#not when Riko himself and kevin were the first two

[icangotwiceashigh]

Something that gets me about the whole situation with the Ravens accusing Jean of fucking his way to a number for the perfect court is this: if the Ravens truly believed that why didn’t they try it themselves?

Or did they just throw those accusations around to make themselves feel better about ignoring what was really going on?

[dtilmnh]

We all know that Neil has two smiles, his "Neil-smile" and his "Nathaniel-smile". I went through the books to see how many times Neil actually smiles, because god knows it's not that many.

His "Nathaniel-smile" pops up a few times, usually when he's around Riko, threatening someone, or daydreaming about his father's gruesome death.

"Are you threatening a federal agent?" Nathaniel smiled so hard his burns ached. "I wouldn't dare."

He smiles his normal or "Neil-smile" a total of eight times through the series. Never in the first book, twice in the second, and six times in the third. Out of these eight, four were towards Andrew, one to Kevin, one to Wymack, one to Nicky, and one to Matt.

Nicky subsided with a lightning-quick grin in Neil's direction. Neil managed a small smile back.

The original point of this post was that Neil really doesn't smile or laugh or anything as much as he does in fanfictions and stuff. Andrew and Neil are not a grumpyxsunshine trope, Neil is not the light to Andrew's darkness, they're both massively fucked up and Neil does his crazy serial killer smile more often than his regular one.

He couldn't sleep, but at least he could daydream his father's death over and over again. That was almost enough to make him smile, and eventually it thawed the chill from his veins.

Anyways, that 𝘸𝘢𝘴 the original point of the post, but now I'm stuck thinking about how cute it is that he literally smiles only eight times throughout the entire series, and 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘳 of them are to Andrew. It's so fucking cute, especially when you consider the circumstances of the rest of them.

Andrew, who for once hadn't wasted their time denying that this thing between them might actually mean something to both of them. Neil hadn't even noticed the silence at first, too distracted by his dizzying thoughts. Now he couldn't help but smile and pull Andrew in.

He shares a tired smile with Kevin after the first Raven match. He smiles when Wymack picks up the phone when he calls him after he comes back from Evermore. He returns Nicky's grin with a small smile to reassure himself when Riko comes to watch their match against the Longhorns. And he gives Matt a tight smile during the final match against the Ravens.

"Neil?" All the gruff posturing left Wymack's voice; that sharp edge was all alarm. "Are you all right?" Neil smiled. It felt like it tore his face open. "No. No, I'm not. I know it's kind of sudden, but can you come get me? I'm at the airport."

With Andrew, basically every single time is directly 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 of him. Those smiles are some of the only times he actually feels or shows genuine pleasure or happiness, and I just think that's so cute.

It wasn't funny—none of this was—but that response was so obnoxious and so typically Andrew that Neil couldn't help but smile.

Technically he does smile a ninth time, at all of the Foxes, but since that was immediately after and because of Riko's death, I'm tempted to classify it as a "Nathaniel-smile" lmao.

Neil looked from one tired face to the next, soaking them in, reveling in everything they'd accomplished tonight and imagining how they'd react when they heard the news tomorrow. "What's so funny?" Nicky asked when he spotted Neil in the doorway. Neil hadn't realized he was smiling. "Life?"

(Also the word smile no longer feels like a word to me now. I never realised how often Renee smiled until I had to go through every single time any character smiled in the books)

[allfortheslay25]

Please never stop talking about Siren Neil and Mermaid Andrew, they truly keep me going 🙏🏻 I would love to hear more HC’s on them, especially about Andrew’s relationship with the other Monsters!

Here’s the Monsters and some backstory of how they came together (I was too lazy to finish Kevin, Robin, and Neil)

Andrew was abandoned by Tilda (along with Aaron) when they were born. Tilda came back for Aaron and Andrew survived by himself by pure luck. Tilda had abandoned him in prime predator territory and he could’ve been eaten by anything from sirens to sharks

Unfortunately, Andrew was found by random mermaids who raised him until they could find someone to trade him off to. Andrew was then being abused by the creeps who bought him until they lost him to some bandits. Andrew bounced from bad person to bad person until eventually a pod took over the territory he was last staying at. This was Cass’s pod

Cass adopted Andrew and for a while everything was fine. But Drake became a problem and Andrew decided to endure it since the pod was better than living with bandits and going hungry. Eventually, their pod came across the same one Tilda was apart of and the two pods decided to fuse in order to reunite two brothers.

When a pod fuses, they go about it slowly by trading first the young men (that way they don’t bring dangers of adult men or risk the women and children) Andrew was too hostile about it so the other pod refused to let him come over first and they wouldn’t give up Aaron in case the fusion of the pods failed

Andrew eventually convinced Luther to let him join their pod instead of sending Aaron (using ‘bonding’ with Tilda as an excuse) Andrew realized how abusive Tilda was and made a deal to protect Aaron. That’s when he orchestrated Tilda’s death (luring her into a hostile dolphin nest where they battered her to death)

Andrew then decided to start his own pod and only convinced Luther’s pod by having Nicky go along with them. So Nicky, Andrew, and Aaron looked for a territory far from their home.

It wasn’t far enough and Drake often followed after Andrew when he was alone. Andrew couldn’t risk Drake getting to Nicky or Aaron so he took them into Moriyama territory—or at the very least, a territory they had been eyeing

Riko was too disorganized to take over the area so Andrew took half from him. Only he had the balls to do such a thing and no one, not even Drake, could follow into his new territory in fear of being eaten or attacked by the Moriyamas

They lived in peace until Andrew met Kevin and then Neil. Kevin was supposed to scare them off but Andrew constantly humbled him and his act of mercy made Kevin decide on leaving them alone. Eventually Kevin was dragged back into their mess by Neil and Kevin hid within Andrew’s to hide from Riko after he went too far.

After all five of them had finally settled into a pod, Andrew met Robin where she struggled to get used to a pod dynamic with her family. It wasn’t Andrew’s business at the time until Neil met her too and became attached. Andrew then integrated her into his pod where she was more comfortable due to how small it was (she was overwhelmed in her previous pod)

[joejhang]

i think we should consider how devastating neil's kidnapping was for kevin. like obviously it affected all of the foxes because it was neil, who has a million secrets and is their friend and took all the hits but got back up again anyway. but do u think it clocked kevin the hardest because he knew who neil was. he knew that neil was running from a million things but he refused to run from the foxes. he stood his ground and said things he shouldn't say and is, for all intents and purposes, a miracle. do u think kevin managed to convince himself that neil was the exception? he talked shit about the moriyamas without fear or thought of consequences, he gave himself up to the ravens for andrew and the foxes and came back alive and refused to sign the papers despite all the torture and abuse. he wears riko's tattoo but refuses to be owned by him. he bitches at the press and doesn't back down, doesn't apologise, even when he probably should. kevin told him to run but he didn't, he stood his ground and maybe, somewhere along the way, he managed to convince kevin that he really was indomitable. that even two weeks at evermore, all his father's people on his trail, the pressure of being a star athlete, couldn't break him. and even though kevin knew this was coming, that neil couldn't be neil josten forever, he still allowed himself to consider the possibility, that maybe neil would make it out alive. that maybe neil wouldn't stop fighting and he'd claw his way out of this shitty situation alive, with the foxes finally coming out on top. because even though neil is messy and mouthy and bitchy, despite it all, he gave kevin hope for the first time in maybe his entire life. kevin has spent his ENTIRE life abused and treated like a possession at evermore, he thinks he'll never escape, even when he's at palmetto. but neil, neil is so determined not be owned, so determined that even if he dies, he's going to die free, die happy. kevin thinks it's crazy that neil josten, someone who isn't even real, is the one who's giving the foxes hope. who's giving him hope. who's bringing the team together, who's actually getting through to andrew, who's fierce in the face of even the worst monsters that kevin knows, who would rather die than be false to himself. and kevin can't help but hope that neil will get them out alive. that maybe, despite everything, neil is their key to winning championships, and he can finally escape riko, escape tetsuji, escape the ravens. it's not just neil's skill, it's that neil doesn't back down, and neil is bringing the team together, and it actually looks like they have a chance, for once. and then neil's just...gone. and kevin knew this was coming but he thought maybe neil would be the exception. maybe neil would actually escape. but neil's gone, his father's people finally caught up with him, and neil, who is still alive despite his sharp tongue and bloodied childhood, will finally be broken. and there goes kevin's dreams of winning, there goes kevin's dreams of escaping his past, taken with neil. do you think that's when kevin really lost hope? when neil was taken from them, all of the careful, wistful dreams and hopes that he'd built up the past months were gone, just like that. i think we should talk about this more.

[skydaemon]

Okay I’m awake again and something that really stood out to me with TSC was how different jean and neil are as protagonists. I expected they would be, but the thing I really noticed was how distinct their reactions were.

So, these books are HEAVY. There are many many traumatic events and the characters spend a lot of time in high-stress situations. Even when they’re not being attacked or threatened or XYZ, they’re often in a state of heightened physiological arousal (their sympathetic nervous system is going haywire). As a psychologist, the thing I find really interesting is that we see very different reactions that are all aligned with different adrenal responses, and I wanted to talk about it.

