#musings and random thoughts

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

WHAT is going on with Vaggie please i need to pry open her skull

girl stood out from the Exorcist with her single-stripe wings, they get torn off, she gets kicked out-

her hair was short like Lute's back then

probably another thing all Exorcists are supposed to be in lock step about- bloodlust, murder, looking almost identical in uniform (vaggie thought no one would know her out of uniform) (Wrong)

Charlie finds her. Charlie, who has long hair, and 3 years later Vaggie's grown her hair out too

and it's a sign of her new life with Charlie. as Carmilla kicks her butt Vaggie complains she's "not used to fighting with long hair-"

she hasn't had to fight in a long time

she's been CHOOSING not to, new life, new hair style, new her-

EXCECEPT not. Her long hair? Has the Exorcist double stripes that her old wings never did

her new clothes? oh yes she's got a skirt now, she's in red to match Charlie, she's dressed to manage a hotel not slaughter people- but the thigh highs and long gloves of the Exorcist uniform are still there too

it's there even when she gears up to FIGHT them

and when her wings come back- When her NEW wings grow in???- they still have just that ONE stripe. THEY didn't change. The hair thing, it isn't her aging into double stipes in three years- it's either natural and something the short hair hid, or deliberate and new, and which one would be more unsettling?

which one would be more fucked up- finding out you finally fit in when you can't anymore, or still trying to fit in when you absolutely don't want to?

it's like she grew out her hair to get away from her past, but also, it's a reminder of it? wings gone. long, twice-banded hair flowing down her back instead, filling in the space where her wings used to be

why the red X over her lost eye? a mirror of an Exorcist's mask-

(some have the right eye crossed out, some the left, one of their few small variations)

why not just a normal patch? Why not a hairstyle that'd cover it completely?? Why underline the reminder and MAKE it impossible to ignore- is she proud of it? The eye she lost for not doing something she knew was wrong? Why is she keeping so much of the Exorcist look- habit? nostalgia? homesickness? guilt????

Or is she retaking them for herself? Vaggie what are you thinking while you do all this- you HATE angels and heaven and the Exorcists and everything you were- Did you think it all meant something different, before realizing the truth? Something you could follow and be proud of?

are you trying to make all those things mean everything you once thought they did

or is being an exorcist still such a big part of you that you, shit liar that you are, can't cut it out of your life as easily as Lute did with your eye?

.... but your wings. They came back different.

they look even less like a proper Exorcists wings than before

(maybe because heaven didn't give them to you this time. you found them down here, in hell, with Charlie)

you AREN'T an exorcist! you don't kill sinners, you fight for them, you're trying to help save them, you're trying to redeem yourself right along side them, why why why WHY

why do you keep looking so much like the people you hate?-

oh. right. you hate yourself don't you. only... it's not ALL of yourself

i don't think your wings would have come back, if you hated the part of you that loves Charlie (it's the only thing you're clinging to, in fact. the hope that you won't fail her. that you can help her) (you hate yourself each time you fail- but you still try again) (you've never failed when it comes to that) (you've never given up on somehow being who she needs you to be)

do you REALIZE there's more to you now than the parts you hate?

hmm. i wonder

[adventure-goth]

Can’t get the thought of tattoo artist Ghost. . . big and gruff, barely talks during session. But wonderfully talented, his dark brown eyes laser focused on the flesh canvas before him

But thennnnnnn. .. . you walk in. . . a sweet shy little thing. . . wanting a back piece. .. or maybe something over your clavicle. . . .

. . . . something something. . . ending up cock warming simon while he tattoos you. . .

His thick girth stretching you out as you whine, pussy weeping slick onto his trousers. . . as he feels your walls clench around him when he hits a particular spot with the tattoo gun. . . trying to resist the urge to move. . . knowing you need to stay still. . but it just feels so damn good. . .

“Uh uh uhhhh. . . . stay still sweetheart. . .thats it. . . good girl. . sitting so well for me.”

Any ways. . . . have a lovely evening. . . .

[headspace-hotel]

Eustress, or The Feeling of Mastery

When I heard the word "eustress" I didn't care for it, because it felt more meaningful than the word itself could hold. I explored that concept, over the next couple years, kept having experiences that returned me to it. Eustress: moderate or normal psychological stress, interpreted as being beneficial. How silly. There was a something in that word, but the word was an inappropriate enclosure for the something.

