#tw self hate

[eyeofthechasm]

again and again. (Act 2->3 transition)

Ok this one has. Lots of warnings.

Cw for: blood, emotional numbness (still don’t rlly know. kinda????), suicide (not written but HEAVILY implied), self deprecation/self hate

> LOOP 33

Your body jolts.

You’re. back.

You’re leaned over the sink, hands on either side of the cool porcelain, staring down into the drain.

Again.

Again again again again again!

You did everything right, didn’t you? You got through the House without any road-bumps, helped Mira remember her carrot method, beat the King, talked to the Head Housemaiden, EVERYTHING.

SO WHY. ARE. YOU. BACK.

You stare at your reflection. You look so tired. You are tired. You’ve memorized every detail of your face. Every wrinkle under your eyes, every stray hair, the way your choker sits juust off center.

Your expression is blank.

…

…

You wish you could be like this more.

Oh, how simple that would be, not having to force your expressions all the time. But no! You can’t! You can’t, because then your friends will get worried! About you! And then you’ll have to start all over again because stars blinding forbid you show anything other than normalcy. Than your laid back, carefree attitude they rely on to keep themselves together.

…

You’re being far too rude.

They care too much.

Too much for someone as rude and pathetic and incapable as-

The sink. cracks. under your hands. You watch as your blood runs down the cracked porcelain, catching in the newly formed grooves and gaps, staining the darkless surface an ugly shade of lightless.

Oh. You. must’ve been gripping that much harder than you . thought you were.

Oh well. At least it’s at the very start. Not a big deal.

You yank a dagger from your hip hand-

> LOOP 34

[notdelusionalatall]

TW: Body image issues.

wishing i looked like the girls i see on instagram all the time

[anominous-ominous]

I'm horrible he hates me I'm horrible he hates me

[rubeslovesthesmiths]

I'm the most horrible person.

[lostgirldeadforever]

old pics

[anulithots]

What's this? An Anuli snippet that's not cannon (yet)?

(Written in the future, also it doesn't have Anuli's usual pretty prose because it was supposed to be a quick idea.)

Featuring an Anuli and Sitara interaction! Woah! Is that even possible!?

TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THOUGHTS OF SELF HARM. I'M VERY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS ONE. THERE'S LOTS OF IT, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVIZED

"How's your unrequited love going?"

"What?! Why would you... Anuli, you can't just ask that."

I flicked the half-finished doll with the others. "My apologies. I cannot discern subtext. Subtext is critical for understanding. Understanding your story... tis quite the predicament."

"How does that explain anything?" Sitara flopped into place beside me. "I'm not a story."

"Mhmm." I curled my antennae in a spiral. In and out. Forever the same. Never learned. "But you do have tropes, do you not? Patterns. Arcs. Stories are only... explorations of such things."

Sitara giggled. "Please explain that in a language I understand."

Don't say anything. Anuli, you've already ruined thi-

I yanked my antennae. "Stories copy 'real life'. 'Real life' in turn copies stories. Each predicts the other... understandable?"

"Enough."

Something rotted. Important no doubt. The smell of decay nested in my neck, in the hopes of gnawing the stray flesh that tore at itself. Raw from too long bleeding. Bleeding for so long it didn't bother to heal itself, rather, the numb escape tempted my body away. Away it went.

The villain. Left alone. Devoid of all sensation. That ending fitted Anuli the antagonis-

"Fine."

I startled.

Sitara sighed. "My 'unrequited love' is going fine. Why'd you ask?"

Some reason, villianous and dumb and Sitara should've left already.

Oh Anuli, don't you let yourself leech on faer words for longer than nessecary - not that any of this is. The fact that you asked at all....

Add another trait to remove: asking dumb questions! Dumb, antagonistic questions that only got others upset, waster their valuable time on something so rotten. Sitara regretted this already, no doubt. ANd as the side character with a friendship side plot-

Did I- I've been quiet for too long.

Ah Anuli, at first we'd only bash one hand, now it shall be both. Both hands, close to broken and bruised - made sure you find a sharp enough rock - with blood that splatters all over your disgusting face -

"Your story is of the side-plot trope. Side-plot of friendship, to be exact.... although if I were to be minutely precise.. I shall identify the subtype: One character hopes and leaves the audience in near agony until either a confession or communication." I released my antennae with a 'boing!', "My preference is either a confession scene - as long as the plot did not drag of for too long - where it fully explores the character dynamic OR one in tragedy," my ears swirled in a green blur, "Like if one of the characters dies unfulfilled and the longing only grows worse and the story could explore the full depths of desires that continue to worsen and continue on and on, forevermo-"

"We're.... we are still talking about stories? Right?"

