#important note: it is still explicitly queer

[slipstreamborne]

Holy crap, AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING! Thank you!!! And hilariously, I just logged on to share my own just-discovered links because this morning I decided to dig out a box of papers and sketchbooks from middle and high school to see if I had done any angsty fic-inspired doodles (as was my wont) that I could glean more clues from, and guess what I apparently printed out IN FULL in 2001 and have had SITTING IN A CLOSET this ENTIRE goddamn time????!!!??!?!

--

"In the Blood" by Benway (aka Dr. Benway)

Originally published in 2001 on the Outside the Lines mailing list, winner of the 2002 Comic Book Fan-Fiction Awards for "Best Gotham" fic. 

Full compiled fic (publishing dates indicate chapter breaks):  [here]

Backup chapter by chapter links (via Wayback Machine):  [Notes] [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11]

CONTENT WARNING: This is a R/M-rated darkfic with mature themes, including drug use, sexual content (characters are 18+), eugenics, and references to off-screen incest. Chapters 7 and 8 also include some homophobic language, and Tim’s narration consistently misgenders and deadnames two genderqueer drag performers (one of whom does explicitly correct him).

--

Having now reread it AT LAST, I’m struck by how different the tone, themes, and characterization are from pretty much every modern Bat-fic I’ve read (no affirming if complicated found family here; this pre-dates Jason Todd's resurrection, for starters, and in-canon Cassandra had only just started to learn to talk and was often treated with mistrust), and just how VERY rooted in the early ‘00s the real-world details of the story are:

There's a plot point that Tim was conceived 5 years after the first successful IVF transfer (1978), making Tim's birth year 1983 (elder millenial Robin!)

Pre-cellphone communication logistics, like having to leave people notes, messages on answering machines, and Tim's identity being discovered because he didn't think Stephanie would have caller ID

The transition from analog to digital media. Older records are on microfiche or hand-written in notebooks, phone directories are physical books kept in libraries, the yellow pages are still an important data source but are now online, Yahoo is Tim's search engine of choice...

Holy opiate crisis Batman, Tim casually keeps oxycodone in his utility belt and takes them for a (grantedly bad) headache.

Queer culture depicted through a VERY 00's-tinted lens. Some fun details (like the reference to the bizarre popularity of monastic chanting), but others that definitely read differently now. It really highlights how much things have changed for the better.

That said if anyone was into the Batman fandom circa 1998-2002 and remembers a drama/mystery/angst fic where Robin found out that his dad was infertile and he was conceived via IVF using donor sperm, began to suspect that he was Bruce's biological son (at the same time wondering if he himself could be the father of Stephanie's baby), and later discovered that his bio-father was actually the JOKER, Bruce had known the entire goddamn time, AND Bruce had been the one to arrange for the sperm donor samples to be swapped in the first place in a fucked up "nature vs nurture" experiment...

Please please please PLEASE pass along any links or other details you recall because I am desperate to read it again.

Writer's pen name may have been Jack something? They had a very direct, Hemmingway-esque writing style that was all simple sentences, that blew baby me away. Didn't use quotation marks for dialogue, and included all these small but grimly practical details that really sold the Gothic realism of the story, like Stephanie wearing a dental bridge because she's had some teeth knocked out in a fight.

[chlothequeen]

Watched Nimona and I think that was the most trans allegory to ever allegory

[musicalmoritz]

It’s canon Mitsuba’s gay?

I’m gonna use this as an excuse to yap because Mitsuba’s queercoding is either weirdly downplayed by fans or used solely for BL shipping purposes so I want to talk about it through the lens of what it means for his character, role in the story, and relationship with Kou

Yes, Mitsuba is canonically gay

Things don’t have to be explicitly stated in order to be canon, subtext is a major part of media analysis. This is something a lot of fans miss which leads to a misunderstanding of the source material. I do have some credentials for this, I’ve taken two undergrad college literature classes in which the subject of queercoding did come up multiple times. Meaning analyzing queercoding has literally gone towards my degree so I feel like my opinion holds some weight (not as much as that of an actual English major but yk I assume I’ve had more education on it than the general TBHK fandom)

There are multiple ways to queercode a character, sometimes it can be as simple as feminizing a man or masculinizing a woman. Though that method might be a bit outdated nowadays with gender roles becoming less strict, it’s still worth keeping in mind when analyzing queer characters. Another way is through romantically colored scenes with characters of the same sex, or by having them hint at disinterest in the opposite sex. Mitsuba checks off all three of these boxes and then some

First off, Mitsuba is attracted to men. This is made extremely obvious through his relationship with Kou but I’m gonna explain it anyways because unfortunately I’ve seen a lot of fans say they’re just platonic

Mitsuba and Kou went on a date. When this is brought up, fans typically jump to the excuse of “but Kou said it wasn’t a date,” which is where my American Lit class is going to come in handy. One of the major things we learned is that authors have to understand that everything they write has some sort of real world connotation. If you write a scene with a doctor, you have to understand that your readers already have preconceived notions of what doctors represent. You can choose to either lean into that or subvert it, but you have to be aware that as soon as a doctor enters the scene, readers have already made assumptions about that character

The word “date” is clearly being used in a romantic context here. When Kou texts his friends and brother about it, they all assume he’s talking about a romantic date. While in the actual context of the scene, Mitsuba and Kou aren’t quite ready to use such a strong label yet, the romantic wording here is still very intentional. AidaIro would not have labeled this moment as a date if they didn’t want readers to view it in a romantic light, because they understand that their readers are going to associate dates with romance. Japanese censorship is really strict, it’s hard to publish stories with explicitly queer characters unless the series is labeled as a BL or GL. And so Japanese manga writers often have to find roundabout ways to express that characters are gay without outright stating it- such as suggesting that they’re going on a date with a character of the same sex

In the printed volume for Vol.20, there’s an editor’s note that mentions that when Kou and Mitsuba are making plans to hang out at the school festival, it holds a romantic implication for the Japanese audience. Cultural differences are important to keep in mind, to western fans this scene might not raise any eyebrows but for its primary audience, it is confirmation that Mitsuba and Kou are romantic. I also find it interesting that the editor felt this context was important enough to warrant clarification

And frankly, their relationship doesn’t make a lot of sense if it’s solely platonic. Male friendship is something TBHK writes very realistically, the male characters aren’t as touchy-feely with their friends as they are with their female love interests. Yokoo and Satou don’t directly ask Kou how he’s feeling when they notice he’s upset, instead they give him a task to distract him- similar to how men in real life cheer their friends up through quality time rather than talking through their emotions like women do (not every man ofc but a good majority of them). When Teru is down, Akane doesn’t hold him and reassure him the way he does with Aoi. There are no grand declarations of ultimate “friendship” the way you see in fan servicy series like Haikyuu. Instead, he used his and Teru’s rivalry to indirectly motivate him to get his head back in the game. When Hanako is sad, Kou cheers him up by making donuts for him and then giving them to Nene so she can pretend she’s the one who made them. This is a very healthy portrayal of male friendship, and Mitsuba and Kou are nothing like this

Mitsuba and Kou both cry and vent to each other multiple times (the Mitsuba Arc, the Picture Perfect Arc, the Nightlife Arc), and instead of comforting each other indirectly they do things like offering to die for each other. You would never see Akane offer to die to make Teru feel better, nor would you Aoi and Nene or Kou and Hanako. It stands out so much from other friendships in the series, even Kou’s friendships with other characters. That is a conscious writing decision, AidaIro make a point to show Mitsuba as an exception for Kou. It’s worth noting that in the same chapter where Yokoo and Satou cheer Kou up indirectly, Mitsuba attempts to directly have him talk about his feelings

They’re also incredibly possessive over one another, in a way friends usually aren’t. When Kou was in the Red House, he was shown his greatest desires, and Mitsuba appeared in one of these. Kou said he knew Mitsuba would appear, which is interesting because at that point he had already picked up on the house showing him what he wanted. But what does he want? He wants Mitsuba to rely on him entirely, to be completely useless without him. He wants Mitsuba to be “no good without him,” to need him so badly that he begs him to die so they can be together. I’m not exaggerating, these are lines pulled straight from the chapter (paraphrased but still). Later on in the Nightlife arc, Kou breaks down when he discovers Mitsuba has been relying on Tsukasa for life-saving help. As for Mitsuba, he wants to die by Kou’s hands. He says it wouldn’t be satisfying if anyone else killed him, and that he would be happy if Kou were to be the last person he spent time with before he died. He tries to trap Kou in a picture perfect world just like Hanako does with Nene, because he wants to live a normal life with him. It’s also shown in one of the extras that Mitsuba cries when Kou ignores him

They’re also drawn very romantically, again we don’t see Teru and Akane this intimate with one another unless they’re fighting. We especially don’t see Kou this intimate with anyone other than Mitsuba, and while Mitsuba is sometimes clingy with Tsukasa we certainly never see him posed romantically with a woman. This comes back to authorial intent and real world connotations, AidaIro know that male friends aren’t typically this close, and therefore casual affection like this will be interpreted in a romantic light. We see them hold hands/wrists multiple times too, Kou gives Mitsuba a piggyback ride in one scene, and in ASHK they had a classic “pinned against the wall” page

I’ll also mention the AUs, because those indicate a lot about the characters as well. In Hanako-Kun of the Opera, Kou poisoned Mitsuba so he could take him away from the opera house and protect him from Tsukasa. He basically kidnapped him. He also stayed with Mitsuba at the opera house for a seemingly long period of time despite hating opera. Aaaaand they’re childhood best friends in this au and Kou took care of Mitsuba while he was sick

Then there’s the Ghost Hotel, where Kou is a werewolf who takes bites out of mummy Mitsuba during full moons. Despite this, the two appear to be friends and Mitsuba helps Kou out around the kitchen. Cannibalism is consistently tied to romance throughout TBHK, most notably with Hakubo and Sumire but other romantic pairings have cannibalistic moments or official arts. During the zombie mokke chapter, Nene panicked when Akane tries to eat her because she assumed it would put her in a love triangle with Aoi. So yeah, cannibalism in TBHK is directly tied to romance and we see that with Mitsukou both in canon and in this au. Speaking of which, I’m not even gonna get into the symbolism of Kou holding a heart out to Mitsuba. Connect the dots for yourselves

Now that we’ve got Mitsukou out of the way, let’s talk about Mitsuba’s disinterest in women

Remember how I said one of the ways queercoding is done is by having a character hint at disinterest in the opposite sex? Yeah, very rarely are we going to see a queercoded male character outright say “I have no attraction to women.” Instead they say they just never saw the appeal in dating, or that they never had time to settle down. In more obvious cases, we have scenes like Reiner from AOT joking that Ymir isn’t all that into guys

