#but even with the memory issues... yeah | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

withthewindinherfootsteps · 9 months ago

Text

Wei Wuxian and Narrative Agency – Part Three

For Xiantober Day Five: Past and Present, in which the author gets very unhinged about what parts of the past are shown and how that’s affected by the present!

(Part One | Part Two | Full version on AO3)

The Power of Agency: Shaping the Narrative

When I've discussed Wei Wuxian's agency previously, I’ve talked about how what’s shown and omitted tells us about a character, and we’ve talked about the character himself. Though this is a niche topic, it’s not necessarily something out of the ordinary to analyse, and we can assume everything up to here has been in some way intentional.

This? Linking structure to a character’s in-universe preferences?

This is where we get unhinged.

Before I start, let’s quickly establish something which will be important later: although Wei Wuxian is the central character, MDZS isn’t strictly from his POV. While omitting events a character doesn’t like to dwell on and concealing things the character wishes to hide is common in books with only one narrator, MDZS has multiple narrators which it switches between relatively quickly. This includes Wei Wuxian, but it also includes nearly every major character that appears in the story, and omniscient narrator as well. As a default, this format doesn’t lead to this deliberate shaping and omission because of one character’s preferences, since we have many other sources of information and events – which is what makes Wei Wuxian’s influence over the narrative and structure so interesting. We could have access to a lot more information, and access to it at different times, than we do (and that’s not an insult, quite the opposite!).

To begin: we’ve established that times such as Wei Wuxian’s time on the streets, his three months in the Burial Mounds and his loss in the Siege aren’t shown because Wei Wuxian has little agency there. But that’s not the only special thing about them. They’re also the three most traumatic times in his life, and so moments Wei Wuxian himself either can’t remember, or doesn’t like to dwell on.

This is why discussing Wei Wuxian’s treatment of tragedy in his life was important. Firstly, it shows he doesn’t focus on the tragedy in his life, so the idea that the narrative not focusing on this tragedy relates to his character has merit; secondly, it affirms that this is not a passive trait, but a choice. Therefore, when the narrative omits events due to this aspect of Wei Wuxian, it’s respecting not only a character detail – which would be cool by itself – but also an active decision. One that shapes the story it’s made in.

In other words, its very structure is respecting Wei Wuxian’s agency!

Now, of course there are flashbacks to other moments of his past he probably wouldn’t like to dwell on, too. But within the structure, they’re only shown when Wei Wuxian is thinking about them (or when he has reason to)!

Wei WuXian hadn’t woken up yet. His eyes were still tightly shut, yet his hand didn’t let go either. He seemed to be dreaming, muttering, “… Don’t… Don’t be angry…” Lan WangJi seemed somewhat surprised. His voice was gentle, “I am not angry.” Wei WuXian, “… Oh.” Hearing this, as though he finally felt assured, his fingers loosened. Lan WangJi sat beside Wei WuXian for a while. Seeing that he was motionless again, he was about to stand up when Wei WuXian grabbed him with his other hand, hugging his arm and refusing to let go. He shouted, “I’ll go with you, quick, take me back to your sect!” Chapter 63, EXR translation

Which, of course, is him dwelling on…

Lan WangJi spoke one word at a time, “Go back to Gusu with me.” Hearing this, both Wei WuXian and Jiang Cheng were surprised. Quickly afterward, Wei WuXian laughed, “Go back to Gusu with you? To the Cloud Recesses? Why go there?” He immediately seemed to realize, “Oh. I forgot. Your uncle Lan QiRen hates crooked people like me. You’re his proudest disciple, so of course you’re the same as him, haha. I refuse.” Chapter 62, EXR translation

…the painful flashback immediately preceding this. The third set of flashbacks (which are also painful) are a similar case. Look at the contex:

He lifted the bottom of his robe, revealing a prosthetic leg made of wood, “This leg of mine was destroyed by you, that night in the Nightless City (…)” (…) “Wei WuXian, I won’t ask you if you remember or not. Both of my parents died by your hands. You owe too many people. You definitely won’t remember them either. But, I, Fang MengChen, will never forget! And never forgive you!” (…) “In the fight at Qiongqi Path, my son was strangled to death by your dog Wen Ning!” “My shixiong died by poison, his entire body festering due to your cruel curse!” Chapter 68 (immediately preceding the flashbacks), EXR translation

And Wei Wuxian’s own thoughts and words:

Wei WuXian looked at the cultivators before the Demon-Slaughtering Cave. Their expressions were the absolute same as those of the cultivators from the night of the pledge conference, pouring their wine on the ground as they took the pledge to scatter the ashes of the Wen Sect’s remnants and him. (…) Wei WuXian, “Now it’s time to ask just whom it is that treasures it so much. It’s like Wen Ning. Back then, some certain sects or so were scared to death of the Ghost General. They said they’d kill him on the surface, but behind their backs they hid him for over ten years. How strange. Who was the one that said his ashes had been scattered back then?” Chapter 79 (immediately succeeding the flashbacks), EXR translation

