#it's a cycle shaped like a circle

[selfshippinglover]

I don't usually find myself thinking this so I'm trying to enjoy it while I can but I think I'm actually Mr. Puzzles type?

Like, he's a guy that loves media so much he BECAME media

I'm a guy that loves analysing and obsessing over the media and it's characters

We r holding hands <333

[millipup-posting]

how do i even explain what i want to do with the hex’s story the game is already a big “god(more of a title here) is evil and it hates you” i’m literally just doing that again but worse

[tophats-tea]

drawing fanart everyday for Danganronpa: A New Generation until the First Episode comes out

Day 449: Quana Birthday Animation WIP

[anghimalaaynasapuso]

EMPEROR'S DANCER SIMON

sfw + nsfw. gender neutral reader. sex pollen. mentions of rape and murder. angst.

you hadn’t known it was tradition. you’d just assumed the old men who had ruled before you had strange, indulgent ways of unwinding after a long day. you had braced yourself for extravagance, sure— but nothing could have prepared you for this.

after your first month, you’d planned to slip away to the hot springs, stretch out the stiff muscles you've spent hunched over the mountains of unfinished paperwork your predecessor had so graciously abandoned. steam, solitude, and silence— just a few stolen hours to reclaim your sanity before the cycle of governance began anew.

but barely had you sunk into the warmth before your adviser burst in, eyes averted, pressing fresh robes into your hands with an urgency that immediately soured your mood.

“your majesty, it’s time for your evening engagement.”

you slumped further into the water, dragging a wet hand down your face. “i don’t recall scheduling one.”

“ah, well… it’s tradition.”

tradition, apparently, was reclining on silk cushions while a half-naked man in a skull mask danced for you.

the music started as a murmur of stringed instruments, the deep thrum of a drum marking time like a heartbeat. a flute threaded through it all, almost mournful, spreading through the chamber like incense.

the dancer moved with it, body an instrument of its own. the shift of his hips sent the coins at his waist swaying, the light catching on gold and the smooth stretch of muscle. his hands carved shapes in the air, fingers fluid, wrists loose. he twisted, ribs shifting in isolation from the rest of his frame, a display of mastery that you were sure took years to perfect.

the drumbeat quickened, and his movements followed. sharper now, his chest popping forward, hips snapping to the rhythm with ease. he turned in a slow circle, the fabric around his waist flaring, feet silent against the ornate rug.

it was hypnotic— the way he moved, the way the music seemed to live in him, the way every motion felt deliberate, like a secret being spoken just for you.

and you, despite yourself, sat frozen.

you realized only when the music stopped that your grip on the goblet had gone tense, your knuckles white against the dark metal. the heat at the back of your neck crept higher, burning at the tips of your ears, and you swallowed, willing your voice to stay even.

“thank you,” you said, inclining your head slightly. “that was-” you cleared your throat, feeling as though it might crack. “that was beautiful.”

his mask tilted, just a fraction.

you were the first emperor simon had danced for— after all, each ruler had their own dancer, their own traditions— but he had seen the last one up close, felt his gaze crawl over his skin like something wet and grasping. The man had leered, had indulged in his power like a glutton at a feast.

but you— you only sat there, hands tucked in your lap, face warm, struggling to meet his eyes even through the mask.

he watched as your adviser murmur something about retiring for the night after the musicians’ own exit, barely audible over the pounding in your ears, before disappearing through the heavy doors.

the moment the latch clicked shut, simon reached for the folds of his drapery.

you were only just beginning to let out a breath when you caught movement in your periphery— fabric slipping, a belt loosening, fingers curling at his waist.

wait, what?

you shot to your feet so fast your goblet nearly toppled, a hand flying up instinctively as if you could halt whatever was about to happen.

“a-ah- what are you doing?” your voice cracked slightly, caught between command and incredulity. “i- isn’t it a crime to be inappropriate in front of the emperor? ah- don’t people fear anything these days?”

simon stilled, half-out of his outer robe, blinking at you like he wasn’t quite sure what to make of your reaction. slowly, he tilted his head. “...it’s tradition.”

“tradition?” you echoed, voice climbing an octave. “tradition?” you gestured vaguely at his hands, which were once again working at the knots of his attire. “i- what- no- keep your clothes on-”

his fingers paused. you could almost hear his brow raise beneath the mask.

“the emperor takes the dancer afterwards.” his voice was calm, matter-of-fact, like he was explaining something as routine as a change in the weather.

your face crumpled, heat flaring at the tips of your ears, and you pressed your palms against your temples. gods help you.

“your emperor,” you said, exasperated at the situation, “demands you keep your clothes on.” you inhaled sharply, trying to steady your nerves. “and- and eat grapes with me.”

a long pause.

simon said nothing. then, after a moment, he slowly let go of the fabric, letting it rest against his hips once more. he blinked at you, unreadable behind the bone mask, before settling into a relaxed stance, his hands resting loosely at his sides.

he had prepared for many things. entitlement. greed. that familiar, hungry gaze. but this flustered little emperor, looking anywhere but at him, cheeks hot, gripping at their robes like they were the one being compromised— this was new.

then, as if finding the situation mildly amusing, he nodded.

“as you wish.”

( … )

the moment simon stepped back into the dimly lit corridors of the dancers’ quarters, the air shifted. conversations dipped into hushed murmurs, eyes flickered toward him, and the sharp sound of johnny’s bare feet crossing the stone floor filled the space before he even had the chance to remove his mask.

“christ, mate- what happened?” johnny’s voice was low, urgent. his hands were on him before simon could brush him off, fingers prodding at his arms, his shoulders, searching for something. a wince. a bruise. some telltale mark that this night had ended like all the others.

“they weren’t too rough, were they?” another's voice cut through the quiet. someone else shifted closer, brows furrowed. “did they leave bruises?”

simon rolled his shoulders, shaking Johnny’s grip. no bruises. no lingering hands. no unwanted touches. the feeling of silk-wrapped fingers never came. only the memory of a soft voice, a question so out of place it had nearly thrown him.

‘have you eaten?’

he had stood there, still, thrown not by the words themselves, but by the fact that they had been asked at all. that you had noticed.

and you had not only noticed— you had acted.

food had arrived in elegant dishes, but it had not been the delicate, indulgent fare he had come to expect from imperial chambers. no dainty confections, no cloying sweetmeats. no food meant to be fed from gilded fingertips between whispered, filthy promises.

instead, it was real food that settled warm in the stomach. that filled, rather than teased. the kind of food meant to sustain.

and you had simply watched, hands tucked into your sleeves, gaze lowered— not out of avoidance, nor out of shame, but out of respect.

‘eat,’ your posture had said. ‘you are not a meal tonight. you are not meant to be devoured.’

even after the last bite, you had not reached for him, had not let the moment stretch into something uncomfortable or unfinished. you had simply stood, offered the first bow of the night, and said, “thank you for the performance. it was… mesmerizing.”

a pause. a quick breath. a flustered clearing of the throat. “i wish you a good night.”

and that had been it.

johnny snapped his fingers in front of simon’s face. “oi. you good?”

simon blinked. the room came back into focus. bruised knuckles. nervous eyes. a group of men who had learned to expect pain after every dance.

he exhaled, shaking his head, and stepped past johnny.

“yeah,” he said, voice steady.

he thought of you again— how you had looked away when his robes had started to slip.

‘they were flustered.’ his lips curled slightly beneath the mask.

“they were… kind.”

( … )

the purge began in the dead of night.

the palace, usually a place of quiet indulgence in the hours before dawn, was restless. servants huddled together in the alcoves, their whispered prayers swallowed by the heavy footfalls of armored soldiers. the halls that had once been filled with laughter and idle gossip, now echoed with the sharp ring of steel.

in the noble estates, men were dragged from their beds.

the empire’s most powerful officials, men who had grown fat on stolen gold and spent decades tightening their grip on power, woke to the sound of doors splintering under booted feet.

there were no warnings. no trials.

the emperor had decreed judgment, and judgment had come.

by sunrise, half the imperial council was gone.

the first whisper of it reached simon before breakfast.

he had barely sat up when johnny burst through the door, panting like he had sprinted across the entire compound. his eyes were wide with something between excitement and disbelief.

“did you hear?” he blurted.

simon scrubbed a hand over his face. he was still half-asleep, the world a sluggish blur. he hadn't heard anything.

“what?” he muttered.

“they’re gone,” johnny said, voice hushed, as if the walls had ears.

“who?”

“the council.”

simon blinked. he must have misheard.

the imperial council, the real power behind the throne, the untouchable elite who had bled the empire dry for decades, was gone?

johnny must have seen the doubt on his face because he leaned in, voice dropping even lower. “the emperor had them dragged from their estates last night,” the words spilled from his lips in a rush. “the whole lot of them. some executed on the spot, some thrown in chains. the prisons are full.”

a strange silence settled over simon.

the emperor did it. the same emperor who had blushed and stammered at the sight of his skin. the one who had refused to touch him, who had pulled his robes tighter when he moved to undress.

the one who had offered him food instead of flesh, who had thanked him for his dance in a voice that had trembled, not with hunger, not even power, but with something almost innocent.

that emperor had just cleansed the empire in a single night?

but the details were undeniable.

the council had been a cesspit of corruption. that much was known to everyone— servants, soldiers, even the common folk in the streets.

the previous emperor had been a weak, decadent fool, more interested in his own pleasures than ruling an empire.

but the true rot had always been his council. a den of power-hungry parasites.

sons of nobles who had never worked a day in their lives. brothers of wealthy merchants who controlled entire trade routes like personal kingdoms. advisors who spoke in silk-tongued lies while emptying the empire’s coffers. generals who had turned soldiers into mercenaries, selling their blades to the highest bidder while the borders crumbled.

they had taken everything– land, coin, lives— and given back nothing but suffering.

they had thought themselves untouchable. even after the old emperor’s death, they had been certain of their place. the new emperor was young, soft, naïve. nothing would change.

but something had.

the executions began swiftly.

the minor officials were the first to go. the tax collectors who had lined their pockets with gold stolen from starving villages, the magistrates who had sold verdicts to the highest bidder.

then came the generals who had betrayed their oaths, the merchants who had hoarded wealth while the people went hungry.

then, the council itself.

the most powerful men in the empire, who had sat in the emperor’s halls and made decrees like gods among mortals.

some tried to flee. some tried to bargain. some even screamed of injustice as they were dragged through the streets they had once ruled.

the emperor had let the people see them.

no quiet assassinations. no discreet poisonings.

their crimes were read aloud in the public square, their fates decided under the watchful eyes of the very people they had tormented.

the empire had not wept for them.

simon listened.

he listened as the guards swapped stories over their meals, as the servants whispered in the halls, as the lower officials murmured of shifting alliances and uncertain futures.

and in the middle of it all, the emperor stood untouched.

no trembling hands. no stammering voice. no soft, hesitant smiles. the shy little thing who had offered him grapes had wiped an entire generation of corruption from the palace without hesitation.

simon sat on the edge of his cot, johnny’s voice still rattling in his ears.

he thought of you, of your wide, flustered eyes and the uncharacteristic kindness you carried, and found himself wondering—

had you ever been afraid at all?

( … )

simon doesn't get summoned for a month. and he understood why.

the empire was unraveling and reweaving itself under the emperor’s hand. the council was gone, yes, but their absence had left a vacuum.

new ministers had to be chosen. laws had to be rewritten. sentences had to be passed down, beheadings signed into order. there were trials, public executions, and long nights where the emperor’s lantern burned until dawn.

the entire court was shifting. a world built on corruption and decadence was being dragged— kicking, screaming— into something new.

and so, simon had not been called. he had heard whispers, of course.

the emperor barely left their chambers. meals were left untouched. audiences grew shorter. even the palace servants had begun speaking in hushed tones.

overworked, someone murmured. drowning, another whispered.

and then, after a full month— a summons.

a messenger arrived at his door, impassively handing him an order written in the emperor’s own hand.

simon stared at it for a long time. he wasn’t scared. not exactly. but something in his stomach twisted.

the last time he had danced for the emperor, they had been a flustered thing beneath the weight of his gaze.

and now?

now, they were someone who had ordered an empire to kneel.

he had seen men like that before. had seen the way power changed them— hardened them, twisted them beyond recognition.

and so, when the doors opened, simon glanced up and braced himself.

not for a cruel emperor. but for a tired one.

you stood in the doorway, shoulders heavier than before, your silk robes hanging looser against your frame.

your face was drawn, shadows carved beneath your eyes, lips pressed together in quiet exhaustion. still, you didn’t look at him with hunger.

you barely looked at him at all.

when you spoke, your voice was quiet. “you may begin.”

simon danced.

and when the music faded, he remained still, letting the silence settle over. the lanterns flickered against the dark, their glow casting long shadows over the planes of his body, catching on the sweat at his collarbone, gilding the ridges of his arms, the curve of his chest. his fingers flexed, breath slow, waiting.

the dance was finished.

he hesitated undressing.

the first time he had danced for you, he had gone to remove his robes and been stopped, by command, by your hands catching at his wrists, voice stumbling over itself as you demanded he keep his clothes on.

but that had been a different time. that had been before.

before the trials, the sentences. before the streets had run slick with the blood of the old regime.

the first time he had danced, you had been unsure. nervous. stiff at the shoulders, eyes darting away, fingers twitching over the silk of your robes.

but now, you had sentenced men to die. you had held the weight of absolute power in your hands and wielded it without hesitation.

surely, you were different now. surely, you would not stop him this time.

simon’s fingers found the clasp at his belt.

“what-” your voice wavered, and your hands twitched, gripping at the fabric pooled in your lap. “what are you doing?”

simon paused. he looked up.

your gaze darted from him to the table and back, never quite settling. you adjusted the rings on your fingers, thumb smoothing absently over a polished stone, then your hands dropped to your lap, fingers curling into the fabric there, gripping and releasing as if trying to find something solid.

you weren’t looking at him. not really.

you were still nervous.

maybe not in the same way— not like before, when you had scrambled back, robes clutched so tightly they threatened to wrinkle. but still, there was tension in your shoulders, your fingers twisting against your sleeves.

you cleared your throat, shifting, before lifting a hand and, almost hesitantly, patting the space beside you.

“sit,” you murmured, still not quite meeting his gaze. “we should eat.”

simon stared.

for all his years of training, all his discipline, all his ability to hold himself perfectly still under scrutiny, something in him faltered.

he had expected demand. he had expected command. he had expected the same cold cruelty that emperors before you had wielded with ease

it becomes a ritual from then on.

every week, without fail, simon danced for you. and every week, without fail, you shared a meal afterward.

at first, it had been nothing more than an act of politeness, a courtesy you extended to someone who had expected something very different from you.

but then it became habit.

you learned the little things. that he ate without sound, exact in his movements even at rest, that he listened more than he spoke, the occasional tilt of his head the only indication that he was considering your words. how he never quite let himself relax, always poised, always ready.

and, in turn, he learned you. learned that you liked your tea slightly cooled before drinking, that you tapped your fingers against the lacquered table when deep in thought. learned that your power did not mean cruelty, that you did not demand fealty through fear most of the time, and that you had never asked for this throne but now that you had it, you would not sit idly upon it.

itt was— not companionship. not quite. but something close. something like familiarity.

so when you left the week’s meetings feeling drained, the echoes of politics still ringing through your head, it was simon you found yourself thinking of.

the courtyard was filled with the spoils of diplomacy— chests of silk, intricately painted ceramics, gilded weapons with delicate inlays of gold and ivory. and, most notably, horses.

tall, well-muscled things, bred for battle or ceremony, shifting their weight with practiced ease as handlers checked their bridles.

all of them were pristine. except for—

you stopped. blinked. tilted your head.

the animal stared back.

it was smaller than the horses, its fur coarse, dark with streaks of gold along its face. its ears were too large, flopping slightly as it tilted its head in perfect mimicry of your own movement.

“what,” you said, voice slow, “is that?”

the attendant beside you perked up. “ah! that’s a dog, your majesty.”

a dog.

you had never seen one before, not up close. the palace had been filled with birds, sleek white cranes that perched along the stone bridges, brilliant goldfinches flitting through the gardens. but not— this.

“does it serve a purpose?” you asked, watching as the creature stepped forward, its nose twitching at the hem of your robes.

the attendant nodded. “they’re loyal. protective. they’ll guard whoever they bond with.”

loyal. protective.

you hummed, considering. it was, objectively, perfect. a perfect gift for simon.

you try to suppress the glee curling in your chest as the dog follows at your heels, its padded steps near soundless against the stone.

it had taken little more than a glance and a soft call for it to follow, the creature trotting after you with an easy, natural obedience. as if it had belonged to you from the start.

but it wasn’t for you.

the warmth in your chest is unfamiliar. strange. it is not the satisfaction of a well-brokered deal, not the quiet triumph of an opponent bested, not even the sharp, addictive rush of power that comes with watching the world bend to your will.

no, this is different.

you’ve heard the stories, of course. of emperors keeping their dancers closer than their concubines. of favor turning to obsession. of gifts upon gifts heaped at the feet of those who spun and twisted for their ruler’s amusement. you have read of love.

but you do not know if that is what this is.

you only know that there is— warmth. a quiet want. a desire to please. not in the way that your court expects, not in the way that your officials demand. not out of duty or necessity or strategy.

but for him.

because watching him dance brings you pleasure. and you.. well, you want to return it.

so you press forward, your fingers twitching slightly against your sleeves, as the dog follows you into simon’s quarters, unaware of the meaning behind its presence.

you step into simon’s quarters, the dog padding beside you, its claws clicking against the polished floor. it’s a good dog. attentive. loyal. it watches you, ears twitching at every little sound, steps in sync with yours as if it had been at your side forever.

you’re not sure why your stomach is twisting like this, why your palms feel warm, why your heartbeat has picked up just slightly. you’ve given gifts before— lavish ones, jewels and gold and artifacts that could buy whole cities— but you’ve never given something like this. never given something that feels personal.

and you want to know what he will do with it.

simon looks up as you enter, standing near the low table where you always share meals, his mask in place, his posture as steady as ever. he’s still in his dance silks, his shoulders bare beneath the soft glow of candlelight, but for once, he doesn’t seem to take note of your presence.

because the moment his eyes land on the dog, something happens.

his whole body locks. his breath halts. his hands, already at his sides, clench just slightly. he doesn’t speak. doesn’t blink.

it’s not the reaction you expected. you thought he might tilt his head, ask what it was for, perhaps hesitate before reaching out

“i brought you something,” you say belatedly, though the words feel thinner than they should.

the dog shifts at your side, tail giving a slow, easy wag. it must sense something, because it takes a step forward, ears pricking up, eyes locked onto simon’s unmoving form.

and then— simon falls to his knees.

he doesn’t lower himself like a man intending to kneel. he doesn’t bow, nor does he fold himself neatly. he drops. a sharp, heavy motion, as if his body has been pulled downward by a force greater than himself. his hands shoot out, grasping, clinging, desperate— and it is not like a man petting a dog. it is not a man greeting a new companion.

the dog whines, shifting under simon’s grip, its tail thudding softly against the floor. simon doesn’t let go.

“where did you find him?” his voice is not like you’ve ever heard it before. it is rough, frayed at the edges, as though he is forcing the words through something raw and hurting in his throat.

you hesitate.

“he was traveling with the diplomats,” you say slowly, watching his fingers tighten in thick fur, his head bowing lower. “i asked for him.” a pause. “you two are... acquainted?”

simon’s hands shake. just slightly.

“he’s my childhood dog,” he says. and there it is. the weight behind it, the tightness in his voice, the way his fingers curl like they’re terrified to let go. “riley.”

something thick lodges itself in your throat. you don’t know what you thought this was. a simple gift. a kind gesture. a way to show simon that he is more than the role he plays, that he has worth beyond his performances. but you had not expected to dig up something this deep.

you take a step back. give him space. say nothing as he presses his face against the dog’s fur, holding it with a desperation that feels too sacred for you to intrude upon.

you did not mean to return something that had been lost. but you had.

and watching him now, watching the way his shoulders shake, just a little, you think, for the first time, that you’ve never been more glad to give something away.

( … )

the room is dim, the scent of burning incense curling in the air. outside, the night hums with distant music, the palace still alive despite the late hour. but here, in the quiet of your chambers, there is only the low crackle of a lantern and the soft, steady sound of simon’s fingers running through riley’s fur.

you watch him, gaze drifting over the scars littering his arms, his back. old wounds, long since healed but still telling of a life that did not belong to a dancer.

“why?” you ask. “why a dancer?”

he doesn’t look at you immediately. he doesn’t stiffen or flinch, doesn’t recoil from the question, only lets out a slow breath and keeps petting riley, his fingers moving in slow, absentminded motions.

“i have a debt,” he says. blank. matter-of-fact.

you tilt your head.

“i got injured,” he continues, voice detached. “took a while for me to heal. guess while i was at the healers, some-” his lips press together for a moment, eyes darkening slightly before he says it, “-higher-up took a liking to me. saved me from getting sent back to the front lines with the state of my body.” his fingers curl briefly into riley’s fur before smoothing out again. “dancing… it's how I pay off my medical fees.”

you watch him for a long moment. the way he speaks of it— detached, impassive, as if it’s something that happened to someone else. he does not sound grateful. he does not sound resentful either. just— removed. like the words are a story told from a distance, belonging to another man entirely.

and you understand why. in a superficial level, you understand.

he had said it himself: dancers are taken after every performance.

you can only imagine. your fingers tap against the table, gaze lingering on the muscles in his forearms, the scars that cut along his skin like old battle lines. tou think about the man who had taken him from the battlefield. the one who had decided simon was better suited for silk than steel.

"would you like to kill them?" you ask.

simon stills. his hand stops, resting against riley’s back. slowly, he lifts his head, looking at you.

"the person who took a liking to you," you clarify, tilting your head slightly. “would you like to kill them?”

he doesn’t answer right away. his eyes search yours, as if trying to find some kind of trap, some hidden meaning behind the words. as if waiting for you to laugh and take it back, to chide him for even considering it.

but you don’t.

simon blinks. a little stunned. he almost forgot who he was speaking to. nearly forgot that this was the same emperor who had emptied council seats, who had cleaned house with blood and blade.

his throat bobs slightly. “... you’d let me?” he asks.

you only smile, the curve of your lips unwavering.

“the only thing i wouldn’t allow,” you say, “is for you to harm yourself, simon.”

( … )

the door creaks open, and simon steps out into the cold air, his breath slow, measured, as if testing whether his lungs still work. the blood on his knuckles is drying now, crusting along the ridges of his skin, but the warmth of it lingers, soaked deep into the fine lines of his palm. his cheek is streaked with red, a single splatter tracing the sharp plane of his jaw like a brand.

he doesn't wipe it away. he feels no need to.

the body inside does not matter. the official is nothing now but another stain on the floorboards, another whisper of corruption excised from the empire. he had not begged, not pleaded. only stared at Simon with something dull in his eyes, as if he had already accepted that this day would come.

the killing had been quiet. private. just as simon had asked.

he breathes in, lets the air sting his lungs, and then he notices you.

you are waiting for him.

the lanterns burn low in the courtyard, their soft glow casting elongated shadows across the stones. the light catches on the edge of the spear in your hands, polished steel gleaming beneath the night sky. it is not ceremonial, not for show.

simon stops.

your gaze meets his. there is no revulsion in your expression, no horror at the blood spattered across his skin. you take him in, the remnants of his violence, the weight of what he has done, what he has become, and you do not flinch.

“you still have a debt,” you say and it is not a revelation but a simple truth.

simon holds your gaze for a moment before nodding. “yes.”

you watch him, considering. and then, in a slow motion, you extend the spear toward him.

the wood is solid beneath your grip, the weight of it resting easily in your hands. it has been used before. it will be used again.

“pay it off,” you say.

the words are an invitation and a command all at once.

simon stares at the weapon, at your fingers curled around its length. he does not hesitate. he reaches out, takes the spear from your hands, and holds it as he remembers how.

after that, he trains.

every day, from dawn until the lanterns are lit at dusk, he hones the strength he once had. the fluidity of movement that had been stripped from him, molded into something delicate, enticing. he reverses it now— makes his body a weapon again, rather than a display.

but the soldiers watch. they are not kind about it.

there are whispers that follow him in the barracks, murmurs exchanged between men who have never known what it is to be bought and sold, who have only ever seen battle as something glorious and not the brutal, ugly thing it truly is.

‘he was a dancer.’

‘he belonged to the emperor’s court, to their bed.’

‘what’s he doing here, playing soldier?’

they don’t say it to his face. at first.

but men like these— men full of piss and pride, men who believe that strength is something that can only be tested through humiliation— they are not patient.

and so they corner him.

not with their blades, no— that would be too obvious, too easy to reprimand.

they do it in ways they think are clever. they shove too hard during training spars, make jabs that teeter just at the edge of acceptable. one even dares to grab him by the arm, fingers tightening like a vice, lips curling into something amused.

“show us, then,” the man had drawled. “dance for us. you must be good at handling a sword in more ways than one, yeah?”

it had been a mistake. simon had let the man live with three broken ribs. the others had needed more convincing.

when word reaches commander price, it is not simon who delivers it.

but it doesn’t matter.

price finds them. the beating is public. price makes sure of it.

he doesn't call them out to the courtyard. no, that would be too generous. too structured. he finds them where they sit, where they drink, where they feel safe— and he rips that feeling away with his bare hands.

the first one doesn’t even see it coming. one second, he’s laughing, throwing back a drink, boasting about how he’d finally shut that smug dancer up, how he’d gotten his hands on him, how he was about to really put him in his place, and then price is there.

his fist caves the man’s nose in before he can even flinch.

the crack is loud. the laughter stops.

the soldier hits the floor, blood pouring from his face, hands scrambling against the stone as he tries to right himself— but he doesn’t get the chance.

price grabs him by the collar and slams his head into the table so hard the wood splits.

“you like getting your hands on people who can’t fight back?” price’s voice is sharp, like the edge of a blade sliding beneath the ribs.

“c-commander-!” someone chokes.

but it’s too late.

price turns his head slightly, catches the others, the whole rotten lot of them, and moves. he reaches the next one in two strides. he punches the bastard straight in the throat.

the man stumbles, gagging, choking, hands flying to his neck— but price isn’t done. he grabs him by the hair, drags him up onto unsteady feet— then drives his knee into his gut so hard he crumples.

one. two. three times.

someone rushes him from behind. price dodges without even looking, turns sharply, elbows the man so hard in the temple he goes down twitching.

the others start backing up.

price is only just getting started.

he throws one into the stone pillar, leaves him gasping, wheezing. he stomps on another's hand until he hears fingers snap— and when the last one tries to run?

price catches him, grabs him by the hair, and slams his head against the nearest wall. the body slides to the floor, leaving a bloody smear in its wake.

and then, silence.

the rest of the room watches in horror. no one dares to move.

except simon. he stands with arms crossed, watching without reaction. price breathes out through his nose, shakes blood off his knuckles, then turns to him.

“is that allowed?” simon asks, voice as neutral as ever.

price shrugs, wipes his hands on his tunic. “the emperor wouldn’t mind the few deaths of pieces of shits.” he pauses, tilts his head. “you’re a very good fighter, simon,” he says. “if anyone tries that again, you have my express permission to fuck their assholes open with your spear.”

simon blinks. then, with a slow nod, he replies, “...yes, sir.”

after that, no one bothers him. no one calls him a dancer anymore. not unless they want their jaw wired shut.

and when simon finally feels ready, he doesn’t hesitate. he requests an audience with the emperor.

the guards let him in without question. they know his face by now— the dancer-turned-soldier. the emperor’s oddity.

when he steps inside, he finds the you at your desk, ink staining your fingers, a candle flickering beside you.

you do not look like an emperor in that moment. you look… tired. human.

and yet, when you see him, you smile.

“simon,” you greet, voice warm despite the late hour. “to what do i owe the pleasure?”

he kneels, lowering his head. “i request to be part of your personal guard.”

the candle flickers. and then, a quiet chuckle.

“you would see more action fighting on the front lines,” you say, setting your brush down, rubbing the ink from your fingers. “you would see more glory.”

“i don’t need glory.”

you tilt your head, studying him. “then what do you need?”

he hesitates, just for a moment, before meeting your gaze. “it’s you i have a debt to. not the empire.”

you hum. “wouldn’t you argue that the emperor is the empire?”

simon exhales. “no. the emperor is the emperor. i fight for you.”

you search his face for something you don’t say aloud. after a moment, you stand. your robes shift around you like dark silk as you cross the room, stopping just before him.

you place a hand on his shoulder. “then fight for me, simon.” your fingers squeeze “welcome to my guard.”

( … )

simon’s entrance into the emperor’s personal guard is… smooth. smoother than he expected, at least.

the other guards do not question him. there are no murmurs behind his back, no sidelong glances filled with doubt or scorn. he had anticipated resistance, had braced himself for it, but instead, he finds himself seamlessly folded into their ranks, as if he has always been there.

they do not sneer at him. they do not ask if he can still move his hips as well as he moves a blade. they do not whisper of the silks he once wore, the way he once swayed beneath golden light.

instead, they watch him. assess him.

the personal guard of the emperor is not composed of fools. they are neither weak, nor complacent. each one of them chosen, forged by war or circumstance into something lethal.

and while simon is not tested, he is measured.

they watch him move when training, how his muscles coil and shift as he maneuvers his spear. they watch how he strikes— if he does it blindly, wildly. he does neither.

they watch his stance, his footwork, how he adapts mid-fight, shifting strategies in a blink, never fully predictable. he does not fight like a soldier, like a man shaped by war. simon fights like someone who has been cornered before. like someone who has survived things he has no name for.

and they notice other things, too.

the sharpness in his gaze, the tension on his shoulders coiled like a spring. how his body moves before his mind can catch up— an instinctive step between the emperor and the rest of the world.

his fingers flexing near the hilt of his sword whenever a voice in the throne room rises too confidently, when someone speaks to the emperor with something close to familiarity.

and they seem… pleased.

"you’re good," kyle garrick says one afternoon, after training. he rolls his shoulders, stretching out his arms as he leans against the stone railing that overlooks the training grounds. his tunic is damp with sweat, a towel draped lazily over one shoulder.

simon does not respond immediately. rather, he shifts his grip on his spear, rolling his wrist, testing the weight.

kyle watches him for a moment, then smirks. "so," he says, voice teasing. "you got a crush on the emperor or something?"

simon stills. it is barely noticeable. a brief pause, a fraction of a second, but kyle is observant— he wouldn’t have survived this long if he weren’t.

"you do," kyle says, grinning now, tipping his head back with a laugh.

simon exhales through his nose. "i don’t."

