#which is a good example of how you can never ever truly know someone from their internet presence alone

[cbge]

Do you have a piece of media that you think about and go "yeah. that's the thing that shaped me into who I am today. THE thingie" You can sense it's influence in stuff that you make now. and it's just there. at the back of the mind. giggling

i would say psychonauts has definitely influenced me most out of everything i've ever enjoyed deeply in my life which is a funny answer because as my wife always points out i haven't even played the second game yet despite waiting for it to come out for over ten years.

i have always wanted (and still to this day am kind of hung up about) it to influence my art style because i'm a huge fan of the art direction in those games but i don't think it has (at least i don't see it), however it did... not shape, because those were things i was already drawn to, but rather helped me formulate a more coherent idea of what i'm interested in most when it comes to storytelling and visual art. i'm incredibly attracted to the concept of the subconscious mind and the ways it can be visualized in a physical way; to the concept of giving a face to a concept itself; i find psychonauts's approach to it extremely fun and clever and i hope to someday achieve the same level of creativity where i could come up with something like... literally anything that game did. mind cobwebs. deep secrets in literal saves that run away from you. figments. emotional baggage. it's all so witty, i could talk about how cool it is for hours despite not saying anything more substantial than just "it's so so fucking awesome".

it's a big reason why i was also a huge fan of the movie inception since it plays with similar concepts and why i'm interested in learning more about freud & jung's work on collective subconscious & the ego. i find it all really fascinating. visuals, man. thoughts and images. crazy stuff

[riverfelloff]

ive seen so many people wondering how starkid makes such good straight couples (lautski, paulkins, etc), but i think we really need to talk about this.

in a lot of todays modern media, shows centered around straight couples are heavily focused on the sexuality of it. while they may take a few episodes to flesh out a small pining story, starkid takes that to a whole new level.

let's look at lautski for example; our first introduction (I KNOW HE WAS IN TGWDLM AND BF I DONT CARE HE WASN'T TRULY INTRODUCED UNTIL NMT) to pete and steph was nmt2's episode, 'abstinence camp'. sure, we know that sexuality played a big part in this episode, but if you pay close attention, you know that nothing ever actually happens between steph and pete, they get caught by lumberaxe and then boy jerry before they can do anything.

before then, though, we get a back story of them meeting, it's shown how steph likes him for his little quirks and oddities, and how pete is happy that someone took the time to get to know that about him. before they join showers, they talk for what feels like forever, going back and forth.

however, in nerdy prudes must die AND the guy who didn't like musicals BOTH, neither of the couples even kiss, they get close but they don't. even npmd which centers around two high school seniors over the course of a few months, not even a peck on the cheek. HOWEVER, in scenes like the summoning, we can see steph and pete both trying to hide the other behind themselves.

in tgwdlm, paul sends himself into the theater to go take down the meteor so emma has some hopes of a life.

while it's implied that they love the other in a romantic sense, it's never outright said, because you don't make romantic bonds in the situations they were in!! they made the romantic connections before the actual plot of the musical gets started!! they're so close and care so much because of the shit they went through together!!

the reason why we're so captivated by straight couples from starkid is that they don't have to be couples to show how close they are and how much they care, because at the end of the day the lang brothers know that a bond is deepest when it's pure. if you care for someone enough, you'd do anything to keep them happy, even if it isn't with you.

[yuurei20]

Dream-world information/rules (by request): interestingly, the dreamworlds are possibly teaching the dreamers how it feels to be Malleus:

Ortho: “It's the dreamers themselves whose imaginations form those happy dreams. Of course, those dreams still have to be made within Malleus's constraints…namely, no negative emotions like sadness or anger allowed.”

And there is someone else who is not allowed to feel any emotions like sadness or anger, lest something terrible happen 🐉

Ortho: "I thought Malleus's dream worlds were designed to provide the target with whatever form of pleasure they wanted...But maybe it's more of a system to remove displeasure the target doesn't want. Sadness, anger, and the like.”

And this is not just speculation, with Sebek and Silver coming to the same conclusion:

Idia: “It's like playing a video game where you start at max level and every enemy steers clear of you. There's no losing and retrying. No trial and error to overcome obstacles. The challenge and payoff of getting good is what truly makes gaming rewarding.” Silver: “In Malleus's case...I think in terms of encountering rewarding challenges, his experience is extremely limited. Ever since he was born…or even before then..he's had enough power to easily trounce even veteran soldiers. Starting at max level and having every enemy steer clear isn't just an analogy for him. I think it's an accurate description of his life.”

Idia follows with:

"If Malleus actually matched Sebek's description and had some unflappable superhuman psyche…we wouldn't be in this mess at all. But nope, this natural-born overlord and walking cheat code experiences the same emotional highs and lows that the rest of us do. That's what I call a glaring design flaw.” “There are times when setbacks and defeats can be contributing factors in reaching a happy ending. Likewise, there are times when successes and victories can be causal factors in a bad ending. No matter how much of a walking cheat code Malleus is, maybe he just doesn't have that level of predictive ability or control. Which leaves his only option being a systematic elimination of all negative emotions.”

Malleus has never experienced setbacks or defeats, so he has no frame of reference for happiness that derives from them.

It is beyond Malleus’ ability to imagine, and we have seen the dreams limited by Malleus’ imagination before: Lilia’s, where Malleus was unable to interfere in a timeline before his own birth.

Silver: "What if Malleus has trouble controlling things he doesn't know about and can't imagine...?"

We are still learning the rules of the dreams as the characters themselves do not understand what is happening and are providing us with information through trial and error, and there is still more, very important information to come on EN (memo: this post will need to be updated📝).

But here are some of the rules!

1. Dreams break down when a happy ending becomes impossible, at which point everything is swallowed into an abyss (hence the name of Book 7 in the original game: Lord of the Abyss)

2. Idia says that once swallowed by the abyss the dreamer can potentially wake up on their own but there is no telling what may happen to foreign elements

(we have possibly seen successful examples of “foreign elements” being swallowed into the abyss and surviving, with both Silver and Lilia having their abysses invaded by others, but Idia has not)

3. The “happiness” in the dreams is superficial, as though following the vague order of “keep dreaming happy dreams,” possibly due to Malleus’ inability to imagine what happiness is.

4. Despite the “superficial” nature of the dreams, Ortho explains that “people’s mental circuity—their hearts and minds—can be surprisingly complex,” resulting in the dreams coming up with creative ways to please the dreamers

(Example: Kalim attending a school that isn’t NRC not because he is unhappy at NRC and Rook dreaming of NRC without Vil not because he wants Vil out, but because they were both avoiding tragedies that happened there.)

5. People who shares lots of memories with a dreamer have a better likelihood of helping them wake up 

6. When a dreamer is about to wake, NPCs will try to keep them inside.

7. It is possible that consuming food in a dream aids in mental recovery

8. It is possible to run out of breath through exertion and feel pain when hit in a dream

9. Malleus is possibly keeping the stronger mages under tighter surveillance than others, with Idia and Vil being constantly attended by their dreams “GM” (human-Ortho for Idia, Neige for Vil)

10. In instances where a real-world source of negativity is too much a part of who the dreamer is to separate them, their absence is likely to cause paradoxes and dream-breakdowns.

The dreams adapt to this by rewriting the source of stress into something less offensive: a bumbling assistant version of Neige who could never hope to rival Vil and a more polite and humble version of Kalim for Jamil.

To Be Continued ♪

[vivelegalite]

dear dead boy detective (especially paynland) enjoyers: have you yet heard of the biggest gift bestowed upon the fandom so far, aka jayden's charles playlist? the one he mentioned in interviews? well, he dropped it on twitter at 19th of may. and man, do i have stuff to say about it.

there's a lot of 80's bangers, for sure, great to get into the mood and character, but some of the choices...

i'm gonna focus on a few of my favourites, songs that made me go insane when i saw them. honorable mentions: - category 1 (so devoted the lines blur): ain't no mountain high enough by marvin gaye and tammi terrell, there is a light that never goes out by the smiths, inkpot gods by the amazing devil - category 2 (family life): family line and summer child by conan gray, seventeen going under by sam fender, matilda by harry styles, father by the front bottoms - category 3 (being queer in the 80s): smalltown boy by bronski beat, boys don't cry by the cure - category 4 (there's no heterosexual explanation for this one): good luck, babe! by chappel roan, yellow by coldplay, fight or flight by conan gray (is this about monty? the cat king? i need answers!), the prophecy by taylor swift, arms tonite by mother mother, sweet by cigarettes after sex, head over heels by tears for fears

this list is by no means complete or comprehensive!

and now, the songs that made me go the craziest: (they're predominantly in charles' pov as it's his playlist)

found heaven by conan gray

the only reason this song made it into the list and not the honorable mentions instead of smalltown boy is that it makes almost the same point, just so much more explicitly. i don't think i have to say much about it, it's a story of a young person griping with their queerness, being forced to leave home, a common theme of the playlist. "you're in love, you found heaven" when he chose edwin over his own afterlife, heavily implied to be heaven, and built his heaven with him on the mortal plane? ouch! (and we see this same notion repeated in another bop from the playlist, heaven is a place on earth by belinda carlisle).

2. like real people do by hozier

"i miss kissing" charles rowland, 202X romantic meaning aside, the verses show a sort of a common understanding the boys have around the manner of their deaths and their lives before it. we already know from the show they don't really talk about it, with edwin not knowing about the severity of the abuse charles suffered. it feels like one of them saying "let the past be past, we're together now, yeah?". but also, jayden: can there ever be a platonic explanation for this? ghosts can't touch, can't feel, so they wish they could just kiss like "real" (alive?) people do?

3. flaws by bastille

not the most romantic song, but i absolutely love how well it fits their dynamic. despite his edwardian brand of repression, edwin truly is the one that's more open about his feelings (recognising of course that in this case, the bar is so low it's in hell. haha, get it). edwin has worn his flaws upon his sleeve, and charles has held them buried - eg. bottling up all of his anger and resentment towards his family and his own death. the song presents a very sweet outlook, in which their flaws are brought up to the surface (for example, charles' outburst against the night nurse in episode 4), but they learn to accept them as they are, an extension of themselves.

4. a pearl by mitski

you know it's gonna get intense if there's a mitski song in the mix.

the song is about a person who finds love in their partner, someone who treats them way better than they've ever been treated - and yet they cannot bring themselves to reciprocate the affection ("it's not that i don't want you, sorry i can't take your touch") despite reciprocating the feelings themselves because of the trauma. charles is known to bottle things up ("you're growing tired of me and all the things i don't talk about"). the person in the song recognises the love the other person holds for them ("you love me so hard and i still can't sleep"), which reminds me of charles' response to edwin's confession. not a "no", but a "maybe, as time passes".