I made my own doctor's appointment and went to it. This was the hardest thing I did that year. It was a new kind of hard. I had always thought I would feel the sickening tightness of forcing, the nausea of silencing my body and my feelings to comply with orders from another person. That was the essence of my medical experiences throughout life: coercion, lack of autonomy, shame, being demeaned and belittled. The trauma resisted being treated as an irrational fear to be pushed down and ignored, so I accepted it. I released the werewolf gnawing on my guts and let the wolf-part of me decide how medical professionals would be allowed to speak to me and to touch my body. I wrote down these boundaries, brought them to the appointment, and walked like an apex predator. And it worked. That fall, I got my flu shot for the first time in my adult life. No crash of adrenaline, no trapped, agonizing panic.

A new kind of hard: not the hard of a dog in a cruel experiment being shocked with electricity no matter what it does, more like the hard of a sled dog running as fast as it can, a bloodhound latching onto a scent, a herding dog weaving and dodging to maneuver the sheep into their pen.

That's how I feel when I'm out, somewhere I probably shouldn't be, exploring some woods or a neglected hay field, searching for plants. You can discover anything in the places no one looks: little pockets of biodiversity, rare species, ecosystems thriving under the mercy of being forgotten. I feel...focused. Locked in. Perfectly stimulated by my environment. I'm good at what I'm doing: good at navigating thickets and clambering over rocks, wading through weeds and mud and weaving through brambles, observant, sharp-eyed, and I know what I'm looking at, where almost nobody else does. Swamp milkweed. Smooth carrionflower. Lyre-leaf sage. Alsike clover. Knowing them all by name is like a sixth sense, a power to move through a higher dimension. A world invisible to others becomes known to you.

Sometimes I feel this way when I'm writing, or rereading my own writing. Damn, I'm good. Sometimes I feel this way when cutting kudzu or invasive bamboo in the forest at work, tying them into a bundle and using my strength and stamina to drag them back to the nature center where they can be made useful in crafts and projects. Sometimes I feel this way when walking, covering ground between A to B, cooled by the breeze through my comfy linen pants. I'm a machine, a persistence predator, an animal doing what it evolved to do. Solving a chemistry problem and realizing I understand it. Pulling off a tough platforming section in a video game. That intoxicating feeling of strength and efficacy.

The counterpart of eustress is distress, the usual association of the word "stress." That's why eustress is hard to wrap your head around, because you imagine the feeling of being overwhelmed and powerless and try to come up with a version of that that's good and enriching (you can't). Insight arrived after that doctor's appointment, when I experienced the crucial ingredient of feeling powerful, not powerless. Then I thought of other times when I felt powerful, when I felt challenged but also engaged, stimulated, maybe even exhilarated.

Another word for this feeling might be mastery. It is good for us, I think. Not just to experience mastery, but to be exposed to it. Watching Simone Biles perform gymnastics makes my brain light up with pleasure, recognizing that I am witnessing pure excellence. Music, art, athletics, films, dance. Wow! That's excellent. Wow! Such mastery of the craft! Wow! So much practice and training! It is amazing how many things a human being could potentially become excellent at.

It's the same when watching a creature behave as it evolved to do, showing excellence within its niche. A tree swallow looping and diving, bumble bees pollinating flowers, a deer leaping gracefully. Wow! Millions of years of evolution, a creature thriving and excelling. I felt this when seeing a soft-shell turtle next to the road sprint into the creek and dive beneath the water as I approached. I didn't know a turtle could move that fast. Wow! What a weird-looking creature- but it's excellent at being the thing that it is.

Humans are adaptable, incredibly so. We can choose the thing that we are. We can be a lot of things. And we can be excellent at them. And no matter what it is, whether swimming or rock climbing or singing or dancing or worm charming (it's a real thing, look it up), there can be that glowing hum of pleasure at being good at it. Or watching others be good at it. That feeling can be a form of guidance. Okay, you're good at it...how does it feel to be good at it?

Are you challenging yourself enough? Are you pushing yourself hard enough? Maybe that's not the right question. Maybe instead it's: Does it feel good to be good at it? When you're doing less than your potential and not growing, the activity would probably cease to be stimulating. Eustress has two opposites: distress and boredom.

Of course it's bad for mental health when things are not effortful enough. That's why zoo animals need enrichment, and even pets can benefit from puzzle toys and ways to "earn" their food and treats. If things are effortless, then you don't experience effort leading to results, and that is a lot like being powerless. Whereas if you have the opportunity to expend effort and focus towards a result, getting the result makes you feel empowered.

Maybe this is one of the purposes of play: to psychologically recover from coerced effort, fruitless effort, or lack of opportunity for effort and reward, by rehearsing scenarios where a creature can feel effective and masterful doing something. From that perspective, play is a way of getting your healthy dose of eustress.

