#difference between “have trouble doing something/need support” and “unable to”

[catsushinyakajima]

team voltron and aspects of alienation

I've seen aspects of "not-belonging" in analyses of Lance and Keith's characters and I'd like to shed light on how it's a sentiment that's very well nestled in every member of Voltron.

Starting off with the alienation (ha, get it) that is most flesh out in canon, we have Keith. From the very beginning the show, Voltron is divided into three factions: the Alteans, the Garrison trio, and Keith and Shiro. Keith has trouble mingling with the trio due to Lance's harsh front towards him, and has slight trouble mingling with the alteans due to cultural divisions and difference in views. Then he finds out he's half-Galran and Shiro is removed from the equation, which removes him further from the team. He gains a sense of disconnect from the team due to his heritage, his lack of bonds, and his belief that he's a failure of a leader.

Lance's disassociation from the team is more subtle. It comes from his views of inferiority and the idea that he doesn't contribute to Voltron. Unlike Keith, his sense of alienation comes more from what he does rather than who he is. He doesn't believe himself to be skilled enough, and when he throws himself into gaining skill, he finds that he's not achieving enough. He finds himself becoming more and more irrelevant as time passes, as if he is blending into the background.

The divide between Allura and the team is a storyline that we were robbed of. It's so plainly laid out for the writers to pursue- the cultural differences between Alteans and humans, the unity the humans feel towards each other that they extend to her in friendship to no avail, as she doesn't understand it. The other paladins will not know the part of the war that she knows. They will not know the loss she knows.

Perhaps she finds comfort in Coran. But even the split between her and Coran may grow as she becomes a paladin and he remains support for Voltron. They're still close and they still care for each other, but the way you fight in a war, the things you see, they can define and shape you. War looks different from different angles. Coran has never been in a pilots seat. Hes never been in the mind meld. And he doesn't need to do these things to have a bond with the people he cares about, but he still may feel the distance in his mind.

Hunk's sense of isolation from the team was also something we were robbed of, but were were also robbed of everything when it comes to Hunk. There is a huge difference in drive and fight when it comes to Hunk versus the rest of the paladins. He is unable to throw himself so deeply into the fight it just- it scares him! And I'm sure it scares everyone else too, but can Hunk see that? He sees the way everyone else stands tall and fights and goes into battle and training every single day, and he doesn't feel made for that. He doesn't want to do that. And it makes him feel guilty for not having the "passion" everyone else does even though his heart is in his actions, but at the same time he constantly feels sick.

Shiro is someone who has been both physically and emotionally distanced from Voltron. His kidnappings have shaped and transformed him- but it's not only that he's changed, Voltron has changed while he's gone too. Shiro has left and come back to an entirely different team filled with people who have changed so much because that's what war does, it changes you. There are months of Pidge, Hunk, Lance, Allura, and Coran that he's missed and years of Keith that he's missed. And they'll welcome him with open arms, but it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't feel like he knows them as well as they know each other.

Lastly, there's Pidge. Pidge is a fundamental anchor of Voltron as she produces so much technology to aid the war effort. She throws herself into her work so much that it consumes her, and this ends up eating away at her connections a little bit. There's also the fact that the technological battle she's fighting to combat Galran interfaces and invention rates is a fight that the rest of the team aren't exactly a part of. They can support her, but ultimately it is only she that can do the work she does. This puts a lot of pressure on her and compels her to do even more. She spends so much time working that she misses so much with the others.

The point I'm trying to make is not that Voltron isn't close or that they aren't a family, but that they themselves might not feel close to the team they love. And it's not a sense of isolation felt by one or two members, but instead by all of them equally. I think that dreamworks could've really worked with this dynamic to show the fact that war can make people grow apart (opposite to how a lot of media shows war bringing people together; both are themes that can be explored). Dreamworks could've also taken this opportunity to let the characters grow as individuals and then come together as an even stronger team.

[inksandpensblog]

In the original Lilo and Stitch, there is no difference between Nani's custody of Lilo and what's best for Lilo's wellbeing.

Nani is not equipped to take care of Lilo on her own, and Cobra is right when he says that Nani's need to hold on to Lilo is blinding her to her own shortcomings as a caretaker where Lilo's needs are concerned; but over the course of the movie it's made abundantly clear that, while Lilo may need a better caretaker than Nani is capable of being on her own, she very much also still needs Nani present in her life, as her sister. Taking Lilo from Nani would deprive Lilo of the last remaining person in her life who understands her, and that would be incredibly damaging to any six-year-old child, let alone a possibly neurodivergent one, let alone one who is already grieving the recent death of both parents. Whether Cobra takes Lilo away or lets her stay, either way Lilo only gets something she needs by losing something else that she needs. There is no improvement to be had, only a question of prioritization, and Cobra has different priorities concerning Lilo than Nani does.

Adding Jumba and Pleakley to the household solves this dilemma, because Nani remains Lilo's primary caretaker but now she isn't Lilo's lone caretaker; she no longer has to choose between bringing her sister to work with her, where she may cause trouble, or leaving her sister at home alone without supervision, because now Lilo won't be alone without supervision if she's left at home. This allows Nani to find a good job, and also allows her more quality time with David (whom it's been established she is interested in, but was unable to pursue that interest while being Lilo's lone caretaker).

(I was never into the sequels or the tv series as much as the original movie, but one thing I do appreciate is that they gave Nani a job at a surf-shack. With it being implied in the original movie that Nani possibly set aside competitive surfing ambitions when caring for Lilo became a higher priority to her, it's nice to think that she was at least able to find work in a field that she'd previously found herself in, in a way that allows her to apply and share her knowledge. This is different in the remake, where being a surf-instructor is purely a job for her.)

What's more, not only does Lilo now have multiple capable guardians in her ohana, but she also has a friend in Stitch, someone she can interact with as a social peer now that he's not pretending to be a dog anymore. Stitch also begins helping out around the house, allowing the whole family to spend more quality time together now that the sisters don't need to concern themselves with as many chores anymore.

Nani keeping custody of Lilo was what was best for both of them, even if it wasn't fulfilling all their needs. Taking Lilo away to fulfill the needs that weren't being met wouldn't have helped her more than it would've hurt her, and it would've devastated Nani. The solution was for both of them to find more support, while remaining together.

In the live-action Lilo and Stitch, Nani's custody of Lilo and what's best for Lilo's wellbeing become opposing concerns at the hospital, when the social worker offers Nani an out from the unaffordable medical costs in exchange for having to relinquish custody.

Hear me out...this could've worked. They could've gone this route. It would've been really fucking difficult to do it well, and they probably still would've gotten flak for it, and honestly I'm still not sure it would've been wise to do it in an official remake of Lilo and Stitch when it seems more suited to a deeply personalized transformative alternate-universe fanfic that half the fandom swears by and the other half swears at, but they could've done it.

Just to clarify, though: the way it is, in the movie we got? It didn't work.

This should've been Nani's lowest point in the movie; not morally, but in the hero's-journey sense y'know? Her care for Lilo's wellbeing and her desperation to keep custody of Lilo have been one and the same up to this point, but now they're at odds for the first time ever and now she has to pick one.

It should've felt like a sacrifice, to pick one. It should've felt like a faustian bargain or a deal with the devil or whatever, to have to choose between the impossible options that this social worker is narrowing down her ohana's future to.

I haven't seen the live-action movie myself and tbh I don't want to, so bear with me as I'm mostly going by hearsay. And according to hearsay, what they should've done if they were gonna go this route isn't what they did. The impression I've gotten is that the social worker's ultimatum was portrayed as a blessing in disguise, rather than the tragedy it should've been.

The remake could've gone this route. But it needed to be portrayed as the harsh and tragic thing that it was. It needed to be portrayed as the predatory, manipulative, insidious move on the social worker's part that it was. That's where they should've put the realism they were so concerned about: in the emotions. Stories can be as fantastical as you can or can't imagine, as long as the emotional core remains grounded.

And then, Nani and Lilo should've focused on how they were going to uphold and maintain ohana now that Nani no longer had her custody of Lilo to underscore it with. Nani and Lilo should've be doing everything in their power to make sure that it doesn't end here with this shitty deal that Nani was given no way out of. It should've been the ultimate demonstration to Stitch that little, broken families can still be good, and still be somewhere he can find belonging. When all was said and done, Nani and Lilo and Stitch should've shown us that no, this is not enough to destroy ohana.

Being able to say that ohana transcends geography or space or the legal system or what have you, and being able to actually back it up with actions and demonstrable principles...

idk. I have no experience with the foster system. I'm not Hawaiian. I have no native friends that I'm aware of. All I can really talk about is storytelling. Presentation and narrative themes and such.

I saw another blogger (whom I won't name because I'm not interested in starting a fight or enabling people to gang up on somebody who holds an opinion they take umbrage with) saying that summarizing the ending of the live-action movie as "Nani surrenders Lilo to the state so she can be a strong independent girlboss who follows her dreams and goes to STEM college an ocean away now that she's freed from the burden of a little sister to care for" is a dishonest misrepresentation of the movie, and I see their point.

This blogger also emphasized not only the realism of the situation Nani was put in at the hospital-- of being unable to afford the medical care a loved one is in dire need of, of having to let go of a loved one for their own health and safety --but also the involvement and influence of the social worker in that situation; and I also see their point in saying that too many people are placing all the blame on Nani for her choice, while ignoring the role of the social worker in presenting that choice as Nani's only option.

For all that fans of the original are upset that Nani surrendered Lilo to CPS in the remake, I have noticed that most of their anger seems to be directed at Nani rather than at the CPS agent who basically coerced her into it. I've been guilty of this too.

This blogger rounded out their commentary by sharing how gutted they were by this moment, due to its familiarity when compared to their lived observational experience, and how badly Disney missed the mark if their intent had been to portray CPS in a good light.

Again, I see their point. And they're right, we should be talking about that social worker and her role in Nani's decision more, as well as what she ultimately represents in the thematic conceit of this remake.

But with all that said, I think there's a reason that so many people are coming away from this movie with the reading that Nani surrendered Lilo to the state for college, even if that's objectively not what actually happened. Something went wrong in the storytelling somewhere.

And I think it lies in how the aftermath of Nani's decision to surrender Lilo to CPS is handled by the movie.

Nani should not be going to college overseas when her field of study is taught markedly better in universities that are already local. Nani should not be going to college overseas when those same local universities offer significant financial aid to native Hawaiian students.

Lilo should not be encouraging Nani to leave the island without her. She has no friends, Stitch isn't her peer, and Nani is her last remaining family. Where is the girl who cried when she thought her older sister might trade her for a rabbit?

Nani's shortcomings as a caretaker should not be concerning enough to make losing custody of Lilo a very real possibility if Tūtū was already around consistently enough to be considered a viable foster guardian once Nani has lost custody. Tūtū already replaces Nani in half the scenes anyway; if it's already established that Tūtū being present means Nani doesn't need to be present, then why is Nani's ability to care for Lilo even still under question? Why is Nani still in a position to lose custody of Lilo if Tūtū has already proven capable of providing the support that enables Nani to properly care for Lilo?

Tūtū fostering Lilo should not be treated as it if means that CPS doesn't still have the power to remove Lilo from Tūtū's custody whenever they please, and without any obligation to inform Nani to boot.

The movie chose to have Nani leave the island for college. The movie chose to have Lilo encourage her to do this. The movie chose to have both sisters want something for the elder that would end up with them being further separated.

The movie chose to have both sisters want something for the elder that wasn't framed as a possibility until after Nani surrendered custody of Lilo.

Those details add up. They add up to something outrageous enough to make everyone overlook that the social worker coerced Nani into surrendering Lilo to CPS custody.

Or maybe I shouldn't be talking about things I don't understand. idk

[netbug009]

T-Minus One Month, Please Help and Signal Boost/Vouch

Hey guys, I'm once again in a spot where I'm doing a big detailed post about this and sharing it to my sideblogs. I'm not a fan of this but the situation is pretty dire. Frankly, it has been pretty dire for a while, and I've only gotten this far thanks to the support from both you guys and from some friends who have been willing to lend me money without much clue when they'll get it back. I'm deeply thankful for everything so far, but I have unfortunately only really been able to use all of that to make ends meet instead of having much savings built up like I was hoping to right now.