As a baseline, when your sympathetic nervous system is activated, you typically experience what some psychologists call the four Fs. Fight, flight, freeze, and/or fawn (some people use another word here but I don’t like it and think it’s less accurate to the situation). These can occur simultaneously or alone. And of the four characters who are most showing this response are the ones who are consistently in the highest stress situations, but who are also traumatised in such a way that even when they’re not actively in danger their sympathetic nervous system is overreactive and heightened.

So first off, we have Neil. He’s pretty clearly shown to have two responses: flight and fight. For his entire childhood, he’s been fleeing from danger and in the earlier parts of AFTG, we see this response - he tries to run as far as he can possibly get from anything that might be a risk. As a side point, this is pretty clearly a learned response from his mother. As Neil begins to feel more secure and his flight response is impeded (he can’t run away) we see the emergence of his other primary adrenal response - fight. I don’t feel like I need to explain this one, tbh, we’ve all seen how he runs his mouth. Fight is also typically shown when you believe you can defeat whatever’s threatening you, so I love what this says about how his confidence develops across the trilogy.

Then you have Andrew. He’s not a POV protagonist but I feel like his response might be the most obvious. His primary responses are fight and freeze (Andrew Minyard runs from/fawns for no man). Fight is pretty obvious - he’s a very violent person - but I feel like the most clear example of this is stopping Riko from attacking Neil. Andrew is obviously wired and his instinctive response is to protect. I love that for him. His other primary response, unfortunately, is freeze. Based on the most obvious time we see it (during Drake's attack), this is probably a response he developed as a child, before he felt strong/safe enough to fight back. God, these books make me sad sometimes.

Next is Kevin. He has a slightly more varied response - i can see the argument for him freezing, although i wouldnt say it's a primary response - but his main two responses are fight and fawn. Fight isn't necessarily literal, btw - the most obvious example is covering his tattoo. His fawn response is slightly more expanded on in TSC (mild spoilers if you haven't read that yet) when we see him responding to Riko's attack by begging first Riko and then Jean to intercede and stop the violence. he's trying to appeal to their affection for him, which is absolutely heartbreaking. Kevin i love you.

And finally, we have Jean, whose primary responses are only really made clear in TSC, although they are backed up by his appearances in the trilogy - freeze and fawn. We see freezing in Jean's response to sympathetic nervous system arousal, often from hearing about or recalling upsetting events/information. He closes in on himself and becomes unresponsive. Fawn is slightly more complicated, as we see it somewhat throughout AFTG. when he's loyal to riko and doing things he thinks riko will like in hopes of reducing any potential pain/threat he will experience, i'd call that fawning. an example at usc is him getting on his knees and handing coach rhemann his racket - he's not just submitting to punishment, he's trying to be helpful and well-behaved in hopes of lessening it. it's honestly a really strong response from him and it absolutely breaks my heart. jean in tsc is really struggling and i hope the last book brings him some peace. i also find it really painful that he's the only one of these boys without a fight response - he's never felt capable of winning against his abusers. i really hope the trojans and bee are able to help change that.

[ninyard]

So what do we think about that draft where jean kill himself on the phone with kevin ? Or an au where kevin off himself because he couldn’t handle riko’s and jean’s death?

(coming back from my mini mental health break to drop... this. uuhhh cw for jean kills himself on the phone with Kevin sorry)

-

It was late when Kevin's phone rang, loud enough to startle him from a light sleep, a half enjoyed Exy match still playing on his laptop.

Jean

Kevin paused the video.

Why was Jean calling him at this time of night? He should've been sleeping - No, at practice. Maybe he had just finished. Which schedule was he even on, now?

He pressed the green button to answer, but the feeling of something off came much quicker than any voice that would have followed. Dead air, for a moment too long, an electronic hiss, and Jean didn't speak.

"Hello?" Kevin answered, hearing a movement as he held the phone to his ear. "Jean, did you mean to call me?"

Jean laughed, a weak laugh, short and muffled. "I didn't think you'd actually pick up. That makes this all worse, doesn't it?"

His words were not English, instead French, spoken too loudly to be a secret. Kevin sat up and looked at the time again to make sure it was really as late as he thought it was. Maybe it's nothing, he comforted himself with a lie, a way of ignoring the churning feeling in his stomach that something wasn't quite right.

Jean's breathing was heavy, accompanied with a hum every few seconds, less of a happy sound, more of a struggle to keep quiet in whatever pain he was feeling.

"Why are you calling me?" Kevin whispered, like he might be heard if he didn't speak quietly. "Where is he?"

Jean laughed again, taking an inhale into the deepest parts of his lungs, before he said, "It doesn't matter."

"It does," Jean's uncharacteristic lack of care as to the king's whereabouts worried Kevin - If Riko wasn't with him... Kevin looked at the time again and again, trying to remember Riko's schedule. Why couldn't he remember?

Where was he, and why was Jean alone?

His question came out cautious. "What's going on?"

"Nothing that you can change," Jean's sigh was tired, a dismissal mixed with pessimism and hopelessness. "It's already done."

"What is?"

His heart started to pound in his chest, pushed by the tone of Jean voice, speaking french out loud without a care, no fear in his voice, but something different taking its place; Kevin was afraid, scared of the truth. Jean would never be so careless - so reckless and nonchalant. Something was wrong, so very wrong, and putting two and two together only left Kevin with too many questions and a rope around his chest.

"I hoped you wouldn't answer." Jean's voice cracked as he spoke, and Kevin shut his eyes at the sound. "I'm not even sure why I called in the first place, but ah. Here we are."

"Stop that. Where the fuck are you?"

"Only where i was always going to end up." He laughed, but instead of an awful, awkward sound, behind the laugh was thinly veiled pain. Something hurt. Jean was in pain, and Riko wasn't around, and Kevin started to pace, like he would find the answer somewhere else around the room.

Jean swallowed hard before continuing, "I would ask you how to say goodbye but you're not known to afford such courtesies, are you?"

Kevin stopped. "Goodbye?"

"Ah, so you do know how to say it," The sigh that followed had something behind it, something wistful, something painful, something... final. "Goodbye," he spoke in english, before a shaky inhale brought him back into French. "Are you happy?"

"With what?"

"Everything." His breath blew loudly through the mic of his phone. "With who you are, away from this place. In general, Kevin, are you happy now?"

Kevin hesitated. "Sometimes."

Jean hummed. "Better than never."

"What did you do?"

Jean doesn't respond immediately, and Kevin knew then what he hadn't wanted to know at all. He didn't want to know, he didn't want to assume, but then the sound of a sniffle and a low cry followed, and Kevin felt his heart start to break.

"What did you do, Jean?" He asked again, no louder than a whisper this time, quiet enough that he could hear Jean's whimper as he started to gently cry.

"Will you stay with me?" Jean replied, a swallow in his throat, the phone being placed down somewhere. "I don't want to die alone."

"Let me call someone," Kevin begged. "Why? Why would you- Why? You promised. You promised."

"Be quiet." He pleaded, and Kevin covered his mouth with his free hand. Was this happening? Jean's words were not as angry as his tone would have suggested, instead a soft quiver in his voice, as he tried to hold back the tears that Kevin pictured rolling down his face. "Just stay with me or fuck off and don't let my last thought of you be that you're an insufferable bitch."

Kevin almost laughed.

He almost laughed, knowing what was happening, knowing Jean was fading away on the other line, as he cried, dealing with whatever he'd done to himself, however it was happening.

"Tell me something I don't know," His accented voice was getting weaker with every agonising second that passed. "Talk to me."

Jean knew everything about him, almost everything, so much so that he couldn't think of something new, something that he didn't know. This was his only light in a dungeon of darkness, and that light was fading quicker than he'd left him alone all those months ago. It was not comfort Jean was looking for, but perhaps company, or a presence, just to believe that someone cared, to feel like someone was there at the end of it all. He didn't really want to know Kevin's trivia and fun facts; He said it himself - he didn't want to die alone.

"Don't do this to me," It was all that he could say, a desperate, despaired attempt, no other words meaningful enough to get him to change his mind. "Let me help you."

"You can't," Jean responded. "Not this time."

And Kevin knew that it was the truth.

He thought for a moment. What was he even supposed to do? He thought about calling for help anyway - on the one hand desperate to keep him alive, while on the other hand knowing what would be waiting for him on the other side of survival. There were no scenarios in which Jean would prosper. If Kevin called for help, it would have caused a scene, and he swore he could already hear the cracking of bones under the Master's cane, and the muffled screams that would follow.

Kevin pictured a fate almost worse than death in every attempt to end that night differently; Jean's choice had been made - this was it, and this was his goodbye.

The understanding did not make the reality any easier to digest, though. Instead it sat heavy in his stomach, weighing him down, into the fabric of the sheets he sank back down into.

"I'm sorry," He said. "I've never said that to you before. I wish i never left you."

"I don't," Jean had started to slur his words. "You deserve to be happy. Even just sometimes."

"You do too."

Jean clicked his tongue, but he didn't comment.

Perhaps he knew it was what he deserved, but it had always been more of a mythical concept than anything achievable. He knew what that darkness felt like, the familiar sound of those swirling spirals, the thoughts of can I live like this forever? that fueled the fire to bring him to this point.

The silence on the phone line lasted for an uncomfortable moment too long.

“Jean?”

