#the whole point of transitioning is to finally feel like yourself and do what feels good and authentic

[castielfucks]

theres actually no rules to transitioning and youre allowed to want contradictory things for your transition. it's fine if you only want some of the changes that come with hrt and take preventative measures for the rest (like wanting bottom growth but not body hair or vice versa). you can want to have vagina AND a dick. you can be a woman and want top surgery, or wear a packer. you can be a man and want to have a pussy. you can change your transition goals one or a million times or not have any goals at all and just take things as they come or as they feel right.

there are no rules.

[daisys-reality]

── 🥝ꜞ˖ ꒰ 𝙿𝙰𝙲: Connecting with your desired reality ꒱

⌇ reality shifting themed tarot reading | general disclaimers apply | masterlist

𝙿𝙸𝙻𝙴 𝙾𝙽𝙴 🥥

Trusting that that’s exactly where you need to be right now. Doing things that make you feel wholesome. Feeling connections with your precious people. Feeling emotions in regards to your connections with your DR people (love, empathy, hate, excitement, sadness, anger…). Your bonds with those people create a strong foundation. Meditating about being in your DR to feel inner peace - to feel at home (do it regularly - maybe even daily, not to shift, just for the sake of feeling at home and basking in the connection with your DR until it becomes second nature). Practice feeling gratitude (for your connections, for your DR, for all the opportunities given to you) and let this feeling wash through your whole body. Practice experiencing your DR through your senses - revel through beauty (aesthetics), art (moodboards), music (playlists, ambience videos), scents and sensuality (imagining the feeling of your DR clothes or the things around you or imaginary acts of love-dovey stuff lol). Make it a sweet experience (imagine tasting the food in your DR you’ve been dying to try, kissing your lover which you longed for for so long, speaking gently words to the people dear to you heart and imagine seeing them smile fondly at you) - involve your emotions or focus on how these things make you feel - don’t force it, just observe and acknowledge. Your deep emotions are your strong point. 

Don’t focus too much on the “finally getting there” part - for you this is not just a magical quick transition because it already started with your first shifting attempt, it all is a part of you transitioning - you need to focus more so on the slowly merging of yourself and this world - acknowledge the transitions and feel it intensely - in order to do so you must be fully present and ‘awake’ in the sense of you actively recognizing what you’re doing with no expectations or rules about what “should be”. You don’t need anyone's approval. Instead, just be unconditionally in awe of what this life is offering/presenting to you. Beauty is everywhere and you have the natural ability to see it. Devote yourself to it (seeing it). It will increase your mood, your energy and your ability to connect with what you desire.

Learning to rely on faith is a major thing in all kinds of spiritual practices. Letting loose and putting trust in yourself/the universe etc. Acknowledge personal fears and issues, finding out where they’re coming from and learning how to deal with them. Healing parts of yourself with patience, love and devotion. Devotion to yourself and your happiness. There is no need to rush. Time is irrelevant. Connect the mundane everyday life with the otherworld. Make your human life magical. You have a knack for it. 

If you are struggling with the “trusting” part and are more so the type to be a ‘control freak’ maybe try to switch your perception of things, like this for example: “Change is coming whether you like it or not. You may be feeling like things are out of your control, maybe they are. You will be forced to shift, you will be forced to be in your DR - fight against or accept it”.

Also, maybe do not try to talk about this with others in your CR, I feel like there are a few people in your environment (family or friends) who are not trustworthy enough and might make you out to be crazy - which might hurt and discourage you a lot. Please be careful with who you share all this with. Others might not be able to appreciate these things like you do. You’re such a precious person. Don’t let others dim your light.

𝙿𝙸𝙻𝙴 𝚃𝚆𝙾 🌱

Doing activities here that relate to your DR that bring you immense joy and a sense of belonging, daydreaming freely about your DR and realizing consciously that all your fantasy will come true (the desired ones obviously) - see how that makes you feel and bask in that feeling. Making use of your creativity (making DR related content like posts, moodboards, playlists or stories or DR related clothes, accessories etc.), meditating on and/or imagining things about your DR that give you a sense of safety and emotional fulfillment ( ex. with relationships and family). Be at peace with your DR. Gaining inner peace will make you overflow with clarity and grace, reaching beyond depths, through your cells in your body to your soul. Practice feeling at home in your DR (imagine/visualize your DR self doing daily activities or self care at home etc.). Know that the ‘wholeness’ you feel in your DR with your precious DR people reflects the wholeness you’ve created for yourself. Doing things in the way that they align with your personal values will give you immense strength and resilience - you don’t need to bend over backwards or stretch yourself thin.

Don’t follow every other person and their advice, just follow your heart. I know that putting a lot of effort and energy into a situation is wearing you down, especially when you are not seeing the return. Right now you might lack confidence and feel as though you don't really know what you're doing. Or you might feel like something is hindering you from expressing the full range of your skills/ideas and keeping you locked up in a box, when all you want to do is to be free and flourish! You might be a little ungrounded or suppressing something - not wanting to deal with it - which confuses you in return. I feel like you’re someone who struggles with knowing what you really want, letting yourself be influenced by other people's dreams/desires  and therefore being indecisive about a lot of things. In your case, feeling stuck and unfulfilled is increasing your awareness of what you do want. This suspension in time is actually a blessing in disguise! Meditating on your ‘issues’ so that you can gain clarity before making any moves/decisions - clarity about your DR, who you want to be and what you want to experience - this clarity will bring you closer to your DR - emotionally but also on the mental/consciousness sphere (I don’t really want to say ‘physically’ here in this context but I hope you know what I mean lol). Sitting still and realizing that your life is bigger than this one moment. There are endless options and opportunities for you. Don’t get discouraged and keep moving. Every step you take is a step closer to your happiness (even if you can’t see it at that time, know that there is only movement forward not backwards). 

Be innovative, do things with grace and ease - it comes naturally to you. (Your DR people, the universe, we as a community etc) We  all have your back, there is no need to worry or be anxious. You are safe. Time is irrelevant.  Once you’re clear about your intentions and use them to fuel purposeful action. The more specific you are (about your overall intentions - not necessarily about your DR or script), the more you magnetize your creative energy and manifesting magic.

Try reassessing what you worship everyday (consciously or unconsciously). What are you elevating? Where does this ‘sacred ladder’ you climb ultimately lead to? What if instead of putting your DR at the center of your spiritual/shifting practice, you put yourself, a god/goddess, the universe or nature at the center? Think about how that would change your approach. I think honoring, devoting and worshiping something gives you a lot of joy, energy and an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude. Being humbled by the immense sense of wonder this life can bring leads to a shift in your perception. You can be in awe and feel breathtaking delight of this otherworldly opportunity (called shifting), it is very natural to do so. But even if you put it on a pedestal, don’t twist its nature of existence. There is no need to sacrifice something or to acquire a certain worth first to be able to finally shift. The ability to shift ‘realities’ is an innate ability of our consciousness, there is nothing being asked to be done in return. Being in awe about something and honoring it, does not equal giving your power away. Don’t forget or undermine yourself on this journey.  

When we were children (and even now), we can barely comprehend the vastness of our own lives, let alone the existence of other planets and realities. It’s  not long before we learn we (as in our CR self) aren’t necessarily the center of the universe: We are specks of stardust in one of its many skies. But we must all still do our part to take care of our own individual worlds, or else it throws everything else off-balance. So take care of your own little world (your mind, body...) but keep in mind that you are not alone in this world. Help and support is always available. 

Some quotes for you: “The distance between two objects is always relative. Objects in a mirror are closer than they appear.” ; “Don’t just take the picture - enter it.”; “Accept what you desire, not what you feel pressured to desire.”; “Be proud of the person you’ve become.”

𝙿𝙸𝙻𝙴 𝚃𝙷𝚁𝙴𝙴 🫐

There is something toxic going on in your psychic realm aka in your subconscious. It might be present in your relationships with people and things,  in your environment or in your thoughts/speech patterns in the way that your words have a sting of poison in them. Regardless of what it is, it needs to be identified and acknowledged first. Change comes second. Overall, I can see a theme of “self-realization through suffering”.  Right now, you might feel a little scattered, moody and directionless or like you being off-course. It feels like you’re hesitating in taking control of your life. You might be holding back due to various reasons. Sorry for having to call you out but you need to start to take responsibility for your inner resistance and make choices. Because of this lack of control you’re unable to handle any stress and pressure. It feels like your life is running over with way too much drama that you can barely keep up with. It's a very unpleasant feeling tbh.

Remember when you harm others, you harm yourself. A very negative outlook on others, yourself, your shifting journey or your life will only chain you to the ground - slowly clouding your focus, draining you of your willpower and leaving you only with frustration and aggression. 

There might be two or more forces pulling your psyche into seemingly opposite directions. As humans we tend to see things in black & white, forgetting all the gray in between. There might be someone or something (a feeling/desire) in your life that begins to fade away, or maybe is gone altogether now. You might want to hold onto it or bring it back to life in your DR. But the advice here is “Don’t fight it”. There are no neat and tidy bows to tie things up at the end, leaving you satisfied. Acceptance isn’t easy but it’s a thing you need to work towards. We create our own closure. You shouldn't build a home that will come crumbling down if a single person walks out of the front door, right?  When it comes down to it, we can’t depend on other people or things to make us feel happy or fulfilled. Fact is that people/things are going to leave from time to time and you’re the only one who’s guaranteed to stay. Take time to find sources of joy outside of your beloved people and things (ex. through mediating). You deserve happiness that lasts. So try to rethink your plans/ideas for your DR first of all.                                               

In addition, I think what you need right now is stability and structure. As I said in the beginning you need to make a choice/decision on where your destination is. Make a move and try to gain back a sense of control. Don’t get discouraged when you hit some road blocks along the way. Give yourself direction by choosing to live with a purpose and/or intention. You should know that forcing outcomes can be disappointing  and will not ultimately satisfy your needs. Try to build a routine or a ritual. Whether small or large, honoring rituals can help you feel grounded and connecting to your DR. You might even join a group that has a similar interest in your DR world or start something together with a friend creating rules you can follow together.  It might give you a sense of acceptance, unity and strengthen your beliefs and resolve. Try to gain more knowledge about your DR - for example if it’s in a ‘fictional’ universe try to watch/read the original CR source or read fanfictions - anything that gives you more of a feeling of how this world works, how people interact etc. While doing so you might come up with a lot more ideas you can’t wait to discuss with others. Your excitement and creativity might come back. You feel the need to put ideas into action and just go for it. Writing and speaking might come easily to you - so anything that involves that might be good to connect with your DR (ex. journaling, letter writing, vaunting, talking to yourself as your DR self). You will want to find answers and your drive will be immense. Your will be unstoppable and success inevitable. So go after what you want, and you will succeed! 

[mysecretlittlelibrary]

After The End

Pairing: Bucky x Reader/former Steve x Reader

Word Count: 3.2k

Warnings: idk... there's lots of arguing and resentment

Genre: mostly angst some fluff here and there

Summary: It took you ages to put yourself back together when Steve chose to stay in the 40s, what happens when he comes back two years after

***

Life after Thanos was hard. Watching some of your closest friends disappear was not something you would ever be able to forget. Especially with those of you that were left scattered around trying to patch up what could be saved. Those five years were hard, but harder still was having almost everyone you loved return only to lose others. If you had known that beating Thanos would mean losing your boyfriend you might not have tried so hard. It's selfish to think that way, you know it is but you had a whole life planned with Steve, and being heroes you knew there was a chance you wouldn't get to see it through but losing him like this was- almost too much to bare. All he had to do was return the stupid stones to where you'd gotten them from to save the universe. It was supposed to be simple and there was something soul shattering about him choosing not to return to the team, to you. He took the stones back and then he stayed. Chose a life with Peggy that was never his rather than the life with you that he already had. It was agony, for months you were heartbroken. But you got through it. You mourned that life you envisioned, you mourned him, and while you'll probably always love him, you refused to let his choice destroy you. And you considered yourself lucky because Bucky was there for you through it all. On nights that were really bad, Bucky would stay with you even if you were up all night.

You aren't entirely sure when it happened, even now, looking back on it you can't pinpoint the moment late night conversations and afternoons completing chores became... more than that. You guess in spending so much time together you started to see Bucky in a different light. You'd always cared for him but what happened with Steve seems to have created a level of closeness you didn't expect. That first night that you kissed him was unexpected even to you. You'd been talking about nothing of consequence, he was lying on the floor of your room while you were in your bed, both of you staring at your ceiling for the most part. There was a lull in the conversation so you said the thing that had only clicked for you the week before at that point.

"I can't believe I let myself feel inadequate for so long." You sighed. You'd convinced yourself, for weeks, that Steve leaving was because you weren't enough, and only now were you coming to your senses about it.

"I'm sorry." Bucky had whispered it so quietly you almost thought he wasn't talking to you.

"You're sorry? For what? You didn't make him leave." You scoffed at him.

"For letting you feel less than perfect."

"Come on Buck, that's not on you." You'd rotated onto your stomach with a chuckle at his words. He'd cracked one eye open to look at you when he realized you were staring at him. Before you let yourself think about it too hard, you had leaned over the edge of your bed and kissed Bucky. It was quick and a bit awkward because of the angle but you made sure not to shy away from his surprised stare after.

"Did you just-" Bucky didn't even finish the question.

"Yeah. I guess I did." You'd smiled slowly watching a slight pink warm Bucky's cheeks.

You wish you could simply say 'and the rest is history' but that makes it seem like things were way easier than they were. It wasn't a smooth transition by any means. That night neither of you spoke for far too long, and when you could muster up something to say it wasn't to address the rapidly growing elephant in the room- it was to dispell the tension. You and Bucky spent two weeks dancing around the subject before he finally asked you if you were even ready for another relationship after Steve. That's when it clicked, why he'd been avoiding it in the first place, he was considering the possibility you were rebounding. Understandable concern but nope. It had been months, almost a year actually, since Steven had left. You knew you were in a place to begin again and you wanted to do it with Bucky.

Now the rest is history. You've been together ever since. About a year and a half at this point and you can't remember the last time you were this happy. The two of you meshed so well you can't believe there was a time you thought your future was with another man. You smile to yourself as you think about it while working on a painting. There's a knock at the front door that you almost don't hear.

"Y/n can you get the door? I'm in the bathroom!" Bucky shouts.

"Oh shit, of course!" You put down your brush and head to the door. You can't describe the shock that gripped you when you open the door.

"Steven." You blink at him.

"Hey. Nat- told me you'd moved. Luckily she uh, had your new address so-" He trails off with a shrug.

"Look not to- sound rude or anything, like I'm glad to see you, I think but, what are you doing here?" You ask.

"I thought- I thought I knew what I wanted but I got it wrong. I got it so wrong. My life- my happiness, it's here. With you." Steve steps towards you and you instinctively step back, placing a hand up gently to indicate your boundary.

"Hang on a second Steve. Just because your plan didn't work out doesn't mean you can just waltz back into my life like nothing's changed."

"Y/n! Who's at the door?" Bucky's voice calls from inside.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you." You call back.

"I- didn't realize you'd have company." Steve mutters.

"Oh I don't. That's-" Before you can explain, Bucky's asking something, now walking over to join you at the front door.

"So who's this unbelievable surprise guest of-" Bucky's hands drop from where they were just about to settle on your waist when he finally glances out your door. "Steve." He says stepping back.

"Told you, you wouldn't believe me." You toss over your shoulder.

"Hey pal. Long time no see." Steve says. You can't tell if he's totally put it together yet but the strain in his voice tells you he at least knows something's changed between you and his best friend.

"I'll say. What happened to growing old with Carter?" Bucky asks, stepping around you to half hug Steve and offer a shoulder pat.

"I realized that- wasn't the life I wanted. I mean it was once upon a time but, not anymore. Things have changed." Steve shrugs.

"I see." Bucky nods.

"Well, Steve you're welcome to stay here with us while you- get back on your feet in the 21st century! Right Buck? Or I can send you over to Sam, he's back in Louisiana with family right now but I'm sure he'd love to see you too." You say.

"Oh, yeah, we can set him up in the extra room although- your art stuff is in there, did you want me to move it into my office or should I put it in your room?" Bucky hums.

"Do you have space in your office? Cuz I definitely can set it up in my room-"

"There's tons of space in my office." Bucky shrugs before you can finish. Steve clears his throat and you turn your attention back to him.

"Sorry to interrupt your- logistical discussion about all this, I j- I didn't realize you two were living together." Steve says.

"It's been two years. Like you said, things have changed." You say.

"You haven't told him?" Bucky looks at you.

"Well in my defense I was about to when you walked over here and the conversation kinda pivoted." You say.

"Okay well, do you want to do it or should I?" Bucky asks.

"I mean I don't want to but- it should be me, yeah." You mutter.

"Okay, can we stop doing this sidebar thing you guys are doing? Tell me- what exactly?" Steve asks. Bucky's hand settles comfortingly against your back, it's out of Steve's line of sight and you appreciate it greatly.

"Bucky- Bucky's my partner." You say.

"In the- you go on missions together sense or the 'my girlfriend is dating my best friend' sense?" Steve asks.

"It's been two years Steve-"

"So you replace me with my closest friend?"

"No. I moved on and yeah it was with Bucky but that was by chance it wasn't about you at all. Don't make it personal."

"You just happen to move on with my best bud? It feels pretty personal." He scoffs.

"Okay! Let's settle down. Steve, if you're gonna take our offer to stay I will show you to your room. Nat has some of your things at her place, the rest of it is in a storage unit. I'll take you down after." Bucky interrupts the would-be argument by changing the subject. You step out of the doorway to let Steve walk in as Bucky tugs him along.

"Why are my things at Nat's?" Steve asks.

"Well some of the more valuable things y/n held onto for a while but when she didn't want to keep them around here anymore we gave them to Nat to look after until we came up with a better plan since we didn't wanna leave them in a storage unit we'd barely go to." Bucky explains as the pair walk further into the house. You can't hear Steve's reply as you walk into the kitchen to regroup. Letting him stay here is going to make shit so weird. You sigh to yourself, with any luck he'll get on his feet pretty quickly and this will only last a couple of months. You can do a couple of months.

The first few weeks are, tense. You're not sure if Bucky is as aware of it as you are but your house is awkward and quiet most hours since Steve showed up. It's like most of your routines have been disrupted and you're not sure which ones are best left for after he's gone. Right now you're on your balcony with a cup of tea. When you glance over the ledge, you see Steve trudging into view. You watch curiously to figure out what he's doing, not even realizing Bucky's snuck up behind you until his arms settle around your waist.

"Penny for your thoughts my darling?" Bucky asks.

"Things are weird. Maybe I shouldn't have offered to let him stay here." You frown.

"Don't be silly. You wouldn't be you if you hadn't offered." Bucky chuckles.

"Sure but- now I'm worried I've put us- put you in an uncomfortable situation." Bucky spins you around to face him. His hand comes up to the side of your face, fingers grazing your cheek softly.

"I'm fine. Are you uncomfortable with him being here? Because I can suggest he spend some time checking in with the others if you'd-"

"No, I don't want to kick him out. I just- I don't want you to lose him because of me." You say taking his hand in yours kiss his knuckles.

"If 70 years and Russian brainwashing couldn't destroy our friendship I think we can make it past this." Bucky winks at you. You glance over the balcony again in time to see Steve toss some wood at a growing pile.

"What is he doing? Why is he piling wood?" Your eyebrows scrunch up.

"You can just ask him you know." Bucky muses.

"It's not harming anyone. I don't need to know." You shake your head.

"You wanna ask don't you?"

"It's just strange." You say fighting a smile.

"Just ask." Bucky laughs leaving you to your tea on the balcony. A moment later you let your curiosity get the better of you and lean against the metal railing of the balcony.

"Steve hon, what on earth are you doing?" You ask him.

"A tree fell, so- I'm breaking it down into firewood."

"Stevie it's August, we're not using the fireplace." You shake your head with a laugh.

"Better safe than sorry." He shrugs.

"You must be incredibly bored." You muse.

"No, I just like to be prepared." He says. "Alright, I'm a little bored." He adds with a sigh after a moment.

"Well if you need something to do- I was catching up with Nat the other day, she said a couple of the tenants in her building moved out for whatever reason, you should talk to her about applying." You tell him.

"I'll give her a call." He squints up at you.

"Good." You nod heading back into the apartment. That's honestly the longest conversation you've had since the day he moved in. Usually, you spend all day avoiding him- or he spends all day avoiding you- you're not sure but you don't speak really, except you make a point to ask him about dinner, if he has plans, or if he'd like to join you and Bucky. You're a good host, but you don't talk to each other much. Not that you expect any different, you were together for six years and he up and left but he's back now- and things are not what he thought they'd be. What else could be said honestly?

You actually don't mind the silence between you two, because the day Steve decides to break that pattern brings forth the worst conversation. The type you've been dreading since the moment he appeared at your door. You're cleaning around the apartment and Steve offered to help, first you worked in silence, just the music from your speaker filling the air until a particular song came on. One you played for Steve once that he immediately fell in love with. It became your song. You only recently stopped associating the song with him but you forgot it was in this playlist otherwise you would've picked another one.

"You still listen to this song?" Steve asks. You keep your back turned to him as you wipe down the coffee table.

"Of course I do. I knew the song before- it was, ours." You say.

"This is the first time I've heard it in a while." He muses.

"Duh the song didn't exist until the 2010s." You scoff.

"Yeah I guess that's- that's true. It's strange though, that awareness of what's to come."

"Yeah that's why most of sci fi warns you not to go time jumping."

"You clean with different products now." Steve points out. You're not sure what he's trying to do here but you are in no mood to dance around awkwardness with him.

"Scented products are easier for Bucky. He says plain bleach  smells too sterile." You mutter. It's Bucky that buys most of the cleaning products anyway, but he always buys citrus stuff.

"It's not easy, you know, seeing my best friend with the love of my life every day." Steve says after a stretch of silence. At this, you turn to face him, trying to stifle that frustration bubbling inside you.

"You left me. Left us. Not the other way around Steve. You don't get to complain about us having picked up the pieces." You tell him.

"I still love you, that's not something I can just pretend isn't there." He says.

"And I love Bucky." You shrug.

"Not me?"

"It doesn't matter." You shake your head.

"It does."

"If it mattered to you at all you would've never left." You grit out.

"So say it." He says quietly.

"What?"

"Tell me you don't love me."

"Steve-"

"Say it. If what we had is truly all in the past for you tell me you don't love me. That there's no place in your heart for me and- I'll move on."

"This isn't fair." You shake your head.

"No?"

"No! You got the life with Peggy that you thought you wanted. You abandoned me. Now you're asking me to choose you when you didn't choose me. How can you expect me to do that?"

