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robininthelabyrinth · 4 years ago

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Tedious Joys - Chapter 8 - END

- Ao3 link -

“You’re not going to like what we’ve decided,” Lao Nie said.

Lan Qiren could have guessed that from the way that the other man had marched into the room and promptly used Lan Qiren’s thigh as a pillow, primarily, Lan Qiren suspected, because he didn’t want to have to look Lan Qiren in the face.

It was a common tactic of his these days. The Nie clan had always been inclined towards tactile behavior and a certain lack of personal boundaries – personal information was too much to share, but apparently bodies were free game – and Lao Nie had very quickly transitioned from embarrassment to taking advantage of his newfound dependency on regular physical contact with Lan Qiren. Much to Lan Qiren’s relief, they had managed, with some experimenting and considerable effort on all parts involved, for Lao Nie to form a bond directly with the jade pendant. Now, as long as he carried the pendant, he was able to be by himself for a shichen or so without experiencing any degradation in his mental state – and that, in turn, enabled them both to separate and allowed them both some measure of privacy.

Unfortunately, after that shichen was over, Lao Nie would begin to become irritable and irrational again, his eyes slowly becoming bloodshot as the rage and resentful energy contained now wholly within him, rather than in the jade – in Jiwei, rather – began to need to be excised. Exercise and cultivation with a heavy training saber helped slow the effects, as did Lan Qiren’s musical efforts to calm and clear his mind, but Lao Nie’s cultivation was simply too high for it to last for very long. It was as if half his meridians had vanished overnight and yet he continued to cultivate as he did before; it was as if his dominant arm had been abruptly cut off, and yet he instinctively continued to try to do everything he previously could. He needed his saber to complete even a standard circulation of his qi, and short of suppressing his spiritual energy entirely (another experiment that met with some limited success, getting them another two shichen of time apart if they really needed it, but which was not a long-term solution given the unfortunate side effects), he had to have access to it.

Currently, that access was through Lan Qiren.

“If you’re warning me in advance, I’m quite certain that I won’t like it,” he said mildly, continuing to play uninterrupted. He wasn’t cultivating anything at the moment – the piece he was working on was actually a refinement of the music he’d inadvertently created in his grief at Cangse Sanren’s death, the one that had made his normally very stable nephews burst into tears, and he didn’t want to add spiritual energy to it until he’d worked out exactly how he wanted it to go. He reached an appropriate stopping place, noted down a few revisions to the score, and put his guqin aside. “You should tell me about it regardless.”

Lao Nie exhaled. “Well, good news first – the smiths have finally finished conferring and they’ve concluded that they believe it’s possible to try reforging Jiwei, so they’re willing to give it a try.”

“Good,” Lan Qiren said. He hadn’t really understood the spiritual weaponsmiths’ reluctance on the subject, but he respected their expertise as craftsmen, just as they respected his as a musician. “Once the saber has been remade, I can reestablish the resonance between them and, in theory, Jiwei should be able to use that pathway to return - and with greater ease, as she would be returning to her more familiar self.”

“Not that easy, unfortunately,” Lao Nie said regretfully. “Jiwei was shattered. To remake the blade, they will need to – for want of a better explanation – melt her down and start entirely afresh. It will be like having a wholly different saber, albeit with the same metal that she’s used to.”

Lan Qiren frowned.

“There, you see the issue. If it’s a new saber, the familiarity will be absent. We will need to work on reestablishing the resonance the way we did with the pendant, and that means –”

“Slowly.” Lan Qiren’s frown deepened. It had taken him years to establish that initial resonance, and knowing how it was done could only reduce the process by so much. “That is indeed a problem. I cannot stay here as long as that would take. In all truth, I am surprised that I have not already been summoned back by my sect…”

“Oh, you have,” Lao Nie said cheerfully. “A-Jue burned the letters and told the messengers to fuck off.”

Lan Qiren’s jaw dropped. “He did what?!”

“Did we not say? You’ve officially been kidnapped! Well, no, really it’s more of a hostage exchange situation, since they have A-Sang with them…oh, don’t look so horrified, Qiren,” Lao Nie said, starting to laugh. “Your sect elders have indicated that no offense was taken, under the circumstances.”

“Circumstances?!” Lan Qiren spluttered a little. “You’re not serious! What circumstances could justify one sect kidnapping another sect’s sect leader, acting or otherwise?!”

Lao Nie stopped laughing, the sound cutting off as if he’d been choked. “Yes, well,” he said, closing his eyes. “That’s the part you’re really not going to like.”

Lan Qiren determinedly prodded at Lao Nie’s shoulder until the other man, grumbling, sat up and took a proper seat so that they could have this discussion face-to-face. Their knees remained touching, which was good enough, and about all that the scoundrel deserved at the moment.

“Explain,” Lan Qiren ordered, and Lao Nie dipped his head into a nod.

“There are several relevant points,” he said crisply, dropping into the familiar pattern of a report. “First, Hanhan has clearly decided that he wants me dead –”

“Must you?” Lan Qiren interjected, even though he had not meant to interrupt.

“Oh, I must.” Lao Nie’s eyes were flinty. “He decided that if he couldn’t have me – and no one said he couldn’t, except his own paranoia – that if he couldn’t, no one could, and I’m not about to forgive him for that, don’t worry. But he’s still my Hanhan, my A-Han, underneath all his madness, and for my own sake, I’m not going to let anyone, whether him or me, forget it. No matter how necessary, some things have to hurt, and to their fullest extent...However, that’s not what’s relevant now. May I continue?”

Lan Qiren nodded.

“He wants me dead,” Lao Nie said, resuming his narrative. “Now that he tried once, he may try again, and I currently lack the capability to defend myself – the doctors, and you, have all agreed that I should avoid any excessive use of qi, and fighting a battle with a saber that isn’t Jiwei is a recipe for disaster in the best of times. I can’t exactly swing the pendant around, can I? Moreover, it may take years for us to establish the resonance, re-transfer Jiwei, and for me to re-familiarize myself with the new saber.”

Lan Qiren did not like the way this was going.

“There’s also the matter that I can’t be without physical contact with you for extended periods of time, and you of course have your responsibility to your sect,” Lao Nie continued. “Kidnapping you is, at best, a temporary fix. We will need something more permanent, and your sect elders have already indicated that they won’t let you marry out until your nephews are grown – and obviously we can’t wait that long, even assuming you’d want to marry me.”

Lan Qiren opened his mouth.

“Don’t say that you’d be willing to make the sacrifice to marry me, because even if you would, I wouldn’t. Putting aside the fact that you wouldn’t be happy leaving the Cloud Recesses and as much as I adore you, having been married before, I’m quite certain that I only want to marry my lovers, thank you.”

Lan Qiren had, in fact, been about to make an offer just like that, but he kept his mouth shut. They could discuss it at length at a later point.

“In short, the best solution to all of these problems, therefore, appears to be to allow events to play out as Hanhan would have wanted: for me to die.”

“You cannot be serious!” Lan Qiren exclaimed, abruptly furious. “After all the effort we put into saving your life, you would just throw it away?”

Lao Nie held up his hands. “Forgive me, I spoke unwisely – ‘do not take your words lightly’, right?”

Lan Qiren was usually very easily distracted by the mention of the Lan sect rules, but he resisted the temptation and glared.

“I didn’t mean I’d actually die,” Lao Nie said, and Lan Qiren’s shoulders relaxed a little. “Only that that would be the story we put out to the world. The process has already begun – that’s why your sect elders aren’t kicking up a fit about A-Jue being so rude to them about refusing to return you.”

“They think he’s in mourning,” Lan Qiren realized. “Whether actual, or merely preemptive.”

He could see how it might appear that way: Nie Mingjue showing up late in the evening, depositing a shaken and terrified Nie Huaisang, using up all the medical supplies in Lan Qiren’s personal possession, and then asking Lan Qiren to return home with him…

Due to Lan Qiren’s friendship with Lao Nie, Nie Mingjue had grown up especially close to the Lan sect; Lan Qiren had been his teacher, and in the end he was only fifteen, even if most people didn’t know that. Even in a world where Lao Nie could not have been saved, he might have refused to let Lan Qiren go home so quickly, seeking comfort from the sole familial authority, however informally constituted, that he had remaining.

“But Lao Nie,” Lan Qiren said slowly. “If you are supposedly dead, then Mingjue will need to become sect leader.”

Lao Nie grimaced, but nodded.

He’d been right about one thing, at least: Lan Qiren did not like what the Nie sect had decided.

He didn’t like it one bit.

“You know what that will do to him,” he said. He himself knew it better than anyone.

“I do,” Lao Nie confirmed, looking pained. “But it’s the best out of a short list of very bad options. If I stay on as sect leader in my current state, someone will kill me – probably Hanhan, but maybe someone else, one of the many small sects that have ambitions of taking the Nie sect’s place – and if that happens, A-Jue will have to become sect leader in truth, without my support. At least this way, I can act as an advisor, aid him with paperwork…that sort of thing.”

As much as Lan Qiren would have liked to argue, he didn’t have a good rebuttal to that.

Lao Nie’s position within the Nie sect was as secure as anything, and the Nie sect’s position as a Great Sect was nearly as unshakable, but there were always smaller sects looking to see whether that could change. If he were known to be so critically weakened...Wen Ruohan might not even need to kill him personally. He’d just need to wait.

And the rest was true, too. There were many things Lao Nie could do from a distance - his month at the Lan sect had shown that much - and having someone reliable to turn to for advice and hard choices was the ideal sort of transition for a new sect leader.

Still, the sect conferences alone would be horrifying, and those Lao Nie would not be able to aid Nie Mingjue with, even if he could help with all the rest.

He hated it.

But he couldn’t argue against it.

“Moreover, without the bulk of the responsibilities of sect leader on my shoulders, I’ll have more opportunity to focus on healing.”

That was true as well. Lao Nie had been hurt very deeply by Jiwei’s destruction. His cultivation had fallen, his usual cultivation pathway denied to him, his trust in his own mental well-being betrayed…in an ideal world, Lan Qiren would recommend seclusion for a few months, maybe even a year, for him to focus on reestablishing his connection with himself, re-centering his foundation so that he could climb up once more. But for a sect leader, that was impossible.

“Very well,” Lan Qiren said, although he made sure by his tone to make clear how much he disapproved. “I understand the basis for your decision.”

“I thought you might.”

“There’s only one flaw I see with your plan.”

“Oh?”

Lan Qiren folded his hands together in front of him. “You still need me, don’t you? Even with the excuse of mourning, Nie Mingjue can only request my presence for so long before the demands of my sect become paramount over their respect for his filial piety and grief.”

“Oh, we’ll let you go back eventually,” Lao Nie said with a shrug. “And I’d go with you.”

Lan Qiren had been expecting that. “And how exactly do you intend to keep the story of your death intact if you’re living with me at the Cloud Recesses? Even if we increase your tolerance such that you can stay home at all times, my home is often visited by my students, including those from other sects – and while there may be a rule against talking behind people’s backs, it is one of the most commonly broken.”

Lao Nie winced in a way that suggested both that he had thought of an answer to that question and also that Lan Qiren was going to hate it.

“Whatever you say, I cannot dislike it more than A-Jue becoming sect leader at fifteen,” Lan Qiren pointed out.

“I don’t know about that,” Lao Nie said. “Given that to this day you despise the smell of gentians.”

Lan Qiren’s brain came to an abrupt halt.

“Absolutely not,” he said.

“Qiren…”

“Absolutely not.”

“It’s a good solution,” Lao Nie argued. “No one in your sect goes to that house – most of them don’t even know it exists! It’s within a short walking distance of your home, protected by arrays to enhance silence and protect privacy…”

“I am not locking you in He Kexin’s place!” Lan Qiren bellowed.

“You wouldn’t be locking me anywhere,” Lao Nie said, for once the reasonable and calm one in the face of Lan Qiren’s fury. “I would be going willingly, and I would be free to leave at any time. You’re not your brother, Qiren, and I’m not He Kexin – not least of which because I’m neither capable of nor interested in bearing two sons for you as a means of passing the time.” He paused, tilting his head to the side. “A bit of a pity, that. I’m sure they’d be cute.”

Lan Qiren rolled his eyes at him, although the reassurance and humor had helped douse the worst of his terror at the mere idea. Irritatingly, it was a good solution: he had made the trek to He Kexin’s home hundreds of times and no one had ever raised any questions. In the unlikely event that they did so now, he could claim he was merely tending to the garden to maintain it for his nephews; more likely, however, they would simply not notice – the path between the two locations was short and purposefully discrete.

“You’ll need someone to clean the place,” he pointed out. “Even He Kexin had servants, and if you don’t want anyone from the Lan sect finding out about it…”

“I have some servants that are loyal to me personally, and which are not Nie sect disciples,” Lao Nie said. “They can seek employment at the Cloud Recesses on the basis that they didn’t want to remain here after I’d gone – literally true, if you think about it in a certain light. Your sect would snatch them up in a heartbeat.”

They would, too, even without Lan Qiren interfering: properly trained servants who knew how to serve cultivators were a precious commodity that often had to be raised up from a young age or recruited with great caution from the ranks of rogue cultivators, and ones with the skills and experience that came from serving at another Great Sect were even more valued than most. And once they were part of the Cloud Recesses, there would be no difficulty in Lan Qiren adding the task of caring for He Kexin’s house to their list of duties.

“It’s a good plan,” he finally conceded, and Lao Nie sniggered.

“You look as though you’ve bitten into a lemon, Qiren. Did it hurt to say?”

“It hurt to think,” he retorted, and turned back to his guqin. “Will you visit my brother while you’re there? He might enjoy hearing your voice and knowing that you are close.”

Lao Nie had always refused in the past, and he shook his head now. “Not all of us are as forgiving as you, Qiren. Qingheng-jun made his choices.”

“That was a long time ago.”

“He makes them again every day,” Lao Nie disagreed. “He may have declared that he would stay in seclusion for the rest of his life to make amends, but that was his decision. He could break his oath and come out, do the right thing, but he doesn’t want to.”

It was an old argument, and an unproductive one. Lan Qiren shook his head, signaling that he would no longer engage.

He had other things to be concerned with, and would for some time. There was helping with Lao Nie’s recovery, creating the new resonance, playing calming music for him, keeping his secret; he would also need to help support Nie Mingjue as much as possible during his transition to sect leader, whether through correspondence and advice or through active intervention during the discussion conferences. He would need to manage his nephews, who he had taught so carefully not to lie, and yet they would need to learn to keep this secret, too.

Taking care of Lao Nie would also be an additional set of duties, on top of being sect leader and being a teacher and being himself, but Lan Qiren didn’t mind it.

It wouldn’t be so bad, actually, now that he thought of it without prejudice. To have someone close by to take tea with in the afternoons when his nephews were too busy and it wasn’t the right time of year for students, someone with whom he could speak on any range of subjects, including his occasional frustrations with his sect, stories about his students, the political troubles of the day – a friend close by, rather than at a distance. Someone who would probably encourage him to take more exercise than he usually did, to try things outside of his comfort zone, someone who would listen to his ideas on music or the rules without judgment, someone who would share his burdens and support him…it would be a little like having a wife, but without all the inconvenient aspects that he so thoroughly disliked.

“It’s not too bad, as such things go,” Lao Nie said, his thoughts clearly moving along a similar line as Lan Qiren’s. “Whatever the world thinks, I’ll be the first Nie sect leader to live to enjoy a retirement, however premature.”

This was true.

“I’ll miss my boys, of course,” Lao Nie added. “But I’ll write, and you can invite A-Sang to your lectures when he’s old enough. A-Jue can come visit you, sect leader to sect leader…I wouldn’t be the first father to only see his children a few times a year.”

“Nie Huaisang will probably fail my classes,” Lan Qiren said, having been acquainted with the individual in question for some time now. A clever child, even very clever, but he was also lazy, hated reciting facts, and was as stubborn as a rock – as stubborn as his father. “You’ll probably have the joy of him for several summers in a row.”

