#going without a haircut for months has been... an experience

[kiyomitakada]

Mello for the character ask?

oh silly mello where would we be without your silliness

favorite thing about them: god i don't reread the mello parts of arc 2 enough to pick. uhhhh. i like that he's legitimately brilliant and that he figured out kira can kill without heart attacks on his own just by studying the death rates in the months before higuchi was caught. he's a wildcard but he's also a strategic genius. i also like that he is insufferably extra WHY does he have a christian cross on his GUN

least favorite thing about them: called misa stupid. fuck off

favorite line: "i don't underestimate revenge as a motive." that OR "then i guess i'm going to have to do it"

brOTP: the actual answer is halle and mello but i've talked about them so i am going to say him and matt <3 i am constantly undecided on whether this is platonic or romantic to me but i love that mello is like "okay im going to japan now. follow me" and matt is like "what the hell, sure." what is wrong with them. matt do you not have anything better to do. also matt trying to get mello to take over his job monitoring misa is so funny to me it's such a weird injection of frat bro culture into death note of all media

OTP: meronia forever. love story of all time in, again, death note of all media. truly fucking insane how it's basically confirmed that mello didn't plan the kidnapping to beat near but to save him. mello is the only character! in the entire series! to actually experience positive development! puts aside his inferiority complex because there is no race without near, because near needs him, because he needs near, because they are two halves of one whole and mello has always known something is missing in him and only figures out who it is five years later. what the fuck man. extremely sad that this realization is exactly what gets him killed

nOTP: i have not yet figured out the appeal of mello/light although i am sure i could be convinced. mello deserves the older yagami

random headcanon: i talked about this a little while pondering fem!mello but i like the idea that he got a lot of passive aggression for his haircut in wammy's which made him absolutely determined to keep said haircut forever even when he starts not liking it anymore. and after the explosion he's like [lying face down on concrete, waves of pain racking his twink frame] i……… have an excuse to change my hair now……………

also the blue lipstick is because he heard from somewhere that blue was L's favorite color

unpopular opinion: i don't think of him as catholic :pensive: it's possible that he used to be and is lapsed? or left the faith? but i usually see his extremely aggressive use of catholic stuff as decoration as more of a fuck you to the idea of god than anything. the one thing that contradicts this is the rosary (mihael whyyy do you wear the rosary around your neck in plain view whyyyyy) but i wonder if it's more of a, like… comfort object than anything? if that makes sense?? i don't knowww i don't really see mello as someone riddled with the catholic guilt that most catholic-mello interpretations give him. however i am not a mello understander so perhaps i should read more meta to figure out his Deal first

on a higher thematic level i like this interpretation of the christian imagery for both misa and mello as symbolism of them worshipping a false god (light and L respectively)

and OH WAIT I REMEMBERED MY ACTUAL UNPOPULAR OPINION: i pronounce his real name mee-hyle kale. the way soichiro (english dub) does it. sorry.

song i associate with them: i found this song just last week (i'm late i know) but oh my god

I'm gonna get myself in fighting trim Scope out every angle of unfair advantage I'm gonna bribe the officals, I'm gonna kill all the judges It's gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage Our mother has been absent Ever since we founded Rome But there's gonna be a party when the wolf comes home, oh

god it's just so. it just sounds like him. it's gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage!

favorite picture of them:

im obsessed with the shading on this. it doesn't make any goddamn sense. how did livor mortis set in that fast???? he's drawn with pale skin everywhere else in the manga! he should be turning paler in the first few minutes after death! i know they probably did this to be dramatic but what is going on here!

(also i have feelings about mello dying with eyes open and L dying with eyes closed. nothing coherent but. gestures)

[keeskiwi]

I had a transgenderization surgery 1 month ago and I got the clear to stop wearing my post-op binder yesterday, and I keep feeling the desire to write out my thoughts somewhere but not knowing where, and then I remembered tumblr is The transgender website, so, you know, why not.

I had a double incision top surgery on January 30th. It feels pretty surreal in some ways. I first started experimenting with gender things in late 2010, grabbed a binder from Underworks in 2011, then kind of coasted along in a state of "well, a haircut, name change, and some new clothes have been working out for me mostly well enough and my breasts aren't that big anyway and maybe it's not a big deal even though every year I'll research if I can make my insurance cover it just in case and daydream a bit about something horrible happening that would require my breasts to get removed, with a side of quietly burning with envy when I see someone else get medical care for their dysphoria." For. A while.

Late 2022 I finally decided I would bring it up with my doctor, and after over a year of horrible insurance wrangling I finally ended up with a consult in early January, and then suddenly they called me back and said they could squeeze me in by the end of the month.

January 30th I got up at early-o-clock, went to the hospital, met my surgery team, got knocked out, and woke up with a new chest. I'm really glad I didn't have to travel for surgery and was back home that evening. Between that and having two partners (one of whom has had top surgery himself) to care for me afterwards, I feel really grateful.

Anyway yeah, this was the most significant surgery I've had before. It was your standard double incision, although I opted to go without nipple grafts, for a couple reasons:

I had heard that nips were kind of tricky healing-wise, and as a health-anxiety-prone kind of person I didn't really need the extra fear of something going wrong there in my life.

Especially because I didn't have any particular attachment to the idea of nipples in the first place. Sometimes I wonder if this was an extension of wearing a vaguely skin-tone binder for the past decade+. Any time I saw myself with a flattened chest, it was without nipples, because they were being hidden by the binder ha.

Additionally, a thing I've struggled with wrt medical transition is that it often feels like the goal for my agab is to transition towards masculinity, and while I'm okay being mistaken as male (especially over being mistaken as female) it's actually kind of important to me that I'm...not male? Masculinity as gender neutrality is something that really irritates me. I'm not any flavor of trans guy. So going no-nips felt like a way to make a conscious change to my body that was perpendicular to the masculinity/femininity binary.

And finally, while exploring the concept I found out that some people really hate the idea of people transitioning to having nippleless chests, because to be human is to have nipples (I guess?) so removing your nipples was trying to remove yourself from humanity (I??? guess???) and while there's a LOT to unpack there, as someone with only a passing identification with the concept of humanity I found this appealing in a "don't threaten me with a good time" kind of way.

Maybe I'll just get tattoos of wasps there instead.

The first time I saw myself at my first post-op was like--my chest is covered in incisions and tape and dried blood and marker and swelling but somehow it was still the most comfortable and appealing thing I had ever seen, and I keep feeling kind of amazed? I think that I had been really focused on like, specific Things I Could Do Post-Top Surgery, like wearing better-fitting T-shirts or taking my shirt off during the summer when it was hot, and I didn't fully realize just how...good it would be just existing? At first I thought it was hyperbolic thinking, but the more I consider it the more I feel that I've spent more time voluntarily looking at and interacting with my chest in the past month than I have the whole rest of my life. Some of it was forced aftercare from the surgery of course, but I lose a bunch of time each day just getting caught in front of mirrors. I didn't realize that I could like the way I look under my clothing so much.