5. fair by the amazing devil

this one made me genuinely gasp when i first delved into the lyrics. it's simply so sweet, such a genuine and domestic portrayal of love. at first i thought it was way too open about being a love song (normal text instead of the subtext i'd be used to) for jayden to choose it with edwin in mind, but... there's no one else it can really be about. it's far too domestic, too "established" to refer to crystal. refers to a relationship that's laster for a longer while.

the narrator in the first verse is a person deeply in love with the other person, someone who loves to make his lover laugh and simply drinks in their presence. the "he" in the song i believe is charles, while the "she" refers to edwin. edwin promises to fight off anyone - or any feelings pulling charles down (we can see this in the first episode: "you ever think... what if death did catch us? she'd force us to go to the afterlife and split up" "i will make sure this never happens."). charles feels left behind by the world (seeing as he clings to crystal at first, refering to her as "someone their age who's still alive") and believes edwin to be so much stronger than he's ever been. i'm not going to break down the song verse by verse, but if you read it yourself while subbing out "he" for charles and "she" for edwin you'll see just how sweet (and... strangely very in character?) the song is.

6. work song by hozier

if the previous song made me gasp when i saw the lyrics, this one made me go "NO WAY" out loud when i saw the title. the first one verse is just pure toothrotting sweetness, but the chorus is what i want to draw attention to:

when my time comes around lay me gently in the cold, dark earth no grave can hold my body down i'll crawl home to her

HELLO? charles, who keeps escaping death and afterlife to be able to stay with edwin? charles, as he literally takes his last breath with edwin right there, choosing to be by his side rather than move on? charles, who keeps choosing him despite night nurse's promises and threats? charles, who literally crawled through hell for him?

verse 2, to me, can be interpreted as referring to when charles died. edwin found him at his worst, and he "woke" up with his presence comforting him. he was shivering due to hypothermia and his injuries. edwin didn't ask him about what happened or pushed him, he simply listened. the lines "i didn't care much how long i lived, but I swear, i thought i dreamed her" are pretty self explanatory.

in verse 3 we still see the same attitude of "damn the afterlife, at least we have each other" as charles portrays througout the series. they're free, and heaven and hell are simply words to him.

7. orpheus by vincent lima

i literally have no words for this one. it fits too well. if you want commentary for this one, just... i don't know, rewatch the staircase scene.

8. francesca by hozier

(cracks knuckles) this is the big one. the album francesca is from, unreal unearth, is based on dante alighieri's divine comedy, a fourteenth century poem about a man venturing into hell, purgatory and eventually heaven. the eponymous francesca is one francesca di rimini, a woman who was politically married off to a man older than her, called giovanni malatesta. francesca didn't love him, and eventually fell deep in love with giovanni's younger brother, paolo. the two carried on with the affair for years, before being murdered by giovanni upon his finding out. francesca and paolo are mentioned in canto v of the first book, inferno, as two souls damned in the second circle of hell, lust. their punishment is to be permanently locked in a hurricane, swept away by the winds the moment they manage to get close enough to touch one another.

as opposed to their portrayal in the poem, the song is from the perspective of paolo, explaining that no matter the punishment, he wouldn't change anything about his life because he got to know, and love, francesca.

the first verse brings to mind the scenes in hell, especially on the staircase ("do you think I'd give up? that this might've shook the love from me? or that I was on the brink? how could you think, darlin', i'd scare so easily?" as an echo of charles' "sorry. no version of this where i didn't come get you"). "my life was a storm since i was born, how could i fear any hurricane?" could relate to charles' tumultuous family life, an assurance that nothing he has to deal with while by edwin's side will faze him given the things he's lived through. no, despite everything he's suffered through, charles wouldn't do anything differently - because his (admittedly shitty) life led him to edwin ("i'd tell them, put me back in"). we already know charles would choose him over heaven, willingly sacrificing his own afterlife to stay with a boy he's known for hours, someone kind enough to keep him company as he drew his final breath. all of it - his father's abuse, his schoolmates' bigotry, the pain of his own death, as well as everything he's gone through since - he'd do it all again, for edwin.

"for all that was said of where we'd end up at the end of it" could be taken as an allusion to the fate the boys would meet at "at the end of it", when they're finally caught by death and separated, or as more of a general "if you sin, you will go to hell when you die" (up to you to decide what the sin itself would be - an interpretation that would work with other songs on the playlist is that one such sin would be same sex attraction). then their hearts ceased, they never knew "peace", nor did they want to find it in death. their deaths were too soon, them being ripped away from life, but even though it would break his heart: charles would ask to do it all again.

the outro, i think, beautifully pulls it all together: heaven is not fit to house a love like theirs.

to wrap it all up:

jayden, what were you cooking in there? what do you know??

[27spoons]

CRUSH | ACT ONE: CIGARETTE DAYDREAMS

pairing: natalie scatorccio/fem!reader

summary:

A handful of chance encounters with the elusive Natalie Scatorccio lead to an unlikely outing with the aforementioned, which leads you to an unexpected and unconventional place, far removed from your usual quiet routines. In the quiet of their surroundings, the two find themselves opening up, sharing glimpses of their lives and discovering unexpected common ground. You're drawn into Natalie's world as the day unfolds, leaving you questioning your choices and craving more of the freedom and thrill she embodies.

wc: 5700

warnings: they smoke weed, reader is a bumbling idiot

a/n: the amount of research i did into the american school system is truly astounding. yall are so weird (lovingly). what the fuck is a homecoming and why are you guys so obsessed with it (/j) (mostly)

ao3 / masterlist

PREVIOUS - PRELUDE: CRUSH

NEXT - ACT ONE: HOW CAN I MAKE IT OK?

The first time you really noticed Natalie Scatorccio, she was leaning against the bleachers behind the gym with a cigarette dangling from her lips, head tipped back like she didn't give a fuck if the sun blinded her. Even in the heat of late spring, still wearing that black, faded leather jacket. You wonder if she was born with it.

You didn't mean to stare. You never do.

But Natalie… well, Natalie always had a way of drawing your attention, like a moth to a flame. The rest of the world seemed to fade into static whenever she came into your line of view. 

Looking back, you wonder why the hell she even came to school that day. Half the time, she was just a rumour passed from one hallway to another, a near-mythical figure that drifted in and out of classes on her own terms. Maybe her being on the soccer team played a role in her occasionally attending classes. As good of a player as she was, they couldn't have someone on the team who ditched all of their classes. Only some. And maybe she had a bit of, well, a lot of a record. You don't know how much of it is true, but you do know she's spent more than a few nights in juvie. 

Anyway, she didn't notice you. She never did.

Why would she notice someone like you, anyway? With her sharp edges and reckless impetuousness? You barely spoke in class unless called on, minded your own, and were content fading into the background of any picture. Your life was routine and predictable—a series of perfectly lined notebooks and polite smiles.

But, with all that in mind, it never stopped your heart from catching in your throat every time her eyes flicked lazily across the quad, scanning the crowd like she was already bored of it. It never stopped the rush of heat to your cheeks when someone shouted her name, and she smirked, tossing her cigarette to the pavement and crushing it with her boot. 

You told yourself to stop looking.

You didn't.

Instead, you let your gaze linger, wondering what it felt like to be the kind of person who could light up a cigarette in the middle of the day and make it look like art. Wondering what it felt like to be noticed by Natalie Scatorccio.

Wondering if you ever would.

You never planned to talk to her. Not really. It was always just passing thoughts of what it would be like to interact with her. Would she be exactly like all the rumours? A cold, uncaring burnout that doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself? Or would she be kinder? Someone who cares about people and has a secret soft spot?

The thoughts that ran through your mind every time you looked at her. Some more explicit than others. Whoops. 

Maybe even when you weren't looking at her. Like now, for example. So lost in your own world, leaning against the school's exterior wall during your free period, you don't even notice someone approaching you until their voice pushes you out of your thoughts. 

"Got a light?" The raspy, feminine voice asked, sounding like the person it came from had already smoked half a pack today.

Your head flicks over to the voice and… Natalie Scatorccio. In the flesh. How long had you been imagining your first interaction? Since that spring sophomore year? What was that, over a year ago, now?

You blink, startled. "Uh, I, uh—I don’t smoke.” 

The girl scoffs, "No shit. I didn't ask if you smoked. I asked if you had a light."

You must look like a deer in the headlights right now, mouth opening and closing uselessly like a fish out of water. "Uh." You sling your backpack off your back and unzip it. Truthfully, you already know you don't have a lighter in here. You're only looking because it's an excuse to keep her around a little longer. 

"Sorry," you murmur after a minute spent rifling through your bag and Nat shifting restlessly beside you. "Don't have, uh, a lighter on me."

She appraises you for a moment, "Then what are you doing here, Princess?" She gestures vaguely to the surrounding area. "This your idea of a field trip? Comin' to the corner where the burnouts hang out?"

…is this the corner where her and her friends hang out? No, right? You've never seen them back here before. Mind you, it's not like you're watching her every move, but you feel like you've seen her around enough to know that this isn't her usual haunt. 

"No, uh, I, uh, just wanted some air." The words tumble from your mouth before you can stop them. 

Natalie laughs, low and quiet, "Sure, sure." She tucks her cigarette behind her right ear and crosses her arms, looking over you again with that same look that you could never entirely read. "Well, enjoy it while it lasts. You won't get air like this where you're going."

"Where I'm going?"

She hums, shrugging and pushing off the brick wall the two of you were leaning against. "Wherever people like you go when they get bored of people like me."

You don't even get the time to consider that or form a response before she's walking off with that signature swagger. 

So, you stand there, staring after her, heart pounding in a way that had nothing to do with fear.

You'll start carrying a lighter with you, you decide. 

The next time you interact with Natalie Scatorccio is the week before homecoming, and it's in a setting that is far from glamorous. 

You're in—well, just outside—the school's storage closet, begrudgingly helping a teacher gather decorations for the upcoming celebration. She'd roped you in during your lunch period with a sickeningly sweet smile and a nudge about "school spirit," and, of course, you've always had a hard time saying no. Now, you're stuck digging through boxes upon boxes of tangled string lights, crumpled paper banners, and decorations that are probably older than you are. The icing on the cake is the fact that the entire room smells like mothballs and mildew. 

So, there you are, crouched down and trying to untangle a particularly stubborn knot that connects a pair of string lights when a vaguely familiar voice startles you.

"Didn't peg you for the "volunteer of the year" type."

You glance in the direction of the voice to see Natalie leaning against the closet doorframe, arms crossed and smirking down at you. She's got a blue Gatorade bottle in one hand, the other tucked into the pocket of her leather jacket.

You blink, genuinely surprised to see her in this part of the school, voluntarily. "Uh… what're you doing here?" You stammer out, hands still buried in the mess of tangled lights.

Natalie cocks an eyebrow at you, "Came to see if this place had any tape. Coach is too cheap to buy any decent stuff for the team." She waves a roll of duct tape in her hand, as if to prove her point, then glances down at the many boxes you're sifting through. "You doing this for shits and giggles or some sort of punishment?"

"Uh… neither?" You shift in your position awkwardly, "Ms. Garza needed help, and I—"

She scoffs and interrupts you, "You're too nice." she crouches down beside you with an exaggerated groan, like the act of sitting is the hardest thing in the world. "Lemme guess. Something about school pride, how much she would appreciate it, and a pat on the back?"

"...yeah…" you murmur, face flushing.

An indignant snort leaves her as she digs her hands into the string of lights you currently have yours in, "Called it." To your great surprise, she starts untangling the knotted lights with a deftness you weren't quite expecting.