"you so do."

"i am here to protect them," simon says, evenly, like it’s something obvious, something that should not need saying.

kyle raises a brow, amused. "yeah, yeah, i know. we all are." he waves a hand, as if brushing away the thought, then grins. "just saying, you’re a bit more intense about it than the rest of us."

and he is.

he knows that he walks too closely at their side. he knows that his pulse betrays him whenever they speak his name, soft in a way he did not think emperors could be.

it is not duty that tightens his chest. it is something else. something warm and dangerous.

( … )

the weekends belong to him. not by decree. not by law. not by any spoken agreement.

and yet, they are his all the same.

when simon left behind being a dancer, when he was given his freedom— truly given it, not just the illusion of it— he expected this arrangement to end. the time set aside for him in your presence had always been part of his role, an expectation tied to his station. it was never his to keep.

but you never withdrew it. and simon never refused.

today, however, he hesitates.

he does not know why it is so hard to speak. he is not a man of many words to begin with, but today, it feels different. it is not just silence, it is weight. something thick, cloying, clinging to his ribs and pressing against his throat, strangling the words before they can form.

you notice. you always do.

but instead of asking, instead of prying into what he is not yet ready to give, you simply turn back to riley.

the dog sprawls across the floor, rolling onto his back with a contented huff, stretching long and lazy, paws curled slightly in the air. he is comfortable here. safe.

you hum softly, your fingers combing through his thick fur. slow, careful strokes. your nails scratch lightly at his chest, pressing into the muscle there.

riley’s tail thumps against the floor. once. twice.

when you pause, pulling your hand away, his large paws swipe blindly at your wrist, tugging at the edge of your sleeve with something almost insistent and spoiled.

you laugh. it is a rare sound.

not the laugh you give in court, polite and laced with formality. not the restrained amusement of a ruler who must always be poised, who cannot afford to be anything less than composed.

instead it's something else. something real.

it crinkles the corners of your eyes, softens the sharp edges of you, curves at your lips in a way that makes you look utterly, devastatingly human.

and simon watches. your fingers move through the dog’s fur, rubbing gentle circles into his chest. he watches your eyes soften when riley nuzzles into your touch. your lips part just slightly, exhaling, for once seeming unburdened.

and something in his chest twists. he wants to say something. the words press against his ribs but they do not come.

he breathes in, trying to loosen the knot in his throat, and when he exhales— he tries.

“your majesty.”

you turn to him immediately, hands stilling in riley’s fur.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

it sits heavy on his tongue, pressing against the back of his teeth, but they do not leave. instead, he grips his knee, fingers flexing against the fabric, and says, "thank you."

your head tilts slightly. “what for?”

for not using me.

for letting me eat.

for giving me back riley.

for freeing me.

for giving me purpose again.

for being kind.

his throat tightens. his fingers curl against his knee. “for..." He hesitates, breath shallow. "... giving me a chance."

you do not answer right away. and then, softly— "i’m sorry as well."

simon frowns. “for what?”

“for the suffering you endured under the rule of the empire."

the frown deepens. he shakes his head. “that wasn’t your fault-”

“i am emperor.” your voice cuts through his protest. “you are my subject. the sins of all emperors before me become my own. i cannot deny you your suffering simply because it was not done under my rule."

slowly, you rise to your feet, dusting off your robes.

then you kneel.

a ruler should never kneel before their subject.

yet, there you are.

you lower yourself onto your knees before him, hands resting lightly on your thighs. your head bows. “the empire might not apologize to you, simon," you say. "but I will. by my will, i am sorry."

no emperor has ever apologized. no emperor has ever cared to. no emperor has even cared to know his name.

his pulse thrums loud in his ears. “no-”

“i am sorry.”

“your majesty-!”

“i am sorry.”

his throat burns.

you mean it.

these are not empty words. they are not the platitudes of a ruler seeking favor or the hollow reassurances of someone who does not understand what they are asking forgiveness for.

you mean it.

and simon cannot stand it.

he cannot stand the sincerity in your voice, the weight of it, the way you look at him like he is something worth kneeling for, something worth mourning.

no one has ever mourned for him before. no one has ever grieved the life he lost, the suffering he endured, the things he was forced to do just to survive. no one has ever looked at him with something so close to sorrow— not for what he could do, not for what he was capable of, but for what had been done to him.

he does not know what to do with it.

he feels unmoored. untethered. like something inside him is breaking open, spilling out into the quiet space between you.

he has spent his entire life enduring, surviving, weathering the blows as they came. he has been beaten, broken, used, discarded, rebuilt only to be used again.

he has never been seen. he has never been given back to himself.

not until you. not until now.

it is too much.

he cannot hold it. he cannot bear it.

before he can think. before he can stop himself— simon reaches forward, fingers trembling, hesitating at your jaw.

you do not move. you do not pull away.

and it is that, that, which finally undoes him. his breath shudders out of him. his fingers tighten, tilting your chin just slightly, just enough.

and then he kisses you. it is not gentle, not careful. it is desperate, raw, frantic, clumsy.

he does not know how to kiss like a lover. he only knows how to take, how to crave, how to need.

his lips part against yours, rough and unpracticed, like he is searching for something in the press of your mouth, something he cannot name, something he does not know how to ask for.

his fingers curl at the base of your skull, tangled in your hair, gripping tight like he is afraid you might vanish between one breath and the next.

his body trembles, breath shuddering.

he does not know how to be held. but gods, he wants it.

you inhale sharply against his mouth. but you do not stop him. you do not pull away. you let him take. you let him fall apart. you let him grieve.

and for the first time in a long, long time— simon does.

( … )

the festival is a night of fire and revelry.

it is the last night before the season shifts, before the long, unforgiving winter settles its weight upon the empire. the people celebrate while they can. they light the streets with lanterns, hang silks from balconies, lose themselves in the illusion of warmth.

it is beautiful. it is loud. it is also dangerous.

because festivals make for easy hunting grounds.

nobles walk without their usual escorts, growing bold in the comfort of the crowd. wealthy merchants drink too much and wander into unfamiliar alleys, where shadows wait with knives. the scent of sweat and perfume thickens the air, masking other, deadlier things: poison. smoke. blood.

assassins thrive on nights like these.

that is why you must be seen. that is why you must be present. the empire is a beast with a thousand eyes, and all of them must see that you still live.

simon watches you dress.

it is an intimate thing, though it should not be. he stands by the window, hands clasped behind his back, posture rigid, but his eyes never leave you.

your attendants work in practiced silence, moving with the precision of ritual. they drape silk over your shoulders, smoothing it down with deft hands, tucking folds. the fabric catches the light of the lanterns, the embroidery shimmering as they fasten the clasps. gold and crimson, the colors of the empire, settle against your frame, woven into the very skin of your station.

you do not fidget beneath their touch. you do not squirm, nor sigh in impatience. you were born for this. you have done this your entire life, moved through these motions since you were old enough to stand. you have worn heavier things.

the weight of the robes is nothing compared to the weight of the empire. you carry both without complaint, standing still as jeweled pins are twisted into your hair, as golden chains are draped around your throat. the attendants murmur their approval, stepping back to admire their work, yet you do not glance at them.

you are watching him.

the mirror catches the flicker of your gaze— amusement, mischief, something softer beneath it all. it holds for just a second, a fleeting moment, but simon catches it nevertheless. he always does.

"what do you think, love?"

his breath stirs in his chest.

he has seen you in battle, streaked with dirt and blood, sword gleaming in the dying light. he has seen you slip out of your armor and into silk, the quiet transition from ruler to something softer. he has watched you sleep, head tipped against his shoulder during long rides back to the capital, the tension momentarily stripped from your features. he has seen you at war. he has seen you at peace.

and yet— nothing prepares him for this.

he swallows, throat dry. "you look beautiful, sweetheart."

the words fall easily, instinctive, pulled from some deep part of him that does not know how to lie to you.

your lips curve. "you think so?"

you step closer, erasing the space between you.

simon exhales. he should move. should put distance between you, should remember what you are, what he is. but his hands betray him, twitching at his sides, aching to hold despite the audience.

"anyone who says otherwise is a liar." his voice is rough, the edges frayed.

the gold at your throat glints as you tip your chin, as you step into his shadow.

he could touch you. he could reach forward, brush his fingers over the silk, let them linger at your wrist, trace the curve of your jaw. you would let him. that is the dangerous thing.

but you are the emperor. even if you are his lover in private, you are still the emperor.

and so he forces himself to step back. to clear his throat. to drag his gaze away, though it costs him. "we should go," he murmurs.

your gaze lingers on him for a moment longer. then, you nod.

duty calls.

( … )

the balcony stretches wide, a throne above the city, a vantage point to watch an empire bask in the last of the season.

below, the streets churn with life, a restless sea of bodies swaying to the erratic rhythm of drums and drunken laughter. lanterns flicker in the warm dusk, their light reflecting in uneven pools along the slick stone roads, catching the movement of dancers, merchants, thieves— all swept up in the fever of celebration. the scent of roasted meat, spiced wine, and burning tallow clings to the humid air.

it should feel victorious.

the banners ripple against the night in proud, royal hues. nobles recline in their velvet seats, wine-stained lips curved in indulgent smirks, watching the revelry below with the satisfaction of those who believe themselves untouchable. safe.

simon knows better.

he stands close behind you, his presence like iron at your back. the worn edges of his armor bite into the leather of his gloves as his fingers flex, restless, his weight shifting just slightly, always prepared to move. his head tilts, gaze flicking across the expanse of celebration below, scanning the rooftop lines, the alley mouths, the high windows where a blade could glint, where an arrow could be notched in silence.

kyle is perched higher, a shadow against the marble pillars, his posture loose but his hand firm around his sword hilt. johnny is closer to the emperor’s council, half-drunk on purpose, draped against a column with a lazy, lopsided grin that does nothing to soften the narrow of his eyes.

the empire breathes.

a scream splits the air.

it is not the shriek of drunken joy, nor the playful yelp of a lover chased through the streets.

the celebration stutters, shudders, the music dying in an awkward, broken note. heads turn. bodies press together, shifting, unsure. the ripple of confusion swells, twisting through the crowd like a current.

then— the arrow.

it cuts through the dark, slicing a perfect arc from the rooftops. too perfect. not a warning shot.

"down!"

simon moves, his arm locking around your waist, his hand pressing firm between your shoulder blades as he wrenches you back, turning his body to shield yours. he feels the air shudder past his cheek as the arrow narrowly misses its mark.

it shatters against stone— and then the air explodes.

the hiss is instant, a sharp burst of pressurized gas erupting in a thick, curling vapor. it blooms.

the scent is overwhelming, sticky-sweet and invasive, creeping into fabric, sinking into breath.

he recognizes it immediately. sex pollen. of course.

simon doesn’t stop moving. his palm slams over your mouth and nose, cutting off your inhale before the drug can take root. he grits his teeth against the stench, doing his damndest to keep his inhales to a minimum.

"scatter!" his voice cuts through the chaos.

"what the fuck is that?!" kyle’s voice, sharp with alarm.

"incoming-! rooftops on the east side buildings!" johnny snarls, sprinting to join kyle's position. "they’re fucking everywhere!"

and then the arrows rain down.

the city breaks open.

simon barely has time to pivot, barely has time to shove you behind him before another shot whizzes past, embedding deep into the wooden railing with a dull thunk.

the gas thickens, curling around ankles, clinging to skin. the first victims drop— moaning, writhing.

the other guards hesitate, recoiling as the realization dawns.

"hold your fucking breath!" simon snarls, dragging you back, his grip vise-tight. he looks at kyle, who has his cloak yanked over his face, his sword unsheathed. "can you hold?"

kyle’s grin is nigh feral. “who the fuck do you think i am?”

simon doesn’t ask any more questions.

you sway, your breath hitches. your body shudders, your pulse a frantic, erratic rhythm against his fingers.

"shit."

you go limp.

simon barely catches you before your legs fold, weight crumpling against his chest.

"go!" kyle barks, already shifting to cover. "get them out!"

simon runs.

"ambush!” simon’s voice is seething growl as he storms into your chambers.

the heavy doors slam against the walls, the sound splitting the air like a crack of thunder. a gust of wind rushes through the room from the force of it, stirring the candle flames, making them flicker and stretch like spectral fingers along the gilded walls. the impact rattles the delicate glassware set on the ornate side tables, sends a tremor through the room, an echo of the storm brewing in his chest.

the guards flinch. one jerks a hand toward his sword, another straightens so quickly that his armor clanks. their confusion fractures as they register the weight in simon’s arms.

you.

unconscious. burning up.

"the emperor-"

"-is not dead." the word snap through the air like steel meeting stone. his grip shifts, an unconscious adjustment, his arms instinctively tightening, bracing against your limp weight, feeling the unnatural heat pulsing off your skin. "seal the area- five-meter perimeter. now."

"the healers-"

"out!" johnny’s voice whips through the chamber. "everyone out- now!"

there is a fraction of a second where the guards hesitate, their training at war with the urge to question, to make sense of this. a heartbeat of stunned silence— then a scramble.

a flurry of movement, boots scraping, armor clanking as the soldiers turn on their heels and spill out into the corridor, their earlier confusion hardening into purpose. the doors groan as they swing shut behind them.

blissful silence. only johnny remains.

he stands still, his gaze searching, moving over every inch of simon’s frame, noticing his jaw is clenched too tight, his fingers curled too hard around the fabric of your robes.

then his eyes flick to the air between them.

the scent.

the ghost of it still lingers, clinging to simon’s armor, the walls, the silk of your clothes. it’s a thick, cloying thing, a sickly-sweet undertone curling at the edges of every breath. faint. diluted. but still, unmistakable.

johnny knows.

“are you-” he stops. adjusts. when he speaks again, his voice is more steady. "will you be okay?"

simon doesn’t answer. he doesn’t want to answer. he has spent years forcing himself to be okay.

the muscles in his shoulders lock, his mind an iron grip around the pulse hammering at his throat. he controls his breathing, controls the way he doesn’t react to the way your body presses against him, the way your fevered skin burns through his armor.

"i'm fine." the words scrape past his teeth, flat and sharp, an order as much as a statement.

johnny exhales. his lips press into something almost like understanding.

almost.

but he doesn’t push.

“right,” he mutters, tipping his head toward the door. “i’ll give you space.”

simon lays you down gently when he reaches your bed. his hands do not tremble, but his pulse is hammering. he watches as your body sinks into the silk sheets, the fever in your skin burning bright even against the cool fabric. your breath is shallow, uneven. the fine tremors wracking your frame are small, delicate, but he sees them— feels them— like aftershocks rippling through his bones.

his fingers brush over your wrist, just long enough to feel the frantic flutter of your pulse beneath too-hot skin.

too fast. too weak.

fuck. he should have been faster.

his jaw locks as he adjusts you, shifting your limbs, trying to ease the unconscious tension wound tight in your muscles. he does not let himself feel the heat radiating from you, does not let himself dwell on the fact that your robes have loosened— because of him, because of the struggle, because of how he carried you.

but the sight is there, in the corner of his vision.

your robes, slipping. your breath, shaking. your body, pliant beneath his hands.

he swallows, hard. inhales. exhales. the scent is still there, thick enough to choke on.

it clings to your skin, curls in the air between you, winds its way into his lungs, refuses to let him take a single breath of clean air. he hates it.

his fingers curl into his palm, blunt nails pressing deep into the skin. tight enough to hurt. tight enough to remind himself that he is still here, still in control, still—

you whimper.

simon stops breathing. his gaze snaps to you and he sees you shifting against the sheets, damp with sweat, slipping further from your shoulder, revealing more. offering more. your thighs press together in a slow, restless motion, and the sight of it sets his veins on fire, makes him want to—

no. not now. not like this.

he tears his eyes away, turns sharply, moves toward the washbasin, his steps too forced. the pitcher clatters against the bowl, the sound too loud.

he grips the cloth too hard. wrings it out too forcefully. watches as water spatters onto the floor, the droplets lost in the ragged sound of your breath behind him.

"simon-" his name falls from your lips, small, raw with something he cannot name.

his.

you.

his.

he turns. he shouldn’t but he does and his hands are on you before he can think better of it, before he can stop himself from giving you what you’re asking for. before he can stop himself from holding you the way you need to be held.

his fingers brush over your cheek, tracing the curve of your jaw, the heat beneath your skin burning into him, sinking deep. you shudder at the touch, a quiet, desperate noise slipping past your lips, your body arching ever so slightly into his palm.

you have always been beautiful. but like this— like this, caught in the golden glow of the lantern light, lashes fluttering, lips parted, your breath shallow and uneven— you are devastating.

and it is killing him.

your hands find him, weak and uncoordinated as they are, desperate in their seeking. you clutch at his robes, clinging to him like a lifeline. like he is the only thing anchoring you to the world, the only thing keeping you from slipping into the fever that is devouring you whole.

"simon- everything hurts-"

and he knows. he knows.

his arms tighten around you, his body a wall between you and the suffering threatening to consume you. his lips brush against your temple. "i’ve got you."

and he does.

because he is your guard.

because you are his emperor.

because he has loved you for years, has worshipped at your feet, has devoted himself to you in ways that go beyond duty, beyond reason, beyond anything he has ever known.

because he has no choice. because he would burn the world to the ground before he lets you suffer.

because there is no one else.

the fever is a living thing, burrowing deep, wrapping around your spine, clawing through your veins. you can’t think past it, can’t breathe past it, can’t do anything but tremble beneath the weight of it— beneath him.

simon is blistering against you. sweat beads at his hairline, slicks his chest, makes the muscles in his arms gleam under the dim light. he smells like salt, like heat, like skin rubbed raw. his pulse thrums in his throat, in the thick lines of his forearms where veins stand taut beneath flushed skin, in the solid weight of him pressing against you, pinning you down, keeping you from slipping away into the haze.

your fingers twitch where they claw at his biceps, barely able to grip. you’re shaking, muscles locked tight, spine arched, your thighs trembling where they spread open beneath him.

he notices. of course, he notices.

his hand drags up your side, slow, deliberate, feeling every inch of you. when he reaches your chest, he presses his palm there, right over your sternum, feeling the frantic, stuttering beat of your heart.

he groans.

"fuck," he mutters, breath shuddering out of him.

his forehead knocks against yours, damp skin on damp skin, his nose brushing yours, mouth parted against your cheek. you can feel his breath, feel the ragged shake of it, the way it stutters when his cock twitches against you.

he wants.

so do you.

you choke out something wrecked, something that isn’t even a word, just a sound— high and thin and pleading.

his jaw goes tight. his fingers flex against your chest, the other hand anchoring itself to your hip, gripping firm, holding you steady.

"breathe," he rasps.

you try. you fail.

his cock drags against your hole, the head catching, nudging, pressing— but not sinking in. not yet.

you whine, twitching beneath him, muscles jerking, nails digging into his arms.

simon’s breath stutters.

"shit," he mutters, voice frayed, breaking apart. his teeth sink into his bottom lip, his whole body coiled.

you reach for him— sliding trembling hands up, over the broad slope of his shoulders, the thick column of his neck. your fingers curl there, feeling his throat works, swallowing hard, pulse pounding against your fingertips.

he’s barely hanging on.

you can break him.

"please," you whisper, soft.

his restraint shatters.

his hips surge forward. his cock sinks in, thick and hot, stretching you wide.

you cry out.

his hand clamps over your mouth. "quiet," he hisses, his own voice barely above a rasp. his breath shakes, his whole body trembles.

his cock throbs deep inside you. you can feel every inch of him, every pulse, every twitch. he holds still, his hand pressed tight to your mouth, his forehead still resting against yours, panting.

"fuckin’ hell.”

his rhythm crumbles. thrusts turn wild, erratic, slamming too hard, dragging too slow. he groans, forehead pressed against yours, breath pouring over your lips, damp and shaking.

"fuck," he grits out, voice breaking. his jaw clenches, his whole body shuddering. "you're-"

he doesn't finish. just moves, just takes.

his hands clutch at your hips, fingers bruising, digging in like he needs to feel every inch of you, like he needs to own it, like he’s terrified you’ll slip away if he lets up even for a second. but you don’t slip away. you pull him in.

"si," you gasp, voice shredded. "more-"

he hisses through his teeth, hips snapping forward, cock sinking deep. a shudder rolls through him, his whole body locking up for a second.

his thumb strokes over your mouth, pressing down on your lower lip, teasing the wet heat of your tongue. he watches, eyes blown wide, pupils swallowing the color.

"fuckin’ love this mouth," he mutters, slurred. "love how you-"

you cut him off, dragging his thumb in deeper, sucking. his breath stutters.

"christ," he groans.

his hips stutter too, cock pulsing inside you. he drags his thumb free, watches the wet shine of it, then slides it down, presses against where you're stretched around him, feels the way your body grips him tight.

"you feel that?" he grinds in, slow and cruel, lets you feel every inch of him. "feel how fuckin’ deep i am?"

your head kicks back, breath breaking apart.

"yeah," he rasps, voice dropping. "fuckin'- yeah, you do."

his hand snakes up, finds your throat, fingers curling around it, not squeezing, just holding. just feeling your pulse jackhammers against his touch.

"si," you gasp, hands scrambling over his back, nails dragging over sweat-slick skin.

"yeah," he mutters. "know, baby, know."

he drives in deep, grinds his hips, feels your whole body trembles around him. your muscles lock up, your back bows, a sound rips from your throat— wrecked, helpless.

he groans, hips moving faster, harder, cock dragging in and out, every stroke hitting deep, every thrust pushing you higher.

"gonna come?" his grip tightens, hand on your throat, holding you still.

"please," you gasp.

his body shudders. a sharp breath leaves him, like the sound alone is too much, like hearing you beg is about to ruin him.

"then fuckin’-" his voice catches, breaks. his hips snap forward, slamming in, grinding. "-fuckin’ do it."

and you do.

it doesn’t creep up on you. doesn’t build slow. it crashes.

the pressure snaps like a wire pulled too tight, heat igniting in your spine, exploding outward, everything pulling tight, then breaking apart, shattering you from the inside out. the world vanishes. sound cuts out. your body locks up so hard you can’t even breathe.

your muscles spasm around him, sucking him deeper, milking him. your thighs tremble. your fingers claw at his back, at his arms, at anything you can reach. your lips part on a cry but nothing comes out— just raw pleasure, a wrecked thing too big to hold in.

his breath shudders, chest caving in against yours, every muscle in his body strung tight.

"fuck, fuck," he chokes, almost a whimper.

his hips snap forward, frantic, a few more sloppy thrusts before he breaks. his whole body seizes up, cock throbbing deep inside you, heat spilling hot and thick, filling you up. he groans against your skin, hips jerking, grinding through it, holding you open for him, pushing in as deep as he can go.

he trembles. his forehead presses into your shoulder, his hands shake where they clutch at your body, holding you there, grounding himself in the feel of you.

his breath is ragged.

his chest heaves.

his arms stay locked around you, keeping you pressed close, keeping you his.

and he still doesn’t pull out.

[snoopyhq]

Jealous viktor + reader 🙏

˚ ♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀ so with my best, my very best, i set you free

(i love laufey 🗣️ her cover of "i wish you love" with the icelandic orchestra? 2:49 of heaven)

type: viktor x reader

summary: headcanons and a drabble of jealous viktor. headcanons are pre-relationship, the drabble is the established relationship ✪ ꨄ︎

word count: 2415

a/n: OMG FIRST ASK I'M SO HONORED I'M SO EXCITED YIPPEE !!! will be working on the others whenever i have the time, but TRUST i am plotting and scheming <3 any other askers, feel free to drop by! i hope i did your request justice, dear anon.

It was unfair to you, and to him, in his most miserable moments of pure self-pity

Viktor envied those who were healthy. He wished he wasn't born with the circumstances he was dealt. He would trade anything to spend one day with a respiratory system that didn't choke him from the inside out every time he took a breath

He was jealous of you, initially, when you first met

You seemed to have it so easy

Easy laughter, easy conversation, easy friends. You had an established life, you were loved, and you held yourself together with such ease that he sometimes wonders how much you're really holding back

He feels bad for assuming you were dealing with awful problems. But it was very likely. I mean, who was truly that... happy? Well off? At ease with themself and their role in the world? He was probably projecting

And then you somehow, by all the miracles a human could possibly be granted, managed to worm your way into his life and secure yourself there too

Viktor vehemently rejected you at first. He was much like a stray cat. You just gotta continuously give them love on their own terms, and often times, it was slow, and that concept applied to Viktor too

It started with small things. Brief greetings where you called him by name

"Good morning, Viktor."

"Nice to see you here today, Viktor."

"Viktor, you have a good night ok? Get home safe."

Including him in conversations. Commentary about how you two just happened to be in the same place at the same time. The library, a cafe, randomly in the middle of a bustling street

You always had that breezy way of acknowledging things. What a nice coincidence. It was all genuine

You were pleased to be surprised by his presence

Wordlessly holding the door for him, even if you really didn't have to wait. But it was never a big deal, so

He pushed it away. Brushed it off, and tried to forget about it, but those little moments kept circling through his mind like an irritating tape he couldn't dislodge from the disc player, and turning the TV off wasn't doing shit when those scenes were basically burned onto the screen

Like the natural progression of the lunar cycle, Viktor found himself unconsciously expecting you in his life

He can't remember a time when you weren't

Your greetings, your little gestures of kindness, that skill of small talk that meant so, so much to him were cherished like an altar of worship

While he was in no way, shape, or form completely opening himself up to befriending any more people, he began to feel much more natural with you and others you gave your time to

Which brought him to his current bit of emotional turbulence

That prickling in his chest whenever he saw you with other people, giving them your precious words and quality time? Yeah, he shouldn't be feeling this

You were allowed to have other friends! You had people in your life before him, and it doesn't mean you consider him any less just because you spent a moment or two with someone else!

He would tighten his grip on his cane, those mantras feverishly chanting in his mind as he walked in circles, attempting to reign his emotions into a more rational state

He had no right to feel jealous like this, but he couldn't help it

Jayce was his only real companion before, and now that he was a council member, he had less time for Viktor. He had the city to nurture and shape, a big responsibility. The loneliness of the lab was barely a noticeable shift from before

Now, you arrived as if by careless chance, giving him another glimpse, another hit of company, and it was maddeningly cruel to have those doses be in such short time frames

He was given what he needed and wanted, but never fully

Accepting that reality was going to be harder than accepting you truly wishing to be around him, in all his sardonic glory, his blunt nature that had most other people walking away. Just not you

To grapple with this selfish desire was humiliating

He was fully aware of how innately human it all was. If only it were easier. Someday.

For now, he would wait and bask in all the attention and friendship you offered him so willingly

You stood in front of your mirror, going over your carefully put together look one last time. You wanted to look good, and having the outfit fall into place like how you planned it in your head always gave you an extra boost of happiness before you left the house. Straightening the collar of your top one last time, you were finally satisfied.

Viktor was waiting for you in the living room. He stood up when you finally appeared, greeting you with a kiss to your cheek and a murmured "You look enchanting, as always."

You laughed and hugged him.

"And you're dashing, as per usual."

With your arm linked through his, the two of you went on your way. He had planned the date tonight. The winding route led to the sparkling, five-tiered fountain that marked the center of the shopping fair. The flowing water sparkled and danced beneath the fairy lights strung through the evergreens surrounding the space, and orchestral music floated up from where the quintet performed.

You two often went here after a long, stressful week, dining at one of the outdoor tables and idly chatting before hitting a couple stores. Most of the time, it would be the bookshop, the local woodcarver, and then the bakery. You had made it a tradition to buy one another a sweet treat, and it was always a delight to see if your guesses of enjoyment would be met or not.

There was certainly not a lack of other people around you, many of whom were also hand in hand. The center was a popular spot for local students and couples to unwind and spend time together.

When you both had your fill of sights and perusing your respective comforts, you made your way back to the fountain. The musicians had struck up a lively waltz, and many were dancing along now. Both of you shared a look, and moved to join in, albeit towards the edge of the crowds.

Dancing with Viktor was one of your favorite activities. He moved with such assuredness and care for your space, making him all the more captivating in his graces. The respectful placement of his hand on your waist, never going too far and risking your discomfort in public, and never straying away lest he appeared bored, Viktor made sure you were his priority.

After the song concluded, you spun Viktor around slowly to the rhythm of the music drawing to a close, dipping him into a kiss during the final note.

His cheeks were slightly flushed, both from the exertion and from your affection.

"I'm going to grab a drink. We can head home after, if you'd like," you told him, head leaning on his shoulder as he walked with you back up the steps.

"That's perfectly fine. I can hold your bag while you do that."

Oh, Viktor. Ever the gentleman.

You went inside the establishment, and ordered yourself a shirley temple with sweet cream, fully planning to share with him. You knew he had a penchant for the more saccharine in terms of taste. While you waited to order, another patron joined you after placing their order.

"Busy place tonight, isn't it?" they commented.

You turned your attention to them, surprised a stranger was making conversation with you, but you didn't mind. All harmless small talk, after all. You would be leaving soon anyways when your order was finished, so why not pass the time with pleasantries?

"It's one of the most popular cafes around here," you replied. "Friday nights always means live music, so people love to flock here. I should know. I frequent here often." you finished with a smile, and received one in return.

They continued engaging you in conversation, and you soon realized it was taking a bit for your drink. A shirley temple wasn't complicated, and you were worried something was wrong. Maybe they were short-staffed tonight? Did an accident occur in the back?

"Are you worried about your drink?"

"No, not really. More so the workers here," you were honest. Some of them were fellow students you see at the academy, and others knew you as a regular, and you had grown quite fond of the staff as they were of you.

"That's a surprise. You're very sweet."

Their order quickly arrived, and they bid you farewell before departing into the night. You walked up to the counter, asking if everyone was ok. The barista reassured you, saying it was only going to take a little while, and that everything is alright now. Relieved, you went back to your perch.

Outside, Viktor was waiting anxiously. This was taking a lot longer than he had anticipated.

When someone emerged from the cafe, he was tempted to get up and ask them if they'd seen you in there.

Yes, my partner. About this tall, very beautiful eyes, a smile you can't miss. Have you seen...?

God. He was contemplating approaching a stranger just to inquire about you. Luckily (or was it?) for him, they must've sensed him sneaking glances at the cafe and at them, because they approached him cheerily.

"You look a little lost. Need some help?" they asked.

"Oh, it's alright. I'm just waiting for someone."

At that, they perked up.

"It wouldn't happen to be someone wearing the same colored blouse as your vest would it?"

Yes. It was. He confirmed it.

