#thinkin about life and creativity and stuff

[e77y]

This song injures me like no other. Augh

[dan-crimes]

Maybe I outta just write a self insert into something, I'm just such an inconsistent character tho :T

I wonder how much I could project onto a character before people would start to notice

[abyss-presence]

Note: this follows the theory that the protagonist is a younger version of Joseph Randolph; the protagonist is addressed as 'Joey' and with he/him pronouns; Trash Collector is addressed as 'Ro' for the last part and with they/them pronouns; ooc?; like one or two swears; no ships

A short stop for rest

Running around the Heilwald Klinikum was exhausting and quite frankly terrifying. It seems that the courtyard is the only relatively safe place where Joey can rest. And plus, the Trash Collector is there! Maybe he should ask what their name is, after all this time... But also, does he really need to? They don't seem particularly offended about it, nor have they ever brought it up themself. As he walked forward into the main part where he knew he'd find his buddy, he thought about giving them a nickname instead. Calling them 'Trash Collector' every single time feels a bit too much, so a nickname would totally work, right? He just needs to think of one...

Once he arrived, he sat down on the stairs leading up to the library, resting his arms on his knees while pondering over the matter. A nickname... Was he even creative enough to think of one? He's a med trainee, he's barely qualified to do his own fucking job yet and that stresses him out beyond belief, so it feels like his mind is way too preoccupied to participate in simple endeavors like this one.

Anyway, while he was sitting and sulking, Trash Collector actually noticed him. They came over and sat down next to Joey, mostly out of curiosity.

"What are you doing?" Joey almost fell back out of surprise and anxiety. That prompted a giggle from the Trash Collector. It sounded weird, but at the same time extremely mischievous. Did they do this on purpose? What a bastard.

"Nothing much... Just... thinkin'."

"About what?"

"About life. Like, all of this... I don't think I've acknowledged just how... insane all of this is," quickly realizing that he was about to start rambling, Joey added: "sorry, you probably don't need to hear about that stuff."

"No. Go ahead."

"Huh?" He was confused. Why would the Trash Collector of all people care about his thoughts?

And almost like reading his mind, they responded:

"You've listened to what I have to say. I want to hear you back."

"But–"

"The trash doesn't count. You've listened to me before that, have you not?"

Damn it. That was a fair point. Were they being genuine? Or was this another scheme to manipulate him...

No, no, he shouldn't think about them like that. They're different. They're not... hostile. At all. Even the Ominous Voice couldn't give him that. But they can and it confuses Joey just as everything else in this cursed place. Maybe he should reconsider his career choice...

"Well? You gonna talk or not?"

"Oh, um– yeah, yeah... I was just..." Wait, what should he even say? About the nickname and whatnot, or about just everything else?

Trash Collector scoffs and nudges Joey on the shoulder, "Come on, just spill it already. It's not like you're hiding government secrets, right?"

"No, of course not." Joey sighed and brushed his hair back, a habit he'd picked up in his teenage years when he desperately tried to straighten out his hair. Whatever he did, it never worked. He's in his 20s now and his locks still stay proudly fluffy. "There's just a lot going on in my mind. Um... Would it be okay if I gave you a nickname?"

"Hold it, what have you been calling me all this time?"

"Trash Collector..."

"You can't be serious." Somehow it was clear to Joey that they were more amused than upset.

"Sorry... I couldn't think of anything better. But yes, I got lazy with referring to you in such a way in my mind, and, to be fair, I don't really want to know your real name. Unless you want to tell me?"

"No, not at all."

"Figures. So how about this: I will tell you my nickname, and you'll tell me yours. Surely you have one?"

"Yes, I do. It's a sensible deal, kiddo."

"You can't call me 'kiddo,' you're like, only 2 years older than me."

"I'm 42."

"Nevermind." The two of them laughed it off, but Joey's smile quickly vanished. It feels like he understood just how tired he is only now, in this very moment. The pitter patter of rain hitting the concrete ground was a rather soothing noise despite the gloomy atmosphere it created. But at this point, what isn't gloomy about this place? It's like it's eating him alive, devouring whatever positive feelings he'd harbored before. What did he do to deserve this? What kind of deadly sin he committed that all of this fell on his shoulders and crashed him under the pressure? He couldn't answer that question even if he tried.

"What's wrong, son? I can practically smell the negativity on you." Joey scoffed at that, once again smoothing his hair back.

"I'm pretty sure it's not 'negativity' that you can smell. But, um... I don't know, like I said, there's just too much to think about. Anyway, about the nicknames."

"Right. Mine's Rat man."

"People just call you rat man?"

"Yes, but I don't really mind. There are always worse things they could call me, aren't there?"

"Fair point. Call me Joey."

"Oh how nice, you have an actual name." Trash Collector quickly made the connection that Joey must be a short version of the name Joseph, which was... suspicious, to say the least. Is it just a coincidence? Probabaly. And if it is, it's a funny one.

"Don't say it like that. I don't have nearly enough brain power to think about anything other than surviving and making basic conclusions right now, so it's not like I can give you an actual name." Surviving... Ha, such irony it is to call this experience 'surviving.'

"It's all good Joe, I never asked you to anyway."

"You're not even saying it correctly."

"I'm aware." Joey only rolled his eyes at seeing that mischievous smile on their face again.

"Then I'm gonna call you Ro."

"Why Ro?"

"Because I don't want to call you a rat."

It was strangely sweet of Joey, but Ro isn't even surprised at this point. Just at a glance they got the impression that he was a good guy. Or at least tried to be. And the more they talked to one another, the more that belief firmed in their mind.

And while they were thinking this situation over, Joey actually fell asleep, leaning against their side. Not the greatest idea considering how dirty they are, but to be fair, Joey is not exactly clean himself.

Ro sighs quietly and puts one of their arms around Joey's shoulder to keep him from falling off and lean back, staring up at the dark sky above. Might as well get comfortable now, who knows how much sleep this kid will need after everything they went through?

[iantimony]

duesday

listening: idk, stuff on my phone on shuffle. some more coral bones youthemism i guess. friends at the table sangfielle, episode 3; i might not actually relisten to the rest of the arcs i already did and just skim the transcripts.

no children (ska remix) by sad snack: im back in my ska era. really funny song to have an upbeat ska tone.

the mountain goats deserters fan album: have not listened to the whole album yet but god, what a cool and unique thing that i don't think could really exist for most other bands. Five Fucking Hours

reading: Polynesian Tattooing Tools, linked from Fairhaven comic

why gen z is obsessed with point-and-shoot digital cameras: it's funny because a few months ago i was considering getting a cheap point-and-shoot to fuck around with. looks like i am not the only one who was thinkin about it.

i'm working my way through le guin's 'the left hand of darkness'! i bounced off it the first time i tried reading it a few years ago but last year i read a le guin short story anthology that had some stories set on karhide and i think that gave me a good enough primer on the world/her writing style to get it to stick this time. i'm enjoying it! it's a good book!

watching: mina le - booktok & the hotgirlification of reading: some good background video for crochet etc. bernadette banner - hand sewing regency stays should be quick...right?: oughhhhh so pretty. bernadette banner - this regency court gown is probably my favorite project ever: i won't lie i got a little misty-eyed at the artisans getting to sign their names on the robe.

rewatched the gay and wondrous life of caleb gallo. i forgot how good it is, it really holds up and is still funny

also, continued doctor who watch/rewatch. i'm ngl i think the way rory and amy were shoved off screen was...really stupid. "he can't go back to that specific year in ny :(" ok, before amy gets zapped back you just go "yo go to new jersey in a few days" and go pick them up. really silly imo

playing: fallow. did buy miserichord, omori, and slay the princess in the steam summer sale. i have signalis, voyager 19, and a short hike in my cart as we speak. more games that i haven't played to feed the steam library let's goooo

making: crocheted some granny squares.

pattern for the yellow one is this lantana square...if anyone has any interesting looking granny square patterns that would be good in one solid color send em my way!

thinking of getting this pattern too.

i realized this past week that my urge to Make has been very stale and derivative the past few years, if that makes sense. like i don't feel Creative, i see something and mimic it - i do paintings based on photos i took, i follow knitting patterns, i come across something ceramic and decide to make one of my own, i find reference images to copy. but no actual, like, Inventing on my own end. i think that's why i haven't done a lot of fanart or fanfiction as well, just no ideas. i know that's just part of the cycle of creativity and i'm just in a "hunter-gatherer" period of amassing skills and references but idk. i'm tired of it. i want to create more meaningful things but i have no actual ideas, the well feels dry, and i'm not sure how to fix that.

eating: fallow

misc: stares at my mom and brother doing politics doomerism re: supereme court ruling in the family group chat. looks away. chants 'nothing ever happens' to myself like a mantra.

[silverzoomies]

I’m so curious to see who you’d ship me with because I completely trust your judgement… so here goes nothing. 🌸💐🌷

-I’m a 23 year old female who���s currently in college for criminal justice and psychology. I’m awful at math but love love love science.

