#there's actually. so much here. i should write a post or a journal entry or something instead of making these tags longer

[makingshortstorieslong]

A little zine about how I (still) have trouble saying the word aromantic.

I've never made a zine before! I was inspired to try it because @queerliblib mentioned a zine making night in an email. That hasn't happened yet - its on June 26th - but once I had the idea, I couldn't wait, lol. It was nice to put something down on paper and have the finished product to hold onto.

Image descriptions under the cut:

Page 1: Three tiny speech bubbles say: "Do you have a bf? Do you like anyone? What's your type?" A big speech bubble says, "Oh, I don't date." The big speech bubble comes from a heart colored like the aromantic flag. 

Page 2 says: I could say: "Actually, I'm... ...aromantic." ...aro." ...aromantic asexual." ...aroace."

Page 3 says: But there are a few problems:

aromantic: Has been misheard as "A Romantic".

aro: Opaque if you don't already know the term.

aromantic asexual: A mouthful! And sounds...scientific?

aroace: shares The Big Problem: it may require a vocabulary lesson!

Page 4 says: It doesn't actually come up too often! Which is fine. My coworkers, my neighbors, and strangers don't need to know I'm aroace. I just wish I could say it sincerely when I do want someone to know. 

Page 5 says: I always have to smile - laugh - hedge. "Oh, well, actually, I'm kind of like, aromantic? Basically just not interested."

It's been more than 8 years since the first time I said it out loud!  I'm certain of it, but I still can't say it like I mean it!

Page 6 says: The most memorable time I said "I don't date" the guy I was talking to asked "Oh are you asexual?" and I said "Yeah, actually. And aromantic." And we moved on.

That was nice. 

Page 7 says:

The times I've lead with "I'm aromantic" -- well, there's only one I really remember:

"I didn't use to think that was a real thing." 

Other than that time -- even if I use the word, I always explain what it means first! 

Page 8 says: I just hope that one day I'll feel like I can say, simply, confidently: "I'm aromantic" and "I'm aroace."

The words "I'm aromantic" are big and dark green, the color of the top stripe of the aromantic flag. The words "I'm aroace" are big and bright orange, the color of the top stripe of the aroace flag. Three hearts below the words are colored to look like the aromantic, aroace, and asexual flags. 

[quitefair]

dont talk to me, i'm shifting into corinth mode.......

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #1

previous // next // story index

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Victor

Hey, everyone! It’s me, Victor. Welcome to my online journal.

I’ve never kept a journal of any kind before, so I actually have no clue what I’m doing. Other than messing around with my friends, recording ourselves doing skateboard tricks or stupid dance moves, I’ve never made a serious video before either, so this is gonna be an experience. I decided to go with a video journal because... I don’t know. I’m not that great at writing. Plus, talking on a video feels more authentic to me somehow.

I’m gonna post this online, not that I expect to get internet famous or really even to have a huge audience. The idea of uploading it is mostly so I don’t fill up all the storage space on my phone with a zillion videos of me rambling about my life. I mean, if anybody wants to watch it, here it is. Don’t expect movie quality. I’m not a professional videographer or anything like that. I'm just an average guy with a smartphone and a lot of thoughts about stuff.

So, since this is the first entry, I guess I should tell you something about myself, right? Do kind of an introduction like, “Who is this Victor guy anyway?”

My full name is Victor Thomas Edward Nelson, I’m 25 years old and my birthday is the second of December. I’m from a medium-sized Canadian town called Maple Grove, which is kind of a boring place, if I’m being honest. I love it, but it’s not particularly known for major events or exciting times. My hometown is big enough to have an industrial park, a mall, a community college and a world-class athletic centre, though. Believe it or not, we even have an airport. It’s tiny and it’s mostly for shipping freight from the warehouses and manufacturing places at the outskirts of town, but passenger flights do go in and out of there too. You have to literally walk across the tarmac and climb a gigantic set of movable stairs to board the plane, but still.

Okay, let’s see. What other random facts about me can I share?

My favourite colour is red. I like food, hanging out with my friends, playing video games, and taking way too many selfies which I shamelessly post on Instagram. Some people say I’m hyper and that I’m over the top, but I like to think of myself as energetic, enthusiastic and adventurous.

I love sports, particularly winter sports like snowboarding and skating. Especially snowboarding! Fortunately for me, I currently live in a mountain town in Japan, about half an hour outside Kyoto, where I can snowboard all year long. I’m really good at snowboarding, even if I say so myself. In fact, I do it competitively, and I’ve won medals. My friends say I’m a showoff, but I say if you’ve got a talent, why hide it?

Another thing I enjoy is travelling. I’ve always loved adventures, and I’ve been all over the world for snowboarding competitions, but I don’t think I realized before how much fun it is to travel for pleasure and for discovery rather than for a specific purpose like an international sporting event. Moving from my hometown in Canada all the way to Japan was so exciting that now I’ve decided I want to travel the world for fun. I think I was bitten by that particular bug the minute I stepped off the plane in Kyoto and into a brand new environment that I’d never seen before, with the knowledge that I had plenty of time ahead of me to relax and explore.

Oh, I guess you’ll want to know why I came to Japan in the first place, right? It wasn’t only for the snowboarding, and I’m more than happy to tell you all about it.

The real reason I’m here is to be with the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend, Yuri Okamoto. He’s beautiful, smart and brave, and he gets me like nobody else ever has.

Yuri and I met online, on a forum for snowboarding enthusiasts. I’d like to say there was an instant connection between us, but I think Yuri would deny that. It’s probably more appropriate to say I was instantly smitten when I was scrolling through a sub-forum where people posted about new equipment and saw a photo of him posing with his new board. He looked so cute, and I couldn’t resist posting a comment to express just that.

It took me a few minutes to figure out that straight-up commenting “You’re cute!” on a photo of a complete stranger might not have been the smartest or most appropriate move. So, in hopes of redeeming myself, I sent him a private message with a proper introduction. It took him a couple days to reply – he probably thought I was some weird stalker or something – but eventually he got back to me with an introduction of his own. We started chatting after that, and things evolved from there.

We met in November, a few weeks before my twenty-first birthday. Yuri had turned twenty a couple months earlier, in September. It’s hard to believe we’ve known each other for four and a half years already.

It wasn’t long until Yuri and I stopped chatting exclusively through private messages on the forum and moved our conversations to phone calls, texts and video chats instead. By February, we both knew that we were going to be more than friends.

Let me tell you, long-distance relationships are hard. Yuri and I wanted to be together in person, and as time went on, we felt the strain of being apart more and more. In the three and a half years between first meeting him and actually coming here to be with him, I finished college and got a job. I hoarded as much money as possible from my pay cheques and also from competition prize money, and I threw myself into learning Japanese so I’d be ready when the day eventually came.

Finally, when it felt as if neither of us could hold out any longer, I made up my mind to leave home. I gave up the lease on my flat, sold my car, my desktop computer, and my sad college student furniture, and packed the rest of my worldly possessions so I could make the voyage to be with my love. It was terrifying to leave everyone and everything I’d ever known, but it was absolutely the right choice. Being with Yuri makes it all worth it. Also, Matsumori Town is stunning, and have I mentioned the year-round snowboarding? Year-round snowboarding! But, anyway…

Yuri’s glad I’m here too, although I think he thinks I could’ve put more thought into planning my move. Yuri is more circumspect than me, which is a good thing because we balance each other. I can be a little impulsive sometimes, so having a partner who’s more cautious helps keep me from getting into too much trouble.

I’ve been here for about sixteen months now, and it’s amazing. I never want to leave. Not unless Yuri comes with me.

Our friends here tease us a lot about how close we are. We’re always together, not that either of us is complaining about that. Yuri works remotely about ninety percent of the time, and I don’t currently have a job other than teaching swimming lessons at the local pool, so unless I’m training up on the mountain or he’s in the city for some work thing, there’s no reason for us not to be together.

