#get in nerd we're seeing catching fire

[fangirlingpuggle]

Please tell me more about your au where the twins are billford kids please please please

Hey there haven't been able to stop thinking about AU so here more additional thoughts

Mable and Dipper not knowing about their deal power until later, like Mabel accidentally making deal with Pacifica/challenging her and suddenly her hand is on fire '...that's not good' twins frantically trying to fix everything and now they have a no deals rule.

Well after some experimentation the twins wanted to know what would happen if they tried to make deals with each other... both hands catch on fire and well... Grunkle Stan watching TV and then turning head to see his niece and nephew turned in ash ans still slightly smoldering.

Others slowly finding out about their demon forms, Candy and Grenda they love Mabel's demon form and think it's so cool... they also help her experiment with powers... it usually ends in chaos.

Wendy finding out, realizing these 2 kids have had to live copped up indoors and not do anything like go to school and have friends and is instantly like 'I am going to make sure you 2 have so much fun, you are going to have coolest summer ever!'

Pacifica also finds out, because of demon deal but pretends she doesn't. It's only later she reveals.

Mabel: YOU KNEW IT WAS ME?

Pacifica: YOU WERE STILL WEARING A GIANT SWEATER OF COURSE I KNEW IT WAS YOU!

All the life threatening events are far more less threatening it's less my life is in danger more like I need to blow I'm not human/ I can't let my powers go crazy cause otherwise things are gonna get weird and maybe worse.

Whenever Stan hears the kids voices he automatically looks up he's really used to then kids floating.

Bill finding out he's parent freaking out and the Henchmanics are torn between 'WE'RE HONORARY AUNTS/UNCLES' and... welp fuck probably not gonna be able to make while worlds a party since Bill is already asking about how to baby proof the mindscape.

When Ford comes back it's him that faints this time... everyone else has known about him for ages.

Mable and Dipper have seen journal 1 and then journal 3 after Dipper finds it (Stan is not surprised, kid is so much like Ford of course he's find where the nerd hid it... now they only need the 2nd journal) Mabel's seen the writing about don't trust him about Bill and seeing journal 2 she puts together her parents aren't.... on the best terms. She still is on the matchmaking thing cause she has an ideal dream of 2 happy parents along with her twin, grunkle stan and big brother Soos.

Fiddleford even when meeting twins for first time in human form is terrified of them. He is scared every time and he doesn't know why just instinctual fear.

[jekacatrina]

This is a small part of the fic I have drafted, and today great news made me want to share it, so here you go!

---------------

It was another training session with the new suit. Kacchan was running in front of him, clad in his hero suit, and Izuku couldn’t reach him. He was so ahead of him in so many ways, that Izuku couldn’t fathom how he was supposed to catch up.

They were back to square one: Kacchan, with his incredible quirk, and Izuku, once again quirkless. Except it was worse; Kacchan had perfected his quirk beyond anyone's wildest dreams, because that’s who he was, and Izuku knew now how incredible it was to run by his side.

Kacchan refused to go easy on him, and Izuku’s feet struck the ground as he tried to cross the distance.

His new suit was heavy, sturdy, capable of withstading damage, and Izuku was still getting used to it. He was carrying something precious, a gift made with the sacrifice of all his friends, led by the hero currently taunting him over his shoulders.

A fire burned inside him. It was maybe the ghost of all those afternoons they spent training together as Izuku perfected One For All, or maybe his need to prove that Kacchan hadn’t wasted his effort, but whatever it was, it pushed him forward, and Izuku powered his gloves, suddenly jumping over Kacchan and leaving him behind.

"LET'S FUCKING GO, NERD!"

The explosion that followed was deafening in the quiet of dawn, but Izuku didn’t flinch. It was a sound that brought wonder to him. It was protection and admiration.

It was Kacchan.

Izuku was aware that with his cluster of explosions, Kacchan was almost as fast as All Might in his prime, but he was choosing to use less potent blasts only to reach Izuku. He wasn’t trying to surpase, only stay by his side.

Izuku turned to look at him, and met the wild smile he saw on TV during every fight, except he hadn’t been this close to it in years. Even after all this years, Kacchan was still his image of victory.

Izuku got so lost in the moment he didn’t realize he missed a step, and he went down. Before he sprawled on the concrete, Kacchan reacted. He grabbed Izuku and twisted them so he took the brunt of the fall.

They stayed down for a few seconds, the wind knocked out of them.

Izuku rose to his hands and knees, staring down at his friend. "Kacchan, are you okay?!"

Kacchan was shaking his head, but he was laughing so hard Izuku could feel his whole body shake under him.

"Fuck, Deku! You jumped over me, you crazy bastard!" Kacchan shouted, clutching his shoulders. "Did you see that?! Did you see us?! Fucking Hell! We're going to be so fucking back, you shitty nerd!" Kacchan roared, his laugh overcoming his words.

With the adrenaline still coursing through his veins, Izuku flopped down, hiding his crying on his friend's chest. He was smiling so hard his cheeks hurt. And then Kacchan shocked him by wrapping his arms around him.

They had never hugged. Both of them had carried the other, wounded or unconscious, but they had never hugged. Not with intent, and Kacchan wasn’t pretending this was anything but a real hug. He was still laughing, patting the back of his suit.

His heart skipped many beats, and Izuku almost said something. He almost asked all the questions that plagued him. He almost thanked him. He almost leaned back just to drink his expression.

But Kacchan didn’t give him a chance. He pushed Izuku off of him with a manic grin.

"Let's go again, Deku!"

Izuku had never been able to deny him anything.

"Let's go again, Kacchan."

[drcomttheo]

SLYTHERIN BOYS x YN

summary: You all play never have I ever warnings: Angst words: 1286 a/n: Excerpt from my fic "Amidst the Chaos" Slytherin Boy oneshots—ML Slytherin Boy oneshots—AO3

𝘕𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘏𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘐 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘳

There was a party to celebrate Slytherin's win in quidditch against Gryffindor. Everyone gathered in the common room, all ready to drink the night away, probably playing some drinking game.

As you moved your way over to a worn green couch, Theo's lips curled into a smile, a fleeting moment of warmth before he deftly shifted the conversation to a different topic.

"Hey, well, we're about to start a game. Would you like to join us?" Theo inquired, his voice warm and inviting.

You paused, your thoughts swirling as you cast a fleeting glance at Draco to see if he was going to join; his gaze didn't meet yours; instead, it was fixed on the wall behind you.

"Yeah, sure, what kind of game?" You said, propping yourself up with your drink cradled in your hand as you gracefully approached the cluster of students huddled to get you on the ground, forming a small circle.

"Well, we don't really know, but I was thinking, What if we played 'Never have I ever'?" Theo proposed the idea, to which a chorus of enthusiastic nods responded.

The game was the perfect game to get drama started and get everyone to spill juicy secrets.

"Oh, the hottest boy/girl in school, I'm sure you did some bits," Marcus Flint remarked, his voice dripping with self-importance.

You gave him a sharp look, your eyes narrowing with a mix of irritation and challenge at his suggestive comment. "Meaning?" You inquired, your lips curling around the rim of your glass as you savored a sip of your drink.

The atmosphere thickened, and each gaze locked in expectation.

"I mean, you could certainly get anyone you want; you must have a tale to tell," Marcus stated, his gaze drifting toward Draco, who now lingered just behind you, as he maintained a cautious distance.

You rolled your eyes and shrugged nonchalantly as you downed the last of your drink, the cup crumpling in your grip before you effortlessly tossed it into the bin, a small act of annoyance.

"Well, come on, let's get this game going then," you stated, settling into a cozy position as Blaise started to outline the rules.

"So, here's the deal," Blaise began, a mischievous glint in his eye as he set two bottles of fire whiskey down in the center of the circle. "You say something that you have never done before, and if anyone else has done the same, they must take a shot, okay? So, who wants to start?" Blaise inquired, his gaze sweeping over the gathered crowd.

With a spark of excitement in his eyes, Theo embraced the chance to launch the game into motion.

"I've done a lot of things," he mused, his voice trailing off as he paused to gather the swirling thoughts in his mind. "But I suppose never have I ever... actually made an 'A' on an assignment," Theo remarked, his voice laced with a hint of playful defiance as he scanned the room, catching the wide-eyed disbelief and barely contained laughter dancing across the faces of his friends.

"That was so dumb, mate," Blaise remarked with a lighthearted chuckle, shaking his head at the sheer absurdity of the situation.

Yet, among the laughter, a collective sip resonated through the air, leaving two drinks untouched: those of You and Draco, standing apart from the revelry around them.

"Nerds," a random Slytherin sneered, their voice dripping with disdain, as laughter erupted from a few corners of the room, echoing like a chorus of mockery.

Just as the awkward tension began to thicken, Blaise stepped in, breaking the moment with his usual charm. "Alright, everyone, take note of that as a prime example of what not to do," Blaise chuckled, playfully delivering a light punch to Theo's shoulder.

"That was utterly disappointing, my friend, so I'll go. Never have I ever fucked more than three times in a single day."

A profound silence enveloped the chamber, an electric tension crackling in the air, as if the very walls held their breath in anticipation.

Every gaze darted around the room, eagerly seeking the faintest sign of someone bold enough to lift a glass to their lips.

With a shared glance that spoke volumes, you and Draco raise your glasses, the delicate clink echoing in the air, surprise coursing through both of you.

Pansy's Glass remained unwaveringly by her side, which was odd considering you figured it would have been Draco and Pansy. You began to get jealous as you thought about all the other options he could have chosen.

You could see a visible shift in Draco's demeanor; you could tell he was annoyed.

You scoffed in disbelief etched across your features as you shook your head, caught between Pansy and Draco.

"So it's a no for Pansy, but a yes for Draco? The math doesn't add up. Oh, and Y/N, are you two??" Blaise leaned closer towards him, his gaze intense, as his curiosity gnawed at him, urging Draco to uncover the truth.

Draco released a haughty exhale, his demeanor dripping with disdain. "I'd never," he spat and paused, silencing his own words as he lifted the glass for another shot. "Y/L/N and I have never, if that's what you were implying, Blaise." Draco glanced sideways at you and you looked away, trying to hide your emotions. it was as if he thought sleeping with you was the worst possible thing; you tried not to show any flicker of emotion that might betray your thoughts.

Just then Astoria came over and let out a frustrated sigh, her eyes rolling dramatically as she settled down into his lap. It was me, she said with a playful glint in her eye and playfully tousled Draco's locks.

Draco responded with a warm smile, leaning in to place a gentle kiss on her cheek before scanning his eyes at you.

No one could ever quite unravel the tangled web that existed between them; it was a mystery that left everyone guessing, but the warmth of the alcohol coursing through Allies' veins allowed you to feel a sudden surge of courage, emboldening you to confront the uncharted territory of their relationship as you asked the next question.

"So, Tori, are you two?" You inquired, your fingers dancing gracefully between the two, a silent conversation unfolding in the air around them.

Draco and Pansy shared a glance, their lips curving into soft smiles that danced between them like a secret only they understood. "Sure," she answered with a playful smile.

A collective gasp echoed through the room, a silent acknowledgment of the undeniable truth that hung in the air and you and Draco both winced unnoticed.

You felt the weight of the moment, your curiosity igniting as you prepared to pose your next question, eager to deepen the charged atmosphere between everyone. "Never have I wanted to date anyone besides the person you are with now, in this room," you asked with a playful shine in your eye.

You held your breath, praying that your façade remained unbroken and that no one would see through the carefully crafted illusion you created around yourself.

Theo chuckled softly, his head bowing slightly as he reveled in the amusement you brought him.

Pansy, Theo, Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, and nearly everyone else in the room raised their glasses, taking a sip, all except for Draco, who remained still, causing you to feel a subtle pang of hurt wash over you as your gaze fell upon the untouched glass resting by his side.

You felt hurt and jealous.

"No, the answer you wanted was Y/L/N." Astoria said as she scooted closer to Draco and began to kiss him.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

its been itching my brain for a while so if you could please give me something to chew on—do you have any headcanon's for A, like what he (she?) might've behaved like or looked like? I'm really just asking for a nice sandwich and I love the ones you've made (Alphard) and would appreciate another

That time @therealvinelle and I made a character out of fucking nothing.

I assume you mean A from the Death Note universe? Sorry, I've got nothing for you.

The thing about what @therealvinelle and I did with Alphard, and why it worked, was the single solitary detail we did get, along with a few others, paints an incredibly detailed picture to work with.

I only have about five things on hand, but good god, do I get to see that man's entire fucking life.

We just don't have the same for A.

What We Know About A

A is introduced in Death Note: LABB, for those super Death Note nerds who read the novel like I did. There's no mention of either A or B in the manga or in the anime.

A and B were the first gen successors to L, before Mello and Near, and the premise of the novel is that "wow, that successor program was a really shitty idea even before it was a shitty idea!" in that of the two a) A couldn't handle the pressure and killed themselves b) B couldn't handle the pressure and turned himself into a physical clone of L, then sought to make a case so complicated L couldn't solve it, culminating with lighting himself on fire. The great irony being L had so little interest in dealing with it himself, he makes Naomi Misora do all the work/all the talking to 'Ryuzaki' without supplying any pertinent information or saying anything more than "uh huh, wow, such detective, such good, Misora" and only at the end admitting, "yeah, that wasn't me, that was my rampaging successor, but good job catching him."

A is years dead before the novel begins, and gets a one-off mention by our totally unbiased narrator Mello, totally, as being B's rival for the position of successor who at some point before it could be decided killed himself.

But let's try to bullet point it.

A Was Chosen: Nationality

First, we know A is at Wammy's.

We don't know exactly how Watari/Roger recruits for Wammy's, how you are selected to enter the 'successor' program, or even the scope of just where they draw successors from.

(I don't have vol 13 on hand at the moment, but I believe it only went into the ethnicity breakdown for L, not even nationality, and it's...

When asked about L's ethnicity, creator of the series Tsugumi Ohba responded, "I think of him as a quarter Japanese, a quarter English, a quarter Russian, a quarter French or Italian, like that." Ohba said that L is the most intelligent character in the entire Death Note series because "the plot requires it." He added that he personally views L as "slightly evil." - from the wiki

Rock on Ohba, rock on with your.... "quarter Russian, Japanese, French/Italian, English".

I also love "slightly evil" from a man who has multiple "torture X character" arcs.)

Given we only see four characters who went through some variation of this program in the manga/anime (L, Near, Mello, and if we even count him Matt), it's really hard to judge. We know Beyond Birthday, by the time he meets Naomi, looks similar enough to L that the entire premise of the book is "oh wow, that's totally L and Naomi doesn't know, oh wow he's doing all the things you--TOTAL SHOCK IT WASN'T L AT ALL"

But if we have to choose, and we have to do this in a way that fucking makes sense given how borders work and that "no, Roger, you can't just take random orphans from any country you like and stick them in your Batman orphanage" then A is either from Britain, maybe Ireland, or if we're really stretching things maybe Western Europe.

Other places are possible, and they could bullshit their way in getting A to England, but there's also the fact that A is chosen for this program. It's unclear just how much searching Wammy's does for talented orphans who will fit the role of L (having the level of intelligence Watari and co. are looking for, the drive and desire, and being the world's most super genius to recreate the success of L).

Now, the manga/anime implies that they had very high standards. L is the greatest detective in the world, Near as his number one successor to is eventually able to defeat Light and is an extreme deductive genius.

If you want to play that game, you can't just use the orphans that happened to be in your orphanage to start with. You have to look for them and either a) wander around orphanages/newly orphaned children and test them for their suitability b) pick up orphans that they've heard of who have nationally/internationally been so impressive they meet the criteria.

Now the thing about b is that doesn't happen often (and probably not at the impressionable ages that Wammy's needs to both a) give the orphan the training b) convince a near adult "YOU SHOULD TOTALLY BECOME BATMAN WOULDN'T THAT BE SUPER COOL?!")

...

To sum this up, A is probably from Britain, maybe Ireland.

A Was Chosen: Age

Alright, A was selected, as gone in above from what we see of Mello, Near, and Matt, they got roped into this when they were very young. They're very young appearing AFTER the six-year time skip when they've been doing this long enough that a) this is their major goal in life and the only thing they can think of b) they have an intense and bitter rivalry c) Matt has already been weeded out. L, too, we have a brief image of him as a six-year-old or so (possibly metaphorical), implying he and Watari have been doing this for... a while, and that L was set on this path very early in life.

