#that’s where I feel sole would get their HRT if they needed it for any reason whatsoever. just ask Hancock

[waffle-reaver]

Nick Valentine comfort bc why not. It’s been a while since I was writing something.

Tw for family issues, Dysphoria, transphobia/homiphobia/etc, past/depictions of SH, mental health issues, and overall just a lot of things that go on in one’s head when they are suffering from mental health issues.

[ Family is not by blood, it is by love ]

It had been a long night of work at The Dugout Inn. It was your main job outside of being an intern for Nick Valentine, especially since he desperately needed an extra set of hands and eyes on his cases now that Ellie had been helping the fated Sole Survivor get back on their feet.

You tiredly walked home in the rain, knowing what would likely ensue the moment you stepped in the door of your parents’ home. One you grew to hate being in. Despite being an adult, caps were hard to come by nowadays. After Diamond City entered a recession, everyone was working overtime. Even your own damned parents. The parents that only saw you as your birth gender. Ones that never validated you. Your mother had tried, oh she had tried to make you feel more validated. She kept saying that she wouldn’t understand but she would never not love you. But she never used your preferred pronouns or name. She didn’t even bother trying. And your father…he hated you. He hated everything about you the moment you came out to him. The moment you saw the world in your own eyes instead of his. Your father was a wretched, bigoted man. And yet you still stayed in that house. With your bigoted parents. Because you couldn’t afford to leave. No matter how many times your father had yelled hurtful words at you despite your mother’s peace-bringing words. No matter how many screaming matches you had with him, yelling at him about his own actions. His own hypocritical behavior and bigoted, narcissistic attitude. It brought you to angry tears knowing they were never going to listen, and yet no matter what, you still tried to make them at least try and accept you. Try and realize you weren’t going to change. No matter how much they hated the idea of you changing.

You were just about in the doorway when your father came yelling about you identifying yourself differently. He yelled at you that you were never going to be the gender you wanted to be. That it was whatever demon he believed in and you didn’t. You were able to tune him out most nights…but tonight you snapped. You screamed obscenities back at him, calling him out for being so…so heartless. So hateful. Towards his own child, no less. One that he had the obligation to protect and love, but instead chose to fret over them not being a perfect carbon copy of himself. To get angry at you for just trying to be yourself. You left in a hurry, your old school bag that you used for work on your back, grateful for having a binder on your body. The sight of your body made you sick. You couldn’t even shower without wanting to scratch and pick at whatever skin you saw as imperfect, as a disgusting mass of tissue and muscle. It would render you looking like an addict, but you didn’t care. You just wanted to be perceived as the gender you were. Not as the gender you were born as. It had gotten bad enough that you had began to relapse again…you only somewhat stopped because of Nick. And now, as you rushed out the door, sobbing in anger, frustration and out of pure despair, you were at Nick’s doorstep.

The lights were on. That was a good sign. That meant that Nick or Ellie was still up. You stepped inside, frustrated that the door handle was sticking from the wasteland being so cruel to the architecture of Diamond City.

“Kid…?” Nick looked up. He saw just how ruined you were. How you were going to relapse at any moment if it wasn’t for you running off to the agency to begin with.

“Kid what’s going on? Are you okay?” Nick’s voice went cold with worry. He had never seen you like this. He had seen you cry, he had seen you struggle, but he had never seen you absolutely wrecked like you were now.

You shook your head, tears streaming down your face, trying desperately not to sob. Nick didn’t hesitate to get up and attempt to comfort you, putting his mechanical hands on your shoulders, urging you to sit down before you collapsed on him. You nearly choked on your own words as you explained what had happened. “My dad…my dad found out…he found out.” You broke down as you recalled just what happened. You fought with him, and you ran off, knowing he would kick you out sooner or later.

“Oh no…kiddo…” Nick’s voice softened. He knew that it was going to happen. You both knew. You just didn’t know it would happen now.

“Easy, kiddo. You’ll be ok. Just let it out. We both got ya. You’re safe, kid. You’re safe.” Nick was almost uncharacteristically soft spoken and gentle as he let you cry into his arms, his grip somewhat tightening as you shook with disbelief and frustration, your sobs muffled by the fabric of his

It took a while to get yourself to calm down. Your eyes stung as the tears came to a halt, exhausted.

Nick held you close to his body, stroking your head like a parent would when they were calming down their child. And in a way, Nick was your parent. He wasn’t just your boss. He was the only person who really accepted you for your own self. He was your only support system.

“Just breathe. I got you.” Nick reassured, letting you lean on his metal body, keeping you safe from your own head. After a long moment of silence, you spoke, your voice hoarse from crying.

“Nick…why is it so hard for them to accept me…I don’t get it…”

“Well, kid. Some people don’t understand how things work…and it scares them. It scares them so much they turn angry. They feel like only their way should be the right way. And don’t even stop to consider how others might feel…I know, it’s rough kid…” Nick absentmindedly brushed a stray hair from your forehead.

“Yeah…yeah I know…” you sighed, knowing that he was right.

“Family isn’t defined by blood…it’s about who cares about ‘ya. I want you to know that, alright? So no matter what happens to you, you always got a spot here with Ellie and I, Got it, kiddo? We won’t ever turn ya away.” Nick hugged you again, standing up.

“Yeah. Thank you, Nick…that…that means a lot to me.” You gave a weak smile, steadily getting up, legs still shaking from sprinting down to the agency.

“Why dont’cha room with me and Ellie tonight? It’d be better if I knew you wouldn’t be hurt. And don’t worry about taking up space, kiddo. We already got a couch set up back when that Vault Dweller worked with us full time.” Nick placed a hand on your shoulder, guiding you to the back of the office where Ellie and Nick slept.

“Yeah…yeah I’d like that…”

[Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall.]

You and Nick had been dating for a while. And he knew full well about your identity…how your parents weren’t accepting, how you hated looking in mirrors…even how you relapsed out of pure disgust over yourself.

And tonight was no different. You had been laying in bed, tending to your newest relapse, pain shooting through your body, it’s sickly, bittersweet feeling lulling you into a world of bleak thoughts and bad memories. You stared down at your body…your mouth went dry just looking at the silhouette of your chest. The silhouette of your hips. You squeezed your eyes shut, sighing deeply, as Nick came home.

“Hon’ I’m home.” He called, setting his coat on the coatrack and his fedora on the table.

“Don’t tell me you ain’t here, now…” He said to himself, starting to look for you, calling for you. You only spoke up when he started to get a little bit nervous, not being able to find you.

“I’m in here, nick..” you tiredly called, curling up away from the door out of habit.

“Ah..,there you are. Are…are you doin’ ok, hon? You seem down tonight. Somethin’ happen?” Nick enters the room, coming up beside you to gently place his hand on your shoulder.

“I’m,..I’m fine Nick, just tired, is all..”

“You sure? You don’t sound fine…” Nick could tell something was off…and it was better to not lie about it than try to lie, knowing he’d find out either way.

You sighed, shaking your head.

“Another one of those days, huh?” Nick’s voice became gentle, knowing what had happened.

“Oh, hon’…I’m sorry…you should’ve called me. I would’a came home sooner.” Nick slowly slipped into bed next to you, holding you in his arms.

“I know…but I didn’t wanna bother you while you were out on that case…I thought I could handle it on my own.”

Nick sighed, running his hands over your shoulders reassuringly. “You know I’m here for you. You don’t have to keep these things secret…you shouldn’t have to “handle things yourself” either, sweetheart. That isn’t how things get better. You’ll just get yourself killed if ya keep trying to trudge along like this…and that ain’t right. Not at all.”

You gave a tired sigh, almost collapsing into his chest as he held you from behind, his mechanical body gently whirring underneath his synthetic skin as the closeness of the two of you soothed both of your anxious thoughts. “I know…I just…I don’t know, Nick. I couldn’t stop myself…”

“And that’s alright…I’m not mad at you. I’m just worried, is all. Concerned for ya.” Nick felt the razor against his chest as his hands brushed against your sides, reaching for the front pocket of your sweatshirt and setting it off to his side of the bed. “…You wanna tell me what happened?”