"That's perfect actually! I was just talking to them, and since you know them, do you think they would be interested in exchanging contact information with me? They were quite lovely company, and I wouldn't mind getting to know them better."

Viktor could feel his heart drop and the temperature in his soul rise several degrees. What was going on? Where were you? What had happened in those minutes that you were gone?

"I will... ask them," he attempted to keep his tone even. "Mind giving me your contact information to pass along?"

The stranger happily handed Viktor a piece of paper, their messy scrawl sending a sting of irritation through him. That penmanship was not worthy of you, and would certainly not compare to the intricate scripting of his own handwritten notes and letters to you.

When you finally rejoined him, you could tell immediately something was off. You questioned him about it, and he huffed, telling you not to worry about it as you walked home. He didn't even pay any mind to the bag that hung on your arm, too caught up in his insecurities and worries.

That stranger was so much like you. So approachable. Good conversationalist. He couldn't help but imagine a scenario of you two getting along a little too well, and that made something deep inside him hurt. Clearly, he wasn't as good as keeping his thoughts off his face as he believed, or you had simply gotten better at understanding him, because you promptly asked him again.

"Come on, Viktor. Talk to me. What's going on in that beautiful mind of yours?"

"If you knew the full extent of what I'm thinking of, you wouldn't be so quick to call my mind beautiful," he grumbled tersely.

"You can't judge my reaction for me. Spill."

He bit the inside of his cheek. Finally, he confessed. It felt like ripping out stitches from his tongue.

"... someone at the coffee shop. They asked me if I knew you, and then asked if you would be interested in their contact information."

At that, you raised an incredulous eyebrow. Ah. You were blissfully oblivious of the jarring events.

"Viktor, I promise nothing is wrong. We were both waiting for our drinks, and they happened to be making small talk with me. That's all. I love you with my whole heart, and no one else can ever--will not ever--compare."

His heart fluttered. He knew that was the realistic truth, but it was nice to hear reassurance from you anyways.

"You mean it?" he asked.

"I mean it," you said sincerely.

Setting your bags and drink on the nearby bench, you swept him into your arms and twirled him around beneath the streetlight's warm glow.

"I love you," you declared, hands holding his face tightly. Your thumb brushed against the beauty mark above his lip. "And if you ever need reminders of that, you tell me immediately. I will literally drop everything and make sure your doubt disappears completely for as long as I can hold it back."

He gazed into your eyes, his own now slightly misted. Their glossiness reflected warmth and adoration as he took in your face. Seeing the conviction there did something to him. He didn't know what, but he found himself giving in to the urge to just close the distance and kiss you right then and there, open street be damned.

It began to snow. He only realized when he parted from you, the taste of your chapstick still lingering. He looked up, watching the delicate flakes be illuminated by the warm, golden glow. If there was a visualization for the love he felt, it would be that he decided. It all just built and built from all the little things, and filled him with such life it almost hurt.

"We should go home," he whispered, looking back at you.

"Oh yeah, we should. I was going to tell you!" you gasped, running back for your drink and the bag. "They gave me extra cakes and rolls. The last ones of the specialty desserts before their next seasonal delights, so we can share them." you beamed.

"Really? That's quite generous of them."

He wasn't surprised. You were just so damn lovable. He would give you all the baked goods you desired and more, if only for another smile from you directed at him. His fingers intertwined with yours, fondness consuming him as you chatted about the different flavors of the desserts, which ones you were most excited about, and which ones you think he'd like.

He had to agree with your assessments. A dark chocolate and orange mousse did sound quite appealing for him. He already knew he'd let you have the last bite, regardless.

"Oh, and Viktor?"

"Hmm?"

"You can throw away the contact. I don't need it."

I already have you.

[nemo-writes]

𝗮𝗯𝘀𝗼𝗹𝘂𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗺𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻 I chapter five

(dr. jack abbot x nurse!reader)

⤿ chapter summary: a plan finally takes shape—strategic shifts, safer hours, and unexpected sanctuary. but even with allies circling close, doubt lingers like a shadow. control is slipping, and routine has fractured.

⤿ warning(s): none

⟡ story masterlist ; previous I next

✦ word count: 2.3k

Gloria’s office had always felt more like a boardroom than a refuge—glass‑topped side tables, perfectly aligned diplomas, and an ever‑present scent of cedar polish that warned staff not to leave coffee rings. Tonight, crowded onto the plush leather couch with your face buried in your hands, the room felt suffocating, its walls too close, the air too heavy.

You rubbed your temples, eyes closed, trying desperately to block out the whirl of voices and tension surrounding you. Too many people, too many opinions, too many variables. Your head was throbbing, exhaustion and anxiety pressing down heavily on your chest. You didn’t have the strength or energy left to speak up and say anything—let alone make a decision.

Kiara perched on your right, her shoulder barely touching yours in a silent promise: I’m here, you’re not alone.

Margot had taken a seat on one of the chairs opposite the couch, one leg crossed tightly over the other, her posture tense and anxious. She shifted restlessly every few seconds, dark eyes flashing as she glanced repeatedly at Gloria, who was pacing the floor behind her desk. The charge nurse's impatience was evident—she was a woman of action, someone who didn’t like to sit idle when trouble loomed.

Gloria, meanwhile, had been pacing for several minutes, heels clicking rhythmically across the polished wooden floor. Her short hair swayed with each sharp, deliberate step, her expression drawn tight with administrative worry. It was clear she felt cornered, stuck between the pressure of maintaining order—keeping the board and investors placated—and her genuine concern for your wellbeing. She might have been a strict bureaucrat, known for holding firm lines and pushing staff to their limits, but when it came to a crisis, you knew from experience there was nobody better in your corner.

“We need to do something,” Margot finally said, breaking the tense silence. Her voice was tight, strained with barely-contained urgency. “We can’t just sit here doing nothing.”

Gloria finally stopped pacing abruptly, turning to face her with frustration clearly etched into her features. “And what exactly do you suggest?” she challenged, voice clipped. “We don’t have enough evidence, we don’t even have a solid lead on who this stalker could be. If we move recklessly, we risk tipping them off or escalating the situation.”

Margot shook her head stubbornly, jaw tight. “But doing nothing—”

Kiara intervened gently, as if afraid to break you out of whatever fragile calm you’d managed to maintain. “Gloria’s right, Margot. If we rush this, we might miss something crucial. Or worse, put her in danger. We have to proceed carefully.”

Margot let out an exasperated breath, fingers drumming sharply on the arm of her chair as her gaze cut to Kiara and then to Gloria. “Carefully hasn’t worked so far,” she said, frustration surfacing like a crack in granite. “We can’t just keep waiting for something else to happen before we act. She’s not safe.”

“And this isn’t the first time, Gloria,” she went on, voice pitching higher with anger she’d kept corked for weeks. “Remember the break‑in scare last quarter? The suspicious vehicles that kept circling the staff lot? Robby’s been screaming about beefing up security at the ER annex and at The Pitt for ages—he’s practically blue in the face—and you keep telling him it’s ‘not the right budget cycle.’”

Gloria’s jaw twitched. “That is not what I said,” she replied, tone clipped. “I said resources had to be prioritized—”

“Prioritized?” Margot scoffed, leaning forward. “Prioritized until someone ends up hurt again? We’re flirting with that line right now, and you know it.”

Kiara, sensing the escalation, curled a gentle hand over your shoulder, grounding you with a light squeeze. “Exactly,” she soothed, voice calm but firm as she addressed both of them. “Let’s find a balanced approach. Her safety and peace of mind are the priority. Moving too aggressively could backfire, yes—but moving too slowly already has.”

“I know,” Gloria said, cutting through the tension with a commanding steadiness. “Believe me, I know. But we have to think about the big picture. Any action we take needs to be deliberate—thought‑out, not just emotionally driven. A half‑measure that blows up in our faces will leave her even more exposed.”

The discussion swirled intensely around you, a storm of conflicting opinions, but it felt distant, muffled behind your internal wall of exhaustion. Their voices felt like they were echoing from somewhere far away, bouncing off the walls of your weary mind.

Your shoulders tightened further, a painful knot settling into your chest. The urge to say something, anything, clawed at your throat, but it felt impossible. You were caught between gratitude and frustration, overwhelmed by their intensity, by their well-meaning concern that only heightened your anxiety.

Finally, unable to bear it any longer, you spoke up, voice raw and thin. “Please…just stop.”

All three women went silent immediately, their gazes snapping toward you, startled.

“I appreciate that you’re all trying to help,” you said slowly, voice trembling despite your effort at control. “But it’s all… too much. Too many voices, too many ideas, too many ways things could go wrong”

Kiara pressed closer, her expression compassionate and understanding. Margot sat back slightly, the urgency fading into quiet concern as she listened intently. Gloria stepped forward carefully, resting a hand lightly on the edge of her desk, her eyes softened with genuine sympathy.

“I just need a starting point,” Gloria finally said, half to herself, half to the room, as she skimmed a printed roster of staff schedules. “Something besides blind guesses.”

You inhaled, feeling the dry office air scrape your lungs, then set your phone on the glass coffee table with an almost ceremonial clink.

“I do have something.” Your voice sounded frayed to your own ears, but at least it held. You unlocked the screen, scrolling to a document filled with color‑coded lines. “Every unlisted call, every text from numbers I didn’t recognize—time stamps, where I was when I got it, screenshots… everything since the first message.”

Margot leaned forward, eyes wide. “You logged it all?” Her tone balanced exasperation with reluctant admiration. “Only you would catalog harassment like it’s a quarterly audit.”

You lifted a shoulder, half‑shrugging. “Control helps me breathe.”

Kiara gave your wrist a gentle squeeze. “It was smart,” she murmured. “It might be the pattern we need.”

Gloria stopped pacing, reaching out to draw the phone toward her, scrolling. “This is good. Very good.”

“But not enough,” Margot countered, her heel tapping a jittery rhythm. “We still don’t know who’s behind it.”

Gloria nodded, already switching from admiration to strategy. “Which is why we alter the equation. We move her to nights—”

Margot’s chair legs scraped the floor. “Gloria—”

“Let me finish.” Her voice cut clean. “Night shift means badge‑access points only, two roaming guards every hour, CCTV covering every blind corner. More eyes, fewer random visitors, tighter perimeter.”

Kiara’s frown deepened. “Night also means fewer coworkers around if something goes wrong.”

“Which is why she won’t be alone,” Gloria said. “First, we’re moving her out of Trauma entirely—she’ll work the overnight ER roster where security coverage is heaviest.” She glanced at you to be sure the change registered, then continued, “And once the paperwork’s filed, I’ll call Bridget and Dr. Abbott tonight to put them fully in the loop.”

Jack’s name stirred a complicated flutter in your chest. Relief tugged one way—precise and unflappable, could steady chaos with a look. But anxiety tugged the other—he would hear every tremor in your voice, read the exhaustion in your eyes, and remind you how seldom you lean on anyone. The idea soothed and stung all at once.

Kiara noticed the shift in your expression. “It’s all right,” she murmured. “Dr. Abbot will want to help—and Bridget, too.”

You nodded, though your stomach flipped as your voice shrunk. “I know. It’s just… he’ll see how bad it’s gotten.”

“Exactly why he needs to be called,” Gloria replied, her tone softening. “You shouldn’t shoulder this on your own.”

Margot cleared her throat, still bristling with protective energy. “And you’re not going back to your apartment.” She lifted a hand when you started to protest. “No argument. You’ll stay with me and Ben. We'll help you move your stuff into our spare room—you’ll be safe with us until this is over.”

The word safe settled over you like an unfamiliar quilt—soft, warm, yet almost too heavy, as though you’d forgotten how security felt on your skin. It draped across the restless parts of your mind, muffling the constant thrum of what‑ifs, though not silencing them entirely.

Beside you, Kiara’s hand slipped from your wrist to entwine gently with your fingers, her touch feather‑light yet steady. The small press of her thumb against your knuckle was a quiet reminder that standing still didn’t mean standing alone. You drew a breath—slow, unhurried for the first time in hours—and felt your shoulders melt downward, the tension loosening by inches as you squeezed back. Doubt lingered, a shadow in the corner of the room, but you didn’t push the comfort away. Not today.

“Okay,” you said, voice thin but resolute. 

Margot’s posture eased, a small, victorious smile tugging at her mouth. Gloria straightened, back to business—but with a newly visible softness.

“I’ll draft the shift change tonight,” she said, tapping her tablet. “ER overnight starts next Monday. Then I’ll make the calls.” She glanced up, holding your gaze. “You focus on resting. We’ll handle the rest.”

The room settled into a quieter rhythm—plans noted, roles assigned. Your phone vibrated once on the table: an innocuous calendar reminder that still made your heart jolt. Kiara caught your glance and reached over, silencing it before it could add to the noise.

You inhaled again, steadier this time, and the cedar‑polished air seemed just a hint easier to breathe.

. . .

The change came faster than you’d expected—yet not so fast that anyone outside your tight circle could trace the seams you'd stitched.

In just a few days, and as promised, Gloria reshuffled schedules, pulled strings with HR, approved overtime for a skeleton night‑staff surge, and filed every authorization under bland, bureaucratic codes that wouldn’t raise a single board‑member eyebrow. By the time the rumour mill caught wind of something moving on graveyard, the paperwork was already signed and the rotating rosters locked.

And Ben, of course—because Ben was now part of your daily geography.

Margot’s townhouse sat on a quiet street two neighborhoods over, a tidy brick façade with a postage‑stamp lawn and wind chimes that clinked restlessly whenever the evening storms rolled off the hills. The spare room smelled faintly of lemon detergent and paperback pages; Ben no only had personally picked up everything you wrote down from your apartment, but also cleared a whole dresser for you, laid out towels, even installed a sturdier deadbolt after Margot’s terse text: Extra security. Don’t ask, just do.

You were grateful—deeply—but still off balance.

The bed creaked differently than your own. The curtains filtered dawn light in a way that felt both soothing and wrong. You caught yourself half‑reaching for things that weren’t there: your bedside scissors, the blinking camera console you’d rigged in your apartment windows, the precise order of mugs in your cabinet. Control had slipped its leash, and you spent the first two nights drifting around the room like a ghost trying to memorize new walls.

The third morning of the new loop—a weary Friday edging toward pink sunrise—found you alone in Margot’s spare room, slippers kicked under the bed. The house was silent except for Ben’s coffeemaker sputtering two floors down and the faint tick of the hallway clock. You sat on the edge of the mattress, phone heavy in your hand. Messages with Jack were threaded there—quick roof‑top updates, clipped assurances—but never a call. Not once. Until now.

One breath. Another. Just do it.

You pressed his name.

It rang once—twice—

“Hey.” His voice was low, tentative, instantly familiar in a way that tightened your throat. You had to pinch the bridge of your nose to keep sudden tears at bay.

“Hi,” you croaked, then cleared your throat. Silence crackled; he seemed to sense you didn’t have words yet.

“Gloria briefed me,” Jack said, filling the quiet so you didn’t have to. “Bridget too. We know about the shift change, the new security plan, Ben’s shuttle service—most of it, anyway.”

You exhaled shakily. “I’m… sorry,” you whispered. “Didn’t want to add more to your load. I swear I’ll keep The Pitt running like nothing’s wrong.”

“Stop,” he murmured—not sharp, but unarguable. “You’re not a burden, and pretending nothing’s wrong is the last thing you should do. You deserve to be looked after, and I intend to do just that.”

The words hit like warm water over ice, equal parts comfort and ache. You scrubbed at your eyes. “Jack, I—I don't want you to see me like this,” you admitted, voice small.

“That’s the point,” he replied, gentle steel beneath the calm. “We treat what we see, remember?”

A fragile laugh escaped you. “Doctor logic.”

“The best kind,” he said, softer. “Tell Ben I’ll meet you ten minutes before every shift—right at the main ER doors. From tonight on, I walk you in and I walk you back out. Non‑negotiable.”

You closed your eyes, letting the promise settle like a weighted blanket. The wind chimes tinkled outside Margot’s front window, a quiet counterpoint to the thump of your heart.

“Okay,” you breathed. “Thank you.”

“Get some sleep,” Jack said. You could almost picture the measured concern on his face, the way his brow pinched when he worried. “Text me when you wake up.”

The call ended, leaving the room hushed but somehow steadier. You set the phone on the nightstand, the lemon‑clean sheets rustling as you finally slid under. Change had stolen your routines, but it had also delivered a new one—and for now, that fragile lattice was enough to rest on.

Outside, the wind shifted, carrying dusk’s chill through the chimes, but inside, you let your eyes close, the echo of Jack’s vow lingering like a quiet heartbeat in the half‑lit room.

divider credit

[minswriting]

spencer reid x fem!reader where spencer buys a circle shaped bed just because he feels like it (or reader could've mentioned it) and they have the most beautiful and passionate sex everrrr !! there could also be a mirror on the ceiling as an extra touch <3 - 🎹

NAILED IT - S.R x Reader

About: Spencer is building a circle bed in nothing but grey sweatpants. The best way to celebrate him getting a new mattress? Sex.

Warnings: NSFW, MDNI, Spencer in grey sweatpants, Spencer’s building a bed frame, post-prison Spencer, reader is so turned on, oral (m), raw sex, p in v, honestly this became self indulgent. i didn’t try too hard with this one so it may not be the greatest lol. no proof read

Word Count: 1.8K

A/N: In light of MGG’s birthday, here is a fun little one shot that is just pure thirsting over Spencer. Borders are made by @cafekitsune !! Please comment and reblog to support your creators!!

There are many positive things you can say about your relationship with Spencer. He’s loving, kind, romantic, caring, and overall the world’s most amazing boyfriend. The functionality of Spencer’s brain was one of the things you adored most about him. He was so highly intelligent that you sometimes forget that with high intelligence comes the neglect of oneself.

And Spencer was known for neglecting himself quite a bit.

Which is why the two of you complete one another. He remembers everything about you, reminding you of your appointments, keeping track of your cycle, and giving you information about topics that you need to know. He was like your own version of the encyclopedia. And you? Well, you reminded him to take care of himself, caring for him in a way that he never really thought to. You balanced one another and for that, you’re forever grateful for your relationship with Spencer.

The only thing that you wish you could change was that damn bed of his. For months, you’ve been asking him to buy a new one. He’s had the same mattress for at least fourteen years, which by the way, the norm for having a mattress is seven to ten years on average. It was a wonder how he didn’t complain about his back hurting all of the time because whenever you slept over, you always woke up sore. And not just from the physical activities you guys participated in the night before. The mattress was old, worn out, and lumpy.

You had asked him a few times to get a new mattress, claiming that he would sleep so much better. And yet, Spencer’s response was always “Yeah but I’m hardly ever home anyways. When I’m not on a case, I’m at your apartment, sweetheart,” and well, it’s not like you could argue with that logic because it was true.

Earlier in the day, Spencer had called you, asking if you wanted to come over and watch him build something. And of course, you said yes, assuming it was a puzzle of some sort and those were always so fun to do together. What you hadn’t expected when you knocked on the door, however, was a sweaty Spencer answering the door in nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants.

That’s how you found out he bought a new bed and was putting it together as you were now sitting at his desk, the chair turned to face Spencer as he concentrated on the task at hand. “Did you know,” Spencer began as he screwed in one of the screws. “that a circle bed gained popularity in the 20th century for its futuristic design?” He asked, shaking his head to get his hair out of his face.

You heard him, of course, you did, you always listen to your boyfriend. But truthfully, you were so busy gawking at the outline of his cock in the grey sweatpants to care. “Oh really?” You replied, tilting your head and biting your lip as you looked at him.

Spencer let out a slightly strained “Mhm,” as he lifted the round metal piece, connecting it to the other. “And there’s a theory that the lack of corners can promote a sense of security and relaxation,” he exclaimed.

It was hard to pay attention. Your usually nerdy boyfriend, who hated anything and everything related to physical activity, was building a whole ass bed and not just any bed, but one of the more complicated beds simply because he loved the vibes of it. God, you felt like a slut with the way your cunt was throbbing, begging to be touched.

When Spencer finally finished building the bed frame, he lugged the mattress on top of it, which by the way, looked to be quite heavy. You audibly whimpered, unable to control the noise escaping your lips as you watched the way Spencer’s muscles flexed. And when Spencer finished, he turned to look at you, noticing the way your thighs were clenched and biting your lip. It wasn’t rocket science to see that you were incredibly turned on right now.

“Are you alright?” Spencer asked, catching his breath as he stood up straight, stretching his back.

You watched the way he flexed before actively looking at his cock. “Mhm,” you said, keeping your gaze on the sweatpants. You swallowed as you thought about having his cock in your mouth. “I think you deserve a treat for your hard work,” you smirked, meeting Spencer’s gaze as you stood up from the chair and walked over to him.

Spencer hummed, grabbing your hand and pressing a kiss onto the back of it before grabbing your hips, and holding you close to him. “Yeah?” He asked, smirking back at you. “And what does this treat entail?”

You let out a tiny giggle, leaning in to gently kiss Spencer’s lips before pulling away, and going down onto your knees. Spencer’s eyebrows rose slightly but the amused smirk on his lips remained. You didn’t hesitate to kiss Spencer’s happy trail, the small bit of hair that blessed his naval area before dropping your head lower, kissing above the waistband of Spencer’s sweatpants.

“Been wanting to suck you off all day,” You breathed out, bringing your hand up to palm him through his pants, causing Spencer to gasp. “You look so good in these pants,” you licked your lips, feeling the way he hardened underneath your touch. “And the way you looked while building the bed.” Without saying anything else, you replaced your hand with your mouth, glancing up at Spencer through your lashes as you mouthed his cock through his pants.

Spencer let out a groan, looking down at you. “God, sweetheart,” He said, swallowing. “Been so needy for me all day?”

You hummed in response, hooking your fingers on the waistband of Spencer’s sweatpants. You pulled away from Spencer’s cock enough to pull his pants down, the material falling to his ankles. And this was how you found out that he hadn’t been wearing boxers this entire time. So you let out a whimper. “You knew,” You exclaimed, looking up at him to see the way he was grinning at you cheekily.

“I may have done it on purpose,” Spencer exclaimed, putting his hand on your cheek and caressing the skin. “I see the way you stare at me in these pants. I thought…why not make a show out of it today?”

“Boo, you whore,” You replied but your tone had no heat in it as you looked back at Spencer’s cock. The tip was already red and leaking precum, a signal of how he had been thinking about this all day. And who were you to deprive your amazing boyfriend of such goodness if he’d been so clearly wanting it all day?

You gripped his cock, dipping your head to lick a strip from the base to the tip, causing Spencer to hiss in pleasure. You swirl your tongue around the tip, licking the slit of his tip a few times, before easing your mouth onto his length. You made it about halfway before stopping, moving your head back up.

Your movements were slow at first, almost teasing. Spencer let out a low moan, closing his eyes as he threw his head back, facing up at the ceiling. “Sweetheart,” he murmured, licking his lips as he focused back on you again. His hand went to your hair, entangling his fingers into the strands.

You got into a rhythm, moving your head faster up and down Spencer’s length as your hand began stroking whatever didn’t fit in your mouth. Spencer moaned loudly, watching you with a look of pleasure. “Feels so good, baby,” he groaned, unable to help the subtle movement of his hips as he thrusted into your mouth gently.

You hummed around Spencer’s cock, causing him to whimper from the vibrations. You could tell he was close with the way his cock was stiffening. And when you expected him to finish in your mouth, Spencer pulled away, removing his cock from your mouth, leaving a trail of saliva. You looked up at him with a confused look. “What-“ You began.

“I’m going to fuck you,” Spencer breathed out, grabbing your hands and helping you stand up. “Want to feel your pussy around my cock. Is that okay, baby?”

You certainly weren’t going to say no. Which is how you ended up christening the new bed with your head buried in the mattress and ass in the air as Spencer pounded into your pussy from behind mercilessly. His thrusts were hard and fast, showing how desperately he had truly craved you. “O-oh my god,” you moaned into the mattress.

Completely unrelated to sex, the new bed was really comfortable and you’ll probably sleep so well tonight.

“You’re so wet, sweetheart, holy shit,” Spencer groaned as his cock moved in and out of you.

The feeling of Spencer’s length inside of you was heavenly, to say the least. After spending the day watching Spencer shirtless and in grey sweatpants, it was needed. And thank god, you were on birth control because you did not bother looking for a condom.

“Feels so good, Spence,” you whined, gripping the mattress below you. Thank god Spencer hadn’t bothered to make the bed yet because otherwise, the sheets would be ruined from your sweat and juices.

“Yeah?” Spencer asked, thrusting particularly harsh, his cock hitting your g-spot.

You let out a very loud moan, one ranging towards nearly pornographic. Your eyes practically rolled back into your skull as Spencer pounded into you. The bedroom was filled with the sound of your moans mixed with the slapping of skin and the squelching of your pussy. “I-I love it so much,” you whimpered out.

Spencer hummed in response, gripping your hips tighter. “Me too, sweetheart,” he moaned.

You could feel yourself getting close with the way Spencer’s cock kept grazing your sweet spot. And with how Spencer’s pace began to be more frantic, you knew he was close as well. It wasn’t long before you were clamping down on his length, letting out a choked-moan before saying his name repeatedly as your toes curled with the most mind-blowing orgasm you have had in a while. Spencer followed suit, burying himself deep inside of you as he came, holding you tightly as he whined your name.

When you both finished, Spencer pulled out, collapsing on the new mattress right next to you. The two of you were silent for a bit, catching your breath. You rolled onto your back, looking up at the ceiling.

And after a bit of quiet, Spencer decided to break the silence. “You know, circle beds allow for more flexible sleeping positions,” he said, glancing over at you. “I’m sure that applies to sex as well.”

“Spencer, is this your way of saying you want round two?” You asked, giving your boyfriend an amused smile.

He grinned cheekily at you, nodding his head before moving himself on top of you. “Do you want to test it out?”

So of course you said yes and the rest of the day had been spent trying many different positions on the new bed. It was safe to say that sleepovers at Spencer’s apartment became more frequent.

[enwoso]

Possibly leah can propose to alessia, and get lovie involved or leah moves in permanently and lovie only wants to sleep with them. Hope the writers block goes away

sleep scares | alessia russo x leah williamson x child!reader

i’m back! well sort of-

just a quick lil something as i feel as though i’ve lowkey forgotten about yall. but i promise it’s with good reason, life’s been busy and i’m on holiday rn but im hoping when i get home i can get back to normal and start to get some more fic/blurbs out for you all🙃

grumpy masterlist

as a baby and as you grew that little bit older, alessia could generally say she had been quite lucky with how easy it was for you to get to sleep.

she had never really had any issues with you waking up during the night — of course there had been the odd occasion when you’d been poorly but other than that, you liked sleeping in your own bed.

however, ever since your little mind had discovered the secret of your mummy and leah and the fact they were more than friends. your bed and room wasn’t as comfy and cool anymore. you instead now wanted to be in your mummy’s bed watching whatever silly adult show was showing on the tv sneaking a few sweets which you really shouldn’t be having after brushing your teeth.

this cycle had occurred more often when leah was staying the night, “how long do you think it’ll be until lovie’s wondering through the door?” alessia whispered as the two were lying tangled together in bed, the only light coming from the tv which was on a low hum.

“hm i’d give it at least thirty minutes” leah rasped out as she ran a hand through alessia’s hair, alessia humming in response, sinking deeper into leah’s arms.

the two knew that there time together wouldn’t last long until you were tip toeing sleepily into the room with your elephant under your arm as your eyes were filled with sleep.

alessia and leah had dosed off, the tv playing adverts as the door creeped open. you tip toeing so lightly, as you climbed into the bed from the bottom. sinking yourself inbetween the two.

alessia feeling the movement, as her eyes opened slightly. “lovie? what you doing?” your mummy questioned as she sleepily yawned, moving a little from leah’s warmth. you sat in the middle of the bed on your knees, a sleepy look on your face.

“can’t sleep, there noises in my room” you pouted as your shoulders sunk down. a flash of worry came across alessia’s face as her brow furrowed downwards slightly.

“what do you mean noises?” alessia asked as she sat up, her back resting against the headboard of her bed reaching over to turn on the side lamp. moving with much caution hoping not to wake the sleeping blonde beside her. knowing the grumpy mood she would wake in if she was woken up from her slumber.

are you sure it’s not just the wind?” alessia pushed more knowing sometimes the sound of the wind can sometimes make some scary noises.

you shrugged, a small yawn falling from your lips. “i sleep in here” you cutely asked, your eyes forming a pleading look as a small sigh came from your mummy’s lips.

“do you not want mummy to come and lie in your bed with you?” she asked, hopeful that would be the best solution. but you shook your head, the bed slightly shaking as you did so.

alessia surrendering as she whispered out a yes, not wanting the hassle of trying to coax you back into your own bed as admittedly she just wanted to get back to sleep herself.

your mummy moving slightly to make a small gap in the bed for you to lie in as a small smug smile of victory flashed across your lips as you flopped into bed. your mummy placing a kiss to your cheek as she whispered good night in your ear, circling small shapes on your back.

it didn’t take long for you to fall asleep as your chest started to rise slower indicating you had fell asleep, alessia still tracing shapes on your back as she noticed leah starting to move around.

leah’s eyes opening for a split second before they closed but even through the darkness alessia never missed the small smile which was on her lips.

“at least it was longer than the thirty minutes we thought” leah whispered out as a quiet chuckle left alessia’s lips.

[rabotimagines]

Request for G1 Perceptor smut for @legendarycherryblossomlove

"Interest" GN BOT Reader x Perceptor

Summary: You tell your conjunx to keep info dumping while you keep your servos busy.

Genre/Theme: Smut scenario 🔞

Warnings: Semi public sex, Handjobs, MDNI

Pronouns: You, Your, Yours

Notes: Reader harasses their conjunx (Perceptor) just a bit

"Ah- it's good to see you this time of day." Perceptor smiled when you made your way into the group laboratory.

You come over to where he was working and leaned over his pauldron to stare at his petri dishes. Your frame gently pressing against his back, and your arms wrapping around him. Perceptor lets himself lean back against you, very much enjoying the soft touch of your affections. "I'm seeing how these samples react to our different solvents. So we can see what our approach towards cleaning different obstructions should be inclined towards."

Your servos had begun to idly trace the dips of his armor.

Your digits left soft warmth as they trailed along the lines that made up his boxy frame. "Of course, we can naturally use the information in case someone gets a bit of some natural material stuck in their struts. Or any of the other small areas that may be difficult to brush out the natural way. Like between the plating seams of your armor."

Your servos found his waist and moved to trace shapes on Perceptor's hips. "So if we simply figure out what solvents work the best, I'd like to craft a sort of spray nozzle that can cycle through the different solvents. For whenever one of us mechs gets unlucky and will need to be thoroughly clean- mph!" Perceptor abruptly jolts at the quick zap of light arousal, nearly biting down on his own glossia.