Lao Nie smiled.

“Well, I can’t say this was what I expected when I wrote to you for help all those years ago,” he joked, leaning down and playing with the jade token that now hung from his belt rather than Lan Qiren’s. Wen Ruohan would probably have a fit if he ever saw it – indeed, Lan Qiren was already looking forward to that day in the future, however distant, where Lao Nie would regain his saber and his former strength and re-emerge to make his feelings on the subject of Wen Ruohan’s actions clear. “But I’m still glad you came.”

“As am I, my friend,” Lan Qiren said. “As am I.”

#mdzs #lan qiren #sect leader nie #my fic #my fics #tedious joys

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uppersidedreams · 4 years ago

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[ vanessa kirby, genderfluid, thirty-three ] Let’s give a warm welcome to one of Sparkwood’s finest, SYLVIE LAUFEYDOTTIR !! Before coming here, she once lived on the pages of MARVEL COMICS. Though now they currently spend most of their time as a SOCIALITE. If you ask the townsfolk about what they are like, you will hear that they are HEDONISTIC but also UNTRUSTWORTHY. If they had a theme song it would be VENOM - LITTLE SIMZ.

you can find the rest of my muses here !

trigger warnings: n/a.

abandoned at a young age by her biological parents along with her brother, sylvie was adopted into an extremely wealthy family that lived within sparkwood, virginia. her and her brother becoming additions to the family was a cohesive process, their adoptive parents planning to pass them off as biological until they were older and could break the news to them in a more delicate fashion. ultimately, they believed it would be the easiest thing for everyone involved and had zero ill-intent. sylvie grew up alongside one other brother and sister. when she was about ten years old, she was snooping around in their spacious home’s attic when she uncovered the adoption records of herself and her brother. she ended up keeping this information to herself, not wanting to hurt her brother with the truth. but it wasn’t long before this began to eat away at the girl, causing her to question a lot of things about herself and where she truly belonged.

she started having vivid nightmares about a world where her parents didn’t exist or she was forcibly taken away from them, exhaustion plaguing her. between her taking on the burden of carrying the secret of her adoption and these night terrors, she began to act out. it started as simple fits to full blown-fights with her other siblings. that’s when her parents decided to enroll her in the sparkwood institute where she spent the rest of her school-age years. she never quite fit in at the school despite her aptitude in almost every subject. it was as if she always found a way to make herself the outlier in every situation, never allowing herself to get too close to anyone due to her major trust issues. aside from this, she rarely ever saw her family while she was enrolled in the institute. they used to be her lifeline, but she began to slowly separate herself from them over the years. this included her choosing to remain at the school during holiday breaks rather than return home.

by the time she graduated, she was a completely different person. in some people’s eyes, this might have been for the better considering she was becoming a more authentic version of herself. but in the process, she was shutting everyone out of her life out. she decided to attend university where she majored in business and began to build up her empire, making a name for herself. she even ended up changing her full name, her surname reflecting her true family. with plenty of wealth to spend, sylvie stepped away from the business world after a few years and decided to spend her time thriving as a socialite. she would spend most of her time working behind the scenes of her business while going to countless parties, using networking as an excuse. although, despite the excitement that her life held for her, she found very little true joy anymore.

HEADCANONS.

sylvie identifies as genderfluid (amab) and ended up medically transitioning when she was eighteen years old. she prefers she / her pronouns, but will also occasionally use they / them pronouns.

she is bisexual and biromantic.

still has major trust issues and never allows herself to get close to anyone, but she does have a lot of random one-night stands in order to fill the gap that she feels inside of herself.

has expensive tastes and likes to subtly flash her wealth, mostly through the designer brand clothing that lines her closet.

still removed from her adoptive family aside from her biological brother.

not trustworthy whatsoever. not only is she an expert liar, she’s rather good at manipulating others when it comes to getting something she desires.

considering she spends a lot of her time partying and partaking in hedonistic behaviors, it’s important to know that she’s a giggly flirtatious drunk.

TOTAL GOD COMPLEX.

#spark. intro

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kerice · 4 years ago

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Painful Memories...

I came across some old photos. Some of my wedding. I can look at these pictures now with less emotion. There is sadness but I really can’t identify with that person in the photo anymore. Does this mean I have detached myself? I remember being there. Have I healed from the wounds that are still painful to mention? This day, more than 17 years ago, was a start of a major trial in my life. Having the courage to work through the pain of recovery has helped give me the drive and tenacity to overcome financial debt and to succeed in school.

My academic journey started back in 1996, academic achievement did not come easy to me in high school, but I wanted to get a good job, so a few years after high school I started classes at Seattle Central College, in Seattle Washington. I then had a child at age 25 and I became a single mom. I am always inspired by women who say that without hesitation, trepidation or feeling less than women who have a partner. When my son was about three years old, I transferred to Bellevue College. They had a work study program where I could work at the school daycare (where my son was) and also work on my career goals, while having my son close. Due to the early birth of my second son on Nov. 27th, I was unable to finish my last two weeks of course work in the fall of 2003. As a result, I received a failed grade in my personal enrichment courses of French 201 and Algebra II. However my GPA for my science classes were within the range they needed to be. But, even so, I had to quit my job and dropped out of college since my son was born two weeks before the final exams.

On the day of the wedding, It was a beautiful, warm day in September 2004, I remember, the kids were dancing and laughing, the lakeside property was gorgeous. I remember my family and friends being around me, it felt like a different life. I don’t like going back in my thoughts. The pain of those memories has become less as time’s gone on. To go from such a happy day celebrating with the person I wanted to live my life with to days later, almost losing my life to this person. This is a story, no one wants to tell. Four days after my wedding, I was a victim of a road rage incident, where I was physically assaulted and (along with my infant son) nearly killed. My husband of four days was charged with reckless endangerment and assault and then arrested. A passerby had seen the incident and called 911. I still can’t believe this happened to me. He never apologized for what he had put us through, we never saw him again except at a distance. I then started therapy for the physical pain that was inflicted on me, the emotional pain would be a much longer process of healing.

When you go through the family court system and testify in front of everyone, what you go through, it is very difficult. After the shock wears off, the shame sets in, it’s hard to talk about. They (the court advocates) encourage you to talk, saying that it saves lives. I felt lost and defeated. I was forced to go through court ordered therapy, which I knew, any invasive findings would be broadcast in court. I had to acknowledge other incidences of abuse that led up to the escalation to the road rage. I was faced with the reality of my own denial of what was happening to me. The excuses I would make to myself. He was just stressed out. Maybe it was a psychotic break? I couldn’t be objective or logical enough to begin to imagine why someone would do such things to a person they profess to love. I didn’t want a stomach ulcer on top of everything else. I was able to get a pro bono attorney for the first trial. But after my ex-husband went to domestic violence treatment, there was a new trial. This was because, where there is “abusive use of conflict,” the courts don’t allow mediation to settle parenting plans. This put me in financial peril, and I have struggled financially ever since.

It’s been many years since the assault and arrest. I was vilified and blamed for what caused our separation to our community and friends. According to his account, it was all an exaggeration, a misunderstanding. I heard him say in court that I was crazy, emotionally unbalanced. Especially during the child custody proceedings. I was so afraid of him and what he would do to me. I couldn’t even comprehend fully what he was doing, who he even was. Was he my enemy now? He blamed me for getting him arrested, even though I had not been the one who called the police, but an anonymous stranger did! I felt alone, scared, traumatized. I hated having to go through the court hearings and hear the venomous words coming from him and his attorney. It made me feel crazy, out of my mind. I had to get away, I saw him everywhere, I was always looking over my shoulder. Sudden movements would make me jump. Flashes of the trauma would enter my mind. While driving my car, when I would see brake lights I would tense up and my heart would skip a beat. How could I even co-parent with this person? My Post Traumatic Stress was keeping me from moving beyond what happened to me, keeping me from moving forward. But I knew I had to somehow keep it together and be strong for my children.

After the divorce, I was given permission to move out of state. In 2007, my brother, who lived in Northern Kentucky, offered me a job. Because of this, I was able to move out of state with my children. I am so grateful to my brother for his help in this transition. During this time, my father had entered retirement from the military out on the west coast. He and my mother were planning on moving to Cincinnati to help my brother with his business. The timing of the move was good since we would be able to have the support of my family, during this time of healing and transition. Upon my move, my ex was continuing to file motions at the Seattle court house. I had to hire an attorney, from out of state, to represent me and to respond to every motion filed. Within 5 years, he filed 12 motions that were all dismissed for lack of credibility. Even though he was ordered to pay my attorney’s fees, these orders were not enforced, therefore leading me to incur much debt over the years. With the two divorce trials costing $40,000 and the additional $10,000, my finances were in trouble. I had to ask my parents for help with these huge costs. Two years after the divorce, he stopped paying child support and my daycare costs exceeded $6,000. I had to ask my parents for help with the kids, which allowed me to work more hours to pay my debts. I have been used to working two or sometimes three jobs to get a handle on my finances. In 2015 I was able to receive vocational training so I could earn more per hour.

I am a single parent living in the Cincinnati area for almost 14 years now. After much healing and hard work, I am anxious to continue my academic career goals. I am the proud parent of two well-adjusted young adults and I’ve had much experience juggling work, school and parenting. I also became the caretaker of my grandmother the last year of her life. In which I moved her into my home with my two children. During this time, as I partnered with the hospice care staff, I assisted in many nursing responsibilities. Reflecting back on this now, I feel that nursing is the field I belong in. During my time in Cosmetology school, I took on another caretaking job. I did this while managing my other full-time job. Then in 2018, I enrolled in an accelerated program at the Cincinnati School of Medical Massage. Where we had rigorous course work in A&P and Pathology. I also became a personal care assistant in 2018. I also currently work as a licensed Cosmetologist and LMT, as well as an STNA.

I am happy to say that my domestic partner and fiancé is supportive of my desire to finish my nursing education. Over time I had developed a tougher exterior, not able to readily identify with my feelings. I was so guarded, out of necessity. An armor of survival. I find it more difficult to make friends, especially deep friendships that take invested time and effort. Letting people in feels too high of a risk at times, as the emotional scars surface. Where I attended massage school, they taught us what it means to be “semi-permeable.” The idea of boundary lines that define your personal space and the space for the client. If you are too closed off, then you won’t be able to tune into anyone else’s needs. This was a wonderful exercise for me in many ways. It’s helped me in my relationship with my children as well. In the past, I’ve heard awful comments directed towards me, anywhere from saying that I am a bad mother, to questions like, why didn’t I just get an abortion. Being on the other end of the parenthood journey, with my kids entering the adult world, I would say it was worth the pain, the struggle. We persevered, we are all tough as nails, I can see it from the work ethic my kids have. Even in the most ideal circumstances, children can still have issues. But seeing the love for me in their eyes is very moving. Watching them run around, playing and laughing is like watching my heart dancing outside of me. I wish that some things had been different for them. But through the struggle, we established a strong bond, which I believe will last for years to come. I don’t know who made this quote but it sums up so much. “A son makes love stronger, days shorter, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten and the future worth living for.”

This trial has taught me to not be too quick to dismiss the notion that real love does heal our wounds. In my younger years I would have thought of that notion too trite. Having my children with me in my life has given me profound purpose and meaning. As small children, they looked to me as their constant, their calming force. They were my purpose for staying strong, stoic, steady. When they were little and even now, I give them my continued support. Also, it took me years of being single to allow myself to fall in love again. I feel thankful to my family and to my God that I have another chance at a lifetime partnership. So much healing has taken place but the memories in the emotions are still there. The muscle memories within the physical scars, are still there.

I see what those court advocate where talking about, all those years ago. I have come through the pain of a trial that allows me to empathize with the profound pain of others. Sharing my pain can save lives, or at least meeting others at their depths, so they feel less alone. Not that I have the answers, only the experience in the struggle to survive. I believe now, as a nurse (or soon to be) I can come along side someone and show them I understand what it’s like to be in pain. I can better understand where they’re at because of what I’ve been through. Not everyone is ready to hear a story like mine. A lot of times i get the, “ wide eyed, gaping mouth” reaction. But sometimes I meet someone who says, that it was what they needed to hear. It gives them the courage to set out on their own journey of survival. To start fresh, to start over if that’s what is necessary to start the healing process. As a massage therapist I deal with people and their physical pain all the time. I build care plans around strategies to begin the healing process. Many times, the physical pain is locked up with emotional pain underneath. I understand this, as I am there with them, letting them cry through their trauma. It’s a process that I feel privileged using my skills and abilities to aid in the healing.

#dv survivor #studyblr #nursingschool #healing from trauma #health and wellbeing #self care #battlescars #essay writing #kindness #be gentle with yourself

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sunsummoneds · 4 years ago

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you can find the rest of my muses here !

trigger warnings: n/a.

HEADCANONS.

sylvie identifies as genderfluid (amab) and ended up medically transitioning when she was eighteen years old. she prefers she / her pronouns, but will also occasionally use they / them pronouns.

she is bisexual and biromantic.

still has major trust issues and never allows herself to get close to anyone, but she does have a lot of random one-night stands in order to fill the gap that she feels inside of herself.

has expensive tastes and likes to subtly flash her wealth, mostly through the designer brand clothing that lines her closet.

still removed from her adoptive family aside from her biological brother.

not trustworthy whatsoever. not only is she an expert liar, she’s rather good at manipulating others when it comes to getting something she desires.

considering she spends a lot of her time partying and partaking in hedonistic behaviors, it’s important to know that she’s a giggly flirtatious drunk.

TOTAL GOD COMPLEX.

#spark. intro

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huntsman-ash · 5 years ago

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RWBY LiveThoughts: V8E7

Since I finally have time for it today, lets make sure Im all caught up for the hiatus.

Before we get fully started, an idea; Its not a war crime if they’re Grimm. Then its just self defense. So break out the napalm, the cluster bombs, the chemical weapons, the fun stuff. Make em regret it, yeah?

And we start off...on a farm. Looks like my moms old farm in South Dakota. Even on Remnant, hay is best used in bales.

Waiiiit. Thats the place the Whale set down isnt it. I see a Sayber running. Ah, and the Atlas military! Surely, the vanguard of a massive force to hold the line! Also Im glad to see a close up of the helmet for once, I want to make my own. Also, the gloves, and the rifle itself. Not sure why it doesnt have a stock, seems kind of silly...

And airships too, so they got some fire support...whats that wall behind them though?

Also it TOOK US 8 FUCKING SEASONS to get a close up of these FUCKING Weapons. 8. FUCKING. SEASONS. Okay maybe more like 5 cause they didnt first appear till 3 or so but come on. Im so picking this shit apart later.

Pfft, bros got some nerves going on. Come on man, its just some Grimm, you’ll be FINE.

Atlas field harvesters resemble Halo’s JOTUN Farming equipment. As wel as our own. No surprise there.

Alright, bunch of Saybers, not seeing much of a threat here.

Hey, Paladins! Damn, they...look way different than I remember them to be.

I wont lie, I dont like the Paladin design. Way to much visual noise, I cant tell where anything IS.

Also that is the most 2D grass I have sever seen in my fucking life. What the hell are they growing here...

Huh, the whale has two sets of teeth. Wait, its just there? And its wpewing out Grimm. So...why isnt the air force firing on it?

Yeah its not moving, its just raising its head and slamming down and vomiting out more Grimm. Im not sure what the issue is here, just...seal the mouth.

Oh, huh. Apathys. Let me guess, RTs gonna try and tell us depression is going to kill most of Atlas. Oh for fuck sake. IM NOT IMPRESSED RT. IM REALLY NOT. IM MORE FUCKING ANNOYED THAN ANYTHING

Okay so...I see what this is. Its farm land outside of atlas proper and there’s an additional wall behind them, plus the power lines I guess? Seems like a viable place to make a stand.