Once again, Wei Wuxian’s own thoughts relate to the flashbacks we’ve just been shown. And, as I previously mentioned, though all the events which are shown are tragic, they’re also events which Wei Wuxian’s own choices and actions shaped – which he has this to say about:

“The things I did, not only do you remember them, I remember them too. You won’t forget them, and they’ll stay even longer in my mind!” Chapter 82, EXR

Admittedly, this applies more to the third set of flashbacks than the second (which is still fitting as the third set was the most recent), as in the second, although he still had agency within and influence over his circumstances, the majority of the pain was caused by others’ actions (excluding, of course, the Golden Core transfer… which is something we know stays for a long time in his mind, albeit with a caveat we’ll soon discuss). But it’s still important to note – especially considering that otherwise, focusing on this very painful time in his life wouldn’t seem like something very in-character for Wei Wuxian to do.

Of course, this can all just be explained by good writing. It is best to insert flashbacks when they’re relevant to the characters and events in the present day! But it is interesting to compare these to the start of the (not painful) Gusu flashbacks, which open this way:

At a later time, Wei WuXian pondered upon the reason why his relationship with Lan WangJi wasn’t good. Getting to the root of the matter, everything started when he was fifteen, coming to the GusuLan Sect with Jiang Cheng to study for three months. Chapter 13, EXR

Again, considering the circumstances around which these flashbacks take place – returning to the Cloud Recesses for the first time since the lectures, and meeting Lan Wangji once more – it makes complete sense for Wei Wuxian to be thinking about these events*. So it does fit the pattern of Wei Wuxian dwelling on something, thus leading to the narrative dwelling on it, too (and being shaped by his thoughts)… but there’s another layer to this. Importantly, it is the only flashback where Wei Wuxian’s present thoughts don’t lead to this happening, with his thoughts at an unspecified future time leading to it, instead. I like to interpret this as the text saying that, since these events aren’t something Wei Wuxian wouldn’t focus on in normal circumstances, he can dwell on them at any time. Therefore, they’re free to come up in the narrative at any time as well, even if he’s not dwelling on them in the present moment!

So, to summarise: Wei Wuxian’s decision not to focus on the painful times in his life directly influences the narrative to not focus on these times. When painful times are brought up and shown to us, it’s in the context of him thinking about them in the present day, and even then, his most painful moments still aren’t shown to us. His agency in this regard is still respected by the narrative structure.

This is the main way his agency influences the structure of the narrative, but I’d like to talk about the revealing and concealing of information, too. For example, I said I’d talk about the Golden Core transfer – though Wei Wuxian does think about this many times, as evidenced by his internal narration in Chapter 103. But unlike everything we’re shown through the flashbacks, this is something Wei Wuxian is actively trying to hide from others. And the narrative respects this choice (Wei Wuxian’s agency, again), never reveals it even when it would be relevant in the flashbacks, and we find out not through narration, but through a character’s dialogue!

And to clarify – I know these aspects may not be in the book for this exact reason. Showing flashbacks in relevant moments is good writing, concealing an important plot point you want to do a reveal for is necessary writing, and MXTX has said she didn’t want to write about Wei Wuxian’s time in the Burial Mounds, due to not liking to write transformation sequences (and also because it would not be pleasant at all, which likely also applies to Wei Wuxian’s death). That doesn’t prevent it from also being intentional – MXTX’s intelligence is shown in many aspects of this book, and there’s nothing disproving it – but there’s no proof for either option, so I won’t pretend there is. I bring this up because I know this feels like I’m overanalysing, as I feel that way as well.

But, whether it’s intentional or not, it exists in the text, and I adore it – so, regardless, it’s something I’ll explore. Because taking this into account… We aren't just told about Wei Wuxian having agency, we aren’t just shown it in the text, we aren’t even just shown it through which parts of his past are shown and hidden in the structure of the text (as I talked about in Part One). The parts of the past that are shown and hidden also have an in-universe reason for being shown and hidden, this reason being the choices he makes! Agency is the ability of a character to influence the story they’re in, but Wei Wuxian’s agency, as a property of a character who only exists in-universe, shapes the out-of-universe structure as well! That’s how we’re shown its importance! How cool is that?