Mind you, you weren't really expecting any of this.

"Oh, uh, you really don't have to—"

"Nah. 'm bored." She shrugs, not bothering to look up at you. "Wanted an excuse to ditch practice, anyways."

"Oh." You aren't quite sure how to respond to that, so you settle for just watching her work.

The silence stretches as she untangles the lights on your behalf, slightly uncomfortable and tense but not awkward, for some reason. Eventually, you find the courage to ask, "You're, uh, on the soccer team, right?"

Natalie pauses for a moment, then shrugs and gets back to work. "Yep," and for a moment, you think that's all she's gonna say until she adds: "Not exactly my dream job, but it mostly keeps me out of trouble." She smirks and finally glances at you, "Mostly."

"Well… that's good, I guess?" You offer, watching as she successfully untangles one of the strings from the giant mess.

She laughs—short, sharp, and genuine—and it honestly catches you off-guard for a moment.  "Sure, Princess. Good. That's one word for it."

You let that silence slowly become awkward before you mumble out, "You're not what I expected." You don't even intend it to come out of your mouth, but it does before you can stop it.

Natalie freezes, her expression shifting to something unreadable. "And what exactly did you expect, huh?" Her tone, while mostly neutral, carries a slight bite to it.

That makes you hesitate.

Good job, dumbass.

"Oh, uh, it's just that… people say a lot of stuff about you. I dunno." Your face flushes again, and you feel like a bit of an ass for saying something, but surely she knows the rumours that circulate her.

"Yeah, well, people say a lot of shit about anything they don't understand." She nearly snaps, her jaw tensing before she finally looks at you, her gaze making you feel far more insignificant than you've ever felt before. "Guess it doesn't really matter what they say, huh? People like you don't bother to find out for themselves."

"People…" You swallow down that sudden lump in your throat, "People like me?"

"Yeah. You know," she gestures vaguely at you with her free hand as if that explains everything. "The good kids. The nerds. The ones that stick to the rules and do what they're told. Whatever."

You open your mouth to dispute that claim, that you really don't "stick to the rules" and "do what you're told," but even if you could without lying, she wouldn't believe you. "Yeah." You manage, unable to find anything else to say.

After that, the two of you finish untangling the lights in relative silence, and as bad as you feel about what you said (and assumed), you feel like there's some sort of understanding you've gained about the woman a majority of the school avoids, like the plague.

As Natalie stands to leave, duct tape in one hand and a satisfied grin on her face, she pauses and spares a glance back at you, "Hey," a beat, "Try saying no next time. Might make life more… interesting."

Then… she's gone. Leaving you alone with the faint smell of cigarette smoke and the realization you're probably blushing.

You start frequenting that spot in the back of the school during your spare period and hoping that maybe, maybe, she'll grace you with her presence again. 

Lucky for you, she does—two weeks later.

It's early October in your senior year; homecoming has come and gone, and the air has started to develop a slight chill. You're sitting against that same wall with a sketchbook in hand and earbuds in, listening to whatever is playing off your phone. You really need to work on your situational awareness because you don't even notice Natalie approaching until her figure is looming over you. You quickly pull an earbud out as you look up at her. "Uh—" "What're you working on, Princess?" Despite the teasing lilt in her voice, she seems… genuinely curious. "Oh, uh, just…" You turn the sketchbook around and offer it to her, figuring it's easier to show than try to explain. "Yeah, I'm drawing a very specific type of bird, the barn swallow, which I saw when I went up to my grandfather's farm over the weekend." True, you could just say, "It's a barn swallow," but that's no fun.

Natalie cocks an eyebrow, surprised that you're just handing her your drawing when most people wouldn't let her touch their belongings with a ten-foot pole, but she doesn't comment on it. She nods as she looks down at the sketch, "'s a nice looking bird. You got talent, Princess." She hands the book back to you, "Your field trip take you out here again?"

You flush slightly at the compliment, murmuring out a quiet "Thanks" before you look back up at her, "Oh, uh, I just… it's quiet back here. Most people don't come around this part of the school, so I can draw in peace. It's nice." You offer her a soft smile, which she returns. "Yeah, it is, isn't it?" The girl looks around the area, yawning. "Always nice to find spots where the rest of the school don't stick their noses." She glances back down at you, "Shouldn't you be in class? Don't seem like the type to skip." You shake your head, "I have a spare right now. And I'd rather be out there than in the library or something. At least out here, I can breathe." You chuckle quietly to yourself.

She huffs at the comment and pulls a pack of cigarettes from her jacket pocket, "This is true." She places one between her lips, and you almost hope she asks you if you have a lighter again, just so you can show her that you do, but she doesn't, instead opting to pull out a rusted Zippo from one of her combat boots. She takes a few puffs from the smoke before flicking the lighter closed and returning it to her boot. 

"Sorry. Would've asked if you wanted to bum one, but you said you didn't smoke last time." Last time. Meaning she remembers the interaction the two of you had weeks ago. That brief, fleeting interaction. It shouldn't make you feel as warm as it does. "What's your last class of the day?" And now she's asking you questions. About yourself. That's crazy. That's wild. 

"Oh, uh, AP Chemistry with Mr. Carr."

Natalie snorts as she brings the Marlboro back to her lips, "Figures you'd be in AP Chem." You frown slightly at that, but she quickly adds: "Not that that's a bad thing or whatever. You just… seem like the overachieving type. No offense." She shrugs as she takes a long pull from the smoke.

"Yeah, well, parents want me getting into a good university, preferably with a scholarship, so that I won't have to go into crippling debt just to study." You give another (slightly tense) chuckle.

She grunts in response, "I get that." You were half expecting her to make another jab about getting into a good school or getting a scholarship, but find yourself pleasantly surprised when she doesn't. "Hey," She says, looking back down at you, "When's the last time you skipped a class?" Skipped a class? You don't think you've ever—well, that's a lie. You did a few times back in middle school when you thought it was cool. And it was—until you ended up missing a test. "Middle school, I think." You mumble, thinking about the question. "Probably eighth grade. Why?"

A devilish grin crosses her features, "Well, Princess, I think your nerdy ass is long overdue for a skip. Last block of the day, anyway. What've you got to lose?" You consider that. She's right. It is the last class of the day. And you know that Mr. Carr is just reviewing stuff for Monday's test. 

You know you shouldn't. Really, you shouldn't. It's a bad idea. One headed for disaster. You don't know her, and she just keeps calling you "Princess," and for all that is holy, this will be a terrible idea.

"Uh, I don't know." You, once again, give her a tense chuckle. "The school will call my parents if I'm not in class." Natalie rolls her eyes and scoffs, ashing her cigarette. "Please. Just text them and tell them you've got a stomach ache or something and needed to go home early. I doubt they'll piss themselves over it. After all, it's like you said, you haven't skipped since middle school. Live a little." Live a little. She's right, again. How many times are you gonna let opportunities pass you by because you were too much of a pussy to do anything? For all that is holy, you might regret this.

"...if you end up sacrificing me to some blood God, I will be very upset." But you start packing your stuff up all the same. Natalie laughs—truly laughs. Warm and open. You decide you like that sound. "Not a blood God fan? Alright. I'll sacrifice you to the sex Gods, then." She grins as she takes another pull from the smoke, "C'mon. I know a place." She gestures with her head for you to follow. She doesn't even stop to make sure you're following her; she just assumes you are.

You scramble up off the ground and quickly move to fall into step with her as she leads you away from the school. 

She moves fast, walking down the sidewalk and stepping over cracks and rocks as if she's taken this route countless times, and maybe she has. Not once does she spare a glance back at you to see if you're following, her eyes set on the path in front of her—as if nothing could break her single-minded focus of leading the two of you to… wherever you're going. 

The two of you walk in silence for what feels like forever but is actually only a few minutes. Despite being slightly taller than the blonde, you find yourself taking slightly hurried steps in order to keep up with her. Natalie doesn't seem interested in telling you where she's leading you, and you don't dare ask—not yet, anyway. You clutch your bag tightly, feeling both exhilarated and slightly nauseous.

“Relax, Princess,” she says finally, her voice cutting through the quiet. She glances over at you with a smirk, flicking ash from her cigarette onto the pavement. “I’m not dragging you into anything illegal.” She grins and looks back ahead, "And I'm not actually sacrificing you to the Sex Gods—unless you're into that." She lets out a low chuckle, and you find yourself blushing again like a fool.

You're grateful she's looking away from you again, although you're almost positive she knows your face is bright red. "I, uh, I wasn't thinking that." You mumble out, nearly tripping over your own feet.

"Sure you weren't." She hums, "Don't worry. For the record, this place is cool. No cops, no teachers, no assholes tryin' t'stick their nose where it doesn't belong. Just us."

You should feel reassured, but her words only make your pulse quicken. Us. Like you’re part of her world now, even if just for a little while.

She leads you down a side street, and the area she turns down honestly looks like the type of place where someone would be murdered brutally, and their body would be discovered two months later when someone walking their dog accidentally stumbles across it. Sunlight filters through the overgrown trees on one side of the street, the tangled branches casting eerily beautiful shadows on the gravel road. 

Natalie comes to a stop at the end of the road, pushing open a rusted gate that groans in protest at the movement. On the other side of the gate lies a small, run-down skatepark, the kind that's been long forgotten by time and maintenance crews. Graffiti covers every available surface, some of it less vulgar than others. 

She flicks her cigarette butt to the pavement and crushes it under the toe of her boot, "Welcome to paradise," she says, throwing her arms out wide as if displaying the park to you like it was her prized possession. 

"This is… your big, secret spot?" You cock an eyebrow and glance around, walking to the edge of the skate bowl and glancing down at the artwork that covers it.

Natalie laughs, leaning against the nearest ramp. “Hey, this baby is my pride and joy. Beats sitting in AP Chem, doesn’t it?”

You can’t argue with that.

You can try to, however. "'least I'd be learning something in AP Chem."

She laughs at that, "Oh, yeah?" Well, I can sure as hell teach you a few things, Princess." She pushes off from the ramp and saunters over to you, and you swear to God your face might actually look like a tomato. "I, uh, I—"

She laughs, "Relax, Princess." She drops down to sit on the edge of the bowl, taking her backpack off and pulling out a tin of Altoids. 

"...Mints?" You ask, confused, your face slowly returning to its normal colour as you sit beside her, albeit with slight trepidation. 

The girl snorts as she opens the tin, revealing a handful of carefully rolled joints. "No, Princess. I just got tired of carrying around plastic bags of joints that would end up crushed by the end of the day. This keeps them intact and fresh." She pulls one out and places the end of one between her lips, offering you the tin.

You look down at it like you're seeing a ghost. "Uh—"

She rolls her eyes, but the grin on her lips remains, "'s not gonna bite you. Just a joint." She closes the tin and lights the one between her lips, taking a few puffs to ensure it stays lit. "You really never smoked before, yeah? Complete virgin?" Oh, if only she knew how true that statement was. "Yeah, uh, virgin lungs. Only ever inhaled oxygen." You give a tense laugh, rubbing the back of your neck and looking away bashfully. 