I am working on how to apply this knowledge...

[brunchcorpse]

I think its absolutely hilarious that Dean and Castiel go through inhuman amounts of trauma over the course of a decade plus, and somehow they still arent the human x angel ship on the show that has gone through the most detrimental mind bending shit. Michael and Adam were literally trapped in hell together alone for over 1000 years and they walked out the other side healthier than Dean and Cas could ever possibly be. Iconic really

[seaglassmelody]

So I've said it before but I'm gonna say it again

I love that Veilguard doesn't tell you which choice is more morally preferable. I love that all of the companion quests, the city choice, choosing Davrin or Harding on Tearstone, even your choice at the end with Solas - they're all given equal weight within the story.

Veilguard isn't about being a good or bad person- it's about how the world and the people in it are shaped by your choices. It's up to your personal principles and preferences to decide what is "right" and what makes the best story.

That's like a whole other level of roleplaying to me. The world will always remember you as a hero because you're the one who stops the blighted gods and Solas. But what kind of hero? What kind of tales will they tell about you? What will the world look like after you've saved it?

It's not good or bad. But you can tell stories of loss, stories of hope, stories of rebuilding the past or creating a new future. And that's really cool to me.

[adarkrainbow]

You might have noticed my posts have recently been centered around a same specific... wave? Circle? I don't know how to call this exactly, and I am not an expert of it all...

But there is this wave of authors and editors, a sort of loose group focusing on retelling, rewriting and twisting fairytales and folktales for a modern, adult audience, and that had their era from the 70s to the 90s. Angela Carter, Terri Windling and Tanith Lee, and all the others that came along (Jane Yolen, Charles de Lint, Neil Gaiman, Robin McKinley, Steven Brust)...

And what is truly fascinating, at least for me, is that this is where the thing we call today the "Grimmification" seems to come from. (At least within the English-speaking world)

Today the process of "Grmmification" (as TV Tropes named it) has earned a certain reputation for being a cheap and gratuitous way of offering in a superficial way an edgy, pseudo-anti-conformism, with just a desire to oppose Disney and not true appreciation and care for the original fairytales. You know, a reputation that was gathered by big blockbusters like "Snow White and the Huntsman" or "Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters", or by B-horror movies (the Asylum's fairytale horrors), or by massive pin-up comic publications (Grimm Fairy Tales)... Of course there's a lot of "grimmified" pieces that nuance this a lot by showing a lot of poetry, beauty and art in their harshness, trauma and gore (Pan's Labyrinth, Changeling the Lost) or by just being embraced by the Internet (Gretel and Hansel, Neverafter, The Grimm Variations). But still, you know what I am talking about. We are in an era re-embracing the romance, the humor and the epic within fairytales, a time of re-evaluating positively classic Disney movies and other childhood productions, a much more colorful, optimistic, un-edgy time compared to the boom of dark, edgy, "grimmification" of the 2000s and 2010s. Ended is the generation of McFarlane's Twisted Fairy Tales or of DeviantArt's Twisted Disney Princesses (sorry I forgot who the creator of this series was).

And so, in front of the... I'll say "soft backlash" against the Grimmification process, it is quite fascinating for me to see that the root of this unofficial movement, or the first modern manifestation of this "phenomenon" was the previously described wave/circle of authors. This women-driven wave of authors (Carter, Lee, Windling and Datlow clearly led the dance) who were the first to truly bring all of what we associate with "Grimmification" (making things darker, more violent, the tales more frightening or bloody, bringing Gothic horror or harsh realism to fairytales, sliding in more sexuality and eroticism, openly standing in opposition and rejection of Disney's pop culture version of fairytales)... But out of a movement that...

... stood up for the perpetuation of the art of fairytales ("modern fairytales")

... defended feminist principles (putting the female characters at the heart of the story, highlighting the trauma they had to go through, deconstructing harmful fairytale stereotypes and cliches for women)

... embraced the idea of fairytale as a product for adults (they were the leaders of complexifying and deepening fairytales into a true "fairytale fantasy")

... stood up with queerness (part of the eroticism and sexuality of these tales was also to include lesbianism, homosexuality and a much more open and honest look at sexuality)

... and encouraged research and exploration of the history of fairytales (exploration of Perrault's text versus Disney ; presentation of the alternate versions and uncensored versions of the Grimm's stories) and of other cultural folktales than those traditionally known (exploration of Asian, Russian, African tales...).

And all of these things, that are still thinks people are looking for today in fairytale retellings, came hand in hand with the blood and the gore, the vile and the rape, the dark and the disturbing. The "Grimmification".