At The End Of The Road: Summary and Final Thoughts

In this essay, we’ve covered how important Wei Wuxian’s agency is not only to the events of the plot, but to the structure of the narrative as well. The narrative omits periods in which Wei Wuxian has little or no agency, in favour of showing us periods in which he does, even when important events happened in the former. This indicates that who Wei Wuxian is without agency isn’t important enough to be shown to the audience, and therefore that his agency is an integral aspect of his character in MDZS. We’ve discussed how both in-universe and out-of-universe, tragedy does not define him – out-of-universe, the tragic events in Wei Wuxian’s life are used not to build sympathy but rather to show his strength of character and who he still is despite going through them; and in-universe, he chooses not to focus on the negativity and resentment caused by his circumstances or others’ actions, instead staying true to his moral compass and enjoying his life in the present day. Finally, we’ve also explored how this choice is another reason for the omission of certain events from the narrative, resulting in his agency shaping the story in a very literal way – it affects the out-of-universe structure, as well.

It’s quite fitting, for a story whose essence is about defying a conventional narrative – that of righteous clans rising up and defeating a great evil – and about a character who defies many conventional narratives on his own – that of status defining how skilled you could be, that for a golden core being necessary for cultivation and other paths being unavailable, that of a tragic but complete story of someone killed for staying true to their moral code (instead, that character returns to life and has a happy ending) – to have its own narrative play a role in such an important and interesting way.

(Or, if an image would be preferable:)

Thank you for reading!

(Part One | Part Two | Full version on AO3)

*This strong relation to the present day circumstances is another reason I love the flashback placement so much (and why I think it’s such a loss both screen adaptions altered it so strongly)!

#get ready for tag thoughts because there are a LOT of them #it’s for THIS reason that fanon wwx bothers me so much (didn’t want to get negative on the acual post)#bc so often all the changes are changes that woobify him!#self-sacrificial idiot wwx?? only doing things because… poor him he has so many internal issues and values himself so little-#-so of course he’d sacrifice everything before thinking of another option? woobifying #(whenever he sacrifices something it’s a deliberate choice to act on his morals because he values his morals so much – and he’s also very-#-capable and DOES often find ways for no people to get hurt!)#wasn’t aware that what happened to him at lotus pier was wrong and needs lwj to tell him that for him to have any idea if it?#woobifying (as we see in the lotus seed pod extra he KNOWS it’s unfair)#(he downplays it retroactively in his memory (links into not focusing on the bad things in his life))#(but that’s the actions themselves that are being downplayed not their fairness!)#he chooses to act! he is defined by acting! not tragedy – all the more impressive in the face of the amount of tragedy that’s happened #he could SO EASILY have been a woobie but instead he’s the opposite of one: defined BY his agency instead of the absence of it #that doesn’t mean he’s not impacted by tragedy or trauma – he is! but it’s not the most important aspect of his character (bc he doesn’t le #it’s also something that bothers me about the changes cql made #by making qq path and nightless city the fault of someone else it means he IS someone who’s more a victim of circumstance than anything els #he had no control over the tragedies of his first life at all #apart from ig his death being controlled by him? because he just leaps off the cliff during the nightless city siege?? but in THAT case it’#i watched that part recently (i’m getting through it very slowly) and yeah it reaffirmed my love for this aspect of the book even more #despite. having these exact thoughts for two years already #he also dwells on the past events a lot more than book wwx which adds to that version of him BEING defined more by tragedy rather than who #anyway over 7.3k words total (and 400 more in the tags apparently)... it'll be posted to ao3 in its completion this evening!#mdzs meta #my meta #wei wuxian #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #魔道祖师 #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #gdc

65 notes · View notes

natsumiikan · 24 days ago

Text

I just finished the natlan archon quest after putting it off forever and it was mind-blowingly mid but I think I realized what the problem is. There's no Yuri 💔

#☁️🌕☁️.txt #ok that's only part of the issue mainly the writing was flat and the characterization (ESP of mavuika) felt so... bland #like i watched minsleif's mavuika vid bc i felt like i needed someone to word it well and she was completely correct #she does TECHNICALLY have character flaws. but she never grows never changes and these flaws never affect the story in a meaningful way #we only see her being “wrong” ONCE and it's when capitano takes the metaphorical bullet for her #she's just not portrayed as interesting...#i would have loved to see a moment of hesitation and grief before she burned her mementos #a moment of abject fear and dread when only 4 heros were known #even in the private of her own space! other characters could have seen her as perfect! but even in her memory road scenes she still didn't #have much depth. like when she was explaining to her family her plan to leave and come back 500 years later #i feel like the little sister could've been a really good character to Show mavuika's inherent hypocrisy that isn't really touched on much #if her sister in that scene said something like “in natlan nobody fights alone and you're leaving us to fight ALONE” and mavuika sort of #floundered and maybe even snapped a little and there was never a good resolution UNTIL they met again in the final fight sequence #that would've been so much more interesting!! showing mavuika's hypocrisy and martyr complex having an IMPACT on both her and her loved ones #also a moment of showing the stress in moments of being alone. she's a perfectionist but she isn't perfect #the pressure Would make her a little crazy even if she doesn't outwardly display it #like she's an inverse to furina who was characterized SOOOO well #she had. SO much potential for the same #and we got a cardboard cutout 😕#AND on top of all of that there's no real yuri in natlan #there were moments a true himejoshi could spin a whole yarn from #but there wasn't any that wouldn't require an in depth hear me out #like jeanlisa eimiko beiguang clorivia these all went without saying pretty much #like OH yeah that's yuri obviously come on now #and having that dynamic adds tension and interest! it makes the characters more interesting #idk natlan rlly flopped hard sorry :( i liked the Lore i liked ronova and the lord of the night and everything #just the actual characters and dynamics felt so... uninteresting. paimon felt the most interesting in the whole aq #maybe kachina as a close second or chasca #or ororon tbh. both of whom i have character design gripes with but their writing was pretty good!#thinking abt it now sumeru didn't really have good yuri either but nahida and wanderer rlly carried the plot. but lowkey lumine and jeht...

