#having to physically stop myself from elaborating on Everything. there really is just so much to him

[windupaidoneus]

hildegarde has a really neat design! Do you have any more lore for him?? (I realise I’m saying this that the answer is probably “yes”, but I’d be curious to find out anything more!)

I hope this is alright to ask~

omg hello!!! thank you so much, & ofc ofc! i love to talk about him much to the detriment of anyone who followed me before i got into ffxiv LMAO

he's. so much. gestures broadly. raised in garlemald (adopted by a high-ranking family, this did Not go well for him), deserted during the 7th calamity at a whopping 21 years old & stuck around in gyr abania for some time on his own before making his way to the black shroud. stayed there for some time, got picked up by bremondt, & that's how his adventuring journey ✨ started! WOO!!

ok im gonna put the rest under a read more its a LOT of paragraphs bc i write a lot of paragraphs about him always. i still have a few unanswered asks that are unanswered bc i type too much & i had to go to bed before i could finish. it's scary down there

ALSO IM BAD AT BEING CONCISE one day ill have his lore doc written up all pretty & nice & itll be actually digestible. but for now!!

notable things about him: - strong affinity for magic (especially white magic for a long time. blm/rdm are now pretty much on par though) but can do anything. he learnt Everything so he could be able to help others in as many ways as he could - omnicrafter but strongest affinity for alchemy. bc of course - system, which honestly might as well be canon to the wol anyway like ardbert is right there. different headmates have affinities for different classes & all of them have dealt with emet at some point in their lives, directly or indirectly - hes! currently 38. started arr at 26. i try not to worry too much about the npcs' ages but there WAS a 4 year timeskip between 7.0 & 7.1 in his timeline - sibling dynamic with nero due to having known him since they were kids (well nero was a teen but same thing) - shapeshifting that is more out of his control than anything, remnants of the effects of the corrupted light on his body (also why he's got white hair & blank eyes, as well as gilded/whitened scales. which. i only recently added to his ingame design bc i was too lazy to work it out before OOPS) - oh also he has a prosthetic leg & a cybernetic abdomen. due to his um bad self care tendencies. his legs are digitigrade

at the start of arr & for a very long time hildegarde views himself as a fundamentally bad person as well as a monster, & to make up for it he needs to put himself in service of the "good people". he's a beast his allies can sic on their foes, & anytime he puts his wants first he is doing something Bad. he feels responsible for any deaths that happen in the sense that people who get too close to him just... seem to die. this is deeply rooted in his mind due to the siblings he lost back in garlemald, which were invariably pinned on him as the oldest of them. & it doesn't help that people do just keep dying on him!! & so yeah he puts himself in service of others at his own expense & anytime he "makes the mistake" of letting someone get close, or doing something because he wants to, it reinforces a subconscious belief that he will pay for it some day. (cut to shadowbringers) oobh he paid for it (joking. but he really felt it) [ now all of this is really funny juxtaposed with the fact he did go through the hildibrand quests as they were happening so he had like, these bouts of absurd & whimsy that were completely fine but the moment he hit the quest complete sound he'd return to lamenting his existence. it is how it is ]

oh and he did necromancy. up until mid-shadowbringers he was doing necromancy. well. researching it for the most part, as he was trying to find an Ethical way to bring back the deceased (haurchefant.) but because it utilised his own aether he gave up when said aether stopped being viable for much of anything & never came back to it. because the shock the events of shadowbringers caused him prevented him from ever going back to it. he also researched tempering & was trying to find ways to revert it but msq took care of that for him so he doesn't have to worry about it anymore ✨

im sure ive posted about shadowbringers specifically before for him but. gist of it is that due to his studies relating to tempering & magic in general, & the fact he is a white mage by trade to begin with, he realised something was very wrong very quickly. not the specifics of it but he notices the enemies happen to be casting the exact same spells as him, it gets in his head very quickly & he keeps doing it bc well he has to & it's fine if he has to be a sacrificial lamb of sorts teehee! (skips & hops) it also means he withdraws more than usual. doesn't talk much to ardbert about how he feels because he considers ardbert has gone through more than enough at this point. & this leads to himmmm leaning ontoooo emet. the most.

the entire arrangement sucks but by mt gulg he feels emet is the only one who sees him for what he is (a monster) & he's just about ready to give in & try to get to the tempest on his own. which i don't even think would've been possible but emet's suicidal tendencies are a topic for another post. amaurot is fucking agonising, as someone who can't deal with grief At All himself it's like seeing exactly the kind of shit he would do if he had the power to, it's the realisation emet & he are a lot more alike than he'd thought, & realising there is no way this won't end in Someone dying. & god. he's so tired. he's so damn tired of everyone dying on him. for him, because of him, he's sick of it. but it happens anyway. & while everyone celebrates he's so struck by it he ends up getting

really bad nightmares (unconventional approach to breaking down my paragraphs)

that very much could've killed him had emet not dragged himself back from the aetherial sea to play the role of himself in them. the emet present in these nightmares was extremely harsh & cruel, would've led to hilde hurting himself in his sleep. not necessarily something emet was happy to do but he did basically tell the scions they had to take care of his legacy or whatever so it would've been counterproductive to let the wol die. this is how they end up bonding with less like.. weight to it somehow, though it's very one-sided since hilde is not aware this is actually him for real inside his head. its a whole thing. thats already too many words. um well that gets resolved with the end of post 5.3 & um cut to post endwalker & emet is back to life through the 🔥POWER OF LOVE 🔥 (soul subconsciously pulled back into one of the remaining solus clones bc of the want to be there to experience life again this time with hildegarde. CORNY MAYBE. but ever the sentimental. it suits him.)

nowadays he's doing a lot better. he's fine with himself, he even allows himself to get angry sometimes! he's capable of recognising when he's not in the wrong, when he can say no, he even Has Fun. crazy stuff. !!! oh & he's also dating hancock. quite possibly one of the funniest things about him. he has kids. that's without counting all the ones he unofficially adopted or considers himself guardians of throughout the game. he needs to eat a lot bc shadowbringers fucked with his ability to absorb aether & he happens to really like food so it's another thing that brings joy into his life. dawntrail was real good for him in that regard.

um. ! yeah. that'ssss hildegarde. ! i left out a lot probably but this is already so much he's just so much 😭 my most specialest...

[xoxochb]

“you don’t see the vision like I do. I think we should call off this engagement.”

“I’m seeing the vision!” percy protests, dramatically latching onto your cheeks with his palms. “I see it! with my two working eyes, I’m seeing it firsthand!”

you close your own eyes. “tell me what you see.”

“a big room. the basement. it’s empty. but then we add in, like, fifteen bookshelves and fill them up with all of your books. and! wait— we could add those string lights around the tops of them!”

you gasp and your eyes shoot open. “holy fucking shit! that’s genius, percy!”

“really—”

his question is cut short by your mouth over his. it’s an all-messy kiss; teeth clashing, noses bumping into each other, and lips barely even touching as you devour him.

you allow the almost uncomfortable kiss to linger for only seconds longer before you pull away. percy’s cheeks are flushed, tinted red, green eyes dilated.

his mouth opens to speak but closes quickly. but not before reopening again and then repeating the same process.

you make sure your pages are bookmarked before letting your novel slide from your lap as you sit up to cup percy’s like he had previously done to you.

you kiss his nose twice. “I think it’s a great idea.”

“I… can tell.”

you peck his nose again, though slipping your arms slowly around his shoulders as you move to straddle him. “come back to me, my love.”

percy inhales and takes ahold of your waist. “you’re making it hard to think, sweet girl.”

“hmm. quite unfortunate. anyways, I don’t want my books packaged. I want to bring them myself.”

“okay… okay that’s fine, you can do that.” his hands rub your skin soothingly. to soothe you or him he’s unsure of.

“thank you.” you plant a small kiss to his mouth, proper this time around. “I love you.”

“I…” percy chases your lips before you can entirely pull away. two kisses later he reciprocates, “I love you too.”

you repeat— kiss him again and again and again a third time just because you can.

“what’re we up to tomorrow?”

“what if we just stay in bed? all day?”

you consider. “maybe. we still have more planning to do though.”

percy sighs theatrically and kisses you again. four times. “or we could take a break from that.”

you fake gasp. “percy! that’s fine… it’s fine. if you don’t want to get married that’s okay.”

“that’s not—” he fumbles for words, ultimately ending up kissing your pouting lip. “I want— need to marry you. I would marry you right now if you let me.”

“no.”

“don’t complain then.” percy pinches your waist, attaching his mouth to yours simultaneously to stifle your small yelp.

you tug at his hair in response to this, but unsurprisingly he enjoys that far too much, displayed by the uncontrollable groan he lets out into your mouth.

you break apart quickly. “stop. no more of this nonsense. I have to get back to my book, you’re distracting me.”

“I’m not— wait— no— this should be a fifty-fifty decision.”

in your attempt to climb off his lap, percy tightly latches onto your waist and looks at you with a gaze showing that he almost physically needs your lips back against his.

“elaborate?”

“you’ve been reading all day. I miss you.”

you sigh slowly. “and what do I get if I put my book down for the remainder of the night?”

“the best sex of your life.”

it takes everything in you not to burst out laughing. “and to you, this is a fair deal…?”