Both A and B were very likely young children when they started this program in earnest. Personally, if I had to write a fic... I'd say ten at most.

Now, this doesn't tell us much about when A dies, but we know that B is an adult man by LABB, Naomi never remarks upon him looking like a teenager. We also know he's able to impersonate L, and more (and this is important), the L we see in canon.

The entire L gimmick of the book is that we, the readers, are given the impression this is L (except for the weird eyes, that's weird). It's important that this isn't necessarily L at the time, but what we the readers would recognize him as years later during the Kira case. We, in canon, see L in his mid 20's. This means that B in the novel was at least passing as in his mid 20's. Could be he's younger, could be he's older, but what it does mean that A, if at a similar age only either reached a) very young adulthood b) teens.

Personally, given the pressure, the suicide, and the fact that the rivalry had been bitterly ongoing at that point, I'd say A was likely a mid/late teenager when they killed themselves.

A Was Chosen: Intelligence

A must have been good enough at whatever tests Wammy's did to gauge whether they had an initial aptitude for becoming an L candidate.

Now, we've seen the types of things Near is good at and that are heavily implied put him above Mello. Near is very good at intelligence tests, puzzles, and so on.

It's not unlikely that A was tested with very similar things and that A must have reached some threshold to be considered a promising candidate in the first place.

A Was Chosen: AMAB

Now, this one's more headcanon, but I go into this here. I think, either through overt or unintended bias, Watari/Roger would gravitate towards selecting AMAB individuals as opposed to AFAB.

I don't think A would be an exception.

Also, Viz translated the gender into English as "he", so take that as you will.

The Eternal Prince/Eternal Rivalry

Now, the trouble with A and B, being so early in, is that L was a very young man at the time and either not much older than they were or even younger.

L had already by this point reached international acclaim as the detective L, continued to gather for himself detective personas surrendered by rivals, and was showing no signs of stopping or slowing down.

So, how exactly are A and B supposed to become L? Either they somehow prove they're better than him, when he has the benefit of a) experience in the field b) connections with law enforcement and a working relationship with Watari c) all the resources in the world or L miraculously dies.

Not to mention we know, canonically, that L is vicious and would tolerate no competition for his title.

Mello notes this himself (though is a... biased... narrator) that the first gen were throwaways, they were the trial training run for the REAL successors, Mello and Near.

Regardless of what Mello thinks, the fact remains that A and B were both aware that to be L themselves, L had to go, which showed no signs of happening.

Not to mention they're still infighting with each other, quite viciously, so that they can at least be next in line.

Not only is this a tremendous amount of pressure, but it's utterly pointless pressure.

B was the type of person to react to this with a "FUCK YOU DAD", in that he tried to make a case L couldn't solve to finally prove he was superior to all of them.

A, for this or perhaps other reasons, killed themselves. We don't know if this was the sole reason, but it would certainly be a large factor.

TL;DR

A was likely born or at least orphaned in Britain, A was young when chosen and young when they died, A was likely good at logic puzzles/intelligence exams at a young age, A was highly likely to be AMAB, and was in a doomed competition where their entire self-worth/point of their existence hinged on a pointless struggle that neither they nor B could ever conceivably live.

But considering, that's really not much/what you were asking for.

[alpineshift]

sorry i was scrolling back thru ur asks and saw u mention a jacknico college campus crush au…. do u have any further thoughts on how they would meet if jack went to uni 👀

ohhh campus crush jacknico!!

I can offer up some options!!

"In every universe we'll find each other doing the exact same thing" - they meet on a hockey team lmfao

Because it's so so convenient. Jack was always destined to go into hockey and in this verse he decides to follow in Quinn's footsteps and happily goes to college with his older brother. I'm not super duper familiar with the Swiss education system but I'm envisioning Nico transferring over and even though he's older he starts school in the same year as Jack. They're rookies on the hockey team together and the become the bonded rookie pair and it's all eyes on them because that's Quinn Hughes' younger brother and that's Nico Hischier the hot European student but meanwhile jacknico are crushing on each other. Thinking the other is the campus crush who definitely won't like them back bc they're too cool. Featuring copious amounts of time spent working out and admiring each other, house parties where they get close but not too close, trying to balance hockey life and school life and being in loveeeee--argh!

"Classic jock and nerd set up bc even though we're not in high school anymore we are still very capable of failing classes" - one of them tutors the other

In honour of my love for Jack's big brain and his 20+ book count a year he's the highest-ranked student in his program in this verse. Maybe in business or statistics or management or something. He seems like a logical kinda guy to me. And Nico, who's not a bad student at all, just happens to need tutoring because he really, really doesn't get this one particular class. They get matched up completely by chance and it's not quite crush at first sight, because Jack is kinda wary of the jock-type and Nico is a bit intimidated by how aloof Jack is, but the warm up to each other pretty quick and soon they're getting along like a house on fire. Because the best part is, Jack is also an incredibly good athlete--he's just too busy stockpiling extra credit courses to join any sports teams. And Nico is smart--he just needs a better study technique. Plenty of late night study seshs in the library and walking each other back to their dorms while sneaking looks at each other while the other is distracted in this verse.

"Missed connections, except we're both treating the campus forum like our personal text messages and the admins are about to ban us both so let's figure out a way to meet" - falling in love over the absurdity of campus life

Jack and Nico have never lived a normal day in this verse, because that's exactly how they catch each other's attention on campus. Nico's sitting in an upstairs study room when he sees his really handsome guy sprinting across the quad being chased by a furious horde of geese and kind of gets heart eyes with the way his hair shines in the sun as he's running for his life. Jack's waiting for the bus on a particularly windy day and sees a TA run straight into the campus pond bc the elastic around his assignments broke and everything scattered into the water and he has to physically close his jaw when the man merges from the pond with a white t-shirt clinging to his chest and abs. And the flood gates open from there. Hey - you were the guy with the beautiful blue eyes that walked out of the campus cafe and immediately got your croissant snatched out of your hands by a seagull. If you want to hang out, I'll definitely buy you another one. Okay - you were the handsome guy doing your best to put a raincoat over your suit and avoided the puddles in your dress shoes during that storm (presentation or something, bud?) only for a delivery truck to drive by and splash you from head to toe. If we meet, I'll hold the umbrella up for you. Each post gets thousands of likes and the admin is begging them to just find a the least dangerous starbucks in town to meet in at this point.

[autistic-fandom-trash]

jongerry incorrect quotes

*Jon and Gerry skipping stones on a lake* Jon: It’s such a beautiful evening. Gerry, whispering: Take that you fucking lake. --- Jon: Where are you going? Gerry: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there. --- Gerry: Man, I only ever see you awake, do you ever shut down or stop running? Jon: Oh, I’m always running. The question is from what. --- Gerry: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives. Jon: I wake up at 4:30 AM. Gerry:...I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives. --- Jon: Gerry and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's- Gerry: Sentences. Jon: Don't interrupt me. --- Gerry: You love me, right, Jon? Jon: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it. --- Jon: Heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this. Gerry: What did you do, Jon? Jon: A MISTAKE. --- Jon: *Kicks the door down looking panicked* Gerry: What did you do? Jon: Nobody died. Gerry: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?! --- Jon: WHAT’S YOUR TYPE? Gerry: Anything, honestly, but nerds especially. Jon, desperately, as Gerry bleeds out: YOUR BLOOD TYPE! Gerry: Oh! B positive. Jon: DONT TRY TO CHEER ME UP JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE! --- Gerry: Here's some advice. Jon: I didn't ask for any. Gerry: Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me. --- Gerry: You fuckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon. Jon, not looking up from their book: Spear. Gerry: BLOCKED. --- Jon, about Elias: I prevented a murder today. Gerry: Really? How’d you do that? Jon: Self control. --- Gerry, tending to Jon's wounds: How would you rate your pain? Jon: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend. --- Gerry: Jon, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power! Jon: Well of course I have. Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring. --- Gerry: How petty can you get? Jon: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about. --- Gerry: Whaddya call a fish with no eyes? Jon, not looking up: Myxine Circifrons. Gerry:...fsh. --- Gerry, in a beach shirt: So sue me, it's October and I'd like to be on Island Time for a day! Jon: I have Spotify open right now on my computer, do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast? Cuz I've got your history right here on the sidebar: Take it Back by Jimmy Buffet, Nautical Wheelers by Jimmy Buffet, Jolly Mon Sing by Jimmy Buffet, Steamer by Jimmy Buffet, trEAT HER LIKE A LADY BY JIMMY BUFFET, MAÑANA BY JIMMY BUFFET, WHEN SALOME PLAYS THE DRUMS BY JAMES BUFFET, HAVANA DAYDREAMIN BY JIMMY BUFFET- What the FUCK happened to you?! Gerry, laughing: I HAD A CASE OF THE MONDAYS! Jon: ARE YOU HAUNTED?! ARE YOU FUCKING POSSESSED?! YOU USED TO BE MY FRIEND! Gerry, cry-laughing: ᴵ ᴴᴬᴰ ᴬ ᶜᴬˢᴱ ᴼᶠ ᵀᴴᴱ ᴹᴼᴺᴰᴬʸˢ --- Jon: This is a mistake. Gerry, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day! Jon: But not today. Gerry, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess. --- Gerry: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back. Jon: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself. --- Jon: You often use humor to deflect trauma. Gerry: Thank you. Jon: I didn't say that was a good thing. Gerry: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny. --- Jon: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait. Gerry: You and me. Jon, tearing up: Okay. --- Gerry: So what’s for dinner? Jon, staring at the food they just burnt: Regret.

[justsomerandomfanfic]

Matchup - 2/13/25

Original Matchup Request;

OHHH MY GOD GIRL I JUST GOT INTRODUCED TO YOUR ACC AND LEMME SAY: GORGEOUS WTF😞 okay BUTTT i just saw your MASHUP THINGY SO CAN I ASK FOR A DC ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP ⁉️⁉️⁉️

i have dark brown (normally blown out) hair that passes my collarbones so its medium length yk?? my eyes are dark brown too !! im 5’6 and a white hispanic (but im on more of the paler side) for my clothes i normally have some sort of acubi/downtown/coquette style?? like a mix of those!! tight shirts w baggy jeans ALWAYS. you’ll NEVER catch me wearing baggy shirts atp bro. for my body im kinda curvy?? i have thick thighs but a good waist yk?? so idk :(( i was also in cheer if that helps !!

i almost ALWAYS wear some light makeup !! like kinda dolly almost?? just makeup that helps my features 🤷‍♀️ i LOVE dressing up and putting on makeup too KEYGEE i have also adhd too so i could talk about everything and anything !!! until i get tired and go nonverbal whoops :( i tend to interrupt people a lot which might make me seem like a bitch but i try not to lmao😭 im also an ambivert??? meaning that some days i could be quiet, while others i could be REALLY loud. like yapper loud. i tend to be very loud with friends too lmao 😭😭but i dont like loud noises myself which is weird?? but im a total optimist !!

i totally CRAVE almost loud/chaotic environments tho!! like i canNOT handle silence and i wanna move to a big city like nyc!! my friends a loud and chaotic so thats why im loud too ig?? but sometimes i get too overwhelmed so i slso need a quiet one sometimes yk

im literally a TOTAL book nerd. like the fantasy, enemies to lovers, they’d both kill for each other kind of books, even tho i barely read anymore :(( im also a realistic hopeless romantic. i tend to destroy my delusions sadly😞 BUTTT INTO THE CONS i was born in a harsh environment where my parents argued a lot so if i get yelled at i would cry IMMEDIATELY. i would also get really pissed off :(( #certifiedcrier im also not that good at communication?? but yk

i also really love cats. like i LOVE LOVE cats. and i love attention. im an attention seeker too (but not the I WANNA DIE ones yk) also a certified pillow princess!

I hope you like your matchup!

<33333333

Enjoy!

Romantic Matchup; DC

~~~

Romantic;

~~~

DC;

Wally West -

You met Wally when you first joined the Justice League, completely new to the team but already making waves with your skills.

Wally was instantly drawn to your energy - your loud, chaotic nature matched his own, and he couldn't help but find it refreshing.

He started talking to you immediately, cracking jokes and throwing in a flirt here and there, just to see how you would react.

You rolled your eyes at him, but he swore he saw the tiniest smirk.

The first mission together was a mess.

But in a good way.

Your ADHD-fueled thinking helped you adapt fast, and Waly admired how quick you were on your feet.

He ended up saving you once, and you saved him twice - he never let that go.

"I mean, if we're keeping score, you totally owe me a life debt now."

"I save you twice, Wally."

"Yeah, but my save had some ~flair~."

Wally quickly became your partner-in-crime.

Whether it was training, hanging out in the Watchtower, or running missions together, you two were inseparable.

Your conversations were rabid-fire, bouncing between topics in the blink of an eye.

If anyone else tried to follow along, they'd get lost in five minutes.

He loved that you talked a mile a minute.

It was one of his favorite things about you.

If you ever apologized for interrupting, he'd wave it off, grinning.

"Nah, keep going. I like hearing you talk."

You'd both crash at each other's places in the Watchtower after a long mission, eating snacks and watching movies.

He had a habit of stealing your food at superspeed, and you'd retaliate by smacking him with a pillow.

He could've moved out of the way, but-

Wally was one of the few people who noticed when you got overwhelmed.

He had his own experience with an overactive mind, so he always knew when you needed a break.

He'd take you somewhere quieter, somewhere safe.

"Hey, it's okay. Just breathe, alright? You don't have to be loud for me to hear you."

He adored how passionate you were, whether it was about books, makeup, or your dream of moving to the big city.

He'd listen to you ramble for hours, eyes full of warmth.

Wally was down bad before he even realized it.

His heart raced - more than it already did - around you, which was saying something, considering his super speed.

He started noticing the little things - how you fixed your makeup absentmindedly, the way your eyes lit up when you talked about fantasy books, how you always smelled like something sweet.

The moment he knew was during a mission gone wrong.

You were cornered, and injured, and when he saw you in danger, he sped over to you instantly.

It wasn't just instinct - it was you.

He couldn't lose you.

He cracked a joke afterward, but his hands shook when he touched you, his usual bravado slipping.

That's when he realized; he was completely in love with you.

Wally tried so hard to play it cool, but he couldn't keep it in.

He started flirting more, getting bolder with his compliments, testing the waters.

"You know, if we were in one of those fantasy books you love, this would be the part where we dramatically realize our feelings."

"Uh-huh. And?"

"And I'm already there. I like you, like, a lot."

He had this nervous little smile, as if afraid you'd reject him.

But when you grinned and tackled him into a hug, he knew he had you.

Or rather, you had him.

Dating Wally meant constant affection.

He's always touching you somehow - leaning against you, throwing an arm around your shoulders, twirling a strand of your hair between his fingers.

He loves spoiling you.

If you so much as mention wanting something, he's zipping off to get it before you could blink.

"Oh, you liked that book? Bam, got it in every edition."

"You were craving that one dessert from that one place? Done. It's in the fridge."

"You wish you had a cat? Bet. I already adopted three for you."

He's incredibly protective.

If someone raises their voice at you, he's immediately in their face, uncharacteristically serious.

"You don't talk to her like that."

Wally is the ultimate hype man.

If you're doing your makeup?

"Damn, babe, you look stunning."

Trying on a new outfit?

"Model status, 10/10."

Lazy days consist of you laying on his chest while he reads your favorite books to you, doing all the voices dramatically just to make you laugh.

He'd do literally anything to make you happy - because nothing made him happier than you.

He loves it when you do his makeup.

He'll sit perfectly still as you apply eyeliner, letting you experiment with different styles.

"Do I look pretty yet?"

You two blast music and dance like idiots, jumping on the couch, twirling each other around, laughing until your stomach hurts.

Why walk when Wally can zip you across the room in a second?

He picks you up randomly because he loves holding you close to him.

He loves lying in bed, talking about everything - life, love, the future.

He wants to hear every thought in your head, no matter how small.

Forehead kisses.

His absolute favorite thing.

Whenever he sees you lost in thought, he'll press a quick kiss to your forehead.