8 notes · View notes

optimistic-autistic · 1 month ago

Text

does any other autistic person here have a permanent feeling of Disconnect from their surroundings and the people in their life

#idk man just #i've always seen a lot of posts that are like “i always felt so lonely/left out/excluded/outcasted/etc”#about growing up autistic. and like yeah i did go through all of that but #i hardly noticed #because it was only me in my little world and i did not care or even notice #and i feel bad and are kind of objectively a shitty friend half the time because #i forget people. i forget to actually connect with them #i don't miss people. i can't feel that. like actually have never felt it #i don't have empathy which isn't bad on its own but it makes me feel so far away from others #i don't feel anything when others do and i have to verbally remind myself that other people have different experiences #and different emotions whenever i don't understand someone. it's something i physically don't understand #so i need to do it cognitively and conciously instead #and then there's the issue of if i actually feel like this or if i just can't remember #because i know the concept of emotional amnesia exists but idk if it's like system exclusive (which. i'm not going to unpack)#and i definitely have that. i have a handful of traumatic memories i can kind of recall and. i don't feel them #it's like watching a video kind of #and the general amnesia too like once a week or even less passes i forget the general idea of what happened during that time #that one is not too bad but whenever i talk to people it does kind of show #i feel platonic stuff strongly i guess but not all the time #so half the time i feel like i don't care about anything or anyone and the only thing that makes me think i do #is the sense of justice #and the only strong emotions i feel anymore are like anger and jealousy which i hate #i just feel weird. and everyone is so weird to me #and i hate everything #vent #actually autistic #autism #neurodivergent #i just need to know if this is normal #there's more but like

14 notes · View notes

howdidthisevenhappenanyway · 9 months ago

Text

I don’t know how to express how important it is to me that there are free droids fighting as rebels in star wars.

they are set free and they’re like the empire sucks we got to kill that virus

rebel droids. It’s just so crucial to me somehow

#and the fact that anakin betrays r2d2 and c3po and is like hunting them #it’s just like such a massive detail #the fact that lucas made these two droids who linked the twins and helped carry the message that saved the galaxy that they used to be major #parts of anakin’s life…it’s so interesting to me #and then you have chopper. beloved.#I didn’t get to see all of kenobi before my disney+ ran out but the droid in that show that was like a metal worker or soemthing? it can’t #even talk but it will absolutely beat an imp to death #if it needs to #hell fucking yeah #droid rights droid rights!#k2so #bb8 #there are others but I am having memory issues today

26 notes · View notes

uchiha-gaeshi · 5 months ago

Text

Does anyone else automatically size themselves up with people their age and look for ways that you’re inferior to them? Just me? Ok….

#the reasons why I think like this are…complicated #honestly a lot to do with the #adhd struggle bus #surprise surprise the neurodevelopmental condition has overarching and very specific effects on my life and how I interact with the world #of course disclaimer that this weird thing I have is not inherent to adhd #but maybe is a way of thinking I developed in part due to it #this is a me thing if anyone else relates to this fine but you don’t have to #I think thi oversharing series is a way for me to microdose journaling #I try to get into journaling but I have way too many thoughts #it’s all or nothing either I write nothing or I spend 3 hours documenting everything thought I had that week #I think a lot of this has to do with my persistent issues with time management #and I’ve tried to hide this struggle in a lot of ways because ngl it’s embarrassing #to the point where I held myself back from doing certain things I wanted to do because ‘hmm could you handle it though you’re already #struggling to manage in school with the bare minimum. maybe you just suck’#and this is probably because I went to a college prep school so yeah #there were 14 year olds taking multivariable calculus and people with various talents #to say that I was intimidated would be an understatement. it’s strange because while in middle school my self esteem was decent it dropped #in high school like how stock prices dropped in the beginning of Covid #even though I was like an ok kid I somehow convinced myself that I was dumb and inept #all because I struggled with one area in my life #honestly I’m not sure if I can paint a clear picture of this time. for one #memories are complex. but I do remember feeling that way and needing a lot of support to be hyped up #fuck #I’m now remembering how my aunt used to be that person. she was my cheerleader growing up and practically raised me in childhood #she passed away from cancer right when I turned 15 #shit I’m crying now #during this time in my life I needed a lot of reassurance since I took any small failure as a sign from the universe that I was indeed inept #it was her and my middle school friend who used to rant to me about dragon ball and pewdiepie that hyped me up #my parents were a mixed bag. unfortunately they too sorta overreacted to things like getting a B in math. they used to make me feel like #uchiha-gaeshi overshares