...thats it. Please tell me this is just a single detachment of the Atlas military because there is less firepower here than a NATIONAL GUARD UNIT ASSIGNED TO ONE CITY

Im fairly certain there are more people assigned to ONE UNIT attached to JBLM then I amm seeing here.

Not to mention this is an OPEN FIELD the Grimm have to run through. This is a literall fucking TURKEY SHOOT. Running across an open field anywhere is a ticket to DYING.

Just ask the poor fucks on D-day.

Also uh...why is everyone in line formation? What is this, fuckin’ 18009s combat Napoleon style?

And did the distance suddenly change, I feel like the whale suddenly got a hell of a lot closer.

Just...I dont get this. This makes no sense. Did Ironwood learn how to deploy forces from a fairy tale book? This is legitimately some fuckin Lord of the Rings shit here.

RIP that one specific trooper hit by that Behemoth though. Dont worry friend, the thing walked next to a Paladin. Its getting its eye blasted out

And cut back to Ironwood. Doing...fuck if I know what.

Staring angrily it seems.

“Dammit, my tactical deployment by line formation and parade ground tactics isnt holding back the Grimm, curses!”

Well MAYBE IF YOUD THOUGHT TO INVEST IN SOME FUCKING AIR SUPPORT...Seriously.

I know people have told me why this is. I understand myself why this is. But it really just...does...not...jibe with me. At all.

Okay so more details; first, apparently Atlas has a subway. Makes sense, its a big island. Inter-system transits probably a given. Second; Was that Mantis Squad Omega? Some kind of unit maybe...interesting.

Also I love how this guy just questions Ironwood. Like, bro, if the General says do it, do it.

Hold the fuck up, why is everyone outside? It looks like fuckin’ Cali during our lockdowns...what ever happened to martial law huh?

Also “underground subway stations”. Yes, thats...kind of what a subway IS. I guess maybe they have overhead ones like New York does. Mass transit be weird like that.

I mean HELL the signs on it are almost identical to the ones in NYC too! Even with the colored circles and train cnumbers.

According to the sign here they’re at Pickens Square Station.

Oh boy. Ironwood just fed these poor bastards into a meat grinder. Anyone here ever played the Metro game series, or read the books?

Remember the Dark Ones? The Nosallias? Yeah. Tight corridors and monsters only work out well for angry vodka fueled Russians.

Didnt see it very well but I THINK those Mantas had some kind of wing gun. Either thats new, a separate armament setting, or RT forgot what ind of weapons they gave their ships AGAIN.

Cant get the shields back up, yeah, no shit, they DETACHED ONE OF THE FUCKING PILOTS YOU IDIOTS.

Also hah, they arrested Yang, Ren and Jaune. Not surprised.

Beta squads apperently been hitting the whale. ‘Bombs, missiles, we cant make a dent, sir.” ...while Im not surprised by this, I also hear shades of the opening of Halo 2s level Metropolis. “Where’s the rest of your platoon?” “Wasted, sarge. Blew right through us. Rockets, fifty cals, didnt do nothing.”

Honestly they could have SHOWED THAT too. Them just saying it feels like a cop out to me. Take that as you will. But if you want us to see the things hard to kill, show it.

Not that I figure Atlas’s rockets are much more than Dust in a propellent tank. Not exactly a Hellfire or TOW.

Nice to see proper military talk for...a moment anyway.

Or what I figure RT figures is proper.

Oh so now the whales moving. Okay...huh.

Jaunes commentary is the same as mine. Though I guess the size seems to shift depending.

Ohhh. Its MANTA. As in the gunships. Alright, sure that works. And this guys making a good call. If you cant hit the big one go after the smaller. Of which there seems to be a HELL of a lot. Actually holy fuck that Grimm spew is across like...ahlf the fucking island right now. Time to fuckin torch and burn people.

Ahhhhhh and they get to the proper idea. If you cant punch it from the outside, hit it from the inside.

I knew a crew...three madmen, names of Keegan, Lahni and Mac. The Hivebusters. Something tells me a Venom bomb would do the trick...if it can rip apart Swarm creatures as big as a Snatcher or a Swarmak and reduce them to green slime, I think it’ll work on Grimm.

Something tells me RT isnt gonna give em a bomb though. Too obvious.

NEVER MIND. “Science team is putting together a bomb.”

Also I LOVE how Winter’s pupils expand and retract in fear as she realizes what Ironwoods asking her to do.

Awww now shes getting the shakes too.

Salem directing this shit like shes some kind of orchestra leader. I mean it FITS but...I dunno.

Ah so the command deck is directly behind the whale’s glowing nose. Basically inside where the spermacetiy organ would be in a real sperm whale.

What the fuck is Emerald doing there?

Sneaking I guess. Huh. Why’s she sneaking around the whale. Also, huh. guess seeers can get fooled by Emeralds semblance. Is HE STILL BEATING UP ON OSCAR? Jeez dude. Take a breather.

Honestly if this was TRUE I would be okay with it. Replace the Huntsman with, I dont know, a massively overequipped military for each Kingdom, let them run rampant...stomp the Grimm out or push them back to nonexistence...everyone lives happily ever after

Lets be real here, the idea of the academies? Really really fucking dumb. Its cute. Fairy tale like.

But if theres one thing this show has taught me its that fairy tales SUCK. Reality...tends to be worse.

Ah theres one of those torture hooks they mentioned a few episodes back. Nice of the whale to have a specific interrigation room.

And at last we get some information on how Salem works. Alright so...what happens if you seperate the parts then? Sink one in the ocean, launch one into space.

Sounds like Oz/Oscars telling the fans what we’ve been saying forever, Companion Book be damned; Salem wants to die.

These mind games bore me. Its cute, but I dont like it cause I cant follow that shit. Give me a straight up fight any day, fuck this sublty backroom fuckery

No lies from them both here honestly.

Medical supplies in Atlas seem almost the same as here on earth interestngly. Also, soup. Or...coffee, tea?

Blake with the obvious here. But I mean thats not really saying much cause...well. Not hard to outfight the Atlas military it seems like. (Long suffering sigh)

Im gonna make a seperate post about my frustrations with that and leave it there. But dont expect me to stop fully complaining about it because everyones gotta have something to bitch about with this show, and I’ll be DAMNED if I start joining the BB whiners.

Good question, Ruby. Might be that YOUR NOT LIVING IN A FAIRY TALE

I’d like to see these people dying in Mantle. I refuse to believe that there isnt SOMEONE in the nation that once brought Remnant to its heel that wont stand and fight. Unless Im wrong about that too...

May backstory? May backstory. Yeah. Not amazingly complicated but it works. Cant tell if shes Henry though...or was.

Dramatic lightning flash

Cute you think that Ruby. Theres sides. Always are.

Further proof honestly.

Hazels look of though is amusing. Cant tell if he doesnt believe Oscar, or if his tiny peabrain is runing full bore to think this through.

Coordination between farm boy and professor.

Oh. OHHHH. Plants the seed of doubt in Hazels tiny mind, he uses the last question for himself, sees the truth... Clever, Oscar. Clever.

Hazel peabrain go THUNK

Ah so Mercs going off to Vacuo. Guess that means everyone else is going there next too. Eat that, random Discord person, I called it.

Course, CFVYs there so...maybe we get to see Yats beat up on him.

Oh hi Tyrian. Do you just...randomly roam the halls of the whale waiting to DRAMATICALLY REVEAL YOURSELF and give violent expositon? Im very much okay with that.

Also I love how he just...accepts this. Totally fucking bonkers, totally down with it.

Oh shit, Tyrian and Mercury going to Vacuo? Damn thats gonna be INTERESTING. I guess Tyrian’ll fit in well enough honestly.

Flying Beringal literally out of the roof.

I remember back when this season first started and I said those weird bone platforms looked like VTOL launch bays. Guess what? They are.

Merc and Em emotion blah blah DONT CAAARRREEE

Jaune thinking tactically for ONCE IN HIS FUCKING LIFE. An I mean military tactical of course.

Also I like how the Aces say they dont let emotions cloud their shit WHEN THEYVE BEEN DOING THAT THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME.

This ENTIRE PLANET is emotionally run. Thats why the Grimm are such an issue! Makes small note to make Remnant Adeptus Mechanicus cult

Seriously though...

I wont lie though, Hare isnt wrong. Wonder what happened to that Tortuga guy. Tyrian, is my guess. Love how Ren interrupts the moment they almost mention Clovers name.

Expendable, yes. Replacable, no. You should have a talk with squadron leader Grey from Star Wars Squadrons Ren

ANNNNDDD SEMBLANCE EVOLUTION. Or the edibles just kicked in.

This is cool and all but its really fucking dumb and hamfisted. Explain all you want. Mention emotions all you want.

The Aces are fucking huntsmen. HUNTSMEN. FUCKING. SUCK. They always have. Its a dumb idea. Yes, lets stop the hordes of monsters invading this world BY SENDING IN SINGLE OPERATIVES WITH FUCKING MELEE WEAPONS

I’ll make this clear to you, Ren, right here and now. If you faced a REAL elites, you wouldnt have stood a chance. Nor would RWBY. Their bodies would have been three-shot from 20 meters out with a breach and clear and stacked against the wall like cords of wood, one final shot to the dome to make dead sure they were down. None of this stupid flipping and acrobatic crap, none of this clashing weapons and Dust and semblances...no.

You’d be dead before you knew they were there and they would move on. You’d just be another body to the pile, one more faceless corpse to add to their kill count. A meatgrinder in human form.

Professionals. Dont. Lose. AND THE ACES ARE NOT PROFESSIONALS!

Because thats not what RWBYs about, never has been. And that is what annoys me slightly. That and the fact I cant distangle what I know of other universes and our own from RWBY’s. Its hard to hold a universe on its own when everything they make points towards it being like ours, but they change it when they see fit.

I feel like thats bad writing.

Hehehe. Winter touched Elms boob.

Glad to know that Winters got her priorities right. Course, that bomb probably aint gonna do shit cause its Dust based.

...again, hoping its a chemical weapon...

Wait, the Atlas forces from earlier are STILL FIGHTING? Damn, these Grimm must suck if they couldnt wipe them out in that little time...

Also I cant tell if its getting dark cause of the storm or if its the dawn of the next day. Or did...they shift time around? I lost track. I SWORE the sun was setting the last time we saw everything.

Also return of the shitty 3D grass...

Marrows gonna defect.

Awww poor Winters got emotions. HEY MAYBE DONT SEND A MENSTRATING WOMAN OUT ON A FIELD OP, ATLAS!

So according to May there’s still front lines. Cool.

AYYY ITS KLIEN! HES BACK

Oh, I guess hes a doctor too. Oh he MAD.

Ayyy Whitleys being USEFUL for fucking once in his shitty life.

Shes gonna hug him isnt she.

CALLED IT. For fuck sake...whatever. Cute. But whatever.

Oh annnnddd now Grimmquake?

No. It stopped...Bolide?

No. PENNY.

Annnnddd shes leaking coolant. And sparking. And dead.

RIP Penny.

The concept art of the beached whale looks so fucking silly. Seriously, just...detach the whole section there. Drop the fucking thing.

Oh well.

And thats it for almost two months! Be prepared for me to BULLSHIT MY WAY THROUGH ALL OF IT and continue on with my military fanwank because THATS HOW IM SURVIVING 2020!

#rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby v8 #spoilers

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gulgbtqplus · 5 years ago

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EGM candidates

Our EGM is on October 9th, 2020. If you would like to run for any position, please fill out this form https://forms.gle/EMdnNa7Nr7ybah7E6! We will be updating this list as responses come in.

VP Secretary

1) Robyn (they/them)

GULGBTQ+ has been a real lifeline for me (like many others) since I started university and especially now in my 3rd year in the middle of a pandemic. And so I would love to be VP Sec to give back, support and uplift the community that’s had my back and been my safe space for the last few years.

I previously spent some time as Non-Binary officer last year so I already have an insight into the on-goings of the society. And I also attended Trans and Non-Binary coffees nearly every week. As VP Sec I would want to give more attention and accessibility to POC, disabled, and trans students in particular, especially right now. I would love to continue to work with the SRC and GUSocNet in particular, and reach out to others also. As a home student, I know the importance of having a network and so I would love to keep strengthening the network we have built as a community and expanding it. But of course most importantly working alongside our already amazing exec and committee to put ideas into motion. (And maybe make a zine or two ya know).

I realise the massive responsibility that is being part of the exec but I’m more than willing to rise to that challenge this year. Overall I want everyone to feel like they have a safe space within the society and that this is their community too. It would be a joy to be your VP Sec this year and continue to help carry on the community we have here! :) (And stay safe!)

2) Liam (he/him)

I’d be the right candidate as since I’ve joined I’ve been active in the society whether it be events or discussions going on in the server. This is important as there always has to be an open channel for discussion and chat no matter the topic. Being the VP Secretary is a big undertaking and in that i'd love to be able to chat to you all whether it be in coffees, direct messages, or an anonymous poll every now and again to find out what direction you want the society to move in. The priorities of a society are fluid in a changing world and I believe i'd be the one to step up and give people the voice to help us steer in the right direction

Events Officer

1) Robyn (they/them)

As Events Officer, I would love to continue the work previous folk have done over the last few years in running more accessible and ever creative events. Moreover this would be incredibly important with the on-going Covid situation and I would love to have the challenge of creating new events with the committee and in the society to adapt to the new online environment. To find new ways of fundraising for the society and also making online events just as exciting as in-person events were. I’m a very creative, inventive and adaptable person thanks to my degree, the projects I do outside of university and work I did with charity events back at school. Last year, I spent some time as Non-Binary officer, attending trans & non-binary coffees throughout the year and so I have a decent idea of running events already in the society. I would strive to continue to make events more accessible and welcoming to POC, international and disabled students etc., and also manage the issues that previous years may have had by taking on constructive feedback consistently. In all, I want to create a space and event for everyone by solidifying communication inside the society and outside the society.

Communications and Technology Officer

1) Evelyn (they/them)

I’m a social and economic history student. I have found it really valuable to meet people through GULGBTQ especially the craft group. I really don't know what I'd have been able to do otherwise as I found it quite difficult making friends etc when I first came to Glasgow last year. On that note I would like to contribute to the society... Mostly I'd really like to improve the website e.g. the calendar is in need of a bit of TLC!

2) Liam (he/him)

As a technologically oriented person, I believe I would be able to do the Communications and Technology role justice by setting up regular channels for communication. The website as cute as it may be is dated and could do with a freshen up. This is however easier said than done, after evaluating with everyone what priorities for it we should have the slow process of neatening it can begin. To bring people to any events, the weekly announcements message could be posted on the page along with a link to the Discord server. The page is a representation of what we do as a society yet it lays bare with nought but who is on the committee and manifestos of who would like to be. Be gay do crime, thanks for listening.

Men’s Officer

1) Ethan (he/him)

Hi, I’m Ethan - a graduate and now first year medical student, who has been involved in student representation as some kind of liberation officer for the past 4 or 5 years. I came out as transgender in 2016, and since then have openly shared my transition and experiences on a small YouTube channel. I’m tired of the narrative that as a trans man I am not a “real” man, and the barriers faced by transmasculine individuals in accessing things that are typically put down as 'feminine' needs (sanitary bins - I’m looking at you!). I am incredibly keen to push for change in the teaching of healthcare subjects, so that it is less awkward accessing things such as cervical smears and menstrual care, and that healthcare teaching in general stops being focused from a cis-het viewpoint. Whilst that may be one of my personal main focuses, wider campaigns and work around challenging stigmas particularly associated with men’s mental health and sexual health is really important. So I’d want to make sure there is involvement in these too.