-I love animals, I have lots of snakes, lizards, fish, dogs, cats. I’m not opposed to anything besides spiders

-I love listening to music and my favorite artists are Taylor swift, Hozier, P!nk, and Kelly Clarkson. I like to think I’m a creative person but idk. I like to craft and scrapbook, make jewelry etc.

-im a perfectionist and if Im not instantly good at something I get very frustrated.

-I also have depression (yay) anxiety, autism, and possible ADD. People have told me I’m good at ‘hiding’ it and ‘fitting in’ though.

-im super shy in real life. Like beyond shy. Im not a fan of physical touch but if it was someone I really liked, I wouldn’t mind. My love language is gift giving.

-I like to cook, I play piano and guitar, and I like to go on a lot of spontaneous adventures because if my mind comes up with an idea I have to play it out that moment or I go insane.

-im pretty good at adjusting to any environment and tend to mimic people to fit in. I like to people watch and kind of mirror their personality and actions.

-winter is my favorite season and Halloween is my favorite holiday. I’d say I’m a pretty morbid person by societies standards. Like animals in jars and black clothes… listening to true crime podcasts to fall asleep. Stuff like that. I’m kind of goth, I’d say? I also love makeup and rarely leave the house without it on

oh...oh my gosh...ohohohohoh buckle up, my good buddy pal,, i've got a super fun one for you !!! i'm gonna put a read more, since this one's kinda long !! you gave me a lot of detail to work with !!

✧❁❁✧✿✿✧❁❁✧🧡💛📚🧡💛✧❁❁✧✿✿✧❁❁✧

right off the bat, you talk about studying criminal justice and psychology. which are very respectable fields of education. it sounds to me like you're really takin' your education seriously !! and that's wonderful !! y'know...that kinda reminds me of a certain boy...

so, y'know who also takes his education pretty seriously? a guy who wants to change the world for the better? i'm def thinkin' of pre-death kyle for you. sorry. SORRY, OKAY !! i know what you're thinkin'...oh, zoomies, you're only saying this because i've got kyle in my url. ABSOLUTELY NOT !!

you make yourself out to be such a genuine sweetheart with a wide range of interests !! you're creative and down to earth - both of which are traits i think kyle would absolutely swoon over !! you treat animals with kindness, and you love every single one. c'mon...doesn't he seem like the same ?? if you showed him the super gnarly pets you have, i know for a gosh dang fact he'd think they're the coolest ever !!

mans unapologetically loves music. dude was so open about how much he liked toto. based btw. i can totally see him vibin' to your favorite tunes too. bobbin' his head, singin' along. no matter how feminine the songs seem, he really wouldn't care !! he'd have fun with 'em anyway !!

i think he wouldn't want you to hide how you feel, or mask yourself for the sake of fitting in. he likes you for your genuine self. the creative person you are, with all your talents - writing, music, cooking, making jewelry. he'd want you to be yourself openly and freely. and he'd be super patient and encouraging about it too !! kyle's a sweetheart !! you put two sweethearts together ?? recipe for love !! 💛🧡❤️

[its-all-papaya]

oh no don't feel bad about not being able to update before spa!! writing should always be a way to let creativity flow, not make you cry! love your writing but don't let yourself be pressured by thinking you're disappointing someone. i'm looking forward to the sequel and tbh i'd rather read it knowing you're happy and satisfied with it, than unhappy, stressed and rushed. take all the time you need!! plus f1 summer break is coming, so whenever you're ready!! we'll be happy!! sending you a hug!! (if you want one) can i get one more snippet for the word game? maybe there's "think" in there? <3

"maybe there's 'think' in there" plz :,)

if there's one thing about anybody, nowhere lando, that boy is THINKIN. so far (~3.2k of stuff I don't despise) "think" is in there 29 times + six "thought"s just for fun. I picked my favorites for you <3

It’s bargaining when he speaks again. He thinks of grief and wants to laugh at the irony.

and

If he was a better man, his vision would blur with the intensity of the thought; he can think of Oscar now, or he can think of Oscar every time he looks at that P1 trophy for the rest of his life.

anyway ughhhh I've spent like 4-5 combined hours trying to decide what to do with the middle of this sequel and I think I'm just stressing myself out now and it's making me forget english. literally all of anybody, nowhere (minus the final part in lando's driver's room) and also the start of AN2 came so easily to me that idk really how to fix this bc I didn't have to fix anything until now. I think (me /handshake/ lando) that once I hit on a structure I like for it, I'll be back in the zone, but it's just taking a bit to get there.

I appreciate your words so much though, and this really does help ♥️ unfortunately the reason I like writing lando is because I am inside his head a bit... which is to say that there's a healthy amount of self-imposed pressure making this whole thing much worse rn. I'll get there with it, I think, but yeah. Perhaps after Spa.

thank you, hug accepted, you're so kind, i'll cry in a good way instead now abt this ask

[just-a-carrot]

Been thinkin' about things a wee bit and I wanted to say thank you Carrot for what you've made and continue to make. On bad and good days alike I've found one of the core messages of OW ('keep at it despite it all') to be really helpful. It's one of those messages I just kind of needed to hear at the time I heard it and I give my sincerest thanks for it

(And also the games overall have been a big source of comfort in various aspects but here's just one of them that I've been thinking about)

thank you???? 😭💕

ahhh... this message is really sweet. it's making me a bit emotional

especially as this last month i've hit a bit of burn-out... besides the fact that i've been so busy with real-life obligations and trips and then sickness and tiredness, i just haven't been able to get my creative juices flowing at all 💦 like i'm still actively thinking about the game and chars and enjoy working on the doodles and self-indulgent little art stuff, but i can't get back into a creative production mindset at all and it's making me feel even worse...

so hearing how much the game and its messages can mean to someone really means a lot. i've put over 2 years of my life into this game doing basically nothing but work on it in my free time 🤣 i'm really glad if there are people out there that can connect and relate to it at least in small part and take something away from it or get some comfort or even inspiration from it 💕

so thank you so much for taking the time to send in this message, it really touched me a lot 💕

[kozykricket]

ve nt

yknow i kinda cant formulate many venty thoughts rn but like

i realized (?) that something that pervades many aspects of my life is . weird fluctuation in caring for stuff? like. literally anything, it applies to anything. i was thinkin about my Future and stuff and i was like "god, what if i just ... stop caring in the middle of college?" and not in a like "im super stressed, i cant be bothered to care anymore. im so burnt out" way (although thats also a concern) but just in a "hm, i suddenly do not feel strong feeligns towards this thing i felt powerful feelings towards!" its weird. maybe it wouldnt apply to college/uni stuff, maybe it'd only be the stress/burnout that'd make me not care about some Future Responsibility. but i do ponder if i'd just magically lose interest... because sometimes i do that for things ...other , separate big concern is that ill just. not be able to get things done that are thrown my way, because like. ive not got a great track record for having a smooth creative process that doesnt involve burning myself out or overthinking or perfectionism i def gotta practice taking things one step at a time and in nonstressful ways

[jokersdiamond]

So tired a' bein' told/seein' my love for him is wrong...

Did he break me? Oh sure. Y'know what I also did? Hit back. Screamed an' threatened violence. Maybe I wasn't as "bad" as he was...but I wasn't exactly innocent in my memories. Who I am is what he allowed me ta be; who I loved bein' outside a'...society's norms.

Ain't exactly legal ta own two spotted hyenas. They were my babies, all tha' same.

An' what about Pammy? People jus' gonna conveniently forget she hurt me, too? Tried ta kill me a few dozen times fa' bein' "annoying" or whatevah? I loved (an' still love) her, too.

Brucie didn't exactly hit soft. I kissed that man!!! I would do it again!

Laughable thinkin' anyone I could be wit' hadn't hurt me- physically, btw- in tha' past. "Oh, but they wouldn't keep doing it, is the point-" LMAO! LOL!!! I'm always gonna be annoying!!! It's my heart an' soul, bein' a villain... Though I don't mind tha' antihero stuff, in this new life. A dash a' chaos to keep spirits light, ya feel?

...I 'unno. I like tha' creative folk. I like some sources who don't treat me like a dumb blonde bimbo. Who know that I fuckin' faked my bubbly personality on purpose cause I wanted to trick people inta' underminin' my abilities.

I love bein' loved!! Don't like seein' how tha' perception a' me shifts over time.

