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xtrablak674 · 7 months ago

Text

[Originally posted on my Livejournal, Saturday July 22, 2000 at 1:53 pm, unedited]

chatting with bluest - part 01

Trevorbrownart: oops

Trevorbrownart: had this buddy list closed

Trevorbrownart: whats his face was on this list....

Bluest0: ok. you got it

Trevorbrownart: even thought I took him off i still had it collapsed

Bluest0: ohhh what's his face

Trevorbrownart: yes whats his face

Bluest0: at least you have a what's his face

Bluest0: i haven't even ben interested in getting one in over a year

Trevorbrownart: i dont have a whats his face anymore

Trevorbrownart: thats over

Bluest0: i know, other fish in the sea, sharks in the water, guppies in the bowl

Trevorbrownart: i have cats.

i think i will stick to pussy

Bluest0: oh god!

Bluest0: why didn't you write another issue of Fashion FAG

Bluest0: i may start doing that 2 by the way

Bluest0: tired of men

Trevorbrownart: well there was the unpublished issue which was the last issue

Trevorbrownart: FFM is supposed to be online now

Bluest0: as partners that is... they lie to much when motivated by sex

Bluest0: i checked it out

Bluest0: i saw the story about you getting fired... interesting

Trevorbrownart: there a few new pieces, but not a consolidated issue

Trevorbrownart: yes that was an interesting story

Trevorbrownart: i have a lot more content from the offline version that I have not put on line yet

Bluest0: oh ok, did you finish the escort story?

Trevorbrownart: nope :)

Trevorbrownart: alot of people are pissed about that

Bluest0: i'm just mad ...

Trevorbrownart: i have to put the old installations on the web

Trevorbrownart: i dragged that story out very deliberately

Bluest0: i know you did... it's a good read and really interesting... and you're originally from Peekskill? how long in brooklyn

Trevorbrownart: well there were many stops before brooklyn

Trevorbrownart: bronx for 6 to 7 years

ithaca for 2 years

then to brooklyn

Trevorbrownart: and europe for 4 months

Bluest0: you lived in ITHACA ... ok, i can see Europe, do you have relatives in Ithaca, how did that happen.. where in Europe, i lived in Germany 2 years

Trevorbrownart: went to college in ithaca

Bluest0: perfect sense made

Bluest0: how do you expose so much of yourself on the web, i do occasionally, but then i take it back by deleting it.

Bluest0: or hiding it somewhere

Bluest0: don't know why i give a crap what people think, mostly i don't some i do

Trevorbrownart: no one knows its there unless they are lookig

Bluest0: and this is all under a false name, Bluest is from Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eyes

Bluest0: true

Trevorbrownart: but fashion fag magazine the offline version was just like that

Trevorbrownart: i called it a public diary

Trevorbrownart: unedited raw emotions

Trevorbrownart: for the public

Trevorbrownart: everyone knows who i am. i dont try to hide it

Trevorbrownart: trevorbrown online.com :)

Trevorbrownart: name is right there

Trevorbrownart: who would i be hiding from?

Trevorbrownart: myself?

Bluest0: that is a very good and free policy... good question

[Afterword: This is just the first part of the discussion that Bluest and I had, I thought I would break it up into smaller parts so I could reply to what was written a bit more succinctly.

As I did my yoga I remembered a couple of things that I failed to mention in my first draft, both Bluest and I based our screen names off of literary masters, her's Toni Morrison mines James Earl Hardy. I think perfect choices, hers a Black woman, mines a gay Black man, authors who reflect us as much as humanly possible and talk about issues relevant to our own identities.

Secondly, I am not sure if I ever went to visits Bluest's blog, I may have briefly back in the day, but I don't recall taking a vested interest in her writings as she was in mines. Now just because someone has an interest in your work doesn't mean you have to have a mutual attraction. Generally speaking I am usually interacting more with men than women on the internets and that has to do with my attraction to men, not a dislike of women. But true to her world Bluest has deleted her blog, so I can't even see what I was missing.

The thing that is first very amusing to me is I say "whats his face" and Bluest knows exactly who I am talking about, it was Tony who before we became friends I dated, yes spoilers.

I am looking back twenty-four years, but I think its important to stay cognitive of what happened later. All this turmoil between Tony and me lead to a friendship that lasted over a decade. It was surprising actually reviewing these old journal entries because that relationship seems so far away.

The question about Fashion Fag is a very relevant one, it speaks to a general trend with me and writing. I go through phases where I am hard core about it, then I go through cooling-off periods where I don't write a word. FFM was covering a lot of emotional material which as Bluest later says I was sharing very intimate items about myself in a very public forum, something that even to this day I don't really have much of an issue with.