Another thing our friends seem to love teasing us about is our names. Apparently, we have the same names as the main characters from an anime series that’s very popular here in Japan. I've never seen it. Full disclosure, I usually can’t sit still long enough for television unless its a show or movie I'm really into. I'm not all that into anime.

Yuri says we kind of resemble those two anime characters as well, especially because the Yuri character has classic Japanese looks and the Victor character has white hair and blue eyes. My hair in real life is prematurely silver and I have blue eyes too.

I’m fine with taking Yuri’s word for the fact that we have some kind of resemblance to these anime guys, but I can assure you that we are our own unique, individual selves and any resemblance to animated fictional characters is purely coincidental.

All right! Now, on to the reason why I’m making this journal. Even though I’d be perfectly happy to go on for ages about my adorable Yuri, the real reason I’m doing this is to chronicle my travels, not just here in Japan, but in other parts of the world too.

My next voyage is going to be to the island of Kainani. I’ve been putting a bit of money aside ever since I got here, and now I have enough for a two-week trip, without seriously depleting the rest of my savings. As much as I love winter and the cool, fresh air of Matsumori, the idea of visiting a tropical paradise where it never snows truly fascinates me. I won’t get to do any snowboarding while I’m there, but I’ll bet there’ll be lots of water sports I can try. I’ve been looking at travel books about the island, and I’ve heard all the legends about the merfolk of Kainani. Not sure those are true, but maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll find out.

The only thing that worries me about going to a place where it never snows is what the weather might get up to in lieu of snowing. Like, maybe thunderstorms? I can’t stand thunderstorms. Camping on the beach is going to be awesome, but I’m not sure what I’ll do if there are any thunderstorms, especially if Yuri isn’t around to console me. He’s really good at that.

Maybe I can convince him to come along.

In any event, I guess I’ll figure everything out as I go. I know I have to do some planning, but I don’t like to organize my life too much. I like spontaneity. Yuri says I’m impetuous, but I prefer carefree.

Whatever happens, I’ll be sure to keep this journal updated so you can follow along with me on my adventures. See you soon!

[serial-serializednovelreader]

Nova’s Notes - DD - May 9 & 11

I’m combining both of these entries into one since I have similar thoughts about both!

First off, yay we get our first time meeting Mina and Lucy!!!!!!!! And may I just say it’s great to see these girls being besties and chatting? You can tell just by the way they write that they have known each other a long time. Bram actually did a good job writing these women talking to each other. It feels natural and organic. Finally a “men writing women” moment where I don’t want to gag. I will still never get over the adaptations pitting these two lovely ladies against each other!! Why do we still feel the need to make them “compete.” Ugh :(

Mina’s Letter - I love how she starts right away with “forgive me for not writing you.” She already KNOWS Lucy is going to get on her for that, lol. Also her gushing about Jonathan is adorable and I love how she talks about writing to him in code. Those two nerds, they’re going to end me with their cuteness. Also, studying lady journalists to help with your journalism? What a queen doing that research. As she should! Again, it’s the bare minimum, but Stoker really did a good job with this one I must say. Seeing her be hopeful about Jonathan’s trip to Transylvania and the subsequent promise of seeing places like that together is a bit sobering. :( that is, until we reach her PS!

“You have not told me anything for a long time.” This line makes me want to laugh for some reason and I’m not quite sure why? Maybe it’s because I can hear a slightly scolding tone when she says it, or maybe because I can totally see me telling one of my friends this, especially to goad them into telling me the tea. Either way, it’s great.

“I hear rumours, and especially of a tall, handsome, curly-haired man???”

I’m convinced Stoker read my texts or something because LOL that’s literally how I type! The idea of her writing “???” is adorable and I love it so much. Also by “rumors” does she mean Lucy’s mom? I’m pretty sure she means Lucy’s mom. I think it’s funny the first really descriptive thing we really hear of Arthur is his curly hair!

We can get a good glimpse of Mina’s personality just by this letter. We can already tell she’s genuinely excited to be married to Jonathan and help with his work. She is also very methodical, as she is thinking of several different ways she can practice her stenography and shorthand to help assist him. Like Jonathan, she does her research by reading up on how women in similar fields conduct their craft. She is obviously hopeful and in love with him, as she dreams of seeing new places with him after they are married.

However, she does not neglect Lucy in her missive! While her letter is mostly about Jonathan (which I assume is likely due to to Lucy asking after him and most engaged people do tend to talk about their fiancé — just look at Jonathan), she does take time at the beginning and ending of the letter to a) assure Lucy she misses her and b) tell her the latest news ASAP!! This shows that she deeply cares about her friend, even with her impending nuptials.

Lucy’s Letter - “I must say you tax me very unfairly with being a bad correspondent. I wrote to you twice since we parted, and your last letter was only your second.”

Yep, sure enough, Lucy gets on Mina for not writing to both of her letters (I do wonder if Mina answered everything that was in both letters…). Of course, it’s in a good-natured way and it gives me the same vibes as Rarity from MLP:FIM fainting into a couch or something and I am HERE FOR IT (for those who don’t watch the show, I genuinely mean this as a compliment. I love Rarity -- also I could probably make a whole post about Dracula characters as MLP characters, hmm…).

“Besides, I have nothing to tell you. There is really nothing to interest you.”

*Proceeds to list the hottest gossip* I love this girl so much. She has my whole heart.

“Some one has evidently been telling tales.”

Yep, definitely Lucy’s mom! I would love to see the letters between Mina and Lucy’s mom tbh.

Also when talking about Arthur, it’s so adorable because you can tell at first she only tries to sprinkle in a little bit about him, like “oh he’s just someone I met” and then it quickly morphs into “we met this guy who would be great for you” (Seward mention!!!! Can’t wait to meet everyone’s favorite pathetic wet cat /pos) to “I’m already picking up his slang and using his first name and did I mention IM IN LOVE WITH HIM????”

You can already learn so much about Lucy from this first letter. She’s sweet and caring to the people around her, lively about everything and a bit unsure about love (since she doesn’t quite know if Arthur loves her back). I looked up her age (idk if that counts as spoilers but I’ll tag this as such just in case) and she’s 19!!! This is exactly the kind of letter I would expect a 19-year-old to write to her best friend. I just love how excited she sounds, as she should!!! She’s a young girl in love, perhaps for the first time, and wants her best friend to know. I do love how she tells Mina “write back to me IMMEDIATELY with your thoughts.” Same, Lucy, same.

Back to Seward. It’s so funny to me that he wants to make a psychological study of her while staring straight into her soul and she seems to be chill with it!! Like she still loves Arthur, but she’s also not put off by Jack, either. He’s just got that neurodivergent urge to study her under a microscope and honestly, who can blame him? I can also see why Lucy would ship Seward and Mina together; obviously, I’m a diehard Jonmina shipper (and I’m pretty sure Lucy is too, she just likes chaos), but I feel like Mina and Seward would totally bond over train schedules and other nerd stuff.

So, to sum it up, I love both of these girls and their friendship so much and I can’t wait to see more of them!!! Eeeee

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 1) (Repost)

Hello Tumblr! This is my first time ever posting on this site, so please forgive me if my post is dumb or formatted weird.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. I've heard it can be helpful to keep a journal of your thoughts and experiences as you explore your identity, so I may as well try. I've never used Tumblr before either, but I've heard that there's a good otherkin community here, so I guess I'm going to shout into the void and see where this takes me.

This week, I realized I might be an otherkin. Before now, I didn't know too much about the community or what it means to be an otherkin other than the general idea of what I've heard about it in passing.

As soon I started actually researching what an otherkin was, it was like everything just clicked. It felt as though I had just unknowingly opened Pandora's box, and now there's no way to go back to how I was.

It's been... A lot, to say the least. A lot of things that I used to do as a kid make a lot more sense now, things that I forced myself to stop doing because they weren't "normal", feelings that I've been shoving down for years and trying to ignore, and hating myself and my body without even really understanding why.

I could write for days on all the conflicting feelings I have on what's going on inside my head, and maybe I will write more later.