I blinked.

Shall we add on wringing our arms?

Shall we continue on our rampage? With no one to contain Anuli the antagonist?

Imagine! The antagonist stole away time and care from everyone else and got away with it. How unsatisfying. AND dangerous! For if the antagonist continued, well, the plot would've deteriorated from there.

With wrung arms and bashed in hands, Anuli remains thwarted for yet another day.

"It's okay," Sitara shifted, "If you want to talk about... gruesome things... but, um... that's not your prediction for me... right?"

It will be if I keep blabbering. I let myself go unchecked. Tch. I never learn.

"Yours needs a confession scene. For it dangerously teeters over the precipise of dragging on and on and on...."

"Alright, alright. I get it." Sitara laughed. "I'll ask faer to be friends... soon..."

"Today."

"What?!"

I shall claw my neck, so the blood pools around my feet.

"Characters convince themselves out of things if the plot has too many distractions... perhaps another scene or so. Each scene needs narrative significance after all."

"Okay! Anuli wins!" Sitara stood. "Today it is... but you're coming with me!"

I tilted my head.

No. No. No. Too much. And after all the warnings too. This ends the same. As they all would. Let the villain have their fun and this is the result? Shameful, truly.

We may need a larger fabric to soak up the blood once we're done.

Or we could tear apart the dolls....

How about that?

And any associated story dies too?

There. That works. Wonderous isn't it?

That's about as far as I got!

Fun fact: Anuli threatens faerself in order of least to most value. Faer body, then faer stories, then faer memories.

Other notes: I'm not sure if Sitara seems mean in this snippet? THat wasn't really the goal, fae's just very 'speak faer mind and loud'. Plus fae 'died' when fae was little, so both Sitara and Anuli act childish in different ways. Anuli and Sitara have contrasting personalities, but I'm not sure if they compliment each other.... I'll see when I get to this point.

@waitingforthesunrise @sm-writes-chaos @holdmyteaplease @full-on-sam @osbob-the-existent @awleeofficial @clearcloudlesssky @gummybugg @sleepy-vix @starryeyeddarlings @sea-dwelling-wizard @snowpoet123

lmk if you'd like to be added or removed <3 🌿

[justabaddreamm]

Guys look! They’re so cute!! Which one should I use first?! 🩷

[hotelcaliforniaenbydancer]

....

I know that it sounds terrible, but.... I think I hate myself. Or that I am at least starting to. People all around me are queerphobic.

They would hate the real me. It makes me physically sick to pretend everyday. To pretend to be a cishet female when I am not. I am a queer nonbinary person.... and they would hate me if they knew that.

They only tolerate me because I pretend. They see and tolerate the person that they think I am. Not who I really am. I cannot be myself in front of them.

I just want to scream. I hate being queer. Because I cannot be myself in front of anyone. And I hate myself because I feel like it is my fault.

Sometimes I want to do conversion therapy on myself. To hurt myself into being "normal". So that people irl will finally love me. In their own exclusive, closed-minded way, never letting anyone else in.

I am so sick of them. I am sick of myself. I want to cry. I want to stop being queer and just be normal so that people in this stupid Republican state will love me, even if the pretending hurts.

[bitchy-bi-trash]

I feel so ugly, so repulsive that when I let someone even touch me, i feel disgusted for them, it's like I made them commit a sin.

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Looooong ass vent

TW for: Self hate. Lots of swearing. Use of not nice words. Eating disorders, purging, self harm, suicide, rants, venting, tons of triggers, dissociation, lying, all caps, me whining, me being a bitch, mistreatment, body shaming, hateful stuff, mental illness, all that- like seriously this has more TWs than I can think of. .

I'm a jealous person. I'm sorry, it's true. I'm jealous when other people have art that gets 40, 50, more notes. I get jealous when my friends have better friends than I ever could be. I get jealous of song writers because damnit please I want to make music. I get jealous of others art,voices, bodies. I get so jealous I get mad at nothing over nothing. I get jealous at others art styles, at other success, i get jealous at my own FRIENDS wow I'm awful

I'm selfish. I'm greedy because I can't just- be fucking happy with what i do have. I can't be patient to get better at drawing, better at recording my voice, more freedom. I am never satisfied, I'm a fucking whore for any sort of love and attention and likes and reblogs. You hear me? I'm, a, whore.

And I'm fucking awful because I can't take criticism for shit, I get so fucking unhappy at it and I lie and I say I'm happy to receive it. I lie all the time like this, I'm a dishonest whore, that's worse than a normal whore! I get so bent out of shape!