Perceptor hadn't realized your servos had trailed towards his modesty panel till you'd rubbed firmly against it. "Oh- What-?" You just tell Perceptor to keep talking. Your servos are now dragging along the dips and curves of his modesty panel.

"Oh... um, well yes-" Perceptor resets his vocalizor, his attention now drawn to how your servos and digits would trace the make up of his covered array. "So- to um, make a proper prototype, I need to test all the samples against all the solvents. And... as I stated, see which ones work the best against the other-" Perceptor's voice clips when you rub firmly against the flat of his modesty panel. Heat already circling boldly in his own array under the rather teasing act.

You were in the collective laboratory! Primus-! Anyone could rightfully just walk in on you two! Wheeljack could walk in behind the both of you, and you'd have no warning for it either!

Your frame presses flat against his back, and Perceptor's posture straightens out even more than it had been. Perceptor wordlessly watches your digits hook against the flat of his Modesty panel- heat swimming and pooling against his pelvis the longer you continued to tantalizingly grope at his covered array.

You ask him to open up, and Perceptor has to swallow the extra oral lubricant accumulating in his mouth.

.... Wheeljack wouldn't be too mad if he happened to stumble upon you two.

(At least Peceptor hoped he wouldn't-)

Perceptor's modesty panel pulls back, and his spike slowly pressurizes while you rub circles around his hips. You tell him to keep talking again when you cup his spike. Perceptor gasps and rushes to find his thoughts once more. "And it's quite fascinating that most the solvents don't have Ha-!" Your servo languidly begun stroking his spike. Perceptor's frame touches the front of the table edge, and he moves to grip it for stability.

"Most- most the solvents don't have a visible- a valid visible affect on the samples- ah, but when they sit soaked in them... they usually all seem to practically fall off the sample armor-" You grind your still closed modesty panel against Perceptor's aft, and he gasps.

Then you stopped moving when Perceptor had taken a klick to focus on venting.

Keep talking, you tell him once more.

Perceptor huffs before taking a moment to find his thoughts. His glossia sits heavy in his mouth. The last point he'd made of the experiment was much further from his processor than a few nano-klicks of silence.

But he did eventually find it again. "And- only one of the solvents-" Your servo speeds up, causing his pre lubricant to slick the inside your servo and begins to make an audible sound every time you'd pump your fist. "Hmph! Only one- one of the solvents has actually shown to- oh dear-!" Perceptors thighs pitch inward, and he leans against the table further.

You begin to slow when Perceptor stops and Perceptor rapidly moves his mouth to rectify that "One- One of the solvents has actually shown to break down the-" Perceptor grunts and moans when your other servo grabs onto the indent of his front chassis glass. And you physically used it as a hold to pull him back against your own frame. While you rocked your hips forward again against him.

"Break- break down all of the samples I have available on- oh Primus! On the sample armor!" You hum casually against him as if you were actually finding his findings intriguing and not- Perceptor pants and sighs leaning back against your also heated frame. You just rock against him harsh enough that he's practically forced to buck into your servo. Your servo dragging his own spike oh so hotly- Perceptor's own pleasure begins to bump up a level higher every time you pump his spike.

And you ask him how he's going to make the spray nozzle.

Perceptor can barely recall his plans for the spray nozzle, but he attempts to start explaining regardless, "I'm going to- Gha!" Your servo picks up, and any coherent thought relating to his findings gets pushed right out of Perceptor's processor. "I'm going to-!"  His hips buck against your servo, making more of his pre lubricant coat your servo. Your servo hooked on his chassis glass squeezes tighter and you use your hold to firmly tip his frame back against your own even further. You hold him against you when Perceptor started overloading onto the table.

Your designation ends up tumbling out of his mouth with a gasp. His overload hits him, and he's moaning against you and gasping for vents while you just continue to jerk his spike through his own high. "Oh- dear- oh Primus!" Perceptor mutters and arches against your frame and hold. His pedes twist against their placement on the ground, and his digit pads rank over the tables edge. His overload coursed through his frame with a pressing need, and Perceptor was unable to deny it the heady satisfaction.

Perceptor relaxes when his spike stops throbbing and charges stop shooting through his plating. "Primus." Perceptor pants and readjusts his grip on the tables edge to stand correctly once more. You hum and thank him for keeping up with your interest.

Perceptor can't help chuckling  "Yes well- now the price of your interest is you're going to have to get me a new sample of beach sand." Perceptor states before picking up the petri dish with the now ruined sample of sand to show you.

Ruined by his transfluid.

You sigh at the sight and say you'll go. And untangle yourself from Perceptor very obviously not excited by the task.

Perceptor supposed he could indulge his perverted conjunx just a touch more...

"I'll reward you when you get back if you do it quick enough." You perk up at Perceptor's words and make a dash for the door, saying you'll be back before he knows it.

Perceptor smiles, watching you rush for the door- only to jump when you barrel directly into Wheeljack, who was about to enter. Promptly sending the two of you tumbling down in the hallway. The laboratory door automatically shuts behind you both.

Oh dear- Perceptor moved to go help only to remember what you'd just done. His optics brighten, and instead, Perceptor subspaces his ruined sample and grabs a lab cloth to wipe the mess left on the table. He then makes sure he's modest before he goes to help you off of Wheeljack.

What was he going to do with you?

[mydearestbeloved]

Chapter 10 [Draft]

Sung Jinwoo/Trial Player!Reader

CW:

Inspired by @circeyoru ‘s “Future Power Couple”

[Masterlist🦋✨️]

You paced around your domain, anxious thoughts swirling in your mind. Despite your butterflies’ best efforts to calm you, the mounting concern for what lay ahead in the Demon Castle wouldn’t ease. Jinwoo was strong—very strong—but the risk of becoming a burden weighed heavily on you.

Your mana stones were a reliable aid, but they wouldn't be enough to match the challenges ahead. The image of the castle lingered in your mind, pulling at fragmented memories of the manhwa. Something about it… contaminated mana. Yes, that was it. Inhabitants brimming with corrupted energy—but if mana was plentiful, maybe you could use that to your advantage.

A thought began to take shape: you needed a system that could function as a self-sustaining cycle, requiring minimal upkeep from your own reserves. Contaminated or not, the mana saturating the castle’s demons and undeads could potentially fuel a process to debuff them, slowing their movement and stamina so that your butterflies could use and drain them more easily.

A medium, you thought. Then, a cool breeze shifted your attention toward the garden outside your window, where flowers bloomed in quiet elegance. Plants were efficient—absorbing carbon dioxide, converting it to oxygen—a near-perfect cycle. Perhaps you could craft something similar, a way to absorb the ambient mana and use it to sustain a field spell. If you could channel contaminated mana into a converting field, your butterflies would be able to drain the demons’ energy at a manageable rate and use them after. It would also mean that they could function without constant energy input from you.

Yet, this method came with challenges. It would take time for your butterflies to fully drain each demon. The Demon Castle’s floors were likely to hold innumerable enemies, which meant progress would be slower and more methodical.

The enchanted field also would require high maintenance. As long as you focused on supporting Jinwoo and his shadows, you’d be able to manage the upkeep; but any direct offense from you would divide your attention, weakening the field’s effect. You could already feel the strain it might put on your mana reserves, especially considering the higher floors.

The real concern, however, was the contamination itself. Without a beast or specimen to experiment on, you were left to speculate. The effect of corrupted mana could potentially be as dangerous as a poison spreading through the flowers’ roots, disrupting the delicate balance of energy that made your powers work. You made a mental note to craft a few protective charms in case things turned toxic.

Your butterflies circled back around you, their light flitting movements a quiet reminder of what you had to prepare. The risks were there, yes, but with proper caution, this plan could help Jinwoo conserve his energy for the battles that mattered most.

You stilled your pacing at last, glancing toward the enchanted blooms. “It’s a gamble,” you murmured, brushing a fingertip over a petal. They’d form the basis of your spell, a network that could repurpose the demon’s energy.

Placing a hand over one bloom, you murmured an incantation, feeling mana pulse from your fingertips into the petals. The flower’s color lightened, and you sensed a faint but steady flow of power within it, pulsing in a rhythm that matched your own heartbeat.

“But with this, maybe we’ll stand a better chance.”

---

The sound of your knuckles tapping against Jinwoo’s apartment door echoed faintly in the quiet hallway. You shifted from foot to foot, mentally running through the negotiation tactics you planned to use. The stakes were high; you knew that the system would pull every trick in its arsenal to complicate your upcoming mission in the Demon Castle. A single week wasn’t going to cut it, no matter how confident Jinwoo was.

The door opened, revealing Jinwoo’s familiar figure. He leaned against the doorframe, raising an eyebrow at you. “(Name)? This is unexpected.”

“Got a minute?” you asked with a casual smile, slipping past him into the apartment before he could refuse. Jinwoo sighed but didn’t protest, closing the door behind you.

“Alright,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest, “what’s this about?”

You turned to face him, your expression serious. You needed to convince him, no matter what. “We need more time for the Demon Castle raid. One week isn’t enough. I’m thinking… a week and a half, at least. Maybe two.”

Jinwoo blinked, his brows furrowing. “Two weeks? Are you trying to turn this into a vacation?” His tone was light, but his eyes remained cautious. He clearly wasn’t on board with your suggestion yet. “That’s overkill. I’m confident we can clear it in less.”

“Hey, if I wanted a vacation, I’d pick somewhere with sunshine and no murderous demons,” you quipped. In fact, locking yourself in your domain for a few weeks sounded like the perfect vacation actually. Jinwoo had been dragging you to his supposedly solo raids almost daily recently.

Your expression sobered. “I don’t doubt your strength, Jinwoo. But the system’s not going to make it that simple. You know it loves to pull unexpected stunts. A little extra time gives us room to adjust our strategies.”

His eyes searched yours, looking for the hidden meaning behind your words. You could tell he was trying to figure out why you were so insistent. “And what are you not telling me?” he asked softly, his voice losing its edge. “You know something, don’t you?”

“…”

He sighed. “I’ve handled everything it’s thrown at me so far. Why would this be any different?”

Ah, you were prepared for that. Time to employ the sub-skill you'd honed through your many encounters with stubborn enemies while trying to test out your <Language> skill. Your <Communication> was maxed out, after all—if you couldn’t haggle a bit of extra time out of Jinwoo, what good was it? You sighed dramatically, putting on your best negotiating face.

“Alright, let’s break it down,” you said, raising four fingers to count off your points. “One: we don’t know how deep the dungeon goes. Two: if the system decides to change the conditions mid-quest, we’re screwed if we’re on a tight schedule. And three: wouldn’t you rather be over-prepared than scrambling at the last minute?”

Jinwoo’s eyes narrowed. “And what’s point four?”

“Point four,” you said with a sly smile, leaning in closer, “is that I’m not taking ‘no’ for an answer.”

There was a moment of silence, and then Jinwoo let out a reluctant chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck. “You’re really something, you know that?”

“I’m persistent,” you corrected, your smile widening. “So, are we good with extending the trip to a week and a half?”

After a long, tense pause, Jinwoo’s posture relaxed slightly, his sigh one of reluctant acceptance. “Fine. A week and a half, but that’s it. No more extensions,” he agreed, though there was a hint of curiosity in his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re hiding, but I’ll trust you—for now.”

“—And if we end up with too much downtime, you owe me.”

“Deal,” you replied, your eyes twinkling. The system might have its tricks, but you had your own ways of leveling the playing field—like charming one particularly stubborn Hunter into giving you more time.

---

Jinah popped her head around the corner, watching the negotiation unfold while still staying hidden enough. Though she’d been quietly ‘eavesdropping’, she couldn’t catch all the exact words of the conversation, only murmurs. She really wanted to get closer, but it was hard when your brother’s senses recently amped up, it was like he gained eyes in the back of his head or something.

Despite being exempt from the details, she was thoroughly entertained by the seemingly back-and-forth and the faces Jinwoo made throughout. In fact, she felt like she’d be missing out if she didn’t witness firsthand how easily you could sway her usually stubborn brother.

If she were any less polite, she might have grabbed a bowl of popcorn.

Her curiosity only grew once she found out Jinwoo would be spending the next week and a half with you. Her mind buzzed with questions she planned to bombard him with once you left, and she was already grinning at the thought. But she stayed quiet, content for now with the food and books you'd brought her—a thoughtful mix tailored to her interest in medicine, showing how considerate of a person you were. That alone sealed you in Jinah’s good graces.

The food was heavenly too, and a bit familiar, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. Where had she tasted something like this before?

You even promised to bring her a souvenir as you said your goodbyes.

When you finally departed, Jinwoo saw a bright-eyed Jinah looking up at him with a smirk that spelled trouble. The glint in her eyes that told Jinwoo he was in for another barrage.

In her mind, you were flawless. Her brother, however, was a prime candidate for interrogation.

---

If Jinwoo had a nickel every time he ended up in this situation because of his recent plans with you, he’d have… well, not a fortune. But two nickels was still enough to be memorable and bizarre, especially considering how it had happened back-to-back.

First, there was Jinho. Jinho was on his third glass of soju, and the flush in his cheeks was evidence enough that he was already tipsy. As Jinwoo mentioned he’d be out of contact for a while—and that you'd be going with him—Jinho’s reaction was instant. His eyes widened dramatically, the implications of the words clearly firing off into a direction Jinwoo had not anticipated.

“Hyung, you and Noona… are you two… eloping?”

Jinwoo nearly choked on his drink, coughing as he tried to process the absurdity of Jinho’s statement. “You’re really something else, you know that?”

He tried to wave Jinho off, chalking it up to too much soju or an overactive imagination. But Jinho wasn’t having it. “Oh, come on, Hyung. Don’t be shy! If you’ve made up your mind, I’ll support you. Just let me be your best man, alright?” Jinwoo had to practically pry himself away from his friend, stars were practically dancing in Jinho’s eyes.

Jinwoo sighed, rubbing his temples. “Jinho, it’s not like that at all,” he insisted, but it was no use. Jinho had already convinced himself otherwise and was now too invested in his new theory. And after another round of drinks, Jinwoo gave up trying to explain, hoping Jinho would pass out before he could push further.

And that was just the beginning.

Jinah was the next obstacle. As soon as you left his apartment, Jinwoo turned back, only to find her waiting in the hallway with an expression that said she’d been planning her line of questioning since the moment you arrived. She crossed her arms, a knowing glint in her eye, and Jinwoo had the uncomfortable realization that his sister had inherited their mother’s tenacity when it came to digging for details.

“So,” she started, voice heavy with implication, “a week and a half, alone, with (Name), huh?”

Jinwoo groaned inwardly. “We need the extra time. It’s just to be safe.”

Jinah wasn’t buying it. “Uh-huh. Sure. And I’m the Queen of England,” she replied with a dramatic roll of her eyes. “You’re taking her on a long trip, away from everyone else. You’re basically taking her on a getaway, right?”

He sighed, knowing his sister well enough to recognize that trying to brush this off would only invite more questions. “Jinah, it’s… it’s a dungeon raid. There’s nothing more to it than that.”

But his sister was relentless. “Oh, really? A whole week and a half, though?” Her eyebrow lifted, her smirk only growing wider. “I mean, it’s not every day that you disappear off-grid with someone. Have you… told her how you feel yet?”

Jinwoo, ever patient, felt his patience tested. “There’s nothing to tell, Jinah.”

Jinwoo tried to dodge it, giving her vague, simple answers. But Jinah, ever the sharp one, was unrelenting. She started throwing pointed questions his way, and each one felt like another barrier crumbling under her tenacity. She asked him everything. Every. Single. Damn. Thing. Her smirk grew with every evasion and half-answer Jinwoo gave, as if each word was confirming all her suspicions.

“Alright, alright,” she said in a tone that clearly indicated she wasn’t done. “But should I be prepping a maid-of-honor speech? Or maybe I should look into flower arrangements. Ooh, would it be butterflies or roses? Maybe both?”

By the time her questioning tapered off, Jinwoo felt as though he’d waded through a mental dungeon, one even his high stats couldn’t have prepared him for. Jinah’s grin was wide and smug as he escaped to his room, but he knew it wasn’t over. She'd keep this interrogation up the minute he returned.

But in true Jinah fashion, her smile softened at the end, clearly pleased with Jinwoo’s flustered state, an answer she didn’t need to hear but could now safely assume for herself.

---

Yet that wasn't the strangest part. Because now, Jinwoo was left alone with his own thoughts... and for once, they were nearly as relentless as Jinho and Jinah combined.

As he was going through his inventory to ensure they had all the supplies they would need before the dungeon, he was hit with a vision so vivid it stopped him in his tracks.

You were standing in a grand hall, under soft candlelight, wearing a wedding dress, though it wasn't quite the traditional white. In his mind's eye, the gown was two-toned, an elegant mix of black and white. While the white gleamed like moonlight filtering through mist, the black somehow mirroring the shifting tendrils of his shadows.

Jinwoo could see it all too clearly: the way the shadows would curl protectively around you, as if even they had accepted you.

Butterflies, your butterflies, danced around you, forming a veil that draped over your shoulders. Their delicate wings catching the light, creating a mystical aura around you that contrasted beautifully with the darkness of the gown.

In your hands, you held a bouquet of red spider lilies. The sight of the crimson flowers sent a pang through Jinwoo’s chest, evoking memories of his countless near-death experiences. The spider lilies symbolized his rebirth, the way he had clawed his way back from the brink time and time again. He’d been “reborn” when he received the system, and because of that—

Jinwoo’s heart skipped a beat as he watched the scene unfold in his mind. So clear, so tangible, that it left him breathless.

—he was able to meet you.

His face flush hot, and he rubbed the back of his neck, frustrated. How had his mind gotten there of all places?

And as he forced himself to refocus, he decided to treat the image as nothing more than a momentary lapse.

But when he finally met you on the day of the mission, the scene in his mind surged back as soon as he saw you. It didn’t help that you looked so composed and determined, your butterflies floating around you in their usual silent watchfulness. One of them—one of the red ones, the ones that somehow seemed to reflect your calmest self—drifted down and landed delicately on your eyelashes.

Your eyes closed softly at the butterfly’s touch, a serene look spreading across your face as if in meditation, and for a second, Jinwoo could almost see the veil around you, framing your face in soft lace. The entire image from his mind threatened to come to life, and he felt the flush rising to his neck and ears.

You noticed his silence, your brows drawing together as you asked, “Are you all right? You look a little… flushed?”

Jinwoo cleared his throat, looking anywhere but directly at you. “It’s nothing,” he managed, though even he knew how unconvincing he sounded. But you only tilted your head, curiosity lingering in your eyes, genuine.

Not for the first time, he was thankful you couldn’t exactly read his thoughts, despite how you seemingly know him too well.

 “Let’s just… focus on the dungeon.”

---

You knew the system would pull something like this the moment it let you into the Demon Castle without a barrier. Still, a vein practically popped as you glared at the quest interface floating before you.

‘Jinwoo was supposed to collect 10,000 demon souls, not 20,000!’ Your gaze narrowed, watching Jinwoo swiftly clearing out the first waves of demons. His level was clearly way above the demons on these early floors, but that didn’t mean you weren’t annoyed.

Of course, the system had doubled the soul requirement. And just when your powers were at a disadvantage, too, thanks to the demon-and-undead-ridden environment. You took a deep breath, forcing yourself to stay calm. Now wasn’t the time to get too frustrated. ‘At least I prepared for this... It’s a good thing I had Jinwoo agree to extend this run to a week and a half instead of one.’

With a thought, you brought up your inventory, mentally ticking off your supplies: plenty of food, and lots of mana gems you’d crafted in advance. If the system counted any kills you made as Jinwoo’s, you might as well help thin out the weaker hordes so he could save his strength for the higher floors. With a flick of your finger, you dispatched a sneaky demon behind you, your butterflies swooping in to devour its remnants.

You stepped forward, catching Jinwoo’s attention. “Save your energy for the tougher enemies on the higher floors,” you advised. “I want to try something.”

With that, you began to chant, letting your power seep into the ground. Glowing flowers bloomed in your wake, their petals pulsating in unison, creating rippling shockwaves that staggered the demons nearby. Your butterflies took the cue, flitting from demon to flower and back, draining each one with methodical precision.

Your powers thrived on life force, sure—but they didn’t stop there. Demons and undead were reservoirs of condensed mana, enough to fuel your abilities even in this dark domain.

“I figure the lower floors’ demons should be weak enough for me to handle with my own powers,” you explained, keeping your focus on sustaining the field. “It might be slower, but my butterflies can still devour them, even if they’re undead.”

You offered Jinwoo a graceful curtsy, a fond smile playing on your lips. “So, I’ll be in your care for now, Jinwoo. Shall we ascend?”

Jinwoo was just about to extend a hand to help you up onto the ice bear he’d summoned—ready to barrel through the demons like a living tank—but found you already floating beside him, butterflies swirling around you like a graceful aura.

“Try to keep up,” you teased, zooming past with a grin.

The ice bear, as if inspired by your daring, charged into the horde with Jinwoo on its back. He blinked in surprise before breaking into a determined grin, chuckling under his breath.

“Alright, Tank,” he murmured, naming the bear on the spot, “let’s catch up.”

End Note:

Unfinished Draft of [25/10/2024] -

Alright, this is the last decent draft I can post for now. This might seem rushed because it is the latest draft, you've been warned.

I'm not gonna post chapters like this for few months now. Though, I'll still answer short asks and comments. <3

Last Edited: [14/11/2024]

Okay, I was exaggerating when I wrote those end notes. I am taking a break, but not for months. I'll still update drafts and or post something with few days of rest in between. I just don't have a fixed schedule.

[taegularities]

candles & flames: breeze | jjk (m)

(final) bonus chapter III: breeze

Summary: One day an end might near – but never with him.

➳ pairing: Jungkook x reader ➳ rating: 18+ ➳ genre: established relationship, royal!au; angst!!, fluff, smut ➳ warnings: mmmkay, they are at a weird place, but love each other so much; insecurities and sadness, jk grovels a lot, jihyo/illegitimate child mention, tears and overthinking, their kids <3, fears, abandonment issues, dad!jk, brief mention of a past death, yearning, an event, manyyy memories and references to the other parts, mention of post-sex memories, orphanage!!, kissing in the rain, jihyo sigh, oc makes him better fr </3 the ending bc that's what this chapter is </3 ➳ wc: 19.6k ➳ a/n: ah yes, the end of an era :') not sure if it was due to this being the definitive finale or just them in general, but i cried a lot, once again. thank you for giving them the amount of love that you did. i hope you like this one <3 ALSO, listen to the playlist, trust me!! ➳ a/n2: this is a bonus chapter for my mini-series candles & flames. reading the rest of the story helps!! find the mpost below <3 and the collaborative playlist here!

SERIES MASTERPOST | TAGLIST MASTERLIST | WIPs

It’s interesting how a routine turns every night into the same returning experience.

Somewhat soulless, people awake in the morning, treading through their days and hours to fall back into the deep slumber that their bodies so desperately beg for. Back into the peace from the moment that the sky reveals its stars and its moon.

Then, the cycle repeats: cracking up their eyes at the same dawn or noon as the day before, or when the sun sits at its highest point, greeting and smiling, or hidden.

For you, it’s been different.

The nights always shift their personality, and the mornings unravel yet another unfelt, unseen emotion. Love, then longing, then misery, then near paralysis. Numbness. 

You don’t recall ever having been much of a victim to fate; you consider yourself more or less lucky, born under just the right constellation. But something about the odd way your mind has been circling around its own axis for a while now doesn’t feel natural.

An indicator of something bad, and you know. You know the phenomenon and know the reason and know the pain it accompanies.

With the nights, the seasons change, too. The more time passes, the warmer it gets. The cold has left. Left the shivers behind; left your head hanging. The dark and grey clouds floating above have vanished for the most part, clearing like a mist to boast the sky’s beauty.

You love the view. You love how rays of sunshine fall into your room like giving it a halo, golden and warm.

But above all, you have changed the most. In every shape and form, you’re somebody entirely new. As if you’re pottery, forged into something solid before smashed flat again. Inconsistently moving up and down, building and crashing, to the better and worse.

Healing isn’t linear, you have realised. You have known; you have seen it on him before, too. Sometimes, you do ponder whether you’re overreacting. Whether you’re supposed to move on the way so many other women do when their husbands come home late.

But no.

Your husband did not come home late.

You were the one who was late.

He never did you wrong; he didn’t intend to hurt you, did he? And thinking about it realistically: not a soul in this world summons even a fragment of the life you breathe into him. Nobody comes into any close proximity of who you are in his eyes and in his heart and in his mind.

But the pain never subsides so easily. What a shame, though. Your sister always appeases you by insisting that you have every right to hurt; that envy can be part of a deeply-feeling empath, and that love elicits these emotions naturally.

That one day, it’ll get better. That for now, you’re allowed to hate people, and allowed to hate him.

But you don’t. You do not hate him. You guess if you did, it would hurt much less.

It would hurt less to stand in the bit of sun shining through the window, letting it prick your skin. It would ache less to sleep next to him every night; to get up and leave at times, wandering the lonely mansion, just so his touch doesn’t stun your body or keep you awake.

Sometimes, you turn to see him awake, too, tossing and turning. Lifting his lids to meet your eyes wordlessly, at times with the smallest, weakest of smiles.

And it would pain less — stepping over the threshold, silken robe draped around you, and into the spacious room downstairs. It’s brighter than the corridor; the latter would’ve been quieter, darker, but certainly more depressing, too. Colder. 

You can’t just roam around there. Weird, though — who knows what dragged you back into this room of all, right where you first broke down; where your perspective changed.

It’s often the same; you tend to land here, as if to relive the moment and to convince yourself that it wasn’t as bad as you make it out to be. Or that it was, but that you need to look past it. You promised Jungkook to work on this, to not give up.

Told yourself that distance hurts more than closeness.

And it does. If you were to pack your bags and leave again, you might not be able to come out of the pitch black void again. At least he’s here; where you are.

You and me, in every damn life.

But you’re in a loop. Still right there, in this heart of his, but so forlorn, too. Always the same shit. If she hadn’t come, life would pain less. If you hadn’t been here, life would hurt less. If, if, if…

If you didn’t love him, you could look him in the eyes. If you didn’t love him, you’d care less. But you do. And you’re tortured by the fact that he constantly seeks your gaze. All the time.

Even now.

Right now, as he stands near the dead chimney, staring up to you from whatever document he was reading. You don’t have it in you to meet the dark brown eyes beseeching you to forgive. Sometimes, you do — in a moment of strength, you do.

But not right now.

And you guess you have forgiven him. You converse with him; but the change is palpable, just like the weather is.

From afar, you watch a smile appear on his still-gorgeous face, though a bit more sunken since last fall. His steps are timid when he nears you, and you mimic, walking towards the man whose arms you so desperately seek.

“Good morning,” he greets, and you answer in kind before he adds, “You still look tired. Do you need to sleep more? I don’t mind, I have a bit of time to take care of—”

“Oh, no, no,” you reassure, coming to a stand in front of him. Your fingers twitch to reach out, but your mind refuses; you hate this constant occurrence. “I feel fine, actually. And Hana will get up soon as well.”

“If you are certain.” Jungkook nods; then rolls his eyes again, more in a manner of amusement and sarcasm than annoyance. “That girl runs to her pony so fast these days that she barely ever acknowledges us anymore. So not a lot to do there for us.”

You chuckle a little. “Isn’t that right?” You observe as his head tilts just slightly; a gesture you well associate with affection. “What about you? You are awake early, too.”

A shrug of a shoulder as a response, no word uttered. He blinks once, just slowly, before his hand surrenders to the urge yours suppressed — and moves up, up towards your face. It happens in slow motion, an unnatural pace to it; but a moment later, you feel the touch.

A palm cradling your face. A familiar, somewhat ancient feeling. Known yet so estranged these days.

You close your eyes. Take in the warmth. Let the delusional relief wash over you for a second. And you feel better; much better when he presses in a tiny bit. You forget the pain still lingering.

Every fibre of you yearns to jump into his arms and to remain right there. To inhale his scent, to feel his lips in your hair, to feel the longing in his touch. And he would succumb to each sensation within a moment, a walking white flag, waiting for you to bring him to his knees.

He has been craving every bit of you in every little way, and you know. You know because you have been, too. But whenever his parted lips linger on your burning cheek, perfectly rosy and inviting and as beautiful as ever, or his thumb grazes your trembling chin, you just…

You trap yourself in this cramped cage of your own miserable thoughts; questions arise.

Such as—

Did he touch her like this, too? What did her skin on his feel like? And did he look at her with the same glint dancing in his dark gems? The same hooded gaze, pining and erasing every other thought, so incredibly desperate; like your own eyes offer oxygen for another day? 

And—

How are you different? 

This is what has been undeniably wounding you the most. The recurring thoughts you can’t turn off. The queries popping up. The fact that you can’t and won’t ask, and that you know what the answer would be, and that you would still burst your head overthinking.

Jungkook knows you’re drifting away day by day.

He’s crept up on you and learned about every single piece of you, has understood you on a level so detailed that even you can’t quite comprehend about yourself. So it’s only natural that he sees it when your mind doesn’t reside with him.

When you’re in pain. And he is in pain, too — perhaps in greater distress, even. But you have told the petty inner voices that this isn’t a competition; that no matter what the bad parts of you demand, he is not supposed to hurt worse than you. None of you is.

But he’s told you. Told you about the torment. The night you came back, as he held you for dear life, glued to you under the thin sheets until you could barely breathe against the fabric covering his chest, you heard him say—

“I cannot figure out what to do… I— I lost myself once. I wouldn’t recognise myself again if I lost you, too.”

You wonder — did he already know what future to expect if you weren’t in it? The time you were gone; did he see a version of himself he didn’t recognise?

You want to ask, but your mentality keeps slipping. Always absent but deep in his own emotions; you hate that you’re so aware of his thoughts. That even right now, he doesn’t expect you to quite look at him or to reciprocate his touch, even though sometimes, reluctantly, you do.

And he doesn’t expect you to smile. He has never known you otherwise — but he doesn’t expect it, consumed by his guilt. He knows you’re entitled to feel the way you feel. Doesn’t expect you to talk to him as you used to either, or to love him the way he’s always known.

He knows you love him… but he misses the moments when you showed him you were in love with him.

Months and years of affection passed, and the weeks since Jihyo entered your life shattered part of the idyllic paradise you had built for yourself. Covered it in clouds.