“yes. I wash your hands you wash mine.” he pauses for a second. “wait— that’s wrong… what’s that saying… that one about you do something and I do something…”

you furrow your brows. “I have no fucking clue. you’re just babbling nonsense.”

“well you know what I mean.”

unfortunately, you do.

you nod and shrug.

“so is this an agreement to my proposition?”

you consider. and think.

“you have yourself a deal!”

[callsign-rogueone]

Heyyy idk if you will do it or not because it might be a little weird request but I hope you do it!

Soo I would love to see how they would be like if their girl was being a little insecure cause she’s a little chubby(chubby girl requesting this))and like how would they comfort etc.I hope you really do it and I hope you don’t find it very weird😅

it's not weird! fellow chubby girl here to declare to you that none of our boys would mind if their girl is a little extra soft. some of them might even prefer it... I'm getting ahead of myself.

if you have doubts, my points are three;

they are all beautiful human beings inside and out, and see you for who you are (and also do not give a fuck what society thinks)

they are all gigantic and therefore all of them could still feel like the strong manly protector even if their partner isn’t Violet-sized

when I started this reply I had a third thing in mind. that was an hour ago, and it’s gone now. I’ll replace it with “and because I said so.”

now, moving on. the kind of scenario that I had in mind is that they hear you say something negative about yourself. and today’s categories are:

1) it would be upsetting how logical they’re being about this if they weren’t so cute while doing it:

I have a whole scene written for Dain and love of him being so sweet to her when she’s upset that her pre-Basgiath clothes don’t fit anymore. the TLDR of that is that she’s still the girl he fell in love with years ago, regardless of her looking different now. he reminds her of that, and that it’s for a good reason, that it means she’s healthy, and that it's part of a natural process. so while that isn't exactly the same scenario, I imagine him still being his logical self.

I know I lump Dain and Brennan together all the time, but he is also going in the logical category because he is also a nerd (affectionate), and the thought of you ever being insecure about anything just never crossed his mind. he does have some experience in the reassurance category via Violet, who is on the other end of the spectrum, but it works the same way. he has the whole "you are more than your physical presence and also there is nothing wrong with looking the way you do" speech down pat.

2a) gives you a very sweet speech about how much they love you

Bodhi owns this category. he might actually cry if you say mean things about yourself, because it genuinely breaks his heart to hear that the person he loves most in the world doesn’t love themself. he’s so sweet and loving to you, but also manages to know precisely how you want to be comforted. for example, and maybe I'm just weird, but when I'm having a "bad body image day" I don't want to be touched. I won't elaborate because I don't want to be negative or triggering. but my point stands that Bo would know exactly what you want in that scenario, and does it automatically.

Sawyer is also in this category, though he'd be a little bit more awkward than Bodhi. him and insecurity are old friends, and while his are much different than yours, he knows how it feels to be embarrassed by just existing. he starts by saying what he wishes someone would have told him two years ago, but nobody was around to (wrong. Love was there for him. as much as she could be, anyway.) and when he gets past the general stuff (promising he loves you, etc etc) and into the specifics, he trips over his words a little, and is definitely blushing a little (a lot) but it's so cute and you can tell it's 100% genuine.

2b) listens quietly to everything you have to say, and THEN gives you the speech:

Cam is rather quiet and aloof, from what we've seen in the books. he's not very chatty, probably because he's trying not to give himself away, but also I think that's just in his nature from being the ignored last-priority son... ANYWAY. he sits there listening, and once you finally run out of steam and stop talking, and you see him there, not having said a word, your heart breaks a little, because does that mean he agrees with you? nope. he was just listening and waiting his turn to speak. he knows the pressure to keep up appearances from being part of the Royal Family, so while he doesn’t agree with the statements you’re making about yourself, or the idea that pretty = thin, he understands that there’s outward pressure to look a certain way, and also rants a teeny bit about how much that's bullshit. (as an aside, should I keep calling him Aaric in these posts? or make the switch to Cam? I like Cam better. idk.)

Liam is an observer through and through. he's also sitting there listening, though he's easier to read -- you can always tell his emotions from the way he looks at you. there's so much softness and genuine sadness in those lovely blue eyes, because like Bodhi, he's so saddened that his favorite person feels this way about themself. I also see him as more touchy than Cam, so maybe your eyes just catch his mid-rant, and you see how he's looking at you, and just break... and he's there to hold you and help you glue yourself back together, holding you if/when you cry, and speaking to you so gently...

3) is more playful about it

Garrick is immediately offended — excuse you, how dare you say those things about my beautiful girlfriend. gets handsy, presses kisses everywhere he can reach, and even proves to you that he can still throw you over his shoulder like a sack of flour. holds you like that, upside down with your legs hanging in the air, until you're dizzy and giggling, your mood thoroughly lightened. if you're up for it, he'll continue demonstrating the extent of his attraction to you long after he sets you back down.

Ridoc is also in this category, to nobody’s surprise. while he's not tossing you around, his approach is similar to Garrick's -- lightening the mood, providing a distraction, and proving to you that you're fucking sexy, and not despite of your appearance, but because of it. of course, both he and Garrick know when to fuck around and when to be serious, so if this was a genuine breakdown on your behalf, he's choosing the 2a or 2b approach instead. he's incredibly emotionally intelligent. and I think his constant joking is partially because he wants to provide others a distraction from all the shit going down at Basgiath.

bonus category: 4) immediately assumes that someone else put these ideas in your head. "who said that to you? I just want to talk to them." (no he doesn't)

Xaden is not tolerating any kind of slander about his partner. but when you tell him it wasn't anyone in particular, it was just your own head, he softens. his response is kinda a mixture of all of the above. we know that he's a speech-giver, but also very physically affectionate with his partner... so expect speech followed by the both of you clearing your calendars for the next hour so that he can kiss every inch of you.

[dontpulltohardman]

Satellite🪐 ･ﾟ: ✧

pairing: tfatws!Bucky x avengers!bsf!Reader

requests: OPEN

asks: OPEN

warnings: angst, Bucky shutting people out, mild swearing, Bucky just needs a hug, mention of nightmares, mutual pining, friends to lovers trope, eventual fluff, a tiny bit spicy, making out, happy endings

word count: 1.2k

summary: Bucky continuously pushes reader away, and all she wants is for him to notice she’s right here, no matter what.

SONG: "Satellite" by Harry Styles

Don’t forget to like, reblog and comment requests are always welcome. thanks so much for reading love you lots and lots like jelly tots🥰🫶🏽

･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧

The training room was quiet, aside from Bucky’s grunts after each hit on the punching bag. He stopped his movements to look over at me, you instantly folded into myself suddenly feeling small under his cold gaze.

He let out a breath before turning away from me pretending to wrap his hands, “Buck?” you say softly while walking up to him, he had been ignoring you all week and you couldn’t figure put what the hell you could have done.

“gotta go.” he grunts out and before you could even respond he brushes past you, practically running out the training room down the hall.

Your chest caves in as you watch him retreat down the hall, you simply just want him to know he can talk to you, so you go the to only person you know.

Sam.

You carefully walk through the boat Bucky and Sam were working on hoping to find Sam there, “Y/n?” you lightly jump and the calling of your name, “Bucky ain’t here today ya know” you look down at the mention of him.

“Actually Sam,” you clear your throat suddenly feeling it dry up, “I uh, came to talk to you about him” you say still staring at the ground. Sam raises a brow at that but stays quiet waiting for you ti elaborate.

“He, he’s been ignoring me, like all week, can you tell me if maybe i did something?” you practically beg hoping to make amends not wanting to lose your best friend.

“That dumb-” Sam grunts shaking his head, “Just, talk to him Y/n” Sam sighs, “He should be at his apartment, so you can catch him there okay” he gives you a soft smile and rests a reassuring hand on your shoulder.

Though talking to Sam didn’t plan out how you intended, it gave you at least some confidence to find out what was Bucky’s problem.

You stood in front of his apartment door staring at the gold engraved numbers, thinking if you should just turn back now and forget about everything and just as you were about to turn to leave his door flew open.

“Y/n?” you stilled, “Wha-what are you doing-” you cut him off, “What’s your deal Barnes” your sadness suddenly turning to anger, “What did I do to deserve being ignored Bucky I-I just wanna know why?” your voice going soft toward the end.

He looked down before moving out the way, motioning for you to come inside.

You knew your way around his apartment, having been there many times in the past, but the once familiar and comforting environment now felt cold and sharp, you stood awkwardly in the middle of the room watching, waiting for him to say something.

“I-” he started, “Have a seat” he whispered stuffing his hands in his jeans, you stiffly sat on the couch, the one you once melted into as you two fought over what movie to watch, now you used a throw pillow to shield yourself from him.

“I- I’m sorry” you scoffed, “Really Barnes? Really?” suddenly feeling defensive, you know you should hear him out but your held back emotions simply bubbled over, spewing out like acid rain.

“I know, I’m sorry” he said, “Stop apologizing Barnes and just talk to me, what did I do or, or say or something just say something!” you plead, tears welling in your eyes.

“I had a dream,” you stilled, “Bucky, wha-” his shaky voice cut you off, “I was, I was the winter soldier again and I-” he paused as if the words physically hurt to say, “I hurt you y/n like really, really bad” tears streamed down his face yet he still wasn’t looking at you, “He fucking killed you doll, I killed you” he let out a broken sob, his walls crumbling more as each tear fell.