I have 30 days and any amount of help makes a huge difference.

So back in February I found out my apartment was choosing not to renew my lease at the end of July for questionable but not technically illegal reasons and I have been scrambling to find a new apartment since without much luck. Whether I manage to find a place or have to head to a motel/airbnb for a bit, I need to move my things to... somewhere. I am disabled and unable to drive myself or even have a parking spot to put a POD into so I don't have a choice besides hiring a professional moving service, and that's scaring the fuck out of me right now. I also am still working to just afford boxes to pack everything. This is all before even considering paying rent/deposit/application fees at a new place.

So why have I had trouble saving up when I've had almost half a year? I work 15-25 hours a week in a factory doing fairly heavy labor, and while in theory I could do a solid 40 a week and everything would be rainbows and flowers forever, in practice this just hasn't been possible; my mental health and physical health just aren't up to it. Summer has been particularly hard because I'm in the midwest US and the warehouse I work in does not have air conditioning. In reality, the most I can handle is about 30 hours a week when everything is perfect, and it's rarely been perfect these past few months between the massive stress of this situation, stress from other life issues, and more recently the heat. I'm usually dismayed and exhausted.

That sounds like someone who should be on disability, right? Unfortunately, even being able to work as much as I'm able to has previously gotten me the response of "suck it up" from the government. Things have recently started to change for autistic people in that respect in the US... at the price of being put on a national registry, while our leaders are actively building prisons that feel oddly similar to concentration camps. That's a price to my future I desperately do not want to pay, and a process that tends to take years to see any fruit even if I did.

I've offered to write at very low rates to offer something in exchange for help and received zero interest - an understandable but difficult hit to the heart on top of everything right now. Attempts to find clerical work or something else less exhausting that still pays even close to as much as I'm making right now IRL have been just as fruitless. I have also been selling things on ebay to both help me get by and to have less to move with, but again that inventory only moves so fast and I only have to much energy.

My friends are still helping me, but I'm also here asking for additional help from the community around me one last time because there's only so much they can do and even if their wasn't I want to make this easier for them. I'm trying to be able to afford to pack my things and move them out of the apartment at the end of the month first and foremost.

Again, I'm sorry to share this friggin everywhere. I hope you all can forgive me for it. I'm scared and doing what I can.

[pinstripe-wings]

More info for liminal purgatory au, mainly about Blurr and the others.

How the characters experience the Backrooms/other liminal spaces:

This au will be explored from three (now planned) perspectives for three different kinds of experiences (Blurr, Rodimus & Drift, Prowl & Jazz) from the way they end up in Backrooms or other liminal spaces, to how they react and deal with their time in these places, and interact with one another. 

1) Blurr will have the usual (lol) experience of the Backrooms, with a few additions to it. From entering to exploring to the occasional chase by a monster/creature, Blurr is not going to have a good time and will definitely be traumatized by the end of it.

Blurr will essentially be on his own for the majority if his time in the Backrooms, and will be one of the characters who comes out of the experience the worst/will need a lot of recuperation time, as mentioned before. Blurr feels trapped when he’s unable to freely move as quickly as possible, hindered earlier on due to an injury to the knee joint (that unfortunately provides the microorganisms the easiest access to deliver their virus). He also does not have support from another mech until at least part 4, but even then there’s a communication barrier, as creatures Shockwave is not in a good state and is only partially lucid at times but enough to not be an active threat once he and Blurr come to a mutual understanding. When it comes to being in contact with the other trapped pairs, Blurr has trouble trusting the eventual offer of help due to the state he ends up in, and creature Shockwave helps to bridge the gaps in communication despite his inability to verbalize. 

2) Rodimus and Drift enter the liminal spaces pool like area initially (inspired by the game(s) where one wanders a lot of water areas but never gets chased-just unsettling noises and the like). They do end up there via the way the person the POV speaks to does in Kane Pixel’s 3rd video toward the end by no-clipping into the Backrooms like the POV did. 

But unlike Blurr, the majority of their time in the liminal spaces pool (and a few others) Rodimus and Drift do not get chased-they just can’t find a way out back to the Lost Light so they explore and chat (note-I’ve yet to decide if there’s any shipping to be had in thus au or not). 

The two will run across Prowl and Jazz, exchanging limited communication as Prowl is currently attempting to corner Jazz who has apparently been set off in some way and is currently ‘dangerous’ to other mechs. Buzzare interaction as Prowl is nothing like either had encountered before. It turns out that Jazz is the most danger to all the mechs in the Backrooms/liminal spaces compared to when Rodimus has Drift cone across Blurr and creature Shockwave.

That interaction happens after Prowl is unable to contain Jazz and the two IDW mechs have to engage in a fight to break off to put enough distance between them and Jazz, to allow Prowl another chance to help calm the Jazz down. Interaction with Blurr and creature Shockwave are a much more sedate encounter and that makes extending an invitation for medical aid (once they locate a way out) easy to deliver but difficult for the offer to be accepted. 

3) Prowl begins by no-clipping from his office not into the Backrooms, but another liminal space, where he meets Jazz. Prowl presumes Jazz to have been there somewhere between the time starting his mission to the present by a few days, based off an initial once over of Jazz. 

Prowl has a mix of quiet time exploring with Jazz, but also has times where he is being chased BY Jazz, as something about this world they are in has greatly affected him (the virus with its parasitic nature). Prowl has trouble figuring out what was going on when Jazz is as deadly as he is, even when Jazz isn’t entirely there. But he’s aware enough for the most part that the saboteur can restrain himself from actually causing damage, even if it’s clear Jazz is struggling with himself. 

Prowl isn’t sure what to make of Drift and Rodimus but they’re competent enough and the chance they’ll all escape and receive medical care needed rises if they combine forces. There is a temporary split when Prowl has to corral Jazz, having already dealt with the moments where Jazz turns to pursuit instead of exploration. 

Prowl calculates that Blurr can be helped but there doesn’t appear to be anything to do to help creature Shockwave. Runs Tacnet on and off as time passes and info is gained and it still doesn’t look good for creature Shockwave. 

Effects of the Backrooms/liminal spaces on the characters:

Blurr and Jazz (who began in a Backrooms place like Blurr) are both affected by their time and are there long enough for the place to begin to physically affect them, though in a different way than humans are affected in that a virus is given via a microorganism in the Rooms to deliver the virus that begins to act parasitic as it goes through its stages. 

Blurr ends up experiencing the stages up until the end of the 2nd (or 3rd) stage. He does not do well with the restriction that begins in his frame. Being able to move as quickly as he ought to be makes the situation that much more unbearable, and being in proximity of other mechs eventually that he doesn’t even know and therefore never worked with makes accepting any help at all difficult since he’s used to being on his own for most missions. Blurr knows this is not a mission and that realistically he has a better chance with others but there’s the unnerving thought of if this is all a plot by Shockwave to catch him unaware. Because really, not only do Rodimus and Drift looks too armor heavy to be speedsters or who they say they are but Prowl and Jazz completely confound him; Prowl acts nothing like the one he knew apart from the outward calm that spoke of perhaps dabbling in circuit-su, but thus Jazz is a terrifying mech that makes Blurr honestly wonder why Prowl trusts him as he does when half the time Jazz randomly attacks. Blurr does not know what is going on and funnily enough it’s only creature shockwaves steady presence and offered memory records that keep Blurr from running away entirely from potential allies.

Eventually Blurr has to decide with the others whether to bring creature with them and potentially be unable to help, or to leave him behind to allow him to continue to roam on the off chance that he may be able to help other mechs that get trapped in this place. 

-

Jazz, on the other hand, is unfortunate to be going through the middle of the 4th stage, which is the longest lasting for the 5 stages of the virus-induced infection. Prowl does not pick up any microorganisms until he comes into direct contact with Jazz, which for a time Jazz subconsciously tries to avoid happen since he knows he’s not in a good spot and that something is very, very wrong. 

While Prowl does have the virus injected by those microorganisms, he never progresses past the very beginning of the 2nd stage of the infection, because neither of them are in the Backrooms properly, but in other liminal spaces that are distant from it, and therefore, there are only the microorganisms  from Jazz that are capable of injecting the virus into Prowl. However, not being in the Rooms eventually causes those to go dormant and mainly cling to Jazz’s protoform, with a minimal amount clinging to Prowl, therefore limiting the easy spread of the virus in Prowl. In Jazz, he’s been subjected to the virus long enough that his condition continues to deteriorate but it’s enough of a break for him to subconsciously reinforced certain protected areas of his processor when he first noticed what was starting to happen to him.

Because of this, Jazz begins to allow Prowl to try and assist him and guide him around through touch, as Jazz is able to maintain more of himself with this ‘break’ and prevents himself from acting impulsively in the aggressive urges he’s feeling. Mostly. He still does chase Prowl now and again but this time he’s able to fully stop himself before he gets his claws on Prowl. This is not held against Jazz, since Prowl can tell from his own frame that something isn’t right, just like Jazz initially noticed. There is more urgency to find a way out.

-

Rodimus and Drift are the least affected in terms of the stages of virus infection as they mainly stick to the liminal spaces and not the Backrooms specific ones where the microorganisms would specifically target the mechs. When they come across Blurr and creature Shockwave, Blurr does have those microorganisms hanging around him so initial infection happens to the two, but with more armor panels and transformations seams protecting their protoform, they are not subjected to anything further than the beginning of stage two infection and therefore it will be easier for medics to rid them of the virus and to destroy the microorganisms that linger-most won’t once they are out of the Backrooms area, as they are only able to properly function within that space, and once out of the Rooms, the microorganisms would cling to protoform and therefore be easier to find and destroy.

Although Red Alert will quarantine every area Drift and Rodimus pass through on the List Light, and everyone that comes into contact with them will be decontaminated and checked over by a medic. To ensure nothing is brought into the Lost Light to fester like a group of scraplets did a few months back. The microorganisms are much smaller in scale to be near intangible without assistance from a device Brainstorm developed to see microstructures so medics could ensure rust infections and other smaller troubles could be caught earlier on and dealt with. 

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Note: Hi, I may be just a *tad* bit obsessive over this. I’m considering drawing some things for this, but I’ll likely have more writing posts, as that’s where I’ve put most of my skill points over the years XD

[ronsenburg]

well now i'm curious! 15 for sylvain...?

To be totally transparent, here, I’m willing to at least consider shipping Sylvain with anyone. Pass that man around, I’m on board with it. But, like I said in that other post, my favorite ship for Sylvain comes down to what I want for him, in the end…

If I Want Sylvain to Be Happy, I Pair Him With… Mercedes.

I need everyone to understand that (to me) Mercedes is hands down, far and away, the best thing that Sylvain could ever have happen to him. She’s everything that he needs in a partner: supportive, understanding, empathetic, loyal, and kind. But she doesn’t let him get away with his bullshit, either. She calls out his flippant compliments without being cruel. She challenges his world view and asks him to consider things from other perspectives. But, unlike some of Sylvain’s other supports, she still validates the very real feelings that are driving all his negative behaviors. She understands his resentment because she has similar issues with the crest system, but the fact that she remains kind throughout her troubles is a positive example for Sylvain. He’s more initially forthcoming with her than most of his other supports and he never lies to her, which I think is telling.

Beyond that, I think they have such complimentary personalities. I love that their conversations can be downright silly at times, and I think they’d be very happy together in the long term. Sylvain could have such big wife-guy energy for Mercedes. He would be so supportive of her and her choices in life and I think that she would make an excellent source of unwavering encouragement as Sylvain attempts to figure out a way to live the life he’s been given in his own way.

Even if I’m not writing them as the pairing in a fic, everyone should assume that they’re close enough that people have assumed they’re together. Their souls are entwined for me, or something. I don’t know.

If I Want Sylvain Stuck in a Doomed Situationship, I Pair Him With… Felix

Okay, hear me out. I know that there’s a million and a half really cute, happy ever after fics for the two of them out there. I respect those fics and the people who enjoy them. I enjoy them. But I have to tell my truth here and say that I don’t think there’s any way in hell that their relationship would last for the long run (in canon—AUs are debatable depending on what the situation is.)