I am not at all an expert on this time era or those publications, mind you - I am just beginning to dig into all this, and I speak from the point of view of a casual enjoyer and a researcher of "vintage" books and half-forgotten fictions. I am here doing broad generalizations and I might be dead wrong. But it is just the feeling I got - that the "Grimmification" process took root within these things... Somewhere in the dark psycho-sexual and folk-horror Gothic of the 70s, was the beginning of our modern "Grimmification".

[walkingstackofbooks]

I wanna talk about If Wishes Were Horses and Julian's deal with fake Jadzia because I was watching it, and like... half of the "fantasies" that came to life were just as much nightmares as anything. And the whole episode hinged on the existential threat being absolutely created out of their own fears.

So while, yes, I do think Jadzia's initial appearance was due to Julian's genuine fantasies, I kind of feel like all her subsequent actions once he realises what's going on are caused by his dread of how she might behave and embarrass him in front of the others?

And then of course there's the scene where she's very badly injured, which has got to be caused by Julian's fear, right? I mean, I can imagine him having a secret fantasy where she gets hurt and he manages to save her, but from his reaction it's clear he's really scared he's going to lose her.

(Also before that, fake Dax called him out on being worried, which he admitted to, and then asked him "Hold me, please", which I'm definitely taking as Julian's desire to be held in what is potentially their last few minutes manifesting.)

[ghosts-of-the-apocalypse]

FUCK YES!! sorry but I absolutely called it! Lucifer is a silly guy!

Excessive ramble/theory tid bits ahead!~

How can you look at him and think he won't be a silly little guy? People saying he'd be a big intimidating scary king of hell? No way dude just look at him.

And like the way he looks so upset in Ep1 when he lost his ability to create. That's not the face of a guy seeking revenge and filled with anger, that dude is just plain ol' depressed. The way he slowly just walks off screen...

Lilith on the other hand? She is the definition of girlboss.

She's out here inspiring all the demons. Look at that power. She's in control. She's in charge.

While Lucifer's in his depressive state she's out here trying to lead all of hell. She's vengeful, (ik reds are quite a common colour in Hazbin Hotel) but the way it emanates in a glow behind her combined with her pose. It's just shows so much power and malice. You cannot convince me otherwise that she hasn't been pulling the strings since day 1.

I'd even go as far as to say she was the one who had the idea to tell Lucifer to give Eve the apple. Just look at her stance as she stands back to see Lucifer going over to Eve, overlooking the plan. She knows what's up.

(Also just a note but Eve looks so sad here. Girlie is trapped with Adam like she's in her own personal type of Hell. Btw I'd like to throw a theory out there that Eve and Lilith are sisters)

Ngl I do think Lucifer and Lilith split because of this whole power dynamic. Like Lucifer just couldn't keep up with Lilith's ideas or didn't believe in them. Like, Lucifer tells Charlie in Ep5 that Hell and it's people are terrible. This contradicts Lilith's whole thing of wanting to round up all the demons and potentially lead a fight. She THRIVES in Hell. For Lucifer, it's just constant punishment.

I feel like Charlie despite looking up to Lilith, is experiencing quite a bit of miscommunication. They both want to save the demons but in different ways. Charlie's way being through redemption but Lilith's maybe being through a war against Heaven.

Now it's just figuring out where the hell (pun not intended but enjoy) she's been for the past 7 years. (Honestly, I think she's just been off plotting with Eve.)

Another side note, but like the way Alastor just stares at this portrait in the pilot for such a weird prolonged amount of time is not helping my Lilith and Alastor theories calm down. Bro is the radio demon and is broadcasting everything back to Lilith.

He 100% sold his soul to Lilith, tried breaking free, but couldn't.

[vanillatwistgirl]

Random Observations pt-1

🌙 Moon & Emotional Patterns: People with Moon in the 12th house often have vivid dreams, psychic intuition, or a deep connection to the unseen realm. Their emotions can feel like a mystery even to themselves.

A Moon-Mars aspect (especially conjunction or square) can make someone emotionally reactive but also incredibly passionate about their beliefs.

Moon in fire signs (Aries, Leo, Sag) processes emotions through action, while water sign Moons (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) need emotional depth and security.

🪐 Saturn & Life Lessons:

Saturn in the 7th house brings serious relationships but often delays marriage or attracts karmic partnerships.

Saturn transits over personal planets can feel like a reality check—forcing growth through hardship.

Saturn Return (around 28-30 years old) is when life demands maturity; people often switch careers, end toxic relationships, or take on major responsibilities.

🌞 Sun & Core Identity :

Sun in the 8th house people have an aura of mystery, deep transformation, and an ability to reinvent themselves multiple times in life.