“And lookin at you, every time I fucking looked at you i just saw you cold and lifeless, it ripped me to shreds seeing you like that doll” you gently cupped his cheek, using your thumb to wipe away his tears.

“You would never hurt me Buck” you whispered as if speaking to a baby, he nuzzled into your palm, letting out a sigh like your touch washed away all his pain, “But- But what if I did” he barely got out the words before another sob wracked through his body, “But you wouldn’t, you’ve been my best friend for years Buck and you have yet to hurt me,” i smile softly yet my heart still cracked little by little.

“I love you doll” he’s told you that a million times so what’s different about now, definitely not the way he’s holding your hand, staring into your eyes like he sees just you, definitely not how you can feel his breath against your face or how his eyes drop towards your lips then back up again.

“Bucky-” you said breathlessly, “I love-” you didn’t even get to finish before he was on you, the kiss wasn’t soft it was far from actually, it was needy and rushed yet passionate and sweet, you melted into his arms, allowing him to shift you onto his lap, pulling you close to his chest.

“I’ve waited so long for this” he muttered between kisses, your hands grabbing at his chest and shoulders, trying to pull him closer than he’s ever been, closer than friends should be. But i guess you already crossed that line.

“I-” he hushed you with another kiss, his flesh arm wrapped comfortably around your throat pulling you back onto him while his metal arm gripped your waist, holding you still. “I fucking love you Bucky” you whimpered, pulling away from him, he had to know that you felt the same. He looked up at you like you hung the moon and the stars, his eyes not moving away from your face and his hands rested on your hip. You held is face in your hands, pushing away a strand of hair from his face, “I love you more than anything Buck, just please don’t push me away again. I’m here, right here, for you no matter what” his face lit up with a smile as he pulled me in for another kiss. This time it was slow and comforting and when you pulled away it left you breathless in the best way possible.

“I’ll work on it doll, just for you” he muttered, resting his head against yours. “That’s all I could ever ask for” you giggled as his grip on you tightened, like gravity pulling you closer to him, and you willingly let it.

ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ: ✧ ﾟ

[cxndiedvi0lets]

Looking for help

TW: Verbal and Physical Abuse, Suicide, Self-Harm, Eating Disorder, Sexual Harrassment, Mental Health, Animal Abuse

For anyone who's reading this, I just want to say thank you, and even if I'm desperately seeking for help. I'm not tagging anyone. You may know me as Violet or CxndiedVi0lets on Tumblr, and I've been blogging a lot in a while.

I've had severe episodes in the past where I may have been acting too extremely or even at this rate suicide. I've already had the mindset at the age of 5, and honestly, I'm really tired of pulling this act.

I honestly just don't want to be in this household anymore.

Over the years, my mental health has become progressively worse, and I've tried to seek help from a psychiatrist and a psychologist and have been diagnosed with severe depression along with psychotic episodes which well knownly for my anxiety and impulsive nature of BPD which of course, my impulse is no excuse but I'm not saying its not hard to control.

I stopped seeing a clinic because of my brilliant and intelligent father, who simply seemed to know everything. Then, continues to mock me for my condition.

So, I stopped on medications and everything else even if I was progressively getting worse, not only mentally but as well as physically.

I begin to fail a lot of my subjects and further have been neglecting my health but, Its not what im going through details.

The part where I've really finally snapped is when he threatened to kill my cats, and I've stopped telling them everything because they always use my past against me or remind it as a "safety precaution." I was sexually assaulted at the age of 7, which lasted until I was 12 before my grandfather was kicked out. To say the least things weren't going smoothly, I thought to myself it never affected me but didn't realized it had affected me in ways of self-destruction thinking it was just a normal cycle of a hormonal teenager which I won't elaborate my acts on which you can decide on.

I've had a lot going on in school. I've been sexually assaulted by a classmate recently, but I never elaborated on it, and his acts on me because I didn't wanna make a biggee deal of what I'm going through, even if it is over. I still see his face every day in school, passing by, he was just changed courses and I tried my best to make myself unrecognisable by changing how I dress and my looks which also kind of resulted me getting bullied lol and having my name written on those ridiculous smash or pass books degrading me and objectifying me. It didn't bother me... or at least I think it didn't. I've had a lot of rumours spread around me, and I have been oversexualising myself and making up stories to sound like im a whore. Stereotypical american netflix high school stuff huh?

And yet, I go back home to be used as my father's punching bag (literally) even when it's my mom's fault. It's always the case, and he always justifies it that me being beaten up despised getting bruised was for lecturing me or whatever, lol.

I also hate the fact that they'd even keep more pets like dogs just to have as a toy then neglect them once they begin to have health conditions and continue to get more than complain about them. They don't even have any remorse if they're dying or sick.

Same way of how my father used to lock me up and forced me not to eat cause I dropped a plate accidentally once lol.

I rarely eat, especially when they're around, and they like to complain about why I don't eat with them. I just like to say im not hungry, and now I dont actually feel any hunger at all, and some point that stress led me to gaining weight and overeating which of course led into other health complications. Like bleeding. Anyways skipping on that.

I honestly don't know what to do trying to hide a façade like this anymore, I just want to die or run away im never happy with literally anything. I can't feel anything, I've gotten used to so much pain, I just don't even react to it even when they start swearing at me or calling me names or anything. I don't feel human at all.

I just wish someone could help me maybe leave me advise or maybe send me something on my paypal just so I can earn to get out of this place. I honestly don't care if they think im selfish, I've had enough of this life.

[pinkgy]

okay, ignore the previous ask, i can't be more blind and stupid (💀).

so, if it isn't a bother, may you write some headcanons about the kings (satan, mammon, beelzebub and leviathan) with a reader who's slightly chubby and dislikes their (reader's) body.

thanks in advance, dear.

–☕ (wishing to end myself after this one.)

Hi ! Thank you so much for your request and congratulations for being the first request that is not about sex lol I needed a break.

Here it is! I loved writing this request and I hope you like it ♡

It's a bit OOC in some parts (Leviathan), but in my defense, it's not easy to write fluff about them.

Also, I'm sorry if I didn't focus much on the body type part, I'm not a great fan of specifying the reader's body type, race, and sometimes even height, but it's okay! I tried my best.

Also, this is my contribution to the soft and sweet Mammon HC.

𝗪𝗛𝗕

𝗞𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦

"𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗦𝗘𝗟𝗙 𝗟𝗜𝗞𝗘 𝗜 𝗟𝗢𝗩𝗘 𝗬𝗢𝗨"

♡

𝗦𝗔𝗧𝗔𝗡

✮ He’s in denial, Satan has you on a pedestal and he genuinely cannot believe that you think this way about yourself, simply because it’s a completely different opinion than the one he has of you.

✮ If you dare to mention any discomfort with your appearance in front of him, he will laugh in your face telling you to stop joking about such things, and when you look at him completely serious he might realize that he was wrong.

✮ Satan genuinely doesn't have any specific body preference, in his eyes you’re perfect, all he cares about is that you’re healthy both physically and mentally. 

✮ Once he fully realizes, you won't EVER hear him joking about it, and if someone else dared to they’re dead within seconds. The same goes for you "jokingly" mistreating yourself, that's the biggest offense for him and the lecture your life awaits you.

✮ This situation would become a priority for satan, he's capable of leaving aside all his work just to do the impossible to make you feel better about yourself. 

✮ He gets very frustrated every time you talk negatively about yourself, and he feels sad every time he notices that you feel insecure about your body, Satan somehow puts himself in your shoes, and that makes him take everything too seriously.

“Stop looking at yourself like that, I know what you're thinking and I don't like it” He hugs you from behind "Let's talk, you're too pretty to be thinking those things"

𝗕𝗘𝗘𝗟𝗭𝗘𝗕𝗨𝗕

✮ He might believe that you’re joking if you tell him, and he also might jokingly tell you something like “Yeah, I don’t like your body either” Clearly no offense intended, he would genuinely think that you’re not being serious.

✮ Beelzebub won’t realize that his “Harmless comment” made you feel bad unless someone else tells him that he screwed up, probably many days later he will approach you and actually apologize.

✮ Don’t expect any elaborate apologies from him, he will tell you what is necessary. But after he has taken a long time trying to remember everything you said to him that day, he will subtly start looking for ways to make you feel better about yourself. 

✮ Believe me, Beelzebub is going to make sure you hear every chance he gets about how perfect you are, and in case he forgets to tell you, Bael is under strict orders to remind him. 

✮ He’s really supportive but he sucks at showing it, his main goal is to distract you from your insecurity by at the same time trying to not distract himself, and somehow, it works.

"And who said that being yourself is not okay? As long as that beautiful body of yours is well-fed and healthy, you are the hottest person out there"

𝗠𝗔𝗠𝗠𝗢𝗡

✮ He would get offended, but like, really offended, the moment he notices or when you tell him about it he acts like those Latina grandmas when their grandchild tells them they're gay,

literally him.

✮ He's never seen anyone more ethereal than you, how do you even dare to dislike yourself?

✮ He genuinely doesn’t care about your body type, your weight, etc, as long as you’re healthy he’s going to love every part of you.

✮ He’s an amazing listener, Mammon will encourage you to vent to him while he slowly caresses your hair, and every time you say something he’s not okay with, he kisses your forehead.