You nodded slowly, explaining to him how bad your dysphoria got, somewhat crying as you felt the frustration of the situation. Nick listened attentively, idly running his hands through your hair as you explained, feeling you hug his body somewhat tighter than before out of comfort.

“Oh…oh sweetheart…” Nick held you against his chest, as if he didn’t want to let you go. If he was human, he would have been sobbing by now, just hearing how much it hurt you to see yourself like that…hear how others thought of you. “I’m so sorry…”

As you explained yourself to Nick, you started crying, hating how such little things could set you back and make you feel sick.

“Hey…hey look at me” Nick noticed you crying, gently cupping your face and making you look up at him, noticing how you looked away in frustration and embarrassment. You didn’t like crying. And Nick knew that all too well. “Hon…listen now, alright? You are perfect as you are. You got it? Those people out there…they’re wrong…you’re just as much of a person as anyone else in this wasteland. And I won’t let you think anything different, you hear? You’re the best thing I could’a asked for…and you’re more human than anyone else in this damn world…no matter what you look like…no matter if you pass or not…you’re valid. You are loved. Both me an’ Ellie won’t ever leave you like that. And more people need to see you for who you really are…and not what they think of you…”

You felt your head hit Nick’s shoulder lightly as your exhaustion got to you, small tears being wiped away from your face by Nick’s gentle hands, his embrace keeping you safe. “I love you…” you croak out, your voice weak from crying so much. You feel better with him, even if the pain was still lingering. You felt safe in his arms, despite the brutality of Diamond City…and you needed to keep it that way. Not just for you. But because you knew it would crush Nick if he knew something happened…

“I love you too, hon.”

[catboybiologist]

Youre leaving academia? How come?

I'm mastering out of my PhD program, which will leave me with the dubious and redundant distinction of having two masters. I might be back someday, but I really don't know.

There's too many small reasons. Each one of them wouldn't make me go on its own, but together, they feel crushing.

First and foremost is that my thesis is a bit directionless, and I'm too burned out to try and get it back on track. I won't put too many details here but yeah.

Another is very common: burnout. I've been in grad school for 5 years and am nowhere close to finishing with an actual PhD. Better to have two masters than nothing, and move onto a more steady, higher paying job.

And yeah, for better or for worse, transition is a major player here. I spent nearly an academic year with both my T and E nuked, and it affected my energy a lot. Then I came out, and I hit the anxiety wall of figuring out everything about my presentation and the scrutiny I was under daily....

I had a brief moment where I felt like I was being really productive, and then started sliding into a depression about the current political state and general growing transphobia. I don't WANT to be constantly thinking about my transition. But it feels like that's forced on me. I don't want to forget my trans identity, but like... there's a title IX investigative team for trans women in restrooms so I hunt for a gender neutral one whenever I have to go, every time I talk to my students, especially about the genetics of sex determination, I feel that little bit of extra scrutiny on me, any grant or scholarship that would mention that I'm trans, even as an afterthought, is gone, I need to prepare for going off-insurance for HRT, I get disgusted looks walking down the street in the small town next to my college town as opposed to campus...

Early transition is exhausting in ten million subtle ways. And yeah, I think that burned me out. Not enough to make me drop out on its own. But def enough for me to not want to re-rail my project into a thesis.

More positively, transition also made me realize that I was using academic achievement as my sole source of validation and happiness. Now that I'm happier with my baseline life and comfortable in my body, I need that less.

I might come back some day. Who knows. I have really complicated feelings about this and still love research, but I can't keep going on like this tbh. There's a lot of shame tied up in this so I might act weird if anyone asks further stuff.

[fenderjess]

last night a cis woman asked me if I liked her top and it ended up making me cry

oh, it looks great, i said, but what's 'kors'?

"WHAAAT? Don't pretend you don't know who that is, EVERYONE knows michael kors! You know, the fashion designer?"

can't say i do, i respond

"Wow, that's surprising! well, what's your favorite brand?"

favorite brand. what an odd concept.

how do i tell her ive never been interested in flashy expensive things. that even in a magical world where price is no object, i dont have the luxury of being choosy about where my clothes come from, that i dont get to have a wide selection of clothes because the powers that be running the clothing lines have deemed my body Too Big to be worthy of flattering or fun outifts, that i have to get whatever fits me from whoever sells it, that fat women are only accommodated if they're curvy in the Right Way, that tall women must be supermodel-thin?

how do i tell her that no, i don't know all the labels, because when i was growing up the clothes i wore were often whatever bland stuff i got at christmas, or dumb edgy hot topic graphic tees and jnco jeans and tripp pants, or polos and cargo shorts, or mechanic coveralls? that if i'd ever shown any interest in fashion, the boys at school would have beaten my ass, and called me a faggot even more than they already did; hell, maybe my dad would have, too

how do i tell her that where she and my mom and all the other cis women in my life have decades of cultural context and marketing and rebellion against the marketing and cultural discourse and whatever the complete gestalt of GIRLHOOD is and its effect on tastes informing their response to such a question, i just have a gaping thirty-year void of twisted feelings and avoiding things like "my appearance" as much as possible and painful memories and dissociation and trauma and enforced male gender roles and interests that rolled off my mind like a duck's back leaving me a shell of a young adult?

how do i tell her that my sole desire is to tear down the entire edifice of the Fashion Industry and the capitalist system that runs it and the class that benefits from my suffering and my insecurity and my desperation that drives me to buy clothes that fit at a 50% markup if they're available in my size at all, and replace it with a world where clothes just Last and you don't have to keep up with trends and every single person can get comfortable, beautiful clothes tailored to them without having to fork over money to a company that employs slave labor?

how do i tell her that even in asking the question, i'm reminded of the yawning chasm between their upbringings and mine, that i never had a pretty senior portrait or a tacky prom dress or goofy rebelliously short-skirted outfits that i can look back on and shake my head with a smile, that i would need another thirty years of immersion in that world to even have a prayer of answering that, that i'm too busy stressing over whether next month there'll be new laws that kick me off my hrt again, that it's yet another gut-punch of an interaction reminding me that in some people's eyes I'll be forever marked out as a Different Kind of woman?

well, i mean, i say, hugging myself and averting my gaze, i'm so big that finding things in my size is amlost impossible, and honestly the whole experience is so stressful i just don't bother most of the time.

"Ooooh you sohuld start your own clothing line tailored to girls like you! That'd be fun, right?"

[delta-holonfoil]

Greetings!

I’m Professor Blair S. Tenaza (she/her), and I’m now the head researcher at the Holon Research Tower, located in Holon City in, you guessed it, the Holon region! Our topics of interest at the HRT are as follows:

Find and study the mythical Pokémon Mew

Research the effects of electromagnetism both on the region and on its Pokémon, including and especially Delta Pokémon

Develop and refine artificial equivalents to existing Pokémon (this task primarily falls to our lead roboticist and his team)

Now, I’ll share a brief primer on Delta Species and Holon, as I know that is certainly the least known aspect of our research here. Originally, Holon was a region devoid of people. It wasn’t especially habitable for humans, and so Pokémon were its sole inhabitants. Then my predecessor came along and established Holon City and the HRT, specifically in pursuit of Mew. His machinery used in the search emitted electromagnetic waves on a scale previously unheard of, even beyond the special magnetic fields found in places like Mount Coronet and Chargestone Cave.

Prolonged exposure to these extreme waves altered the Holon ecosystem permanently, resulting in many Pokémon permanently obtaining different typings and mannerisms. Some of these Pokémon, remarkably, are recognizable as extant regional forms! For example, Kantonian, Alolan, and Galarian Meowth are all native to Holon now, where before only the Kantonian variety existed, and Cyndaquil evolved here become the once thought lost Hisuian form of Typhlosion. Many other Pokémon took on entirely new forms, such as the Gardevoir family becoming Psychic/Steel-types, and exposing a male Kirlia to a dawn stone produced an entirely new Psychic/Dark-type Pokémon known as Callord. For these altered Pokémon, the designations Delta Species (for all) and Holonnite (for the unique ones) were introduced.