...But I guess that's why a bit more source separation would do me some good. 🤷‍♀️

[xaeyrnofnbe]

(be warned. this is just a whole lot of me dumping my c!benchtrio headcanons onto a page)

thinkin about a dream smp au where c!benchtrio have finally had enough so they say screw it and run away together (with michael and shroud) to go settle down in a valley somewhere where nobody will ever find them again (aside from maybe phil’s crows. i like to imagine there’s at least a couple crows following each person at all times, just cause of how many there are).

i know it’s not a new idea whatsoever, but it’s popped into my mind again and it’s going places. they’d have a little group of buildings, farms, maybe some cute cobblestone walls that don’t get any taller than your waist, a dock for fishing and just for hanging out, plenty of benches…

their designs would change a bit, too. less formal wear, less “combat casual”, more practical and comfortable clothes. probably stuff with lots of pockets.

maybe they wouldn’t be alone in their little valley. maybe some travelers or other runaways would stumble upon their cottages and cobblestone towers, and maybe they’d join in on the shenanigans that would surely be commonplace. the three would probably get into more trouble than they did previously, and now with no authority or controlling figures to punish them for having fun and being kids, there’s no telling what kind of adventures they’d have.

and of course they would come up with a silly little name for their home, accompanied by a flag. i don’t think any of them would really be in charge, though. if anyone were to be in charge, i think the three would just all be president. it’s funnier that way.

they’d all be so dramatic. no more life-or-death stakes anymore, but just as many passionate speeches and quarrels and moments of togetherness. they’ve declared war on each other who knows how many times but all it really is is being petty friends. it’s all lighthearted, it’s all in jest, it’s all just fun to pass the time.

oooh and it would be a fantastic situation to play around with what kind of hobbies they would have. personally, i like to imagine that tubbos a hardcore tinkerer, and constantly comes up with new gadgets and tools, and even little robots sometimes. plus, after being in so many explosions, his right arm could only take so much damage before he needed a mechanical replacement.

i’m a big fan of the popular headcanon that tommy likes to sew and do other handcrafts, so that would definitely be a thing. he’d also probably rescue a lot of animals. he’s got his own little area where he keeps them all (there’s a lot of them). he also probably likes to test out tubbos more potentially dangerous gadgets.

and then ranboo probably does a lot of farming and mining (tubbos more of a builder, tommy’s more of a “runs around and wreaks havoc”-er) he helps provide for the others. his character was always a little hard to grasp so it’s difficult to imagine what he’d do in his spare time, but probably a lot of similar things to his friends. perhaps he’s into fashion and helps tommy make clothes (tommy’s great at the making part but can’t come up with a good design to save his life)

and the kids!! they’re best friends. personality wise, i imagine michaels pretty rambunctious. taking after his uncle tommy. he’s probably a bit of a leader, too, and takes after tubbo in the way that he also likes to tinker. shrouds more quiet and reserved, but really creative and likes to learn all sorts of skills. the two are a package deal and a menace to anyone who turns their back for too long. oh and if it wasn’t clear already, i’m imagining the two as being at least partially humanoid.

idk i’m just. it’s a shame how much they’ve all been through, (hell, two of them have died) and i think it’s good fun to imagine what could have been.

[savethelastdan]

Sesskagu Week Day 2: Green (Apart)

Idea came from @dearestpartnerofgreatness​

"I was wonderin' when you'd get here." Sliding both hands behind his head, Inuyasha looked his half-brother up and down with more than a little smugness. "Took a week to finally admit to yourself that you were wrong, stupid?"

"I was not wrong," Sesshomaru growled, despite the tinge of relief that the hanyou's statement proved that he'd successfully hunted Kagura down. That he'd spotted his brother sleeping on a curved branch of a tree outside heart of the village was both a detriment (in that he had to listen to him talk) and a blessing (he had no interest in walking around the village looking like a fool while she danced around avoiding him). "She overreacted."

A single dog ear twitched in amusement. "Great apology. Should go over well."

"I would think," Sesshomaru retorted, voice lowering as a group of villagers reached the top of the hill and promptly about-faced upon seeing him, "you would welcome the opportunity to remove her from your home, so that you may have peace once again."

Inuyasha's mouth opened comically wide before snapping shut. "Humph. Fine."

Stretching until several bones in his back cracked, he leapt down from the tree and bounded off. Sesshomaru turned his back to the tree, trying to appear unflappable as possible.

He hadn't been wrong, no matter how much the wind sorceress fussed. If anything, she had taken advantage of his generosity. Had he not lost months of sleep, seeking a way to stuff her soul back in an unmastered body, with an unmastered heart at her disposal? Had he not then allowed her to join his party on their travels despite the constant arguing between herself and Jaken and how his mood suffered because of it?

She had repaid him by deciding, for no reason at all, to start collecting. Nothing of importance; naturally, the bits and bobbles that drew Kagura's interest were as useless as they were commonplace. Withering leaves, sharp stones in muddied colors, feathers and scales and scraps of cloth or petrified wood, all constantly underfoot.

It was childish. It was pointless. And so, after the hundredth time something small and irksome found itself under his foot, Sesshomaru had tossed the whole pile away.

Which was how he'd been left with a blow to his chest that took a full day to heal, while Kagura ran off to invade Inuyasha's stupid little house in the stupid little village. The fact she'd rather be surrounded by humans than be around him was taken with the full force of insult she'd meant it to be. By now she'd probably convinced Kohaku and Rin to take her side…

At least he had Jaken's understanding.

He should not even be rewarding such a tantrum, by marching here to collect her. But…despite the headaches that her presence occasionally brought, her absence had endeared him to certain feelings. Those that, perhaps, could be analogized to how Kagura herself might have felt, back in the days where her much-wanted heart had been miles away.

Not that he could ever bring himself to say something like that out loud. Even to her, who had managed to wring quite a few utterances out of him that even Rin would have had trouble believing had come from Sesshomaru's own tongue.

There had to be a line somewhere.

(Perhaps time would wear it down, eventually, but unless she came home, the situation was moot.)

Annoyance stung the space behind his teeth as Inuyasha returned, no wind witch in tow. From the grumpy expression on the hanyou's face, he wasn't too thrilled about it either.

"She says she ain't interested in talkin' to ya." Folding both arms over his chest, Inuyasha glared in Sesshomaru's direction. "But you're right, she's overstayed her welcome. So start thinkin' how you're going to convince her to leave."

Sesshomaru bristled; demonic energy flooded his veins. "I do not take orders from- "

"Cut it out, you stopped being scary when you let Kagome start callin' ya Big Brother." The last few words were said in a high-pitched mimicry of the priestess, though it was quickly followed by the classically-ridiculous smile that Inuyasha always got when he mentioned his wife. "If it helps, I think she's just being difficult. She stopped thinkin' up creative ways to kill you a few days ago; the rest of the time, she's just been moping around. One gritted-teeth apology'll probably work."

That most certainly did not help, because as soon as they were in the same room again Sesshomaru was sure the reason for her ire would no doubt return in full force.

Inuyasha's brow dropped. "You seriously not gonna do it?"

"Would you?" Sesshomaru retorted icily, before he could stop himself.

"I," Inuyasha said, with the slow relish of someone who had been waiting for this exact question, "would've never thrown out her stuff in the first place."

Tenseiga and Bakusaiga's commentary was, while amusing, not particularly useful. Beating his brother to a pulp for being a know-it-all would do nothing but earn the ire of his sister-in-law. Which Sesshomaru did not need today.

"What's the problem with having stuff, anyway," Inuyasha continued, scratching behind one ear as though this was a casual family visit. "Other than the fan and feathers, it's not like she got to keep any shit around before. From what Kohaku said, Naraku didn't like for any of 'em to go exploring much, either. She's got the time and you've got the space, so it's a stupid thing to fight about."  

As much as he did not want to admit it (and one could imagine just how much that was), that was a fair point. As was his belief that she could have chosen a more interesting and less obnoxious form of self-expression.

"You know, she mentioned somethin' a few times when she was cursing you…" Trying to keep his tone even was difficult, but the thought of Kagura going home helped. Even though this particular statement felt kinda unfair, even against someone like Sesshomaru. "How you didn't lift a finger to save her life, and now you won't even let her enjoy it, or…?"

Sitting with his feet propped on the windowsill, Jaken hummed a happy tune. It had been over a week without the annoying witch around, and he felt in much better spirits with her gone! No more sudden bursts of wind to knock him over in the corridors, or piles of random garbage from who-knew-where cluttering up the place. And there was still at least two weeks before Rin and Kohaku came for their annual summer visit and disturbed his peace.

Granted, Lord Sesshomaru's mood had been…sour since she'd gone, to the point that he'd left the castle in a huff the day before. But that was not a problem for Jaken; if anything, it hopefully meant that soon they'd be back to the old days of 24/7-wandering, offering challenges to whatever foolish yokai crossed their path! Not that having time to rest in the castle wasn't nice, but he certainly missed the days before Lord Sesshomaru had settled down, so-to-speak, and regulated his travels to the fall and spring seasons.  

Suddenly, a powerful aura electrified the air, sending a chill zipping up through his legs. Leaning towards the window, he scanned the landscape with excitement. That must be Lord Sesshomaru! Perhaps he had returned with a task, a quest, just like the days before his Lord's heart had turned -

Oh no. Oh no.

Because yes, indeed, there was his esteemed Lord touching down in the front courtyard. But unfortunately, right at his side, with a smile he could see from here, was that annoying sorceress. As he watched, Sesshomaru brushed a hand against her arm with such uncharacteristic softness that it made the kappa feel ill.