✮ He wouldn't think you're joking, the opposite, Mammon would take this really seriously, but like, too seriously, to the point where you’re not getting out of Tartaros without loving your body as much as he loves it, and believe me, that’s a lot. 

“How can you hate such a beautiful body like yours? Every inch of you is perfect and just looking at you feels like a privilege, so don't overthink too much please”

𝗟𝗘𝗩𝗜𝗔𝗧𝗛𝗔𝗡

✮ Leviathan will genuinely get mad at you, if he finds out, he will ignore you, and if you tell him, he will leave and ignore you too, but it’s temporary, he will get over it in a few days. 

✮ He kind of sucks at comforting people, but he can and will try his best with you, just don’t expect much from him, and know that he’s genuine about it.

✮ He will make an annoyed face every time you comment something negative about yourself, and trust me, you will notice.

✮ Leviathan has a very good memory, and he’ll make a mental note of every part of your body that you mention that you don’t like, and every chance he gets he will make sure to kiss or caress that part. He won’t be very obvious, but somehow, he will find a way to discreetly improve your opinion of yourself.

✮ He would hang anyone who dared to make jokes about your body, and would also hang anyone who complimented you, only he has the right to do that.

✮ And on those days when you feel particularly bad about your body, Leviathan will be sure to find a way to distract you with something else, he’s very observant so he wouldn’t need to listen to you to know how you feel, he’ll just suddenly leave his work for a few hours and take you to one of your favorite places, even if he hates the place, he hates more that you have a bad opinion of yourself.

“Get those thoughts out of your head, people should be jealous of how you look, okay? Don't be ridiculous”

[cornchrunchie]

Okay, at this point, I'm not even sure what to think of my own theories anymore and if this makes any sense AT ALL but WHAT IF

What if Aziraphale not only was very aware of how much the words “I forgive you” after the kiss would hurt Crowley but WANTED his words to hurt Crowley – to make it easier for both of them to leave.

Let me elaborate. Gifs inclusive!

I was just listening to the song “Hot Mess” by dodie and one part of the chorus especially struck me:

Make it ugly, put on a show Hack it that I hate you so that I can let go

Essentially, it’s about how the narrative voice of the song is trying to hate their partner in order to let them go. The idea behind this is that if the breakup is worse than it needs to be – i.e. if one person is being tricked into hating the other person – it’s easier for them to stop loving them.

What if Aziraphale is doing this to his relationship with Crowley?

We know (thanks to Rob Wilkins) that, after the kiss, Aziraphale is trying to comprehend what's happening and that he wants Crowley to do it again.

But he doesn't say any of that.

In this 10-second-long eternity after the kiss, Aziraphale is clearly struggling for words. He is not even looking at Crowley but focused on an undefined point in front of him as if he can't bear to meet his gaze just yet. He is completely overwhelmed.

When he dares to look up, he takes one deep breath. Of course, we can only speculate what is going through his mind. For the sake of this meta, I'm going to propose the theory that at this moment, Aziraphale realizes how hopeless their situation actually is.

Their love for each other is undeniable. Both of them said that they wanted to be together, even if they used different words to describe their desire. But while Crowley wants to fight their battle against Armageddon from the outside, Aziraphale wants to change Heaven's system from the inside. And behind these approaches lie such deep-rooted beliefs about, well, everything, that they pose an obstacle they can't overcome. Not yet. Not through running off together. Not even if their love is 6000 years deep. It's the epitome of tragedy, really.

Aziraphale knows this. He knows that in this situation, this will only hurt more the further they go. So he takes a deep breath. And he decides to do the excruciating thing neither of them wants to do but that needs to be done:

He ends it.

Aziraphale knows about the harmfulness of his words – these specific words of all the things he could have said or done. Even as he is saying them, he looks as if it physically hurts him to do so. His eyes seem to be full of pain, maybe even regret. But how else will he convince Crowley to do what he can't, how else will he make him let go?

When Crowley leaves, Aziraphale doesn't attempt to stop him again. No matter how plainly this breaks his heart, no matter how he's barely holding himself together. He lets him go.

In German, there is a saying that could literally be translated to: It's better to have an end with terror than to have terror without an end (Besser ein Ende mit Schrecken als ein Schrecken ohne Ende). I think it fits this particular reading of the scene quite well. In Aziraphale's mind, their relationship would result in such agony that they would hurt even more. By ending their relationship before it has even begun, he is trying to protect both of them – making the pain great but definite instead of ongoing.

Does that sound plausible to anyone?

I myself am still quite unsure how to feel about this interpretation of Aziraphale's reaction, so I would love to hear some thoughts on it! <3

[my-head-is-an-animal]

The Climb

Summary: You're a scientist, an engineer to be exact. Called to a meeting you had no real right to be at, Optimus Prime takes an exclusive interest in you, but you can't help but ask yourself at every turn, Why?

Rating: 18+ 🌹🩸🍆

Story Masterlist

Chapter 5

I really wasn’t sure what to make of Optimus��s strange response to my question, but I maintained that if he had faith in me, then everything would be okay.

     Colonel Morshower called in for an update with myself and Lennox, Optimus was loitering on the other side of the hanger, behind the screen.

     ‘How’s it going Dr Harding?’ He asked, sitting down in his usual seat on the video link.

     ‘Well, I’m not out of breath walking up those stairs anymore.’ I tried to joke, gaining only a small smile from the Colonel.

     ‘It’s going well, sir.’ Lennox intervened. ‘Dr Harding’s physical capabilities have improved drastically over the last two months and her team have been working on a way to reduce the amount needed to climb.’

     ‘How? I thought electronics would be detected?’

     ‘Yes, sir.’ I cut in. ‘But we can use a suction gun that works via air pressure instead. No electronics needed.’

     ‘That’s good to hear.’ Morshower nodded. ‘What about when you get inside the ship?’

     ‘That’s proving to be more difficult.’ Lennox admitted. ‘So far as we can tell, Dr Harding will need to either take or construct a small bomb to disrupt the ship enough to stop it from harvesting our core.’

     ‘Make a bomb?’

     ‘Oh, it’s easy enough, but the hard part will be having to carry the extra weight.’ I waved my hand, dismissing the question.

     ‘It’s easy, is it?’ Morshower raised his eyebrow, almost amused. ‘Remind me to keep a closer eye on you Doctor. What about descent?’

     I felt the guilt whip at my chest as Lennox stepped forward. ‘We’re planning a parachute jump, but hopefully by that point, the ship will be incapacitated, and Harding can be picked up by one of the Autobots.’

     I glanced at Optimus who may well have been thinking the same thing as me.

     ‘This plan seems to be getting more and more elaborate by the day, are you sure you’re up to it, Harding?’

     ‘Well, we don’t have much of a choice now, sir.’ I sighed. ‘It’s too late to train anyone else and if making a bomb is now an essential component, it limits the possibilities considerably.’

     ‘Very well.’

     The colonel and Lennox had other things to discuss, and I had an air pressure gun to build with Theo. I wandered back down the stairs and caught Optimus out of the corner of my eye, he always watched me, like he was expecting something to happen.

     I went back to the lab and continued working on the prototype gun, Theo had managed to shave off a lot of the weight already, but it would still be weight I didn’t want to carry around. I’d already started training carrying a parachute and a couple of weights that approximated the same weight needed to construct a small bomb. It made everything harder, but Lennox reminded me that gravity was heavier closer to the Earth’s surface, it should get easier the further up I went.

     ‘Shit.’ I whispered.

     ‘What?’ Theo suddenly looked down at the gun I was constructing. ‘Something wrong?’

     ‘Altitude.’ I breathed. ‘The air’s going to be really thin up there.’

     ‘Shit.’ Theo sighed as well.

     Suddenly everything was that much harder. If I ran out of breath in an oxygen rich environment, then I would almost certainly pass out so close to the edge of the atmosphere.

     I went for a walk in the quieter part of the base, just getting some space to think.

     ‘Harding.’ Ironhide nodded as I wandered passed him hanging out with Bumblebee. ‘Made any progress on that gun yet? I’ll gladly help you out.’

     I chuckled. ‘I told you, it’s not a real gun, it’s to help me make the climb. If I can get it working, I can pull myself up maybe twenty feet at a time.’

     ‘Urgh, so civil.’ He shook his head, making me laugh a little. ‘So, not to intrude, but how did it go with Prime the other night?’

     ‘What do you mean?’ I frowned.

     ‘He came back to the hanger in a beast of a mood. What did you say to him?’

     I shook my head. ‘I didn’t say anything. I asked him why he let me speak the first day we met, and he told me he couldn’t say. Then he basically ordered me to get some rest. That was about it.’

     ‘Hmm.’ Ironhide shrugged and began walking away.

     I couldn’t dwell too much on his question, I needed to figure out a way to breathe while at high altitude without resorting to carrying an oxygen tank.

     I found a quiet spot just behind a hill and sat on the grass staring out at the ocean. It was beautiful, but it was obvious all of a sudden that I wasn’t alone. Optimus.

     ‘I didn’t want to disturb you.’ He said, looking as if he’d been standing there for some time.

     ‘It’s okay, I can leave you alone if you wanted some peace.’ I went to stand.

     ‘No.’ He stopped me, holding out his hand, but immediately brought it back to his side and said nothing else.