These accidental changes to the environment were seen as both fascinating and concerning, and studies on their full impact were launched. It was quickly deduced that not only would removing the electromagnetic waves not revert these Pokémon to their previous forms, but that doing so would be detrimental to their health. Furthermore, it was discovered at this time that the islands off the coast of Holon’s mainland, distant from Holon City’s emissions, also held Delta Species. Prism Island was laden with crystals that seemed to be producing Delta Species, which briefly drew comparison to the Terastal phenomenon before further research confirmed no true link. Meanwhile, the further-out Scale Archipelago was found to be a nesting ground for Dragon-like Pokémon, and home to new forms that were determined to be natural Holonnite variations.

And that more or less covers the basics! I can get into Holonnite geography another day for those curious, but I think this post is plenty long already. Just know that those early days of research were nearly 20 years ago, now, and much of the staff here at the HRT has changed since then. We feel very strongly about not altering Holon’s ecosystem any further, and work hard to ensure the continued health of all people and Pokémon in Holon.

Finally, allow me to introduce the Pokémon I keep as research aides!

Claire the Castform. She helps me with studying the weather here in Holon, which has also been impacted.

Sprout the Holonnite Meganium (Grass/Ground). He’s great at judging the health of plant life, another important aspect of our impact.

Trace the Holonnite Smeargle (Normal/Ghost). He sketches anything I need documented, which is great because it can be hard to take pictures here in Holon. There’s solutions, but I just find him much more reliable.

Beacon the Artificial Starmie (Water/Steel). One of our robotics team’s creations. It’s extremely reliable for taking electromagnetic readings, and a trustworthy ride if I need to do work out on Holon Lake or along the coast, above water or below!

Shade the Alolan Persian. She’s my tracker. If I’m looking for a specific Pokémon, she’s almost always able to hunt it down. I chose her over the other Meowth variations present here because her Dark typing further helps in keeping a low profile to observe wildlife.

Magnus the Scorlev (Electric/Flying, evolution of Holonnite Gligar). He’s my aerial transport, and incredibly in-tune with Holon’s electromagnetic field. There’s quite a few options here for those needs, but what sets him apart is that Holonnite Gligar are a natural Delta Species from the Scale Archipelago!

Plus Zed, my PoryPhone. We use PoryPhones here in Holon because Porygon are already here and already proven unaffected by the extreme electromagnetism. We actually impose some fairly strict regulations here in order to protect visitors’ Pokémon, and that includes barring entry for many species which might be impacted by Holon’s unique conditions.

OOC

Oops! I made another one! This time it’s inspired by the Holon region, an official setting from the TCG in back 2005! With my own personal twists, of course. I made a big list of Pokémon known to officially be in Holon (regular or Delta), and then did some minor retcons if a Delta Species resembled an existing regional variant. For any missing evolutions (released in Gen 4 or later) I’ve invented entirely new evolutions to replace them, and for any existing Delta Species that didn’t match a regional variant, I’ve devised a new Holonnite variant matching the card game’s typing. Unlike in the TCG, it’s not just a glow of energy, but a whole new form

And yes, Blair is aware what else HRT stands for. It’s something of an internal joke at the Tower because a sizable portion of the team, herself included, is trans :)

My main blog is @tlblitz, and I also run @tlblitzle, @zenith-exploration-guild, and @squallsong-survival

[hollyandherkinks]

7, 31, 45, 53, 56, 71, 84, 96, 99 for the other ask game hehe

Yayy more questions

7. What’s the soonest after meeting someone that you’ve slept with them?

Same day lol

31. What’s something that turns you on, but you’re a bit embarrassed by?

Most thinga tbh, feet, being called mommy, exhibitionism, being teased

45. What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever asked someone to do while sexting?

Hmm, probably cum on their own soles? Which was really fucking hot

53. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve masturbated?

Hmmm, I'm not sure if it would be the bathroom at work or outside

56. Have you ever masturbated with someone?

Yup! That's how I have sex most of the time these days, since I have difficulty getting off from penetrative sex after having started HRT.

71. Start typing out your dirtiest fantasy you can think of and don’t stop til you get so embarrassed you can’t go on any longer. Just make sure it’s actually something you’re into!

Oh gosh,,,, well, there's two people I'm thinking of. Let's call them B and K. I want to be out in public, like a park or beach area, as the two of them start to tease me and get me worked up. I'll be getting increasingly flustered in my cute little sundress as they keep teasing me, and not notice as they lead me away to a more secluded, private area. There, they'll start to feel me up, reaching under my dress to touch me, and eventually push me down on the ground. K would start to nibble and lick my neck, and okay I'm actually blushing right now I need to stop 😵‍💫

84. What’s the most embarrassing porn you like to watch?

Nothing too embarrassing given what I'm into! Most embarrassing is usually just various kinds of feet porn

96. What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve ever asked someone to do in real life?

Hmm, surprisingly I haven't asked much, so it's probably just be telling my husband to worship my feet or bite my neck. Usually I'm the one getting ordered around

99. Admit something sexual that you’ve never told anyone else before.

Hmm, okay. I think clowns makeup can be kind of hot? Not the full getup, but just the face paint. It's not a big thing for me so I'm not too embarrassed by it, but it's not something I ever found the opportunity to share before

Thanks for the questions!!!!!

[carlyraejepstein]

potentially upsetting topics: sui, gender dysphoria, abuse and parents, sex

Elliot Page’s coming out rescued an awful day. Its wording is unbelievably powerful, a comment I have made once before and will continue to do so. In it, he so strongly encompasses the fears, the sorrow, the rage, but most importantly the determination and the defiance of not only him but every trans person. I hesitate to use the word “community” because it implies a certain connection that might just not be there; I play a bit of Counter-Strike but I don’t consider myself part of the Counter-Strike community; yet when I read Elliot’s words I feel solidarity, I feel a pull to the trans community that I often don’t feel I pay my dues to, and it feels good, really good. Like I said on Twitter once, other trans people being, existing, living, is just rad. Inspiring, even, despite how that word has been worn out by cis people.

However, there’s a certain something that Elliot didn’t write, for Elliot never wrote “I am a man”; only his name, and pronouns, how he wishes to be referred to. Of course, we cannot possibly know what this omission means or does not mean to Elliot, but it’s something that concurred with a shift in how I perceive my own gender.

I remember first properly ruminating on gender in 2012 or 2013. My understanding was primitive, coming from Wikipedia. Once I knew what transgender or, given the time period, transsexual, the curiosity never really went away. I knew at this point about transition, and I knew about deed polls because of my resentment of my parents, I knew about HRT and I even knew about the GICs. I felt compelled to be an ally in that turbulent period in both my life and in the online culture I immersed myself in from around 2015 to 2017. At this time a friend was going through their own transition and seeing them gave me pause for thought; partly pride, partly worry but a small kernel of imagination, wondering if that could ever be me. It was when I went to sixth form, with its environment permitting greater yet still constrained self expression, that I felt gender dysphoria hit me with its full weight. Thinking, wondering, worrying about being transgender has been the central dialogue of my internal and external monologue ever since. Not a day passes where I don’t think about the dysphoria I feel over my continued closet-dwelling and the malignantly gendered properties of my body. On a January morning in 2019, at my very lowest point, motionless under the covers, I gave myself a choice between transition and death, and I chose transition.

It’s been a complex journey. When I was 13 I shortened my gender neutral name to make it more masc (which I have now happily embraced as my middle name). I leant into the deepening of my voice because I thought it gave me authority, conditioned through the harsh words of people from public Team Fortress 2 servers. I’ve done almost everything under the sun that gets people to say “I’d never have known!” when you come out to them; I worry that I still do and that nothing has changed. I’ve gone and cross-dressed when my parents were out, and I’ve been traumatised by Susan’s Place. I am autistic, no one who has met me can escape that fact; not that I would want to, and as a consequence I am so much more confident in my presence on the internet than I ever have been in the flesh, despite me still not knowing how to make friends; hence I’ve ended up trying to piece my transition together through 4chan (I know, bad) and Reddit and Twitter.