After a whole week of stress and research and soul searching, I think I am fairly confident that I am some sort of otherkin or alterhuman. On one hand, I feel like I should celebrate this new discovery, but for some reason I just feel scared and uncertain about what this all means for me going forward.

I don't know who I am, I don't know what I am, and I don't really know many people who I can talk to about this sort of thing either. I'm lost and confused and isolated, and I don't like not knowing what lies ahead of me.

Anyways, fears aside, I still want to learn how to connect with this part of me that I've repressed for so long.

I've been thinking a lot about what my kin identity might be, and the thing I've felt by far the strongest connection to is Umbreon, the pokemon. I don't want to jump to conclusions, so I'm still trying to explore a few more options, but every time I picture myself as an Umbreon, I feel so light and euphoric that I can't stop myself from bawling. Is this what I've been missing all this time?

So, it's nice to meet you. I think... I think I might be an Umbreon.

[mewnia]

thank you! i enjoy tales of sunday but i would love to see more oc stuff esp if that's more fun for you too :3

i'd love to ask you some questions about your ocs if you're willing to answer! i've been through the tags but there's definitely more to know about all the characters. one character i didn't see a lot of info on was selah! what's her background like? how did she grow up? what is she getting up to around the time the main story takes place? what's her relationship to the rest of the cast like? her relationship with abriel? what's her general role in the story? any other cool stuff you wanna spill? you can answer as many or as few of these questions as you like! i'd love to read your ramblings :p

Ahhh I love my girl Selah! She’s one of the more straight-forward characters so I often don’t have to draw concepts for her, if that makes sense? I probably should, it would help me connect with her character more!

She’s a very silly girl, at heart. A reference that I usually follow is relating her to Jessie from Toy Story but more farmer-ish rather than cowboy. She definitely follows her gut. Selah and Abriel’s family are farmers of medicinal herbs protected by Autumnest’s royal family. These herbs come in extremely handy to both residents of Autumnest and to researchers in Springland. No one knows how they got these herbs. According to Selah, their plants just one day started having healing properties!

To other characters, Selah is a sibling all-around! Her more focused relationships (besides Abriel) are with Ella and Mel. Selah relates to Ella’s predicament with her father, who is ill, and knows one day Ella will need support to deal with what’s coming. Meanwhile, Selah is so energetic and playful, she’s a breath of fresh air for Ella. With Mel, I’m still playing around with, but the main gist is that Abriel seems to have a really close interest in them. Therefore, Selah wants in, too!

Selah is incredibly close with her twin brother Abriel. She loves having someone there by her side, someone who is both a huge, personal part of her and yet their own person. She loves doing the whole twin-matching thing, and Abriel goes along with it to see her smile. Actually, Abriel is sometimes there for her a little too much, if that makes sense. The siblings try to out-do each other in service to one another often. Apparently for their Quinceañera/Quinceañero, both of them made such tall, towering cakes for the other that they ended up feeding their whole village for days! The twins refuse to say who made the tallest… Local villagers will tell you it was a tie ;P

Mel, Ella, Abriel, and Asher, when going unchecked can get very doom and gloom very quickly as characters. So Selah is here to hopefully lift the party’s, an especially the viewer’s, spirits <3

Here are some other drawings of Selah! One of her for MerMay that I plan to finish in October for OC-tober, and the other from an entry in Asher’s journal — 10 years before the main story. This journal hasn’t been posted on my blog, mainly because I’m embarrassed of my writing skills, haha

Thank you for asking, I don’t mind at all! I meant it when I said I could talk about my OC’s for days. It’s a long post, that’s for sure :P

[ahiddenpath]

Hidden's Life

Hi guys, I started writing a journal on my computer, as typing is a lot faster than pen and paper. I am sharing my first entry.

Content warning: It's about the "should I have a kid" debate, and it's way more political than what I usually post on my digimon blog. It gets into climate change, the financial and emotional cost of child rearing, and is leftist in tone. I am really struggling with this topic, and I welcome input and conversations. If you want to talk about it and we're pals on Discord, please do! I want to hear from as many people as possible.

The tone is bleak, but in a matter-of-fact way, if that makes sense?

So, I took a two week vacation. I was in Vegas for a few days for the first time, then in a cabin on a river. I’m not going to talk about that much here. Instead, I’m going to focus on life.

Whenever I have a few days off in a row with no plans (which is rare), I like to touch base with myself on where I am in life. I guess that’s what I’m doing here.

I will say that I’m feeling a lot more rested/restored by this vacation than I have been from my vacations over the last few years. Travel takes a ton out of me, and I’m sensitive to time zone changes and general shifts in routine. I’m surrounded by career scientists, many without children (aka people with money to travel), so it’s common to feel like I’m “missing out” or “doing it wrong” if I’m not visiting 1-3 international spots per year. It turns out that. Um. I actually really like the river cabin. Japan last year was amazing, but I came back jet lagged, exhausted, sick, and with a foot injury from power walking for 10-14 hours per day for 2 weeks. More chill domestic vacations may be the way.

But anyway, I wanted to write down my thoughts on the future.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it here, so pardon me if I have, but… I’ve been dating my husband since we were 14, and we’ve been married for 11 years, together for 21. For nearly two decades, whenever I asked about children, my husband would shrug and say, “Maybe someday.” This year, for the first time, his answer changed to, “I’d like one child, but I’m not sure if it’s ethical.”

As for me, I’ve never been hit with maternal desire. In my early twenties, I assumed I’d marry my now husband, have kids, and be a stay at home parent. I’m not sure… Why I thought that? Other than that I have no career ambition, and my husband was raised by a stay at home parent. It feels a bit weird to say I lack ambition when I’m a career scientist, but it’s true. I just want to get the most money with the least effort and damage to my physical and mental health. I feel, on some level, I’ve been waiting my whole life for some kind of purpose or desire, but these days… I’m beginning to understand that wanting health and happiness is an amazing goal, and that humans aren’t necessarily meant to find fulfillment from our work. It’s okay if family is your goal! It’s okay if being a hobbit is your goal (being comfy, reading books, taking walks, etc)!

I got my first job when I was 15, I had to get my mom to sign a permission form, lol. I saved all my money and invested it as best I could, which was CDs (at the time they had like a 5% return, and as a teenager I did not really understand investing- that kinda remains true). My mom warned me from early on that she had no money to help me, and my father openly gloated about not being financially responsible for me soon. Like, he’d count down and update me every now and then- only five years until you aren’t my problem anymore, girl! Four years, three, two, one. He apparently still doesn’t understand why I went no contact with him.

I’ve never been laid off or between jobs, just. Working and preparing for a future where I was financially independent since I was 15. So again I wonder. Why??? I thought I would be a stay at home parent, lol! My husband is extremely intelligent, and he graduated straight into a programming job that pays more than I will ever make, so that might have been part of it. But when I got my new job 2 years ago, my package became competitive enough that I now actually… Have a career to lose.

What I’m trying to say here is that I feel conflicted about… everything. Why am I in this job that I don’t like, but I excel at and it pays fairly (or at least, it does since the new job two years ago)? Am I going to do this until I’m in my 60s because capitalism? Do I want a kid? Shouldn’t I know if I want a kid? But then, I can barely scrape together the brain juice to decide what I want for dinner most nights, after spending 8 hrs working and 90 min commuting. Is it any wonder I can’t bring myself to figure out if I want huge life changes or not?

Financially, my husband and I are doing well. We have a house, retirement savings, and we can afford our expenses on my husband’s salary alone. Mine is called upon for things we want, like getting a working shower in the master bathroom this year and the laundry list of smaller home improvements we paid for last year. But when you have a house, there is always more to do. Our roof is probably original to the house, which is 36. If I want our fireplace to work, that will cost at least a few grand. Our heater is too small for the house; if we want to use our finished basement more, we need to replace it with an appropriately sized one.

If I quit now, it will be difficult or impossible to do those things (and by the way, I feel like wanting a correct sized heater, a working master shower, a working fireplace, and a safe roof are not, like, super bougie??? God damn shit’s expensive). (And by the way, I'm aware that HAVING these problems is a privilege, and that is INSANE to me). If I wait too much longer, I’ll be unable to deliver a healthy baby (I’m 35). But if I’m going to have a baby, just one baby, then I want to spend time with them.