First and foremost, I’m never a huge fan of the “childhood friends to lovers” trope, and I do think that the F4 are the literal embodiment of why. It is so hard to learn and grow as a human being when the people you love are seemingly unable to view you as anyone other than the person you used to be. It’s so easy to continuously fall back into old, predictable patterns of behavior because that’s what’s comfortable—it’s what everyone expects. There’s just too much shared history and grief between all four of them. I think, in a lot of ways, any ship combination would be more of a barricade to growth than anything else.

More explicitly for Sylvain and Felix: it’s undeniable that the two of them are as different as two people can possibly be. Despite their shared childhood, they were raised in very different manners and, therefore, see the world in very different ways. I’m not sure that Felix could truly understand the kind of resentment Sylvain feels towards his birthright or the reasons behind his constant self-sabotaging, just like I don’t feel like Sylvain can really understand the complicated feelings Felix has surrounding Glenn and Rodrigue or the depth of his disappointment in Dimitri.

In the end, I don’t think that Felix is capable of being the kind of person that Sylvain needs to be happy. He’s impatient, tactless, and inflexible. He hates backing down from a challenge and is very set in his views. I concede that Sylvain benefits from being called out on his bullshit, but I think that Felix’s overtly aggressive approach can’t work in the long run. I don’t think Sylvain can just realize the error of his ways and “snap out of it” like Felix expects. Rather, I think he’s very aware of his faults and the way he acts and needs someone willing to help break the spiral of shame, and to show him he has value. And this is something that requires a lot of patience and, you know, gentleness that Felix fundamentally lacks.

Similarly, I think Sylvain enables a lot of Felix’s more boorish behaviors. Felix says some pretty terrible things to Sylvain in their supports (with the implication that he’s said far worse in the past) and Sylvain just… takes it. Apologizes, even, or hand waves it away. There’s some evidence in Hopes that he’s willing to actually call Felix out when Felix’s safety is threatened by his actions, but in general, he allows Felix’s behavior to go unchallenged. Obviously, Felix’s abrasive personality is a detriment in the long term to both his personal life and his diplomatic relationships. He would sincerely benefit from someone who is capable of either, a, providing tangible arguments to challenge the definitive nature of his beliefs, or b, showing him the merits of displaying just the tiniest amounts of empathy. But Sylvain is just so relieved to have Felix stick around that he… can’t.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT!!!!! God, they are so weirdly intense about each other, aren’t they? Sure, it’s understandable that a culture obsessed with honor might give rise to a childhood death pact, but you don’t see any of the other BLions promising to die together, do you? Whether you view their relationship as platonic or romantic, they obviously feel very deeply for one another. I spent a lot of time talking about how different they are, but in a lot of ways that allows them to balance each other out: when they’re together, Sylvain smooths away some of Felix’s sharper edges, and Felix keeps Sylvain (somewhat) in line. And honestly? The ways they aren’t perfectly right for each other make them more dynamic and interesting to read and write. The chemistry, the tension, the sex. Undeniably intriguing.

So anyway, let’s set aside how enormous of a decision it would be to allow two ancient bloodlines to come to an end in order to be together openly. If you’re not playing AM, it doesn’t matter since the church is dismantled. If you are, it’s a pretty drastic step, but it’s in line with what Dimitri hopes to accomplish in the long run, I guess. I’m personally not sure that it’s something Dimitri would publicly support, but that’s a discussion for another day. If they DID try, I think that when things are good between them, they’re probably very good. But I think when things go bad, they’re catastrophic. I think Sylvain can get under Felix’s skin in a way that literally no one else can. I think he would struggle tremendously with not tearing the relationship apart just to “prove” to himself that it would fail anyway. And they seem like the kind of people who, when they really fight instead of bickering, fight dirty. They’ll be throwing shit in each other's faces from when they were pre-pubescent, dredging up the most hurtful things they can think of just to draw blood. They’re not pulling punches.

So I think it’s cyclical, in the end. They need/love/want each other too strongly to actually completely walk away, but the good times have an expiration date. They both need to grow tremendously as people, they need to learn to compromise and communicate, and then maybe they could make a long term relationship work. But a publicly scrutinized courtship would put far too much pressure on something like that. So I think their end card makes so much sense. Like, they love each other enough to die on the same day, but they can only be together in short bursts.

I don’t know, man. That’s my truth 🤷‍♀️

[paranormeow7]

autism machine brain

some random thoughts. disclaimer I am between levels 1-2 and have generally low support needs. please do not take my personal experiences as written to describe the whole community!! if others have similar experiences to me, maybe with different words, feel free to share them. it’d be interesting to hear from people all around the spectrum. but do not take my words and use them to talk over others who are not me.

this is mostly about ideas of what is seen as ableist in the community and how it pertains to how I like to identify and describe myself. there’s a stereotype that is seen as ableist, that (usually low support needs) autistic people are like robots. honestly, I feel like one, and it comforts me to identify with them, as I feel like my brain operates and processes language/actions etc like one. specifically, a slow, old family computer.

I call myself slow, which may be seen as ableist language, because I am slow. Maybe due to catatonia (I think that’s the right word?) and like. cognitive stuff? like how it’s kind of hard to like. comprehend and process things unless they are perfectly laid out for me. it is not unlike writing lines of code. if the line of code is not written perfectly into my brain engine, I will freeze up and be unable to complete the action properly. Ive gotten better about this as I’ve gotten older, but I still usually need to be told the exact details of how to do a lot of complicated things, like schoolwork, especially math.

there are just simply too many steps and possibilities. I get overwhelmed and don’t know where to start, as there is too much room for error. even as I try to fill in the blanks and infer what I am meant to do based on what I know, it is simply too much of a risk to attempt something I understand so little. my brain short circuits and blue screens, and I end up sitting, staring at my task and thinking of nothing. this is not ideal for school!! but it is so hard to ask for help, because I feel stupid and disruptive. other kids just run on a newer and faster operating system than me. i am simply behind on software updates.

a big part of my experience as autistic is having an incredibly hard time figuring out how to do or even comprehend things that are new to me, foreign to me, too complicated and large for my mind to run efficiently. I don’t even really know if I’m explaining this properly. At this very moment I am scraping through those lines of code, looking for errors. I very much have a hard time deviating from my “comfort zone”, things that I have already been doing and repeating. repetition is comforting to me. I have already run these programs countless times, and they are proven to work.

My robot brain is my explanation as to why I have trouble improving my art, why I have struggle with disordered eating, why I sound so dry while texting and so awkward while talking. i need the steps broken down for me in such a specific way that is simply not possible most of the time if I want to understand how to do something new or in a new way. for example, I draw the same things over and over, and as such, I do not improve. need to learn fundamentals like lighting, space, form color etc. but attempting such a task is so very daunting. what if I do it wrong? what if I crash? where do I start? Or I try to make something for myself to eat. What if I ruin the dish? There are ingredients in this dish that are not proven to be edible by me. This is cooked in a way that may not be able to run on my operating system. Corrupted code, threatening to break the program. Instead of eating something otherwise healthy and nutritious, I may choose the same, simple food, or not eat altogether.

I am rather verbose, having collected many evocative words over the years, but when there is a concept that I have not attempted to explain before or must explain in a new way, my brain struggles to put it together. a jigsaw puzzle can only be put together successfully in one way. I am not a creative person. I cannot find new and creative ways to complete the puzzle. all I can do is put it together in the same way each time. I often upset people when texting with them, as I use the same responses, same wording, same punctuation etc over and over. To them, they may feel like I am simply uninterested or bored with the conversation. Texting can be stressful because I must rearrange the puzzle in a different way over and over as to not make the person feel ignored. It must hurt to see someone reply with the same mannerisms and phrases each time you speak to them.

I have compared myself to a generative ai before. That may be what I am, but I don’t think I am a very good generative ai. I am more like a factory machine being made to run the software of a generative ai. A machine that has been putting cars together over and over is suddenly asked to create a picture. it is so very strange to be an artist in this state!! again, I do not consider myself a creative person!! it is a lot of the reason I see my work as lacking the same spark and life to it as others work does. they can imagine all sorts of ways to create, all I can do is haphazardly rip apart what I already know, put it back together, run the program and hope it works.

I do love to learn. I do love to scrape and compile new words, new techniques, new food, new tasks to update my software. this is why I have low support needs, as over time I have been slowly integrating more and more features into my program. but it is still overwhelming and disheartening to see my classmates diligently working on an assignment that I rainbow wheeled through the too fast, too complicated explanation of, or see another artist younger than me create beautiful work using techniques that threaten to crash my brain trying to deconstruct, or eating something that I wish to try, but may threaten to poison my code.

I don’t want to be a factory machine, assembling the same parts over and over. I want to be a person, capable of creativity and confidence and working around error and operating smoothly without freezing or shutting down or overheating all the time, needing long cooldown periods, time spent laying in bed doing nothing when I could be lending my time to be productive and do things I want to do. but since I don’t have any other words to describe my experience, it is a comfort to at least be able to name the feeling in a way that others may be able to understand. saying you function like a vintage IBM on dial up also sounds better than saying you’re developmentally retarded.

or maybe my attention span will get better if I get off that damn phone amirite LOLOLOL

but sorry if this was incomprehensible. I feel like it was.

[dearweirdme]

i saw a lot of tkkrs on twitter saying that jimin was sent by hybe to tae's Music Bank recording because of two reasons: 1. because jk is unable to go and someone needs to go to maintain the ot7 is family agenda, and 2. because of all the discourse surrounding vmin lately and the jokes about their 'divorce'

and all i got to say is no one was saying shit like this when hobi, yoongi and jimin were going around supporting each other and other members. this discourse about support being fabricated by hybe started during jk's solo era when jimin went to NY (which is something he has done before willingly and has nothing to do with schedule, even if they happened to film something there) and continued to tae's solo era. but when tae went to jk's inkigayo recording none was said about hybe family agendas. and if jk went to tae's recording it would still be nothing about that topic. only when jimin goes to support one of the maknaes specifically it's suddenly fake, scheduled, and he was sent by hybe.

jimin went to tae's recording because that's his friend and they've been friends for over a decade. jimin went to jk in NY because at that point, there were no other stages scheduled for jk that jimin would be able to attend other than GMA, which was unfortunately cancelled and resulted into us not seeing his support in action; but he didn't go just to film whatever him and jk filmed together. i'm 99% sure that was a result of him just being there, since jk has been documenting his solo journey since April and jimin being in NY would make him part of said documentary when it's eventually released.

so all i wanna say is that if people want to pick and choose which moments of support are more real, they at least should try to not make it obvious that they would only question the ones that involve jimin, and making it seem like he had ulterior motives or was there for a schedule, when jimin has been consistently one of the only two members who showed up for everyone (him and jhope). and it's not unlike him to travel to a different country just to be there for a friend. had it been tae or jk doing so for each other yall would be writing books of poetry on the type of love and unconditional support they share. and had they done so for others it would be a token of how much of great friends they are to those around them

Hi anon!

The everlasting problem is, that whenever Jimin and Jk or Jk and Tae interact the respective fandoms create a sort of competetive atmosphere. I think Tkkrs would have no trouble with Jimin and Jk hanging out in any capacity if Jkkrs would not directly come into our spaces gloating and making up narratives about them "having dates in NY" (granted, Tkkrs also should not go looking for Jkkrs narratives themselves by visiting their blogs if they get too annoyed by that). Basically, having two ships with Jk in it creates this problem. Both cannot be true, so any time something Jkk happens Jkkrs try to claim victory, and any time something Tkk happens Tkkrs claim victory. That is what makes for annoying discourse, it's not actually those members interacting... it's fandom's reaction to it. It sucks, I don't know how to fix it... only that I personally do not join in on the Jimin hate and I will speak out on it if people send it to my blog.

The other side of it though.. is that I also think people should not directly get defensive by the mention of something being business. I have no clue atm if Jimin was only there to visit Jk or if he lso had some business to attend to himself. To me the latter would not take away anything about the closeness I feel the members have between themselves. I know that is what some try to do when they say Jimin was only in NY for business, but things can also be both. To me it's all the same in the end, whether Jimin was there just for Jk, or for business, or for a combination... it has no effect on how I view their friendship.

[scenvs3000w25]

Unit 3: It's a Privilege to be Passionate

For me, privilege is an elusive concept, something that’s everywhere in my life but hard to pinpoint exactly. One definition of privilege that I resonate with is that it’s a privilege to take risks and know you can return home to safety after. Knowing that even if everything goes wrong, there will be people who support you and care for you, is the ultimate privilege.