And things like, realizing I've been saying "my chest [euphemistic, regretful]" in regards to my breasts my whole life, so I keep wanting to say "I don't have a chest anymore"--but the thing is, I do! I do have a chest still, and "my chest" is now something I feel happy to claim because I got to choose it. It's a little ouchy and lumpy and at the moment it looks like someone taped poison ivy to it because my skin finally got sick of the surgery tape and staged a revolt, but it's still the best chest I've had in living memory, and it's only going to get better from here.

I'm just really happy.

[youremyheaven]

Princess here. Hey babe how are you?

I feel like you're the only anon left here 🤭🤣

I currently have a slight cold and feel a bit out of it but I'm going to use this opportunity to do a bit of an inventory for 2024 as it is the end of the year. If anyone's interested, you can do the same and drop me askszz

Things I did in 2024:

1. Moved away from the place I lived in for 8 years 😭

2. Grew my hair down to my ass and then cut it chest length??? (My first haircut in like 3 years??)

Not all growth is meant to stay. Sometimes we grow in ways that help us protect ourselves during difficult circumstances but you can't live wearing your armour 24/7, so it's important to shed the layers we've accumulated every once in a while (me philosophising the heck out of my hairdresser telling me my hair is damaged and needs to lose length lmao 😭😂)

3. I cut off friendships I'd maintained for 8 ish years. Just because something has lasted a long time doesn't mean it has to stay. Especially if things aren't working out.

Don't tolerate disrespect and don't hold on just for the sake of it.

4. I went to therapy for 3-4 months and then I quit therapy

I needed it at that time but I'm also glad I quit when I did because I felt myself microanalysing everything through therapy speak and it wasn't healthy lol

5. I went back to my ex after 6 years and then it gave me the reality check I needed and I promptly left him

6. I dated someone who treated me like a princess but still somehow didn't respect me or value me lmao (yes, they exist)

7. A friend I had for a long ish time behaved inappropriately with me when he was drunk and despite having a gf, told me he thinks I'm hot etc etc this cemented my belief that men and women could perhaps never actually be friends

8. I started abusing substances after being sexually abused.

I never thought I'd have a substance addiction era bc that's sooo not me like no one would ever think I was a chainsmoker but that was the lowest point of my life this year. I didn't brush, shower, eat or even get out of bed for weeks. I stayed high and drunk bc I felt so unsafe in my body and was dissociating severely. I'm so glad to have recovered from it and move past it and to have had someone in my life who held my hand through that journey bc it was messy asf and I have sooo much compassion for people who stay stuck in that loop for years and lose so much of their time, like I completely get how easy it is to lose yourself entirely

9. Adult relationships are so different??

I wish I had been in a relationship in my early 20s or when I was in college so that I could get a little bit of a crash course on this stuff and not feel so overwhelmed by expectations bc im already 24 and things start getting serious at this age 😭😭

But I'm also glad I stayed single throughout college bc it really helped me solidify my own identity and understand who I am, what I want and what I expect. I think 18-22 are very personality cementing years and I'm kinda glad that my personality wasn't shaped by a romantic relationship even if I was madly in love with someone all those years (unrequited, one sided stuff). The act of being in love with someone unconditionally like that has perhaps altered me in ways I can't even express but I'm glad there's no trauma or drama to recall from that experience

10. What someone tells you when they're angry is exactly what they've been thinking of all this while.

11. I make my own money??? And pay my own bills??? And I have a job that I like??

12. You don't know a person until you live with them. Don't ever marry anyone you haven't lived with 🫡🫡

13. Sex is nothing special without love

14. Had really good sex and really bad sex

15. Met new people, made new friends

16. I modelled??? I've done a couple of photoshoots now??

17. Had ₹80 left in my bank account and still somehow survived

18. I learnt to cook and I loveeee to cook now

19. I got a tattoo!!!

20. I got many more piercings

21. I resolved a 1.5 year long "crush" twin flame esque situation I had with a guy

22. I travelled 💛

23. Built a new identity for myself 🫡

24. Restarted my creative journey

25. Lost touch with myself and then now I'm finally going home to me

[astroyongie]

Blackpink December Reading 2023

Note: Jisoo's surprise ! Please enjoy and take it lightly

Jisoo

Love: I believe that Jisoo is still with the actor and that the breakup was just a media play (like most idols when they say they break up after 4 months and they don’t). She is mostly focused on establishing her image rather than concerned about her love relationship 

Career: Currently she is really struggling with what she wants for herself and for her career. It feels like Jisoo has ideas that cannot be conducted which frustrates her a lot. Her relationship with YG isn’t on the best terms either 

Self: She is overall happy with her life. She has many opportunities outside of singing. Jisoo is focusing on herself, on her image, on her relationship, and on her family as well, spending time with the people she loves

Jennie

Love: Jennie is in a relationship but feels like the relationship is forced like she is being clouded by the other person and unable to express herself the way she might have wanted to. Jennie is slightly frustrated by how things are at the moment. I feel like she has to cut a lot of people she used to get out with, cut the people she is with

Career: Jennie knows her career is established and fans will support her no matter what she does. She is just overwhelmed by the choices she has since some of them need her to break some of her personal values. In any case, expect some projects done by Jennie next year

Self: Overall she feels frustrated by her current life and wishes she wouldn’t need to be this way. I feel like she has also brought some physical modification on herself (this could be from a simple diet or haircut to a plastic C.) 

Rosé

Love: As expected, Rosé is dating at the moment and things seem to be going rather well for her since the realtionship is flourishing into something rather stable and financially pleasing for her. I could be wrong but this feels like it is someone who works in the industry 

Career: She is also dealing with some complications when it comes to her career, but Rosé has all of her affairs dealt with when it comes to YG. Her choice brought her more happiness and fans just need to trust the process 

Self: Honestly she is in a good place, she is happy, she is financially stable and wealthy and all the career opportunities keep flowing as well. She isn’t worried about her future and enjoying her life after the complicated year she had 

Lisa 

Love: Without much surprise, yes she is dating Frederic and things are going well If not better. There’s financial stability, there’s passion and there’s also authority. I feel like he is the one taking care of her and her career, and she is allowing him to sponsor whatever he wants 

Career: As expected, fans shouldn’t be too worried about her career, since Lisa will keep doing what she does and pushing forward. I believe that her music will be the focus of 2024 but she will also appear on different shows and endorsements 

Self: She is happy, she is healthy at the moment and Lisa has also been trying her best to spend as much time as she can with her family, and her childhood friend and just enjoying the fact that she is rather free to experience a good life 

[hotcat37]

deaf! Jere x Tommy concept drabble i wrote for @gigshoe <3 (for details, they're in their early 20s here and the setting is in Finland)

Tommy was admittedly already in a pretty cranky mood when he woke up that morning. He's got another day of long unpaid hours for his internship waiting for him. He knows it's a great opportunity and it's the experience that counts but still. Knowing that he's got another two months of hard unpaid work ahead of him isn't exactly motivating.