Meanwhile, there’s the ethical questions. I’ve searched online for: Is it ethical to have a child during the climate crisis? Interestingly, the hits were mostly about the impact each individual human has on emissions and climate change. Listen, sure, if you really want to be conscientious about it, don’t have more than 2 kids, which keeps your family’s population steady at the micro level. But damn, don’t be guilted out of a family, a totally normal thing, while a few corporations destroy the world for profit and tell you to have fewer babies. God damn! The mythos of the individual’s impact on climate change while companies burn fossil fuels for funsies is some high level con work, holy shit.

I’m not worried about my theoretical kid’s carbon footprint. No man, I’m worried about them having access to clean water, reliable power, food, medicine, and places to live that aren’t storm riddled, underwater, on fire, etc. Oh, and clean air. People who are sensitive to air born pollutants are already dying prematurely, and have been for years. The idea that people think climate change is something you “believe in” like fucking Santa Claus is absolute insanity to me. People are already dying, my brother in Christ.

So like, do I raise and rear this child to die early or have poor quality of life starting now, and rapidly declining? True, humans have literally always faced pressures: plague, economic strife, war, the threat of nuclear fallout, etc. We have babies anyway, partially because we don’t all have education and access to reproductive care, but also because having families is just. A totally normal desire, as is not having them! Having them does have an additional biological push behind it; organisms tend to feel reproductive pressure. It’s evolution’s super fun gift (/sarcasm)! In some ways, having kids feels almost necessary, as it makes people feel hope and desire for a better future. But there must be millions of kiddos existing now, and we’re not doing much to make the world more habitable for them on a global scale.

I want to take a moment to clarify that I am not judging anyone for having children. We should be able to have families. It’s insane that we’re facing these pressures, that so little is being done about it. But as someone who does not have any yet, I find myself grappling with these questions.

So yeah. A.) I’m not sure if I want kids, and my lifestyle does not allow much time or space for reflection. B.) I’m not sure if having children is ethical in the year of our lord 2024. C.) As much as I dislike work, I’m not sure if not working is right for me, either. It’s easy to fall into mental health issues without a structured routine. D.) I have a strong desire for financial security, and it was beaten into me from as far back as I can remember. What will the loss of my income do to my mental health? E.) While we can afford our needs on my husband’s salary, relying on one income is always precarious. Layoffs are a constant threat in tech, and injury, mental health crises, and death can come for anyone. F.) When I was in therapy, my therapist specifically advised me not to stop working and rely on my spouse’s income. I know this is good advice for women, lol! Like, truly, I do get it. My therapist knows about my drive for financial security and my strong support for women. I can say, though, that in 21 years with my husband, he’s never given me reason to doubt him. Not once.

I guess that brings me to another fear of having a kid. Obviously I’m terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, and my country has the worst maternal death rate of the developed world (like… by a long shot). I’m already unhappy with my body and my energy levels; bearing and raising a baby is not. Going. To help. But I’m also worried about the division of labor that goes into childrearing. I’m told Millenial men have made huge strides in combating the deadbeat dad. But when I grew up, every family I knew was held together by the mother. My father worked. He did not do anything else. He didn’t cook, clean, play with or watch the kids, do yard work, make doctor appointments, meet with teachers, shop for the family, chauffeur the kids around, any of it. He didn’t even buy Christmas presents for his own parents, my mom had to do that for him. Most of the households I visited seemed to function the same way. I know my husband wouldn’t do that; hell, as it is, he does more than I do, often in the 90 min per day that I spend commuting. But my understanding is that, when it comes to raising kids, women still take on more of the work on average. And I’m not even sure if I want one, lol!

And the other huge concern is the political scene. If Trump wins in November, or just… Idk, stages a coup or whatever, I… Probably won’t reproduce. As I understand, his proposed administration/Project 2025 is looking to defund public education, continue destroying the planet for the profit of a few people, and generally dismantle everything. I don’t think the country would recover within my childbearing years.

Basically, I don’t know what the hell I want. I suppose I can get another job if I lost the one I have, although I’m told competition is stiff. Once you have a baby, though, you uh… You have a kid, lmao! I admit that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why one would want a baby. The ‘ol pro/con list isn’t looking too great! Like, babies, okay? The good things (in my mind): as we age, we lose more people. It’s common and understandable to want more people to call your own, especially as we age and as life pulls us further apart from people we knew when we were younger. Some people experience reproductive drives, so there is a driving force. Cons: Pregnancy is body altering and life endangering, children produce a horrific and varied array of fluids, they’re sick all the time and make their parents sick too, daycare costs are a second mortgage for five years in my area, taking them to and from daycare and school around work is next to impossible, they make noises and run around (aka, incompatible with my stimulus issues), and I personally don’t have fond childhood memories or warm feelings about family, thanks to my own difficult upbringing.

This is one of those decisions that doesn’t logic on paper. I’m sure most people would say, “Oh, you don’t use logic for this sort of thing!” But then, like. Uh. What are you doing? I have a coworker who is maybe 15 years older than me who talked to me about people my age not having kids (uninvited, I might add, lmao). She was like, whenever I ask someone your age, they give me all these reasons about money and daycare and the difficulties of navigating work around a family where both parents have full time jobs. You just make it work! You’ll figure it out!

And I remember thinking, Ma’am, your youngest is 12. Daycare didn’t cost $2,000-2,400 per month per kid back then, and mortgages and rent were less. Like, sure, yeah, I’ll just have a kid and feed them hopes and dreams, no problem! Mm, delicious.

I don’t know, man. Sometimes I think about all the folks who will never have kids because they can’t afford them, and I feel so enraged. Or the rising infertility rates as our environment and foods become less healthy and our stress increases. Or I think about the people who have kids but can rarely spend time with them (and desperately want to) because they are trying to get the money they need to take care of them. And then there’s people like me, who are so goddamned tired and overwhelmed by their job that they have no brain space to even… Like… Figure out if they want a kid!

Well, there will be no changes until I see how the election and the possible coup go, so I need to put this down for now.

What a fun sentence.

[windng-down]

ten hobbies to try out this winter ₊˚｡⋆❆⋆｡˚₊

baking/cooking - These two are like versatility Olympians; they are fun to do, they are a useful skill, they make your house smell great, they make your house warm in the winter, and they produce perfect holiday presents. That's right, you can bake/cook up a storm then pass the food around as presents. It's actually a really sweet gesture. I'd fold if a pretty girl brought me homemade food.

reading - You know that blanket you cozy up in for bedrotting? Cozy up for reading instead! (Btw if you're genuinely bedrotting ignore that, take all the time you need, and try and rebuild your spoons <33 Seasonal depression hits different) Actually though, reading a good book is one hell of a high. It's like you never want to put it down. Winter is the perfect time to find that book! My favorite books of all time include The Secret History by Donna Tartt, Bunny by Mona Awad, and The Hunger Games Series! I recommend finding more recommendations from book bloggers like Dakota Warren or Kalilah D.

ice skating - This one isn't for me, but it is such a beautiful winter sport. If you're the active type and you like a challenge, you should look into skating!

blogging - You heard me right! You've been thinking about starting that Tumblr blog? Now is the time to do it! Everyone is stuck inside on their phones, you should give them something to read! Also it's a really nice way to find community, even if it is really small. Nothing makes me happier when someone reblogs my posts with a hashtag of them rambling. I read it all every time.

writing - For me personally, writing is more than just a hobby it's a lifestyle. I take it way to seriously, don't be like me! Have fun, find writing prompts online, cozy up with Google docs, and put on a playlist. Write a romcom or a mystery or a poem or a journal entry, it doesn't matter as long as you're writing! It is just the most wonderful form of self-expression, and I think everyone should try it at least once.

