younger people on here to use the block button with reckless abandon towards creepy people or people who can hurt them in some way. but to high school teenage me, the whole “using the block button” thing seemed to go against me being a “nice girl/person” so i never used it, no matter which social media platform i was on.

this is why i’m hella scared for young teen girls on tik tok wanting to have onlyfans accounts: because it’s where they’ll be exposed to ACTUAL CREEPS AND PREDATORS incredibly quickly; all because they can make money off selling images of just their feet or eventually their body….. depending on what these creepy strangers demand from them….. and they’ll feel like they’ll have to do it…. but to do it before you even start experimenting properly with relationships and sex is even worse. like. yeah. i’ve admitted before that i originally started this tumblr to possibly post nudes, to see if i’d get the positive feedback that i so desperately wanted/craved from the boys in my year at catholic school- eg. to be called “sexy”, “hot”, “fuckable” possibly “beautiful”- like some of the so called “popular girls” got on their hella basic bikini photos back then (like i remember one girl i knew ended up with like 500 likes and a fair amount of comments on one of her bikini pics and i was INCREDIBLY BITTER because not even a pic of me with a nice outfit on, my hair done and makeup on could EVER get those numbers, let alone even break over the double digits).

but i decided posting nudes or other explicit images on here was an absolute no go, because i realised that i never wanted people that i knew digging up barely clothed/naked pics of me and sending them to me all like “hey, is this you?” and then possibly mocking me, all because i would’ve been dumb enough to put my face in them probably at the time. now when i take nudes and send them, i never show my face. because i know now, that even in relationships, your partner can use nude pics as leverage for arguments or to abuse you in such a way that they’ll upload your pics without your knowledge to god knows where on the internet probably as a way to get back at you in a horrible breakup.

this is what i sincerely hope some young girls who ever contemplate starting onlyfans accounts take some time SERIOUSLY CONSIDER. please know that if you share shit on onlyfans, it can shared and re-shared (i think idek how OF works tbh) to god knows who- and eventually end up in the hands of people you know. i don’t fucking care if it’s a “good way to make money!” or if people think that im trying to stop teen girls from being “girl bosses” and the other dumb as fuck internet memes you want to throw at me. because this shit isn’t “haha internet meme funny” material. it’s some fucking serious stuff. and also, i’m not saying “don’t become a sex worker when you’re older” or whatever either. you’re free to make that choice when you’re in your 20s (no i even mean 17-19 year olds in this post as “young teen girls”- sorry you’re basically kids to me at almost 26). just please consider where the fuck your stuff can be shared to. who it can end up being shared with or to.

this is why i was so fucking adamant with my infamous old follower mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF that i personally would NOT consider becoming a camgirl for him or just generally… because i had no idea where the fuck my images or videos would end up. and do you know the places i’d never want them to fucking be??? in the hands of my high school stalker/creeper. in the hands of those two 28yo men from 2013 (who’d now be in there late 30s or early 40s). i absolutely don’t want them in the hands the mid-to-late 20s and early 30s men that that girl i met at public school in 2012 who was pissed that i didn’t believe that were “adults” because we were finally over the legal age of consent (16) in our state of australia, and so we were apparently fine to “fuck” literal grown ass men because “just fuck them and they’ll be nice to you!!” which i knew was fucking bullshit.

i absolutely don’t fucking want explicit videos/images of me ending up in “why the fuck won’t you let me give you “sex lessons” in the back of my car as a “favour” and as payment for teaching you how to drive you stupid, stuck up & frigid, virgin bitch!?” guy’s hands from 2014 (when i was 18/19 at the time and he was 25… he ended up being the first person of many i’d EVER block on social media lol). or i don't want them in the hands of those weird early 20s dudes (one of which was trying to set me up with his friend) who hit on me at 16/17 (2012) who were angry that i didn’t like and watch porn as much as they did…. and who promptly asked me at the end of their period of harassing of me: “do you know any sluts we could add?” because i kept refusing their suggestions etc.

hell, quite frankly i don’t even want them to go to mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF either, but the very few and far between nudes that i sent on snapchat to him back in 2016 are some nudes that i’d rather forget lmao. hell. i don’t even know if MAF ever deleted my nudes or shared them somewhere else or not, after he fucking wheedled them out of me with “i’ve followed you for 4 years, don’t be a shit! you owe me nudes!” so he’d just shut the fuck up about my social life decisions and leave me the fuck alone.

i don’t want ANY ONE of the guys i mentioned above to get their hands on photos of minors either…. because i definitely know my hs stalker/creeper would… because his fave “make her jealous” tactic that he’s always used on me is that “hey…. i’m dating a *insert teenage girl’s age here*! be fucking jealous that you don’t fucking have me and feel guilty that you won’t fuck me like this girl does!!!” just like he did in 2015, when i ran into him on the home from uni… when i turned 20 the next week and he turned 20 that december. at that time it was a 14yo girl he used as an example of him “dating”/“fucking” to make me jealous. instead, i was completely and utterly fucking disgusted. like any fucking sane and normal human being would/should be at that horrible age gap. that is literally a fucking child that he was fucking grooming. and we were literal adults. back the fuck away.

just please. PLEASE CONSIDER the types of people that trawl these kinds of sites and their intentions. please consider that you are young. very fucking young. you literally DO NOT need to upload nudes to the internet because it’s apparently a “lucrative” business. fuck the jokey “boss babe” rhetoric around it all the way to fucking hell.

because if you’re a minor: i do not want you to have your first experience of sexting or sending explicit images literally in front of god knows how many total strangers for the whole world to see (okay i know only fans is like subscriber/follower based or whatever. but i don’t care)…… even when you (depending how good you are with relationships etc) haven’t reached the common supposed milestones of your “first boyfriend/girlfriend/partner” or “first kiss” or have even “lost your virginity” (which isn’t real anyway- don’t buy this fucking bullshit)…. just like i stupidly did with my exposure to sexting here on my tumblr back in 2013. these people don’t/won’t give a flying fuck about your privacy or safety. they don’t/won’t give a fuck about your boundaries either.

please don’t possibly scar yourself for life, just because you’re being told that it’s a quick & convenient way to make some money for weirdos on the depths of the internet. you will regret it in future. just like i do now with mine. it should’ve been something personal between me and and a guy i trusted and liked at the time. not to some random 250-500 random strangers on this hellsite (okay the notes on these posts were literally single digits or non-existent, but still… and also some of my irl friends who had tumblr saw these posts as well) for a show….. and then privately with two 28yo literal grown ass men…. who should’ve been fucking hitting on women their own goddamned age and in their own countries and NOT a 17yo high school KID (at the time) from australia; who, now in her 20s, needs therapy to sort this shit out lmao. mind you they both reeled me in with the “you’re so mature for your age” bullshit line…. which i fell for a little bit, even if it did make me feel kinda gross at the time, too. don’t fall for that bullshit either.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #relationships i guess #internet stuff #this went in a bigger direction that i thought it would lmao #but anyway

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #446

“so you can throw me to the wolves / tomorrow i will come back, leader of the whole pack”

Favourite cheese? American. Superman or Batman? I know literally nothing of Superman, but I like Batman. Who are your best friends? The only person I consider a best friend is Sara. Name the 3 most important people in your life: My mom, Sara, and... I suppose myself since I cherish my mental health VERY deeply. Are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments? No. Do you know anyone who is overly flirty with people? Girl or a boy? In my personal opinion, yes. I do believe it's possible to be "overly" flirty, considering you can really lead people on. It's a she. Do you believe vampires are real? Not the stereotypical Twilight kind. No. Have you ever been to a porn website? Were you addicted to it afterword? No. I'm really not into that. What is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? I think the most disgusting thing anyone can do is commit rape. Would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? Which one seems best? I feel teleportation is obviously more convenient and useful in dangerous situations. Have you seen the movie Twister? Did the tornadoes look real to you? LKJFL;AKSDJFKLASJDLFKA;WE NOOOOOOOOOO. I am WAY too terrified of tornadoes to watch that. Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? Hurricane Floyd was pretty devastating. I was too young to really remember it, though. Did your mom ever fix your eggs and bacon into a smiley face as a kid? She probably did. What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? BOJANGLE'S, AHHHHHHHHHHHH. Do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet Earth? I mean, it's possible, but I don't know. Do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? I didn't know they stopped. Does it bother you when people burp around you or do you do it too? I couldn't possibly care less, it's a natural bodily function. Just because of societal standards though, I don't burp in public, though, but only around family and close friends. What is one kind of music you’d do anything to not listen to in the car? Anything like rap that has a STUPIDLY loud bass that just annoys everyone within a ten mile radius. When was the last time you babysat, if ever? Did anything bad happen? A year or two ago, for my nephew. No one else was free to watch him, so I had no choice. Nothing bad happened, besides nearly having a panic attack. Do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? Or is that weird? No. Even Sara and I don't do it, because I'm too self-conscious of how I look. Even though she's seen me plenty before irl. Would you ever consider becoming a scientist? Why would you or why not? Well, I majored in biology briefly... I wanted to be a wildlife biologist. I just adore animals and thought I could do it. I just couldn't handle school. When is the next time you’ll talk to the cousin you’re closest to? I'm not especially close to any of my cousins. Are you really into vintage things? Have you ever been into that stuff? Yessss! is writing something that you enjoy doing? Definitely. Would you rather read or write? Write. Would you rather draw or take photographs? If I wind up being very proud of the product, I prefer drawing, but I take pictures far more. When was the last time you cheated at something? I have no clue. Has anyone ever copied off of your homework assignments? I think so? Do you have any pictures of celebs saved to your computer? ... *stares at my folder labelled "Mark"* What would you consider your favorite holiday? Why is this? Christmas. I love the whole vibe of it. The weather, the smells, the treats, my niece's and nephew's excitement... I adore all the lights and decorations, the gratefulness for family and your loved ones in general... I just love Christmas. If you’re a girl, do you have big hips? Too big? I'd say my hips are normal. Girls, do you think you look good in dresses or not? God no. Not anymore. Have you ever taken a pottery class before? Nope. How many times have you seen Star Wars? Be honest. Once. I didn't like it. Has your best friend ever made you cry? Yes. But in her defense, we've both made the other cry. Have you ever entered a talent competition? God no, I ain't got shit to flaunt. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? Yes. If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark colour or a light? And if you wear mascara, what colour is it? I only ever wear black for both of those. What is your favourite Christmas movie? Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. What do you get complimented on the most? My Markiplier tattoo, actually. What do you think of your best friend’s ex? One I REALLY don't like, the other I'm neutral about. Are you biracial? No. Do you have Pop-Tarts in your house right now? No. We try to not buy them, given they're just TOTALLY empty calories. They don't fill me at all. Is anyone’s birthday coming up? No. Does/did either of your parents serve in the military? No. Do you like sour candy? I LOVE sour candy. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Alaska, to see the Northern Lights. Do you usually wear sunglasses when you’re driving? I haven't driven in well over a year. Hell, maybe two. But no, because I'd need prescription sunglasses. Ignoring nutrition, could you live off veggies for the rest of your life? God no. Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yeah. What time do you usually have dinner? 5:30-6:30, usually. What’s your favourite meat? Chicken, I think. What is your favourite meal of the day and why? Breakfast. I just enjoy breakfast foods. What colour is your shampoo? White. Tell me a silly little old wive’s tale you believed when you were a child: My older sister got me to believe that if you said a word a ridiculous amount of times, it'd be the only word you knew how to say anymore, lmao. Shut up, I was little. What was the last magazine you bought? Do you subscribe to any? I don't buy magazines. Whose Facebook profile did you last look at? Was there anything that caught your attention? Uh, that's a good question. Do you regret your last relationship? Not at all. What’s better, mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes? Mashed potatoes, though I'm picky with them and the texture. Did you ever used to make cookies, cakes, or pie with your grandma? No. Do you like kids? Not especially. They ask too many questions and can be really rude, even though I know they usually don't mean to be. What are you listening to? I'm watching Gab Smolders play Dino Crisis 2. I finished her playthrough of Final Fantasy X, so now I feel a void in my soul that I am trying to fill with a new series lmao. Do you burn incense? Not really anymore. I'm not against it, I just... haven't. What is your favorite kind of cracker? Cheese-Itz. Can you name a single song by Billy Joel without looking it up? Yeah; I can name a few, actually. My dad loves Billy Joel, so I heard him a lot growing up. "Piano Man" is a classic. Do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]? I actually really like the Jolly Rancher ones. Have you ever been kissed while sitting atop the hood of a car? That's actually possible... but I'm not sure. I think I have a faint memory of lying on a car hood with Jason before. What do you think is the dumbest/tackiest piercing? I don't like calling a piercing either of those, like if they make someone feel more confident and attractive, good for them. I can say I'm personally not a fan of the smiley piercing, though. Have you ever requested a song on the radio? No. When I was a kid at a birthday party, though, one of the girls did. Does your mother still take care of you if you get ill? She helps a lot, yeah. What is one song that always brings back memories every time you hear it? Honestly, too many. I attach way too aggressively to songs. Do you currently have any pimples? Not currently, no. Did anything disturb your sleep at all last night? Ugh, yes. I couldn't sleep for shit. How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? I have only seen one picture of Jason with the girl he dated after me and it. Set. Me. On. Fucking. Fire. It's pathetic. If you’re not in college, why? All it did was give me emotional breakdowns. What do you think about MTV? I am way too out of the loop on what goes on on any TV channel to answer this. What was your very first day of your very first job like? What’d you do? How long did it take you to get the hang of it, and feel comfortable with working? This was waaaay too long ago... All I remember is actually being hopeful, though nervous. I never got to the point of feeling comfortable there. Or at any job. If you have a dog, are they friendly to strangers or other dogs? We don't have a dog, but we do have a cat that is EXTREMELY skittish around strangers. Someone he doesn't know comes through the door? He's bolting to hide. Do people ever comment on or joke about your driving? Well, I got flipped off once by a driver, so... I'd consider that a silent comment. I, to this day, don't know why they (it was a group of guys) did it, but it's stuck with me. What was the last thing to move you? Are you easily moved or inspired? The ending of FFX alsdkfjkaljlkwjer. And yes. If you`ve ever seen your very favorite band, did you cry when you saw them? Was it like a dream come true? If you`ve never seen them, do you think you would? I haven't, but I probably would a little bit. Of all the reality competitions you’ve watched, who are some of your all-time favorite contestants and what shows were they from? From America's Got Talent, I adore(d) Landau Eugene Murphy Jr., as well as Prince Poppycock. I keep up with them both on Facebook. Ever had a friend named Alex or John? One of my closest online friends was Alex. A couple years ago she just... got a boyfriend and fell off the face of the earth. Are you happy with your relationship status? I mean... no, I'm ridiculously lonely, but being single is for the best right now. What kind of stuff do you like on your hot dogs? Just ketchup and mustard. Have you ever been in a spelling bee? No. What is the most annoying thing that your parents do? Mom absolutely always assumes she's right. Dad repeats himself like CRAZY. Would you say you’re someone who has good manners? Yes. Did you parents know what gender you were before you were born? Actually, the doctors couldn't determine mine (or any of Mom's kids') because my legs were ALWAYS crossed when they did ultrasounds. Mom says she "knew" I was a girl, though. Have you ever been addicted to something unhealthy? I'm addicted to caffeine, yes. Who makes the best desserts in your entire family? Hm, I dunno. Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? I have very severe sleep apnea that results in very violent nightmares almost any time I sleep without my APAP mask. Even WITH the damn mask, I have them a lot. When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? *shrug* Do you have trouble reading small fonts? Yes. I used to find it aesthetically pleasing, but my vision is just too bad now, even with my (shitty) glasses. Do you know anybody that believes that magic/witchery truly exists? I think so. Do you find watching animals in their natural habitat to be exciting & fascinating? Absolutely!! The last time you had sex: did you want it, or did the other person want it? ... You know it's supposed to be a mutual desire, right?? What does your sibling(s) call you? "Britt." Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? Maybe? I'm unsure. Did/do you believe them? Hell no. I don't believe in psychics and believe people who claim to be so are manipulative pieces of shit. Is anything annoying you right now? I am bored to an inexplicable level askldjfla;wejlr. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Yeah. Anything in your room that you’re hiding from your parents or someone else? No. Have you ever felt abandoned? Well yes. By definition, my dad abandoned our family. Where are you? I’m in my bed. What’s been the worst part of this day? I've just been so, so bored. I'm sick and fucking tired of dealing with anhedonia. Who last encouraged you to better yourself? My therapist.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''throne'' by bring me the horizon