He would literally move the world for you if he could.

He'd do anything for you.

Frightening? Meh.

He always makes sure you feel heard - never rushes you, even if your thoughts jump from topic to topic.

If you get overwhelmed, he'll drop everything to help you, no questions asked.

He tries to learn about makeup just so he can understand what you're talking about when you get excited about a new product.

And also he would like to do your makeup someday too.

He keeps a list of things that make you happy, so he can surprise you when you're feeling down.

Cats.

Physical affection.

Clothing.

Makeup.

Etc.

You keep him grounded.

As fast as he is, you remind him to slow down and appreciate the moment.

You make sure he actually takes care of himself - this man forgets to eat sometimes, and you're not having it.

You listen to all of his dumb jokes, even the bad ones.

And you laugh, because honestly?

You love his stupid humor.

You think he's actually funny.

Unlike some.

You give him all of the attention he craves.

He's a speedster with a short attention span, and you always keep things exciting.

You are his safe place.

No matter how fast the world moves, he knows he can always come back to you.

Wally freaking West is a whirlwind of love and energy, but somehow, you match him step for step.

He adores everything about you - from your chaotic nature to the quiet moments when you just exist together.

Loving you isn't just something he does - it's who he is.

He's just a really loving guy.

:)

[crescenthistory]

Hi! Can I request an “interpret” please?

I’m an attorney who got called “legally brunette” in law school (have been compared to Elle Woods but also to Belle from Beauty and the Beast and Hermione) in DC, where I lived for about seven and a half years post-undergrad before I moved to New York just under a year ago. I went to the University of Michigan and definitely did the “work hard play hard” part right - double major with a foreign language but also was on my sorority exec board and was at every football tailgate - and I’m a big fan of the school’s football and basketball teams as well as Ferrari and the rest of Formula 1.

I always say my favorite song is Earth Wind and Fire’s September, but I’m a lifelong dancer and theatre fan plus my parents are big music nerds, so it’s really hard to nail that down. My modern favorites are Harry Styles (yes, I was a big 1D girl, you can scroll back to 2011 on this blog lol), Olivia Rodrigo, Taylor Swift, and Kacey Musgraves, but we say the big five with Mom and Dad were EWF, Steely Dan, the Stones, Carole King, and Crosby Stills and Nash.

Hopefully that’s not too much info and thank you so much for doing this! Congratulations!

hi there! of course you can<33

✶・•・✦・•・✶・✶・•・✦・•・✶

i will INTERPRET for dancininseptember

carina's 2k celebration

✶・•・✦・•・✶・✶・•・✦・•・✶

honestly i cannot see you with anyone but james potter, you truly match his energy so well!

one thing about james is that he loves strong and independent people, and you seem like exactly that. you know what you want to do, you know what to do to get it and how to have fun along the way – that is the exact kind of thing that would catch his attention right away. he is a shared interests and acts of service kind of guy, so for you to attend his rugby matches and for him to help you get through exam weeks with loving back massages, meal prepping and the likes would fit perfectly. i also personally hc that james would be a broadway fanatic, we're talking knows every word to every song type of guy, so that would be another area for you to bond over. your close relationships to your parents would definitely warm james' heart, as he is someone who is big on family, whether that be biological or chosen. james would love to go through life as your hypeman, singing and dancing across the kitchen in the morning as he makes you breakfast to make sure your head is screwed on right for the big day – which is just every day because any day is a big day for james.

[moonillfated]

🌆 ᒪEITᗰOTIᖴ ✶⋆.˚

🫗 ᴮˡᵒʷ ᵃ ᵏⁱˢˢ ᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵉᵗʰᵃⁿᵉ ˢᵏⁱᵉˢ ' ˢᵉᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ʳᵘˢᵗ ᵗʰʳᵒᵘᵍʰ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵖˡᵃʸᵍʳᵒᵘⁿᵈ ᵉʸᵉˢ ' ᴸᵉᵃᵛᵉ ᵃ ᵈʳᵉᵃᵐ ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠᵃˡˡᵒᵘᵗ ˡⁱᵉˢ ' ᵂᵃᵗᶜʰ ⁱᵗ ᵍʳᵒʷ ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵗᵉᵃʳ ˢᵗᵃⁱⁿ ᵈʳⁱᵉˢ

merry X-mas to @raggedy-dxctor * aka, the nerd that i have self proclaimed they are [not that i'm wrong in the slightest]

"I don't like this song."

"Tough fuckin' luck, get your fingers off of the plug." Moon gritted out loud, slapping Corin's fingers playfully until the older winced. Their hazel eyes squinted, before turning towards the deserted scenery of Nevada that was passing by in a hue of maize yellow.

"Why are we here, surrounded by sand," Corin complained, tearing open a popsicle and immediately licking up the melting juice that was starting to coat his fingers, "on Christmas Eve?"

Moon rolled his eyes, leaning back in his seat of the Trans AM. "Because the North Pole roadtrips were all booked."

"Way of the Christmas spirit." His best friend groaned, scoffing around the orange ice in his mouth. A beat of nothing but the old rock music and Route 66 winds followed, particles of sun baked sand clicked softly against the dashboard and freckled it dusty.

The road underneath them was blistering, mirages jaywalking miles ahead in simmering waves that pursued the cement cerbs filled with succulents and towering cacti. Moon perched up his aviators so they rested higher on the bridge of his pierced nose.

"Gimme one o'those." He murmured, holding out his hand expectantly infront of Corin's face. "Drop the mango one." He quickly added, already seeing the disgusting packaging label.

"I only bought mango." They whined, rummaging through the cooler between their tanned legs. "We have some cans of Tepache though?" Moon cursed under his breath, snatching the drink and opening it while simultaneously steering the wheele.

"I hate this shit," he grimaced after taking a sip, licking his lips. "Fuckin' sticky, like syrup."

"We could have had some nice hot chocolate and mulled wine." Corin shrugged, pointing a finger at the man driving them further into the hot slopes of Fire State. "But someone is a solstice rat."

"We're both born in the middle of the fuckin' summer, idiot." Moon recorded, taking another unwilling gulp of his sugary juice.

"It's December! We are not meant to be driving through a literal furnace." Corin threw their head back against the ripped leather seat, biting absentmindedly on the wooden stick of his icy pole. "Much less in this dump of yours. How old is this car anyways?"

"Don't talk shit about her. She is one of a fuckin' kind."

"Fuck off you gave her pronouns, liberal." Corin laughed, kicking up his bare feet on the board and watching the passing traffic of tumbleweeds and jack rabbits.

"Colonizer." Moon spat back, purposefully sverving his black Potaniac off to the wrong lane to make them jostle. He smirked when he felt a soft shove against his upper arm that was safely gripping the chain wheele.

He snorted, finishing his drink before throwing it back into the open suitcase that sat full with unorganized clothes. The sun was setting slowly behind the horizon of the valley, Moon joined the glowing marigold hues by lighting a cigarette.

"I guess the scenery is okay." Corin shuffled in his seat, his caramel eyes catching the rays of sun reflecting off of the valley crevices in the distance. "But it's not snow, there's no fairylights, no wassail-"

"Jesus fuckin' Christ, will ya' stop naggin'? It's not like we aren't goin' to New York tomorrow, is it?" They've been planning this trip for months since last year, going through Nevada is just a shortcut to get them out of the festive crowds that are storming the popular roads near the airports.

"Still. We're wasting a whole day in this melting pot." Corin admitted, adjusting the beaded pillow underneath his shorts. The polished wood rattles and digs into his warm skin. "She's decorated like a lorry. Might aswell add curtains."

"Oh now who's using her pronouns." Moon ignores their initial jab, taking a long drag of his cigarette and blowing it out of the window, it wafts into grey curls and up towards the dry air.

"You're so annoying, dear god." It doesn't stop them from smiling, cheeks flushed with a thin sheen of sweat. "At least let me put on some carols?" They are already reaching for the radio buttons with a questioning, hopeful gaze.

The silence from Moon is all the confirmation they need. Giddy, Corin inserts the holiday classics CD and leans back again.

"You're lucky I ain't makin' you hitchhike." He rolls his eyes, but doesn't actually make a move to turn off the music.

"Who would keep you company then?" Corin lolls their head to the side and gives him an unconvincing look, their lips mouthing along to the lyrics with a gentle hum.

"You're right," Moon huffed, shaking his head. "Santa would miss his elf too much."

"Stop this car, right now." They complained, dramatically pretending to unclip their seatbelt and fighting with the door handle in futile attempts. "I'll walk the rest of the way."

"You sure those tiny legs will carry you that long?"

"Stop! Oh my god, what is wrong with you?" Corin gasped, staring daggers at him. The sunlight filtered in around the male's black hair like a monarch wing, fluttering in cracked specks along the skin of their cheekbones.

Well, in the end, now looking at the glow of the dissapearing light and how a cricket ended up stuck in the air conditioning somewhere, maybe a warm Christmas spent in the beat up vehicle of his best friend wasn't so bad afterall.

"I hope you know we ain't listenin' to that shit the whole ride. It makes my ears bleed." Moon quipped in after the third song.

"Don't pretend you don't love Frank Sinatra."

"I won't if you keep turnin' up the volume after each one."

They passed a weathered sign that read “Next Services 50 Miles,” its peeling paint barely visible in the dim light. The car’s headlights piercing the gathering twilight, illuminating the occasional saguaro cactus and the glint of far-off rocks.

Corin shifted again, poking their head out of the window with a gentle curl of their lips.

“Look at that sky,” they said, voice quiet, reverent. Above them, a forming gradient of lavender to deep indigo streaked with the first glimmers of stars.

“Yeah,” Moon replied, his voice rough from the past minutes of silence, but silvery with shared wonder. “Bet you don’t see stars like this back home.”

"I wouldn't want to. They look nicer out here anyways." Corin admitted, fingers curling into the rolled down glass panel still lingering with something humid. "Do we have to go to New York?"

Moon raised an eyebrow, his hands smoothing out the metal of his steering wheele almost out of habit. "You serious?"

Corin shrugged. "We could decorate a little shrub or something."

"Jesus fuckin' Christ." The younger man scoffed, shaking his head amused. "We're almost through Ab Reno, really?"

"Call it a Freudian slip."

Moon snorted, lighting up another cigarette. "I thought you didn't want to spend it in this dump."

"It's grown on me." Corin said, scooting their legs up and propping their chin on their red scuffed knees. "I like the quiet."

He hummed, turning the car to a different road, far away from their original destination. Corin didn't look at him as they suddenly changed paths, just pressed their face further into the dry skin of their legs. Moon didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he stared out at the horizon, where the last vestiges of daylight clung stubbornly to the edges of the world.

And Corin, for all their initial discomfort, tilted their head back to gaze at the stars too. They were brighter here, sharp pinpricks of light scattered across the velvet sky. Christmas was the same, regardless where they spent it.

But they would rather it be under a clear, mellow ridden sky.

[popculturebuffet]

Into the Spider-Verse Finale: Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse Review (Comissioned by WeirdKev27)

In Memory of John Romita Senior 1930-2023

Let's do this one last time. I"m Jacob Mattingly, and for the past few months, i've been reviewing the first apperances of spider-men. I've seen them enjoy crackers and milk, knock themselves out on furnaces, drum to deal with their pent up angst, rage, get powers from a spooky god while buck naked, and crumple a pipe like paper in their hand. It's been a long, loving ride into comics that not only got my comics reviewing mojo back but allowed me to share one of my faviorite franchises with you fine folks, many of whom don't usually read comics.

So we've come to the end of this retrospective, a bit later thanks to all the chaos of me using, but appropriatley as the final review i'm doing from the only home i've ever known. After 561 reviews here, it's time to say goodbye and given this is both one of the best projects i've done in my career and one where i've finally started editing better, it feels like the note to go out on.

This review has also been super intemidating to start. I'm an animation and comics nerd.. and Into is easily one of the best animated films AND best superhero films ever. It's also MASSIVELY influental, something I didn't see coming when I walked out of the theater, but really should've and we're now starting to see in earnest now the production cycle has had enough time to catch up to this film being a MONSTER hit. From modern masterworks like Mitchells Vs the Machines and Puss In Boots: The Last Wish to upcoming possible greats like TMNT: Mutant Mayhem, it's very clear studios are now far more likely to break from the standard CG styles and do something fresh, and audiences fucking love it. I hadn't realized till this film how much you could play with animation, from the concept of ones and twos to making a comic book movie look like a comic book. Any time I paused while watching this it felt like looking at a panel. The art here is gorgeous and the script matches it. So the question was both what would I have to say about the film and would I be able to live up to it? The only way to find out. is to take the leap. So join me under the cut as we swing into the spider-verse once again and see what makes this film so great 5 years later. Also as a heads up spoilers for the sequel will be present so if you somehow havne't seen it, you've been warned.

Let's Do This One More Time.... To get into why this film happened we have to get into Sony's treatment of spider-man. Said treatment has been a near neverending cycle of doing something right with it.. only to do something that shoots what they did right several times in the foot, stabs it and lights it on fire. Sam Rami makes two great spider-man films? Let's overly interfere with the last one and weigh it down with a lot of stuff it didn't really need. Amazing Spider-Man was decent with two tremendous leads in Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone but had some places to improve like peter being a skater boy she said see you later boy? Let's get complicated with it, overly focusing on Peter's Parents, including PLANNING TO HAVE PETER'S DAD SHOW UP ALIVE, a mysterious man in a trench coat from a tie in novel, and make harry osborn into this.

It's hard to decide which is worse. I mean their both worse than that time Harry Got a Mustache in College

A very high bar no doubt, but it's hard to decide if modern pale emo kid or GNEEE GNEEE I'M THE GREEN GOBLIN GNEEE GNEE was worse. Though I think we all can agree sony deciding "You know this pathetic weirdo we just had kill one of our most popular characters? LET'S GIVE HIM A MOVIE" is just.. one of the most baffling decisions they've made. Popular Anti-Hero with his own history, rogues and dynamic outside of spider-man Venom makes us an unexpected hit? Let's give him a sequel.. which was actually logical. So naturally they also decide "let's make OTHER spider-man villians and anti heroes into their own movies" I mean who DOSEN'T want a kraven movie?.... me.. me don't want that. I want Kraven IN a movie, but why. And the less said about morbius that dosen't involve Matt Smith giving one hell of a performance or weirdly dancing to show off his impressive abs the better.

Why wasn't the film just... Matt Smith as a more villianous version of morbius? A riddle for the ages. The point is sony has a GOLDEN franchise.. but often has no idea what to do with it. It's why when this film was pitched they were trying badly to find something to do with it, hence Venom. So since they had an animation division that while not terrible only really had one franchise of note, head of spider-man stuff Amy Pascal went to two of the men who'd made one of the most succesful animated films of the time and who were on a high point in their career and asked what they would do. These men.. were Christopher Lord and Phil Miller. The two had had a rocky start in their careers, show running the cult hit Clone High, which while well loved to the point we finally got a new season this year that was pretty dang good, wasn't exactly a big hit. Eventually though the two broke out with 21 Jump Street, a film no one had a ton of faith in hearing about it, myself included. The film was a comedy reboot of the old series, lampooning the whole premise and lamp shading the hell out of everything from this being a reboot, to our heroes not remotely passing for high schoolers, to high school drama itself, and not only revived Lord, Miller and Stars Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill's careers. This naturally got a sequel, which was not only even better and more meta, cumulating in a hell of an ending lampshading the idea of this being a franchise, we also got one of the funniest scenes in the history of film. And yes that's a hill i'm wiling to die on.

And even THAT woudn't be it as the two would go on to make the Lego Movie, a film that was both stylistically brilliant, hilarious and used the property brilliantly AND followed that up with The Lego Batman Movie. The two had a clear talent for taking a property, doing something fresh with it while honroing what worked so they were a no brainer to ask to do this. As for why would they.... IT'S SPIDER-MAN. If I got offered to make a movie about spider-man i'd do it. Who wouldn't?