Perhaps the biggest reason I am not out is the time when I decided I would come out to my mother as trans. When we were in Munich we had walked past a pride parade, and when we got back to the apartment I revealed off hand that I was bi. My mother chided me for not telling them before hand since it was “polite” to do so, as if it were not my choice to make because, as I still believe to this day, it’s not a big deal and it’s none of their business. But I decided this time it was important, and that I could trust her. It turns out that just like every other time, trusting my mother is a bad idea that is guaranteed to cause me pain every time I make that mistake. She told me that because she “knows more about [me] than [I] do”, that she thought that I was just straight up wrong, couched it in rhetoric about how she thought that I was too weak to be trans, and quoted the shockingly offensive “autism is extreme male brain” theory to me. It was really devastating at the time and I think it still affects me to this day, especially as she constantly tries to worm her tendrils back into my life after I moved out.

But enough about my mother; she is a fucking flat out abuser. She has emotionally abused me, and undoubtedly my brother, all our lives. I was relieved that my dad chose not to react aggressively as she did, but with a modicum of respect and agreement not to make such a big deal out of it, something I would never expect my mother to match. In the middle of writing this piece I had to decide that I could not do it any longer, and I would never let her back into my life again.

Where that conversation in late 2018 relates to Elliot Page’s statement is my mother’s purported belief that “you don’t have to define yourself as a man or a woman”. Going past the fact that she is lying, since her tolerance for all trans people is thinner than the grey hairs on her head going on the basis that she couldn’t bring herself to say one positive thing to her own daughter that afternoon, it struck me recently that I can more eloquently describe my gender through elimination rather than a label. I am happy to call myself a woman, a trans woman, and I don’t feel as if I really am wavering in or around the binary. But what I can say for definite is that while I have been a boy for almost all my life, and am holding onto that, I am not, and never will be, a man.

Where that leaves me is that I am not a man, but must I be a woman? If I am perhaps not a woman, am I non-binary? No; it doesn’t feel right. However, if I attach just a convenience to the label woman, I can give myself that flexibility in how I feel and how I present myself, and perhaps the biggest example of that is how in recent months I have made peace with my voice. It is not really a femme voice; I hit vocal fry just speaking normally. But I know how to be expressive with it; it is my voice that I have honed over 19 years after all. One day I want to find someone who will help me upgrade my voice (and yes, upgrade) but keeping it means I fulfil one cool thing about being trans, and that is saying fuck you to the very existence of the gender binary. I keep this voice out of necessity, but I’m still trans femme, I am still a woman and I still want my facial hair zapped off.

As well, I reserve the right to say I used to be a boy. Not a man, but a boy. That’s why they call it boymoding, right? How else can I describe the first 17 years of my life? I can be a boy all the same now, although I may be pushing it aged 20, and at the point at which I am really stretching that concept which at this point I am adhering to solely for my safety and comfort, I shouldn’t need to use it anymore. Wishful thinking, of course.

I think we should consider why we use “man” and “woman” in the first place. From my perspective they are simply words to describe people with two different sets of primary and secondary sexual characteristics, convenient because, well, being cis is unavoidably common. But they are not discrete, as we so often have to reiterate using intersex people as an unwilling crutch, where one does not occur in the other they are so often analogous and often they overlap! Supposedly 60% of teenage boys develop further breast tissue, and 40% of women have some form of facial hair. Thinking that the two are discrete gives rise to the idea of “biological sex”, a concept developed by cis people either to misgender trans people in a way they think is philosophically rigorous, or to reconcile their tenuous support for trans people with a continuing belief in the gender binary. Personally I would like to smash the concept of biological sex to bits because it is not useful to us. At the very least it may describe one’s primary sexual characteristics but bottom surgery exists, and I don’t happen to think that it is “mutilation”. I don’t need to argue that “biological sex can be changed”; they are not discrete categories, and I don’t need to move between them, or seek validation for having moved between them. It is not a helpful generalisation for bodies, diverse as they are.

I must add that as a trans woman the fact that I may have a penis doesn’t mean that I use it in the same way as a man. I use mine to pee, primarily, and it’s definitely not going inside anyone except myself any time soon; a whole zine was written about how trans women fuck and use their bits to fuck, so I definitely don’t need to anyway.

Another bullshit concept is “biological destiny” or “biological reality”, although I will give less breath to this one because at it’s core it is fundamentally misogynistic, and it so often is divorced from any sensible definition of reality. It’s like if I had to have my arm amputated and then someone came up to me and said “you’ll always have two arms, you were born with them and you’ll die with them”.

I’ve heard and thought a lot about gender abolition but it seems to me that its proponents expect that like the state, gendered differences will just disappear over time. But I don’t want that to happen. If the binary is done away with I don’t want gender to disappear I want it to flourish! Because gender is beautiful, men are beautiful, women are beautiful, and everyone in between or outwith are beautiful. On the other hand, me and you don’t need to be men, or women, or call ourselves non-binary to be beautiful. Being trans is about cultivating your own beauty and your own identity. When cissiety demands that the only identity and presentation we’re allowed is one that corresponds to what they decided was between our legs when we were born, why give ourselves only one other choice?

I don’t really know how to end this piece because I wrote one half of it one day and the other half a couple of weeks later. At the very least I’m glad I can attribute my peace with not necessarily being a woman but a femme to Elliot Page, and not my rotten bastard mother.

[trans-i-am]

Interview with Jake -

Interview with a trans man who had taken hormone blockers

Warning: There may be anatomical terms used that some readers may be uncomfortable with. I did not edit any answers I received.

There is often a lot of discussion surrounding hormone blockers and what they do for those who take them. They are controversial, but often debates about them lack personal accounts and firsthand experiences. We can research and analyze information online to form our opinions, but we can often learn more from a conversation with someone who has taken them. I recently had the opportunity to speak with an individual about their experience with taking blockers before beginning Testosterone. His name is Jake. I wanted to get a look into the firsthand experience he had being on blockers and how he was affected by them.

Q: When did you realize you were trans?

Jake: I realized I was trans in middle school. I came out to as many people as possible almost as soon as I realized. I wanted to start making changes to my identity asap haha.

Q: How did your parents respond?

Jake: My parents were wonderfully accepting. They have supported me through everything and have always raised me with an accepting love. I'm very grateful for it.

Q: When and why did you make the decision to take blockers?

Jake: I learned about hrt in the early stages of my transition, but it was against my insurance company's policy (kaiser) until I was 16. They told me the policy was pretty standard everywhere in Colorado. This was in 2010 and things have definitely changed which I'm very glad about. It felt so awful to have to wait that long as a young adolescent.

Q: Was it easy to find a doctor to prescribe them?

Jake: The endocrinologist I visited suggested I take blockers until I was old enough for testosterone. I definitely agreed because he said it would stop my period and breast development and any further puberty advancements. I was already pretty far into puberty at that point. I started my period when I was 11.

Q: What did you take and how often?

Jake: My endocrinologist, who I was referred to through my insurance, prescribed me Lupron. I don't remember the exact numbers but it was a shot in my lower back every month or so. My mom is a nurse and she administered the shot to me every time. It wasn't a very painful shot. The worst part was that it came in a syringe that you had to mix up. And that created some bubbles or something that felt a little strange going into my body haha. It was a very mild pain that went away the next day. Less soreness after than a flu shot. They were great.

Q: Did you feel any differently on them (positive or negative)?

Jake: I don't think there were any side effects. Everything that happened to me seemed like an intended effect. I belive sometimes Dr's prescribe blockers before starting T anyway because it takes a while to get the T built up in your system enough for your body to stop producing estrogen. The blockers make that transition a little smoother Id imagine. They didn't affect my mental health in any negative way.

Q: Would you recommend it to others?

Jake: I would recommend it 🙂.

I had asked if any of my followers if they had any additional questions, here are a few I had received:

“I’m 14 is it too late for puberty blockers? Or should I try to get hormones?”