So when the Estonian feels a gentle tug at his sleeve while waiting for his train, his first instinct is to feel annoyed. He'd been minding his own business staring off into space and hoping no one would bother him. No such luck it seems.

Tommy turns his head towards whoever has disturbed him, not attempting to hide the scowl he knows he has on his face, ready to hit the unsuspecting person with a "I don't speak Finnish." But his eyes meet big blue ones and the brunette momentarily forgets all about his plan. He stares into the winter pale face of a man whose jet black eyebrows furrow together in concern at whatever look is on Tommy's face.

Oh crap. The stranger looks a bit intimidated, fiddling with the yellow phone in his hands, clearly too nervous to say anything now that he's been scowled at. Tommy's eyes involuntarily soften at the sight of the other man. Poor guy. He probably just spend a while working up the courage to approach him and here Tommy is fixing him with his resting bitch face.

"Hello." He greets the guy in English, trying to encourage him with a smile. "What's wrong?"

Big eyes stupidly blink back at Tommy for a second before they redirect their focus to the phone screen. The Estonian raises an eyebrow when the stranger starts to delete and re-type a text but otherwise uses the moment of distraction to get a good look at the man. The guy appears to be around Tommy's age, youthful face flushed slightly with a blush.

Pretty.....

The next thing he notices is the somewhat silly haircut the young adult is sporting. Tommy can admit that he somehow makes it work, though. And even if he didn't, the brunette would appreciate the eccentric hair anyways. Then he spots specks of neon green in between the black and when Tommy squints he realizes that they must be hearing aids. Aha. The man's behavior makes more sense now.

Is this train to Joensuu? Sorry if is a weird question, I never go there 😅

The deaf Finn still looks rather timid and Tommy surprises himself with the overwhelming feeling of wanting to comfort this cute guy. Must be the oversized black coat making him look extra small. As if Tommy could easily scoop him into his arms.

"Yeah, man. It's the third stop. I'm actually going there too." Tommy confirms, hoping it's enough to reassure the other man that there's no need to feel intimidated.

The small Finn seems....weirdly surprised. As if he didn't expect Tommy to actually answer him. Damn. Is his bitch face that bad? How many hot folks has he scared off with just his expression alone without even knowing it?

But then the stranger beams at him with such a sweet smile that Tommy involuntarily mirrors it, feeling his chest buzz with something warm and happy.

Thank you so much!! :D You are going to work in Joensuu?? :0

And where usually Tommy hates random small talk, with this guy he's very much eager to keep the conversation going.

"Eh, kind of?" The Estonian shrugs. "I mean, it is work but I'm not getting paid."

At the concerned frown on the stranger's face, Tommy hurries to clarify.

"It's an internship so-" The man doesn't seem to know that word, cocking his head to the side like a confused dog. "Ah, uhm, so I do work for a company but I'm not getting paid at the moment 'cause I'm not a real employee. It's just for experience, y'know?"

The small Finn makes a little noise as if to say oh. It's the first sound he's made so far and Tommy can't help but soak it up like a sponge. This guy is fucking cute, he can't deny it.

Experience is good yes yes but is shit that you not get money 😢

Tommy quirks a grin at that, amused by the stranger's bluntness. "Yeah, it is shit. But are you getting paid or you a poor intern like me?"

Delicate fingers fly across the keyboard, Tommy very much endeared by the other man's enthusiasm to conversate. He can't remember the last time he's had such a fun interaction with a random person.

I get paid! ^_^ Today is my first day as photo man 📸🔥

For a guy who doesn't speak, he sure is expressive. Tommy is quite enjoying the use of emojis.

"You're a photographer?" At the other man's nod, Tommy beams. "That's so cool!"

For a split second the deaf Finn looks genuinely surprised again, staring back at Tommy with wide eyes, before his lips also split into a wide grin. It's kind of funny how quickly things have progressed between them in less than 10 minutes. Just as Tommy is about to pipe up and say more, a distant honk alerts him that their ride is headed towards them.

"Train is here." The Estonian informs as he points to somewhere behind the guy.

The man turns his head, just for a second, and Tommy is painfully aware of how he immediately misses having those big blue eyes focused on him. There's just something about this stranger that draws him in.

The Finn in question seems oblivious, turning to face Tommy with that infectious smile of his.

Let's go!! 🏃💨

He dutifully follows after the shorter man as they head towards the train. People are steadily streaming into the wagons and Tommy tries not to smile when he feels the stranger press against him to avoid being shoved in all directions. The Estonian spots an open seat in the back and doesn't hesitate to sit down. His companion does seem a little unsure, though, likely wondering if it's okay to sit next to Tommy. If their interaction was just a one time thing.

The brunette pats the seat beside him with an inviting smile and it's enough to get the Finn to finally move.

Their shoulders brush against each other and it's rather surprising that Tommy doesn't immediately feel the urge to pull away like he always does whenever he has even the slightest physical contact with a stranger. With this guy it's very much welcome.

"Hey, what's your name?" Tommy gently nudges the smaller man by extending his hand once the chattering on the train has settled down. "I'm Tommy."

The stranger seems quite relieved by Tommy's introduction, eyebrows knitting together into a hopeful expression. He types something at lightning speed, holding up his phone so Tommy can read the message with one hand while the other takes the hand extended towards him. Very soft, the Estonian notes.

I'm Jere! :D

[ja0-s-blank-canvas-fic]

Part 4 - Chapter 5 - Fresh Start

Blank Canvas Part 4

AO3 - here

Fanfiction.net - here

Greetings, dear readers! We're back with another update! And this is kind of a celebratory one on my part.

If you don't follow the tumblr or don't use the discord, I've been having a stressful month since last update. Once again someone posted part 1 of BC as a podfic on youtube without my permission. This time wasn't as cut and dry as the first because I had to seek legal consultation on what I needed to do. I've worked really hard on this fic and am not afraid to fight for it. Anyway, despite the stress, the video has been removed. However I need to state for the record that I do not and did not give DN WhatIf permission to post my work. Same for Plush Books from the first time. This statement has already been added to part 1 and I will add that to the others as well.

So there's that. Anywayz, here is a fun chapter for you. We've got more teenage shenanigans because they're all just a bunch of kids who need to blow off steam. Let the kids be kids. :)

Warnings for teasing of course because they're kids. :P There's some gossip sharing with the girls but not exactly teasing. There might be snippets here and there but not many note worthy. There is one at ["You made sure..."] that's a bit stronger. That's about it though.