Ironically though while Miller and Lord had the creative vision, something even I didn't know till recently is that they didnt' direct the film. In fact out of them only Lord wrote the film, co writing it with Rodney Rothman, who also co-wrote 22 Jump Street which as established above, is quality as hell. Rothman's Resume up to Jumpstreet isn't really anything huge, having done writing stints on underclared, the short lived ups animated sitcom Game Over, and having been a writer on Letterman, the last of which i'm mostly noting because he proudly revealed he was the one Chris Farley threw in a dumpster, but he clearly just needed more of a shot as both films he's co-written prove.

He also wasn't flying solo in direction, with his co directors, while also inexperinced in directing for the most part, having far more animation experince. First up is bob perschetti, who did the story for the original puss in boots and a smaller film called the little prince, and did tons of storyboard work for dreamworks, having worked on Shrek 2, Monsters Vs Aliens, Flushed Away and Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit, which I previously covered. He was also an inbetweener on a smorgasboard of disney films.

Finally we have Peter Ramsey, the only one to have directed a theatrical film before this with Rise of the Guardians, and was a storyboard artist on a list of flims so massive and prestigous i'm just going to let this wikipedia screencap speak for itself.

Yeahhhh. See I point out the lack of direction credintials not to shame them, sometimes it can take decades before you get your shot, but more because it's so utterly shocking that as experinced as these guys are only one of them had directed before this. The film is gorgeous and groundbreaking.. and makes it that much more baffling it took this long for these three guys to get such a big , well deserved shot and given all have projects going on right now, I couldn't be happier.

So the production itself seemed to go smoothly for the most part. The only exceptions were Sony nixing a cameo from tom holland (as they found it confusing) and something massive: one year out from the film being released Lord and Miller felt the film wasn't working and thus decided to rewrite it. This itself dosen't seem too bad, a year seems like a lot of time... but in animation terms.. that's hardly anything and also heavily involved taking what they already had and figuring out how to recontextualize it. If you couldn't tell from going that far, the duo were fans, having read spider-man comics and done research for it, picking thier spider-men carefully. The results.. well the results are nothing short of amazing, spectacular or peter parker.

Taking the Leap: As I mentioned earlier Spider-verse.. changed film animation. This isn't hyperbole either; if you look at the bulk of this year's animated films their all more stylistic with many, TMNT: Mutant Mayhem and Nimona in paticular, using a combo of 2d and 3d animation and it stretches into last year two with The Bad Guys and Puss in Boots and in 2020 with Sony's own Mitchell's Vs the Machines. More studios are experimenting with their style and trying something diffrent and what's more remarkable is that.. they aren't just 1:1 copying spiderverse. Many have taken it's sketchy style sure , but no one's doing it the exact same way: Spider-Verse often resembles a comic book, TMNT a sketch book and nimona something else entirely. Each is drawn and rendered.. but each in a way all it's own.

It's not to say films before this didn't have their own style: as my friend Kammie pointed out in a long conversation about animation recently, Dreamworks has always had it's distinct character models and before this The Peanut Movie (one of my faviorite cg animated films ever) and Rango both tried to play with it. Peanuts in paticular also took a stab at emulating the comics it's based on. The problem was while both films were gorgeous.. neither really took off. Peantus was a modest success, but the Schultz family had no interest in a sequel, while Rango didn't really land at the box office. And when something fails hollywood tends to blame the work itself and not circumstance or

Spider-Verse broke that by not only being a mainstream hit but one that really worked the animation as hard as it could. It gets .. incredibly technical and even I wasn't aware of how much till going to tv tropes but simply: most animation is done on ones or twos. Ones means a unique image every frame, twos means a unique image every other frame. You usally use one or the other. Spider-Man.. does BOTH, which is as exausting as it sounds, using 2s on the characters and 1's on the character work to give it a more dynamic vision, and shaking it up when needed, such as having miles on ones for most of the film , the rest of the spider people on twos, and then miles on twos after the what's up danger scene. It's a LOT of dedication and that's not even getting to how every spider-person has a slightly diffrent animation style. The results are eye candy in it's purest form: every pause is a panel, every action catches your eye, everything works. And the panel part is paticuarlly notable as the crew did their damndest to make this LOOK like a comic in motion. It's something that , as many great comic book movies and superhero films as we've had.. you simply cannot do in live action. So if it's so obvious why did it take till 2018 to do?

It's likely other suprehero animated films had the idea.. but there was no way in hell they were getting the budget to do it. And if you've seen say the incredibles, mask of the phantasm of megamind, those budgets are already pretty damn vast for their times. Animation is a great medium.. but when it comes to film... the big studios get complacient really fast. Animated Films are EXPENSIVE and a huge swing like this is a radioactive spider-risk. It's why up until spider-verse most studios have stuck to their guns: Disney and Pixar have ocasoinal style shifts but you can genuinely tell when a film's by either stuido, Illumination basks in it's cheap but effective house style, and Warner.. well warner just dosen't give a shit in general why would it here. Dreamworks is the only one that really shook up styles and even then until this year they didn't shake up how they aniamted. After all if it works.. why fix it. And before anyone asks, no i'm not saying "ALL THESE OMVIES ARE TERRIBLE FUCK THEM AMIRITE". I'm saying that the industry got complacent and it's something I, an animation critic, didn't even realize till spider-verse's effects started being felt. Animation really did change because this one film took a leap and it's only for the better: Mutant Mayhem looks to be the best tmnt adaptatoin ever, a VERY high bar from an obessive tmnt fan like me, Nimona looks awesome, i've heard good things abotu Ruby Gilman from Kammie, and Puss In Boots was fucking magic. And while they all likely woud've ben good regardless, this leap has really changed things and hopefully will continue to from here on out as more and more new films catch up lead time wise. To quote Kammie

"The new giants of major western movie animation are Sony and Dreamworks, they're willing to innovate and take risks where most other studios falter and resort to retreading old territory or using stock plots. Do they still innovate technicalogically? Yes. Does that matter when you make movies that only look slightly more realistic than the last one you did? No. We don't go to animation for realism, we go to it for escapism, to see worlds that are utterly impossible and larger-than-life characters, find places that we can only visit in our dreams, to see sheer spectacle that's not possible in live action. Animation more than anything is only limited by technology, and it's a testament to it that most live action films have CGI, a form of animation, involved in making them what they are."

But animation is only half of it. How's the story? Good: But that's pretty obvious so let's go into our characters and what not shall we?

Miles Morales: Anyone Can Wear the Mask

So first up danger is our hero.. well one of many but Miles is our focus and was a perfect choice for it: his arc in the comics is a coming of age story in the vein of the original and ultimate spider-men (the latter being miles predecessor), and really explores what it means to be spider-man: in the comics Miles rejects the idea outright until peter dies.. and he realizes with great power comes great responsiblity and that he can be what peter was.. and then has to settle into the harsh realities of being spidey as well as the good it brings. Bringing a character like that into a story with a bunch of other spider-man all showing what it could mean with diffrent people was genius. The film also nicely tweaks things to make an already good story better. The first is miles age: in the comics he's currently 16-17.. but started out as a 13 year old. The idea worked, both to seperate it from the 16 year old peter he replaced and to make the danger that much more horrifying as it's happening to a much younger person and make some doubts about him doing it more understandable, but it works better to have miles as a teen here, to have him grown up just enough to understand a lot.. but still question who he is. It also allows the nice parallel of getting his powers around the same age as peter.

Another is that in the comics while Miles gets into brooklyn visions by lottery.. what that means for him really isn't focused on. It's hard, but he adjusts to it fairly well and the issue is more having to spider-man from a heavily montired private dormintory. Into instead explores what it would really mean for a kid from a working class family having to leave all the people he knew and grew up with to go to a fancy prep school where most of his classmates ignore him at best. In the comics Miles at least had his best friend going with him: here's he's just alone in an unfamiliar place he badly wants to leave.

I also like that his getting into the school isn't ALL luck. While he literally won the lottery, and yes they really do lottery children's chances for a better future and yes it's fucked up, his mom makes note of him passing the entrance exam and while trying to flunk out delbieratley, his teacher notes he got an exact zero... and then gives him a 100 as to get the answers THAT wrong.. you have to know all of them. Miles is a smart kid.. but he just hates where he is because he's alone. It's not helped by his.. let's say complicated relationship with his dad. Jefferson.. is not the most likeable guy. He's more than the comics where he's an out and out anti-mutant racist douchebag who outright abandons his son when he finds out (he DOES get better, but it's still a dick move), but he's still a domenering presence: when Miles brings up wanting to leave the school Jefferson is admant on him staying. He refuses to really.. empthaize with his son, being mad at his habit of putting up nametags, not really supporting his grafiti art (another deft addition to the character It ruly love), and not really getting him. Jefferson MEANS well: he wants miles to have a life jeff didn't. Like in the comics i'ts heavily implied Jeff didn't really start with anything nor did he or Aaron have the best life, having to steal to survive. He grew past it while Aaron embraced the criminal life style, but it's clear Jefferson WANTS his son to do better.. but is so stubborn and controlling he can't see that miles is miserable and that he needs to stop putting his foot down and start actually listening. The school WILL be good for miles in the long run.. but it's hard for him to see that without anyone helping him. It's easy to see WHY Miles prefers his uncle. Aaron davis isn't the best person, and we'll get to that.. b ut it's clear he loves his nephew and encourages him in school. It's just Aaron also takes the time to LISTEN, to try and gently push miles, asking him what he actually likes about the schol, encouraging him to make a move on his crush. Grnated the shoulder touch is a very awkward move no one should try and I never would, seriously don't touch a woman without their permission folks, but he means well with it. He also wants better for Miles.. he just respects miles more as a person. And with Miles feeling like one person but being shoved in another direction... being spider-man was the last thing he needed. Something I like about Miles as a character both here and in the comics.. is that being spider-man DOSEN'T make his life better at first. See even if most spider-men eventually get the lowered boom of someone they love dying, most get to at least enjoy it first. Looking back at the origins, Peter getting his powers takes a young nerd with no power and gives him all of it, Spider-Ham got a surrogate mom and teh power to crumple other peoples pipes like paper in his hand, while NOir's origin was.. less than ideal

He still got the power to fight back against a corrupt world, and Gwen much like peter got a power high. Miles.. never gets that in either version. In the comics he's utterly terrified and here he not only gets that.. but also gets humilated: trying the touch fails..as it likely woul'dve anyway, and instead messes up gwen's hair in the short run and makes it kick ass in the long run, sends him running in a panic from school security, and gets him stuck to about 80 dozen things. It shows the part most spidey origins and a chunk of superhero origins skip: that while getting powers is fun.. the learning curve usually sucks. Instead of the power high.. miles is just terrified by what he is and what he must do now and has no idea what he's doing. While most spider-man get the good of it first and have to learn the harsh realities of being a superhero later, usually with some horrific death, miles is one who from the get go realized with great powers comes a spinerett load of trauma. It's something the next film will deconstruct, but for now it's simply stripping that back and showing that while anyone can be spider-man.. it's not exactly a fun job as it is on paper.

So Miles goes to try find his uncle and when that fails, goes to the place he got bit by the spider..

Because he gets thrown into a supervillian battle, meets the real spider-man, and gets a hard truth from Peter Peter: You're like me. Miles: I don't want to be. Peter: I don't think you have a choice, kiddo.

It's not Blonde Peter being harsh or cruel.. he's just honest. You can try running away from powers, trying to live a normal life.. but eventually it catches up with you. Peter's tried to quit multiple times.. but it dosen't stick because great power, great responsibility. He can try and give up, leave it to other guys.. but at the end of the day having this gift means using it wisely.. and in miles case having it also makes him a target. And Miles ALMOST gets a mentor.. but then peter dies and gruffly tells Miles "You gotta save the world now slugger". Oh and not two seconds later he nearly dies getting chased by a superman. And he wasn't even supposed to be here today. Honestly I didn't even realize till I sat down to write this but the first half hour or so of the film.. is pretty bleak for miles. He gets power he dosen't want, has to watch the world's greatest hero die, and is left in charge of a major task that someone with a decades more experince died trying to do. Oh and he was told to keep it secret and can't tell those he loves. His life is just one hard long cruel cosmic joke.. and the sequel makes it even worse given we now know the spider wasn't even supposed to bite him and he gets BLAMED for watching someone die. Also just to get this out of the way now, while I was calling bullshit on Miguels claims Miles was responsible for Peter's death in the theater, I did watch the scene carefully just to throughly debunk this. And shockity shock... Peter would've died whether miles was there or not. The goblin suckers him slightly due to miles.. but it's nothing that really slows him down or injures him. What ultimately leaves peter at deaths door and weak enough for the kingpin to do his finisher on the poor guy is getting ganged up on by Prowler and Goblin, and then slammed into the collider. Aaron would've been there, Norman would've been there.. this all was supposed to happen, as tragic as it was. Fate changed by Miles getting bit.. but it changed this world at least for the better as it'd probably be gone along with 5 more spiderpeople and incalculable innocents. So in conclusion: eat a dick miguel, let's move on.

So with that Miles is left shattered and wonders home.. and Jefferson is warm and supportive and just kidding: he tells miles he made a commitment, rio has to give him a look like "come on" and when asked if he hates spider-man, while his child is clearly shaken by SOMETHING, his reponse is "well yeah".

And with the power of hindsight this .. really underlines why Miles has confidence issues the rest of the film. Why he struggles with his powers: he was already feeling out of place in his new school and having most of what makes him who he is questioned by his dad, and then he goes through spider-puberty and watches the world's greatest hero get body slammed into a science machine, gets yelled at by said hero that

Watches said hero get mob executioned by a villian he now has to stop, and then gets chased by his top enforcer while spooky but dope as fuck music played. It's a miracle Miles hasn't had a full on nervous breakdown after all this, let alone gets up, and decides he HAS to press on, visiting the memorial and realizing that no one else is going to come do this.. I mean they will but what makes it work is he dosen't know that yet. All miles knows is the one thing keeping the city from falling apart is gone, and he's the only one who can do this and as rightfully scared and afraid and alone the poor boy is... he has to try. He may not be quite ready to take the leap.. but he's ready to put a foot off the roof.

While miles has plenty of deadly and superior foes to fight.. his ultimate enemy is himself...

.... metaphorically this movie. Miles has the heart of a hero.. but is so scared by being one and so sure he CAN'T do it that it's a self fufilling prophecy. It's something expertly shown in how his powers work: he can't get his hands to stick or unstick on queue or his camo to work unless he needs it to flee. His powers are acting on his panic and anxiety. As peter points out with the sticking, it only lets go when you relax and Miles can't relax, he can't relax cuz he's a boinger.. and because you know, he's in a VERY stressful situation. Most spider-men at least get a few simple crooks before they get to the supervillians. Miles has to fight the sinister six on his first day. I'ts easy to see why he can't trust himself: if a peter ten years deep in can't do it, how can he? It's telling the one time pre-what's up danger miles really masters his abilities fully is with web swinging, when he just has a chance to relax and learn.

It's not helped by Miles essentially seeing the ghosts of his future right in front of him: Through Peter Prime, he's seen he can die easily. Through peter b. he sees even if he dosen't being spider-man might destroy his personal life. and through gwen he's seen how he could grow isolated and alone through tragedy. He sees his possible future in two people he grows to love, one platonically one nto so much both who we'll get to, and it scares him. It doesn't help Peter. B is the ONLY spider person willing to give him a chance: while Gwen likes him, she thinks he's not ready and the others all expect him to be spider-man NOW dammit, when all of them had a much less steep learning curve. Except Peni, her learning curve was basically "Suprise we released the spider your dad made into this room! Enjoy being radioactive!"

Into The Spider-Verse is ultimately a film about how others expectations of you can eat you alive.. and the only way to really escape that.. is to be yourself. Not to IGNORE that other people exist or be a callous jackass, but to trust in yourself you'll make the right call. To trust you to do the right thing when things are their darkest.

And it's ironic that what finally gets him to have faith in himself.. is the person who seemed to have the least faith in him. In the end the person who enrcourages miles is Jefferson. While miles has been having his arc.. Jeff has had his own, as miles has been mia since meeting peter. b, and then found his brother dead.. and blamed miles as spider-man for it. Thankfully this gets cleared up enough, but it clearly rattled Jeff enough to realize that holding fast and trying to be constantly authortive and unbending.. isn't working and never has. It's only by opening up does he not only finally close the gap with his son, even if that comes AFTER all this because you know, webbed up mouth and all, but makes miles finally have some confidence in himself. And the speeech itself is just.. beautiful.