A Leo Sun with a Capricorn Moon is an interesting mix—outwardly charismatic but emotionally reserved.

Sun-Neptune aspects can make someone deeply creative but also prone to self-doubt and illusions about their identity

Includes both Vedic and tropical :

Venus in the 12th house: Love can feel like a secret, karmic, or involve hidden themes (long-distance, unspoken love, etc.).

Mercury Retrograde in someone's birth chart can make them overthink but also see details others miss.

Jupiter in the 10th house is often a sign of career success and public recognition (as long as they take action).

Mrigashira Nakshatra (Mars-ruled) is curious, restless, and deeply drawn to discovering hidden knowledge—kind of like a cosmic detective.

[kandadze]

I've just had this half baked thought (while writing JingXiao, funnily enough) that one of the reasons why ZYZ's soul could - and did - fly to ZYC was because WX let go of that first "contract" he signed for her. As in, literally, removed it from her person and placed it on the creation stone, but also mentally and emotionally, she released the last physical trace of his old self. 

Seeing how much of his time with them at DHB was about oaths and contracts, I feel like only once he was released from that one last vow (as his body was released from the malicious energy's hold) he could really start anew. And so, she helped to set him free.

[hectorfrombritain]

One thing I'll always love about growing up and maturing is the opportunity to refine one's taste and opinions about pretty much everything. Clothing, books, music, and even relationships.

With age comes knowledge and experience which you can use to continuously change as a person, recreating yourself and carving a new sculpture out of the old one in a graceful way.

[ghost-bxrd]

Y’know sometimes I’ll get a painful/rude comment on a fic and it makes me sad for all of two minutes until I make myself look at all the positive feedback and remember that there’s equally, if not more, people who enjoyed reading it 💚💚💚💚

[idjits-areus]

"I Won't Say (I'm In Love)" from Hercules but instead of Megara singing it about Hercules, it's Dean singing it about Castiel.

[3gremlins]

probably unpopular opinion? but i hate the whole "dawn may come" forced sing a long sequence in DAI. the fact that it's unskippable, the fact that the game forces the chantry religion on your character even if you've explicitly made your character not an andrastian* (down to a literal priest basically bullying you into it), the song itself feels overwrought to me and doesn't really have the narrative payoff the game seems to think it does. idk, it's just a nails on the chalkboard moment in the game for me. it's too bad, i know a lot of people love it but i just can't get behind it** the fact that solas can pull you away from it endears him so much to me too, like oh thank goodness someone else is NOT into this moment and will help me escape through the proverbial window of this scene. what an absolute relief (i do wish it were skippable, i get them wanting you to sit with it for your first run but on multiple pts it's just such a long kinda dull sequence. im sure they weren't expecting people to replay it as much as i have but still) *i feel like this is also my biggest issue with dai, the fact that they clearly wanted you to be a gung ho andrastian but also wanted to split the difference and go back to letting us choose different bgs and it really doesn't work for dalish elves or qunari (even talvashok i think have their own religions). Also the fact that you miss huge bits of lore by not playing an elf too (same with datv), i wish it had been balanced better or more focused (bw/ea def kept learning the wrong lessons from their previous games it seems like). **i do like the bit before it where you're wandering through the snow, i love that trope of one character collapsing in peril and then their companions/loved ones find them and bring them to safety. i wish there was more there- like the person who finds you depends on who you've established relationships with beforehand or something i also like to think lavellans get more wolves. def wish they'd done more with the whole dread wolf concept and his thing with wolves, i feel like they just explained it away too easily in trespasser/datv like they didn't want to deal with it. there's all sorts of intriguing easter eggs in dai with the wolves- like that one necklace you pick up and a few things cole says, and i just wanted more werewolf solas i suppose. like it would have been neat since he wasn't really evanuris he had a connection to wolves and not dragons or something. Which could have also gone into some neat parallels like how his greatest flaw is pushing people away when he's 100 percent best in a pack and being alone makes him more fragile...oh well)

[mxtxfanatic]

Random Thought #39: Isn’t it kinda fucked that Wen Ning can just…choose when to die? Like, he literally has control over that, now. He can choose when to let go of his rage and move on. How often does he think about that in the post-canon, I wonder.

[luchael]

What if the only time Hawke is flaunting his newfound wealth and influence is by giving Fenris his family’s crest to wear? Not to stake his claim but to hopefully protect him where he couldn’t reach because Fenris is his own person and could go wherever he pleases but Hawke is still worried?

Fenris accepts the gesture in good faith as well which is something he definitely would do.