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selfcareparker · 4 years

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okay fghsgdj yes you can say girl ! my pronouns are she/her :) okay but fr pause, i read this like 3 minutes after you posted it (or at least my notif said 3mins lmao) bUT IM IN BED AND I USUALLY HAVE MY COMPUTER OPEN WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I MAKE SURE I ADDRESS EVERYTHING AND THEN SEND IN THE ASK ON MY PHONE HDGSJSH anyway, time to get my ass up 😔 but wait i find you so funny like honestly, reading that cracked me all the way up. and i feel the “lol” thing so hard!!!! idk why i do it all the time (i’m tryna stop) but i’ll say something with lol at the beginning and lol at the end... it might be a defense mechanism at this point lol (😔) AND (i need to stop with the uppercase too it’s not funny anymore) I DONT KNOW WHY I LAUGHED SO HARD JDHSK WHEN YOU SAID ALSO AGAIN HAHAHAH LIKE UR HAHHAH also my sleep schedule is not pretty either lmao but i’m homeschooled so i never have to get up for anything? hhdhsis idk but i’m glad you slept!! you need sleep!!

also (pls no i cannot) why did i not know what ykwim meant until i reread this?? like it makes so much sense- anyway! i think it’s so cool that you’re excited for university! idk why but i do lol like you’re getting ready for the future (masters degree and all that) & you’re (maybe) going to england anyway so that’s cool haha (hopefully when you go you can see your relatives 🤞🏾)

the fact that you get happy seeing my asks i- 💓💓

you make me wanna go to London & England so bad urghhhh like i’ve only been out of the country once (to Canada for a family reunion) but it sounds so prettyyyyy & i’m so sorry that cov*d is messing everything up and i hope you can see your relatives soon :(

now to address the whole english speaking/writing: I FIND THAT SO WEIRD DUHSKSJ i don’t know how an english speaking person could say that if you don’t write it 100% grammatically correct.... that it’s wrong? when literally, over here at least, WE’RE SO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT HAHHAAH in both the way we talk and write!! and lol you’re welcome,, AND THE PARAGRAPH DID MAKE SENSE HDHSJSH & your rant is fine because... that is actually a bit ??? bc no one writes with 100% grammar lol

OH MY GOSH (see this uppercase thing is addictive) YOU STUDIED LATIN FOR 6 YEARS??? that’s really cool 🥺 the way that you know/speak 3+ languages i- NOT EVEN 3+ LIKE 6+ (german, english, latin, french, serbian, italian, and everything that comes with latin lmao) even if it’s just a tiny bit like wowee. it is really fascinating!!! i had the opportunity to take latin and i... didnt. i took art instead BUT ONLY CUZ MY FRIENDS WERE IN THAT CLASS AND ART LOOKED FUN IM SORRY

PLEASE WHY DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE?? that sounds so fricking cool tell your mom (mum or mama it’s really fine lol) that she sounds awesome. i think Jamaica would be fun either way!! i mean it looks pretty from pictures? i was a baby so i honestly have no recollection hahaha

LMAOO NOT U SAYING THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS- PLEASE GIRL IM TELLING YOU I VERBALLY LAUGHED HAHAHAHAHAH but yea you really don’t need to apologize i like reading everything you say 🥺 HDKSHS AND UR FINE WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT ME BEFORE uhhh hmm uhh lemme think i, well, i saw chaos walking yesterday (big tom holland fan over here) and it was alright.. my mom acted a fool at all the jump scares LMAO but it was funny... since i’m talking about movies (this is hella random i know) but i like shark movies HDKJSSJ my favorite is the meg (it’s so good ohmigosh) and the 47 meters down movies aren’t bad either... i have two younger brothers... iiiii AM IN LOVE WITH MUSIC PHEW anddd i’m homeschooled (i think i mentioned that lol) i think that’s a good amount ahahaha AND IM HUNGRY RN JDHSJ

now. please. let me address the edit. i just want you to know that.. when i talk about your fics and i finish them and everything i’m not looking for more? like obviously if you’re writing i’m gonna read it but you don’t need to feel pressured or anything (idk if you do) to put more fics out lol like they’re great and i’m just sending the praise bc i love the ones that are there :’) but i’m so happy you’re working through your writers block!!! yay so so happy for you!!! and PUHLEASE anything you write is fantastic, i feel the exact same way when i write but girl. you’re fine. it’s gonna be great. (idk if this made any sense but... okay)

(and my cousin calls her mom mama so it’s really okay hahah i even call my mom mama sometimes) (and where you got the number “16 sentences” beats me but i still cracked up) (is this me pretending i had tags? maybe) HAHAHAHA OK BYE ❤️❤️ why did this take me so long to send i have no clue, AND WHY AM I OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I SAID SHAJSHSJ ANYWAY BYE btw i love us too... like iconic // lovely anon 💓

me reading this:

also the dedication you put into sending me stuff— like with the laptop and phone and ahsksk 🥺🥺🥺

i’ll update you when i’ve started uni btw, i’m getting more and more excited every single day haha but i still have 3 weeks until it starts and even then I’ll obviously have to get used to it and everything, but you’re making me even more excited about it sksjshsg

yeah i wanna go to england too dkshsh let’s be sad together over the fact the we can’t travel eksjsh😔😭 but hopefully the wait will make it even better in the end <33 also i talk to loads of relatives over the phone at least once a week so it’s not too bad for me! but i miss their house 😭lmao

and i knowww snshsh so many native english speakers just make so many mistakes— and obviously i get that some things are slang but some things are simply wrong ajsh, the thing is no one has ever told me that my english is bad (i know it’s not bad anyway, but i’m still insecure) or no one has ever pointed out any mistakes, but yeah it’s mostly just insecurity dkshsg but yes thanks for saying what you said (previously as well as in this ask)😌🥰

Okay now for latin— girlll i don’t blame u for choosing art over latin esp. when all of your friends are doing art as well!! I’d choose art over latin as well lol skshsg but in year 6 we had to choose between latin and french, and at the time i didn’t like french? which was dumb of me and now i wanna learn french ekdhs but i don’t regret choosing latin at all bc if i properly learn french one day then i’ll already know understand loads of stuff (or at least some stuff lol) just thanks to latin 😌😌 but still, art>>>latin skskshshgs

I wanna watch chaos walking too!!! But i don’t get when/where/how it’s out lmao, cinemas are still closed here so i’ll either have to wait or find it somewhere online... il*egally 🥰 i don’t have high expectations at all btw but i like daisy and tom and the dog🥺 so i think i’ll enjoy it

GIRL SHARK FILMS SHARK FOLMS SKSJSHSHS okay so there are a few classics i haven’t watched yet, and also a few new ones that i haven’t seen yet BUT I LOVE SHARK FILMS SO MUCH SKSHSGSGSKK the first like proper shark film i ever watched was the shallows (which i like but my brain is still too small to comprehend what happened at the end (i mean i get it but i just can’t imagine it— idek if you’ve seen the film but skshhs)) and after watching it three times it does get a bit boring (but now whenever i see pictures or videos of big waves i’m just waiting for a shark to show up like come ON SKSJSG

^^^that pic/scene really traumatised me sksjsh but i still like the film

I only watched jaws like a few months ago, and i get that it’s a classic and also that it’s old and they just didn’t have the best.. equipment or special effects or whatever but i mean... look at meg and then look at jaws.... no disrespect to jaws at ALL but the meg is so much cooler. (That one scene on the boat where the shark just JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER AND SKSJSHHSUSJHA i get such a shock every time it’s so good (and the dog aww aksjshssli 🥺🥺🥰 and the boy with the ice cream lmao he’s iconic)

47 metres down, wow, i liked that film too. (i’ve only watched the original/first one i think) i mean that is such a fucking nightmare scenario like ALSJDHSNEMSKDJSHSJSKWBALSODUEWBSLDKHDJSNSKSKSHSGEBWKAISGSHEKEKSKLDJDJDHDHSHAGGA (that’s the best way i can express my feelings about that scenario lmao)

oh and i’ve recently been watching more horror films but i don’t know if they’re for me... I like the thrill and whatever but i just end up being scared for my life when i have to go to the bathroom at night or when i’m trying to sleep bc suddenly my mind is flooded with all the scary shit from the films 💀💀💀

and music i mean... you know those people who just don’t listen to music? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? i honestly like all genres especially in the last year, i am IN LOVE with Nicki Minaj + Megan andddd Stormzy and i like Harry Styles but i prefer his first solo album (and obviously one direction has bangers i have a throwback 1D session at least once a month), I also love MGK especially his new stuff and otherwise i mostly listen to german artists lmao. So who do you like?💖 (WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOURE GONNA SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SKAHAGUS IF YOU LISTEN TO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MUSIC DONT JUDGE ME AJSHDJS) (i know you’re not gonna judge me but)

++ @ the thing you said about writing, don’t worry, i don’t feel pressured at all!!! (not by you and not by anybody else.. except myself sometimes lol) and i’m just very happy that you liked my fics 🥰🥰🥰 and if i start telling people that i’m writing a fic then sometimes it puts a bit of (healthy) pressure on me. like yes sometimes it really is writer’s block, but sometimes i really am just lazy ddkshhd so now that i’ve told you i’m writing a fic i might get my ass up quicker than i would if i hadn’t told anyone 😌😌😌

#ok i wrote some if this on the tube/on the bus/at the dentist/in bed so if this seems like it’s all over the place #that’s bc i was literally all over the place skshg #*of #also i love how you used tags skajahsg #lovely anon #<3 #sorry if some of the sentences didn‘t make sense or were too fucking long i wrote half of this half asleep #and i know i dont have to apologise but still like no one should have to read all my page long sentences that arent even proper sentencesskk

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bunnykass · 3 years

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INARIZAKI AS FEELING IVE HAD WITH GUYS IN HIGH SCHOOL

this was supposed to be funny but became very reflective and sorta emotional for me. therapeutic tho😌

TW: mentions of underage n*des, cursing, grammar and spell errors

KITA - the senior in my law class freshman year.

He was country, would wear cowboy boots to class and levi’s (i live in texas). He was a eagle scout. very sweet boy. always brought coffee in those cups to class,and he drove a range rover. i’d share sunflower seeds with him all the time and id make fun of him cause instead of breaking the shell and eating the inside, he’d just eat the shit whole. but like i said he was 18 and I was 14. more of crush we never really did anything, one time though he did argue with me on snapchat about immigration and the annexation of hawaii. He had a brother who was a freshman, and in the beginning of the second seamstress I would flirt with him but again me and never did anything.

OMINI - my freshman english teacher

(tw mentions of sexual assault, grooming, teacher-student relationship)

LMAOO. i had just gotten really into lolita (gross🤮) and so I would literally talk to older guys on the internet (one time i met up with marine even though I was like 15) ANYWAY, so when I started his class i was like damn we about to have a ezra and aria shit. he was super nice to “pretty girls” and “pretty boys” what I mean by that if you weren’t the beauty standard, he was kinda a dick to you. one time he pissed me off though cause he lost a assignment, made me re-do it but only gave me a 70, and i lost interest in him after that. he also accused me of defamation of character because i found his mugshot and was showing everyone.btw he was accused of SEXUAL ASSUALT??? but apparently the mugshot was fake or wasn’t him i don’t remember. he never counted me late or absent tho

ARAN - my best friend

been friends with this kid sense 8th grade. He was in love with this girl though that was leading him on all though out middle school but i really had a crush on him by the time high school started he had gotten over her. when we were freshmen’s he told the whole football team I was a whore cause i wouldn’t send him nudes (i know this sounds bad but i promise it wasn’t plus this was 3-4 years ago) so we didn’t talk to each other till summer going into sophomore year. me and him are still friends and we literally hang out almost every weekend, i love him and he’s loves me. he’s very thing i’d want in a boyfriend but because we’ve been friends for so long doing intimate things with each other like sex seems weird. While we both wish we could be in a relationship we both realstically know it wouldn’t work :(. <3

GINJIMA - my freshmen boyfriend

had fallen in love with me when like school started but like my best friend aran said, i was whoreing’ (not really tho cause i’m still a virgin) so when he asked me to homecoming I was like no. but eventually through out the school year me and him got closer we had like 3 classes together, 2 of them were back to back so we were jus cute like that. my first legit relationship, he was nerdy as hell and the biggest fucking dork. my freshmen year I was what the yt would call a hot cheeto girl and i weighed a lot more back then and he was 6’2-skinny white boy so we fucking looked like glora and melman from madagascar. were like discord moderator and daddy’s kitten shit. he was funny but he was really mean to me and because i was very insecure at the time i lacked setting boundary’s so i’d just take it. he also bought me a roku which i still have today, he was always buying me shit, and i taught him how to take dick pics. he was the first guy that didn’t just like me for my fat tits but i felt like the only way i could keep him around was by oversexualizing myself which ultimate let to him breaking up with me :( honestly no hard feelings though we were both like 15. him an his current girlfriend are so cute, and me and him are cool.

this is a conversation we had a few weeks ago.

SUNA - my yubo boys

my take away from being in highschool is guys do not give a shit about what you look like or how you’re built, unless they’re insecure, and also self-worth. I got on yubo my sophomore year and had it till my junior year. if you don’t know what yubo is its essentially a teen dating app. now i never went to meet these guys irl i have friends who did... and i just want to stay ted bundy would’ve had a field day with these hoes but would engage in online sexting. which ig is illegals cause i was still under 18. at this point in my life i was just so insecure and seeking male validation that i was throwing ass for people over the internet to people i would never meet. this isn’t one person either this is a collective of i don’t even know how many boys. i feel sick thinking about this but i cant take it back and i just have to encourage my sister and potentially future daughters about this.