Jefferson Davis : Look, sometimes... people drift apart, Miles. And I don't want that to happen to us, okay? Look, I know I don't always do what you need me to do or say what you need me to say, but I... I see this... this spark in you, it's amazing, it's why I push you. But it's yours, and whatever you choose to do with it, you'll be great.

I'll also give Brian Tyree Henry credit as he's just perfect in the role, being a hardass.. but in a way that makes it clear he's not 100% dick and here him opening up.. is beautiful. And it's really what miles needed: While Peter. B wasn't a TERRIBLE mentor, trying his best to encourage miles, what miles ultimately needed was the simplest message: be yourself. Which yes is INCREDIBLY common in animated media. But it's done well here. It also makes me wish the cut line with peter used in the trailers was used here as it really gets to the heart of the film: Don't do it like me, do it like you. Miles problem was that he tried too hard to be what others wanted and that people pushed him to hard to be somethign else, wether that meant instantlly accepting a hard situation in his new school from his dad or instantly fitting the role as spider-man from the other spider-people. it's only when he's told just.. do it his way that he finally can accept it.. and can finally CONTROL it. What I like is that while in a lot of other superhero films, miles suddenly being able to control his powers would be an asspull .. here it's CAREFULLY set up: Miles coudlnt' really control them because he was scared. It's once he lets go of his fear of death, fear of failure, and fear of himself.. that he can take a leap of faith. His ascendency to spider-man is also one of the best sequences in any animated movie. Not taking notes on that. It just is.

Every fucking second of this is perfect. "What's Up Danger" itself is dope as fuck, and perfectly fits the song. Black Caviar's beat is pure magic and Blackways lyrics perfectly fit the confidence Miles finally has. Their a bit rougher than him but fit who he is NOW: he is the amazing, spectacular, the ULTIMATE spider-man. After a whole film of doubting himself, not knowing where to go or what to do or if he can do this... HE CAN. And he WILL. There's so many great moments: him spraypainting the costume, taking one of peter's looks and making it is his own with his own talent and passion, the now iconic upside down falling shot that graced every trailer, and him swinging and wall jumping through new york, finally embracing his power... all capped with him lifting the mask, panting in exaustion... and then smiling. He's got this.

The insuing big damn heroes during the brawl with the sinister six is great. He shows up invisible, easily turns the table on liv and shows up, and it's also heartwarming how rather than tell him to go home or any other such nonsense.. everyone is HAPPY he's here. They didn't put him back because they didn't like him.. they kept him back because they didn't want him to die stupidly. NOw he CAN fight and has the confidence and skill to.. their happy to have him.

I also like how while all the spider-people ge ttheir moments and we get one hell of a three on one battle between doc ock , miles, peter and gwen, the final fight, the true final test.. is miles alone. Everyone gets to shine as the villians get whittled down to one.. but ultimately the final battle only works if it's miles alone: one final test as spider-man: Miles vs Fisk. The All-New All-Diffrent Spider-Man vs the man who murdered the original. The Kingpin of Crime Vs your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-man. It's a truly harrowing fight, one where Miles is often overwhelmed, but does what all spider-men do: get back, keep fighting. Do everything he can. With jeffersons support one last time miles goes from a scared child.. to catching this thief just like a fly.. complete with bug zapper. The touch of using the.. well shoulder touch is fucking amazing, hilaroius, heartwrenching.. and awesome. The man who killed his uncle, who nearly destroyed new york is down. The universe is saved... all thanks to brooklyn's own friendly neighborhood spider-man. Miles ends the film sure of himself, happy and with his father accepting him. He misses everyone.. but he'll see them again. He just might come to regret it but hey.. that's for next time.

As a quick epilogue, I ALMOST forgot to mention but Shamiek Moore is fucking perfect in the role. While Donald Glover would've been a great fit, Moore brings a youthful energy that perfectly fits the character. Moore handles the characters journey, the humor, and the heartbreak all beautifully.

Peter B. Parker, the Spectacular Spider-Mess

While this film is focused on the new kid on the webs, Lord and Miller still decided to include the Spider-Man everyone was familiar with. In fact.. they lean INTO how familiar we are to play with peter as a character. When they give their stories for the comics brilliant origin sequences, they both know to just.. gloss over most of the stuff we're familiar with.. and to basically apologize for the emo peter dance. Lord and MIller clevelry use the rami films as a refrence point. Then they do something ENTIRELY new in terms of adapting peter at this point: this peter.. has been at this for a while. It's something Insomniac would also use for their universe and honestly.. is quitely brilliant. In the comics.. peter HAS been at this for about a decade.. exactly how long has been kept vauge, but he's always pushing 30. Most adaptations though want to start with peter fairly early in his career: while some cartoons like Ultimate, Spectacular or Animated Series start with peter mid career, it's still fairly early and before he faces most of his arch enemies. It also makes sense: after all if your making a spider-man universe from scratch, why would you start with him already knowing how to fight these guys? The comics have the advantage of years of continuity, so writers can do what they want with the bad guys basically. But since a new continuintiy means you can do the latter from the top, why would you start in the middle of your story? It CAN work as shown here and with , while I sadly can't play them because no ps4 or 5, the insomniac games, but with the latter it works to the games advantage to have you play a peter whose already a kicker of ass first class.

Here though instead it's used for something even the comics often have their hands tied from doing: to show just how TIRED spider-man would be after a decade of this. While Blonde Peter is great at the job, has a loving aunt, and an adoring wife... he's still so very tired. He says so when fighting Prowler. It's clear the heir of "I can always do this, i'm spider-man" is as much a coping mechanism as it is determination. It explores the idea that peter's drive to keep going, to do the imposisble would wear him down eventually.. and given the crap he has to go through in the comics because writers think there needs to be added DRAMA, you can't blame him. Peter. B shows where this leads.. a peter who has 80 tons of broken bones, stopped taking care of himself, and is slowly falling apart after Aunt May's death, cumilating in pushing MJ away after she wanted kids.. and he was scared of it. Which given what his life is like is actually understandable. It's also a type of fear the comics have only been able to explore in AU's: editors have been dicks about the idea of peter having kids, and the one time he seriously was about ot have one before it was kidnapped, he was retired.. then it got kidnapped and disappeared because clone saga. Here we see the fear he'd have.. and peter sabotaging his own life as MJ seems relcutant as he is to divorce and the peter left in the aftermath is crying in a bathtub in his full costume

This is a peter who ONLY has being spider-man and we see how deeply unhealthy that is. Part of what makes Peter Parker so great, what's kept spider-man enduring.. is relatablity. Peter struggles with the same stuff most of us do: holding down a job, crappy bosses, relationship issues, juggling family with your life, friendships getting complicated... it's the ballancing act of having a regular life and also punching the kangaroo in the face while he's at it that makes spider-man compelling and it's finding new ways to do that, from having peter teach at his old high school to having him actually get a science job, that makes this character endure. Here though.. it's just Spider-Man and we see how unhealthy that is: May is dead, he pushed MJ and likely anyone else in his life away... peter only has being spider-man left, and action can be a reward but it can't give you a fulfilling life. This is a peter whose just going through the motions and badly broken. It's very telling that when Miles tries to use "With Great Power Comes Great Responsiblity" , the HEART of what spider-man, any spider-man, woman or ham, is, Peter responds with a very harsh "DON'T finish that sentence. I'm so tired of people using that". He's a peter whose so far to the edge he's willing to leave miles world to die just to get back to a life that's deeply miserable. In most cases spider-man would swing at the right thing but Peter B is just so very tired he just wants to go home.

But he's still spider-man.. and eventually realizes as much as he wants to.. he can't leave miles there and he can't leave this world to die. The movie is also good in not letting peter dangle off the edge of being absolutely awful too long. He refuses to save the world at first.. but it's clear Miles gets to him right away. He's still a mess.. but he's also Spider-Man. He's also peter parker. And May raised him better. The relationship between Peter B and Miles.. is fantastically done, with Miles slowly opening up his new mentor and Peter B slowly rediscovering what he actually liked about the job... and that maybe he CAN be a dad and spider-man. We see his humor slowly come back, him swatting the cape away from miles, gleefully pointing out what to do. He's still not the BEST teacher, wanting miles to just wait.. but when miles has to come along, he's grumpy for a few seconds then roles with it. We start with Peter. B seeing how worn down he is...but here we see all the experince and skill of his blonde counterpart. He's still the science nerd who can memorize a complicated password and can't grasp that miles can't. He's still a mess, trying to flirt with what turns otu to be his aunt's ex.. and also doc ock, but we see a subtle change, cumilating in the heartwarming scene of him and miles swinging together. peter may be a mild dick and a human disaster.. but he's a good man. By the time all the spider-people are together and doubting miles.. peter. b is the only one who sees how much this quest means to hte boy and is advocating for him. To them Miles is in over his head.. but Peter sees the spark in miles Jefferson does. He sees a kid who was thrown in the deep of this and the last thing MIles need is 80 people telling him he can't do it. It's likely that, just like Blonde Peter, Peter. B sees the pain and confusion that comes from starting as spider-man clear as day and if he can help miles avoid that, he will. Jake Johnson is phenominal in this role, helping show the depth behind this kind of peter. It best shows after the house fight: While Peter is trying to get Miles to stay behind and is willing to die to save his world... he's doing it for MOSTLY noble reasons. Miles really WASN'T ready and as Peter pointed out, he needed to be ready to just take a leap of faith. He's gone from wanting to abandon miles because he dosen't care.. to leaving him behind because he dosen't want his surrogate son to die horribly trying to fufill a promise he's not ready for. Granted like I said it's mostly noble: its very clear Peter. B is also doing this.. because he feels himself expendible. He has nothing to go back to, the others do. Miles has more to live for. If he dies staying here... what's he leaving behind? It's what makes his ending so rewarding: He sees miles finally take that leap and as I mentioned before he's nothing but happy Miles finally has got it and fights alongside his new son, realizing maybe he does want kids. He still plans to stay behind.. and the student becomes the teacher, with Miles pointing out he can't.. things with MJ aren't broken.. he still has time to make it right. He still has something to live for. It's hard.. but so was becoming spider-man for miles. If Peter. B is ready to die for this dimension.. he can live for MJ and for his protege. So he ends the film making up with her with Mj's smile showing she welcomes him back.. and as we'll see he really gets his happily ever after. But we'll get more on that next time.

Vault of Spiders

So now we've come to the other spider-people. First up our most prominent, Gwen, whose mostly taken 1:1 from the comics: She became Spider-Woman, then learned the great power great responsiblity lesson the hard way when she fought the lizard.. and he died revealing peter parker, her best friend who just wanted to be like her, leaving her alone. There's more to it, but that's best left for the next film when we get her origin in full. Gwen is done well here: the punk haircut fits her perfectly and Hailee Steinfeld is unsurprisingly awesome as her and gets Gwen's loneliness, standoffishness, and badassery perfectly, and we see her slowly open up to miles, with her doubts coming off less as bein ga jerk and more as being worried for him. We also get some nice subtle bits: while she mentions her best friends.. only WE know her best friend was a peter, and that being surrounded by about 4 of him and having to talk to aunt may, who she's also close to in her dimension, is likely a LOT for the poor kid. She also gets some genuinely cute moments with miles, from their first meeting in class, to the disastrous touch (and the later great brick joke of "you don't get to like it"), to the bus scene). Orignally the two WERE suppposed to be a couple.. but i'm glad they left the more overt romance for the sequels, as the films packed enough as is and it gives it more build. It's clear there's an attraction there.. there just isn't time for it given the possible dimensional apocalypse. That's what sequels are for.

That said I do think had they focused on just three spider-persons we might of had more of an arc for Gwen... instead we get a lot of personality but not who she is. I'd be harder on this.. but to the crews and the next batch of directors credit, they realized this and in the next film, and likely extending into Beyond, she's the deutragonist. So it's hard to be on this when they realized what they had next go round. The other spider-people on the other hand.. feel like a massive wasted opportunity. Casting wise it's all pitch perfect: Nicholas Cage is perfet for a noir parody and is utterly hilarious, John Mulaney's everyman voice is perfect for spider-ham, helping emphasise how weird this is, and Peni's serious nature and anime stylings are something the beloved Kimiko Glenn gets down perfectly. I was so happy to see her in a movie this size. And adaptation wise.. 2/3 ain't bad. Spider-Ham is pitch perfect from the source and Peni, while having her anime stylings here focused on a bit more, still has her science background and driven nature. Noir Peter though.. yeah while he's not TERRIBLE on his own in terms of actually adapting the character... it's wince inducing. I don't mind not going 1:1 and given the limited screen time I don't mind playing into the noir nature for laughs. My issue is more that Noir's world is so insanely dark, THAT could've been played for laughs instead. I mean again THIS is how peter gets his powers there.

Just have Nicholas cage casually rattle that off. I get not bringing up the rampant death but it just feels like a missed opprotunity to not really use anything from the actual comics other than the costume. The rubix cube joke is great. So you have three all time great performers.. but they don't get much to do. I was among the fans disapointed they weren't in the sequel, and only not as much as some others because I figured they were saving them for the sequel.. and after seeing the film and it's cliffhanger, that turned out to be EXACTLY it. It's a bummer they aren't in across but given how much it crammed into it's long runtime and how much it has left to go, and how the mystery of why noir and ham weren't with the society's whole creepy philosphy when their friends drank the kool aid is a neat hook.

They get great bits, Noir saying he has to burn his hand to feel something, Ham getting side eyed by the other two when he mentions he was a pig bitten by a spider.. which for those who didn't read the rest of the restrospective if your wondering ..

We also get a great drmatic bit. Originally in the scene where everyone sympathizes with Miles, Spider-ham made a stupid joke about his uncle frankfurter. it was funny.. but kinda wrecked the scene. So they instead switched it with one of the most heartbreaking lines in all of animation, which Mulaney NAILS.

Just the devistaition on that pig's face. And i'm hoping we find out what the fuck the story was there in Beyond.. but i'm perfectly happy with not knowing. Because it makes it that much more devistating. We don't know what he lost. We just know he hurts and that the hardest thing about being a spider-man.. is you just can't save them all. So naturally ham got a spinoff, Caught in a Ham. Caught in a Ham.. is decent a theatrical style short that explains what ham was doing. It's.. fine.. the various villian puns are fun and it clearly takes a lot from warner, but the animation is ENTIRELY cheap, and the villian, dr crawdaddy is just... what. Seriously you have so many fun animal versions of spideys rogues and better new foes.. and this is what you go with. And no making fun of how lame he is dosen't work. That jokes been done a lot. You have to do it well and they really didn't. Dr Crawdaddy is bad but it's not hialriously bad. Caught in a hami s okay but it was a massive disapointment and Mulaney deserved better.

So now we have those who can spin a web any size and catch a theif just like flies covered, we have to talk about one of spider-man's most important aspects The Superior Foes of Spider-Man

Look spider-man is popular for a lot of reasons: a deep facinating character no matter whose wearing the mask, a varied, visually intresting and cool power set, the idea that anyone can be spider-man. All this is true. But one of the biggest.. is his Rogues gallery. Spider-Man easily has one of the best rogues galleries in all of superhero fiction, with only batman providing competition. Just off the top of my head you have Green Goblin, Hobgoblin, Doc Ock, Electro, Beetle, Boomerang, Scorpion, The Kingpin, Rhino, Hammerhead, Tombstone, Shocker, Vulture, Kraven, Mysterio, The Lizard, Stegron the Dinosaur Man, The Spot, The Gibbon, Mr Negative, The Enforcers, Mountain Man Marko, Chance, Venom, Carnage, Hypno Hustler, Rocket Racer, Sandman, The Tinkerer, The Prowler, Lady Electro, White Rabbit, Overdrive, Hydro Man, Chameleon, The Iguana, and of course his greatest enemy PAUL.

Or Maybe it's Zeb wells. Who knows? The larger point is spider-man has a LARGE pool of villians to tap, so Lord and MIller's Solution: GRAB AS MANY AS POSSIBLE AND DO WHATEVER. Yeah while like i've said The Kingpin has a full sinister six going, even if sadly never 6 at once as one dies and he kills another, it still counts as their still all under him and just let me have this for once dammit. Seriously if it's not an ongoing cartoon, they will NOT give us the sinister six. Even far from home came as close as we've got and still didn't think maybe one more? LET ME HAVE A PROPER SINISTER SIX IN MY SPIDER-MAN MOVIE DAMMIT.