Linktree to all the things!

End notes for the chapter are under the line.

Izuku's got a new do! Again, I love undercut Izuku. He's so stylish! I will say I know nothing about cutting hair and just went with what I found via google. I haven't ever really experienced the use of clippers, but I based the feeling off of when they did that weird headphone thing for Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln at I think Disneyland. It was a special version of it and you got to experience audibly someone walking into the room from the back, a fly buzzing in your ear, and getting a haircut. It made my hair raise and skin crawl because it sounded so real. Just so weird but an interesting experience.

Got some gossip going on. Ashido is the gossip queen. Also it was fun messing around with Izuku being one of the girls. They're a fun group that need more love. ^____^

Still some tension when it comes to Katsuki and Izuku. But for me, since Kamino there's a shaky bridge build between them. Still needs some structural work but it's there.

More ShinKami bonding! :D With Minecraft. I like to play that and actually it was the first video game I bought myself. Anyway, when I mentioned Kami announcing 'iron!' when finding it is something I do. :P I also like to use cheat codes personally. Sometimes I just want to play and don't need a challenge.

When it comes to Izuku having OFA, I believe the ones who know about it are Aizawa, Nezu, Tsukauchi, All Might, Gran Torino, Recovery Girl, and Shouto. Oh and probs Hound Dog for therapy purposes and Midnight for backup in case Aizawa isn't there. And then that group plus the Kamino rescue kiddos know about AFO being Hisashi.

Fun Facts About Japan:

This actually spans past Japan but the symbolism of cutting one's hair off. We see it a lot when a character is trying to cut ties with their past. Like in Avatar: The Last Airbender with Iroh and Zuko or in Tangled with Rapunzel. For various different reasons. But it's about cutting off what is hurting you and starting over as a new you.

There are Japanese origins to the tradition though going back to the samurai. Their traditional hair style called chonmage ( 丁髷 , ちょんまげ ) was a status symbol. If they were to leave their post, whether by choice or dishonor, they would cut the top knot off. In modern times, sumo wrestlers have a retirement ceremony that involves cutting it off as well.

There's more to it than that but just a gist. Here are some more links you can check out if you'd like. :)

Another fun fact is the Japanese tendency to do the group gasp. Like seriously it is very much a thing. I think I mentioned this back during the USJ in part 1 but we'll put it here as well. The funniest one I experienced was in Harry Potter world down in USJ in Osaka. We were in the wand room and I was the only foreigner in there. And every freaking time something magical would happen they all together would ooh! and aah! and ooo! and eeeh?! as a group. And I'm just doing my best to keep quiet giggling to myself while the team member running the show is trying to save face even though he was clearly amused by my amusement of them doing that. It was just so funny and endearing!

Got one more for ya, though this one is not so fun. For the students at least and that is summer homework. It is indeed a thing that they have to do every summer to keep up with their studies. In Japan, summer break is roughly two months I believe. From around endish of July through part way through September. In that time, the expectation is for students to complete their homework and attend to club activities.

Alrighty! That's all for this chapter. I want to thank you all for your continued readership if you've stuck with me this far. Next up we'll be moving on plot wise and going into training for the provisional licensing exam. Until then, stay safe, be well, and try not to do anything illegal. :P

[emmaelt]

On being diagnosd with AUDHD

It’s so unbelievable. I’m learning so much about myself this year, I keep joking I’m having an ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ year but it’s just ‘Body, Brain’. Maybe there's another B I'll find before the year is out.

With perspective, I don’t think I’ve really ever had depression - the only antidepressant I’ve tried is one that works best for ADHD people and now I know that that’s me it makes sense! - I think I’ve had meltdowns, burnout, and sensory issues the entire time? And I just always (tried to) push through and do my best but it’s never really gotten any better for me and my brain.

But now it’s like my entire life has been foggy and blurry and I’ve got glasses! Like my mum's story about getting glasses as a child and realising the trees have leaves from far away, or looking up and seeing actual stars. I feel like that’s what Adderal has done to me this week. But not just with being able to finally have a singular thought, but also in terms of day to day stuff that used to be actually painful for me.

I can put my clothes away now without crying first? And I still get sensory issues with stacking the dishwasher, but I don’t need to like psyche myself up for it as much. I’m not constantly narrating my own actions or having like an internal debate about every single fucking thing I have to do? The Autism stuff is still there - I’m reading this really fascinating book called ‘Unmasking Autism’ by Dr Devon Price that's really fucking me up (in a good way). But now that I know why I find things difficult, I can ask for things I need. I'm beginning to understand my own needs after supressing them for so long.

I went to the hygienist earlier in the month, and for the first time in my entire life I did not cry in my car from overstimulation after because I wore earplugs and had my noise cancelling headphones? And when I booked my haircut (first in over a year!) I told them I’d get overwhelmed and I don’t like wet hair on my neck and I’d wear headphones/earplugs, and the lovely person said if it was too loud they’d do it upstairs where it was much quieter! Who knew that I could ask for things I need, and most people would accomodate me?

I also am starting to let people know when I’m talking to them that I’m audhd and they seem to like me more? I don’t know, that one’s hard to explain, but the book I mentioned says that phenomenon is backed by experiments and research?

My brain is just 100 miles an hour but all going in the same direction now instead of bouncing about in a chamber like atoms or something. I can follow one cohesive thought from the moment I have it. Difficult (bad/negative/troubling/intrusive) thoughts are harder right now, because I can't distract myself from them as well.

So far on the meds - I know that my body always overreacts to meds/is more sensitive, so we started at a really low dose and even so, wow. I was more productive on Sunday afternoon (first dose at 6am that day) than I had been for the entirety of October. I currently have 0 unread emails and it’s revolutionary for me. My husband actually made me take a break because he didn’t want me to burn out, but even so I went to bed 4 hours later than normal… getting maybe 7 hours of sleep from my usual 10 I require is quite a difference for me - and I woke up at 5am Monday ready to go? Who is she?!?!

My brother said he feels that starting meds later in life compounded its positive impacts, as he developed so many coping mechanisms he wound't have otherwise. He said it was like going from 85% effective (70% base + 15% coping mechanisms) to 115%.

I’m so glad he feels that way, but I think maybe he has much lower support needs than I do, maybe because I’m both autistic and ADHD? I would have taken this medication over all of my struggling to learn how to barely manage (not thrive, I feel) any day. I feel like I’ve only ever had maybe 40% effectiveness, even with coping mechanisms. Even with being from an extremely privileged background, being highly educated, and really fucking smart.

How are other people without those things expected to manage?! None of my friends are even able to be seen on the NHS, as their GP's won't even refer them. I’m trying to not feel really devastatingly bad that I’m having such a different experience than them.