working out - No, not as in your "winter Arc", as in having fun! It's hard to get physical in the winter, don't make it harder by seeing it as a chore. Find something you like, such as dance workouts or weight lifting. Just make sure whatever you're doing, that you enjoy it. I think those treadmill playlists Allieh Bennett makes on TikTok seem super fun. If you guys don't know, they are playlists designed to sync to your treadmill run!

drawing - I am serious girl (or anyone else reading this)! You don't have to be good at art to do it. Go get yourself a pencil and dollar store sketchpad! Personally, I am trying to learn how to draw portraits and it's very calming. Imagine it: It's cold outside, you're cuddled up with pillows and blankets, you light a candle, and- most importantly- you pull out a pencil and some paper. You can draw anything! You can draw flowers, friends, yourself, characters, optical illusions, or literally anything else! If that still intimidates you though, I highly recommend color books. They are a great alternative, and I love them.

painting - Everything I said about drawing applies here. Also, during the winter, there are probably some great inspirations all around you! Between the weather and the decorations, you've got loads of landscapes to replicate. If that sounds like too much though, try paint by numbers. They are just as cozy and perfect for winter.

crocheting - Okay, so this may be the most difficult one on the list. Yes, even more difficult than ice skating. But, at least give it a shot! People who have the patience to really learn this hobby can make some incredible things- especially for winter. I'm talking scarves, sweaters, blankets, and gloves! I also recommend hand crocheting. It's a lot simpler and you can make a nice, chunky blanket with it. I hand crochet when I'm nervous so I don't pick my face, actually. It's very useful.

bracelet making - Now this is the last one, y'all. Thanks for reading this far! This hobby seems like so much fun and it's so personal. There are all kinds of ways to make bracelets. I mean you can make charm bracelets, bead bracelets, rope bracelets, and even clay bracelets. This one is great for winter too, because once again you're gonna need presents! Make a bracelet to go with your favorite winter jumper, then you can make your bff a matching one!

Signing Off,

W.D.

( P.S. Love y'all! Stay warm! )

[ftmblogger]

Should I Start Writing Fan Fiction? (Or, Is This a Slippery Slope?)

So, here’s a thought I didn’t expect to be having in 2025: Should I start writing fan fiction?

I know, I know—big existential questions happening over here. But hear me out. I’ve been writing in various forms for years—blogging, poetry, journal articles, existential grocery lists—and I keep coming back to the idea of writing something just for fun. Something a little unhinged. Something that doesn’t have to be deeply meaningful or optimized for engagement. And, well… fan fiction seems like the perfect outlet for that.

Now, I have zero commitment to a specific character or series yet, but I do know one thing: if I do this, it’s going to be queer. Because let’s be honest, everything’s better with a little gender f*ckery and some unexpected sapphic energy.

Some ideas currently rolling around in my brain like marbles in a washing machine:

Salad Fingers, but queer? I have no idea what that even looks like, and I think that’s exactly why I should write it. There is shockingly little Salad Fingers fanfic out there (for reasons I completely understand), but imagine a fleshed-out backstory, existential horror, and maybe even a strange, tragic love story? Disturbing? Absolutely. But that’s kind of the point.

Venom—a fandom that already leans queer, let’s be real. Symbiote relationships? Metaphors for dysphoria and bodily autonomy? Dark humor and a sentient pile of goo that just wants to eat tater tots? The potential is endless.

The Child’s Play franchise. Chucky, Tiffany, and maybe even Glen/Glenda? A perfect mix of camp, horror, and unhinged gender discussions. Honestly, Don Mancini already made it queer, but that just means I wouldn’t have to do as much heavy lifting.

Pokémon, but with a fresh take. I feel like the market is saturated here, but I could go weird with it. Like, a gritty crime drama in the Pokémon world? A trans Gym Leader story? A body horror exploration of what really happens in the Pokédex entries that say things like “This Pokémon steals the souls of children”?

A trans Jessica Rabbit. Because why not? What if she wasn’t just “drawn that way” but actually going through her own transition, navigating the cartoon industry while dealing with the expectations placed on femme-presenting characters? Someone’s got to rewrite the narrative.

Of course, the big question is: Do I have the time for this? Probably not. Will that stop me? Also probably not.

I guess what I’m saying is—if you all start seeing random, slightly unhinged fanfics from me, just know that this post was the warning shot. Also, if you have opinions (or want to peer-pressure me into one of these ideas), let me know. I make no promises, but I’m open to enabling.

[danae-inprogress]

Mini Diary Entry: January 16, 2025

Hey, lovelies! I hope you’re having a good day! I’m way too excited for Friday being (almost) here. To be honest, I didn’t do much this morning. I got out of bed a little later than usual, but it’s okay because I woke up rested, so I think I needed it. Then, my workday was busy as usual and I had a mostly chill evening. Highlights of the day: ✨I practiced Spanish on Duolingo. I have only 5 units left to finish section 7. ✨I had a lovely morning journaling session - I hadn’t had one in a while, and it really helped me feel relaxed afterwards. ✨I finished my Medium post, and I hopefully can edit it and post it tomorrow. I can probably link it here - I wouldn’t mind. ✨I did read some. Specifically, I read one chapter of “If We Were Villains” by M.L. Rio and a few pages of “Love, Spells and Hot Chocolate” by Nadia El-Fassi. ✨My classes were actually fun today. I think that when I’m in a good mood, children can feel it and they reciprocate it. I feel like there’s a lot of energy exchange going on between us during classes. ✨I did save a few ideas on Pinterest for class decor and I did some brainstorming, so I might work on making some posters on Canva tomorrow to decorate my class next week. My meh moments: ❌I could have eaten better. And once again, I did forget to track my calories on MyFitnessPal. ❌I should really catch up with some very basic things like laundry, paying bills, and renewing roadside assistance. ❌Not really a meh thing, but I really wanna do some creative writing at some point, because so far this month I’ve worked only on blog posts. I hope your Thursday was/is good. Please, feel free to interact in the comments and tell me about your day, I’d love to hear it. See you tomorrow - hopefully!

[autumnalwalker]

Writeblr Intro v3

Updating the pinned intro now that it's been a year and my (now previously) main WIP is complete as it's going to be.

Me:

I write as a hobby. It's something I do for fun and first and foremost for myself. But if other people happen to actually like what I write, that's pretty cool too.

I try to keep this main blog primarily writing-focused. I've set up the side-blog @traversedmiscellany for reblogging/posting any other random stuff that happens to catch my interest.

I tend to prefer to keep my online and offline lives separate so I rarely say much about personal details aside from what inevitably winds up leaking into talking about my writing.

I am open to tag games and ask games. Or just general writing-related asks.

If anyone would like to be added to a tag list (whether for WIP updates or tag games), please feel free to send me a message or reply to this post, specifying what you want to be on the tag list for.

My WIPs:

Completed (Is it still a "WIP" at this point? Either way, it's fully online and available to read for free.):

The Archivist's Journal:

A slice-of-life story about waking up on a fantasy tropical island told over the course of a year in the form of daily journal updates. Mostly fairly chill, just living life one day at a time, but with some occasional angst, social anxiety, and supernatural spookiness.

The whole story (just over 330,000 words) is posted on my side blog @thearchivistsjournal. Or if you want to read from the beginning, here's the chronological posting. Or if you prefer to read in a format other than Tumblr posts, it's mirrored over on my ScribbleHub.

Also, here's the post I made when the project was completed for some more meta background on it and what I mean when I call it "complete."

I may eventually make additional scattered journal entries as a sort of periodic epilogue, but Day 380 should be considered the end of the "main story," so to speak.

Ongoing:

Empty Names:

My current main project. Also freely available to read in full as chapters go up.

A bit of an episodic urban fantasy moster-of-the-week sort of deal that's mostly an excuse to have a cast of OCs that I like interact with eachother. The basic premise is a world-hopping adventurer attempts to set up a sword-and-sorcery style adventurer's guild in a modern world where "adventurer" isn't considered a legitimate profession. Has what I suppose one might call "genre-typical violence" with fighting monsters and such, and individual chapters are tagged with more specific content warnings where necessary.