Kagura said something (probably wicked, from the way her scarlet eyes glinted in the sunlight) and then twisted to unload something off her back. To Jaken's horror, she was carrying a knapsack. The same one she used to collect her stupid little trinkets all the time.

And it looked heavy.

[soysaucevictim]

Gymrat!AU Masterlist [TSS]

Since this AU is accumulating enough material for it’s own masterlist...

Mind the tags/descriptions/ratings!

Human / Slice of Life. The Sides workout at the same gym, with different histories and motivations to hit the mat. (Lots of platonic DLAMPR stuff to be expected here!)

[ Ao3 Series | Tumblr Tag ]

Playlist - “Body Movin“ [ YouTube ]

Writing

Cherry Cola (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] -  Roman is forced to face his own limits, during one particularly reckless day at the gym. Roman-centric.

Taste The Heat (Mature) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] Remus has many reasons he enjoys doing exercise. It’s healthy. It’s distracting… let’s just say, there’s “self care” and then there’s self care. Remus-centric.

The Wheels Keep Spinning Around (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - Remus is incorrigible, but Virgil doesn’t mind. Tree poses or spinning kicks, stress relief is stress relief. Virgil-centric.

“aching, shaking, breaking (like humans do)” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - Remus thinks Hypnos has abandoned him for good (metaphorically speaking), Patton is there to help. Patton-centric.

“more than ever, hour (work is never over)” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - Logan goes for a run, and hits a snag when Roman seems to have found himself in trouble. Again. Logan-centric. (Happens ~1 year before “Cherry Cola”, to be clear.)

“i started thinking about human nature...” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - Janus thinks Remus started off on entirely the wrong right foot with him. This is how they became best friends since. Janus-centric. (Prequel fic, taking place in high school!)

“taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - Roman may or may not be prone to getting sick, thanks to his abysmal sleep hygiene and questionable self-care habits. He’s totally not sick. He totally doesn’t need a helping hand. Roman-centric.

“you work at a smile, and you go for a ride” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - Patton’s always taking care of everyone else, that sometimes he forgets that he deserves being cared for, too. Janus helps him through one of his tougher days. Patton and Janus centric.

“what the hell is love supposed to feel like?” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - This was technically not the first time the two of them met. That was a painful day Janus couldn’t forget if they wanted. A day Roman apparently did. Maybe they both needed the fresh start. Roman and Janus centric.

“you gave me nothing at all” (Mature, only because of movie watched) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr - P1 + P2 + P3] - Let’s just say Virgil really left an impact on Remus when they first met at the fated gym... with their first date, as a treat. Remus and Virgil centric.

“can’t you see i’m a fool in so many ways” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - Roman screwed up, big time. It’s going to take a lot more to even begin to pick up the pieces and everyone tries their best to help. Roman centric.

“when you find out you live without it (go along not thinkin' about it)” (Mature) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - For Janus and Roman, it’s a good day to really treat themselves. Navigating around their mutual needs and limitations takes some creativity. Roman and Janus centric.

“so what is right and what is wrong? (gimme a sign)” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr - P1 + P2] - Janus played a part in the twins’ self-discovery, and no, she’s totally not smug about it. Janus, Remus and Roman centric.

“when i needed sunshine, i got rain” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - A couple slices of Roman and Virgil’s frictive first impressions, an olive branch is extended, and a strange truce blossoms. Virgil and Roman centric.

“mama, help me, i've been cursed” (Teen) - [ Ao3 | Tumblr ] - Remus has a not-quite-monthly visitor arrive. He’s going to make that everyone’s problem. Remus centric.

Art

Krita Practice / Concept Sketch Series - [ Photoset | Logan | Patton | Roman | Remus | Janus | Virgil ]

Character Profiles + Chrono Fic List [ Ao3 ]

Memes

Get to know... [Sexual/QPP] Roceit & [Romantic] Dukexiety

Get to know... [QPP] Intruloxiety

More TBD...

[beelsnack]

Obey Me! Boys and the Hidden Talent You Wouldn’t Expect Them To Have

Lucifer: Honestly, they had thought it was just for decoration.

Considering how little the brothers actually used anything in the music room, they had just assumed most of the instruments in there were just for show. The only reason they were proved wrong was by sheer accident.

Their insomnia had been a hindrance back in the human realm, but now that the constant darkness of the Devildom had taken a hammer to their circadian rhythm, they found themselves wandering the halls of the House of Lamentation more and more frequently in the middle of the night. While they knew they weren’t the only one awake at this hour (they had made the mistake of wandering too close to Asmo’s room and discovered that his nights were very active) they typically were the only one out of their room.

It was their second pass around the first floor when they heard it. A faint, unfamiliar melody ringing softly down the hall. Before they realized what they were doing, their feet had brought them to the music room. When they peeked through the doorway, the sight made them freeze.

Lucifer was seated on a bench, eyes closed in an uncharacteristically serene expression. The soft candlelight shone behind him, making him look every bit like the angel he once was as his long, graceful fingers plucked skillfully at the strings of the harp. The song was hauntingly beautiful, much like Lucifer himself, and something about it made the human’s breath catch in their throat.

They hadn’t thought they made a noise, but demon hearing was something else. Lucifer’s eyes snapped open, hands halting over the strings as the two of them made eye contact. 

At first, it seemed like Lucifer was preparing to scold them, and they felt themself reflexively tensing. Instead, Lucifer’s expression softened.

“You should be in bed.” his voice betrayed how tired he was, even if he appeared just fine.

“I couldn’t sleep.” they murmured. Speaking too loudly might break the spell, and this gentle illusion would shatter.

“Hm.” he motioned them forward, patting the spot next to him. The bench was small enough to when they sat down, they were shoulder-to-shoulder with Lucifer. “I couldn’t sleep either.”

“I didn’t know you could play the harp.” they blurted out. Lucifer, caught off guard by their bluntness, stared down at them for a moment before sighing. A nostalgic smile pulled at his lips, and they found themself wishing he would smile like that more often. 

“A skill left over from the Celestial Realm. Playing always put me at ease.”

“Will you keep playing for me?”

He chuckled softly. “Of course. Shall I play a lullaby for the two of us?”

Mammon: “Are we done studying yet? This sucks!”

They didn’t even bother looking up from their textbook. Mammon had done more complaining than studying at this point, and they were honestly too worked up about passing this test tomorrow to worry about entertaining him.

“You can be done if you want, I’m going to keep going.” they mumbled. They talked big, but they had been reading the same sentence over and over again without taking in a single letter. They knew that it wasn’t really helping, but they were convinced that if they didn’t spend every last second studying the material, they were going to fail spectacularly. Honestly, after one semester of Potions, they were never going to complain about chemistry every again.

“You’re gonna ruin your eyes, at this rate.”

They nearly jumped out of their skin. When had Mammon gotten up? How had he gotten behind them without them noticing? Shit, maybe they did need to give it a rest.

“Alright, alright,” they sighed. “I’m not retaining any of this stuff anymore anyway - ow, fuck!” 

“What’s wrong?” Mammon sounded unnecessarily terrified, the big worrier.

“Nothing, nothing, sorry.” they brought a hand up to the back of their neck. “Been hunched over for too long, my neck and shoulders are mad at me.”

“Damn, human, you had me thinkin’ you were dyin’ or something.” he breathed out. “Here.”

“What are - “ they cut themselves off as Mammon’s warm hands settled on their shoulders. His thumbs worked soothing circles on the column of their neck before sliding down to work on their shoulder blades.

They felt their eyes slipping close without their consent. “Holy shit, Mammon.” they probably should be a bit more concerned with how breathy their voice sounded, but he was working wonders on their stiff muscles.

He knew just how much pressure to apply, just how to move his hands. The warmth of his palms seeped through their shirt, and they let out a sigh that might have sounded a bit like a moan.

“Hey, you can’t go makin’ those noises while I’m doin’ this.” his voice had gone just a bit lower. “You’re gonna make it awkward.”

“Sorry.” they muttered. “But you’re really good at this. You should open up a massage parlor. You would make a killing.”

“Heh, I thought about it.” he pulled his hands away, and they almost whined at the loss of contact. “But I don’t want to have to rub my hands over some crusty old bastard.”

“Oh well,” they shrugged. “Guess I’ll have to just keep you to myself then.”

Leviathan: “Hey, normie, open up!”

They considered ignoring him in favor of finishing up this very intense Pokemon battle, but it was pretty rare that Levi came to their room without texting them first. With a sigh, they shut their DS and hopped off of their bed to let him in.

“What’s up?” they leaned against the doorway.

“Didn’t you hear? That new MMO is having an exclusive pre-release event. Only the first 300 can get in! Go get set up, people have been talking about this new totally OP armor they’re going to - “

Levi cut himself, peering over their shoulder and wrinkling his nose. “What’s that?”