2) Liam (he/him)

GULGBT+ has so far done a great job of having everyone feel accepted and have a space to chat but at the moment there isn't a Mens Officer and from anecdotal experience there is a significant lean in the societies demographic to female students at least in terms of activity in the society. My aim as this years Mens Officer would be to make the society a welcoming place for all, whether this is through running events directed towards those who aren't aware of the society or aren't aware of its purpose.

International Officer

1) Alexandra (she/her)

After moving to the UK last year, there were so many new things that I had to learn and there was plenty of confusion and mistakes along the way. Now that I've settled in and I feel comfortable as a resident of Scotland, I would love to have the opportunity to give advice and guidance to those who are still figuring things out, or are just looking for solidarity during a difficult adjustment period. It can be so disorienting and isolating to leave behind your family and friends to move to a new country, and I hope to let some folks know that they're not alone and they can talk to me and all the other wonderful people in GULGBT. This club made a huge difference for me in this regard, and I want to make sure others get that opportunity as well!

2) Pat (they/them)

I've been an international student in different countries over the years and it's had a profound impact on how I can conceptualize and relate my own queer identity. Listening to and supporting each other as international students who are far from home and potentially in a very different situation culturally and linguistically is so important, when it comes to LGBTQIA+ issues as well as the bureaucratic and everyday. I want to make sure that the society is providing a space for international students and potentially make connections with other societies for international students to reach new members and share resources.

First Year Ordinary Member

1) Ethan (he/him)

Hi, I’m Ethan - a graduate and now first year medical student, who has been involved in student representation as some kind of liberation officer for the past 4-5years. Having already spent a fair bit of time getting to know many of the LGBT+ freshers’ community at UofG this year, I’d love to be able to act as a linked voice for them to help make sure they still manage to have a great first year’s experience. This certainly wasn’t the year anyone expected, and I’m really keen to try and help make the best of what we can so everyone has a positive start to their course.

Postgraduate and Mature Students’ Officer

1) Ethan (he/him)

Hi, I’m Ethan - a graduate and now first year medical student, who has been involved in student representation as some kind of liberation officer for the past 4-5years. From completely relaunching my previous university’s LGBT+ society, to starting its first separate dedicated group for trans students, and being elected as the first trans rep for students across Scotland… my undergrad was busy! I’m really keen to bring the experiences I’ve had, and lessons I’ve learned, with me to GULGBT+ and get involved through my next 5years studying at UofG. Being a postgrad and/or mature student comes with its own unique challenges and I want to work with the committee, SRC, and wider university to make sure you are well supported in achieving all the things you want to whilst still being able to balance everything you have going on outside of university. Aside from that, something I am keen to work on during my time studying medicine, is making the curricula of healthcare subjects more inclusive of LGBT+ patient scenarios and education.

2) Pat (they/them)

Community is really important to me and has become even more so since the suspension of in-person meetings. When I came to Glasgow last year, I found that the vast majority of people I met through freshers events and societies were a good few years younger than me and it seemed like I was the only postgraduate/mature student around. I would like to continue facilitating a space for postmat students in the society and ensure that people older than the average student will feel welcome and at home in the society.

---

Preferences of those running for multiple positions:

Robyn

1. VP Secretary

2. Events Officer

Ethan

1. Men’s Officer

2. Postgraduate and Mature Students’ Officer

3. First Year Ordinary Member

Pat

1. Postgraduate and Mature Students’ Officer

2. International Officer

Liam

1. VP Secretary

2. Men’s Officer

3. Communications and Technology Officer

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its-flicked-switch · 6 years ago

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Transitive Property of Equality

All of the moments leading up to the COTP, candlelight confessions, and the revelation of miracle baby #2. This work remains canon with the events of S11, filling in the gaps of Mulder and Scully’s relationship and their leap of faith forward for the future.

SMUT to be found in all the places you would expect.

Rating: Explicit

This story is my baby.

I initially drafted this work to be 10 chapters - one for each of the S11 episodes, but that quickly expanded into 20 chapters. With that being said, posting the full length of this work on Tumblr seems ... excessive, so I’ve made the decision to just post the first chapter and link the rest. In the future, I will post my longer works here just as I publish them on AO3 and ff.net, but with my Tumblr account being new, posting 60k+ all at once would be madness. Should you read this first chapter and be interested in reading the rest, it’s linked here.

CH 1: THE PLACE WE CALLED HOME

Post 11x01 - My Struggle III

Mulder takes Scully home.

SCULLY

It's true what they say about doctors being the worst patients, but to be fair, my medical history is extensive and complex. Providing a full and accurate medical history would take hours and most likely result in a psych consult, so I've learned to only ever disclose what is absolutely necessary. Being a neurologist myself, I can appreciate my doctor's concern, but she doesn't have all the of the facts and wouldn't know what to do with them even if I gave them to her. So for the second time today, I sign myself out of the hospital against medical advice.

After reviewing my MRIs, there is little doubt in my mind that the impulses driving my abnormal brain activity were somehow generated by my implant. The dull ache and burning sensation that coursed through the base of my skull and down into my neck just before losing consciousness doesn't fit the etiology of any known medically based seizure.

Eighteen hours later my neck still aches, but for an entirely different reason. One that may or may not be related to the visions I have received from Willam.

The man who entered my hospital room earlier this evening is someone that Mulder recognized as working for the syndicate, but our sources within the FBI have yet to formally identify him. All of this should frighten me more than it does, but at the moment, all I care about is getting out of here and going home to sleep in my own bed.

By the time Mulder and I leave the hospital, it's close to midnight. He hasn't let me out of his sight since he returned from Spartanburg. Under normal circumstances, I would find his zealously overprotective behavior to be suffocating and would insist that he give me space, but tonight I don't have the energy to fight him nor do I think that it would matter even if I did.

The force of my assassin's hands has left me stiff, sore, and hoarse, limiting my responses to brief and very brief. So when he asks me if I'm hungry, I merely nod, settling into the passenger seat and resting my eyes as he merges into traffic.

—

I don't remember falling asleep, but I must have because when I come to we are pulling up to the house.

"Mulder," I croak, "I thought you were going to take me home?"

As soon as I say it, I regret it. Although I haven't lived here in close to four years, the house is still technically mine. I tried to sign it over to him after we separated, but he refused to sign the papers.

"This will always be your home too, Scully," he says softly, not meeting my eyes.

I didn't mean for it come across as a dig, but it clearly has.

Great. As if today wasn't shitty enough.

"I'm sorry Mulder, I didn't mean … I'm just exhausted, and I don't have any clothes here."

"I stopped by the impound lot and cleaned out your car, so I have your keys and overnight bag. They're in the trunk."

I clearly slept through that pit stop.

"Oh … okay … thank you," is all I can manage to say.

"It wasn't a big deal. Common. Let's get inside. I think there might even be something that's eatable in the fridge," he says placing his hand on my thigh and giving it a light squeeze before exiting the car.

We climb the porch stairs together in silence. Once inside, he places my overnight bag at the bottom of the stairs and then makes his way into the kitchen.

"I'm going to start some tea. That should help soothe your throat."

"Mulder, you really don't have to—"

But he cuts me off before I can finish, raising his voice.

"Stop thanking me and telling me that I don't have to take care of you. If I hadn't come in when I did, that man would have killed you … you do realize that right?"

The look on his face stops me cold.

"Do you have any idea what that would have done to me?"

Grabbing the top of the one the kitchen chairs, he shifts his weight and looks down at the table in an attempt to calm himself. At first, I say nothing. Mulder is one of the most controlled people I have ever known. Even with everything we've been through in the last 25 years, I can still count on one hand how many times he has raised his voice at me in anger.

But anger isn't what I see now. What I see now is pure, unadulterated fear.

"I'm sorry Scully, I didn't mean to … I just—"

"It's okay," I say, interrupting him. "I buried you once — so yes, I have an idea." It comes out low and raspy, strained by events of the last 24 hours, but it silences him nonetheless.

As my words register, his eyes return to mine, and the fire in them dissipates.

Loss is something that we are both intimately familiar with.

Sighing, he releases his hold on the kitchen chair.

"I know you can take care of yourself, Scully. You've always been able to do that, but we still don't know for sure who sent him or why. Until we know, more I don't want you staying alone. If something happened you … something that I could have prevented … I would never forgive myself."

I don't know how to respond, so I don't.

"Are you sure you're not hungry?" he asks softly. "I have some yogurt in the fridge if you just want something light."

"No, but I will take some tea."

He nods and turns to turn on the stove, filling up the kettle and placing it over the burner.

"Why don't you head upstairs and take a shower. I'll come up in a minute with your tea and change the sheets."

"I'm sure they are fine."

"I haven't washed them in a while. I usually just sleep on the couch."

His tone is soft but final, and his message is clear. He's going to take care of me, and I'm going to let him because he's not taking 'no' for an answer.

—

Mulder wasn't kidding. The bed is made and looks as if it hasn't been used in months, but other than that, the room we once shared has changed very little in my absence.

My eyes are immediately drawn to a picture he has framed and prominently displayed on what was my bedside table. It's a picture of the two of us that I have never seen before. As I take a closer look, I recognize the scenery and the clothes we are wearing. The trip to the Keys had been a surprise anniversary gift. He must have had the film developed after I moved out and had it framed.

The realization causes a lump to form in my throat that is painful to swallow in more ways than one.

"There are some clean towels under the sink," he says, startling me as he enters the room behind me.

Although it's clear that he noted my interest in the picture, he doesn't say or do anything to draw attention to it, and for that I am grateful. I can hear him stripping the bed as I retreat into the bathroom.

It's not until I turn on the water and begin to disrobe that I realize that I have a problem.

Somewhere between the seizure, car accident, and struggle with the mysterious assassin, I have lost the ability to put my arms behind my back. I silently curse at my bra for a few moments before relenting and shutting off the water so that I don't have strain my voice to speak over it.

"Mulder?"

There's a periodic moment of silence before he responds.

"Yeah?"

"Can you come in here for a minute?"

"Um … yeah, sure, Scully, just ... give me a minute."

Within a few seconds, he's at the door.

"What's wrong Scully? Are you OKAY?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I just … I'm having trouble with the clasp, can you undo it for me?"

He steps into the bathroom and freezes.

"Jesus, Scully."

I'm half naked, but that's not why he's cursing.

"Is this from the accident or from …?"

His fingers gently trace over the bruising as he spins me to take a closer look.

"I'm not sure, but I can't quite get the … can you …?"

"Yeah."

He unclips my bra rubbing his hands lightly over my low back and shoulder blades until he reaches the tops of my shoulders. My back is to him, but his eyes meet mine in the mirror.

"I knew it was bad, but I had no idea it was this bad. Do you have any pain meds?"

"No … I'm okay … just going to be sore for a couple of days."

He doesn't believe me, but he doesn't press the issue either. Instead, he kisses the top of my head and leaves the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

I half expect him to be lingering around when I get out the shower, but he isn't.

The bed is covered with fresh sheets, and the clothes from my overnight bag are laid out at the edge of the bed. If I weren't so tired, I would probably be more embarrassed by the fact that he found one of his old tee shirts in my overnight bag. Although we've been separated for nearly four years now, I still find myself sleeping in his clothes. I silently curse myself for packing something so intimately personal in an overnight bag prepared to use on company time.

"Scully?"

"Just a minute," I say as I gingerly finish dressing.

When I open the door, he's waiting on the other side with a steaming cup of hot tea.

"Thank you."

He smiles.

"Got everything you need?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Okay. Well … I'll see you in the morning. If you need anything, I'll be down here."

For a moment, we just stand in silence, neither of us knowing quite what to say.

As I gaze into his eyes, I realize that what I want more than anything is for him to come to bed and wrap his arms around me, but I have no right to ask that of him. I threw that right away the moment I left him, so instead of asking him to stay, I allow him to kiss my forehead and then watch him walk away.

—

I wake up to hands on my body.

I want to scream, but I can't because there is no air in my lungs.

Panicked, I kick, claw, and fight for my life, but my efforts are fruitless. Everything is moving in slow motion, and I am powerless to stop it. That's when it hits me … I'm dying … this must be what dying feels like. Unable to fight any longer, I surrender to fate and still my body. Just as my field of vision begins to darken into a black blur, I hear a familiar voice. A voice that clears the fog and fills my lungs with air.

He releases me quickly, narrowly avoiding getting headbutted as I bolt up out of bed.

"SCULLY … SCULLY … It's me … It's just a dream. It's me. Mulder."

I'm gasping for breath and unable to speak, but relief floods me as my vision clears.

"It's just a dream, Scully," he repeats softly. "I'm here. You're safe."

Once he sees that I have oriented back to reality, he wraps his arms around me, pulling my head into his chest.

I try to swallow the sob before it leaves my throat, but I can't. The tears quickly follow.

"Shhhhhh … It's OKAY. I'm here. You're safe."

This only makes me cry harder.

He lays us down gently, cradling my head against his chest — taking care to not to apply too much pressure to my bruised and battered body.

Neither of us speaks for quite some time.

When the tears subside, and my breathing normalizes, he's the one to break the silence.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I sniffle, trying to clear my nose and throat so that I can speak. I've made a mess of the shirt he's wearing. It's so wet in places that it's sticking to his skin, but I don't care, and I doubt he does either.

"I couldn't breathe."

It's likely not the detailed explanation he was looking for, but it's the only explanation that is required.

He takes a deep breath and pulls my body more tightly against his.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you, Scully."

"You can't promise that, Mulder. No more than I could promise it to you."

"I've gone to the ends of the earth for you … killed for you … and I would give my life for yours in a heartbeat. You know that."

I do know, but this conversation is quickly heading in a direction that I'm not ready to go. Not tonight. So I don't respond with words. Instead, I snuggle into his chest, wrapping my arms around him and intertwining my legs with his. I don't want to live like I'm living on borrowed time. I want to go to sleep in his arms comforted by the fact that I still have tomorrow to say all the things I need to say. So instead of making confessions of heart, I close my eyes and surrender to sleep as I listen to the beat of his heart.

#the x files #xfiles #xfiles season 11 #msr fanfic #mulder and scully #transitive property of equality #xfiles plus one #scully pregnant #atths_twice #cotp

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destroyyourbinder · 7 years ago

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why not go to therapy for gender dysphoria?