I couldn’t find the second scene but there are TWO extras where the subject of Mitsuba’s disinterest in women comes up. C’mon guys I’m trying not to be mean here but you have to be blind, oblivious, or in denial to not pick up on that. Whyyyyy would they mention Mitsuba not having a crush on any girls twice if it weren’t to suggest something about his preference?? Coupled with his appearance (which I’ll get to later) and relationship with Kou, these scenes carry a lot of weight. Even if those other aspects weren’t included, scenes like this would still indicate he has no interest in women (which would make him gay or aroace, though due to his relationship with Kou the aroace thing is kind of ruled out)

Compare this to a scene where Mitsuba thinks he’s being asked out by a man. He doesn’t say “hmmm nope no guys, I’m cuter than all of them~” he specifically says “I’m not interested in guys with lame earrings.” The way this is worded implies that Mitsuba is discussing a type, though it’s v much a comedic scene and we know from everything else that he absolutely does like guys with lame earrings, it’s still worded in a way that makes him appear queer. If he were straight, they would have had him say he’s not interested in guys at all (like Dazai from Bungou Stray Dogs, John Watson from BBC Sherlock, Finn Hudson from Glee, idk there are a lot of male characters that are explicit straight sorry for the crazy random list). Also note how he teases Kou about it, he knows that Kou is fond of him and doesn’t hesitate to use that against him (like when he was comforting him during the Nightlife arc)

They don’t go overboard with Mitsuba’s disinterest in women because, well, that’s not really necessary. Two scenes is already a lot, and he doesn’t have any romantic relationships with women in canon (even as a crush/a joke scene). It’s rare for TBHK characters to have absolutely no scenes expressing interest in the opposite sex, since the series is partially a romance. But Mitsuba consistently only ever shows interest in one man, and when girls are brought up he’s quick to brush it off. His mom did think Nene was his girlfriend when they met, but this was depicted as a very awkward and comedic scene. Because the premise of Mitsuba having a girlfriend is objectively hilarious

(Due to Sousuke’s young age it’s reasonable to assume he wasn’t out to his mom yet, he’s around the age where most kids are closeted. It’s even possible that Sousuke hadn’t come to terms with his sexuality yet, though it’s still a prevalent part of both his character and No.3’s)

Now let’s move onto appearances. I want to give a quick disclaimer, not all gay men are feminine and not all feminine men are gay. Androgyny is also very common in anime and doesn’t automatically mean a character is gay, but there are cases when it’s used for queercoding. Mitsuba is one of these cases

Mitsuba is a very feminine character, this is addressed as soon as he shows up in the manga. He was bullied for his appearance (and personality), but unlike his personality he never tried to change his feminine appearance. He kept his hair long, continues to wear scarves and cardigans and earrings. No.3 wears these things as well, and I would argue has a more feminine personality since he seems to be more open about his emotions and idk. I struggle to categorize feminine and masculine traits because imo that’s subjective but there are things society deems feminine vs. masculine. The problem is that I really dislike the whole “men are strong and women are emotional” thing but ehhhh I guess I have to talk about it for this. Hmph. But yeah although Mitsuba isn’t exactly the biggest sweetheart ever, he does act somewhat feminine compared to the other male characters (as I’ve said he’s p much the only man in the series who attempts to work through emotional conflicts directly)

Once again we circle back to intent, AidaIro know that a male character dressed in pink with pink eyes and long pink hair is going to raise some eyebrows. Even by androgynous anime standards, it’s a bit much. And good for him, although not all gay men are feminine, some are and that’s also fine. I can’t speak on how well he represents feminine gay men because I’m a lesbian but he does dress similar to some of the feminine gay men I’ve known irl (or slightly less feminine in some cases…I knew this one dude in high school who used to wear corsets to class and he was so badass I hope he’s doing well)

I could get into how Kou is a bit feminized too with the whole housework thing but this ain’t abt him. I will say that Kou is still a very masculine character but despite this his character is feminized in some ways compared to the other men. I’m not really here to discuss whether that’s good or bad, I’m just stating the evidence as it is, you can make your own conclusions as to how you feel about it

So how does being queer impact Mitsuba’s character arc?

When I get around to writing my analyses of all the TBHK characters I WILL be talking more in depth about the queer allegories with Mitsuba’s character but for now I’ll give ya’ll a quick summary. Supernatural characters have been used for years to represent queerness, the same could be said for villains and any character trope that represents a feeling of “otherness.” Sometimes it’s more broad like X-Men, where the superpowered characters are used to represent all types of minorities (though I believe X-Men is more closely tied to race, there are rampant queer themes as well). Then there’s books like Interview with the Vampire that get more specific with it, where Louis denying his “true nature” as a vampire is used as an allegory for him denying his queerness. Well I’m here to tell you that Mitsuba and Louis de Pointe du Lac are in the same boat

Mitsuba differs from the other supernaturals because he desperately tries to hold on to feelings of normalcy. He wants to be a normal human and live a normal human life. He doesn’t want to be othered, to be outcasted from society for something he can’t control. We don’t see Hanako, Tsuchigomori, Mei, or any of the other supernatural characters struggle with this. You could argue that Akane does but his situation is more related to learning to empathize with others than any internal battles within himself. Hanako may have moments of wishing him and Nene could have something more, but that’s more about romance than his identity.

This desire to be “normal” is unique to Mitsuba’s character, and it’s a very queer desire. Being an angsty teenager who hasn’t fully accepted themself yet and hasn’t realized that being queer is not only normal, but a beautiful experience. It’s also so interesting to me that as he’s trying so hard to be normal, it creates a push and pull between him and Kou. He wants to be normal for Kou but he also feels that he’s hurting Kou just by existing, that this could only end bad for him. Oh the inherent guilt of having your first gay crush and feeling like you're corrupting them hist for pining from afar

So, can you ship him with women? Technically you can do anything, shipping isn’t illegal and we all have free will. Should you ship him with women is more subjective, I personally think no!! Queerness is not just a sexuality, it’s an identity that deeply impacts who you are as a person. It shapes your experiences and your view of yourself, and in an allegorical way it has certainly done this for Mitsuba. Yes, bi people are queer as well and this is still true for them, but bisexuality is not Mitsuba’s experience. Mono-attraction exists and that specification is very important to gay men and lesbians. For some people sexuality is fluid and that’s beautiful, but it doesn’t work that way for everyone

Some queer fans don’t care if gay characters are shipped with members of the opposite sex, and they’re entitled to their own opinions. It makes me immensely uncomfortable tho, so please block me if you ship Mitsuba with women. That goes for any ships between canon gay/lesbian characters and the opposite sex. I respect people’s right to have opinions but that doesn’t mean I have to like the opinions themselves, and I don’t have to engage with anything that makes me uneasy. That goes for all of you btw, never let people convince you that you have to put up with shit you hate on the internet lmao, this is not real life babes. Block and move on

TL;DR

Mitsuba is too gay to function

[vasito-de-leche]

;R1999 MEDICINE POCKET - General Headcanons

Compilation of headcanons and analysis on Medicine Pocket as a character and other related things.

started going thru my askbox, saw there's an insane amount of medpoc prompts, and then realized I haven't thought that deeply about this feral dog so here we are!

I missed doing analysis like this oooo the feeling of neurons making connections as I go thru the character's entire page oooo. since I still don't have them, screenshots and examples will be taken directly from the fandom wikia as usual!

On the subject of intersex identities, Medicine Pocket's mother and their gender identity.

It's worth noting that as of the time writing this (with GL currently in 2.2 and CN having just released 2.5) the game still has only two characters who have been confirmed to live outside of the gender binary, both released during launch; The Fool, who uses male pronouns but states that he has no gender, and Medicine Pocket, who couldn't care less about pronouns and explicitly mentions being intersex in one of their voicelines.

The game is consistent with this, as Medicine Pocket is often referred to with "they/them" pronouns, and occasionally "he/him," such as a daily tidbit from November 18th 2024.

As far as I know, they've yet to refer to Medicine Pocket with female pronouns.

While Medicine Pocket seems to approach the subject of gender identity as an afterthought at best and a nuisance at worst, never stating which labels they identify with, it's important to note that they're still openly queer. Upon a first reading, I didn't think much of them, but now I realize that a big chunk of their character does focus on their queerness in ways that are just as unconventional as they are.

Their 01 Story allows us to learn about Medicine Pocket's background, namely their mother, as it focuses on her for the most part. This is also the second instance of Medicine Pocket's status as an intersex person being brought up.

While I'm not intersex myself, I'm a nonbinary queer person who is fully aware of the many, many convoluted and cruel ways society has enforced in order to "correct" and assimilate us into the norm, such as conversion therapy and intersex surgeries, all done with the pretense of "helping us adapt." Medicine Pocket seems to be an example of this.

One may interpret this as a misguided but well-meaning attempt from a concerned mother, but I interpret it as a heartless moment of dehumanization.

In this Story, there is a very clear parallel being drawn between the dogs at the kennel she owns and her own child, between money as her only source of happiness and the necessity to pay for her child's operation.

Her entire world and business revolves around the kennel, it's stated to be a family business with good reputation, and the dogs are described as a positive thing--"man's best friend," and friends who can keep you company--but her reaction to both is of indifference and, at worst, contempt.

The priority here isn't the thriving family business, nor the dogs she's selling to the University of Utah, nor what will come out of the experiments they will go through; the priority is the money.

And what is this money for? Her own child's operation, with the specific intent of helping them become "an ordinary person." Not for their health, not because they asked for this--because she wants them to be normal, thus highlighting the themes of assimilation within society.

As seen before, Medicine Pocket confirms they lack any reproductive organs. I don't know enough to speculate or research what sort of medical condition they have, but the fact that they say "I just don't have any reproductive organs" could imply they did not receive that operation in the end. After all, becoming "ordinary" would imply living within the binary of female or male genitals exclusively.

With the lack of information about their childhood, I personally like to headcanon that this is when the parallels between Medicine Pocket and dogs continues from their mother's perspective; maybe the cons outdo the pros, maybe the procedure was too expensive, maybe she didn't feel like nurturing this specific puppy anymore, regardless of the reasoning, Medicine Pocket's mother simply chose to give them away to someone else who had a use for them. Exactly like the previous batch of puppies.

As agile as usual, her child got into the white van without looking back. That van had taken away countless almost-weaned puppies from their mothers, and on this day, it was doing the same thing to her.

Another personal headcanon I have following that one is that Medicine Pocket was given away for experimentation purposes given their uniqueness--an intersex arcanist child. It certainly lines up with other darker themes within the game, such as the treatment orphaned arcanist children receive within SPDM, the ableism and bigoted mindsets towards arcanists that parallel real issues in real life, and the appropriation of arcanist culture into human society, etc etc.