"I'm choosing you now!"

"And I've chosen Bucky. I wanted the world with you. All you had to do was come back to me. And you didn't. It's too late now Steve. You needed to choose me two years ago."

"You still haven't said-"

"I don't love you. That's what you want to hear? You lost me the day you chose not to come back. I shouldn't have to spell it out for you. I chose Bucky, yes. But you-" Deep breath. "If you can't handle me and Bucky together in our home then- maybe you should go stay with Sam or Natasha." You say. You're not going to argue with him.

"Are you kicking me out?"

"I'm offering you an alternative- because, I will not be choosing you. Not now, not ever again, you had your chance and if you can't come to terms with that, if it's too difficult to be around reminders that you fucked up and I kept living life without you then by all means don't destroy your mental health staying here. You have other friends."

"How can you expect me to just- pretend what we had means nothing? How can you pretend it means nothing?"

"I'm not asking you to pretend shit. I also am not pretending it means nothing I'm just aware of the reality that it's over and that's something you need to come to terms with because you left and Bucky made me feel alive again when your leaving nearly killed me. It's been two years, did you think I would simply be waiting indefinitely for you to decide I was worth something to you again?"

"Wait a second you have always been worth something to me. You've always been worth everything." Steve frowns.

"You don't get to say that! You don't abandon people that are 'worth everything' to you. You chose someone else and that's a choice you have to live with." You say, your finger practically in his face. The sound of the apartment door opening disrupts your anger enough that you step back.

"Hey guys- did I miss something?" Bucky frowns looking between you two even though you've already stopped back over to the coffee table. Bucky's quick to come to your side, scanning your face for any clues as to what's going on, although he heard the last bit of what you said as he was coming down the hall. "Baby?" He coaxes gently, his fingers stroking against your side.

"I'm gonna go to Sam's for a little while." Steve grits out.

"Feel free to stay there." You clip before you can stop yourself. Steve's footfalls pause for a moment at your words but he doesn't respond before eventually he trudges out the front door.

"Feel free to stay there?! What... happened while I was out?" Bucky asks with a disbelieving chuckle.

"He has... a lot of nerve." You force out through clenched teeth.

"You're gonna have to give me more details than that so I can understand what's wrong doll."

"He just told me how hard it is to watch his best friend with the 'love of his life' every day. The love of his life that he left to be with a woman that lived and died without him. He asked me to choose him. Because after two years I'm supposed to still love the man that left me. Because it's not enough that he almost destroyed me the last time. Because for some reason he thinks I'd rather be picked two years too late."

"He's hurting."

"Yeah well, so was I. Two years ago. He'll live. I did." You shrug. Bucky pulls you into a hug, kissing the top of your head as he gently sways you both back and forth. You lived through hell that day you realized Steve chose a life with Peggy. You'd be damned if you ever let that happen again.

***

[vivsinkpot]

First things first, I really really enjoy your articles. Thank you so much for the time you invest in helping other writers.

My next thing - I'd like to request two articles: a first chapter checklist similar to how you did the "Unforgettable First Line" and just a general checklist or how-to for any chapter in the book (same thing, similar to the "Unforgettable First Line). I mention the second one, because I feel like I want to apply everything you write to my whole book, not just my first chapter. It not be prudent (or beneficial) to both of them without repeating yourself unnecessarily. So, maybe just the second one with little notes about what to include in the first chapter or how that chapter is different.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

How to Structure Body Chapters in a Novel (and Why the First and Last Chapters Are Different Creatures Entirely)

“If the first chapter invites the reader in and the last chapter releases them, the body chapters are where they fall in love.”

THE FIRST AND LAST CHAPTERS: FRAMING THE EXPERIENCE

Before we dive into the middle, let’s look at the bookends. Because the first and last chapters aren’t just part of the plot—they’re emotional architecture.

🗝️ The First Chapter

Sets tone, mood, voice, world

Introduces character and their starting point

Hints at conflict or tension

Raises a question the reader wants answered

Often begins in a moment of unbalance or transition

Feels like: “You’re here now. Something’s about to begin.”

Scene 1: Introduce the protagonist & tone. Let the world breathe.

Scene 2: Show tension. A moment of instability, shift, or choice.

Scene 3: End with a question, discovery, or door opening.

It’s less about “what happens” and more about “how it feels.”

🕊️ The Final Chapter

Resolves (or intentionally leaves unresolved) core emotional threads

Echoes the beginning — mirrors, reversals, closure

Shows how the character has changed (or failed to)

Often slows down or sharpens in focus — a final breath or cut

Feels like: “Here’s where we leave them.”

Scene 1: Let the world settle. Mirror the beginning.

Scene 2: Reflect, choose, or change. Emotional resolution.

Scene 3: Leave on a lingering image, line, or question.

You might tie the plot knot, but the emotional resolution is what truly ends a story.

SO WHAT ABOUT THE BODY CHAPTERS?

Think of the middle of your book as a chain of emotional shifts that gradually rewire your protagonist from who they were to who they become.

Each chapter must do something to:

• Shift character dynamics

• Complicate the conflict

• Introduce consequence

• Build momentum

Let’s break it into a model you can use again and again.

STRUCTURING A BODY CHAPTER

(The 5-Part Micro-Arc Formula)

Most body chapters work best when they feel self-contained but unfinished — like a heartbeat in a larger rhythm.

1. THE HOOK (Start with tension)

Begin in motion or on the verge of it

Ground us with setting and POV

Introduce an obstacle, mood, or question early

Example:

“The last person she wanted to see was already waiting at the gate.”

2. THE OBJECTIVE (What do they want?)

Show your protagonist (or another focal character) trying to do or get something

This gives the scene direction

Even if it’s small: a conversation, an object, forgiveness, escape, proof

3. THE OBSTACLE (Why can’t they get it?)

Something goes wrong.

The conflict escalates.

Someone lies, leaves, or lashes out.

The character makes a mistake or faces a new truth.

This is your turning point. It’s why this chapter exists.

4. THE SHIFT (What’s changed by the end?)

A relationship dynamic shifts

A secret is revealed

The stakes rise

The character’s mindset changes

This is the emotional heartbeat. Even if nothing explodes, something must shift.

5. THE CLOSER (Why do we keep reading?)

Leave on tension, revelation, irony, dread, or a decision

Plant a question, image, or threat

Pull the reader toward the next chapter like a current

Examples:

“She looked down at her hands. And for the first time, they were shaking.”

“The door clicked shut behind him. He hadn’t said goodbye.”

TIPS FOR BODY CHAPTERS:

1. Ask: “Why does this chapter matter emotionally?”

If it’s just moving plot around, consider condensing it. Emotion is what makes a chapter memorable.

2. Every chapter is a negotiation.

Characters should want something — and be thwarted, delayed, or redirected.

3. Use a mirror structure occasionally.

Begin and end with a repeated image or phrase.

Start with a lie, end with a truth.

Start together, end apart.

This makes a chapter feel crafted.

4. Don’t resolve everything.

Let some threads tangle. The best chapters end with emotional echo.

A QUICK STRUCTURE YOU CAN STEAL:

[Chapter Outline Template]

Scene 1: Introduce location/character/mood shift

Scene 2: Present goal + obstacle

Scene 3: Conflict escalates / reveal / shift

Scene 4: Aftermath (emotion, reflection, tension)

Final Line: Pull us forward with a question, decision, or image

You can expand or condense this for pacing—but keeping this flow in mind helps anchor your chapter arcs.

IN SUMMARY:

The first chapter invites us in.

The last chapter lets us go.

The body chapters make us stay.

Each one should shift something — mood, relationship, tension, desire. That’s how you keep the reader falling forward.

👩‍🏫 Your Challenge:

Pick a body chapter from your WIP and write a one-sentence summary for each of the five micro-arc parts: Hook, Objective, Obstacle, Shift, Closer.

Thank you so much for the request! If I’ve missed anything or misunderstood the ask please let me know! 💕

[bubunotavailable]

Season 6 is cooking so bad im crying oml. I gotta word vomit about it because i literally have no one to talk about it with.

So!! The side characters getting depth???? You’re telling 13 year old me that we’ll actually have an opportunity to connect to them 😭 don’t make me cry. Not trying to be salty, im genuinely happy we have it now. I understand their hands were tied up to this point and whatever happened between s5 and s6 did the show so good.

The whole bad parents shtick is getting layed on pretty thick which makes me think its building something up. If i had to guess its definitely has sum to do with Adrien. Im betting by the end of the season Adrien will finally admit out loud that his father was abusive (not just a few mumbles about him being distant) and it isnt wrong to hate him for that even if he’s a “hero”. In fact that’s what its trying to do, the story is telling the viewers that parents aren’t all that glorified and you CAN take them off the pedestal if they’re not great parents. You don’t have to love them unconditionally just because theyre family. People can stand up against injustice and the parent can face judgement and CHANGE. Something gabriel couldn’t do time and time again and i can only guess how that will blow up later.. so i think the reason why it frequently comes up so the moment Adrien actually does admit to the abuse or stands up for himself or comes out with his side of the story it feels much more satisfying and closer. Imagine yourself as a little kid watching s6 and getting the message that you can tell your parents to change over and over again and when the final episode comes out Adrien does that, imagine how vindicated you’d feel. That yes, STAND UP ADRIEN!! AS YOU SHOULD!!

Anyhow, another thing i noticed is how Marinette is somewhat almost always “responsible” for the akumatized person. I believe this is just Lila’s way of manipulating Marinette into feeling guilty bit by bit, slowly. Or when the ultimate moment to expose her or ruin her image comes to, she can show how everything was connected to her. I think the finale with her will be that she’ll try to ruin her image as Marinette just as well as Ladybug. If she were to expose her identity she’d do it in a way so she buries Marinette into the ground. Therefore she’d expose the lie she told as Ladybug, as well as how big of a failure she is as Marinette and that Ladybug is in fact “causing” the akumas. She’s obviously closely monitoring her life since all the characters that have been akumatized so far has been in her close vicinity. PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE YAYYYY!!

Also its absolutely unbelieable how pretty the show is. I dont care how much people bitched about how its not the same anymore and they miss the old one etc, i think thats just people scared of change xx. Its genuinely so pretty, its a work of art honestly. The way sometimes 2d gets mixed into the 3d is ☹️☹️☹️ my artist heart is squeeling everytime i see a scene like that. Like when Ladybug spins her yoyo:( its so pretty like COME ON how can you not appreciate that.

At first the only gripe i had with s6 was that they took away even what was left of Adriens personality. As someone whose rewatched the show a couple of times and is rewatching it rn aswell, its insane how much Adrien has changed. S1 and S6 are completely different people change my mind. He used to be so witty and sarcastic just overall a tiny prick behind closed doors. Now hes a little bit bland. But i read a post about Astruc saying the only person he has rn is Marinette, and thats why his personality is centered around her. Which makes a lot of sense but i dont think that transition was well shown, altho i have hopes the remaining episodes will build up to that. It was obvious to me hes traumatized and sad why wouldnt he be, he has no family left ??? But at the same time now he feels like just a side character. Alas, i understand in order to flesh out other characters and the story arc he has to be put in the backround for now. Just kinda bummed we don’t get to see much of him anymore.

Don’t get me started about Chat Noir ☹️ i miss him so much. But again i know why they’re doing it, they’re seperating Ladybug of her only support system. They’re trying to tie Marinette to Adrien and how the guilt with that lie is to be carried alone. Even when Alya found out she was faced witht he consequences: no one likes to be lied to. She cant tell Chat now, especially now that theres an obvious drift between Chat and her. It’s not just them against the world anymore, theres a whole team there now. Altho, this just makes her even more alone. Feeling alone with people around~ again, the moment this all comes to a boil, there’ll be 20 people around her, looking at her like shes the one to blame. Chat noir wont be there next to her anymore, hell be on the otherside looking at her, (feeling more betrayed than anyone there), trying to figure out who she is (not her identity, he just doesnt know Ladybug anymore, they dont talk, they dont interact, theres no us anymore, she made that decision alone-). It just isolates Marinette even further. My baby:(

I disagree with people who say Marinette lost her character development. In FACT id say what the shows doing rn is the best its ever done at showing actual internal battles. Its always been just a kids show so of course they couldnt go for a darker route or something that shows moral issues and heavy decisions. Little things like how they interact with their environment. Up to this point the story was focused on Marinette and her every day life usually a silly problem came up that was sort of solved in just a single episode, usually in the last 2 minutes of it. Now i feel like the whole entire episode is centered around the issue and its actually giving Marinette space to feel. For the viewer to experience the worry the anxiety WITH Marinette. Not just jumping between a silly problem in the city and Marinette doing god knows what. Shes just a baby now:( finally looking and acting like a kid, 14 and worrying about her boyfriends reaction to her sneezes. While simultaniously struggling with guilt over a lie that feels too heavy for a 14 year old. Her control issues isnt using Ladybug for her personal battles which felt just funny up this point but an actual anxious issue and her trying to make everything work on her own and keeping the peace for her own sake. Like if this ISNT character development (not in the usual way just simply the way its shown) then idk what it is. Shes feeling!!! Look at her guys shes showing fear, anxiety, anger, insecurity!! Im jot saying she didnt up to this point but it was shown so much less. Just little tibits. Now shes finally in the spotlight. Good for her!!

Last but not least my theory for Lila: i think shes gathering info (duh). Figuring out who is who in the class, obviously suspecting Marinette is Ladybug but having no actual proof for it. London special showed she couldn’t confirm her suspicion but she HAD the suspicion. Because when she did figure it out and see it was Marinette she wasn’t surprised. And how all the victims are obviously tied to her in her personal life, and how the villian itself has always been connected to her moral issue in one way or another. Lilas a good manipulator that way, knowing which buttons to push. I think shes just trying to break Marinette in.

Cant wait what else is there!!! Mwuah love this show

[fuctacles]

Trans is fine, but you better not be a Swiftie!

For @subeddieweek Day 5 | T | 1502 | cw: hinted transphobia | transfem Steve, PDA, rockstar Eddie, jealousy, possesive Stevie, bitchy Stevie | Ao3 Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Ao3

It took the whole of Corroded Coffin to convince her to go to the concert. It may make her sound like an unsupportive girlfriend, but she hasn't been to any of their gigs in months. Eddie never complained about it, aware that metal concerts aren't for everyone, even if they do like the music. She's also hit a weird stage in her transition when she didn't feel like going to public events. 

But here she was, at their first solo concert, no festival to crutch on. In the newest band t-shirt, one she saw through every stage of designing, her tits barely making a dent (Eddie had a different opinion on that topic), while two skanks next to her had her cleavages on full display in their tiny cut-up t-shirts.

They were in the VIP lounge, waiting for the band to emerge from backstage. Stevie could have been there with them, but the rush and heat behind a concert like this gave her a worse headache than the actual music. So instead, she had to sit there with two textbook examples of a groupie. And one of them looked meaner than Carol, back from high school, when she didn't get her chocolate pudding.

"You sure you're in the right place?" one of them finally speaks up.

Stevie looks pointedly at her band t-shirt. 

"Is this not a Taylor Swift concert?" she asks, eyes going wide. The second girl presses her lips, holding back a laugh. The first one narrows her eyes, though. 

"Don't sass me, girlie, you know what I mean," she hisses. "Wearing plain jeans and a hoodie to meet Eddie Munson? That's so disrespectful."

Stevie wouldn't call her jeans plain. They were expensive mom-cut and made her ass look good. The girl didn't need to know she treated them like a premium version of sweatpants. And the hoodie was Eddie's. He gave it to her before going on stage tonight. 

She shrugs off her words.

"I don't think he'll mind."

The girl scoffs. 

"Oh, he's too nice to say anything, but he'll know you're a poser. Who goes to a metal concert dressed like that? He'd never go for you."

Stevie raises her eyebrows, taken aback.

"Excuse me?"

"Excuse you," the girl barks back, nonsensically. Her friend touches her arm as if giving her a sign to back dial it down, but she either doesn't notice or chooses to ignore her. "You don't look like you're here for the music, hell, you probably can't name a single song!"

(Stevie named some of them herself.)

"So you must be here for Eddie," she concludes with a sneer. 

"Well, I am here for him," Stevie deadpans truthfully. This seems to further fuel her VIP lounge companion.

"Keep dreaming. He's into real metalheads," she says haughtily, popping the collar of her battle vest. It's so cartoonish it takes everything from Stevie not to burst out laughing. "What do you even listen to? Country?"

"Taylor Swift, I already told you."

"See, Eddie hates normies like you. Swifties are so fucking mainstream, you'll just embarrass yourself. Maybe you should go," she suggests with a pointed look.

Stevie gives her a pitying smile back. Clearly, she wasn't as big of a fan as she claimed to be if she hadn't seen the photos of Eddie in official Taylor Swift merch that were trending just a couple of months ago. 

"Eddie's looking for someone real, not a fake bitch like you."

She was going to play nice, but that was taking it too far. She felt her hackles rise and her face turned into a frown.

But before she could say anything, the second girl slapped her friend on the chest.

"What the fuck, dude?! You can't just say shit like that!"

"Like what?!" She slaps her back. "Do you think she actually cares about their music? She screams fake pop shit!" She throws her hand back, motioning at Stevie.

Who was too taken aback to react at this point.

"Fuck, I thought you were being transphobic." The girl lets out a nervous laugh. "Sorry."

"What?" The first girl takes a glance back at Stevie like she hasn't noticed before. It was kind of flattering, considering she wasn't that far in her transition, but she wouldn't take an idiot's oversight as a compliment. "I don't care about that! Mainstream music is a bigger sin than being transgender!"

"I'll drink to that."

The band chose this moment to appear at the steps to the lounge, Eddie raising the water bottle in his hand in a mock cheer. 

"Eddie!" The two girls stand up in unison, and it takes all of Stephanie's willpower not to roll her eyes. Instead, she gives a wry smile to Jeff, who seems to be in a similar state of mind.

"We're here too, you know," he murmurs under his breath. 

Gareth nudges his arm.

"Well, I'm glad they're not here for me," he whispers back.

Stevie snorts after hearing that, but the girls are none the wiser, too preoccupied with their beloved frontman.

"Hello ladies, hope you didn't wait too long," he greets them, accepting their enthusiastic hugs and letting them kiss his cheek. 

Stevie keeps her face carefully neutral.

"It's okay, we know you're exhausted after the concert." The first girl smiles sweetly at him, and it's becoming increasingly difficult for Stevie not to gag at the shift in attitude. "I'd wait the whole night to meet you." She might need a bucket right now.

Eddie laughs nervously, taking a step back to put some distance between them.

"Ashley and Xena, right?" he asks.

"I'm Xena!" The girl exclaims, clearly proud of her unusual name. Stevie does roll her eyes this time.

Gareth appears in front of her, snickering, and she punches him softly in the thigh before raising the same fist to fist bump him. He offers her the tray of cookies he picked up from the table.

"Hi. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine." She shrugs and picks up one of the cookies. "Thanks."

He nods and retreats to one of the couches. There are three of them, set up in a triangle around a table with snacks and drinks. Which is very convenient, making Stevie think Chrissy has planned it out.

"You already know them, but it's rude not to introduce my friend." Eddie grins, making room for the rest of the band to properly greet the fans. "This is Jeff, Gareth, and Grizzly the Teddy-bear. He gives the best hugs," he says with a grin. Ted rolls his eyes.

"Just Ted is fine. But I do give the best hugs." He grins.

Eddie leaves them to it and finally goes to sit next to his girlfriend, throwing his arms over the back of the sofa and sinking into the cushions.

"I'm so tired," he groans. 

"Too tired to greet me properly?" she asks with a raised eyebrow. She can feel the eyes of the other girls on them.

"Never." Eddie raises his head immediately. "Sorry, baby." He leans in to kiss her on the cheek, but she moves her head away.

"I said properly," she repeats, but her tone shifts into her more authoritative one. He hesitates for a millisecond, but his eyes don't even shift away to look at their surroundings. Stevie enjoys the power trip, seeing him uncaring of who's looking and where they are.

"Of course, sorry," he amends, straightening up to go in for a proper kiss.

He lets out a surprised whimper when she dominates it immediately, grasping his chin and claiming his mouth like she's been starving for it throughout the whole concert. Eddie goes limp in her grasp, but she wants to make it clear who he belongs to. She grabs his knee possessively, angling him even more towards her, and her other hand moves from his chin to his hair. His locks are damp with sweat after the concert, but she doesn't mind, because it's exactly how she likes him. Dirty, unkempt, falling apart under her hands. 

She tugs at his hair, messing further the haphazard bun he's tied it into. He sighs, melting further into her, and it makes it easier to grasp his thighs and pull him into her lap. They finally part with a wet smack, and she can look into her boyfriend's glossy eyes.

"There's my good boy," she praises. "Hi."

"Hi," he croaks back with a dazed smile.

"Booo, get a room!" one of their friends speaks up. 

Eddie groans and hides in the crook of her neck, too weak from the kiss to face the teasing yet. So Stevie takes over the social interaction for him, lacing her hands together at the small of his back while he collects himself. She sticks out her tongue to Gareth.

"Shut up, we'll behave now," she says, before turning to the two girls, her jaws shattered on the floor and there to stay for her to stomp on. She smiles charmingly at them. "You guys were saying?"

Shameless plug: @stevieweek

[snail-day]

hi hi hi it's me again!!

thank you so much for another unbelievably delicious portion of cult leader geto!! read it and had a question!!

wouldn't suguru be worried that if sex comes only as punishing method at first, his little lamb would assosiate it with something negative? how would he try to change such connections in her head? cause at first no matter how gentle/loving/slow he would try to be it would still be forced for her:(

i guess that in his mind it is like forcing kid to eat porridge, yk... (lmao). of course she doesn't want it, but she is just too silly to understand that she needs it. luckily for her, he knows! oh his god complex is shining as bright as the sun (if not brighter)

and if he still uses sex as punishment sometimes, does he just doing it roughly or does he adding more and more kinky/humiliating stuff? as i see it, it feels like those punishements could be meant to show her how bad things could possibly be and how much she should be grateful when he is being all gentle and loving.

oh i cant stop yapping when it comes to you lovely thank you so much for replying and listening to all of these tell me if it gets too much ahahah!! + if gojo owns a shrimp, nanami would own a hedgehog. grumpy, old hedgehog for whom kenny build the whole little house instead of regular cage. sorry. it doesn't leave my mind. btw hedgehog would love only nanamin (and hopefully his darling.)

❄️

Hi Pookie! It's always a pleasure to see you in my inbox! Thank you for indulging in my brain worms, though I fear the man writes himself at this point. Omg okay, I love this question because it taps right into his god complex and the way he rationalizes his actions. You’re so spot on - he sees it as something akin to training rather than punishment (in the last little blorbo I do think he just gave into lust at that point because what's hotter than your darling running away). In his mind, his little lamb is too naive to understand what’s good for her, so it’s his divine duty to guide her.

