#incorrect Thor quote

[incorrectships-and-fandoms]

Thor: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!

Loki: Apparently, we're not.

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

Tim: Oh, Damian's tried to kill me lots of times.

Tim: There was one time when we were younger, he disguised himself as a case file, because he knows I love case files.

Tim: So I went to pick it up to work on it and he took off the disguise and went 'MBLEGH it's me!' and stabbed me.

Damian: *smiles fondly at the memory*

Dick: Damian, no stabbing your brothers.

Jason: There's a more important issue here. How the fuck was he disguised as a case file -

[everwalldigan]

(Dick coming to collect Jason after he’s been “wrongfully” captured by the justice league while Batman is off world:)

Dick: Listen, Hood might be a criminal, but he’s one of Gotham’s. And he’s my brother.

JL: he killed 80 people in two days.

Dick: …he’s adopted?

Jason, glaring while bound to a chair: SO ARE YOU???

[vyynn]

Tony, texting in the avengers group chat: Good morning people!

Thor: Morning human

Clint: Good morning

Steve: Good Morning!

Bruce: good morning.

Natasha: Good morningg

Tony: You guys are boring, spice it up a bit for God's sake.

Bucky: I hope you mfs fall off a rooftop and die.

Bucky: Not Steve though, good morning Steve.

[jarvispoptart]

Clint: What’s the dumbest thing you believed as a child ?

Tony: that I was gonna marry Captain America

Steve: *whips his head around so fast his neck snaps*

[hurtspideyparker]

If Civil War didn't end in divorce and everyone lived together Part 2

Read Part 1 and Part 3

Tony: Why is Underoos mopping the ceiling?

Sam: Told him since he's sticky that's his chore

Bucky: It's only fair he helps out around the house

Tony: Hm. Makes sense

-

Vision cooked dinner:

Peter: *pushing around food to make it look eaten*

Natasha: *surreptitiously spitting into napkin*

Steve: *taking small bites with tons of water*

Bucky: *just stares at full plate*

Tony: Well this is disgusting, I'm ordering pizza

-

Sam: C'mon man stop moping around, you gotta get yourself a girl

Bucky: Ok.

Sam: Ok? Okayyyyy! I know-

Bucky: Give me your phone

Sam: Oh you got a number in mind already hotshot? *hands phone over*

Bucky: *ring* Hi Sarah ;)

Sam: BOY-

-

Peter: Ned thought you would seperate your colours from your lights but he also thought you'd be homophobic so I don't pay him much mind cuz clearly I'm more of a superhero expert than him but he does have a 2% better average than me in history so like maybe you do hand wash your clothes and that's why I asked what underwear you wear because-

Steve: *listening intently with apprehension and alarm*

Natasha: I can't believe you found the one person on Earth who talks more nonsense than you

Tony: I know right, it's incredibly unnerving. I'm planning on adopting him

-

Peter: Mr. Stark I have to tell you something. I think Vision is a... *whispers* pervert

Tony: Um, why?

Peter: He keeps floating through my room without knocking! He saw me changing, he saw my nipples !

Tony: Well if anyone's a predator here it would be you. I mean showing your nipples to a 2 year old? Deplorable.

Peter:

Peter: Oh god, I'm the pervert...

-

Bucky: Y'know animosity isn't good between teammates. I think we should spend more time together

Sam: Am I being punked right now? Where's the camera

Bucky: I'm serious. I think it would be healthy for us to bond

Sam: Okay fine I'll bite... what did you have in mind

Bucky: Wanna go for a run?

Sam: *slams door in Bucky's face*

-

*staring at Bucky's sparkly clean metal arm*

Bucky: Dishwasher?

Peter: Dishwasher :)

(later that day)

Bucky: I've decided to let the child live

Peter: YoU wHaT?!

-

Thwip

Tony: Who took my coffee cup, It was right here

Thwip

Bruce: Um, has someone seen my book? I just had it

Thwip

Steve: I could've sworn I was holding a pen a moment ago

*giggling from the ceiling*

Tony: Young man I will take those webshooters away if you use them for shenanigans and rascality

Peter, muffled: Mr. Hawkeye told me to!

Clint: Oh so you're just gonna rat me out like that?

Peter: Sor- OOF

*falls out of ceiling vent*

-

Sam: You're in my spot

Bucky: There are no spots, it's a common area

Sam: Well that's my spot

Bucky: Did you buy the chair??

Sam: No, but everyone knows that's where I sit. Right Steve?

Steve: Oops I forgot something in my car, be right back *leaves*

Sam: Still my spot

Bucky: Still not

Sam: *sits on him*

Bucky: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL THE COUCHES ARE FREE-

Sam: IT'S MY SPOT YOU CAN'T TAKE A MAN'S FAVOURITE CHAIR-

BUCKY: YOU HAVE ISSUES GET OFF ME-

(one hour later)

Steve: Hey so turns out I don't have a car! Isn't that funn...

Sam & Bucky: *Squeezed awkwardly on the chair together*

Steve: I think I left something in my car

-

Steve: Leave the bedroom door open when you have Vision in there

Wanda: UGH you're so protective

Tony: Teenagers, am I right? Caught Pete reassembling my particle accelerator at midnight because he needed to neutralize a miniature nuclear bomb he nabbed off some guy he neglected to tell me was trying to kill him

Steve:

Steve: Wanda y'know what do whatever you want

Wanda: Really?