Of course, in retrospect, there is also something bittersweet in the way that the only thing Medicine Pocket seems to have inherited from their mother is the aspect of money, as a big part of their character is based around finding ways to receive funding for their experiments. Money is the focus of their Insight voiceline, their First Encounter voiceline also involves finding new investors, and there is a distinct focus on how much Medicine Pocket's actions COST Laplace overall, even in the Main Story. Their Story 02 is literally named "The Wrecker of Laplace" and involves their expenses report. This is a very small detail and connection, but I found it quite interesting!

The last thing I want to bring up for this specific bullet point is how Medicine Pocket grew up to be exactly everything their mother did not care about.

The opposite of an ordinary person; they are considered an unconventional albeit irritating genius within Laplace, as seen in their Storyboard.

They are a noisy dog who went out and pioneered an abundance of inventions and research, such as the development of Picrasma Candy shown above, their study of arcanist bloodlines and an arcanist's arcanum that later helps Enigma during Chapter 7 "Vereinsamt," and more. They are a team leader and a renowned, published biological researcher, as seen in the LSCC trailer and another voiceline of theirs.

It is a testament to Medicine Pocket's determination, stubbornness and self-centered personality, the way they were able to thrive in life and in every aspect that their mother did not care about nor support. And this aspect relates heavily to their Beast Afflatus and animalistic themes!

On the subject of Medicine Pocket's self-experimentation, animals and Laplace

We already discussed the way Medicine Pocket has been compared to the kennel dogs sold for experimentation, but we only explored this from their mother's perspective. On a general level, we can understand that Medicine Pocket's animalistic and dog-like behaviour exists because they were raised alongside these very same dogs, and their affinity for Beagles is a direct reference to the "Beagle Club" radiation experiments--it's a very clear motif within their character, but I would still like to expand on it a little!

First of all, we need to talk about Laplace, its ethics and practices. So bear with me!

Over the course of the recent patches, we have seen certain members of Laplace being shown together for most promotional material; this is later on confirmed within 37's Anecdote as a "friend group" consisting of 37, Mesmer Jr, X, Medicine Pocket and Ezra. For this discussion, we are going to set aside 37, an outsider to Laplace, and Ezra, a human character.

Both X and Medicine Pocket both have animals commonly used for experimentation as their Udimos; X has a Laboratory mouse, and Medicine Pocket has a Beagle puppy. On the other hand, we have Mesmer Jr. whose Udimo is not an animal, but a representation of the Artificial Somnambulism Therapy machine. With this, we can trace a pattern within the arcanists of Laplace, which paints them as not only expendable resources, but as something a little more tragic considering their respective themes--X, who harbors a deep-seated hatred for authorities that abuse their power (as seen in his own Anecdote), Medicine Pocket, who is based on the "Beagle Club" radiation experiments, and Mesmer Jr., who carries internalized bigotry for her own kind and is treated as nothing but an extension of her family's legacy.

While I won't be discussing the broad history of animal rights and ethics in experiments from real life, there are lines to be connected between these specific themes and the dehumanization of these characters--which also extends to the rest of members of Laplace like Lucy and Ulrich, by virtue of being Awakened and not being able to comply within the expected "norm" of humans, nor arcanists (the main theme of "Vereinsamt"). As players, we understand Enigma's reaction to Lucy being demoted, and there is a nuanced conversation to be had about the consequences of Lucy's orders even if they led to a great outcome; it is both tragic and inspiring.

But we must also understand this: Lucy's actions are still objectively within the scope of the Foundation's own history and ethics as I've mentioned them before, she is merely being used as a scapegoat due to the visibility of these casualties, which causes the Foundation to lose face.

And how does this relate exactly to Medicine Pocket?

Because their work ethic of self-experimentation follows this very same pattern. In the trail "Experiment Record" from Chapter 6 "E Lucevan le Stelle" Stage 19, which details the process of making Picrasma Candy safe for consumption, the extra addendums indicate that the one consuming all this candy during the experiments is none other than Medicine Pocket.

Their self-experimentation is only considered an issue and a nuisance because they are loud, reckless and take up space and resources. Because this is a coworker who canonically runs on all fours when excited, bites furniture and chases after frisbees, exactly like a dog.

Out of the three characters discussed before, only two are able to subvert the expectations of their respective Udimos: X and Medicine Pocket. The former by putting on an innocent and obedient act while doing whatever he wants behind the scenes, and the latter by being so shamelessly disobedient and self-serving that it is near impossible to stop them.

After a quick and surface look into why beagles were used for the experiments, some articles mention their docile and compliant nature, the total opposite of Medicine Pocket's personality. The subversion is clear there. Rather than being someone else's guinea pig, Medicine Pocket happily uses their own body as their main playground to test their experiments and research; look at their third item, "Beagle 0-1 Fluid Analysis Apparatus," which quite literally turns their own blood as a weapon, aside from monitoring their vitals. They have voicelines urging Vertin to give them a full dose despite the potential dangers, or noting the effects of another self-inflicted experiment--both their "Sleeves and Hands" and "Clothing and Torso" voicelines respectively.

Rather than assimilating within "proper" lab etiquette and polite society, Medicine Pocket is shamelessly themself above all, doing the things they want to do whenever they want to. There are many ways to read their character; perhaps, because their mother took away their bodily agency, they can now reclaim power over their identity by being as chaotic as a feral puppy or by using their body for self-experimentation. Perhaps they have a special connection with dogs because of the way they were raised and thus actively chose to act like one, since they felt more like family than their own mother, etc etc.

This aspect of reclaiming power over their own body and identity, alongside the way others openly disapprove of them for various different reasons, can be seen within the Beast Afflatus--which focuses on the focus of the individual, one's survival and struggle against traditions or systems that aim to contain them, the power and freedom to choose and carve a way for oneself. It's the struggle of one person against the majority. All of these things can be seen in Medicine Pocket!

Round of extra headcanons I didn't have the energy to fit anywhere else

I like to think Medicine Pocket's hair is white (simply because their eyebrows also seem to be white in art) so the brown parts are dyed specifically to look more like a beagle.

Alongside being intersex and nonbinary, they also couldn't care less about conventional romantic relationships--while uninterested in sexual relationships overall, I can see them having meaningless one-night stands for research specifically. They're shameless and very open about it. The only type of serious commitment I can see them having are QRPs, but their partners get bullied even harder by them so no one is sure if this is a good thing or not.

Medicine Pocket has one voiceline which states that they do even more fucked up experiments in the suitcase; I like to think they're the equivalent of the ThoughtEmporium over on Youtube, doing things like getting rid of their own lactose intolerance, creating meat grapes and such.

They just happen to be allergic to most things that dogs are allergic to. In the same vein, they bark but it sounds nowhere close like a proper dog's bark and everyone thinks its sort of cringe, but saying this out loud within their vicinity will only earn you One Huge Fucking Chomp from them.

Unlike Pavia, who does not quite keep track of the names of the wolfpack, Medicine Pocket can tell apart every single dog they meet, no matter how identical or how long it's been since they last saw them. They have a lot of knowledge on how to care for animals from their childhood, and often bring back all sorts of dogs; from rescues to literally stealing someone else's dog just be cause they thought its owner was being a shithead. It's usually a problem, because they often just sneak them into their office without telling anyone and suddenly it's Barbie's Great Puppy Chase Adventure in Laplace.

I also like to think that the dogs they're not allowed to truly keep are given away to people Medicine Pocket personally checks and makes sure will be a good fit for the dog.

[melocherie]

im not sure if the whole lavenoor situation is like done and dusted with, but honestly there was always some parts of the story that rubbed me the wrong way. like how elsa's genderbent was weirdly fixated on sex and erotica, since he was a KID. bcus wdym you found an erotic novel laying around? IT MAKES NO SENSE. WHY WOULD AN ISOLATED CHARACTER HAVE ACCESS TO SUCH STUFF?

hmm.  i  actually  don’t  find  it  strange  to  depict  children  as  having  interest  in  nsfw  content  within  reason.  there’s  a  difference  between  sexualizing  a  child  and  a  child  character  exploring  their  sexuality,  and  noor  clearly  modeled  espen’s  discovery  from  her  own  experiences  of  being  exposed  to  adult  content  as  a  young  girl.  not  to  mention  that  some  children,  regardless  of  age,  enjoy  sexual  content.  this  could  be  due  to  any  combination  of  purity  culture  demonizing  sex  and  thus  leading  to  children  obsessing  over  it,  sexual  abuse,  hypersexuality,  or  just  plain  curiosity.  unless  the  author  is  obviously  just  perving  on  their  child  character,  i  don't  see  anything  wrong  with  depicting  real  people.

if  there  is  one  aspect  of  espen’s  character  that  i  dislike,  it’s  noor’s  treatment  of  his  sexuality. 

it’s  important  to  note  that  she  is  asexual  and  i  am  not,  so  please  take  this  with  a  grain  of  salt,  but  i  always  found  it  odd  that  she  picked  a  character  she  knew  many  people  had  headcanoned  to  be  lesbian/asexual  and  then  purposefully  reworked  them  to  be  a  horndog  straight  man.

she  ranted  about  how  you  shouldn't  solely  headcanon  characters  who  are  cold/unemotional  as  ace,  which  i  agree  with,  and  it's  fine  that  her  elsa  isn't  queer,  but  explicitly  making  them  interested  in  sexual  content  because  she  disliked  the  asexual  headcanons is…?  i  understand  she  was  hoping  to  demonstrate  how  stoic  characters  can  still  be  sexual,  but  straight  sexuality  is  the  norm.  purity  culture  is  it’s  own  separate  discussion  but  even  then,  it  has  always  been  acceptable  for  a  man  to  be  horny.  instead,  if  she  yearns  for  good  asexual  headcanons,  shouldn't  she  be  the  first  to  write  the  princes  as  asexual?  only  jasmir  is  on  the  aspec  spectrum,  but  i  don't  think  his  queerness  is  properly  explored  in  canon.  yes,  his  trauma  from  sexualization  is  discussed,  but  i  don't  believe  his  subsequent  disinterest  in  romance  and  sex  receives  the  same  amount  of  attention  (admittedly,  i  may  be  wrong  about  this.)  otherwise,  creel  is  the  only  other  ace  character,  and  i  don't  think  any  of  the  characters  from  mc’s  hometown  are  significant  enough  to  count as  meaningful  representation.

imo,  the  easiest  solution  would  be  to  introduce  anna,  the  character  whose  life  was  saved  by  platonic  love,  as  asexual  instead.  anna,  who  is  fiery,  passionate,  and  a romantic,  is  an  excellent  example  of  how  you  can  be  asexual  while  still  holding  love  in  your  heart.  it  would  also  be  far  less  infuriating  if  anton  already  had  a  complex  relationship  with  love  and  sexuality,  rather  than  having  him  be  lectured  about  how  society  should  allow  men  and  women  to  be  friends.  way  to  go  girl,  you  really  cured  anna’s  crippling   loneliness  from  becoming  an  orphan  and  being  isolated  from  her  remaining  family  (fuck  mc,  all  my  homies  hate  mc.)