8 notes · View notes

have-kake · 1 year ago

Text

Reading other people's LU fics is so weird sometimes. Like I operate w/ a very concrete idea of what all their ages are, so seeing the dude I headcanon as 22 be 16 in a fic is jarring haha

It's not a bad thing, but it's kinda funny.

That's kinda what I like abt LU tho. The only Link's age we know is Wind. Everyone one else is an unknown. We know Twi was 18 during TP, but we don't know how long it's been so he's also an unknown. It lets us imagine what we believe to be appropriate. I hope we never get their current ages

Edit: turns out I deadass forgot abt Wild who says he's 117. but he got memory issues so is he really lol

#idk maybe it's cuz I'm 4'9 and almost 30 that I see four and think “yeah he's 22”#the fic isn't even about four. it was just a throwaway line ;A;#but on a similar note. seeing Hyrule written as being 19-20 always feels weird cuz he has such strong 16y/o energy imo #old enough that people expect him to be an adult (hence the occasional shyness)#but still young enough that he sometimes gets treated like a child #linked universe #in my defense. I'm not the biggest wild fan. and I also posit. bro has serious memory issues #he could've just been like *well flora turned 17 when the calamity happened. I'm prob around the same age*

38 notes · View notes

hewhobreathesfire · 3 months ago

Text

I'm not afraid to admit I cried a little bit when I was laying on the sidewalk temporarily stunned. and I kept crying while speed walking to the bus stop a few blocks away. that shit hurt so bad, on top of an already miserable morning.

#woke up on time. got dressed + ate and was ready to go with a solid half hour until I had to leave #so I decided to set an alarm for 20 minutes and be warm and cozy in bed instead of risking flashbacks by sitting on the couch #however sleep me (asshole. I suspect its the same part that has caused issues like this before) turned off the alarm when it rang #and fell asleep again #I woke up with barely enough time to make it to the bus stop #and then I fucking fell! everything hurts!#I was late for class and couldn't log in because my instructor shares her screen which can't be moved from the login screen.#which was completely covered #and she straight up said that I could “just watch” and to suck it up (the latter was said differently but that was the gist)#just watching a practical skill demo is useless! I couldn't even take notes because those are all in a document I needed to log in to access #so. yeah. its sucked today. it's sucked so badly #one of my friends felt so bad for me that she bought me lunch because she wanted to do something nice for me ;-;#it was. by the way. incredible. the cafeteria + kitchen staff make some really tasty shit #today it was. a rose sauce over risotto + arugula + roast beef #easily the fanciest thing I've eaten in recent memory. the portioning was generous as well and it was just. holy shit #I forget that I do actually enjoy “real food” when it's not prepared by my mother with an undiagnosed ED who kind of forced her ED onto us #the longer I am free of her the more willing to try “healthy” food I am becoming. healthy food doesn't inherently taste bad.#it's a lesson that's taking time but I'm getting braver #anyways. that was a highlight for the day. it's not even 1 PM yet.#I also got praise from an instructor for answering a theory question in a way she hadn't heard from a student before and was impressed with #so that was also nice.#I'm home now and I'm gonna try to loosen the muscles around my left tm joint so it'll eventually go back in #if my jaw is still out like this tomorrow.. I'll have to get medical attention. this happening after so many years of my jaw behaving #bodes ill for the frequency of future subluxations #🥴🔫

4 notes · View notes

beigetiger · 3 months ago

Text

On one hand, giving education about trans and gay people to kids is good (even if they explain no other sexualities/genders), on the OTHER hand, I really wish they'd done a better job, because it was pretty fuckin obvious I was trans as a kid but I never knew that because I'd only ever been given one perception of trans people and that was "born in the wrong body and instinctively know that they are the opposite gender"

#I had. ISSUES as a child #like looking back it is so wild #my parents were really good and didn't force gender roles on me. w to them #but OTHER people? weren't even that harsh compared to conservative areas and I've still got fucked up in ways I'm still unravelling #I have some very distinct memories that make me want to throttle my younger self #like yeah some of that you could chalk up to being tomboy shit. yadda yadda #but oh my lord. baby I'm sending you to therapy RIGHT NOW #the trans people who grow up in conservative areas are unironically god's strongest soldiers. and I mean that #trans #transgender #sorry I'm rambling. dysphoria is taking swings tonight

2 notes · View notes

neurospicyyy · 2 years ago

Text

Yes, I threw fits when I was a kid.