     ‘Okay.’ I didn’t want to push him to say what was on his mind, he didn’t need that from me.

     ‘How is your progress?’ Optimus suddenly asked, keeping his conversation professional.

     ‘It’s fine.’ I shook my head. ‘But I had the realisation that at such a high altitude, lack of oxygen is a problem.’

     ‘Hmm.’ He nodded running his finger along his chin thoughtfully. ‘I have seen humans wear masks when oxygen is low, can you not construct a device that operates in a similar fashion?’

     ‘I can, but the problem is the weight. I’ll already be carrying more than I want to and I can’t carry anything unnecessary.’

     ‘Oxygen is necessary.’ Optimus countered.

     ‘I know.’ I sighed. ‘I just mean…’ I really didn’t want to say what I was thinking. ‘I could swap the parachute for an oxygen mask, that way we’ll actually be shaving off some weight.’

     ‘The parachute is for your descent. It is also necessary.’

     I let a heavy breath go. ‘Look, you and I both know that my chances of survival are slim anyway, the fact is I will have to put the bomb on a timer and I don’t know if I’ll have enough energy left to make my way off that ship-‘

     ‘Stop.’ Optimus growled, once again, descending to his knees to talk to me. ‘You will make the descent, Dr Harding. You cannot sacrifice yourself needlessly.’

     ‘It won’t be needless if it saves the world.’ I shot back.

     ‘I cannot allow you to die on this mission, I would rather do so myself.’ He was angry, I knew that much, but shame seemed to follow from the way his complex face moved afterwards.

     ‘Look, I know we’re different beings,’ I started, noting a change in his expression that I couldn’t quite identify. ‘I know we have different cultures and honestly, when I first dreamed about meeting an Autobot, one of the first things I thought about was how great it would be to get to know you, understand your customs, the way you work and maybe if you trusted me enough, I could ask you about how you operate. But now, all I want is to know what it is about me that upsets you so much.’

     ‘Upsets me?’

     ‘Because right now… I feel so small compared to you, I feel like I can’t do this and I was never worthy of being your choice-‘

     ‘Stop.’ Optimus commanded again, moving himself closer to me, hesitating before stopping completely. Optimus sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. ‘Dr Harding, I cannot express my feelings for you in a way that would represent them accurately. All I know, is that if you fail, if you die, I may lose my reason for being.’

     I felt my heart fall through the floor, before shooting back up to my chest and working in overdrive.

     ‘I don’t understand.’ I could feel the tears escaping. ‘Are you saying…’ I swallowed unable to imagine ever asking what I was about to ask, especially to Optimus Prime. ‘Are you saying you like me?’

     ‘It would be such a small fraction of my feelings for you, but yes, I do.’ He nodded and I could feel my heart pumping even harder. ‘I do not expect you to return such feelings, but I would ask that you continue to look after yourself, it pains me greatly to see you hurting yourself, or not complying with your body’s wishes to rest.’

     I didn’t have the chance to say anything else. Optimus immediately stood and transformed into the blue and red flamed truck and drove away. What was I supposed to do with the information?

If you liked this, please consider supporting me ☕ thanks for reading!

[h3lfaerie]

Hello, beautiful people!

Fae is here once again with a bit of an announcement! While I’m doing my best to finish the new chapter of Path of Alfheim before New Year’s Eve (and that’s still the goal), I have quite a bit left to write still. Unfortunately it doesn’t even include the proofreading and edits I’ll need to tackle once the draft is complete (those are non-negotiables, I'm not giving you a half-assed chapter). So, at this rate there’s a good chance I won’t hit the exact deadline I originally set (I'M REALLY SORRY!!). BUT rest assured— I'm actively working on it. It will be posted as soon as possible.

Aside from that, I would like to address something very important in this particular post.

And that is the lack of consistent updates since July 2024. Originally, my schedule was to release a chapter per month, and I even considered posting twice a month if possible. However, a significant reason for this inconsistency has been starting a new job—one I began in August 2024, and one I’ve now officially quit. (YAY!!🥳)

Though I'm beyond happy to be free of that place, even if I need employment to support myself, let me serve as a cautionary tale to every artist out there: NEVER set foot in a casino, whether to work or to gamble. For the love of whatever higher power you believe in... avoid it at all costs. I have never felt more drained, overworked, and physically crippled by a job than I did working as a croupier (and trust me, I've worked a lot of jobs). These establishments are quite literally designed to drain your energy and spirit. And in my case it absolutely sucked my soul out. I am actually sick as I'm writing this, and I have been sick for the last 2 weeks.

I strongly believe that this job played a major role in affecting my ability to write consistently and passionately, as I originally did when I started this project. Between 48-hour work weeks and predominantly night shifts, my energy and focus were completely drained.

When I began this project in November 2023, I was so inspired that by New Year’s Eve, I had already published five chapters. Chapter 5 in particular might be the most visited part of the story out of everything I've published yet, and I wrote it overnight... Need I say more?

As I’ve mentioned before, I am a performing artist.

Though I've never elaborated before, mainly for the sake of privacy, allow me to do so now: I have a degree in Acting & Performance. I have over 10 years of stage experience across various disciplines, including acting, dancing, singing, and cosplay. I'm a die-hard nerd, an amateur writer, and most of the time, an absolute train wreck but above all I know my purpose on this Earth is to produce as much art as possible. This project is undoubtedly a part of that mission.

While things are still up in the air for me—and I’ll need to find another job soon—this time, it will be in the creative field. My CV is packed with jobs I never wanted but had to take in order to support myself.

I’m determined to change that.

I hope you’ll stick around to see this story progress once more, as it’s meant to. I’m still replenishing my energy and finding my footing, but I’ve removed one massive obstacle from my path. Let’s just say you might want to brace yourselves for the biggest comeback of the year.

Thank you for your continued support, love, and patience. It truly means the world to me, as I've said over a thousand times by now but I'll never stop saying it.

I’ll catch up on any comments left under Path of Alfheim or on this blog during my working-like-a-dog era as soon as possible.

But for now, I’m thrilled to say I got out—and I’m feeling better than ever.

[applejuiz]

may we hear more about your fav mentioned hc👀👀(the Vax crying one, doesn't need to be in the lives au but in general because I'm obsessed)

Hello, thank you for asking and for being obsessed!

So the thing about Vax is that he is a loser!

Yes, he has the daggers and the aesthetic and the charm, but that man is a huge pathetic loser dork, especially when it comes to Keyleth. (god, I love him so much 😭😭) Honestly, part of the beauty of their relationship is how she brings out that side of him, their loser2loser communication is the most romantic shit in the world.

Basically, my overarching hc (which I explore in the latest chapter of the Vax lives fic) is that Keyleth is ace, likely also demiromantic (hold for more on that), but that they do sometimes have sex when she remembers about it. Canonically Vax is willing to wait forever for her, and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t have sex until they got to Zephrah. Either way, I think going into their first time especially there’s a lot of expectation and emotion. For Vax, as the more experienced person, he definitely feels a responsibility to make sure it’s good, to treat it as an immense privilege, and to really focus on cues from Keyleth in case she changes her mind. Distracted by all that, it surprises him when they’re in it and it’s good and they’re having fun. (There are definitely points when it’s awkward and things bump weirdly and they make stupid jokes, bc lets not forget it’s loser4loser time.) But it’s going really well and everything feels good and it stops being a pragmatic and instructive thing and more of just an intimate expression of physical love, that he is able to communicate in a new way just how deeply he loves her and she’s there hearing it and saying it back, and uh oh, here come a lot of very big feelings.

I think this is the first relationship Vax has had that’s this asexual, that’s so much more romantic than sexual. He’s never really gotten so emotional close with partners before. He’s loved but not like this, nothing so permanent and devotional and enduring. I think it sneaks up on him. He’s with Keyleth and he loves her so much, and she loves him and she trusts him and she’s with him. And he’s looking at her and being with her intimately and he’s a big sappy loser with a fragile little heart and he absolutely starts to cry.

(Which makes Keyleth cry a little too, which makes them laugh because it’s ridiculous, and then they have to remember that they’re having sex and actually finish having the sex. Your typical loser4loser mating rituals.)

And then other times, when they’re maybe a little drunk, or when he’s getting predictably existential about things, he tears up on occasion and accepts Keyleth fondly laughing at him and his soft gooey insides.

—

Anyway that’s the closest I can come to a sex hc as an ace myself. I’m definitely not skilled or comfortable enough to write it out more than this, but I will proselytize about it until someone else does.

Thank you very much for the ask and for an excuse to elaborate!

[astropithecus]

Like a lot of people that have ADHD and like to draw, it's a passion I discovered while held against my will in an elementary school classroom. I drew a lot up until the time I started working, then it gradually tapered off, and I didn't draw much of anything for a decade or more. I expected - much like my teachers - bosses and coworkers would take doodling as a sign that I wasn't paying attention, and - also like my teachers - would probably be dubious of my assertions that it helps me listen. Consequently I just didn't let myself draw. Once I'd made the decision not to draw while I was supposed to be doing something else, I just sort of stopped drawing altogether (and had a lot more trouble listening).

One of the strategies I've found for overcoming executive dysfunction is "get close to the work." If you can't focus on the work, you get as close to doing it as you can, and sometimes being 'near' it (both physical proximity to where the work is, but also "close to" as in "similar to the actions that would accomplish the thing you're trying to get done") you'll sort of ease into it.