[kerokasa]

re: the language of queerness in project sekai

i’m specifically using queer here to denote a type of subject-position/relationship to society, rather than any specific identities a character might hold. i don’t think a game like project sekai is particularly interested in ever putting straightforward labels on characters, even though a character like mizuki clearly reads as trans to many players.

which ofc is my entire point… the game communicates a lot of information about mizuki without a lot of direct references to identity, instead using the language of difference as a euphemism for transness/queerness.

an event like “beside unchanging warmth” ultimately points to a trans story without stating anything explicitly, and i think it’s interesting to read it while paying attention to what the word choices are actually doing here.

in flashbacks to elementary school mizuki, the word “weird” (変/hen) is doing so much heavy lifting. it’s a word that inherently calls up a certain kind of relation/power dynamic between what is considered normal vs abnormal. the language is walking this precarious line of saying-not-saying, where nobody actually defines what makes mizuki “weird”; the responsibility is placed on the reader to infer that mizuki wearing frilly/cute (feminine) clothes is seen as transgressive by her classmates.

it feels important that mizuki seems especially hurt by the word “weird” in this flashback, and i think the line delivery supports this as well. contextually, i can’t help but read it as a stand-in for more overtly derogatory language/transphobia, softened and sanitized by replacing anything specific with a comparatively broad adjective like “weird.”

(this raises a lot of interesting questions for me wrt what makes queerness legible in translation / in my experience, anglophone fans are often looking for specific markers of identity when said identities generally originate from a certain class of euroamerican queer culture and academia! which is not to say prsk should or should not be more explicit in depicting trans characters; it’s just another point of discussion)

all this leads me to other instances in which the game draws attention to weirdness/difference — and the reasons i believe both mizuki and rui’s storylines evoke queer coming-of-age plots.

this might be slightly controversial to say, but it’s hard not to draw the connection given their middle school friendship, and how much rui’s background emphasizes the same ideas of weirdness/difference. even their final kizuna rank, which is correctly translated in english to say “i guess we’re both different” (僕達も変わったものだね) returns to that word 変 that upset baby mizuki so much.

i’ve seen some people argue that rui’s backstory should just be read as an indicator of his neurodivergence and well. for what it’s worth, i’m gay and neurodivergent like every other goddamn person on this site and within the context of rui’s arc throughout the game, i think there’s still a very strong argument to be made that mizuki and rui bonded over their shared experience of being queer.

after all, why is mizuki having “weird” taste in clothes taken as unassailable evidence of her transness if rui’s “weird” thinking cannot also be read as queer (or queer and neurodivergent)?

i will note that rui’s insecurities have never centered around an inability to communicate with his classmates (unlike nene, whose arc is VERY much about her becoming comfortable around new people and realizing that they want to be her friends). although other students are afraid of him, rui is a skilled communicator in public and doesn’t appear bothered by social interaction.

rather, rui’s insecurities center on this idea that he is dangerous to the people around him / he expects to be punished for expressions of vulnerability or intimacy.

fan communities nowadays sometimes forget the origins of “queer coding” as a concept in cultural criticism. going back to classically queer coded disney villains, romantic/sexual interest isn’t really a huge part of what makes these characters queer coded. rather, it’s about presentation — stereotypically effeminate mannerisms, ursula’s visual resemblance to drag queens in the little mermaid, vocal inflections that audiences (often subconsciously) associate with gay men in particular.

queer coding is shorthand that tells the audience these characters are sinister, untrustworthy, duplicitous. it’s rooted in a history of homophobic and transphobic rhetoric that paints queer and trans people as insidious, contagious (as in the AIDS epidemic), corrupting and luring innocent straight youth into degenerate queer life.

which brings me back to why i think a queer interpretation of rui’s backstory makes it so much richer and more meaningful. starting in the main story and then really coming to the forefront in wonder halloween, rui has internalized this belief that he is a danger to his peers. that his desire for closeness will always inevitably cross a line and he will end up rejected and alone.

this mirrors a really common, familiar experience of being a closeted gay teenager and the fear of how the people around you would react to your identity. in many cases, people are afraid of coming out because of how their friendships will inevitably be sexualized, or they’ll distance themselves in order to prevent anyone from misinterpreting their relationships and intentions.

personally speaking, i really identify with rui for these reasons, even if the story uses his inventions/directing as the stated reason for his fears. it’s really not until the formation of wxs (and meeting tsukasa specifically, as mizuki and the pandemonium trio have pointed out) that rui begins to feel safe enough to be honest and vulnerable about his desires both on and off the stage.

and it is important that it’s tsukasa in the end! tsukasa flips the script that rui is used to — rui has cut himself off to avoid rejection, but tsukasa is the one who seeks rui out, invites him into the troupe, works for him to stay. tsukasa recognizes something in rui and for the first time, someone isn’t reacting from a place of fear or simply not understanding the scope of rui’s vision, but instead he wants the very thing that rui thinks he needs to suppress. it’s also significant that tsukasa is another boy, and it’s significant that the idea of “weirdness” comes back in the form of “oddball 1-2”, which reframes difference as something that connects rui and tsukasa as a unit. he is no longer alone because he’s too weird, but now that same weirdness brings him closer to another person.

i also think it’s so fascinating how mizuki and rui bond over their shared difference or “loneliness,” and the game presents it as these 2 people who really have nothing in common besides their loneliness — i think mizuki says something along the lines of being happy that rui has found people that can relate to him outside of simply being lonely. it reminds me of my own experience being closeted in high school and somehow drifting into spaces with other kids who eventually came out as queer/trans, and how we were each on our own parallel journeys without ever really talking about it with one another, or how gay/lesbian communities in small towns are often very close out of necessity (unlike in big cities, where gay/lesbian communities don’t overlap as much because they don’t need to). it’s as if rui and mizuki have a shared understanding that even if the other’s particular experience is inaccessible to them, they have to be each other’s support system.

all this is to say. mizuki’s story only really makes sense to me as a trans story. similarly, rui’s story is so much richer when read in a queer context. nobody has to agree with me and i don’t really care about the game’s ultimate intent, but i just wanted to articulate how i personally find a lot of value in interpreting these characters in this way.

[cleolinda]

Weekend links, June 23, 2025

My posts

Hello. It is Monday. Monday is not the weekend. On Saturday, my air conditioning went out. By Sunday night, it was 91 entire degrees Fahrenheit (32.778°C) in my bedroom. We did get an HVAC guy over to the house Sunday evening--really pretty quickly, all things considered--and he replaced the thermostat. That was the problem. Now I can change the temperature using my phone while in bed? My life is so rich. Anyway, this morning a toilet got cranky and we had to call a plumber, who tried to upsell my mom on a $4000 water heater nobody asked about. Let's look at some links. 

While working on the next Silent Hill 2 commentary, I offloaded some tangents to @beneath-the-null-moon, including the one where I argue that the note about infested ivy is the key to the mystery of the rainy window. As theories go, it makes exactly as much sense as that sentence does to you right now.  

Meanwhile, @idoherty451 will be streaming the rest of Toluca Prison on Wednesday; that's the day I'm having another spinal pain block, so it's anyone's guess as to whether I'll be in chat. However, he's having a guest on to discuss the storytelling, and I'll post a few clips from my first run of the game back in February to ease my FOMO. Here's a playlist of our combined commentaries.

Reblogs of interest

Happy Hill House Day to all who celebrate

Get your Pride Month Spite Cookbook!

"i saw the words 'ur not the first person in your lineage to be queer' and it’s rocking me to my core."

"BREAKING: MIT just completed the first brain scan study of ChatGPT users & the results are terrifying." From the linked thread: "You write something, hit save, and your brain has already forgotten it because ChatGPT did the thinking. Brain scans revealed the damage: neural connections collapsed from 79 to just 42. That's a 47% reduction in brain connectivity."

So anyway, now people think ChatGPT has a higher self that can access the Akashic Records

Shenanigan alert: "I’m trying to play a funny trick on Google’s AI to see if it spews this made up fact uncritically!" AI Engorgement may trigger a complete dissolution of truth within a model, leading it to back conspiracy theories, clearly debunked facts, and mistake fiction for reality. I'm doing my part.

I'm either so sleep-deprived or so jaded that I thought these services were real until just now. I'm sure Poob still has it for me, though.

Cut it out with the doomerism while people are still making such a difference.

SUSHI FOR THE ROBOT

Here's four mascara-adjacent products you can use to get the no-mascara look

October 12, 2012: "I got a couple of movies from Netflix and they had these cool Halloween-themed mailers."

Some anime history for you: the saga of Endless Eight

Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD: "[The author of the book] explicitly says that a well-organized adhd house will not look like a well-organized NT house, and that is absolutely fine. Organization has to be about what works for you."

"What You See vs. What You Don’t: Autism Edition." Tag yourself, I'm "alone in a shopping mall"

The latest in the NOT WHAT I'M CALLED meme, "bear minimum"

Phragmites, Scourge of the Wetlands

"important life update: my dog came out of the woods with half of an artisanal baguette"

What have the animals been doing with papa today?

Nathalie Seiller Dejean's delicate straw work, which ended up on the runway for Dior

I just really love this spiderweb brooch.

"TLDR: It was deserved and Mrs. Queen did nothing wrong," and that's what's important.

Video

In honor of Juneteenth, here's Josh Johnson explaining it in 19 minutes.

Henrik Edoyan's "I did not do what was written…", read aloud in Armenian 

"he's like someone has designed a dog from memory"

"For those of you who dont get to see fireflies. Yes they are real and yes they are gentle"

The sacred texts

"hi op here I certainly did not fucking say Taylor Swift is bi" has somehow gotten worse 

Personal tag of the week

Let's go with silent hill series. I don't know who this dog is, but I already love him. What a time to be alive. At Del-Taco.

[queerslurheritageposts]

QUEER SLUR HERITAGE POSTS

Hi! You can call me Fairy (any pronouns). This is a blog for queers, fags, dykes, trannies, fairies, fruits, and everybody else under the rainbow. You are welcome here. (Unless you're a fuckin TERF in which case get the fuck away from us.)

The blog runs on a queue, but feel free to submit things! We do tag by word for the sake of finding things more easily, but if you want your post removed please reach out to us and be respectful.

---

CAUSES These links lead to regularly updated spreadsheets of verified fundraisers. Please donate if you can!!

🇵🇸 Click here or here for fundraisers in support of Palestinians trying to escape the genocide.