At first, they thought he was talking about their DS, but when they looked behind them, they realized what he meant.

“Ah, yeah.” the walked over to their bed and picked up the old stuffed dragon toy. They creadled him gently to their chest and frowned a little. “He got a little roughed up on his way to the Devildom. I had to get creative.”

The toy was clearly well loved, but the real attention-grabber was the piece of duct tape holding its front left leg to the rest of it. Little bits of fluff could be seen beneath the tape and it was clear that the repair job wasn’t going to last for much longer.

Leviathan clicked his tongue. “That’s never going to hold. Bring him over after the event tonight.”

“Why?” the human tilted their head, clutching the dragon tighter like they were afraid Levi was going to mercy-kill him.

“I’m going to fix him for you, duh.” there was a faint dusting of pink high on his cheekbones, and he looked away quickly. “I don’t like to bring my sewing stuff out of my room, I’ll lose it for sure.”

“You can sew?” they sounded incredulous. “Since when?”

“Th-there was a contest a while back. Whoever made the best TSL cosplay got to have a meet and greet with the cast of the movie.” Levi looked like he was about to catch fire now. “Of-of course, I couldn’t just go buy stuff, everyone knows the handmade stuff is better, so I learned how to sew.”

“Levi, that’s amazing!”

Levi blinked. “I-It is?”

“Duh!” they beamed up at him. “I could never do anything like that! I definitely owe you one if you can fix him up for me!”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” he muttered, staring down at his feet. How was he supposed to handle getting compliments like that?

“It is!” they placed their toy back on their bed in favor of wrapping their arms around Levi’s middle. “Thank you so much!”

“Whoa, hey! You can’t just d-do that all of a sudden!”

Satan: They quite enjoyed their study dates with Satan. The two of them could sit in amiable silence for hours and just focus on getting their work done. It was peaceful, and Satan never minded if they took a rest on his shoulder

As they struggled to keep their eyes open (a coffee break might be in order soon) they caught sight of something in the margins of Satan’s notebook.

It started as idle pencil marks in the corner of the page. Little spirals that slowly transformed into vines  winding their way down the side. Delicate little flowers soon began to bloom at random intervals until finally, in the bottom corner, Satan was in the middle of doodling a lotus flower.

“That’s so pretty.” they felt Satan jump as they broke the silence.

“What?” he blinked, refocusing. “Oh. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it.”

“I should have known you were a doodler.” they laughed. “I read somewhere that people who doodle in class actually retain more information.”

“Is that right?” Satan muttered, more to himself than anything. “That explains my notes in class. I wonder if there’s a reason I enjoy drawing outside of a learning environment?”

They nudged him before he got too deep in his own thoughts. “You’re allowed to just have a hobby, Satan. There’s no need to psychoanalyze it so much.”

Asmo: When they had admitted that they had never gotten their nails done, Asmo had wasted no time in whisking them away to his room. He insisted that everyone should have a manicure at least once in their life, sat them down on the chaise lounge in his bedroom and set to work.

Admittedly, they probably should be taking care of their nails better, and it was nice to have someone pamper them a little bit. They hadn’t really been expecting the hand massage at the end.

“Oh, you have earth hands, darling.” Asmo said as he worked his thumb into the center of their palm. “Reliable, stubborn, practical. Fits you to a T!”

“Huh?”

Asmo ignored them, continuing to analyze their hand. “Your love line starts under your index finger. Well, with seven partners, I should hope you’re content with your love life.”

“Asmo, what the hell?”

“Hm? Oh, sorry, darling.” Asmo laughed, tracing his finger in a circle in the center of their hand. “I suppose I should ask before I read your palm.”

“Is that what that was?” they asked. “I didn’t know you could do that.”

“Mm, there’s plenty of things I can do, my dear.” he practically purred. “An old lover of mine was a practiced chiromancer. I always thought it was fascinating, being able to read a person just by the lines on their hands, so I had them teach me. If nothing else, it’s a neat party trick.”

“Wow...” the human murmured, staring at their hand. “What else can you tell?”

Beelzebub and Belphegor: It had been decided long ago that Beel could not be trusted with cooking duty on his own. So the twins always had joint cooking duty.

It had also been decided that Belphegor couldn’t be trusted with waking up for cooking duty, so Lucifer tacked the human on as well.

None of them particularly minded it. Well, Belphie minded it a little, seeing as Beel had to literally fireman carry him to the kitchen. But all three of them worked well as a team.

It wasn’t terribly uncommon for Beel to hum to himself when he cooked. The kitchen was his element, and cooking always seemed to put him in a cheerful mood. It was uncommon, however, for Belphie to join in.

They hadn’t really been paying attention, simply registering the twins as background noise while they focused on their task. But soon, Beel’s humming turned to lyrics in a language that the human didn’t understand, but sent a shiver up their spine anyway.

Beel sang in a smooth baritone voice that they could feel thrumming through their chest. The human found themself closing their eyes and listening, nearly forgetting that they were supposed to be chopping up mandrake root.

They almost chopped their finger off when Belphie joined in.

When they turned around, the twins had their backs facing either other, but they had paused in their work. Both of them wore identical expressions of nostalgia - eyes closed, lips tugged upwards in a soft smile. Belphie’s soft, clear tenor mixed with Beel’s low timbre, and, despite not understanding a single word, the human felt goosebumps rise up their arms.

When they finished the song, the twins opened their eyes and looked at each other over their shoulder. Beel honestly looked like he was going to cry out of sheer joy. 

“It’s been a while since we sang together.” Beel grinned.

“At least a century.” Belphie nodded, shaking his head. “I’m surprised my voice hasn’t broken.”

“I feel like I’m intruding on a family moment, here.” the human muttered. They honestly hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but by the time they realized, it was too late. The twins had turned their gazes on them like they had just stood on the table and started screaming.

“What’re you talking about?” Belphie drawled.

“You are family.” Beel smiled, crossing the kitchen in three strides to ruffle their hair. “So you can’t be intruding.”

They stuck their tongue out at Beel, ducking out from underneath his hand. “Can you two teach me that song?”

[pinkjeanist]

“just take care of yourself.” || fatgum

     ⇥     After his doctor tells Taishiro to slow his eating for his health, you start to sit with him while he eats. Talking becomes a good way to distract him, but it soon becomes his path to healing- and surprisingly, it does for you, too. [1.5k words]

a/n: this one has a lot of feelings. i just really love him. i also think it’s wild how this is the second fic i’ve written today. wack. this is another fic to add to the lofi collection, which i havent done much for recently, so it’s nice to get back to that!! [navigation] [just take care of yourself]

A lot of people didn’t realize just how much Taishiro had to eat to get all of his fat back after using it in a fight. Of course, he gained weight much faster than most, but one must also take into account that he’s eight-foot-two, and has to gain at least twice his minimum body weight if he wants to ensure that he has enough fat for his jobs to go well each and every time. But despite eating being one of the main components to his quirk, there always came a point where he just couldn’t eat more than he already had. His stomach was hyper-functioning, but not limitless. 

You knew this, and you knew Taishiro did as well, but he’d always been a go-beyond-plus-ultra kind of guy, and put the public’s need for his quirk and heroship over his own well-being. This resulted in a lot of long nights with him bending over the toilet to throw up what he couldn’t keep down, and you giving him belly massages when it started acting up. But eventually, it got to the point where even his own doctor told him he needed to slow down, and take more time to eat instead of rushing back to duty. 

This was very hard for him. You knew you wouldn’t be able to ever completely understand why, but you were there for him nonetheless. Long nights turned into sleepless ones for him over his growing anxiety. The stomach pains came and went a little less than they had, but the dark clouds kept looming over him all the same.

At first, you weren’t sure if you should try to help him. Despite his outgoing and friendly nature, he was a rather independent person, and it just didn’t feel like your place to try to get him on the right track. So you started to spend more time with him while he ate, just to keep him company and make sure he was okay, instead of trying to do anything too direct.

Most of what Taishiro ate was fast food, since it was easy to gain fat with it and even faster to get his hands on. You couldn’t eat much of it, but he could eat it for hours if he went slow enough, so you ate a couple fries every now and again and spent the rest of your time at the table getting him to talk as to slow down his intake. It was sometimes hard to think of things to talk about, but you’d be lying if you said it wasn’t working like a charm. 

At first, it was mostly like the afterwork small-talk you usually made: “How was your day? Anything exciting? Whose asses did you kick? Is Amajiki doing okay? What do you mean Kirishima got his hand stuck in the printer?” And he was content talking about it. But after a few days, all of his answers were the same, seeing as not much had been changing. So you had to get creative.

“What’s your opinion on pineapple on pizza?” 

“Absolutely delectable. Food of the Gods. Next question.” You chuckled to yourself and bit into one of the many sandwiches stacked on the table. 

“What about pickles? I’ve never seen you eat those.” 