Jean mumbled his response after another long pause. “Mmm?”

“Tell me something,” Kevin turned his question back on him. “Something that nobody knows about you.”

Jean’s laugh was so weak it could barely be considered a laugh anymore; more an exhale of air with something behind it. “I wanted to be a writer. Before all of this.”

“What would you write?”

Jean thought for a moment. “Poems. Things nobody would ever read. Sometimes…”

Kevin’s heart started thumping again as Jean trailed off into a mumbling silence. “Sometimes..?” He prompted him.

“Hmm?”

“What would you write other than poems?”

“Something for the theatre,” His words were slow and tired. “Something to be… performed.”

“What kind of stories?”

“Ah.” Jean sucked in a long, laboured breath. “Dramas. Something to leave… Mmm-” There’s a dull thud on the other end of the line. He couldn't hold back his quiet groan. “Something…”

“Jean.” Kevin wanted to tell him to be quiet, to wake up, to perk up. He wanted to tell Jean that his joke wasn’t funny and he was waiting for the punchline to come.

“Kevin.” He said, long and drawn out, twice the length it needs to be.

“Did you ever show anyone? Your stories?”

“Only Elodie.” His sisters name rolled off his tongue with a wet, gentle cry. “My actress.”

Kevin thought about her then, not knowing where her brother is, not knowing that he was dying on the other end of the phone.

“Did she like them?” When Jean didn't respond, Kevin raised his voice. “Jean.”

“Mmhmm,” He answered, not much of an answer at all. More of an acknowledgment of his quickly dimming consciousness, a murmur of life to prove he was still there. “Can’t talk much longer.”

“I know.” The painful acceptance left his mouth with a bitterness Kevin couldn't quite describe. “Tell me about her. Elodie.”

“I wish…” Jean spoke through almost shut lips, and Kevin winced at the sound of sleepiness as it started to consume him. “All alone.” He finished a thought he never spoke out loud. “I think… I'm tired.”

“I know.” Kevin said again. “Are you going to sleep?”

There was a struggle in his inhale as he answered, "I think so.”

Fuck. “Are you sure?”

“Mmhmm.”

There's a moment of silence.

“Jean.” Kevin calls. He could still hear his hollow breathing on the other line, but he called his name again when all that followed was silence, “Jean?”

“Mmm?” His breath slowed down to nothing, and Kevin was certain he could hear the slow and irregular ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum of his friends struggling heart.

“I love you.” Kevin said, but he felt sick as the words left his mouth. It felt worthless to him then, an empty promise. Words that should've been said far too long ago. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.”

“Mmhmhm,” Jean hummed in three syllables. "Safe."

And Kevin waited as the silence drew on. He heard it, the final breath that left his lips, the rattle of his breath through lungs too weak to take it.

One second, he counted, and another.

Another, and another, and another, and a million moments passed with nothing but silence and the knowledge of Jean's soul hopefully finding solace in another, brighter place.

He put his phone down, too scared to hang up, and waited for a sign that this wasn't final - waiting for a sign that said this would simply result in a punishment taken too far, that in a months time when Jean's wounds healed he would call Kevin again and apologise for breaking his promise.

Kevin tried not to care about the promise, to not watch the duration of the call going up and up and up with not so much as a peep from the other end of the phone. He tried not to wonder what would happen next - would his parents be informed, would they care? Would they send his body back to France, or would he die, anonymous and insignificant, buried in some American plot of land somewhere, that nobody cared enough about to put a bunch of flowers on top of?

Would the Master call Kevin, would anyone let him know, when they didn't know Kevin had taken another breath after Jean had taken his last?

"Oh Jesus fucking Christ!" The voice on the other end of the phone scared Kevin out of the depth of his thoughts. Was it Zane? He wondered, his finger hovering over the button to end the call, or was it just another voice of a nameless Raven who would forget about this all once the sun rose? "Get the King, tell him it's-"

Kevin hung up before he could hear any more.

The panic attack that followed was not a friendly one - It started slow, but before long, his chest was stuck in a vice, and his heart was prepared to take off. Kevin couldn't hold it in anymore - he cried, choking on the breaths that left his hands numb.

Kevin didn't hear Andrew coming in, but he stood by the door frame, watching, hardly visible through the blurry haze of tears in his eyes. Andrew glanced at the still-lit-up phone screen on the bed beside Kevin, and shut the door gently behind him.

No words were enough.

There's nothing that could be done to make everything okay again, nothing he could hear that that would stop the guilt, and the sadness, and the hurt, that all-consuming hurt.

All Kevin had to offer then, was pain, and bottomless grief, as he held his racing heart while it broke into a million, tiny pieces.

[wonderland2805]

I know we've read a lot of comments from Neil and Jean's pov about how Kevin is a coward, how Kevin "saw nothing but the court" and so many other things like that, and I know it's easy just go with it and assume he is nothing but an insensitive asshole and that's it, but can we plaese stop for a moment and talk about how Kevin's obsession about exy is the only thing that keeps him "sane"?

Kevin lost his mother when he was really young, he was raised at the Nest, and he had no choice, nowhere else to go, and nothing to hold on but this sport his mother created. He was left with a violent man and a new "brother" that was nothing but a sadist brat, one that he wasn't even allowed to avoid or stop. Kevin was a pet, a new toy for Riko to break, but yet an investment. Riko couldn't just break him entirely, no. He had only one thing he could do, and that was playing exy, because no matter how much Riko could hurt him, they were destined to be the best at Court, that was the only thing he could have that was safe to hold on besides his mother's memories and now a number 2 in his face that was a promise. That's all he ever allows himself to believe in.

Then Jean arrives. Kevin has been at the Nest for years and is used to Riko's violence, he knows how this work, he has exy and now he has a partner in his misery. He can't do anything to stop Riko, but he is there for Jean in the only way he can. But then, here we have a breaking point, Jean and Kevin's relationship...

I believe that Kevin knew about Jean's feelings, and he used them to make Jean promise not to try kill himself again and then again to make Jean distract Riko when he broke Kevin's hand and Kevin left Evermore. Still I don't believe he did it because he doesn't care about Jean but out of pure despair. In the first case, because after years of having nothing but Riko's twisted company he has someone, a friend even if it would never be anything else, because let's be for real, what he did to Jean for being in love with Kevin when he found out would be nothing compared to what he would've done if he would've think that not one but two of his properties had turned against him, it would be unforgivable that Jean could ever claim one of HIS things, and he couldn't hurt Kevin that bad since he was in the public eye, but he can hurt Jean all he want, he can even kill him, and even when it was selfish of Kevin making him stay, he couldn't lose Jean (we can see this kind of feelings in Jean too when Neil spent Christmas break at evermore, but that's another conversation) so they stick together but Kevin let himself get lost at Court again because this is the only thing he can control, he can't protect Jean, he can't do anything but play.

Then starts the real down fall, because Kevin maybe already knew he was better than Riko, maybe at some point he realized, knew it was dangerous and started to hold himself back at Court, after all, as long as Riko never notices something, there was no real danger, and he would has exy even if he was the second best. But then people started to talk, and he meet Andrew, who wasn't interested in some pathetic asshole who was preparing himself to be the second best. I bet he never explained to Riko what made him change his mind about Andrew, but since this point all just get worse, because then we have the ERC meeting, and all finally goes to hell. Riko breaks Kevin's hand and he has suddenly lost everything, he can't play anymore, there is only pain, in his past, in his present and in his future so he take the only way out he has: Wymack.

We all know that Kevin decided to stay even when he found out about Wymack being his dad when he was in high-school, and we can all agree that it was in part because Wymack was the Foxes coach, and they were kind of a mess and Kevin is very aware of his talent and is kinda bitchy, but I believe it was also because maybe he didn't want to leave Jean alone, he can leave, sure, but what about Jean?

His broken hand was the only thing that could ever make him leave, because being able to play exy was the only thing that connects him with his mother, it was also the only thing he has and can control. He can't save Jean, he can't play anymore, so he leaves. It was awful, it was painful, it would always hunts him, but it was the only thing he could do.

He leaves, but he never find peace. We see him sticking to Andrew because he doesn't know how to be alone, he is too scared to be alone. We see him fighting the Foxes about being bad at court, being rude to them and being an obsessive ass when he is assisting Wymack as a coach, but also how he told them the truth because they deserved to know what they were getting into when they accepted him. We see him learning to play all over again with his less dominant hand, we see him trying harder than anyone. We see him offering Andrew a reason to live when he get out of his medication because he believes in Andrew's potential. We see Kevin looking out for Neil because he believes in him and his potential, and even when he find out the truth about Neil, he keeps teaching him, he doesn't abandon him. We see him sending Jean to the Trojans because they are kind, and he knows that if someone deserves kindness, that one is Jean, he wants peace for him, he also wants him to be in a great team, because Jean is ridiculously good.

Kevin Day knows what it is having nothing and no one, what it is to be incapable of protecting yourself or the ones you love, he knows what it is to be ashamed of the things you did, he knows what it is not being capable of forget, he knows what it is wanting to drown all your thoughts, he knows what it is trying to be brave and fail, he knows what it is keep trying

He is not okay, he is an obsessive asshole, he thinks he can't get better, he is not an easy person, he doesn't even thinks he deserves get better, he is trying to help others as he can, he is drowning his problems in vodka, he still hears Riko's voice...