I’ll use the example from Dr. Hooykaas’ personal experience as recounted in Unit 3. Troubled boys on an outdoor trip likely don’t have the privilege of reassurance, and that can be the ultimate difference between finding self-confidence and destructive fear and anger. Without that safety net, the boys probably felt alone, afraid, and unable to turn to anyone for support. They couldn’t take risks and learn from them because they couldn’t afford to take risks. Who would help them if they failed? In their eyes, they had to look out for themselves.

I feel that, when we are passionate about something, whether it is nature or something else, when we have a change to share our love and joy we often get so swept up in excitement that we forget to think about the audience and what they want to get out of the experience. Understanding that we are privileged to be able to enjoy this thing and appreciate it is the first step towards understanding others’ perspectives and that they may not have had the same privileges as us.

As interpreters it’s important to understand our audience before we preach to them. Chapter 7 of ‘Interpreting Cultural and Natural Heritage for a Better World’, emphasizes the importance of understanding our audience as nature interpreters. I especially agree with their emphasis on understanding why your audience is even listening to you in the first place. What do they want? The trick is to find out how to help them achieve their goals (e.g., to have fun, to be entertained), while also furthering your own goals (e.g., fostering a love of nature).

This lesson can be applied to environmentalist efforts everywhere. Recently, I was eager to apply for a grant to start an environmentally-friendly reusable packaging company. I consulted my friend, who has started and sold a business, about the idea. He was skeptical. 

“The problem here is,” he started, “You’re assuming that the consumer cares enough about the environment to inconvenience themselves to support it. Most people don’t care that much. The trick is to make something more convenient, and cheaper, that sort of ‘just happens’ to help the environment, too.”

He gave me the example of his friend, who had started a company putting the physical AI training data module storage in tanks in the ocean. Since the physical module needs to be cooled, storing it in the ocean saves space and energy - and, in saving energy, it’s more environmentally friendly. “You see what I mean?” He said. “The environment can’t be your only priority, since it’s not the customer’s first priority.” 

This reality check was upsetting for me, but necessary. I live in an echo chamber of environmentalists; I study environmental science, I go on outdoorsy trips, and I make friends with similar interests. Unfortunately, this echo chamber has made me biased to believe the majority of people care about and appreciate the environment. 

As nature lovers, which I believe most of us in this course are, it’s important to recognize that loving the natural world and appreciating it is a privilege that many others don’t have. Once we recognize that privilege, we can come up with innovative ways to give people opportunities to enjoy nature the way we do.

Sources of Inspiration/references:

Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2019). Interpreting Cultural and Natural Heritage for a Better World. Sagamore-Venture Publishing.

[secret-ushy14]

Lately, I’ve been at a crossroads, torn between my deep feelings for a boy I love and the harsh reality of our troubled relationship. My friend voiced frustration over his lack of time for me, pointing out that he seems to prioritize others while neglecting our connection. I understand he’s battling depression, and I sympathize, but it hurts to feel sidelined. My friend’s words struck a chord: “What happened to you always wanting to spend time with me and calling me? Did you get tired of me?”

His depression feels like a barrier between us. Even though I see the good in him and know he’s struggling, it feels like he’s emotionally cheating on me with his own issues. I’m not ready to break up because I believe in us and in his ability to overcome this. But it’s hard not to feel like I’m competing for his attention against his own mind.

My friend says that if he truly wanted to fix things, he would make an effort, and I know she’s right. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and I can’t be the only one trying. I want him to find his way out of this darkness, to pull himself together, and realize that hew has someone who loves him deeply. I don’t want to confront him again because it shouldn’t come to that. It feels like I’m constantly reaching out, trying to hold onto something that’s slipping away.

Despite the pain, I can’t help but love him. Even his flaws are endearing to me. I want to be there for him, to support him emotionally, but he’s become so distant. He used to share everything with me, and now, it’s like I’m looking at him through a fogged window, unable to see clearly into his heart. I don’t need every detail, but I wish I felt included, like his girlfriend, not just an afterthought or someone to turn to when there’s nothing else to do.

I’ve cried over this because I care deeply and want what’s best for him, but his reluctance to let me in makes it so difficult. It’s hard to find the right words to comfort him or even make a small difference. Sometimes, I feel foolish for holding on when my old self would have walked away by now. Yet, this man is different; I see myself giving everything for a chance at making this work.

My friend believes that this relationship will work out, that he will find his way through this depression and come out stronger. I hope she’s right. I dream of the day he realizes he’s fumbling something precious. Until then, I’ll continue to hope and love him, even if it means enduring this painful uncertainty.

There’s an anger and resentment building inside me that I keep pushing down because I’m so into him it fucking hurts. I lay awake at night, excited for a potential text, knowing deep down it will never come. It’s tiring to always be the one reaching out first. I look pathetic, but I’m an adult. I want him to know I love him, but if he’s grown to be annoyed by me, I want him to end things on his own accord. I know I will get over it. I feel neglected, and he knows it, but it seems he doesn’t want to acknowledge it. I fucking hate it. I’m struggling too. Every day, I feel like ending things. I hate my body and who I am. Did I make things weird? Are you finally realizing that my love is too much for you? Why do you sabotage your happiness? Why do you feel like you don’t deserve love?

I am willing to give you my firsts. I want to fuck him and love him and give him my all. I want him and love him, but don’t you dare make me hate you.

[littlemisspascal]

Love Triangles Part 6

Pairing: Dieter x Female Reader

Word Count: 3200+

Summary: We need to talk. The four most dreaded words of all time. And yeah, it’s true, you’ll admit you and Dieter need to talk about a lot of stuff. Like, a lot a lot. But hearing him acknowledge it has you suddenly feeling like you’re standing on the edge of a cliff. And you’re 100% certain you’re not gonna like what’s at the bottom.

Warnings: Canon Divergence, Angst, Fluff, Pining, Language, Soulmates AU with Identifying Marks, Reader has no name or physical description except for being shorter than Dieter, Mention of character death, Disney references, Dialogue heavy

Author Note: Thank you everybody for the unbelievably kind support of this fic from beginning to end! I’m thrilled y’all have enjoyed reading Pidge and Dieter as much as I’ve enjoyed writing for them 💝 I hope y’all like this final chapter!

PART 5

Evening surrenders to night, sky darkening as the sun rests behind the horizon. You stare at your bedroom ceiling, eyes sore and puffy, drained of every last tear, unable to sleep. Not for lack of want or trying, but between your racing thoughts and burning palm it’s just not in the cards for you. This day just gets worse and worse.

Sighing, you crawl out of your blanket nest and slip your converse on. Maybe a visit to the rooftop garden will help clear your head, bring you some peace. 

You’re quiet as a mouse when you slip out into the hallway, biting your lip as you glance over your shoulder at Dieter’s door. You don't know whether to feel relieved or disappointed he hasn’t sought you out or even sent a text in the hours that have passed since his accidental overdose. Since you saw his soulmark.

You head upstairs, the flickering lightbulb in the stairwell providing just enough of a glow so you don’t trip and crack your head open. A shudder of unease ripples down your spine, imagining nobody would find your body for days, possibly even months, if something happened. Except for Krystal’s ambush the other day, you’re the only one who frequently visits the roof.

The nighttime air raises goosebumps along your skin, a pleasing shock to your lungs that sends your thoughts scattering. Inhaling a deep breath, you shuffle over to the railing, gazing out at the glittering city lights. Sometimes it’s nice to feel small, to be reminded there’s a great big world out there carrying on without knowledge of your troubles. 

You sense Dieter’s presence before you see him. A burst of warmth in the center of your chest followed by a phantom tugging sensation urging you to turn around. God, this soulmate bond is gonna take some time to get used to. 

You’ll have to get used to it, sooner or later. Nothing can sever a bond except for death. And you’ve heard it said when one soulmate dies, the other feels it no matter the distance. Like hellfire, is always the description. It’s like being doused in hellfire. Not only do the soulmates lose each other, but they lose their marks too, fading away as if they’d never been there at all. 

Steeling yourself, you slowly turn to look at him, at his unruly curls, his scruffy jawline, his…t-shirt? You blink, breath hitching when you glimpse his soulmark in the moonlight. He looks different without long-sleeves. Softer somehow, more vulnerable. 

“Hey,” you say quietly. “I…I didn’t know you knew about this place.”

Dieter’s hands flex nervously at his sides. “I only do because you mentioned it once. Said you loved the fresh air and the flowers.”

Your traitorous heart flutters at the admission. The memory unfolds in the back of your mind, a little blurry from the passage of time, but you remember telling him about the garden during one of your first movie marathons with him. About how it was one of your favorite places.

I always remember your favorite things, Pigeon.

Shaking your head to clear it, you look down at your shoes to avoid looking at his face when you ask, “Why are you here, Tramp?”

“We need to talk.”

You cross your arms over your churning stomach. We need to talk. The four most dreaded words of all time. And yeah, it’s true, you’ll admit you and Dieter need to talk about a lot of stuff. Like, a lot a lot. But hearing him acknowledge it has you suddenly feeling like you’re standing on the edge of a cliff. And you’re 100% certain you’re not gonna like what’s at the bottom.

“Can we not?” you counter, aiming for a light tone and missing by miles. You take a half step towards the door, intending to slip around him. “I’d rather we do it tomorrow, or you know what would be even better? Never. I’d prefer never so I’m just gonna—”

Dieter blocks your path, lips a thin line of frustration. You’ve never seen him look this angry before, not even when an art critic said cow manure was a prettier sight than Dieter’s paintings. 

“If you don’t want to talk, fine,” he says, even though the look on his face gives you the impression it’s definitely not fine. “But I’m going to so will you just listen to me for five fucking minutes, Pidge? Please.”

You stare at him for a long beat, and you see the fear in his gaze–fear that you’re going to say fuck you and walk away, fear that what’s broken will always be broken–and it hurts unexpectedly fiercely. It’s a look you never want to see again.

 So you nod, a short jerk of your head, and squeeze your arms tighter around yourself to stop your trembling.

Dieter’s eyes roam your face and whatever he sees has some of the tension in his frame loosening. When he starts talking, his words are slow, carefully chosen. “I’m sorry about what happened downstairs. It was stupid and reckless of me taking all those drugs at once.” He sniffs, glancing away briefly. “It’s just…they were the only thing that helped dull the pain.”

“Pain?” you ask before you can stop yourself. So much for not talking.

“It’s a soulmate thing, I think,” he answers, eyeing you warily like the word ‘soulmate’ will trigger some kind of explosive reaction. “I’m better when you’re around. And you…weren’t lately.”

You avert your gaze, guilt gnawing at you. All the pain you’d been struggling with during your weeks apart–you never considered he’d felt it too. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just–I needed some distance.”

Out of the corner of your eye, Dieter’s lips twist into a rueful look. “And now we’ve matched.” 

You hear the unspoken good luck finding distance now and you hate the way he speaks so gingerly like you’re made of glass. Like being soulmates is something to be cautious of instead of celebrating it. Matching with someone is supposed to be the happiest day of your lives and he hasn’t even cracked a smile once.

“Why didn’t you ever show me your soulmark?” you ask, and the question cuts your tongue with its sharpness.

His eyes briefly dip to the black triangle and the flicker of shame you glimpse fills you with a sense of petty self-satisfaction. “I was going to, when I came to invite you over for movies that first time, but then I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. You–”

You bark out a harsh, incredulous laugh. “Uncomfortable? Are you serious?”

His nostrils flare, upper lip curling into a snarl. “Yes, I’m fucking serious, Pidge. You told me you wanted us to be friends, remember? And I didn’t know what I did wrong or said wrong to make you reject me, but I said okay. I said okay because the alternative was losing you and I…I couldn’t let you go.” He scrubs a hand over his face, but it doesn’t hide the pain in his voice. “I’m a selfish bastard, alright? I’ll admit it. And I’m also the world’s biggest coward. I kept my mark hidden because I was afraid you’d look at it and you’d leave. And I-I couldn’t survive that.”

And you have absolutely no idea what to say to that. It’s like he’s given you a handful of puzzle pieces to make sense of and your brain can’t figure out where to even start. 