Here's the masterpost for it with links to chapters and to several standalone side stories set in the same world/setting.

I'm much more casual with my update schedule on this project, but it seems to be coming out to posting weekly chapter updates for a month or two at a time and then taking a month or two off from posting while I rebuild my buffer queue for the next batch of chapters.

Also, while it's not exactly a focus, the five characters of the core cast are all some flavor or another of LGBTA+, if that's a selling point for you.

The Witches' Testaments:

A prequel to the currently-hiatused "Solarpunk Witch Story" below that I wrote the loose framework and beginnings of in a sudden fit of inspiration that I may return to sporadically.

The idea was to focus a bit more on the "punk" side of Solarpunk and paint a picture of the effort and rebellion that went into how that world transitioned from Cyberpunk dystopia to Solarpunk... well, not utopia exactly, but something better than it was and striving toward that dream.

And because that sort of thing is bigger than any one person and I had multiple worldbuilding concepts I wanted to touch on, I landed on the idea of writing it in the form of a series of interviews with various characters who lived through that period of change.

Here's the masterpost for it.

Indefinite Hiatus:

Untitled Solarpunk Witch Story:

A project that I absolutely intend to return to one day once Empty Names is finished, but that's going to be a good long while yet.

The story of a freshly-minted "witch" and her AI familiar traveling from town to town in an ecologically-recovering post-capitalism future, providing highly-specialized tech support and environmental consulting wrapped up in enough mysticism and aesthetics to blur the line between what's purely technology and what might possibly be some kind of magic. I only ever wrote a prologue and five chapters worth of an initial arc/town/problem to solve, but I liked what I wrote well enough to share all that online. Ultimately this project going on hold was a matter of it being one project too many for me to handle simultaneously on the time combined with a desire to get more experience at traditional prose writing (as opposed to the epistolary format of The Archivist's Journal) so that I could better do the concept justice when I do one day revisit it.

In the meantime, those initial rough chapter drafts are all up online here: Solarpunk Witch Masterpost

Miscellaneous other writing:

On most Thursdays I'll post small (couple hundred words at most) pieces based on various interesting dreams that I've had. Being based on dreams, the content is a mixed bag. Those are tagged under #my dreams. These now have a compilation Masterpost that I'll do my best to keep updated.

Alternatively, if you just want to browse semi-random excerpts and snippets from the above works, I post a lot of that under #tag game.

Some Standalone Short Stories:

(Stories that were either written to be standalone pieces, or appear within something else but worked well enough by themselves that I gave them their own separate posts.)

The Tale of the Merchant and the Blacksmith's Daughter: A sapphic fairy tale (and, in retrospect after writing, possible trans allegory).

The Melts: An attempt to shift what would normally be body horror into the genre of slice-of-life. "What if your body slowly melting over the course of the day were treated as no more serious than the common cold and you still had to go to work?"

Kindly Basilisk: A human mech pilot who wants to be a machine, an AI who wants to be human, and the relationship they form.

[channelflippingwithaemerge]

i spent a lot of time off social media - most of the last year with a few exceptions and i am just recently coming back to it. there are a lot of reasons for that + this past few years (though *especially* this last year and a half being sober), ive had what feels like whole other lifetimes of experiences, and i felt further isolated because i didnt think i could identify with anyone and what is/was the point of posting anything. its a big part of why when i ever do post, i often stick to pictures or other NVC-type stuff and i dont share much written word.

once i did start tuning back into facebook and tiktok though, i realized how actually not alone i am in a lot of the ways that i think and other things i have been inspired to discover on my own - which maybe hasnt been the quickest way to learn and become a little wiser, though i believe that was my path for a reason.

it really started for me when i committed suicide in 2013 and woke up in a hospital 3 days later; i suppressed me seeings and feelings from then on with mostly alcohol and weed until my actions necessitated sobriety. but that was the beginning of true acceptance and beauty. finally i accepted meditation; discovered the "Gateway process" pioneered by Robert Monroe. ive filled dozens of notebooks this past year or two with words, crude sketches and drawings, a mishmash of multiple forms of communication and languages that most people might find illegible and non-understandable at best, others might see it all as completely insane. yet i continue to feel compelled to share some of it and knowing that there are others out there who see and think and feel as i do, my fear of judgement etc has still held me back. so here is me trying to get over that and begin sharing some of my... "personal occult art" and inner work, inspirations and realizations, visions of reality greater than the physical here and now... things like that. ways i process. and maybe no one will get anything out of my bad handwriting and crude art; im finally sharing for me and it feels like the part ive been missing to complete some of this and to stop holding on to it all, is just to let it go into the ether and let myself be seen for better or worse. i am more whole than i have ever been, whether perceived as crazy or not.

i will probably begin posting this stuff with as little additional context or explanation as possible. or maybe i will share with pieces of my story. i hope the FB compression allows for zooming and detail, theres a good amount of hidden stuff in here. often i start with writing and it just becomes something else...

so here's one i still reflect on often. i still find new insights and revelations in this as i do in so many journal pages and notebook entries that helps me keep and create new perspective. i believe this one started as a reflection on both what is between my wife and myself and what i desired to build and create there.

science, magic, spirituality; right, left, liberal "vs" conservative, etc... are all intersections of each other; made for each other. we should think about integrating them all. i will leave it at that.

love you.

[leopardom]

i thought i wouldn't end up making one of those sappy posts before the end of 2023 but here we are i guess

what i wanna say in advance is a huge thank you, and that i'm sorry

this year has been a nightmare for me and i can't stress that word enough. i won't get into details, if you follow me you may have seen some occassional rant posts. long story short though, i'm ending 2023 being mentally exhausted af and even though i'm not in my most optimistic mood, i hope 2024 will not as shitty as 2023

as of my tumblr presence, there have been some changes. i jumped from one fandom to another without completely leaving the bc fandom. i'm just not that much in the mood anymore. maybe this will change once the new album is out? we'll see 👀 and jumping to another fandom means that i lost contact with so many people from the bc fandom. i promise you i didn't do this on purpose and i don't hate or stopped liking any of you. it just... things got weird and a bit too much in my head and now idk how to keep contact without looking extremely weird in this fandom

anyway! entering another fandom has been weird not only in means of interests but also in means of communication. ever since i remember my tumblr activity in any fandom, i always tried to interact as much as possible with other accounts and talk with people, whether that was via posts or messages. in the jo fandom i feel like i have kinda failed that

i'm aware that i post a lot and i'm probably everywhere with the content updates and the gifs. and that may be annoying to some people. and i understand it, i don't like it but i understand it and i wanna apologise for being... all over the place yet not really reaching out to anyone in the fandom or building any kind of online friendship

idk if there's an accurate explanation for the way i feel about this so i'll put it in the best words possible: i wanna make jokes and have fun in here and exchange random messages or mentions in posts and talk shit or not about jo etc, but i feel like my social anxiety (both online and offline) has passed any limit i had put to it until now that i end up thinking it's actually wrong to interact with anyone in this fandom. because everyone has already connected with some people and have built a specific line of interests and you all seem so fucking cool for someone who is as insecure and scared to talk as me so i end up hiding behind my gifs, shitposts and content updates in hopes that people will like me or at least aknowledge i exist in this fandom. and again, that's all on me, there's no one to blame for this behaviour but me and my fucked up mind (which got even more fucked up in the past year). so idk, i feel like i wanna apologise for this, for being like that

however, no matter the anxiety, i must admit that the jo tumblr fandom was actually my escape when things in real life got bad bad. i've spent hours scrolling through the jo and kaarija hashtags in hopes of seeing something unhinged and funny to lift my mood and you know what? i found something every single time. and that was more than nice. if it wasn't for all of you being as funny and crazy (in a positive way) as you are, i'd feel even worse. but every time i open the jo hashtag there's someone posting a wholesome thing or saying something unhinged like how many ways has Kris listed to kill Bojan in his sleep lmao

anyway i ended up writing a lot, this could easily be an entry to the journal that i don't keep but maybe should start keeping. if you read until this point, congratulations for going through all this ramble and i'm sorry

hope 2024 is gonna be a lot different than 2023 but in a good way this time. and i hope i get better and actually get to interact more with all of you great people 💕 and obviously i hope you all have a fantastic year ahead of you 💖

[anotherhumaninthisworld]

Hello!