I hope one day he will be okay

[bloodyminyard]

the kinds of mental games and gaslighting and manipulation riko put kevin through had to have been nothing short of pure hell

riko was his brother, riko was king, riko and kevin were partners, but kevin was number two

do you think, at the beginning, when riko had started to change, started to enjoy seeing kevin in pain, do you think one of the first methods he learned was the push and pull?

the letting kevin get close, to make him feel like they were truly equals and and that they loved each other and it was them against the world, the faces of exy together

and kevin would be so excited, so happy to be playing his mothers sport with his brother by his side and maybe they’d laugh and riko would throw his arm around kevin’s shoulder and then…

and then riko would freeze him out. he’d let kevin come to him for comfort or just to be together and then riko would look at him with disgust. and riko would ignore him for days. kevin would tell himself that rikos just having a rough time and he’d come around eventually. and then kevin would gather the courage to ask him if everything was okay. and riko would just smile a cruel smile. kevin remember your place. kevin did you really think that meant anything? you’re still number 2, you’re still beneath me.

and the first time kevin cried because he didn’t understand why riko was saying these things they were supposed love each other they were family and riko would scold him for trying to manipulate the situation and act like a victim. he isn’t a victim this is just how it’s meant to be and kevin has always known that (he hadnt)

and kevin would retreat. the first time it happened kevin told himself that riko didn’t mean it. but the cycle continued. riko would eventually start acting “normal” again. they’d be brothers again. and riko would get bored and freeze him out. again.

over and over until kevin gets the hint: he’ll never be as good as riko, they’ll never be equal, kevin never had a brother and was truly alone.

now imagine a kevin that’s in love with andrew and neil. neil who runs and andrew who shuts down. imagine the first time andrew pulls away without explaining himself (because he’s so used to not having to explain himself with neil) and kevin tries to use all the rationality he had to tell himself it’s not the same that andrew isn’t playing mind games with him (imagine andrew telling him “this is nothing” the same way he told neil and kevin believing it). but kevin doesn’t know how to ask and andrew assumes kevin would understand his need for space (except all kevin can think about is riko turning his back to him for weeks on end without telling him why). imagine neil denying kevin’s feelings for him not because he doesn’t believe him but because he can’t handle it and kevin thinks that neil thinks that he’s trying to manipulate them but he’s not he promises he

[mountainclimbingnerdynurse]

Since tgr is coming out next week, here's some long random thoughts I have:

-Jean only has a driver's licence so he could travel on away games. Tetsuji took/ locked away Jean's passport when he arrived in the US, but he needed government ID to fly for away games. It is given to Ichirou with the new deal. The perfect court were never taught any other life skills, so I don't see why they would've been taught to drive if they weren't taught to cook.

-When he starts traveling to away games with the Trojans, they find it odd that he doesn't have a passport. This finally leads them to a Google search that leads to a human trafficking page. Then they realize Jean ticks off most of the boxes (name change, no passport, forbidden interaction with the public, forbidden language, deferring to another (Tetsuji and Riko when he was a Raven), physical wounds/ scarring, etc). (I also imagine Jean to have a Moriyama brand on his heel where no one can see who didn't know to look there. . .)

-Jean is 100% an exy prodigy. Tetsuji wouldn't've just bought some random kid from a foreign country. Jean must've been incredible to catch his eye and make the money and the fuss of international adoptions worth it. And that was him as an untrained child. With the training from the Ravens, he's one of the best players in the game. When he plays healthy, unhurt, and supported with the Trojans, I think he's the best in the game. I'd love to see him easily scoring from the backline. It becomes a trademarked move that no one else can pull off. The ERC has to have special meetings at the end of the season to assess if they should alter the official rulebook to forbid backliners from scoring. (They don't.)

-I can't remember who first posted the idea, but I do think that Jean's father sex trafficked him as a child. (One doesn't jump straight to selling their kids to the mafia without building up to it first). Riko finds out and is upset that Jean is 'used goods'. This is what Jean is begging forgiveness for when Riko sends him into the other Raven's beds. (Also for looking at Kevin in the changeroom, obvs)

-Jeremy is just a normal dude with normal dude problems. He isn't allowed out during the week. Maybe his big scandal is just that he's not that academically inclined. If he was into drugs or hard-core partying, he wouldn't be allowed out on the weekends. Maybe he was on academic probation, or maybe his grades just weren't up to his parent's standards. At most there was a sex scandal in his first year when he was in first year and exploring his sexuality, resulting in the 'floozies' jokes. His mum and stepfamily are definitely homophobic, though.

-Elodie's death occurred at vaguely the same time as Jean's first suicide attempt. When he learns this, Jean blames himself for her death. He believes that because he 'forgot his place' and tried to escape his fate as a Moreau, Elodie was punished for it.

-Jean will attempt suicide in tgr. Nora said she'd drag Jean back to life, no matter how much he didn't want it. She also said tgr is sadder than tsc. It will happen for one of two reasons. 1) he's too low now. Being with the Trojans shows him that he is a person and he can decide his own fate. Kevin and Riko don't get to tell him when to live or die. Maybe he realizes that he didn't deserve everything he's been through, and feels trapped by the deal with Ichirou. 2) he makes an infraction against his addendum to his contract with the Trojans. Maybe he is rude to a reporter. Maybe he gets a yellow card (I don't really want any red cards. . .). Either way, he feels like his contract is void and that he'll be kicked off the team, and therefore his life is forfeit, so he decides to beat Ichirou to the punch.

-If that does happen, and if Jeremy does have a sibling who committed suicide, he's the one to find Jean. But Jeremy freezes and panics, and it's up to someone else to call EMS/ provide first aid. And then neither Jean nor Jeremy are in positions to help eachother through the aftermath. Cat and Laila carry them both.

-If Jean acquires a new hobby (other than pottery, cooking, and motorbikes), it should be gardening. That boy clearly loves the outdoors, and appreciates life. He should get to grow some pretty flowers, and enjoy the soil beneath his nails and the sin on his skin.

-The Ravens blame Jean 1000% for their downfall. This results in death threats/ mean letters from Ravens fans. At the regular season Ravens v Trojans, they injure Jean to the point of hospitalization (he plays throught the match and it isn't until a few days later that the team realizes something is wrong. This is when the Trojans realize Jean can't be trusted regarding his health status, and that he was playing every game as a Raven injured). At the championship game, it results in straight up attempted murder. (The Ravens still get knocked out in the early rounds) (I'm not the same as I was by perchancetosleep is probably my favourite fic ever, and goes along with this idea)

-I don't really love the idea of us knowing the person Ichirou is engaged to. However, someone posted that they thought maybe it was Elodie. I don't love that, nor do I think a Moriyama would marry property. However, he might marry someone with more influence, say, a Senator's daughter. If Ichirou marries someone we've already been introduced to, I could see it being Annalise. Because of their slightly estranged relationship, Jeremy had never met his future brother-in-law, and was seeing him for the first time on TV. I don't really think this could nor should happen, but it would make for some very interesting family get-togethers when all the ?Knoxes bring their plus ones. . . (Obviously Jean goes with Jeremy)

-my random headcanon: Jean only really heard other team's fight songs in his time as a Raven. He doesn't understand the floozies' love of TV, but he gets really into music. When he's happy, he sings softly to himself.

[19o19o19o19]

Kevin looks like Wymack.

You put them side by side and actually try to pay attention to them, and after a while it's one of those things you can't unsee once you've seen it.

Sure, he has his mother's black hair and dark, intense green eyes. But everything else? Wymack. His tanned skin, his buff, muscular build; his face structure, with big eyebrows and strong nose and deep set eyes and full lips; his hands and ears and his wavy hair, too, even if Wymack doesn't keep it as long anymore.

If Kevin let his beard grow, all you'd see would be Wymack, if a little to the left; younger, with different colors and a bit more hair. No wrinkles or white hairs, just yet.

If you saw pictures of a younger Wymack, all you'd see would be Kevin. Kevin, with brown hair and brown eyes, the same wavy hair, if a little longer, maybe. This is specially true the younger you go. You put pictures of them as children and the grainy and faded quality of David's makes them look like the exact same kid. All the way down to similar mole placements.

Well. Except two of them.

Two small moles. Sitting one right next to the other, at the corner of Kevin's left eye. Those were Kayleigh's. They were one of Wymack's favourite places to kiss her.

It's been so long nearly nobody remembers he had them in the first place. But Kevin remembers. Kevin could never forget.

Riko used to say they were the perfect placement, back when they were still kids and would use markers to doodle the numbers on their faces. He would use them as guidelines, putting each line of the roman numeral over each mole. Riko liked them because then they would always know where to put the mark and he could use them as a reference for his own.

He also liked to joke, telling Kevin all about how they were a sign. A sign that everything was always meant to be like this, a sign that Kevin was always meant to be his second.

Kevin didn't exactly know how to feel about that. He didn't mind the idea of tattoos that much, but he felt odd whenever he looked at a mirror and couldn't see his mother's moles. Alas, it made Riko happy, and if Riko was happy, then Kevin had to be, too. If he tried hard enough, he could even convince himself that his mother would be proud. After all, it meant he was one of the best in the game, and wasn't that a good thing? All people had to do was look at his face and they would know immediately.