I see this question often posited by both trans people and radical feminists, as well as garden-variety homophobes and transphobes. This is a brief attempt at an answer from my perspective. --- 1. The first reason is that trans people aren't stupid. They are right when they say there is no known therapeutic modality that is known to reliably reverse transgender identity or get rid of gender dysphoria. This does not mean that transition is therefore the best means of dealing with gender dysphoria, but it means you cannot currently just go to a psychologist or therapist and "get therapy" to make it go away. I’m tired of dealing with radical feminists or gender critical types who dismissively insist that this is currently a possible option. I am skeptical that you can ethically treat transgender people with the intent to change their personal identity anyway even if some sort of treatment protocol was developed. There may be some way to lessen gender dysphoria in a therapeutic context without major ethical violations, but few therapists are willing to try, and those who will work with people wanting to ease their gender dysphoria without transition often are working blind and therefore are liable to make mistakes that can harm already vulnerable patients. Even barring the political environment around transition right now, I am not sure therapists generally know what to do to help people or even how to conceive of the problems of those who come into their offices framing their issues as "gender dysphoria" but who do not wish to transition or who are postponing the choice to do so. When I discussed my gender dysphoria outside of a transition context with two different therapists previous to desisting from trans identity, one in about 2007 and the other in about 2014 or so, the first one told me I couldn't possibly be transgender because I was waffling on wanting a penis and attempted to get me to work on rejecting femininity by asking me to do CBT practices when I got compliments about my appearance, and the second did not even know how to deal with my gender issues at all, asked me to educate him on trans identity more broadly, and then tried to get me to accept that I was attracted to men because I considered myself bisexual but was not wanting to interact sexually with them. I ceased discussing it in therapy (and considered the times I had attempted to an unacceptable risk) because I sensed it was actually impossible for my feelings to be understood outside a transition-based context and at the time transition was impossible for me. The desisting and detransitioned women I know who are trying to reconcile with their femaleness seem to have had a very mixed bag of luck with therapists; the ones I know with positive interactions with therapists around their gender stuff have had to go through multiple therapists to find a decent one, and I know a few women who avoid therapists entirely now. Even if you go explicitly seeking a therapist for this issue as a full and competent adult with decent boundaries and deep pockets you will often have poor luck. 2. Those people offering means of getting rid of transgender identity or gender dysphoria are generally explicit religious conversion therapists or pediatric doctors using unethically coercive strategies to alter children's gender behavior. These are the last people you want to be in contact with if you have a gender or sexuality problem, and their strategies don't work except insofar as they might shame you into suppressing your feelings and desires. The doctors offering these therapies for children are direct descendants of therapists who used these strategies to prevent adult homosexuality, some of the older ones literally having studied under gay conversion therapists or at clinics offering anti-gay therapies, and I would guess they probably have similar outcomes in that they permanently traumatize kids. You would have to be extremely self-negating to seek these people out or literally under the pressure of authorities, which obviously isn't conducive to developing a way of coping with your body, sexuality, and gender structures that is healthy and promotes your well-being. 3. One of the hallmarks of being trans is wanting to transition, and one of the hallmarks of gender dysphoria in female people is either strongly wanting to be male or literally believing you are in some way male. Trans people do reach for "being trans" as a primary explanation for their thoughts and feelings about gender, even though they may have pervasive doubts and obsess over the question of whether they are "really" trans or their dysphoria is "real". Female trans people in particular often believe that if they aren't trans or don't have gender dysphoria, they must be "making things up" or that their suffering is stupid, only for attention, not as severe as they thought it was, and so on. The obsessing over whether you are "actually trans" or not ends up locking you into your dysphoria deeper than you might have gone otherwise, and means you will hold onto being trans as an explanation and the trans identity far longer than you otherwise might, because your dysphoric mind is telling you that if you aren't trans then you must really have been a stupid girl this whole time. The last thing a dysphoric female person wants to be is a stupid girl, so you will continue holding onto interpreting your experiences as trans or as gender dysphoria because that is part of the dysphoria itself. I don't believe most trans people look to transition as something they wholeheartedly "want" to do (and those that claim to are likely extremely dissociated from the reality of transition and their bodies more generally); most I think recognize to some degree that transition is risky, painful, socially isolating, legally fraught, and a medical nightmare. But the whole problem with having gender dysphoria is that it's self-reinforcing; if you are actively dysphoric, the way your dysphoria works is to propagate itself and that means you will not try a solution that invalidates "dysphoria" or "being trans" as the reason why you feel this way. Although in some sense nobody "wants to be trans", most trans people are relieved in some way or another when they find out transgenderism exists and that transition is possible, and most female trans people actually resist the possibility of therapy to get rid of their self-concept as not-female. I have not met a trans man who actually wanted to stop considering himself a man, although I have obviously seen many trans people want to ease the suffering caused by gender dysphoria and stop being subject to the negative social consequences of being trans or transitioning or being subject to misogyny/homophobia/transphobia. The reason why trans people reach for transition is because it purportedly allows them to maintain their self-identity and also get rid of the suffering caused by their body being incongruent with their self-identity. If you already conceive of yourself as trans or have extensive gender dysphoria it is unlikely you will reach for a solution that will invalidate your own perception of what's gone wrong, a.k.a. you will not go to therapy that will eventually cause you to let go of the idea that you are a man or not-female. The problem is that the self-identity is not separable from gender dysphoria, and interpreting your suffering as the result of the fact that your body is female but "you" are somehow not is a framing driven by the insecurity cycles and obsessions particular to gender dysphoria. You cannot ease dysphoria long-term without being able to recognize and confront that you are female in a value-neutral way. I honestly believe to the extent that transition can work, it works precisely because it allows some trans female people to let go of constant nitpicking at their bodies, it allows them to be among other female people who don't see them as worth less because of their bodies (albeit ones changed through transition) and in an environment where they can freely discuss their experiences together, and it permits some to actually experience being embodied without shame and distance from themselves. This should not sound unfamiliar to most trans people as it's exactly how the positive results of transition are framed. I just disagree that transition is necessary to achieve these results, that transition actually achieves them persistently in most people, and that to whatever extent they are achieved it means that trans people are right about why they happen (that it means you are a man or not-a-woman). 4. I don't think therapy to achieve peace in your body usually works if you are female, whether you are dysphoric or not, and it's because I think the therapeutic relationship and medicine more broadly are a small-scale replication of the authoritarian and misogynistic practices that cause female people to be alienated from their bodies to begin with. I don't think most female people want or need an authority implicitly or explicitly telling them that their bad feelings about their body are wrong when authorities have inculcated these feelings in us to begin with. Most female people don't end up with gender dysphoric feelings specifically, but I don't think it's an inherent sign of mental illness or irrational for trans men or other female trans people to avoid authorities trying to invalidate or reinterpret their experiences with gender, sexuality, and their bodies. Maintaining a core identity (even if it's a male one) that is untouchable by others trying to convince you out of rejecting womanhood, when "accepting womanhood" means a shitton of gross, dirty, and violating things, absolutely makes sense, and I'm never going to try to convince anybody otherwise. Therapy is inherently intended to guide you to "better functioning" and for most therapists, this means decreasing your friction against social reality so you can hold a job, housing, maintain relationships, and so forth. Obviously being able to survive is important, but being able to survive in this world means making some horrible bargains against your well-being (such as devoting forty hours a week to being captive to people who don't share your interests in a place you don't want to be so you can make enough money for shelter and food) and therapists do not usually frame these bargains as having severe costs. They sometimes actually frame you as ill precisely because you recognize the costs of these decisions, and because you fixate on trying to find a way to escape them. So why would you go to a therapist, then, so you can make yourself believe you are a woman again, if that therapist won't acknowledge the costs of everything required for you to psychologically adopt that identity as well as try to adjust as a "proper woman" to others and gives you a pathological label for insisting that the costs are real or too high? If you are a trans person attracted to your same sex, why would you try to go to a therapist to adjust to being a lesbian for example when few therapists even know what healthy adjustment looks like, nonetheless the kinds of terrible bargains you have to make to avoid or deal with homophobia? One of the most isolating and devastating things about having gender dysphoria is that nobody else seemingly sees how awful it is to be female, and the people around you who should be supportive of you (your female family members, friends, peers, coworkers, etc.) are invested in doubling down about how happy they are and how great it is to do things that you find invasive and traumatic, and seem to be in horrific denial of how it could possibly affect you and may even attempt to force you to adopt these practices and attitudes yourself. If therapy is supposed to get rid of these feelings and replace them with the feelings of the women around you, of course you won't go! Of course you won't go to therapy if the therapist herself is one of these women, or is a man who does not seem to get it at all. If "adjusting" and "functioning" means accepting your lot, trying to gaslight yourself into believing your shame about your existence was unwarranted, crazy, or came from nowhere, and fixing your dysphoria means learning to act and speak and think like these other women and to LOVE it, then hell no, most of us will not adjust or function until our feelings are recognized in some way or another. For some of us this means maintaining being trans and pursuing transition, and for others it means politicizing our experience and becoming active feminists and/or radically anti-authoritarian. It’s telling to me that the medical industry is supportive of one rather than the other, because the latter choice is more likely to indict psychology as a practice and transition is capable of being incorporated into medicine. But seeing it that way is a function of my political view on the whole thing.

#writings #dysphoria

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wangquest · 6 years ago

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Trans Oral History Project

Back in August I was interviewed for the Trans Oral History Project, and they created a transcript of my interview. As the only person (so far) that they were interviewing who was pursuing a phalloplasty, a lot of our conversation revolved around the medical side of my transition, which I was happy to talk about.

As it’s very long, I’ve put it under a Read More.

Interviewer: This is a oral history project centered on the experiences of trans identifying people. It is August 25, 2018, and this is being recorded at my apartment. So can you tell me a bit about your experiences with accessing medical transitioning? Me: Sure. So, I’ve been very lucky and very privileged with my access to medical transitions. I have a very supportive family--though I wasn’t covered under my parents’ insurance for some of my medical procedures because they were under Texas Blue Cross Blue Shield before the ACA. They had an explicit transgender exclusion, so my family paid for my top surgery and they paid for my hysterectomy which was nice. I wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise. So I’m extremely, extremely privileged in that way. My mom came with me to San Francisco when I got my top surgery. She came up here to NYC to sleep on my couch when I had my hysterectomy. That was really good, as it was an extra caretaker. But now I’m getting my phalloplasty and for once I’m now on an insurance that covers it, which is great. The issue is that now I’m learning about the amount of gatekeeping that goes into that. So, for some context, I’m in a unionized job. And because of that they have a very robust health insurance. And because I live New York City we’ve got the human’s rights laws protecting me in New York City. We got human’s rights laws from New York state as well. We’re very covered. Even if federal protection were taken away or stripped away, I’m still definitely going to be covered which is really good. The only issue is that they are asking “Do you qualify for these procedures?” I need to jump through a lot of hoops. I need to have two letters from medical mental health providers. One which is preferably is an MD or PhD. I need to have---at least one of them is supposed to have a specialty in gender therapy. And it’s very hard to find someone who has explicitly a specialty in that. Then I also have to get a letter from my physical healthcare specialist saying basically, “Yeah he’s been on hormones for a while” which is easy for me since I’ve been on them since 2010. So that’s not hard, but the really hard thing is finding all the mental health stuff because there aren’t a lot of the people who are working as gender therapy practitioners and things like that. It’s also really awkward, because therapists who focus on gender dysphoria are usually focused on people who are at the start of their transition. Just coming into their understanding of things. I don’t want to say “far down their transition” because some people don’t want a phalloplasty. And that’s fine, but for people who are in a place where I am who do want it---what am I supposed to say? Most of us has been on hormones for a while. Most of us, have been socially transitioned for a long time. It’s really frustrating to be forced to go through gender therapy at this stage of my life. I joked with my wife, “Can I just send them a picture of my beard or something?” And that’s not saying having a beard is inherently masculine. But what do you want from me to prove you that I’m a guy? When I’ve been socially transitioned and on hormones for over 7 years. Why do you need this extra hoop? Don’t you think I would’ve had second thoughts already? And that’s really frustrating to me. That sort of thing is really frustrating about the insurance requiring these sorts of very specific letters. Interviewer: Do you have to seek out gender therapy on your own? Me: I got a referral. Everyone was really nice and really helpful and stuff like that, but finding someone who specialize in gender therapy and who had open slots was hard. I had to go to Jersey. Especially because I had to have two letters from two separate people. I’m just like, “Why? Why do I need this much proof to show to you?” I just…I don’t know the statistics of how many people seek out a phalloplasty and don’t want it, but I’m pretty sure if you’re gonna go through something that’s this intense you probably know you want it. And that’s really frustrating to me. The nice thing is that my doctor is really cool. I’m going to be with Dr. Curtis Crane who’s very experienced. The really good thing is that his practice is in Austin as well as San Francisco. My mother was very excited about that because she lives near Austin, and so she can see me without having to fly. So she’s very excited about that. So yeah, I’m kind of dealing with that aspect. I’ve been very lucky because of the fact that I used trans friendly doctors a lot so I haven’t had a lot of horror stories of really bad doctor experiences because of the fact that I work with a doctors who are explicitly for LGBTQ communities. But it’s the amount of gatekeeping that’s happening with my insurance now has been really frustrating. So that’s kind of where I’m at there.

Interviewer: How’s the social and emotional environment seeking phalloplasty or even wanting phalloplasty?

Me: It’s hard. I knew that when I first kind of started looking into it, though. I mean one of the most famous magazines for transmen was literally called “Original Plumbing.” Which gives an idea of how people view trans guys like me who seek phalloplasty. There’s a lot of stigma and there’s a lot of shame centered around men who want a phalloplasty. There are people who will call them “Franken-penises.” The amount of shitty things that I hear people about them is so much that most phalloplasty facebook groups, most phalloplasty social groups in general, are incredibly secretive. Often you have to prove that you’re in the process of trying to have one because otherwise they’re so inundated with people who basically come in to either gawk and treat you like a freak, or to come in to talk about how phalloplasty is inherently bad. They say things like “they’re just obviously going to be badly done,” and “you’re not going to look right.”

Interviewer: Just to clarify, this includes transmen?

Me: Oh yeah, this heavily includes transmen. There are a lot of transmen who--for whatever reason—who have decided to be really shitty to people with phalloplasties. And I’m just like, “I don’t know why.” I understand why some people don’t want it for themselves. That’s cool, that’s your own choice, but there’s this weird vitriol against men who decide to get phalloplasties. I think that part of it that the results of phalloplasty used to be less similar to how cis men’s penises look like in the past. There are a lot of people who think that they still look like that, and they still work like that. So some people are either upset that they can’t get one or they see it as people doing something stupid. Then they kind of let that out onto people who are doing them.

And the thing is, the technology for phalloplasty has actually gotten really good. Like, full sensation is very, very common. It’s almost rare now that you don’t have at least some sensation. There’s a number of different techniques for whatever configuration that you want for your junk. There are still high rates of complications, but they’re usually complications that can be dealt with and can that can be fixed. And they…if what you want is to have genitalia that looks similar to cis man’s they are very good. I’ve looked at pictures and I looked at videos and in person. They look very, very similar to a cis penis. And if that’s something you want, if that helps your dysphoria, then that’s great. And it will help me, it helps my dysphoria to have something like that. That’s what I want, and it’s just really frustrating to me that there’s so much stigma and animosity against it. There are just a lot of people who view as this procedure as “why are you trying? Because it’s not ever going to look right.” And it’s like one, you’re never going to know what I want. Don’t talk to me about looking right. And two, if what you mean by looking right is looking cis then actually yeah, you can get that. That’s not an impossibility. That’s my screed.

Interviewer: So you’re talking about phallo, and we’re just gonna talk a little more about the other medical procedures trans masc people go through.