No, I wasn’t in control.

No, you shouldn’t judge me for it.

Yes, I am aware you think I had the choice.

But surely you understand I didn’t really have one?

Surly you understand I was struggling?

That I’m still struggling?

That I always will be?

#neurodivergent #adhd #actually adhd #ocd #childhood memories #sorta vent in tags vv #I’m still dealing with the social consequences of that time period. People’s attitude towards me after those years #really damaged my mental health. Sometimes I think I’m not enough.#That my problems aren’t enough to say I was struggling. Then I look back… and yeah I can tell I was struggling #Idk wtf was going on because my adhd and ocd probably didn’t cause that. But I don’t show enough signs of autism to even #consider being diagnosed. Sometimes I wonder if I actually was in control. There was no trauma. No serious issues. Nothing.#Because I was running around like a maniac whenever I got upset. It stopped only after 3rd grade. With the help of a good teacher.#my so called “meltdowns” are probably internal now. I kinda s3lf h@rm and stuff when I don’t get my way now. When I’m seething in self #loathing because of something I did. You know. Normal behavior.#My life is a freaking mess. And it’s nobody’s fault. Except maybe my own? I don’t know. I always forget about that time period. Probably ca #se the teachers gave me a lot of bad memories during it. It wasn’t because of the teachers… but they certainly weren’t helping.#neurospicy #neurosparkly #actually ocd #neurodivergence #neurodiversity #I tell myself i didn’t have the choice though. I was young…#sorry for the vent

23 notes · View notes

wormtoxin · 5 months ago

Text

updated personas/subroutines: (disclaimer: i still don’t think im plural, sorry)

Pepper/Clover: the main one, not even one of the subroutines really, just the blank slate object which all the others act upon. The physical body. The only persona recognized by society.

Autopilot: the regular forms and functions of being a human being. Wake up, brush teeth, go to class, come home, go to sleep. Sometimes one of the others sneaks in and replaces it without my notice, especially when I’m talking to other people, and I don’t care for that shit at all. Routine.

Rambles: Vile little subroutine that makes my mouth move well before my brain. Sometimes I feel like I’m going on and on and I can’t stop. I don’t like conversation much because having to talk necessitates Rambles and then I feel totally out of control and I hate it. Objectively this one has its uses but it’s also my least favorite.

The Wretch: Self-loathing subroutine. Convinced it’s a worthless fuckup and probably correct. Self-sacrificing while being selfish, apologetic while seeking sympathy, paradoxically victim and passive-aggressor. The worst of both worlds. I actually put a lot of time and effort into being properly accountable the way a human being should be, but sometimes i get overemotional and I spiral and that part’s The Wretch i think.

The Doll: Control, poise, perfection, submission, obedience. Maybe if it’s perfect we can get it right this time. If it’s just perfect then nobody can criticize it. Next time it’ll get it. Never does. Masking, I think? Maybe some kind of fucked up anti-masking? Can’t keep this one up for long. Wishes it could just be quiet for once and let our actions speak for themselves, but people keep trying to talk to it, and it inevitably slips away. Probably used it more when I was working.

The Dog: Playing, eating, sleeping, rolling, getting off, singing and drawing. Simple bodily expressions. Not so bright. This one doesn’t get much of an outlet. Kind of a lump, occasionally whipped into shape by expectation. I actually kinda like being this one but it’s impossible when being perceived by another human being. The most invisible persona of them all. Immoral (amoral?) and therefore unsustainable long-term

The Magician: Doing, studying, creating, dressing, presenting. A self-styled scholar. Flashy and stylish and confident. Would describe itself as “dark academia” or something similarly edgy-but-trendy. Work and school romanticized, transmogrified into an exciting fantasy. Useful for being productive.

The Witch: Free of responsibility to society or others or ethics. A heartbreaker maneater homewrecker bitch. A natural disaster. An expression not of individuality or self, but force and violence. Claiming anything it wants by any means necessary and destroying everything in its path. Selfish to the core. Chained up in a basement somewhere. It exists but it’s cruel and it sucks so I never ever let it out. But I like to remember it’s there. A trump card, a concealed weapon. Break glass in case of emergency. I feel the shape of its outline like a knife stashed in a boot and I know I could use it if I ever needed it.

Honorable Mentions:

Poetics: Playing with sounds, words, grammar, languages, ideas until they sound musical and pleasing. Etymology research, vocabulary buff, eidetic memory for certain words and phrases, but only when they sound “right”. Possibly used for all five senses, or possibly shares overlap with Composition (visual) and Kinesthetics (touch)

Faux Marxism: Self-righteous understanding of the dialectical materialist view of history. Used mostly for impassioned speeches at inopportune moments (Rambles) or in response to perceived political threats. Poetics and Faux Marxism are both very invested in learning as much vocabulary, history, languages, and multiculturalism as possible, but for very different reasons.