But the thing about Geto Suguru’s love is that it’s not just about control - it’s devotion. Obsession. Worship. Whatever you want to call it. You are his most precious thing, the heart of his world, the one pure soul in the middle of all the corruption and filth he has to deal with. He doesn’t just want you to belong to him - he wants you to love him, to need him just as much as he needs you. You are his soft spot, his greatest weakness, and that’s why he has to break you. Not because he hates you, not because he enjoys hurting you (he tells himself that, at least), but because he’s scared. Scared that if you're not shaped properly, you’ll slip through his fingers. That you’ll run. That you’ll force him to do some unsavory methods to keep you within his walls.

Because he’d rather destroy you than let you go.

The transition is slow because he wants you to believe that submission is natural- your true purpose. That you're the one standing in the way of your own peace. When you obey, he gives you the illusion of choice, affection, and “love.” He’s gentle and indulgent, praises you endlessly, and makes you feel like the most cherished being in his world (you are). You're his favorite, his special little lamb, as long as you behave. When you happen to resist? That’s when he corrects you. It’s never framed as cruelty - no, no, no. It’s your fault for making things harder on yourself.

Over time, he changes your outlook on reality. Rewriting what’s "normal." He makes you doubt your own instincts and forces you to question if you're actually suffering. Likes to remind you that there are people in the world who are starving, who don't get luxurious dinners hand-fed to them in the warmth of a person's lap. That they don't get to wear the finest of silks. Get to sleep under bundles of warm blankets. Honestly, Suguru thinks you're a little ungrateful.

However. when you finally reach your lowest point, when the exhaustion, fear, and helplessness finally sets in, that’s when he becomes soft. Loving. Almost unbearably tender. He holds you. He comforts you.

"See? This is what I wanted for you all along. Isn’t this better?"

With enough of these cycles, you start believing him, because who could love you more than he could?

When he uses sex for punishment...okay, so here’s the thing - I actually don’t think Geto has that high of a sex drive in general (he’s got two little girls in the house, come on, can’t be getting freaky). It’s also not about lust for him; it’s about control, about shaping his little lamb into what you’re supposed to be. He’s not doing this just to satisfy some primal urge; he’s doing it because he needs you to understand.

…Okay, and because he yearns for you. Desperately. He’d much rather have you come onto him - to feel you crave him, reach for him, surrender willingly. That’s what he truly wants. He doesn’t enjoy using sex as a punishment; it’s just a lesson, a reminder of how things could be if you just let yourself love him the way he loves you.

There are some levels of punishment (mentions of cervix fucking, dubcon/noncon, , shibari, toys, misuse of cursed orbs):

At first, it's just rougher, reminding you that this is what happens when you disobey. That he'll mark your skin with love bites, that his thrusts will be harsh and push against your cervix. Then, he adds elements of humiliation - pushing you into uncomfortable situations where you're completely powerless as he ties you with shibari ropes and allows himself free use of your body. Where you can't exactly ignore your body betraying you as he presses the vibrating wand to your clit on the highest setting just to remove it right when you're about to climax. Disobedient little lambs don't get to cum. He will do weeks of only anal, indulging himself into opening your tight hole for him, pressing his cursed orbs against the lubed rim (especially if you've been complaining about the plug) So he starts forcing comparisons: "Do you like this better? No? Then maybe you should think twice before defying me next time." As he pushes the orb deep inside, don't forget you will have to push it back out. Just to have your cries muffled with the pure white lacey panties he always makes you wear.

However, Suguru cherishes the sweeter moments with you. Like when you’re straddled on top of him, your wrists bound behind your back, not because he doesn’t trust you, but because you still have that adorable habit of trying to choke him. (He doesn’t mind too much. It’s cute, in its own way) Taking his time with you then, his big, calloused, warm hands firm on your waist as he moves slowly, too slow and teasing, just enough to drive you mad (seriously, he does this for hours). Drinking in the little whimpers, the frustrated huffs, the way your body starts trembling with lust as slick coats your thighs.

"If you want to cum, my love, you’ll have to work for it," he muses with that smug grin, "Move those pretty hips for me."

What he loves most is when you finally start to crave him. When the resistance fades, when the hunger in your eyes mirrors his own. When you lean in for his kisses, desperate, needing them as much as he needs you - and by then? He’s already untying the binds, letting his hands roam free, pulling you close to his chest as he drives his cock straight to the hilt.

"That’s it," he breathes against your lips, devotion laced in every syllable. "See how much better this is when you don’t fight me?"

RAHHHHH sorry for rambling so much… I just loved this question. I fear Suguru is just a little bit of a loser for his darling, but he has to bury it beneath all that manipulation and his desperate need for control. 😭 MWAH! Love you tons! 💕

[gothicchildofthenight]

Dead-Bird

FEM DNI‼️ (She/her, She/they, etc.) - you’ll be blocked.

request: “hihi ! can you write rodrick x ftm reader thats just like , treated as one of the guys in rodricks friend group and has a sense of belonging , then heather outs the reader or something n rodrick stands up for them (???) im not sure where im going with this request u can interpret it however u want”

summary: moving to plainview for a fresh start while you’re transitioning. you meet rodrick heffley, resident emo, and become inseparable. what happens when heather hills gets jealous thats he’s turned all his attention on you?

descriptions: ftm!reader, intended for a black reader but can be read by any race, rodrick might be ooc (??), i made heather really mean (and homophobic 😭) but in reality i have no hate to her HER ACTRESS IS GORGINA, slur drop (f word), maybe the reader a girly kid sorry if that upsets anyone, cursing, throwing up (only happens once and i don’t think it’s detailed), let me know if i missed anything!!

a/n: yall, i know i said friday, but circumstances change (especially when baby siblings are sick asf) so i’m sorry. you’re allowed to yell at me in the comments!! BUT ITS FINALLY HERE‼️ pls let me know if you like it, and if you think i should change anything. i can always improve!!

word count: 8.29k (i got carried away 😭)

———————————————————————————-

For as long as you can remember, you knew you didn’t feel right with who you were. You wore the dresses, the skirts, joined the girls line when you were split off and you were ok with it, but it never felt right. You wanted to get your hands dirty, skin your knee, and you could do all of that with the girls, but you wanted to do it with the boys.

Your parents seemed to acknowledge this and your family just labeled you a tomboy. It wasn’t until your last year of middle school that you realized who you were, what you were. You were a boy, you were trans.

After going back and forth with yourself, you go to your parents with tears streaming down your face. With the way you and your parents were raised, it didn’t seem like they were going to be accepting.

“Are you done blubbering?” Your mom had asked you, which made you cry even more because you didn’t know if that could be good or bad. “We knew this could be a possibility with you just wanting to be with little boys.”

“Just because your grandparents have a skewed perspective on gender doesn’t mean we do.” Your dad joined in with a hand on your shoulder.

And with that started your transition journey. First with therapy, then doctor visits, and finally testosterone. When you started taking testosterone (end of sophomore year), you and your parents moved to give you a fresh start. With their careers, they could work anywhere as long as they could travel.

Plainview was just that, plain, but it got the job done so you can lay low. You couldn’t even point it out on a map, but it seemed like a great place to get a fresh start. Family homes, mom and pop shops, and maybe 6 schools around. No one knows you, seeing as you moved almost cross-country, so perfect.

Your first day wasn’t anything like you imagined. You thought you would be clocked immediately, especially since in the rush to move and get enrolled in school you had forgotten to get your haircut. You lucked out though, because the only reason someone (besides a teacher) came to talk to you was because of your Pearl Jam shirt.

That was the day you met Rodrick Heffley, resident “bad boy” with a band that wasn’t shit (you could say that seeing as you were in it) and a taste for rock and metal. That’s who came to talk about your shirt.

“You listen to Pearl Jam?” He asked, and you were immediately on the defense.

You knew you didn’t exactly look the part of emo metalhead, you had heard it your whole life growing up. “Listen to your normal music,” was a common one, and you won’t lie, it hurt. Especially from the popular white kids because it was just another tally mark against you.

“Yes? What about it?” You snapped.

“Woah, didn’t know I touched a nerve,” his face had reddened a little, but besides that it didn't change. “I was just gonna ask your favorite song.”

“Whatever,” you rolled your eyes. “I like Why Go from the Ten album.”

“Cool, cool, that’s a good one.” And then you both just stood there staring at each other. “Do you want to come over to my house after school?”

“I don’t even know you, kid,” you chuckled, “what are you, a kindergartener?”

“Well excuse me for trying to be nice.” He rolled his eyes. “I’m Rodrick.”

He held out his hand, which you hesitantly shook. “I’m (Y/N).”

“So are you coming over or what?”

And just like that he became one of the most important people in your life– along with his best friends; Drew, Ward, Chris, and Ben. Present day, you are never without Rodrick, and he, you. It doesn’t take a lot to convince the other to do something you probably shouldn’t, which leads to you guys getting in trouble a lot.

Like how one time towards the end of junior year in the middle of the night, Rodrick and you snuck out for a carnival almost 2 hours away. You had been relaxing at home, reading, when you heard little tinks coming from your window. You knew it was Rodrick throwing rocks at your window. He always did that when he’d sneak out of his house to come to yours.

“What the hell do you want?” You jokingly whisper-yelled as you opened your window.

“Come to a fair with me!” He whispered back.

“Last time I checked, the summer fair didn’t come until after school ended?”

“Because it’s not the one in Plainview, it’s the one in Huntington! Just come on!” He groans.

“First of all, I’m in pajamas!” You motioned up and down yourself. “Second of all, that’s almost two hours away!”

“So what, you’ve snuck out with me before! What makes this time any different? Come on, (Y/N), live a little!”

“Fuck it, fine!” and you closed your window to change. Your parents were long gone asleep, so you doubt they’d check on you, meaning you were in the clear.

You settled on baggy pants and a short sleeve, which is what you almost always wear, before you jumped out your window (you were on the second floor, yea, but your house wasn’t that big so it wasn’t a huge jump). Rodrick was waiting in his van, so you climbed into the passenger seat and set off.

You took a mini nap on the way, but after you woke up, you guys didn't shut up. From school to new albums, you talked about it all. You guys always were like this, (still were) even though at this point you’d only known each other a couple months. It scared you a little, how close you two had gotten in such a little period of time, mainly because you don’t want him to drop you because of who you were before.

“We’re here!” He pulled into a parking spot. You both climbed out of the van and met in front of it. “You brought your wallet, right?”

“Hanging with you? Of course not.” You deadpanned, before pulling out your wallet with a smile. “Why would I go to a fair without my wallet?”

He just rolled his eyes, slung his arm around your neck and walked to the ticket booth. Once in the fair, you guys set a plan to leave around 2:00 so you can get back in time for school.

You run around together, ride to ride, concession stand every chance you can get, and then barfing into a trash can. “I will never sneak out with you again.”

“Sure, ok,” Rodrick scoffed. “Come on, I want to ride the ferris wheel before going home!”

“Sure,” you rolled your eyes as you wiped your mouth, “just let me finish tossing my organs into this dumpster.”

“Let's go, smart ass.”

Surprisingly, there wasn’t a long line for the wheel. You’re on it in 5 minutes, and at the top in another 5.

“Told you it was worth it.” Rodrick teased as you looked out to the neon fair lights.

“Yea, yea, whatever,” you mumbled, too busy looking out at the eye widening view.

There’s a moment of silence. “Y’know, I’m glad we met each other.”

“Ew, don’t get all sentimental on me. Especially on a ferris wheel, that's just cringey.” You joke.

“I’m being serious!” He sighs. “Like I love the band, but I think me and you got closer in the span of a few months than me and them since middle school. It’s crazy.”

“Yea, sure, ok, dude,” you look back out to the lights. You couldn’t look him in the eyes because you had this warm feeling in your gut that you couldn’t place.

Rodrick doesn’t allow you to, though, as he grabs your face in one hand to make you look at him. “What the hell are you doing?”

“I want you to say it,” he stares into your eyes, seeming to search for something.

“Say what, jackass?” You feel your face catch on fire in the dark of the night.

“That I’m your best friend.” He looks so serious, and his eyes never leave yours.

“You’re my best friend,” you roll your eyes with a grin, “can you let me go now?”

“We’ll work on it.” He pats the side of your face and then faces the lights outside the wheel.

When you're both off the ferris wheel, you’re headed back home. The car ride home was silent, you in your own head and Rodrick seemed tired. You offered for him to stay over and sleep until school starts, but he declines, knowing his parents will wake him up in the morning.

You pull up to your house but just sit there for a second. “It was a bunch of fun, as always. Til we sneak out again.”

“See ya,” he smiles and lightly punches your shoulder.

“See ya, dude,” and you head to your house.

When you see him pull off, you lightly close your front door. As you turn around, your soul leaves your body.

“I don’t even want to know,” your mom holds her hand up to silence you. “Phone, now.”

You sigh, but do it.

It seemed that’s what happened with Rodrick, too, so for the rest of the school year you and Rodrick could only contact each other at school. He still snuck over, that wasn't going to stop.

You don’t regret leaving with him that night, because you had never had someone willingly be that close to you.

—

Currently, you’re all huddled up in the hot attic that is his room, but it was the only place without younger kids so you don’t complain much.

“Dude, I thought this year was gonna be it!” Rodrick complains as he lays upside down on his bed.

“Oh, it’s gonna be it, alright,” Ben rolls his eyes and throws a paper ball in Rodricks direction. “It’s going to be the year I finally strangle you if you mention Heather Hills one more time.” We all chuckle at how true it was.

Right now, he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about Heather Hills. Even though you had come in the middle of junior year, it was quick knowledge that he had a crush on her since middle school. At first it was cute, but after some unforeseen circumstances, you actually hated hearing her name. It wasn’t like you had a crush on him (It was), but the fact that she didn’t give him the time of day, and even when she did it was just to make fun of him or to have him do something.

“I second that, it’s fucking annoying,” you push him off the bed, seeing as you were on it right next to him.

“Ow, you dick!” he sits up and rubs his head.

“We’re, like, four months from graduating, if she wanted you, she would’ve said it.”

“Yea but-” Ward cuts him off.

“But nothing, bro, she don’t want your ass.”

It’s what you’ve been telling him this whole time, but you didn’t want to be too pressed about it because you didn’t want him to think you like her. You didn’t like her, you liked the one who liked her. You hadn’t realized it until you saw Heather sweetening him up one time and it hurt to watch– and not in a disgusted way.

You had no idea about your sexuality, you knew you liked boys even before you transitioned, but as you became more comfortable with yourself girls weren’t so bad either. You had been on a few dates with mostly girls (there weren’t many out guys in a small town, who knew?), but no one was Rodrick.

“I mean, I know, subconsciously,” he points to his head, “but she has this way of being in your head, no matter how mean she is.”

“Blah blah blah, bruh we don’t caaaarreee!” You roll your eyes and fall back on his bed. “She’s probably going to, like, Harvard or some shit and gonna marry rich. She doesn’t have time for loser guys like ourselves unless we can do something for her. It’s been that way since middle school, and it’ll be that way til the end of time”

“Major harsh, dude,” Drew pipes up.

“Whatever,” You get up and grab your backpack. “I’m going home, see you bozos tomorrow.”

You know why it bothers you so much, but you didn’t think you went that far. Hell, even Ward said something, but you were the one who was being “major harsh”? You roll your eyes as you stomp off to your house.

“Major harsh, my ass,” you murmur to yourself.

—

Tomorrow comes faster than you’d like. It wasn’t like you blew up on the guys, but you were pissed that you had been shut down. You kind of wanted to avoid them and go straight to class, but when you exit your house you see Rodricks van. The ride to school was pretty quiet except for the “good morning,” you all exchanged amongst yourselves.

“You were right,” Rodrick nudges you. When you give him a confused look, he goes on, “Heather is never gonna want me, and I’m taking myself off the market for other babes.”

“Oh, all those poor girls, saved,” you chuckle. Now you kind of feel bad, “but seriously, my bad if I went too far with what I was saying. I don’t have an excuse for what I said, but I am sorry.”

“Nah, I needed that good kick in the ass so I could wake up. Thanks, bro.” He playfully punches your shoulder.

“No problem, bro.”

As we pull up to school, you see Heather and her friends around their red convertible bug. You didn’t know whose it was, it was passed around more than a blunt in your group. Every morning they were there, and every morning Rodrick went to talk to them, talk to her, like clockwork.

“So are we skipping today, boys?” Rodrick suggests.

In a unison of ‘Hell Yea’s, you were the voice of reason. “Fuck no.”

They all groan, as they usually do when you’re right. We’re walking away from the van as you explain, “Y’all don’t have enough brain cells or credits to afford to skip. If yall want to blow this place, ya gotta graduate. You don’t even have to have honors.”

“Whatever, nerd,” Rodrick shoves you with a chuckle. “You can be a suck up and stay all day, but we’re outta here.”

“You can suck up on my balls, jackass,” you laugh and shove him back.

“You’d love that, wouldn’t you?” he shoves back.

“You’d love that!” but you don’t push him, you look in front of you.

You expected to see the red car, but you saw the stairs. You had passed the car?

You look behind you, and you still see the group talking about someone cheating on someone’s boyfriend, but you notice Heather Hills looking at you.

This wasn’t the first time Rodrick had ignored Heather for you, but that was at lunch. He always talked to her in the morning. You don’t know why, but you knew that this was her last straw.

When you had first moved here, you weren’t on her radar until you had talked to him. She was just standing off to the side and you didn’t realize it then, but he was just talking to her and stopped to talk to you. You could feel her glare, but when you looked at her she gave you a sugary sweet smile. That wasn’t the last time you would see that fake smile, but after this morning you knew it would be.

—

“I don’t know what you told him, but you need to untell him.”

The voice wasn’t unfamiliar to you, but you weren’t used to it being directed at you.

“Hi, Heather, how are you on this beautiful day?” You smile at her, though it was probably closer to a grimace.

“Cut the shit, you heard me.” She growls as you put your stuff in your locker.

“Why does it have to be me saying anything to him? Maybe he actually grew some balls and a brain.”

“You’re like a lost puppy around him, of course you said something.”

“Well, Heather,” you huff as you drop your bag and face her, “he used to follow you around like a lost puppy and I got sick of it because you were using him. I don’t know why it bothered me so much, but it did, so I told him that.”

“I know why,” she leans closer to your face with a whisper. “It’s because you’re a gay little bitch who hopes he looks in your direction but he wouldn’t even spit near you. I see how you look at him, but just remember he looks at me like that.”

“Ok,” you roll your eyes. “Why do you care so much? You admitted several times that you don’t like him.”

“He needs to like me, not the other way around. It gives other guys the idea that they can be with me and I can get gifts out of it. So if you don’t fix this, I can get so much dirt on you it’d make your head spin.”

“I think the bleach fumes are finally getting to your brain,” you scoff, trying not to seem nervous. You didn’t think that she could get to your secret, but that bitch has power in high places. But you had come so far without being outed, so you didn’t think it’d happen this close to your escape. “I don’t know what to tell you. I’m not gonna do that because you’re a bitch who doesn’t deserve any attention.”

She slams your locker in your face, “You’ll regret that.” And as she walks away you roll your eyes and mumble a “bitch”.

She doesn’t even want him, but I can’t have him? Whatever, bitch.

—

You decided to keep your little interaction from Rodrick and the gang because you knew it’d open up a) what she could find on you and b) did Heather actually like Rodrick and she’s lying? You just let them lead the conversation as you try to rationalize with yourself.

How would she find out your trans? You’ve been stealth for a year and your school medical records are locked up tight. She can’t out anything but you being gay and even that was a little chest tightening. At least you’ll still be a man, even if it was a gay one. Being outed as trans could shatter people’s perception of you and you’ll be that weird “girl” again.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Rodrick asks you and you realize you’re the only two in the van now.

“Nothing, just exhausted. I need to be asleep right now,” you pretend to rub your eyes.

“Whatever you say, dude,” he sighs, but puts his hand on your shoulder and looks you in the eyes. “I’m here whenever you wanna talk, you seem to have a lot on your mind.”

It makes you freeze. It’s not like he isn’t always like this, he’s your best friend, but it doesn’t help after your conversation with Heather. He does this with every guy in the group, he may put on a front of being a dick to his brother, Greg, but he really cares for his friends. You have to convince yourself that this was just that, nothing more.

“Eyes on the road, weirdo,” you shrug his arm off with a nervous laugh. “I told you I was fine, I’m just tired.”

“Ok, dude,” he rolls his eyes.

Before you know it, he drops the rest of the guys off at their houses. You’re usually the last one to get dropped off since more often than not you’re the first one to be picked up. But when Rodrick passes your house, you have more than a few questions.

“Where the hell are you taking me?” You sigh.

“Obviously you won’t tell me what’s actually wrong, so we’re going to hang out til that frown turns upside down!” He smiles as he passes his house, too.

“How did I become friends with such a cornball? Aren’t you supposed to be the resident bad boy, go back to that.”

“You know you love me,” he smirks.

More than you know, that’s the reason I’m in this mess! You almost say, but stick with, “Sure, whatever you say.”

You know exactly what he’s going to do, you guys do it every time one of y’all are going through it. Head to the gas station to get slushies and snacks, then go out to your favorite clearing in the woods. He even does it with Greg sometimes, even though he likes to act like he hates his younger brothers.

“Isn’t the point of a slushy to mix all of the flavors together?” Rodrick rolls his eyes.

“We have this conversation every time we come here, I get two flavors that compliment each other! All of those flavors confuse your mouth and you lose taste buds.”

“You lie just like my mother, which means you lie like shit.” And for that you slap his shoulder. “OW!”

“Don’t talk about Susan like that!” You say, jokingly offended. You go to hit him again, but he grabs your hand.

“You’re a fucking nut case.”

“OMG!” You hear an all too familiar voice excitedly yelp. “I thought I heard your voice!”

“Oh, hey Heather.” Rodick turns to talk to her, forgetting to let go of your hand. “What are you doing in here?”

“My friends wanted to stop in here to get some junk.” She waves her hand behind her and rolls her eyes. “I obviously don’t eat stuff like that, I mean, look at me.” Rodrick doesn’t even glance down when she motions at herself.

“Good for you, me and (Y/N) are actually in here for some snacks, too.”

She finally looks at you, and then at you and Rodricks combined hands. You squirm under her stare and take your hand out of Rodricks. He looks at you in seeming confusion, but doesn’t say anything.

“I didn’t see you there, hey (Y/N)!” She has a smile on her face, but you can see in her eyes the amount of hatred she has for you.