___

FAQ below the cut

How do I submit a post?

Thanks for helping out! You can either DM it or send the link via asks.

Why is [this] not a heritage post? usually the reasoning is either that it doesn't have enough notes (minimum is 10k), or that the only "slur" used is queer. We have chosen not to mark posts using queer as heritage posts unless they are explicitly discussing its use as a slur, and taking pride in that.

Why don't you consider queer a slur (for this blog)? Language evolves- the word queer has reached a point where it is used commercially and academically, and is often just used interchangeably with LGBT. For this reason, it is no longer a slur in the same sense as "faggot" or the like. Personally we still regard it as a slur specifically because its history as one and its former meanings hold importance to our identity.

Why you you switch between using I and We? This blog is run by a system, and we have the tendency to use these first-person pronouns interchangeably. We'd rather not get farther into it on this blog.

I'm [insert queer identity] can I call myself a fag/dyke?

yes.

But I'm nervous because [identity related nuance or specifics].

Still yes.

Can I call myself a tranny?

Look, you can call yourself whatever you want if you feel it fits you. I don't actually care that much nor do I have the authority to grant you a faggot pass or whatever. You can do whatever you want forever and you need no one's permission. I love you be free

[cto10121]

Stumbled upon this video essay on Musical Rebecca and how Kunze/Lévay supposedly departed drastically from the book’s themes by romanticizing Ich and Maxim’s relationship, and I have Des Notes(tm):

The claim that the novel is not a love story but a study of jealousy. Obviously…romantic jealousy. 🤣 Granted, the narrator also has self-esteem issues, but the moment Maxim says he never loved Rebecca, the narrator’s seething jealousy of her literally vanished. It is very much dependent on her love for Maxim and her belief that he did love Rebecca.

While Maxim did murder Rebecca in the book, it should be noted that little to nothing contradicts his claim that Rebecca was a bad person. Outside of Maxim’s POV, Du Maurier wrote numerous red flags. To whit:

Ben is afraid of Rebecca (she threatened to send him to the asylum, per him). Frank, who had a wholeass affair with Rebecca, tells the narrator directly that goodness is more important to a man than beauty. Beatrice, who is depicted as straightforward and honest, doesn’t praise Rebecca outside of her beauty and charm, forgot Gran loved Rebecca, and deals with the narrator with uncharacteristic patience. Even Mrs. Danvers proudly boasted that Rebecca once flogged a horse. And then there is the fact that all of Rebecca’s closest intimates are creeps and sleazeballs. Mrs. Danvers and Favell may have their sympathetic moments (as in, they did care about Rebecca), but that doesn’t mean they are depicted as good people.

And then there is the fact that Rebecca deliberately manipulated Maxim into killing her, lol. The final twist is that she had cancer and was looking for a quick end. Mrs. Danvers confirms, even before she knew of this diagnosis, that Rebecca feared getting sick and would have wanted a quick end. Her pregnancy was a lie meant to push Maxim to his limits, and it worked.

If Du Maurier wanted to make Maxim shady and unreliable, she wouldn’t have done any of this. Instead, she did everything possible to justify Maxim and buttress his claim that Rebecca was bad, which is no doubt part of why the narrator forgives Maxim so easily.

So on that count, what the novel ends up saying in terms of theme is less “traditionalist chauvinist husband murders his flawed but morally clean modern ex-wife” and more “abuse victim finally retaliates against his abuser and struggles to recover from his trauma with the help of another abuse victim.” Problematic? Yeah, highly so (except for the abuse victim overcoming trauma part). But that’s the way Du Maurier wrote it. She absolutely gave Maxim (almost) every reason.

So in adapting the book to a musical, Kunze decided to opt to emphasize out this romantic strain of the novel. Understandable, given that musicals are very romance-friendly and don’t do thrillers easily. But it’s still not a radical interpretation from Du Maurier’s work. You do get Rebecca fans and defenders, but given that a pro-Rebecca fanfic sequel irked most fans, it’s safe to say most fans agree that Rebecca was bad and Maxim was a victim.

Bonus: As for the novel’s queer coding, it should be noted that in the novel, Mrs. Danvers explicitly says Rebecca never loved anyone. Not just men. This supports the whole Rebecca-as-sociopath canonical strain (although ace headcanons are a possibility) and less the interpretation of Rebecca being a possibly queer woman silenced forever by her murderous macho husband. Also, Beatrice is perhaps just as queer coded than Rebecca herself, and it is heavily implied (and Maxim confirms it) that she didn’t like her, found her fishy.

So in sum: This is less Book-to-Musical Wicked and more Book-to-Musical Notre Dame de Paris. Subtle thematic shifts, same plot, some changes to make it more musical-friendly. Sounds like your everyday book-to-musical adaptation to me.

[haru-dipthong]

Fansub release + translation notes for Utena ep 23!

Another episode with a title change. I feel like I’m getting more liberal with these — I don’t think this one strictly had to change, but I prefer this translation over the original.

条件 can mean qualifications, conditions or requirements. For example, 条件付きの契約 (a contract with conditions), 一定の条件を満たす物件 (a property that meets my requirements). The phrase “Qualifications of a Duellist” evokes for me a stack of paperwork that a person has to complete before they’re allowed to duel, which isn’t right. The intended meaning is more like “What Qualifies One to be a Duellist”, but this is too verbose, so I reduced it down to “What Makes a Duellist”.

The reason I changed the title in this case was again because some of the dialogue calls back to the title, and I wanted to make those callbacks clear. In particular, this line:

You met someone important to you, long ago. And your life was forever changed. That’s why you’re here. That illusion. That’s what makes you a duellist!

だから決闘場に入れたのさ！(lit. That’s why you can enter the Duelling Arena!)

Mikage doesn’t explicitly say the word 条件 here, but he is making the point that Utena’s fixation on their memory of the past is something that all duellists NEED before they can even enter the arena — in other words, a requirement, a condition (of entry). That memory is what makes one a duellist!

Miki: But I thought you hated them, Nanami. Nanami: I don’t like her, but the student council is in crisis.

I’ve talked about pronouns a few times before, especially early on in the project, but it’s been a while since something like this has come up so I thought I might revisit my reasoning and strategy behind the conflicting pronoun choice for Utena here.

As the student council comes to accept Utena for who they are, I decided their use of a gender neutral pronoun for Utena would indicate their closeness with Utena as a friend and their understanding of them as a person. For Miki, he becomes friends with Utena and his use of the “they” pronoun is meant to indicate that he’s accommodating his friend’s identity, even if he doesn’t understand it.

For Juri, her use of “they” for Utena is more hostile. It’s a way of distancing herself from Utena. It’s her way of accepting that Utena is not “one of them” (as in a perpetuator of heteronormativity) but also not like her. I think Juri rationalises that Utena must not be a woman, since Utena is entitled to miracles and happiness (and Juri is not) despite seeing a shared queerness in the both of them.

Nanami still sees Utena as a woman at this point in the story. She hasn’t yet gone through a development that would allow her to gender Utena as nonbinary. That’s why we get this brutal exchange where Miki they/thems Utena, and Nanami pointedly contradicts that gendering with her own.

Of course, none of this exists in the Japanese because they rarely use third person pronouns (though Nanami does use 彼女 for Utena in this scene in particular). There is no passive-aggressive fighting over how to gender Utena. But I like this as a tool to compensate for the inability to translate Utena’s first person pronoun, so despite it not being something that explicitly exists in the original, these themes and ideas do exist, and I want to use them in an English language way.

@dontbe-lasanya did an particularly awesome job with the edit on this episode! Lots of really great changes that made it sound so much more natural!

Be sure to follow the blog if you'd like to stay up to date with new releases. For all episodes released so far, go here:

Rose divider taken from this post.

[comicgeekery]

More Like The Three Gay-bles, Right?

The Three Gables

This was a fun reset into the regular Sherlock & Co. adventures. Something low stakes that also gave John space to show that he’s still grieving for Mary. And Sherlock and Mariana had time to hang out, just the two of them! I was hoping for that!

The mystery was interesting, with the questions about what could be hidden in the hospital that someone would spend decades obsessing over obtaining or destroying. (Though I found the solution a little underwhelming. Yeah, the woman covered up a murder, but you don’t need to out her as a cougar!) Thinking about it now, I really wonder why it was so hard for her to get that evidence. Hire some burglers! Give the hospital a big donation with the condition that you get to dig something out of an unused chimney! There were options!

But this adventure was clearly much more about the characters. John is in mourning and Sherlock and Mariana are doing their best to support him through that. It’s sweet.

But it’s also time for me to once again pull out my Johnlock conspiracy board!

Ok, so one thing I didn’t mention about The Sign of Four was the queer clues (qlues) I found there. I wanted to focus on the objective story and give Mary her flowers. But there were some important elements to note!

Sherlock seemed jealous at the idea of John dating someone. Could just be friend-jealousy, but it was there.

“You have a lovely face. Very warm.” Sherlock to Watson in The Sign of Four, part 4

John pointed out (also in SoF, part 4) that Sherlock had done a case with a romantic interest before, Victor Trevor from The Gloria Scott! And Sherlock acknowledged it! As a reminder, Victor Trevor was an old friend of Sherlock’s from school and the only explicitly gay man we’ve had so far. I knew they had a flirty vibe!

So we know that Sherlock & Co. has an explicitly queer version of Sherlock Holmes! That’s fantastic! It still doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll get together with John, but honestly I’ll stay thrilled either way!

Knowing he’s a queer character also made his interaction with the drag queen really interesting. First of all he knew her, but he also seemed comfortable with the drag performance and her club in a way that felt like he’d been there before. Sherlock isn’t just queer, he’s had experience with queer culture. I doubt that gay clubs are his preferred scene, but I love the implication of a journey of self-discovery. Maybe it was something he experienced while in school with Victor.

Now for some bits that are more theory than evidence-based. I suspect that Sherlock has a big crush on John and has for a while. Not a surprise, as John has repeatedly been so kind, supportive, and actively interested in Sherlock’s passion for crime solving. I also think that Sherlock currently has zero intention of pushing for any romantic intimacy. Even aside from the fact that John only expresses interest in women and now has shown heartache from two major straight relationships, I really doubt Sherlock would be willing to take that sort of risk. He’s been deeply lonely for a lot of his life and John’s probably the best friend he’s ever had. Definitely not something worth risking when it’s much more likely John would be really uncomfortable.

(Doesn’t stop Sherlock from making a big effort to make a good impression on Ma Watson though. That was worth a minute of masking.)

Sherlock would certainly be SUPER concerned about any abilities he might have to be romantic anyway. Romance is a minefield for anyone, with all of the careful dancing around each other’s longings and vulnerabilities. Unassisted, Sherlock’s plans for a date would probably be a stressful mess. Maybe he’s even already experienced it.