Jake: Not at all. From my experience, puberty lasts well into your 20s. The rapid development that has the most changes with any hormones coming into your system happens early on. It could possibly affect you later on starting T because you would be going through voice cracks and emotional swings at the beginning of hrt no matter what age you start at. So if you want to keep at a similar pace with peers of your age, you may want to just start T if you can. But who cares about that? There's no one right way to do it, and you should start T at any point in your life that you want. It all smooths out as you age.

“I’ve heard that mtf kids will have problems later getting bottom surgery because they don’t get the size growth. Is that anything like being ftm? Like will I lose length starting blockers or will I get more length? ( if you don’t wanna answer that’s ok!)”

Jake: I don't know much, if anything about bottom surgery. I'd say the blockers didn't affect anything. The T made my clit grow 🙂 it's about an inch now maybe.

“Will people that get hormones always avoid needing top surgery? Or at least only need keyhole?”

Jake: I imagine if you start hormones before any breast develop then I guess so? But blockers don't deteriorate that tissue. It just doesn't grow much. I got top surgery when I was 18 and it wasn't a keyhole procedure. I wore binders for years.

Stigma often surrounds the decision to take hormone blockers as puberty is often viewed as a very vulnerable time in a child’s life where small decisions can have major consequences, but often we fail to remind ourselves and each other that these are still people who are capable of making informed decisions about their lives and these decisions are not made on a whim. Perhaps we can take a step back to remember that there are many circumstances in life and we often create stereotypes about people that can be very counterproductive. Many people have an idea about what it looks like to be a person that takes hormone blockers, what kind of person takes them, and what circumstances lead to a person taking them. We can often find ourselves looking at outliers as a common occurrence. Many assume that hormone blockers are taken the moment that a child enters puberty, that these decisions are made without individualizations for the client, and are made solely by the parents without education of the child in question. The goal of my interview is to remind our community that we are talking about real people and not just theoretical children. They deserve our respect, support, and understanding.

I want to thank Jake for allowing me to interview him about his experience. If you’d like to get ahold of him about his experience, his Twitter is:

https://twitter.com/KittyFeles

[bisexualamy]

i'm a trans dude and i'm having so much trouble deciding if i want to go on t. i have really good health insurance atm and my family is reasonably supportive, so none of that would be a problem... but i just can't decide if i want to. i'm obsessed with reading about other people's transitions and it makes me want to go on t myself, but i also feel like i want some of the changes but not others, which i know is impossible. i'm also absolutely terrified of needles. it's really messing with me

(trans guy anon who is unsure about t) another thing that’s really messing with me is that i have a TON of chest dysphoria, so i definitely feel like i want top surgery somewhere down the line. and i know a lot surgeons won’t do top surgery unless you’re on t, which makes me want t more. but i also feel like part of why i want t is just so i can get top surgery instead of really wanting t.

So I can’t tell you if you should go on T, but I do have a few thoughts for you to consider, which can hopefully make this easier.

Firstly, it’s possible for you to be hesitant about some of the changes now, and not when they actually happen. For me, my quintessential example is my beard. I was REALLY against the idea of having facial hair until I actually started growing it. Because of this nervousness about some of the changes, my nurse practitioner put me on a more androgenizing dose to start, since I knew I wanted to masculinize in some way. That way, I had a bit of time to get used to the idea of being on hormones and experience some of the early changes, before then deciding if I wanted to up my dose, stay where I was, or go off hormones completely. This could be a good option for you to consider.

I used to also be deathly terrified of needles. Mine subsided enough when I realized how badly I needed T for my mental health to be okay, but I was still super scared when they first injected me. The thing that really eased my mind was that I can’t feel my subcu injections at all when they’re done properly. Knowing that there would be little to no pain calmed me down a lot. Also, many clinics will let you come and have a nurse do your shots for you up until you’re comfortable, especially if you have insurance. This is a clinic-by-clinic thing, but I’d see if that’s an option at your clinic. My nurse and I incrementally got me more comfortable. One week I’d hold the needle as she injected me, one week I’d do all the prep (draw the hormones into the syringe, clean the area, etc) without actually injecting myself, and so forth. This built me up slowly enough that I was comfortable doing it. 

You can also look into topical testosterone, like androgel. These are testosterone creams that require no injection. Contrary to popular belief, they’re not less effective than injectable testosterone. The disadvantage for some, however, is that applying androgel takes a while to apply (about a half hour so you can let it soak into your skin, and then you shower it off), and it’s less likely to be covered by insurance. But if you’re this scared of needles, I think it’s worth looking into.

Also, I would look into the surgeons you’re comfortable with for top surgery before deciding if they’ll operate on you. A little over a year ago I was doing that research for myself (I had surgery last July) and it was a 50/50 shot whether the surgeons cared if you were on T or not. They were much more concerned about whether or not you were healthy enough to be operated on, regardless of your stage of transition. I would look into the surgeons you want and talk to them about if this will be an issue. Many surgeons have free or low cost consultations, and most don’t mind if you call their office with a question or two (although you’ll probably get a nurse of PA and not the actual surgeon, but they all tend to have the same info).

The people who do tend to care about T, however, are your insurance. Your insurance is much less likely to cover your top surgery if you haven’t been on T for a least a year (in the United States, which it sounds like you’re from?). You can fudge that number a little bit (I got surgery at 11mo on T and my surgery was covered by insurance), but the reason they do that is because for them it like, shows your “commitment to your new gender identity” and like, acts as proof for them that this isn’t just a cosmetic operation. Obviously, that’s not based in everyone’s reality, there are many trans people (like you, it sounds) who care much more about top surgery than T, but insurance in the US is not great and so this is how they make their cutoff. When/if you call a surgeon’s office, that’s another question for them. Then it’s a matter for you of if you’re able or willing to pay out of pocket.

Honestly, HRT is a big life decision and if you don’t know if you want it, it’s good to do what you’re doing and really take the time to think about it. From my experience, and from the experiences of the trans people I know and have spoken with (which isn’t a huge sample size, so take this with a grain of salt), most of us were hesitant in some way before we started HRT. Making any permanent life decision is going to make you nervous. I waited for months for top surgery, had a countdown to it for six months, only to almost call the whole thing off the night before because I was nervous. Being nervous is not inherently a sign of this being the wrong choice. What you need to figure out is whether you’re nervous because this is a big choice, or because this isn’t actually something you want. 

It’s very cliché, but the “if you were dropped of a deserted island, would you still want this?” thing actually worked for me. As soon as I realized that I’d still want to transition even if no one could see me, because I within myself felt wrong, that’s when I knew that I was nervous because of the big change. When I started conceding my fear of needles, when I sat on hold with my city’s sole medical provider for hours, when I canceled my plane ticket so I could take an 8hr bus back to Pittsburgh 3 weeks earlier just to get my prescription, these actions showed me I wanted T more than my emotions, because after all of that I was still nervous. Obviously, these examples are unique to my experience, but they’re examples of things you can look for to figure this out on your own. And, if you don’t want HRT right now, that’s okay! If you don’t want it at all, that’s fine too! Like I said, there are absolutely surgeons that will operate on you without T. There are surgeons that do top surgery for nb people who never intend to transition beyond surgery.

If you have any more questions about this or any other transition stuff, please send me another ask! Hope this helped.