"Well," Natalie hums, holding the joint out for you, "First time for everything, yeah?" 

You stare at the joint like it's possessed. "I don't, uh, really know how to." Nat shakes her head and laughs, "Dude, seriously, you need to relax a little. Just, like…" She sighs and rolls her eyes, waving her free hand around as she tries to explain how to take a hit. "Like… you're drinking from a straw, or whatever, but you're trynin' t'fill your lungs, not your stomach." You reach out to grab it, but she pulls it back for a moment before letting you have it, "And, whatever you do, do not fucking slobber all over my joint, or this—" she gestures between the two of you, "—will never happen again. Yeah?"

"Yeah." You murmur, suddenly far more nervous than you already had been, if that was even possible. You swallow nervously to clear the saliva from your mouth and place the end of the joint between your lips and do as she instructed, inhaling like you would if you were sucking something through a straw. You only manage to get about a second and a half into taking the pull before you're pulling the smoke from your mouth and coughing up a lung.

Natalie, of course, starts laughing her ass off. "Dude—" She tries to stop laughing, but the more you cough, the more she laughs. Admittedly, even though you're suffering, you do quite enjoy hearing her laugh. "Dude, seriously. Breathe." She grabs the joint back from you before you drop it.

"Yeah, well, easy for—" You cough a few more times, "—easy for you to say." You wave the lingering smoke away from your face, "You're not the one who just took your first hit."

She scoffs, a cocky grin plastered on her face. "Yeah, but I didn't cough my fucking lungs out the first time I took a hit." Natalie brings the joint to her lips and takes another pull before ashing it, "Try again." She offers the smoke to you again, "And this time, try not to cough like that, yeah?" Her tone is teasing, and her eyes sparkle with mischief. 

Damn. You're already whipped, aren't you?

You let out another shaky exhale as you place the joint between your lips again and inhale, although not as aggressively this time. You manage to actually take a few second long pull, although you do cough a few times on the exhale. "Fuck." 

You pass the joint back to her as you make a face, and Natalie just laughs again. "See, Princess? You can take a proper hit. I'll make a stoner of you yet." She grins to herself as she takes another long pull.

Silence, comfortable silence, passes between the two of you as you share the joint (and yes, you do still cough after every hit. But you swear you're getting better!) until it's depleted. Natalie sighs as she snuffs the roach of the joint out on the concrete, "I don't like silence. Talk." She says bluntly, drawing one of her legs up to her chest as the other remains draped over the edge of the bowl.

"Uh." You stammer, shaking your head. "Alright. Uh… do you skate? Or something? I'm assuming this isn't really a place you just… stumble upon." You vaguely gesture to the surrounding skatepark. 

The bleach blonde shakes her head, "Nah. I don't skate. Kev does. 's become our hangout spot. No one comes 'round here unless they're tryin' t'smoke or skate. And the people that do come around to do that are usually chill." She glances at you, "So don't make me regret showing you this place, yeah? If I come back one day and see all the graffiti gone and the place cleaned up, I'm comin' for you, Princess."

Princess. That stupid fucking nickname. She hasn't even asked your name, but she's been more than fine sharing a joint with you and showing you her 'secret spot' that she seems to value so much. 

Yet, as much as you dislike the nickname, you also like how it spills from her lips. Maybe it's just because it's her saying it. 

"Promise I won't leak your "special spot" to the locals." You shoot her a smile, and she smiles back at you. 

"Good." A beat, "How's it feel to hang out with someone like me, huh? Bet your goody-two-shoes ass would have never dreamt about smoking a joint in an abandoned skatepark with someone who has a rap sheet, huh?"

Well… maybe you have dreamt about it. But Natalie doesn't need to know that. "Didn't think it would ever happen, no." You nod, looking back over the spray-painted pavement. "I, uh, like the… fuzzy feeling from the weed, though."

"Fuzzy feeling." Natalie parrots, shaking her head, "You're high, Princess. That's what that fuzzy feeling is. You're high. Didn't even smoke that much. I forget how much of a lightweight newbloods are." 

"Yeah, well, not all of us smoke our first joint at ten and do our first stint in juvie by twelve." You roll your eyes, and the teasing edge in your voice surprises even you. Maybe it's the weed talking—or perhaps it's Natalie, the way she makes you feel a little bolder than you would typically be. 

To your surprise, Natalie seems to take the comment in stride. "I'll have you know I didn't do my first stint until I was fourteen, thank you." She grins, leaning back on her hands. "What's the most rebellious thing you've ever done, Princess? And, no, skipping class with me and smoking a joint doesn't count."

You have to think about that for a moment. 

Like… a long moment. You really don't do anything that would be considered rebellious. "Uhhh… skipped a few times in middle school. Snuck out a handful of times after curfew to watch the meteor showers…" You're quickly realising how lame you sound. "I, uh, once I stole some vodka from my parent's liquor cabinet? But… nothing major, obviously."

Natalie lets out a low whistle, "Damn, you're a natural rebel, yeah? Sneaking out to watch meteor showers… stealing vodka from your parents once…" She shakes her head in mock disbelief. "You're adorable." A wistful sigh leaves her lips.

"Yeah…" You give a strained chuckle and rub the back of your neck, feeling far more bashful than you had been all afternoon. "What, uh, about you?" You ask, partially to deflect from the conversation about you and partially because you're actually curious. You've heard so much about her, so many stories and rumours… how many of them are actually true? "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"

She shrugs, like she’s been asked this a hundred times before, and she probably has. "The usual. Got into some fights, boosted a car once—don’t recommend it, by the way—and maybe climbed a water tower drunk off my ass just to prove a point." She grins, clearly proud of herself. "Oh, and there was that time I broke into a swimming pool after hours. Almost got caught, but it was worth it."

That is… surprisingly far less than you thought it would be. Your kneejerk reaction is to ask, "Is that all?" but you know better. "What type of car?" You ask, which is a far safer question.

Natalie laughs, "That's what you're pulling from that?" She shakes her head, "Sure. Was a Mazda MX-5. Soft top. First gen. Did it on a dare. Belonged to some rich asshole that lived outside of Philly. Took way too fucking long to boost, and I was sweating balls the whole time. Never again."

"Damn." You murmur, "What did you do with the car once you got it started?" You ask, far too curious for your own good.

"Mm, that's a secret, Princess. Curiosity kills cats, or whatever the fuck the expression is." She smirks lazily, waving a hand dismissively. "Y'know, life is short as fuck. Shorter if you're someone like me." She takes a moment to light up a cigarette, "You ever think about that? Like… if all you do is follow the rules, what’s the point?"

You're not sure if it's the weed talking, but… her words hit heavier than you thought they would. "I guess I’ve never really thought about it like that," you admit, voice softer than intended. "I mean… I’ve always just done what I was supposed to, what everyone expected of me. Status quo, and all that." You shrug, but there's a lack of conviction behind it.

Natalie blows a few smoke rings before turning her gaze back to you, "Yeah? How's that working for you? Living the life of your dreams?"

You sigh and look away from her, then groan and lie down against the edge of the bowl, legs still dangling off of it. "I mean… I guess it's working out fine." You shake your head, not even convinced of your own words, "Sometimes, though? Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to… just…" You throw your hands up in frustration as you try and find the right words, "Just do whatever the hell I want. Like you, I guess."

She scoffs, but it isn't harsh like her previous ones have been; it's almost bordering on wistful. "Careful, Princess. That's the type of thinking that gets you into trouble." She puffs on her smoke several times, "The good type of trouble, don't get me wrong. The kind of trouble that makes life actually worth living.

You don’t know what to say to that, so you just sit there, the quiet settling in again. But this time, it feels different—less like silence and more like… a mutual understanding.

The two of you sit out in quiet understanding for a little while until Natalie's cell vibrates. She fishes it out of her jacket pocket with a sigh and glances down at the cracked screen of her… you're pretty sure that's a Samsung S8, which is more than a few generations old at this point, but it's honestly not that surprising that she has an old, beat up phone.

"I gotta jet, Princess." She pushes herself into a standing position and swings her backpack over her shoulder, but before she leaves, she looks down at you, still sitting on the edge of the bowl. "But, for the record?" A grin twitches its way onto her face, "You're not half bad. Guess not every nerd is an uptight bitch, huh?" Then, she's off. Leaving you sitting on the edge of the skate bowl, reflecting on the past… however long you spent out here with her.

The silence left in her wake feels heavier than you'd expect—as if she took all the noise and chaos with her as she left. You sit there a while longer, brooding in the stillness. Your eyes drift to the snuffed-out roach of the joint the two of you shared, and you find a smile crossing your features as the words she left with replay in your mind.

"You're not half bad."

It's probably nothing to her, just another throwaway moment in the whirlwind that is her life, but to you? Well, to you, it feels like a seed of something has been sowed. Approval? A connection? Whatever it is, you let it linger.

Eventually, you rise, brushing off the nonexistent dust and dirt from your pants. The world feels different now—softer, maybe. Or maybe that’s just the buzz still coursing through your body. You know you should head home, but instead, you pull out your phone and snap a quick picture of the empty skatepark, the graffiti-lined concrete glowing faintly in the golden light of the setting sun.

Maybe you’ll sketch it later. Perhaps you’ll save it as a reminder of this strange, unexpected, but welcome afternoon.

As you begin your walk home, you let your thoughts wander to Natalie—her casual confidence, her warm laugh, and how she made you feel that leaving your comfort zone, that safe little bubble you had built, was not only possible—but necessary. 

You don't know if you'll see her again tomorrow, or the next day, or anytime soon, really. 

But you sure as hell hope you do.

a/n: yall not gonna be getting anything even remotely romantic for a hot minute whoops (gotta build that tension yfm)

questions/comments/whatever? slide in my asks and ill maybe respond idk teehee

[crabussy]

The Americans will victimize themselves and say how their school system is what makes them not know about the rest of the world

truly.... I'm getting a bit weary of everyone saying this over and over in the notes. your middle school teacher not telling you how half the planet works (which is awful don't get me wrong) doesn't explain to me why there seems to be such an alarming lack of curiosity towards how the world works for so many people. you have an entire world of information in your pocket and somehow you never found this out? despite interacting with people all over the globe just by being online?? on top of this.... a good half of the americans talking about school in the tags of that post have said they DID in fact learn this in school. I understand the education system isn't identical all over the US but I figured it's worth mentioning... someone used the excuse that they and others "wouldn't have friends in the southern hemisphere because of timezones and no shared language (english)" despite english being one of the most commonly spoken languages in the southern hemisphere.... australia, south africa, aotearoa, and many smaller countries all have english as an official language!! a lot of people in south america also speak english. argentina for example has a very high english proficiency! and timezones involve longitude, not latitude, so that excuse is confusing to me too. new york and peru are in the same timezone, for just one example. 7am where I am is 12pm in california. I dated a texan for quite a while yet we managed with timezones. have a lot of friends from the other hemisphere who I talk to very often! I even made a poll about this and I think over 1/3rd of all people from the northern hemisphere who answered said that they have friends/family in the southern hemisphere.