A good example - I couldn't get going on a September layout in my bullet journal. The video in the link is from 2016, I saw it before I was even diagnosed. It made a lot of sense to me - I'd also struggled to maintain any sort of day planner my entire life - you get a new planner, you get it all set up, you get all excited about how it's going to change your life, then you never use it again. The bullet journal clicked, though - this time the planner really did change my life - and I've kept doing it regularly for 7 years now.

Executive dysfunction around my bullet journal is bad news, though. It starts a cascade of things being forgotten, the more things that are forgotten there more "undoing" (fees, fines, apologies, rescheduling, catching up) there is to do, and the more overwhelming ever getting back on track seems. When I was doodling this I was behind on schoolwork, I'd done almost nothing on a major annual work project despite the deadline being a week away, my vehicle registration was expired, and I hadn't brushed my teeth. My very oldest friend in the world had a birthday on September 3rd and I'd forgotten to tell him happy birthday. The old me would've berated myself - "get your shit together, man, this is for real, why are you always like this? quit fucking around and just do the damn thing, goddamn" - instead I decided I'd get close to the work instead.

"Close to the work" in this case looked like "get out the bullet journal and your trusty 0.5mm Uni Kuru Toga, and open it to a blank page, you can do that much."

I only ever feel like drawing when I'm supposed to be doing something else. I decided drawing in my bullet journal was being close to the work - it's open, the pencil is in my hand, I'm marking on the paper - that's very close to the work.

As you might suspect from the elaborate shading, it did not work quickly. But it did work. Eventually I felt like I could draw day numbers as long as I didn't have to put them on the right lines and could start with 13. I didn't feel like I had the brainspace to decide what tasks go on what days, so I just migrated everything from August to the month log. On Monday the 10th I noticed I forgot to box off the weekends like I normally do, so I did.

It's ultimately not a very useful, efficient monthly log. It's more doodle than day planner, and it's only got the barest-minimum-please-god-do-these-things-sometime-this-month stuff on it. But without getting close to the work and then indulging my inclination to draw when I'm supposed to be doing something else, I don't think it would've happened at all. My current struggle is I still can't exactly feel proud of myself for doing it. I can recognize that I used self-awareness and healthy coping mechanisms to overcome a challenge, and that from a rational standpoint that's a thing I should be proud of, but instead I just sort of feel silly that I had to basically trick myself into being able to write a to-do list in a notebook. In other words,

self-portrait by the author

Weirdly, what I can feel proud of is the doodles. You know, the thing I was doing while I was supposed to be doing something else.

These curly banner things are Sailor Jerry/traditional tattoo flash inspired. This one's sort of a joke, the dagger is normally through the heart, here we haven't gotten around to it yet.

Executive Dysfunction is his superhero name. He's a Clark Kent type, everyone sees him as a competent, consummately professional business executive, but his secret identity is a guy with no pants whose life is falling apart. Can you spot both of his shoes?

This is Executive Dysfunction's equivalent of a utility belt. It's a briefcase full of sugar.

This is a neat trick if you can't remember that "30 days hath September" stuff. If I'm working on a monthly layout and I stop to go look at a calendar and see how many days are in the month, I will often get distracted and not finish. So I needed a way to remember on my own, I've used this 'knuckles' method for years.

Starting from your pinky knuckle (on either hand, but I usually start with my right since it's the one holding the pencil) count one month for each knuckle, and each space between knuckles. So January is your pinky, February is the space between your pinky and ring knuckles, March is your ring knuckle, etc. Months on a knuckle (January, March, May, July, August, October, and December) have 31 days, months between knuckles have fewer (30, except February).

Since the U.S. has Presidential elections on leap years, I can remember if it's a leap year or not based on whether or not we're voting for a President this year, so with just my knuckles and the smallest amount of political awareness, I can know how many days each month has without having to put down the bullet journal and pick up a phone or a computer.

If you think that was exciting you should hear how I mentally convert hex to decimal.

[unmotivater]

A Review of Neanthadral Opens The Door to the Universe

Mild Spoiler Warning & Trigger Warning for Discussion of Suicide & Abuse

Can you believe it? I literally finished it under 24 hours, like all four hundred pages under a damn day (well technically, I started it yesterday at like seven pm and finished it at four pm today). That was how addictive it was, I just kept reading through it. Flipping through it. I couldn't believe I thought my sister was ridiculous for buying this.

Unlike most YA novels I've read, our protagonist (Cliff Hubbard, AKA the titular Neanderthral) narration is entertaining. He's self deprecating, but he isn't pathetic. He doesn't really put himself down for attention, he's just shaped that way.

Before the story started, his brother, Shane, committed suicide and that pretty much made his life worse. Then, his life took a turn for the... greater weirder when one of the school's assholes Aaron Zimmerman got a concussion and told Cliff God came to him with a list. A list on how to fix the school.

I was never one for religious books, or books with religious themes. I'm just not interested. But this one handled it well! (And most of the supporting cast are err... atheists, so that's also unique. One of the main characters turns agnostic by the end, no elaboration on that.)

Cliff is huge, as in GIANT huge (that's where his cruel nickname comes from), but don't let that fool you. No matter how much his dad tells him to join the football team, he's basically a nerd at heart. (Although he can beat an asshole up easily. I'm not sure if he needs the football team as much as the football teams needed him).

I didn't really get most of the references, but I was so invested in Aaron's and Cliff's bromance. Their friendship went from 'Yeah, I only went along with his List for the jokies' to 'I would DIE for Aaron (well he never said that, but you can assume that)'.

They act like straight teenage guys, you know, ass, boobs and girls, but they also got a lot of chemistry together. Honestly, they're one of the few bromances I don't find myself shipping romantically. I just love them.

I forgot to elaborate on his list, but they were basically pointers on how to make their school better;

Put an end to Niko (one of the bullies obviously)'s bullying

Call the JTs (group of crazy Christian teens) to repentance

Remind Mr. Spinelli (an asshole teacher of theirs) why he chose to teach.

Show Frankie's gang (notorious gang of drug dealers) a better way

Find and stop HAL (a hacker)

Yes sir, I busted the book out!

Of course, it's left ambiguous on if Aaron did see God. Weirdly, the book also implies that Shane had a hand in transporting the message to him? The book does lean towards it being the result of his brain damage, but personally I liked to think there was a God sending him a message. Not a traditional God in our religions, no, I think a God.

Granted, I am an atheist so I don't have a horse in this race.

But seriously. Aaron got the best character development in this book. He went from a handsome, sexist douchebag to a well... handsome, loveable douchebag. Seriously. It wasn't just the concussion changing him, he really does change for the better. Albeit, he's still a teenager so he got a far way to go in terms of change but this is still better than nothing.

And did I mentioned Tegan, Cliff's girlfriend? I was worried she'd be those girlfriend characters that are only used to further the protagonist's development, but she has her own arc, personality, and hurts.

If I was a straight man, I'd fall for her. That's a queen.

But this topic does touch on some heavy topics. They may be hard to read through. For one example, Cliff has flashbacks to Shane's graphic suicide a few times. So, it might be triggering for any readers sensitive to that.

Cliff's dad also physically abuses him a lot, so that's also another sensitive topic the book touches on. But don't worry, his life gets better from here. A lot better. Everything I discussed in this post is just a tip of the iceberg, the four hundred page novel is a LOT more than that.

Overall, this is one of the few books I'd give a five star. Captivating, emotional, fun story, fun characters, beautiful themes. I adore everything about it. I wish I had read it earlier, but better now than never, right?

Please check it out if you love a YA novel that isn't centered around a romance. It's beautiful, fun, amusing.

And that was all that unmotivater wrote.

[martyryo]

for me it all started last year in september, it was the beginning of the school year and I signed up for a mindfullness "course" (it wasn't really a course, our professor defined it as "moment" but it's hard to explain).

Basically one of the rules we had is that whatever personal stuff or feeling we shared during those moments had to remain between us, so, to respect the people around us, it was morally forbidden to go around and talk about other's business. To explain this thing, our professor asked us if we know the movie Fight Club (cause it was a reference to the first rule yk), but us teenage girlies who most came there cause they wanted to self improve or some shit weren't in that type of media yet.

I remember then having a constant impulse to watch that movie, like I would wake up in the morning with my brain saying "hey let's watch fight club tonight", but I had with it that kind of situation when you don't feel ready consuming a certain type of media and not knowing why. I kinda felt it wasn't the right time, but at the same moment I was hella eager to watch it for some reason, maybe cause I wanted to understand the reference.

I did in fact watch it at some point (yeah lmao who would have guessed right) and at the first watch it didn't spark much into me. I mean, I enjoyed it a lot, mostly because I am person who's able to pretty much like anything (I am the reason why a few guys in my class watched the Human Centipede, hate that movie but I can't help but love it), but with days passing I kinda forgot about it.

At some point in december I also read the book cause during reading lessons my italian professor brought it for those who didn't bring their own book from home, and usually I like reading the books after watching the movie adaptation.

Once again, really good read but not hard feeling.