Yet, he accepts it. To you, it sometimes seems that he is content that you’re here at all. He won’t tell you what happened, how he felt, what he did while you were away, but it seems that his most prevalent fear is you vanishing again.

As long as he sees you standing here, in flesh and blood and not just in his wanting mind, understanding that you are not a figment of his imagination, he is satisfied.

Then again, you don’t think there is an absolute way of not hurting. So you’re not surprised when he brings you back to where you stand, into this moment, and says, “Hey,” he tries to lift your head, “I miss looking at you properly.”

You try. You meet his eyes. They’re filled with sleepless hours and the same sadness as yours.

You keep looking at him, eyebrows slightly moving, breath accelerating, and say, “I do, too.”

“And I miss your voice.”

“I know.”

“And I want you to laugh again. About anything at all.”

ƒrims Well. Maybe you were wrong. Or maybe not — he doesn’t expect you to smile, but… he can still want it, right?

Your body reacts fully automatically, closing in until your forehead gently collides with his. You hear it when he sucks in a sharp breath, hopeful and so hopelessly adoring, before he whispers, “I love you so much.”

Translates to: I need you back.

Translates to: I need you here.

Translates to: Stay.

For a moment, you keep staring into his pupils. A little longer… and then a little longer. It’s hard to look away; as if they harbour a spell and he’s practicing it right this moment. But then you feel another ache in your heart.

Familiar, but never less painful. The same damn one that your mind and body have been shooting through you, keeping you from giving in.

You move back just a little — but he understands. Accepts that you need more distance, just for a while; that it’ll take time. But as if to tell you he’s nowhere near giving up, he grazes your cheek again, warmth in the back of his fingers; hot as the fire that he is.

When he lets go, you feel breathless. Drowning. 

“It seems that our daughter is awake,” he comments. You only now notice her tiny voice. Drowsy little girl waddling to her beloved father. Cheek to his shoulder, quiet in the morning, eyes closed again once she’s settled. He adds, “Let’s get breakfast.”

And you follow, but the appetite isn’t too big. Your heart is still beating in your stomach.

Hana has now learned to express herself enough to ask what’s wrong. She understands basic emotions. Sometimes, you let yourself feel in your twins’ presence alone, solely for the reason that they do not pose questions.

But Hana knows.

And you adore her with everything that you are and everything that she has become; but so does she. She sees it when your eyes droop; notices when her father misses a thing she said or two. When he looks at her with deeply rooted affection, but with dead and stinging pain, too.

You think that sometimes, gaping at her round, bubbly face, he remembers as much as you that she’s not all there is. That she and the boys do belong to his blood, but that somewhere out there, another boy gets all excited about visits every now and then.

A child older than any toddler in your massive mansion, residing in a warm home so small and compact in comparison. At times, you think that your husband knows, too: That sweet Minjun is truly all that has ever defined Jungkook.

The art; the smile; the dimples. The politeness and gentleness.

You take a deep breath.

How does anybody ever get over this? You promised Jungkook to fight, and you will, with time you will because you love him, but…

How will you move past this? Will you stop seeing all that happened in everything one day? Grow out of it, find a way to hold onto him and onto who you are, to hurt less?

“Mama… did you hear?”

“Hm?” You glance at your daughter as she wipes her bangs out of her face, eyes too big on it. She’s holding a toy pony towards you. “Hear what, sweetheart?”

You stretch out a hand, carefully holding the toy in your palm. It’s still beautiful, solid snow white porcelain, albeit missing one of his four legs. Hana cried for a whole while when it happened.

“What I just said!” she tries again, her voice reprimanding, disappointed. Then she sighs, pouts, “You didn’t hear.”

It’s the enormous doe eyes that pierce your heart. When he’s sad, he looks the same. Awakens the urge to protect and to love and to keep him far from even a scratch. You sigh, too; keep yourself together.

“I apologise, baby,” you shift closer to her; she’s a bit older now, more forgiving. Still feisty, but very forgiving. “Mama is just tired. But I’m here, yes? Tell me again, please?”

Whenever Hana starts a thought, she needs to finish it. Your absent mind can’t keep her from it; so she soon turns to you, her voice much louder than yours. “I was saying,” she starts, easy to persuade, “I want to see Tee.”

You laugh.

Tee.

A self-made abbreviation for the term auntie. Somehow, it was too odd of a word for her to pronounce, so she settled on this one syllable to define your sister. She has accepted it; grown to love it, in fact. You guess her name is now simply Tee because Jeon Suhana says so.

“How convenient.” Your laugh dies; replaced by a little jump as his posed, soft voice suddenly joins the room, echoing through it. You give him a small smile. “Right?”

Jungkook walks in with his hands in the pockets of his trousers, two buttons of his dark shirt open. His chest peeks golden from underneath, with light spots of red, as if he rubbed the skin over his heart, soothing it.

The usually lifted collars are falling lazily to the sides; the baggy, loose sleeves rolled just below his elbows.

He looks as breathtaking as he did when you met him all those years ago; when you fell for the soul he revealed. Jeon Jungkook doesn’t fade, in any way at all. He still emanates the same confidence, even in times of desperation. Radiates pure attraction.

You guess people would be fooled by this, fall for the untamed, silky, dark hair if they didn’t know him well.

But you do — and you see the change in hue under his eyes. How the fragile, thin skin is a tad bit darker, and how he usually takes care of his mane so well. The way his strands stick out isn’t his usual appearance. Your husband used to be more put together.

But he’s smiling. For your sake and for hers, perhaps even for his own.

Hana is beaming back at him, though a bit timid in face of the change she’s surely seen in him.

But she couldn’t focus on more than the grand city right now, you know. Somehow, you reckon he planted this thought into her mind. He’s been mentioning an upcoming ball this spring, not too many days from now.

If you went, it’d be an excuse to visit your families again. For him to see his mother, and for you to spend an afternoon with your sister. He’s spoken about this once or twice, told you to think about it.

That—

I, however, understand if it is uncomfortable. If it hurts.

Of course it does. Going back to the one place where he handed you his bleeding, beating heart, yours for taking. But the place where he almost became hers, to. The place you met pain and then embraced love.

You were going to give him an answer soon, and you haven’t, and you know how goddamn unfair it is to him, but…

Your heart has been so delicate, and your tongue too mute to truly verbalise a proper response. Yes or no is all it takes, but you can’t stop pondering about the pros and cons.

“Daddy…” Hana calls, palms on the ground, butt up to lift herself upright. “Daddy, what?”

Ever-the-curious daughter. She probably got this from you. Too many unknown flowers that you picked together.

He lifts his trousers to his ankles and then crouches down to her, on the carpet that the two of you have made yourselves comfortable on. Hana drops back onto it. “We could see Tee, if we can make time, baby.”

If your mother agrees.

“Really?!”

Her legs are folded, her upper body leaning forwards, as if she can’t contain the joy in her little heart. She’s delighted, fists on the carpet, and for a moment, it lifts your spirits.

His eyes shift to yours carefully as Hana does a little victory dance, and you feel a prick in your chest. Is it okay to go back? You want to. You don’t want to. Will your heart withhold the pain and take the weight the trip might bring? Or perhaps the opposite…

“Wait,” Hana interrupts, suddenly solemn, “who will play with Leehi if I go?”

Leehi, her favourite nanny, young and beautiful and gentle. You chuckle, and Jungkook follows before he hums for a moment, responding, “Well, she will certainly miss you. Perhaps you should go and tell her that you might go away for a bit?”

Hana gets to her feet again, still your teeny tiny baby as she lifts a finger and declares with raised eyebrows, “I will tell her to not miss me.”

“You do that, love. Leehi is in your room, making your bed.”

Your daughter bolts away with such determination that you can’t help but laugh; her two braids move back and forth.

And once she’s out of sight, Jungkook plumps down on the carpet, knees pulled in and arms around them. He tilts his head with a tender smile, chest rising before he asks, “Did you have time to think about it? Going home?”

You remember a time not too long ago when you’d sit here like this, too; despite the couch in the back, you’d play with the twins and Hana right here, on this warm carpet, and Jungkook would join after work. You’d place your head on his shoulder and whisper-converse with him.

Sometimes, you’d fall asleep and wake up in his arms, in your bed, with the children secured in theirs. You never needed proof for how gentle Jungkook handles you — but if he could carry you into your room like a feather without disturbing a moment of your sleep, you were at utter peace, right?

He did that to you. He still does; his presence calms you, though it stirs your heart, too.

You want to put your head on his chest again, slumber there. Instead, you nod and say, “I did, yes.”

“And?”

“Hana wants to go.”

His eyes move to the side, down to the floor, then back to you as he tries again, “And what about you?”

You shrug a little. “Can I really refuse my daughter’s wish?”

He moves closer; a very small distance, but noticeable to you. His eyes are intense as he emphasises, “What’s your wish, love?”

Yours? You have a lot of wishes.

Whispered upon falling stars and eyelashes. You can’t utter most of them now, though, can you? But maybe you should. Maybe, rather than the universe, it could be him granting you what you desire.

He can read your thoughts anyway. Because he encourages, “You can share your mind with me. I’m your husband, darling.”

You nod; let something in you break and break until your fingers move, up to one of his knees. He immediately puts a palm onto your digits, holds onto you as you say, “You are.”

“Only yours.”

You inhale deeply. The tears are less these days, but never truly gone. You blink before they can reemerge, quickly adding, “I will go if you want to go. Your wish is my wish.”

“It is?”

“Of course. I am yours, too.”

A fresh colour dusts his cheeks, as if he’s falling in love anew. But his gaze betrays him; still sad when he wonders, “Then… Can I say something very kitschy?”

You feel yourself melt just a little. A hint of a smile graces your face. “Always.”

“My wish is… that I want you back.” He drops his head the moment your heart sinks, too. Even from here, you see the damp waterline. “I want you to be mine the way you were. I wish to give you the same joy I used to. I just…” His voice shakes. “I need my girl back so badly.”

And then, another whisper, stuck in a loop, “I miss you.”

You nod again, tell him, “I know.” Because if you said anything more, you’d cry. You know you would.

He looks up at you, the rims of his eyes red, trapping the tears in. He sniffles; shuts his lids, as if preparing for something. And then asks—

“Do you still love me?”

Do you?

Does he truly need to ask?

His presence still calms you, though it stirs your heart, too.

You love him irreversibly. You love him with an intensity that has nestled into your heart and is here to stay. Jungkook will never leave its crevices, no matter what. You just wish…

You wish you could show these sentiments to him better. Easier.

You’re the only one in your way now.

Mustering strength, you admit, “If I had stopped— I might’ve been long gone.”

He nods right away — it seems to be enough for him. Encourages him. Like he needed the confirmation; like, even for a moment, he’s glad that your life and soul and being are still merged with his. You haven’t strayed as far as he always fears and it relieves him.

Relieves you, too.

He licks his lips, clearing his throat, and says, “If you don’t want to go… we don’t have to, yes? I am sorry for putting pressure on you.”

“No,” you hold onto his fingers, just weakly, “no, we can go. I want to and… It might be a good alternative to the usual routine.”

Another bop of his head before he sees the pony in your other hand, reaching for it. You give it to him, and he inspects it. Comments, “Oh… It broke.”

“Mmh… damaged but still here. Hana makes sure of it.”

Jungkook looks at you. You understand your words; understand the hope behind them. And it makes him smile.

The same smile that you remember from before; the one you saw in the orphanage, in the carriages, in the rain. Months ago when you pestered him in his office until he came to bed with you.

You don’t know if he hears it when you add a quiet mumble under your breath; you guess he registers at least pieces of it as he finds your eyes soon again, so tender and vulnerable and speechless.

Pained and comforted at once as you whisper, “I miss you, too.”

This is far from your first time entering a hall that exceeds all expectations you have of pre-summer events and boasting the riches.

Jungkook and you have hosted parties before and attended even more. The number accumulated over the years; to a sum that made you immune with time. To the lusters and the dances; to the lights and the food.

Never to his touch, but much to the noise and the giggle. Most of the conversations are superficial, and when they’re not, you’re barely part of them. In your town, people respect you, but they have their own little culture that you’re not always too well versed with, up there in your mansion.

And here in this town, you stopped being a true, proper member of the peerage long ago. Even when you’re welcomed with wide arms and open hearts. People encourage you and admire you, but your life has long evolved.

These people don’t know half of it. To them, you’re the co-ruler of a beautiful town, far from here and deep in your own head. Living your days with gorgeous children and a wildly desired husband.

But you have perfected your act. Nobody suspects a thing, and you don’t want them to. So you cling to Jungkook’s arm, a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach when you enter the brightly lit hall and take in what you know.

The place is familiar; many years ago, you flipped to a new page right here, following the same steps. You probably walked the same line to the middle of the room, too, and then up to a dark hallway, meeting Jungkook in a corner before you turned your lives around.

For a while, this spot was connected to memories you would’ve rather forgotten. Tears and pain and betrayal and lies and eventually, the truth. But aches have dimmed over time, despite the fact that neither of you will truly ever forget.

You replaced these miseries. You live through your own and resolve them with a priority unmatched to all you ever experienced.

Yet, this very moment feels different somehow.

It has been years since you danced here together. Months since you danced properly at all.

Back then, there was envy in his touch, you so vividly recall. Affection in his words, concern in his thick eyebrows, fear in his dark brown pupils. Gems, is what they always were, and you would always fall for them; when you’d sneak up to empty rooms or hurt in vacant hallways.

When he was still younger than he is now, and you were, too; when you had so many other issues to forget about, the world seemed much bigger. Like there was hope somewhere out of these walls; and there was.

You were children so in love, inevitably possessed by a powerful force that never quite left you after that. The heartbeat, wild and thumping, never calmed.

All you used to be and all you remained is in your chest and in your mind. On your lips and in your words. No wonder everybody behaves so normally. Who could think otherwise than to be absolutely certain that your days are still the same as they always were?

Jungkook pulls up his arm gently, glove-clad hand lifting up to offer to you. He isn’t interested in conversing with others today. He allows a little greeting or a smile, but he doesn’t indulge in more or divulges his innermost emotions.

And they don’t bother. He isn’t trying, so they don’t either just yet; being a royal plants timidness in other people.

No, what he is focused on is your weak self next to him, knees as wobbly as many years ago. The palm shown to you is beseeching you to come with him, and to do him the honour of being his for another night.

You didn’t ever stop being his, but you don’t need to reveal this to him. Even when he nods a little, moving his hand up just a little to urge yours into it, you know he knows.

But you still accept with soft fingertips lightly kissing upon his warm hand, debunking all possible thoughts of doubts and erasing them out of his mind. And he seems relieved when you gulp down the stress, following your silent husband across the room.

You remain as wordless as you watch familiar and stranger faces float by. You nod when they do, pressing their digits when they reach for yours, a soft and quiet greeting with a smile or, on the other hand, a delighted, “Hello!”

You find your voice when you respond, find it when Jungkook does, reciprocating the others’ eventual, brave curiosity and joy upon seeing the two of you. Hearing him helps you bring your vocal cords back into swing.

And you feel as though you haven’t spoken for ages when you finally tell Jungkook, “You know…” He turns a little, not quite in the middle of the room just yet. “You used to be worried about me rejecting you.”

You aren’t sure why you’re saying this at all. Perhaps because he isn’t fearful of distance anymore — or at least, not the one he used to be afraid of. This is different. Back then, he was scared he’d lose a presence in his life that he hadn’t been able to call his own just yet.

Today, he knows exactly what he’d be letting go.

Maybe he isn’t overthinking it as much as you, though.

Because as you look at him, head a little tilted and carrying a big, dreamy mind, you lose yourself in his twinkle a bit. The smirk is crooked and saccharine, the same old as when the two of you met. 

There aren’t that many couples on the dancefloor yet when you reach it, but it seems that you two being one of the few to make the start helps. Inspires others; pre-wedding season is always an interesting event to witness. People are just waiting for an opportunity.

And when his hand reaches the small of your back, body close in front of you, you catch yourself taking in a breath too deep. You’re enthralled when he once again reminds you of the sugary undertone in his voice, so cautious when he says, “You know, I do not think I was ever worried.”

You lift an eyebrow. “You weren’t?”

“Well, worried would be the wrong word. I would rather argue—” He shrugs a shoulder, eyes drifting to the side, to the floor, and then back up to you as he scours his thoughts for a proper term. “You teased me, and I indulged in it.’”

You laugh softly, blinking slowly. Encouraged by the sound of it, he laces his fingers with yours, and you let him. Let him burn your skin through the gloves. Amused, you whisper, “I teased you?”

“You always did, did you not?”

You’re not too certain about this. If he is referring to your little sarcastic taunts, playfully threatening to keep his dance cards empty, he might be right. But you remember more than just this—

“You were the one to make short carriage rides adventurous,” you playfully accuse.

Another chuckle, and you’re nearly sold. As he twirls you a bit, leading you across the shiny floor, you find enough time for yourself to reminisce for a moment. Wherever you went, whenever the world called you to some nearby thing to attend to, his lips would find you.

Innocent or not.

Your clavicles, your neck, the spot behind your ears.

Or — your knuckles, your shoulder, your wrist.

People might have wondered how your love could bud this fast when only weeks had passed back then, but you knew and saw and felt it all. You never questioned any of it.

Jungkook says, “Maybe I should again.”

Hm…

“Maybe you should.”

Weren’t you just as breathless and faint back then, too? You think so. And you think he fared no better, did he?

He’d sigh, too, the moment you arrived at your destination, whispering promises and plans to you through similar symphonies as you are hearing right now. But even with the familiarity of the strings, reality has changed now.

Because as you rock, you don’t hear the cheerful music playing. The strings are dim in your ears and the dancing a reflex. Rather, for you, there is a piano in the background, keys singing the tune of what you were.

The more you talk and the more you listen, the more you see. Behind your eyes, fabricated by your mind, you register all the fleeting pictures of a distant yet vivid yesterday. And some of it still aches, but…

You can’t stop talking, and you can’t stop listening, either.

The nostalgia, paired with the movements dragging your feet across the floor and into his arms, keep catapulting you back to a place you know and one you crave to return to so deeply. But at the same time, you can’t be that young again.

You will always be in love, but you won’t feel the same sickening beginning again. Truths are harsh.

But are they always as thorough as you valued them to be?

Because if you can’t be who you were, why does your heart still hammer like this? If you’re so hurt, why do you still feel transported to another lifetime, like you never really left? As if you’re trudging and wading and crawling through it again to relive it all?

Maybe because you are. Maybe you never truly left indeed.

A voice interrupts your thoughts, the lights coming into focus again. Jungkook’s breath is close to your cheek as he hushes the words, wondering, “What are you thinking about?”

Yes, what are you thinking about?

You’re thinking about a plethora of things; none of which you can arrange into rational, lucid thoughts. Words don’t come easy to you these days, so you rely on what you feel. Rely on your senses.

On how he looks at you. How he touches you. How he speaks to you. And on how he moves.

You swallow again, hoping for your voice to overshadow the violins playing and the piano’s tunes taking form in your head. You tell him, “I am thinking about how gracefully you still dance.”

“Hmm,” he hums, “can that ever change?”

Your left shoulder lifts a little. “We don’t dance as much as we used to. But I suppose not.”

“Or perhaps it can change and I just find it easier with you.”

Your eyes expand a bit, but you don’t know if he sees it.

Easier with you.

With you, of all the people he has known over the decades. A life filled with touches so godless that you can barely wrap your head around still being the only one.

And you try to blend them out so badly. The thoughts of his body swaying as easily with somebody else’s, or hiding in another nook, far from creeping eyes. Feeling another heat on a chilly night.

You are truly trying to focus.

To focus on the heartbeat against your back when he releases you and turns you in his grip. For a moment, he holds you there, against his vest, the buttons cold on your bare arm. Your skin reacts, goosebumps scattered all over, helped by the proximity his lips come into.

They graze your ears, as if he’s doing this to you on purpose; as if he’s attempting to draw out the message your soul delivers. Responding with your name, spelled out by the pumping of his heart. He’s trying to make you receive it.

Every damn second, he has been wanting you to focus on him, and you have been. More so now than ever. On this and this only.

But it’s never easy. It hasn’t been.

You turn back in his arms. Even the piano fades a little now; you barely hear any of it anymore, let him lead you, relying on the pure trust you still put in him. It burns as much as all you see in those eyes of his.

Two tiny flames, red and orange, flickering blue sometimes. Behind them, a dark and sweet and gorgeous void; it still leads to his heart.

You have never seen this much love in anyone’s glance. Except for when he looks at your children, you guess. But this is different. The two of you are always, always different.

Jungkook loves you. Jungkook loves you with all he has and all he ever had and all he’ll be able to give. Jungkook intends to love you to your last exhale, and will love you into the next life; and Jungkook will wait for your soul in order to merge back with it someday, in the great unknown.

No matter who of you leaves this cruel world first — you have never caught him looking at someone like this. Like he will be sitting on his cloud impatiently on the other side, holding onto the fate bestowed upon you.

You know this much. You know the nature of the two of you because you are part of this constellation. So it should hurt less. Eternity should relieve you.

And he understands, too, that you’ll always be here, patient as he watches you come closer step by step, back to him. No matter in which universe and which time; he’ll be there, in an uncertain future and when humanity has changed into something far bigger.

But…

Right now, right where you are…

The same lights, the same light steps. The same love and the same scent announcing the change in season. This place and the memories attached to it; the fragility of your mind and the still fresh wounds to your heart.

They extend in size much too fast, much too ruthlessly.

You unlace your fingers when the sound ebbs down, just in a moment all too fitting to not raise much suspicion. The bodies around you are bowing, chattering, smiling. They don’t notice you.

So you step back by mere inches, parting from him with a frail smile. You offer a slight bow, as well, watching him imitate it with muscles just as feeble. You bring a hand to your face. Touch your cheek first, still feel the heat brushing your skin.

Then, you fan air against it, feigning the warmth that a near-summery event such as this often brings. They won’t know. You breathe out, as if overwhelmed by the heat, and then begin to walk away. But he realises your intentions immediately.

For a second, you see his mouth forming your name. Then, his voice changes, as if you’re the only one who can hear it through the crowd, adding a tiny, “Sweetheart—”

So aware of it all.

But you’re already stepping away because you can’t stop now. Because your feet won’t halt, their heels pressing into the floor as if they’re moving by themselves, carrying you away.

And because the wind outside helps, even if just a tad; even if only until his shoes clack against the floor, their sound all too known to you. He catches up to you right away; not that you expected otherwise. Jeon Jungkook would not stand there and let you go.

Not again.

You hear your name again, wondering about the next syllable to utter. Your mind is obscured, and you don’t want to say the wrong thing, no matter how obviously you just ran away. So you sniffle a bit and then suck in some air, as if to blame the now colder night.

It’s a lie. It’s still pleasant; you aren’t cold despite the still-present gooseflesh. Maybe that’s why you find it so hopeless to contain your silent cries or to wipe away that one stray tear as you respond, “Yes.”

And the moment allows some time again. Time to think back to more that you never experienced, that you’d rather still not be a part of.

Because you still can’t stop comparing. All you ever see is her when he never does. Whenever you think about how much he loves you now and loved you then, you remember that he was in the same halls with her, staring from a far end, hoping for something she could never grant.

That he stood at the same spots in this damned world as the two of you did many years ago — but without them ever further advancing. Because none of them could, not because they wouldn’t. Because they were veiled, forbidden.

You start to pour your heart out the moment you turn to him, at the end of the porch, watching his mouth open to speak. You aren’t prepared and haven’t written a mental speech, so you’ll need to improvise.

Which means, you need to shield yourself as you speak, expecting how pain-struck he looks when you begin, “My mind keeps saying…”

It’s already a miserable start; but Jungkook still urges, “It says what?”

“That,” you clear your throat, so absolutely fazed and dazed when his thumb reaches out, catching the tear only followed by many others, “that it could have been her. That she is still there and—”

You pause to breathe, looking past his shoulder. Nobody else is outside, and you see the crowd through the door. A pair of eyes or two peeks out, but you’re clearly not interesting enough right now. So they diverge their gaze again.

You don’t care about whether somebody sees. You only care about them possibly thinking that he hurt you. That the grand, famous son of the former, beloved duke has done something to break a heart.

You don’t want them to.

So you drop your head, keeping your voice in check as you try to add, “I am afraid that you might start regretting that it was not her.”

Jungkook silences. The lips so close to your ears before are locked now; not because he thinks you’re right or because he’s ever entertained the option of a reality where she replaced your role in his life.

But because he’s told you the truth so many times. Over and over; circling round and round. It won’t carve itself into your mind as it has onto his tongue, words repeated like crazy.

He pauses a little longer; much until you glance up. And despite each of his failed attempts at bringing you back to where you used to be, he refuses defeat and tries again—

“And does this not tell you otherwise? Does it not mean anything? This…”

The thumb wanders from your cheek to your jaw. “That it ended up being you and not her.”

You tilt your head again; it’s different now than from a couple minutes ago. Maybe you truly are being a tease. Giving him hope one second, crying the next. Asking things like, “What does it mean?”

You know. Of course you do. But you’re being selfish for the first time, waiting until he tells you, “That it was supposed to be you. Always, and even now. I can’t tell you how all the days without you pass, but I just…”

A shake of his head, a drop of his hand. His head falls like yours did, and he closes his eyes, bringing two fingers to the bridge of his nose to pinch it a little. You wait. His lips, full and pink, form a circle, breathing out, and then he says,

“I am running out of words.”

Maybe he doesn’t need to add anymore. The former ones still echo. All of them always echo.

The eyes looking at you and the whispers he utters. The stare that wants to bring you the stars. They want to freeze the moment, the wind, the clouds in place — it all echoes his heart.

“Jungkook…”

It’s all your strength allows.

And what else can you say at all?

You can only listen as he pleads again, “Please stay.”

What else can you do? You see him everywhere anyway, hear him all the time. The love never vanishes either way, no matter what the world does to crush you. And you don’t want it to.

You want to remember it.

Even if any of this came to crumble to pieces and left you with merely half of what you’re able to call yours. Even if one day, you were deserted and alone and started forgetting his voice or the way his hands moved or the warmth of his touch, you’ll remember this much.

The intensity of the burning in your stomach as it spreads, a wildfire that consumes. But if you’re smart enough, you’ll listen. You’ll stay. You’ll add to the memories instead of erasing them.

Build a world that’s both old and new to you and leave whatever you survived throughout these months in another universe, one that you didn’t ever live in but solely visited.

You were wrong. His name isn’t all that your strength allows. There’s more left in your wobbly, fragile body. A rising of your chest; a lift of your head, blinking of your eyes; and a step or two, enough to close the distance.

He’s pleading on repeat, the same little request that has accompanied you the past months. Still whispering a little, “Stay,” as he watches you close in, lodged in place because this time, it’s your feet dragging you to him instead of away from him.

You feel it in every fibre when your body collides with his. Head to chest and arms wound around him as if clasping some support to keep you afloat. Your legs, no matter how aflame your heart, are weak somehow; you might falter.

But Jungkook helps you fare better. Keeps you in place when his hand finds the small of your back, slowly, unsurely. Cautious as it drifts up your spine, leaving something in its wake that you missed so fiercely.

You need to stay like this. Just for a while. Perhaps tonight, if you don’t, you might die. With a feeling eating you up, blazing as it could get, and tears rolling down that you’re certain could be acid.

They have been for a bit; everything has been for a bit.

But right now, somehow, somewhat, they’re still as different as you prayed for them to be for so long.

That night, you don’t stay in his humongous mansion that is resplendent in this picturesque town of yours. In truth, Jungkook doesn’t spend much of his nights over there when you visit the place you once knew.

His mother and brother mind less, but to him, the bright walls are tinged with a darkness only he sees, perceptible under the touch of his palms and in the endless, empty hallways.

Instead, you spend an hour of the night staring at the door you grew up gazing at, big and comforting and closed, a portal to your younger years and turbulent moments. Just a minute walk from that door and down the stairs, there is an entrance that Jungkook once stood in front of, begging, stepping over the threshold to touch you just once.

To tell you what you needed to know, without his tongue ever working. And you remember bringing him back here one day then, with a ring on your finger and an arm slung around his. Listening as he told you, looking around, “So cosy.”

“Pretty?”

“Beautiful. And the scent helps.”

You smiled. You had given the kitchen staff an entire list of Jungkook’s favourite dishes. He is an omnivore; he will eat almost anything presented to him, never too picky. Before you were married, he had enjoyed every bite and every drop given to him.

But he was here as your husband for the first time, and you wanted to pamper him as much as he spoiled you daily.

He looked sweet as he sniffed, nose crinkled, dark, dark eyes so enthusiastic and happy. That moment had long killed all the pain you’d felt burning in your blood a year prior, and you knew he’d keep your veins clean and your heart pumping.

And today… years and years after.

It felt different as he came in. This is still his home, too. Your mother loves him. Your father loves him. Your sister, while empathic, no matter what past she shares with him, adores him as her brother-in-law, too.

And despite all the trails of dryness on your face, where the tears flowed, you love him, too.

His calm breathing behind you offers a source of relief. His warmth is palpable under the blanket, the mattress filled. When you came here with Hana last time, you truly noticed how big your bed was and how you’re not used to the space, how you don’t even want it anymore.

And when Jungkook moves, sighing, evidently turning, you close your eyes. If he notices, he will ask why you’re awake, and if you tell him why, you will cry, and you can’t cry again.

Too late, though.

He knows; but he doesn’t ask.

What he does do is touch your waist just a little. The fingertips send a shiver up your sides. Gentle goosebumps and a fiery pain, well-known but so far away that it catapults you back to what you were.

Your throat is clogged when he, well aware of how awake you are, analyses the pattern of your breathing so easily that you should’ve known you needn’t act. He whispers, “May I…”

You don’t answer. Not because you don’t want to, but because you can’t. You want to turn around and cuddle into him, so close to holding the side of his neck and pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

But before your body can react, he does, an arm slinging around you when you put a hand over his. He pulls you close to him, a trembling lower lip sinking to your shoulder, and your inhales break.

Quickly, you close your eyes, thinking of the wind in your hair a couple hours ago. It was balm to your heart, the way his hug was; but the sobs echoing in front of the porch added a couple stones to your heart, forcing it heavier.

All these months, you have suppressed your tears in front of him, but by now, there is no need to hide and to pretend. Jungkook never has. Even now, he doesn’t veil a thing — you know when you realise he’s crying, too, shakily breathing in against your shoulder.

Between the silent weeping, you hear his voice whimper. You’re carried away when he holds you closer, still grovelling, delivering a now-rare touch to your clavicles and your jaw, as if to feel your heart and your presence.