[transgalthoughts]

Okay my self pity is genuinely limitless rn idk if I should try and change that or not I feel like I'm doing the like

Because I used to be so self critical I'm like WOW YEAH THIS IS AN IMPROVEMENT but it's actually like

Way too far

But like I just urgh

We got onto the subject of like kinks and stuff and someone asked me the kinkiest thing I've done so I was like nah I'm good thanks and then I got pressured into saying it and I was fine with that and then Samiyah was like *wow can't believe you got someone to do that* and like I just didn't know how to respond but how I should have responded is *I hate how people talk about sex and particularly kinks as if they are something a guy coaxes an unwilling girl into doing, she was like an enthusiastic participant in it, I can't remember who suggested that particular thing but she suggested and we tried variations upon it and she was the one who suggested us both just like coming up with random stuff to try to experiment with what we like* and it just

Pisses me off like

So

Fucking

Much

That even in consensual sex between willing participants in a long term relationship I will somehow still be painted as a gross guy pressuring girls into doing things I just absolutely detest it

Like genuinely if I can't pass there is absolutely no way I am ever engaging in any form of romantic or sexual activity with a girl ever again because in literally every single possible imaginable scenario I can somehow be represented as this gross PoS whether because I don't try something kinky they wanna try so I'm a prick who only cares about my pleasure

I try that thing so I'm a cunt who probably pressured her into that

I don't put effort into the relationship so I'm an arsehole who isn't bothering to make them feel happy

I put lots of effort into the relationship so I'm overbearing

And that's assuming someone doesn't use me to fulfill a fucking abuse fantasy

I am just so utterly and completely done with it

Like

I know I'm not gonna have biological children and that's not for any lofty ideals or so people don't know I'm trans or even because of the practical issues

It's cos you can't sex select biological children and I cannot take the risk of having a male child because I don't know how to teach someone to value anything other than kindness and love (and like those are the only things I think should be valued both in terms of exhibiting and experiencing them and how tf am I meant to teach someone to value stuff I don't value and don't think needs to be valued)

And existence is just not fucking worth it as a guy in this society if that's what you value

Like I have a lot of fucking bones to pick with my parents but ultimately like them being "good parents" up til like me being 10 is what fucked me up the most because at that time they taught me that those were the only things that mattered and I think they are probably right about that

But if you're a guy in this society then

Society very very much disagrees and will make your life an absolute living hell for existing that way

And I can't bear the idea of subjecting my future kids to that same thing and what if they don't go through as much shit as me and don't ever get out of that coping mechanism circle

It took so so much for me to finally decide to transition I mean the clincher was the realisation that I had tried every possible variation on being a guy and every single one of them was worse than being dead so what's the worst that can happen from transitioning? It's just my final option before suicide if it ends up being worse I haven't lost anything cos in the days before HRT I'd be dead already so all of this is just like extra time

But even then I am just

So fucking bitter about the fact that my life will always be immeasurably worse than it would have been if I'd like just been a cis girl and I cannot get away from that

I am gonna have to spend the rest of my life consciously altering my voice

My body is always gonna be gross and angular

I'm obviously gonna be so much less attractive than I would have been if I had have been born without a y chromosome

I'm gonna have to like dilate my vagina

I'm gonna have to defend my right to exist to every single person I meet or fabricate elaborate lies about my life and deliberately drop anyone I am close to atm

And it just isn't fucking fair

Why does half the population get to be born with the sum total of all the aspirations I have in the world

Idgaf what job I get beyond how it pays for surgery and how easy it will be to pass/be accepted within that job

How the fuck am I meant to care about anything other than transitioning when how it goes is the sole determinant of whether my existence will continue or not

And that just

Isn't a thing for literally anyone else

I'm stuck in the past crying about how I will never have a childhood or teenage years that I can look back on

I don't even mean I can't look back on them fondly loads of people have a shit childhood but at least they can grow from it and learn big life lessons

But I can't because as soon as I transition the rules will change

Who I was when I was 8 and extensively bullied for being feminine and introverted, genuinely introverted not just socially awkward, is something I have had to unlearn my entire fucking life up until this point just to survive and once I transition the rules will switch and I can just go back to that core but with more emotional maturity

My growth has been backwards and not in a *I'm suddenly realising this now* way, in a *I knew all along it was an adaptation to socialising as a guy and now I gotta revert*

And that would be my fucking son if I ever have one

But what if they aren't already depressed before puberty starts, and so their first proper crush works out and they successfully live vicariously through their partner until they're like 25 and then they break up because the partner realises how much more is available to them because what girl wouldn't want to experience being pursued I mean it is literally the best feeling in the world and is available limitlessly to every cis girl with 0 effort

And then they will end up exactly where I was at 18

Feeling fucking stranded as they slowly realise that their entire life was based upon living vicariously through their girlfriend and there is nothing left for them anymore, if it had been so much longer then would they then try transitioning or just be overwhelmed and unable to stomach 4 years of abject misery in order to maybe eventually be happy bit probably not because they are probably not gonna be able to pass

I honestly think the only way to raise a guy and for them to even have a chance at a semi decent life is to teach them to be a bit of a cunt because society will punish anything else.

[nepsah]

i would strongly suggest looking online to see if there are any hrt resources specific to your area if you haven’t already- i’m not sure where you’re from anon so my input here may not be all that helpful but, i do have PCOS and i was on low-dose T before

ideally whoever you get your T from will be knowledgeable in trans healthcare... but there is a significant number of trans mascs that do have PCOS. i don’t think its really all that uncommon for us? there aren’t really official studies on that last i looked into it but it’s really not that unusual based on personal experience w/other trans mascs + talking to my dr.

when i got my prescription i just told my dr (who is an OBGYN that specializes in trans healthcare) that i wanted to start on a low dose to start in order to control how fast my hormone transition went and that’s pretty much all i had to specify w/that.

all they wanted to do was the standard tests to ensure nothing negative was happening due to my being on T that any trans person taking T would get. (one of the nurses did forget i was on a lower dose though and asked me about it - i just had to remind them that i was taking half the usual dose for hrt and there were no issues)

also, in my opinion, you do not need to disclose that you’re genderfluid unless you feel its necessary to do so. i’m not a binary trans man, and i did not need to disclose that to my doctor - but that’s mostly bc i use he/him pronouns solely and i’m not really invested in what other ppl assume abt my binary status.

anyways- if you’re in the UT area i will happily recommend said dr to you if you want to DM me for it

Hi, I was wondering if you happened to have any resources on taking low-dose testosterone with PCOS. I'm concerned about facing resistance from doctors because 1. I already have a disorder affecting sex hormones and they may be hesitant to prescribe hrt for that reason and 2. I'm genderfluid, and I'm concerned about facing nb-phobia because I'm not a trans man all the time, and thus I don't want full dose t because I want to be more androgynous than masculine. I'm worried they might not take me seriously, and I'm not very good at advocating for myself in a medical setting. I wanted to ask if you had advice or resources on how to find an nb-friendly endocrinologist, and also how to make doctors take me seriously if I have issues.

Also also, if you have any first-hand accounts from trans people who have PCOS and went on testosterone, that would be really cool! I'm struggling to find much on it that isn't stuff like "why transitioning with PCOS is bad". Like, ik my endocrine system is messed up! I'm willing to take the hit if it makes me feel better in my own body.

I don't have PCOS and haven't looked into it much, but I know a lot of trans folks who do! I'll throw this at some of them and hopefully folks can add some info and experiences in the notes.

[devsdawn]

further down the road

I feel like any blog or journal I’ve ever had has a significant amount of posts or entries that begin with some sort of reference to the concept that I don’t write in them/post to them nearly as much as I would like to/intended to.

I also feel like I use the construction “I feel like...” a lot.

At this point, I’m 2.5 months into HRT, which consists of solely taking estrogen in pill form, without t-blockers.  The first four to six weeks left me feeling fairly disappointed, as not only was I not feeling as much as I would have hoped or expected... I wasn’t feeling ANYTHING.  After speaking with my therapist, it turns out the the dosage I was started on was EXTREMELY low, even by the most conservative standards, most especially considering I wasn’t utilizing t-blockers.  I was started on 2mg a day, and according to my therapist, a more standard starting dosage for someone in my position he would have estimated to be closer to 4-6mg per day.  Of course I wasn’t feeling anything.  Pissing in the ocean.

I messaged my doctor through the nifty online portal thingy to let her know that although I had an upcoming appointment, I also needed to go in to get my prescription refilled, and I was hoping she could up my dosage based on some personal research I had been doing and the the fact that I wasn’t feeling any sort of difference or effect.  