I was fortunate enought to have a parent who was proactive, she took me to like a new child psychologist or educational therapist every year when I was at primary school. They diagnosed me with dyslexia, but actually I’m hyperlexic. I eventually got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I got medicated. But it never got better.

It took me 10 different private attempts (8 before I turned 18, 2 since), and the Doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD said I was ‘very clearly over the line for both inattentive and hyperactivity’. I’m really struggling with that because… I’ve got better coping mechanisms now? How could they not tell???? Well, they didn't acknowledge you could be both autistic and adhd until 2013 or something ridiculous, and girls were so rarely diagnosed with autism in the 2000's - so it makes sense I went undiagnosed. I’m really frustrated for my mum, because she spent so much time and effort trying to help me. But there was genuinely nothing she could have done.

Having context for my experiences along with this medication has been life altering... I feel I’ve unlocked my brain’s actual potential and I’m so devastated for past me that I wasn’t able to make the most of my younger years to be this version of me. I found everything so hard for so long... it's going to be really interesting to see what my life looks like from now on.

[flock-talk]

Hi! Was hoping you might have some advice for me? Bit of a long one sorry.

Ive had my green cheek for about 5 months now, and hes always super sweet. Hes only about 1 year old but hes picked up basic training and general manners really well, super cuddly velcro-bird.

The other day I got my hair cut for the first time in months, went from just below the shoulders to a fade, and when I came home he was fine? a bit shocked, but got over it after a bit, was acting his normal cuddly self. Then yesterday when I get him out of his cage in the morning he crawls up to my shoulder like normal and starts attacking me? Nothing else changed either.

I would often have my hair tucked behind my ear and he would try and nibble on my earrings, and he was easy enough to redirect onto his actual toys, but since getting my hair cut hes suddenly super violent and aggressive? When I let him out of his cage in the morning or just when I pick him up, he crawls straight up to my shoulder and starts biting my ears/cheek VERY hard. He'll give me a new piercing at this rate. And when I try to remove him he just starts biting my hands instead. Hard enough to draw blood too, which is the first time thats ever happened.

I've been trying to use treats to reward him for sitting calmly, distract him with toys, but nothings working. He'll forgo his favourite toys and treats that he normally goes crazy for in favour of biting me. I've been having to keep him in his cage for way longer than I want because I can't handle the constant attacks from him.

He's my first ever bird and I don't know what to do at this point :(

There's a number of reasons that behaviour can suddenly flip and without doing a super thorough background dig on your specific bird I can't guarantee a 100% correct answer here

based on the information provided it's very likely a defensive stress response. Birds ID each other visually so when you suddenly change your appearance you're no longer recognizable, they may have reacted 'fine' when you initially changed your hair due to increased stress suppressing behaviour. Think of how young birds react when you meet them in a store, many end up very complacent, slow moving, or even affectionate due to the stress of the environment and strangers handling them. Once they get home and relax their true mannerisms start to show up and they can present more aggressive behaviours and selectiveness as the stress that was suppressing these behaviours is no longer present. So they may have been stressed upon seeing the change and over the following days became more adjusted to the change and are now reacting to you as they may a completely unidentified stranger that has barged in and is taking over the home.

Conures also tend to be very sensitive to emotional changes, becoming overstimulated exceptionally easy and often default to nipping for communication. So it's another possibility that the conflict of figuring out who you are, confusion, and random bursts of excitement or stress release with the changes could be triggering events as well.

I would approach this situation as though he's a brand new bird you just brought home. Give him space, utilize target training for necessary handling, and go right back to the basics with building foundations and trust. I would ensure to keep interactions very short and successful, enter the room, drop off some snacks, and promptly leave sort of things. This may help him be able to observe you, recognize you aren't a threat, and form better associations about the change.

You may find it helpful to experiment with hats, some birds will become more aggressive around hats but others recognize it as being an accessory rather than a part of you and it could help bridge that recognition gap for them. Additionally if there are certain phrases you often say to them, certain tones, routines, or body language you presented with them often prior to the haircut I would ensure to lean heavily in to those to further help them connect your mannerisms to your identity.

As your foundations with this bird get stronger they will adjust to these changes easier and you are less likely to have these massive fallbacks. In the meantime it's important to recognize that they aren't behaving this way to spite you, they're behaving this way because they are distressed and don't know how to cope. During this time you have to meet them where they're at, move slow, and help them relearn that you aren't a threat.

[ragsy]

stillness! for mandog, change for all of them since theres not that many?:3 I love seeing character evolutions

stillness: How does your OC act while still? Are they fidgety? Do they have any common gestures or tics? Does their clothing affect how they hold themselves while at rest?

Mark is SO nervous and SO fidgety-- Drumming his fingers, adjusting his glasses, hands in and out of his pockets. Often, he'll have his arms crossed and head lowered, like he's trying to blend into the wall. Shame he's a dog man and not a chameleon man, tbh. He's just generally a person who looks and acts like he's extremely uncomfortable in his own skin!

change: Has your OC ever drastically changed their appearance? Significant haircuts, big tattoos, complete wardrobe swap, etc? Why? How do they feel about the change?

Mark: A FEW TIMES, YEAH LMAO

I actually drew something similar to this earlier this month:

He spent several years extremely depressed while working at a watchtower in the middle of the woods while ALSO unknowingly possessed by an evil dog spirit that would transform him into a rampaging quasi-werewolf state (the horrors part 1) but he cut his hair about a year before the horrors part 2 when he met his gf Emily. In the horrors part 2, he learned about the evil dog spirit, had his soul fused with aforementioned spirit, and is now partially transformed at all times (the man to dog ratio depends on how stressed out he is at the time)

Emily: Emily has been settled into her current style for years now, but as a kid she experimented with her look a LOT. She would go to school one day dressed in pink hearts and sparkles, and the next day in full Renaissance faire garb. And because it's been forever since I've drawn her, this is what she looks like:

Currently she's been mostly gravitating towards practical comfy clothes (but still in bright friendly colors) due to the nature of the monster hunting project management business.

Sloane/Agent Hill: She's never really had a lot of resources or autonomy to change up her look on purpose-- going from a scrappy street kid to an indentured servitude to what is essentially the SCP foundation has left her without much avenue for self expression. She channels that by means of her snarky personality instead. She's acquired a fair number of nasty scars throughout the years though, which she carries with pride.

Fishwoman: She's perfect just the way she is :)

also she doesn't remember looking any different anyways, so what does she care

Arji: Quite a few wardrobe changes, actually! Comes with the territory of being my dnd character of going on seven years. Most recently, he went from this:

To this. Which is to say he got a different coat and that's it

Sir Dillion: I dunno! I haven't exactly settled in an exact design for him yet anyway. But, he did just buy some plate armor in game, so I should design him SOMETHING...