That said they really only focus on three of the six: the other villians in Fisk's posse are more there just to hit things and give us enough villians so every spider-man can have a turn. And given Spider-man has guys like the rhino that would fit the mold better I question why they went with Green Goblin and Tombstone. With the former i'll admit to being biased: Norman Osborn is one of my faviorite super villians and Harry is certainly somewhere on the list. One of the first spidey comics I read was Amazing Spider-Man #39, and it's followup #40, one of the best spidey comics of all time and with one of the best covers too

This was boosted both by the first Rami film, where Dafoe does a truly amazing job, and the ultimate comics where Norman , while bulking up a bunch is a serious horrifying threat. Here.. h'es just a dummy dum dumb and I get it to a point, part of it is to emphasise the alternate nature of miles universe: in most the green goblin is spider-man's greatest threat, here he's just one of many and while a challenge, not his arch enemy or even in the running it seems. It just dosen't work for me. I'm fine with making some changes, but this one just didn't qutie work. He does look really impressive though and I do get this is likely a me thing and it dosen't really HURT the film, so while I may not like it a bunch I can't say it's as bad as some adaptation changes. I'ts no "Peter dosen't have change for choclate milk and gets thrown it by the robber who kills uncle ben" or making harry osborn into some sort of gneeing snot monster.. and that's bEFORE he takes the goblin drugs.

Tombstone also isn't handled the best, as he's fairly smart and chilling in the comics. I don't take it as personally but it's still iffy to take a black man and make him subservient to a white man. That never plays well. Hammerhead would've been a better choice and still been visually distinct. I

Finally we have Scorpion who I DO like, nicely meshing maximus gargan, the ultimate scorpion who simply had super strength and a scorpion tail styled chain, with the regular one, so now the tail is attached to hima nd baadss, but he's still mexican and still awesome and he gets a great fight with Peni and Porker.

That said while I have my quibbles.. the main three villians.. are fantastic and give me plenty to gush about. We'll start with the big guy. Like with the Green Goblin (and the Hobgoblin, who sadly still hasn't gotten a big movie role as of this review. Someday...), i'm a HUGE fan of the kingpin and he's one of my faviorite super villians. No question. Wilson Fisk is a truly amazing character with tons of layers, intimdating style and intresting dynamics with both spider-man and dardevil. From his first apperance under john romita to his latest crashing on Krakoa , he's a devious mastermind whose trained his body to perfection. Granted I grew up with Spider-Man TAS, where they cleverly made him big bad, so I had a good first intro, but most adaptations handle him well and what little iv'e seen of the mcu version in hawkeye (I still need to watch netflix daredevil) is fucknig magical. Denofrio is great.

Liev Schriber though.. might be the best. He gets Wilson perfect: He has his cocky attitude.. but also his cold detachment. He can brag about starting the collider one minute.. and casually tell his right hand man to "go kill that guy". He can joke.. but ther'es never a moment on screen when your not deeply worried about him being there. There's not a moment you don't get WHY this guy was strong enough, smart enough and nightmarish enough to finish spider-man. I also love the design taking from a comic by the legendary bill sienkiewicz of x-men fame

It perfectly fits and while his proprotions are off.. it helps sell how diffrent he is from everything else. This man commands every room he's in and is a true giant, a looming reminder of blonde peter's death and the ultimate obstacle in our heroes way.

What I like though as while they easily could've just made Fisk evil and called it a day.. it's VERY clear how well the crew understood him.. as they also humanize him. Fisk isn't igniting the collider to make money selling multiversal hot dogs or something. This version lost his wife vanessa and son richard during a fight with spider-man: she saw what he really was and left... and they sadly died in a car crash. It's a great twist too: the comics have always had Vanessa, when she was alive, be the one thing that could pull fisk back from his crime... if only for so long. She never liked it , never accepted it and never wanted it. Richard was a grown man hwo hated it but then joined it then betrayed his dad and got killed.. it's a whole thing. Richard Fisk is a mess.

Fisk is at his core a man who just wants what he lost back but is so blinded by a combination of Trauma Goggles (a term kammie came up with) and his own ego. He can't accept that it was his fault a tragedy happened, that his wife had every right to run and that it was simply horrible, cruel timing that killed his wife. It's the horrible irony in all this: Wilson Fisk is a man who needs to control everything so badly he will rip time and space apart to get back what he lost.. but can't accept that there's NOTHING he can do to fix this, and that it was always his fault. It's who Wilson Fisk is and who he'll always be. It's most heartbreakingly shown when the same events play out again, just with a new vanessa and richard.. but he just can't accept HE'S the bad guy in all this and he drove his family away. In the end he's left with nothing, his empire crumbling, his family gone.. simply because he coudln't let go.

Now onto his right hand man, Aaron Davis, The Prowler. Like Kingpin... hang on.. something seems mi

[THREATNING DUBSTEB BLARES]

Better. Anyways, I was a huge fan of the Prowler. See back when I was in I think middle school, possibly earlier I had this book.

I wouldnt' mind getting another copy or the updated edition at some point. I also had these for X-Men and Fantastic Four. It's part of what really got me into these characters, but the spidey one was near and dear to my heart even as it sadly eventually fell apart. It was a lovely big ole book with profiles for all of spidey's villains, some of his side cast, and what have you up to the early 2000's. It was great.

So it's there I met the Prowler... Good Ol Hobie Brown

Yeah before another hobie became your friendly neighborhood anarchist, the original was a window washer who really wanted to invent, but this being the 60's and many a man being a classist or racist, Hobie instead came up with a pretty brilliant scheme: rob a building using his various inventions and a badass looking disguise, and then return the money for a reward as Hobie Brown.

Unfortunately the building he picked was naturally the Bugle, his old workplace (Though to JJJ's credit, when Hobie had an altercation with his boss, Jonah took hobie's side. Jonah may be many things but Racist isn't one of them)... and he was VERY lucky that it was peter parker, having to pull his punches for obvious reasons , he encountered. Hobie thought he'd killed the poor guy, naturally he hadn't and when encountering peter as spider-man later, not knowing the connection, he confessed and explained things. Peter being peter, and once unmasked seeing Hobie really wasn't that much older than him and had been through the shit, let the guy go and Hobie eventually had a happy ending. So how does aaron fit into this? Well like i've said in this review and covered previously, Miles comes from the Ultimate Universe, so given the prowler had a dope as hell costume, name but not a lot of use, he was perfect to refit as Mile's first archenmey and most personal nemisis.

Uncle Aaron in the comics.. is a bit of a dick. While I plan to cover this arc at some point, as it's REALLY good, Aaron after some time in mexican prison, finds out there's a new spider-man and having stolen the spider in the first place and actually seen it bite miles in this timeline, puts two and two together... and then tries to blackmail his nephew into working for him to make himself the new kingpin, the old one having been blown up with a rocket launcher by Mysterio.

He also died but rather than go out heroically , as we'll get to.. he went out because his suit backfired because he was stupid enough to kill the man who made it while trying to murder his 13 year old nephew.

Yeah it's a lot, and again i'll get into it some other time, but the film made the understandable decision to take about 5 to ten percent of there, and used that percentage to make him infinitely more badass.

This Aaron is an experinced supervillian, one who gives Peter trouble and has awesome theme music. The Prowler in the film is animalistic, moving at less frames than the other characters and being purely terrifying. It sells what Miles is facing: an unstoppable killing machine who just wants him dead. Which completely contrasts who Aaron is off duty. To him.. this is just a job and killing people is just what he does. Kingpin says jump, he says "what spider-man?". When not he's the cool uncle who gets introduced to fucking hypnotize. He's a smooth guy who while having terrible advice about ladies, also has good takes like "Smart girls are where it's at". The reason Miles confides in him more than his dad.. is easy to see. Aaron actually takes the time to reach miles on his level and try to gently coax miles into not totally hating his new school instead of saying WELL YOU'D BETTER LIKE IT. I mean Jeff is the better person, no question, he's killed exactly no one and for a cop that's impressive, but Aaron genuinely loves and supports his nephew even more than originally. It makes the contrast that much more horrific, that this perfectly kind, cool as hell guy.. can also casually hunt what he can CLEARLY tell is a child like a monster across a subway. It's no wonder finding out who Aaron is really rattles the poor kid.

It also makes his face turn that much more effective: it'd be easy to assume given how UTTERLY terrifying the film made him that like the comics, once Aaron finds out he wouldn't give one iota of a shit that this is his nephew. Instead Movie!Aaron.. is utterly horrified. Mahershla Ali does a hell of a job conveying the man's horror when Miles takes off his mask in a last ditch effort not to get choked to death, with Moore likewise conveying miles pain and desperation incredibly. The animation is also flawless here as you can just see Aaron realizing what he almost did.. and what he's likely done to counltess others like miles. How many kids did he kill simply because they saw something they shouldn't have? The horror is clear... adn the tragedy all the more painful when Kingpin coldly snipes him. All his power.. and aaron dies, encouraging his nephew to keep going and to be better. Aaron is an incredible character here, suprassing the already great original and I look forward to seeing more of ali in Beyond.

Finally we have Doc Ock aka...

The casting was genius idea.. that i'm baffled WASN'T always the plan. Originally Ock was supposed to still be a man and a bit more big lebowski'ish. And while it means we missed out on Steve Buschemi as the green goblin, one of the directors suggested Kathryn Hahn, all around queen of awesome and perfect fit. It also fits the story better: Dock Ock being "Gasp" a pudgy guy who looks a lot like me? Not a huge suprise. But a scientest we simply see in the background and assume is someone shady, but turns out to be dock ock complete with soft robotics tentacles? Fucking brilliant. It plays genre expectations against us: normally the messy haired science lady is on our side, as peter assumed.. instead Ock is fully on board with this scheme and even actively decives kingpin to get it thorugh. Oliva is ock in every sense of the word and is easily our heroes most dangerous opponent that isn't king sized. It takes THREE spider-men to wear her down and a fucking truck ex machina to finish her. Hahn, as usual has a lot of fun with the roll and it's no shock disney wanted to get in on this, and I can't wait for Agatha coven of chaos after her amazing work on Wandavision. Hahn is just neat and Olivia is great. Also nice subtly saying gay rights with Liv being implied to be Aunt May's ex in this reality too. Did it also involve a nuclear explosion on an island off of canada? One can only hope.

Odds, Ends and Sick Beats

So character wise we only have a few left to go over. First up is Rio, Miles supportive kind mom. She dosen't get a ton to do here but what we see is great and like Gwen, it's clear the writers realized they didn't use her as much and the sequel dives into her more and makes her just as important as her husband.

Then we have Ganke. In the comics, Ganke is miles lego loving best friend, his closest confidant and he helps ease the tension of being spider-man.. but given said tension drives the whole plot here, I get why they eased back. The other reason.. is understandable if disapointing. See the MCU Version of Ned Leeds, Ned Lee.. is basically Ganke. Close friends with our spider-man? Likes lego? bit of a nerd? Serves as his "guy in the chair". All check. And ned is great, he's fantastic and if I ever get to the mcu trilogy, i'll defintely have plenty good to say. It just meant Ganke had nothing to really do and is thus off to the side for these films. It's disapointing but I can understand it.. and he still gets a great scene in the spider-people trying to avoid him.. also Peni was blushing like mad. I need followup on this ship next film crew.

We also have Stan's cameo.. which is heartbreaking, but man was it good and it served as a great tribute to the man without being meant as one. It also gently jabs at his huckster nature with the no refunds sign. Oh stan... I miss you man.

Finally we have the films soundtrack. It's so damn good and it uses music beautifully: It has standouts like What's Up Danger, which i've talked about. Sunflower which thematically fits the film and the miles gwen romance, and Hypnotize, which perfectly sums up who aaron is when he' s not stalking children like some sort of feral cat man. I was going to talk about it more in depth, but it's just fanatastic.. and frankly this review is both horribly behind as is. It's a great sountrack and an all timer, both in the music made for it, the ones chosen for it and the backing tracks. Stupendous

So that brings us to the end of this long look.. and it should go without saying by this far in.. this film is a masterpiece. It's great as an adaptation, phenominal on it's own, groundbreaking, and I'll be revisiting it again and I feel terrible I didn't because I noticed so much more the second time around. This project has been a lot.. but it's also been some of the most fun i've had ont his blog. As i've already announced... we will be doing this one more time for beyond, and possibly again for across' theatrical release as that seems like it's not going to be as soon as Sony hopes. Either way i'm still shooting for the films current release date in march, so we'll be back with this in november or december with some other spidey plans in the mix as well. So thanks for taking the leap with me.. and hopefully you'll stick around. Until then... thanks for reading... and remember.. anyone can wear the mask... especailly you.

[canyouplzjust]

Jane Lane's Falling Rain

In the Grid we sat around the living room of Les's austere apartment firing questions at him, watching him wade through The (data) Stream, while I tried to feel safe after escaping Centerpoint Station following Corvath's ominous words. Echoing in my head was the way he had warned us that we were making waves, and that the Black Skulls were probably on their way to clean up the mess we made. Any by clean up he meant kill anyone we were nice to, and then kill anyone who's body they want to take and play with later. Fuck Max and fuck the Black Skulls, they'll never catch us. I also keep running back the moment of total loss of control I experienced when I took the anti-Dictator gag off of Corvath, and he simply told me to kneel. My knees quivered while I was on my way down. Is this what I've been doing to people this whole time? Jesus H Christ. No wonder they love me. I'm going to tell Hardy to just breathe and maybe he'll finally get the respite he needs.

We learned a lot in the Stream, and Les was projecting a portion of the results into the room, so while I knew we weren't seeing everything he was seeing, it was still really cool to have the holograms illustrating everything we were learning. Very sci-fi, and Les looked like a pro doing it. He gave a final call, "Anything else," he asked before closing down the display. "Can you search for my sister," I blurted out, and a random request returned quite an unexpected result. "It looks like you have a club here, named after you and your sister, its called Jane Lane's Falling Raine," Les showed us what he found and we all sat around confused for a moment. Well, I was confused about how my sister got here, and I assumed the others were considering that I might have lied to them about being in The Grid before, but I guess those thoughts were fleeting because the next question I got was when I wanted to go check it out. Did I think it could be a trap? I think everything is a trap - that's how I'm still alive. But it wasn't a trap, it was a Pandora's box of emotional and sexual confrontation with a dj and a disco ball.

It is around this time that I should take a moment to explain who Cyph is because I met him and I liked him and I hope he stays around for a while. He's Les's ex-boyfriend who clearly never got over him, but he's also kind of a mooch because he's been staying in Les's empty apartment while we were in, well, while we were gone. It has either been 3-5 years for Cyph, I have been insistent that its best not to nail people down about time frames, but I am apparently the only one who feels that way. Whatever, he's a card and his accent is adorable, and he def knows how to party. He actually said he was gonna mention the club to me, because it was weird that I was there with Les, and seemed different, so I guess we're going to investigate that together. I'm not trying to take Les's inventory, but he seemed awful cagey with Cyph and I can't figure out why. Sure, he's a little shady and he looks like he would only have to make one phone call to get crack if we were in my city, but there's just something I trust about him. He's got the disposition of a puppy but the reflexes of a cat. Seems valuable to me. Also his new bf is both hot and cool, my two favorite things.

So, we got dressed to go to the club, and it was a lot of fun, making our outfits from digital scratch. I could see the character designer Les peeking out through the seams of the Neo, and I was really impressed by what she could do, and how effortless it truly was. Did you know she's like a totally famous game developer back on Earth? I don't really play video games, but I'm in nerd-culture enough to have heard about them, and have seen her name once or twice. Certainly a more glamorous life than mine has been for the last 15 years, I can tell you that. Well, I stepped into the glam of a neon red dress (it actually glowed), and I talked Didi out of wearing dread-falls and Rory looked like an actual angel. (pic below)

On our way to the club, in the Johnny Cab, we were buzzing with excitement. We rolled up and I led the line of adventurers with a stride, to the door under a big hologram of myself, flickering between positions like a neon sign. The man at the door looked confused to see me, but I barked at him and he moved like a dog. And we were in! The club was bumping, daytime and nighttime don't really exist here, but it felt like midnight and the music was pitch perfect. I don't have to explain that we did a lap and found the VIP room, and waited for this infamous "Jane Lane" to show her face. Well, she didn't. I was invited into a back room, so i left everyone to their own devices, and I asked Didi and Hardy to stay close. The others, well, their own appetites took them off in different directions.