“What are you talking about?” Your confusion is audible in your voice, visible in the scrunching of your eyebrows. “Rejection? That wasn’t—I genuinely wanted to be friends with you.”

“Well, geez, that’s a relief,” Dieter replies sarcastically, rolling his eyes towards the sky. He sighs then, seeming to collect himself, and says quieter than you’ve ever heard him, “Just be honest with me, Pigeon. When we first met, what did I do wrong? Why was I good enough to be your friend but not your soulmate?”

You’re struck silent, racing heartbeat tripping and stuttering to a near stop, because it sounds like—

“I–” your voice cracks beneath the weight of emotion swelling up inside of you, pressing against your ribcage and lungs, almost suffocatingly. “I didn’t know we were soulmates when we first met.”

“Oh, Pidge,” he snorts a short, humorless laugh, giving you a look full of disappointment. “You had to have had some kind of clue. I named you, for fuck’s sake. We’re the only two in this whole damn building with a couple’s name. And if that wasn’t obvious enough–the spark when we shook hands?”

“That was static electricity!” you blurt out, because it was. That whole schtick in romance novels where soulmates experience sparks when they touch is just a popular trope to keep readers engaged.

…Wasn’t it? Isn’t it?

Don’t start panicking, don’t start panicking, don’t start panicking.

He stares at you, frustration and hurt slowly, ever so slowly fading away the longer he looks at your distressed face, eyes wide as the moon overhead and quivering lower lip. He licks his lips, voice hoarse. “You…you really didn't know?”

Your mouth opens, an emphatic no on the tip of your tongue, but that’s not the truth. Not really. Because there had been a moment you thought you were soulmates when you met him. The burst of elation you’d felt had been real. But so had the biting disappointment that had followed swiftly after.

“When we met, I thought your tattoo was your soulmark,” you say, sheepishly nodding towards the outlined triangle.

He blinks, taken aback by the admission, and looks at his forearm like he’s never seen it before. “What?”

And you hadn’t wanted to talk, but now it’s like the floodgates have burst open and you can’t control yourself anymore, needing him to know everything.

“I thought your tattoo was your soulmark and when it didn’t match mine, it absolutely devastated me. And then you showed up at my apartment and were so nice—I wanted you to be my friend, I really did. I thought I’d be happy just being Tramp and Pidge, but then the more I got to know you…” You bite your lip, nails digging into your arms.

Dieter tilts his head with a raised eyebrow, waiting for you to finish.

You groan, ducking your head to hide your embarrassment. “I started hoping we could be Lady and Tramp. You know, a couple.”

“You’ve got to be kidding,” he scoffs, croc scuffing at the ground. “You wouldn’t even go out for donuts with me—”

“I’m telling the truth,” you say, desperate for him to believe you. “I just never said anything because of your tattoo and–”

“Pidge, stop–”

“—I also didn’t want to ruin our friendship or your relationship with Kate, so–”

Dieter holds up both his hands, shaking his head wildly back and forth. “Wait, wait, wait. What the hell does Kate have to do with any of this?”

“A whole lot,” you answer, a smidge grumpier than you intend to sound. “Considering she’s your girlfriend or fuckbuddy or whatever.”

He stares at you, eyebrows knitting together in confusion, or shock maybe, it’s hard to tell in the dark, and then he bursts into laughter. Loud and buoyant and coming from deep within his stomach. It’s the kind of infectious laughter that should make you want to start laughing too, except it’s hard to find it funny when you’re the punchline. 

“Yeah, yeah,” you flap an irritated hand at him, “glad I amuse you so much, Chuckles.”

Dieter, sensing your souring mood, attempts to control his breathing again, wiping away mirthful tears out of the corners of his eyes, but his smile remains stretched wide like an unhinged clown’s.

“Kate’s my personal trainer,” he says at last.

And that’s…not at all what you’d been expecting to hear.

“She’s what?”

“She’s an AI, technically,” he explains, finally schooling his expression into a serious one. Well, serious for Dieter, at least. “Out of all the options Mirror Gym offered, I liked her best.”

Kate’s my motivation. She changes me, makes me better.

“Mirror Gym?” For a second time, your brain is malfunctioning, unable to comprehend what your ears are hearing.  And as the cogs struggle to turn, something in the back of your mind clicks into place, reminding you of the floor mirror in Dieter’s living room you’d always thought was strange. 

Nobody else challenges me like she does. That's why I stick with her.

Dieter nods, oblivious to your inner kerfuffle, though he seems a little self-conscious, smoothing a hand over the front of his shirt, over his stomach. “Yeah, I’m…you know, not as fit as I used to be and working out in public, being around so many people is…” He rubs at the back of his neck now, a dusting of red on his cheeks and tips of his ears. “I just like staying home instead.”

And never in a million years would you have suspected Dieter Bravo, renowned for parading around shamelessly in a bathrobe and boxers, to be insecure about his body. But then again, almost all those times he’s been high or drunk, mind too preoccupied to let any insecurities take root. 

You’re struck with the near overwhelming urge to wrap your arms around him, to tell him he’s beautiful just as he is. But you force yourself to resist it, knowing this conversation is far from over.

“So,” you lick your lips, forcing your brain to reboot and dig up a buried memory you swore never to think about again. “When I came over with the mugs, you were just exercising?”

“Usually I work out in the mornings, but I overslept that day,” he says, face turning even redder. You barely stifle the quiet coo of awe building in your throat. “You caught me in the middle of a session.”

You say nothing, taking a moment to absorb the truth, to let it thoroughly sink in and dissolve some of the heavy weight you’ve been carrying for so, so long. You think about all those sounds that wake you up in the mornings–the squeaking bed frame and the loud thuds and groans–and you imagine Dieter’s cluttered living room, how exercising in front of that ugly mirror would require moving stuff around to give him enough space. You’ve been such an idiot, jealous over nothing, assuming the worst.

Maybe there’s some validity to that old saying after all: when you assume something, you make an ass out of you and me.

“Is that why you slapped me at the party?” Dieter asks, seeming to have a lightbulb moment. “Because you thought I was cheating on my non-girlfriend?”

You uncross your arms, subconsciously playing with your fingers instead, linking and unlinking them. “Partly, yes.”

“What was the other part?”

“Honestly? It hurt too much,” you confess, grimacing at the way your voice wobbles. “Hearing you say we’d be good together but knowing we couldn’t be because our marks didn’t match. Or I thought they didn’t, at least.” You shake your head, wondering, “Why do you even have a tattoo that looks so similar to your soulmark? Is it to be funny or something?”

Dieter doesn’t answer right away, just silently watches you for a few seconds before once again turning his gaze to his tattoo, running a fingertip over the lines. “Actually, it was my brother’s soulmark. We were twins, Gio and I,” he says, eyes darkening with grief and your stomach bottoms out. “He died before he got to meet his soulmate. I got this tattoo so that if I ever bumped into them, if they ever recognized the mark they used to have before death erased it, then I could tell them about him.”

“Oh, Dieter…” You breathe in a sharp breath through your nose, helpless to stop the tears brimming in your eyes. Just when you think you can’t love this man more…

Reaching out a tentative hand, ready to retreat if your touch is undesired, you slowly wrap your fingers around his wrist. A spark runs up your arm, bringing small grins to both of your faces.

“We’ve both been such idiots,” you say, shaking your head as you think back over all the unnecessary heartache and drama of the last three months. “God, I thought O’Malley and Georgette had relationship issues, but we’re like the poster children for miscommunication.”

It’s a genuine miracle that this moment is even happening. Then again, fate always has a stubborn way of working itself out in the end.

“I meant it,” Dieter murmurs, so low you almost miss it, and he twists his wrist in your grip, reminiscent of your first meeting, until his fingers can ghost over your soulmark. “What I said at the party. We’d be so good together, Pidge. We are good together.”

One last hook of insecurity remains deeply sunken into your heart, stubbornly refusing to disappear, not until you know for sure. “You really want me? You don’t wish you matched with somebody else?”

“You’re my Lady,” he answers without hesitation, hands coming up to cup your face, thumbs gently wiping away the few fallen teardrops sliding down your cheeks. When he steps closer, it feels like time has stopped. It feels right. As if there’s nowhere else on earth you two are supposed to be except here with each other. And that love you’d felt when you discovered the bond, it’s coming back tenfold, wrapping around you like a security blanket until it’s all you can feel, all you know. “You’re the only one I could ever be happy with.”

Your lips curl into an impish smile, grabbing fistfuls of his t-shirt and pulling him even closer, noses brushing and breaths intermingling. “So what you’re saying is those mugs were a great purchase.”

“The best,” he agrees, and then he’s closing the distance, sealing your mouth with his in a deep, bruising kiss. Your knees nearly buckle from the intensity, but once again his arm is quick to wrap around your waist, pulling you tighter against him, the warmth of his body setting your soul on fire.

You finally, finally submit to the selfish urge to grab Dieter’s hair, fingers sinking into his luscious curls, and their softness is everything you dreamed they would be. Dieter moans into your mouth, low and pleased, and fuck if that doesn’t send another flood of heat through your body from head to toe. 

“You make me happy, too. Even when you steal my food and wear ugly socks with your even uglier crocs,” you tell him, pulling back to catch your breath. He stays close, pressing his lips against your cheek and jawline, making up for the time spent apart. Heaven, you think, unable to stop smiling, heart so full with affection it almost hurts. This must be heaven. 

“You know what would make this night perfect?” Dieter says suddenly, leaning back. His lips twitch like he’s resisting a smile and your eyes narrow suspiciously.

“What?”

“Spaghetti.”

It takes a second for the reference to click, and then laughter bubbles out of your throat, lovesick and jubilant, and you can’t resist pulling him back in for another kiss. Then another and another. You hope with every touch and caress, every breathless gasp and moan, and every press of your lips against his that he hears your unspoken declaration: I love you, I love you, I love you, my Tramp. 

My Dieter. 

And later on, when you're both tangled in your bedsheets, legs intertwined while his arms hold you against his bare chest, he’ll press his lips reverently against your soulmark over and over again, hoping you hear his unvoiced reply: I love you, I love you, I love you, my Lady. 

My Pidge.

[sxs-kav]

In defense of Hophie, and how I would improve it

First of all, spoilers ahead, obviously. Secondly, this is a pro-Hophie post. Not to try and convince anyone to change their minds, but because while I love them together, I also recognize that they're relationship buildup was a disaster. But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t have worked at all with some tweaking. Also I just have a lot of thoughts about this series right now so I need to let them out or they'll just keep rattling around in my brain. Sorry this is like another dissertation.

I'll be honest: I may be totally biased towards Hort because I am a sucker for unrequitted love stories. Take my favorite example, Seiya/Usagi. I couldn't help comparing a lot of Hophie's interactions and story beats to them (though I think Seiya/Usagi is a stronger ship). I know a lot of people will say Hort is creepy, and yeah, I remember moments where I was like, okay calm your hormones dude. But just because he was open about his feelings I don't think he was pushy. I see people saying he pushed himself on Sophie, but I didn't see that. He was just there, trying to prove himself over and over, being supportive, protective, and even accepting that things weren't going to happen between them. It's why he was able to try dating Nicola. But just because you try to move on or accept someone's rejection doesn't mean you stop caring. I do wish he was a stronger character on his own. He has potential (I feel like I say that a lot about these books). He can be clever, he’s strong (maybe a bit OP), savage and yet kind-hearted. I would have liked to see him warm up to Tedros more, become unlikely bros. They almost did at the end of the last book. Also would have liked to see more of his motives beyond protecting Sophie, since he already reached his goal of burying his father. Maybe he learns to like teaching history more than he thought or finds some other thing he enjoys while they’re out questing.

Sophie on the other hand...I wish I'd seen more development of her feelings. Not so much in the first trilogy; I think the way it was open-ended with her being single and happy was nice, it left us to our imaginations. But if the end game was Hophie from the start of Camelot Years, then it needed to be better. There were so many missed opportunities to show her growing close to him, seeing him in a different light, questioning her feelings. They happened sparsely, and almost like an afterthought, until the last third of the last book where suddenly she was in love. And as a person who is perfectly comfortable being single, I don't think it ruins her character growth to be in a relationship. But rather than wanting it because she's lonely and misses Agatha, I wish it was because she just happened to fall in love along the way. In fact, that would have been even more compelling: being so happy alone that she wonders if she wants to be in a relationship at all, but unable to help falling for Hort, and realizing it doesn't mean she has to stop being independent and comfortable with herself.