[cmccle01]

Waiting

Cmccle01

Summary:

Anything i post here could give the whole story away so please just read it.

Notes:

This has been niggling at my brain for a few months now so I hope you enjoy it.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Waiting

She was put here not so long ago that she would forget how her life was. The Father, his wife and sons, the angel, the young boy, even the son of the youngest son.

All family and friends.

Now though, she sits here. She watches as people, and traffic go by.

There are days when the weather is exceptionally clear and bright, making it a delight to experience life on Earth while anticipating upcoming adventures or hunts.

There were days when all she could do was sit there and watch as the rain washed away the old and brought forth the new.

But she had been waiting here for a long time now. Alone with the occasional visitor.

There was Garth.

He and his family stayed in the rebuilt house that had once burned to the ground. It was nice to have someone around to talk to. Their Children (being adults in their own right) would visit to let their parents know the pack was doing well and they missed them. Yes, Garth and Bess stayed here with her. They took care of her. Garth often would come up with ways to keep her up and her hopes high that one day the last one would come for her. The last one of the family she was there for.

There was Rowena.

She had shown up when the younger brother put her there. He had summoned her and asked to put a protection ward on her. So, without a question as to why Rowena did as the younger brother requested. She also put an anti-aging spell on her so there would be no issues when the last one would come for her. Rowena occasionally visited, sharing tales of the witch's adventures with the brothers when her duties permitted, or nostalgia struck. Some good, some bad. Some with happy endings, some without. Rowena would always pat her before leaving and say, “Don’t worry yourself dearie he will come for you soon.” And with tears shined eyes she would be gone.

There was the Angel

Castiel would come and visit too. He would bring news of how her long since gone family was, and she would listen especially when the Angel spoke of him. The one she loved the most. That was the one thing they had in common with each other, they both loved Him. Castiel's son Jack would occasionally accompany him to express his affection towards her. Castiel would often just sit with her not saying a word but just watching the entrance hoping today was the day but there was nothing. And eventually even he would have to leave to fulfill his duties in heaven.

So, she guessed they were all really waiting for the last one to show up.

The Last Winchester.

It was a beautiful sunny day when it happened. Garth and Bess were standing on the driveway next to her when Garth suddenly inhaled sharply and started to pray to the Angel. And then he invoked a conjuring spell for Rowena. They arrived almost at the same time.

As she listened to Garth's explanation, she saw a man walk under the faded 'Singer Salvage' sign. He had the darker hair of his grandfather John, the height of his father Samuel, and the brawn of his uncle. His hair wasn’t long but not short either, kind of between his father and uncle (she remembered many times that the older brother threatened the younger brother with a haircut). She just sat there staring and hoping.

As the group turned to welcome or at least find out what brought him here they all became silent as if this stranger could make or break them. They had all waited so long. Castiel knew him but waited for his introduction. As did the others.

And then he spoke. “I’m Dean Winchester Junior and,” he turned to look at Her “I want to thank you for looking after my Baby.”

And she rejoiced. She had often heard her name from others but needed a Winchester to say it. While the others were actively showing their happiness of having a Winchester back with them the Angel Castiel just walked up to him and extended his hands, one with a set of keys and the other in greeting…

“HELLO DEAN.”

[forgotten-daydreamer]

without more info I don't think anyone can give you the beginning of a good answer on "feeling prettier after quitting the pill". The info that would most help possibly get somewhere is: what does "feel prettier" mean to you in this case? If on reflection it connects to some specific trait or set of traits - like how your skin looks or your physical well-being like the quality of your sleep - then that right there would be a clue. A solid hypothesis would be the pill happened to so something to you, like let's just say made your skin more oily, or drier, or whatever, and that affected something you care about in your appearance. So obviously if it changes to something you feel makes you prettier when not-being-on-the-pill then that's the answer. There could also be psych factors like if you are someone who becomes depressed as a side effect from it then your perspective on whether you're pretty or not could be affected that way, without actual changes in your appearance. Likewise if you hold specific beliefs about what you expect to happen, then yes your bias can both make you see things that aren't there AND manifest real effects through placebo responses, at least for a while, while you're thinking about it. Likewise if you are someone who gets off on the fantasy of becoming pregnant, or being "fertile" then you may also feel an increased libido and therefore more "pretty" from not being on birth control. In the end everyone can have unique responses to different medications. Some people are allergic to certain substances, experience drug interactions, have some underlying condition or genetic propensity that others don't. There are a wide array of possible reasons whatever version of the pill you were on was affecting you in a way beyond what it was supposed to do. I would report any side effects you noticed to your doctor so it can go on your medical file. Sometimes knowing how a person responds to one medication can give clues as to how that person would respond to another, and it may come up down the road.

Hi, first of all, thank you so much for answering so thoroughly!! I wouldn't know how to put it into words - I just feel prettier when I look at my reflection.

My skin didn't improve, it actually worsened a bit, I have a huge dry spot on my forehead, but luckily I have bangs and it doesn't even itch haha.

I gained 3-4 kg which aren't a lot, 60 or 64 makes no difference because I'm rather tall - but my breasts grew a bit of course, just a bit though.

Then, sleep: well, I'm on quetiapine (not for insomnia per se, but I was prescribed it because it also helps with that), so I have a complicated relationship with it. I've been sleeping way too much lately, and I'll talk to my psychiatrist about it asap because it's impacting my lifestyle. Maybe sleeping 9 hrs straight instead of 4-5 per night helps a bit? I don't know, it's not a natural sleep so I wouldn't know, genuinely. Now that I think about it, I quit the pill a month after I started quetiapine, but those two things were not related - I simply wanted to see if I could survive without the pill and honest to god, my last periods didn't even hurt, I literally used to throw up and feel faint before starting the pill and now almost five years later everything seems okay. I will also talk to my gyno about it because I admittedly quit the pill unsupervised...

As for pregnancy, well, I'm a lesbian and very single. I'd love to have children one day but I think I'd prefer if my partner birthed them or if we adopted them. But I didn't start the pill to use it as a contraceptive per se, back in the day.

Hope this isn't tmi, I'm genuinely so interested. I just - I feel like my face is prettier. I didn't change anything after quitting the pill, not my haircut nor hair color, nor makeup. But I look at my face and think "Oh, you're kind of cute actually?" My body is still a big no no for me, I go from feeling like the sexiest person ever to the least attractive creature that has ever walked the earth, too thin or too fat, always the usual. It's mostly my face.

I still don't like it, I can't wait to get braces and a rhinoplasty, but I feel... Idk... Prettier.

Thank you for what you told me so far!!

[marikos-diary]

I guess what would have once been an ED blog will do. I couldn’t think of a good name for a new diary.