And I want to make it big in the Tumblr community BUT FUCK IT BECAUSE I NEVER FOCUS ON ONE THING

M so impatient

And when I talk to my friends I-

I forget all that. I calm down, I feel... wanted.

But I'm burdening them. I'm burdening them I'm burdening them I'm I'm fucking selfish and horrible because they give and give and give and I take like a needy selfish greedy whore.

AND I DON'T SHUT UP, I'm sorry I'm sorry I never shut up

...I'm... awful. And... I shouldn't keep posting shit like this, because nobody should have to read my rambling and shit and I'm overreacting and I want to die and

Im useless irl BTW. I've been nothing but a stupid moody bitch the past two weeks, I stay up all night doing nothing and wake up at 5 pm like a useless piece of human shit that should burn in the garbage

I keep forgetting who I am, who is talking too

Im sooooooooo uselessssssssssss

Its fucking because I think my family would be happier if I didn't exist. Because that'd be one less stupid moody bitch that can't do anything and hides in their room all day that they have to deal with

Im lazy I get apathetic I have no motivation to do anything and I don't cry at sad movies like a broken robot and everything about me is wrong

And my father wanted a daughter so fucking badly, but I'm not a girl I'm nothing and he'd be so mad if I ever told him

And BTW I'm literally awful like I've run out of things I'm a jealous whore

M a whore because all tye time I think of stupid sexual stuff and then I feel disgusted I'm disgusting I barely take showers

I'm pathetic btw I never finish anything I start I have so many half assed AUs and drafts and fanfics and art and chores and needs and shit

and I sit in my room all day and play on my phone like a fucking loser. Im also really stupid btw, I don't know half the shit I'm supposed too and I can't spell shit or know history AND I HAVE THE ABILITY TO LEARN BUT IM SUCH A STUPID FUCKING BITCH I NEVER DO ANYTHING

I'm also a hypocrite because I get so snappy and shit with my siblings when they do nothing wrong except be annoying or something but when I feel justified I shouldn't because I'm still a shitty person

I barely reach out to my friends unless they text first, I'm a horrible friend that never listens I'm sorry I'm sorry I never meant to abandon anyone

And I can't take blame or accountability I'm sorry I am shit why do I keep trying to hide behind myself??

Its past 6 am,people are statving and in here venting like a bitch

I never shut up

I Bother people

i sleep in and I'm moody and I demand attention like a whore whose demanding love idfk

I never know anything, I'm rude as hell

Im sorry

and I'm protective over shit nobody cares about, I'm so damn defensive

Im sorry I'm not doing better I'm sorry I'm not improving myself. I'm so mad at myself I have so much anger at myself I direct it at innocent people I'm sorry

I HAVE NO EXCUSES, IM SO FUCKING SELF AWARE OF THIS BUT I KEEP DOING IT KM SO DAMN FHCKONG DUM IM LUTERALLY COUNTING HOW MANY WORDS OF SELF HSTE

Its justified BTW, i deserve hate

I feel like I'm lying abt being a system and artistic and depressed and anxiety like what I'd I just suddenly decided I had them?? I swear I promise I'm not faking I'm not I don't want to lie I want to be good I never meant to hurt anyone BUT I FEEL LIKE IM A FAKING BITCH

I binge food and throw it up, I hide food like a greedy pig just to purge I take others food because I'm so gluttonous and I LIE about it

and I vent and vent and vent and... and I still hate myself

I'm so fucking manipulative because anytime I talk I CSNT STOP IMSGING HOW THE CONVERSATION WILL GO, I CANT STOP TRYONG TO FUCKING GET MY WAY IRL, AHHGHGBTIDDHDH I ALEATS ACT LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING WHEN I DONT and I purposefully annoy my siblings so they leave thr kitchen so I can binge like a fat pig, I'm a hypocrite too in every aspect. I'm toxic ok im awful

I s/h and then i forget about it so its not even a problem but I whine like it is and I want to do it so badly rn I wanna go deep

AND I RUINED MYSELF WITH UGLY SCATS they're so ugly like me inside and out

And I wanna cry and

and I'm so awful because like I get so... idk, I am. I've done shifty things, I'm a shit person. I act sweet than a condescending little bitch

and sometimes the smallest things set me off

Im jealous of everyone else

Hell I'm fucking jealous of people I've never met, I want so much so badly I'm so greedy and lustful for it and selfish

In... conclusion? The world, would, be, better, without, me

I'm useless, lazy, stupid, jealous, slutty, angry, sad, pitiful, pathetic, fat looking, no good child, moody, stereotypical, ugly, hateful, chatter box, greedy, selfish. Gluttonous, messy, dirty. I'm all the bad stuff

Dont lie, these are facts. I have so much awful in me, the world wpuld be better off without me

[acta2sanctorum]

Do you guys have blades recommendations? I'm using small ones rn and i feel like they're too small to do deep cuts. I'm thinking of using razor blades again, or trying box cutters....what should I do?