And anyways, it was just marker. It would fade eventually and his moles would still be there.

Except.

Then it wasn't just marker anymore, was it? It was ink. Permanent, at the corner of his left eye. Each line of the roman numeral forever covering each mole. The perfect placement, the perfect guidelines. A sign.

And it wasn't like they were the only connection he had with her, the only thing left behind.

He still had his mother's eyes. He still had his mother's hair. He still had Exy and her drive and her passion and her legacy and all the expectations that came with it.

And yet he was also aware that none of those things could ever truly replace her. That doesn't mean he didn't try, though.

Therefore, when he lost the moles, as small as they were, he couldn't help but feel as though he was loosing a key part of himself. That the space inside of him, the one with her exact shape, the one left empty by her death, the one he's spent his entire life desperately trying to fill with all the ill-fitting things she left behind, sat a little bit emptier now.

So, yeah. It's been a long time, but Kevin remembers.

Now, having a Queen instead might not be as good as having his moles back, but this, at the very least, he doesn't need convincing to know his mother would be proud of.

This, at the very least, doesn't feel as empty.

[evenfallreads]

evenfall's aftg masterlist

evenfall's aftg fics

(the masterlist's pretty much just have mood board's in them along with me talking about the au and throwing ideas around)

to be buried six feet under || presumed dead nathaniel au - au masterlist - let bygones be bygones ⇏ [🖋 ♥ ● ] [Nathaniel is both the best and the worst thing that has ever been given to Mary and Nathan, is the one to get injured as he tries to protect his brother and is left to watch strapped to the medical bed as Jean and Kevin leave the Nest. The first time that he allows himself to act selfish is when he joins the foxes.]

to be a fox || neil klose au - au masterlist - teach me how to be a fox ⇏ [♥ ●] - (currently working on it) ⚠ [🖋 ♥ ●🗡] [Nathaniel is brought to death's door at his father's hands when he is 14 years old, after Nathan is cast away by Kengo. Stuart is able to save his nephew on time, but not having the heart to look at the boy who has lost his memories he ends up sending him to Germany instead. There, after an unfortunate accident, Neil finds himself getting adopted by the Klose family.]

those of fortune || fortune/chaos au - au masterlist - misfortune of the fortunate (rewrite) ⚠ [🖋 ♥ ●] - misfortune of the fortunate ones (old version - being rewritten) [In a world where humans are put into different classes based on their core energies, Nathaniel is a child of dusk, a part of the rarest class. Joining the foxes, a group mostly consisting of children of night and dawn is like a death wish for someone like him. Yet he still takes his chances, knowing that he'd rather die than let go of Exy, the only thing that makes him alive after all that he had been through.]

if we have eachother || mamma betsy & abby au / andreil different first meeting au - au masterlist - never letting you go ⚠ [♥ ● 🗡] - night's filled with hot choco and peach tea ⚠ [♥ ●] - little oasis [● 🗡] - never letting you go old version [Mary kills Nathan before leaving with little Abram, soon enough leaving the boy in the care of a friend of hers who ends up brining Nathaniel to an orphanage after Mary ghosts them. Neil is put into foster system soon enough, and in one of the houses he finds himself befriending Andrew. Soon enough, they both decide to protect one another from the rest of the world.]

all for the menu || the menu & raven nathaniel au - au masterlist - the fox trap (currently being rewritten, will be shared separately in the summer) ⇏ [● 🗡☁︎] - (rewrite currently being written) ⚠ [● 🗡☁︎] [Nathaniel was never supposed to go to a remote island with Master and a couple of other Raven's as Riko's date, but after Riko's date dumps him and he can't go alone if he want's to impress his father, Nathaniel has no choice but to dress up as his 'girlfriend'.]

blood stained bare teeth || spies & hackers au - au masterlist - to hunt a rabbit ⚠ [🗡] - (planned) [♥ ] [The foxes are hired by Stuart Hartford to find the whereabouts of his nephew and to protect him, which is easier said then done.]

was there any truth to it, to the pipe dream that you once were? || andreil soulmates au - au masterlist - more than just a pipedream [♥ ● ☁︎] - (currently working on it) ⚠ [♥ ● 🗡☁︎] [Everyone had different marks left on their soul by their other half, something that bound the two souls to one another. And Nathaniel, he had his dreams.]

we can meet again somewhere, somewhere far away from here || espers & guides au - au masterlist - promises better left unkept ⚠ [♥ ● 🗡☁︎ ] - (planned) ⚠ [♥ ● 🗡☁︎] [In a world where dungeons, esper's and guide's exist, Neil is an esper who is hiding from the government with no memories of his past, while Andrew is an official guide of the foxes, who is searching for a boy named Abram, whom he can only remember the name of.]

we ain’t angry at you love, you’re the greatest thing we’ve lost || foxes time travel au - au masterlist - till forever falls apart ⚠ [♥ ● 🗡☁︎] [Neil dies in Baltmore, crawling in a desperate attempt to get to his foxes till his last breath. His foxes, who grieve him for years, who one day wake up in the past and decide to protect the redhead this time around.]

i'm on the run with you, my sweet love || runaway andreil au - au masterlist - when one door closes (another opens) [🖋 ♥ ● ☁︎] - (working on it) ⚠ [🖋 ● 🗡 ☁︎] [AJ takes Neil’s hand and leaves behind the Spears when he is only 10 years old. Now after having been placed under witness protection for four years, they join the Foxes of Palmetto State University.]

mary & nathan role reversal au - au masterlist [≡ ♥ ● 🗡 ☁︎]

the martian au - au masterlist [≡ ♥ ● 🗡 ☁︎] [when he is just a kid, nat meets matt on the rooftop of the apartment him and his mother has been living in for a while. they are quick to become friends, and when matt shares his dreams with the younger boy, they soon become neil's too. their dreams are what ends up saving them in the end, giving them a much better future than the one that had been promised to them due to the life they had been born into.]

highschool/apocalypse/time travel au - au masterlist [≡ ♥ ● 🗡 ☁︎] [neil josten is the last man standing at the end of the world, surrounded by millions of zombies with no way out. when he closes his eyes he doesn't expect to open them once again, but when he does he finds himself 5 years in the past.]

normal & trans neil josten au - au masterlist [≡ 🖋 ♥ ● ☁︎] [neil josten is a nobody that finds himself in millport after running away from home. He decides to join his schools exy team after the coach finds him sleeping in the lockers, being in the wrong place at the right time. that all changes when david wymack comes to recruit him for the foxes along with kevin day and andrew minyard.]

transmigrator au - au masterlist [≡ 🖋 ♥ ● 🗡 ☁︎] [neil finds himself in the body of a side character that is going to die soon enough just for the sake of plot development.]

nobody's son, nobody's daughter || coach neil josten au - au masterlist [≡ ♥ ● ☁︎] [neil josten hasn't been a coach for much long, but he has still managed to charm the kids whom he looks after, and neil finds himself caring about the kids just as much if not more. he hasn't had much problems with the kids parents before, but that all changes when the kid that andrew minyard starts fostering, whom had been one of the brats that neil took care of before the kid lost his parents, is found in the locker s of his club again and again.]

ghost foxes au - au masterlist

short fics - devils come out when the sun goes down ⇏ [♥ ● ☁︎] [foxes + katelyn go to eden's together for halloween]

- i know that i did you wrong (but will you trust me when i say that i'll make it up to you somehow) [♥ ● 🗡 ☁︎] [rather than a countdown on nathaniel’s birthday neil was given a gift in the form of a promise instead, one that after all that he had been through, he hadn’t dared to hope for. one which tasted too much like what he had once supposed freedom would taste like.]

- just woke up from a dream where you and i had had to say goodbye [♥ ● 🗡 ☁︎] [With their match against the Bearcats coming up, Andrew ends up having a nightmare of what happened in Baltimore a year ago.]

SMALL KEY!

[♥ - fluff] [● - angst] [🗡- character whump] [☁︎ - hurt/comfort] [🖋 - canon rewrite] [⚠ - ongoing] [⇏ - on hold] [≡ - kevandreil] - otherwise it's andreil

[rederiss]

@kidspawn The number symbolism is actually insane and so intricate that I have to make a full on post about it. This post will be divided up in a specific way to make the read much easier.

Jersey Numbers

1: Riko’s number. He is the first of the Perfect Court, so therefor he adorns the #1 tattoo on his face. He believes himself to be the King of the court, the most important piece, therefore making him #1.

2: Kevin’s number. Riko gave Kevin this number because he is his #2… his partner. The second best on court. He is the most important pawn to Riko. Later, Kevin tattoos his face with a queen chess piece to symbolize the most valuable and powerful chess board HOWEVER by doing so, he is still putting himself as #2 symbolically by a) only covering his tattoo up so therefor the remnants of the “2” is still there and b) by doing the second most important piece. While yes, it is the most valuable and powerful, it’s still the second most important because the King will always be most important. (I can go on about how Kevin checkmated the King (Riko) in the final game, proving that he is the most powerful piece on the court. So, while he is the self proclaimed Queen of Exy, he is still the second most important piece)(Kevin girlies please dont get mad at me, this is just my interpretation. If you disagree, please let me know why! Love to hear more about this).