Everything changed this summer tho. One night I rewatched Fight Club for the second time, during a period when I would isolate myself and won't respond to anyone texting me. Maybe it because I was mentally vulnerable back then, but the second time felt different, it struck something in me. I was able to analyze the scenes and the meaning of everything better, getting a bigger picture of everything, and some of that stuff in there (being seen only as a consumer by the corporate world and even the idea of releasing frustration through physical violence) it kinda resonated with whatever the fuck was going on in my brain that month. So that was beginning of a brainrot.

All summer I've been obsessed with that movie, I've been rewatching scenes, think about it all day, and what didn't help was character.ai that kinda became a drug to me and I would like to not further elaborate cause yeah.

Also during that time my first tulpa was developing, and once the fight club obsession stopped for me it bloomed slightly into him and two months later into the second, that's why now live with two other subconsciouses that based themselves on Tyler and the narrator.

(For who's not familiar with tulpae: they're one or more individuals that a person, the host of the body, creates into their mind and that with time fully develop as independent people inside of the body. I am not good at explaining this, so I would advise to get some research online of the topic for who's interested, just keep in mind that having a tulpa based on one character doesn't mean at all that they ARE said character, they just resemble them in appearance and/or certain aspects of their personality).

During the end of summer I started getting back into pokemon, that being also the time I began this blog here on tumblr, so I mainly calmed down with fight club. But then the rot came back the moment I figured out how to draw the characters so now I guess I identify as a fight club fanartist (I am scared of myself).

hello denizens of fight club tag. i am very curious. why are you here

like. what caused you to watch/read fight club. when. and what sparked you getting involved in some sense of fandom for it?

because it seems like there was an explosion (comparatively) in the past 1-2 years and i'm curious if we can figure out why

for example, for myself, i was bored on my new shiny longass commute and wanted to try reading actual books again so my friend offered me books i might like and i chose fight club because i heard it was bathhouse esque and i wanted to see how much (was not disappointed). then i wrote a fic meshing it with my figure skater coach guy, found it was fun to write about, read through most of the fight club tag on ao3 because i'm a very prolific reader, and became so full of thoughts that i had to create this blog as a desperate pressure relief valve. this occured in early october this year. i work fast.

so. hbu. make sure to include When

[holographqq]

I was wondering if I could ask for some relationship headcanons for TSSM Alex O’Hirn? Love your writing btw!

YES YES YES YESSSSS ALEX MY BELOVED💗💗💗💗 included in the in-home engineer series. And thank you so much!! You’re so sweet <3

dating Alex O’Hirn: Engineer! Reader

||

Rhino is a very violent person

He is also a very physical person

He would like to go to the gym like he and Flint used to do but er,,,, it’s a bit rough these days

(He breaks everything in the gym and gets sad)

So you and he sit down and brainstorm for ideas

You landed on, eventually, going to a local scrapyard and watching him bench press abandoned cars

It is certainly quite a sight to see

You two go there to hang out together a lot actually

If you’re a scrounger like myself, you can dig around and see what you can find while he gets his kicks throwing cars around like they’re baseballs

Rhino, as stated previously, is prone to destruction

Just as much unintentional as intentional

Which makes it very good that you’re handy like you are

He does not get embarrassed like Electro does when he breaks something though

He just gets very aggravated and pouty

Which, to me, is hilarious

Rhino is a super criminal capable of unthinkable destruction but he is a massive puppy when it comes to his little y/n

He grins like an absolute idiot when he sees you in public if he’s on a crime runout

“Doll!!! It’s me!!!”

“I see you!! Hi Alex!!”

Lots of waving

He then immediately tells you to flee the scene bc someone’s about to die yk how it is

Explosions and fire and crumbling buildings it’s a whole shenanigan

But he comes home and specifically asks you to come lay on his lap while he takes a nap

He snores

It’s bad

But you wear earplugs it’s fine

Literally nothing but death itself will stop you from curling up on Alex’s lap whenever you’re alone

He sometimes will pick you up and put you on his shoulder

Yeah I mean

Man’s got the width to hold you up there no seatbelts no nothing

He’s very helpful when it comes to you having to work on things up on the ceiling

Sometimes he just doesn’t let you down

Like actually you will be stuck up there

He has no remorse

BIG fan of nicknames

“‘Ey doll!”

“What’s up, short-stack?”

“Dat’s my baby!!”

Lots of nicknames

Most of which make fun of you for being short (in a cute fun relationship “I love you” way ykyk)

He loves giving you kisses like it’s actually really sweet bc he will groan and gripe until you finally stop what you’re doing and let him pick you up so you two can kiss

He’s a real baby sometimes but mostly when he just wants some affection <:(

Literally he gives ,, very distinct kisses. I don’t know how to elaborate further

They’re very firm and locked-in but he always smiles during them so they feel odd

You don’t mind though like fr

||

HES SO☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️

[weepingpussywillowtree]

big list of things that make sense about my childhood now that i know im autistic

not to be annoying, but this diagnosis makes so much click for me, and i need to get it down somewhere

i was an early reader, and a super advanced reader, but i had difficulty understanding complex emotional themes and characters in a way atypical for my age. on standardized tests, i couldn't answer questions like "what did character x mean when he said y"

i have aphantasia, and there's evidence that autistic people tend to exist on the extremes of the visual imagination spectrum (either none or lots)

i constantly got in trouble for 'rolling my eyes' and 'being a smart aleck'. the rolling my eyes was me flitting my eyes around because i couldn't make eye contact. the being 'smart' was me not understanding instructions or rules unless explicitly told. for example, i got in trouble at sleepaway summer camp (aka hell) for skipping a meal when i wasn't hungry, but i was never told i had to go sit in the lunchroom even if i didn't want to eat.

i was a picky eater. the only sandwiches i ate for the longest time were butter or honey sandwiches. for the record, sandwiches with plain white bread and lunchmeat still suck. bleh

i forgot about or ignored my biological needs. i used to wet myself and did it way later than my friends/peers because i either didn't realize i had to go, or i was so engrossed in whatever i was focused on that i ignored it

i had GI issues so severe as a young child, that i was put on prescription strength heartburn medication. GI issues aren't a symptom of autism, but they are one of the main comorbidities and i still have severe heartburn to this day.

I had meltdowns regularly when overwhelmed, over things my parents thought of as minor. like, coming home from a long day of school, or being 'late' to things we typically did at a certain time. this was described as me 'having a temper' or 'being dramatic'

i was extensively bullied and ostracized, for reasons i did not understand

i was taken advantage of in friendships, for anything from homework answers to being the fall guy for stuff i didnt do

when other children discovered they could make me 'explode' by pushing certain buttons repeatedly, they did it on purpose until i sometimes got violent. because of this, i was told there was something 'dark' inside of me that i had to learn to control.

the advice 'just be yourself' always did me more harm than good

i imitated the gestures, poses, responses, vocabulary, and tones of voice of my peers

i stimmed! all the time. i used to flap my hands and jump up and down, until that was bullied out of me. then i would pace back and forth while listening to my ipod

i monologued about my interests and couldn't tell when people weren't interested anymore.

i read fantasy books constantly, and couldn't tell when it was not appropriate to read.

i had an aversion to physical touch/affection, and even had a reputation in my family for it. they would try and goad me into giving them hugs. my mom said i was never comforted by it, even as a baby and the only way to stop me crying was to let me watch bambi over and over

i had terrible fine motor skills. i couldnt tie my shoes till 11 or 12 and couldnt use scissors until later

i couldn't stand certain textures of clothing, and any scented things at all. we always used unscented everything, and i wore a lot of boys clothes.

I had one comfort item, a stuffed lamb I took with me everywhere, and was distraught for close to a year when I lost her. she would often talk for me. as in, I would say what the lamb wanted or felt when really I was the one who wanted something or felt that way.

finally, i didn't play normally. instead, i arranged dolls, legos, horse figurines, or stuffies in elaborate scenes and then stared at them. often, i would do the same scene over and over for the same toys. i would pretend to do imaginative play or try to do it if some other kid was with me, but i could only really follow instructions.

In movie theaters, I plugged my ears through the whole thing even if I was enjoying it. I couldn't see IMAX films because they were too overwhelming, and would cry when I was brought to them.