“Hey, Heather…” You almost whisper, and then turn to seem busy with your slushy.

“Well, we should get out of here, bye Heather.”

“Oh, yeah, I think my friends went back to the car, so I should head out, too.” She turns to leave, but looks back over her shoulder and waves seductively. “Bye, Rodrick!”

When you hear the front door bell ring, you finally release the breath you had been holding in. “Holy shit,” you whisper to yourself.

“What was that?” Rodrick turns to you with a smile and points behind him. “She’s never willingly came up to me unless she needs something. And she just wanted…conversation?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” You paint on a smirk even though your heart is racing. She had seen you with Rodrick, holding hands (completely his fault!), and he couldn’t be any less interested in her! You just know your fate is sealed.

“Well, let’s get this shit paid for and go.” He grabs up your food and you grab the slushies.

With everything paid for, you guys hop back into the van and head into the trail a few blocks down. It wasn’t anything official, but you hadn’t gotten in trouble for being out here, so yall just kept going.

You park the van and head into the back, opening the doors for some fresh air.

“So are you ready to tell me what’s up?” Rodrick asks after a few sips of his slushy abomination.

“I told you that I’m just exhausted.” You keep up your front.

“And I told you that you lie like my mom,” he sighs. “So you might as well just spill it.”

“It’s just something that me and my family have to deal with, you don’t have to worry about it!” You know if you bring your family into it, he’ll stop pushing it because he knows your parents don’t play.

“Ok, ok, I’ll let it go.” He raises his hand in defense.

You don’t respond, and you guys are submerged into silence once again. You exchange looks when you don’t think the other is looking, but besides that you take in the forest around you.

Heather could never experience these moments with Rodrick and understand how precious it is. Rodrick has always been the weird “bad boy” (people literally only say this because of his clothes and that makes you roll your eyes) who some of the girls wanted but if it got out they did like him, they’d be made fun of. You see how some of the girls look at him when he isn’t looking, and it hurts your heart. You know they have more of a chance than you ever would.

But with you, he was never like this. He was the goofy, caring friend who’d drop everything if you said the word. Heather only sees him as an object that gives her affection, but you see him as he truly is; a guy who loves and just wants it back. He just wants to be seen.

“Y’know you’re my best friend, right?” You blurt before you can think about it.

“Only took you a year to be genuine about it,” he nudges your shoulder.

“What?”

“The ferris wheel.” He states like you’re just supposed to know. And you do.

“You still remember that?” You gape.

“Anyway, yes I am your best friend, just like how you’re mine.” He grins at you, and then he drops it, “you’re not planning anything are you?”

“Oh my god, a guy can’t express his appreciation for his best friend?” You throw your hands up.

“I’m watching you,” he squints his eyes and points at you.

You get a text from your mom wondering where you are, and that’s the end of your little outing with Rodrick.

When he drops you home, Heather is the furthest thing from your mind, even though you know holding Rodricks hand (even though it wasn’t even purposely!) would be a slight against you.

—

Over the next two weeks, Heather's empty threat went to the back burner of your mind. If she wanted to out you, it would’ve happened by now. I’m safe, you sighed in relief.

Rodrick continued not to go up to her in the morning, but if she talked to him he definitely talked back. It seemed to calm her attitude toward you now, but it still was a hot seat around her. Like now, she’s passing around flyers for her party this weekend and intentionally passed by you.

“Rodrick, you’re definitely coming to my party this weekend, right?” She bats her eyelashes. “I need your band Soiled Diper to play!”

“It’s Löded Diper,” you correct and she glares at you, “and when have you ever wanted us to play anywhere near you?”

“Us?” She scoffs at you. “I just want the main band, not some wannabe.”

“Woah,” Rodrick stops her. “(Y/N) is an actual part of the band, so no him, no band.”

“Him? If that’s what you wanna say, sure.” And to the untrained ear it could just be her upset that he isn’t going along to exclude you, but you know what she means. As you perk up and look in her eyes, she’s already looking at you with a knowing smirk.

She knows. FUCK how does she know?

“I’m fine with not going, Rod,” you try to sway him. This cannot be fucking happening.

“No, it’s either all of us or none of us.”

Of course now he wants to be a fucking hero right now. He doesn’t get that this is social suicide FOR ME! Social homicide? Not important right now.

“Ok,” she has that sugary sweet fake smile. “Don’t come, then. Remember what I said.”

That last part was for you, you know it, and your blood runs cold. Fuck.

The rest of the day you’re on the edge of your seat, thinking what she might do. How the fuck did she even find out? You weren’t on social media much pre-transition, so barely any photos of you before exist. And like you said, your medical records were locked up tight.

Whatever, you try to convince yourself. She won’t do anything! She would’ve already.

You make it home with no one running around talking about your biggest secret, so your anxiety has allowed you to breathe again.

You decide to finally talk to your mom about this because who else will understand?

“You’re right to be afraid, but you’re also right about her doing it when she finally found something on you.” Your mom rubs your hair as you lay in her lap.

“It’s like I can’t get into her mind and I seriously want to. Like what is she planning?” Your thoughts literally won’t shut up. You haven’t had to worry about stuff like this for close to 2 years, and now its like your whole world is about to collapse

“For her sake, I hope nothing because I’m not above beating a little girl's ass!” And you know she’s being for real. Your mom doesn’t play around.

“Mom,” you roll your eyes.

“So, she thinks you like Rodrick…What’s up with that?”

“You know the answer if you’re asking,” you sigh.

“Do you want any advice on that? I say you should go for it.” Your mom shrugs.

“Absolutely not, because if this does come out I don’t want him weirded out by me being trans and gay.” You don’t even know if you are gay gay, but you know it’d make you that if you ask him out.

“I think you’re safe, but if something does blow, I’m in your corner.” She holds up her fist playfully to show it.

“Thank you, Mom.” You finally felt at peace with the whole thing. You trust your mom and feel like it will all blow over.

If only you knew.

The next morning, you walk with a pep in your step. You decide to walk to school, texting Rodrick you didn’t need a ride. It took a little longer to walk than drive, so you knew they’d beat you there.

When you finally showed up, people were staring at you, but it didn’t bother you much. People looked at you and the gang weirdly all the time, it just happened. It was when you finally made your way inside that all hell broke loose.

Random whispers were rampant through the hall, but when you walked by it would stop. Whatever, they were probably just talking about what you were wearing like always. You shrugged and went to find the guys.

You were right in front of them in the cafeteria and about to speak when that sugary voice stopped you, “Hey, [Redacted]!” It exclaimed.

You could’ve thrown up right then and there. You whip around to face Heather, “What the hell did you just call me?”

“Should I tell her or are you guys going to be good friends?”

“Guys, what is she talking about?” You turn to them and the look on their faces say it all.

They Know. Everyone knows.

Ben turns his phone around and you have to will yourself to not spill your breakfast out onto the concrete. It’s a screenshot from one of your parents' private Facebooks from two or three years ago with a title that stated your deadname.

The “girl” in the picture was going to homecoming, and it was obvious that it was you. Your face was softer, caked with makeup, and your hair was longer. The caption had your name and said that you were indeed going to homecoming.

“This picture was private, how the fuck?” You were whispering to yourself. You’re frozen in place, you can’t look anywhere but Ben’s phone.

“How could you hide this from your friends?” Heather fake gasps. “Pretending to be a boy? Going into the boys bathroom and locker room? What a freak!” and her whole group laughs. When you didn’t respond, she kept going, “Like, can you guys believe it? She’s pretending to be a boy to get close to you, and I even heard she had a little crush on one of you!”

That made you bark out a sob. Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy-

“It’s crazy! Right, Rodrick?” and that snaps you out of it.

You glance at him, and he looks angry. Probably at you for lying to him. You darted away, looking for an exit because all you can think about is going home. You hear your name called after you, but you don’t care.

—

“What the hell are you doing home? Classes literally just started.” Your mom asks as she’s cuddled up with your dad. You don’t answer her, and just run up to your room, sobbing.

“Woah, woah woah, hey!” They get up to go after you.

When you get to your room, you don’t close your door knowing they’re after you. You shut your phone down and just throw yourself onto your bed, trying to stop your tears.

“Son, what’s wrong? What happened at school?” My dad knocks on the open door.

“Heather Hills,” you say through your pillow. Even if your dad didn’t get it, your mom did.

“She didn’t…”

“She did though, Mom!” You cry out, turning to face them. “She outed me to the whole school! She somehow found one of your Facebooks, got into it and found an old picture of me going to homecoming, and she shared it with the whole school!”

“Are you serious?” Your dad balls up his fist.

“Not only that, but she said that I was pretending to be a guy! Said I was doing it to get close to Rodrick, basically told him I liked him, and made me seem like this big ass weirdo!”

“We need to do something about this,” your mom says, and she sounds pissed. “This has to be some sort of harassment!”

“Your mother is right, we need to contact the school-”

“NO, please,” you start. “What’s done is done, I don’t want this bigger than it is!”

“(Y/N)!-”

“Mom, please listen to me!” You’re exasperated at this point. “Heather has the whole school behind her. Her parents are RICH, so if we try to do anything, it’ll just make everything worse!”

“I don’t give a fuck about her parents! She hurt my baby and she needs to be held accountable!”

“I don’t want to be in the middle of any more drama!” You groan. “I just want to figure this out quietly and on my own. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it and I just want to be left alone!”

“Ok, ok,” your dad sighs and puts a hand on your head. “If that’s what you want, we won’t push it,” he turns to your mom, “won’t we?”

“Yea, I guess,” she rolls her eyes, but gives a weak smile. “But at any point you need any help or she does anything else, we’re in your corner.”

“Thank you for understanding.”

“Get some rest, son,” your dad pats your shoulder. “You look like you need it.”

“I’ll try.”

But you knew you weren’t going to be able to sleep. You avoid your phone because you didn’t want to be contacted by anyone, but especially Rodrick. You didn’t want to know his disgust with you, didn’t want to know how much he thought that Heather was right.

Without the distraction of your phone, your room and the house was too quiet. You could hear your parents downstairs, trying not to be angry about your situation and watching television. Your mind keeps replaying you looking at Ben’s phone, ears ringing in anger and worry. You’re so horrified, afraid you’ve lost all of your friends. You were supposed to graduate without anyone finding out. What was the point of a fresh start if you were just gonna have to deal with all that you wanted to avoid at your old home?

You hear someone knock on your front door, and even being that far away from it you heard Rodricks voice. This time you can’t stop your stomach from lurching and you run to the bathroom.

As you flush the toilet, you hear the door close and footsteps up the stairs. That makes you pray on the bathroom floor to anything that could hear you to not make you talk to him yet.

“Hey, baby, you alright?” Your mom’s voice fills you with relief and seems to calm your stomach.

“No,” you say truthfully. You didn’t feel like lying right now, “I feel like everything is over for me.”

“You heard him, didn’t you?”

“Not what he said, but I heard his voice,” you admit.

“Then I think you should answer your phone.” And with that, she leads you back to your room, kisses your forehead, and goes back downstairs.

—

You don’t turn your phone back on until the next day. You still felt sick, and no matter how much you tried to eat you just couldn’t. You stayed home from school and your parents didn’t argue, but they still had to go out for work. Not a full trip, but they had to go to the next town over.

You had less messages than you thought you would, but it’s still crazy. Drew, Ward, Chris, Ben, and even Bill messaged you, but you didn’t care about all of them because one name caught your eye. Rodrick.

It was four messages; are you home??, answer me!, i’m coming over. were the first three, but the last message was a video.

It starts staring at the floor, and then it’s pointed to a group of people. You can make out you, the gang, and Heather behind you. You take off running, but the recording doesn’t stop there.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Rodrick stands up and gets in Heather's face.

“What?” she laughs in disbelief.

“You heard what I said!”

“Are you seriously defending her over me? I thought you liked me?!” You can hear the fakeness in her voice.

“That was before you decided to spread lies about my friend! He has done nothing to you!” the emphasis on the “he” makes your eyes widen. “You’re gonna stop talking shit about my best friend to my face! You’re such a fake bitch! I don’t know how I ever liked you…”

“Don’t tell me you’re seriously picking her over me? You must be more homo than her to like that wannabe boy.”

“Are you fucking serious?” The rest of the guys pipe up and start to surround Heather.

“He is a guy, and if you think anything other than it, you must be stupider than I thought,” Ben steps up.

“And so what if I like him? Just know I don’t like you, not anymore.” Rodrick is the angriest you’ve ever seen him, it’s kind of hot scary.

“Whatever, you’re all just losers. Lets go,” she turns and walks off with her crew.

That’s where the video ends.

You couldn’t stop rewatching it in amazement. He had stood up to Heather Hills for you without hesitation. Had said he liked you to Heather Hills. To basically the entire school, if this video has already gone around.

You debate whether or not you wanted to talk to him, but your need for your best friend wins over your need to hide. You slip on your shoes and head out.

You live a little over 5 minutes away from Rodrick even though he drives you guys everywhere. You know you could’ve told him to come over to your house, but it’s nice to finally get some fresh air. Plus, his mom was always nice to see when you went over his house.

When you get there, you see his van parked in the driveway near the garage. You have to hype yourself up to knock on the front door, but once you do it’s like a wave of nausea comes crashing over you.

I can’t do this, oh my god. What have I-

Before you can finish your thoughts, the door opens. You half expect it to be Rodrick, but it’s just Greg.

“Hey, kid.” You do a little wave as if you haven’t met him before. Whenever you come over, you tend to see Greg and Rowley, too. Most of the time they’re just in the living room, but they sometimes come up to the attic just to get chewed out by Rodrick, especially when it’s just you two up there.

“Hey, (Y/N),” he smiles, “where’ve you been?”

“Yknow.” You wring your hands. “Around.”

You can barely get words out. Does Greg know? Did Rodrick tell his family about what his best friend is?

“Rodrick should be upstairs in his room.” Greg moves out of the way so you can step into the house. “He’s been moping up there since yesterday, I don’t even think he’s left it today.”

“He didn’t go to school?” It’s not surprising, he’s always skipping, but you know it’s because of what went down yesterday.

“Nope,” Greg shakes his head. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you guys, because he only acts like this when he can’t see you, but I think you guys will work it out. It’s like me and Rowley, just less romantical.”

“W-what-” you sputter out. “I don’t-”

“Sure, whatever you want to tell yourself.” Greg cuts you off with an eye roll. “Like I said, he’s upstairs.”

“Thanks, kid.” Your face is on fire.

And with that, you mount the stairs to the attic. Is your crush on Rodrick really that obvious that even his family can see it? And with the way Greg was talking it seems to be reciprocated. You heard it come out of Rodrick’s own mouth, but what if he just said that so Heather could leave you alone?

You’re in front of his door before you can finish your thoughts. You knock, ready to get this over with.

“Mom, I told you I’ll be ok, just leave me alone!” You hear him call out.

“Not your mom, last time I checked.” You say, a soft smile grows on your face from hearing his voice.

You hear him leap up off of his bed and trip over something, but it doesn’t seem to phase him as he runs to open the door.

“(Y/N),” he breathes out.

“Hey,” you can barely look him in the face. “Can I come in?”

“Yea, yea, come in!” He pulls you through the door.

Once in his room, it’s like you’ve never set foot in it. You don’t know what to do, where to sit. It all feels new to you for some reason.

“Dude, just sit down somewhere.” Rodrick laughs at your newfound confusion.

You decide to sit on his bed, which you do every time you come over. You and Rodrick always sit on opposite ends of the bed so you can look at each other, which this time is no different.

You just sit there, staring at each other. You decide to break the ice. “It’s true, all of it. I don’t know how Heather got that picture, but I was a girl for most of my life up until now. Please, don’t hate me.”

“I’m not going to lie, it made me mad that I had to find out through Heather Hills,” he sighs, “but then again it’s none of my business. You were doing it to protect yourself, so I get it and I don’t have a right to be mad. I could never hate you over something like that though.”

You just sit there with your mouth open. You knew subconsciously that he couldn’t have hated you, but you had grown up hearing all the hatred people had for people like you. You had no choice to be on the defense when coming over here, no matter what you heard.

“I just-” You start. “I just, I know you’re my best friend, and I should’ve trusted you with this, but I couldn’t. I’ve never had anyone but my parents know. Their families don’t even know, that’s the whole reason we moved here.”

“Would you have ever told me?” He asks, kind of quiet.

“Maybe.” You shrug honestly. “I was too worried about trying to survive high school without a slip up to think that far ahead.”

“Oh,” is all he answers.

It’s another drowning silence. You’ve never had an awkward silence in your entire friendship, this is freaking you out.

“Did you watch the video I sent you?” Rodrick speaks up.

“Yea, it was the first thing I saw when I turned my phone back on.” Another beat of silence. “It was the only reason I came over here to talk to you.”

“Did you watch the whole thing?”

“Only a hundred times,” you smile evilly. “I love watching that barbie wannabe get put in her place.”

“Yea, that was great to do,” his voice lowers, “but that’s not what I was talking about.”

“I know.” You whisper and look him in the eyes.

You just sit there staring at each other, and then Rodrick looks down at your lips. It was so quick you could’ve missed it if you blinked, but you saw it. Just go for it.

“Are you going to kiss me, or just think about it?” You try to sound confident, but it ends up a quiet squeak.

His eyes widen, but he begins to inch over to you until you’re pressed up against each other. “Is this okay?” His whisper tickles your lips.

You just nod, eyes never leaving his. You don’t know who leans in first, but your lips are together in a flash. Your grip on his shirt is tight, as if when you let go it’ll all disappear. Your mouths almost move in unison, like you’re trying to devour the other. You can barely breath, feeling like this isn’t real. You dreamed about this moment for so long and now that it’s here it’s like you’re ascending.

You are the one who pulls away first, needing to breathe. Rodrick doesn’t seem like he wants to stop, kissing down your jaw to your neck. While you're breathing softly, you hear a knock at his door. That doesn’t stop Rodrick though.

“Rodrick,” you breath out as a warning.

“Hm,” he hums indifferently. Before you both know it, his door opens.

“Rodrick, you need to leave this- OH MY GOD!” His mother screams out.

“MOM!” Rodrick jumps away from you in fear and shock.

You’re all just stuck looking at both of them staring at each other before you break the silence.

“Hey, Ms. Susan…”

After that you are put through a lecture with his mom and dad. You guys can’t be upstairs alone without Greg being a buffer, door open at all times even with the other guys there. They, of course, texted your parents about what they found so that's gonna be fun to go home to. But you felt like none of that mattered because you got what you wanted. You didn’t lose your friends, and you even gained a boyfriend.

He offers to drive you home, which you take because you want to be close to him for a little longer. So you wave goodbye to his parents and get into the van.

You hold hands on the way to your house.

—

“We’re glad you decided to come back to school,” Rodrick squeezes your hand. “It’s been so boring.”

“First of all, I was gone one day,” you roll your eyes in fake annoyance. “And second of all, you literally didn’t even go yesterday!”

“But it’s always boring whenever I don’t get to see you, baby.” He wiggles his shoulders against yours.

All the guys groan in fake disgust. “Yall are so corny, break up already.” Ben gags.

“I didn’t even say anything!” You throw your hands up, taking one of Rodricks hands with you.

“Cringe by association.” And you roll your eyes in true annoyance.

“Are you sure you’re ready to go back?” Rodrick interrupts. “We could just go back to your house and hang out for the day.”

“I’m sure you’d love that,” you shove his arm, “but if I keep skipping, it’ll be like she won. Plus I’m not losing my straight A streak because of that bimbo.”

“Fine,” he huffs. “I can’t wait for the last day, school is so boring.”

“I thought without me it was boring?” You raise an eyebrow.

“You know what I mean.” He kisses your cheek.

“Yuck,” one of the guys laughs out behind your back.

“Shut the fuck up so we can get this day over with.” You flip them off.

You’re, of course, joking because you know you couldn’t have gone through this without them. After your talk with Rodrick, you all had a group hangout and talked through all of this. They let you know the whole time that they were 100% on your side. They were your boys and you were theirs.

Maybe the rest of the year won't be hell. You got the guy, smited the girl, and even if you were outed, you had all the friends you needed with you already. You were going to be fine.

[shannonthewriter]

As Long as You Love Me

Twilight Fanfic- Reader POV

Part Two

Part One

Summary: A life changing event has you moving across the country to live with a father you never met before and into a life you never expected. It seemed like there was a surprise around every corner that you turned, and still needed to settle into your new home, but finding friendships with her you never expected, helping you along the way of your journey.

Pairing: Wolf Pack Member x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3,084

Warning(s): None

Transitioning wasn’t as hard as you expected, seeing your life had taken a whole one eighty turn, it was hard to tell up from down in the beginning. It had definitely been a strange feeling each time you had gone to the store for something you needed, having the money on hand, no worry of how you would get it, or how to get it without getting arrested. No matter how much you missed your mom, you did not miss the life that you once had. You knew that she wasn’t perfect, and definitely could have tried more than she ever did. Your father was making up the best he could for all the years he missed out on, even if there was no making up for that missed time. He was making sure you had everything you needed, always asking if there was anything you needed, anything you were possibly getting low on.

When it had finally came to the first day of school, you couldn’t push back the panic you felt in the pit of your stomach. This was your fresh start, you only had one chance to make an impression on those close to your age. Bella was a senior, so you didn’t expect to be around her often, if at all, as she had her own life and her own friends. You just hoped if you had a question you would be able to ask her and she would help you out. That first question would have been where the front office was. You had gotten signed up late due to the move, and had been told to go to the office for the list of your class schedule and locker information. Your father had unknowingly talked to Charlie, and Bella and was offering to give you rides to school until you got your licenses. It was a kind jester, that also gave you a chance to ask her how to get to the office.

“Once we get to school, I’ll show you how to get to the office, there you can get your class schedule, locker assignment, and then you should also ask for the bus schedule just in case I’m not able to give you a ride.” You nodded your head at Bella, almost shocked she had started the conversation, but she had once been in her shoes as the new girl in school.

“That all seems easy enough.” You let out a small breath as you began to play with the sleeve of your shirt. “Were you nervous on your first day? When you moved here?” Bella let out a small chuckle, a sound that you didn’t hear very often from the female, but you also didn’t see her than often to begin with.

“I moved in the middle, if not later in the school year, so you could say I was a little nervous. Everyone was very welcoming, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about.” You softly smiled and nodded your head, reminding yourself that this was your fresh start. Your father was the only person in all of Forks that knew about your past, and you were okay to keep it that way. You didn’t know or Charlie knew anything, and you felt if he did he hadn’t told Bella, because she hadn’t started treating you differently at any point.