I am a newbie to the FRev so I'd like to thank you for having the most amazingly detailed posts here that are, most importantly, as accurate as possible. Your blog is awesome!

Now to my questions: I read your answer to an ask about Camille and Annette's relationship and was left wondering, why did the family become so hostile towards him to the point of refusing him entry into their home?

Why did Lucille's father not want them to get married? Was it just about Camille's financial success? I saw a link to a letter in the post but my French is horrible so I have no idea what was written.

And, I'm not sure how this was seen at the time, of course times were different, but the way he talks about Annette though he claimed to be platonic, it seems that he found her attractive?? Or maybe he was "buttering" her up (he seemed to be a bit of a womanizer though maybe most men were like that at that time and frequently complimented many women at once)? When he met Lucille she was still quite young (especially compared to his age), so I got the impression (just an impression) that he liked the mother, but she was already taken so he went for the daughter instead? Though this couldve been normal at the time.

That post gave me a whole different perspective on Desmoulins and his love story, thank you so much and I apologise for the lenghty ask and if my questions sound ignorant.

Thank you so much for your compliments. So happy I can be of use to people who are new to this mess. 😊

I agree, the idea that Camille was really in love with Annette and just had to go for the second best is one that is really easy to make when reading his letters and poems to her. I don’t really have anything that goes against it being true other than the fact that Camille, as stated, once refers to his and Annette’s relationship as being just platonic (and how much truth there actually was to that I will leave unsaid…). It doesn’t particulary help that most 18th century people writing letters by today’s standards sound like they want to jump into bed with the receiver, no matter who that person might be… I don’t know if there’s anything in particular (besides words like ”my beloved”) you should look at to help determine if two people are/want to be more than just friends.

As for why Lucile’s parents didn’t want to let Camille have her in 1787, that is actually quite easy to discover through the letter Camille wrote to the father in March the following year, published by Jules Claretie on April 26 1879 within the paper Journal officiel de la République française. The letter Camille’s responding to here has unfortunately gone missing, but as can be seen, Camille still lays out and combats its arguments in a very clear way (apologies if there’s any translation errors in here):

Monsieur, I am not mistaken and I am forced to agree that your letter is worthy of a father and full of wisdom. The first moments of pain that I experienced were followed by the calm of reason, and I take advantage of this calm to allow myself a few observations regarding your letter and putting them before your eyes.

Don't let my probity scare you. The reflections that M. Duplessis made me make on your [sic] uncertain state. My uncertain state is not uncertain. I am a lawyer in the parliament of Paris and what makes your state certain in this profession is not to be on the board, but talent and work. I am certain morally of being in charge of all the appeals of the sentences of Guise, which alone will compose for me an honest cabinet and an income of 7 or 8,000 livres at least; I cannot believe that there exists anyone who, after having read the memoir that is printed about me at this moment, tells you that my condition is uncertain. The letters I have from MM. Lorget and Linguet would prove to you, if you read them, that my condition is not uncertain. Already I have a flow of business which can only grow and I will have won a hundred louis this year, supposing that I lose the lawsuit which is about to be judged and whose gain would be worth more than two thousand écus to me.

On future events which may call me back to the provinces. I took a vow to stability in the bar of the capital, this vow is expressed clearly in the epistle and the printed memorandum which I gave to you. There exists only one thing that could make me detach from Paris and make a stay in the provinces bearable, it would be if I met Mlle Duplessis there, to what oaths must I bind myself in order to take away this fear that I will leave Paris? I see very well that you do not know how much I love your daughter, since you suppose that I would be able to sadden her by taking her away from a father to whom she is so tenderly dear.

On the impossibility for me to have a house where your daughter, like at your place, could find the softnesses and charms of life. There is something touching about this paternal fear that would have made me reproach myself for my premature research. But did you believe that Mlle Duplessis is less dear to me than to you and that I wanted a happiness that would have cost her the sacrifice of the comforts of life? As for me, the sweetness and pleasures of life would have been to live with her and with you, and these pleasures would have made all the others insipid to me. There are two things here that I cannot believe, first off the fact that this fear so natural to a father that his daughter would be less happy did not alarm you from the first moment you found out about my goal; second off, that your answer here would have been the one I had the pleasure of seeing. If you had thought that Mademoiselle Duplessis' change of lodging would deprive her of the pleasures of life, it would not have been with me that she could find those pleasures. I had not concealed my lack of fortune, nor sought to surprise your avowal by magnifying my hopes, in order to have the satisfaction of showing you that I had brought into this affair all the frankness and delicacy which befits my profession; I almost decried my father's fortune and succeeded so well that you then said to me: ”With the help of your fortune, I could wait until some brilliant affair had rescued me from obscurity.” You said this to me in much stronger terms, for your expressions were that, no longer being forced to run after an écu, I could devote myself without distraction to studies which would later make me known later as a jurisconsult, if the embarrassment of my stammer was an insurmountable obstacle which prevented me from succeeding in my pleading. It is clear that you did not flatter yourself then that I could put together a home for Mlle Duplessis. However, this beloved child was still not less dear to you at the moment and you surely didn’t think that she would lose the comforts of life, but you understood that there was a way to arrange it so that she would not have to make any sacrifice until the time which is not far off, when my condition would bring me 10 to 12 thousand livres. Did Mlle. Duplessis need a house other than yours for a few years? I would even have liked her to continue to live together with you, and for the change in her adress, while at the same time making me the happiest of all men, only to have added to the sweetnesses of life without it costing her any deprivation. Although the dowry I propose to give her is of a certain consistency, you may remember that when you mentioned this section, I kept silent. Surely, to wait until my estate was enough I did not need to find a dowry. At the present moment, I am able to count only on 3 or 4 thousand livres that I would get this year from my work or from my father. But wouldn’t these 4 thousand livres, joined to the 3 or 4 that you would give to mademoiselle your daughter, be enough for a house worthy of her? Of you I wouldn’t ask for anything more. She would have brought a thousand amiable qualities into the household; as for me, I would have put my estate there and I dare say some talents. It would have been a marriage without a dowry like that of the laborers, but those of that time are well worth those of ours. I never made mine a business, the only dowry I would have asked for was that one loves me, not as much as I do (in return), that is impossible, but I am sure that mademoiselle your daughter would have been touched to see me solely occupied with the care of paying her the debt of happiness that I would have contracted.

You urged me to overcome my affection. If it were only an affection, it could be overcome, but the wound is deeper. Remember, monsieur, in what dejection I appeared before you, my state had become so violent that whatever you might have said to me, it was impossible for my pain to wring my heart more on leaving your house compared to what fear had caused it upon entering. That is why, even though it cost me, I begged you to tear off the blindfold and uproot my hope. But how much you have decreased it instead. I only asked for a distant hope and you gave me a near hope. Fortune, you told me, would not determine your choice and you did not make happiness consist of fortune. I exercised an honorable profession that it was not even necessary to fulfill with a certain brilliance in order to appear to you worthy of belonging to you; it was enough for you that your daughter was loved tenderly and constantly and that second to her your son-in-law loved only work. Who would have believed in my place that this son-in-law was really me. You did more: you invited me to spend holidays and Sundays at your countryhouse and you allowed me, you even warned me to let my father know about this interview. At this moment my father has probably written to you and part of my joy was to think about he who does not care about the dowry (that of my mother, who is still whole despite our misfortunes because it has always been sacred in his eyes, was more important) but who loves me with tenderness and is no doubt delighted that I have finally obtained this demoiselle Duplessis of whom I have been speaking to him incessantly for five years and whom he wanted me to show him when he spent a few days in Paris two years ago. In my letter from March 22, it was no longer vain conjectures and equivocal walks in the Luxembourg that I entertained, it was speeches that a father of a family had given me, hadn't I had to base myself entirely on his answer?