Stories like Boys of Summer started more as click-bait, before that was a thing, I knew folks were very fascinated about my brief time as a sex-worker and I knew it would be interesting to recount those adventures while they were fresh in my head. But I only had two clients, one I didn't even perform with, it would have been a very anti-climatic end because there wasn't really more story other than the initial thrill.

There was also a surprise for me, I didn't realize I had written about the events around my short-lived dotcom job, so I would be interested in digging that up and taking a peek. This may mean pulling the files of the actual site to review the text.

My goddess this is so clearly before internet scamming was a big thing, we're talking about where I lived all my previous addresses, things that the identity thieves would love to know about. But to be clear this is Internet 1.0, before we began paving the way to H - E - Double Hockey Sticks.

I love how aware Bluest was of what she was doing at the time and how potentially exposing it could be, I had no such reservations at the time, and still now generally don't, albeit I attempt to be more discreet about personal details for all the aforementioned reasons.

My last question is a good one, who would I be hiding from? I have repeatedly called myself a truth-teller, this has been a theme throughout my life. I didn't just go around telling on other people, I started clearly with myself first. If you can't get to the root of who you are, and why you do the things that you do, how can you focus a lens on others?

My early writings and continued missives are always a journey of self-exploration and examination. I am a person who doesn't take themselves lightly, I have contemplated and considered most aspects of who I am, which is why I give heat to anyone who questions my agency. If I have explored the depths of my traumas and pains, who are you to come along and give me a five minute unsolicited analysis. I am open to those who come with genuine energy, but I will readily get someone all the way together if they are coming for me, especially if they haven't done an accounting of their own house.]

[Photo by Brown Estate]

#aol instant messenger #instant message #turn of the century #chat #chat transcipt #before texting #self reflection #emotional intelligence #emotional intimacy #journaling #keeping a diary #diary #digital diary #journal entry #honesty #honest writing

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openingpandorasbox1 · 2 years ago

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FROM DIARY TO BLOG

The one regret I have when keeping a diary is that I didn’t write dates down. I thought it was pointless since no one would read it. When I write in my diary, I write it either on the day or the next day so all events are still fresh in my mind, so everything is as precise as possible.

I’m a hoarder, I’ve got so much paperwork that I’ve kept over the years, books of diary entries, and lists that I’ve written down. Birthday cards, Christmas cards, and shit like that. This is one of the reasons why I am putting my diaries onto a blog, so I can get rid of all the paperwork. When you move you certainly realize how much shit you own. I feel like I’m a bit of a hoarder but not as bad as those people you see on those Hoarder TV programs. I was watching this Hoarder program once and this woman’s house was so full of shit that the cleaners found a dead flat cat. She didn’t even know it was there.

I don’t want to lose my memories, I wouldn’t feel comfortable deleting them completely; it would be almost like I was deleting myself. I’ve started throwing out cards (birthday etc.) from people that I am no longer in contact with, as well as some photos, etc.

I was watching The Living Room one night and Peter Walsh was on it and he is an expert on hoarding and organizing. He said that if you want to hold onto a memory, instead of holding onto the item itself, take photos of it and then give it away to charity.

All my blog posts were written at the time they took place, whether I had written about it on the day it took place or the day after. So they are accurate and detailed as to what took place. When I have rewritten them into my blog, I have kept them exactly the same as they are in my diary, if I have changed anything it is grammar. Under some blog posts, I have added an update if there is any. If there are any inaccuracies in my diaries, they would be little and insignificant. I’m a realist and I stand by the truth whether it is good or bad. Everything in my blog is raw, and I know a lot of people don’t like the truth. I stand by the truth, and no matter how idiotic it may appear throughout this blog, I’m just being honest. This is how I express myself; I love writing and find it a lot easier to convey my feelings in writing than verbally. Some people express themselves in writing and other people express themselves verbally and then there are others who express themselves through art or music. We shouldn’t condemn people for expressing themselves differently to others, as we are all different and one is no more superior than the other.

If anybody ever does read my blog in the future, they won’t see many positive entries; this is due to me writing to get things off my chest. In all honesty, I have experienced more negatives in my life than positives, it’s not how I wanted it to be, but that’s how it was and how it is. That’s not how I wanted my life to go and it’s not through my own doing, it’s just how life pans out. Some people have better lives than others and most of the time many factors in our life aren’t ours the choosing.