Steve: Yes just keep being normal. At least I can read about our issues in a parenting book

-

Thor: Ah, new warriors I see! Good to make all your acquaintance. But why are you so grumpy my friend?

Bucky: *glaring*

Peter: He's always like that. It's um, P- P- PMS? Wait -

Natasha: Yes it's PMS

Wanda: He's got it bad

Steve: *genuinely concerned* Bucky you didn't tell me something was wrong. What can I do to help?

Bucky:

Bucky: I like chocolate

-

Wanda: Welcome to the first annual girls night! This place reeks of men, so I thought we needed some women time

Pepper: Why is Vision here?

Wanda: I get sad when he's gone

Natasha: Why is Pietro here?

Pietro: Slay queens

Wanda: Moral support I think

Maria: Why is Peter here?

Wanda: He looked really upset when I said he wasn't included and I felt bad

Wanda: Anyways... yay girls! Who wants me to paint their nails?

Peter: ME ME ME

-

Steve: Pancakes or waffles?

Natasha: Pancakes

Steve: Good because I don't have a waffle maker

Natasha: Then why would you ask-

Steve: It's important for your voice to be heard, as team leader I value your opinion

*2 minutes later*

Steve: Good morning Clint, pancakes or waffles?

Clint: Waffles

Steve: Oh no.

-

Some of these were based on requests (ex. more Sam & Bucky, dad Steve w/ Wanda) so if you have certain dynamics you enjoy let me know !

[shxrkk]

[chaxan08]

Steve: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.

Bruce: Weight loss? Drink water.

Tony: Clear skin? Drink water.

Natasha: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

Everyone:

[malpractisnt]

Marvel x text posts I made instead of doing whatever you should be doing after making a house md x text posts post.

[incorrectquotesmcu]

Loki: Thor, haven’t you learned by now that I can outsmart you whenever I want?

Thor: You cannot.

Loki: Say “fort”.

Thor: Fort?

Loki: Now say it three times.

Thor: Fort, fort, fort.

Loki: Spell it twice.

Thor: F-O-R-T, F-O-R-T.

Loki: Say it two more times.

Thor: Fort, fort.

Loki: Now what do you eat soup with?

Thor: Ha ha! FORK! Ha!

Loki: Really? Because I eat my soup with a spoon.

[Loki leaves]

Bruce: See, if you ate soup with a fork, the liquid would just fall—

Thor: I KNOW!!

[incorrect-marvel-because-why-not]

Bruce: When do you usually go to sleep? Tony: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

Bonus:

Thor: I have nothing to do with your terrible sleep schedule.

[incorrectships-and-fandoms]

Thor: What’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done?

Loki: *sighs*

Loki: I killed a man.

[lovelyinspiration1463]

Loki: Regrettably, this is my circus.

Loki, looking over at Thor: And that is my monkey.

[violentdelightshavevioletends]

Aotrom: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"

Ridoc: What?

Aotrom: "Get Help."

Ridoc: No.

Aotrom: C'mon, you love it!

Ridoc: I hate it.

Aotrom: It's great! It works every time!

Ridoc: It's humiliating.

Aotrom: Do you have a better plan?

Ridoc: No.

Aotrom: We're doing it!

Ridoc: We are not doing "Get Help!"

*5 Minutes Later*

Aotrom, carrying a limp Ridoc in his maw & roaring: Get help! He’s dying! Save him, NOW! *spins them & throws Ridoc at the guards to knock them all out*

Aotrom: Ahh, classic!

Ridoc: *gets up & wipes off dragon drool* I still hate it. It's humiliating.

Aotrom, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

[vyynn]

Tony "I have better things to do" Stark who immediately adopts a dog because he overheard Peter saying that he had always wanted to raise one.

Bucky "Get this kid out of here" Barnes who immediately drags Peter into the gym because he saw Peter get hurt and wants to teach him better self defense techniques.

Steve "I have no time for this" Rogers who goes to Peter's report card day whenever Aunt May or Tony are busy. (He secretly gets happy when Peter asks him to go)

Natasha "I don't need this relationship" Romanoff who spoils and treats Peter like he's her kid because she won't ever be able to have her own.

Bruce "I don't have the patience" Banner who drops everything and anything whenever he finds out that Peter is injured. (He patiently listens to Peter's rambling while he's treating him)

Thor "Who do you think you are" Odinson who treats Peter like a little brother because he reminds him of Loki's clumsy personality when they were kids.

Clint "I don't need another kid" Barton who plays catch with Peter at 5:30 pm when he has to stay in the tower for a long time because that's the time he plays with his kids.

finally a long one cause I was inactive for a few days, hope you guys enjoy♡

[jarvispoptart]

When the avengers tells other superheroes that their best distraction is Tony Stark, they’re like “oh yeah cause he’s hot”

well that’s a theory but he’s actually their best distraction because he’s capable to talk about anything for 3 hours straight without breathing

Villains can’t stop listening