“Seems easy enough.” You nodded your head as you looked down at your bag, looking at the new fabric. It was the first year in a long time that you had gotten a new bag, not one you had stolen at the end of the school year before summer break. You had everything that you needed, and it made you feel confident. “What about school clubs? Are those something you can sign up for now or was that something you had to do last semester?” You have never been in a club before, so you didn’t know how it worked at all, and you were sure that each school was different.

“Oh, I don’t know anything about the clubs, so if you can’t find anything out today, I’ll ask my friend Jessica for you. I’m sure she will know everything you need to know about what clubs the school has and how to join them.” You smiled once again and nodded your head. Thinking to yourself that you could find at least one club or two to join, help you make more friends.

What club would even be a good one for you to join? Art Club, Theatre Club, Photography Club, Creative Writing? There were probably so many options for you to choose from, you definitely wouldn’t know where to begin. Join a sport? Volleyball, basketball, cheerleading? Would you even be good at any of those sports, it’s not like you have ever done any sport outside of gym class, when you weren’t skipping school. Would teachers be warned of your history at your old school, or would they offer you a fresh start like your father had done.

“Once we get to school, I’ll get you to the office to get your schedule, and try to help you find your first class if there is time.” Bella spoke up after the long pause of silence, you nod your head, assuming the rest of your classes you could find someone to show you around, or that the classes would be easy to find itself.

“I’m sure I can find someone to help if you’re not able to do so.” You spoke, letting her know that you were listening, when you knew you looked like you had been staring out into space.

“My friends are also planning on going to La Push after school today, the whole celebrate the last first day type thing. You are welcome to join us celebrate your first day at a new school.” Charlie had suggest that she invited you, just get it around people until you could make friends of your own. The older man had know that transition that it took for Bella in her move, so he was just trying to help you out as a friend of your father. You softly smiled at the suggestion, and even while it was cloudy it was a fairly nice day out.

“Thank you, I can ask my dad and then let you know if I see you throughout the day.” Bella nodded her head, as the two of you were not big into calling each other, but you also were very new to having access to a phone at all times. You were also honestly still trying to learn how to use your phone. You only had five contacts in your phone, and only two of them were other teenagers. You had your dad and Charlie for emergency, you had Billy as a backup for just in case emergencies, then Bella and Jacob. While you also called Jacob more than you did Bella, you found yourself very awkward and the two of you only really talked about the car.

“I hear from my dad that you have hung out with Jake a few times, Billy won’t stop joking about it.” It was an awkward chuckle that Bella let out, but you were giving her props for trying to start a conversation, even when you two were almost the school, if you hadn't gotten stuck behind a bus. You gave a small shrug of your shoulders, as you just assumed that the interactions was just Jacob being nice and keeping you updated on the status of her car. He apologized for the time it was taking, but you knew he had been working on the Rabbit a lot.

“Yeah, I guess, I’ve just been watching him work on my car a few times, he taught me about a few things like checking the oil and stuff.” It was things you never knew about before, so you were complaining about it. You were just very awkward, as you have never been around the right crowd of people. You never knew what to say, because before it didn’t matter, everyone was always too drunk to comprehend what was going on. “He seems really nice.”

“Sounds like you have a crush.” Bella softly teased, and while you didn’t know if that was true or not, it did not stop the small blush forming across your cheeks.

“I don’t know, he’s fun to hang out with, his friends are funny too.” You shrugged your shoulders, girl talk was definitely a new topic for you.

“Well that’s nice that you’re making friends with some people around your age.” Bella also knew on the small crush that Jacob had on her, so she hoped that with you around his feelings would go somewhere else.

When the two of you arrived at the school, finally able to get around the bus you had been stuck behind. The first thing you noticed was how different this school looked compared to your last school. It was smaller than your last school, that was easy to tell. The parking lot itself seemed to be smaller as well, but still looked to have enough places for people to park. There also seemed to be less students than your old school.

“Total of only three hundred and fifty-seven—now fifty-eight students, what I told myself when I had started here, but that was before the new freshman class came in and last year's Senior class graduated.” Bella offered you a small smile as she watched you look around.

Bella had been nice enough to introduce you to the secretary when showing you to the room, making sure you didn’t knock into the plant that had been placed in the middle of the room. You were able to get your class schedule and they seemed like they would be easy enough to find, the school itself was small enough. At least it was all one building and not a few different ones like you have seen at some school, but there didn’t seem to be enough students to have a large layout like that. At least your old school hadn’t been that large, but at the same point you really didn’t go to classes then anyways. It’s not like you had someone at home that cared where you were, what you were doing, how your grades were doing. This year would be a whole one eighty around from that, and you weren’t disappointed.

“Wow, look at you girl, passing along the title of new girl, now you’re just plain old Arizona.” A male with dark hair had walked up to the two do you as you exited out of the office area. “Welcome to Forks, you have any questions I am the eyes and the ears of the school.”

“Y/n, this is Eric, he’s the one friend Jessica was talking about the one day at the beach when he wasn’t able to join us.” You nodded your head, had now officially met all of Bella’s friend group.

“Ah, man. You guys miss me so much when I’m not around, you just have to bring me up to feel my presence.” He laughed as Angela had walked up to join the small group of three.

“Excited for your first day?” She asked you with a soft smile, you softly smiled and nodded your head, even if you were super anxious, you were still excited.

“Extremely nervous, but I'm excited.” You let out a small chuckle, looking at the paper in your hand once again, looking at how the next year of your life was going to be laid out.

“It’s gonna be great, I’m sure you have nothing to worry about!” Angela seemed to hold enough excitement for the both of you, but her excitement also was starting to feel contagious.

“I hope that it’s also okay, I invited Y/n to join us at the beach after school.” Bella spoke up before something behind the couple had gained her attached, as she had caught the gaze of her boyfriend.

“She was a blast last time, so I’m sure no one will mind!” Angela was still holding her excitement as she spoke for one of the group. Her excitement was quickly cut short when she noticed the time, and the class she needed to get to was on the other side of the building. “I gotta go, I’ll see you guys at lunch!” She called out, kissing Eric on the cheek before she took off down the hall.

“We can take that as the que to show you to your first class, luckily it’s not that far, so neither of us will be late.” You nodded your head before following after her, staying a few steps behind her.

Bella had been right about people be nice and helpful, once you had been shown to you first class by the older girl, you had help by at least one or two people helped you around the school, helped introduce you to other people, and you had even gotten invited to sit with a group of friends at lunch. Things had been going better than you ever expected, and you weren’t complaining. Your classes had been easy enough to find, and you trusted you would be able to find them yourself if need be. You had found someone in at least one person in each of your classes that shared the next one with you, a benefit of going to a small school.

At lunch had been, fun. While school food was school food, but you had felt so welcomed into the friend group you had been invited into. You had even exchanged your phone number with a few of the girls, who were already trying to make weekend plans with you. You were starting to believe what your father had been telling you, that things would be better once you started school. You wouldn’t have to worry about being stuck in the house for long periods of time, spend so much time alone.

During lunch you had snuck off to call your dad to ask him about going to the beach, apologizing for interrupting his work day for an non emergency, and how you knew you really shouldn’t have your phone out during school hours. The older man waved off your apology, and was happy to let to go to the beach, as it wasn’t likely many teachers would give out homework on the first day of school. Your father on the side had been asking Charlie and Billy parenting advice, as Charlie had a daughter but Billy had Jacob who was closer to your age.

“Thanks again for inviting me to the beach with you.” You spoke to Bella as you had found her at the end of the day.

“You’re welcome.” An awkward smiled once again from her, a look you’ve noticed her have often, as you noted how awkward of a person Bella was. “How was your first day?”

“It was good, everyone was nice and helpful like you said, even made a few friends.” You smiled brightly smiled at her as you climbed into the passenger seat of her truck, as the goal for everyone was to meet at La Push right after school. Jessica planned on stopping and grabbing drinks and snacks for everyone.

“See, I told you.” She attempted to tease you, you still laughed to make her feel better. She was trying to make an effort in a conversation with you, so you didn’t want to be rude to her. “Maybe we’ll run into your crush while we’re at La Push.” She teased you once again, seeing the bubbly side of Jessica coming out at the moment, so you assumed she shared the last class of the day with her. And it would rub off soon, or that’s what you were assuming.

“He’s not my crush.” You tried to play it off, but the redness to your cheeks showed you were lying. Ever since Bella had brought it up to you, you couldn’t get it out of your head, and you had really started to believe her on the fact.

There had been a handful of times over the passed few weeks that you tied up the whole phone line for hours talking to Jacob on the phone, the action had caused you father to go out and get a phone for your room so you weren’t stuck in the living room. He also didn’t know how to feel when he couldn’t overhear the conversation you were having, feeling as he was invading in your privacy.

“Hmm.” Bella hummed teasingly, causing you to roll your eyes and turn to look out the window as she drove down the road. It was silent for a few minutes until Bella started the conversation again. “Have you thought any more about learning to drive? Charlie has mentioned about starting a driving course at the police station, learn the safety of the road and stuff.”

“Yeah, my dad has mentioned that to me when the idea had first came up. I think a part of me is terrified, I mean I don’t know how to drive or the first thing about it. Then I’ve always heard that driving in the winter is really dangerous, and everyone talking about how bad the winters here can get.”

“Snow tires are going to be your best friend. I will tell you that, I’m sure your dad will get them for you, depending on when you start to drive and when Jake finishes your car. He’s got some made skills, he’s the one that fixed up my truck when I had moved here and Charlie got it for me.”

Something about Bella that you noticed was how she referred to her father by his name and not referring to him as her dad. You were sure that she had known her dad for her whole life, even if she didn’t live with him for a long time. You had been referring to your father as dad, even for the very short time of knowing him. The first few days had been extremely awkward for the both of you, as you had barely talked at all. Thinking about it, you weren’t sure if you had referred to him as dad to his face. That definitely felt like a conversation that you wouldn’t be having and only bring back all the awkward tension from the beginning.

[ohmaswife]

Bite your tongue.

Kure Raian x Reader

Summary: You need Raian, and there’s no way you can wait.

*AFAB body reader, no pronouns mentioned

⚠️18+ CONTENT / SMUT / NSFW ⚠️

Warnings: established relationship, swearing, fingering, public sex

Word count: ~2.5k

A/N: AHHHH my first Raian fic!! 😍🫶🏻was so nervous doing this bc i really wanna portray him right and not sure if i like this story but AHHHH i had SO MUCH MF FUN WRITING THIS so we’ll see how this goes! 😁 tagging @bokutosbiceps too hehehe!! enjoy & please lmk what u think i can do to improve my writing!! <3 

Masterlist

With one final punch, Raian knocks out his opponent, the poor man beaten to a pulp and dropping to the floor.

The stadium is silent before filling with roars, everyone exhilarated at the fight they just witnessed.

Coming out of the ring, Raian heads straight to you, smirking wildly and staring you down fiercely with those eyes that always make you melt. You’re jumping up and down in excitement before racing towards him, purely ecstatic and so incredibly proud of him. 

“You were AMAZING baby oh my GOD!!” You shout, tears running down your face as your heart swells getting closer to him. You were in the middle praising his strength, determination and incredible ability when he cut you off, grabbing your face and ass firmly as he pulls into his hot and sweaty body, muscles very much still tensed from the fight.

Though the kiss starts intense and lustful he lingers for a minute, the last few seconds transitioning into a loving and sensual kiss before leaving your lips with a final bite and mouth full of tongue.

It riled you up much more than you expected. Of course his kisses always do, but leading the two of you out you couldn't help but realize how fast you’d become wet, feeling the dampness of your panties with each step you take.

His kiss left you breathless, and the way he was pawing at your body made you anxious for him to touch every part of you.

Continuing to walk out you’re just about to tell him how much you want him, maybe even stepping off to the side and craning your head up to moan in his ear what you need him to do to you, when you’re stopped by some men who started talking to Raian, much to your disappointment that this’ll only add to the time it’ll take to get home.

Your mind floods with images of Raian fucking you raw, hoping he’s saved some of his strength from how bad you need him. Having him throw you the bed or against the wall, pinning you down before bending you around anyway he pleases. His sweaty and sticky body is still against yours, his arm around your back and hand grasping your hip, and the heat coming off him makes you even more excited. Making you think about the incredible power he has in the bedroom, he provides you endless pleasure with his insane stamina that makes you restless.

Seconds start to feel like minutes, minutes starting to feel like hours as his conversation is never ending.

What’s even worse is they’ve settled into some stool tops off to the side. Even though Raian still has his arm around you, even he sits down too. You let out an exasperated sigh, growing bored and annoyed trying to figure out a way for the two of you to leave.

You start shifting your weight between your legs, feeling the fabric of your panties completely soaked, and you’re starting to grow angrier at the men preventing you from getting Raian alone.

“Ahem! Raian, we need to go” you mutter to Raian, trying to still appear polite in front of the others though it came out much snappier than you’d hoped.

“Yea, jus’ a sec” he responds, only glancing at you quickly much to your disappointment.

You roll your eyes, and feel yourself reaching your boiling point. Of course your egomaniac of a boyfriend doesn’t waste chances to threaten anyone who could possibly doubt him, but especially when they bring up Raian’s opponent, he starts going into a whole spiel on how weak he was and that he never could’ve beaten him.

The way you’re positioned, Raian is sitting on the stool next to you, the men sitting across. Even though you’re standing he still has his arm tightly around you and palms your hip. Your mind completely phases out their conversation when a lightbulb practically pops up and glows above your head, knowing your genius idea will really let him know you need to go.

With the height of the table the men can’t see anything below Raian’s abdomen, making your plan absolutely perfect. You place your hand on his thigh, rubbing it slowly and lovingly with your thumb, feeling his thigh muscles tense. But besides the slight flex it doesn’t seem to phase him one bit, still nearly spitting in the men’s phases explaining how incredible he is.

You really can’t take it anymore, and result to placing your hand right over his bulge. You watch his left eyebrow arch feeling the unexpected touch, and you internally groan at the feeling of it twitching against your hand, begging for more. You start to palm him right away, his silk boxing shorts against your hand. he shows his shark-like smile and laughs, making the men confused if he’s laughing at them or just in general.

You start focusing on his tip, feeling it swollen and throbbing. Raian stands up immediately, not bothering to say goodbye as his grip tightens around your waist, nearly pushing the people as he leads you through the hallway.

You giggle delightfully knowing you’re finally going home, but he quickly pulls you into the now empty locker room, shoving you against the steel lockers and trapping you against the cold metal.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” He snaps, showing his teeth through his shit eating grin and devious gaze. 

You smile up at him sweetly and scratch your finger nails down his abs lightly, moaning softly as you get lower. You’ve made it clear what you want, you know he’s just asking to antagonize you. Reaching the beginning of his boxing shorts you slowly play with the elastic, but you’re just barely able to hook your nails underneath it when his right hand comes flying down, catching your wrists and clutching them tightly.

“I asked you a question,” he snarls with the same tone. Dropping his head down his rough lips and sharp teeth graze against your ear.

“I said, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

You shudder feeling his exhales on your skin, his voice nearly dripping with venom as he challenges you.

“I.. i-i want you so bad, Rai” you whimper quietly and quickly, impatiently trying to wiggle your hands out of his grasp to no avail.

“Want you so fucking bad baby” you continue to whimper needily, even unintentionally sticking your lips out in a pout from your disappointment. But your pout now turns into a full on frown as he doesn’t respond, just still holding your wrists in place.

Before you start crying from his lack of touch, he transitions so he’s holding your wrists with one hand, the other grabbing the back of your head and forcing your face against his, your foreheads colliding together.

“You want what?”

“E-everything Rai, everything!” You wail, coming out much louder than you had intended.

“Your lips! Your hands, your fingers, your cock, your fucking touch! I want it all!”

“Want it all, want it all” you repeat needily, just above a whisper you drop your head into the crook of his neck, nuzzling your head into it as a silent plea.

Hooking his arms underneath your legs he picks you up and continues to press you firmly against the locker, making you moan and gasp in hopes that he’ll finally touch you.

“What a whore.” He states and laughs smugly.

Shifting so he can support your legs with one arm he uses his free hand and shoves it down your pants and under your panties. Immediately finding your pussy hole, he swirls your wetness around with his pointer and middle, staring into your eyes wildly as you writhe against the metal.

“Look how bad you fuckin want me” he snarls, taking out his fingers and putting his wet fingertips in front of your face, shit eating grin as wide as can be. Returning his hand underneath your panties again he antagonizes you as you try and rock your hips to get his fingers to actually enter you.

After laughing at your needy attempts, he rips your pants and panties down past your thighs and finally shoves his first three digits in your pussy, giving you no time to adjust as he starts plowing them in and out as quickly as he can. Your pussy enthusiastically welcomes his touch as your desperation has grown overbearing.

“God look how much you love this” he laughs in your face once again, eyes wild and ego through the roof as per usual.

He cups his palm so it hits your clit at the same time his fingers completely come back inside you again, and even though you continue to hear the cheers and crowd of people they’re starting to drown out from your high moans and the wet sloshing of your pussy.

“Holy fuck shut it!” he snaps sharply as you get louder, even though he knows there’s no possible way you can as the pads of his fingers slam against your g-spot. As you rock your hips harder that special dizzy feeling starts to fill you as your head lifts to the clouds.

Writhing against the wall, the sound of other fighters making their way to the locker room leaves your ears, your body preparing to cum around Raians fingers when your pussy is suddenly empty, leaving you in anguish that you were interrupted. But your annoyance quickly turns to panic as you start to hear and see the door swing open.

Grabbing you he speeds towards the closest area for privacy, it unfortunately being a small supply closet besides the showers, and still holding you he shoves you against the wall once again.

“You don’t even care if we get caught, do you?” He sneers with yet another shit eating grin. Still reeling in disappointment from being so close to cumming, you think that for a split second you maybe don’t care. But settling down, yea you suppose it would be embarrassing if someone walked in, and you definitely wouldn’t know how to react.

“O-of course i care Rai, i jus- OHH!” You try and get out before gasping happily, your eyes wide as dinner plates as you watch Raian finally slide off his boxing shorts, the garment pooling around his feet before he rubs his tip up and down your entrance and gets it thoroughly wet.

He snaps his hips immediately, once again giving you no time to adjust. The sudden feeling of being filled by him, you can’t help but yelp loudly, the feeling of his cock making an overwhelming heat bubble inside.

“Fuuuck baby, fuc-!”

“Shut the fuck up.” He states firmly, face scowling as he orders you to.

You can hear the mixture of chatter and showers starting right outside the door, and even the booming of the announcers narrating the current fight reverberates off the walls. You try and think of what you could possibly say if you were caught, but the way Raian’s fucking you makes it impossible to think of anything other than him.

He starts grinding his hips in a way that massages your clit wonderfully, making it even more sensitive than it’s been. You let out a near scream feeling his thrusts rub the bead, leaving him no choice but to transition to support you with one arm and use his free hand to cover your mouth.

“What don’t you understand about ‘shut the fuck up?’” he sneers, although contradicting himself and smirking as he watches you struggle to. You roll your eyes both in pleasure and annoyance, knowing he already knows the answer to that question. Dropping your head down you watch as his cock slips in and out of you, the glistening liquid connecting you two surrounding it. He grinds his teeth feeling your walls flex as they wrap around him tightly, your pussy throbbing in pleasure around his cock.

You squirm against the concrete wall as you slide up and down it from the force of his thrusts. He’s so hard and deep inside you that it feels like he’s made his way past your cervix to your tummy, and it’s obvious his stamina wasn’t at all impacted by his fight.

Practically screaming against his hand you can only hope the sound of the showers  cover the sound his head slams against your g-spot, and he laughs in your face watching you completely fall apart. Not at all able to keep quiet, the thin layer of sweat gathering on your forehead as your hair sticks to it, tears pricking the corner of your eyes as they’re nearly completely rolled back. His palm starts to get wet with your saliva, your mouth still open against it.

You hear the showers turn off but every one of your cares in the world fades as you prepare to cum, and the way he’s twitching inside you lets you know he’s about to right along with you. Your only worry in the world is feeling that tension in your pelvis release, and it comes closer each passing second.

“Can’t believe what a fucking whore you are” he says, although it turns into a guttural moan, struggling himself to keep quiet as he feels you squeeze intensely.

You don’t bother to keep quiet as the firework inside you explodes, screaming against his hand and your pussy flexing at the same time as the sparks travel throughout you. The sloshing sound between you two grows even louder as you let out your cum, moaning in pure ecstasy at the feeling you’ve been craving for all night.

“Fucking whore, fucking whore” he repeats as he cums with you, feeling his ropes shout inside you and fill you completley. The warmth of his cum has you shaking in pleasure, your pussy taking in each drop. The two of you collect your breath in unison, Raian finally removing his hand from your mouth and laughing seeing your face completely fucked out.

“Felt so.. so good..” you whimper, mind still in the clouds as you slowly process what just happened. You didn’t think you’d ever risk having public sex, but you can’t believe how excited you got. The thrill and rush of trying not to get caught, being walked in on at any moment while Raian fucks you senselessly.

Taking himself out of you a loud slurp sound emits from your pussy, his cock shining with your combined cum.

You hadn’t expected it, but Raian grabs the back of your head, giving you a long and passionate kiss. Moaning into it you missed the feeling of his lips, but without his hand over your move there was no chance you would’ve kept quiet. Unfortunately the volume of his laughs were nothing compared to your moans.

Letting go he goes back in for another kiss, this time lustful and rough as he lets you down and chuckles in your ear.

“You’re one loud fucking whore, y’know that?”

You giggle in return, not denying it one little bit.

“Your whore.” You smile wholeheartedly, trying to plan how the two of you will sneak out.

A/N: honestly dont know what tf else kinda rooms are in a stadium type thing besides like the food and gift shops?? so yea you’ll have to work with me here 😭 I FEEL LIKE THIS IS TRASH AHHHHH but it’s soo fun dipping my toes in for writing Raian c:

[gothicallybright]

BUT, SHE'S A CHEERLEADER! (2)

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

after the accident, chappell invites you to her house to lend you her personal guitar.

w: suggestive

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Hiding in the changing room, knees hugging your chest, you start to sob. The loud sound of the door opening alerted you of Lucy's presence who slowly walked up to you, holding her hands together. Her usual smirk was replaced with a neutral expression, but her eyes narrowed with sympathy. ''Hey… you okay? I saw what happened and…'' you stopped her. ''It's fine, Lucy.'' You were tired of the sympathy you would receive only if something bad happened to you. ''Look. I know how much that guitar and this whole thing means to you, but you have to understand that no one is at fault here, not even Chappell.'' Lucy tried to explain, but you weren't having it. ''Oh, so it's my fault?'' You were slowly getting annoyed. ''I never said that!'' Lucy snapped back, defending herself. ''You thought it!''