Miya twins - my tower moments

these two, like the miya twins are very similare but different. I consider them both tower moments because after them two i change completely how i viewed myself and life. if you aren’t familer with tarot the tower card represents sudden and necessary changes usually the situation tends to me negatives and the outcome following is good. these two are also my most recent compared to the other and i’m still dealing with them today which is why i wanted to give a lil intro. idk if yall believe in astrology but those two have gemini in there big 3 and idk i feel like that has a lot to do with our situationship

OSAMU- my theater teachers son

so technically majority of our relationship was middle school but it carried into high school.he was so mean to me up until 8th grade like i said he was my theater teachers son, and he hated her class. at that time his family had so many issues and i think he didn’t have a outlet. my brother had died around the same time so i too was going through shit. while our issues weren’t the same he definitely confined in me a lot and trusted me with so many things, i don’t think a boy/guy ever just laid everything on me like that and it wasn’t in a “be my therapist” kinda way. he fucked up though, we were in musical theater behind the stage in a closet. his mom was just a couple feet away in the audiences teaching class. me and him were talking per usual, and without a warning he put his tongue down in my mouth. and tried putting his hand down my bra. i was so fucking scared i had never been touched like that. it was my first kiss and i didn’t even tell him he could do that to me. i obviously stopped taking to him after that until the summer going into freshman year when we started sending nudes back snd forth. i don’t like to blame people for my problems but i think i began to hyper sexualize myself because of him. when i wouldn’t send him shit he’d block me, ive finally outgrown him as i now my self worth know occasionally i’ll unblock him and hang out with him for fun but it’s nothing serious. he’s stuck on me like tic though and always bring up the fact he kissed me once in 8th grade 🙄

ATSUMU - my “twinflame”

he was a year older then me and i met him on snap chat that should’ve been a red flag. we started by sending nudes but eventually we started to develop feelings however as soon as things got serious he’d pull out. when his relations with other girls wouldn’t work out he’d always come back to me during that time together he’d love bomb me. take me on dates make out with each other in front of hobby lobbies on sunday, my happiness started to depend on if he talked to me or not and this went on forever. by the time quaratine happened he blocked me because he got a girlfriend? idk if that’s why he blocked me but i assumed that eventually he unblocked me because pussy that good. i gave this man so much power over my life that when i took it back i truly learned by self worth. i will never tell this man this but because of all the shit he pulled on me i’m actually confident. i don’t regret meeting him. occasionally he does try to pull his shit on me and i play along with him. i think the reason i can’t let my gemini boys go is because i’m too scared for a relationship but i know that no matter what they’re both their for fun 😌.

#inarizaki #tw #aran ojiro #kita shinsuke #osamu miya #atsumu miya #suna rintarō #ginjima hitoshi #haikyu

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humanemotionssuck · 4 years

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Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

#quaranthings #just quarantine thoughts #2020 #bye2020 #new year

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5sosbitchfest · 4 years

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Alrighty, Nonsters. We currently have 290 Asks in our box! As much as we might try, I know there is NO WAY we’re going to be able to get through all of them. Everything exploded this weekend when MessyGate went down! I don’t want to ignore any asks just because I already answered a similar one. So, I’ve tried to gather as many similar Asks as possible to let your your voices be heard. Y’all are definitely NOT alone in your feelings. Get ready for a lot of opinions on Messy’s Twitter Drama.

Also, if you sent in an Ask and we haven’t answered it yet, please feel free to resubmit it! I do try to scroll through all of them but it is a daunting task and personal stuff and work make it difficult for me to get through everything in a timely manner!

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Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I’m really disappointed in Luke and this band in general, the way they deal with things. “honest policy” with messy? So he knew all of this and it was okay? Or he confronted her on this and he is okay with what she has done? I’m not sure this whole thing would be a deal breaker for me, but it certainly would make me real mad at my SO and some whiny excuses wouldn’t be enough to make things alright. Radio silence would’ve been much better than that story he posted, made himself look like a fool.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: These girls will sooner or later become their downfall if their management or them does not realise they should rely on other things than bringing relationship up front to sell their music. I find it extremely bad that they are behaving as if nothing happened, I hope there will be changes once touring will be possible again and we won’t see these girls tagging along everywhere or being brought up in interviews all the time but somehow I’m not counting too much on that.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I wonder if Luke knows everything that Messy got exposed for or just the parts Messy wanted to show him. Bc Luke said in his Story that he wasn't online lately so maybe he wasn't on Twitter too and Messy just showed him the parts that make her look good and he still doesn't know that she spoke bad about Ashton or how she stalked the fans also after she knew that they didn't hack his email adress cause he wasn't on Twitter so he couldn't see the screenshots.🤷‍♀️

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm just waiting for the day one of them date someone who isn't a part of their circle. tired of them passing around the same toxic girls.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: These girls are just digging a whole for these guys and they want be able to get out of it soon

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: It was a chicken move for Sierra to do it as a reply and no one has talked on twitter that she deleted it because they probably think her deleting it is saying it wasn’t true

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Am I the only one who thinks that guys really only heavily interact with us when they want to promote something or say something about the music? I do understand they have lives so being on Twitter isn't number one priority and with all the drama that surrounds this fandom its very easy to not want to be online a lot, I just can't help but feel that way

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm talking about this messy situation (no pun intended) with my friend and she said to me that Messy should consider changing her career if she can't handle that not all people are going to like her. (that ofc doesn't include any form of harassment bc that's not cool)

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I really don't know how to feel about the Luke situation. At first I was upset and disappointed of Luke but now I almost pity him bc real or not either the management would want Luke to defend her or Messy. And I think Luke isn't the kind of person who would stand up against the management or Messy (even though it would probably be better for him if he would). And most people don't realise when they're in a toxic relationship so I can't really blame him. I just hope this ends asap.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I literally was so angry and frustrated with Luke and this whole situation yesterday that I couldn’t even look at him on my home screen, I had to change it. It’s really a disappointing thing to witness. Whether management put him up to this or he genuinely believes this toxicity is okay, I’m just very grumpy with him at the moment. He deserves better and WE (the fans) deserve better.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I think Luke really needs to be in a relationship with sb who either isn't famous and doesn't want to be or with someone who is famous bc they have a successful career too and who doesn't need Like to be famous.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I’ve only seen a few accounts on Twitter who are attacking Messy and Crusty to the core and exposing every bad thing they’ve done with receipts for the sossies defending them! I’m happy that karma is finally getting to those con artist who think they can get away with anything

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: that recent lierra picture is photoshoped lmao. if you look at Sierra's hand you can see color coming off from it and her arm looks hella weird.her forehead looks hella weird and look couldn't have taken the picture because I doubt that he could stretch his arm that far and make a perfect picture. also we haven't even seen Sierra's face so I still don't believe they're together

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The Lemon pic was like a punch in the face (even though Petunia and Luke are looking cute there). But I've been asking myself lately if Luke has seen the whole drama going around on Twitter or just the posts Messy wanted him to know so the ones who make her look like the victim (and not the ones where she insulted Ashton or she made it clear that she stalked his fans). Cause Luke said he hasn't been online lately.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I mean we dont know how much of the story he truly is aware of and how much s changed to fit her narrative and get L to feel bad for her. Plus he was under pressure from management to do damage control and not standing up for his gf is a very bad look for outsiders who dont understand why she's at fault. It was a pretty neutral statement and he was obviously told to make the post so I dont blame him and just blame her more for putting him in the situation in the 1st place

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I wonder how much toxicity happens behind the scenes, we know S is very manipulative and L is very much a people pleaser so.. and with how much they have to sell their "love" and "happiness" in the relationship. Minipulation is a powerful thing and it could explain why hes out of touch with reality, especially lately since he's isolated with her and doesnt have the voices of the band to raise any concerns and he's been getting skinny again and seems very "meh" rather than happy, idk

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I feel so disconnected with this fandom rn. I feel like no one is streaming CALM and that makes me sad bc it's such an amazing album. The boys aren't even online anymore, everyone is mad at each other and now Luke comes up with this shit... tbh I wish I would wake up tomorrow and see him tweeting something like yeah I'm sorry about my ig story I still love y'all lmao

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Wait wait wait wait ive been gone from the fandom for a little while now and what the fuck is going on with Luke and S? What did S do that she made a fake ass apology for?? I’m so lost please help me! 😂

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm seeing a lot of my mutuals unstanning and I'm just so mad bc Sierra started this drama and got Luke into it and I'm sad that people are leaving bc of this, it's just too much toxicity and it shouldn't affect the band and their connection with the fans but with Luke saying this he makes it seem like he supports the ugly things she does

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I am a Luke stan and I've always loved him bc he has inspired me so much through the years but when he does this things it's like...damn. I feel like he's invalidating the fans' feelings by being like "if you don't like my girlfriend, ur fake" like he has never noticed me on Twitter or anything but my biggest fear is to be blocked by him or just ignored bc I don't like her (although I never expressed it publicly) n yeah anyways :// It feels weird

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Going back and re-reading the DM’s messy literally confirms that she accesses Luke’s account by saying “we couldn’t get in” or some shit like that

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I hate being a luke stan, sometimes it just seems like he doesn't care? he always puts these toxic gfs before the ones who adore him and pay his bills. might just move into Cashton's lane. unproblematic kings.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: He literally posted a picture of him cuddling her and petunia within the hour

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The saddest part of this situation is it’s like a repeat of Arzaylea. Luke has no idea what a respectful, mature relationship is. We saw it with Arz and were seeing it again it’s just a little bit different. He stays being controlled and manipulated by toxic partners. I really think homeboy needs to be single for a WHILE and focus on himself. He needs to unlearn the things his past and current relationships have taught him about love because if I know anything, it’s that this ain’t real love.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Is it bad that I just want the larzaylea drama back?? Like everyone could at least agree on their feelings then...

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Just checked messy’s insta and of course, everyone that still supports her filled her tagged with just the single picture

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I feel like the reason Sierra is getting away with what she’s done is because she isn’t that known. Like yeah she’s associated with 5sos, but they’re also like not that big which is probably why it’s getting swept under the rug. I’ve only seen the 5SOS fandom calling her out for her actions. If this had happened with a well known celebrity, they probably would’ve been dragged and been trending on Twitter. I might be wrong but I feel like this is what’s happening which is just unfair.

#kirby #luke #lemon #messy #messygate #messy's twitter drama

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faimalogirl · 4 years

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Testing the waters... or floating in it

Dating apps... not really my thing but with the past year being life altering in addition to a pandemic, i thought, why not? lol Seriously, that’s what my answer was to many people.

I have never been a fan of online dating, or swiping right OR left on people, or blind dates but many of my friends and some family members are concerned about my love life... or lack of. But because life has thrown me curve ball after curve ball, I decided that I am going to give it a shot.

I want to be clear, I am perfectly content with being single, and feel that when it happens it happens. But for some reason other people are not, as if them being in relationships makes me feel incomplete. Couldn’t be any more true. I feel like that person in the movie, who is loving their life or at least liking it, and everyone including the dying grandma keeps trying to match her with anyone of the opposite sex, and because it’s been a while they sometimes offer to hook her up with someone of the same sex. And not that I’m offended by it but I am completely strictly dickly lol.

I have my reservations about dating apps because honestly, it’s weird. It’s scary. It’s risky due to Corona virus... and did I mention I have cancer? No? Well I do.

I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer last October, and after completing my round with radiation, I am now getting ready to have a FULL HYSTERECTOMY to remove the remaining tumor. For some reason in my mind, I feel like part of my womanhood is being taken away, so while I still have it, I figured i’d “test the water.”

Now, I know I don’t have to tell people that I have cancer but there are other things that worry me about dating. To put it kindly, people are freaking weirdos.

I have been on a few dates with different guys, and let me tell you how different things have gotten since my 20s. So for all my respectable and intelligent women/men out there wanting to try dating here are a few suggestions:

1. Doesn’t need to be said but apparently for me it does... MEET SOMEONE IN PUBLIC lol

My first date with BOY1, he offered to take me on the lake, just him and I on his little motorboat. Now as romantic and “Notebook” worthy as this sounds, I was excited. I was ready. We’ve been texting back and forth for a little over a week. But the days following up to our date got me thinking... What if I don’t like him? What if he’s crazy? And I’ll be stuck on a boat with JUST HIM, in the middle of the lake, until it’s over. So please, meet in public and not in the middle of the lake.

2. Anyone who asks you to send “sexy pics” is just asking for a quick hit it and quit it. NOT that I did it. But I was alarmed by how many d*ck pics were sent to me without request, or want (If you are into that, more power to you but that’s not something I want to see) LOL

I was texting back and forth with BOY2 who thought I’d be impressed by his “romance” through the phone. Kept asking me to send him photos every day. I didn’t mind, sending him a photo here and there of me going out, playing with my dog, or just random. I think I literally sent him three. But once the “sexy pics” requests got to be more, I told him I needed to at least know him and go on a couple of dates before any of that happened. And guess what, we went on a date, and for the most part it was fine. Then, when the insinuation that we were going to “hook up” back at his place didn’t happen for him, he became needy and kept asking “what went wrong?” or “are you mad at me?” or “why am I leading him on?” I told him I’m not that girl and he said okay. So, I ghosted him after he asked for another sexy pic, I sent him a gif of a hippo lol and left it at that.

3. Be okay with saying no. Whether it be to a date, a picture, an exchange of phone numbers or social media, it’s not your job to make someone happy when you are not comfortable.

I didn’t realize it until it happened, but when BOY3 suggested that I come lay with him after one “hello” I quickly let him know I wasn’t that easy lol. He got defensive and was just like “I just think your beautiful and I just say what I want.” Of course he used a few colorful words to get his point across. And I told him he can take his words elsewhere. Although I feel like a prune lol I also feel like woman are made to feel like we need to coddle boys who don’t know how to talk to women with respect. I mean, could you at least say “Hey how are you?” Now some people told me that’s just how people talk to each other, and I said, “well I guess I’ll be single forever.” And I don’t mind. I am not going to lower my standards, or compromise my comfort for someones lack of respect. If that’s how you want to talk, then find someone willing to put up with it. It ain’t this girl.

4. Never, and I mean NEVER stress about how you look for your profile picture. Don’t put too much stock into your filtered photos. Honestly, I put full body photos up, even though a lot of my friends said they would never do that. I put some pictures that had sc filters with the ears, or regular photos up. I put a little bit of me up.

I am a very confident woman who understands her flaws. With all my plus size happiness and glamour, I knew I was just having fun. Plus if he don’t like you sweetie, you don’t need to worry about him. Because you’ll never meet him lol. Now, with that said, sure I have my moments where I feel crappy. But I just feel if you aren’t happy with who you are, you won’t be secure in a relationship. And since I was just “testing the waters” I didn’t really care of which photos were there to be judged. Or so I thought...

BOY4 was kind and sweet. He was also a very handsome man who apparently loved big girls (his words not mine) he made me feel very comfortable. He’s 6′6, and we all know your girl is a sucker for a tall man. He was also fit in a sense that you could tell he worked out but not so much that he was ripped. I had my reservations about meeting him, because I thought I was being cat-fished lol until we exchanged numbers and sent snaps to each other before actually going on a date. We have gone on a few lunch and dinner dates here and there, still talk to each other, but I am slowly pulling away because of the last advice.

5. Know what you want and respect what others want. And always be honest about your intentions...

After talking back and forth with BOY4 and sharing things. You quickly get to know someone. Although I would never force myself or my views on someone, I expect the same respect. BOY4 started to share a little about what he wants for his future. You know, the whole finding someone to marry, travel with, and have kids...

I can’t have kids. Remember the whole living with cancer and getting ready to have a hysterectomy? For those of you who don’t know what that means, it just means, as a woman, my surgeon will be taking away my baby making machine. Now, I’ve accepted my future and I know that that’s not the only way to have a child. But I also know that these types of conversations are hard for some people to grasp. I would love to one day meet someone, get married, carry a child, but that’s just not the hand that was dealt to me. That’s also not something that I can hide from someone and trick them into understanding after they’ve developed feelings for me. So I was honest with everything... at least surface base. But we’ll see what happens from here on out...