So, where to begin? I’m massively upset and anxious. It feels like no one cares about me. I’ve started smoking again after months of trying not to. I don’t feel safe or secure in my apartment building because management is a joke. I am under immense stress and my anxiety is so far out of whack that I have been throwing up and having chest pain. My best friend doesn’t talk to me even when I beg her for help. My other best friend is dead. My beloved cat is dying slowly. My other cat is having litter box issues. I submitted the form to withdraw from my classes for the semester and am planning on taking a year off to get better, but if I am being honest with myself we all know it will take several years at least. So that’s fun. And miserable. I do nothing all day and am miserable because I am too anxious to actually do anything. I can’t take care of myself or the cats or the apartment due to my depression. I am supposed to clean every week on Fridays but I spent all day throwing up from anxiety so that didn’t get done. I haven’t showered or taken a bath in like two weeks. I don’t actually know how long. I did buy some bath wipes today so I will do those before bed tonight and change my underwear as well. I forgot to get dry shampoo. Shit. I guess that means my hair stays gross. As of today I am thinking of getting it all cut off so that it is easier to manage while I go through this. There’s just so much of it and it is so hard. It would bbe a haircut of necessity. But I think I need to.

Anyway. I posted on Reddit for get some showering advice and people were very helpful. That was a positive experience. But then it got overwhelming and now I want to delete the post because there are too many notifications. So I turned my phone on do not disturb. I guess I could also turn off the app notifications but then they would just be lurking in the background waiting. And I don’t know if that would be worse or not. But they do get to be a lo some times.

Boo is on my lap. She is purring and being a soothing presence. I really appreciate her so very much. I was awake crying in bed being miserable and throwing up until 4am last night. And she just hunkered down with me and licked my face and hand and stayed the entire time. And then I did finally fall asleep, thankfully, sometime after 4. I got ignored by my bff all night during my br k down but what else is new. I don know how to feel about that other than betrayed. More on that soon.

Anyway, when I woke up I was so surprised because sweet little Boo was on MY pillow. That’s where she used to sleep!!! Before the big CKD diagnosis. She did that for over 13 years every single night without fail. After going to the doctor she slept in her tower for about two weeks before she started coming to bed again. Except, instead of going on my pillow she went on the other set of pillows like a little princess. Two fluffy pillows all for her! That took some getting used to but mostly I was happy that she was back in bed with me. So she has been doing that nightly for about two months now. That was where she was when I fell asleep. Usually when I wake up she has already gotten up and is in the living room by the window. But today I opened my eyes and found hher on the pillow behind mine!!! I felt so very special. She must yavhave wanted to keep a closer eye on me after th big upset the night prior.

I don’t know what time I will go to bed tonight. It is 9:30 and I am very much still keyed up from my anxiety. Which is… not how it should be working right now. I have taken a shit ton of anxiety meds today and I should be chill.

8am- buspar

I didn’t really feel too anxious mostly depressed all day. So I didn’t take my as needed stuff until later.

8:15pm - hydroxyzine 25mg x2, buspar

That is a new one. I don’t know it does anything for me or if I need a highe dose or not. I don’t know. So I took two and waited. And then something happened and I got so anxious that I threw up and it felt like I probably puked up my meds that I had literally just taken. Si that was a bummer.

So no surprise my anxiety continued to get worse. I tried cuddling with cats, I tried having a cigarette and doing deep breathing. I tried reaching out to support groups online about what was currently troubling me. Anxiety just kept getting worse.

Which leads us to

9:30pm’- Ativan 1 mg x3

I had ten total ish left and I almost took all of them tbh it was so bad. But I wanted to be a good patient so I didn’t.

That just leaves my AP as the remaining medicine for the day. I didn’t take it yesterday and I probably should have but oh well. So I am going to at ieastbtai a half dose tonight.

The building is quieting down which is nice. I can only ever hear people when they are in the hallways, but it is VERY loud when I hear that. It’s awful. I haven’t heard anyone coming or going in maybe an hour at this point. I’m finally starting to relax. It’s nice.

My stomach is still upset though. I was throwing up bile all morning and afternoon and didn’t eat until like 5pm. I’m not like queasy or anything but I can tell my body wants to throw up again. I should probably eat more.

I don’t see myself going to bed any time soon. I was up until 4am last night being upset, and then spent most of today upset. I’d like to have at least a little fun or do something enjoyable. Listen to my favorite podcast maybe. Watch the next episode of the Expanse. I could do that one in bed too which could be very nice and cozy.

I don’t super want to get on an opposite schedule because I like seeing the Burger King ladies in the morning. And I’d like to have some type of a normal life while I recover and heal. But maybe it would be okay just for this weekend. Or at least just for tonight. If I could do something fun and stay up late doing that.

I did plug in my white noise machine last night and left it on ever since. It is kind of helping. It drowns out some of the hallway noise.

I just checked and it is 64 degrees so I went ahead and turned off the ac and opened the bedroom window so that it will be nice and chilly in there when I do lay down. Whenever that is. It could be in an hour, it could be in five hours. But it should be nice and chilly in there and then I will b so warm and cozy. That sounds very nice.

Or, I could stay up until like 8 or 9 and still get to see the Burger King ladies by going as soon as they open. If I stay up that long then I’d have to work to not fuck yo my entire sleep schedule super bad. But I would get to see the morning sparkles from my sun catchers. I don’t think I would make it to 8am so that feels unlikely but it is a nice thought.

So. I got off track. But it was a nice deviation into more pleasant topics.

I guess I want to vent about Charlie but like. Idk. I’m pretty upset about it but I literally only just calmed down like within the past twenty minutes. So maybe I will save that for another time.

I kind of want to go be cozy in bed but I still feels like u am going to throw up so idk. I should probably eat something healthy. But I don’tbfeel capable of that. I du have mini bags of Doritos. So I guess I will do one of those.

Good night maybe. Probably not but maybe.

[cherrywinkle]

When Haircuts Go Wrong

Us girls have our quirks, especially when we’re bored. We look for new ways to entertain ourselves, and sometimes that means experimenting with our hair. Perhaps you want to try out a new trending style or you’re craving the haircut you had a few months ago. But what happens when that DIY haircut goes horribly wrong? Rachel Stevens once said, "Having a bad haircut is quite traumatic!" And that’s why I want to share how my own haircut disaster brought out a whirlwind of feelings, ended up being unexpectedly humorous, and surprisingly, taught me some valuable lessons.

Back in 2018, I was watching some YouTube compilation videos and came across a bunch about hairstyles. They showed people tying their hair into a ponytail and then cutting it, with results that looked effortlessly perfect. Intrigued and bored, I decided to give it a try. I grabbed a pair of scissors, tied my hair into a ponytail, and cut off about 3-4 inches without a second thought.