3: This one is so fun and interesting and probably the most complicated one along with 4. I consider #3 and #4 the cursed numbers.

This is Jean’s and Andrew’s number BUT also the number Neil is suppose to have. For Jean, he is the third most important player in Riko’s perfect court. However, the number was NOT suppose to be his, it was suppose to be Neil’s number. Jean was suppose to be #4. However, the two switched numbers because Neil’s mother ran away with him. Had he not ran away, Neil would be three and Jean would be four. Those two were also suppose to be partners had Neil been with the Ravens. They are lost partners that share eachother’s numbers, they are intertwined in that regard.

Andrew is intertwined with Neil because he also holds the same number as Neil’s lost number. We could also say that he is connected to Jean in that way, but that will be discussed later (for a lot of reasons).

4: This number is the most cursed of all of them. A famous line that Jean says in The Raven King is “Did you know? In Japanese, 'four' and 'death' sound the same.” No one holds the #4 spot that I can think of (outside of Neil. Will get into that momentarily). That is because that number is the death number. Whoever has that jersey number is pretty much automatically connected to death. Look at the two very people who were suppose to have this number: Neil and Jean. Neil, because he is the butcher’s son. He has been surrounded by death his whole life. His father is a murderer. He adorned the number 4 tattoo at the end of TRK, which symbolizes his inevitable death by the end of the series. However, when he does get kidnapped by death (his father), they burned his #4 tattoo off, symbolizing him living at the end of the series. He no longer adorns that tattoo. Unlike Kevin, who still has the ghost of the tattoo behind his new queen tattoo, Neil’s tattoo is replaced by scar tissue when he got burned.

Now onto Jean, we all know that Jean died in every draft except for the final one. That’s already one connection. Now, I am going off on a limb here to say that the reason why he didn’t die is because he does not adorn that #4 tattoo (this is more of an in book reason. IDK why Nora decided not to). Having that #3 tattoo saved him symbolically (Physically, renee was the reason).

Now onto the more fun ones:

Jean’s Trojan jersey number is 29. 2 for Kevin. 9 for Renee. 2+9=11. 11 is Jeremy’s Jersey number.

Jean’s birthday is 11/9. 11 for Jeremy. 9 for Renee. It is also the same day the French Revolution ended (IDK my history on the French Revolution so if someone would like to clue me in on that one, that will be great!)

Kevin’s birthday is February 22, 2/22. Again, he will forever be haunted by the number 2. He can’t escape it.

Neil’s number is 10. If you look at his last name, it’s a play on his jersey number. Josten… Just ten. (Though IDK if Nora did that one on purpose or what)

Pretty sure I am missing some others. But I’ve mentioned my theory on Jeremy’s birthday being 3/11 for Jean’s and his jersey number + being a Pisces.

[ok555ficideas]

Kevin knew he was difficult to hang out with. No one ever wanted to listen to his rants about Exy, except for Neil and even the redhead got easily annoyed by him at times. He tried to talk about his other interests, but despite his best attempts he always sounded like a know-it-all. He didn’t want to make other people feel inferior, but he always had trouble modulating his tone into a gentler one. 

He used to not care about that. With the Ravens it was expected of him. He didn’t need to respect them, his job was to play and criticize them to make them better. The only people he had to try and behave around in the nest were Riko and the master. He remembered all those times when he got beat up, not knowing why. He thought he was talking normally and just sharing his thoughts but both men always found his attitude inappropriate. 

Growing up with them was tough. Kevin always felt different growing up. He hated not knowing what was expected of him. He made instructions in his head for every situation, for every person, just to not make any mistakes. With the master and Riko it was difficult. There was no way of predicting how they would react to a situation. Kevin tried really hard to be obedient and to play by their rules, but the rules were always changing. He was scared and confused and more times than not he took it out on other people. He was allowed to torment other players, he was even encouraged to do so. Every time he saw Riko smile, because he obliterated someone else with his words, he felt like he had finally cracked the code. He felt like this would gain him some points in this sick game, but it never did. It didn’t make Riko any less ruthless.

The first time he felt like he could be himself was with Jean. He still remembered the scared little kid entering the nest with the heart of a lion. Jean was scrawny, not yet hovering over others at the age of fourteen like he was now. Yet he was so much braver than Kevin ever was. He was so unapologetically himself, until Riko tortured it out of him. Still, when it was only two of them Kevin felt more at ease than he had felt his entire life. Jean understood him, Kevin didn’t need an instruction for him, because with the backliner he felt like he was allowed to make mistakes and he would be forgiven. 

Almost any mistake, because he wasn’t sure if they would be able to go back from his last one. He hoped that Jean would at least now have a happy life with the Trojans and that some day they would be okay again. 

He tried with the Foxes as well. He wanted them to get better and he was tired of masking all of his emotions so he just let them out. He realized fairly quickly that he was not a friend material and he refused to be scared of them like he was of Riko and didn‘t want to waste his time on playing nice like with the press. But unlike his jabs at the Ravens, the ones he was throwing at the Foxes were filled with gratitude and hope for them to get better. 

part of Soldier, Poet, King where I decided that Kevin will be an outlet for my frustration with growing up autistic without knowing it.

[speakingofalice]

**TGR Spoilers**

OKAY WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE RAVEN/FOX FIGHT AND NEIL

I saw that there has been some talk that Neil “I’m fine” Josten lay on the court floor after he was attacked not because he was that hurt, but to milk it to the crowd/refs and honestly, and respectfully, I disagree wholeheartedly.

Of course we weren’t there in Neil’s head and we will never know BUT what we can ascertain is that Neil saw Andrew go down. He saw that exy stick coming for Andrew’s head, slide down his helmet and connect solidly to his shoulder and then Andrew went down. We can then assume, that in the course of a second, he could see frantic movement, chaos not associated with exy violence but with true and frightening violence and just as he went to get to Andrew, get to Andrew, what is going on, get to Andrew. He gets absolutely blindsided.

Sure, maybe the first blow he would have been able to recover from but let’s not forget Lane (?) then came for his neck. Jeremy described it as her trying to break his neck and then says something along the lines of Neil not being able to fight her off.

Neil, who was held down by Riko, by Lola, by his Father was not just going to say down knowing his whole life (Andrew, Kevin, his foxes) were fighting for their lives in this organized ambush. He would never have laid down when he could do something. Because that is who Neil Josten is. He is a do-er. He is a problem-solver. He is a fixer (whether those he’s fixing likes it or not). He is loyal. he is traumatized. He is fiercely protective. He is paranoid. He is a fighter. He is a survivor.

There is no way Neil would play up his injury to the crowd because in that moment, who the fck cares about the crowd? Who cares about the court of public opinion? His people were being HURT.

Neil, who would do anything for Andrew wouldn’t stay down.

Neil, who would never knowingly and willingly allow himself to be checked out by Abby wouldn’t stay down.

Neil, whose whole life depends on his ability to play exy, wouldn’t stay down.

Neil, who could hear Kevin struggling, and Matt and Aaron fighting wouldn’t stay down.

Neil, who could sense Andrew’s pure rage, fright, pain, fighting his way to him wouldn’t stay down and knowingly put Andrew through such turmoil when he could do something to fix it (remember, they act like they’re in each other orbit? They know each other. Even with some secrets)

Sure, Neil “I’m fine” Josten has been through worse… but has he? Or did he think after brokering this deal, getting his father killed, was there when Riko died, who did his best to destroy the Ravens, help Jean, help Kevin, maybe he thought that this was the time to play exy. Forget the world and destroy this horrible team on the court.

Neil went down and didn’t get back up until he was helped off. That boy was hurt. Even days later, he struggled to get out of the car in front of strangers and cameras. He couldn’t stop the pain from his face. He may be an open book to Andrew but he is tough, and a btch and rude to outsiders. He is not weak and here, he showed weakness.

Just my two cents <3

[joejhang]

KEVIN DAY DISCOURSE

i actually didn't realise kevin haters existed but here it is. i am a defence attorney and my client is kevin day because the discourse i see about him is fucking crazy sometimes.

re: leaving the nest.

i literally just made a post about this but let me dig a little deeper into it. yes, i think leaving the nest in the way that he did definitely did fuck jean over hugely no one is denying that. yes, it was definitely a betrayal when you look at it from jean's pov. yes, there was probably another way of doing it that could've worked things out better (i have no idea what this would be but there might be something). yes, he did it fully knowing the consequences and what would happen to jean afterwards. yes, jean has every right to feel betrayed and to feel anger towards kevin, though i would argue his feelings for kevin in current canon are complicated and kevin's "abandonment" is only one factor in all of it.

however i said it in my post and i'll say it again here: genuinely what would you have him do? think about it for a second: riko has just beaten kevin half to death and broken his hand, literally shattered it with a racquet. even though kevin does recover, in this moment he (and everyone else) thought his career was over. and it's said by wymack, jean and neil that exy is the only thing kevin has in his life. it's what his life has revolved around since his mother's death. without the ability to play, jean makes it pretty clear that kevin literally would've killed himself. wymack also says that if kevin can't play, he can't survive. and that's if riko/tetsuji didn't get to him first. if kevin had stayed in the nest he literally would've died point blank. and jean probably would've as well, since he would have no one to keep his promise to then.