Judy said that I’ve had a lot of weirdos in my life and she’s right, it’s an accurate remark. I shake my head with shame and don’t understand why I associated with those people at all. I don’t regret my diary or my blog, but I do regret tolerating toxic people for as long as I did. Keeping a diary has helped me move on. It has also helped me observe my own patterns and it’s also helped me notice the patterns of those around me.

Blogs online can be a positive thing because when you share your own experience, you are also helping those who can relate.

Those people who I have written about in my blog were toxic, however, they weren’t toxic all the time and they had a good side and good traits. I do have a habit of overlooking people’s negatives to focus on their positives. I haven’t had that many good people in my life, in fact not many at all. Bad people aren’t bad all the time. That's why I had them in my life.

Keeping a diary has helped me see a pattern and helped me understand the motivation behind what they were doing.

When I posted my diary entries to my blog, I change the names of the people and have given them all alias. I don’t name to shame, this blog isn’t motivated by revenge as I care very little for revenge. I don’t believe the toxic individuals I’ve had in my life are sorry for what they have done to me and I don’t think they will ever be sorry, most of them are way too selfish for that. They are toxic and narcissistic and some are sociopaths. They won’t acknowledge the truth and that is why I am uncomfortable being in a relationship with them. If they won’t accept how they have mistreated me and others, they will continue to repeat patterns.

Even some of the people in my life who I thought I could trust and who would be good to me have put a knife in my back. It’s hard to trust people. I trust strangers more than the people I have known, I’ve had more family members and friends hurting me than strangers. When people stab me in the back I am no longer surprised, that’s where I’m at today, I’m used to it.

Even though I’ve mainly had toxic people in my life, I’ve had a few cool people in my life as well. However, I rarely see or hear from them. I don’t have anyone who is there, I mean really there. There have been some people who have been in my life and drifted away, family members, friends, and acquaintances, people I haven’t had any issues with, they sort of disappear with their own life and I still hold a fondness for those people. They were good people but not everyone is meant to be in your life, even the good ones. I just let people live their own life and wish them the best in life. You don’t have to have a fight or a falling out with someone for them to leave your life. The main reason why I don’t write about good people in my life is because they don’t give me a reason to write about them. There are times when I have mentioned these people slightly in my blog because they were present at certain events which I have written about. The positive people who have been in my life are not perfect by any means, I’m not perfect, and no one is. These people are those who give me the feeling of serenity and peace - some people just give you that and you don’t have to be close friends with them to feel like that around certain people. There are just certain people you can be around who you can feel comfortable with. I don’t need to vent or rant about any of those people because they haven’t caused me any trouble. I may not have any outstanding happy memories with them to write down but I don’t recall them causing me any pain.

Nobody I know or have known, knows about this blog and will most likely never will. If they do come across it will be through chance and won’t be through any doing of my own. If they do ever come across it and become upset because I’ve written the truth down, I still won’t regret keeping this blog. If they didn’t want me to write it down they shouldn’t have done bad things to me or to someone else.

This blog is largely ignored and no one reads it or views it. If anybody takes an interest in my blog it’s because of the images or memes I post and not for any other reason than that. I’m not sure how long this blog will last in cyberspace, a lot of websites disappear after a while, and all their content with it. Even websites don’t last forever, so I’m guessing that’s why people write things down on paper because you can’t trust websites or the internet. At least paper lasts longer. If my blog ever disappears then my life will then disappear forever. I don’t believe anyone today or in the future will find this blog of any interest.

Another reason to keep a diary is to help you get on with your life. If you don’t keep a diary, you will forget all the bad things that people have done to you and will only remember the good times which will put you at risk of going back into a relationship with a toxic person. You should never forget the toxic behavior that a person has imposed on you. If they do it once then they most likely will do it again, especially if they aren’t sincerely sorry. From my own personal experience, when someone has done wrong to me, they won’t say sorry, most of them have usually lied about what happened (gaslight), and if on the rare occasion, they say ‘sorry’ (which most don’t) they are only saying it to get away with it and so they can do it again on a later date. Their sorry isn’t sincere or genuine; their sorry is a lie as well. They all react with deceit. If someone does wrong to me or to someone else and I stand up for myself or for someone else, most of the time they will just call me a ‘bitch’. I often read that women get called ‘difficult’ when standing up for themselves, but realistically who gets called ‘difficult’? I don’t know any woman who gets termed ‘difficult. They get called a ‘bitch’ and that’s what we get called when we don't take shit lying down.

I don’t think people should forget the bad things that people have done to them, if they are out of your life, remember the reason why. If you forget, or turn a blind eye to it because you feeling lonely, they will come back into your life and fuck you all over again, that is what toxic people do. It’s important to move on and let go, but you should never forget what happened.