What drives me nuts too is the Handbook. I really enjoyed it as a companion piece for expanding the world and letting us be inside the characters’ heads without narration. But it also heavily implied that there was already something developing between Hophie before the Camelot trilogy (especially the last bit about Sophie whispering something in Hort’s ear). So why did it seem like they were no closer to getting together by the time Camelot started?

I also have to point out Nicola. I hope I don't get hate for this, but she was kind of pointless, and a Mary Sue. She comes in like a self-insert character who read the first trilogy and wants to self-ship with Hort. She's got too much special knowledge that gets them out of trouble when no one else can. She's smarter than a lot of the other first years and there's not a good explanation why she was in Evil and switched to Good. The Storian picked her to go with them, but there was no resolution for why she was so important to be mentioned by name when no one really knew her beforehand. Then suddenly she became a background character because Soman was focused in on Hophie. Not to mention how quickly she went from being infatuated with Hort to being annoyed every time he spoke. Their breakup was so forced, and it only made it clear that Nicola was introduced mostly to create a love triangle, but it wasn't even utilized well to advance Hophie's relationship. It all goes back to Soman's writing in general, which I went on about at length in a different post, so check that out if you want.

For now, may I present to you how I would have written Hophie's love story:

Starting in book 4, since Sophie and Hort have been working closely for the last 6 months, they have gotten to be very close friends. Eating together, doing lesson plans together, etc., and yes, Sophie still has him do things for her because that’s just how she is, but he doesn’t mind because that’s how he is. Sophie hasn't felt this comfortable around another person since Agatha, that she can just be herself and not worry about judgement. Obviously she can tell Hort's feelings haven't changed a bit, and they do have some flirty moments, but she's so at peace with herself in her independence, she doesn't want to disturb that balance and possibly become the old Sophie who felt like all she wanted in life was a boyfriend. So she skirts around any advances or moments where they're on the brink of something, doing her best not to hurt Hort's feelings even more.

In comes Nicola. Things generally play out the same in the books, with Hort feeling like Sophie will just never feel the same, that maybe she only sees him as a friend now that they've gotten to know each other so intimately. So he gives Nicola a chance, and Sophie is jealous. More so than the hinted jealousy we got in the books that lasted like five minutes. This girl just came along and snatched up her bestie (not that she’s replacing Agatha, but how can she not consider Hort a best friend in this scenario?) and she does not want to go through that again. But she's also annoyed with herself for being jealous because she chose this life of being single and she likes it. She's not unhappy, she's not lost and lonely anymore. She shouldn't care that someone else is dating Hort because she already chose not to. She has no claim to him, and he looks happy. So she doesn’t try to break them up (after the first few days) but she keeps her distance.

As for Rhian, Sophie has her doubts still about dating, but now she's wondering if she hasn’t changed as much as she thought. Clearly she still wants love in some capacity if she can get so jealous, and since she missed her chance with Hort she doesn't want to lose another. She also uses Rhian a bit to get back at Hort even though he didn't really do anything wrong (but it's Sophie, she needs to let her anger out somehow). But even as Rhian dotes on her and acts like the prince she'd always dreamed of, she's still not entirely satisfied. She's still jealous. She realizes that it's not that she just wants any old boyfriend so she won’t miss out on love. She only wants Hort, and now it's too late. She plans to dump Rhian but he holds her hostage before she has a chance.

Meanwhile, Nicola is getting to know the real Hort, rather than the storybook one, and she's starting to wonder if maybe she was more attracted to the idea of him than the actual person. There would be a moment when he would do something that she was either disgusted by or showed a side of him she didn't know was there and didn't like. Maybe something Never-ish that bothered her more than she'd thought it would. She starts to rethink her feelings, while also seeing more and more that Hort is not over Sophie.

Hort is basically the same as the books with his protectiveness, but since it would be established that he and Sophie are even closer friends, he would try to talk to her like normal and she would be very distant. He's confused and hurt, but he keeps trying until Rhian comes along. When Sophie rubs him in Hort’s face, he gets angry and puts all his attention on Nicola, rubbing it back in her face, creating a vicious cycle. But Nicola’s fantasy of him is already breaking. I think they would break up sooner in this version of the story, since it’s not really necessary for them still to be together after they are captured by Rhian.

Sophie and Hort’s anger at each other is put aside after Rhian pulls the sword. There would still be the scene where she chooses to take him from the dungeon, and the rescue gone wrong. This whole section of book 5, from Hort trying to kill Rhian through the stymph rescue is one of my favorite parts because you really felt the chemistry between Sophie and Hort, how easy it was for them to plot together without even speaking. I think it would be even more heartbreaking when he leaves without her, because they almost made it out together, but now they’re separated again without having had a chance to apologize to each other, not knowing if they’ll ever see each other again.

The first thing they do when they’re reunited in Gnomeland is apologize, and though it’s a little awkward at first, now that Nicola dumped Hort, they fall right back to where they were before. From here, I think the story would progress pretty similarly to how it does in the books, with the some minor changes. Obviously Sophie and Agatha’s conversation on the camel would be different, with Sophie confessing to her about her feelings and the fact that she held back because she didn’t want to lose her independence. Agatha would urge her to act on her feelings using herself as an example. She still did what she wanted, even when Tedros wanted her to act like a regular princess, and she’s sure Hort would never hold her back from being her own person and doing what made her happy. That’s when Sophie decides that she’s going to make her move the next chance she gets.

The scene in the Mirage would be a little different too. Rather than accidentally insulting Hort, their conversation would just be interrupted by the arrival of the army. And they’d still be interrupted in the Celestium. The scene where Hort ‘dies’ would also be pretty much the same, but I think it would hit harder after all this build up. And their reunion scene would be even more satisfying, but I’d have Sophie run at him and kiss him before they say anything. He would be shocked, but he wouldn’t dare to let her go. They’d both be all teary-eyed as Hort explained how he lived and that the wolf was gone, and she might not like him anymore. She would definitely confess that she’d been in love with him for a while, not for the wolf but for the man. That she wanted to tell him in Shazabah, and how sorry she was for being too stubborn to let herself be happy, independent and in love. He would agree that she was stubborn, but also say he loved her for it.

And that, my friends, is how Hophie should have been written. If it was, I think a lot more people would appreciate it, and I would like it even more than I do. I see so much potential for what could have been, and again I’m left frustrated by how it was actually done. But at least I can finally say one of my ships is actually canon, problematic as it is.

[doberbutts]

Something I talk about a lot when discussing how to tell the difference between “person who breeds dogs” and “person who is a good breeder” is the idea of breeder support, and I usually talk about it when it comes to when things go wrong with your dog or your life. Creed’s breeder offered to take him in when I was completely unable to move unassisted after my car accident. Tater’s breeder pays her medical bills. And so on and so forth.

But what about when things go right?

I’ve been in pretty constant contact with Sushi’s breeder. Sushi has been the easiest dog I’ve ever owned or trained and certainly the easiest to take on the service dog journey. Sushi’s breeder co-owns her with me but makes very little demands of me knowing that this dog is actively being trained and worked with.

I asked her if I could come to her house for a little bit of training advice and not only did she say yes immediately but also she spent the entire afternoon going over three different disciplines with me for free.

Fast forward about a year as we’ve been working on things and I mention two different things to her: I’m interested in doing a little more herding now that she’s gained some maturity, and we’ve started rally classes. She again immediately invites me to come down. I’m bringing a friend to test her dog on sheep too. My friend has to pay for the lesson. I don’t. Why? “You spent $3000 on a dog from me, I’m not charging you to let her chase the sheep”. 

Additionally, she also followed up by asking me to go to two different rally trials she’s attending with her dogs coming up in May, warning me if I want to enter Sushi that I’ll need to do so quickly because they fill up in a flash. I don’t know that we’re ready, but it’ll be good to get the squishiest dog some dog show experience either way and of course she’ll enjoy seeing grandma and her dog family. Her breeder said she’d stay and watch us to give us some pointers since this’ll be Sushi’s first ring experience.

All of that is breeder support! I have no patience or desire to deal with a dog breeder that sells a dog and then basically it becomes the new owner’s problem from then on. A good breeder should be celebrating their owners’ successes, guiding them through their frustrations, and extending a hand in times of trouble. We see that breeders who do this rarely if ever have dogs add to the shelter/rescue population, because even if an owner decides they don’t want that dog anymore the breeder will always take the dog back. And owners that are succeeding deserve to be celebrated and congratulated by the person who made that dog.

[astrologyfactzzz]

🌙 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸𝑆 🌙

The Moon in the houses can reveal where and how we go about seeking emotional satisfaction.

Important clues to the reason for perpetual emotional unrest can be found through the study of the house position of the Moon, and these take the form of constant changes or ups and downs in the areas of life rules by the house. It is in these areas in that we should aim to make deep attachments rather than superficial and temporary emotional thrills if we are seeking out a true feeling of belonging and emotional fulfillment.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐹𝐼𝑅𝑆𝑇 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

Your feelings are right out there for everyone to see, and you can come across as emotional and impatient, or nurturing and caring (or both). Your first reaction is emotional, especially if the Moon is in close proximity (within 10 degrees) of the Ascendent degree. You need emotional stimulation, movement and freedom to express yourself in order to feel happy and fulfilled.

Your moods are very changeable, and this can be quite obvious to others. Because of your emotional sensitivity, you might often take things too personally, and react too quickly. Developing an awareness that others‘ emotions are just as important, even if they are not as overt and immediate as yours, will be important.

You have a soft exterior and tend to relate very personally and sympathetically to other people. However, you sometimes let your emotions overpower your reasoning and logic, and consequently, you are sometimes biased in your opinions. You are impressionable and rather gentle, or at least that is the way you appear. Your feelings are on the surface and you can not hide your emotions.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑆𝐸𝐶𝑂𝑁𝐷 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

When it comes to money, you can be generous and frivolous in your spending habits one day, and frugal the next. You can be quite afraid of being in debt, and you need to feel secure and safe. This is likely also true of savings, as you fear being without.

Still, there are times when you can spend impulsively, on a whim, and this is likely when you are feeling emotionally frustrated. You might also hold onto people quite tightly. Vanity can be an issue. You are often looking for admiration, and you can be quite dependent on others for positive feedback until you learn to develop your own feelings of self-worth. You’re not as emotionally responsive as most people. You tend to hold back and wait before expressing yourself, and when you do it is with deliberation.

You are likely to be a great collector of things - a real pack rat in fact - for your belongings give you a sense of security and continuity with the past, which is important to you. Antiques or things with sentimental value from your past are especially dear to you.

You may also cling rather tightly to both money and possessions, keeping them "in the family" rather then sharing freely with those outside of your immediate circle.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑇𝐻𝐼𝑅𝐷 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

You are very responsive, communicative and curious. You can have a talent for imitating others and/or for picking up languages. You might either intellectualize your emotions rather than truly feel them and deal with them, or you communicate with excessive emotion. Some of you may do both at different times, and as you mature and develop, you learn to find balance.

Your opinions and ideas change often, and you might find that sometimes you adopt others’ points of view and express their ideas as if they were your own. This is not necessarily because you are a copy-cat, but because you sometimes fail to own your own thoughts, and you are so sensitive to others’ opinions. You might be quite nervous and restless, requiring frequent changes of scenery, even if the moment or travel takes place locally.

You often make decisions solely for emotional or personal reasons, because something “feels right” or because you’ve always done it a certain way and you are uncomfortable changing it. Even when you think you’re being rational, your prejudices, intuitions, and feelings influence your thoughts a great deal. You are comfortable talking about feelings and personal subjects, and sharing confidences, which enables others to express their own inner feelings with you as well. You have good psychological insight into others.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐹𝑂𝑈𝑅𝑇𝐻 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

You long for a sense of true belonging, but may be quite restless in your search. You might change residence frequently, or simply feel the need to make many changes in your home.

Moving frequently may be a healthy thing if it keeps you emotionally stimulated, but if you find that you do so on whims and later regret the changes, you might want to treat it as a symptom of emotional unrest - as a sign that you are in a constant search for the perfect mood setting, when in fact a feeling of belonging should be worked on from the inside out, not the outside in! Some of you might remain rather immature on an emotional level, never wanting to truly grow up and take care of yourself. Attachments to your past, traditions and family are strong.