also it's actually insane to say you hate kevin or are angry at him for leaving the nest. would you genuinely have wanted him to stay there? at the place where he had been abused since he was a young child, the place where he was physically, emotionally and mentally broken through cult conditioning and violence? like it took immense desperation and courage to leave such an environment, where he had basically lived his whole life and built his whole life around. yes, it was selfish and had consequences for jean, but it wouldn't have been any better if he had stayed. if you're someone who is angry at or dislikes kevin for leaving the nest genuinely consider the alternative. it's literally so much so so so much worse. kevin stays and riko/tetsuji kill him for being dead weight or he literally kills himself, and then jean follows, and then aftg no longer exists because kevin day is literally the fucking catalyst for the whole thing. you can hold two truths in your mind at once. 1. it was a selfish thing to do and 2. it was the only thing to do. think about that.

re: his relationship with jean

i am fully aware that kevjean have a plethora of problems in the current canon. but i raise you this: almost all of them are because of the environment their relationship formed in. and while kevin is described to have mostly been the bystander in that relationship, kevin did not just get off scot-free in the nest either. jean specifically states that kevin suffered a lot in the nest, mostly emotionally and psychologically, and the damage and lingering effects can still be seen in tgr. i think what people need to realise is that kevin and jean were both bystanders to each other. neither of them were in any position to jump in and save the other, so before everyone starts bitching about kevin just "letting" riko hurt jean think about the fact that kevin doesn't "let" riko do anything, kevin is essentially riko's pet on a leash. riko is literally canonically described as kevin's "owner" do you guys really think kevin had any power to stop riko? and same with jean, he also "stood by" when riko broke kevin's hand and beat him half to death, and i don't really think either of them did anything wrong because genuinely what the fuck do you do in that situation. they were both so powerless and probably fucking terrified. they did the best they could by helping each other in the aftermath of all the abuse. can we free jean from the relentless babying and victimisation obviously he is a victim no one is denying that but kevin and jean's relationship (while obviously problematic and messy) was not one where jean was kevin's victim because i consider them both sort of joined in their suffering in the nest. yes to different degrees in different categories but the truth still stands: they were together in their suffering. i don't consider either of them victims of the other because that's just genuinely so unfair and uncharitable to both of them.

in regards to his current dynamic with jean, there are obvious issues. it's not quite a friendship, as they both say, and it has a lot of problems in its dynamic, because they're both aware of the nest's toxic hierarchy between them, and the difference in their "status" at the nest (kevin being a glorified pet and jean being merely property). it doesn't make for the healthiest or most balanced dynamic, but i think what's important to realise is that they both have very little control over it. what's also important to understand is that they don't really have ill intentions for each other. they don't wish harm upon each other and honestly i would say they care about each other and want the best for each other. people can be rubbed the wrong way about kevin's bossiness and the lingering bitterness between them in tgr but i honestly think that's just always been a part of their relationship. also kevin is literally always bossy he's the same way with andrew and neil they just respond to it differently. also i think kevin and jean were the closest thing they each had to a friend growing up, so i think that's important to take into consideration.

side note: i do think kevin was well aware of jean's feelings for him back in the nest. or he at least had his suspicions. but on one hand he was too focused on the court and the game to indulge an actual discussion about it and on the other hand it's probably better for both of them that it was kept mostly on the down low because it never would've happened or worked out anyway.

so tldr: kevin is undoubtedly a flawed, messy, imperfect character. he can often be selfish and sometimes "cowardly", if we're being particularly ungenerous, but sometimes i think the fandom takes on too much of neil's disdain for kevin and his coping mechanisms/responses to trauma. but the difference is, neil understands and just doesn't really care but i really don't think the fandom has thought this one through. you can hold two truths at once people. anyway yeah.

[gojosprisonrealm]

from a past life- satosugu

pride, but make devastating. teehee- lizzy

“Well, somewhere between a lover and a friend

It was different back then

Surreal, poetic but uncertain

Like a bizarre chick-flick with a confusing end”

-Kevin Parker

Satoru couldn’t recall a time when he ever believed in seeing ghosts. Sounds strange, yeah? He exorcised curses on a near daily basis, but that’s not quite what he meant. He meant more along the lines of someone’s dead soul treading the Earth. Not in the form of an attached curse, like in the case of Rika. More like a commonplace film ghost. Eerily similar to the body the soul used to inhabit.

At first, the sighting of the ghost he saw was too good to be true. It happened on his way back from a staff meeting for Jujutsu Tech instructors. Satoru would be lying if he said the meeting was entirely protocol— They had shot the shit over drinks. He’d seen a side of Ieiri he hadn’t seen in a literal decade. It was the kind of night that made him feel surrounded by the youthful optimism he’d longed for since…

Truthfully, the “meeting” only lasted an hour. Ieiri and himself had stayed another two. Things finally felt normal. Felt nostalgic. Felt real. Shoko Ieiri had been pretty closed off since the deaths of her classmate in high school and the tragedy of Riko. Honestly, Satoru had been too. Going through something of that sort at an age that impressionable left scars. Being holed up behind walls of steel made it easier to prevent those.

He and Ieiri shared stories that made them feel like their walls were down. They recalled their youth, swapping anecdotes of classroom debates and mission-based exams. She even teased him with recollections of the beginnings of his and Suguru’s relationship. He never imagined her poking fun at that, considering he had left almost a decade ago to attempt murdering humanity en masse.

It hurt her, too, and he knew that.

The air was silent and heavy as the two trekked through the parking garage in downtown Tokyo. City lights lit up the dark and faint music could be heard in all directions. They took their time going to their cars, dim lamps hardly illuminating the garage.

“Have you registered that Yuuta kid, yet?” Ieiri asked Satoru, walking shoulder to shoulder with the occasional buzzed bump.

Satoru hummed, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Okkotsu only just agreed to come to Jujutsu Tech two days ago, so I filed the paperwork and printed his student ID today.”

Ieiri quirked an eyebrow, her usual purple eye bags folding. “What’s his rank?” Instead of answering with words, Satoru pulled it from his pocket and flashed it in her face. Her jaw fell open. “Special grade? The kid doesn’t even know how to wield energy!”

“He doesn’t need to,” Satoru tucked the card back into his pocket for safekeeping. “Rika’s presence alone is enough to grant him that title. Besides, he’ll get there. We all did.”

“You and Suguru only did because you fed off of each other’s competitive spirits. What about Yuuta? Who does he have to encourage him?” Ieiri inquired, pulling a pack of cigarettes from her coat pocket.

Satoru could only stare on forward as they paced up the next ramp. He listened to the flicking of her lighter and the singeing of the cigarette beneath the flame. He didn’t think he could muster up the words to speak. She didn’t have to say a word for him to understand what she was implying in that statement. He and Suguru had a deeper connection than just competitive spirits. They were in love.

They’d started seeing each other in their second year at Jujutsu Tech. To be honest, they butted heads too much in their first year to really get to know each other— which says a lot, considering they continued to butt heads into their second and third years. They’d skip class together to go to matinee films; they had multiple spots across campus where they could meet in private and not get caught. Stealing moments in secrecy made them feel like they weren’t two of the most powerful beings in the country. They were allowed to just be Satoru and Suguru.

Ieiri had found out not long into their relationship. They had been sneaking a kiss outside their dorms after dinner and hadn’t realized Ieiri was smoking on the porch. It was actually very humorous: the three of them held eye contact for at least twenty seconds before someone said anything, let alone moved. Nervous for what she’d say, the two boys had stepped away from each other and began rambling about how normal it was to kiss your friends good night.

Ieiri had quickly put out her cigarette and only said, “As if you two could get any more insufferable.”

After she noticed that Satoru wasn’t answering her hypothetical question, she lowered her cigarette and turned to look towards his stoic expression. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought him up.”

It was different when they were drinking and the mood was high. He could get by with jokes about how they thought they were sly in high school. But for it to be brought up in such a serious and reflective moment only made him feel sick.

They stopped at Ieiri’s car and leaned up against the trunk hood. “Don’t worry about it. He was your friend, too. You’re allowed to talk about him,” Satoru replied after a long moment of silence.

“But I wasn’t his boyfriend. I try to be mindful of that. I just haven’t been close enough with you lately to even talk about it, so it slipped my mind,” She brought the cigarette to her lips.

Satoru pushed his glasses up by the bridge of his nose and then gripped the hood of the trunk. “I’ve missed spending time with you, Shoko.”

“We should do this more often,” She replied. “I don’t mind seeing you buzzed. It gives me material for later jokes. Especially when you get sick.”

“Shut the fuck up,” he lightly swatted at her shoulder, causing a small smile to form beneath the cigarette between her teeth. “I don’t always throw up when I’m drinking.”

Ieiri shrugged with a shit-eating grin. “I don’t know. You did a lot in school.”

“Well, we’re adults now. That was a one-time thing,” Satoru crossed his arms and stuck out his lower lip.

After a small chuckle left Ieiri’s lips, Satoru turned to face her again. He hadn’t heard Shoko laugh in years. And when he said years, he meant years.

He reached down and grabbed her hand. He curled his fingers around her palm, his chest aching for how simple things used to be the last time he’d heard her laugh. Ieiri’s smile fell and she returned the gesture, squeezing his hand tight.