But there’s also the issue that Sherlock is actively hiding things from John. In The Three Gables, we learn that Sherlock is super secretive about his family. I was relieved honestly, because I had thought that John had lived with Sherlock all this time and never asked about his past. It’s good to know it was just off-mic non-answers.

Obviously Mycroft is going to come up at some point, in some form. I still think he might be high-needs autistic, brilliant at government sorting, but downright unable to socialize or go anywhere besides work, home, and the Diogenes club. Maybe he’ll even be a sister in this version! That could be fun, and it’s not like Mycroft is an especially gendered name. But I’m sure he’s still going to have a significant position in the British government. Not the puppet-master he was in BBC’s Sherlock, but someone with some power and influence. I also still think he might be involved in cleaning up a few legal messes resulting from Sherlock’s cases and John’s obsession with uploading accounts of all the crimes they’ve committed.

We may also meet the extended Holmes family. I’d like that. Ma and Pa Holmes, maybe a Sherrinford (also a sister?). Hell, give Sherlock aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, whatever! Give us all the family and all the Sherlock background!

However, whoever his family is, I’m certain they’re a big deal. I think they’re super rich and paid for Sherlock to go to a bunch of different schools, to play around as a detective, and to have servants/caregivers. And I think Sherlock is very worried about how John would react if he knew, given how often John has expressed disdain for wealthy people. Sherlock doesn’t want to lie to his best friend, but he also can’t tell the truth. So he’s just saying nothing for as long as he can.

(Sherlock was definitely the one to buy or arrange for Tonga getting those football season tickets in the hospital.)

In conclusion: I continue to think that Johnlock is a real possibility on Sherlock & Co. If it’s going to happen it’s clearly going to be a hell of slow burn, but we’ve got some important groundwork now!

[gotouhitori]

Okay, so. I'm in Love with the Villainess. Watashi no Oshi wa Akuyaku Reijou. WataOshi. Whichever title you want to refer to it by.

Before reading or watching it, I wondered why the hell people were holding up this random villainess isekai light novel with an over-the-top masochist main character as a landmark yuri title. Okay sure I don't doubt there's yuri going on, but how can it be so special?

Then I watched the anime. "Huh. The series and its main character are clearly and unambiguously lesbian in a way that so many other series can't bring themselves to be. And it has the most frank discussion of queer issues I think I've ever seen in anime or related media. Yeah, I think I see now, it is a cut above." And both because I've heard the novels get into a few things a little more and because the series now has its hooks in me enough for me to want to read the novels anyway, I read the first novel. And yeah, that does add a bit.

And then I read the second novel. The latter bit of the anime does cover the first bit of the second novel, but it's mostly new territory for an anime-only or anime-first such as myself. And holy fucking shit. Spoilers under the cut.

For one thing, the anime/first novel dropped some trans hints about Yu, and that turns out to be a whole transfem allegory - which isn't unheard of by any means, but it's not especially common in a work where that isn't the main focus. And not only that, but there's an actually explicitly textual transmasc in Rae's past life, who forms part of Rae's motivation to make considerable effort and take considerable risk (up to and including treason) to make sure Yu can live as a girl - once Yu states that is what she wants, it is important to note. Random yuri villainess isekai light novel says trans rights, and will absolutely stand by it.

And then all of the stuff about class and inequality comes to a head, and remember how the game that Rae's in the world of is titled "Revolution"? Yeah. One of those happens. Various hints have been dropped about what happens, largely centred on Rae making efforts to save Claire's neck in the most literal way possible when things really go down. But holy shit does that turn out to be more effort and a much more complex endeavour than it appears at first... or for most of the time while it's going on, for that matter. Ultimately she arranges things so that while the revolution still happens (it is basically inevitable), overall loss of life and suffering is minimised, and the general situation is as good as it possibly could be. By the time the proverbial smoke clears, Rae and Claire are openly living as a couple, which is a lot more than you usually see - one of the things Rae comments on is how in per previous life, too much of the yuri she read ended with at least one of the girls either dead or winding up with a man, which annoyed her enough to write fanfic based on series she likes with unsatisfying endings to fix that. And though the game did have a yuri spinoff, the original - the events of which she was living through and manipulating - was het. The character she winds up with was never supposed to be a romanceable character to begin with.

And that's just the first two of the five novels. Living through and changing the course of an actual revolution and settling down with her partner is just 40% of the whole story. (And less if more novels get published.) I've just started the third novel, and it's certainly looking like the rest is going to be at least as much of a ride as the first two were.

This really is an outstanding series. It's Dungeon Meshi levels of "I cannot stop thinking about it" to me, which if you've seen how much I post about that, says a lot. And I haven't read even half of it yet.

[alliepretends]

Since I posted one of my Dimension 20 hot takes, and didn't literally explode. I think I'll post the other one that really matters to me.

The discourse around aroace Riz is really hard for me. And I find it really hard to be empathic toward people who think about it differently than I do. And I think it's important to put that lack of empathy in context. Fandom (and by this I mean the broader fandom culture, not D20 fandom specifically) has generally been an extremely hostile space for aromantic people. Shipping is the central pillar of fandom engagement and dialogue. And a romantic lens is typically the very first lens applied to the source material when it is brought into fandom spaces. By that I don't just mean it's what people think about first, I mean analysis tends to pass first through the lens of romance, and then only things the romantic lens can't lay claim to are left for other kinds of analysis. Even for aromantic people like me, who very much enjoy romance when it exists in the realm of fiction, it's hard not to feel like there's a message in that. "Characters, and the fiction they exist in, are only valuable when seen through the lens of romance. Regardless of the genre of the source material. That's because romance is unquestionably the most important and defining feature of life. Unless it's sex." This can get pretty extreme if you become a fan of something with an especially strong central ship (like a Supernatural), where it can feel like literally all analysis of any aspect of the work has to tie back to the ship. In my experience, the sub-culture of fandom, for all its trappings of queer acceptance, is far more arophobic and aro-hostile than any other culture or sub-culture I participate in. Not because fans are actively making anti-aro posts or hate aro people, but because romance is elevated as the primary element of human experience. The only one really worth talking about and exploring. The only one worth writing fics about or dedicating massive posts to. It is worth noting that the Dimension 20 fandom (and, based on my experience, actual play in general) seems to be less romance-focused than other fandoms. There's lots of gen fic. There's lots of discussion that doesn't focus on romance. But that doesn't mean the Dimension 20 fandom somehow exists separately from overall fandom culture. The baggage of that larger culture still informs this fandom.

And that's why the way Riz gets talked about feels like such a slap in the face. He is the first example I (and I expect many others) have encountered of a heavily-coded aromantic character popular with fandom. And yet, that hasn't freed him from the fandom scramble to read him through the lens of romance. I'll admit to being a bit of an extremist on this. I know that for many aromantic people having a single qpr that fills many of the needs of romance is really an important part of their experience. Many of my aromantic/aspec friends feel this way. But I don't even like qpr Fabriz. Because even though that is an authentic and important part of aromanticism to represent. With a character like Riz, whose fears are explicitly based around the lack of access he has to coupledom, qpr Riz still feels like an attempt by romance-oriented fandom to jam the first aromantic character the sub-culture gets its hands on into something that looks enough like traditional coupledom that no one has to change their romance-oriented outlook. The myth of the OTP can live on if you just change some of the verbiage. I know there are arospec people that would also feel excluded if fandom fell in line with my perspective and kept Riz as far away as possible from anything resembling romance. I don't actually know what the right solution to these problems is. We got thrown one bone and there's a bit of a desire to fight over it (Wikipedia's list of aromantic characters has 18 characters, and while that's not all of them, it's a decent percentage). But I did want to put this out in the world. Because I feel like there's a lot of context and baggage missing from this discourse. And all I really want is to have fandom still be able to treat an aromantic character as valuable even when they can't neatly pair him off

[alpaca-clouds]

Solarpunk and the Internet

Alright, I have promised you all to write a bit more on Solarpunk again, so this is what I am going to do for the next two weeks once more - before doing a week on narratology, and then some more history/religion stuff for the two weeks after. At least that is the plan.

Something I have been considering a lot lately, is the role of the internet in a potential Solarpunk world. Because I think we can all agree that the internet is amazing. Never before the internet exited was it so easy to get any form of information that you wanted. Basically everything is - or should be - just a short search away. And I mean, while Google definitely does not work as it once did, at least for me it still works well enough.

However. Ever since we switched from Web 1.0 to Web 2.0, there is a lot of stuff happening on the internet that is an issue. And mind you, there some stuff with Web 2.0, that was also quite important. Most notably it was the first time that minority groups had a voice that really could be heard, and it helped most certainly to find like-minded people.

But I am not even kidding when I say, that most of the issues we are facing today are because of Web 2.0 - and how easy it is with this to spread misinformation. Trump would never have happened, if it had not been for GamerGate, and GamerGate would not have happened, if not because of social media. If it had not been for social media, those hate filled asshole guys who ran that entire thing would have been stuck in some sort of forum, and nobody would have listened to them at all.

At the same time people have become so attached to their social media stuff, that a lot of them fail to interact with the real world. Something that was most certainly not helped by COVID, but it is a thing that we hear so much about how lonely and socially isolated people are. I mean, even the WHO is now talking about it. And of course it is true, that for some people the internet is important in reducing loneliness. (As a queer kid who grew up rural, I can most certain say stuff to that.) But at the time, a lot of people are also so invested in their social media and their followers, who rarely are real friends, that they often forget the real life.

And do not get me wrong: You absolutely can have real online friends and good online friends. It is just that your followers in general are not really that.

Of course, the way in which Social Media is toxic for people and isolating is not made better by the people who tend to run social media. Look at Elon Musk and Zuckerberg.

And all of this makes me wonder: If we were to create that Solarpunk Utopia... What will we do about internet and more specifically, what will we do about Social Media?

Reading through quite a lot of the Solarpunk short stories out there - and some of the few novels there are - it is quite interesting, how the internet does not play a role in most of them. In fact most of the time it is not even brought up at all. We have a genre of mainly science fiction works, and characters in this tend to never use the internet in any way.

From the more than 100 short stories in the genre I have read, I remember a total of 3 that brought up the internet in any major way. And one of them basically was a story focused on an anarchist news organiation that, yeah, posted their news on the internet. The other two were a story about a scientist who was physically very isolated because of their research, and a crime story that featured social media postings as part of the evidence.

I also might note that I once wrote a story for a Solarpunk anthology, that was supposed to feature "Solarpunk and Art", that involved artists collaborating over online spaces for their art projects (that explicitly were commenting on the ideals of Solarpunk). It got rejected for not being "Solarpunk enough".