You have strong attachments to your past, the places where you grew up, your heritage and family traditions. In fact, you may be unable to step out of the habits and roles you learned as a child. Your tie to your mother is very strong and you also seek mothering and protection from your spouse and other family members as well.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐹𝐼𝐹𝑇𝐻 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

You love to share emotional experiences with loved ones and have a flair for the dramatic. Love affairs are magnetic and intense, and you don’t take them lightly by any means, although you may go through much change with regard to your romance. You are attached to children, wether they’re your own or not. Your creative hobbies are subject to relatively frequent changes, and you have innate artistic talent. You have a vivid imagination and are given to daydreaming often. There is a sense that you, are always in touch, or trying to get in touch, with your inner child.

If the Moon is challenged, you may have problems with impulsive shopping or gambling or with frequent love affairs that never fully satisfy you. In any of these cases, you are more attached to the game than the player, and this is something to work on if you are looking to find true fulfillment. You might take risks just for the fun of it, but in the process, you are being irresponsible to others and yourself.

You are emotionally expressive and often dramatize your feelings, acting them out or blowing them out of proportion. You can not hide your instinctive emotional reactions to people or situations, and you don’t make any pretenses about your personal sympathies or antipathies.

You have a childlike openness and playfulness which is very appealing to others, but which sometimes gets you into trouble, as you take risks on impulse or whim.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑆𝐼𝑋𝑇𝐻 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

You have an emotional need to be useful, to work productively, to be organized and on top of things, and to lead a healthy life. If these matters are chaotic in your life, it’s a symptom of emotional unrest. You need a lot of variety on the job–to be stimulated and engaged in order to feel happy. Some of you might seem to change jobs often, forever in search of the “perfect fit” job. Acceptance that any job requires some level of routine is hard for you.

You are very sensitive, and especially aware of minor health annoyances or body aches and pains. Some of you have hypochondriac symptoms. Some attempt to get out of things they don’t want to do by emphasizing health problems or even exaggerate illnesses in order to gain sympathy. At your best, however, you’re a person who always helps out and shows your affection for others in practical ways in order to help them solve problems and improve their lives.

You have a sympathetic nature and instinctively reach out to people in need of help. You also have a deeply ingrained tendency to want to improve or “fix” other people’s lives, which can be annoying to the person who has no desire to be changed or “helped” in this way. For you, affection and caring must be expressed in tangible acts or service of some kind.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑆𝐸𝑉𝐸𝑁𝑇𝐻 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

You are drawn to partnerships and prefer to have a companion for emotional support. You are not a person who would happily take in a movie by yourself, or dine alone, for example. A partner awakens feelings in you that you may never know you had, and you seem to need a partner to learn about your own needs and feelings.

You seek emotional fulfillment through relationships, but you may have many relationships one after another, each time believing that this is “the one.” Taking time between relationships is something that is hard for you to do, but quite necessary, as you tend to jump into relationships out of fear of being alone.

You are very adaptable to others’ needs, and usually quite likeable as a result. Be careful that you don’t become overly dependent on a partner, or assume that a partner is going to treat you the same way as you do them.

You depend a great deal upon other people for emotional support and you have a large “family” of friends that care about you and treat you as kin. The women in your life are particularly important to you, and your relationship with them powerfully influences your sense of security and happiness. You may be overly dependent and unsure of yourself without a close partner.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐸𝐼𝐺𝐻𝑇𝐻 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

While you have a strong need for emotional security, you are also a person who is drawn to pushing your own limits, and many lifestyle changes can be the result of this need to challenge, or reinvent, yourself emotionally. You are always fascinated with how people work, taboos, secrets, and all that is forbidden or hidden. Sexual unrest, or an apparent need to constantly change sexual partners or to challenge yourself sexually, may be a symptom of emotional insecurity.

Connecting with another person intimately is an emotional need, but your changeable emotions might often get in the way of your goal. Jealousy and possessiveness might also be qualities you struggle with. At your best, however, you are a person who is intimate, deep, and intensely loyal to a partner.

Though you want closeness very much, you often close yourself off and do not really trust others who may wish to get to know you. You are very wholehearted in your feelings and responses to people, and you want all or nothing from the people you care for.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑁𝐼𝑁𝑇𝐻 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

This is a position that can indicate a deep longing for stimulation above and beyond the everyday, mundane routine. You are a philosophical sort, interested and curious about the world, other people, and perhaps different cultures. You can be extremely restless and discontented if you don’t have a definite goal in mind.

You might find yourself longing to be somewhere else when you are unhappy, imagining that if you were to move or travel, you would be much happier. However, this attitude can only keep you from enjoying and improving upon the situation you are now in, only serving to make you feel more unhappy in the present and with your current circumstances.

Trying to avoid the attitude that “the grass is greener on the other side” will be important, while attending to your needs to get away from time to time will help scratch the seemingly incurable itch for something more.

You may have done extensive traveling in your early years, or in some way had a background which enables you to understand and identify with many different types of people or cultures.

You have a craving for things which are far away and foreign or for things you have never experienced before. You want to completely immerse yourself in the feelings and tastes of a new place, rather than simply have facts or an intellectual appreciation. Emotionally, too, you are restless and something of a wanderer.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑇𝐸𝑁𝑇𝐻 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

This position of the Moon indicates an emotional need for recognition, popularity, acknowledgement, and achievement. You can be quite charismatic. You are at your emotional best when you lead a structured and responsible life, but it can take time to get there.

You may change your goals and ambitions, and/or your profession frequently in an attempt to find the perfect fit. You may worry about living up to your image, or the expectations of your family. Decisions may be too emotionally biased, or you might act on emotional whims far too often. Learning to set your own heartfelt goals is the challenge here, as it is unlikely you will find true happiness if you follow or adopt the expectations of others, which you are especially sensitive to.

You work well with the public and have an instinct for what the public wants and will respond to. Having a “nest” is not especially important to you, and you may invest more of your emotional energy into your career or public life than in your private life. Providing for and caring for others in a professional capacity is very likely.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝐸𝐿𝐸𝑉𝐸𝑁𝑇𝐻 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

This position of the Moon indicates an emotional need for a feeling of belonging with, and support from, friends and associations with groups. You look to acquaintances for support, and offer the same in return. A changeable or unstable social life might be a reflection of inner emotional unrest. Waxing and waning feelings for others can cause problems in your relationships.

You are a person who is filled with many dreams, wishes, and hopes for your future, and most of these are altruistic and good-hearted desires. However, you might change your aspirations frequently, with your changing moods, and have a hard time settling on goals to work towards as a result.

You get a lot of emotional fulfillment through your involvement in groups, clubs, organizations, community activities, or a network of close friends who support and care for you. You make friends your family, and feel a close kinship with people who share some ideals or beliefs that you hold dear. You need people outside of your physical family to relate to and belong to.

🌙 𝑀𝑂𝑂𝑁 𝐼𝑁 𝑇𝐻𝐸 𝑇𝑊𝐸𝐿𝑇𝐻 𝐻𝑂𝑈𝑆𝐸 🌙

This position of the Moon indicates an emotional attachment and sensitivity to all that is ethereal, groundless, and eternal. As sensitive as you are, you often have delayed reactions to your own emotional experiences. You need frequent moments of solitude in order to recharge yourself emotionally, and this need, while strong, can also lead to feelings of isolation and of being misunderstood.

While you are a perceptive person, you are often either flooded with emotions that are hard to define, or completely out of touch with what you are feeling. Either extreme keeps you from truly discovering your emotional needs. Negative expressions of this position are avoidance of responsibility, using hypersensitivity as an excuse to oneself (and perhaps to others) for not participating, or emotional immaturity. You are sympathetic to others’ suffering, but not always emotionally available to help.

Your own feelings and emotions are something of an enigma to you, and it is often difficult for you to share with others what you are feeling. You frequently withdraw from contact with the world, and need a healing, peaceful environment in order to blossom and come out of yourself. You identify with the oppressed, disenfranchised or underdog in any situation and want to help them or care for them in some way.

[jaesqueso]

Double trouble (m)

Originally posted by @jaeshyuck

pairing: co-worker!johnny x fem!reader x co-worker!jaehyun

summary: johnny and jaehyun team up to rail you

part 1 | part 2 | part 3

word count: 1,159

warnings: swearing, fingering, oral sex (giving and receiving), unprotected sex (please protect yourselves though), threesome

a/n: I’ve been writing too much fluff recently and I just need to write something filthy and nasty so here you go! the first scene was inspired by this porn I saw and I just thought it was so hot... anyway, do give me some feedback please! ❤︎

☽ ・・・・・ ☾

You don’t know exactly how you got to your bed, all your clothes off and two also naked man all over you. Johnny and Jaehyun are your coworkers and you’ve seen them checking you out around the office but never in a million years you’d expect to take them at the same time.

Right now Jaehyun is abusing your lips with his own and two fingers pumping in and out of your tight and already very wet hole, while Johnny is licking and lightly bitting one of your nipples as one of his hands furiously rubs your clit. You are moaning into Jaehyun’s mouth stroking a different dick with each of your hands.

“Damn baby, if we knew you’d be this wet for us we would have done this sooner.” Johnny says while moving to your other breast.

You accidentally bite Jaehyun’s lip as you feel your orgasm coming closer.

“Shit, someone’s feisty.” He pulls back from your mouth and looks at your desperate face. “Are you gonna cum for us princess?”

You can only nod as his fingers continuously poke your g-spot at an unbelievable speed.

“Fuck!” You moan loudly as you cum all over their hands. They both continue their movements for a while and then remove their fingers from you.

“She looks really pretty all sweaty and wet for us doesn’t she?” Johnny asked Jaehyun as both of them look down at your trembling body while you lazily stroke their members.

“She really does.” Jaehyun replies and then turns to you. “Can you handle another one princess?”

You don’t know what came over you but you nod with your eyes closed still taking in what you now agreed to be your first orgasm of the night. Jaehyun kneels between your legs and lowers his head to your throbbing core taking one finger and spreading your wetness all around. You roll your eyes as you’re still sensitive and lift your upper body supported on your elbows. Johnny takes the opportunity to kneel closer to your head turning your face to his hardness with his hand. You get the cue and lick his tip tasting his pre-cum that is leaking out. At the same time Jaehyun dives in to taste your juices.

“So fucking delicious.” He continues to lick your cunt as you take in Johnny’s length in your mouth. The oldest drops his head back grabbing your hair and helping you bob your head.

Jaehyun focus his tongue on your clit as his fingers find their way back inside you. You moan into Johnny’s dick as you feel your second orgasm building up.

“Your mouth feels so good baby.” You look up at him, eyes glistening in pleasure. “I wonder if your pussy will take me this well.”

The thought of having him inside you combined with Jaehyun’s fingers curling up has you cum for the second time, removing the cock in your mouth.

“Already?” Jaehyun lifts his head from between your legs. “Oh princess we’re not even half done with you.” You whimper at his words. He takes is fingers out of you and holds them in the other male’s direction. “Do you want a taste?”

Johnny happily sucks Jaehyun’s fingers tasting you. They both look at you with hungry eyes seeing your body all fucked up and sweaty in the middle of your bed and you feel a shiver down your spine.

“She does taste good.” Johnny takes the youngest’s fingers from is mouth and then slightly leans over you. “Are you on the pill?” You only nod unable to get a word out of your mouth. “Great, would you be a good girl and get on all fours for me?”

You nod again and get into the requested position. Jaehyun moves to sit down in front of you stroking his dick right in your face. Johnny positions himself behind you and massages your ass before giving it a spank. You lean forward from the impact and Jaehyun takes the opportunity to push his length past your lips. You start bobbing your head on him as you feel Johnny stroking his throbbing member between your folds before pushing the tip inside your hole.

“Damn baby you’re so fucking tight.” He moans as he keeps pushing himself in until his balls hit your clit. Jaehyun moans too as you send vibrations on his cock.

When you resume sucking his dick Johnny starts moving inside you holding your hips in place. You arch your back and he hits just the right spot making you dig your nails into Jaehyun’s tights. He moans but doesn’t protest.