“I know you don’t hate me as much as you let on, Ieiri,” Satoru teased, holding the hand of his best friend. No matter how much time went by, he knew she’d always be there.

Shoko blew a puff of smoke from her lips and scoffed. “You wish.”

Satoru took that as code for “You’re right.”

They silently agreed simultaneously that they needed to get home before classes tomorrow morning and parted ways. Satoru waved back and he kept on his trek up the garage and Shoko climbed into the drivers seat, squashing the cigarette under her foot.

He suddenly felt very alone, more so than the last couple of years. Maybe it was because he finally felt reconnected with Ieiri after the night’s discussions. Or maybe he just was lonely. Whatever the case, he didn’t let on, just continued up the ramps, forgoing the stairwells in the corners of each floor. He needed this walk and figured that the longer, the better.

Eventually he reached his car. Instead of feeling relieved to be at his destination, he felt uneasy. He knew immediately it was his six eyes picking up on something, but the presence felt alien. It felt… impossible. He shut his driver’s door and shoved the key back into his pocket, stepping out past his back bumper again to scan the area.

Dim, dull, and deserted. Where was the presence?

It could’ve just been on a floor above or below him. He chose to believe that. It didn’t matter, after all, because his infinity had his back. He spun around on his heel and reproached his car door, but froze. There was something in his side mirror. A figure. A ghost.

He whipped around and saw someone walking down from the topmost level of the garage. They had dark hair and baggy sweats and hands shoved nonchalantly in their pockets. Satoru’s uneasiness returned. His instinct was right. He should know that by now.

The figure paused, Satoru froze once more, and it dawned upon him. It had to be a ghost. It was a phantom of what was, dancing in his line of vision like a lingering memory meant to taunt him for his lack of action. It was Suguru.

Maybe it was because it felt safer to assume this was his long-passed spirit treading the Earth, or maybe he just didn’t think he could handle speaking to him, but Satoru chose to believe this was Suguru’s ghost visiting him on the living plane.

It definitely felt like it. He stood so ominously across the concrete floor, the dim lamps flickering overhead in a way that obscured his face. He seemed too collected to be the Suguru he remembered, anyhow. Suguru wouldn’t be smiling at him right now. Suguru would be showing emotion and at least showing some sign of hesitance, holding himself back from running up to his old lover, right?

But Satoru’s six eyes never lied. That was Suguru Geto— in the flesh, not in spirit. It was, in fact, his lover, but this was a new version of him, not the one he knew from their past lives.

Satoru threw up in his mouth, and as gross as it was, he quickly swallowed it. Maybe Ieiri was right and he did get sick easy after drinking.

“Satoru,” the man across the way finally iterated. The sound of his name leaving Suguru’s lips felt so natural and reminiscent of their youth, but it also felt tangibly fake. “What are the odds I would run into you in a place as mundane as this? It almost feels like one of our secret dates.”

Satoru began to sweat as Suguru approached him, but he made sure to present as calm and stoic as possible. “How the fuck did you manage to find me?” Satoru managed to spit out.

“Surely that’s not the proper way to greet an ex,” Suguru stopped in his tracks with about five feet of room between them.

“There are a few more striking ways I could greet you right now, but I’m feeling generous,” Satoru seethed.

“You wouldn’t dare, Satoru, I know you too well. You’ve had the chance to kill me before, what makes you think you could do it now?”

Satoru hoped his expression wasn’t letting on how hurt he was and he sure hoped his tone wasn’t either. “What are you doing here? Why come see me?”

“I’ve heard some rumors from cursed spirits I’ve encountered. Something about a queen of curses,” Suguru implied.

Satoru felt a pang in his chest. Of course he wasn’t here just to see him. Why would he be? “Seems like you know all you need to, then.”

“Not quite. She’s attached to someone. I’d have her by now if this weren’t the case,” Suguru’s expression hardened as Satoru dodged his implications.

“Are you sure you’re not just incapable?” The sorcerer replied, placing a hand on his hip, glancing at him over the rims of his glasses.

Suguru scowled, but then quickly laughed. “You know as well as I do that no one comes as close to your skill as me.”

He hated how right he was.

“If I’m understanding what you’re insinuating, as I’ve said earlier, you have the answers to your questions. I’d suggest you go now before I do what I should’ve done ten years ago.”

“I only want to save him.”

Satoru’s eyes widened. He’d fully be ready to hear that Suguru wanted Yuuta in order for him to be able to absorb Rika. Not this.

“The sorcerer’s world is a curse in of itself, bound to always serve those who can’t serve themselves. It’s draining, Satoru, and we’ve both seen what that does to people. Let me save him from a future that you know all too well.”

Defection. Murder. Betrayal. Satoru knew damn well what he was on about.

“You don’t know the kid. I do. He’ll turn out just fine. He has a good heart,” Satoru retorted.

“Are you suggesting I don’t?” Suguru questioned, the light above him trilling and flickering.

Satoru felt his stomach drop to his ankles. He knew Suguru’s heart enough to know that it was, deep down, good. He just didn’t understand how he could do this, how he could go to such extremes. He could still recall the Suguru he once knew, the one who brought him back chocolate from everywhere he went, the one who defended him up and down in meetings with teachers, the one who frequently had brought him down from the panic of startling nightmares. He knew that Suguru had to be around somewhere, even if he did feel long gone.

“You know how deeply your heart resonates with me. Don’t act like you’re clueless.”

Suguru offered a half-hearted shrug. “You do know me better than anyone.”

Satoru felt like he’d been sucker punched in the gut. He couldn’t stop himself before the words fell out of his mouth in a soft, broken whisper. “Then why did you leave me?”

Suguru’s demeanor seemed to shift. Like a fog had lifted. His eyes softened. “I don’t think you’ll ever understand my reasoning. And I don’t expect you to.”

“You’re right, I don’t think I ever will!” Satoru exclaimed, harshly pointing his finger at Suguru. “Do you know what it felt like to be in my position? Scared? In disbelief? Most of all, heartbroken? For fuck’s sake, Suguru, I can’t look at the students I teach without thinking of how similar they are to us!”

“I know I hurt you-“ he took a step forward.

“-Hurt isn’t a word strong enough to describe it and you know that.”

“Satoru, I know,” Suguru said sternly. “That doesn’t change my drive. That doesn’t change what I have set out to do; my mind is made up!”

“Clearly! Your family is a testimony to that.”

“Please, I just want you to know how much it hurt me to leave,” Suguru began to almost plead, as if Satoru’s characterization of his sanity made him crave for his past love to see him in the light he used to. “I loved you, Satoru, you know that.”

Satoru could only scoff. “Hard telling, it was pretty easy for you to leave-“

Suddenly, he had to stop. His audience wasn’t listening anymore. In fact, his audience had his face in his hands. He felt the calloused fingertips of Suguru holding the side of his face, brushing a strand of hair away from his eyes. “Sug- Geto,” Satoru breathed, his face going aflame.

“Don’t,” Suguru replied, “don’t call me that, now.”

Satoru hated to admit how lovely his touch felt and how his skin almost welcomed his hand home. He hated how tears welled in his eyes, blinking them away instantaneously. He hated that Suguru read him like a book and knew that his dedication never wavered. He hated that he let him take his glasses off. He hated that the space between them grew thinner.

He could only hate for so long because that quickly turned into an ache to return to his love.

Suguru pressed his lips to Satoru’s, gently at first, until the two quickly became familiar with the sensation and the want intensified. Satoru reached up to grab Suguru’s hair, threading his fingers onto the back of his scalp, just as he always used to during their not-so-hidden encounters. He felt his head grow fuzzier than it had previously been, as if he had never felt a high like this. With Suguru, he could forget. This had always been the case.

He felt his hip bump backwards against the trunk of his car and Suguru put a hand on the small of his back. This was comfort, this was home. This was what had driven Satoru to years of solitude. Nothing could top this sensation. Nothing could top the love he had for Suguru, his one and only. They weren’t the strongest when they were together, they were just as they were. He could forget when he was with-

-Except, no, he couldn’t really forget.

Suddenly very sober, Satoru pushed Suguru away, both hands flat against his chest. The shock was evident in the man’s eyes, but Satoru quickly broke the silence.

“Get the fuck out of here, Suguru. You said it earlier: you chose this. I can’t stand idly by. Stay the hell away from my students and I won’t find a reason to seek you out,” Satoru spat, watching Suguru stagger backwards.

Suguru’s lips parted, but he quickly snapped them shut and smiled in a way that almost made Satoru rethink his mercy. “It’s Yuuta Okkotsu, yes?”

“What-“

“I heard you and Ieiri earlier. You really are a loudmouth, Satoru. Always have been.”

“After everything-“

Confident his lover wouldn’t lay a finger on him, Suguru spun around and began to leave, hands shoved into his pockets just as they had been earlier. “Give Ieiri my best, won’t you?”

Satoru couldn’t say a word. Just as he had ten years ago, he stretched out his arm, positioning his thumb over his bent middle finger. His head screamed to release it, watch the purple beam fly from his fingertips, but of course, he just couldn’t. His throat welling, he lowered his arm, and watched as Suguru disappeared from his line of sight.

He stooped to the ground and swept up his glasses, repositioning them on his nose. It was almost like that moment never happened. Almost.

“I only want to save him.”

Satoru wished he could’ve.