Which is quite interesting. Solarpunk of course - other than older forms of punkpunk media - very much exists thanks to the internet, right? And yet, it does seem as if the Solarpunk community in general does somewhat reject the internet.

Of course, there is this thing about Solarpunk and being connected to the real world, having more places in your neighborhood that are accessible to everyone and so on and so forth, which is good and right. And I think in some way there is the wish expressed to be able to go out and meet with real people, because a lot of people falsely feel that right now they can. (Once more: Yes, there is things happening around that you would enjoy in the real world. Things were you, as an adult, will be able to make real life friends. Just like in those Solarpunk stories. You just have to look for it.)

Something that bugs me about this though is that the internet is also an unprecedented place for scientific and artistic exchange on any possible level. As a scientist, the internet is so important for exchange for people researching a field. And for artist, too, it is a great place to share their art with more people - no matter what kind of art it is. Not to mention how much information you can get online for free. Be it this specific thing you might need to know right now, or be it just something you want to know about.

Obviously, in a Solarpunk future, there would be no longer an Amazon, or a Facebook or X, formerly known as twitter. But I do think there is some value in considering some approached to how the internet in Solarpunk might look like. What about a user governed form of Social Media? I am always thinking of U in Mamoru Hosoda's movie BELLE. And of course: Good old reliable Wikipedia.

We have to remove capitalism from the internet - but that does not mean that we need to remove the internet completely. The internet was originally developed for scientists to be able to exchange data - and as such it is so much worth.

We might just want to get back to something that is a bit closer to Web 1.0, with some more communally governed platforms in between for social media - platforms that have fact checking of course and will get banned for calling people slurs. And stuff without adds. Duh.

After all, Solarpunk also loves ideas of self-reliability, self-repair and such. But those things get a whole lot easier if you have access to information.

[iambic-stan]

Concertina

Writing this story was very therapeutic for me. I hope someone else, cardiophile or otherwise, can get some comfort and reassurance out of it, too.

"I'm not policing what you think and dream," was the lyric I fixated on, though it was only the first verse of the song.  Every explanation of the song "Concertina" I'd read contradicted my own interpretation.  Wasn't it mostly a song about feeling bold enough to be strange, even if it was frightening?  There was applause in the bar when I finished, and made me feel like the risk of a new track selection had paid off.  Tori clapped with the most vigor, as she usually does.

"Girl, who sang that one?" she asked, noting that it was different from my usual selections like Stevie Nicks and Pat Benetar.  I stared at her drink, something with pineapple and gin if I recalled, with this hypnotic red-orange-yellow ombre effect.  Without taking my eyes off of it, I said, "It was a Tori Amos song.  Not a big hit or anything though.  You share a name," I said, lightly touching her shoulder, "You should sing something of hers one night."

"Not if the DJ has anything Taylor," she laughed.  It was fair.  Tori loved to sing Taylor Swift at karaoke, just like how she loved to talk about Gaylor theories, analyze her lyrics, speculate about what her various IG and Tumblr posts might foretell, and scour Stubhub and every other possible site for the least-bankrupting concert tickets.  I was just along for the ride, though I had a couple of her albums at home myself.

"Ok, do something from Lover," I suggested.  

"I don't know.  What if all they have is "YNTCD?" she whined, abbreviating Taylor's divisive LGBTQ anthem from 2019, one that I happened to enjoy despite any criticism.  

"I know you like it, and maybe I'm being a terrible Swiftie, but isn't she just trying to hijack our trauma and claim it as hers?  *Unless* she is gay but didn't want to say so explicitly in the song.  It's great that she gave so many queer people screen time.  I didn't even know who Billy Porter was until I saw the video.  But then again, why did she make it about resolving her beef with Katy Perry?  That was so random.  Anyway, I'll see what I can do...for you, Elena."  She ran her hand down my arm and then squeezed my hand for a second.  She's drunk, I thought, but I appreciated the affection.  Her hand was soft and it felt right--sensual without the suggestion of something more.  I wouldn't want anything more.  

Well, that wasn't entirely true.  I had come to feel at home with Tori over the past year--my first close friend since college who also happened to be queer.  I had lingered longer when hugging her, and since she knew I was asexual, I didn't think she ever took anything the "wrong" way.  At home I had a bright magenta stethoscope that sat on my nightstand, waiting.  But since I'd never told Tori that 1) I loved heart sounds, 2) loved using stethoscopes, and 3) wanted to use one with her, my stethoscope could have been waiting for Godot.  I had strongly considered putting her (the stethoscope--named Alex for my love of Wizards of Waverly Place) in the living room so that Tori could just happen to notice her while we were watching a movie.  But I played the conversation out in my head and felt mortified with every possible script I wrote.  Still, whenever I pictured her wearing the binaurals and listening to my heart, I felt like skipping through a field of daisies.  It just seemed like I was struggling with level one of a video game while ravenously reading walkthroughs of the battle with the final boss I might never meet.  Not that it was a game to me--my love of heart sounds was and always had been one of the most important things in my life.  It kept me sane and grounded, and most of all, it was how I felt close to someone I cared about.

I felt a bit of envy as I watched her throw her arm around the DJ, whose adorable curly head of hair and petite stature brought to mind Jorgeous from one of my favorite shows--Rupaul's Drag Race.  But I wasn't jealous that Not-Jorgeous was enjoying Tori's affection; I wished I could have that sort of magnetism that drew everyone to me and put them immediately at ease.  Trauma had prevented me from being so gregarious.  I watched as four more karaoke singers ran up to Tori, happy to see a familiar face (she was there every week) and get their expected hug.  No, I didn't necessarily want that much attention, I realized--I only wanted the confidence and grace to be completely open with her.

When I heard the first few sharp, synth-laden notes, I knew exactly what song it was.  Tori was deadly serious in her delivery and everyone in the bar turned to gaze at this tall, striking woman who would almost look imposing if her face weren't so soft and kind.  "Combat, I'm ready for combat," she sang, and I was shocked that the DJ would have this track from Taylor's Lover album that we could agree on.  In a moment of accountability that Taylor-haters never acknowledge, the singer tells us she's been "the archer" and "the prey," and feared her propensity for causing hurt as well as her own crippling wounds might make her difficult to live with.  As Tori deftly crescendoed her way into the bridge (I had been given numerous lectures on her distinctive bridges), I felt like my heart beat louder as well.  Suddenly embarrassed, I turned away and stepped onto the bar's patio, my long wrap skirt catching a doorknob in my haste.  I pulled it out and turned to look at the wisteria still bright near sundown and the brick water feature with the goldfish.  There was a couple in the corner deep in conversation, voices so hushed I couldn't make out a single word. That was my last drink, I thought, staring at the crescent moon and the smattering of stars I could see in spite of light pollution.  I felt too much; why didn't alcohol make me numb like it did everyone else?

"Hey, did you like it?" I heard her say behind me.  I turned and saw the sheepish grin on her face.

"Oh, it was beautiful!" I exclaimed.  "I was just out here getting some air is all."  

"I was thinking about what you said last week."  She came closer and put her arms around me as she said it.  My head landed near her chest, and I could almost hear something if it weren't for her thick jacket.  I let myself fall into her embrace.  "I think it would be exciting, actually.  I want to do it.  I've never done that with anyone before," she continued.

I racked my brain and tried to remember what she could be talking about, slowly recalling that I'd had 3 cocktails and 2 shots last week.  There were a few portions of my last karaoke night that I didn't recall at all.  "Wait, what are you talking about?"

She looked at me, her eyes crinkled a little.  Gently, she pushed my hair out of my face.  "You're such a silly drunk and you don't remember any of it," she said, shaking her head.  "You surprised the hell out of me by talking about having a stethoscope and wanting to listen to my heartbeat.  And that you wanted me to listen to your heartbeat.  And I was speechless because that seemed like such a weird, random thing to say.  But then I thought about it and I'm really curious now.  None of my girlfriends ever wanted to do something like that.  Not that you're my girlfriend, but a friend who happens to be a girl, anyway.  I'm down."

I breathed in sharply.  How could I have said all of that without realizing what I was divulging?  My heart was really pounding then, and as if she read my mind, she placed her hand on my chest.  "Oh!" she squeaked, surprised.  "Am I embarrassing you?  Please don't feel that way!  I guess I should've thought you might've forgotten, like that time you went on for like 10 minutes about whether Drag Race All Stars is rigged like you were the only person in the room and had zero recollection of it the next day."  Without really thinking, I quickly placed my hand over hers, holding it fast to my chest.  Her hand so near my heart felt just right somehow.  I closed my eyes and only opened them when she pulled away to check her phone.

"Our Uber is on its way.  I told them to go to your apartment.  Is that ok?  Mine is a mess and Savannah has her boyfriend over, anyway.  He always brings that cheap, stinky weed.  Plus, we could watch more Babylon 5.  I want to see if the praying mantis thing is a 'legitimate businessman' ha."

The N'Grath reference made me smile.  "That sounds great," I almost slur, grinning like an idiot.

Mollie, my dachshund, is almost wider than she is long, so it's a struggle for her to make it up to the couch to properly greet Tori when she comes over.  This night was no different.  "She doesn't even eat that much," I said for probably the twentieth time.  "It's like she just has the worst possible metabolism, poor babe."  I stroked under her chin.

The DVD was loaded, and with the confidence that only alcohol could summon in me, I'd stealthily transferred Alex from my bedroom to the coffee table in the living room while Tori was in the bathroom.  When she emerged, she smiled all big and plopped back down on the couch.  My voice boomed in my head when I picked up the stethoscope and said, "This is Alex.  She was named for Alex Russo, you know, when I was younger.  Well, not that much younger.  But still.  Yes, I know it was a kids' show," I say shyly, wondering why I can't shut up.

Tori laughed and picked her up, turning the chestpiece around over and over again to switch from diaphragm to bell, hearing that satisfying click each time.  "She doubles as a fidget toy, I see," she said.  "Oh what's that?" I had to follow her gaze because I was staring at her chest (not her breasts--give me some credit) rising and falling and could barely think of anything else.  She picked up a pill bottle from the coffee table, one that I usually put away when someone is over out of an overabundance of caution. But I hadn't realized we were both coming back here tonight.  "Spiro?" she asked.  "I used to take that, like in my 20s when my acne was a lot worse.  What do you take it for?" she asked innocently.