Horndog: you could take all of sexuality and sprinkle it across all the other different subroutines, OR you could concentrate it into one horrible little guy.

Puzzles: The subroutine that just will NOT let a problem go until it’s solved. Character designs, meaningless research inquiries, computer software. Very very very very rarely, actual assigned tasks. The Magician wants what Puzzles has.

Hibernation: Comfy cozy blanket pillow sweater cuddle nap pile. Memorized the rhythms of the winter hibernation episodes of Tanoshii Moomin Ikka and plays them in a loop continually year-round. This one might be straight-up biological. I think I might have a vitamin deficiency.

Fog: The squishy slouchy sweaty medium that fills up whatever psychic dream space all the other personas occupy. There used to be a sense of “me” but it got covered up by all the fog what seems like years ago. That sense of wholeness, control, totality, unification. It existed once. I like to think it’s still out there, somewhere, if I just get my meds right or get enough sleep and if I can just synthesize all the others maybe I can feel “like myself” again. But all the fog covers it up. Memory issues. Whenever I get a sudden moment of clarity, and I realize I’ve been one of the more loathsome subroutines, someone I don’t recognize, I’ll have just stumbled out of the fog. Always comes with a feeling of “Why did I just say that?” Or, “What did I just say?”. Dissociation, maybe???

????: see previous. The negative space that fills everything else in. I don’t even know whether to call this one “Selfhood” or “Synthesis” or “Control” or “Autonomy” or …”Me”. That’s probably most appropriate but it feels like too foreign a word to make sense of. Whatever was here once got swallowed up by the fog, and I don’t know what it is anymore. If it was here I think I could feel like a present sensor and agent in my own life again. This is probably what people expect out of “Pepper” or “Clover”, the flagship of the armada, the face and voice of the operation. I don’t know where that person is. All the subroutines (personas?) are trying to emulate her, stall for time until she comes back. She might not ever be coming back. We might be all we have.

#welllll this is a little prolix #uhhh i’m trying to make sense of things for myself a little bit #i got my psych to up my dose so i’m hoping that helps #even if i don’t get the ‘self’ back i want to feel more in control of which persona i’m deploying at any given time #i hate feeling so out of control of myself #and i think typing it all up gives me a better sense of like- what tools i have available #now that i can see the whole arsenal i might be able to make better use of it #ummm #i really really can’t stand rambles and the wretch i was getting angry just thinking about them #BUT #obviously they’re not doing it to be terrible #there’s some kind of unmet need here #i might rename them to something a little more neutral and try to get to know them better #and then i can give them a proper outlet and maybe they’ll stop ruining my life so much #ugh it makes my fucking skin crawl trying to even acknowledge them as “me’ which is why i keep switching tenses #but i guess im me and thats something i do so i should try to be better #whatever #also yeah not really ready to admit there’s some kind of plurality here so for right now this is all a thought experiment #umm i do have some kind of learning disability and some pretty infuriating memory issues #but like i don’t really get time loss and i don’t really properly switch i just get weird moments of clarity #lucidity???#anyways #um #if you got as far as this thanks for reading #this is probably waaY too much information for any given person to have about my psyche but it’s all sufficiently abstracted i think.

5 notes · View notes

arcade-confetti · 7 months ago

Text

Theyre going to think I like canon and purely canon if I keep going on like this

#i. despite my many complaints. do enjoy comics. and going into the Comic Reading Fandom #there is a shocking amount of people who are purely in the fandom but have never interacted with the source #while i do believe its fine to dabble in something you haven't seen the source for yet but plan to #being a creating active presence in fandom for something youre not a fan of. just doesn't sit with me #its just a bit baffling. to be a fan of the fandom amd never touch the canon #like lifelong christians who attend every service and judge others based on gods word. who have never even read the full bible.#its just all the pastors word and stories n verses they grew up with #thats exactly how i see it I fear #fanon dynamics and tropes heavily overwhelm the canon. and i tend to prefer the canon. so it gets frustrating #not to mention how many popular ones completely flip characters. reinforce stereotypes. have even more confusing timelines. etc #its like the online fan equivalent of years of domestication and breeding that turned wolves to pugs #not that extreme but you get me #i mess with canon. i like to get silly with it. i like to fuck around #plenty of things i dont like i Will ignore or rewrite! or make an au where i can do whatever on earth i want #i dont respect canon or think its the end all be all and if you step one foot out of line of canon ill maul you like an angry dog #its just like! maybe read the one singular comic issue youre about base your entire interpretation on the fanon version of #this is ending in just me complaining about titans tower yeah. sorry. its the prime example i fear #but at least its easy to filter out #man! if i just had a way to filter things out better..#sometimes it reaches the point where i consider just blocking the entire tim tag. sorry tim #i Will uplift the community i desire instead of focusing on my hatred and complaining!!#i just need to get out of art block and find cool blogs to follow that Get Me to help me out first!!#unfortunately i have a really weird complex about following people especially if they followed me first!!!#not sure what thats about!!#but ill get to the other things!!!#i am also just a complainer though !#and i get into arguments alot without realizing it because i love noting every detail and correcting people!!#i tried to put every william mention and appearance from tse in a google doc. and with ralpho. thsoe got much easier when i got #digital copies of the fnaf books. but what im saying is i LOVE having all the facts n details abt my blorbos. esp in over detailed notes.fu #havijg all the references on hand! and sharing my precious beautiful knowledge. carefully noted bc my poor memory. very delightful. fun!