“If you saw me eating pickles, that would be an evil clone of me. Pickles are detestable to mankind.” You laughed this time, and he smiled warmly at you before taking another bite of his sandwich. You silently pushed his drink towards him to remind him to wash it down after. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk about a food you didn’t like except coconut.” You set your sandwich back down in the box and took a drink. 

“Well, most stuff goes down easy, but I can’t stand coconut for the life of me. Pickles are even worse.” 

“What else don’t you like, then?” 

You spent the rest of that night talking about food until it made you feel more full than you were. For the first time in a while, he didn’t ask you to massage his belly and back, and you didn’t wake up in the middle of the night to find him in the bathroom. But what made you happy the most, was that he seemed happier, too. 

But after a while, you were finding deeper conversations making their way to the table (no pun intended) more often. One minute you’d be discussing things that should be recyclable, and the next you were talking about how useless you felt seeing all of those terrible landfills and the rising emissions and not being able to do much more about it than putting bottles and plastic in the right bin. And, on some of the nights that veered in that direction, you both started talking about things you didn’t have the time or guts to have said before. 

“I think my quirk is gonna kill me one day, darlin’.” You paused in your eating, but his eyes remained downcast at his food. “This kind of eatin’ isn’t good for a regular person, and even with, uhm- how I am,” Taishiro loosely gestured to his body. “I don’t think it can take this much. Not in the long run, anyway.” 

You’d considered it a few times before, but nothing had ever happened to cause real concern. The doctors never said anything. You were starting to realize that maybe they didn’t have to. Maybe it was something you should have seen before, something you should have realized a long time ago. Hearing him say it made your heart sink. 

“I don’t like hearing you talk like that, honey. I don’t-” You gave a frustrated sigh, setting your food down and resting your arms on the table. “-I don’t like to think about...about not having you here.” 

“I’m a hero, darlin’. I’m surprised you don’t think about it every day.” He was slow when he took a bite of his sandwich. He seemed distant, now. 

“Do you?” He turned to you, stilling again. You swallowed. “Do you think about dying? Every day?” 

He set his food down again. You could tell he probably wasn’t going to pick it back up for the night. “I think about what would happen if I left you all alone. What would happen to you if I were gone. Not so much thinkin’ about dyin’ as I do about you.” 

You could feel your eyes grow wet. You could see emotion welling in his own, too. You didn’t think you’d cry that night when you sat down for dinner, but anything could always happen, you guessed. 

The two of you started talking more about the future after that night. Death seemed a little too real, a little too close for comfort, so you talked like you could outlive it. You hadn’t considered marriage much before he brought up how much trouble he’d have to go through to find a dealer who could make a ring in his size. You hadn’t considered having children until he started talking about how cute all the babies and kids were on his patrol, and how good you’d look with one in your arms. 

So you told him all the places you wanted to go one day, and where you might want to have a wedding. You discussed all the baby names you’d thought of, and which ones would fit a baby of what you thought your offspring would look like. You would want a girl named Honoka, Taishiro would want a girl named Sumiko. You both thought Mamoru was a good boy name, though. 

You could see the progression of Taishiro’s health every time he gained weight, and you could also see the light grow brighter in his smiles. You could swim in his happiness when he laughed. You could feel his love for you in your bones every time he kissed you, or touched you, or when he whispered little nothings to you in the dark. He was becoming whole again, if you had ever known a time when he was completely there in the first place, and you could feel yourself growing with him. 

His soft touches on the small of your back and on your cheeks made you feel more grounded. When you asked about his day, he responded in earnest, and you clung to every word. He pulled you back to Earth when you hadn’t even realized you were drifting away. 

You hadn’t realized how unreal everything felt until you thought of what lay ahead, both for you and Taishiro. It was like you were close to graduating again, having to consider what you wanted with your life and where you’d go from there. You’d always thought getting married. You’d always thought about having kids. But you had never considered it- not genuinely, not when it was an option available to you. You could feel a change bubbling beneath your surface. 

But you could see him changing, too. Even when you weren’t there to eat with him, you could tell he took his time with it. You could see him start to care about his own thoughts and needs as much as he cared about your’s. He started to feel whole to you, no matter whether he had fat on his bones or not, and you could tell he was starting to feel it, too. 

-

taglist: @knifeewifee @keigos-dove @hanniejji @bvnnyclouds @wesparklebitch @katsukis-sad-angel

- dm/inbox to be added or removed from a taglist.

[bettsfic]

march pinned: ending the sex project

in the march edition of my lowkey writing-related newsletter, in addition to my writing-related post roundup and upcoming consultation availability, i have personal essay recommendations and a segment on the definition of a project!

for more information on my creative coaching services, check out my carrd.

if you want to receive my lowkey writing-related newsletter directly, you can subscribe here.

full newsletter below the cut, or you can read it here.

fuck february, amiright?

i thought january was bad. but february. february was the stuff of nightmares. my cousin passed away from covid (you can read about her here; she was really an amazing person and i feel so lucky to have known her). i was finally formally diagnosed with PCOS (bittersweet, i guess). my car broke down. i took two (2) days off and it took me two and a half weeks to get caught up again. i can only hope march treats us all a little more gently.

the good news is, i finished revisions on my short story collection to send to my agent, finished workshop submissions for the semester, and now i can return to my first love, fanfiction. that i am constantly working through original fiction to return to fanfiction has been making me think a lot about the nature of a creative, capital-p Project. so, this month’s BTALA (been thinkin a lot about) is going to inspect the concept of a “project.”

new resource

last month i unveiled a folder of my favorite short stories which i’m pleased to hear several of you have perused and gotten some inspiration from. this month i’ve compiled my favorite personal essays. there are fewer essays than there are short stories because i’ve broken them into two groups: personal and craft. next month i hope to have the craft essays compiled.

i’m always looking for more things to love, so if you have recommendations for your favorite short stories and essays, i’d be happy to hear them!

writing-related posts

how to physically maneuver the revision process

the difference between M and E ratings of fic

resources for worldbuilding (check out the reblogs for more!)

a couple syntax/prose book recs

how to break a long work into chapters

march availability

unfortunately i have to cut my coaching hours down a bit, so i don’t have any openings left in march, but i have some availability in april. if you’re interested in a writing consultation, please fill out this google form!

you can learn more about my services on my carrd.

what i’m into rn

for the past year, i’ve basically been trapped in a 10x10 room, and my health is definitely reflecting that, both mentally (does anyone else feel like they’re living in groundhog day? just, every day being exactly the same except fractionally worse than the day before??) and physically (i reorganized the kitchen and could barely move for two days).

reader, i have discovered something called “walking,” in which i put on real human shoes and go outside. it feels strange, bestial. neighbors wave hello to me. a harrowing experience.

while doing this, this walking, i’ve been listening to the lolita podcast which a friend recommended to me, a ten-episode series that dives into everything lolita: the novel itself, its context, adaptations, greater cultural responses, and — as a sticker on my laptop says — vladimir “russian dreamboat” nabokov. as far as i can tell it seems well-researched and presents the many perspectives of lolita in a fair way. i’m only a few eps in, but i’m entranced so far. highly recommended if you, like me, have a complicated relationship with lolita.

i’ve also found myself mildly addicted to a mobile otome game called obey me, which. look i know it’s like the definition of cringe but it’s also mind-numbingly fun and if i want to spend my minimal free time pretending 7 demon brothers are all vying for my affection then that’s between me and god. it’s a lot of what i loved about WoW: frequent events, bright colors, a daily to do list of simple but satisfying tasks, many many rewards, and it doesn’t take itself very seriously. and if i have 4k fic written of mammon/reader that’s nobody’s business but mine and my longsuffering ao3 subscribers.

i’m telling you this because i don’t know anyone else who plays it and am desperate to trade headcanons. so if you play, or start playing, hit me up!! i will give u mad tips and daily AP.

been thinkin a lot about

the project. the project. even the word “project.” PROject (noun). proJECT (verb). what is the project? “project” comes from the latin pro and jacare which means “to throw forward,” or projectum which means “something prominent.” a projector throws forward an image. to project onto something means to throw your perspective onto something else. to embark on a project is to make something prominent in your life. the concept of “the projects” comes from public housing projects, the government throwing forward affordable housing.

what is the project? in joseph harris’ essay “coming to terms” he says that “to define the project of a writer is…to push beyond his text, to hazard a view about not only what someone has said but also what he was trying to accomplish by saying it.” harris’ perspective is that of an english teacher encouraging his students to read critically, not just to summarize a text but to find its project, its greater purpose. and while i first read this essay in a seminar on composition pedagogy, it stuck with me as a writer. it made me reconsider the greater nature of the creative project.

how many of us, if asked to describe our writing project, would begin with a plot or character premise, the nuts and bolts of a specific story? maybe even the working title? but i wonder, is breaking out the plot really the project? is the discipline of sitting down and typing really the project? and when the story is finished, is the project over? what is the project?