It would be deceiving my honesty to make any promises to me at this time, considering the young age of your daughter. If you only wish to postpone the term of my happiness, I have already waited five years, and I can still wait another two and even more, but since I above all make happiness consist in this thought that we love each other for life, I only beg you to tell me if after two years and when my heart has perhaps been consumed by these attachments, I will not have to renounce the sweet habit of loving her. My age was no more advanced four days ago when you gave me such imminent hopes. Also this reason that you bring is not the real one and you yourself do not disguise it from me. An even more essential point to observe to you, is that it for me would be putting up a barrier against the parties which within two years could present themselves and to make you give yourself up to opportunities which fulfill your views. As for what concerns me in this article, what occasion, what views can you tell me about? What purpose can I have but to be happy, and I can only be so, monsieur, with you. Where can I find another family that I love so much? I have gone too far with mademoiselle Duplessis to ever retrace my steps, and if you come to take away from me the hope that you have made me conceive, you will have unwittingly caused the misfortune of my life. I come to the great reason, that it would be to put up a barrier against the parties which could present themselves within two years. If, when you did me the honor of granting me an interview, you had said that to me, everything would have been very clear and I would have had nothing to respond to. But, since then, you declared to me that fortune would not decide your choice for mademoiselle your daughter, and that you would seek for her only a husband who would love her with tenderness; so you mean that in two years from now there may come people who like her better than me. If so, let it be. All of them will undoubtedly love her positively, but to love her more desperately than me will be difficult. And I will always have been five years ahead.

You told me enough that you had not changed your mind in regards to me, and that, if I succeeded in destroying the motives that you were good enough to explain to me in detail, you would return to your first feelings. It seems to me that I have replied in a satisfactory manner to the objections of M. Duplessis; I therefore conjure you to come back to your first favorable dispositions and return for me the heart of a father. I would very much like you and Madame Duplessis to grant me an interview. I would remove all of your doubts, and I would come down to details that cannot enter into a letter: do not push me away from your bosom but allow me to give you both names to which my heart would refuse if I had to give them to others. It is with these feelings that I have the honor to be, monsieur, your very humble and very obedient servant. DESMOULINS  Lawyer in parliament.

According to Hervé Leuwers’ Desmoulins biography, Claretie did for some reason leave out the following part when transcribing the letter: ”D’allieurs, ai-je donc demandé Mlle Duplessis pour le moment? J’ai demandé seulement si je pourrais obtenir un jour sa main, quand mon état serait pleinement fait.” which suggests Camille wasn’t actually asking if he could marry Lucile right away, just if he could call dibs on her for the future.

As for why the family fell out with Camille a year after the letter was penned down, to the extent that they asked him to stop visiting them, that is hard to know for sure considering we don’t have their letters on their issue (and those of Camille are both vague and bias in his favor). My best guess is that he simply wouldn’t shut up about the engagement and they kicked him out for that reason.

[themontgomeryinstitute]

Journal of David Borne (pt.3)

Food for Thoughts

part 1 part 2

< Start Entry >

Date:  05/06/2010 Name: Dr. David Borne The Boss has warned me again. “Too much… giving in- I can’t think of the word right now… can lead to the subjects feeling as if they have the authority here.” Though, I’m pretty sure he just means that they might start getting cocky and actually speak their minds. It’s been getting worse lately. The blanks… There's more of them now. There used to be few, they’d pop up sometimes, now though- it’s like they’re at every corner of my mind. It’s like there’s something eating away at it, however unlikely that might be.  It started, frankly, after I had started my job at this facility, its role, or other details I am not permitted to reveal, even in such a personal document. I do not doubt I would have been - disposed of - to say the least, if any of this were to be discovered by another otherwise. I’d rather be safe than sorry, no matter what might be happening to my brain. The subjects have been as cooperative as always however, which may or may not be the thing that has me staying at this job, other than the fact I probably won’t have the time to find another job before whatever is after me gets me.  I don’t know what it’s preying on, whether it is my knowledge or my personal memories, I have done enough studying of the different types of long and short term memory that I do not intend to get into here. Whatever it may be I can know for a fact it is not my procedural memory, of that I am certain. I don’t know how, I don’t know why but I am. Sitting at my station, writing this on this junk of a computer, I’m quite surprised it is able to follow my fingers as they type out the keys, but maybe it is that I have become slower. Sometimes I mess up, but rather than forgetting where the keys are, which my muscle memory is adequate at preventing, my mind forgets the spellings, forgets the words, which letters make them up, I will find myself writing a word only to doubt whether such a combination of letters really exists, whether or not I have misspelt a word so gravely I forgot what I had been writing in the first place. Thank Gods for autocorrect.  Sometimes a word will come to mind, but no matter how many times I have heard it before my mind will be unable to link it to a meaning. I don’t know what I would do without the internet and a dictionary. I find myself making many mistakes while writing this, which I usually wouldn’t have done. Or, at least I don’t think so. I used to write, I’m pretty sure I used to write quite a lot before I received this job, though leaving, I’m sure, is not an option. I read somewhere, there’s an entity that can consume memories, though as far as I am aware it is entirely fictional, and our institute does not house any supernatural or similar entities. I’ve gotten much off topic, whatever it was meant to be. I do not think there was ever talent present within me, for writing especially, when all I can do is ramble like this. But- if I continue to write these ramblings then maybe I won’t forget, or will have something to look back on to help myself remember. [...] I should get back to work…

< End Entry >

part 4 part 5

Singed, Andrew Kaszovski

Date of post: 13/10/11

[stormboundscholar]

Journal Entry

December 4, 2023

Hey everyone, welcome back to my blog. I haven't posted in a while, and I must sadly admit this will probably happen again. I have decided to stick to a journal-like type of blog instead so that things are easier to follow.

***Note: This post sadly turned into a rant as I was writing it. It may be a bit of a downer, so feel free to skip this one if you want.

Well, things have certainly changed a lot lately.

Let's start with my social life. It should be the most important part of the human experience after all. It hasn't been great. Even though I didn't appreciate it enough, I was actually well liked by all of my classmates. This sadly changed after several blunders by the school administration. My teachers like me a lot, and (not bragging about it, just a fact) I am the best student in my class by many metrics. Long story short, my teachers sadly showed their favoritism way too much, and I sadly lost some friends over that. I also lost a lot of goodwill with the friends that stayed.

Everyone wants to be at the top, in my current environment that puts a target on my back. I wanted to avoid the worst effects of this by trying my best to be nice to everyone, but sadly I failed. I still try to act friendly with everyone but I've been getting the cold shoulder a lot more than usual. What started as friendly competition has turned into rivalry and I hate it.

Weirdly enough, I have started doing better with my exams. There seems to be a correlation between my loneliness and success. I guess that's a silver lining.

Well, while my exam results are getting better, I must admit that my work ethic has suffered a lot lately. There are just a lot of stressful things I have to juggle at once. My teachers are continuing to hand out tens of pages of homework like usual. The spectre of my University entrance exams are looming on my back like always, getting ever closer. An involuntary, but still sedentary lifestyle is actively hurting my body and mind. I am trying to keep my calories in check to avoid the worst effects but I guess it is still affecting me. I am not a winter person so that's another issue that annoys me from time to time. Lately I just haven't had a lot of energy to study because I have to deal with all that.

I've also been indulging my addictions more and more as of late. My brain just wants the easy serotonin that social media provides. I hate that this piece of shit is basically all the entertainment I have, or I would have thrown away my phone by now... Damn it!

Things were going great. Where did I mess up? Winter is always an unproductive season for me but I didn't think that it would be this bad!

I need to get my shit together and fast. It's possible to handle most of my problems , just a little too hard for my tastes. I still hope that I can return here with good news soon

Well, this unintentionally turned into a rant. I know that it may have been a bit of a downer, but I just had to spill my thoughts out somewhere. Maybe I will try to make a more uplifting post tomorrow, plan what I can do to solve my problems.

In any case, that's all for now. Good night everyone, and good luck!