2 notes · View notes

pixxyofice · 2 years ago

Text

@mommyclan I am not bringing out the color pencils if I draw them again. But this is the sorta reference for my Totally normal cat, Patchflame! See, she has cool claws and fur like a normal cat. They have patches, like a normal cat, so they got named that when they were picked up as an apprentice and dropped into mommyclan.

She has a secret sad backstory where she's like some sorta lab experiment. but she doesn't remember shit about it so she's completely fine. They think cats are also just very diverse. totally normal cats in mommyclan with horns and wings and such. She's one of them!

also they can breathe fire and uses this to torch their meals. this is the extent of their cooking abilities. This is also why she's called patchflame. totally normal thing to be named after! This also is sure to help with the arson issues. mhm.

(the scales are dragon scales and the wings are dragon wings and the tail is a dragon tail)

can normally be found: perching in trees. burning their prey. flying in order to get out of patrols. taking care of their normal wings.

#patchflame #memory issues dragon cat who feels anxious about fitting in suddenly fits in. she has no issues while here #mommyclan #they probably aren't even aware they have issues about fitting in until forced out of the mommyclan environment!#mommyclanner #mommysona #LMAO #patchflame is me but if she still had she/her as a part of the pronoun set and also a lot more able to stim with the wings for fun #oh yeah and sociable and with a tragic past. yea

20 notes · View notes

oculusxcaro · 1 year ago

Note

(If she ever gets patrons who tend to make frequent 'appearances' on the news, how often does she recognize them, and how awkward are those interactions? Does she ever report them to the GCPD or feel tempted to do so?)

send me questions you have about my character!

You'd think a waitress in a demanding job would at least have a somewhat decent memory when it comes to recognizing faces but honestly? Khare has a horrible memory and isn't likely to start remembering faces unless they are REALLY distinct (or have visited enough times for their appearance to register in her brain). Seeing the Joker himself strolling in and ordering up some pancakes is the most you can expect for her to acknowledge there's a serious fucking situation on hand but after that? Forget it, she's not likely to make the connection.

However, this is Gotham so chances are that at least somebody's going to rock up at the diner in their costume. Khare may be so preoccupied about getting their order right that... you know, it's going to take a minute or two to catch on that something's not right about their appearance, but she can't quite put a finger on it. Alexa, play the Jeopardy! Think Music! It's probably more awkward for the patron visiting that everything is so calm - The waitress isn't screaming bloody murder or jamming the silent call button beneath the counter to alarm the police that trouble is there, she's just smiling and doing her best to remember their order, just as they want it but on the off chance she does recognize somebody... she really, really doesn't want to call the GCPD and cause a scene, because really, nothing's happened.... yet, and the thought of police taking her statement and asking awkward questions is a far more frightening prospect than the Mad Hatter asking for a pot of tea, because... you know, she's an illegal immigrant at this point, and if she calls the police, who's to say she's not joining them in jail after her shift ends? Having a bad memory makes life difficult but in Khare's case, it might have saved more than a few potentially dangerous situations from blowing up as a hungry rogue gets a tasty meal without any screaming or overhearing any hushed calls begging the GCPD to arrive, because even criminals need to eat and boy, do most people feel a lot better after getting a proper meal inside them!

#red-hemlock #memes ;; send me questions about my character #🌈 || headcanons #Thank you for sending this I appreciated it a lot!#This one made me chuckle because Khare's memory is absolutely shot #Recognizing faces is getting harder but she can remember what people ordered before if that makes any sense?#She has a lot of trouble remembering names too so for a long time she thought of Harvey Dent as 'Bagel Guy'#Even though she's probably watched a few of his court cases on the news #Didn't fucking register that the youngest District Attorny in Gotham comes to PAULI'S DINER of all places to get some yummy bagels #She just remembers two bagels #And in a way it was wholesome because Khare treated him like a normal customer instead of fawning over him for a bigger tip #But yeah she's not likely to call the GCPD until bullets start flying lol #She'd really rather not get arrested herself for being in the country illegally and then having people discover her little health issue :(

8 notes · View notes