Lucy tried to explain herself once more, but you just rolled your eyes and left the changing rooms. You needed a moment to gather yourself, you needed a shelter which you found on the school benches outside, void of any people. As you sat down, the weight of the shattered guitar weighed heavily on your mind. Thoughts about the broken guitar and thoughts about Chappell mixed together in your mind, swirling around, creating a mess of emotions. You didn't know what to feel, or how to feel.

You buried your head in your hands, letting out a loud frustrated sigh you've been holding in for a long time now. You just sat there, head in your hands, slowly but surely calming yourself down listening to the everyday sounds of nature. The sudden tap on your shoulder startled you a bit. It was Chappell.

''Hey, uh… I'm really sorry… about the guitar.'' She was still in the cheerleader outfit, but the guilt in her eyes was clear. The tone of her voice being sincere. You didn't know what to say, so you just looked at her. As if she could read your mind and upon seeing your distressed expression, she did something unexpected.

''I can give you a ride to my place. You can borrow my guitar for now.''

The words that slipped out of her mouth surprised you, leaving you speechless. You blankly stared at her, like she wasn't even there. I mean, you thought you were dreaming after all. Suddenly, you completely forgot about the whole guitar thing. You just wanted to be with her.

''Sure.'' You managed to stutter out and Chappell smiled at you. Like she wanted you to say yes. You could see it in her eyes. The desperation, the desire. Her keys jiggled as she walked you towards her car. Hell, she even opened the car door for you. You didn't know what the hell was going on, your heart was thumping against your rib cage so hard you thought it would break through.

As you made your way to Chappell's house, the sun began its gradual descent, casting long shadows over the surroundings. The sky transitioned from a clear blue to hues of warm oranges and purples. The drive filled with a soft silence, the gentle humming Chappell was doing acted as a subtle soundtrack to your journey. The sun glinted through the windshield, casting a warm glow inside the vehicle, bathing everything in a soft golden light. You enjoyed the drive, looking out the window.

Then, you finally arrive at Chappell's house, a quaint place with a modest front yard filled with vibrant flowers and well-kept bushes. The evening sun was sinking lower on the horizon, casting longer shadows and bathing everything in a softer, warmer light. Chappell parked in the driveway and turned off the engine, the silence filling the car as you sat for a moment, looking at her home.

''Nice house.'' You point out, like it wasn't obvious before. ''Thanks.'' She blankly replied, getting out of the car and opening the door for you once more.

Awkward.

Chappell led you through the house. As you passed through the living room, you got a glimpse of a cozy space filled with family photos and comfortable furniture. Soft carpets sprawled over the floors and the aroma of fresh flowers gave the space a welcoming scent. Chappell guided you up the wooden stairs, her fingers lightly touching the railing with a practiced grace. You felt a strange mix of comfort and nerves as you reached the top, standing in front of Chappell's bedroom door.

''Welcome to my personal space.'' She said upon opening the door to her bedroom. ''Please, don't mind the mess, I wasn't expecting guests today.'' She added, but you didn't care.

Paintings adorned the walls, and the bed was covered in plush pillows and a blanket, along with clothes in small piles here and there. Books were scattered across the desk, and miscellaneous items were scattered here and there. The pink electric guitar she told you about stood perfectly in the corner, a small island of order amidst the clutter. Despite the mess, you still found the room cozy.

''I'll go get you a glass of water and in the meantime I'll also change. I can't breathe in this anymore.'' Chappell said, leaving the room.

Now, with Chappell gone to grab water, you took the opportunity to snoop around her room. You moved curiously through the space, finding trinkets and personal belongings. On the desk were opened textbooks and pieces of paper filled with random doodles, a glimpse into Chappell's personal thoughts. The messy charm of her room began to make sense as you discovered new pieces of her. This didn't satisfy you, though. You wanted something more… something more personal.

As you continued to explore, you found more intimate items. Glancing through a pile of clothes, you uncovered a small journal that seemed deeply personal. You tried to resist the urge to peek and be respectful, but curiosity got the better of you. You hesitated for a moment but eventually decided to browse through the pages of the journal, discovering thoughts that Chappell might not share easily…

You carefully leafed through the pages, seeing a beautiful depiction of the person Chappell felt increasingly drawn to. Chappell had written about you and even drew a small sketch of your face on one of the pages. You were caught off guard by the intimacy of the journal entries. The thoughts expressed in the journal were feelings Chappell had not expressed to you - tenderness, admiration, a crush, and lust. You had no idea that Chappell actually attended your school way before, you just never saw her around. And you surely had no idea that she joined the cheerleader team just to get closer to you. Hell, you had no idea that she wanted to fu-

''What the hell!?'' The sudden yell startled you, making you drop the journal on the ground. Chappell was standing in the doorway with a scowl on her face, holding a glass of water. You noticed that she changed her outfit, replacing the red crop top with a white tank top and the shorts with some comfy baggy jeans. Her hair was now tied in a messy bun.

She put the glass of water on the desk, hurrying to pick up the dropped journal. You weren't expecting the fact that the journal dropped down right on the explicit page. She picked it up, her eyes sliding across the words, and then down your body.

''Chappell, I…'' She had you trapped. You couldn't even finish the sentence to tell her you were thinking the exact same things about her. You couldn't even form a thought, you didn't have time as her lips suddenly connected with yours. You closed your eyes in a bliss, putting your arms over her shoulders, and she put her hands around your waist. Your tongues started clashing, fighting for dominance and she kept pulling you closer. It felt like you're just going to melt into her. Chappell pushed you against the desk, knocking a few things over as her kisses started moving down to your neck, arousing you even more. Feeling the nibbling on your neck, you knew she was leaving hickeys, which pushed you over the edge causing you to start grinding against her. She noticed your desperation, smirking before slowly getting down on her knees. Your thoughts exploded and you frantically started to unbotton your jeans, but the sudden buzzing of your phone stopped you.

Your mom was calling you.

Fuck. You were late home. You promised Chappell you'll be back and she drove you to your neighbourhood.

Nevertheless, you went home with a few hickeys and her guitar.

Who knew a simple cheerleader could do this to you?

Hot to go, if you ask me.

[wangxianficrecs]

Tell Me To Stay by YilingSani

Tell Me To Stay

by YilingSani (@yiling-sani)

G, 14k, Wangxian

Summary: With heavy steps, Wei Ying walks back to the living room and plops down on the sofa again. His silver eyes travel around the room for a while, mind flooded by memories of sunny mornings, meals and cosy evenings together and all the surfaces they fucked each other on. Then they stop at the door of Lan Zhan's study. If he walked out right now... If Lan Zhan walked out right now and spoke to him, Wei Ying would throw the backpack away, hold his boyfriend close and never let him go. He begs. He begs it would happen. He begs Lan Zhan to somehow feel how much on the edge Wei Ying is balancing right now. "Please," he whispers - the tightening feeling in his throat is slowly choking him while the silver eyes threaten to fill with tears. "Please, Lan Zhan." Kay's comments: AKA the story that made me cry on public transit. Absolutely loved it though. A Wangxian break-up and make-up story and often those tend to bash Wei Wuxian or force him to do all the emotional labour, but this one doesn't. Instead, it's Lan Wangji who has to work on himself and start fighting for them. The worst person in this entire story is actually Lan Xichen, so if you like him... Maybe skip out on this one. Really loved the relationship development here, Wei Wuxian putting himself first for the first time and Wangxian finding their way back towards each other and that not magically fixing everything. Excerpt: He places the plate on the table and sits down on the edge, right next to Lan Zhan. "Sweetheart, you need to stop this," he finally says. "Stop what?" Lan Zhan asks, eyes never leaving the screen. "Working so much," Wei Ying points out. "You're hurting yourself. Why can't Huan-ge help you with this?" Lan Zhan exhales in frustration. "Because Huan-ge was the one who screwed this up in the first place." "You cannot fix the whole company by yourself." "I can try." "Lan Zhan," Wei Ying shakes his head and raises his hand to caress Lan Zhan's cheek. But the other man grabs his wrist, the golden eyes darting up, filled with sudden anger. His grip is so strong Wei Ying feels like his wrist will break in half. "I need to do this, Wei Ying," he says through gritted teeth. "You don't understand. The whole company depends on me. People depend on me."

pov wei wuxian, pov lan wangji, modern setting, modern no powers, established relationship, breaking up & making up, lan wangji has issues, lan xichen bashing, getting back together, developing relationship, angst with a happy ending, therapy, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, good friend wen qing

~*~

(Please REBLOG as a signal boost for this hard-working author if you like – or think others might like – this story.)

[serenefreakgeekao3]

Ambivalent Days

Jim Halpert x Trans Man Reader (PART TWO) Can be read alone, but I do reference part one, so read that HERE if you want to be caught up!

Summary: You’ve finally come out as trans to the entire office. It’s gone a lot better than expected. But now you’re faced with a serious problem- or rather, a serious crush. On none other than Jim Halpert, leading supporter of your transitions and quickly becoming your best friend in the office. But are you willing to risk that friendship just for some silly little feelings?

Tags: FtM!reader, Gay!Jim (for narrative reasons, I think i wanted him to be bi in the first part but switched it around, whatever), implied gay!reader (all i said was ‘not straight’), trans supporter Dwight, peacekeeper!Pam, supportive!Kelly Kapoor, bisexual!Kelly, drinking in moderation, happy ending Warnings: Michael being absolutely ridiculous and attention-hungry to the point that he does bad things (so, like, normal episode?), some general swearing

A/N: This has been requested so many times, both in asks and requests. I’ll try my best to tag everyone who asked for this, sorry if i forgot any! I was excited to write this because I loved the first part, but figuring out where to start was the trickiest part. I hope you all enjoy!  (this entire fic ended up just writing itself once i got going. I had no clue what i was gonna do until it happened so… enjoy lol)

Life was great, working as a Customer Service representative for Dunder Mifflin paper company. Wow, you never thought you’d say such a thing, but it really has become something appealing, something that had you smiling and willing to come to work every single day. Of course, it had its own ups and downs, times when you felt overwhelmed or frustrated at certain people. You still ended up enjoying the majority of the day, and sometimes the rough days turned out to end up better than the rest.

It had absolutely, wholeheartedly nothing to do with James Duncan Halpert, otherwise known to his work colleagues as ‘Jim.’ You continued to lie to yourself, nodding along to this thought process on your drive to work. It was rainy, just like most days, and you were bored out of your mind waiting in the traffic. You just enjoyed going to work, because… Because of all of your friends, that’s why! Sure, that might include Jim, but that also included Pam, and Oscar, and god forbid, even Dwight. He’s certainly grown on you over time, having completely accepted your identity, even defending you against anyone who said anything. You couldn’t be sure, but you suspected that Dwight had even lost a customer through those actions- but when Mr Dellicker had called for customer support and you had answered the phone, saying his name out loud, Kelly had rushed around the divider and ripped the phone from your hand, immediately transferring it to her own phone. You tried to listen in, curious why this was so important to her, but you kept hearing her say the same thing over and over.

“Thank you for your consideration, but we no longer want your business with us. I completely understand that you think so, but we no longer want your business with us. While that may or may not be true, this whole conversation is futile considering we no longer want your business with us.”

Mr Dellicker had become a hushed topic around you, but you had managed to catch a private whisper among your friends one day when he was brought up again. They’d ask Kelly if he had called yet, and she assured the situation was handled. Pam had whispered, “I can’t believe some people’s views on trans people. It makes no sense.” So, while it wasn’t likely due to you specifically, you were almost sure that you were the only trans person they knew. If they were defending trans people, they were defending you alongside it all.

You pulled into the parking lot finally, shaking your head to rid yourself of those thoughts. Mr Dellicker’s whole deal had been a problem a month ago and was no longer an issue. You shouldn’t dwell on those thoughts, you weren’t likely to ever have to worry about it again. You managed to snag a semi-decent parking space. It was only the second from the front, but it happened to be right next to Michael’s own car, and as you placed your car into park, you glanced over to notice he was still sitting there. You tilted your head in confusion, watching for a moment.

You couldn’t tell if he was psyching himself up, or singing along to one of his weird songs. He seemed ready to open the door, then leaned back once more without actually doing it. He lowered the visor on his car, flipping open the little door to reveal his mirror and looking at himself in it. He continued, probably, speaking to himself, and you just shook your head and decided to leave it be. You reached for your suitcase and umbrella, then began making your way inside.

You were stuffing your umbrella into the little holder by the door after you entered the office, taking off your long overcoat and hanging it on the coat rack by Pam’s desk. She smiled, asking about what you did over the weekend, and you answered that you didn’t really do much besides binge the next season of your current obsession. You agreed to tell her about it later, moving toward the break room for your normal cup of tea. You pat Jim on the shoulder on the way, and he reaches up quickly to touch your hand before you slip by. It causes a smile to cross your face as you continue on your path, a happy feeling welling up inside.

“I. Am a girl.” You spin around quickly, eyes widening in fright. There stood Michael Scott, wearing a short, pleated pink skirt with his normal yellow button-down dress shirt, as well as a crooked ginger wig that he had most definitely not been wearing in his car. The room falls completely quiet, and you hear two people put their calls on hold. Jim stands, and you can’t see his face from this perspective, but you hear a hardness in his voice.

“Michael, this is not a funny joke-”

“It’s not a joke!” Michael yells out, crossing his arms. He purses his lips before speaking again in a higher tone. “I’m a girl, and so I decided to say it. That I am.” He looked around the room as if expecting something, but no one moved a muscle. Pam broke the silence, clearing her throat and talking in a tone that was both cautious and unbelieving.

“Alright, so what would you like us to call you, then?” Michael sputtered at the question, throwing his hands outward and looking around the room again. His eyes settle on me, and Jim sidesteps to block off his vision. You can no longer see Michael, but the image of him has burned into your mind anyway. You could feel yourself panicking, your heart trying to beat its way out of your chest. This had to be a prank right? He was making fun of you? Now? After all this time?

“What do you mean- Y/N didn’t change his name when he came out!”

“This has nothing to do with Y/N,” Jim quickly tries to interrupt him after hearing your name, but you heard his sentence all the same. Jim walked closer to Michael, leaning down to whisper, but even you could still hear his words in the silence your boss caused. “How about we talk this out privately and continue this announcement later?”

“But-”

“I think that’s a fantastic idea, Jim,” Pam calls out quickly, circling her desk and corralling Michael into his office. He was putting up a fight, but not much of one. Jim followed closely behind, closing the door behind him. You could see multiple faces turn to look at you- as their current entertainment had been dragged away- out of the corner of your eye, but you were still there, shell-shocked. Before you realized what you were doing, you were standing directly outside Michael’s office door, peeking around the side to look in through the window. You could hear them talking still, considering the rest of the office was waiting to see what you would do.

“No, no, no!” Michael yelled out, plopping down into his seat. “I’m serious about this you guys!”

“Alright, let’s assume you are,” Pam begins, but Jim looks at her with an aggravated look.

“Pam-”

“Let’s assume you are,” Pam repeats, pushing Jim away and leaning closer to Michael. “How did you come to this decision?”

“I-” Michael hesitates, looking at his computer, then back to Pam. “Well, I really like girls a lot.”

“Sure, sure, but sexuality and gender are different.”

“I know that, Pam! God!” Michael starts flipping random pens on his desk, trying to distract himself. “I just like their clothes a lot.”

“You like to wear the clothes, or see them on women?”

“See them-” He stops, looking up to her. “I mean, wear them! Yeah, that’s what it is!” His stuttering and determination caused Jim to huff in a humourless laugh, no longer just standing by.

“What’s really going on here Michael?”

“And,” Michael begins, ignoring Jim’s question, “What was that question about what I wanted to be called? Y/N didn’t change his name when he came out?”

“Sure,” Pam agrees, trying to maintain the peace, “But Michael isn’t a very feminine name. Doesn’t that make you feel a little, I don’t know, dysphoric?”

“What does that word mean?” Michael asks, causing Jim to huff again, moving forward to slam his hands onto the table.

“What is really going on here, Michael?”

“Fine!” Michael yelled out, throwing up his hands, his fake hair swinging around wildly. “I don’t think I’m a girl! I don’t like wearing dresses or skirts or-” He spits, swatting away the fake hair that had managed to catch itself in his mouth, “And I’m so uncomfortable in this,” He pulls the wig off finally, throwing it onto the ground. He stands next, reaching for the skirt he was wearing, “Or this-”

“No, no, no!” Pam calls out quickly, keeping him from ripping the skirt off in front of them. “I’ll fetch you your spare pair of pants here soon, it’s at the desk. Just,” She sighs, shaking her head, “What could’ve possibly made you think this was a good idea, Michael?”

“Well!” Michael huffs, pouting as he sits back down. “Y/N got all sorts of attention when he came out. He became cool, and popular, and now I’m not even allowed to make jokes about him! Everyone hates me now, he took my thunder!”

“You can still make jokes about him,” Pam continues cautiously, raising her hands up in a plea to calm him down. “Just, not about the fact that he’s trans.”

“My thunder Pam!”

“This is fucking ridiculous,” Jim begins, reaching forward and grabbing hold of Michael’s shirt. “That stunt you pulled was mean-spirited and heinous. Do you have any idea how you could’ve made Y/N feel? How hard it was for him, not only to accept himself for who he is but to become confident enough in himself to come out to the entire office? Do you realize how much you probably just put him back?” Michael’s face was terrified, and Pam was too stunned at this action to do anything at first. By the time Jim was done talking, she reached forward quickly and pulled him back.

“Jim, that’s unnecessary.”

“I feel it was completely necessary, Pam.”

“He doesn’t realize what he’s doing, he just wants attention.”

“He gets attention every single day Pam! He demands it, hell, he goes out into the office and-”

“Jim,” Pam interrupts, nodding toward Michael. You watch Michael visibly sniff, raising a hand to rub at his nose.

“No, no, he’s right. I’m a nuisance, everyone hates me.”

“No one hates you, Michael,” Pam starts, and Jim scoffs.

“You’re babying him.” She shoots him a threatening look, and he just shakes his head and crosses his arms. Pam moves closer to the desk, looking down at Michael.

“Hey,” When Michael looks up, his eyes are red and glossy. “What you did just now, was that a good idea?”

“No,” He whines out, drawing out the vowel.

“Good, that’s the correct answer. And why was it a bad idea, Michael?” He huffs again, moving to play with a different toy on his desk and avoiding her eyes.

“Because I lied for attention.”

“And?”

“Because I probably made Y/N feel bad. And Jim.”

“So what are you going to do?” Pam asks, and you can’t see her expression but Michael finally meets her eyes and breathes in a deep breath.

“I’m going to tell everyone that it was a horrible prank and that I’m sorry.”

Even Jim startles at this, both Pam and Jim- even you, yourself- having never actually heard Michael apologize for one of his many failed pranks or skits. Pam straightens up, glancing quickly at Jim before looking back. Her voice was full of surprise as she nods, “That’s right. That’s completely right, actually. Good job Michael.” You could see him smile before looking down at his lap, then back up at Pam.

“Can I do it after I change?”

“Of course,” Pam moves quickly to the door, and you don’t think fast enough to move out of the way. The door swings open wide and you are revealed to be standing there, right outside of it. All three occupants turn to look at you with varying expressions, but they all share a similar surprise. You swallow hard, locking your eyes with Michael. You are about to speak but can feel eyes digging into your back, so you take a few steps into the office, past your two friends.

“What you did just now,” You begin, sucking in another deep breath, “Was horrifying- for everyone involved. I’m sure we want to see you in a skirt just as much as you want to be in one.” You lean forward onto the desk, watching Michael shrink away from you. “But let me ask you, how does it feel to wear that skirt?”

“What?” He looks startled at the question, looking to Jim and Pam for help. None arrived for him.

“How does it feel, wearing that skirt? Why aren’t you wearing a blouse with it? Couldn’t find one that fit, or did it feel too uncomfortable? What about the hair?” You nod down to wear the wig laid on the ground. “Was it annoying? Kept getting caught in your mouth, right? Drooped in front of your face, obscuring your vision?” You leaned forward, your breath coming out harsher. “Imagine you had breasts attached to you- and push past your sexuality. Imagine you had them and they couldn’t be removed.” You whisper this last part, your own eyes tearing up. “How would you feel?’

You hear Jim say your name softly behind you, realizing what you were referencing. Michael shook his head for a few seconds before he stopped, widening his eyes. You nod, continuing your speech. “Yeah, exactly.” You lean back, picking your hands off of his desk to rest by your side. “That’s how I feel every single day. Or, did. Until I came out.” You take a deep breath, steadying yourself. “I became confident because I was finally comfortable with who I was. I’m sorry if you can’t find that confidence in yourself. But don’t try to steal mine. Don’t make a mockery of my struggles.” You turn, heading toward the door, toward your desk- to anywhere but here. But Michael’s voice stops you before you’re able to leave.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” You turn, looking into his eyes. He seemed genuine, but you knew he didn’t really understand.

“Think about why you are. Then get back to me.”

You pushed your way past Pam, who stood in the doorway with shock and pain written across her face, and ignored Jim’s call of your name as you kept going. You wanted away from these stares, this was not what you meant by loving this damned office. You continued past the breakroom, ignoring your daily cup of tea. You enter into your side of the annexe, seeing Kelly on the phone and hearing a whispered but high-pitched, “What? No! He didn’t?” Before she suddenly looks up, widens her eyes, and quickly says, “Gotta go,” Before slamming the phone down. You sigh and walk around the divider, taking your seat.

Kelly has more social sense than most people in the office, you’ve come to realize. It was why she had applied for customer service- unlike you, who had just taken up an ad from the newspaper. So, she knew better than to try to ask you what happened. She remained quiet on her side of the partition, something that was extremely odd, and it almost felt like you were in your own little world, in your tiny corner. Your desk was pressed against two walls, and the partition blocked the other two sides except for the small gap for your entrance. The partition walls weren’t very high, but sitting down they reached above your head. You felt isolated- something you first loved, then hated, and now feel grateful for once again. It gives you time and privacy to calm down.

After some time, you hear a throat clear nearby, and Kelly’s chair roll as she likely stands to leave. You look up at the top of your divider, waiting for a face to come into view. Luckily, it’s Jim’s face. He smiles softly at you, and you can tell he’s trying to keep the pity from his face, but it's not working very well.

“You didn’t make your tea?” He raises a cup- your favourite cup, no less, that no one else has used since your incident with Dwight- and offers it to you. “I figured I’d make you some. Can’t go a day without your tea, right?” You can tell he was trying, and it warmed something inside of you. Trying for a smile, you reach out to take the cup, taking a sip. It was made perfectly.

“I’m sorry about that,” You begin, sighing and placing the cup aside. “I kinda went a little overboard, didn’t I?”