Me: Yeah sure. So, I had a laparoscopic total abdominal hysterectomy, so I only had four tiny little…incisions that were each 5 millimeters long, and they were on my stomach. One was in my belly button and one is a little bit above my belly button. Then there were two on the sides of my belly button. They basically just used a robot blender to cut things up very, very fine and then took it all out. So I didn’t even stay overnight. I walked out afterword. It was a full complete cleaning out. It got rid of all the organs in the area like the cervix, ovaries, uterus, and fallopian tubes. And after I just walked out. I waddled out, let’s be honest. Then I was walking around within a few days. I had to wear sweatpants for like a week. And that was basically the entirety of my recovery because it was all internal damage. So the recovery was easier in a lot of ways because it was mostly just the fact that you’re just getting a lot of internal trauma due to the laparoscopic nature of it. But it heals pretty quickly, and it heals pretty easily in most cases. At least my case. I actually got it for a lot of different reasons. Partially because I didn’t want kids. I didn’t want kids biologically, and I didn’t want kids period. So it wasn’t really a loss for me. I have friends who are trans dudes who have kids while by pausing their testosterone temporarily, and they were fine. I have one friend who has two kids that he had with his trans partner, which was like awesome and great for them. I have a cat, and that’s all I really need. But one of the really big things for me was the risks of internal atrophy. So testosterone will often, I think it’s a 45% chance or so, have a rate of causing uterine and vaginal atrophy. Which means that you can get some internal spasms. You can sometimes get issues with fibers growth similar to PCOS--they’re not exactly the same--on like your various organ parts. And that can cause pain or that can cause issues down the line. So it’s the sort of thing where if you want to keep your organs there are ways to do that, and there are ways to mitigate those effects. I didn’t really look into them because if I didn’t really see any reason not to take them out. Atrophy is also an issue that isn’t just about internal organs. Atrophy also occurs on the genitalia due to testosterone. The problem with that is you get little fissures, like little tiny fissures internally and externally on your junk. The problem with it is that the traditional way to treat it, like when you go to the doctors, is that they say, “Well we usually use topical estrogen to treat that” because it occurs in women who have low estrogen. And I was like, “Ok but no.” Some guys use it and they’re fine with it, that’s totally chill. That’s fine. But in my case scent is very important to me, and it does change your general scent to something that’s not going to be testosterone related. For me, that is just like a 100% hell no. So I did some research, and I learned that you can treat it externally if you use a silicone lube that has vitamin E in it. So I use Uber Lube. I feel like I’m doing product placement now, but you can use a small amount of it and do it every night on your junk, and it made it so I wasn’t getting fissures anymore because the vitamin E was helping with elasticity and stuff like that and the moisture helped with any dryness issues so that was really nice. So that’s what I would suggest if you’re having that kind of issue and you don’t want to use the traditional topical estrogen method. It’s frustrating because those are the things we never get talked to about. If you take testosterone you’ll grow a beard, and you’ll like sweat more, and you’ll have this stuff and that stuff. No one talks about how you might develop atrophy. Like, no one talked to me about this. It’s not like it would’ve changed my decision to get on hrt, but it would’ve been cool to be prepped! [laughter] Also, I know some guys will sometimes do stuff where they keep an ovary in or something like that because they want the option to being produce estrogen if they choose to go off testosterone or something like that. Because the problem is you do need one of the two hormones. You need to have estrogen or testosterone in your system to be healthy. So if you ever choose to go off testosterone when you’ve had a full hysterectomy that includes taking an ovariectomy and everything you really do need to start take a type of hormone. Like you need to take estrogen or you need to take testosterone even if it might be in lower amounts or something. That’s why people have issues when they go into menopause; they’re not getting enough of one of those hormones. For top surgery, I don’t know. I feel like my advice for top surgery is the same advice I have for any major surgery ever. Which is that there are these little patches for anti-nausea that you put them behind your ear, and they work for three days or so. The medications that you get for pain killers will make you nauseated. So my doctor made sure I had one of those on for my first week after surgery, and I never had nausea issues. Thinking about how much, you know, stuff was probably going on with my chest at the time because I just had a major surgery, I mean, I lost four pounds. [Laughter] I was very large chested, and if I ever had to throw up during that time it would have really sucked. And I was on a lot of Percocet. My poor mother. I was so demanding because I was extremely high on all the pain meds. In those first three days I’d be like, “Give me tea!” and my mom would be like, “I literally just put a cup of tea next to you” and I was like, “A different tea!”. And I threatened to—oh god—whenever she would do something and it wasn’t fast enough I would threaten to squirt her with my drains. She was like, “One: Ew. Two: You literally can’t squirt people with your drains. They’re not pressurized where you can squirt things. You just empty them into a sink. They’re not pressurized into a thing that is possible,” But I was just silly. I was like, “I don’t know, I’ll make it happen. I’ll make physics do what I want.” Which leads me to, if you can, if you have top surgery, or you have a surgery like phalloplasty, or even a metoidioplasty or anything like that, have someone who’s a caretaker that you know because you’re going to be real high at first. You need someone who loves you, or at least is a friend who won’t want to murder you after those first few days where you’re going to be real high and real helpless. I’m very lucky that I had my mom, and now I have my wife with me. My biggest concern for her is caregiver fatigue. One of the reasons I’m happy my family is there too. My sister is there, who is a doctor, which is great. There’s my mom, you know, and there’s my dad. There’s people there who can take some of the burden off of her and give her social interaction that I won’t be able to do if I’m in the middle of healing and stuff like that, so I really want to make sure that she’s not having all the pressure on her. Once again, this is one of those things that demonstrates my privilege. I’m incredibly privileged. I have a family who will help. A lot of people don’t, and that’s a big privilege that I have. I have the funds to be able to travel, all the way down to Texas for my surgery to get the doctor that I really wanted. I have a job that gives me 3 months of paid time off. That’s a huge privilege. These are all things that like having to balance different aspects of your life. This is why we have so many GoFundMes for procedures like this, and that’s why I always try to give to those GoFundMes because there’s a lot of privilege that comes with my personal interactions with these procedures. Because of the support network that I have, because of the monetary situation that I’m currently in, and there are a lot of people who can’t get the treatments that they need because of the fact that they don’t have the funds. Even though they’re being covered by insurance, right? They’re being covered by insurance, but are they being covered by the time off they’ll need for optimal healing? The worst complications happen in the first two months. So I’m able to be right by my doctor for the first two months, but a lot of people can’t be. They have to go right back home because they have to go to work soon. That’s a lot, that’s a lot. And having a dedicated caregiver, having my wife there, having someone who has a job that can allow her to be with me. Because of the fact she’s a cartoonist and writer who can move her job because she works from home. That’s huge. So that’s the sort of thing that I feel like if there’s anything that I’d advise to people who are friends with trans people who are going through surgery or something like that, to reach out and try to offer help. Even if it’s just like, “I will make you dinner” or “I will come and be with you and be present with you for like a day” or something. A lot of people don’t have the support network that I do, don’t have an ongoing relationship that I do. And allowing them to have that is important. I know that I’m going to be asking for that from friends of mine who live in the area of Texas that can come hangout with, my wife. I love her a lot and she’s going to be having a lot of stress, a lot of burden, and I don’t want her to be isolated. The fact that she’s willing to do all this is huge and I’m very lucky to have her.

It’s gonna be a very big procedure. It’s one of the things also that I feel very lucky that I’m with someone who is so okay with all this. I’m not doing this for her. I’m doing this for my own dysphoria. And I feel very lucky that I’m with someone who likes my penis now and is excited about my penis later [laughter] and doesn’t have kind of issues with either. And yes, part of that is the fact that she doesn’t have genital preferences so she’s like, “I don’t care” and that’s a comforting thing with our relationship. But it’s not true for everybody. So some people have to not only having to process this all by themselves, they’re also having to process their partner’s emotions and dealing with that so it’s harder on them there too. So I feel very lucky that she’s gung ho for all kind of wang…That’s probably not the best way of putting it. It was funny when I was in the doctor’s office. He’s a cis man, but he’s been doing this for quite a while. And one of the things that I saw when I was reading up on him was that people were like, “Well he seems very callous” but I think it’s because he has a sense of humor about it at this point. His bedside manner was exactly what I needed. It was great because we were talking about it, and one of the things we talked about was why am I getting RFF I’m getting. Which is good for people who are heavier because I’m a little heavier. He mentioned one of the reasons why it’s good that we’re doing that is because if I was doing ALT (taking from the thigh instead of the forearm) there might be issues with a bit of a “coke can” problem where it would be a little bit too girthy because of my weight. So he was like, “I’m glad that you want that because I think that’s the best for you.” And he just gestures at my partner who’s in the room with me saying, “It’ll be good for you and it’ll be best for her” and it was just this really funny moment. I can understand why some people would be like, “That’s very cavalier to be saying something like that” but it made it feel like it was less stressful. It was the sort of moment like, “Yep, this is the the moment where we acknowledge that we’re talking about penises.” We all know that at one point my intention is to use it with my partner, and no one is awkwardly avoiding that fact. I think her response to him saying that she wouldn’t want something massively large was actually, “You don’t know me.” which was really funny. She was like, “You don’t know me.” And he conceded that point and we all laughed. So relationship wise I feel I really lucked out with her. She’s so supportive throughout our relationship. I talked to her early on that this was something I’d probably want years ago, but it was always the sort of the thing where I wanted it to get to the point where I felt comfortable with how far the technology has gotten. Even just comparing the last 5 years phalloplasties have gotten better and better. Success rates have been higher. Glansplasties becoming more common were a big thing for me. For me, aesthetics are very important, and aesthetically a glansplasty is really, really beneficial. Medical tattooing is also a thing that I’m going be doing to give proper coloration and such. I was like, “Can you do medical tattooing before sensation comes back?” and the response was “not usually”. I was like, “Oh no that’ll be terrible.” But I’ll deal. The only problem is going to the laser places. These aren’t people who are used to doing one arm. Just one of your arms. It’s just always awkward because they’re always like, “Well don’t you want the other arm?” And I have to say, “No this is for a medical procedure.” Sometimes they push to try to get an answer that’s more detailed and sometimes they don’t. The ones that push I’m like, “It’s for a penis…it’s for a penis, ok?” and that will make them stop pushing at me. But I usually don’t want to open with, “It’s gonna be a penis!” You don’t need to know that about my life, stranger. So now I’ve got this thing where I’m walking around with one arm that’s bare because I’ve been doing lasers and electrolysis so I don’t have a wooly wang. It’s really funny looking. I think that having a sense of humor about something that’s scary is helpful for me. I was rubbing lotion on my arm after a particularly painful electrolysis session and my wife was helping me with it. And I was like, “Is this basically a handjob from the future?” and she replied with saying fondly, “You’re going to be a penis soon, it’ll be good” and pats my arm. I was like, “Thank you for talking to it. Confirming its desires.” And she nods sagely and said, “Yeah it knows…someday”.

I do comment sometimes that I feel like I’m getting this phallo partially for dysphoria sake and partially so that I can make a lot of dick jokes now. So many dick jokes. And that is why we’re all here today.

Interviewer: I think just a question you’d like to…especially since we’re talking about transman issues and you’ve been giving a lot of advice. Is there anything…doesn’t have to be medically related or even trans related really. Is there anything you’d like people a little bit younger than you to hear? Me: I guess one of the biggest things is that I realized that I was trans when I was 18 but I didn’t start socially transition to living my life as a man until I was 23. And the reason why was because I thought I wouldn’t look right so people would never see me as a man. I think that my biggest advice would be: People look all sorts of ways. Cis people too! You don’t have to look a certain way to be a guy or girl or whatever. This is especially for people who are binary identified because I think this is a big fear of a lot of binary identified men and women. I think there are a lot of people who are scared to transition because they feel they’ll never be seen as a “real man” or a “real woman.” But trans people are real. Even if you do not look like what you perceive a cis person “should look like” that doesn’t matter. Also you’d be surprised. People don’t necessarily look at someone and immediately try to decide whether or not they’re trans or not. Like being short. There are short cis dudes all over the place. Or maybe you’re a trans woman who’s butch and you’re like, “But if I transition will people really think I’m a woman because I’m butch? Do I suddenly have to wear frilly clothes all the time?” There are plenty of butch cis ladies. Like you can be a butch trans woman. You can be a femme gay trans dude. I know examples of both of these, and there’s no one way to be a man or a woman. There’s no cookie cutter sort of way of how you have to look like. There’s no height that you’re supposed to be. There’s no amount of facial hair that you have to have. I know plenty of guys who are cis men who can’t grow a beard, and I know plenty of cis women with mustaches. These are not things that mean you’re a man or a woman. If I could have gone back in time and told myself when I was 18 that I could’ve been happier and healthier by transitioning when I realized what my gender was instead of feeling so scared that people would reject me or that I wouldn’t look the right way. I really wish I could because I 1) Was really having a lot of stress and upset feelings during that time that I could’ve avoided. 5 years of me basically knowing that I trans and being really upset about it. And 2) I also missed out on things. Like one of my friends, the first thing he said when I came out as a man was, “I’m really sad you didn’t come out during college about being a guy because I would’ve been so excited about having you as a frat brother.” I know that he’s telling the truth because of the fact that there’s another trans dude in our friends group, who he did in fact have in his frat house. And this wasn’t a really one of those shitty frats, it was basically the nerd frat which is why I had so much crossover. It was absolutely full of nerds. They were really nice. And I could have had that experience, I could have had the sort of connection with him that I don’t get to have because I chose to not be myself because I was so scared. And so I think that my biggest caveat is “if it is safe,” because if it’s not safe that’s an understandable thing. If you don’t feel safe to be open about your gender, that’s ok. But I was in a very safe environment, I was in a liberal college, I have liberal family. I would’ve been ok. I was scared about ridicule, and I was scared that people would think that I wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t a safety thing for me, and I feel like I could’ve had a less stressful 5 years. So I guess my biggest thing is don’t be scared that you won’t be good enough. It’s ok, especially as people understand trans people a lot more now. And I also get that we have a very scary environment right now because of current politics. So if you are scared because of that, that is valid. But if you have a safe environment that you can transition in, and you’re worried that you won’t be good enough at being whatever gender you are; you are. There’s no one way to be a man or a woman. So I guess that’s what my big final piece of advice would be.

#trans #phalloplasty #medical transition #Trans Oral History Project #transgender #trans man

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promiseimnotacop · 6 years ago

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let's go about this a different way: pick your fave ten questions from the trans journey ask game and answer them!

bold of you to assume I’ve ever managed to make a decision in my life. also warning this gonna be looooooong

from this ask game

1. How did you choose your name?

so I’ve always been interested in names and a couple years before i ever came out to anyone I asked my mum casually if there were any other names she’d considered giving me. She said that Finn or Finnbar were up there had I “”been born a boy”” and so I latched on to that. It worked pretty well for me because I wanted something that felt like an equivalent exchange for my birthname and that I didn’t associate strongly with a particular individual and I’d never had a Finn in my year at school so that was all hunky dory. Took me a while longer to figure out middle names (because my birthname has two middle names and it’s sort of a tradition on my dad’s side so I wanted to have those).

There was a hot minute when I considered calling myself “Hugo Finn” which I’m so glad I didn’t, not that it is objectively a bad name, but because my reasoning was erm....bad. It was at a time when I had a lot of internalised self hatred/disgust and the name Hugo I first came across and associated heavily with the morally ambiguous “freak” from ASOUE. At the time I thought using a name I associated so heavily with the word freak was a way of subverting negative feelings but tbh it wasn’t. I’m so glad I didn’t tether myself that negativity.

Also fun fact, my birthname is Shakespearean protagonist who spends most of the play dressed as a boy so again for a hot second I considered using the name she does, Fidele, but I wasn’t about having a super conspicuously uncommon name.

For middle names in the end I went for James Lee (though nothing is legal or set in stone feedback and opinions are welcome lol). Lee came first, after the river in my village that I have a lot of postive memories associated with, outside of all the gender bullshit. The problem then became that the name “Finn Lee” would sound like/get mistaken for “Finley” and “Finnbar Lee” would sound like “Finn Barley” which would be eccentric and confusing. So it needed a buffer. In the end I went for James, partly because the first middle name of my given name is a saint, but mostly because James can be Jim and that allows for some of my childhood nicknames (im jim jam, imbo jimbo) to sort of still apply. that was a long answer to a short question lol but I spent a lot of time thinking about this because for some reason I felt like I couldn’t come out until I’d already settled on a full name.

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

I don’t think they’re separable. I have dysphoria about my body but it is because of societal perceptions of my body

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

depends on how savvy that person is to trans jargon honestly. The best, if clunky, label I’ve found for my gender is “transmasculine non-binary” which is two different quite broad umbrella terms lol. I like the looseness of it. For me personally, it means that the framework of masculinity and maleness is not an exact fit and does not cover some of the complexities of my gender but, in my daily interactions it is a close enough approximation and I do desire to pursue parts of what might be considered a “trans masculine” medical transition. For the most part masculine coded language (including he/him pronouns) is what suits me the best, with only a few particular exceptions. So, for most of the world I am functionally “a man” (even though that is one of the few bits of masculine coded language I don’t gel with), or maybe “a gender non-conforming man” and I am not gonna split hairs about that if we aren’t close.

But if we’re seriously getting into a chat about gender there’s a lot more to be said. If drawing a diagram of my gender I would say I’m about 55% male, 30% “other”/third gender/maverique/genderqueer/whatever you want to call a gender identity autonomous and seperate from male or female, and 15% nothing/void. And all of that is subject to fluctuate a bit and which parts I might connect with most can be slightly contextual. I am more “a man” than anything else but also pretending to be a binary man is cutting out a significant part.