in 2019, i wrote 86k words of a novel. i began revising that novel last fall, and i’m finding that i’ll probably keep maybe less than 10k of that initial draft. i’m not bothered by that. the novel i wrote before that started at 125k, then i rewrote the entire thing to 200k, then i whittled it back down to 160k, and next i’ll be tasked with paring it back down to 80k. i’m not bothered by that either. in the past five years or so i’ve written about 2 million words, and i’ve only published 20k of them. only 1% of what i’ve written, i’ve published. in the words of lauren cooper (catherine tate), i’m not bothered.

i used to see publication as the birth of the project, and writing it akin to a long gestation period. then i saw publication as the death of the project, and its life was lived in its drafting. now, publication seems irrelevant to the project. the confines of a story and its many revisions are also irrelevant to the project. the beginning of a story is not the start of the project and the end of the story is not the end of the project. the project is larger than the story, its revisions, its publication, and its eventual readership.

i think it took me so long to see this because for so many years i was still in my first project, the sex project, an exploration of trauma and sexual identity, which began in 2014 with destiel fanfiction, endured through many fandom shifts, my MFA, years adrift as an adjunct, all the way through 2020 with the completion of my short story collection. i used to wonder how anyone could write about anything other than sex. to me it was the only topic worth my attention. i was certain that i would spend my entire life being a sex writer and i’d never find fulfillment writing a young adult sci fi adventure or a highly literary novel about complicated family dynamics. i was baffled by people who were interested in other things, who could write entire novels without using the word “cock” even once.

then my sex project ended. i don’t know when exactly it happened or why, but suddenly i realized i never wanted to write another artful description of an orgasm or find a tactful euphemism for a vagina ever again (personally i prefer “wet cunt” because not only is it blunt, i find it phonetically pleasing). obviously i’m still writing explicit fanfic but it doesn’t feel the same as it used to. sex feels more sidelined to me, even if it’s still the center and drive of a fic. i no longer get any personal satisfaction from writing it, although i do get satisfaction in sharing the work for readers to enjoy.

it’s like i’ve somehow solved the biggest puzzle of my life. or i guess made peace with my meanest monster, that extremely complicated double-mind of desire that some non-sex-repulsed asexuals feel: you want to feel desire you can’t actually feel so you write it into fiction, to try to understand this thing you can’t have and which society tells you you’re missing, and you don’t even know if you don’t have it, because you still feel desire for affection and intimacy, and maybe even a desire to be desired. and for those of us who are asexual and have c-ptsd, sex you don’t actually want (but don’t know you don’t want, because maybe you’re ambivalent and mildly curious and touch-starved) and an unrelenting drive toward people-pleasing can be a dangerous combination. how can you ever know what consent is if you always put other people’s desires above your own?

maybe i’m alone in this. maybe i’m not. maybe for most people, wanting sex is a light switch: yes i want it, or no i don’t. but for me, i had to write a whole lot of words to figure out things like desire, consent, intimacy, forgiveness, the shape that good love takes. the lengthy theoretical flowchart of “i might be interested in having sex if this and this and this and this and this happens in this exact order and under these exact circumstances.”

it was hard to write something into reality that i have never seen except in pieces, in subtext i clung to with no lexicon to give it shape and meaning. te lawrence in lawrence of arabia. some of tarantino’s early work. the film benny and joon. and weirdly, the star wars prequels (that one’s hard to explain; i’ll spare you). i don’t think the sex project was about coming to terms with my asexuality as much as it was trying to organize my thoughts and feelings by continuously rendering my own experiences within a greater, shinier ideal — like how you sometimes have to unravel the entire skein of yarn to find the loose end, and only then can you get started.

i guess i’m in the infancy of the power project now. i’m moving toward themes of control, infamy, greatness. the exact circumstances in which atrocity occurs. how people rise into leadership and fall from grace. the consequences of success. i don’t know why this project has come to me, or what, if anything, it has to do with me. i’m not famous and have no intention of becoming famous; i don’t have social power or influence, at least not beyond my little corner of fandom, and i’m not interested in having it. and yet, here we are, already hundreds of thousands of words in.

my fics digging for orchids (tgcf) and a standing engagement (the hunger games) deal with the detriments of fame. and even float (breaking bad) to a degree is about the aftermath of being so close to power. my novel cherry pop, loosely based on macbeth, is about an ongoing power exchange between two teenage girls. my other novel, vandal, is about a girl who believes she has magic powers and casts a spell on her neighbor to fall in love with her. and i’m in the very early stages of a novel called groundswell, a cult story i’ve been wanting to write for years. i had no idea why i couldn’t write it until i realized it wasn’t yet my project. i’m not even to the stage of developing characters, let alone a premise or plot. i’m still just building my aesthetic pile (i discuss the aesthetic pile here, as well as vandal in more detail), watching documentaries on cults, reading books, finding inspiration, marking down ideas as they come. it may be years before i’m ready to sit down and write it.

now that i know what the project is, i have more patience with myself. it doesn’t bother me to rewrite a novel from the beginning, or to scrap novels altogether, because the story isn’t the project. the project cannot be diminished by cutting words, sentences, paragraphs, entire chapters. the project does not have a product. the project cannot be published. the project is in the practice, in dragging the impossibly large into clear, acute existence, so you can see it. so you can see the very center of what you thought was an unknowable thing.

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 11

post directory

obsetress: i'm about to fully fall asleep but i have been thinking about exes au danvi and like the isabel of it all and dani dating a single mom and how just like

obsetress: vi is so protective of isabel and as much as she loves dani like

obsetress: she took SO LONG before introducing her and then like

obsetress: when they broke up dani left and dani wasnt in isabels life anymore and dani was so good for isabel and viola just feels so fuckin shitty and blames herself and

obsetress: but i'm also thinkin bout soft fluffy stuff too like how much dani loves isabel and how much vi loves watching isabel w dani and

em: hey hannah what the fuck

obsetress: isabel has a nightmare one night and goes to her mom's room and dani's there too and she just curls up between them

em: do you think when they finally reconnected dani was like hey um. does isabel remember me. would it be weird if

obsetress: FUCK

obsetress: this absolutely happens

em: viola is VERY apprehensive at first

obsetress: god yeah esp after getting so hurt by it but

obsetress: viola sure cannot say no to dani!

em: i love some dani with kids tho

em: maybe too soft but do u think for at least a couple years dani would like. send isabel a bday card

em: like dead air otherwise

em: hmm idk i am chewing that one over more

obsetress: god it's hard i think dani wants to but she doesn't

obsetress: i could see dani writing them and holding onto them

em: oh that’s even worse

obsetress: even tho she really doesnt think she'll ever talk to vi again

em: what a soft and depressing thought. thank u. i resent u.

obsetress: yeah it hurts!

obsetress: but then she does! and she gives them all to isabel when she's older maybe

em: hold on i’m gonna bawl

em: sometimes my parents will be like um. do u remember this person and i’m like uh i don’t remember people i worked w two years ago let alone

em: but i think isabel does

em: i will be thinking about this all afternoon bestie have a wonderful slumber

[em note: em yells in hannahs DMs while she's asleep dot png]

em: no um. mate im still furious about the isabel of it all wtf

em: thinking about um. like ok i dont wanna use isabel as a prop but this is certainly one of those times where

em: violas been hurt before and viola's hurt other people before because she's deeply troubled and i feel like that would be one of the first times she sorta. sure she licks her wounds and feels miserable for herself but its also like uh

em: really sobering to realise This Hurts Isabel Too

em: because yknow violas very gatekeep gaslight girlboss i think shes got a strong enough sense of self that nothing really shakes that. maybe even to a deluded degree. i dont think she goes to therapy because shes like wow im fucked up i gotta get help, she's more like

em: shes really driven by her love for isabel!! gestures WILDLY

em: realised this is an au where parents get therapy and dont pass their traumas onto their kids and i want OFF this WILD RIDE im so tired of discovering things about myself through the realm of fiction

obsetress: yeah same i kept thinking about it too alfkadlsfkjdasf

obsetress: i want to reply to every single line of the isabel thing but i'm not gonna do that so let me just say: YEAH

obsetress: like isabel is her cornerstone full stop everything comes down to isabel

em: dani's probably so nervous reconnecting w isabel again. absolutely spinning her lil wheels

em: they set up a lil date and time and dani's doing her gay nervous babble abt if isabel even remembers her or god forbid resents her n jamies like...

em: im pursing my lips as i draw a line on the whiteboard between jamie's whole childhood and isabels and shaking my head Goddamn It

em: jamie lets dani babble it out n pauses and reflects on what she's saying n then jamie's like. the fact ur nervous means u care. n kids are v good at picking up when ppl care. you'll be alright.