“Not at all,” Jim rushes to comfort you, circling the divider completely to be inside your little cube. He rests himself against your desk, looking down at you with earnest eyes. “If anyone was overboard, it was Michael.” You just shrug, looking away.

“I mean, what did I expect, really? Everyone in the office has been so good about the whole thing. Ever since I’ve come out, it's been nothing but positivity.” You bite your lip, shrugging. “This office isn’t exactly a positivity-friendly environment.”

“You being trans should have no bearing on your workplace,” Jim insists, leaning forward toward you. “I know the world is fucked, but I want to make sure that at least your world isn’t.” You huff a laugh, shaking your head.

“Oh, c’mon Jim. Don’t be too hard on yourself.” You look up, meeting his eyes with a self-deprecating smile. “It’s not like it's because of you that all of this ended up so easy until now.” Jim’s eyes widen slightly, then wander away as he wiggles his head and bites his lip. You wait for him to agree, then narrow your eyes. “You… Didn’t tell everyone to be nice to me, did you?”

“Well,” He begins, drawing out the word and wincing. “I didn’t quite do that. But I did explain that they shouldn’t act any different, what jokes they shouldn’t make about it, and to look something up before asking any questions. If they couldn’t find the answer online, then they could ask me, and then I would allow them to ask you.” You blink a few times, tilting your head.

“But no one ever asked me anything?” He nodded along, sucking his lips inside his mouth before popping them, sighing.

“Yep.”

“Did they have questions?”

“Oh,” Jim scoffs, laughing. “So many.” He places his hands between his knees, palms together. You couldn’t help but laugh with him.

“Like what?” You feel curious but also dread at the prospect.

“Oh, y’know,” Jim shrugs, moving to mess with some pens on your desk idly, not meeting your eyes. “Just the usual dumbest shit on the planet. I told them all they were absolutely not allowed to ask you, of course, and had to explain why sometimes.” You nodded along, huffing out another laugh.

“I suddenly don’t want to know.”

“Oh, no, you really don’t.” You laugh softly along with him, feeling your chest bloom open, your crush developing further. For the second time today, you were moving before realizing you decided to. You stood, then reached forward and pulled Jim into a hug. He had straightened when he noticed you standing, then stood stiff as you wrapped your arms around his shoulders. You hesitated, about to pull away when Jim moved quickly, wrapping you in his arms and pulling you in tighter. You relaxed once more, laying your head against his chest and closing your eyes.

“Thank you, Jim,” You whisper, turning your nose to brush against his dress shirt. He smelled clean, with a hint of cologne that you couldn’t place. His arms were warm and strong- comforting in a way that you hadn’t felt in so long. He moved one of them up, cupping the back of your head as he straightened up more, pulling you in closer.

“It’s nothing,” Jim stutters out, and you can hear his heart beating under your ear. “Someone’s gotta make sure these folks don’t chase you away.” You laugh, leaning back to look him in the eye. He seems sincere, solemn, as he adds, “I think I would be devastated if you quit.” You chuckle once more, shaking your head as you pull away.

“Oh, I’m sure.”

“No,” Jim lowers his head, trying to catch your eye once again. “I’m completely serious. You are probably the only reason I still show up.” He laughs, shaking his head. “I mean, I’m this old and stuck in this job?” You laugh along, shaking your head.

“You make good money here, Halpert, don’t deny it.” You feel slightly upset you had pulled away from the hug so soon, but you had to look at him after he said that. You had to see if he was serious- Jim is hardly ever serious, always joking around. It was part of the reason your crush developed so fast, and also why it’d always remain a secret. He was so funny, making you laugh constantly. But he was also a bit of a jokester, and you didn’t know if he had a serious bone in his body. Today was showing he certainly did.

You weren’t sure if you’d be able to handle it.

You both spend some more time chatting, and his presence is a balm that soothes your panicked heart. He tries his best to make you laugh- which you do, often- and you finish your morning cup of tea in the meantime. You were sure you could’ve talked to him forever if only your phone hadn’t rung. You shrug with helplessness, reminded that you’re technically at work and still have a job to do. You reach to pick up your phone, apologizing to Jim who waves you off. You watch him walk away as you answer the phone, “Dunder Mifflin paper company, customer service representative speaking.”

It ended up being a quick call, with someone complaining that their shipment was late. You only had to find their account to let them know that the delivery was scheduled for today and the time. Once you placed the phone back in its slot, you raised your cup to your mouth before remembering it was empty. ‘Eh, might as well,’ You think to yourself, pushing to stand and make your way to the breakroom. Kelly is back at her desk as you circle around, and you make sure to say a soft greeting to her to make up for your earlier rudeness. She says a polite and short greeting back with a gentle face, still conscious of your rough morning.

You’re about to pull the door to the breakroom open when you notice the back of Jim standing at the counter. He was hefting a freshly brewed pot of coffee, and you couldn’t help but stand there and watch his arm flex as he hefted it with no problem. You didn’t see the other door open, but suddenly Kevin was walking directly into Jim’s space.

“I have another question.” Jim sighs visibly, shaking his head.

“Haven’t I told you enough-”

“No, this is a different question, Jim!” Kevin seems adamant, and after Jim puts the coffee pot away he takes a side step to regain some personal space. “And you said yesterday there’s a limit of stupid questions I’m allowed to ask a day so I couldn’t ask yesterday!”

“You have until I finish making my coffee.” You’ve never seen Jim quite so indifferent and snappy before, raising your curiosity. For some reason, you still stood there, barely peeking through the window of the door, still holding your empty cup.

“Ok, so if he still wanted breasts-”

“Nope.” Jim was already shaking his head, stirring sugar into his coffee.

“Alright fine, but also. Can he sow a penis-”

“Nope.” Kevin huffs in frustration, flapping his arms for a split second.

“Why do you keep saying no to all of my questions?” Jim finishes stirring his coffee, placing the spoon in the sink and turning to look directly at Kevin finally.

“Because all of these questions are way too personal.”

“How are they personal?” You tilt your head, furrowing your brow. How would they not be personal? Jim seems frustrated, running his free hand through his hair.

“You can’t just ask someone about their breasts or genitals, Kevin. You wouldn’t want anyone asking about your dick.”

“Actually, it’s kinda itchy-”

“Nope!” Jim pushes away from the bar, leaving immediately. You’re stuck between sympathy for both of them. You don’t think Kevin actually knows any better at this point, but you also just felt too awkward to even try to come up with an answer to those questions. However, were these the types of things that Jim had to put up with daily just to vet the office for you? Why would he put himself through all of that?

“He’s really trying, you know?” You startle from your thoughts, turning to look at Kelly still sitting in her rolling chair. You tilt your head in confusion, but also shifted on your feet, hoping to play off the fact that you’d been standing there this whole time.

“Who?” Kelly just gives you a look you can’t quite decipher, continuing.

“Jim, obviously.” She sighs, pushing herself away from her desk and standing. “He’s even asked me for help on occasion. Little things here and there, but he recruits the allies where he can find them.” You purse your lips, leaning back against the wall next to the door, crossing your arms while holding your cup upright still.

“Asked you for help? Doing what? Who else has he asked?”

“I knew you’d figure it out at some point, I just didn’t think it’d be when someone slipped through his fingers. Though, Michael is pretty unpredictable like that.” She shrugs with a smile like she’s trying to hold back a laugh. “His main ask for me was just to intercept anyone trying to bother you- most likely to ask the dumb questions. I just had to send them right back through the breakroom over to Jim’s desk.”

“Did that happen often?” She shrugs again, wiggling her head.

“Not often, but a few times. Mainly Kevin, he has a lot of questions.” You nod, glancing briefly toward the breakroom’s door before resting your eyes on her once more. You study her posture, then try to make a guess.

“The other was Mr Dellicker, wasn’t it?” She winces but nods nonetheless.

“He was a real ass.” She sighs dramatically, moving to lean against the wall next to you and bunching up one of the random, typical office posters that hang around throughout the floor. “He was Dwight’s client, actually. The moment Dwight heard him be even a small bit transphobic, he hung up the phone. This, of course, caught Jim’s attention. I mean, have you ever known Dwight to drop a client? Like, ever?” You shake your head in agreement, and she nods with you. “Yeah, right? Anyway, Jim asks, Dwight answered. To Dwight, that was the end of the entire thing. To Jim, however,” Her smile begins growing as she leans closer to you, “Well, he knew that Mr Dellicker would call back to complain. And who would be picking up the phone?”

“Customer service,” You mumble, absorbed into her story.

“Exactly!” She giggles now, unable to hold it back. “It was adorable, really, the way he begged me to make sure I took his call. He actually asked me to call the man first, but I told Jim I wouldn’t go out of my way just to aggravate someone who, as far as we knew, wouldn’t be calling back after such a rude hang-up. But he wouldn’t let up, so I agreed to keep an ear out.” She huffs now, widening her eyes with a far-off look. “Good thing I did, too. He was such an ass.”

“Thank you,” You say softly, bringing her back to the present. She tries to brush it off but you just shake your head, placing a hand on her arm. “No, not just for Mr Dellicker. For agreeing to help out at any point, just for me. For not making a big deal about my whole coming out, for never treating me any different or- just-” You hesitate, shaking your head. “Just everything, Kelly. You’re an amazing coworker.” You watch her eyes begin to water, and she lets out a wet laugh.

“Wow,” She raises her hands, wiping the corners of her eyes. “You’re going to make my makeup run.” She pushes up from the wall, circling you and entering into the breakroom, heading straight for the girls’ bathroom. You widen your eyes at this reaction, unsure, but take a deep breath and enter into the breakroom yourself. You still had some tea to brew.

You didn’t mean to idle, standing near the exit of the breakroom toward the annexe, but stuck in place watching Jim lean against Pam’s desk through the door’s window on the other side of the room. They were talking back and forth- a lot of laughing involved- and you couldn’t quite place the feelings whirling in your chest. It felt similar to jealousy, but you knew that wasn’t it. Envy? That perhaps she was his type, and not you after your transition? Insecurity?

You startle as Jim suddenly meets your eyes, watching him straighten up quickly. You try to act nonchalant, moving out of his line of sight to grab your lunch from the fridge, and sitting at the break room table. You’d finished your second cup of tea hours ago, and you were a tad overdue for your lunch break considering you had a whole host of emails that you usually respond to in the morning, but had to answer during your second cup of tea since you’d been just a tad distracted that morning. You bite your lip as the events from that morning fly through your mind, a whole host of emotions attached to them.

The door across the room opens, stopping your train of thought in its tracks. Jim walks in with a smile, moving toward the fridge. “Hey,” He greets you, scanning you with his eyes while you just sat there, slowly removing your lunch from its brown paper bag. “Was starting to worry you’d forgo lunch.” You laugh, then proceed to explain your lateness. As he sets his own lunch on the table, you begin to wonder if he waited for you. Then your eyes flicker back toward the door you’d been staring at him through.

“So, how’s Pam?” Jim seems a bit taken off guard at the question, turning to look at the door himself before looking back to you. He shrugs, taking his own lunch out of his lunch box.

“Uh, good, I guess?” He raises his sandwich, ready to take a bite before hesitating and adding on, “She’s excited to hear about that one show you mentioned this morning.” You nod along, watching as he begins to eat his sandwich. You take your own small bite, looking toward the door again.

“She’s cute, isn’t she?” Jim’s eyebrows furrow immediately, and you watch him swallow. He seems to be planning his actions in his head before he performs them, placing his sandwich down.

“What?” He looks around the room aimlessly, wiggling his head. “I mean, yeah of course. She’s cute.”

“You two get along really well.” At this he chuckles, shrugging.

“We’ve worked together for a long time.” You both fall silent, taking more bites of your food. Jim breaks the silence with a resounding, “I’d probably have developed a crush on her by now if I wasn’t gay.”

Gay.

You end up lightly choking on your bite from surprise, playing it off with a cough and a sip of your water bottle. You can see Jim staring down at his sandwich at the table, taking a deep breath. “So, I can see why someone would develop a crush on her. If he was straight.” He glances briefly up at you, then back down to his sandwich. You tried your damndest to keep the look of shock from your face, that it takes an extra minute before you understand what he’s not saying. Did he think you were asking because you had a crush on Pam? You take another sip of water, letting your eyes wander away from him.

“Yeah, same.” Out of the corner of your eye, Jim glances up at you quickly, a look of concentration on his face that indicates his thoughts roaming a million miles an hour. You shrug for show, moving your own food closer so you can take a bite once you finish speaking. “I’d probably have developed a crush as well if I was straight.”

You only recognized the signs of Jim choking since you’d just gone through the same thing, as the man turns to cough into his arm as if to play it off. At least the poor man hadn’t been chewing food like you were. By the time Jim finished drinking from his own bottle, and moved to lean forward and say something, he was interrupted by the door opening and someone entering inside. He leans back, looking self-conscious, and you feel such a deep curiosity about what he was going to say that it burns in your chest. You don’t even register who walked in until she was taking a seat right next to you.

“I don’t know how you can stand it, Jim,” Kelly begins softly, and you look at her with confusion. Kelly never talks softly? “Working right next to the receptionist's desk all day. How do you get any work done?” Jim’s eyes flicker between you and Kelly, clearing his throat.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she’s so hot!” You and Jim meet eyes suddenly, listening to her continue to talk in a soft voice. No wonder, considering she was essentially coming out to the both of you. “When I first started and had to work over in that area, I was getting nothing done. Toby had to ask me what was wrong, and I sorta kinda told the truth that I was extremely distracted. He moved me to the annexe-” She pauses here, resting a hand on your arm with a sympathetic expression, “Sorry, Y/N, that’s why you’re confined back here as well.” You shake your head quickly, rushing in.

“No, it’s fine. I like it back here.”

“You do?” Jim asks with a smirk, and you give him a look essentially saying ‘Shut the fuck up Halpert I’m trying to console her.’ He just laughs noiselessly, his chest shaking as he moves to take another gigantic bite of his sandwich.

“Anyway, it’s so distracting. I had to go get something copied and I stood there an extra five minutes trying not to stare too directly at her. Oscar literally had to nudge me and remind me what I was doing!” She groans, letting her head fall onto the table. “So embarrassing.”

“Oscar knows?” You ask gently, unsure whether she actually realized she told you both. She lifts her head with a sigh, seemingly unfazed.

“Well, yeah. Oscar knows about everyone.” You hear Jim scoff softly, mumbling quietly under his breath.

“Not everyone.” This only causes Kelly to raise an eyebrow at Jim, smirking with humour.

“Oh, he knows about everyone, Jim.” His head was quick as it whipped toward Kelly, leaning in.

“Wait, what?”

“I mean,” She shrugs, glancing toward you briefly before meeting his eyes again. “You’re kinda obvious, Jim.” You can see his eyes widen, but you only feel confusion.

“Wait, how many people are gay in this office?” Kelly only shrugs, refusing to meet your eyes.

“Not my place to say.” You nodded along, obviously that being true. You meet Jim’s eyes once again, and you can see red peppering his cheeks.

“I’m sure it’s fine, Jim.” He nods as if agreeing, flicking his eyes between you and the rest of his sandwich throughout the rest of lunch. Kelly takes the initiative in the ensuing silence, talking about everything yet nothing at the same time. Just as you and Jim are both cleaning up to get back to work, Kelly sighs loudly with an eyeroll before looking toward you and plastering on a smile. The look only made you feel wary.

“So, Y/N, what are your plans for after work?” You swallow roughly, glancing at a wide-eyed Jim, then back to her.

“Uh, nothing really?”

“Oh,” She draws out, reaching forward and placing a flirty hand on your arm. “So you’re free tonight? Want to go out for drinks?” You stutter, pulling away from her arm, your head already shaking as you try to come up with an excuse. ‘Didn’t she just say that she found Pam attractive? What the hell is going on?’

“Uh, Kelly-” Jim tries to intercept, but she pulls away as if nothing happened, shrugging.

“I just meant with the lot of us. Jim will be there too, won’t you Jim?” She looks directly at him, raising her eyebrows as if she was expecting something from him. You look between the two as an awkward silence settles before Jim startles, trying (and failing) for a normal smile.

“Oh! Those drinks!” Jim laughs awkwardly, looking back and meeting your eyes. “Yeah, we’re all going out for happy hour at Poor Richard’s Pub, you should join us!” You relax slightly as Jim was the one offering, no matter how weird this entire interaction ended up being.

“Oh, uh,” You hesitate, still slightly wary. There’s obviously something you’re missing here. “I mean, sure. I have nothing else to do. Who all will be there?”

“Just a couple people from the office,” Kelly quickly answers, standing and moving to throw her own trash away. She turns to look at both you and Jim, still sitting in your chairs. “Well, c’mon! We have work to do, people!”

“I know why I’m sorry now.” You startle at your desk, turning to look directly at Michael Scott with wide eyes. You hadn’t even heard him approach. He circles around your desk, motioning for you to stop your work as he leans against your desk- an unknowing imitation of Jim that morning. “If you’re willing to listen?”

You can feel yourself swallow roughly, the beginnings of a familiar panic starting in your chest. You’re unsure what to say, so you just nod. He nods as well, taking a deep breath before continuing. “At first, I had no clue what you meant. I knew I was sorry, and I knew it was because I had hurt you.” He looks into your eyes, regret deep within his own. “But that wasn’t enough for you. So I started thinking.” He chuckles softly, leaning back on his hands and letting his own gaze roam the walls behind your desk. “And when that didn’t work, I remembered something Pam said when she tried to play along with my- well, yeah. A certain word I didn’t recognize. Dysphoric.”

You feel yourself tense, suddenly remembering the tightness around your chest where the binder lays under your clothes. You can feel the tie around your neck like it was trying to choke you. Michael, unaware of your inner struggles, continues on. “That search was enlightening- it was like everything you had expressed to me. And everything I had felt, trying on those clothes.” He hunches inward, his expression becoming stormy. “I felt so wrong wearing that skirt. And you were right- I had tried a blouse on. I bought one at the store that fit and even brought it home, but it just felt so weird when I tried to walk out of the door with it on. So I switched to my normal shirt.

“Then I was sitting in the parking lot, and I knew that the moment I placed my foot out of my car, everyone would see the skirt. I was-” He laughs humourlessly, shaking his head. “I was terrified. I tried to ignore it- like it was just stage fright, something I had to talk myself into.” You began to nod, intrigued by his story. “I don’t know how I convinced myself to get out of the car- I guess something along the lines of, ‘Well, I’m the boss. The ship will sink without me in there.’” He takes a deep breath, patting his legs loudly. “Anyway, I was jealous.” He shrugs, looking at you with wet eyes. Was he really getting emotional over this? “I mean, you did kinda steal my birthday away from me.”

Memories of that night flash quickly through your head. You’d come out during a party- a party you didn’t know the purpose of. That pink quinceañera cake… You didn’t get to taste it, but they could’ve gotten it because it was his favourite flavour? You hadn’t even seen Michael there. Was he trying for a grand entrance? Memories from this morning flash through your mind’s eye, Michael yelling at Pam, ‘He stole my thunder! My thunder, Pam!’

“It wasn’t planned, Michael,” You try to assuage, wincing despite yourself. “I’m sorry, though.” Your apology causes Michael to blow a sigh out roughly, then laugh and slap his thighs again.

“Wow! I didn’t know how much I needed to hear that.” You’re both silent- you studying Michael’s face, and Michael looking anywhere but at you. Then you start laughing.

“Michael,” You try to talk through your laughter, but you just shake your head and try to get it under control. You wouldn’t want him to think you were making fun of him- you only found him ridiculous- so you try your best to calm down. “Michael. You were upset that I ‘stole your thunder’ on your birthday, so your response was to… Pretend to be a girl? Instead of, oh I don’t know,” You try to hold back your laughter again, choking lightly on your words, “Throwing another party?” Michael seems to take a moment to absorb this- then begins to laugh alongside you.

“Well, that would’ve only been easy, Y/N. When have you known me to do things the easy way?” You both laughed again, and you began to shake your head.

“Never.” When your laughter finally dies down, you meet his eyes once again. Staring at each other, it's like you both finally understood. You thought he was just ignorant, but you had been missing out on important information as well. He began to nod, glancing over his shoulder toward the nearby wall clock.

“Well, looks like I kept you long enough. Time to clock on out!” He jumps up, shooting finger guns before backing up. He trips over the edge of the divider, tries to play it off, and then groans loudly when he sees Toby walking by. “God, every time!”

You chuckle to yourself, then begin the process of shutting down your computer and packing up. Kelly skirts around the divider quickly once the door closes behind Michael, leaning into your space. “Let me drive you.” You hesitate, widening your eyes.

“I’m sorry?”

“To the pub! Let me drive you!” You laugh nervously, beginning to shake your head.

“Oh, uh, no. I have my own car, but thank you-”

“If you drink, you won’t be able to drive home.” She counters, raising her eyebrows at you. You laugh again, shaking your head.

“Well, if we’re all drinking, wouldn’t you drink too?” She shakes her head immediately, crossing her arms.

“I don’t drink at all.” You still feel hesitant, and it must show on your face as she sighs and then leans in. “I’ll tell you Jim’s whole deal.” This catches you, looking back at her to study her.

“What do you mean…?”

“I’ll tell you if you let me drive you!” You huff a laugh, smiling despite yourself. “Yeah, alright. But if I don’t drink, you gotta’ take me back here so I can drive myself home.”

“Deal! And if you do, then I’ll drive you home and pick you up for work tomorrow morning!” You laugh again, shaking your head as you pick your briefcase up, finished with closing down your desk for the day.

“You seem excited about this.”

“Absolutely! I’ve been waiting forever!”

You were still unsure what she meant but followed along with the hyperactive girl as she burst through both of the doors to the breakroom. You watch Jim straighten where he had been leaning against Pam’s receptionist's desk, and smile toward you as you made your way to the exit.

“You know,” Jim starts, huffing a soft laugh and smiling in a way that took your breath away, “I was thinking.”

“Oh,” You draw out, smiling despite yourself, “Dangerous territory there, Halpert.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jim begins, laughing again. He takes a discreet look around before reaching forward to almost take your hand, his fingers tangling with your own but not quite grasping. “I was hoping that maybe I could drive you down to the pub? I know you have your own car and all, but I just want to make sure you’re safe with getting home, y’know?” Your face falls just as you hear Kelly’s voice behind you.

“Oh, don’t worry Jim! He has a ride already.” Jim looks toward Kelly over your shoulder, then back to you with wide eyes, pulling his hand away.

“Already?” Jim looks back to Kelly, confusion clear across his face.

“Oh, don’t get your panties in a twist, Jim!” You feel her small hand wrap around your bicep, pulling you toward the door. “We’ll meet you there!”