And then, he mutters, “I love you. I am so sorry. I love you so, so much.”

The words are quiet, drowned as he presses his lips deeper into your shoulder, into your neck. His tears fall onto your skin, and you shut your eyes tight, letting out the same liquid, mixed with a longing, quiet moan. You don’t need to tell him that you feel the same.

You know he feels it. Feels it in the way you grip his hand. In how your head turns to his, and his fingers pinch your chin, and in the way you look at him. How you let him kiss your nose. Your lips.

In how you finally do put a warm palm to his neck, grazing the hair in the nape of it, mouth close to his as you shut your eyes before he does.

You remain and cry and hope and love until he falls asleep, and you follow.

You basked in the breeze.

It was scented and gentle, like the back of loving fingers caressing your cheeks. The sky was nearly cloudless; spring was slowly setting in. When you had walked the distance to this very spot, the wind howling in your ears had soothed you somehow.

Softly and sweetly; a desired change, along with the welcoming sun rays kissing your face. Warmth and love, a dress swaying. There was something about this world you breathed in that resembled a girl’s fairytale dreams.

So you didn’t mind the bugs or how ticklish the ankle-high grass made you or how hot it was getting by the hour today.

You wanted to be here. You wanted to be surrounded by the old trees, gazing at the paths between them leading to where you stood, amidst the butterflies and flowers and underneath the azure sky.

You were alone.

Saturdays were busy for the mansion and the village; people wandered about and tended to their businesses. Sometimes, they’d indulge in low-labour days and wander to this place. Some of those who could afford horses, would ride here with their kids, take a walk to breathe in the season and the worldly wonders the edge of your town offers.

But not today; and you were thankful.

You kicked the earth underneath your feet, the low boots not high enough or protective of your skin beneath the dress. You had fled from the mansion and the conversations going on. Jungkook was in the parlour and the children were playing with the nanny.

You guess this was the place to be. So you tucked your hair behind your ear, looking around the empty space, and then took a seat despite the wildness of the field. Plucked the grass.

Jihyo was probably still sitting in front of him, legs not nervously pressed together as she used to do when she visited. She crosses them now, her back a little more bent than usual, comfortable with her son and the man she once knew.

When you left, they were still exchanging pleasantries, but you knew it wasn’t long before they’d get to the business he’d promised her. Both of them pleaded with you to stay. To listen in and make decisions with him.

He held your hand until you retracted it, fingers left in his hold, and then, you pulled back entirely. 

You were terrible at being there. And you were terrible at being away, too. But the wind engulfed you with some solace at least, and this was only half as worse as the stifling air in that one room. Invisible thumbs pressing into your neck.

But this town, this village — they weren’t big. And your staff, and Jungkook, and the people knew you.

So you shouldn’t have been too surprised when she found you here, too. When you heard her voice close and recognised it immediately, swearing that the field was empty just a moment ago.

She was slow, careful. She knew you by now, at least a little; but she still always approached you as if she was waiting for an outburst, well aware that you weren’t going to snap again. But she saw a deep fault in herself, expected to be thrown out at some point.

But you wouldn’t; you never did. If you wanted to, you wouldn’t have found this very hidden spot that she’d located so easily.

Hands folded in front of her body, she smiled when you looked back at her, alarmed by the steps in the grass. You managed a little smile, just as savvy of the fact that she was harmless as she was. You didn’t hate Jihyo; but you were still wounded, insecure.

Squinting into the high sun, eyes hidden behind some of her strands swaying in the wind, she nodded towards you, standing over you before she said, “We are done.”

You reciprocated her nod, telling her, “That’s good.”

“He is giving Minjun a bit of his time, so I left. I have been wanting to find you for so long, but you always disappear.”

Of course she’d noticed. Jihyo, despite her faults and stupid mistakes in the past, wasn’t dumb in any way. She was a woman, like you, deeply tenderhearted and understanding of what swirled through your mind in her presence.

She knew that if she was you, she’d be hurting the same.

Yet, you told her, “I apologise.”

“There is no need.” Small pause, and then, “May I?”

She pointed to the spot next to you, asking to take a seat in the middle of a field that you didn’t own. Not like this; she didn’t need to ask. But you still nodded, shifting a little to the right, even though you didn’t need to.

Putting both hands under her thighs, she tucked the dress under her bottom and sat down, legs folded and fingers immediately grabbing some grass to toy with. She asked, “How are you?”

You puffed out a tiny breath. What were you supposed to answer? The shrug of your shoulder accompanying your seeming pondering was redundant, because you knew the answer very well. What good did it do to put on an act?

You responded, “It might take a while to feel like myself again.”

It was enough as an answer. She nodded once again, one eye still pinched shut as the noon sun stung in it. “It does take a while. Life would hurt less if it didn’t.”

“My mother says hardships build character.”

“Yes?” she wondered, letting out a little chuckle. Her digits wandered from the grass to her dress, picking at a stray thread. “I don’t know. I think it wouldn’t be too bad to evade these hardships. Does the character really need to be built?”

You sighed. “Right? I do not reckon I need to evolve as a person if I can just be happy.”

“Right,” she repeated.

She silenced again for a moment, the quietude broken by the whistle of the breeze. You breathed in, thankful for the oxygen so different from your hometown. You were thankful for a plethora of things around here and this was one of the aspects topping the list so easily.

Jihyo tongued her cheek and you watched for a second. When she noticed you staring, she smiled again, adding, “I appreciate your honesty. You do not need to talk to me at all, but you still do. Thank you.”

“Well,” you began, offering a tender smile, “it kills me to not be honest.”

Which was true, but not quite.

It wasn’t that you had been lying to Jungkook; you were just constantly burying your actual thoughts. What you felt and what you thought and what you needed. You felt odd about the moments you shared with him, and often waited for the right situations to be vulnerable.

It was killing you to not verbalise your mind, but you still powered through.

“I can see it,” she still admitted, “I see it even in your face.”

You were sure she could. Your face often felt contorted. Even if you wanted to, you were certain you couldn’t quite hide the emotions your brain elicited; it would always show in the eyes first. Windows to the soul and whatnot.

Did his eyes reveal the same to her? Did she see any of what she had so many years ago?

When he found out about her morals, when he felt the pang of pain in his chest back then, did he look similar to her? Or did she see a difference now?

Your stomach churned at the thought of this.

Words at the tip of your tongue, you chose to let them tumble, and asked in a voice so fragile, “How was he back then? Jungkook.”

Jihyo thought about it for a minute. Looked at you. Then gazed back down; without meeting your eye now, she said, “…Hurt.”

“Hmm…” you voiced, uncontrolled with your following words, seeking answers. “Then, he must not look different now. You know him like this, do you not?”

Another second to evaluate your question.

Your heart beat in your throat, and you let your head fall, understanding her answer until she spoke, and you realised that you actually didn’t, “I am not sure. For one, I did not know how to heal him. Back then, it was not just me. His emotions had to do with something much bigger than what we had.”

You only stared.

Your eyes begged for her to elaborate, and she did.

“He was hurt, but for another reason. Back then I was the distraction from his problems and he fell back into them once he stepped out of my life. But…” She hesitated, fumbling for words. “But you are the main reason for his heartache.”

Her words hurt deeply and violently. They had long been sitting in a space so concealed, but they floated to the surface now. As she voiced them, there was no way to deny them anymore; even if you weren’t at fault, and even if you understood your pain, validated it every day…

It was no lie that he was hurt because of you, too.

“Yes…” you confessed, your voice tiny and pained.

Maybe Jihyo understood what she had just uttered and how you’d taken it, because she shook her head in the next moment. Clarified, “Do not misunderstand, I don’t mean this in a bad way. Just that—”

She was struggling; was attempting to not be the source of your ache again. She inhaled deeply, and then tried again, “There is a big difference between me and you and his pain between us. With you, it’s so much more profound. If he can hurt because of you, and only hurt because he had lost a distraction all those years ago… doesn’t it reveal his true feelings?”

You didn’t answer. You needed to digest her words; eyes drifted to the ground, and you repeated them in your mind. She leaned into you, touched your elbow ever-so-gently. “Does it not?”

You tucked your hair loosely behind your ears. Partly, because it kept covering your eyes; partly, because you felt shy all of a sudden. Not the way you used to. Rather in a familiar in-love-way, yearning for somebody who was waiting for you just the same.

Somebody adored you for who you were, thankful for every damn breath you drew. There were moments of realisations like this; when you rethought your life and once again understood who it truly was who fell for you.

You were lucky, you thought, to be the one to be worthy enough to be loved by him.

“You’re right,” you soon agreed, “of course… of course you are.”

Jihyo didn’t answer right away. Your conversation was shaped by certain awkwardness, but it was drenched in support, too. You didn’t think you’d find yourself here, but realistically, you also knew that Jihyo wasn’t quite a bad person.

She had hurt, hadn’t she? Every woman deserves a love she can be proud of; Jihyo had never experienced it until now. Not when she hid with Jungkook in vacant rooms. Never meaning to hurt anybody when she broke into your life.

You wished you could despise her for her flaws, but you couldn’t.

Not when she looked at you like this. Those gorgeous, dark eyes so sweet, eyebrows knitted together just a little. Arched, pretty lips in a small smile, but the distress so obvious underneath her expression.

She said, “I don’t want to come in between you. I never wanted to, it’s just that…” She gulped. You already knew what she’d say and you nodded, but she explained anyway, “I need to ensure his safety. I wish there was another way.”

Perhaps there was. But no easy one. And maybe she was right anyway. If not the father, who else?

“I wish there was,” she repeated, “but as soon as I have figured it all out… I will be gone.”

The shake of your head came quicker than you would’ve assumed or expected. You surprised yourself when you defended, “But Jungkook deserves a relationship with him, too. I don’t want to take it away.” You gazed down again. “He wasn’t part of his life until now, but… can you or me or he really abandon that? Minjun is still his… his blood.”

You choked out the last words, suppressing the urge to hold onto your chest, to grip your heart and protect it, so it didn’t bleed through your digits. What could you do, really? You could’ve agreed, told her to pack her things once things were resolved.

You wished you were selfish like this; you knew Jungkook would’ve been for you if you just told him. But you couldn’t. It wasn’t fair towards anyone.

“Then…”

Jihyo’s gaze was intense, trying to communicate verbally. Maybe she knew it was hard to find the right words at the right times; she wasn’t bad at it, but it didn’t come to her naturally either, like the way it did for Jungkook so often. And he had said many times that it did for you, too.

“Then you might need to find a way to cope,” she threw out, “or to… to not hurt anymore. I’m wrong, I don’t want you to cope. I want us to stop hurting. Because I respect you.”

She let out another breath. Her hand moved in place, and you knew she was trying to reach out, holding back until you did it for her. Put a palm on her fingers. She continued, “And I do not want to lie… I am fond of you.”

Maybe because she understood. Or because, at heart, she knew you were good. Worth respecting. You wanted to hurt others just as little as she did.

You nodded, responding, “Thank you. I— I am fond of you, too, just not… of—”

“Of the situation itself. I know.” You agreed with another nodding gesture, nibbling at your lower lip for a second. Jihyo sighed. “Realistically… without lying to yourself. Do you want to leave?”

Did you? Of course not. If you’d wanted to, you would’ve. But you were too weak to fall out of love with him. Or maybe, in truth, this was one of your strengths.

Compassion. Care. Forgiveness. 

You never thought it took much to love him. But it always takes a lot to compromise, to fight through issues and circle back to love. Were you strong enough to do this?

Maybe. Probably.

Because it was him. Come on…

It was him.

“No,” you then said.

“You love him,” she stated. Not a question. A solid observation; anyone would see.

“I do.”

“…Would you regret staying more or leaving?”

Asking the right questions. Then again, the answer didn’t take much thinking. Your instinct knew, and your heart knew, and every overthinking thought, once cleared, would give way to one and only answer.

So you acknowledged, “I do not know how to leave him.”

And that was it.

Jihyo didn’t say more than that. She leaned back, one single nod, palms against the sharp grass; she didn’t seem to bother.

She stretched her chin towards the sun, indulging in the start of the spring. You saw a ladybug crawling up her clothed leg, but she didn’t pay it any mind. In fact, she didn’t utter anything at all anymore. Because she didn’t need to.

You knew, and she knew.

Because whatever she could’ve said, you already saw. Her silence divulged it.

Quietly, wordlessly made clear to you—

“Then you know where this will eventually go.”

The corners of your eyes are dry, somehow crusty when your lids flutter open the next morning. You guess that’s where the liquid traced down your face and left your skin to desiccate.

Your left side feels airy and empty, and when you turn, you see it devoid of a presence indeed. But there’s a soft, close rustling and whispering that you soon detect to be the man that priorly deserted the bed.

He’s standing close to your childhood room’s door, throwing a thin, baby blue coat over his shoulders. It’s reminiscent of the royalty he is.

His eyes meet yours in time as you blink at him, sad yet dreamy. The desire to act upon the emotions that the dream — no, the memory — called forth is vigorous. Like an invisible force, urged by the girl you expected it from the least.

She was right, you knew where it’d go. Perhaps you just needed more time; to heal, to come to terms with all the change around and inside you.

And you want to leave it behind and want to pull him back to you; but as his eyes flicker with an already established plan, you hold back, listen as he verbalises it, “Get dressed, my love. We shall go out today.”

“Out? Where?”

“Let me lead you. I wouldn’t want to ruin the moment.” And then he turns away. Adds, “I will wait downstairs. I will give you some time to get ready.”

He nods once towards the general direction of the house’s exit, hand already on the handle of the door. You start, “You can stay if you—”

But he sighs, not in annoyance but amusement. His mouth curves into a smile before he chuckles a bit, pushing down the handle. You silence, but he doesn’t leave before infiltrating each of your thoughts when he says, “I know you are fine with this, but—”

Just one more time, he turns to you, “But I want to revisit it. The moment I saw you and felt it for the first time.”

He doesn’t need to specify what it is, because you remember, too. The excitement seconds away from the door, when you’d rush to open and put your gloved hand into his. He’d bow and kiss your knuckles and offer his arm.

And you’d stare. You’d keep staring. Would marvel at the sun reflecting in his eyes or the raindrops trailing down his temple or the snowflakes melting in his hair.

You’d admire and fall, freeze and burn. Would wait for a single moment in a vacant corner, anticipate his lips closing in, holding the hand lifting to your cheeks.

The clot in your throat is thick as Jungkook leaves and shuts the door gently. And you, as lovesick as you have always been, let your legs dangle, for a minute tops before you hurry to find all you need.

Your maid helps you a little, tightening the corset and assuring you that Hana is still asleep. That your sister was planning on buying her toys today anyway, a certainly long trip. Maybe it was Jungkook who had schemed all this beforehand — it seems to work quite well.

Hana is never one to complain when it comes to her aunt or her uncle or her cousin.

You don’t notice how much time passes until you’re finished, a lock dangling on each side of your face and a summer hat sitting on top of the carefully mended hair. You only question what Jungkook did in your absence once you near the staircase.

Converse with your father? Flatter your mother? Soak in some of the sun, just outside on the porch, greeting passersby who must surely still remember him?

But it’s none of these things, really, and you should have known. Should have reminded yourself of the sincerity in his voice and the words he uttered as you awoke.

Because he’s nowhere near any of your family members; instead, he’s right there in the middle of the welcoming hall. Stands there like a lost but gorgeous, sweet puppy. Fondles with his fingers, a strand in his forehead.

His mane is as dark as his eyes when they find you at the top of the staircase, but they’re shinier, with a degree of affection you’ve known for years. So there’s something ancient in his gaze.

Something you knew back when life truly started. When he’d wait, just like this, and you’d walk down the stairs, as if descending to join him at the altar. Come to think of it, you think you remember similar sentiments in his pupils when you married him, too.

No, you don’t think so; you know. Hell might freeze over — you wouldn’t forget the way he looked at you, so vulnerable and in disbelief. Somewhat glad and relieved that you were there, putting his trust and his heart in your palms, yet expecting the worst.

You know that you taught him — to understand his worth and to see what he is to you.

And you see the same feelings now.

He knows you, knows you better than anyone. But he’s falling in love again. Seeing you again. Trying to mend what’s broken and finding an anchor in you, seeing the beauty one usually recognises in forests and waterfalls and colours.

You breathe in. Then out.

Keep watching as he watches.

His mouth is slightly apart, a bittersweet pain in his eyebrows, and once you reach him where he waits, you see him gulp. He dares not to blink as you take his hand, cherishes each moment and all he’s allowed to see of you.

Jungkook doesn’t need to say any of it. He has before. And even when he didn’t, you knew. He might have studied you over the years, but you know him better than anyone, too.

Strange, how your brain convinced you otherwise and planted doubts when you’ve never not been aware of the loyalty he always pledged to you.

But he’s so unwaveringly beautiful as you take him in. There is no moment in existence when he isn’t, but… those eyes. And the bridge of his nose, ending in that little button. The arch and curve of his lips and the moles you have kissed so often.

You’re breathless and taken when he smiles like this, madly insane when he says, “Not that I ever forgot, but,” he exhales, “I am incredibly lucky.”

Timid, you lower your head for a brief moment, fingers curling around his as you swallow the knot and tell him—

“Funny… I was going to say the same thing.”

You know the building. Know it like the back of your hand, even now.

“You brought me to…”

You look around, slightly blinded by the sun as you squeeze one eye shut. Some of the bricks look the same, some have been replaced. You didn’t realise how much you missed it here until now; not until the door of the carriage closes and it sinks in that he actually brought you here.

“The orphanage,” you breathe.

“You talk about them so much,” Jungkook says. Good — perhaps you did miss them and knew. But years passed. A new life started. Still… “We never got around to visiting this place. But I wanted to bring you this time.”

Your head turns to look at him. “Have you ever since you first asked to come to town?”

“Well… no,” he admits, “rather, I have wanted to for months. Before anything happened.”

You don’t know what to reply. There’s a little version of you in the back of your head, jumping in joy and tearing up at the same time. Another reminder of a million that Jungkook has always been attentive with you.

Maybe that’s why you fell just a bit deeper every day while other loves faded and wavered. Because Jeon Jungkook fucking cares. If not for anyone, then about you. You might die with this certainty embedded in your mind.

“Shall we go in?” Jungkook asks, and you nod, nervous and curious and so, so fond.

Once you’ve put your name in the visitors’ archive, the passage to the main hall is more or less empty, with a couple new faces passing you by. But once you reach the lovely place you’d frequent, watching spontaneous or carefully crafted performances on a small stage, names start coming to you.

It takes a second for them to perceive you. The orphanage can be a crowded place and random guests, especially unannounced, are not a given. You knew that back then, too. There are kind souls in this town, but the children are still not used to visitors.

They were used to you before you left.

And you see the month and year-long fondness they had set up for you once they do finally detect you. Some of them are new once again, but several you recognise. Just like you, they freeze momentarily, robbed of air.

For a second, they stare at you as if met with a forgotten ghost. As if they’re trying to place you into a fitting category in their lives, figuring out when you were part of it until they finally get it.

A boy and a girl, fraternal twins, are the first to abandon their game of nine men’s morris and get to their feet. You wave with a quiet, “Hello,” and they lift their hands and open their mouths, wordlessly telling you that, “I can’t believe this!”

The boy, Chul, would always hug you back when you came here. He was still so young then and now he’s grown by one or two heads. It’s easy to tell who they all are despite the time that passed; the moles and movements and smiles are still the same.

Though they have grown into such dashing gems.

Behind the twins, you see more children rushing, but he’s the first to speak your name, taking off his ivy cap, “You… it’s been so long. So long, welcome—”

“It has been,” you tell him as you allow him to take your hand. He must be around sixteen now. “Way too long as I can see. When did you start sounding like this?”

He laughs, looking around to the other kids and tells you, “You missed quite a lot. I even choose my clothes myself now.”

His sister chimes in, “Yet he’s not mature enough to see how awful they look at times.”

It is a joke, but you can’t help but feel a little sad. Even all those years ago, these two would bicker, playfully insulting each other’s intellect and appearance as siblings knowingly do. But even today, you know that the mere reason for unfitting clothes is the lack of resources at times.

The orphanage tries its best, but it can’t defy worse times. Chul is tall but on the leaner side, and the shirt is slightly too big. One day, you hope they can find a life outside from here, shape something they have dreamed of.

“You will grow into it,” you tell him, Jungkook quiet next to you, and pat the boy’s bicep, “you already look so much stronger.”

Chul blushes, carding his fingers through his chocolate brown hair. “I do try my best.”

Your eyes fall to the back, to a girl with lifted eyebrows and an absolutely delighted expression. Easily recognisable, too. She used to have flaming red hair; somehow, it has darkened with time, only by a shade. 

But her eyes are still a rare green, as unique as all of her. Lily was one of the few children who travelled from afar, in her mother’s arms that she never got to meet, like most of the kids here.

You still don’t quite know which country she originally came from, and it took her a while to accept that she’d never meet who brought her here. Almost everybody struggled with this at some point, but it took Lily longer to come to terms with it.

She was always loved, though. You recall her being mature beyond her years, and even now, she seems so put together. She must be close to adulthood by now.

And she was also one of the girls speaking to you when you brought Jungkook here for the first time. Bittersweet and nostalgic; she embodies much more for you than just the sweet girl you used to know.

She reminds you of Hana a bit, though they have nothing in common. Perhaps it’s because you hope Hana will be just as amazing one day; heighten all the wonderful qualities she already possesses.

Lily steps forward, along with the others; you soon see that a bunch is missing. A lot of those you played with and talked to — but as the conversation continues, you soon learn that they left the orphanage when they were old enough.

Saved up from the work they did as they grew old enough and then travelled the country and cities to find a college, studied what they desired, established a life. Those you knew as older children back then are now probably somewhere, hopefully happy, finding joy in something new.

You feel inexplicably proud.

The rest is still here — hoping to follow in their footsteps. Different from you who disappeared so long ago. You said your goodbyes back then, but you were sure you’d return.

Life moved so fast.

The kids, soon finding themselves in a circle on the clean floor, facing you, ask where you went and how you were doing. What life was like away from here.

They’re sweet, these people. Didn’t mind folding their legs on the spot, but insisted on offering a blanket for you to sit on. Jungkook is close to you, just a few inches behind you, allowing you space and privacy with those you cherished.

But as enthusiasm in all voices grows, he speaks up as well, curious as he asks, “Do you all remember me, too, by the way?”

Some nod enthusiastically; others stare at each other, still young and even younger then. Jungkook picks them from the circle, cocking an eyebrow in faux-offense as he curses, “Well, damn. I shall remember this.”

But the twin sister, Eunji, shakes her head, reprimanding, “How do you all not remember? He was the prince!”

Enlightenment spreads over the others’ visages. Of course it’d take them a little. They have probably heard of the Jeon Jungkook, one of the main royals the town offers, but since he left with you years ago, they wouldn’t know his face anymore, would they?

They were so little when they met him first.

“I mean, I am not really a prince, but—” Jungkook starts, but one of the older ones interrupts—

“Well, you looked like one.”

Then, one of the youngsters that forgot, “You still do.”

Jungkook chuckles. You look over your shoulder, catch the crinkles around his eyes and the bunny grin; the way he lifts his shoulders some whenever he laughs. He looks much younger like this.

Like before. Like then.

“Wow,” his candied voice utters, “thank you so much.”

“Were you already married back then?” Eunji asks.

You shake your head. “No, not for a while still. I invited you, did you forget?”

“Ooooh. I keep mixing up memories. But dang,” she teases, leaning forward, “so you fell in love when you brought him here, huh?”

You smile; see Jungkook blush. These are still hormonal, young adults. They’re probably roaming around, falling in love, too. No wonder they dig such topics so much. They didn’t care all those years ago.

But you’re delighted when you tell them parts of your and Jungkook’s story, conveniently leaving out pieces that concern nobody but the two of you. You must admit even: being here helps you forget some of it.

And as time passes, you reckon this was partly Jungkook’s intention, too.

Another girl, Hayun, hitherto quiet and listening, wonders at some point, “So why are you here?”

“I wanted to visit you,” you tell them.

The answer is easy and clear as day, though you weren’t the one to manifest the idea into actions. You don’t tell them that it is Jungkook doing this for you; that you would’ve come back for them, but perhaps not now, not with how life went for weeks.

But you don’t regret a moment. You’re thankful. If you could, you’d take his hand, squeeze it, silent gratitude, so he knows how you feel about all of this. And you’re determined to keep their smiles on, to return when you can when they ask,

“Are you going to stay?”

“Not for long… I will need to go home in a day or two…”

You could feel guilty. But you don’t; you’re not leaving for so long ever again. You adored all of them from the bottom of your heart. You won’t let all of what you came to feel be for nothing.

“But… if you’d like,” you begin and some of them straighten their posture, “I can stay here for a bit today. I will come back another time, too. Is that… alright?”

Their reaction is immediate. How did you never assume how much you mean to them, too? Of course you do. You were a frequent face and they learned to love it, to appreciate you deeply. Considering some of the lonely days they lived through, they’d never forget you.

Your waterline dampens, for the millionth time this week, and you blink it away. You won’t cry, not here, not now. They’re a source of joy, so you’ll show them this exact emotion, too.

“Of course!” they chime. “As long as you’d like. We’ll be here.”

But it’s hard, containing it all in your eyes. They must be seeing your glassy look, because theirs turns empathetic, smiles everywhere you look. Filling the seconds of noon, and then afternoon, with stories.

You’re baffled about how much has changed. Years ago, they’d tell you about their day and ask you for permission to braid your hair and draw with you.

Now, they reveal their first loves and tease you and ask about your children. And still, some of the moments are so familiar.

Because you remember that Jungkook sat next to you back then like this, too, and that he was silent, staring and caring and falling in love just like he is now. Seeing you for who you are and creeping deeper into your heart.

Things have changed and relationships have changed, but then again, they haven’t.

The young people the two of you were, flirting and rolling your eyes, pushing the other and then pulling them in. Swiftly into his arms, into his mind. You’re more mature now, but still in love, still one molten soul.

And you still see the same damn devotion when you recite a poem the children remember pieces of. You’re glad you still recall most of it, because they struggle with finding the words, reminiscing about how they loved it but not what it consisted of.

A belt of straw and ivy buds, with coral clasps and amber studs, And if these pleasures may thee move, come live with me, and be my love.

When you catch him looking, he doesn’t avert his eyes. They stay on you, aching and yearning, soft but so expressive.

There’s unspoken comfort floating between you, a sense of pleasure and beauty that truly moves you to your core, like ivy buds and amber studs, and you feel it perfectly.

Your heart — much closer to his chest than your own.

His hand is balmy in yours as it escorts you out.

The children’s day isn’t infinite. They soon find themselves busy with chores, apologising every now and then, and as the evening breaks in, you decide to leave them to their meals and tasks.

You have barely left, stepping into the carriage when you whisper, “Thank you.”

He squeezes your fingers, much as you wished to do before, and asks, “What for, love? This was long overdue.”

But you shrug, tell him, “Not just for this. But also for reminding me who I used to be.”

“You’re still who you were.” He nods a bit, a corner of his lips slightly jerking upwards. “If I saw anything today, then that you’re still you.”

“This is…” You furrow your eyebrows, not because you’re irritated but because you’re so deeply affected. Still sore from the knots in your throat, still wounded by the longing. “This is comforting… hearing it from you.”

He lets your hand go, fingers sneaking up to your face instead, cradling it. It’s not the first time, but the repetitiveness doesn’t stop him from vowing to you that, “Whatever you might assume… I will always feel the same about you.”

This isn’t what you are scared of; Jungkook has proven over and over again that he loves you more than humanly possible. It’s rather that—

“And I will never feel the same for anyone else.”

This. It’s this.

Your chin trembles and you start to give in, succumbing to the touch and the eyes and the memories. Your voice is shaky when you start, “I love you, Jungkook… I do. If there was—”

The shake of his head quietens you. “We’re not done yet.”

“What?”

“We’re not done,” he repeats, pinching your chin tenderly, “tell me all you need to once the night is over. I… I need you to be certain.”

You blink. “Certain about what?”

“About… all you need to be certain about. You’d know what that is.” Digits come back to yours, holding them again as the carriage starts with an unsteady jolt. “Only you.”

Yes… maybe nothing has changed as much as you thought.

“Back then you gave me time to think, too… Never rushed,” you say.

“I always will.”

“…Even though we live a human life that is so limited.”

“I will keep waiting.”

“I will be certain before the night is over, then,” you promise, breathe out the pain, “like I was then.”

He brings your knuckles up to his velvety lips, silky like your scarf as he presses a feathery peck onto them. They graze his cheeks and then his jaw, and you barely notice when your body drifts towards his when he speaks.

“Like you were then.”

As far as you recognise, you aren’t too far from your home.

Jungkook walked through a park and along a river with you, admiring the content fish and swans in its depths and at its shore. You didn’t come here a lot when you were younger; mostly with your parents, so there are memories attached to this place that aren’t quite his and yours.

Or at least, until now.

You assume Jungkook is giving the two of you the time you need, bringing back pieces of what was. But you don’t fully understand what it is and what he’s doing until you reach a bench and a spot you are very well acquainted with.

Jungkook’s and your name is clearly written in the sky above where you stand, like you own this place. Like it’ll be you who’ll be remembered by those passing by once both of you have left this realm.

The resemblance to the night you first spoke to Jungkook, many, many years ago when you were just kids, too, is striking. It’s when your initial enmity started; when you learned to abhor somebody you’d eventually learn to treasure.

And this… this is exactly where he first asked you about the odd deal. To be courted. When you stared at him in disbelief and dismissed him with a hundred accusations.

Why did he bring you here?

And why do you feel this way, as if things could truly be okay again? How does it all fit?

So you ask, “Why here?”

“Because… I don’t care which insufferable things we felt for each other,” he explains, “we started here.”

But I want to revisit it. The moment I saw you and felt it for the first time.

This is it, isn’t it? Jungkook didn’t just plan a random outing due to the pleasant day, the warm sun, the gentle breeze slowly introducing thunder and grey clouds. If he had, you’d have spent the day on a hill the two of you love, or strolled amongst a crowd.

No, Jungkook is retracing your steps. The ones you took several years ago, when you hadn’t each exchanged half of your hearts just yet. He wants to bring you back to a place of hopelessness and hostility, prove to you that sometimes, you can save a withering flower.

Or make something new bloom instead.

“We changed so much over time, no? I can barely remember what I used to feel that day,” he says; he’s right. You cannot even conjure fragments of the revulsion between you; it dispersed so quickly. “I can’t even believe any of the hatred ever existed at all.”

“As if we were someone else.”