obsetress: god yeah this bit i can just. hear it

obsetress: it's so visceral

---

em: viola

obsetress: god my favorite taurus hedonist

[em note: hannah yells in em's DMs while em is asleep dot png]

obsetress: god fuck what was i thinking about isabel this morning like

obsetress: that's what i get for daydreamin between snoozes and not writing it down alas

obsetress: but just like how excited isabel is to see dani again when she does and also like, isabel and rebecca

obsetress: then i started thinking about

obsetress: rebecca and vi getting married and vi's always like i'm not gonna get married again it's bullshit and rebecca's like it's not for me but then they just

obsetress: like they live together and they share everything and rebecca looks out for isabel just as much and they get to a point and it's like

obsetress: oh. oh

obsetress: like they're both like it's the logical thing to do. it's logical and it's safe and we should have this extra layer of protection but also it's like

obsetress: they find themselves more and more excited a lil you know? and just thinking about how isabel's there and how excited isabel is and

obsetress: but god yeah what i was thinking about this morning like. one day vi has to tell isabel dani's not gonna be coming around anymore and like

obsetress: isabel doesn't really understand and she's so sad and then vi feels even shittier

obsetress: and she's like "we'll be okay. it's you and me, remember? moving mountains"

obsetress: "you me us, right?"

obsetress: the first time rebecca meets her she brings her a book as a gift and is like "this was one of my favorites" and

obsetress: OH I REMEMBERED

obsetress: so like when dani sees isabel again finally (and yknow as nervous as dani was vi was even more on edge because it's so inconsistent and is she gonna understand yknow? and the two of them just spiral––which is also another thing about the two of them in a relationship! i think they push each other down spirals)

obsetress: jamie's there too and dani's like "this is... this is, uh, jamie" and it's like you said jamie isabel parallels and so jamie's like a lil tender

obsetress: spoiler: isabel and jamie end up bonding the most

obsetress: jamie's like running around with isabel on her shoulders and then showing her all these plants and taking her to gardens and

obsetress: another tentative jamie vi alliance

em: isabel mikey hangout When

obsetress: isabel mikey hangout!

obsetress: they're hanging with isabel and she and jamie have a very spirited discussion where isabel's like "i wanna be a princess" and dani's like "why not a knight?" and jamie's like "why not opt out of the feudalistic hierarchy entirely and ditch the kingdom for the high seas?" and convinces isabel to go full pirate

obsetress: and then isabel kinda passes out with her head in jamie's lap and jamie's just kinda idly playing with her hair (vi is already like "am i... attracted to jamie in this moment?")

obsetress: and jamie's like "y'know, i should bring mikey round next time isabel's here" and viola's like "......who?" and jamie's like "my little brother? mikey?" and viola's like "right.... right"

obsetress: cut to later, when dani and jamie have retired to vi and becca's guest room: "since when does jamie have a little brother?" "she always has, babe"

em: kinda obsessed w like. violas love for isabel means her wires get crossed when the surly gardener is Good With Kids

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: mikey and isabel immediately hit it off i think

obsetress: a bit of an odd couple because i think isabel is definitely, like, her mother's daughter and mikey is............. mikey

obsetress: but i think they meet in the middle and help each other grow and play pirates together

em: viola is like. of course mikey and isabel will get along. isabel is wonderful. but jamie is quietly Sweating about the whole thing

em: so damvibecca are having their afternoon tea and their little cakes and jamie is Quietly sweating and she’s like ‘quiet is good, right? like they’re not tryna k-‘ and then there’s the sound of two 8 year olds (idk how old they are tbh) YELLING as they chase each other down the hall w wrapping paper tubes

obsetress: nervous babbling dani x quietly sweating jamie, an otp

em: isabel has gotten into the make up n given them both black eyes n scars and moustaches n everyone’s like oh no how’s viola gonna feel about this but viola is DELIGHTED

obsetress: dani's like "chill you all she's gonna––" and then viola is getting up and asking them to do her face too

em: made a parrot outta a sock and newspaper

obsetress: viola playing pirates w isabel and mikey

em: kids w their endless creativity n absolute disregard for personal property is truly a thing of dreams

obsetress: mikey gives her a paper tube and she disarms isabel, takes hers, and offers it very seriously to jamie

em: cuteeee

obsetress: rebecca's giving dani a look and dani is completely unfazed and reaching for another tea cake

em: absolutely unflappable dani clayton

em: dani and rebecca sharing a Look like hey have you ever seen her this gleeful

obsetress: there is something very tasty about jamie taylor having a direct hand in making viola so gleeful

em: takes a village!

obsetress: when viola's two big loves are sitting five feet away from them both

em: everyone changes everyone for the better

em: fucken soft ass chat over here

obsetress: everyone changes everyone for the better

obsetress: soft as hell

em: thesis statement everyone likes each other so much (jamie pretends she doesn’t)

obsetress: (jamie pretends she doesn't) (jamie might like everyone the most)

obsetress: viola registers mikey for isabel's school n pays full tuition

em: oh my god

obsetress: jamie is horrified and refuses to accept it and viola waves a hand and is like "too late, deposit's non-refundable"

em: (they carpool)

obsetress: PLEASE

obsetress: oh god and like

obsetress: flora and miles go there too

obsetress: full circle complete

em: broke: highschool au woke: guardians of primary schoolers au

obsetress: dani jamie in bed jamie's like "you don't...... think it's weird?" "hmm?" "mikey going to.... school with our boss' kids?" "why would that be weird" "i dunno" "he also goes to school with my ex's kid" "he's best friends with your ex's kid" "and that's not weird, is it?" (grumbles) "not anymore" "so why would this be?"

em: jamie’s ribbing mikey for his silly tie and straw hat but she teaches him how to tie a tie and also she keeps crying for some reason???

obsetress: oh fuck

em: mikey: can’t i just get a fake tie >:/

jamie: no because when u have a real tie you can leave it untied a little as an act of rebellion

obsetress: god it's jamie crying for me

em: i love that big baby

obsetress: so much!

em: jamies like idk what’s gotten into me i never cry n danis like. raises one eye brow and mentally checks off all the times jamie has absolutely bawled watching a movie

em: not even a sad movie

em: dani plays along

em: maybe ur getting soft in ur old age jamie

obsetress: jamie i cry three four times a day five if i'm being honest taylor

em: thinking about their weekly weekend lunch w damvibecca and hannah and owen and miles and flora and

obsetress: dfjsldkfjslfslfj

obsetress: god big found family

obsetress: you know viola doesn't like

obsetress: dani and jamie respectfully toe around whatever the fuck owen and hannah have going on but viola just does not suffer it. she's so blunt to them

em: big viola grin and all ‘owen, hannah, i assume you will be each other’s dates?’ (owen chokes on his tiny egg sandwich)

em: hannah grose is serene and unreadable as she dabs a bit off yolk off owens moustache

em: maybe even a bit pleased

obsetress: everyone is always so tense when viola and hannah get together because neither of them take shit yknow

obsetress: and everyone's like "which way is this gonna go"

em: god. peak snarky broads

obsetress: but usually they end up good. two apex predators where one is a lil vicious but the other is so confident in its status that it just chills

em: they have the Best gossip

obsetress: would love to sit in and listen as they drink tea and gossip tbh

em: viola presses owen on hannah and he goes red and viola presses hannah on owen and she does a little wouldnt-you-like-to-know into her tea

em: viola nee willoughby and hannah grose friendship is. truly something i never knew i needed until now

em: they’re both just that lil bit older than the rest of the gang too

obsetress: an important coalition

obsetress: hannah grose! hannah looking out for rebecca and that's the couple times she gets a lil testy w vi

obsetress: mikey and isabel besties but flora and mikey get along really well and isabel and miles do too i think

em: the sheer chaos of a taylor-lloyd-windgrave story time

obsetress: LDKFjKLSDJF HELP

obsetress: taylor lloyd wingrave story time

obsetress: jamie suddenly very invested in story time

obsetress: dani's like "i know this is the first time you've actually cared about story time, babe, so let me give you some pointers"

em: i was just in my head thinking fondly about like. jamie is a drop out and plays a lil dumb sometimes for fun but also prolly reads a lot especially to mikey and now i’m like. wait i’m talking to Ms Floras Two Moms herself

em: idk if i had that headcanon before i read she taught me a lesson alright but yknow what! doesn’t matter it’s a beautiful one

obsetress: thank youuuu i love it a lot

obsetress: jamie big reader is generally one of my fave headcanons tbh i'm glad it seems to be widely accepted. can't even explain why it's just nice

em: sometimes i will talk 2 ppl about my passionate drop out jamie taylor belief n then they’re like but she’s smart (it’s only happened a couple times hahsj) and i’m like these aren’t mutually exclusive!! this is my very biased experience but my friends who do manual labor for a living seem to read so much more than my friends who don’t

em: your brain wants to chew over things while the hands are workin i reckon

obsetress: yes yes yes yes yes

obsetress: i think that's also like (sighs heavily)

obsetress: symptomatic of hegemonic perceptions of the working class

em: i love when u sigh heavily it’s always a fun take

obsetress: i think jamie is v clever and reflective and like if there's one thing i've learned getting older it's

obsetress: smart doesn't matter i think the most insightful most thoughtful people are the most reflective ones

obsetress: like none of it fuckin matters just be a nice person