I know within my own life that I’ve forgiven people who weren’t sorry for what they have done to me. I kept them in my life and I’ve made that mistake too many times. I’ve kept people in my life for too long when they never deserved to be in my life in the first place. That is one of my biggest mistakes, it was my mistake and I was at fault for keeping them in my life. They only had me in their life so they could hurt me again. When I keep a diary I rarely go back to it to read it, however, when I started posting them onto my blog that is the first time when I read back on them and I noticed patterns of myself and other people around me. I wish I had read my diary back earlier, if I had, I would have not put up with as much shit for the duration that I had. This is why I believe it’s important to keep a diary as it serves as a warning, not only about other people but also about yourself. Previous experiences bring wisdom and growth.

I most likely do have toxic people in my present life and most likely will in my future, we all will, that’s life. You won’t know they are toxic at first; they will be all nice, sometimes it can take weeks, months, or years before you work out that someone is toxic. I’m a realist and I know that not everyone in your life will be good, that’s just the truth. If you think everything will be all roses and rainbows in the future, you are delusional. Reality isn’t that kind or naïve. I hope in the future I will meet more good people who are emotionally more mature. I just want people in my life who are genuine, caring, good-natured, respectful, and who will stand by me (as long as they don’t suffocate me because I’m an introvert). It doesn’t matter how many people I’ve had in my life, I’ve always felt alone because realistically I was alone that entire time. I’ve spent my entire life having to stand on my own regardless of the family and friends I've had around me. It was always me, myself, and I - I have learned that I have to stand on my own feet and I can’t rely on another person. I always have to fight my own battles whilst my family and friends stood in silence and were submissive or they would take the side of the toxic person. Even if someone is your parent, family member, partner, or friend it doesn’t mean they care about you or will stand by you. I’ve always dreamed and fantasized about having people in my life who care about me and will stand by me. I dream of having good parents, a good partner, and good friends - not perfect, but have a good heart and who sincerely like me. Just people who care about me. I’ve had too many fake people in my life, I can’t deal with people smiling at me and then stabbing me in the back. The reason why I stand up for other people is because I know what it is like to be alone. It’s difficult to be surrounded by family and friends knowing that those people don’t really give a damn about you.

Keeping a diary is good for your mental health; it could save your life. Keeping a diary has helped me a lot. When no one is there for you, when you are attacked when people criticize you are put down, when no one cares when you are ignored; at least you have a diary to confide in. Even though I’m putting this public, I don’t care for attention, I hate attention, to be honest, and I’m an introvert. I don’t mind being alone, I feel serenity in my own company as there’s no hate here.

Even if no one will care about your diary or your blog, start one anyway especially if you like writing and you find it hard to communicate verbally. Don’t start a diary to gain allies, to be popular, to get sympathy, or to get revenge, start it to benefit you and to help you get things off your chest. A diary should be a friend you can talk to. It’s important to care about yourself because realistically when you get older, you will realize those who you thought cared, actually don’t. You have to be your own best friend and treat yourself right. Don’t rely on another person for happiness or for a sense of importance.

People in the future may hate me for writing down the truth. In perspective, nobody has been upset or angry with anybody who has hurt me and done wrong to me. Nobody gets angry with those people, it’s okay for them to go around treating me and other people like shit. Nobody should feel they have to live in silence especially after people have done wrong to them. My life has been far from happy or glamorous, it’s been a series of disappointments. I won’t have anybody trying to change the truth or making me feel bad about conversing the truth. I just have to be honest and straightforward. This has been my life; it’s the only one I’ve known.

….

This blog consists of extracts from my diary throughout the years (taken from private diaries which I've written from over the years).

All names have been changed to protect the identity of all individuals.

All diary entries were written at the time of the event or a day later.

If there are any inaccuracies they will be only minor and usually due to grammar mistakes & typos, etc.

I haven't always written diary dates in my diary because I thought when I was writing in my diary, writing the dates was pointless. However, there were times when I did write dates (or years) in my diary with particular diary entries.

These diary entries were written without the intention of anyone to ever read them which is why they are raw and deeply honest.

I'm anti-bullying and anti-abuse and I have published this diary in an attempt to curb bullying and abuse by posting diary posts of my own experiences of being bullied and emotionally abused. I hope if anybody has gone through something similar we can all thrive and come out as better people from it. We need to send the message out there that bullying and abuse is never okay.

I'm also against censorship.

#keepingadiary#blogging#peterwalsh#thelivingroom#hoarders

#diary #blog #blogging #keeping a blog #keeping a diary #peter walsh #peterwalsh #the living room #hoarders

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