[toulouseradiosilence]

you know, sometimes I think nobody really likes me

I dont blame them I’m weird I’m loud and obnoxious. I get why

I don’t get why some people even try with me

im so…idk.

I come back from school and I just want to bang my head against the wall until it bleeds

Because I just say and do the stupidest and weirdest things

Like why???

I have friends and I shouldn’t ruin it with my stupidness

I get why they don’t want to be alone with me

I get why they ignore me

and I get why they think I’m weird

[dragonerd8224]

I’m a fucking idiot who can’t do what I’m told and can’t regulate my emotions and can’t stop myself from doing the wrong thing and can’t help making mistakes and can’t learn from everything stupid I’ve done and can’t even stop typing out this stupid fucking post

[randomnerd737]

me to other people: be yourself! You don’t owe anyone normalcy and you are allowed to have needs and take up space. You are not a burden

me when in public: if I mildly inconvenience anyone or make them have to think about me at all in any way it makes me worthless and a bad person.

[magicdonuts-supreme]

I present to you the best logical solution for when the treacherous thoughts whirls around you once more: You can list out all your F/O’s positive qualities, list yours, and compare the two to get an accurate reading for how worthy you are!

It makes sense! It’s easy!

… Right?

You lay out a paper in front of you, getting hold of your favorite utensil and beginning to scribble down your F/O’s name as a torrent of words and compliments follows. It starts out with the trickle of simple phrases like “determined, pretty, hard worker” before you’re smiling towards your paper, structured words tangling into your own croons and praises. Maybe you even laugh awkwardly as you reread what ends up looking like a gush written by a giggling schoolgirl. God, you’re so lucky to just breathe close to your F/O, not to mention have this bond with them…

Now, to write about yourself!

…Your words stutter to a stop.

Physical beauty? No— well, maybe… but no. Look at your F/O! They’re awe-inspiring and you’re simply not. All your mind could sputter out was “average at best.”

Selflessness? No, you can’t flatter yourself too much! Imagine how selfish it would be to just flaunt how chivalrous and selfless you are… No, you can’t be selfless.

Intelligence? Perhaps. But still, you blunder and fall. No. Smart people wouldn’t do that. How dare you try to call yourself smart?

Personality—? Don’t even try. You're too loud and too quiet and too annoying and too reclusive… You’re too little! Too much! Look at how perfect your F/O can be, and then look at yourself.

Sighing, you set your utensil down and lay your head down on the desk, facing away from the cursed paper.

What was even the point?

***

Golden sunlight bids you good morning. You nuzzle further into the downy softness beneath you, gasping when the emotions and memories flood back. When did you ever… lay down…?

You shake your head, sitting up in bed and finding a folded piece of paper. Through bleary eyes, perhaps only after fetching your glasses or a better light source, you find your name scribbled down just how it looked last night… yet now your F/O’s handwriting flows after it.

Words like “gorgeous” and “amazing” seem fanciful at first— Are you sure this isn’t a dream? However, your loved one’s words meander through the page and into sweet sentences highlighting every part of you your F/O has met and hopes to meet. Their letters dance on the page. It’s easy to tell how lovestruck they were — where they were chuckling at the memories you made together and where they had pounced back onto the paper, bursting with ideas everytime they thought their well of praises had dried.

Your F/O loves you. Maybe you don’t see it yet, maybe the insecurities are telling you otherwise. Regardless, they couldn’t fathom a single reason as to why they’d abandon you. Your F/O is happy to show you just how deep their love for you runs until the day comes you’re sure of your worth.

If you can’t see it for yourself, let them be your eyes.

[the-worm-machine]

Aaaa I feel like shit rn I haven’t done anything I was supposed to do today and also I just watched two hour-long transphobic YouTube videos about how transgenderism is a cult and yada yada and now I feel horrible and scared like I’m going to do something permanent to myself and regret it like these people are saying and I haven’t done anything useful today and I’m a failure and I feel miserable and also I’m a terrible shitty person because I didn’t do what I was supposed to do today and I just ruin everything and I know I should stop looking at shit that makes me miserable but I don’t want to stop I want to feel miserable it’s what I deserve