I saw someone else say that because americans work so much, "the grind" keeps them from ever learning new things. this person went in depth on why this is. they were genuine, I'm certain. but other countries also have overworked citizens? I understand the working conditions in the US are DIRE but so are the working conditions of many, many other countries!! you can still search things up on your lunch break surely?

the excuses I've seen on that post have been perplexing at best and aggravating at worst. some people are offering genuine explanations (e.g. that incurious thinking is encouraged through the education system, which I can understand and sympathise with) but some people are just dodging responsibility in ways that make me kind of sad. your education system may have failed you but you can't rely on your high school teachers to carry you through life!!!

really sorry if I seem frustrated or dismissive here! I'm mainly just baffled and have been hearing the same reasons over and over for why some people don't know that july is in winter over here, or why people don't know that in the southern hemisphere, north is warmer (as it's closer to the equator) and south is colder (closer to the south pole). I don't think you can place the entire blame on what you were or weren't taught in school... I might be wrong!

[chipchopclipclop]

got all 100 endings in hundred line post. thoughts below

warning for general spoilers here - sorry for only ever obsessing over video game mid its like a disease i have but tldr; this game has some very good points and some abysmal dogshit in it, though most of it i can say atp is pretty monotonous mid. i aimed to get everything from the start, and tried my best to steer away from what i felt was the 'true' second route until the very end (which ended up being ending 1 lol). Here is how my journey ended up, plus some quick surface thoughts on each route.

Playing the game like this going from route to route trying to clear it all as opposed to going for what seemed interesting, it was genuinely a toss up if id suddenly get something good and exciting or the most boring shit in the universe for the next 3-4 hours. really keeping me on my toes tookyo games. like doing jury duty for anime games.

Generally my thoughts on the games execution is you can definitely tell the 100 endings thing was just them basically working within the confines of what they already had, like mixing up a toybox over and over again as opposed to using them as a chance to break out and do something completely different each route. nothing in these ever goes so so crazy out of the box that you're not still doing those fucking commander battles at every set day at every time on the same school map over and over, this games kind of shackled to its framework in a way that quickly makes it very boring and monotonous if you're doing them back to back, even if you aren't it gets stale really really fast. The ones that do break away from this are unshockingly the best and most interesting routes in the game, but theyre very few and far between, which is really a shame...!

There's alot of potential in the concept hundred line pitches but nothing ever properly comes to fruition and half the time it just feels like a gimmick they scrambled for. They simply didn't have the time and budget to really expand the promises of some of these routes into really fun and different directions. The combat itself is a great example of this, you never have any truly interesting battle setups outside 4-5 setpieces across the whole game, and with So Many Battles that is also such a shame. there's so many setups in the routes themselves that could lead to interesting combat scenarios but just never happen. Basically this game feels like someones initial idea they bashed out, and then never got to do more with, you can tell how limited they were by their own constraints.

Also i understand this is probably my view from doing it all, and most sane people aren't going to try for every ending (they're just not all even worth it in general lol) but ik alot of people will still want to do at least a good chunks worth of them and even then, it will get really really really monotonous. Another big reason outside of gameplay for this is the plot point repetition, mostly due to the conceit that every route could be someones first so they need to constantly repeat information and certain scenarios between each one.

There's a reason most games like this are built so you cant do that lmfao, and this is why. It's kind of funny how many pitfalls hundred line falls into that feel like they've already been solved in other games, and if they wanted to commit to this anyway they really needed something else going on to help with the skipping aspect. I wouldn't reccomend anyone to play going for all hundred endings, which is a funny thing to say when this is basically 75% of its selling point.

Despite all this though hundred line is fun to think about bc of how many glaring flaws it has. I know why they had to do it like this but goddamn lmfao. whyd you do it like that.

General Thoughts of this Games Story (ill get route specific down below) -> relevant image from my friend jude playing

I suspected the Eito Heel Turn early on, but its fun to see it happen regardless in game. This is the first time ive ever given a fuck about any one of Kodaka's Nefarious Gay Twinks, there is no love lost for komaeda or kokichi in my house. But Eito manages to be very compelling to me because of his naivete and obsession, and the initial feeling of hanging around with a 'defeated boss chara' after time traveling for the rest of the game is a novel concept, i loved his snippiness with takumi lol, and it explains why he pays attention to him after that.

I said this to my friends multiple times while playing but hes just a moegirl someone gave the worst cognitive disorder in the world, and seeing that come through in his mannerisms even when hes Being Evil Fuck Humanity Ewww is very charming and also saddening LOL, they lucked out having a character this prominent being one of the best written in the game. Btw i already have ocs that are just 'saya no uta but gay old men' so i think kodaka owes me a cheque in the mail.

In the end i got very attached to much of this cast, and the routes where they got to shine made the most of it for me. Doesn't help it had archetypes i really gravitate towards in it (nice freaks) and now i have brain damage :/ please enjoy these brain damage charts for my thoughts there

Yugamu is my angel who can do no wrong, i liked him before i did a route focusing in on him but after that it really was my fate sealed lmfao, the first woke assassin murderer bdsm fetishist in anime game media ever created. I like deranged freak charas sometimes (rare bias of mine) but i also like guys who are nice, he is like the best combo of both. Eito is my second angel who can do wrong but i forgive him. they are both literally nice. Very funny the two most overtly gay guys stories are about looking for love (in a hopeless place) after coming from loveless homes and backgrounds. They Cooked A Little Bit With This One.

Everyone else at the main academy makes me smile big with few exceptions. Hiruko is easily the most fleshed out girl and very easy to appreciate once you get to know her, and i appreciate her never faltering much on her hardassery. When shes sweet or caring it doesnt feel tropey or overplayed, just nice and human and a bit fail. Gaku is #myloser and despite probably deserving to get blown up with hammers i want good things for him and i miss him when hes not around. Tsubasa lovelove, it helps she gets so many great developments in alot of routes its hard to not like her, plus i like her flaws actually being relevant to alot of those developments. Takemaru is gods gift to mankind who i wish got more play in more routes. Came around quickly on Darumi and love her, but she is someone i would block on twitter irl.

2LDA girls suffer from being the most undeveloped but i like some of their schticks more than others. Ima pissed me off so bad in route 0 and it is hard to let the trauma go next to the siscon jokes, even if he mellowed out after. Shouma is there. i forgot about Eva to even include her on here but shes on the bottom too, the only time something interesting is done with her is mystery and everything else makes me want to bash my head on concrete.

[ DISCUSSING BIG MAIN PLOT SPOILER TIME NOW ]

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By the end of the game i also saw the whole We Are All Test Tube Babies thing kind of coming, its basic Kodaka writing m.o atp for the rugpull of the game to be your lives are fake !! but isnt that what makes them real !! <3333 in some way so i was just like well yes of course. everyone being clones of Shion despite looking nothing like him between them is kind of stupid and hilarious and unexplained for zero reason but this game kind of loves its asspull explanations for everything. also kind of demolishes some of these characters characterization in a way that is never properly explored and that kind of makes me lose it. 2nd scenario felt almost like it was rushing there at the end to smooth it over but its kind of fine i liked everyone found family nakama powering each other to the end.

I think ending on ending 1 left me with a strong impression of the plot, and if you go in for that being the canon explanation for why the 'timeloop' ends (everyones cryptoglobin finally dissapearing) as opposed to what s.f gives you it can feel like a good bow on everything. Part of me though also thinks everyone should be forced to do second scenario first before being thrown across the rest of the chart just bc it explains so much it drives me mad lol.

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[ NO LONGER DISCUSSING BIG MAIN PLOT SPOILER TIME NOW ]

Ranking of each route -> by how much i enjoyed them... will list out my detailed thoughts underneath this.

⭐⭐⭐❤ - CREAM OF THE CROP

Killing Game

Multiple Eitos

Goodbye Eito

⭐⭐⭐ - Recommended, I'd tell people to play these ones

2nd Scenario

Coming of Age

Rebellion

Mystery & S.F

Casual

Cult of Takumi

⭐⭐- The Mid-off

Box of Calamity

Reset

Slasher

Vex'hness

Comedy

Romance

Retsnom

⭐ - You need to Cut This.

Conspiracy

Eva

Serial Battles

Box of Blessings

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⭐⭐⭐❤ - CREAM OF THE CROP

Killing Game - You Know Her, You Love Her... It's Killing Game.... kind of funny to me that a route with this name is one of the top loved ones. Yugamu gets his best character development in this route and it's wonderful to see, as well as him and Takumi's relationship getting fleshed out from various angles (#YAOILIFE) i needed Takumi to lean into it 10% more though, hug your new boyfriend, tch... This on top of multiple yuri blowouts however is enough to place it high up. Even Eito gets some fun and interesting relevance in this one, yay !

I really did not like how they handled any of the Eva and Nozomi segments however 😭😂 and the middle of this route really really really drags, but ultimately the cuteness of the polycule makes it hard to hate it...This route is a really good example of me not minding the asspull explanations so much in this game due to the fun character stuff it ends up leading to. The characters who dont immediately die/are already dead at the start also end up having fun developments, such as Takemaru's 'im not the stepdad im the dad who stepped up' situation that happens with the twins (even if him hating Takumi in this route was psychologically draining on my soul). I also found Takumi going 'well Nozomi is like a sister to me' in this route to walk away from a romantic interest very very funny but its also like way preferable a relationship between them for me.

They also pussy out and never give you a proper Yugamu kiss cg however which is slightly unforgivable. Takumi holding Tsubasa and Yugamu's hands in that one bad end is so good however. As you can see even with the flaws, it's hard to not love.... i think fondly on this route for what it does manage to pull off successfully, and the 'happy' ending feels earned. Image i made when jude was playing this route in my dms.

Multiple Eito's - Every branch on this route is interesting and a great exploration of Takumi and Eito's relationship with one another. It's also a really great example of the multiple branches actually all leading to something significantly different, yet tied to the same idea! good stuff! So much of Eito's character is basically being a guy searching for love and intimacy from anyone but not knowing how or what to do to get it so he becomes obsessed with basically any semblance of a relationship he can have with anyone at all. Which leads to him chasing after whatever he can get from Takumi, this remains consistent across multiple routes in the game but its basically the whole conceit of this one.

In the ending where Takumi does his 500 suicide gambit i actually started to feel bad for Eito with how vindictive he got lmfao... he's literally nice... relax... If anything i wish the ending where he ends up as a voice in Takumi's head forever was explored further bc i think that's the one that had legs to go on for the 100 days if they really went for it, such a comedic scenario.

Goodbye Eito - I dont have much to say about this one because its done very very well and its short and simple on top of that, another great exploration of Eito as a character trying to let go of his hatred. Takumi needs to be shot by firing squad for ever picking this choice though THE BOY CRIED YOU A SWEATER OF TEARS AND YOU KILLED HIM? but its also kind of funny how this is just another example of eito's intensity backfiring on him even when hes well intentioned. STILL, HE LITERALLY RIPPED HIS EYES OUT AND YOU KILLED HIM?