Fortunately, she obliged, and pushed my appointment out a month or two further down the road, which was ALSO helpful because over the course of this period, I ALSO learned that my insurance is NOT helping me out nearly as much as I was hoping they would, and every time I go in to see this doctor that doesn’t really know what she’s doing and is handling my case like she worried she’s going to break me, it costs me about 500-700 out of pocket. 

I’m still trying to figure out how to handle that, how exactly to work that out.  Maybe next time I go in, I’ll see about what the absolute least I could possibly go in would be, and discuss the fact that I can’t sustain those kind of medical bills, and that I might need to find another solution if there’s no way around it.

At the end of the day, at least at this point in time, I’m happy with my dosage and I don’t have any concerns of any kind, so if she’s happy to “be my doctor,” but that her only duties therein would be refilling my prescription every few months, that we can rock it like that, no problem.  This seemed like a cool solution because she was going to serve as my primary care and kind of just become my all around doctor, but there’s no way I’m gonna go in to see this bitch every time my throat hurts at 500 per visit.

I keep mentally checking in with myself, and of course, those that know what I’m going through keep asking how I’m feeling.

“Great!” I tell them, and I mean it.  But I can’t really talk about specifically why.  It’s a general sense of ease and clarity that I can’t really pin down and, frankly, can’t specifically attribute to the estrogen itself, either.  But I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t think that’s really the point, and I don’t think that really matters.  It’s more about this new space that I’ve created by deciding to embark on this journey, and by following through with my decision.  There’s this new safe space, this new home, that I’ve created for myself that collects all the thoughts and moments that have to do with self-love, self-actualization, self-identification, self-expression... just all the good, warm SELF stuff... that all kind of ends up getting tied to or at least abstractly related to and synonymous with gender and gender exploration in my spirit.

I can say that I feel a new sense of relief.  I can say that I am seeing with a new clarity.  I can say that what used to feel like fighting a battle uphill, or with my hands tied behind my back, or hindered in some way, now feels more levelled out.  I now feel unencumbered by a sloggy haze that used to get in the way of how I was perceiving and navigating life.

Whether this is specifically, physiologically effect of the estrogen, I don’t know, and like I said, truly believe doesn’t matter to me.  What’s important, what I’m thankful for, is the fact that I found this thing that is helping me continue to find and BE the truest version of myself that I can possibly be, and of course, in that, it will all become a cascading, domino effect of this changing that, and so on.

I know that I’m familiar with the feeling of “I’m not getting enough, this isn’t making a difference.”  Now I don’t feel that way.  I feel like I don’t want MORE, either.  I feel like I don’t know where this is going to ultimately lead me, but that uncertainty doesn’t even for a minute make me wanna stop or slow down.

My nipples have starting hurting, and I can feel the buds of breast development starting.  I wouldn’t say it’s noticeable at this point, but it has got me thinking about how I feel about breast development, and again I say, I don’t really know.  I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know where it’s going to lead.... I’d say if it was just me myself and I, and I was only considering my own, internal thoughts and feelings about it, it wouldn’t bother me.  I might even be a little excited about it, I’m not sure.  Any hesitation or trepidation I feel about it is directly tied to the anxiety surrounding what other people are going to think, are people going to notice, how am I going to navigate and explain to people, etc.

But again, any anxiety or hesitation I feel is not enough to make me want to stop.

So here we go.  Further down the road.

[reginaidiotarum]

A GIRL

I see how silly it was for me to title my last piece, “A Girl In A Boy’s Bod,” It was always just *my* body. It was a piece I wrote in distress at coming to my mother in distress and having that turn in on me. Having the conversation yanked right out from underneath me and the desperation of just being a voice in pain. It has been a full ten years now, since I wrote that, and I still have not read it since that night. It is too painful for me.

I have come a long way since that night. My world torn from underneath my feet. It was as though reality had slipped away. I knew it was pain. Terrible pain, but I never knew the course, just the correlation with certain things. I had said three words, and that was that. How dangerous the notion? I felt considerable pain all the time, a deep, psychological pain that were *as* intense as one of those medieval torture devices could muster. And I knew what lessened that pressure, and I knew what intensified it.

But this what never the argument people wanted to hear. This was an affront to their world view. They were blinded by faith and lost all semblance of reality. They would make fun of me, stand in my way, question if I was insane. All sympathy was lost in a clinical language and I languished in pain for years waiting for people to care enough about me to understand why I had tossed my life away with three words.

Prove to me you are not mad they said. How can I prove a negative? It makes no goddamn sense.

But I tried.

Here are my results:

First, I needed to study philosophy. If I have to answer an impossible question, I might as well understand the science of asking questions.  Dan McCullough's “Out of the Cave” is my primary source for this stuff. He’s an amazing teacher and he distilled the arguments from many philosophical debates. Well, I came away from that knowing that using Synthetic *A Priori* (Assuming things) probably won’t get you very far to understanding something. Basically what I already knew, you can’t prove a negative.

But, what if you could?

Douglas Hofstadter wrote an amazing book about knowledge and understanding. He does this by analyzing human thought looking for all the little bugs. The mistakes we make, and understanding the code of the brain like that how you can watch that buggy Pokemon TAS to get a better understanding of how Nintendo games were made. His examples are MC Escher, famous for subverting the illusion of art to confuse human identification process, Bach, notable for playing with Shepard Tones and key stacks to leave different audio impressions.

(I tried to hear it myself, but I fear my partial childhood deafness left me with the inability to process music psychologically. I can hear it, but I am musically illiterate. But, I understood it through the descriptions of others. I looked at the patterns on the screen to see if I could understand it like that, but they just looked like mountains and valleys to me.

Kōsei Arima from Your Lie In April is a pretty good example of how I feel when trying to understand music, though his illiteracy is as a result of strong abuse associated with the process leading to pain whereas I just kinda hear key changes like they are blurry and indistinct.)

And Kurt Godel, who demolished the Principalia Mathematica by creating a little program using the logic therein to call for logic not contained inside.

Hofstadter uses these subjects to make a guess about human thought process so we can make artificial intelligences. He comes to the conclusion that knowledge is gained precisely by trying to assert a negative. He told the story about how all the mathematicians were super afraid of of testing Euclid’s Parallel Postulate and just kinda assumed there was proof of it. Like, two lines that are not parallel have to intersect somewhere, right? If it didn’t the entire system would fall apart.

Lewis Carrol, another influence of Hofstadter, dreams of a world of madness without this fifth postulate. In his ignorance of never trying Carrol’s imagination got the better of him. But, in the end, it was just hyperbola.

Two lines that never intersect, right there. A Hyperbola. Heck, it might even be one line, a parabola. Non-Euclidean isn’t nearly as scary as Lovecraft painted it out to be. In my experience treading into the unknown never reveals horrors, but the woefully mundane.

Assume you are wrong, and try yourself. It’s amazing. I had a lot of help trying my ideas against the nice people over at /r/GenderCritical. They were motivated by a fear of me that made them react to me with extreme rigor. I figured I’d entertain their debates long enough to feel them slip past the point of rationality or good faith, and give up. Here was the evidence I complied during this time.

If there is a heuristic approach to the universe, it’s science. Never assuming what is real, merely testing things, and recording the results. The scientists never sound confident, but when has confidence ever been a sign of wisdom? See, the scientists observe something. And, then they seek to understand it. They have a very pragmatic approach. They take a list of ideas as to what might be going on, and then arrange them based on what they have come up with as the most likely scenarios, and then they see if they can devise a test that they could iterate through to the point where it’d be improbable not to do.

Heck, sometimes you come up with a theory that can have a positive aspect to it. Zhou had a theory that “transsexuals” (Kind of an ugly word, makes it seem like we are motivated by sex), were experiencing a hormonal condition and neural biology. Early dissections of men’s brains and women’s brains showed slight differences. Things like longer dendrites on certain cells. The amount of neurons was fixed, but the structure of them was different. Zhou had decided to test various trans people, and he found that trans people had the structure of their gender identity, at least in some cases. Some people claimed that HRT spoiled the pot, so there have been experiments since then that have controlled for that.