12. Do you pass?

Let’s unpack the most Problematique question lol. Just kidding. It is important to acknowledge how “passing” or not effects daily safety/experiences but....god can we not use that word? Can that not be the agreed upon term? The implication that you are otherwise “failing”? The way in which it is incredibly difficult to apply to no-binary people? The way it does not acknowledge the nuances and the way that being read as a certain gender can be conditional?

I prefer to use the terms “read as” because it allows for more nuanced discussion, does not have moralistic implications, puts the onus on the people viewing - not the individual being viewed and is kinda intuitive to understand.

To answer the question though? For the most part (like maybe 80% of the time) I am read as male. By no means always, and it is conditional on me following a certain level of gender conformity, but for the most part I interact with the world being addressed as a guy. As someone who is very much pre-t it seems that this alone subverts the standard “trans narrative”. Hell I was mostly read as male for a while before I ever came out. I’ve been corrected and laughed at in the women’s bathrooms. I’ve been harassed for gender nonconformity not in spite of but because I was wearing “girl’s” uniform. I have had fellow trans people assume I was a cis man (on more than one occasion) even when I introduced myself by my very much feminine birthname. I have little kids point blank refuse to believe I am “a girl”. I have had strangers confront and correct my mum for addressing me with she/her pronouns (before I was out). I have had kids yell the T slur at me (before I had begun to learn the invisible rules - which to be totally clear are bullshit -that need to be followed in order to be more consistently and unerringly read as male). I’ve been read as male occasionally in contexts where it was impossible for me to be out (near strangers on holiday whilst using birthname, new teachers and students at a school i’d been at since I was 11 and worn “girl’s uniform” until 16, etc).

It’s by no means always though. Which makes the times I don’t difficult and awkward. The technician on my course refers to me with feminine language but none of my tutors. The other day I tried out wearing eye shadow to class and I guy I bumped into later said that he hadn’t recognised me because it made me look like a girl (cringe). etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

haha i don’t go. I literally haven’t been to the men’s bathroom (apart from once on holiday) but also i get harassed in the women’s/get directed towards the men’s so.....here’s to hoping I don’t get a UTI lads. Literally been in a public loos once since June (not including holiday abroad) and then i nipped into the disabled one during shark week.

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

so at the beginning of uni I sort of tried to go stealth to see if I could/if it was comfortable (and by go stealth I mostly mean I just didn’t openly talk about my trans-ness for a while). I didn’t wanna be known as ‘the trans one’ and so i didn’t want to introduce myself with that fact. It fucking sucked would not recommend 0/10. It’s incredibly lonely-making to try and filter your experiences and to not be able to discuss certain issues with anyone irl.

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I used to do this thing when I was feeling particularly dysphoric/hopeless where I would draw myself now, and myself in 5 years time. Help construct something to look forward to, and work out what I would sincerely like to wear/express but don’t due to dysphoria. For me I really want to get to a place where I am comfortable in androgyny. I want to grow my hair out without sacrificing being read as male. I want to wear long skirts and crop tops whilst still being read and understood as a guy. I’ve done a lot of self reflection and I don’t think I can get to the place of being comfortable until I have had top surgery and I might also require T (though top surgery is really the necessity for my day to day life). Fingers crossed that will be possible and slightly healed within 5 years but given the NHS it really is not certain.

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

T4T is self care. Jk. Honestly probably but that’s not to say a cis person couldn’t be my ideal partner? like at any rate it’s fucking necessary that my partner fully understands/perceives me to not be a woman. They could just be cis and no. 1 ally but in all likeliness they’re probably gonna be trans (particularly given the number trans and/or nb cuties out there)

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

I’m not managing. Send help.

seriously every week I have a break down about how long NHS wait times are.

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I’m an art student in Brighton. Yes.

(Also my sibling Sumner is an NB lesbian, and my childhood best friend Hunter is NB).

Literally going to be one cis person in my house of six next year.

#rockintwink

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megareviews · 6 years ago

Text

Spring 2019 First Impressions

The Spring list is late as usual (is it usual if it’s only the second instance?), but at least I’m closer to the beginning than last year. I’ve reached 50% completion on the doing this for an entire year consistently, so nice.

Aikatsu Friends!: Kagayaki no Jewel (Aikatsu Friends!: Jewel of Radiance): Aikatsu is relatively low on my priority list of magical girl megaseries.

Bakugan Battle Planet: This show actually premiered last semester, but in English, and this season is when the Japanese dub started. Either way it’s somewhere deep in the Bakugan series, which is based off of what are probably my least played children’s toys.

BAKUMATSU Crisis: Second season of an otome game adaption that looked okay when I started it, but I still haven’t watched past the first episode.

Bokutachi wa Benkyou ga Dekinai (Bokuben / We Never Learn): The main show that I know the source material of, and it is just about meeting my expectations. An average guy who has to study rigorously to maintain his average grades is put in charge of tutoring the two smartest people in his school. This might not make sense until it’s explained that he has to tutor them in their worst subjects, because those subjects are the ones they want to major in for college. It’s a nice theme of working hard for what you enjoy situated in a rom-com with some haremy aspects and an unusually high density of goofy faces, so watch it if you like those aspects.

Bungou Stray Dogs 3: I still need to see what they did with HP Lovecraft in season 2

Carole & Tuesday: What happens when a runaway rich girl and a poor orphan girl meet up on Mars? They form a band of course. A tale of two lonely souls finding each other and become a little less lonely in a big world, making music together. It looks great and it sounds amazing, so this is definitely a priority watch.

Chou Kadou Girl 1/6 (Amazing Stranger): Imagine Buzz Lightyear from the original Toy Story except in a 20 -something guy’s house and then failing the don’t move when humans are around rule almost immediately. That’s what this show is.

Cinderella Girls Gekijou CLIMAX SEASON (Cinderella Girls Theater CLIMAX SEASON): For somebody who doesn’t watch idol shows, the theater shorts are pretty fun, though I’m not nearly caught up in this one to say how this season is going.

Diamond no Ace Act II: Oh boy there’s so much baseball this season and a lot of it is sequels.

Fairy Gone: There’s a lot of things going on in this show but I think I can simplify it to military use of fairies to give soldiers super powers. The protagonist has been taking jobs as a mercenary to find her sister who was split from her after their village was burnt down. Then at an auction that she works as a guard, things start going wrong and the thief who appears is none other than that sister. The first episode ends with the end of a three way fight between security and the girls, so I’m not sure where the show’s going at all. Maybe if the show didn’t flash back to the protagonist’s village burning down three times, there would be a little more time to give direction.

Fruits Basket (2019): I never know how to deal with reboots for shows that I can remember, but haven’t seen the original. I know there’s people who turn into animals and a “do the carpets match the drapes” joke, and that’s about it from the 2001 anime.

Gunjou no Magmel (Magmel of the Blue Sea): After a new continent appears in the world, explorers flock to it, not always as prepared as they should be for venturing into the unknown. The main character works at a company to rescue explorers from mishaps along with a few others. The worldbuilding is interesting and the main character’s black lightning is pretty cool looking, but his attitude and decision making abilities kinda put me off for now. That and the comprehensibility of the subtitles I was watching fell off a cliff halfway through the episode.

Hachigatsu no Cinderella Nine (Cinderella Nine in August): So far it looks like a pretty standard club building show based around women’s baseball. It looks nice and we have 4 club members as of the first episode, so they should make it to at least full team of nine pretty quickly. It looks nice outside of an odd montage near the end of the episode when the club plays a game with some local kids, and the character designs are a bit more memorable than the usual baseball cast. I appreciate the fact that they’re playing hardball, but I’m not the type of person to watch anything sports ever.

Hangyaku-sei Million Arthur 2 (Operation Han-Gyaku-Sei Million Arthur): All I know about this show is that there’s a bunch of characters named Arthur and that it’s a sequel.

Hitoribocchi no Marumaru Seikatsu (Hitori Bocchi's ○○ Lifestyle): When one of the most socially anxious kids in elementary school gets separated by her only friend when they go to different middle schools, her friend gives her a quest: to become friends with everybody in her new class. She’s got a real go-getter attitude, but from feeling physical pain from trying to talk to a stranger to fainting when somebody actually responds to her, she’s got a rough path ahead of her. It’s a really fun show that gets you rooting for the main character in her attempts of communicating with others in a normal manner.

Isekai Quartet: Four of the biggest isekai series in one short mash-up is a recipe for confusion. Especially since they’re all put together in a school setting where no fighting is allowed, even if there are holy gods and undead abominations in the same class. Anything can happen with all these people taken from their original normal lives, tossed into various fantasy worlds, and then slam dunked back into a relatively normal setting.

Jimoto ga Japan (I’m From Japan): I cannot find a trace of the anime anywhere online and I am glad of this having read the manga. It is just a really dumb comedy about Japanese prefectures that I struggled to read a few chapters of before giving up.

Joushikausei: A silent anime, as in there’s no spoken words, about a few high school girls. It’s an interesting concept, but I found it a bit uncomfortable to watch, mostly due to the whimpering and other nonverbal noises the girls were making.

Kedama no Gonjirou (Gonjiro the Yarn Ball): A children’s show that hasn’t been licensed and no group is fansubbing it, how unusual… It actually looks interesting though so I might search for the raws to check it out.

Kenja no Mago (The Magi’s Grandson): A child raised by a powerful wizard in the country reaches an age where he can move out to the city and attend a magical high school. Unfortunately for him, his parental figures only taught him combat and magic, so he doesn’t really know how to sustain himself in the reals world. It is a decent concept but there’s a 50/50 chance of any scene looking nice or looking awful, and the scene transitions all look like they were made in Powerpoint.

Kimetsu no Yaiba (Demon Slaying Blade): A happy family of coal sellers is destroyed in a night when a demon strikes. The eldest son was out due to a combination of work and a blizzard, and when he returns he finds all but one of his family members completely cold and covered in blood. This last member is rushed down the mountainside for medical aid, only to turn into a demon on the way down. A meeting with a demon slayer turns tricky as he tries to protect his demonized sister who’s fighting between killing instincts and her love of her brother. The opening promises some beautiful animations and the overall show isn’t slacking either, so overall it’s a very promising show.

KING OF PRISM -Shiny Seven Stars-: It’s the TV version of a boy band movie tetralogy which is also a sequel I think?

Kiratto Pri☆chan Season 2: A sequel to a idol anime that I reviewed last year. I think this is one of the first times a sequel has shown up that I also reviewed the first season of, though unfortunately it was for a show that I didn’t watch fully.

Kono Oto Tomare! (Stop this Sound!): One more club building show for this season, this one about a Japanese instrument called a koto. After all the upperclassmen of the club graduated in the previous year, only the main character is left in the club, and needs more members before the club gets closed, the usual. The first new member is a seemingly delinquent 1st year who is surprisingly diligent. There wasn’t too much interesting or unique other than the topic of the club, so music fans might find this more watchable than I.

Kono Yo no Hate de Koi wo Utau Shoujo YU-NO (YU-NO: A Girl Who Chants Love at the Bound of this World): The first episode for this kind of front-loaded introducing characters and pulled out its premise of parallel dimensions and a device to navigate them towards the end, which means I’d probably have to watch another episode to figure out how I feel about it. It’s nice to not have a giant exposition dump take up the first episode of a show, especially since it will have two cours to tell a story, but I didn’t feel any particular gravitation towards the characters by this point, so I won’t be prioritizing any follow-up on it.

Mayonaka no Occult Koumuin (Midnight Occult Civil Servants): With a job at a place called the Nocturnal Community Relations Division, the first thought of the type of people dealt with is most likely not going to be fairies. Our main character is taken from a world of the ordinary to being able to see and talk to the supernatural creatures that live locally, called Anothers. His co-workers are equipped with magically enchanted police tape and other trinkets to help solve issues that occasionally arise between Anothers. I like the modern fantasy setting, and the fairly low level fights with the supernatural so far, so there’s promise in where the show goes.

Midara na Ao-chan wa Benkyou ga Dekinai (Ao Can’t Study): While the name Ao is usually blue, or sometimes even moth, in this case, it stands for Adult Only, the 18+ rating in Japan. This is due to her father’s profession, an erotic writer, and surprisingly, the main character hates her father for naming her that and spends her entire life studying to get into a college far enough away from him. This is thwarted by a guy confessing to her and filling her mind with romance and lewder thoughts, with the help of her father. I hate this as a concept and don’t watch this.

Mix: A semi-sequel baseball anime. I say semi, because from what I’ve gathered it is recommended but not necessary to watch the original first.

Nande Koko ni Sensei ga!? (Why is my Teacher Here!?): It’s about a male student and his teacher, ending up in awkward situations together, like being trapped together in a men’s bathroom stall. A show of pure fanservice through and through, so there’s not much else to say.

Namu Amida Butsu!: Rendai Utena: What started out as an action about cleansing impurities from the world gives us a quick bait ‘n switch to a slice of life about gods bumbling about in the human world attempting to be competent humans. I found it irritating to watch, and it was very clearly based off of a gacha game, which do not have a good track record of making good shows.

Nobunaga-sensei no Osanazuma (Nobunaga’s Young Bride): A modern age middle school teacher way down the ancestral tree of Oda Nobunaga meets the bride of the man himself, who traveled to the present from the day of the original Nobunaga’s death. She’s no older than when she left her original time, which leaves her at 14 years old, with no knowledge of modern day Japan so she’s stuck with the main character’s family and decides to be the new Nobunaga’s bride anyways, which… is weird.

One Punch Man 2: A big sequel of the season, and one where people have been waiting with wary anticipation due to the change in animation studio and director. It definitely looks a lot stiffer than the first season, for action and non-fight scenes, but the story is a bit more interesting in my opinion, as the show starts working on fleshing out other heroes and why they fight.

RobiHachi: the first episode of this really is a springboard for setting up what the plot and cast will be, just about starting right at the very end. We’ve got an ultra gullible man in debt, a genius teen with no sense of purpose, a robot rabbit helper, and their spaceship that blares its own theme song when it transforms into a mech. They set off to find a legendary planet that grants happiness after a couple of hijinks on their starting planet. It’s a very busy show, both visually and plot wise, but still an enjoyable experience if you can keep up.

Sarazanmai: 50% connecting with other people through oversharing with them, 50% kappas stealing souls from other people’s butts. It’s hard to describe the show but I’m having a good time, and the art is gorgeous, and special care is taken with little details in the show. I’d say watch the first episode definitely, and then decide whether or not to follow up on the rest of the show.

Senryuu Shoujo (Senryuu Girl): The focus of the show is on the Japanese poetry type of Senryuu, mostly because the main character can only communicate with others through writing these poems. Thankfully, she’s got some good friends and is in her school’s Literature Club, so she has plenty of practice and is around people who appreciate her work.

Sewayaki Kitsune no Senko-san (Meddlesome Fox Senko): The fox gods of the world have a duty to protect humans, and are becoming more proactive in seeking out humans with negative emotions before those emotions go out of control. In comes the male lead of the show, an overworked businessman who has basically just been going through the motions of life by this point. One of the fox gods appears in his house, doing the cooking, cleaning, and other tasks to help relieve the main guy’s stress. It’s comfy and there’s some funny moments, but I feel like the show would be better off as a more episodic show featuring various humans rather than just the one that it looks like the show will focus on. I’m also worried about the romance genre tag that the show has.

Shingeki no Kyojin 3 Part 2 (Attack on Titan 3 Part 2): I’m still on episode 5 of the original series, with no particular motivation to make it any further. More people die in bloody explosions probably.

Shoumetsu Toshi (Lost City): As the title of the show would imply there is a city that has been lost to humanity, as in, it just disappeared one day. The main female character is the only one who survived the city disappearing, and is targeted by a mysterious group due to that, and she tries to return to where the lost city used to be due to a message by her father who went missing with the city. In addition there was a monk with super powers who was standing on a motorcycle’s handlebars facing off against the main girl who could summon her Lost bodyguard with a bunch of guns but that was kinda just thrown in at the end.