Also, just to let you know, I’ve deleted the dating apps. It’s not for me. I know many people who’ve married people they’ve met on dating apps/sites but I just don’t think it’s something for me. Also, if I have another friend who keeps setting me up on blind dates, I am going to have to think of getting new friends lol

#shessingle #dating #datingapps #single ladies #loveyourself #real life #cancersucks

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diningpageantry · 6 years

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Gay Vampire... Gampire?

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43207382

Chapter 5/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 1099

Chapter Summary: Joking conversations turn into genuine affection, blurring the lines of intimacy for the two boys.

SIMON

gaystrell: i'd be shocked to find out you don't look like a mountain troll

bi-sammy: t

bi-sammy: take that back

bi-sammy: coward

bi-sammy: bold words for a man who probably looks like a cryptid

gaystrell: you know i can't even argue against that

gaystrell: my friends say i look like i'm a step off from being an actual vampire, so i can't say i don't look like a cryptid

bi-sammy: wait

bi-sammy: you what

bi-sammy: im actually cackling please tell me youre kidding

gaystrell: all but the teeth, baby

bi-sammy: thats so fucking funny holy shit what

bi-sammy: your new name is vampire

bi-sammy: gay vampire

bi-sammy: gampire

gaystrell: you know how easily i can hit block, right?

bi-sammy: oh no! mr. gampire threatens me!

I keep a hand clasped over my face, snorting quietly. In attempts to be quiet, I hope the hand over my face is silencing enough that it doesn't annoy the other visitors (or get me kicked out).

The tiniest part of me wants to ask something I've wanted to know for a while, but the rational part of me is too scared to ask. How do you even bring that up? “Hey I know we're online pals, but I have no idea what you actually look like. Would you mind flipping on that little camera and snapping a pic? Just real quick? So I know I'm not mad and slightly crushing over a faceless arsehole who gets me to laugh like crazy?”

gaystrell: what, do your friends not say you look like something ridiculous?

bi-sammy: what friends?

bi-sammy: i mean penny. she says i just look stupid.

bi-sammy: i dunno i just. look like me?

Impulsively, I click on my camera app and stare into it. I look a lot of things.

I look tired. Hungry. Overworked. Constantly on the verge of a fit.

I look like a disaster, that's what I am. An unkempt, clueless disaster.

bi-sammy: i dont look at myself too often, honestly

bi-sammy: i wish i had friends to tell me shit

gaystrell: what about parents?

bi-sammy: hah

bi-sammy: you mean davy???

bi-sammy: have i really not told you this before?

gaystrell: no..?

bi-sammy: im a foster kid

bi-sammy: im in the system

bi-sammy: really don't know fuck shit about my parents

BAZ

Something in me stops, cheeks flushing as I suck my lower lip into my mouth. The text bar blinks, seemingly taunting me. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to help him.

I… want him to be okay. I want more than that. I want him happy.

Why am I such a fucking softie for him?

Why can't I solve this?

gaystrell: who's davy then?

I leave the message, and wait. And wait and wait and wait.

It's fine, though. I know he's sort of busy, and he goes around and does a good bit throughout his day. Still, I leave my vibration setting on as I turn on my telly, mute it, then work on writing.

Eventually, he pops back up.

bi-sammy: foster parent

bi-sammy: not for long though

bi-sammy: its hit the road once im 18

bi-sammy: its okay tho im gonna find a flat with penny and it'll be fine

gaystrell: does he even care for you? how long have you been with him?

bi-sammy: years

bi-sammy: he likes his foster cheques but ://///

bi-sammy: hes shit i guess but i try to ignore him

bi-sammy: he doesnt hit me so i just remind myself to be happy about that

bi-sammy: that and not being in a home

gaystrell: that's not very comforting

bi-sammy: its not bad i dont mind

bi-sammy: why whats your family like

What is my family like?

gaystrell: complicated.

gaystrell: not terrible just

gaystrell: nothing it's not as bad as your situation i have no reason to complain

bi-sammy: no wait no im serious im curious dont feel put down by me

bi-sammy: shit sorry i dont wanna be a downer shit

gaystrell: don't apologize it's fine

gaystrell: it's just…….. strange for me, that's all

gaystrell: my mum died in an accident when i was five and my dad remarried when i was seven

gaystrell: i have some half-siblings, but they're all pretty young

gaystrell: we're just ridiculously posh and have too much money

gaystrell: and life got all odd when i got diagnosed

bi-sammy: diagnosed???

gaystrell: i have hemophilia type a

gaystrell: pretty shit case too

gaystrell: i have to be careful and all that so dad just pulled me from school a few years back in case

gaystrell: i online school, you numpty. that's why i'm always online

bi-sammy: shit

bi-sammy: fuck youre right

bi-sammy: that makes a lot of sense shit

bi-sammy: fuck thats some bullshit

bi-sammy: how do you interact with people?

gaystrell: i don't.

gaystrell: i have two mates, and ones my cousin

gaystrell: the other is his “totally and completely, absolutely straight” friend

bi-sammy: you have me

gaystrell: don't be a sap, snow

bi-sammy: im serious im your mate

bi-sammy: i care about you baz

The changing pictures of the television screen flicker on my face as I stare, barely able to swallow.

I should tell him. I need to tell him. It's too much--I can barely take knowing it myself.

Opening a note file, I throw it all out. Every word I need to say.

shit, i care about you too. too fucking much. to the point it's weird, probably, and im nearly sure you don't feel the same, but shit. simon you're so bloody fantastic and i think about you a lot and you're one of my only friends. i feel so guilty never being enough for you, but just thinking of you makes me soft.

i know i've never said this, but i want us to keep this. the talking. the constant contact. i want to see your face--i know im mean, but i bet you're actually gorgeous. i want to verbally talk to you. i want to reach through my screen and hold you. i want you to know how much i care, simon, because i do care. i care too much.

My jaw sets, eyes scanning my words once. Twice. A third time.

It aches like a flame, burning my chest. It's too much to say. Not enough to hide behind. It's blunt and out there, and the truth. I don't like it being the truth, but it is.

It so unfairly is.

I look at our chat, scrolling up and back down before typing out a quick cop-out.

gaystrell: i care about you too, simon

#it's a handheld disaster #carry on #snowbaz #fic #fanfic #fanfiction #mine #simon snow #tyrannus basilton grimm-pitch #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #baz pitch #simon #baz #heeheheheheheh

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ronyxfic · 5 years

Text

Educating the Victim - Act VI, Intermission IV

Pairing: Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond

Rating: Mature

Warnings/Tags: emotional abuse, fatphobia

INTERMISSION: The Happiest Place On Earth

“Okay.” Rose set down her bag after coming back from the toilet on the train. “Can you tell me where we’re going now?”

She could guess, really; they were on the Eurostar, and there were only a few destinations that made sense at this point.

“Are you taking me to Paris, Roxy? This is a weird time for a big romantic gesture, but I still appreciate it.”

Roxy gave her a cheeky grin, the kind that used to dazzle Rose just a few months back. "Listen, I know it's been a few rough weeks for you recently, and that I haven't been the best girlfriend to you. So I'm doing something nice for once, alright? It's going to be a chill weekend, you're going to feel revived and then maaaybe get back to work?"

Rose smiled and sat down next to her, leaning into Roxy. “I’ve always wanted to go to Paris, secretly,” she said, “and you’re the first one to take me. It’s sweet.”

Roxy nuzzled her back. "Yeah, well, don't get too used to it. I have a reputation to uphold. But... I think this will be nice. The accommodation is super and we'll be able to do everything there."

“So... what’s on the schedule? Sightseeing? Wine tasting? Did you scout out some nice restaurants? It’ll be nice to have some good food for once.” Rose gave Roxy a peck on the cheek. “It’ll also be good to spend some time with you. You’ve not been around as much as I would’ve liked the past few weeks.”

Roxy tensed up a little, frowning. "Ah, well... it's not quite... that. But no, I've not given you as much attention as I'd like to. I've been busy with... my flatmate and you've just been so reluctant to want anyone for company. But we've got each other now!"

Rose gave a hesitant smile. “Yeah, it sounds nice. It feels like it’s been ages since we actually spent time together.” She leaned in to Roxy, closing her eyes.

Roxy watched her, and then ran a hand through her pink locks. They were longer, softer than her own. “Well, everyone’s going to know we’re together, too. Can’t believe I convinced you to match with me. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to get another gir... someone else to do that.”

Rose gave a chuckle. “I like it,” she said, “and I’ve wanted to dye my hair for ages. You still think it suits me, right?”

“Um, well, pink doesn’t work on everyone.” Roxy clicked her tongue, and then gave a sly smile. “But it certainly does on you. If you want, we could even make the carpet match the drapes.”

Rose blushed deeply. “I’m not so sure about that, Rox. But, uh. I’m open to it if it would make you happy, I guess.”

“Hmm?” Roxy’s touches became more firm, her fingers untangling curls before tugging her, just sharply enough to draw a shocked breath from Rose. “And here I was utterly convinced you liked a little pain down there. But, no, I do suppose you’re quite sensitive to bleach. Oh well. There’s been a new trend of chicks dying their armpits online. Mostly tumblr folk, though, you know I don’t mix with them.”

“I’ve never been on tumblr so I wouldn’t know.” Rose shrugged. “So when do we get to Paris?”

"In a couple of hours." Roxy seemed a little tense for a second. "And you're really not missing out. Just crazy teenager bitches thinking they can outdo the feminism we've been building for decades, and somehow only to include men. They're all insane."

“Yeah, sounds like it’s better not to get mixed up with that,” Rose agreed. “The entire thing is too political for me. I have bigger worries, you know.”

"You do! Like picking out which Rosé will go with the dinner we're having tonight." Roxy pecked her cheek before pulling out a chunky portable DVD player. "And look at what the cat dragged in, too. I brought some films, just for the trip."

Rose rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. “I mean, that, and my dad dying of cancer,” she said, “but films are important too. What should we watch?”

"Oh, shit. Sorry." Roxy said, but was preoccupied by looking through her bag. "Hmmm. Inception. Stuart Little... how did that get there? Avatar... That film was so unmemorable for something so big."

“It was pretty impressive in the cinemas,” Rose said, “well, at least visually. We can start there and see how far we get?”

"Alright, I can strap myself in for this snoozefest." Roxy seemed visibly disappointed, but didn't say any more.

Rose read her body language perfectly. She shrunk in on herself. Why even bring it if it’s obviously the wrong choice?

She busied herself with putting on the movie and let out a soft sigh.

Roxy read into the sigh and put her arm back and Rose, less intimate. "Is there a problem?"

Rose cast her a glance. “No, it’s fine. Let’s just watch the movie.”

Roxy gently tossed her arms up into a shrug. "Whatever, babe." And pressed play.

Most of the train ride passed with them watching the movie in an awkward silence. Rose barely even dared to look at Roxy.

Well fuck me if this is the way this weekend is gonna go.

Their silence was broken about twenty minutes before the journey ended, as Roxy got herself up. "Gonna take a leak and get some grub. Want anything?"

“Some tea would be nice, I guess,” Rose said. “Aren’t we eating when we get there?”

"I suppose, but that's not likely to happen for a couple of hours. We need to catch another couple of trains when we get to Paris, unless you want to eat at the station." There was a sort of scoff in her voice.

Always eating, this one.

“Oh. Are... we not staying in the city?” Rose didn’t miss Roxy’s tone.

"Not exactly. It's kind of a surprise."

Rose raised an eyebrow. “Taking me to Paris isn’t enough of a surprise?”

"It is in Paris." It was Roxy's turn to look a little sheepish. "Just trust me, yeah? It's going to be nice."

Rose softened a little. “Okay. I trust you. Do I need to wear a blindfold or something?”

"That won't be necessary. I'm sure you'll be able to tell soon enough, anyway."

“Alright then. You just lead the way when we get there. And... I wouldn’t mind getting something to eat.”

"Of course you wouldn't. Want something sweet? Crisps?"

“Actually, I was more thinking like a sandwich.” Rose blushed a little. “But... maybe I just won’t have anything. We can eat when we get there.”

"Probably a good idea anyway!" Roxy was already making her way down the train cart before turning on her heel. "Were you the one who likes milk and no sugar, or black and sugar?"

“...both milk and sugar. If that’s okay.” Rose looked down, feeling guilty. “Maybe just milk this time.”

"I mean, dairy is just more calories." Roxy looked her up and down. "Just sayin'.”

Rose frowned. “Well, I don’t like my tea black. Oh, you know what, never mind. We still have water. I’ll be fine.”

"Awh," Roxy pouted before turning again. "Well, if you're sure."

Rose didn’t answer. She rummaged in her bag until she found the water bottle; by the time she’d pulled it out, Roxy was gone.

Roxy returned just as the train conductor announced that they were nearly in Paris. She carried an armful of snacks, including a cheese crossiant in her mouth. She placed the array on the table. "The queue was a mile long and I ended up going a bit overboard."

“Well, we’re nearly there. Do you want me to take some of these in my bag?” Rose offered, reaching out for the snacks.

"Alright, just make sure I see some of them." Roxy teased as she sat down. "Oh! Look, you can already see the city from here." She went through her bag and pulled out some sheets of paper. "Next train is in ten. We'll need to run to wherever this platform is."

“Oh boy. Okay.” Rose gathered her stuff. “Let’s try not to lose each other. I’m sure this station will be packed.”

"Okay." Roxy outstretched her hand as the train pulled to stop, the other passengers began to gather themselves up. "Follow me, yeah?"

Rose held on to Roxy’s hand as they made their way through the busy station. The train Roxy led them to was about to leave, so Rose didn’t have time to check where it was going. They jumped on, and the doors closed behind them.

The announcement was in French, and there was only one word that Rose understood.

Disneyland. Oh god please don’t tell me... it might just be a coincidence. Surely she wouldn’t.

Meanwhile, Roxy began to grow more and more excited. "I've always wanted to go, but never had the time, you know." She pulled out a disposable camera, "I know it's a bit old school and that we can't take naughty pics, but I also brought this. First trip selfie?"

Rose let Roxy drag her into the selfie and put on a smile. Please tell me you haven’t.

They drew closer, the sound of children clamouring was getting louder. A group of what appeared to be excited school children had settled in the seats around them. "Ugh. Forgot there would be kids around." Roxy muttered.

Rose watched in growing horror.

Finally, she couldn’t keep it in anymore. “We’re not going to Disneyland, are we?”

"Winner winner, chicken dinner! Surprise!" Roxy clapped her hand as the train stopped. "We're here!"

Rose froze for a solid few seconds.

This is a dream. This can’t be real. This is wrong.

But she didn’t wake up, and nothing changed. She clenched her teeth.

“Wow,” she said. “Uh. I... I don’t know what to say.”

"Isn't it great?" Roxy roughly grabbed onto Rose's arm, practically trembling with excitement. "Apparently they serve a lot of booze here, too, so it should be really swell!" The train stopped, the noise outside could be heard through the open train window. "You can start thanking me now."

Rose looked away. “Thanks,” she muttered. As the noise grew, Rose grew close to tears.

This is going to be horrible.

Roxy clocked in to her tone. She paused for a few moments, frowning. "Hey, what's the matter? You okay?"

Rose sighed, the tension going out of her shoulders for a moment. “I... just didn’t expect to have to deal with... crowds and loud noises and children.”

"Awh, shoot! I mean, honey, you're planning to work at a school. You might as well get used to it."