“But that’s one person.” I only need one positive example to assert that it the possibility is true. And with the the GCers couldn’t touch me anymore, and they would have to deny empirical evidence itself. The continuity of the universe to continue arguing this point.

Well, I have an experiment that I could run. Well, it was not a good one because it would involve cutting open my head.

Maybe if I understood how this whole “brain” thing worked, I could see if I could find yet another test. So I studied neural networks. Mathematical simulations based on the neurons in the head.

So, we have known about the structure of the neuron for a while. Observed it under microscopes. We found that each neuron was structured in the same way. A bunch of fingers on one side, a pool in the middle, and a long tube on the other, sometimes with fat between them. (The layer of fat, an insulator layer, works like capacitors and allows the transfer of electrons through the space to shift the saline in the next segment of the cell into the next “drum” of fatty tissues. Makes for lightning fast transfer speed on those cabling neurons or input neurons)

They basically take data from the previous batch of cells, or in the case of certain cells, chemicals nearby. Convert that data into sodium or chlorine using pumps, and create a voltage level using the PH of the cell as a battery. These trigger a feedback function with another set of pumps to decimate the voltage and bring it to a normalized output for the next set of cells. Genius eh?

They use feedback loops, and the fingers, the dendrites, grow or shrink based on various forms of chemicals in the brain. Zhou’s work seemed to imply the the dendrites of these BSTc cells got seeded to their position during the third trimester of pregnancy, and laid dormant until puberty shifted them.

One neuron can provide the logic for AND, OR, NOT, ADD, SUBTRACT due to the pumps used. Two layers of neurons can give you an XOR, and after layers and layers of these, you have a heuristic sort program that can basically process any data.

So, we know there are cells there, and the are permanently affixed to one position. No amount of meditation or forced feedback can make those little suckers grow to my body, and I fear disrupting the processes of the neural network to try a hard-reset on them. It seems that my hormone levels are being reported in my brain through these cells, and the experience is pain.

Eureka, I had it.

I just needed to test it for myself.

This is where I’m going to say I engaged in a bit of mad science. I know how dangerous it is, but I’m dealing with finitude here, and if this is my one life, I’m going to make the best of it. I decided to see if changing my hormones took my pain away.

I also knew what the results of HRT would do to me, and so I asked for a new name and adopted pronouns of my new hormone levels. I knew not long into my treatment, significant changes would occur.

I could do it by taking a common diuretic that could suppress my natural testosterone count, and appending my estrogen levels with estridiol, a hormone already in use by many post-menopausal women and women taking birth control. Neither are radical or hard to get drugs. Neither are kept in pharmacies purely for my sole benefit to say the least.

I hunted around and selected my doctors. I didn’t want gatekeepers for this experiment, I wanted enablers. I knew that if my problem wasn’t hormonal, I’d have 6 months to cease treatment before any changes had occurred.

I didn’t last a week on the the treatment until I called it an amazing success. You know that video of the color blind guy wearing glasses that allow him to see color for the first time? It was like that for me for everything.

My pain was gone, and for the first time, I felt like I could see the world for how beautiful it was.

It was true then. I have been a girl this entire time. But, what did it all mean?

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

My parents are split but we're (me and mom, who I live with) still under my dad's insurance. He changed it without telling us and now only a very limited list of therapists are covered. I can't find any information on whether they're trans friendly but I'm feeling really dysphoric and want to talk to someone, esp since I'm closeted. Suggestions?

Lee says:

You most likely need your parents’ consent to see a therapist, but that depends on your age and the laws where you live. Here’s a website with information about that. 

You don’t have to tell your parents that you want therapy because of any trans-related thing if you think they wouldn’t accept that reason. Telling your parents you struggle with mental illness is likely true and can help convince them to get you a therapist.

Here’s How to Find a Therapist When Your Parents Won’t Help. You could try googling “LGBT friendly therapist [your town/region]” or “affordable therapy [your town/region].” 

Another method of finding a therapist is bringing it up the next time you see your primary care doctor if that’s soon or you’re able to get an appointment to see them, as they can sometimes refer you to other professionals. It seems like you did this already, but you can also try calling the number on the back of your insurance card, if you have access to it, and seeing if they have a list of therapists. 

Since you have a list of the therapists your insurance will cover, you can try emailing them or calling them and asking if they’re trans-friendly, or just make a first appointment with one of them and ask then. If they don’t respond positively, just tell your parents you don’t think they’d be a good match for you and you’d like to try a different therapist. You don’t always find The One (haha) on the first try; sometimes you have to see a few of them until you find someone you’re comfortable with.

General info:

Types of mental health professionals

A Beginner’s Guide to Starting Therapy

What is psychotherapy?

Black mental health resources 

5 mental health podcasts by therapists of color

22 Messages for People Who Think They ‘Don’t Deserve’ Therapy

29 Things No One Ever Tells You About Being In Therapy

Gender therapy:

Telling a therapist you’re trans

Do you need a gender therapist to start hormones?

Do I need a gender therapist to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria?

Questions a gender therapist might ask

How do I find a gender therapist?

Ask a gender therapist youtube channel

Choosing a therapist (outdated language)

Trans-friendly therapists

Pride Counseling

Note that any therapist can call themselves a gender therapist if they want to- they don’t have to have gone through any specific training or get any additional degree to claim that title. 

Some people find gender therapists helpful since they may be able to help you work out your identity, but other people find they’re not as up-to-date or as “woke” as they would have hoped. If you have a therapist who isn’t supportive of you in the way you need them to be, stop seeing them and look for another therapist! It’s okay to “therapist shop”.

Getting letters for hormones/surgery:

Any therapist can write a letter for you to start hormones, you just need a therapist who is willing to do it. You aren’t limited to a so-called gender therapist for that.

You should be direct about what you want when you contact a therapist- say something like “My primary goal in my sessions with you is getting a letter to start HRT/get surgery. Here is the relevant portion from the WPATH-SOC on writing the letter. How long will it be/how many sessions do you think it’ll take before you’re comfortable writing this letter for me?” (This only applies to folks who are solely looking for letters)

You can see an example of what a letter for hormones or surgery looks like here, and you can show them that and the WPATH-SOC which has information for providers on writing the letter. It might help to email them the link and also print out the relevant sections to bring with you.

Getting a therapist:

This post on picking a therapist has some great tips.

Getting a Therapist - a brief step-by-step

Psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or counsellor?

Need to find a therapist by location? Psychologytoday lets you search by city or zip code

http://finder.psychiatry.org/

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue.

What to Do When You Can’t Afford Therapy

Here’s What To Do If You Can’t Afford Therapy

Affordable therapy by state

Therapist shopping

How to Find a Therapist

A Beginner’s Guide To Starting Therapy

What to ask when transitioning to being in college

6 Tips for Marginalized People Looking for a Good Therapist

How to Find an LGBTQIA-Inclusive Therapist

How To Find The RIGHT Therapist For You (And Make It Work!)

How To Find A Therapist Who Understands Oppression And Intersectionality

So You Need a Therapist Who Identifies As (And Specializes In) Disabled, LGBTQ+, POC, or Religious Minority

Why I Needed to See a Queer Therapist (And How You Can Find One, Too)

5 Tips to Help You Find the Right Therapist for You

10 things to ask a potential therapist

Ask These 5 Questions Before Choosing a Therapist

If you can’t access therapy

Therapy options for low-income individuals

7 things to do during your first therapy appointment

Once you have a therapist:

10 things i wish clients knew before starting therapy

Therapy goals

About the therapy session

What should happen in a session

Here is a video Demonstrating what a first therapy session may look like made by a mental health professional

5 Tips on how to talk about yourself in therapy

How to broach a difficult subject in therapy

How to tell a therapist almost anything

21 Tips for getting the most out of each therapy session

6 Ways to open up to your therapist

Communicating with your health provider

Here’s How You Can Get the Most Out of Therapy

Here’s How You Can Get the Most Out of Therapy (Part 2!)

50 Signs of Good Therapy

Having issues with therapy? Here are 50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy

If followers have experience with gender therapy or gender therapists then feel free to reblog or comment with your info or experiences!