“It seems like it, does it not? And then… now…”

Yes…

A shared mansion and shared offspring. A beautiful face choosing toys with her aunt and twins familiarising themselves with the grandparents they met too seldomly.

From there to here, from black to white. Then, to a hue of grey.

“As we started our life together…” Jungkook starts, his face more like ash now; the space between the clouds is narrowing. “Did you ever doubt the change? Remember how we were the years before.”

You would never dream of such a question or a thought. Would never form a doubt such as this in your mind. Even then, you were nearly blindly trusting, hopeful in people. You knew they were capable of change, because you weren’t the same anymore either.

“No,” you tell him, “I never thought you were a bad person at your core, but… it needed time for me to realise, too. And when we became what we are today, I knew who you really were. So no, I never did.”

You wait, watch him nod. He seems relieved but also nervous, distracted. Tells you, “I did a little. Doubt myself. I was scared that I wasn’t truly that kind person you saw me as. That I was still the same man plaguing you.”

“You never plagued me,” you promise, stepping near, an automatic hand finding his cheek. “You gave your all.”

“Do you remember,” he begins, halting when a quiet thunder sounds, “do you remember how scared I always was to mess up? Before Hana and anything.”

The books he’d read. The memories he’d carry. The conversations you’d have. Frightened to repeat or forward what he’d grown up with.

“I do,” you say.

“And you’d always remind me that I was easy to love… that effort is always worth it.”

“It is. It was for you, too. Our kids love you.”

The rain collects silvery in his waterline, at the same time as it does above in the sky. He’s harbouring something in this fragile heart of his — a dozen questions and a hundred scenarios. You know he’s hoping for a specific one, hoping for the right responses to all his inquiries.

So there is no surprise in the words he utters next, nor in the shaky fear in his voice, “And you?”

You're quick to answer.

“I will never unlove you.”

“D-do you also remember… how I’d always tell you how afraid I was you’d run away? Before I married you. How much I feared that I’d wake up and not find you anymore?”

“But you found me. I would never hide—”

“But I’m still scared. You reminded me that everybody’s worth loving, despite their mistakes and burdens, and despite all I let out on you or anyone else… you found a way to forgive me and love me. And I’m still scared because—”

His palms shoot up, too, holding your face much as you are holding his. He presses them in, pulls you closer, and you gasp soundlessly. Then, “Because none of this was or is ever a given.”

“I know, too, Jungkook,” you counter, “I never took you for granted. And you know it, you were never bad. Just…”

“Mistreated. You’ve told me, just… I chose to handle it all… way worse than mistreatment justifies. You never did so, no matter what or who hurt you because you’re the sound one, you know?”

“Jungkook, my coping does not have to align with yours, we’re different—”

“Yet, baby, I learned to be a proper human being because of you.”

“This is too big of a responsibility, Kook… it was never just me.”

“No…” he says, gulping, shutting his eyes for a second when another thunder rolls. Fitting spring evening for a blossoming yet blue couple. “I don’t want to attach my sanity to how you react to the things I do. I did this once and…”

He shakes his head, moving your hands with them. Your thumb brushes over his cheekbone and then sideways to his hair. He continues, “I don’t want my ability to make wise choices to be dependent on who you are to me, but…  I will never deny what your existence did for me.”

You nod, as if to pacify him; you do it with your children sometimes, make them feel heard and seen. It works with every human being. Jungkook is no different. He seeks your approval and seeks your love.

He sniffles. “Perhaps it wasn’t you making me decent but— it was you leading me back to myself.”

The sun is starting to set. You don’t know when time disappeared and rushed, but it’s almost invisible behind the pale sky. And now, the first drops fall, too. Starting slow but exploding quickly.

It’s a harsh reminder that, as a human being, you cannot repeat moments from the past. Even when you trace them back, they won’t come again; you won’t feel the exact same giddiness again.

But you can create new ones, more dizzy days.

Ones that resemble the night you stepped out of the orphanage, or any other hazy and dark evening that you spent wading through the shower instead of evading it. Or the moment you saw the duke’s son properly for the first time, sobbing on a lonely bench.

Whatever ghastly and foggy disappointment grew in your chest that very night a lifetime ago has long been replaced by guilt — guilt about not understanding better as a kid, not being able to elude the disgust that would follow your entire youth.

But most of all, sadness about how hurt he truly was and would continue to be; how you see something similar now, even though the situations differ drastically. Most of the issues from then have been resolved, and now he’s caught in something else.

Then again, losing somebody and dreading loss both induce fear, don’t they?

And it’s you who helped him last time; how deeply does the pain really run when his anchor is drowning, too?

You look around the world for a moment, lost in dreams and in your head. Jungkook calls your name, a distant sound as the rain patters onto your skin. It takes you a second to recall that you’re supposed to answer, and when you look at him, his voice is so terribly delicate—

“Do you remember?”

“…I do. All of it.”

“We’re living a new life now, aren’t we?”

“I guess we are,” you say, your hands falling a bit, grazing his neck to keep his attention and sanity just enough. “But a new life means rebirth. That does not have to be a bad thing.”

“It doesn’t,” Jungkook agrees. His hair is already soaked — when he shakes his head even a bit, the tips throw the drops into all directions. “But some things stay the same.” He stares up for a second, blinking faster as the sprinkle falls into his eyes. “The rain still connects us to the sky.”

He laughs when you do, suddenly and sweetly, breaking out of you. It has been a while. You keep your smile intact, but the chuckle stirs another emotion in you that you’ve kept at bay for the minutes you’ve stood here.

Glassy eyes find his, silence befalling the world for a moment barring the gentle storm. Then—

A sob.

It travels up straight from your throat, no way of stopping it, no matter how hard you try. Your voice stutters, eyebrows coming together, and his expression changes. Culpable, unforgiving towards himself.

His head sinks a bit, and you guess it doesn’t help when you admit, “Jungkook… I am so hurt.”

“I know,” he whispers; you’re surprised you hear him at all. “I am, too.”

“I’m so… why are my thoughts everywhere, Kook?”

Your desperation implodes and explodes, evident in every tone and tear. You hold onto the collars of his blue coat, tug yourself closer to him. You’re aching, but you need him nearer. Maybe you’ll spiral if he isn’t.

“It hurts so goddamn much to think about it, well knowing who I am to you, and… and I hate losing this part of my sanity,” you tell him.

“Do you…” he starts, swallowing. The state of his eyes resembles yours now; the salty grief is similar as it glides down his already wet face. “What do you need me to do to be happy? Do you need me go— gone?”

He barely gets the word out. Hesitates. So terrified of hearing your answer, unsure whether to take it back, as if it could make you forget he suggested it at all.

But you know Jungkook. He’d rather cut pieces of his heart and never mend them again if it meant bringing you peace and comfort.

The truth, though, is…

“How could I?” you mutter to the ground, not daring to move, like it could make reality dematerialise and throw you into one without him. “No matter the pain, I think that— that losing you would hurt more.”

His breathing accelerates. Some of the life he always breathes into you sparks anew, and he grasps your hand, lets you know that, “You’re not losing me. I’m right here.”

“What if this all, or I, ruin your life?”

“…How?”

“By being like this all the time, Kook—”

“What?” You shut up at the tone. He has told you before — he detests you accusing yourself of something when he messed up… always his words. “Do you know what’d happen if you left?”

You do. You don’t.

You have an idea of what happened when you were away, but he never told you all of it. If you disappeared for good, you’d possibly be met with a world with a Jungkook in it that you don’t even want to imagine.

“I don’t care if you ruin my life,” he emphasises, “I want you to. I want to sit at the fireplace with you and laugh and cry and fight with you. I want to see the kids grow, together with you. I want this. Okay… Okay?”

“I—”

“And I want you to keep remembering it all. How we started, how we grew, too. How I thought I’d die without you the moment I saw you walking towards me at the altar.” He brings your hands to his face as he always does, brushing your knuckles against his lips. “I… I can’t have this with anyone else.”

He moves your fingers to his eyes, and a moment later, you feel further wetness, the tears against your skin. He shakes his head, lets all he concealed for weeks flood out at once. You knew he was hurting, but he barely ever showed it as openly as he is now.

Just like you are. You remember — that he held back for you, died a bit every day.

“And I don’t want to,” you hear him whisper. And then, again. “I really don’t fucking want to.”

You’re speechless; if only for a second.

“This is… what you’ve grown to feel?”

“I always have,” he tells you through his trembling voice, a pitch higher now as he capitulates, “she was just— a fleeting memory of just one moment. And you are every second of my day.”

He has been occupied all these years — in every single nanomoment of every damn day and night, you were the main thought taking over his brain. Whatever he’s done, whatever’s he’s ever said, he’s done and said so for you.

Jungkook favours you over every existence in this universe, and you should have always known. No, you did. You were never an overthinker until the world turned upside down, until it forced dubious hesitation into you that you should’ve deemed irrelevant from the start.

Jihyo isn’t part of him anymore. He didn’t see you when she was. He didn’t see her now that you are. Does that very past matter more than this, though? This warm touch and the promises in it and the love in his eyes and the sadness in his lower lip.

“You don’t know who you are to me,” Jungkook says, not waiting for your query before he tells you, “you don’t know who you are at all, do you? Do you never see all the kindness and generosity? How selfless you are and how much you care?”

“Don’t you? See it in yourself, Jungkook?”

“This is what I mean. You’re so fucking forgiving, too, no? I—” Pause. Then, quieter, “Please forgive me…” He’s begging now, full on crying, closing in until his lips float over yours. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Jungkook has kissed you a million times. But when he does this time, he adds emotions you don’t think you’ve ever felt his lips press against yours.

And you feel it all when he leans in, parted mouth colliding with yours. He’s been so afraid to kiss you; but not now. Not when every single one of your glances pleads for him to. Not when you’re not ready to break the rhythm, not now, not ever.

Everything is already blurry around you, but it seems to vanish now. You still register the glossy streets, the silver, misty air, but all of it seems unreal. And then, you finally close your eyes, give in.

None of this feels rushed, but it feels urgent. Slow and tentative, but also desperate and thirsty. The rain combines with your tears and slips down your faces, threaded through your hair and soaking your clothes.

But you don’t care. You don’t move. You need warmth. Need shelter. This achingly gentle, still and suspended moment where everything ceases to exist.

Only skin and rain and tongues and lips. Only him and how he holds you, pulls you in, uncaring of who might see or what they might say. This waited to happen. You know it did.

It takes minutes until you gasp for air, remembering to breathe, fingers in his hair and forehead against his as you realise that you will never be able to unshackle yourself from him. You’re here to stay, following his steps, entangled with him until you cease to exist, too.

You’ll keep running back until he catches you. And you’ll catch him when he hurries to you.

And as he exhales into the air, face half lit as the moon rises, you clutch his body to yours, his ruined clothes for dear life, cheeks searing as you tell him—

“I do, too. I love you, too.”

For a moment and for an eternity.

Seasons changed again.

The twins talk now.

And ever since they learned to finally babble, it’s all they’ve been doing. Hana loves the fact, but acts as if she doesn’t. She’s an undoubtedly mature child. Knows too much for her age, still forgiving — but her ego also still remains intact, especially when it comes to her brothers.

The care she grants them rattles your heart. Protective and loving and so giving. But the fights continue; your twins are as gentle as their parents, but they do not shut up when they feel like they don’t need to.

They confront you or their sister when needed. Probably got this from you, too.

So nobody is really surprised when Hana feels as thoroughly irritated as she does most days growing up with them, a whiny voice exclaiming, “I don’t want your carrots! Eat them yourself!”

The brothers have been dumping their vegetables onto her plate for the past seven minutes; half of their meal makes a mess on the floor. You usually don’t let them eat on your precious carpet, but the kids have been particularly sweet these days.

Absolutely and unwaveringly mannered at yesterday’s gathering especially. You were celebrating Hana’s eighth birthday; maybe they were too distracted by the pastries and the cake to fight, too.

But you’re too weak, too easy to convince. As strict as needed at times, but not entirely immune to their irresistible charm. And Jungkook… he’s a hopeless cause anyway when it comes to them.

“Stop this!” Hana yells, returning the already mashed baby carrots. She emphasises each word with each piece she throws back onto their plates. “Eat. Your. Veggies!”

“I dun want to,” Jaehyuk responds, and Jaehoon, following, imitates. It fully provokes her. “You like them.”

“I am done, Jae. Let me rest.”

You can’t hold back the sudden laugh, not even when she fights back with a sigh, leaning back. Acts as if she took care of the dozen chores in the mansion when she’s merely exhausted from the party. To be a child again.

“I need my quiet time,” she told you, and you furrowed your eyebrows in delight before you granted the princess what she wished for.

The sun is setting outside, though having been hidden for most of the day. It’s colder now, but dusk is still pretty. You’re thankful for this; thankful for it all. Because this time of the day equals Jungkook close to you.

Done with work. Hip to hip on the same carpet against the couch that you once kept your distance on from him.

But you long stopped thinking of this. Whenever you find yourself here, basking in the presence of your little family, you think of the precious moments before anything happened. In hindsight, however, not much changed in the extent of affection after all.

Because you learned to cope, learned to let go. Jungkook still meets Jihyo sometimes, forms a bond with his son, provides him with a sense of fatherly love. And you let him — you don’t feel insecure anymore.

“Daddy,” his girl calls, tapping his knee for exclusive attention, “say something.”

And the father, ever so diplomatic and peaceful, settles on, “Leave the carrots, okay? I’ll eat them later. Stop fighting.”

“Hear?” Hana voices, an accusing finger scolding her brothers. They offer a full grin, absolutely aware of their effect on her.

Your eyes widen when Jaehyuk randomly and without a good reason rebukes, “Stupid Suhana.”

“Hey, hey!” you reprimand immediately, cocking an eyebrow until they go quiet. Their attention shifts to their food innocently as you chastise, “Don’t say such things. And definitely not like you’re insulting the name.”

“We are because we dun like her.”

Another giggle from Jaehoon. The boy mostly listens; doesn’t pick a fight. But if it’s about his siblings, he’ll definitely be a culprit, too.

“You so do,” Hana defends, and you agree with a nod and folded arms, “now eat. Leave me alone.”

This time, they listen; resume to their dinner, but not before sticking out their tongues to her. She ignores them, fiddling with her fingers. When she looks at you, her head is tilted, eyes curious as they are all the time before she asks, “Where does this name come from anyway, Mama?”

“Oh…” you respond, shooting Jungkook a look right away. You tell her, “You should ask your dad. It was his idea.”

Her gaze shifts to him, and he hums; then explains, “It was your aunt’s name. So you’re named after her.”

“Oh. Can I meet her?”

Your eyes drift to your lap. You register the change in his undertone as he speaks on, “I’m afraid this won’t be possible. She’s… she’s not with us anymore, baby.”

Hana’s mouth forms a silent Oh. She’s empathetic, sad when she sees a dead bird or a sick cat. She knows to grieve, but she knows to move on, too — so she says, “Well then, I like the name. I think I was named after somebody great!”

“Oh?” you wonder. “How do you know?”

“I wouldn’t have her name if she was bad.”

Jungkook chuckles, and you resume staring at him from the side, quietly finding the hand on his thigh as he answers, “I’m sure she was. I have heard only good things.”

“Good,” Hana says, much at the same time as Jungkook adds, “If I could… I’d thank her.”

You don’t know who this statement is directed to. Perhaps it’s too complex of a thought to truly expand on for your children; perhaps he’s thinking out loud for himself. But Hana doesn’t ask anyway, even though she hears it.

Too distracted by Jaehyuk, the troublemaker, who pokes her annoyance back, and she slaps his hand away, sulking. You let them handle this — sometimes, it’s easier to get rid of a situation when you let it unfold.

Instead, your eyes drift back to your husband, and you wonder, “Thank her, yes?”

“Yes.”

“What would you say?”

From the corner of your eyes, you see Jaehyuk and Jaehoon leave their posts and march to a disheartened Hana. No matter how impossible they are, they don’t like seeing her anything other than joyful.

It warms her heart as much as yours, you know. Soothes it when they position themselves on either side, cuddling into her, eliciting a half toothless smile. You’re content.

Back to Jungkook in time, you listen, “What I’d say?” He turns his hand under yours and entangles both your digits. “Hm, I would say…”

He ponders for a while. Waits for the right words to come to him.

And then, a puff of air escapes, your heart swelling when his eyes soften with his voice, “I would try and word my gratitude towards her. It was her who showed me that even the worst people can care.”

“He cared for her.”

“He did,” he squeezes your fingers, shoulder to shoulder. “It was also partly her who saved me, even if she’ll never know. And it was her who brought me closer to you. I wish I could tell her.”

“I wish I’d met her even once, too.”

“I know.” 

He nods. The Suhana you never got to know hasn’t been a topic very often. As years passed by, your mind developed its own image of the Suhana you do know. Hana, Suhana.

But when she is, this remains a common phrase. The never-to-be-fulfilled wish to see her just once. A stranger who never even knew of your existence, let alone your name.

“Suhana was supposed to stay,” Jungkook then voices. “But she didn’t and still managed to shine such light onto us from up there. So yes… I would express my gratitude for the life she gave me.”

He sighs, as if remembering somebody from a distant past. “For the life I had the blessing to witness as a human being and… will have the privilege to experience for the rest of my days. I would thank her for that.”

You cannot stop looking. You keep gazing and gazing. In truth, you don’t think you ever stopped ever since you came back from that one healing trip from your town years ago. You kept gaping. Kept falling — again and continuously.

And he’s still beautiful. Still the same mesmerising entity you once married. The same bright smile, still somehow youthful, blindingly lovely when he gives you one even now.

You and me, in every damn life.

Fingers brush his hair back, and you ask, “How could you ever doubt your kindness?”

And in response, he kisses your forehead, “I don’t anymore, I don’t think.”

You beam back at him. Hook your arm with his, settling your tired head on his chest. You hear his heart underneath, like a lullaby with a steady rhythm, and wait for the children to grow fatigued enough to go to bed.

And after that, he’ll carry you to your room, you foresee it already. Will let you fall into feathery, tranquil dreams.

Then again, perhaps you don’t need to wait for any of it. Don’t ever need a slumber for it.

Because you already live in a dream. And you are one, too.

okayyyyy. i don't cry a lot irl at all, but i'm so weak when it comes to these characters. crazy that their story is finished (once again), but i truly hope you guys will remember them for as long as you can. i know some of you grew to love them a lot and i am so, so thankful, truly. 🤍

if you can, please do let me know what you think! i shall answer everything bc it makes me giddy af anyway lol so do give this a like, a reblog and leave a comment, and talk to me about it!! <3 see you with more taegularities shenanigans soon mwah

[astrolook]

Saturn in Pisces: Who's Swimming and Who's Sinking?

Note: These are all my personal observations and patterns I've noticed through the years reading charts and calculating transits. Not one placement or the houses Saturn aspects are enough to analyze how it would turn out for you. This is based on Vedic/Sidereal Astrology. Lemme know in the comments how Saturn is playing out to you!

Saturn entered Pisces on March 29, 2025.

Saturn starts moving retrograde in Pisces on 13th Jul, 2025.

Saturn starts moving forward in Pisces on 28th Nov, 2025.

Saturn starts moving retrograde in Pisces on 27th Jul, 2026.

Let's focus on from now to late July, 2026.

Before that, Saturn aspects

3rd house from itself (mild influence, but significant for effort and discipline)

7th house from itself (standard aspect like other planets)

10th house from itself (strongest and most powerful aspect)

For Aries Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 12th house and be aspecting 2H, 6H and 9H. Expect lessons around letting go, foreign lands, expenses, and possibly even your sleep cycle asking for a manager. Stay away from legal troubles and take care of your health as it can bring expenses related to medical bills. Aspecting 2H means budgeting becomes your love language. Aspecting 6H means your work ethic is getting a full audit, no shortcuts and no snooze buttons. Round 56 and more as Saturn watches how you manage stress, debt or deadlines. Aspecting 9H means Saturn is side-eyeing those casual philosophies you picked up on Instagram/Internet. Time to find deeper truths.

For Taurus Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 11th house and aspects 1H,5H and 8H. Social circle is under construction. No more freeloaders, only future collaborators. Delayed but built to last. Might feel lonely during retrogression. Aspecting 1H means reality check and slow glow-up and learning self-worth isn't built overnight with material goods or stubbornness. Aspecting 5H means less fun, more productivity. Dating feels restricted as Saturn wants you to focus on your passions which might actually lead to something. Aspecting 8th house means it's time to face your fears and grow up. It's not fun though but transformational. Also read any NDAs or documents before signing and about investments else you'll regret later.

For Gemini Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 10th house and aspects 12H, 4H and 7H. Saturn is your boss now. He can either fire you and get you unemployed or if you do listen to his advice, he'll make you build your career for real and stable. Aspecting 12H means it's time to clean your emotional junk wardrobe. Weird dreams. Aspecting 4H means finally addressing the family dynamics by either improving it or letting go. May involve moving or renovating. Aspecting 7H means commitment is a theme. If it’s shallow, it’ll crack. If it’s real, it’ll strengthen. If single, could attract a serious, mature partner.

For Cancer Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 9th house and aspects 11H, 3H and 6H. Trust the universe is cool but but Saturn’s asking if you’ve read the fine print. Long-distance travel, legal matters, or education might feel slow but they’re shaping your higher purpose. Aspecting 11H means friendships and aspirations are getting a loyalty check. Saturn doesn’t care if someone’s fun at brunch, do they show up when it counts? You might prune your circle, but what’s left will be solid gold. Aspecting 3H means you should think twice before texting/talking. Skills = Power now. Learning new things. Aspecting 6H means finding discipline in the mundane and face your frenemy at work/college/school. Health issues to the father.

For Leo Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 8th house and aspects 10H, 2H and 5H. Saturn’s not here to party, it’s here to purge. You’ll come out stronger, but not without shedding a few layers (and maybe a financial illusion or two). Aspecting 10H means you're here to step up, not to show off. Less spotlight, more strategy. Boss moves only, no shortcuts allowed. Aspecting 2H means your income may stabilize or destabilize and tests your self-worth along the way. Invest in things and people that actually lasts. Aspecting 5H means passion with purpose and love gets serious but fun might require a calendar invite. Inner child/kids need to grow up.

For Virgo Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 7th house and aspects 9H, 1H and 4H. "Either grow up or get out" energy. Saturn wants long-term commitment. Tests your relationship, either survive this else Saturn will break it. Marriage/LTR is possible with a serious and mature partner. Aspecting 9H means your worldview is being audited. Time to make your daydreams come true in real life. Good time to move far away for career/education. Aspecting 1H means being Responsible with a capital R. Saturn's here to make you emotionally mature with a ''main character'' energy. Establishing boundaries and building serious reputation too. Aspecting 4H means family dynamics may feel heavier or you might even become the bread winner of the family. Might involve home improvement or moving away with family.

For Libra Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 6th house and aspects 8H, 12H and 3H. Saturn is now your personal trainer, life coach, and micromanaging boss rolled into one. Your daily routines, health habits, and work ethic are up for review. It’s less about balance and more about boundaries. Lazy patterns are getting evicted. Aspecting 8H means it's time to get real about your emotional baggage and bank accounts. expect deep healing, financial restructuring, and maybe one or two “shadow work” moments. Aspecting 12H means Saturn's asking you to deal with what you’ve been avoiding. Expect moments of mental breakdowns and get ready for a powerful detox session. Your dreams, thoughts, your screen time are all talking to you now. Aspecting 3H means only serious talks and words that carry weight. Sibling relationships gets either serious and stable or cutting off ties.

For Scorpio Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 5th house and aspects 7H, 11H and 2H. Saturn is your strictest teacher now. No more scribbles, think long-term projects and actual deadlines. This is where love, art, and pleasure go from spontaneous to sustainable. Oh, and parenting is a responsibility. Aspecting 7H means relationships if it’s shallow, it may fade. If it’s built on trust and effort? You’re in it for the long haul. If single, signals a potential love partner which can lead to marriage/LTR. Aspecting 11H means your network and friendships are being refined for alignment, not popularity. Dream big but plain like an accountant. Aspecting 2H means possible financial losses and regrets over past investments/partnerships. Saturn says: earn it, own it, and don’t waste it.

For Sagittarius Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 4th house and aspects 6H, 10H and 1H. Saturn is checking for family cracks. This could bring moves, renovations, or just a karmic deep-clean of your past. Emotional maturity is non-negotiable under Saturn's Terms and Conditions. Aspecting 6H means work might feel heavier but you'll learn to manage it like a pro. Adulting required and it's advisable to stay healthy and get annual checkups. Aspecting 10H means your professional life is under construction and better be serious about your legacy. Promotions come with pressure, but if you’re willing to work smart, the rewards are long-term and legit. Aspecting 1H means saturn's giving your identity a karmic polish. It's not about reinvention, it's about refinement.

For Capricorn Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 3rd house and aspects 5H, 9H and 12H. Your mind is now under Saturn’s syllabus. Communication, learning, writing, siblings, short trips are all getting structured, sharpened, and stripped of fluff. No more mental multitasking or hot takes as Saturn’s here for deep thoughts and meaningful words + sibling accountability. Aspecting 5H means your idea of fun is evolving. Passion needs a plan. Casual flings or such are a no-no. Aspecting 9H means your personal philosophies and beliefs go through a karmic cleanse. Saturn asks you to prove it, live it and practice it. Long-distance travel, studies, or legal matters may require more effort. Aspecting 12H means old fears, hidden / destructive habits, and spiritual baggage are getting reviewed. Some things (or people) may need to go.

For Aquarius Rising, Saturn will be transiting your 2nd house and aspects 4H, 8H and 11H. Expect slow but steady income growth if you're playing the long game. Also: if you’ve been outsourcing self-worth to your paycheck, Saturn’s gonna call that bluff. Good time for investments. Aspecting your 4H means emotional security can’t be borrowed and it’s gotta be built. Saturn may bring responsibilities at home or with family, but also the chance to finally feel grounded. Aspecting 8H means Saturn’s putting structure around how you share and what you hide. You may not like being vulnerable, but guess what? That’s the assignment. Aspecting 11H means you might outgrow your circle and the ones left are solid. Saturn’s teaching you that your community should support your growth, not distract from it.

For Pisces Rising, Saturn will be transiting your ascendant and aspects 3H, 7H and 10H. Your glow-up isn't aesthetic, it's existential. Stepping into a whole new version of yourself in the end that's built to last. Boundaries are now your best friends. No more people-pleasing, no more drifting. This is your "main character" arc. Aspecting 3H means every word, post, and thought is getting filtered through Saturn’s “is this necessary?” test. Expect to daydream less and say more. Sharp mental focus. Aspecting 7H means relationships if it’s flaky, Saturn flakes it out. You’re craving grounded, mature connection and marriage/LTR is serious commitment built on structure not hopes and dreamy vibes. Aspecting 10H means Saturn's your publicist now to reshape your public persona. Career progress may be slow/fluctuating, but when it hits, it’s solid. Legacy moves only.

Wanna go deeper into the layers of your placements? DM me for a complete astrology reading or a 5 year/8 year marriage report or synastry reading🌙💬 and check out my pinned post for pricing + details 💫💸

Let’s decode your cosmic chaos together ⭐

[cowboyemeritus]

i do love how we're collectively characterizing perpetua (for the time being) as the quiet type BUT i think he should make up for it by being an avid sexter

You've just barely dozed off when your phone pings. You recognize Perpetua's text tone and perk up immediately, reaching for the device on your night stand. The screen comes on, washing you in blinding light, and you grimace. That's not going to disrupt your sleep cycle at all. Definitely not.

Hope you're not asleep yet.

You smile to yourself. It's a little more eloquent than a "u up?," but you know the intent is the same.

i was close

i'd much rather be talking to you tho

The blood is pumping now. No way you're falling asleep any time soon.

You flatter me, darling.

Already, your room feels stiflingly hot. You kick off your comforter, putting your next attack into motion.

figured i could stroke your ego in lieu of something else ;)

He starts typing, stops for a moment, and then starts again.

Straight to the point.

I like that about you.

You roll onto your stomach, kicking your feet. He's so reserved in person, so it's exciting, exotic, when he gets like this.

oh yeah? what else do you like about me?

What is he doing right now? Is he in bed, like you? Maybe he's fresh out of the shower, stripped of his mask and paints, clad in nothing but a towel. Maybe he's completely naked. The thought makes your mouth water.

Definitely your humility.

You chuckle, rolling your eyes.

That beautiful body is a close second, though.

Heat rises to your cheeks. You twist your legs together, the slight pressure sending a tremor down your spine. Wetness is gathering at your center already.

i've been told i've got some nice ankles

You couldn't resist. It brings you joy, pushing his buttons like this.

You think you're so funny.

i'm hilarious >:)

You should know better than to tease your new leader.

Ah, so he's pulling rank. You're in for a treat.

what are you gonna do about it, Your Dark Excellence? throw me in the dungeon? sic your ghouls on me?

You would just love that, wouldn't you?

they like to fuck, right?

He spends a prolonged period of time typing, and for a moment you worry you've put him off.

Like the animals they are, but they know you're mine.

It makes your heart throb and your pussy flutter at the same time. A devious idea pops into your brain. You peel off your baggy t-shirt, push your breasts together, and quickly snap a picture. Biting your lip, you press send.

you're right. all this is yours, papa

For a solid minute, there are no signs of life from Perpetua. It fills you with a smug satisfaction, knowing a simple titty pic can affect him so dramatically. He talks a big game, but at the end of the day, he's as weak for you as you are for him.

Just look at what you've done.

You lick your lips when the picture appears on screen. He's got his cock in hand, fully erect and flushed the prettiest shade of pink. The foreskin is completely pulled back, revealing the full bell shape of the tip, a bead of precum, like a pearl, oozing from it. Recalling the taste of him, you clench your thighs together, feeling your heartbeat between them.

fuck it looks so good

i wanna suck you off so bad

With the mental image of those silver claws twisting into your hair, your hand slinks downwards, creeping into your underwear. You quickly find your clit, drawing slow, lazy circles around it. You're in no hurry to finish this, not when it's just getting good.

You would do anything for it.

You've already done a few heinous things for dick, and he knows that.

pretty much

I bet you're fucking soaked just thinking about my cock in your mouth.

Seeing his composure start to slip, you grin, chewing on the inside of your cheek. You eye the time, tempted to take this further. It's fucking late though, already close to midnight, and you need to be up at 6:00 tomorrow morning.

The temptation is too great. Fuck work.

you know

i'm just down the hall

you could come find out

There's a pause. He's considering it. You hold your breath when it shows that he's typing again.

Be there in 5.