You take one last look at Jim through the glass doors as Kelly drags you along to the elevator. You hesitate, mind trying to catch up, before you finally clear your throat and look at her. “No offence here, Kelly, but I honestly think I would’ve preferred riding with Jim?”

“You’ll have the rest of your life to ride with Jim. Just let me tell you what I need to tell you without the risk of Jim hearing us.” You both step onto the elevator, as Kelly begins mashing the button for the lobby.

“Uh,” Your mind is stuck, repeating ‘rest of your life’ and ‘Jim’ over and over. “This feels… Is this nefarious?”

“‘Nefarious,’” Kelly mocks, pulling you once the doors open again. “You say the oddest things sometimes.” You didn’t know which car was hers, but considering she was dragging you along, you didn’t have to guess. She pulls your briefcase from your hands, finally letting go of you, and you just stand in place. She throws your suitcase and her purse into the backseat, then opens the driver's door with a look up at you. “Well, get in!”

It was quiet for a long portion of the drive. You didn’t know what to ask, or how to even broach the subject. Did it seem too eager, to ride along with her just because she promised to tell you about Jim? And what was she even talking about- how would Kelly know more about Jim than you? True, you both hadn’t been friends for very long just yet, but you didn’t know Kelly and Jim were friends?

“So, it started when you started transitioning,” Kelly said, bursting you from your whirlwind of questions. “We all got pretty curious. I was the one who had the theory you were trans first.” She winces, looking over to you. “Sorry. I didn’t know at the time how true I was. I honestly didn’t even know if you knew about it, but- well, obviously you did.” You tilt your head, brow furrowing.

“You all were talking about me before we were friends?”

“Well, you know how the office is. You were changing, and people were noticing. Especially Pam and Jim. Pam, who is such a sweetheart and just wants everyone to be comfortable. She had a feeling you were never quite comfortable at the office but didn’t know how to help. Jim found you hot, which was throwing him for a loop considering he is gay, and normally not attracted to-” She hesitates, tilting her head. “Well, we did think you were a girl at the time.”

You nod along, unoffended. “Right, but-” You scoff, shaking your head, “I don’t know if I believe this story now. I mean, Jim? Finding me-” You almost say the word, then scoff softly and look down to your lap. “Attractive?”

“Well, you are hot,” Kelly confirms, and you look up quickly at her. You aren’t sure what expression is on your face, but Kelly just laughs. “What? Don’t look at me like that! You were hot when we all thought that you were a girl, and you’re even hotter now that we know you’re a boy!” You laugh in disbelief, shaking your head. Kelly continues on, pushing through your awkwardness. “I mean, c’mon! Confidence is sexy as hell.”

You look away, feeling a blush rise to your cheeks as you remember Jim saying something similar. “Sure, but-” Kelly interrupts you, continuing with her story.

“So once you finally came out, Jim had his own little freak-out because it wasn’t just a theory anymore. It is true, you are a dude, and Jim didn’t know if he could handle you getting hotter and hotter every day.” You flashback to another scene in your head, Jim saying something similar to Pam and you laughing, accusing him of finding Dwight attractive. Was he talking about you at that time? Kelly’s voice brings you back.

“Anyway, I finally told him that he needed to get his act together and ask you out already, or I’d do it first. Either ask you out for myself or for him, but either way. I don’t know if I could stand any more of him spewing about you, I mean- all I heard was Y/N this, or Y/N that, or ‘Wow he’s wearing the tie I gifted him!’ I mean, that man can talk.” You hold back a laugh, shaking your head. The one and only Kelly Kapoor, complaining about someone talking too much. That’d be hilarious to tell Jim- if you ever got the nerve together to tell him about this little conversation.

“Ok,” You huff out, shaking your head, “You’re asking me to believe that Jim not only finds me attractive but wants to date me?”

“Well, that’s where we’re going now! So you better believe it.”

“Going now- but you’re here? The office will be there, how would it be a date?”

“It’s going to be a date,” Kelly starts slowly, looking at you with a grin, “Because it’s not an office hangout. I’m going to drop you off and leave, and then Jim can take you home. I only did this to get you both together outside of work, you’ll be all alone with him.” She huffs, squeezing the steering wheel around her hands. “And I’m telling you all of this before the date because I don’t trust Jim to admit anything to you without pushing him for it. If I’m not there to pressure him, then-”

“Woah woah woah,” You interrupt, shaking your head quickly. “I’m not about to pressure my best friend for- for some wild hope that he might feel the same. And I-” You can feel the panic again, pulling at the seatbelt around your torso. “I don’t know if I can do this, I didn’t know it would be just us, I mean-”

“Calm down, it’ll be fine. It’s just Jim, remember?” ‘It’s just Jim,’ You repeat to yourself as Kelly turns the car into the pub’s parking lot. You take a few deep breaths, nodding your head. ‘Yeah, I can do this. It’s just Jim, just normal ole Jim.’ Kelly backs her car into a space, waiting for Jim’s to arrive. It doesn’t take long to notice Jim’s car pulling in, parking in one of the front parking spaces, directly in your line of sight. You take another deep breath, nodding.

“I can do this,” You whisper, and Kelly reaches over to squeeze your arm. That’s when you watch two of the car doors open, Jim and Pam stepping out to take a look around. You hear a squeak beside you, Kelly’s hand tightening on your arm. You look over with concern, watching panic written across her face.

“Oh, Jim, you bitch,” Kelly whispers, shaking her head.

“This wasn’t part of the plan, was it?”

“Absolutely not,” Kelly whispers, then moves to get out of the car alongside you. You both approach the other two, smiles on your faces. They finally notice you, and it’s almost like you and Jim have locked eyes and thrown away the key. You’re unsure what’s really happening between the two girls, not registering the words exchanged. You walk a little closer to Jim, smiling up at him.

“Hey,” You whisper, and his smile widens, reaching his hand out in an imitation of earlier, tangling your fingers together.

“Hey.” He glances over to the other two girls, wincing and looking back to you. “I wasn’t sure- is it okay that I brought Pam?”

“Apparently,” You whisper, leaning closer and glancing briefly at Kelly to make sure she’s sufficiently distracted, “That wasn’t part of the plan. She told me she was throwing me out of the car and driving off.” You note the blush lighting up Kelly’s cheeks as she talks with Pam, before turning your attention back to Jim. You hadn’t realized you leaned in this close- or did he lean in as well? His face was next to yours, close enough to share a kiss.

“Shall we head inside? Guys?” You both jump apart, and you look guiltily over to Pam, who spoke. She only smiled in response, throwing a thumb over her shoulder. “We could grab a booth?”

The night was going well. It didn’t really feel like a date like Kelly had hoped it to be, but instead a nice get-together of a couple friends. You all laughed constantly, telling stories and jokes from the office, while also sharing your own life’s stories. No one really talked about their own life outside of the office while they were working, so it was a refreshing twist on things. You felt drawn even closer to the lot of them- Jim, especially, as he couldn’t seem to drag his eyes away from you for too long. You weren’t sure, but you thought it was Jim’s leg under the table pressing against your own. You hoped so, anyway.

“But, yeah, Toby is so weird! You guys don’t get that vibe?” Pam continues, giggling as she sips her mixed drink. Jim and Kelly were the only two keeping away from the alcohol, but you had ordered your favourite mixed drink and had slowly been sipping on it. You knew you weren’t drunk yet, but you were pleasantly tipsy.

“No?” You hesitated, trying to think back over the times you’ve interacted with him. It was more often than most since you worked in the annexe, but he always seemed like a nice, if tired, man.

“It’s cause he has a crush on you,” Kelly nods, laughing alongside Jim. Pam blushes, shaking her head quickly.

“Oh, no, of course not.”

“Well, Kelly would know,” Jim points out with a grin, raising his glass to his mouth and taking a large gulp. You watch confusion rush across Pam’s face, while Kelly’s turns a bright shade of red. She mouthed his name behind her cup, giving him a stern look.

“What does he mean by that?” She asks, looking between you and Kelly, then back at Jim. “What do you mean?”

“Oh,” You begin, laughing under your breath. “Just that Kelly has a lot of experience talking with Toby. He was the one who moved her into the annexe, after all. It almost seems like they have a lot in common?” You end it with a question, trying your best to be vague. Jim almost spits out his drink with his laugh, turning to cough into the crook of his arm.

You hear Pam question, “Yeah, why were you moved into the annexe?” Right as Kelly mumbled from beside you, “Not that much in common. Like one thing.” You and Jim meet eyes, trying to keep the humour from your faces.

The rest of the night passed in much the same way. You still were unsure about the whole ‘Jim liking you’ bit but found yourself pleasantly hopeful. And it seemed like- if that was true- maybe Jim was trying to get back at Kelly by teasing her about liking Pam. You began to wonder if that was his plan all along, showing up with Pam randomly. Honestly, whether this was a double date or just a hang-out with friends, you found yourself enjoying the time immensely. But the night was wearing thin, and all four of you had work in the morning.

As you and Pam were helping each other out of the booths, making sure she hadn’t forgotten her purse, Jim and Kelly had run off to pay the bill. You glanced over at Jim- probably with a longing look since you can’t exactly help it, being slightly inebriated- and watched him lean in close to Kelly as they began whispering back and forth.

“He’s a good guy, y’know.” You look back over to Pam, eyes widening. “I don’t know you well enough yet to know your thoughts on him, but he is a good guy. And he deserves the world.” You chuckle softly, nodding.

“Yeah,” You say breathlessly, looking back over to him. He glanced up at the same time, and you can’t help the smile crossing your face. “I think so too.”

“Then tell him,” Pam insists, and you look back down to her. “He deserves to know that. He thinks he’s not worth your time, apparently.”

“That’s ridiculous-”

“What’s ridiculous?” Jim asks as the other two rejoin you and Pam. Pam smiles brightly leaning over to take Kelly’s arm.

“That you have to drive all the way across town just to drop me off, Jim!”

“Actually, we were just talking about that,” Kelly mumbles, and you smile watching her attempt to hold eye contact with Pam unsuccessfully. “If it’s okay with you, then maybe I could take you home? And Jim can take Y/N.”

“Yes!” Pam practically yells out, and you chuckle softly. You look over toward Jim, seeing him already looking your way.

“If that’s alright with you?” He whispers, and you nod immediately.

“Of course it is, Jim.”

“Good,” Jim says, releasing a breath as if with relief.

“Good,” You parrot, reaching forward boldly to take his hand. “Lead on, then.”

Once you and Jim make it to his car, you both wait before getting in to make sure Pam and Kelly are in their car safe and buckled. Once Kelly begins pulling out, Jim turns to you and leans in closer. “I had a fantastic time today.” You laugh, nodding along, leaning against his car and gravitating toward him.

“I did too. ‘Was surprised that Pam showed up, though.”

“Well, Kelly did say it was ‘the office’ going out for drinks. I thought it’d be fine.”

“Well, she didn’t actually mean the office, apparently. She was just trying to get us alone.” You shrug, smirking up at him. His deer-in-headlights look was gone now, for some reason. He seemed bold, leaning closer and taking your hand.

“And if it was? Would that have been fine?” You laugh again, nodding slowly.

“That would’ve been perfect.” His face slowly loses his teasing look, turning serious- but soft.

“Y/N,” Your name is husky in his mouth as he begins leaning closer, and you can smell his cologne in the air. Everything was so much, his smell, his body heat, his honey-brown eyes as he took up your entire vision. “Can I kiss you?”

“Please,” You whisper in return and meet him halfway as your lips crush together. He pulls the hand not holding yours to your face, lightly caressing your cheek throughout the heated kiss, and you grab hold of his hip with your own free hand, pulling him closer. You can feel him moan through the kiss, turning his head to deepen it. This was nothing like you’ve dreamed of- but oh, so much better.

When you two finally part, breathing heavily, he’s pressing you against his car with the length of his body. You both pant as you stare into each other’s eyes, and your grip slowly loosens on his hip. Eventually, he pulls away, clearing his throat with a blush. “Wow,” He whispers, a smile growing as he looks at you bashfully.

“Yeah,” You agree just as quietly, and Jim moves to open the passenger door for you. “Oh, right. Thank you.”

As you sat down in Jim’s car, ready to be driven home, you can’t help but think: ‘Man, I love working for Dunder Mifflin. Even the bad days can turn into the best ones.’

Tag List: @ltnoscara @zombieboyevan @cursedashes

[vintageandroid]

Gothamite Problems

I think this is technically fanfic? I'm tagging it as such, anyway. I never post fanfic but here we are. EDIT: I also decided to put it on AO3.

I've been obsessively watching BTAS for the past month, which probably flavored my particular approach to Gotham.

Gotham City Resident Problems

You finally get an appointment with a therapist and literally the night before you’re scheduled to go in, he gets arrested for filling a dirigible full of fear gas and trying to dose the whole city so like...back on the wait list you go.

There’s honestly a 50/50 chance of any concert or sporting event becoming the site of yet another supervillain situation. Some folks consider this an extra bonus feature. You are almost disappointed to go to a concert with no incident.

You need to show your ID to buy books of riddles at the bookstore.

You’re absolutely convinced you saw Batman and Nightwing having a heated argument in an alley one time, but no one believes you.

The constant stormy, foggy weather is difficult. The things the humidity does to your hair are unspeakable.

There’s local discourse about whether or not it’s appropriate to read Stephen King’s It and risk normalizing Homicidal Clown Behavior, and you avoid all of it because you’re pretty sure Misery is more likely to happen in this town and you don’t want to let that slip and start some new discourse.

Your teenaged niece is doing a project on child labor and wound up using Robin as an example and you appreciate her making connections between schoolwork and real world issues but you feel Really Weird about the whole thing. She got a B+.

Your favorite local noodle shop closed and was replaced by a fuckin’ Arby’s. Where was Batman for this injustice?

Do you have any idea how costly car insurance is in a town like this when there ends up being so much collateral damage? It’s not as bad as Metropolis, at least. You’d take public transit but that ends up getting blown up a lot, too. Plus the train is always like five minutes slow.

You actually noticed that the butts do match a little bit but you are never, ever going to mention this to anyone.

Your primary care doctor also got arrested recently for some reason or another and you’re getting really tired of this. Could one medical professional in this town please avoid turning to a life of crime? For your sake?

It’s standard to add an extra hour to your morning commute just in case of some kind of Villain Shenanigans. Every now and again you give into the temptation to just sleep in for that hour. Inevitably, there are in fact Villain Shenanigans and you end up late. You never seem to learn from this.

You really liked that new flower shop on 73rd Street until it turned out it was yet another Poison Ivy plot. On the other hand, the potted plant you bought from them has outlived all the ones you got from Home Depot so maybe that’s okay?

Sometimes you’re suffering at work for not enough money and you begin to understand why people keep turning to villainy around here. That, and masks always seem to be available for sale in regular stores. Apparently that’s not a thing in other towns.

Your preferred branch of your bank is closed because the Joker blew it up. Again.

You once had to spend half an hour explaining to your out-of-town friend the difference between Batman and Man-Bat and you’re pretty sure she still doesn’t get it and honestly you’re not quite sure you do, either.

Someone in your neighborhood has pet hyenas and you’re pretty sure they shouldn’t but what are you gonna do about it at this point?

Anytime you go to another city for a vacation or a family wedding or something, you think to yourself, Finally, a break from all the mayhem, but when you get there, you’re surprised by how dull it is, actually. Gotham may have its problems, but you’re a Gothamite through and through.

[ri-writing]

Ri rants about Northanger Abbey

Now that I have finished Northanger Abbey, I'm reading/watching/listening to academic thoughts on it. I do not have a degree in literature, but it feels like a whole lot of people are missing that Henry and Eleanor's dad is emotionally abusive. ??? I'm not the only one noticing this, right? It seems to be The Thing To Do to criticize Catherine for thinking he's a bad dude and I'm here going, "but he IS a bad dude."

His kids are afraid of him. They pull into themselves when they're around him. Eleanor doesn't have any friends when we meet her. At one point, she's scared about being a few minutes late to dinner. In her own house. Meanwhile, Henry's got a massive ironic-humor-defense-mechanism.

Catherine picks up on this. She's aware that Something Is Wrong. Her only knowledge of the sorts of people whose children are afraid of them comes from books and she doesn't have the vocabulary to express what she's picking up on. She's trying to figure it out. When Henry finds her in his mother's room, she isn't immediately forthcoming about her concerns. He pries it out of her. She tries to change the topic numerous times; he keeps coming back to it.

It's not like Catherine ran into dinner and did a whole Grand Detective Reveal accusing General Tilney of being a murderer. She's noticed his children - her friends - are afraid of this man and she's trying to figure out why. It seems unlikely she'd have said anything but-for Henry not letting it go when he found her.

Catherine isn't stupid. She's not letting her imagination run away with her. She's got a bad feeling in her gut that she doesn't understand but her gut feeling is correct. General Tilney is not a safe person. We see this for ourselves when he turns on her and puts her in a dangerous situation. She's seventeen, and has never traveled by herself but he sends her out of the house to fend for herself. He refuses to send anyone with her, so there's no one to protect her if someone wants to rob her or harm her. She doesn't know how the public transit works. She didn't even have money to get home; Eleanor has to sneak some to her. He throws her out and he doesn't care what happens to her. (That she figures out how to get home safely evidences that she's brave and clever).

So basically: (1) Catherine's gut is suggesting this guy is a bad guy; (2) the guy is a bad guy; and (3) the guy even puts her in a situation where she could be harmed. And if something had happened to her because she was forced into this situation - if she fell in front of a coach and got run over or if something more nefarious happened - that's at least partially General Tilney's fault and would mean he was...negligent or even worse.

Have none of these great academic minds ever considered that it's Henry who changes? When Henry finally gets Catherine's fears out of her after finding her in the hall outside his mother's room, he defends his father. This is a really common thing with people who are emotionally abused (I defended my abuser for years even when I knew deep down something was off). Because the abuse is not physical, it's harder to identify. You start to think that maybe you misunderstood or are exaggerating things in your mind, that you're being overly emotional or that you're reading into things that aren't there. An abuser even knows how to play into those thoughts until you find that it is easier to explain away and lie to yourself (he cares "in his way"). Henry knows deep down that his father does not treat him or Eleanor right, but he's lived his entire life in this abusive situation. I wonder how much of Henry's speech to Catherine about being reasonable is actually him voicing the things he says to himself.

When General Tilney puts Catherine in danger, Henry's finally able to admit the truth to himself. Once that happens, he's able to free himself.

That's the book I read. I'm still not sure I read the same book the academics read.

[imaginespazzi]

survived a nivi writing drought hallelujah🙌

"No Mommy," the six-year old whines, poking at Paige's cheeks, "you have to wake up now. Now, now, now, NOW!."

yup that’s definitely azzi’s child

"Top-notch parenting Bueckers. Real wise words right there. Don't breathe, just sleep. Exactly the words every parent should be saying to their child,"

paige don’t know how to act now that she’s adopted stephie ctfu

"Shhhh Stephie-bean," Paige quiets the little girl, her hands blindly feeling around so she can cover Stephie's mouth, "I'm talking to your traitor Mama right now. Can't believe you left me in bed alone like this babe. I thought you loved me or something."

i thought stephie was the child💀 paige get your clingy ass out of bed

continues to talk to her fiancé.

DROP THE CHAPTER 1 OF THE SEQUEL NOW NIVIIIIIIII

"Oh my god Mommy stop talking," Stephie says exasperatedly, tiny hands having finally pushed free so they can cover Paige's mouth,

i’m CRYINGGG stephie’s tired of the yapping

And that's when Paige sees it, her eyes widening as she takes in the graphic tee Stephie's wearing. Her breath hitches, the tears already threatening to fall. It's lavender -of course it is- and on it is a picture, -the first ever selfie of the three of them together, taken on the day before the blonde had, had to go back to Dallas to start making the transition to the Bay and she'd promised a tearful Stephie that she would come back- and above the picture, is a sign, in big, bold, darker purple lettering that says: Happy Mother's Day Mommy and Mama!

okay so i’m tearing up with paige 🥹

"Happy Mother's day Mommy," Stephie echoes, somewhat shyly as she brings the blonde's attention back to her.

the throaty awwww i just said out loud this is so adorable

"When you were asleep," Stephie teases, "you sleep a lot Mommy."

leave it to stephie to clock her mothers

"Stop, stop, stop," Azzi says finally, "or I'll make both of you drink a green smoothie for breakfast."

stephie is also paige’s child out of habit

The little girl gives her a look as she stop by the doorway and points to her own shirt and then Azzi's, "yes Mommy. We got you a matching shirt too and we're all gonna wear our matching shirts to breakfast, duh."

yeah paige duuuuuh

"Every day with the two of you, every moment with you, me and Stephie, is special," Paige whispers, nuzzling their noses together.

i love love 🥰

"About that," Azzi bites her lip -her tell for when she's nervous- as she pulls away slightly.

hold on azzi what are you thinking?????

"I was just thinking," Azzi begins, her fingers fidgeting with the collar of Paige's sleep shirt, "this whole Mother's day thing, it's kinda lonely to plan by yourself you know? I mean I helped Stephie today but when she's older- when she wants to do things by herself for us, cause you know she's already dying to be that independent, it'd be nice- it'd be nice if she had someone else to help her."

NO WAY NO WAY OMGGGGGG STEPHIE IS GONNA BE A BIG SIS YES

Azzi sucks in a sharp breath, "I'm saying- next Mother's day or maybe the one after that- maybe instead of just a picture with the three of us on the shirt- it could- it could be a picture of four people. You, me, Stephie, and- and a baby."

AAAAAAHHHHHH NIVI DONT PLAY GIVE US THE SEQUEL NOW

"You mean it?" she asks cautiously, "you want that? Another- another baby?"

"I want it. I want it so bad baby. With you."

i’m crying again thanks

"No sweetheart," Paige reassures the little girl, pulling her so she's enclosed between the two of them, "these are happy tears. Really fucking happy tears."

paige owes stephie a kiss now

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," Paige apologizes for the profanity, immediately pressing a kiss to Stephie's cheek as penance, "it was an accident."

called it

Paige thinks, she can't wait for that dream to be her reality, for three to become four, for the next Mother's day t-shirt to have a picture of her, her wife, their daughter and their little baby boy.

the “wife” tease which means the marriage and younger sib flashbacks from grown stephie’s pov😌😌😌😌

oh i greatly missed your writing and what a fun way to introduce the new GH sequel i’m so excited

-🗑️

LMAO okay it wasn't that loooooong...

Paige got the child and is no longer trying to win mother of the year lol.

Stephie and Paire are BOTH children to be clear. There is exactly one adult in that household and it's Azzi (sometimes).

I teared up a little too icl like my little family has come very far.

I was reeeeeallly hoping we would have forgotten that I ever said anything about a Stephie's version by now like...(it'll happen)