Les scampered off to charm some evil looking high elves pushing Fair Gold around on a small table. I don't know if his plan was to get spit roasted in a semi-public setting, but it sure seemed like it was going that way while they were licking their chops and pulling him onto their laps. Across the dance floor Rory was making out with the goddess of excess (I didn't catch her name), and her ethereal grinding turned the party UP while I was in the green room, pulling out my .45. Rory's expression of romance inspired Cyph to seek the pleasure he truly wanted - and he walked right up and punched one of those chauvinistic, sadistic elves right in their stupid face. Les was won over, it was like that Tiffany song was happening to him, even if it was just for a moment, and Cyph was a hero.

Oh, yeah, so of course it was Raine. Of course it was my sister who never played the game and she looked like a ghoul and she looked like an echo of a person. I told her she had to stop being me, and that she couldn't have my life, and she said that she could take my life if she wanted. She had a crazed look in her eyes and didn't seem whole enough to have any judgement or compassion. I pulled out my gun to get some space between us, but she rushed me and knocked it out of my hand. In the struggle she stabbed me in the ribs, and didn't stop screaming until I told her to calm down. When the crying had died down to a whimper, I asked her how she got there and she told me that I brought her to DIE. She said "You carry me everywhere you go," and I knew that it was true. Raine was distraught about her meaningless existance, so I told her about what she had been doing in the real world. I told her that she had saved my life, that she had never given up hope on me, even when everyone else had, and at the end of my ten year battle with drugs, that she was the one who got me into rehab the final time. She was the one who got me into rehab every time, actually, and hearing the value her life had to me seemed to imbue this Raine with a little bit more fortitude than she previously possessed. Good. I told her I was going to meet my friend Morpheus later and that I'd ask him to help her, that she could feel better and it wasn't always going to be so empty. Then I called out to Didi in the VIP room, Raine knew her, too. She appeared concerned about the wound, but played it cool while we got Raine dressed and got her makeup done. Just like a friday night at home in so many ways. Raine came out with us to the dance floor and then we just had like a normal night at the a club. (with my face on the outside of it) Les, Rory, Hardy, Cyph and Aeon were all there on the floor, and soon we all felt ecstatic within ourselves. It was a moment of actual fun, carefree connection, and the blood was hardly visible on my red dress anyways. I was looking around the room and I caught a vision of Max across the sea of frenetic movement. I wasn't high, it was him. We locked eyes for a few seconds before he dashed off towards the back of the club. I followed him as fast as I could, but there was no one in the darkness under the stairwell, just a solitary pay phone illuminated my the light of my red neon dress. It rang. I grabbed it immediately, begging to hear the sound of Max's voice. It wasn't the Fallen Master, it was real Max. I knew him.

"Max? I'm here for you. I'm coming for you." "...." "How close am I?" "You're close," and he was gone. Click.

I scrambled the others to try to look for him, but he wasn't anywhere. But we were close, I knew that now.

Before we left, Didi and I went upstairs with Raine to put her to bed. I told her she could keep using my face for the club, but that she would feel better if she worked on being her own person. I told her that Morpheus would get in touch with her, and that her club was really awesome, and she had done a great job cultivating it. Then we sent her to bed, shuffled out the front doors, and we all climbed into the Johnny cab to go back uptown. And get breakfast, obviously.

[purpleturtle9000]

do Echo and Lee technically count as a third pair of disaster twins

They don't mind that Echo's quiet, because there's enough going on in their own mind without adding someone else's thoughts to it. They can come close to getting lost in themself, sometimes, but Echo's always there to draw them back out again. With a comic or movie, or in some cases, a grenade stolen from Tello.

Well, they can't say their life is boring.

"Could throw it back at Tello," they suggest. There's a vent near the desk in the lab, for when things get caught on fire and need to be aired out, and they know from experience that they can fit small objects through it.

There was, after all, The Incident Of The Crab. Not the blue one that Heiwa is bonded with, but a regular one from the store. Tello screamed hysterically and somehow ended up sideways through the window with their goggles off.

Leonardo laughed so hard he started crying. Despite the fact that they were then grounded for the Tello torture, Lee considered it all worth it.

They're pretty sure that they can avoid getting in trouble for this one, though. Pep likes candy corn, and Echo 'accidentally' 'borrows' things all the time. And equally important, Tello comes running whenever they think that Pep is distressed.

Why Tello insists they're not a parent to Pep, Lee doesn't know, but its not their business. They just like the opportunities it presents.

I'll give you a six-ounce box of candy corn if you keep Tello out of their lab for five minutes, they text Pep.

Leonardo complains sometimes about how even the young blues have phones, but it's the easiest way for them to all stay in touch. And it's easier for Tello to track them, when they run off to do 'some weird shit'.

There's no response to their text, but a minute later, they hear Pep wailing like he's been abandoned. Perfect.

The door to Tello's lab slams open not ten seconds later, and they rush past without looking at Lee or Echo once. They might not have even noticed the two of them there.

Lee outlines their plan, and Echo goes along with it, like he always does. He'll be doing the work, since Lee makes a much better lookout. They learned that the hard way, from the two times they got busted because Echo just skedaddled instead of warning them.

They're a long ways from the lab by the time Pep stops crying. One of the nice things about Tello is that they're completely unable to tell when the crying is fake, and are worried regardless. Very convenient.

Pep shows up to collect his candy and disappears with both the promised reward, and a warning not to go into Tello's lab until he hears something explode. He seems vaguely disapproving but says nothing to get them to stop. Why interfere with free candy?

For better or worse, Lee's half-forgotten about the grenade by the time there's an explosion and a shriek in short order. Oh, right. They convinced Echo to blow something up. It's surprisingly easy to do.

"Think we're gonna get in trouble for that if they catch us?" they ask.

They can't see anything of Echo, just the several blankets he's been wrapped up in for twenty minutes, but they can hear a snort of laughter.

"Trouble if they catch us," Echo agrees.

Which probably means they should be running right about now, but it's not like Tello is actually going to do anything. The only thing faster than an angry nerd is a protective brother, namely Alpha.

Besides, Echo is half asleep already, curled up against their plastron with his head tucked under their chin. He likes being held - needs it, really - and Lee never minds being the one to hold him.

Who else could he trust? No one else has been through what they have. Leonardo comes close to making them a trio, but he was only in his prison dimension for a few minutes. Lee was there for days, and Echo, a full year. And Leonardo hasn't lost nearly as much as them.

They lost one twin, and found another. Echo doesn't make up for their three dead brothers, but he doesn't try to. It would be worse if he did, Lee thinks. But as it is...

Losing their first twin hurt. Being with this one doesn't.

It's the only simple thing in their lives, and somehow, Lee's okay with that.

[johnstagecomedycom]

Instant Mastery Syndrome

IMS is when a person reads a couple of articles, watches a bunch of videos and quickly becomes an expert ready to give a TED Talk on the subject. It's sort of a man thing. We call it, "going down a rabbit hole".

It's the exclusive reason I will not watch backyard beekeeping videos. I know what happens. I end up custom making a hive in my backyard, cultivating a colony and buying a queen bee off eBay.

I don't even like bees; I'm allergic to bee stings; I don't consume that much honey; I can't stand farmer's markets. None of that would stop me though. I would just bring honey everywhere I went, giving it to my friends. I'd just be the bee guy and have all kinds of bee facts. They have five eyes and two sets of wings. They can fly up to 20 mph. Boy bees are called drones and females are called worker bees. Bees are the only insect that produces food for humans. Honey never expires. You need twelve bees working their entire life to produce one teaspoon of honey

Ya, I'd the honey bee guy. Sure I'm bitter, but I have honey.

I blame IMS.

You have to be careful when you're in your 30's and 40's. That's about the time you get a hobby. Your hobby will define you, so pick a good one. Do you want to be the ghost hunter lady or a tree shaper. Do you really want to be known for pickling or candle making or soap carver. Want to be the model airplane guy or the guy who makes playlists. How about underwater pumpkin carving?

What you want to be associated with is something cool, like a guitar guy. People think guitar guys are cool. Guitars are the biggest cover up. Really good guitar players are fuckin' nerds! Root notes, minor thirds, diminished chords, sus. If you got that, you're a nerd. People like guitar guys though. They rock; they shred.

Don't be a magician. Magician. It's funny how we're all nice to magicians to their faces, but make fun of them behind their backs we make fun of them, relentlessly. "I'll be he has a deck of cards on him. Last time I talked to him he found a coin behind my ear and stole my watch." There's usually a magician in the audience that thinks I'm not talking about them because they only know 2-3 tricks. No, I'm talking about you. "I'm not a magician. I'm an illusionist." You're a 'delusion-ist', thinking you have friends.

Instant Mastery Syndrome.

The worst hobby is fitness. I don't know who's more annoying - someone getting fit for the first time or born-again Christians. I don't want to hear about your ice-bath or eating clean or your new kettlebell work out. I'll put it to you straight, "We need to take a break from being friends. Call me when you're fat.

I don't care about your gym's amenities or how tough leg-day was. Keep your workout selfies and protein regiment to yourself. I don't care about creatine. I don't want to know your sleep schedule. I won't hear another word about your Core. Does my middle finger fit in your core?

Call me when you're back to eating pizza, smoking cigars, and drinking beer. I'm sure I'll see you in six months.

I am guilty of IMS. Every time something breaks in my house, I go immediately to the internet. I rewired my dryer in the laundry room. I can heat the whole house with it. Don't put cloths in there. They'll catch on fire. I put in a new light switch in my bedroom. Now there's two things in there I can't turn on.

I am terrible at plumbing. Every time I pick up a wrench, my wife picks up the phone. "Who are you calling, a plumber?" "No, a divorce attorney." My wife's patients drains faster than our kitchen sink. The only thing fixed in my house is the dog.

[adamwatchesmovies]

Australiens (2014)

While I didn't enjoy this film, that doesn't mean you won't. No matter what I say, the people involved in this project did it: they actually made a movie. That's something to be applauded. With that established...

Australiens walks into the room like it’s about to be your new step daddy but it couldn’t be more wrong. The creativity started and stopped with its title. The rest is all downhill. I can forgive the horrible special effects but the jokes are horrendous and the characters worse.

17 years after a close encounter with a flying saucer, Andi Gibson (Rita Artmann), her brother Elliot (Doug Hatch), and her bandmates Cam (Tamara McLaughlin), Keith (Lawrence Silver), and John (Joe Bauer) spot an alien ship. It’s a full-blown invasion focussed squarely on Australia. Convinced she’s the key to ending the conflict, Andi leads them on a mission to save the world.

I’ll get the special effects out of the way. At best, the aliens’ ship look passable. When they start firing beams and knocking over buildings, it isn’t convincing but you give this low-budget venture a pass. Then, you get to see who pilots those ships and any good faith you might’ve had vanishes. The creatures look so awful you expect them to start giving you directions to some run-down tourist trap or the college multimedia course. Still, you might dock Australiens some points but admit the movie is worth checking out if the writing was worth a damn, which it isn’t.

It takes about 2 minutes for Australiens to make a joke about Uranus. The first time, I'll give it a pass (partially because a child makes the joke) but a similar comedic affront comes around every 20 minutes or so. That’s the level of writing we’re talking about. It’s like the movie is telling you it’s going to be garbage right away with horrible performances and a wig so unconvincing you’re not sure if it’s purposely crap. You’ve run out of fingers to count down things the movie does wrong when it suddenly flashes forward to introduce us to the story's REAL protagonists. At least we're making our way towards the end credits. That's something, right?

Each of our heroes is either an annoying stereotype or irritating for another reason. Andi is obsessed with spacemen, which is understandable considering she saw one as a kid and is witnessing an invasion. Keep that in mind when I say she takes things too far. Even her bandmates are fed up with her talks of little green men. They’ve got bigger things to worry about because they collectively have less musical talent than a carrot. If your protagonist isn’t going to be competent or intelligent, they better be charismatic. Failing this, they better be funny. If not, you get someone like Andi.

The rest of our main characters fare no better. Elliot is one of these cartoon nerds that doesn’t exist in real life. You can predict every single one of his lines from the moment we see him puffing on his ashthma inhaler as a kid. I had given up on the film long before he started talking about a strange lump on his testicles. I hoped it wouldn’t get any worse, but it does. This Tasmania-obsessed script lasts a gargantuan hour and fifty-one minutes. In bad comedy time, that roughly translates to a thousand Earth years.

Once in a while, the movie will manage to catch you off-guard with an amusing gag. Does it redeem it in any way? No. The attempts at humor are so lazy it’s the kind of thing you’d see high schoolers come up with. Seeing it delivered by “professionals” fills you with a level of embarrassment that threatens to be fatal. I know you’re not supposed to take what happens in this story too seriously but there isn’t even any attempt to make the plot make sense and at several points it looks like it’s about to try and tie things together to make multi-layered gags… and then Australiens just gives up. You'll be in agony until its post-credit scene.

Australiens is the kind of movie that’s too pathetic to have a Wikipedia page. No one could enjoy it enough to take the time and effort necessary to write a synopsis worthy of the site. Everyone who hates it (so, everyone who wasn’t involved in its production) will be glad to put as much distance between them and this black hole of humour as humanly possible. (January 22, 2021)

[aniron48]

Love Letters - Day 4

I don't know how it's possible, but we're already almost halfway through! You all have made this so much fun, and it's been an utter delight for me so far. 💜 If you're joining for the first time, you can catch up as follows: Day 1 Day 2 Day 3

As a reminder, there will be a post around this time (9pmish EST) every night through 2/14. And for those who are all caught up, welcome to day 4 of Love Letters, a 00q choose your own adventure! Congratulations, fellow nerds, you've unlocked the library. Day 4 starts below the cut.

His next stop should probably be to the library.

“Can I help you find anything?” A librarian with bright pink hair and a beard to match walked up to where Bond lingered in front of the new acquisitions shelf, trying to get his bearings.

Bond opened his mouth to decline, but he only had an hour and a half before he had to be back at MI6 for a meeting with the Budget Office, and not much idea where to start. Besides, he’d made sure nothing he borrowed could be traced to him, anyway. He’d taken out the library card in Mallory’s name.

“I don’t suppose you have any books on love letters?”

“Books about love letters? Or with examples of them?”

“Yes. Both. Either.”

“Well, you’re in luck. I pulled a few things that might be of interest for our Valentine’s Day display. It’s just over here.”

Bond followed the librarian, whose name badge read “Kai,” to a table decorated with construction paper drawings of candy hearts. They picked up a book called Indelible: Queer Love Letters through the Ages. “This just came in last month, and it’s gorgeous. Give it a look and see if it’s what you need.”

Bond took the book to one of the nearby tables and began to page through.

Before he knew it, nearly an hour had gone by. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, exactly. Perhaps that love letters from real people would be somehow less than the fictional letter Austen had written for Captain Wentworth—less profound, and more prosaic. There were mundane bits, to be sure, but somehow even they were suffused with light; enhanced, rather than diminished, by the love that brought them into focus.

“I just miss you,” Vita Sackville-West wrote to Virginia Woolf, “in a quite simple desperate human way…I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal.”

And there was profundity, too, a humanity that banked itself like the embers of a fire against the darkness that threatened to overwhelm it. Near the middle of the book, Bond found the letters of Wilfred Owen to Siegfried Sassoon. 

“And you have fixed my Life—however short,” he wrote, almost a year to the day before he was killed in action, barely a week before the end of World War I. “You did not light me: I was always a mad comet; but you have fixed me. I spun round you a satellite for a month, but I shall swing out soon, a dark star in the orbit where you will blaze.”

“What do you think?” Kai asked, returning to Bond’s table.

Bond cleared his throat. “It’s perfect,” he said. “Could I check this out?”