⭐⭐⭐ - Recommended, I'd tell people to play these ones

2nd Scenario - This is basically a must play for anyone playing this game lmfao. The whole route had The Most New Shit I'd say, seeing a Gaku transformation actually had me go whoaaghhh for a second lol. This is what i mean by them clearly having to play with the same toybox for every other route bc when you come here and actually see New Cutscenes and New Shit its like mind blowing. Also the Yugamu bit with him doing surgery on himself and then after giving in quickly to Takumi when he offers him a kind sentiment to work together... sorry for being #sumikage pilled but literally fagging out for him in every timeline, love is so beautiful.

2nd Scen ending also Notable for Making My Friend Pk Cry while we watched it. This route is also what finally cemented Nozomi as a character to me because up until this point sorry to say she was boring snore boots to me. Nothing bad per say but very bland. Seeing the little development she gets to go through here and also finally knowing wtf is going on with her finally made me able to connect to the character.

That whole last fight gave me such a [screaming] bad vibe i knew everyone was going to fking die. The dying monologues as well were all so 😭 Some of them were better than others (yugama and eito notably making me want to jump off a roof) but Hiruko's hinting at her looping was so so evil. Them needing to get one last incest joke in with Ima however is like okay thank you kodaka. death by firing squad again.

I still dont really gaf about Takumi and Nozomis relationship LOL but him giving her his hand and it being 'everyone's' hand was a very sweet sentiment and i liked the imagery at the end of it. In the end she was the only 'real' person but they all changed and impacted each other so much. Basically the theme of the story coming back full force there.

Coming of Age - Obviously nothing here is going to be as strong as 2nd Scen but the setup of coming of age and what they do to Eito in it is so fucking crazy. Everyone loves the lobotomy machine...!

I dont really care for the Takumi and Nozomi relationship but everything else that's going on just feels so insane with Eito Doing What He's Doing at the same time. It's like kind of mesmerizing. Also has his best ugly putrid vile disgusting monologue in it. Just alot of great moments peppered throughout. Both of the endings are really great too, some of the best takuei at its worst to do it in this game. This route is also somehow a great exhibition of how cruel takumi can be like almost thoughtlessly while this slice of life bs happens at the same time. A route of contrasts honestly. Love and Peace...!

Rebellion - Who doesn't love turning against humanity...! I liked how committed To One Another the team is in 2nd scen but here its fun to see them completely turn on the satellite in addition to that. Unsurprisingly Eito is happy as a clam but i kept noticing Yugamu drop hints before about how he'd be willing to burn every bridge left immediately, its interesting to read into that.

The little bit at the start also where they haven't decided to join with the futurans yet and Yugamu's like maybe we can all hide out 12 of us like a little secret society underground and Moko's like fuck yesss ill be the bouncer was very cute to me lmao.

I think the ending where they Start Diplomacy with Kamhyun is the only one where we actually get a timeskip cg in this game, undoubtedly a fun place to play if you wanted to do future au's. plus white uniforms are fun, i do find it hilarious how Takumi has not aged a fucking day in 15 years though (and also talking about Nozomi like she died yesterday which is very funny).

Mystery & S.F - I'm grouping them together to basically be like 'all the timeline jumping bullshit here'. S.F was very hyped to me because it was the first route i stumbled on and then got locked out of. It immediately informed me that in this game there are other time travelers, there's a time travel machine, and if you see mfkers walking around in these suits in other routes they are time travelers. It allowed the mystique of it to build for me basically the whole game which is also why despite liking it, it kind of let me down lol.

I loved the Hiruko characterization and exploration, and it made me come around on her and Takumi as a pair (somehow...!) but i was expecting the actual time travel stuff to go way crazier than it actually did. Once again a route that felt constrained to the skeleton of the game and couldn't break out of it at all even in the route that would have been the most thematically appropriate to break out of, hard to not be disappointing.

Most of it was just retreading scenes you already saw but From The Other Side...whoa.... which gets very boring after a while especially when they're not revealing much you couldn't have guessed from the other side already lol. I do need to shout out the moment when Takumi got memories of killing game and then nearly jumped at Hiruko like oh my god my beautiful polycule... we have to fucking save them...!! true priorities thank you king. The endings for this route at the very least were very strong and i liked alot of them. The one where they bring together two different timelines where half the cast was slaughtered was very... sentimentally poignant in a way that im still thinking about it, sweet and sad.

Also before i forget to say Eito getting double lobotomised in this route and then it never being touched again is the funniest shit in the world i cant tell if it was purposeful commentary on Takumi's cruelty when it suits him worldview once again or if Uchikoshi could not be fucked to figure out a way to write him in otherwise, both hilarious.

Casual - A fun route if you enjoy reading into small things and metaphors. I enjoyed this route for how it explored Takumi's thoughts and ideas on escapism, how tired the looping must be getting for him without him even knowing it. The way it started with the Gaku scene also set a great ominous vibe.

The cage scene was the most obvious about it but i like how it allows you to think about it yourself what the various interludes could be representing in his head, and Eito being the one to remind Takumi of certain things. If i wanted to be really funny the poker one was about Takumi mentally matchmaking Yugamu and Takemaru for some reason. The endings weren't too crazy but the route is more about the content getting there anyway so that's fine.

Cult of Takumi - This is like a route you tell people to play purely for the deranged endings. I really didn't think they'd go there but congrats on nitro chiral bad end gay sex cg they got the fujoshi on staff to spread their wings and draw. Honestly this route is another one that suffers from well if they were going to do this they should have been more crazy and creative with it because the whole doling out everyone's rewards things gets pretty monotonous by the end of it and i dont think Takumi's own thoughts are expounded on enough to make it truly truly interesting until the end and its basically just a harem route lmao. Omega Pheremones Pill. This route is also great proof of my theory that in any route Takumi is in where Takemaru either hates him or is dead is one where he suffers like x2 the psychological damage. HIS EMOTIONAL ROCK.

⭐⭐- The Mid-off

Box of Calamity - Honestly dont care alot much for this one but the concept of Takumi's guilt haunting him so badly is explored in interesting ways in some of the branches (strangling himself... brother...!) The one where he has a psychotic break and sees the world as nightmarish forever afterwards stuck with me after for a while (wearing a shirt that says in big block font "I LOVE SILENT HILL 4 THE ROOM <3")

Reset - It is what is it is, a weird mix of bleak and optimistic ending for those who dont want to eat 2nd scen lmao. i cant stop making we have to repopulate the hive jokes though.

Slasher - Honestly the zombie shit was so dumb because of everyone consistently acting really dumb, but everyone also looked really really cute in their zombie sprites. I also appreciated Final Girl Kurara but theres really not alot else here to chew on. On the other side Gie Killer Takumi was fun but i just like guys fighting for control of their bodies in stories LOL. Everyone says Yugamu is fucking stupid in this route and that is very true but i also like to examine his character in this route by going wow even now hes trying to hold back and be nice.... he is a perfect angel.... something is wrong with me though. I think him being spurned to become this by seeing One Dead Body is really really fucking funny in a stupid way however. It all becomes sumikage however if you think about it since Takumi was the killer-[trap door opens underneath me]

Ve'xhness - Initially really interesting premise with how much the status quo changes and its one of the only routes to actually flesh out the commanders some, but my god the endings were so generically lame my eyes kind of rolled out of my head by the end. You can tell they really only wrote it to give you mommy dommy Ve'xhness and then it somehow became romeo and juliet lmao. Tsubasa at least gets some interesting development and once again proves shes one of the only characters in this game to consistently kill someone when she has to, locked the fuck in.......!

Comedy - I hate to say it but most of the jokes in the route labelled Comedy were not really That Funny. This is a problem for reasons i should not have to explain to you. It did give us IN THE SAME TINY CAR?! audio however so i must give her my flowers at least.

Romance - Skippable but at least some of its cute enough to read if you really like the charas. I at least liked the Tsubasa section LOL

Retsnom - Gives some fun insight into Darumi's character so id recommend it to people wanting more of her, and the endings at the end where you chose whether or not join with her were poignant in a way. But this route also suffers alot from being chained to 100 day formula and quickly becomes a little boring and monotonous. They finally got to take the Eito saya no uta joke to its conclusion though which is funny. Also another asspull explanation for something suddenly existing on this planet lmfao.

⭐ - You need to Cut This.

Conspiracy - This whole route was just kodaka making me play an escape room with 15 fucking different bad end trap doors in it. why.

Eva - The route that finally cemented for me that Eva's purpose in this game was to literally just be wife fetish goon bait and kodaka must be killed today. screamed at the pregnancy cg btw.

Serial Battles - the clearest most shining example of them being able to do something more interesting with the battles and just not doing that lmao. a real waste of time. the only fun i had was the new yugamu dialogue bc he started losing it a bit rofl

Box of Blessings - another waste of time. even when you do get a single character moment with gaku it is then never touched again rofl. the only thing this route gave me was evil ubereats delivery driver eito cg

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To end this post i am now going to put my yugamu cg compilation image here please enjoy it 50% of the enjoyment of the thought of me completing this game was that i could now make this.

[jujubabesblog]

🩰🌸My first manifestation success story🌸🩰

I really want to thank @pinkchrissysposts , I took her advice of affirming and her tips for affirming is really amazing too it's been about a week we last texted I send her ask but she left😔.

Also her tip for affirming is pretty amazing I'm gonna copy paste what she recommended me.

"OK here when we get random negative thought we start believing in which cause us to get in the negative state,we are not looking for the proof in the 3D,it's just a random thought we unconsciously start to dwell on by re affirming it,you might notice that when we are ina negative state,we also get positive thought like "no it's not true I'm just overthinking" but again you start negatively thinking despite the fact that everything is OK because you choose to believe in that random thought that's trying to scare you.

So when you are affirming for your desire example 'good skin' even if the 3d is showing you something else ignore it and rather embrace the positive thought/affirmation,believe in the affirmation. When we focus on believing the affirmation rather then looking proof you will realize what wish fulfilled really mean,you can try out a small or even big desire but remember manifestation should be fun,take it as a fun challenge and affirm for whatever you want and remember what I said not for 3d but to just believe it as a fact."

I'm so thankful for her advice,she recommended me to take a break and calmly decide what I truly want,and I finally decided to affirm just as she recommended and I notice so much changes after a day of robotically affirming.

Basically what happens is when you are more focus on trying to believe the affirmation rather then making it 3D,the 3d does start to feel useless or powerless,even when I was sweating,I wasn't worried about it,the affirmation "I never sweat" start to feel more powerful then the 3D. I just affirmed it for fun robotically not to see it in 3D but to believe in it AS A FACT and that lead me in the state of wish fulfilled.

From my very own experience what I think happens is that when we affirm and put our whole attention on just believing the affirmation instead of paying attention to the 3D and looking for results,we detach from our desires or you can say outcome all we want is indeed just the feeling of having the desires. When I did what she suggested I stopped getting doubt because all I had to do was believe that I have my desires,even if I don't have it in the 3D,my subconscious got fooled because it doesn't have any eyes and I got my desire in 4 days I haven't sweat in a week and everyone keep asking what perfume i use:).