“If you keep clenching around me I won’t be able to last long baby.” You hear Johnny half say half moan behind you. You didn’t even realised you were doing it but you’re unable to stop as you feel yet another orgasm building up inside you. How many times would you be able to cum before you pass out?

A few more strokes and he paints your walls with his own juices as he tightens his grip on your hips. He slowly removes his length from you watching as some of his cum drips out.

“My turn.” Jaehyun takes his dick off your mouth and rolls you over so that you’re laying on your back. He places himself on top of you and aligns his cock with your entrance. He penetrates you pushing Johnny’s juices back in. “Shit you were right, she’s so tight.”

The oldest smiles as he lays on his side next to you. He places a hand in your cheek turning your head to him to kiss you. You’re barely able to kiss him back as Jaehyun roughly pounds into you lifting one of your legs over his shoulder. Johnny then moves his mouth to your neck allowing you to moan as he massages one of your breasts.

“Can you give us one more?” Jaehyun asks you rubbing your clit with one of his hands. And that’s all it takes for you to cum for the third time tonight. “Fuck.” He whimpers as you clench around him making him orgasm too.

He removes himself from you watching your three juices combined oozing out. He then lays down on your other side, trying to catch his breath. Johnny takes his hands off you laying on his back. The three of you lay there naked and staring at the celling trying to understand if this really happened or if it was just a very real fantasy.

“Well that was fun.” Johnny is the first one to break the silence in the room and you all laugh at his remark.

“It might be too soon to say this but I think we should do this again sometime.” Jaehyun says and turns to you. “If you’re ok with it of course.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” You finally speak and you all smile.

The office dynamic will definitely get interesting from now on.

[merakiui]

Apricity

yandere!albedo x (gender neutral) reader art credit - miHoYo cw: nsfw elements, yandere, captivity/restraints, unhealthy behaviors note - please come home to me and take care on the journey, albedo! :D also kindly heed the warnings. thank you!

His eyes are unnaturally pretty. Like twin crystals glittering in an expansive, dismal cave, searching for secrets unheard of within Mondstadt. Somehow you’re always in his peripheral, not too close and yet impossibly far at the same time. The distance is harrowing, terribly so, and Albedo knows it should be nothing short of a coincidence. When he shows up at your quaint stall with Sucrose, claiming to be in need of the exact wares you happen to sell, you pay it no mind. After all, you’ve met your fair share of regulars, and their support is what keeps you afloat. 

But there is more to those beautiful irises than he lets on. Whether it’s intentional or not, you can’t exactly say. You suppose you would rather run into someone as well-respected as Albedo as opposed to an unlikable stranger with ill intent. And it’s always great to see a familiar face, especially when he chooses to peruse your stall rather the others around you. It isn’t all that strange; you’ve even become friends with Sucrose during your short interactions. Albedo has indulged in stiff conversations with you before, but most of them were meaningless. Simple throwaway chatter between two acquaintances. 

Oddly enough, Albedo finds himself wanting more. He doesn’t want to talk about the weather or the transitioning seasons; he wants to listen to you explain how your day was and if you made more profit than the day before that. He wants to stand there and immerse himself in your pleasant voice, ignorant to the hustle and bustle of the people around him. And yet he just can’t. For a variety of reasons that pull him out of the haze of intrigue, you’ll always remain in the background. And he simply can’t bear the thought of that.

It’s rude to deteriorate a relationship that’s only just begun to blossom. If your meager acquaintanceship with him were to wither away into dust, he would feel obligated to keep it going—as if he were simply beating a dead cow with a stick. Although your hobbies differ from his, it’s nothing he can’t handle. A genius must familiarize himself with other areas of study if he intends to craft solutions that are outside of the box.

“Albedo?” 

Your tone is meek and small, tinged with the slightest shiver. Part of him feels bad for lying to you, but you were just so trusting. It’s almost comical how easily you fell into his trap. If he gets to see you in such a delicious way all the time, he’s more than willing to forsake the truth to meet his own desires. A selfish wish, yes, but it’s absolutely wonderful.

“What is it?” 

He eyes you from his spot behind the easel, and even though you can’t see him you can feel his piercing gaze. Like the sun shining brightly in a wintry afternoon, his eyes smolder with unbearable heat and yet his expression is cold with brilliant focus. 

“A-Are you almost done? It’s really cold.” Your bare back touches the wall and you flinch, an instinctual response that makes Albedo’s brow quirk. “And this is sort of...weird.”

“How so?” 

He says that in such a dismissive manner, acting as if your current position isn’t compromising. As if this was a normal exchange between friendly strangers. You have trouble finding your voice in this situation, especially since talking seems like such a chore. You’re worried you’ll say the wrong thing and then it’ll leave a false imprint of who you are on Albedo. But you’ve always been nice, unable to refuse those who are kind in return, and so you’re forced to endure the discomfort that comes with modeling nude for this peculiar alchemist. 

“Think about it.” You distract yourself with a ramble of an explanation—certainly more than what’s necessary, but Albedo doesn’t mind. He finds solace in your voice. “You’re looking at me and I’m...n-naked. And we don’t really know each other. I’m not trying to vilify you when I say this, but I don’t want you to do anything bad to me. N-Not that you would! It’s just—this is really weird. I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“Hm.”

“And do I have to be tied up like this?” You shuffle in your bindings, fingers scrabbling over the cuffs and chains that jingle like horrible sleigh bells. 

“You were moving too much earlier. I won’t be able to get your anatomy right if you’re constantly fidgeting.”

But it’s uncomfortable, you think, chewing on your lip out of habit.

“I guess I understand. It must be an artist thing, right?”

“You could say that.”

His work on the canvas offers a display that’s just as lewd as the real model, down to the way your nipples perk and harden in the cold. He’s not even close to finishing and that’s a blessing in itself. He could stare at your figure for hours on end, committing every inch of your flesh to memory, and he wouldn’t grow weary. 

“Do artists normally blindfold their models? I don’t really know anything about this stuff, but it’s okay if it helps with the process.”

“I find it to be interesting,” he answers, simple and vague as ever. “It adds a mysterious touch to the finished piece.”

“So you draw the model with the blindfold?” You’re used to gazing upon paintings of flowers and portraits of influential historical figures rather than blatant nudity. “Artists are definitely unique.”

Albedo hums in response, secretly reveling in your naïveté. At the end of the day, you’re just a normal citizen of Mondstadt, who stands behind a wooden stall every single day and happily chats with potential customers. You excel in business, but when it comes to the inner workings of art you’re at a loss. And that makes it all the more easier for Albedo to spin all sorts of wild tales. He fears that gullible nature will harm you in the future, yet there isn’t a threat in sight. Not when you’re here in front of him, no longer confined to his peripheral. And you’ll stay there for however long it takes him to finish this painting. 

It’s a twisted infatuation. Albedo knows he shouldn’t take too much of your time or else he’ll become addicted and it will be impossible to focus on his studies. But he can’t stop himself or his wandering gaze, which trails up your midriff. Higher and higher until he’s staring at your face, eyes obscured behind the soft fabric of a blindfold. Your body is a temple he wishes to worship, and perhaps that’s a sacrilegious thought that ought to have him consider the weight of his emotions. 

And yet you’re far too irresistible. His thoughts are dangerously potent, swirling within his brain like a maddening hurricane. Surely your missing presence in the market won’t be questioned if he were to keep you just a little longer. Longer than the boundaries of sanity will allow, that is. There are other vendors who sell the same things you boast; the economy won’t shatter if you’re not there to provide.

The paintbrush moves along the canvas in even strokes and suddenly Albedo’s mind is wandering between subjects. From art to alchemy, love to lust, and the wondrous crevices in your anatomy that call out to him. The brush stills in his hand. If he’s not mistaken, Sucrose will be stopping by to assist him and the last thing he needs is staining his appearance in a suspicious color. 

“Albedo?” His name rolls off of your tongue in such a delectable way; it’s almost sinful how his thoughts race and race in an endless track. “Are you almost done? My back is sore and the floor’s really uncomfortable.”

“Sorry. This will take longer than I thought.” He sets his brush and palette down, and you listen to his footsteps as they draw near. “Something has come up, but I promise I won’t be long.” 

“Wait. You’re not going to leave me, are you? I need to get back to the marketplace!”

Before you know what’s happening, the blindfold is coming off and you’re locking eyes with Albedo, who peers at you with intense scrutiny. Certainly the look of a genius studying a textbook. You grow flustered all at once, just now coming to terms with the fact that he looked at your body for longer than you’d like to admit. Shyly, you shut your legs to obscure your private parts, but it’s not like that will help the embarrassment that claws its way onto your expression like a persistent beast. 

“You’re better off waiting here.” He shrugs off his coat, draping it over your shoulders as if that’ll keep the dreadful chill away. “As much as I would like to finish this now, I have other work that must be taken care of.”

“I get that, but you can’t just leave me here! That’s practically kidnapping!” you protest, hoping he’ll heed the desperation in your trembling vocals. “At least, that’s what this feels like.”

“I wouldn’t kidnap you,” he says, amusement flashing in his eyes. “You’re too funny.”

Yet he isn’t laughing and neither are you as you helplessly watch him depart. The floor is too cold for your liking and the idea of entrapment settles under your skin like a million maggots feasting on a decaying, chilled copse. Devoid of warmth and carrying an air of measured grace, Albedo doesn’t spare you another glance.

He doesn’t need to. He’ll have all the time in the world to study your body like it’s the finest artwork, and you’ll be powerless to object.

[cl0udpup]

I told my therapist I think I'm autistic

I told her I'd been doing a lot of self reflection and discovery lately, and think I might actually be autistic.

Since it took me 30 years to realize I have ADHD, it made sense to me that I wholly missed all the signs of autism, as I had no idea what either of those things were. Once I realized so many of my problems were caused by ADHD, and found out how intimately linked ADHD is to autism, I started looking into it. I found myself relating much more to AuDHD than ADHD on it's own.

She said a way to tell the difference between them is: - ADHD is knowing how to do something, but being unable to - Autism is not knowing how to do something, and being unable to Basically that ADHD is not having the proper executive functioning to do the things you know you need to do, and autism is lacking the innate skills, as if there is a piece missing you're supposed to know, but don't. She seemed hesitant, asking me questions about things I remember as a child (which is hard for me to remember,) but ultimately did agree with things I said, and said she "emphatically supports my path of self-discovery."

I told her that because right now I'm sober (not using regularly/constantly, only a few times a year now) for the first time since I was 12, not in any kind of toxic relationships, and the most stable I've ever been, I feel like I'm seeing myself for the first time. She squealed and said she was gonna cry and that is so huge. She said this puts me in a good place to trust myself and the experiences I connect with.

We talked about my prior diagnoses of bipolar 2 and borderline. She asked me how I felt about it first, and that she didn't want to invalidate any connection I felt to those resonating with me, but she has never in all our years working together seen or felt anything close to bpd in me.

The fact that I "cured" my bpd traits after learning about attachment disorders just isn't something she has seen happen for people who actually have bpd. That despite my struggles with emotional deregulation, I have always shown up to our sessions predictably and constant in who I am. In comparison, her experience with her bpd clients is that it can be really hard to break through the walls of trauma masking and to connect vulnerably. That there is usually a lot of struggle with sense of self in how they present in therapy.

We discussed how bp & bpd kind of felt like an acceptable explanation to me in how it was described in my psych eval. My biggest complaint at that time was extreme mood swings. I felt I was cycling in and out between periods of generally low mood, to generally chaotic moods, over the course of a few times a year, but also experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions throughout the day, up and down constantly.

Looking at this through the lens of AuDHD, I think that experience can be much better explained by impulsivity and sensory overload leading to meltdowns and shutdowns. The "bipolar" mood shifts in reality I believe were periods of hyperfocus and then burnout.

The thing that leaves me troubled is really grasping what AuDHD is. There is so much overlap between ADHD and autism, I feel my therapist is noticing how strongly my experiences align with ADHD. The problem is we don't have very much data on what the AuDHD experience truly is.

There is so much focus on what one was like as a child, and since so many of us began masking, compensating, hiding our true selves so incredibly young, it really feels impossible to recognize what's what from back then.

I think maybe I need to understand what are the autistic experiences that allistic ADHD'ers do not share. What are the things that looked at on their own could not be attributed to ADHD? This will be my next line of research.