[jewelleria]

I don’t usually talk about politics on here, if ever. But it’s been almost six months since the conflict in the Middle East flared up again, and I’m finally ready to start. Here are some of my thoughts.

I say ‘flared up’ because this has happened before and it’ll happen again. Because, even though what's currently going on is absolutely unprecedented, those of us who live in this part of the world are used to it. Let that sink in: we are used to this. And we shouldn’t have to be. 

But I use that term for another reason: I don't want to accidentally call it the wrong thing lest I come under fire for being a genocidal maniac or a terrorist or a propaganda machine, etc., etc.—so let’s just call it ‘the war’ or ‘the conflict.’ Because that’s what it is. Doesn’t matter which side you’re on, who you love, or who you hate. 

This post will, in all likelihood, sit in my drafts forever. If it does get posted, it certainly won’t be on my main, because I'm scared of being harassed (spoiler: she posted it on her main). I hate admitting that, but honestly? I’m fucking terrified. 

I also feel like in order for anything I say on here (i.e. the hellscape of the internet) to be taken seriously, I have to somehow prove that a) I’m “educated” enough to talk about the conflict, and b) that my opinion lines up with what has been deemed the correct one. So, tedious and unnecessary though it is, I will tell you about my experience, because I have a feeling most of the people reading this post are not nearly as close to what’s happening as I am.

How do I explain where I live without actually explaining where I live? How do I say “I live in the Red Zone of international conflicts” without saying what I actually think? How do I convey the fear that grips me when I try to decide between saying “I live in Palestine” and “I live in Israel”? I don't really know. But I do know that names are important. I also know that, due to the various clickbaity monikers ascribed to the conflict, it would probably just be easier to point to a map. 

I haven't always lived in the Middle East. I've lived in various places along America’s east coast, and traveled all over the world. But in short, I now live somewhere inside the crudely-drawn purple circle. 

If you know anything about these borders you probably blanched a bit in sympathy, or maybe condolence. But in truth, it’s a shockingly normal existence. I don't feel like I've lived through the shifting of international relations or a war or anything. I just kind of feel like I did when COVID hit, that dull sameness as I wondered if this would be the only world-altering event to shape my life, or if there would be more. 

I've been told that, in order for my brain to process all the horrific details of the past six months, there needs to be some element of cognitive dissonance—that falling into a sort of dissociative mindset is the only way to not go insane under the weight of it all. I think in some ways that’s true. I have been terrifyingly close to bus stop shootings when my commute wasn’t over; I have felt my apartment building shake with the reverberations of a missile strike; I have spent hours in underground shelters waiting for air raid sirens to stop. 

But. I have also gone grocery shopping, and skipped class, and stayed up too late watching TV, and fed the cats on the street corner, and cried over a boy, and got myself AirPods just because, and taken out the trash, and done laundry on a delicate cycle, and bought overpriced lattes one too many days a week. I have looked at pretty things and taken out my phone because, despite it all, I still think that life is too short not to freeze the small moments. 

So I'd say, all things considered, I live an incredibly privileged life—compared, of course, to those suffering in Gaza—one filled with sunsets and over-sweetened knafeh and every different color of sand. One that allows me to throw myself into a fandom-induced hyperfixation (or, alternatively, escape method) as I sit on the couch and crack open my laptop to write the next chapter of the fic I'm working on. 

But there are bits of not-normalness that wheedle their way through the cracks. I pretend these moments are avoidable, even if they’re not. 

They look like this: reading the news and seeing another idiotic, careless choice on Netanyahu’s part and groaning into my morning coffee. Watching Palestinian and Jewish children’s needless suffering posted on Instagram reels and feeling helpless. Opening my Tumblr DMs to find a message telling me to exterminate myself for reblogging a post that only seems like it’s about the war if you squint and tilt your head sideways. 

These moments look like all the tiny ways I am reminded that I'm living in a post-October seventh world, where hearing a car backfire makes me jump out of my skin and the sound of a suitcase on pavement makes me look up at the sky and search for the war planes. They look like the heavy grief that is, and also isn’t, mine. 

Here's the thing, though. I know you’re wondering when the ball will drop and my true opinion will be revealed. I know you’re waiting for me to reveal what demographic I'm a part of so that you, dear reader, can neatly slap a label on my head and sort me into some oversimplified category that lets you continue to think you understand this war. 

No one wants to sit and ruminate on the difficult questions, the ones that make you wonder if maybe you’ve been tinkered with by the propaganda machine, if you might need to go back on what you’ve said or change your mind. We all strive for our perception of complicated issues to be a comfortable one.

But I know that no matter what I do, there will always be assumptions. So, while I shudder to reveal this information online, I think that maybe my most significant contribution to this meta-discussion spanning every facet of the internet is this: 

I am a Jew. 

Or, alternatively, I am: Jewish, יהודית, يَهُودِيٌّ, etc. Point is, I come from Jews. And, like any given person, I am a product of generation after generation of love. 

I'm not going to take time to explain my heritage to you, or to prove that before all the expulsions and pogroms, there was an origin point. If you don’t believe that, perhaps it’s less of a factual problem and more of an ‘I don’t give weight to the beliefs of indigenous people’ problem. But, in case you want to spend time uselessly refuting this tiny point in a larger argument, you can inspect the photos below (it’s just a small chunk of my DNA test results). Alternatively, you can remember that interrogating someone in an attempt to make their indigeneity match your arbitrary criteria is generally not seen as good manners. 

Now, let’s go back to thathateful message (read: poorly disguised death threat) I received in my Tumblr DMs. I think it was like two or three weeks ago. I had recently gained a new follower whose blog’s primary focus was the fandom I contribute to, so I followed them back. I saw in my notes that they were going through my posts and liking them—as one does when gaining a new mutual. Yippee! 

Then they sent me this: 

I tried to explain that hate speech is not a way to go about participating in political discourse, but the person had already blocked me immediately after sending that message. Then, assured by the fact that I surely would never see them complaining about me on their blog (because, as I said, they blocked me), they posted a shouting rant accusing me of sympathizing with colonizing settlers and declaring me a “racist Zionist fuck.” Oh, the wonders of incognito tabs.

Where this person drew these conclusions after reading my (reblogged) post about antisemitism…. I'm not actually sure. But I greatly sympathize with them, and hope that they weren’t too personally offended by my desire to not die. 

For a while I contemplated this experience in my righteous anger, and tried to figure out a way to message this person. I wanted to explain that a) seeing a post about being Jewish and choosing to harass the creator about Israel is literally the definition of antisemitism and b) that sending a hateful DM and refusing to be held accountable is just childish and immature. But I gave up soon after—because, honestly, I knew it wasn’t worth my effort or energy. And I knew that I wouldn't be able to change their mind. 

But I still remember staring at that rather unfortunate meme, accompanied by an all-caps message demanding for me to Free Palestine, and thinking: the post didn’t even have any buzzwords. I remember the swoop of dread and guilt and fear. I remember wondering why this kind of antisemitism felt worse, in that moment, than the kind that leaves bodies in its wake. 

I remember thinking, I don’t have the power to free anyone.

I remember thinking, I’m so fucking tired. 

And before you tell me that this conflict isn’t about religion—let me ask you some questions. Why is it that Israel is even called Israel? (Here’s why.) Why do Jews even want it? (Here’s why.) But also, if you actually read the charters of Islamist terrorist organizations like ISIS, Hamas, and Hezbollah (among others), they equate the modern state of Israel with the Jewish people, and they use the two entities interchangeably. So of course this conflict is religious. It’s never been anything but that.

But I do wonder, when faced with those who deny this fact: how do I prove, through an endless slew of what-about-isms and victim blaming, that I too am hurting? How do I show that empathy is dialectical, that I can care deeply for Palestinians and Gazans while also grieving my own people? 

There's this thing that humans do, when we’re frustrated about politics and need to howl our opinions about it into the void until we feel better. We find like-minded souls, usually our friends and neighbors, and fret about the state of the world to each other until we’ve gone around in a satisfactory amount of circles. But these conversations never truly accomplish anything. They’re just a substitute, a stand-in catharsis, for what we really wish we could do: find someone who embodies the spirit of every Jew-hating internet troll, every ignorant justifier of terrorism, and scream ourselves hoarse at them until we change their mind.

But, of course, minds cannot be changed when they are determined to live in a state of irrational dislike. In Judaism, this way of thinking has a name: שנאת חינם (sinat hinam), or baseless hatred. It's a parasite with no definite cure, and it makes people bend over backwards to justify things like the massacre on October seventh, simply because the blame always needs to be placed on the Jews. 

So when a Jew is faced with this unsolvable problem, there is only one response to be had, only one feeling to be felt: anger. And we are angry. Carrying around rage with nowhere to put it is exhausting. It's like a weight at the base of our neck that pushes down on our spine, bending it until we will inevitably snap under the pressure. I’m still waiting to break, even now.

I wish I could explain to someone who needs to hear it that terrorism against Israelis happens every single day here, and that we are never more than one degree of separation away from the brutal slaughter of a friend, lover, parent, sibling. I wish it would be enough to say that the majority of Israelis (which includes Arab-Israeli citizens who have the exact same rights as Jewish-Israelis) wish for peace every day without ever having seen what it looks like. 

I wish I could show the world that Israel was founded as a socialist state, that it was built on communal values and born from a cluster of kibbutzim (small farming communities based on collective responsibility), and that what it is now isn’t what its people stand for. 

I wish the world could open their eyes to what we Israelis have seen since the beginning: that Hamas is the enemy, Hamas is the one starving Palestinians and denying them aid, Hamas is the one who keeps rejecting ceasefire terms and denying their citizens basic human rights. Hamas is the governing body of Gaza, not Israel. Hamas is responsible for the wellbeing of the Palestinian people. And Hamas are the ones who are more determined to murder Jews—over and over and over again, in the most animalistic ways possible—than to look inwards and see the suffering they’ve inflicted on their own people. I wish it was easier to see that.

But the wishing, the asking how can people be so blind, is never enough. I can never just say, I promise I don't want war. 

When I bear witness to this baseless hatred, I think of the victims of October seventh. I think of the women and girls who were raped and then murdered, forever unable to tell their stories. I think of the hostages, trapped underneath Gaza in dark tunnels, wondering if anyone will come for them. I think of Ori Ansbacher, of Ezra Schwartz, of Eyal, Gilad, and Naftali, of Lucy, Rina, and Maia Dee, of the Paley boys, of Ari Fuld and of Nachshon Wachsman. I think of all the innocent blood spilled because of terror-fueled hatred and the virus of antisemitism. I think of all the thousands of people who were brutally murdered in Israel, Jews and Muslims and Christians and humans, who will never see peace.

My ties to this land are knotted a thousand times over. Even when I leave, a part of me is left behind, waiting for me to claim it when I return. But when I see the grit it takes to live through this pain, when I see the suffering that paints the world the color of blood, I look to the heavens and I wonder why. 

I ask God: is it worth all this? He doesn't answer. So I am the one, in the end, to answer my own question. I say, it has to be. 

Feel free to send any genuine, respectful, and clarifying questions you may have to my inbox!

EDIT: just coming on here to say that I'm really touched & grateful for the love on this post. When I wrote it, I felt hopeless; I logged off of Tumblr for Shabbat, dreading the moment I would turn off my phone to find more hate in my inbox. Granted, I did find some, and responding to it was exhausting, but it wasn’t all hate. I read every kind reblog and comment, and the love was so much louder. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 🤍

Source Reading

The Whispered in Gaza Project by The Center for Peace Communications

Why Jews Cannot Stop Shaking Right Now by Dara Horn

Hamas Kidnapped My Father for Refusing to Be Their Puppet by Ala Mohammed Mushtaha

I Hope Someone Somewhere Is Being Kind to My Boy by Rachel Goldberg

The Struggle for Black Freedom Has Nothing to Do with Israel by Coleman Hughes

Israel Can Defend Itself and Uphold Its Values by The New York Times Editorial Board

There Is a Jewish Hope for Palestinian Liberation. It Must Survive by Peter Beinart

The Long Wait of the Hostages’ Families by Ruth Margalit

“By Any Means Necessary”: Hamas, Iran, and the Left by Armin Navabi

When People Tell You Who They Are, Believe Them by Bari Weiss

Hunger in Gaza: Blame Hamas, Not Israel by Yvette Miller

Benjamin Netanyahu Is Israel’s Worst Prime Minister Ever by Anshel Pfeffer

What Palestinians Really Think of Hamas by Amaney A. Jamal and Michael Robbins

The Decolonization Narrative Is Dangerous and False by Simon Sebag Montefiore

Understanding Hamas’s Genocidal Ideology by Bruce Hoffman

The Wisdom of Hamas by Matti Friedman

How the UN Discriminates Against Israel by Dina Rovner

This Muslim Israeli Woman Is the Future of the Middle East by The Free Press

Why Are Feminists Silent on Rape and Murder? by Bari Weiss

[sailingintothenight]

“Love now, forever.” Bob Reynolds Imagine.

Summary: On a peaceful night between calm breaths, and a kiss before you fall asleep, Bob dares to ask you the question that has been on his mind for a while.

A/N: Don't give me any time cause I could write thousands and thousands of words about this sweet baby until I bore you all, so instead I'm leaving you this short, cheesy imagine I wrote some weeks ago. Hope you like it and excuse my bad English, please. Thank you.

The main lights are off, replaced only by the lamp on one side of the bed shedding a dark red one. The room is dark red and the world quiet. His extended arm is your pillow, a nest for your head. Bob’s chin rests on your shoulder, the bluest of his eyes filming the profile of your face. The tip of your nose, the shape of your soft lips, and the star twinkling in your eye as the two of you dive into the silence.

Love is gentle. Like his hand drawing circles on your stomach, and under your loose sweatshirt, it’s warm, it tickles you, and it makes you flex your muscles with intoxicating nerves.

Before, for Bob, there were endless nights wondering if it will ever get better? Life.

The emptiness in his uncomfortable mattress, laying in the same position, counting the non–existent cracks in the perfect ceiling in that facility. Insomnia, alert all the time, waiting still for the screams from the other side of the door and everything that brought, even if the perpetrator of his pain as a kid became a ghost a long time ago. Memories of his desecrated childhood, they turned into nightmares in his failed attempts to fall asleep, alone, until eventually boredom and tiredness forced Bob to close his eyes, only to then repeat the cycle in which he lived for many years.

But now, love exists, and is always gentle with him.

Like the way you look at him when you turn around, with eyes full of affection, of love, as if he were a real person after having been just another object in a laboratory with empty walls. Your hand flexed up, reaching his face to caress his rosy cheek. Bob smiles softly, with a tired gaze because it's past 1 in the morning, but always deep—and light at the same time, just happy—because Bob understands that love makes him feel lighter than a feather, and not as if he was made of lead while drowning into the sea.

Finally, his heart is at peace, because you are there, next to him, alive, a person destined to find him, for him not to be alone never again.

Only a slight incline separates you two, the perfect distance of a kiss away. You read that somewhere.

Then, you move forward, gentle, his lips pursing softly to welcome yours. Bob expects a kiss every time he sees you, he hopes for it every minute of the day: when he wakes up, when he goes to sleep, and all the hours in between. And like that child who hugs his stuffed animal to his chest, determined never to let it go, he holds you in his arms, his nose brushing yours, earning a tired, soft chuckle from you that vibrates in his chest as you close your eyes.

There's always a bedtime story from your childhood before you two fall sleep, endless stories he's collected in his memory, moments he'd like to see with his own eyes, but at the same time, Bob wants nothing but to able to stop time in this new, better present to remain by your side, all night or a lifetime.

Right there, and for a while now, Bob finds himself wishing that forever with you, craving it so desperately he could feel it in his bones and flesh.

Would you say yes?

Walker calls you Mrs. Reynolds, his voice thick with mockery. But hidden among the sarcasm, John does that to nudge Bob to stop him from being so afraid to ask.

He was not a visionary, lacking the strength to project a future when his past was too heavy and saying tomorrow felt uncertain, so Bob always lingered in the void, with the inclement air conditioning of that secret place where he was blowing cold, like a blizzard determined to freeze his empty body. But now, (although it’s still scary to lose you somehow, terrifying) it’s worse for him not to live by your side, a full life this time, like never before. Bob never thought about being someone’s something after hearing that he was nothing for so long, and now, he just wants to ask you if you want to marry him.

He just wants to be your husband so badly, almost greedily.

Alone, the world seemed fractured, but with a glance from his person, a touch of your hand, a laugh, a word, a kiss, he rebuilt himself until he felt whole again. Bob is not perfect, he knows, half–healed and still with a long way to go, but now the desire to live in the present is latent, vibrant, and Bob wanted it so much that he managed to take that desired and transform it into peace, making his nightmares disappear when he went to bed with you.

Love worked like that, because love is peace, and you are that love.

“Darling?”

Bob pulls away slightly, just enough to see your peaceful expression—eyes closed, relaxed, a calm breath.

“Uh?”

The sound between your closed lips is low but kind of pitchy, affectionate. You are far away, yet, somehow, you always linger close, present, and that small act has him smiling. Bob wants it all: the ring on your finger, his last name being yours too, so that it finally takes value and means something to him—and because it sounds just perfect next to your beautiful name—the pride he will feel knowing you two are married.

"Will you marry me?"

Bob swallows his fear, which inevitably closes his throat, remaining in the same position, breathing slowly so as not to faint while waiting.

But the wait that seems like a lifetime only lasts one, two seconds.

"Of course."

Your lips barely part, but the words are clear and concise, an answer to his nightly, silent prayers.

His expression falters with the overwhelming emotions that come to him, all at once, but stronger than ever, Bob breathes a nervous smile as he cradles you in his arms and feels yours around him, knowing that eventually, faster than he thinks, his fears will go away until there is nothing left but love and happiness.

[anon-188]

mini series: wicked games 🥀 — epilogue

pairing: AJ x f!reader

series summary: it was supposed to be simple. no feelings. no fallout. but when tempers flare and lines blur, simple turns dangerous fast. because AJ plays just as dirty outside the bedroom as he does in it—and you? you’re not afraid to match him move for move.

warnings: explicit content (18+), strong language, drunk!AJ, emotional vulnerability, unresolved relationship tension, soft angst, mild physical intimacy, confessions, hurt/comfort, mentions of alcohol use.

a/n: here’s the final part!! 😭 writing this one hurt in the best possible way. ughhh. i really hope you guys like it! ♡

also—thank you so much for reading and for all the love on this mini-series!!! it truly means the world to me 🫶

⟢ wicked games 🥀: part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 

The next few weeks passed in that strange, disorienting way where time felt both impossibly slow and unfairly fast. You hadn’t spoken to AJ since that night, and didn’t expect to. Still, the two of you moved in the same circle, brushing against the same air, sharing the same rooms. But even then, his eyes never met yours. And it wasn’t like before, when he avoided you out of pride or spite. This time, it felt different. Like looking at you would undo something in him. 

Tonight, you left the bar early again, mumbling to Lili that you had a morning to get ready for. She didn’t question it. No one really did anymore. You’d been using that excuse all month, cycling through it like clockwork. And you weren’t ready to stop. Not while he still lingered in your space—in your mind. 

As the night stretched on, you found yourself curled up on your couch, wearing an oversized shirt and a pair of soft shorts. One of your favorite shows played on the TV, the volume low, more for background noise than anything else. You weren’t really watching—just letting it fill the silence, as if that could soften the way your chest tightened every time the quiet got too loud.

You were drifting off, eyes heavy, when a knock came at the door. It wasn’t loud but it was enough to pull you from the edge of sleep. You sat up, blinking yourself back into focus. A glance at your phone told you nothing. No messages. No missed calls. Nothing that would explain who was on the other side of the door.

Another knock. This time it was softer, almost hesitant.

You moved toward the door, sleep still lingering in your limbs. Your fingers grazed the frame for balance just as your hip clipped the side table. A sharp clatter echoed through the room, loud enough to betray your presence. You cursed under your breath, and then—

“It’s me.”

His voice.

Low, familiar, frayed at the edges.

AJ.

You stood there for a moment, frozen, staring at the door. Part of you wanted to ignore it, pretend you didn’t hear. But your hand moved anyway, undoing the lock and turning the handle. The door creaked slightly as you pulled it back, and before you could even register what was happening, AJ stumbled forward—like he had been leaning against it the entire time.

You caught the movement fast, your hand instinctively twitching forward to catch him, but AJ managed to straighten up on his own—just barely. His weight shifted clumsily, and for a second, you thought he might topple again. Instead, he ended up sagging against the doorframe, one hand gripping it like it was the only thing keeping him upright.

That’s when you knew. He was drunk. Not just tipsy, not a few-drinks-in kind of drunk. He was hammered.

“I didn’t think you were gonna answer,” he mumbled, the words hardly clinging to shape.

You opened your mouth to ask what he was doing here, what possessed him to show up like this—but he fell forward again. His body tilting too fast and this time, he didn’t catch himself.

You did. 

“Hey,” you said, arms bracing him as your breath hitched, trying to steady him. It didn’t do much. He was heavy, too tall, and clearly out of it.

This wasn’t what you expected. Not even close. But instinct took over, and without a word, you helped him to the couch, kicking the door shut behind you. With each unsteady step, you adjusted his weight, shifting the arm draped over your shoulders.

Whatever was or wasn’t going on between you didn’t matter—not with him like this.

When you got him to the couch, he let himself fall into it like the night had finally caught up with him. His elbows braced on his knees for a second, head hanging low before he finally sat back. It wasn’t anything dramatic, only a small, exhausted lean, his head tipping back against the top of the couch as he closed his eyes.

“Hey,” you said, tone gentler now. “How much did you drink?”

You weren’t accusing him, just trying to gauge where he was. AJ could handle his liquor better than most, but this was different. His movements were slower, sloppier. 

He turned his head towards your voice, eyes still shut. “I don’t know,” he muttered, almost too strained like he had to force it out. 

That’s when you saw them—his keys, clutched loosely in one hand.

Your heart dropped a little. “Please tell me you walked here,” you said, already reaching to take them from him. “You didn’t drive, right?”

He let them go without a fight, head lolling slightly as he gave a lazy chuckle. “I’m drunk, not stupid.”

“Debatable,” you said, the response slipping out faster than you could stop it.

That made him laugh again. And for the first time all night, his eyes found yours. The look that passed between you wasn’t clear, but it was something. Something that made it hard to look away.

Everything inside you pulled taut again.

“I’ll, um… I’ll get you some water,” you said, your voice breathy and light. You started to turn, trying to give yourself space, distance, air. But before you could take a full step, his fingers closed around your wrist. Not hard, not rough, but firm. Steady.

He tugged, catching you off guard as he sat up straighter. Your feet scrambled, balance slipping, and he used the momentum to pull you in until you landed in his lap.

You straddled him, knees awkwardly braced against the couch cushions, hands on his shoulders—the only thing keeping you from fully crashing into him.

“AJ,” you breathed out, heart hammering in your chest as his hands settled on your hips.

His grip didn’t tighten, but it didn’t loosen either. He just sat there, looking up at you like he hadn’t really thought it through—like his body had moved before his brain caught up.

But the way his thumbs brushed over your waist? That didn’t feel accidental. It felt like memory. Like longing.

You swallowed hard, breath shallow. 

This had to be the alcohol. It had to be.

“You need water. And then I can drive you home,” you said, trying to get whatever this was back on track. Your voice was calm, careful, like speaking too loud might tip the moment into something you couldn’t come back from.

But he shook his head. Slow. Stubborn. “I want to be here,” he murmured, leaning forward until his forehead pressed against your shoulder. 

“Please.”

It was one word, but it landed heavy.

You didn’t move. Didn’t even know what to say—not that it mattered. Because once AJ opened that door, whatever was behind it came spilling out, like he didn’t know how to stop it anymore.

“I’m sorry,” he said, breath warm against your skin as he turned slightly, his mouth near your neck now. “For everything.”

You felt his fingers twitch just barely at your sides, but you stayed still—your hands resting gently on his shoulders.

“I know I fucked up,” he said, lifting his head to look at you, eyes heavy with regret. 

“I shouldn’t have said any of that shit. I didn’t mean it, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry.”

Your breathing faltered, and you tried to keep it steady. Even. But your heartbeat only grew louder with every second you stayed in his lap.

You swallowed the knot in your throat, the words fighting to rise.

When you finally spoke, it was quiet, but clear.

“I just don’t understand why,” you said, eyes searching his face for something—anything—that would make it all make sense. “If there was something wrong… or even someone else… you could’ve just told me.”

That would’ve been easier. That kind of hurt had a name. A shape. You could have dealt with it. Would have.

But he didn’t let the thought hang. He shook his head firmly. “No,” he said, voice rough but sure.  “I haven’t been with anyone else. Not since you.”

The words hit you harder than you expected.

It was a confession. A real one. You could feel it in the way his grip on your hips tightened the smallest amount. Could hear it in his tone—how serious he suddenly was. How fast he wanted to shut that door before it could open.

Your lips parted, but the only thing that came was your next question, the one that had been clawing at the back of your mind for too long.

“Then why did you?” you asked.

Your voice was quieter now. Less fire, more ache. Because underneath everything, this was the only thing that mattered.

He paused, and you honestly thought that was it. That this was where the wall would go back up. You watched his face closely, waiting for the shutdown—eyes dropping, mouth tightening, the usual deflection.

But then—

He let out a breathy sound, something caught between a sigh and a laugh. It was quiet, hollow around the edges, and his gaze dropped to the floor like he hated what he was about to say. He rubbed a hand over his face before finally looking back at you.

“There was this moment during the last job…” he started, voice deep and raspy, like this had been sitting on him for a while. “Your comms went out. I don’t know if it was signal, interference—whatever. Either way, I don’t even think you noticed."

Your brow furrowed, the memory slow to return. You remembered the static, the brief silence, but nothing that had felt urgent at the time.

“I thought something happened to you.” His eyes flicked away again, jaw tensing. “Just for a minute.”

He took another breath, slower this time, and when he looked at you again, his voice was softer. “Then I realized you had covered John. You moved out of position for him. Which… I mean, anyone would’ve done it. I know that. I do. And I should’ve just been glad you were okay.”

His words hung in the air, suspended like he didn’t want to say the rest out loud. And he didn’t have to.

“You were worried about me?” you asked, your voice low, careful.

“Yeah,” he said. Just that. But the way he swallowed hard after, the way his hands flexed slightly where they rested on your hips—it said the rest. Worried wasn’t even the beginning of it.

And that was when it clicked.

All of it.

The distance. The anger. The way he lashed out after the job, throwing around accusations that had no logic behind them. You’d thought he was being cold, jealous, careless. But that wasn’t it.

He’d been scared.

Terrified, in fact.

Because for one split second, when he lost your voice in his ear and couldn’t find you in the mess of it all, he thought you were hurt or worse. And when he saw where you’d gone—covering someone else, putting yourself in danger—it didn’t register as loyalty. It didn’t even register as bravery.

It just registered as loss.

You made him feel something too deep. Too real. And he didn’t know how to carry that.

That’s what this had always been about.

“I was a coward, I know,” he said, the words coming out thick. “Throwing insults like that, like it would undo anything. Like if I said enough bullshit, it would cover up what I really felt.”

He paused, his jaw flexing briefly. “It was wrong. I was wrong. And I’m sorry.”

Your chest tightened, the sting creeping in behind your eyes. You blinked fast, trying to will the tears back.

Then he spoke again.

“And to answer your question,” he said, voice lower now, rougher—like it scraped on the way out. “I didn’t take the money because… I—” He stopped, just for a breath, just long enough to find the words and force them forward.

“I can’t do that to you,” he said quietly. “I don’t want to take from you. That’s not who you are to me.”

And while it might’ve seemed simple on the surface, you knew it wasn’t.

You were takers. That was the life. That was the code. You took because it was what you did—what he’d done for years. AJ lived by it, breathed it, built his entire world around it. Hookups, heists—whatever served the mission or the moment. He took without hesitation, without apology. And he was good at it.

But now, he had drawn a line. 

And that line was you.

The tears came then.

Not all at once. Just one at first, slipping down your cheek in silence.

He leaned into you again, resting his head against your chest—tentative and cautious, like he wasn’t sure if he’d be allowed to stay there.

You didn’t stop him. Instead, your hand moved on instinct, fingers running gently through his hair.

For the first time in weeks, you believed him. Or at least… you wanted to.

But the other part of you, the bruised and bitter side, wasn’t done. That part of you wanted to know how much of this was real. How much would survive the alcohol, the night, the morning after.

Your fingers began to slow. Thoughts creeping back in, one after another, until the questions started stringing together. Too many of them. The kind without easy answers.

“Whatever it is, just ask,” he said, the edges of sleep and alcohol softening his voice. He didn’t even lift his head. Didn’t need to.

“How did you know—”

“You pause before you ask a question,” he murmured, breath steady against your skin. “Almost every time.”

That stopped you.

Even now—out of it, worn down to the bone—he could still read you. Still knew your pauses, your patterns, your tells. Always observant, to his core. And it twisted something deep inside you. Something that hadn’t gone quiet, no matter how hard you tried to silence it.

Because you knew him too. Just as well. Maybe better than he was ready to admit.

Your voice came quiet. “I want to believe you,” the words slipping out, unfiltered. Honest. Raw. “But you’re drunk. Very drunk at that. So how am I supposed to know that it’s real?”

He lifted his head from your chest, eyes settling on yours—steady, despite the haze that clung to him. His brows drew together slightly, and for a moment he just looked at you. Really looked at you, like he wanted to make sure you didn’t miss a single word of what came next.

“Then I’ll tell you again first thing in the morning,” he said, voice low, slurred at the edges but certain. “And a hundred times after that. However many times you need me to.”

You stared at him, unsure if the pounding in your chest was relief or fear or something else entirely.

Because all you saw was him—stripped down and bare in a way he rarely let himself be. No armor. No act. Just AJ, sitting there in front of you, asking for one more chance to be believed.

You wanted to give in. Let the doubts go. Pretend the past few weeks hadn’t happened—forget the silence, the fights, the way he made you feel like an afterthought. Erase every moment you spent wondering if you ever really mattered.

But you couldn’t do that. Not yet.

Not when the bruises he left weren’t gone. Not when the words he said still echoed in places you hadn’t even realized were tender.

So instead, you nodded—soft, gentle.

“I’ll hold you to that,” you whispered, voice warmer now as your fingers brushed lightly against his jaw.

His mouth twitched, the beginning of a smile tugging at the corner like that old smirk wanted to make an appearance. But even it seemed to know better. It faded before it could fully form.

And that was where you left it. Not forgiven. Not forgotten. But maybe—just maybe—a beginning.

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