Rose shot her an impenetrable look.

“It’s kind of different when I’m supposed to be on holiday,” she said. “Whatever. Let’s go. What’s the plan?”

Roxy turned still. People started to get out of the train carriage, leaving them alone. She then curled her lip. "You can go home right now if you don't want to spend time with me. I thought we were trying to work on trusting each other."

Rose’s chest tightened. “Which is why I asked you what the plan was. Look, this isn’t... about me not wanting to spend time with you.”

Roxy's expression shifted into a dark glare. She took out her wallet and pulled a few notes. "Well, go have yourself a time somewhere else, sweetie. I'm gonna hit up fucking Disneyland because I paid for a cool holiday for both of us and frankly, I can do it alone."

“Roxy, no!” Rose immediately shrunk back to Roxy’s side, her expression meek. “I’m sorry, okay? I... I’m excited about this. I am. Don’t abandon me here, please.”

Roxy gave her a little more of her glare and then forced a smile, as if nothing had happened. "Alright, sweetie. I'm glad we could figure this out. I love you so much." She grabbed at Rose's hand. "Let's go!"

Rose let herself be dragged along by Roxy through the crowd of excited children, feeling nothing but dread.

This is like the exact opposite of what I needed.

Roxy seemed to be absolutely unaware, chatting eagerly as they approached the entrance. "The food here is super special. It's a bit tacky but I'm sure they've got lots of protein options in case you want to stay away from carbs."

Rose looked around, uneasy. “Are we staying at a hotel here?”

"Yep! Disney's Hotel New York. It's a bit further away than the Disney hotel itself, but only about a ten minute walk." She gave a cheeky grin. "Empire state club room."

“That sounds... great,” Rose said. She felt like she needed a drink. “Are we going there first, then?”

"Yeah, just need to check in and dump all of our shit." Roxy nodded, walking past some children and shooting them a dangerous glare.

“Okay. Let’s do that, then.” At least a hotel room promised some respite from the children, and maybe Rose would be able to convince Roxy not to go out today in favour of a nap and some cuddles.

"I can't wait to check out the park. I've always wanted to laugh at how bad the character suits are, apparently the actors need to stay in character too." Roxy chuckled, pulling her blackberry phone out as it buzzed and biting her lip in a sultry way as she glanced at the message.

Rose ignored Roxy’s phone. Roxy had a busy social life, was constantly getting messages. “That sounds fun,” she said absent-mindedly. “Can we rest for a bit when we get to the hotel?”

Roxy was quiet as she texted back, tongue sticking out in concentration, seemingly not even listening to Rose. She then glanced up. "What was that?"

Rose already regretted asking. “Nothing, never mind. You know where we’re going, right?”

"Uh, yeah. What do you take me for?" Roxy looked back at her phone. "Unless you wanna get food first?"

“Food might be nice.” Rose started to relax a tiny little bit.

"Alright, I'm also sure there's stuff closer to the hotel?" Roxy looked at her phone again. "Hold on, I'll see if I can find the map screenshot I downloaded."

She scrolled through her gallery, past a few of her own nudes. "Oh shit, better turn that brightness down."

Rose got an eyeful of those pictures and immediately blushed. “Hey, I haven’t seen those. They look nice. Were you saving them for me?”

"Uh, yeah." Roxy's eyes darted left to right. "I guess I ruined the surprise there. Oh! Found it! We're just a couple of minutes away. Can you manage until then?"

“Of course, I’m not that desperate for food.” Rose gave Roxy a small smile. Things were okay... weren’t they?

"Oh good. Then we'll slip bags away and go get food?" Roxy finally put her phone away.

“Sounds good.” Rose hesitantly reached out for Roxy’s hand.

After checking in, the two made their way into the hotel suite. All aspects seemed incredibly family oriented in the decor, ranging from garish colours to more adorned spaces. Roxy opened the doors and ran for the bed, "Haha! Check this place out!"

Rose came in after her, the colours and decor already feeling overwhelming. She set down her bag and looked around. "Yes, it looks really cute," she said. For a five year old.

"Isn't it just?" Roxy looked starry eyed. "Oh, it's everything I hoped for us! Ooo, look at that view, you can actually see a lot of the park!"

Rose joined her by the window. "Wow, yeah, you can," she said, trying to sound enthusiastic. Down there she could see rollercoasters, shops, more bright colours... people. Children. Everywhere.

"Fantastic," she said, trying not to let sarcasm bleed into her voice.

Roxy clocked the tone. "Is something the matter? Are you alright? Hungry?"

"... yeah. Tired from travelling, I guess. Some food might be nice." Rose sat down on the bed, which at least felt comfortable and soft. She wanted to sink down into it and sleep until it was time to go home.

"Alright. There's some places around, I can go and scout out some things while you nap, if you want?" Roxy said, starting to take out her luggage. "I've got some friends who live in Paris to meet up with at some point just in case you're not feeling up to going outside."

"Oh, actually, I would love to see Paris, if you're going into the city... but a nap might be nice as well." Please, I want to see Paris... get me out of Disneyland, please.

"Ah, well, I'll have to arrange it first and we want to stay mostly at the park, anyway?" Roxy tilted her head up from the closet where she was stacking her clothes. Something in her tone spoke that she didn't want Rose to be involved with going into the capital.

Rose caught on, her heart twisting. "Please can I come? I've always wanted to see the city. It's so romantic as well, we could get dinner at a nice place there? And if you've got friends here I'd love to meet them. Please can we go together?"

Roxy suddenly looked suspiciously uncomfortable. She didn't look Rose in the eyes, despite the forced pleasantness of her tone. "I'll see what I can do. How about you catch that nap while I see about food? I'll find a place that does something nice and low carb for you, yeah?"

"Yeah, sure." Rose's shoulders slumped, and she began taking off her jacket. "Do you know when you'll be back?"

"Not too long, feel free to rest as long as you need to. If you want, you can even sleep and lemme know when you wake up so we can meet up at the park?" Roxy got her makeup bag and pulled out a few bits.

"Maybe... but maybe food first." Rose, personally, wanted to avoid going into the park for as long as possible. "We could, uh, chill for today and go in... maybe tomorrow?" she suggested timidly.

"Oh man, but I paid a lot for all the days." Roxy pouted behind her mascara wand. "How about... I get us some food and you can sleep after while I hit the park? Or you could just sleep and avoid the calories. Might help!" Her tone was barely just joking.

"Maybe. I don't know." Rose was exhausted. "I'll take a nap and see how I feel."

"Alright, well! I'll be a phone call away. Kisses!" Roxy's lips were glossy and glittery, leaving a sticky mark on Rose's cheek.

Rose waited until the door had closed behind Roxy, then gave in to the urge to wipe the lipgloss from her cheek. She sighed and slowly unpacked her bag, changed into her pyjamas, but not without looking at her belly, feeling disgusted. Roxy was right. Maybe she should just skip lunch. And maybe dinner too.

She'd slimmed down a little in the past few months, but not enough. Never enough.

She sighed once again, wrapped herself in blankets and tried to fall asleep.

It was their last day at the park. Roxy had been sifting through her desired rides, seemingly blind to Rose's increasing contempt and frustration. She fidgeted at her set of bedazzled Mickey Mouse ears as she spied a map. "Just a couple left! How about ‘Small World’? Cl- My old ex and I always chatted about going there to make out, it's a staple of the Disneyland experience."

Rose avoided Roxy's eyes. "Sure. Last one?" The thought of having to once again live up to Roxy's ex made her feel sick.

"Yeah, I'm getting pretty tired of all this." Roxy began walking towards the direction of the queue. The timer display noted that the wait would be approximately fifty minutes. "Oh, hey, not too bad!" Roxy exclaimed, pointing at it.

"Oh. Fantastic." It had gotten increasingly difficult to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. Rose looked around and was put off by how many small children there were. "Are you sure about this?"

"Uh, yeah?" Roxy narrowed her eyes. Her tone passive aggressive. "Is there a problem?" Her voice was dangerously loud.

"No, no. Of course not." Rose shrugged it off, as usual. "Let's do it."

Roxy smiled, but something in her eyes still seemed to be burning. "Excellent! Can't wait, I've heard this one is incredibly catchy."

"Cool." Rose forced a smile. "Can I get one of those slushies before we join the queue?"

"Uh... I think we've had enough of that today." Roxy gave Rose's belly a little pat, her tone condescending. Members of the queue turned to look. "We could fill up on food after?"

"Okay." Rose turned away from Roxy a bit. "Let's go then."

The queue was long, full of children, and looked like it moved very slowly. Rose couldn't think of what to say to fill up the time they had, so she stood in silence.

Roxy took her phone out to text, and did so for about the wait time. As they approached the entrance, she turned to Rose. "You okay?"

Rose didn't look. "Yeah, I'm okay." She couldn't help sounding bitter. "Having the best time of my life, in fact."

Roxy frowned. "I don't appreciate your tone. What is wrong?"

Rose looked at her, a comical grin on her face. "Nothing is wrong! Everything is great! I just said I'm having the best time!" Her voice rose a bit.

"Jesus! What is the matter with you?"Roxy hissed, looking around. "Chill! What's the problem, I know you're messing with me."

"What's the-" Rose snorted, laughed bitterly. "What isn't the problem!! I haven't been enjoying any of this! Not that you would care!"

"Um? I paid for your fat ass to have a vacation in the happiest place on Earth? Why are you not enjoying yourself?"

"The happiest place on earth, my ass. Maybe if you're five." Rose was seething. She stopped, though, as it was their turn to go on the ride.

They entered the boat and were engulfed by a tunnel. The boat they were in moved slowly, and in the tunnel, small figurines in picturesque settings started singing and dancing in slow, robotic motions.

"Seriously?! We waited in line for an hour, for this?" Rose hissed.

A loud 'shhh' emanated from the boat behind them. Roxy swallowed, her cheeks red even in the dim lights. "Stop it! You're being embarrassing! And fucking ungrateful, you brat!"

"Ungrateful? I never asked for this!" Rose did not pipe down. Actually, she got louder with every word. "Maybe I'd be more grateful if you'd actually asked! Or considered my feelings or wishes, ever! But no! We get fucking Disneyland, with an obligation to go on the side. I hate noise! I hate kids! I hate rollercoasters! I hate all of this!"

"You haven't said a peep about that until now!" Roxy somehow grew louder than Rose, nearly standing up. "You're so fucking blind if you can't see how ungrateful you're being, and it's appalling! And now you're causing drama and ruining this bloody trip! Do you know how long I've looked forward to this? Over twenty fucking years! Twenty years, I've wanted to go to Disneyland, with my dad, with Claire, and I chose to do it with you because you're the most important person to me!"

“Am I really? Because wow, that’s big news to me! I’ve really just gotten the impression that the only person you really care about is yourself! I wanted none of this! I didn’t want to go to fucking Disneyland, I didn’t want to go on this ride, and I sure as hell didn’t want to live off food from Disneyland when we’re in Paris. I thought I made myself clear that I wanted to go into the city! But no, you snuck off while I was asleep and didn’t even bring me anything! I don’t want to be here, Roxy!”

“You never said anything about being unhappy, though! Do you expect me to read your fucking mind?” Roxy hissed, but a deep blush seemed to have formed over her cheeks as her visit to the city was mentioned. She suddenly turned as she heard a child crying from the boat behind her, and realised that all other attendants had been staring at the confrontation, wide eyed. “Listen, you fat twat. Do you want to break up right now? Because I’m happy to leave this ride single if you’re going to be this ungrateful and shitty to me. But good luck finding someone, anyone else that’ll drag you to Paris, all expenses paid.”

Rose drew back, tears gathering in her eyes. Her lips trembled, and she continued, whispering. “I just... I was hoping for something quiet. And nice. And to spend time with you, and maybe talk about stuff, you know I’m going through a lot right now, with my dad and everything. I just wanted to rest a bit. And that’s not really possible here. Is it?”

“I mean, I figured it would be a good distraction. We’ve even got the hotel room for privacy, but you’ve been bloody mum about all your feelings since we got here, frankly.” Roxy rolled her eyes. “You’re acting like I don’t care about any of your family shit, and I really, really do. I’m here for you and I love you and I’m, like, listening? Who else has been here for you, huh? Your mom? Friends? Absolutely fucking no one.”

“Well, you kind of... get upset with me if I mention it or if I talk to anyone else about it. I don’t have anyone else to talk to and if I try to talk to you, you just tell me to stop being such a baby!” Rose found herself crying, unable to control her volume anymore. “And you never listen to me when I tell you what I want! You had a million chances to give me what I want this trip! And you squandered each and every one of them because you wanted to go to Disneyland! And because apparently listening to me is too much of a fucking chore!”

Roxy shot her a hard glare and sat down, face displaying deep upset. "Have fun finding your way back to England."

The ride had ended. The child behind them was still crying. Other people were giving them looks ranging from pity to outrage.

Rose just wanted to cease existing in that moment. She didn’t even bother answering Roxy, just turned around and ran for it, making her way back to the hotel room while crying.

If this is what she wants, she can have it. I don’t care. I’m going home.

When she reached the hotel room, she tried to pack, but found herself unable to in the midst of her emotional turmoil, blinded by her tears.

Roxy was staying behind, still within the park. She glanced into her wallet, considering where Rose had gone off to. The direction of the hotel.

No bother. Rose could do what she wanted, and it was likely going to be self harming in some way. All according to plan. Roxy would just have to avoid the fallout and swoop in at a convenient moment to save her. A few hours would do. Maybe a day of ghosting... Hm...

Roxy smirked for a brief second, already wondering how she'd post up this event as an entry on her account.

Her eyes briefly widened. The account was still open on a tab on her laptop.

"Fuck."

In the meantime, Rose ended up blindly throwing stuff into her suitcase. Once she was a little distracted by packing, she found that her tears had died down. She could think a little more clearly again.

“Right.” She stood in the chaotic hotel room, looking like a mess, talking to herself. “I need to figure out what train I can take.”

Her eyes fell onto Roxy’s laptop. It looked like it was still on. Rose approached it – knowing that Roxy would flip out if she knew Rose had even thought about touching it.

But then, she didn’t really care about what Roxy thought right now. She opened it up. The internet browser was opened on a LiveJournal.

I shouldn’t.

She skimmed a few sentences, then looked away. She couldn’t help looking at Roxy’s username, though.

Might have a look at that later. I wonder why she’s never told me about this.

She chased the thoughts away and opened a new tab to have a look at trains.

Roxy was sprinting towards the hotel, earning strange looks as she practically flew past families of park goers. She pressed past the hotel doors, heart beating loudly in her chest.

If Rose had a look through her LiveJournal, it would all be over.

Rose had been looking for trains on a French website. Her French was only barely good enough to figure out what she was doing, and she had finally found a suitable train when Roxy burst through the door.

Rose immediately jumped away from the laptop.

Roxy was staring at her, wide eyed. After a pregnant pause, she cleared her throat and straightened her posture, but her voice was still uncharacteristically shaky. "What are you doing?"

Rose shrunk into herself. "I was just looking up trains to go home," she said.

"That's all?" Roxy's gaze was unblinking.

"Y...yeah... I was so upset. I... I want to go home, Roxy."

Roxy looked at the laptop and let out a deep breath. She approached Rose. "You sure? We can still figure things out. I'll take you to Paris, yeah?"

"Please don't feel like you have to." Rose looked down. "I don't know, it wouldn't mean as much if you're only doing it because I got mad at you."