As someone who have aphantasia this was such a 360° for me,when I was in was practicing states it was really hard when bloggers would tell me even with aphantasia people can manifest,I would get frustrated and cuss at their text,and my faith and trust on loa was starting to fade but i decided to give affirmation a chance and i read many a +p posts but no one ever recommended and motivated me to affirm like how chrissy did. I'm gonna be starting my void/shifting journey since I now know exactly what to do.

I will be post my void progress on my main account @jujubaaevoid

Xoxo <3

[signanothername]

it might be an awkward question but-

HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO DRAW SO MUCH?? how do you get so many beautiful ideas? how do you keep yourself motivated? tell me your secret I will sell you my soul

🩵 🫴 take it.

Why thank you 🫳🩵

Ah the question ever

Truthful and simple answer is that there’s no secret

This might seem contradictory considering how much I post, but I genuinely am not as motivated or as inspired as I seem to be

I struggle a lot with ideas and motivation and that is a problem I have on a daily basis that’s been happening for years (I have SO many wips that I never shared)

It’s not about the struggle, it’s about how I curated my art to that struggle

I’m at a constant threat to experience burnout (certified chronic pain and chronic fatigue haver), so to combat that, I take measures to make sure I don’t burn myself out and actually reserve the very little energy I have to continue doing artworks/comics

To give you a specific example, if you notice with my comics, they’re always sketchy and are never colored, that’s not because I don’t want to make colored comics, but because of knowledge from previous experiences that if I actually forced myself to make colored comics, I’d immediately plunge to burnout and would probably not be able to draw for a few weeks after because of it (in fact the last time I made a colored comic was here, which is a rare occasion even then btw, and that comic caused me to experience a near burnout)

Which was extremely frustrating to me at some point might I add, because before 2021, I had no problem making so many colored comics and artworks at a short span of time, I actually had motivation before (something that is lost to me now), so you can imagine how genuinely frustrating it is, it even made me feel like I’m not a “real” artist

(The concept of what is considered a “real artist” is bullshit btw, someone who draws stickmen everyday is as much of a real artist as someone who makes diverse fully colored artworks with backgrounds and everything, as long as you use your creativity and turn it to something meaningful, you’re already a real artist, regardless of skill or the extent of which you are able to conceive with your art)

That being said, it’s all about finding your own footing and workflow, what works best for you? What doesn’t?

Some things that you’d love for them to work (in my case making colored comics) might not work in reality, life is disappointing like that, so it’s also about acceptance

Acceptance of yourself as you are, maybe it’s not what you truly strive for, maybe you wish you could do more, but sometimes taking a step back and looking into yourself to see if you can actually achieve what you want with the resources you have could be life saving

So when it comes to motivation? Find your workflow, what are the things that you know could make you lose your motivation? On the other hand, what are the things that preserve your motivation?

Not only that, but time management is also a contributing factor

Of course, my own way to preserve my motivation/energy is as follows:

1- never force myself to finish artworks/comics if I feel like I can’t (even if I really really want to), I save them up for later when my motivation for them kicks back in

2-let perfectionism go, if I keep fretting over whether every line in an artwork looks good I’ll never accomplish anything but destroy my mental health (certified perfectionist speaking btw)

3-comics stay as sketches, as much as I want to make beautifully colored comics, I know this will only contribute to my burnout, so keeping it real with myself and what I can accomplish with my own resources (energy, time, health, etc) is important

4-making multiple sketches in a day then choosing what fancies my brain that day, or getting back to older sketches I already made before (sometimes months before) to see if my brain has the itch to work on any of them, by doing that, then I’m giving myself actual diversity in choices to choose from, which helps me feel like I don’t have to be forced to work on anything new, or something that I don’t wanna work on

For clarification, I’m talking actual sketches, not cleaned up ones, if you make clean sketches you won’t be able to make multiple ones in the same day

Here’s an example of what I mean by sketches

5-stop beating myself up over things I can’t control, if I keep being harsh on myself over the fact I couldn’t finish an artwork or the fact I’m not satisfied with it, it’ll only contribute to make me feel bad about myself and that would only contribute to me losing even more motivation which contributes to beating myself up and so the self torture cycle goes on, myself deserves to be pat on the back gently and be told “it’s ok, you’ll get there in time”

6-teach myself that it’s ok to lose motivation, there are times in which I do not open my art app for weeks, instead of hating myself for it, I tell myself “you need time, you’re tired and you need the break”, and it’s true, if you lost motivation, it’s most likely due to something else contributing to it

So i just ask myself what’s up, sometimes, I’m overworked in other life aspects, other times I’m in too much pain, so instead of forcing myself through my demotivation, I take care of these factors demotivating me so I’d feel comfortable enough to be able to work on artworks again

If I couldn’t identify a factor contributing to my loss of motivation, then I take it as my own brain telling me that it needs the break, it needs the dopamine if doing something different and I do that, whether by watching my favorite shows, playing my favorite games, trying a different hobby like writing or reading, etc

7- work on my own time, sometimes I do finish artworks quickly, and I do have the capacity to do so, but I’ve noticed that my loss of motivation became less of an issue when I gave myself the actual time to work on artworks, sometimes, a simple artwork that I could finish in 20 minutes takes me weeks to finish, not because I can’t finish it earlier, but because I intentionally worked slowly on it as I’m working on other artworks just as slow, that way, I don’t overwhelm myself and I’m making progress on multiple artworks/comics at the same time, and seeing such progress gives me even more motivation

Cough, anyway, got lost in talking about motivation ghcchch

As for your other question about how I get my ideas, it’s usually something I saw that inspired me, whether an artwork, something irl, etc

Or even sometimes, my own artworks inspire ideas for comics, so I’d draw something, then ask myself (asking yourself questions is such a great helper when it comes to coming up with ideas) why is the character doing this? How did they get there? Etc

That helps me come up with answers which are then answered via comics or multiple different artworks

For example, this comic, what inspired it was me asking myself one simple question, “what would happen if Murder actually asked Nightmare for a visit home for once, instead of running away like he always does?”, and that immediately got me to work on the comic

Of course, it doesn’t mean I always am on the ready for an idea, in fact, a lot of the time my mind is blank, nothing up there to help me, which is why I turn to mindlessly sketching sometimes

I just open a canvas and start sketching, what? I don’t know, I’m just gonna sketch something, could be a character, environment, scribbles, meaningless lines etc, it’s my iwn version of a warm up, and it helps a lot with making my brain get into the zone

That’s all I can think of off the top of my head

Enjoy a look into my brain chhcchch

[thesaintofaquarius]

See, the thing about Camus is that, he's not a Pretending to be Emotionless Hypocritical Thing that doesn't want people to feel anything ever and not be connected to those around them. There are actually a handful of canon examples that he finds merit in camaraderie and emotions that fuel people's will to fight and dedicate themselves to humanity and Athena.

He is, however, a firm believer of never letting his emotions get in the way of the decision he makes as a Saint. For him, letting your emotions dictate what you do and act, to the point of causing more conflict and strife is Bad. And he's real for that because he also doesn't really extend this mindset to anyone but his fellow saints, and even then, it's only when they're truly lashing Out. There are reasons he believes this — he is an Aquarius saint after all and they're SUPPOSED to be calm, cool and rational — and there are good reasons he's VERY strict about it with Hyoga.

The problem I keep seeing in this fandom is that his attitude as a Saint keeps getting translated as = you should never hold attachments with people or things and if you do you're Wrong, and that's just, not the case, at all? He just doesn't condone those attachments standing in the way of how you should act like a Saint, which includes people's pasts (because Saints are supposed to be warriors who protect the present and ensure the survival of the future for the next generation). You cannot let your emotions and attachments take your sight away from the bigger picture — ensuring that humanity survives.

Like, of course he cares about Hyoga. That's Practically His Son, but does he let that stop being from doing what he thinks is right? No. And yeah, you can argue that he was wrong to do so, but not on the fucking principle of what he believes in, because he WAS following what he preached! It just wasn't the correct decision in hindsight because there was no way for him (at that moment) to know that Hyoga would actually be able to awaken the 7th sense during the Sanctuary arc and survive a brutal death during then. There are also multiple examples of Camus being able to abandon, betray and go through extreme painful lengths to do what he thinks is right (and I will say it's BECAUSE he loves the world and Athena and his friends [1 Surt, I guess] that he does this), that's him acting and being true to what he preaches! And his whole "Hyoga you will remain here forever untouched in the freezing coffin" + the implication that he'll visit and he's crying in that moment it's so.... I don't know how to tell you this, but that's Literally His Son that he thought he killed, it's actually quite normal to tear up and cry and promise to visit someone's literal grave if they're that close to you.

There's a key difference between Hyoga's and Camus's situation here, though. Camus has proven time and time again that he will not let his past attachments stop him from what he believes a true Aquarius Saint needs to act like and he's not endangering anyone by the act of repeated obsession (he's not capable of that obsession anyway) and visits, and his convictions hold true when he's forced to betray Athena. Which ultimately contributed to all of the Hades saga happening the way it did.

Tldr: he is not a cold heartless bastard who thinks human connection is a farce while also having emotions and connections himself. Camus is actually a Big friendship is magic (and being a saint of Athena in a very emotional and dedicated way) believer if you look at him properly, but of course, media literacy where when the blorbo they like better is pitted against you, I guess.

[theresnottimeinhopi]

I thought to myself; "what if there's ever a character who parallels Ren in many aspects and who did everything in their best to help him after finding him one day again, after 'mysterious' months of being missing, with the necessities and afterwards with fateful bittersweet departure, they thought they helped him to return to normalcy in the end, without ever knowing how deep down psychologically fucked Ren truly was because he never really showed his actual self around them and did not tell them what truly happened to him throughout those months."

And also,

"what if, the said character, is also someone who isn't meek, someone who went through horrors just as well but managed differently and can and is an actual physical threat who can fight back." (realistically, I don't think a fox can withstand the sheer compact muscular and downright menace force that is an oversized jungle cat whose natural instinct is aiming straight at the back of your cranium, maybe the prefrontal cortex if feeling extra).

Genuinely, jaguars are horrifying, they have the most powerful bite force out of the rest of the big cats which can break the bones and armour of a crocodile and they bite directly through the skull of a mammalian prey between the ears to deliver a fatal blow to the brain, unlike most cats reaching for the neck. Cherry on top, superb stealth hunters, they may look steroid-ridden ridden but they're as silent as the crickets.

So of course, I had to create Renée Sereno Novo, my beautiful babe (Zach Hadel's voice), my librarian lady turned to academic librarian in a prestigious university that Derek used to enrol in (let's be real, Derek definitely did not last here long, a nepo baby after all, my original headcanon, do not steal plz) because not only do I want to make a character that is blunt and takes no bullshit yet with the perfect balance of exemplifying "my God, where were you when I was at my worst with those impeccable communication skills and emotional intelligence, babe", trust, being able to communicate your feelings is sexy, but also someone who can kick Ren's buttocks (both BTD2 + TPOF), because there times when I feel that twink needs to be humbled (affectionately). But more heavily towards Fox, I need that politician-looking clown to wear a dunce hat and have tomatoes thrown at him (affectionately).