I looked up at her, struck dumb and wordless.  We both stared in silence for a few seconds too long, and that was when it dawned on me.  Elena, she doesn't know, you moron.  You're about to ask her to do something intimate and she doesn't know.  Does it matter?  Maybe, maybe not.  I sighed.  This was not the way I wanted her to find out.  What if she changed her mind, decided I'm not one of her girl friends after all?  What if she declared this some kind of "trick"?  What if she got mad, felt betrayed, and blabbed all over social media?  What if it got out at work?  This wasn't something to play with, I realized, and it made me feel like I was suffocating suddenly, imagining all the worst case scenarios. They flicked through my brain rapidly, like someone pressing the lever on one of those retro viewfinders at lightning speed, taking in all of the little thumbnails in a blur.  I gasped and then deliberately began to breathe in and out very slowly and evenly.  I grabbed the arm of the couch as if I was falling.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry.  You don't have to answer that.  It's none of my business," she insisted apologetically.  I could tell she was uncomfortable.  I had made her uncomfortable.  But it didn't feel like there was any escaping it now.  The mood had changed dramatically, all thanks to my reaction to her question, and as much as I yearned for her to listen to my heart and had pictured it many times in the last few months, it was pounding because I was terrified.  She put Alex down on the couch, where Mollie reached over to lick her eartips, and took my hand.  "What's wrong?" she whispered.

I looked up at her and it felt like someone else's voice when I choked out, "I'm trans."  Her brow furrowed.  When she didn't respond right away, I added, in a whispered rush, "I grew up a boy.  I mean I'm not one.  I never was.  I thought you knew.  That's what the prescription is for."  I exhaled loudly, then realized I'd been staring at the floor and not facing Tori.  She let my hand go, almost in slow-motion, and she looked at my body as though she was seeing it for the first time.  Oh god, I winced.  Please don't look for masculine things.  

"I'm such an idiot," she finally said, almost inaudibly.  I stared in horror as she said,  "Why didn't I know?!?"  

I felt my mouth go dry.  My voice was hoarse.  "It's not like I wanted everyone to know," I said.  "It's not like I want to lose my job."

"Oh, Elena!" she exclaimed.  "You weren't thinking it would make a difference, were you?"  When I didn't respond, she wrapped her arms tightly around me, and tears flooded my vision.  "You're one of my best friends.  You're my only friend who will go with me to karaoke, for one," she laughed.  "You're the only person besides my mom who listened to me carry on about my undying devotion to Amari, even after the third time she fucking cheated.  Not my finest moment, but that woman had a hold on me."  I inadvertently let out a snort, remembering her beautiful but treacherous ex. 

She kept one arm around me and reached again for Alex.  "She's probably got Mollie slobber on her now," I pointed out.

"Ha, I'm not worried about it," Tori said.  I watched her insert the ear tips, thinking she had a 50/50 chance of putting them in correctly, and she managed it.  There was something transformative about her wearing the binaurals, and it dried my tears to see it.  She was only about ten years my senior, but in that moment I felt like the child I was always meant to be--one who was free to play how I wanted, with whatever toys I wanted, and just be who I was without being called names I didn't even understand.  She was the older, wiser one who could really see me.  I was safe.  She unfastened just the top button of my shirt and I looked at her face as I could feel the coolness of the metal circle on my skin.

A minute passed, then another, and they were brief but filled with knowing that she could hear me so well.  "That's so cool," she said softly.  "It was fast at first and now it's slow and steady.  I kind of feel like...I know you in a new way," she smiled and looked at my face before looking back down at the instrument.  I felt so happy I thought I could cry again.  She moved the chestpiece around--left and right and center, then between my breasts.  "It sounds different in different areas," she observed.  "Like, the first sound is louder in some places and the second is louder in others."

"You're listening near a different valve each time," I whispered, thrilled that she heard those nuances that most ordinary people don't seem attuned to.  She nodded, the look on her face one of wonder.  I breathed along with her for another few minutes while she listened, and it felt like the sort of connection I only dreamed of feeling, knowing that most people don't "get" this.  I felt almost reborn, and completely satiated. 

When it was my turn to listen, I tried to push past my reservations and self-doubt.  "Is it ok if I put this under your shirt?" I asked tentatively, pointing while holding the chestpiece.  

"Girl, yes!" she practically sputtered.  "After all the poking around I just did?  It's only fair," she laughed.

Mollie jumped up to grab and lick my hand as I moved to place the stethoscope on Tori's chest, and we both had to stop what we were doing to laugh.  When I slipped it underneath her blouse, the sound was clear and strong.  She watched my eyes as I breathed in several systoles and diastoles and it made her smile.  First, I listened for the semilunar valves--aortic and pulmonic, then, gaining confidence in what could have been an uncomfortable endeavor, moved downward to listen properly at the atrioventricular valves--tricuspid and mitral.  Tori leaned forward so I could easily access these different auscultation points.  I stayed at each one for awhile, trying to commit this sound to memory in case we never did this again.  When I was finished, she said, "Wow, that was kind of a vulnerable feeling but not in a bad way."

"You sounded so, so beautiful," I told her softly, and was pleased when that display of raw emotions didn't elicit a raised eyebrow.  This wasn't a night I'd forget anytime soon.

Thanks so much for reading! If you're able and would like to, click here to donate to the Trans Lifeline, a hotline that provides life-saving assistance to trans people, staffed by trans people.

[utilitycaster]

What are some of your favourite podcasts / podcast recs?

It's hard to pick a favorite though I will say at the moment Midst is the one I think I look forward to the most, so I'm just going to go through basically all podcasts I currently or relatively recently previously listened to and sort them by rough genre. Note that as with all recommendation requests it helps to know the vibe of what you're going for and what's important to you (I know I just was like hey I'll take most music recs but the commitment for music is like the length of a song, whereas podcasts/books/movies/tv are a bit more time put in)

Actual Play:

Longtime listener of NADDPod and TAZ which I'm guessing if you follow me you are broadly aware of but if not feel free to ask more; I also post about Worlds Beyond Number enough that you might know what it is. I checked out Burnt Cookbook party a while ago both because I liked Jenna Stoeber's work with Polygon and because someone asked me for Actual Play podcast-only recs with more than one woman or nb player that weren't RQG and I was like oh I should find some. Anyway it's quite good! it's definitely lower production values than bigger podcasts but the plot is highly original and really good, the vibes are fantastic, the characters are a lot of fun, and all in all worth checking out. I also do listen to the Re-Slayer's Take which I've really enjoyed! Everyone's good but while I was familiar with (and a fan of) Jasmine Bhullar and Jasper William Cartwright's work, Jasmine Chiong as Farah speaks to the Grouchy Old Hunter Woman fan in me and has been a personal standout. It is very heavily edited, which does take some getting used to. Also, I mentioned RQG (Rusty Quill Gaming). It comes with the caveat of "very good but slow to start and then doesn't really stick the landing, imo, though the epilogues help" but I can recommend with that warning.

Scripted Fiction

Camlann. Modern post-apocalyptic Arthuriana/Folklore of the British Isles, with some hints of other folklore as well. 1 season; hoping they get funding for a second because it was very well done and also I want Gwen and Morgan to kiss.

Midst. Hard to describe but if you follow me you've seen a lot of posts that might help. Extremely good! About to finish in a bit over a week's time! Check it out and I advice you check out the first 3 episodes at once to get a feel for it; the three-narrator thing is also "get used to it and it will be fine".

The Penumbra Podcast. Originally envisioned as an anthology podcast but then two specific settings (noir-y space opera and medieval court monster hunters) were very popular. Also nearing its end.

The Silt Verses. Quite literally everything on this list would be described as "New Weird" and "has queer characters" and this is maybe the New Weirdest. Anyway, set in a world where gods are real, require human sacrifice to live, and society is both very complicit and also uses the gods to sell shit. I think people who are mad about D20 or CR not being explicitly political enough should listen to it. Extremely good. Also in its endgame, but they've had a very drawn out schedule as of late.

Welcome to Night Vale. You are on Tumblr; presumably you know the drill. I can't say I'm like...super following what happens but it's one of those things that's been a constant in my life for over a decade and takes up a very pleasant hour-ish per month. This feels like damning with faint praise but the earlier stuff was great and it's still strong, it's just, you know, the inevitable slowness of an indefinitely long slice-of-life-ish show vs. the more plot-driven ones above.

Within the Wires. By one of the Night Vale Creators. I have a post about it but it's set on an alternate history Earth where a cataclysmic war/plague/various other bad things absolutely destroyed the population in the early 1900s, leading to a very different global society. Some people say the seasons are very uneven in quality. They are incorrect. The seasons follow different people and all are in the form of found audio, so they are all quite different, but it's entirely a matter of personal preference if you like a season or not; it's not that some are Objectively Better.

Wolf 359 finished a long time back and I haven't relistened since my original listen in like...2018, but of "podcasts that have finished" it's worth it. Weird space stuff.

Informative(?)

Home Cooking by Hrishikesh Hirway and Samin Nosrat; was a pandemic project that now only airs yearly, really, but worth checking out if you like cooking.

I found out about Home Cooking via Song Exploder, which is just Hrishikesh Hirway talking about songs. Great podcast; the editing is fascinating and I have found a lot of good music from it!

I Only Listen to the Mountain Goats. Has only two seasons but they are both very good if you like The Mountain Goats as a band.

No Such Thing as a Fish: the QI (British quiz show) (if you're British you know this better than I do) researches talk about weird facts and riff on them.

Sawbones: Justin McElroy and his wife Dr. Sydnee Smirl McElroy talk about weird medical history and dumb wellness trends on tiktok. This is one of the earliest podcasts I subscribed to back when I did not drive nearly as much.

The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Green. Has also completed and there's a book that's basically covering the same ground. It's not like, purely informative; it's very anecdotal (as is I Only Listen to the Mountain Goats) but I learned a lot from it.

Honorable mention: I just didn't have the time or energy to keep up with Ologies by Alie Ward but what I listened to was fun and interesting and my sibling is a big fan.

Comedy and Miscellany:

Beef and Dairy Network: also British, on the Max Fun network with the McElroys. Fucking weird. I debated putting this in the scripted fiction because it's basically "what if Welcome to Night Vale was a little less story focused but still had throughlines and was specifically about the cattle industry in some absurdist alternate version of our world" but stuck with comedy bc the absurdity outstrips the plot. It's weird!

My Brother, My Brother, and Me: you probably know this one; either you love it or you don't.

My Dad Wrote a Porno: also British and from what I understand a bigger deal over there. Has uh. reached completion, in that they decided they were done, but the books apparently go on (sorry Rocky I'm not buying them). A guy and his two good friends read and roast his father's self-published erotica e-books about Belinda Blumenthal, Pots and Pans saleswoman, ft. bad accents, corporate espionage, and, of course, The Duchess.

The Empty Bowl: Justin McElroy and Dan Goubert of Cerealously's ASMR podcast about cereal. legitimately has helped me calm down when anxious at night. I am not even a big cereal eater it's just entertaining and chill.

Anyway any other podcasts I have listened to I've either forgotten, weren't good enough to recommend, just disappeared without any conclusion [*cough* king falls am] or involve way more reservations than I am willing to go into without knowing more about what you are looking for.