"Nah." Roxy smoothly stepped closer. "It's the least I could do after you had such a shit time. We could hit a restaurant or something on our way back?"

"Oh... please." Rose found herself caving, her anger dissipating. "That... would be nice."

"Yeah?" Roxy offered a small smile, rubbing gently on her arm with the light tips of her fingers. "I'm sorry about that fight, I'm such an idiot. I really should just die sometimes."

"No... no, you don't deserve that." Rose sighed. "I... started packing," she said. "I mean, we're going home tomorrow anyway. We could have a nice evening out in Paris."

"You've got that website up, pass me the laptop and I'll get us some tickets." Roxy's touches reached Rose's neck. "I'm starting to see your collarbones. Good work."

"Huh, despite all the Disneyland food?" Rose gave a weak chuckle as she leaned into Roxy's touches. "Well, it wasn't particularly good, so maybe that's why. I haven't eaten that much."

"Sounds like you're on a good track. You look sexy."

"Oh, do I, now?" Rose smiled at Roxy and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss onto the corner of Roxy's mouth. "I suppose we could stay here for a little while longer before we go out."

Roxy returned the smirk as she closed the laptop. "I suppose we could."

#steven universe #su fanfic #su rose quartz #su pink diamond #su human au #educating the victim #etv act 6 #illustrated #sfw

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rezilient-m3 · 3 years

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October 10th

Still didn't do anything legally about Alex and his possessions, cuz fuck him and his things. We're good. I'm poor, but comfortable lol.

Not why I'm writing, just thought I'd throw it out there. I'm writing because I have multiple guys interested in me and I can't seem to find it in me to go there. I'm convincing myself I don't like them. And still finding myself alone and on my couch, hating it because I'm lonely hahah. I'll go by their first initials.

First is A. Snapchat dude from NYC. He used to be persistent and msging all the time, but goes MIA all the time. He sees my stories, so he's there. Idk what's going on for him. I had sent him a Tshirt with my dad's store logo on it cuz it's named after me and my twin brother. He said he wanted one, so it would be thoughtful I thought lol. Last time we spoke he said he was still saving to come by Christmas, but who knows if that's even true, or if I'll even be available to. Not holding my breath.

Next is another A. From the app I spoke about earlier. The rest of them are actually lol. Anyways, this guy is a busy boy. 28 and a couple jobs. His free 3 days every 3 weeks is spent with his 2 year old son. This last free time, he wanted to spend with me, but it was a Tuesday and I had homework. But real reason is I'm a chickenshit to meet ppl from online. (You'll notice that when I'm talking about these guys). Mostly because I don't think I'll measure up to my catfishy pics are lol. Like, I know I'm not ugly. But my skin isn't perfect. My teeth aren't the whitest. And my stomach isn't the flattest. So, I'm very self conscious. Anyways, this guy msges me from time to time. We just chat whenever he does. Exchanged pictures. He's cute. But that's as far as this went. Lol

Next is T. He's the guy with the same last name as my biological dad. From the same place. Distantly related. But still fucking related. Idk what his deal is and why he won't give up lol. Msges everyday. Mostly it's him telling me I'm gonna be his and he wants to fuck me. But other times we talk like normal ppl lol. And he's funny. Not that great looking. But I tell him over and over he doesn't have a chance. I should block him, but it seems mean. Maybe I just don't know how to do boundaries yet lol. And maybe I just like the attention. 🤷‍♀️ But still. Weird.

And the guy I met earlier. D. He's the one I went on that drive till 5am awhile ago. I don't remember if I wrote about him. But if I did, I would have said he liked me way too much and I didn't feel the same. We ended that night with a kiss, and a lot of msges afterwards how he likes me 23/10 or something lol. But we slowly stopped speaking, cuz I wasn't initiating and he wasn't a "chaser" as he put it. But he msged me, about 3 or 4 days ago. Small talk at first. Then asked why I ghosted him. (I'm not gonna lie, he is living at home, 3 babymamas and quit his job... so it was kinda turned off). So I told him he didn't seem ready to take me, and all that I come with, on. Which sounded nicer. He goes on saying he likes me, and would do anything for me, ready to step up to the plate for my kids, we could really be something, and he had to try because he'd regret it if he didn't. Like, he says all the right things, so he almost got me lolol. But I just kinda wanna use him for sex. But that might be meaner tho, cuz he sounds like he's infatuated and it's kinda weird. Right? T (the cousin lol) says all this shit too. Like, I don't understand how these guys could claim such feelings and makes all these promises when they don't really know me. They like the way I speak. The things I post. How positive and put together I seem on fb. Although all those things could be true, I don't want a man I have to take care of. (Talking about D now, cuz I won't even consider T lol). Call my selfish, cuz I want a man that already can take care of himself. That, at this point in his life, should have his own things. Think I'm going by what Alex is, or haves. Cuz that man has it all that I want, except being emotionally mature and stable lol. Geez.

Then M. On snap too, but added him from that app too. I don't even remember when this was, but a long time ago lol. Almost went meet him once, after I moved. I was in my vehicle and on my way, but he said something about be horny, I just stopped in my tracks hahah. Like, I know we're adults and that was probably in the back of my mind too, but at least I expected to at least just chill for a bit first. And maybe not on the first meeting, cuz I'm tryna be a lady here haha. Anyways, we stopped talking for weeks. He msged me again about 2 weeks ago and have been snapping since. He's hot. Like intimidatingly hot. And like I've said, I'm self conscious about how I look in real life. Cuz snap filters are fake and make me look way better. Lol. So, he scares me. I think I'd like him. Think he'd like me, cuz I'm awesome. But I don't think it'd go anywhere for real. He's like 26, good looking, no kids. I just don't get that step daddy vibe from him lol. Plus, we never talk about personal things lol. He doesn't know my story (except for what he sees on snap I guess, which is a lot lol), and I don't know anything about him. Cutie tho. Idk, I suck.

And Alex? Idk about him. I miss him. He misses me. But I know I'm not going to go back. I know I'm better off. It just takes time. I actually seen this thing on Tiktok, where if you write out all the upsetting shit he's done, and pick 5 of the most hurtful things, you're supposed to give each thing a word for it. Then, everytime you start getting those feelings of missing them, or remembering the good times, so say the word, and all those hurtful/hating feelings come back and it stops your brain from missing them. Seems interesting. I didn't do it yet, but seems like it'd work lol. Idk. ...anyways, he's working in his home province on a short job. So, our son is here with me. He writes to me sometimes to say he misses me. I say I do too, but doesn't change anything. I shouldn't even respond tho. I'm getting better at it tho. Cuz tonight, the dummy has the audacity to ask if I'm available to watch our kid from Jan 12-19th I think. I don't ask why, I just say I'll be in school so I'd be home. Whatever. (Kinda bothered me he's even asking me if I'm free to watch our son like I'm his babysitter. Like, biiiiiiitch, I rather have him here ALL of the time. But besides the point). So, he says just making sure cuz he's going on a trip with his friend, C. I say have fun. Minutes later he writes again and says "To be honest I wish that you were coming. It took me years to save enough points for a trip. But I guess that won't happen so I'll go with Chris." Like, I didn't ask. But you HAD to tell me to be like, "Be sorry and sad I'm going on this trip that could have been yours but we're not together anymore." You know what I mean? My response? "Don't be sorry for not taking me. One day I'll take myself wherever I want to go. So have fun." Even tho I'm a little jealous. More mad at the audacity tho lol. But he won't know. I was cool, calm, and collected. To him anyways, not so much on snap. Lol. Went bitch about it a little. Then, my oldest son writes "You shoulda just went and used him for the trip." Lol. Just made me laugh. But I know if I did, it'd give him (and me) false feelings of hope. And I'm not about to put myself in that position.

I'm just tired. Idk why it bugs me so much to be alone. I'm just lonely and really horny I think. Hahah. Hf. But I suck because I'm not brave. Just stick to my vibrator lol. But idk what I'm doing for real. Can't trust my feelings, or these men. Idk who's genuine. Who to give a chance. Or even if any of these guys are who I'm gonna be with. Being single sucks. Thought I'd be living my best life lol.

But that is all. For now. ✌

#allofme #singlemama #chickenshit #mystory #toomanyguyslol

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travelingtarot · 6 years

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TAROT THE WEEK!!!

Weekly Psychic Forecasts Every Monday Morning To Help Guide You Through Your Week!

Week Of May 21st – May 27th 2018

Card: The Empress

Quick Analysis: Ah, The Empress. Pregnant with possibilities. All around her everything grows. She has dominion and rulership over all she touches. She’s in tune with the Earth and all her energies. She knows how to work with natural cycles in order to bring forth a bounty of blessings. And her endeavors are blessed by the heavens above. Since the Earth is in tune with the heavens above, by being in tune with the Earth, she too becomes in tune with the Heavens. So all work together for the greatest good not only for The Empress, but for the evolution of the planet as a whole.

When this card comes up in a reading, I always encourage the person sitting across from me to have faith. Trust that everything he or she is doing is the right thing. They may not have seen results heretofore, but very soon the results will be abundantly clear.

Because The Empress is all about growth energy. She’s full with child. Ready to give birth to another great idea, another great product, another great philosophy, another great thingamajig. And all around her is growth. The fields are growing. The trees are crowned with greenery, the flowers are in full bloom. Water is flowing all around her. She knows she can touch anything and bring it to life and she revels in her creatrix abilities.

So because The Empress is coming up in our reading today, I encourage us all to tap into that spirit of creation that is within us and go out and create something. Something that means something to us. Something we’re passionate about. Something that makes us happy and is useful to others. Let’s get out there and create! The Universe blesses our endeavors.

In-Depth Analysis: This week I was fat shamed three times by three random different people. All in the space of 24 hours. And one of those random people was my Dad!

The first two were in the same wheelhouse so I’m lumping them together. Without mincing words here, I was trying to hook up with two different guys this week. I needed to get laid. So I was casting my net out far and wide in hopes of getting that itch scratched. Both were online hook-ups (does anyone hook up in person anymore?) and both were almost closed deals.

We were exchanging messages, one via WhatsApp (does anybody use that app? If so, what’s your experience been like? Sound off in the comments below) and the other via the messaging system on whatever dating app I was on. It was all going well until we exchanged photos. At first we exchanged face pics. No problem. Neither one of us looked like Quasimodo. So far so good. Then we exchanged body pics. One look at my body and one of the guys completely vanished. So now my chances of getting laid have been cut in half. The other guy says, “U R a very big boy”. I reply, “I am. It’s something I’m working on fixing. Not to find someone (transforming your body just to find someone is a silly idea) but because I really need to be the best possible version of me at all times. If this version of me isn’t a version of me you feel you can continue with, let me know. If this version of me is someone you’d like to continue with, let me know that as well. Regardless, this is me.” He responded, “I can accept that version of you, but not sexually.” The conversation ended by me saying, “Thank you for being honest with me.”

Now an argument can be made (and I’ll make it here briefly) that people are attracted to what and whom they’re attracted to. I was not their type. So the argument can be made that it wasn’t exactly fat shaming. It was more “I’m not attracted to you, so this isn’t going to happen.” Further to that point, one of the men was very honest with me. He didn’t ghost me like the other guy did (more on that in a moment). Instead he told me up front that he couldn’t have sex with me. Something I appreciated. As I said, the other one ghosted me, which I guess is par for the course when dealing with people online. People ghost each other all the time. Hell, I’m guilty of f ghosting people every now and again. So neither one of these prospects were going to pan out because neither was attracted to me. I completely get that. So maybe it wasn’t “fat shaming”.

But it still stings.

Finally, less than 12 hours later I was at my parents’ home. I had barely settled in my recliner in the den when my father says to me, “Putting on the weight, aren’t you?” I shot back, “The mirrors in my home work, Dad. I see my reflection every day so I don’t need you to remind me of how fat I am, so please stop.” You can’t twist that into anything else but fat shaming. It’s rude, uncalled for and isn’t helpful in the least. To put it plain, it’s fat shaming.

Recently I’ve become more aware that I need to love myself more. I was told by someone I trust (who also happens to be a working psychic/energy healer) that I need to work on self-love. I need to learn how to love myself unconditionally. It’s a life lesson for me, which means it’s a lesson that has followed me this entire lifetime and will continue to follow me in subsequent lives if I don’t learn the lesson this time around.

And it’s been a tough lesson to learn, quite frankly. Ever since I hit puberty I’ve been a big guy. I was not interested in sports in any way, shape or form. I wasn’t interested in going outside to play. I wasn’t interested in rough housing with the other neighborhood boys. All I wanted to do was listen to music (Amy Grant in particular) and read books. I’d rather have conversations with people than play with people. I’d rather sing in choir than throw the ball around. I’d rather act in a play than wrestle around with people. So exercise just wasn’t in the equation for me when I hit puberty. And so I gained weight. All through middle school, high school and college all I did was gain weight. I read books, listened to music (mostly Amy), sang in choirs and acted in plays. I was happy.

After college I decided to take my health more seriously, so I joined a gym. And for quite a few years afterwards I lost weight. Still a big guy, but definitely more toned than I had ever been in my entire life. Then slowly but surely I started missing days at the gym. It started out a missed day here or there. Then a missed couple days here and there. Then a week. Then a month would go by and I hadn’t made it to the gym. Finally, I stopped going altogether. And the weight came barreling back. Then I’d decide to get back I the swing of exercising and I’d rejoin a gym. And I’d do well for a good long time. Then I’d stop. And the weight jumped right back on my body. If you know anything about yo-yo dieting, you are a member of my tribe!

So now I’m the heaviest I’ve been in over 20 years. And it’s time to get back on the health horse. I try to convince myself this time will be different than the last few times. I’m going to stick to my health plan! I’m going to eat more fruits and vegetables! I’m going to stop eating so many sweets! I’m going to stop eating so much bread! (I fucking LOVE bread! I really do. I connected with Oprah Winfrey on a deep spiritual level when on a Weight Watchers commercial Auntie O proclaimed, “I LOVE BREAD!!!” YAAASSS! YAAASSS AUNTIE O! YAAASSS!!!!) This time will be the time it sticks forever! And I hope it does. I hope this time will be the last time I have to get on the “health horse”. I hope this time will be the last time I will be this overweight. I hope this time I love myself enough to be the best possible version of me I can possibly be.

And that’s the thing that makes the difference this time. Self-love is in the equation. Not as a byproduct of living healthfully, but as a core reason for exercising and eating right in the first place.

Which brings us to The Empress. The Empress is all about being fruitful and bringing things to life. It’s about growing and developing and being blessed in those endeavors by the heavens above. Whatever the Empress touches, multiplies by thousands. Whatever the Empress focuses on grows and expands and thrives. Whatever the Empress loves, succeeds. But in the words of Mother Ru, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an Amen up in here?” “AMEN!” “All right, let the music play!”

The Empress is advising us this week to love ourselves. We simply must. If we want our outer lives to grow and thrive and flourish, we must first love our inner selves. We must love ourselves unconditionally. We must tend to our spirits. We must heal our inner selves. We must do all the work to make ourselves the best possible versions of us we can be, but first we must love ourselves.

Some of you may be asking “Where do I start? How do I begin?” Truth be told, when my good friend told me I must learn to love myself I asked the very same thing. “Where do I start? How do I begin.” And this is what he told me: “Hug yourself. Like literally, physically hug yourself. And when you do, you’ll know what else needs to be done.”