Strike Witches 501 Butai Hasshin Shimasu! (Strike Witches 501st Join Fighter Wing Takes Off!): Oh god it’s been so long since I’ve consumed Strike Witches content. This is a slice of life spin off of the original series, so the context is recommended, but not necessary. The animation is also very much on the rough side for a ten minute long short.

Yatogame-chan Kansatsu Nikki (Yatogame’s Observation Diary): After briefly being disappointed in the lack of heavy Nagoya dialects encountered in Nagoya, the main character runs into a classmate who happens to have one. In addition, all of her favorite foods and animals are popular or famous in Nagoya, so he sticks around with her for meeting his ideals of what a Nagoyan should be. They then travel the city as part of the photography club to see all the sights of the city.

Youkai Watch!: Despite what it looks like from the title, this is pretty deep in a line of sequels of Youkai Watch.

#Megareviews #first episodes #anime review #Spring 2019

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dyingonthewestside-blog · 6 years ago

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Seeing my school counselor

Hi, I know that most of you reading probably don’t care, but that’s okay, because I’m sort of using this as a personal outlet and word dump to share my experience and feelings without caring about the opinions of people I know irl. Anyway, here’s a long story about going to see my school counselor for the first time. Read it if you want.

I’m trans ftm and at some point I felt like I was at my lowest. I thought about what I have to do to transition in the future, and how long I would have to wait because my parents wouldn’t let me.

My plan is to move out after graduating high school to another city to go to university, get my own medicare card, and start seeing a doctor to get testosterone, get top surgery, then bottom surgery (though I want to wait a little longer for better technology so that it would look more realistic). But each time I think about this, I also think about how many people I would have to come out to. My parents and grandparents already know my secret and are extremely against it. (My grandma said that I would have to wait until she dies to transition or she will commit suicide, and that’s super stressful) My extended family are all very traditionally Chinese, and most likely will be against it. I want people to know me for who I am, but I don’t want them to judge me. I really have to think about the friends I want to keep and those I would have to let go, since I go to a Catholic school.

Sorry I know I’m taking a long time to get to the main point, but it’s coming soon.

(suicide trigger warning)

I am also suicidal. I tried to drown myself in my pool when I was 11, but evidently that didn’t work out since I’m sixteen lol. I didn’t know why back then, just that I hated everything about myself and my body and that for some reason, I hated it when people called me a girl or ‘she’. Back then, I never felt happy with the way my life was going even though my family is in the upper middle class, I had friends, and I had good grades. I never thought I would live past 15. But somehow, a few days before I turned 15, I watched a documentary about being trans and something clicked. What the people were describing in the documentary matched what I felt exactly. That’s when I realized that I am trans. The only thing I live for now is to medically transition.

At some point earlier this year, I realized that I can’t do this alone. I needed someone who wouldn’t judge me and could refer me to a medical professional. I knew that my school had two counselors, but I I still hesitated going. I went to one of counselors two years ago about some separate issues, but she talked to me in a condescending way and told other people my problems. That made me want to pretend all my problems flew away and I didn’t want to go back. My school hired another counselor since then, but I didn’t want to go in case it would be like how it was before.

Last week, I decided that I should finally see someone about this. I knew if I went to the GP, my parents would know, but my parents wouldn’t know if I went and saw the school counselor. I wanted to improve my mood by alleviate the stress of having to keep my problems to myself. This counselor was empathetic and very caring. He asked me for my preferred name and listened to my plans for my future, and told me some useful things. It’s hard to find advice for transitioning in Australia, because most sites seem to be from America. Talking about it made me feel so much better and I know that there’s at least one adult I can talk about this to in real life.

If you’ve read up to this part, I’m surprised but you sure have patience. Thanks for reading. If you are going through a similar situation as me, I would recommend also seeing your school counselor if there is one.

#trans transftm ftm thoughts feelings idkwhatthisis rant lgbt transgender gender ranting ramble

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foragehawaii-blog · 6 years ago

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Q&A Former Die-hard Vegan

I met Terry a few months ago at the Kailua market when she came to pick up beef bones and liver. Through e-mail I had learned that she was converting from six years of Veganism, to embracing regenerative agriculture and eating more of a keto based diet. Terry had been the most die hard, activist, hard-core Vegan I had ever encountered. So I wondered, what changed her mind?

Due to the fact that I am a meat advocate, I have gotten my fair share of hate from the Vegan Dogma advocates. I have tried my best to stay neutral and remind myself that eating a vegan diet is not associated with hate and sophomania. I love and enjoy vegan meals. I also commend anyone making an effort toward improving their health and the environment and I’ve always known I share that in common with every vegan out there. I think vegan diets can be very helpful to people if it gets them on track to a better lifestyle and eating healthier. That being said, I believe (based on science) that a long term vegan diet is nutritionally inadequate and not optimal for health for most people and especially children. I also believe there is adequate evidence to confidently say, that it is not better for the environment that a diet based on the natural ecosystems of regenerative agriculture.

So...here is some of the Q&A I received from Terry:

Q: Tell us a little background about yourself and what your diet was like before you went vegan.

A: Typical S.A.D., (Stupid/Shitty American Diet), with improvements, along the course of my 60 plus years on this planet. I had minored in health in college, and seemed to be up on what foods were good for you, (as ruled by F.D.A. Food Pyramid, the American Medical Gods,etc.). I have/had no major health issues, like being over weight, diabetic, etc.

Q: Why did you decided to go vegan and for how long?

A: My oldest daughter had been vegetarian, then vegan, since high school, but I called her a "closet" vegan because she never said much about it...like her big mouth mom would have! We'd touch on it, in conversations along the years, with not much thought to my ever becoming veg/vegan myself!

It was the night before my birthday, and I had just got done talking with my daughter. I was on my way to bed, and thought, what's something new I could do on my birthday that I'd never done before? It hit me: I'll go Vegan!I went to bed, got up the next morning, and have been, 100% VEGAN, for 6 solid years ever since. (until August 16th of this year).

Q: Did you experience health benefits or detriments along the way?

A: I was on such a VEGAN HIGH, eating, breathing and sleeping VEGANISM, I thought I had died and gone to Vegan heaven! I was the Vegan Queen of my community, all my new friends were Vegan, I started a group called, Imagine A Vegan World, for 5 years+, I went to the First World Vegan Expo, in CA., I read every Vegan book, saw all the great Vegan gurus, only ate at Vegan restaurants, activly marched and demonstrated for animal rights, wore Vegan t shirts, and I was known by my car license plate read: BVEGAN. Was I healthy? I sure as hell knew I was! Never doubted that for one moment. Even when my diet usually ended up being more junk food Vegan than whole foods, I used to say, if they ever found out that the Vegan Diet was bad for you, I would still do it for the animals.

Looking back, I and most Vegans live in our own little Vegan Bubble, hang with only other Vegans, read only the Vegan side of issues, etc. And we separated ourselves from those, Vegetarian heathens, let alone those terrible meat eaters! I never questioned whether I was healthy. How could I not be? I told everybody I felt 1000% better, had such mental clarity and just knew it was the best thing I had ever done in my life!

Q: What made you change your diet to include animal products and was it a difficult transition?

A: All of the difficulties were NOT because of transitioning my foods, as it was sticking my head up out of the Vegan Herd, and the hypocritically hostile ostracization to blatant banishment, without ever being open to understanding why I could/would possibly do such a thing?! THAT was a revelation, and opened my eyes to just how crazy the Vegan agenda is.

Just some things I became 'woke' to:* Most Vegans are on the Left, and in "my" tribe, I found out I was the only outsider, leaning right.* Vegans always take the moral high ground, and will turn on you like a hungry bamboo eating baboon if you cross their belief barrier. About that time, I started feeling less energy than normal, and knew I wasn't eating the best. So, I began to do some personal research by getting some blood work done...before I started a high fat, low carb, medium protein, Keto type diet.

Being full fledged vegan for 6 years, it surprised me that my blood test results weren't too bad; no red flags to speak of. I wanted to see what changes a real grass fed butter, beef, eggs, cheese, organ meats, etc., would do for me. I did it mostly in secret, away from the vegan vultures of virtue. It's been 4 months on Keto and solid, fatty meats, dairy, eggs. If you would have told me, even 6 months ago, that I would not be vegan anymore,and that I was thriving on a meat lifestyle, I wouldn't have believed it!

The more I read, and research, I realize how closed minded, and wrong I was. I truly did not know there are many people who got sick and almost died because of vegan's poor nutrition, and blind ignorance. That it's next to child abuse to put a baby on a vegan diet?! Then the rabbit holes of finding out that the vegan diet does not improve our planet. That's a whole other topic, and one I'm hoping will begin to snap people out of this vegan fog they are in.

Thank You Terry for sharing your thoughts with us and supporting Forage!

-Jess

#omnivore #vegan #veganism #cleaneating #meat #grassfed #regenerativeagriculture

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chochmah-binah-daas · 7 years ago

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The months since elul 5777 has been a hugely transitional time for me for so many reasons. I’ve been meaning to write about this since, well, late elul, early tishrei but I never had the energy to do so. I broke this up into chunks for easier reading but this is still quite an essay…

I know this is long but please like if you read even a part of this and if you have any insights or advice to offer me, my askbox is open and I’d love some support of any kind!!

Children

I always wrote off the idea of having children, even to the point of being one of those people who thought it was funny to be somewhat hostile towards kids. I did have some legitimate reasons for this, mostly sensory issues, being that I’m autistic and am sensitive to many sensory experiences; however, most of it was me just stubbornly holding onto a general distaste for children. Through the course of my retail job, I found myself more and more warming up to the kids who came into the store to the point where I would go out of my way to make faces and wave at babies at the expense of doing my actual job (not to worry, my job was literally completely ineffective). As I realized just after the High Holy Days began, I didn’t just not hate children anymore, I liked them. I actively like and desire to have children now.

If someone had asked me if I really thought I never wanted kids, I would pretty adamantly say I didn’t, though sometimes I’d admit that I could see myself maybe adopting one child in the future. Now it actively pains me that I don’t have children. Plural. Children. My only image of my future self is me, happily married and raising at least 3 or 4 good Jewish children.

I’m only 23 so I know that I’m not expected by secular society to have kids but seeing my more observant Jewish cousins around my age pursuing marriage really gets me down a lot of the time. I want nothing more right now than to marry a nice gay Jewish man and adopt a few kids. This leads me to my next sections…

Career goals

I never settled on one single thing I wanted to do with my life. I was one of those kids who, probably due to being autistic, was always getting deeply invested in something and then flitting off to another after a couple months. For the last year or two I did have a decent idea in my head that I wanted to get a Master’s of Library and Information Science degree and work in a library or archive. I’m good at that kind of work. It allows me to be quiet and a bit neurotic about my workstation because I’d largely be working alone, away from the general public and most of my coworkers.

After my graduation, my mom and grandma suggested that I consider going to law school. I agreed to at least take the LSAT, which I will be doing in February and oy am I nervous!! My mom, who went to law school, says that she thinks I’d be great at it, that my mind is so well-suited to that type of thinking. I don’t disagree with her but I also can’t imagine myself doing anything with a law degree.

In fact, I can’t imagine myself doing anything in the future. People think I’m joking, but I really do just want to marry someone with a steady, well-paying job and be a house-spouse. I have a deep passion for learning but I have no passion for an actual career that comes along with any path of study. In a perfect world where my mental illness didn’t destroy my ability to read, I would love to go get an MLIS and/or a law degree. I’d even consider going to a yeshiva and studying Torah, Talmud, contemporary Jewish issues, all that. But once I’m out of school, I have no clue what I’d do besides sit at home with all that knowledge swirling around in my head.

Education is never a waste in my opinion, but also formal education is expensive and I’d never be able to afford it without having a prospective career in my future to provide the income for paying off the student loans.

Gender

I never understood the concept of gender. All I know is what language I’m comfortable with, how I like dressing, and what I want my body to be. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and I medically transitioned through hormones, chest surgery, and a hysterectomy. My pronouns are they/them or he/him. I am now legally male with a traditionally male name. On most days, I enjoy wearing skirts though I do occasionally choose to wear pants. I could never be cis-passing unless I stuck with wearing pants all the time, which would make me very uncomfortable. If you asked me to get dressed without thinking about it at all, my first choice would be to throw on a skirt, t-shirt, and cardigan. It’s comfortable, psychologically and sensory.

None of this changed during elul 5777; what did change was how my gender and my Judaism were connected. Before, they weren’t. Now, I am working on becoming shomer tznius which involved a major overhaul of my wardrobe, particularly the skirts and dresses. I got rid of almost all of my short and revealing articles unless they could be easily layered and bought a lot of long skirts, three quarter sleeve shirts, cardigans, and other tznius layering essentials.

When it comes to my religious observance, I mix and match though I do mostly connect with the mitzvos for men. In shul and at home, I prefer not to light the shabbos candles if there is a woman who would be able to do it instead. I wear tallis and tefillin to daven and I leyn torah. But I also enjoy occasionally wearing a tichel and being the one who cooks for shabbos, plus the aforementioned movement towards being shomer tznius.

Religious observance

I currently attend, and work for, a Reform shul. I adore my community and the rabbi there. It’s such a loving and supportive community with a small but fantastic group of regulars at Torah study. I’m fortunate in that my community has no problem with the way I present myself. They accept me as a queer Jew who expresses their queerness and their Jewishness in a unique way. But I worry about how other Jewish communities might react towards me, especially since I can see myself being much more observant than I currently am.

Ideally, I would have a kosher kitchen and fully observe shabbos. I would live close enough to walk to shul and I would make sure to raise my children with a strong Jewish identity, and of course a Jewish education. I don’t know if I could have that kind of life while being involved in a Reform community, largely because they don’t tend to celebrate every holiday and also when they do, it can be too lax for my tastes. For example, even in the winter our shabbos services don’t start until 6 or 7 PM, a solid 2 or so hours after shabbos actually begins.

As a queer Jew, who is very obviously gender nonconforming, I don’t know how I would fit into a more traditional community that would probably be more regimented in its separation of genders into a binary. I wear tallis and tefillin when I daven but I would be seen as a woman by some men so I would be immediately singled out as an other. I do wear skirts but I also have a deep voice and facial hair (and my name is Zack) so I’m automatically too male for women-only spaces. Not that I feel entitled to men- or women-only spaces, but I do fear how I could become more observant, when doing so tends to mean an increase in that kind of separation.

Relationships

This is probably the trickiest and most personal portion of this whole shpiel. I’m currently… somewhat in a relationship, I guess? When I transferred to HSU, I thought I was aromantic-asexual and I have since realized that I am neither of those and now identify as someone generally attracted to men. But soon after starting at HSU, I met someone else who identifies as aro-ace and we became really close friends, hanging out all the time in one of our dorm rooms. They were in a non-romantic, queer-platonic relationship with two people and suddenly, they started including me in this relationship. I didn’t mind this so much at the beginning but the more I come to understand my identity and my vague goals and dreams for the future, the more I realize that I just can’t go where I want to go in life and be tied to this relationship.

I know that the longer this goes on, the worse it will be to break it off but I’m terrified to do so, for various reasons I don’t want to get into here. As I said earlier, I want to marry a Jewish guy and have Jewish kids and live a Jewish life. I obviously can’t do that in a household with two pagans and a Catholic, none of whom want kids at all. I know I’m probably becoming one of Those Converts who gets super zealous about Judaism and defensive of their Jewishness but over the last year or so, and especially since elul, I have had this image in my head that I just can’t shake. And that image doesn’t include the people I currently feel tied down to.

#jumblr #jewish observance #Jewish conversion #frumblr #judaism

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