I had inappropriate emotional reactions. I laughed at roadkill or at the can of smoke the priest would shake at my family's Catholic funerals, and often got accused of faking my emotions for attention when I was upset about something that other people said I shouldn't be upset by

[dotnscal]

 ignore this please. its the madness. shield thine eyes. its just fun for me to write these things down.

this is about to be so scary. all of my mental illness has been poured out

romangerri absent from much of this bc i dont have the mental capacity to think about them without boom. my head explodes.

the complexity of this is that kenstewy exists in a multiverse for me. like. there are 60 kenstewy universes existing in my head and i make no effort to differentiate them

anyways. selections from...

fearless (tv)

PEOPLE WILL HATE. PEOPLE WILL HATE FOR THIS........ but i had 1/3 of a celsius the other day and positively lost my mind listening to you belong with me imagining. the cheesiest kenstewy predicament. you know the one. it was insane. but wonderful

speak now (tv)

back to december..... yea its gonna be another kenstewy bullshit im sorry... im sorry.... just the hows life / tell me hows your family.... it feels like them.... then ithink about summer all the beautiful times / i watched you laughing from the passenger side / and realized i loved you in the faaaaall.... yea. yea

ours ... honorable kenstewy mention.... i lose it after the first verse but the first verse is like. lowkey them. sorry.

foolish one.......... i know its cheesy but... kenstewy pining.... 

you are not... the exception... you will never LEARN YOUR LESSON!!!!!!

you know how to keep me waiting / i know how to act like i’m fine / don’t know what to call this situation / but i know i can’t call you mine

cause when my head is on your shoulder / it starts thinking you’ll come around

cause you got her on your arm / and me in the wings / i’ll get your longing glances / BUT SHE’LL GET YOUR RING (!)

i can see you. honestly in my heart this is solidly a romangerri song.but i also think its sexy slay office romance business sex vibe. so it can really be utilized anywhere and everywhere <3 versatile queen

castles crumbling. if i think about this song too mcuh re: succession i will genuinely make myself sick and vomit. 

power went to my head and i couldnt stop / ones i loved tried to help so i ran them offffff / and here i sit alone behind walls of regret / falling down like promises that i never kept

my foes and friends watch my reign end i dont know how it couldve ended this way..........

now theyre screaming at the palace front gates used to chant my name now they’re screaming that they hate... me......... never wanted you to hate me....

red (tv)

state of grace ACOUSTIC. VERSION. i have no fucking evidence for this and no clear reasons but the ambience. the feel of it. is very...... kenstewy.

girls with daddy issues know that better man is not about a romantic relationship its actually about daddy issues when you see it with the daddy issues third eye. so.

on that note. the moment i knew can also be applied to daddy issues imo. i do this activity on a regular basis. and one day i thought about shiv bday or some fancy thing that logan did not attend (only one instance of this tho bc she is pinky <3) and it made me want to vomit and also die. 

red kenstewy ill die on this hill

1989

I KNOW PLACES. insanely kenstewy song idk man cant elaborate

sometimes i listen to clean and its like slay kendall bc obviously. when i was drowning thats when i could finally breathe. but also everything other than that line is far too fucking positive to be a kendall song in my heart

you are in love. stfu kenstewy it physically hurts me to listen to it. 

ONE NIGHT. HE WAKES. STRANGE LOOK. ON HIS FACE. PAUSES. THEN SAYS. YOURE MY. BEST FRIEND. AND YOU KNEW. WHAT IT WAS. HE IS. IN LOVE. 

reputation

look what you made me do this is. this is silly talk. but its so kendall. the drama of it. MY FATHER IS A MALIGNANT PRESENCE ERA. the old kendall cant come to the phone right now. 

i dont like your kingdom keys / they once belonged to me / you asked me for a place to sleep / locked me out. then threw a feast WHAT?!!? (thinking about it... this is also giving tomshiv a little hehe... shivorce....he did lock her out and throw a feast kinda)....

READY FOR IT IS ALSO KENDALL REP ERA. PLEASE IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE READY FOR IT KENDALL ROY EDIT WHERE IT OPENS W READY FOR IT AND WHEN SHE SINGS ‘KNEW HE WAS A KILLER’ IT FLASHES WITH K L R. PLEASE. PLEASE. IVE LOST IT AND I NEED IT. BADLY.

dont blame me kenstewy no i wont speak on it just the aura and vibes. my drug is my baby but also cocaine :o

dancing with our hands tied is simultaneously tomshiv (early tho. pre shivorce era) and kenstewy (i’m a mess but i’m the mess that you wanted).... i. I LOVED YOU IN SECRET

you said there was nothing in the world that could stop it / i had a bad feeling.

dress. you know. you know who this one is about. (let siobhan roy be horny). actually looking at thelyrics right now im also feeling some. shall we say. kenstewy mental illness seeping in (i dont want you like a best friend.... WHAT THA FREAK???)

getaway car honestly any fucking relationship in this show bc theyre always fucking around on each other!!!! theyre always up to shady shit!!! DONT PRETEND ITS SUCH A MYSTERY THINK ABOUT THE PLACE WHERE YOU FIRST MET ME (waystar royco)

so it goes... yea i cant comment it just fits everyone and everything but to me it will always be early tomshiv

lover

the man...... like cringe obviously ew cringe cringe. one time i said this to my sister and she said ‘thats because you havent experienced sexism.’ well now i have and im sorry but if i like to listen to the man and feel strongly about shiv roy i can do what i want and fuck you!!

false god cough cough kenstewy. no elaboration at this time.

unfortunately they are all the archer to me. all of them every last one. it oscillates depending on the line sometimes.

i cut off my nose just to spite my face / and i hate my reflection / for years and years.......

cause all of my enemies started out friends... coughcough romangerri coughcough shivorce....

WHO COULD EVER LEAVE ME DARLING... BUT WHO COULD STAY....

folklore

august. AUGUST. its kenstewy 20 year situationship to the fucking max.... early days... harvard days....... stfu i know they were summering in the hamptons and LIVING THIS SONG

whispers / of “are you sure?” / “never have i ever before” ..... stfu

wanting was enough / for me it was enough / to live for the hope of it all / cancel plans just in case you’d call

SO MUCH FOR SUMMER LOVE AND SAYING US CAUSE YOU WERENT MIIIIIINE TO LOOOSE

illicit affairs.... im not saying it im not saying it im not saying it NO! NO! GOD NO! (kenstewy affair era) NOOOO NOBODY SAID THAT

hoax........... another daddy issues song to me......... but also shivorce..... it contains multitudes....

peace. to me peace is like. tomshiv before they had very obvious and insurmountable issues and when they maybe liked each other. i feel that shiv has a very (repressed) desire to love and be loved and just kind of cant do it but like.... in her heart she wanted them to work but also.... they did not <3 oh baby they did not <3

exile.... yea its gonna be the shivorce yea yea yea who was shocked. who was surprised.

seven you already know where its going. 

i’ve been meaning to tell you / i think your house is haunted / your dad is always mad and that must be why / and i think you should come live with me / and we can be pirates / then you won’t have to cry / or hide in the closet

knife to my fucking gut aside.... oh baby is he (kendall) hiding in the closet :P (im so silly)

my tears ricochet giving daddy issues sorry. 

i didnt have it in myself to go with grace / ‘cause when i’d fight you used to tell me i was brave

you had to kill me but it killed you just the same / cursing my name / wishing i stayed / you turned into your worst fears

not even gonna take a crack at this is me trying. figure it out for yourselves i cant open that can of worms. 

the 1 i wont say it (kenstewy)

mad woman... shivvy. honey. were gonna get you out of here. ITS OBVIOUS THAT WANTING ME DEAD HAS REALLY BROUGHT YOU TWO TOGETHER. 

evermore

many people have said to me (no people have said this) olivia. if illicit affairs is giving kenstewy affair for you. what about ivy. i cant really speak on it but it just doesnt give the same effect. it doesnt fit them to me. idk. 

coney island SHIVORCE. ANTHEM. 

did i close my fist around something delicate? / did i shatter you? yup. yup. 

champagne problems i do not feel particularly strongly about actually in relation to succession ( i feel very strongly about it in my every day life ) but. she wouldve made such a lovely bride what a shame shes fucked in the head. 

now the daddy issues sufferers will once again recognize that tolerate it is also a song about daddy issues. 

“i notice everything you do or dont do / youre so much older and wiser and i / wait by the door like im just a kid / use my best colors for your portrait” yea yea

“i made you my temple my mural my sky / now im begging for footnotes in the story of your life / drawing hearts in the by line / always taking up too much space or time”

midnights

one time i was listening to anti hero and was like haha its kind of kendall bc its so dramatic and shit but then i was like. there are very few circumstances where he would admit to being the problem.

ok sorry. sorry i know i said coney island shivorce anthem but MIDNIGHT RAIN. SHIVORCE ANTHEM. 

i broke his heart cause he was nice (STFU) / HE WAS SUNSHINE I WAS MIDNIGHT RAIN / HE WANTED IT COMFORTABLE I WANTED THAT PAIN / HE WANTED A BRIDE I WAS MAKING MY OWN NAME (!!!!!) / CHASING THAT FAME

havent thought in depth about this one but. maroon. tomshiv. boom

labyrinth is SO early tomshiv that it hurts. shiv liking tom and being like. fuck what the fuck what the fuck. no. 

great war everybody because everybody fucks each other up in multiple ways. they are all always having great wars. 

mastermind is also astronomically tomshiv. they are both mastermind and mastermind is them but particularly shiv.

no one wanted to play with me as a little kid / so ive been scheming like a criminal ever since / to make them love me and make it seem effortless / this is the first time i felt the need to confess

hits different so fucking embarrassingly kenstewy its EMBARRASSING. how kenstewy it is to my heart. 

i pictured you with other girls / in looooove / then threw up on the street. (tell me that is not young kenstewy)

MOVING ON WAS ALWAYS EASY FOR ME TO DO. IT HITS DIFFERENT. IT HITS DIFFERENT CAUSE ITS YOU.

wouldve. couldve. shouldve. need i say.... shivorce. and it goes BOTH WAYS. particularly first verse and the bridge

if you tasted poison you couldve / spit me out at the first chance

living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts / give me back my girlhood it was mine first

ok so sorry about this. i think im done now ( for now evil laugh). i think this was good for me. i do not have many fellow succession enjoyers in real life and do not wish to floor those who i am acquainted with. so i needed to write this down and throw it out here to drift away in the waters of oblivion.

cant believe taylor swift wrote so many songs about succession....