So the next day as part of my meditation process I hugged myself. I wrapped my arms around myself and hugged. And hugged. And hugged. Nothing happened initially. No inspiration, no words of wisdom, no “this is what you do next.” I was about to give up for the day when I was impressed to say, “I love me. I love me unconditionally.” And so I said it. “I love me,” I said. “I love me unconditionally.” And I kept saying it over and over like a mantra. “I love me. I love me unconditionally. I love me. I love me unconditionally.”

If self-love is something you struggle with, the next time you meditate I encourage you as part of your meditation process to hug yourself. It may seem silly. It may seem like “pop psychology”. But in the end, what have you got to lose? Hug yourself. You may feel weird at first when you do it, but do it anyway. Hug yourself. Hug yourself with no expectations. Just hug yourself. If inspiration, impression, words of wisdom come to mind, thank your guides for giving you those instructions and continue on with your meditation. Do it everyday for a month and see what changes occur.

Bottom Line: The Empress encourages us to allow ourselves to grow and prosper. But in order to be truly prosperous from the inside out, The Empress encourages us to love ourselves from the inside out. That love, that unconditional love we begin to feel for ourselves when we take time to consciously love ourselves on a daily basis can only extend outwards towards everything we touch. And when we infise love energy into everything we do it’s like pouring Miracle-Gro on our greenery and flowers (without the harsh chemicals). Everything bigger and brighter. And the return is amazing! It’s true. When we give love, we get more love in return. It’s a beautiful thing. So when we love ourselves, that love has no other choice but to permeate everything else in our orbit. Love builds on love. The more love we give to ourselves, the more love we have to share with others.

So I encourage us to take on that love energy The Empress is sharing with us this week. Take it in and let it mend us. Let it heal us. Let it give us love unconditionally. Let us be about love consciousness all day, every day. Let us put our self-consciousness and embarrassment to the side and hug ourselves and see what if anything happens. Let’s love ourselves unconditionally first so that we have that much more unconditional love to give to others. You can thank me later!

Have a FANTASTIC week, everybody!

Be Blessed.

Song Of The Week: Meghan Trainor Ft. LunchMoney Lewis – “I Love Me”

For more information and to book a psychic reading with me, click HERE

For more information on the card used for this week’s reading click HERE

#Psychic #psychic reading #psychic forecast #tarot #tarot cards #tarot card reading #WEEKLY #weekly forecast #advice #life lessons #life advice #the empress #empress #self love #self improvement #self esteem #self empowerment #unconditionallove

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taenys · 4 years

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tw: sexual assault/rape

just felt like talking about my high school experience ‘cause a tv show triggered an old memory and i need to vent! mainly for myself!

spring of 2009, my first and only high school boyfriend sexually assaulted me. he held me down. chased me when i ran away. violently yanked the blanket off of me when i tried to hide my forcibly naked body from view. pulled me out from under the bed and flipped me over so i was face down on the carpet. i can picture every moment so clearly, but those are the ones that really....stick out. it was a phone call from my sister telling me she’d be coming home from work soon that got him to leave. we couldn’t be caught, you see. i wasn’t allowed to date so our relationship had to be a “secret.”

i was the quiet, weird, loner girl who’s only friends were a gay goth and a horse girl. i was an easy target for a confident football playing jock who ruled the school. he bullied me at school as a way to maintain our cover, and i was okay with that because A) i desperately wanted to be loved, wanted to experience the romance i’d read in books and seen in movies and i’d never experienced someone actually having a “crush” on me because i was ugly and weird and B) I grew up very isolated in a religious cult that told me dating without the intention of marriage and with someone outside of the religion was a one way ticket to eternal damnation.

so yeah, it seemed to be in my best interest to keep our relationship a secret, and if that meant he and his friends could laugh at me and call me an ugly nerd every now and again at school, then so be it. it was all pretend because in secret he actually “liked” me and thought i was “cute.” i didn’t even tell my 2 best friends that i was “dating” him. he, on the other hand, kept his very large friend group well informed of our status throughout. just how well informed, i didn’t find out about until after i graduated.

but anyways, after the assault (which was about 6 months into us being an item) i did end it. i could not physically be near him after that. but i still had to see him at school for a few months, though summer was soon approaching, so i did my best to avoid him. his friends really piled on the bullying in those last months though. i guess he’d told them all that Krystal the Loser dumped him, and they could not for the life of them understand how that could be. i blocked out most of the “ugly bitch” comments. i was running on autopilot trying to get out of that hell hole as quickly as possible. one of his close female friends even came up to me just to brag about how he’d tried to sleep with her multiple times while he was “dating” me because i wouldn’t “put out,” but that she felt sorry for me so she “resisted.” i didn’t care. i didn’t care about anything anymore at that point. i reached a point emotionally and mentally where i stopped feeling anything. i let my grades fall. i gave up on school all together. but it was okay because i was gonna be 16 and it was my dad’s dream for me to graduate early by taking my GED and getting right into college.

once summer came, i was free. i didn’t have to see any of those people. the nightmare was over!!! except...it wasn’t. 2010 came, i was settling into online college life, i had discovered kpop and found a reason to Feel and Live again and i was...okay. i felt okay with life. kpop was a HUGE reason for that. the friends i had began to make on here were a massive reason for that as well. i’ll never forget those first friends i made...serene...marine...anne...ANYWAYS, time went on and i moved on...mostly. i still used facebook regularly and saw what everyone in high school was up to. and then one day my best friend from high school, the gay goth, sent me this message:

He’d actually shown people our, or should i say MY text messages, private intimate things i’d said and shared when we were “dating.”15 year old virgin krystal never knew what the fuck she was doing in this relationship, i’d never watched porn, sex scared me even before he assaulted me, i just wanted to experience my first fucking kiss, to hold hands with someone i was in love with, cute shit like that. but of course that wasn’t going to be enough after a while for someone like him. these things that i'd said that i thought were special and romantic at the time were being shared around and laughed at. people were laughing at me. haha look at the shit that nerdy loser krystal used to text me hahahahaha hilarious. no doubt made more hilarious since most people never knew we were secretly dating at the time. i just became the ugly loner girl who was sending sexts to the popular jock because she had some hopeless pathetic crush. i could live with that. what i could NOT live with though was what else i learned.

days after i got some messages from other high school acquaintances telling me that they’d heard there were nudes of me on his phone. one girl was very “umm ewww is it true you sent ***** nudes? i heard from *insert one of his friend’s names here* that you did and he’s seen them.” i got about 3 or 4 myspace messages (yeah, MYSPACE...shudder) from people informing me of that they’d heard photos of me were being shared. people were seeing them. people were talking about them. my 15 year old bra pics were the talk of the school. and i went from being an invisible nobody to the school’s biggest slut. thank FUCK i didn’t actually go to high school anymore.

guys are assholes. guys who show their friends their girlfriend’s nudes are the worst kind of asshole. truly. i know he wasn’t printing out copies of my pictures and taping them up on walls or even mass texting them to other people because the pictures themselves would’ve reached me eventually. they never did. but that act...the sharing of my messages and photos worst of all was such a......horrific violation. i was violated in so many fucking ways. emotionally, mentally, physically, and no one cared. not a single person cared. the messages i got were all “you’re fucked up” or “why would you do that?” and not a single person questioned why he’d share those things. did he want to make sure everyone hated me and thought i was a disgusting slut in the event i told people that he’d raped me? that way they’d all be on his side and think i’m just an obsessed freak who wouldn’t leave him alone. well, i didn’t tell anyone.

it’s been ten years though. i’ve healed. i’ve mended. i’m in a really good place in my life right now. i’m able to talk about these things. remember them. write about them. and feel okay about it. it helps. it really does. i had suppressed the memory of my nudes and texts being shared throughout the high school. just last night i watched a show that had a scene of a high school guy showing his friends a nude picture of his girlfriend and one of the friends calling him out on how fucked up that is to do. and it triggered that memory. i felt really sick and panicky so i needed to write it down. i could only find that one facebook message from my former friend since my myspace is long gone and so are any old text messages. but it was very...validating to do that. to see that and remember that and to think of where i am now in life. i didn’t kill myself when i wanted to. i didn’t stop believing in love. i didn’t give up on myself.

i have bad days, of course. days where i think about all the destructive things i did do after all of that happened and how “gross” i am for it. i think about the lingering mental illness that i’ll likely have to live with (the hypersexuality). days where i hate my body, my weight, my face, i’m back in school and i’m the ugly kid boys laugh at because who would ever have a crush on ME (that trauma started in elementary). but then i have good days. i have fun with my family. with my friends. with thomas. the people around me make me feel safe and secure and good about myself. maybe not so much my dad....but i at least have everyone else. i have a solid support unit and that’s truly the most important thing. it’s really what keeps me going every day

i don’t know if this post had a point other than to vent and document a piece of trauma i had buried. that’s what diaries are for, and ya’ll know this blog has always been that place for me :’)

#personal

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miniwolfsbane · 6 years

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Copied from @andalite-angel post. Edited slightly.

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, etc. are allowed.

Biospecialist, Marco/Rachel, Sam/Rahne, all cannon Disney Princess pairings, the two young kids Pacific Rim Uprising, Lancitty, Evo Kurt/ Amanda, Jott in Evo. Skyward??

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or ***** that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.

Fanfic writers and Evo romy, adult Jubilee x Gambit, others.

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

Never gonna be big on Evo Romy ever again, will forever hate Rahne x Roberto, Sam and Rahne with anyone but each other!!

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

Evo Romy...somtimes. Because it does sorta make sense IN FANNON, but not in cannon. And Jean x Scott, because it’s so iconic, but I only like them in Evo, so...yah.

E - Have you added anything cracky crazy/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

See my fan fiction.

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom?

The Little Mermaid and Star Trek have been there for 95% of my life.

G - Have you ever had an OTP? If so, do you remember your first one? Who was in it?

Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask, Sam/Rahne, Ariel and Eric (first when I was 5, even though I wanted to be Ariel), Rachel Tobias (first when I was actually gettin into fandom), Jake/Cassie (Animorphs), Clark/Lana, Clark/Lois (I think??) and Chloe/Ollie, Romy (even in Evo at a point!), and now Eliza and Goliath in Gargoyles. I keep saying I’m not a shipper, but I think I’m just a subtle one that pines and doesn’t read a lot of fanfic, but my heart swells over seeing my OTP on screen

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

TV Shows and Western (superhero) Animation mostly, but also a few animes.

I - Has Tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why?

I was annoyed by the Agents Of Shield fandoms behavior for a while, but I’ve never stopped liking any fandoms because of Tumblr.

J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.)

SuperWhoLock, Riverdale...some other popular teen shows.

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

Tie between Sailor Moon and Gambit I guess, but I’m sure there are lots of others. Sailor Jupiter has a good arc as well, even though she doesn’t have a lot of character development TBH.

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves. (Characters you’re neutral about are fair game, as are characters you merely dislike. Characters that you absolutely loathe with the fire of ten thousand suns are exempt, as there is no point in giving yourself an aneurysm over a character that you hate.)

Roberto Dacosta’s super strength power is pretty cool and he’s a chill guy. And rich. (I just realized that a lot of X-Men characters are rich, actually. Gambit, Xavier, Warren and him. Holy crap.)

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Moon. TAS Rogue too, because she seems fun to hang with, and who wouldn’t like to be called “Sugah” all the time?

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

MORE GAMBIT (and comic Nightcrawler) IMAGINES!! And just more love and less fan wars across all fandoms, really.

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

Hero by Chad Kroger. Ship: Romy or Mollyx Remy. Character: Gambit or Angel.

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas).

For any fandom? A mad scientist and a famous baker get together after the scientist contacts aliens, resulting in a warring invasion on earth.

Q - A fandom you’ve abandoned and why.

To be perfectly honest, The Smurfs because we’re a Christain household and we found it had stuff in it we didn’t agree with. I was three. Other than that, I’ve only given up one other fandom permenantly that wasn’t what I thought it was and chosen at a bad time.

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

Kurt and Kitty in Evo, and Logan and Kurt is cool, but I don’t actually pay much attention to it.

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

Hmmm. One that isn’t too boring? Remy isn’t (wasn’t? He is married now) particular about a woman’s height and is comfortable enough with himself to date a woman much taller or shorter than he is. (Remember, Frenzy was freaking 6′7 before she got rebooted to a normal height and it was implied they had history.) For a while it was a wish of mine they’d pair him with a short gal, because all X-women are physically clones of each other, minus Rahne, Kitty and Jubilee. Blargh. Oooh, just had an idea for a new art project to make the girls look individual! ^_^

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

Besides the above? Uh...headcannon that Remy smells good and his hair is silky to the touch and yes I’m a sick, weird little person, I know. Haha, not really. I’m not much of a headcannon person.

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

* Gambit: Hot, suave, lit, accent, good cook, romantic, my fictional ideal man (told you, I’m sick and weird). * Sailor Jupiter: Sweet, loyal, living on her own at bloody 14 years old, strong physically and emotionally, had trouble believing/finding her feminity like me, tall (not like me!), brunette character, thunder powers. * Tuvok (Star Trek): My second crush ever, calm, reflective, hot grandpa, sarcasm galore, strong, suffers emotionally and physically, POC and like the only black vulcan that I know of, cute little boy chest, that butt (XD), frakin’ hot.

V - Which character do you relate to most?

Surprisingly, one I haven’t talked about yet and that I’m not really fandom-y about. Rapunzel from Tangled. When I saw the movie, I was attached to her immediately. I’d grown up homeschooled and at that point I’d been caregiving for one of my parents for six years at that point, unable to move out and get married and have much of a life, so I was always metaphorically in a tower too. I have childish interests, am artistic and creative, have done LOTS of self-insert art like her, and am a generally happy person (even if I don’t always show it and don’t smile enough). So, out of every character in my many fandoms, I relate to Rapunzel the most. Also, I have only 2 things of Tangled merch-the movie, the soundtrack, and a gorgeous bedspread that’s actually based on the show, but doesn’t look like it. (I don’t like it’s animation/character designs, so it’s been hard to get into it.)

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom.

OMG, do we have to go here? Anything over-sexualized or kinky or just plain gross/weird. (v***, gore, ect.) There’s this one X-Men:Evo artist on DA that would be brilliant, but I can’t stomach their gallery because they feel the need to do a few v*** and bondage pics amongst otherwise G-rated pictures. *throws up* IT’S A SHOW FOR 7-YEAR OLDS!!

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom.

Huge guy, Tiny girl! (but it looks...weird...in live action. *Good Luck Charlie flashbacks*.) Also age differences. Some people are put off by Usagi and Mamo’s age difference in Classic, but I think it’s cute and they were really chaste about it. Specifically, I liked the part where he told her to do well in school for some reason.

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (i.e., fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)? Holy crap, Pride and Prejudice and Anne of Green Gables. No one on my dash is into them though, it’s a real life thing. Long story.

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! (Prompts optional but encouraged.)