“Of course. I’ll meet you at the circulation desk.” 

Kai took Bond’s library card and scanned it, saying as they did so, “You know, the editors of this anthology are putting together a companion version of contemporary letters. They’re asking people to send in copies of letters they’ve received, to show what love looks like now. If you’re fond of love letters, you should think about sending some in.”

Bond looked down at the circulation desk, rubbing ineffectually at a scuff mark with his finger. He thought of a flooded building in Venice, and all the hopes that had collapsed with it; of the dozens of married women and the handful of married men for whom Bond had been an excuse to pretend, for an hour, or an evening, or a week, that their lives were something more than a string of indistinguishable, empty days. He’d been happy to let them, at the time. He’d been using them for the same thing, after all. But there had been no love letters for him, either, even if he’d never felt the lack until now.

“No,” he said after a moment. “No, I don’t have anything I could send in.”

“Well, you never know,” Kai said, handing over the book. “Valentine’s Day is coming up. You might get lucky.”

“You never know,” Bond said, slipping his library card back in his wallet. “Thanks again.”

As he walked back to MI6, the book safely wrapped in his jacket, he thought, finally, that he might have everything he needed to write Q a proper love letter.

I made up the title of the book Bond looks through, but the love letters (and many more like them!) are real. You can find the letter from Vita Sackville-West here, and the one from Wilfred Owen here.

[nocturne-pisces]

*holds out hand* gimme virgin!Jake Jensen content please

For Science

A/N: we're going to ignore that this took me like... way too long. ilu kink twin.

Pairing: Innocent!Jake Jensen x Reader

Word count: 3.3k

Warnings: This is porn with plot. Don't come for me.

Pooch’s son’s first birthday was a pool party in the middle of the summer, the sun beating down on everyone’s back as they tried their best to keep from getting burnt. Well, everyone except Jake, who insisted that he didn’t burn. You’d managed to talk him into a 20 spf, knowing that he only did it to keep you from hovering, but he still ended up red as a lobster come sundown. He hadn’t even felt it yet but the bright red that painted across the hard muscle of his shoulders called like a neon sign.

“Jesus fuck, JJ, can you not feel that?” Sitting around the fire pit you reached a hand out and poked him in the shoulder, the skin where you touched turned white before flooding back with deep red.

“Not really, just feels a little tight. Why, is it bad?” He tries his best to get his head to turn on his neck so he can see over his shoulder, but it doesn’t afford him much of an angle and he just ends up looking ridiculous.

“Yeah, real bad. C’mon, let me put some aloe on it.”

“Listen, I-“ Jake started to refuse, be it pride or guilt that kept him from wanting to be taken care of, you didn’t really care.

“You can either come in the house and let me put aloe on the sunburn or I can go find your laptop and send your google search history to your sister, Captain.” Jake hated when you used his rank against him. You’d been the last to join the team but you outranked him only because you’d been in a different specialized branch before the Losers.

“Yes, Major.” He threw back, shaking his head as he took another sip from the beer he held. You stood, ruffling the spiked hair on his head before turning towards the back door.

“Good boy.”

You missed how he nearly choked, the praise catching him off guard and sending a burning through his limbs and his cheeks. Pooch didn’t miss it though, a knowing smile spreading across his face as he watched the two of you retreat, calling after you, “There’s some aloe in the guest bathroom!”

You didn’t look back, waving your thanks before you heard Jake slide the glass door shut behind you. He followed you all the way up the stairs and down the hall to the guest bedroom, the attached bathroom dark before you flipped the light on. He leaned against the door frame, or he tried to, as soon as the temperature contrast hit him, he jumped back to attention and sucked a breath in through his teeth.

“Dumbass,” you muttered, rolling your eyes as you searched through the cabinet under the sink to find the bottle of aloe that Pooch had mentioned. You located it in the back of the cabinet, pulling it out and ushering Jake back into the guest room before pushing down on his shoulder so he’d sit down on the trunk at the end of the bed.

“Be nice, I’m injured. The sun beat me up.” You cocked your head at him, giving him a stern look where his bottom lip was hutted out melodramatically.

“The sun didn’t beat you up, you just didn’t put on sunscreen like I told you to.” You don’t see the smile that pulls at Jake’s lips, he loves being care for by you, no matter how much disdain you show for it. There’s something in the neighborhood of maternal that takes you over every time he gets hurt or shows discomfort, something in you that wants to wrap him up close to your chest and keep him safe. He’s large and goofy and awkward and so smart, too smart for his own good and you can’t help but want to protect all of his optimism from all the monsters you knew existed in this world. But he signed up for this just like you did and you had no idea how someone as golden as him ended up in some of the dark places the team ended up in.

You squirted the aloe into your palm, rubbing your hands together to warm it up so you didn’t shock his skin with the cool gel.

“Shirt off, nerd,” you said, nudging him with your elbow. He reached behind his head and grabbed the back of his collar, pulling his tank top up and over his head, leaving the rippling muscles in his back in plain view. Your mouth watered, just like it did earlier when he pulled himself out of Pooches pool and his trunks clung to his thick thighs. Even that wasn’t the first time you’d been confronted with this urge to sink your teeth into him.

The initial sting of your hands on his skin is uncomfortable as he tries to squirm away from you.

“I know, I know I’m sorry, give it just a second it’ll stop,” you soothe, gently spreading aloe over his shoulder. You could feel the muscle rolling under your hands, his body reacting to your touch like your fingers were electric and his skin is conductive.

His head drops between his shoulders as the current takes over, static fuzzing at the edges of his brain and all he can focus on is your hands, the sun warmed body so close to his that if he leans back just a little bit, he might explode from the feeling of your exposed skin on his.

It takes you a few moments to work the aloe across his shoulders and back, tracing back up to make sure you ventured over the red on his neck. When the pads of your fingers slide over the soft spot under his ear you hear the low groan that rips its way through Jake’s chest, followed by a choked cough; like he was trying to cover it up, but the resounding silence lent you the acoustics to hear how hard he swallowed.

“Are you okay?” You took your hands back and Jake wanted to whine from the loss.

“I uh- yeah, I’m fine.” His tone was heavy as you watched a new flush creep over the tips of his ears and into his cheeks. You climbed off the bed and out from behind him before you stepped into his line of sight, wiping the remainder of the aloe on your old t-shirt. When he opened his eyes to look up at you, you took in the deep red in his cheeks.

“Is your face burnt too? I can put some aloe on it—”

He cut you off with a shake of his head.

“No, I just- uh,” he anchors his jaw shut and swallows again, like he either can’t or doesn’t want to say what he needs to say.

“What is it?” You kneeled in front of him, concern painting your features again as you looked up into his face. He turned his head, avoiding eye contact so that he didn’t have to see your amusement when he admitted it.

“You just uhm- I don’t get a whole lot of uh- affection, and it’s affected me.” Your eyebrows knit together when he finally spits it all out, not understanding at first, but then he squirms in his seat and it clicks into place.

“Oh. No worries, Jake, it happens.”

You didn’t laugh, you didn’t judge him, you weren’t mean. You treated it like a bodily function that everyone was prone to. Your hand rose to cup his cheek, turning his gaze back to yours so you could give him a soft smile. The dopey, love sick smile that he returns sets your heart thrumming a violent beat against your ribs.

He catches your wrist and holds your hand against his face, the stubble on his cheeks prickling into your palm. “I’m not- I’ve never,” you watch him struggle to tell you what you already know, his smile fading, and you can’t do it anymore.

“I know.”

His electric blue eyes snap up to yours, the question dancing in his pupils as he lets go of your wrist.

“You know?”

“Yeah, but it’s okay. Everyone has their own timeline.”

“What if I want to change that?” He asks, anxiety laced and unsure.

“Then change it, but don’t rush it because you feel like you have to fulfill some kind of quota, or because you feel like you’re on a time limit. My best advice is to just make sure it’s something you want and that it’s something you’re ready for, usually it feels better if it means something.”

You give him another soft smile that tears open the floodgates behind his ribcage. As you stand and try to retreat from the room your pulled back when his large hand circles your wrist again and he stands himself, preparing to chase after you if he needed to.

“What if I want you to change that?”

You turn, eyes wide as you gaze up at him, appraising his words and reassuring yourself that they were rooted in truth, rooted in something deeper than physical.

When you spoke, your tone was gentle, but it was still a warning. “I would tell you to make sure it means something before you cross that line.” You could see the gears turn in his head, the careful calculations that he was making as he added up everything and then subtracted his inhibitions.

For an all-consuming moment you don’t think he’ll do it, you think you’ve scared him into inaction, but then he closes the gap between you and places your hand back on his face; right where he feels like it belongs. You’re pressed up against his still-shirtless torso when he lets go of the breath he feels like he was holding for far too long.

“It would mean the world.”

“Then get to it, Captain.”

His hands are at your waist viper-strike fast, heaving you up and against his chest while your arms wrap around his neck.

“You’re gonna have to show me what you like,” he says, panting, millimeters from your mouth.

“You’ve always been good at taking orders,” you respond, your fingers threading into the hair at the base of his skull before you kiss him.

You capture his bottom lip with yours, tongue laving over it and dipping inside to dance with his when his jaw drops open with a groan. He takes a couple haphazard steps towards the side of the bed, one hand catching the back of your head so he can lay you down gently underneath him. You pull back for a moment, gently removing his glasses from his face and setting them on the mattress next to you before you hook your foot over his hip and flip the two of you over.

There’s a moment when you lean down to kiss him again where he felt like he was being descended upon by an angel, your face the only thing in focus against the blur of everything behind you. He’d seen your face so many times in so many different contexts before this moment that he believed he could write a novel, but the portrait that hovered above him was worth more words than he thought existed in the English lexicon.

He was solid under you as you steadied yourself against his chest, the rapid thump thump of his heart under your right hand. You connect your lips to his again, languid strokes of tongue on tongue, slowly memorizing the taste of the other. Big, warm hands glide up your thighs, squeezing the flesh of your ass under the fabric of your shorts. They ghost up to your hips and roll down against his jeans, delicious friction against your clit behind bathing suit bottoms that leaves you gasping.

Jake feels the intense heat creep up his neck, a carnal need to hear that hitch in breath again. Another roll leaves you under him, the assault of his lips moving over your jaw and down your neck. He wedges his fingers under the hem of your shorts and bathing suit bottoms, pulling gently as you angle your hips up to give him leverage. They fall to the floor in a pile, your shirt and bikini following.

The vast expanse of skin under him sends a jolt up his spine, a soft fuck falling out of his mouth when he leans back to take it all in. A giggle trills through the room, your soft laughter bringing his attention back to your face. You anchor a foot on his chest, a gentle shove has him catching your ankle.

“You know you can touch, right?”

“Oh, I’m gonna…”

He leaves a soft kiss on your ankle, trailing them up your calf, lowering himself down on the bed so he could leave open mouthed kisses between your thighs. His gaze trained on your face the whole time, determined to decipher the meaning behind every little sound you made. The sweet musk of your wet washed over him when he left one final hot kiss on your mound.

He wasn’t completely inept, he understood anatomy. There was just a lot of information rolling around in his brain that he had never had the chance to put into practice. So, when he spread you open with his thumbs, flattened his tongue, and licked a hot stripe up your cunt, you keened for him.

Jake loved how you tasted, sweet and heady on his lips as he sucked your sensitive bud into his mouth. He pulls another gasp from your chest, curling up to wrap your fingers in his hair and keep him in place. The tip of his tongue circled it inside his mouth, your whole body beginning to tremble.

“Fuck, Jake, waitwaitwai…”

You felt him grin against your skin, pressing your thighs into either side of his head when they locked him in place. His blatant insubordination resulted in the snap explosion of heat in your belly, your spine bowing off the bed as he swallowed down every drop you gave him. It didn’t really matter to him that he couldn’t breathe, he’d gladly go out like this.

Ecstasy verges on overstimulation and you reach between your legs and push at his head, a wet pop sounding when he released you. You stared at him wide eyed, like a new threat had presented itself.

Jake climbed back up your body, gazing up at you through his lashes as he gave attention to each of your nipples in turn, large hand cupping and kneading the one his mouth wasn’t on. Your skin goosebumped under the rough pads of his fingers.

“Are you sure you’ve never don’t this before?” You were breathless, the spark he was setting alight across your skin blazing into a rolling fire.

“I’ve done some stuff,” he replies.

“Well, then allow me to bridge the gap.” You reached between your legs and tugged on the belt to his shorts, freeing him from the confines of his clothing quickly and with precision. He stepped off the bed long enough to drop his shorts in the floor, the swollen red tip of his dick bouncing off of the cut of his adonis belt. You to let another gasp fall from you when you took in the size of him.

His eyes moved to the sound, alarm spreading across his features. “Is everything- I mean we don’t have to- I know it’s not—”

“I swear to God if you’re about to say I know it’s not much I will actually have to swing, Jensen.”

“Hey, be nice. He’s shy.” Jake took himself in hand, pumping lazily, a cocky grin replacing the insecurity.

“Jake…”

It was his last warning and he apparently knew it, too. The bed dipped when he climbed back between your legs, holding himself up on one arm.

“Last chance to back out,” he says, the pleading look in his eyes telling you he didn’t want that in the slightest.

“Stop talking.”

You hooked a leg around his hips, bringing him forward enough so you could grip his leaking cock. He let out a hiss, the muscles in his stomach going taut when you guided the head through your soaked folds before it caught at your entrance. Jake held himself above you on shaky arms, mentally fighting back the urge to bury himself to the hilt in one swift movement.

“C’mon, slowly,” you encouraged. He started forward, the slow sear stretch of him filling you bowing your back off the mattress, mewling when he bottomed out.

“Oh, fuck,” he panted, taking breaths to keep himself from making this an incredibly short experience.

“Yeah? You like that?”

He answered with a frantic nod, line of vision trained on where your bodies were joined. He pulled out just as slow, opening groaning when you spread yourself open for him.

“Fuck, look at how you stretch this tight little pussy open, Jake.”

“You really gotta stop talking,” he pants, seating himself balls deep, your mouth falling open and eyebrows knitting together, “yeah, there it is. Read enough on reddit to know that look.”

Jake reaches up and yanks the pillow out from under your head, folding it in half and lifting your hips enough to shove it under your ass, a large warm hand gliding up to the apex of your thighs. He applies pressure with his fingers against your mound, finding the bone of your pelvis and then the soft spot right above it. His hips venture back again, angling his cock for an upward thrust.

“Shit!” Your eyes screw shut, the head of him punching right into your g-spot. Jake gives you a triumphant smile, hooking his hands under your knees and folding them up into your chest. Next time he would take his time, take you apart and find every little spot that pulled sound from you. Right this second he wanted to split you open and mark you as his, make you crave him late nights on missions and early mornings when you were home; wanted your thoughts consumed with him and what he does to you. Even if he’d never had much practice, he wanted to perfect the art with you.

Jake kept a constant pressure on your soft mound, pushing your spongey spot down into him while he thrust in and out of you, his own face screwing up as his spine threatened to turn to concrete. “C’mon beautiful, I gotta have one more before I let go.” Your legs shook violently around him, his thumb tracing down your slit to find that pulsing bundle of nerves.

“Fuck, Jake faster, fuckfuckfuck,” your nails bit into his forearm where it held him up next to your head, each skin slap meeting of hips punctuated with a soft grunt and sharp ah!. The strumming at your clit picked up, stealing all the air from your lungs as Jake put you right on the edge and then pushed you over. Your legs locked around his waist, keeping him seated as deep as he could go, the pulsing of your cunt milking everything from him as his own strangled moan fell from his lips.

He collapsed on top of you, the warm weight of him welcome against your rapidly cooling skin.

“Not so bad for a first timer,” you pant, hot breaths against his neck that make him shiver.

“Stop breathin’ on me or I’ll have to do it again.” He bit down on your shoulder playfully, a pained groan coming from his chest when he slid himself out of you.

The two of you laid like that for a moment, catching your breath, reveling in the contact of bare skin.

“I’d do this again. Y’know, let you practice, for science or whatever.”

Jake pulls his head out of the crook of your neck, soft smile spreading across his face as he processes what you’re saying to him.

“Yeah, for science,” he agrees, leaning down to press a soft kiss to your lips.