When I removed the hair tie and checked in the mirror, I was hit with a rollercoaster of emotions. Nearly half of my hair was now very short, and the layers were uneven. The top half was drastically shorter than the lower half, which was barely cut. The difference in length was about 5-7 inches, with the short section being half the length of the back of my head. I immediately regretted my decision, and since no one was home to help, I broke down in tears. It reminded me of that meme where a kid cuts her own hair and starts crying while her mom rushes to help. With school the next morning and no one to assist, I was frantic. I thought about cutting more to fix it but was too scared to make it worse. I worried all night until I finally fell asleep.

The next morning, as I woke up and remembered the previous night’s fiasco, all those feelings came rushing back. I overthought how to hide the mess, ended up tying the short part of my hair, and went to school. Before I even settled into my seat, my friend noticed and laughed, which quickly led to everyone at the table laughing too. I was mortified, and the rest of the day involved endless questions and laughter from classmates. I felt like the joke of the day.

By the time I got home, I started to see the humor in my situation. I realized how funny it was—not just because of my haircut but because of the sheer absurdity of the entire ordeal. From confidently cutting my hair to panicking about the results, it was clear how silly I had been. My hairstyle made me look oddly laughable, like a character designed to be hilariously unfortunate. That night, I went to a salon as someone suggested, and while the result was better, I was disappointed by how short my hair had become, reminiscent of my 4th-grade look. It took two and a half years to grow it back.

Over time, the haircut I had struggled with became a trend on TikTok. Known as the “wolf cut,” this hairstyle gained popularity, with many people trying it out. I watched videos of others attempting the style—some nailed it, while others ended up with amusing results. It was interesting to see how this trend evolved and became more refined compared to my original mishap.

Fortunately, my mistake led to unexpected growth. As the trend continued, I watched countless videos and even followed Brad Mondo’s tutorials to learn how to cut hair properly. I mastered the technique and now trim my hair myself with confidence. I also tried a new style called the Butterfly haircut, which, although challenging and less suited for curly hair, added to my skill set. I can now tackle various haircuts with care and numerous tutorials. I’m not afraid of making mistakes anymore, knowing they offer valuable lessons and that they’re something I can always come back to and laugh at. Along with these lessons, I’ve learned to approach haircuts more carefully, which has also saved me a lot of money.

So, from my emotional meltdown and becoming the day’s joke to learning from my mistake, an uneven haircut is one of those things we might want to forget but end up smiling about later. It’s your choice—fix it, cover it up, or own it. Just remember to learn from your lapses, embrace the humor, and live with confidence. Thanks for sticking around!

[katieslittlethoughts]

turning off the road after waiting for an intersection

well hello, hello, hello. it's been awhile, I won't even pretend it hasn't been. lots has happened and I probably don't even remember most of it. I'll do a very quick recap:

I went to Nice immediately after Paris

Visited my friend in Switzerland before going back to the States

Went to Utah (what?) for my brother's volleyball tournament

Got an apartment in SF

Went to the Eras Tour !!

Started classes

Got a plant

that should be everything, but honestly I might be leaving some stuff out. many thoughts have come and gone so I honestly don't even remember half of my reflections for each memory, but I think I have some more overall thoughts about being abroad, and now, being back.

my entire life I've seen life as a road. I saw one unnecessarily dramatic image of a fork in the road that probably had the some dramatic quote at the top and decided: "that's it, that's life" as if any of us can sum up the experience of living through a simple metaphor.

all the same, I've always been intentional about life's forks...but honestly they look more like intersections to me. I pay attention when there seems to be choices laid out in front of me that will influence the trajectory of my life, if not for years, then a few months. at these intersections.

I don't just consider my options, I sit down in the middle of the road and try to imagine what my life would look like in the scenarios. after deliberation, I choose a path and embrace my choice. now, this has come around to bite me in the ass for a few reasons:

when I clearly made a choice that was not made for me, instead of turning around, I keep going

I end up spending a lot more time deliberating than actually living

so as you can see, this whole deliberating followed by intense commitment has not exactly worked out. being abroad somehow gave me the push I needed to turn off the road and just start aimlessly driving.

so I've been trusting my gut more, exploring different things that interest me, whether it's a haircut, hobby, or fashion choices. I've felt more authentic than I've felt in a long time and I'm definitely glad I've finally let myself start to live without the pressure of abiding by arbitrary rules of the person I think I should be.

[icantalk710]

Look what came in the mail a bit too late! (Though my ordering it too late certainly didnt help 😅)

Glad I got to help Lauren Ashcraft’s awesome issues-based campaign for #NY12 (though not as much as I was hoping to thanks to COVID...). I still love how well she understands the bipartisan corruption behind the systemic nuanced issues we have--not just in that district but nationwide--and her ability to articulate exactly what needs to be systematically done about them (highly recommend podcasts and the indie media she's been on, like her Hardy Report interview) while using her platform to elevate those suffering in the community--all #NotMeUs stuff. And that she did that all with the social anxiety she's mentioned having is impressive haha. 

There were a lot of great similar candidates running this year (Samelys Lopez in my NY-15, Isiah James in NY-9...), and all brought interesting perspectives to the table (and shirt designs I hope are still available 😭). Still waiting on those absentees to see how much they change things, and ugh I'm still getting Tiffany Caban nightmares there, but thanks to Lauren and everyone for running and offering the Left some needed hope.

(Also wondering how safe it'd be to get a needed haircut downtown... 🤔)

"Change never comes from the top on down--it comes from the bottom on up!" -@berniesanders (at Bronx, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/CB_Uc4tAyIe/?igshid=1svj9d74x2cr1

[grimbeak]

pov you haven't seen one of your best friends in six (six??? is that right??? i don't fucking remember anymore) years and you get trapped in labyrinth (1986) for a while and when you eventually get out you find out that he's an evil amnesiac which is kind of surprising but does make sense and you learn that nobody has any idea where he is and then one day. he just fucking Shows Up. and once he stops beating the shit out of you he's apparently a girl now. which judging by everyone's reactions was not public knowledge the last time they met. and she apparently "always knew but just didn't have the time for it" and you have to grapple with THAT because that implies that she probably knew before the amnesia too but just never told any of you (did she feel unsafe? was she scared? what was holding her back? was it you?) and she has a shit haircut that you can't really make fun of without maybe being offensive and is taking probably very unsafe homemade (junglemade) estrogen but she's pretty smart so it's probably like. super estrogen or something you don't know. and she's going by rogue now which is a stupid name in your opinion but you don't know if that's her trying to reject her past self in a trans way or not so you have to respect it. and you ask how long it's been since everyone saw her and it's only been like a month. she just fucking speedran being trans. she explains all that and you say you accept her even though she doesn't care and then she resumes beating the shit out of you, but she has Pronouns now.

kai's having a weird season 3 experience is all i'm saying

oughhh she/her rogue