I have written more self-inserts than is probably healthy, but at least I’ve mostly gotten past my teenage phase of thinking anime guys are hot and it’s extended to Gambit as well. I’d much rather see him be portrayed by a living, breathing actor semi-bringing my fantasies to life than as a drawn character. Well, not that I’m not happy seeing him animated and his voice in Evo is still super hot, but that’s another thing. Anyway, on that note, I wish XM:E weren’t a dead fandom and I could get more reviews instead of just faves/follows. I get so frustrated, because I’m not writing my fics for myself, I’m writing them to finish the story and for the fans. I know OCs/SI aren’t everyones bread and butter, but when you work hard on something, you want people to enjoy and appreciate it on it’s own merits. My regulars dropped off the planet and the fandom is just not that active online. (It’s still kind of active though, otherwise the Gambit and other prints on Steven Gordon’s online store wouldn’t have sold out so fast.) I wish it had been as creative as the MLP fandom, but even that wouldn’t have saved it. Thankfully, there are a few people “keeping the faith”, like Coldfusion180 and some others. They haven’t abandoned it and people have made AMVs for it in recent years, long after the shows cancellation. I know we’ve all moved on in one way or another, but it’s still nice to see the love for the show and it’s characters going strong, even if we’re now a niche fandom, tiny, but there. And even if I don’t get another single review up until the last in the series, at least I can say I finished it, if nothing else. Even if your fandom is dead, keep supporting it. If we don’t keep the characters alive, they die and are forgotten. They need us.

https://fanfiction.net/~miniwolfsbane

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surveys-at-your-service · 8 years

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Survey #78

“why are the children all marching into the desert to die?”

list your three favorite scents. lilac, uhhh and then cinnamon and coffee, maybe? how do you ground yourself or recharge? sleep, go online... comfort food? my #1 is definitely ice cream have you ever been on a laptop inside a vehicle? no while on the road, do you play any road games? not anymore are you scared of semi-trucks? especially when you’re driving next to one? AHHHH YES if you have any pets, do you talk to them in a baby voice? hell yeah! do you like screamo music? i do not. i want to be able to understand the words. like, they can even be in different languages, i don't care, i just want to understand clear words. what is the relationship between you and the person you last kissed? much to my dismay, there isn't one. if you could change your name what would you change it to? zoey, probably. have you ever tried weed? no, and i have no desire to. how much effort did you put into your last relationship? way, way, way too much. are you a patient person? NOPE. do you have impulse control? DOUBLE NOPE can you use chopsticks? my tremors would never allow it. do you like the smell of gasoline? NO NO NO NO NONONONONO did you ever live in a house with more than one story? nope what’s your favorite fast food place? bojangle's what's your favorite alcoholic drink? i haven't tried many, but the best thing i've had thus far was a watermelon margarita thing. have you ever given yourself a tattoo? no, and i wouldn't. i'm very serious about the professionalism of my tats. do you ever buy your pet(s) birthday or christmas presents? sure do! can you lick your nose? nope. can you lick your elbow? nope. would you rather watch a movie in theater or at home? defs in theaters. do you still own any vhs tapes? do you ever watch them? no, mom got rid of them all. what hobby have you always wanted to pick up? hmmm. crafts. have you ever rolled off your bed in your sleep? no. have you ever had a penpal? nope. do you put your shirt on or your pants on first? pants are you afraid of spiders? only if they are venomous or have extremely long legs in comparison to their bodies. have you ever been stung by a bee? i haven't. do you enjoy board games? no. what do you like on your burgers? (cheese, ketchup, mustard..) cheese, ketchup, mustard, onion pieces, pickles how much water do you drink each day? none. do you enjoy mario games? not particularly, but with friends, sure. has the last person you kissed met your father? he has. what’s your favorite breed of dog? akita inus, chow chows, beagles... do you swear in front of your parents? i'm totally open around my dad, but i usually don't say "fuck" around mom. what would you do if you found out you were pregnant to the last person you kissed? cry and probably become obsessed with the child's well-being, even while in utero. can you make yourself cry? i can't. what do you tend to drink a lot of? milk have you ever woke up crying from a bad dream? yes, and i once woke up screaming. have you ever had to block anyone online? i've been actively using the internet since dial-up, whatcha think? are you scared of ending up alone? i'm legitimately horrified. are your pets asleep right now, if you have any? i'm not at home, so idk. have you ever done three or more shots in a row? i've never done shots. favorite undersea creature? dolphins i think, but i also really like jellyfish and whales. seahorses, too. describe the darker side to your personality. more than anything, i can be viciously jealous. i have an interior savagery, but just barely enough control to contain it. what makes a movie really enjoyable for you? creative, whimsical story and artwork, drama, and relatable characters. favorite type of bird? owls. favorite forest animal? deer! do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second? absolutely not. what is your favorite video game console? why? ps2 has the best games. do you like vanilla candles? sure do. how many girlfriends/boyfriends have told you they love you? one, i think. juan might have... have you ever smoked a cigarette? no. who did you last share a taxi with? i've never been in one. do you vape? nope. do you enjoy the arctic monkeys? i like two songs. where’s your favorite place to shop for clothes? rebel's market. have you ever seen a mountain in person? i have. have you ever explored somewhere abandoned? i have. there's a shack and old house near my house that friends and i explored when i was younger. we got in trouble lol. have you ever found a four-leaf clover? i discovered a patch of four-leaf clovers the day after my dad left... (: would you rather live in a coastal town or a town closer to the forest? ohhh. can it be in the forest? are you lazy? i am, honestly. regularly burn incense? i used to. i need more sticks... who was your high school crush? i had a few. i was kinda interested in a guy named kyle, i really liked this boy sebastian, but my biggest crush was jason. are you cpr certified? no. who accompanied you to your first concert? mom, nicole, and jason. do you and your friends listen to similar music? depends on the friend. my best friend, no. do you believe in the idea of taking from the rich and giving to the poor? why or why not? no, because who says the rich don't deserve what they've accumulated? do you believe that animals are capable of “human” emotion? why not? it's very obvious that they feel emotion; now are their emotions the same as how we humans feel it, maybe not, but they obviously feel. who do you consider “family?” my mom, dad, ashley, nicole, katie, bobby, misty, a few aunts and uncles and uncles, colleen, chelsea, bradley, and despite having no relationship with him, jason will always be my family. could you sacrifice yourself for someone you barely knew? honestly, no. does the thought of having children scare you? horrifies me. i'd prefer to never imagine pushing a seven-pound human being out of my fucking vagina. xbox or playstation? playstation! have you ever asked someone out? i kinda-sorta initiated the asking out with aaron, but not exactly? when do you want to get married? i see 23 as an ideal marrying age, but there's literally no way that'll happen with me unless j comes back. did you like your middle school life? ACTUALLY fuck that. that's when my anxiety and depression started, and it was just... awkward and uncomfortable. have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? yes and no... maybe. like, with jason, i thought to myself, "wow, he's really weird" when i met him, but at the same time, i found myself thinking, "this guy's gonna mean something." what’s your favorite zoo animal? meerkats, on the rare occasion they have them. do you have any plans for tomorrow? skating! :D what’s your favorite part about the fall? the colorful foliage, omg! which scooby-doo character are you most like (scooby, shaggy, daphne, fred, velma, the monster, scrappy?) probably scooby or shaggy. what “group” did you belong to in high school? i resonated/made friends with mostly the goths, emos, metalheads... describe your favorite pair of pj’s. a black pair of pajama pants with a design of harley quinn holding two guns sitting on her knees with "hey, puddin'" written beneath her. i usually wore them when i wanted j's dick honestly lmao. i still wear them tho honestly just 'cuz they're comfortable. if you could have any job in the world, which one would you want? meerkat biologist OR a member of the mythical crew how did you learn to ride a bicycle? my dad taught me. (: have you ever been to a sports game? hockey, yes. have you seen all the shrek movies? no and i cry every night because of it. have you ever finished a whole video game? of course do you know anyone with a pet snake? currently, i don't believe so. your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? they did split, and i live(d) with my mom. how does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? i've seen one picture of him with his current girlfriend, and i legitimately wanted to murder the bitch. no exaggeration. have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend? multiple times. what is on your bed right now? well, my own bed is in storage right now to my understanding, but the bed i'm using at colleen's currently just had pillows and blankets. are you someone’s best friend? i am! :D what do you think of when you think of australia? my friend shaylee ever ridden on a roller coaster? no, too scared. what is your birthstone? amethyst is anyone jealous of you? literally no reason to ever be. do any of your friends have children? not any close friends how did you get one of your scars? i scratched the fuck out of my leg. it was overly itchy. honestly, what is your point of a view of a friend who goes for their friend’s exes? consult your friend about it. when was the last time you laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe? when playing "cards against humanity" with colleen, chelsea, and bradley would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? zoo! do you sleep with a night light? no. do you bite your toenails? nope. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? overall, i feel most connected to otep's lyrics. have you ever gone to the person you like’s best friend to help you out? no. who is the most blunt person that you know? colleen do you think you will be going to sleep soon? i might take a nap. what nervous habits do you have? my eyes dart, i play with/knead my hands, avoid eye contact, etc. when was the last time you were hit on by someone? i'm not sure. what is your ringtones on your cellular? "telescope" by starset do you wear makeup? rarely. do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? nope. what is your pet’s name? the only pet i personally "own" is teddy, a beagle-cocker spaniel mix. do you have any siblings? do you get along? my two immediate siblings are ashley and nicole. what is your favorite color? maroon. what color are your eyes? blue do you like your parents? i love them. how long does it take you to shower? like 8 minutes. is the last person you kissed older than you? by two years name everyone you kissed this year: no one is it awkward when you run into your ex’s? i've never "run into" him. i've seen him once, but it wasn't awkward honestly. have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? probably hundreds of times... do you change your phone background a lot? nope. think back to your last relationship. was it worth it? yes, it was. has anyone seen you in your underwear, other than mom? yep. do you hate being the first person to start a conversation? sure do. if you had to live off one type of fruit, which would you pick? strawberries what do you usually order from olive garden? spicy shrimp fritas. fucking perfection. how do you like your steak cooked? well done do you know anyone who self-harms? i know people who have, but i certainly hope they still don't. do you have any siblings? what are their names, age, and grade they are in? doing immediate siblings only. ashley: she's 24, i think, and she's graduated. nicole: she's 18 and is a freshman in college. do you know a schizophrenic person? yes. my own half-sister tiffany is a schizophrenic. do you own many pairs of shorts? i don't have any. is there a certain song you like to headbang to? surprisingly, i don't headbang. is there a band/artist who has strange lyrics but you love them anyway? rammstein's lyrics are rather different imo did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? i really did! do you have a favorite font on the computer? garamond, i assume. have you ever been severely burned? nope. did you ever dream that you had a baby? multiple times. what was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? hm, not sure... do you try clothes on before you buy them? i avoid that shit like the plague, but i guess if i have to. by society's standards, are you attractive? probably not, idk? mostly because i'm fat, so. i do have clear skin though? would you let your kid smoke weed? if i found my child smoking weed, that would probably be the closest i'd ever get to beating their fucking ass, to be frank about it. are you mentally stable? "no" should be the obvious answer. do you think marijuana is safer than alcohol? in some ways, sure. what do you hear right now? "the dope show" by marilyn manson, chelsea talking in her room... have you ever been in an abusive relationship? no. what color is your favorite bra? it's mostly baby pink, but has a black, swirly design on it. which would you rather have, a new puppy or kitten? i'd actually quite enjoy a kitten right now. if you could have one power, what would it be? shape-shifting. would you ever date out of your own race? yeah. do you still watch movies intended for children? every now and again. who is your favorite stand-up comedian? john pinette. what is your strangest phobia? whale sharks. what is the most pointless movie that you have ever seen? "the purge." just the concept of it was so stupid. i mean, the film was okay, but still pointless. have you ever kissed someone of the same gender as you? romantically, no. when a bee is coming close to you, do you stand still or run away? depends on the kind of bee. ex., wasp, i'm running. honeybee, it's cool. are you self conscious about wearing a bathing suit? very, yes. if you had to play one sport for a living, what would it be? dance. have your parents ever thought you were gay? what happened? i don't think so, no. what’s the best thing to eat for breakfast? pancakes are your parents more liberal or conservative? conservative, mostly, with some liberal views. when was the last time you saw your best friend? this morning. i am currently living with her; she's at work atm. how many jobs have you ever had? (including things like babysitting) two. do you have family meals when it’s someones birthday? we go out to eat somewhere nice-ish. are you comfortable talking to both your parents about sex and boys? mom, sure, but i would never discuss sex with dad. have you ever wanted to be a teacher? not at all. what do you think is overrated? i don't really call things "overrated." well-liked things are liked for a reason. what is underrated? the band otep. they should really be better known. can spiders jump? yes, they can. there was a sculpture that was supposed to be displayed for a week in the rockefeller center in nyc of a falling woman - designed as a memorial to those who jumped or fell to their death from the world trade center. it was complained about as grotesque, inappropriate and describe as 'not art.’ what do you think? who says something grotesque cannot be art? it was absolutely art and carried with it a heavy message. it shouldn't have been censored by not showing it. has anyone ever mistaken you for a satanist? with my wardrobe, probably. what did you see today that was beautiful in an ordinary way? i saw my best friend. are you dyslexic? no sir. do you agree with the people who say that everyone is bi-sexual even if they don’t want to admit it? heard that before, and it's bullshit. if you are the only human on the planet of the apes do you have sex with an ape? ugh, no. do you believe that black people should get money to make up for their previous enslavement? ... the fuck is this? no??? look, i am in no way racist or anything, but there is no reason to pay african americans because of past mistreatment? like, that shit's done and over with? have you ever tried to write poetry or song lyrics? poetry, yeah. do you like men who have a sensitive side? it's like. mandatory for me. dangly earrings, hoop earrings, simple studs, or no earrings at all? hmmm, studs. would you ever wear black lipstick? do you know anyone who does? i do sometimes. do you lecture people about drugs? if one prompts me too, yes. if you could pick the temperature of the outdoors for the rest of your life, what would it be? like... 49, maybe? who was the last person to call you babe? probably colleen, potentially juan. do you have family problems? yes. were you smiling when you woke up this morning? who the fuck just wakes up smiling? do you like being in pictures? while it's great to be included, i only really like it if i'm taking the picture, 'cuz i know how to flatter my face. do you sneak out? at 21, i can't exactly "sneak out," but when i was a teenager, no, i never did. how would you spend a day at the beach? in the ocean have you ever experienced altitude sickness? nope. do you ever make a big deal out of nothing? only constantly. have you ever written anything on a bathroom stall? nope. are your hands unsteady? yes, i have an essential tremor. are you scared of moving on? FUCKING HORRIFIED. when talking on the phone, do you place it against your left or right ear? right ear are you scared you’ll get a q-tip stuck inside your ear? nope. do you use index cards to help you prepare for tests? i never did. what’s your favorite flavor of sunflower seeds? i don't like sunflower seeds. what's currently on your mind? meh. i feel... alone and unaccomplished. i just found out a veeery old friend of mine is moving out with her girlfriend soon, and. idk. seeing her grow up like that makes me jealous. i miss having another half, okay? what’s your favorite hairstyle on a guy? kill me pls, bc i like emo/scene hair the most ;-; what color is your hairbrush? hot pink have you ever dated someone with curly hair? not full-blown curly, no. very few of j's tips would be curly, but his hair overall was more wavy. how many of the people you’ve kissed have had brown eyes? one. what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said to the person you like? "i love you." are you currently in a “i wouldn’t mind if i lost 50 pounds” kind of mood? losing 50 pounds would honestly be spectacular. are your parents religious? yeah. would you like to have twins? fuck no. if your best friend liked your last ex, what would you do? oh, i'd tell her off. want to have kids before you’re 30? it'd be ideal. has someone ever made a promise to you and broke it? sure has. would you ever date anyone covered in tattoos? sure. do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? female. are you interested in more than one person at the moment? nope.

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