For those who know Goodnight/Oyasumi Punpun (and I vividly imagine Ren's life after Strade's death to be the same functions that of adult Punpun, as to how he manages to become a wealthy man afterwards years later is a mystery to me, if not us, but I see suggestions of him possibly being a landlord because of constantly moving in and out and I believe it quite frankly), she is essentially a bit similar to Sachi Nanjou, and the Sachi to Ren's Punpun, especially regarding one trying to help the other get back on his feet and the troubles that transpire from it (because of course Ren, low self-esteem yet also wanting to gain control over his own life and rejecting pity).

Hm, I need to reread that manga after years, not the best option during those lockdown years but goodness gracious was I enthralled in the writing and psychology.

Now, I wonder if I can finished that WIP...

On a little note, I feel like that Beastkins, lore-wise, are so heavily underutilized and there are so many ideas and potentials you can get around them, I plan to give out my headcanons because I am afraid it will make the blog long enough as it is.

Another note is that, in my humble opinion, when making a Beastkin oc, design-wise, GO WILD, GO CRAZY, take advantage of that creative juice and try to add some traits that the animals they're based on have, because my God, it is so thrilling and really makes a proper distinction between them and humans besides the typical ears, tails and claws. For example, Renée's nose is purposefully reminiscent that of big cats as seen by her wide nose and even in the eye shape instead of the atypical upturned eyes, since big cats actually have round eyes, it's just their eyes are hooded and they have that natural kohl eyeliner that makes it seem snatched as well as their long and sharp inner eye corners, it makes a *mwah* significant effect and emphasises the feline traits, perfect example are the Navi's, obsessed with their facial anatomy.

But that is all I have, time to ponder if I will ever fully write her backstory down on paper or if I will mentally write and leave it stored in my wrinkly brain as always.

[all-pacas]

Which personality traits that chase had in s1 that changed by the end of the show?

That's a strangely difficult question! Because I think there's a couple things going on: Chase gets character development, but he also gets re-written.

We know behind the scenes that Chase, the character concept of Chase, was completely rewritten with JS's casting in the role: his age, nationality, large parts of his backstory, and most likely his religion were adapted with casting. This of course happened before the show started, but I think we've all noticed how Chase is... kind of less developed and less sketched out in the first part of S1, right? Some of that might be that he simply was the least important main cast member (Cuddy doesn't get focus either); some of it might be the writers and actor trying to figure out who Chase is. In the Official Guidebook TM, Spencer mentions that he was the one who decided to play Chase as an asskisser who liked House -- there was nothing in the script, and when he was not given direction on what Chase was up to in scenes (this happens surprisingly often in S1, Chase just exists while the others talk), he chose to play him as unbothered by House in contrast to Foreman and Cameron. Think of all the times Chase rolls his eyes at Foreman's objections, or how in Detox Chase is largely unbothered by House's withdrawals: those are acting choices and not scripted character beats.

By Season 2, however, the writing has caught up to this portrayal: Chase starts to be called an asskisser, House references the idea of Chase "loving" working for him. Is this a character evolution? An example of character development? It's hard to say, right? You can make a similar case with Cameron and Chase's eventual romance: the actors began dating before S1 began, and often in scenes will sit next to one another or give one another little looks. They have chemistry! They were written to be friends, but how much of the decision to involve them romantically was based on acting choices or inadvertent "they keep touching elbows in scenes?"

Then there's the "Chase got rewritten" aspect that happens later on. Chase in S7-8 is a very, very different character than Chase in S1-3; even his S4-6 era is fairly different, although I think it has more in common with the first seasons than the last. But there is truly nothing much in Chase's early characterization that suggests he's a huge partier, a vain slut, or even has commitment issues (quite the opposite with Cameron). Is this character development? Did the divorce change him that badly?

Which is a long prelude to your actual question. How is Chase different? What are Chase's core personality traits?

Chase has always been surprisingly standoffish. He's good at putting up a superficial front of charm, but he's not that interested in making friends: Foreman complains, and we see, that he's fairly disinterested in his patients if nice to their faces; we also see he's pretty dismissive of Foreman, and goes about a year before ever talking to the New Team. Chase's Boundaries Era with House seems abrupt, but actually fits right in with this: once Chase is no longer on the team, we are seeing him from the outside, from Thirteen and Taub and Kutner's perspective, right? We see in S4-5 he's still perfectly friendly to House and Cameron as an example; he hasn't changed, he's still surprisingly aloof, he has never really bothered to go out of his way to make friends outside of his "circle." I don't think this changes: he struggles to really connect with women in S7-8, and we see he is also slow to warm to Park and Masters.

He has always been at the very least a flirt. He shoots his shot and flirts with Cameron in S1; he later flirts with a random resident. We see in S2 he flirts with a woman at the Oncology Benefit; House has a passing joke about how Cameron will find "someone" and Chase will find "eight someones." Him liking girls is not new, lol. The extreme sleeping around is new, and actually something the show examines, with House calling it out as an unhealthy coping mechanism and Chase admitting he "hates himself" for it. But it also appears to be genuine (if negative) character growth: he was always a little bit like this and began to do it more. We don't particularly hear about him partying or drinking in early seasons, although it could be happening. The specific commitment issues are new and often commented on. Chase had absolutely no problem committing to Cameron, and both wanted and was very happy in a serious relationship with her. It's only after she was gone that he starts being called out as "rushing into relationships" and "settling for the wrong people" and "being surprised or divorced when it doesn't work out." This doesn't quiiiiite work in my opinion: he and Cameron really didn't rush their relationship at all (2 months of a situationship before making it official; 2 years of a progressively more serious relationship before getting married), but it does match how he acts with one-night stands and Moira. He does certainly have a strong push-pull between clearly wanting love and intimacy and being afraid of opening up and being hurt post-divorce, at least.

He's always had a not-very-well-hidden core of kindness, of "big brotherly-ness." Chase has always been a soft touch with children, but we see too he's very quick to comfort Cameron and later Thirteen, to admire optimism and faith in others, to offer sincere advice and reach out to people in pain. This doesn't go away as time passes, even with his standoffishness (look how quickly he and Thirteen become besties once he does finally interact with her), although he seems to resist the impulse better: Park has to wear him down a little, you know?

Chase is lowkey kind of morose in later seasons. S1-3, he certainly has his issues, but he's fairly cheerful: he usually jokes around, he's not overly invested, he doesn't take things seriously. He becomes visibly more bitter and 'worn down' by S8: he is a less happy person. He is more serious, and is much more outwardly bitter: where before he masked his standoffishness with charm, now he doesn't at all. He comes across as a bit more reflective, too. Early seasons Chase would deny and deflect when anything personal came up; S8 Chase isn't exactly processing things, and we see him doing the same deflect and deny dance after being stabbed -- but he seems more aware of his issues and damage and general unhappiness. Of course, early seasons Chase was also not all that unhappy.

His new vanity is a straight retcon. S5 Chase was pointedly and hilariously uncomfortable in front of the cameras in Ugly, and in S6 there's an entire episode (Private Lives) of him being surprised and then genuinely hurt by the concept that his looks attract women. In S7, he's upset he's not being singled out for his looks and not chosen as a billboard model; in S8, he's again notably vain, getting manicures and doing commercials. You could say that it's some kind of character development, but... I do think it's a bit of a retcon/flandarization. The former shyness fits more with his standoffishness much better, you know? When has Chase ever cared what people think of him before?

Mostly, I think it's just that Chase is depressed now. We talk about how his divorce fucked him up, and it did -- less because of anything Cameron did in leaving him and more that Chase reached the "peak" of his character development and had everything he wanted only to lose it -- but Dibala fucked him up, too. He says it himself: he had to recontextualize his entire view of himself as a person, who he is and what kind of person he is. I'm not sure if Chase ever reached any conclusions about this, actually. His turn towards apathy/cynicism and his belief Cameron would never forgive him seem to imply the ones he reached weren't great.

Lastly, he really becomes a much more confident and involved doctor. Chase in S1 really didn't care all that much. He was always competent, but he was uninterested, right? He didn't get that involved, he took naps, he according to House never even wanted to be a doctor, he preferred to go with the flow rather than come up with or fight for his own ideas. He comes off as someone who doesn't care about his job. S8 Chase, or even S5 Chase, clearly does. He's advocating for himself, he's acting on his own initiative, he will push back and do what he thinks is necessary to treat his patients. You could say "he's become more like House," but I don't think it's quite that: Chase isn't that reckless and lacks House and Foreman's "obviously I'm right and the world will bear this out" arrogance. (Not that he's opposed to a spot of malpractice, of course.) It's more that Chase is less concerned with approval and more driven in general. He cares more. He'll lock himself in a basement and brute force a cure rather than do what his boss tells him; he'll stay overnight with a patient or run heart tests instead of checking in with House. He's invested. He's confident. He's a much better doctor.

[youruinedmylifebynotbeingreal]

Something about Soren not being able to initially believe that Terry is complimenting him breaks me.

We don’t see him get compliments too often in the show. Especially in Arc 1, he’s belittled by Viren more often than not. Yes, he acts cocky and confident. He knows he’s super strong and great at most tasks associated with being a Crownguard (whether he thinks he’s actually a good Crownguard is a whole other mini essay, but I digress). But that’s all more like a task, something easily measured objectively. And it’s something totally different to be told that you’re good at those things by the people around you, or to be complimented on other things about yourself.

The biggest instances I can think of include:

Corvus calling Soren the mastermind of the plan to get Ezran out of Katolis. Soren immediately makes a joke out of it.

Ezran: you’re the best Crownguard a king could ask for. *hugs him* Soren: *cue shocked silence, followed by literally running away from the situation*

Everybody laughing at his comedy routine (not exactly a direct compliment, but similar in nature in my opinion). He actually accepts this pretty well, but it’s also something he’s been rehearsing and is proud of and is expecting a good reaction to. He even says thank you to the crowd.

“Well, if your sword is as sharp as your wit, then the young king is in good hands.” “Wow, but, thank you. Uh, dragons are SO nice.” He gets super sheepish about this and then in turn compliments dragons. One of the few times he’s okay at accepting a compliment, yet he still turns it around to make it about others.

“Soren, you’re amazing!” “Smort Longpocket is amazing.” Deflecting. Enough said.

“A good man with a big heart.” He gets so overwhelmed he can’t even verbally respond and just has to hug Corvus.

And now. The big/most complicated/messiest one. Viren in season 6. “Oh, you’ve grown so much. You’re so strong, so true to your heart. Your good heart. Somehow… you found the right path, in spite of everything I’ve done. I’m so proud of you.” “What are you trying to do?… Stop it! Just - just stop it! I know who you are. You’re dangerous. Everything you’re telling me is… is some kind of lie! And I’m not going to let you manipulate me again!” “It isn’t a lie, son, please.” There is so much to unpack here, but I want to focus on two big things: Viren compliments both his heart (aka Corvus’s compliment) and his strength (aka Terry’s future compliment). Soren’s gut instinct is to believe that Viren is lying. No deflecting, no avoiding the compliment. Straight up accusing him of more manipulation. Which is completely fair, when that’s all he’s ever known from Viren. So what does that mean for Corvus’s compliment, when it so closely echoes something Viren says? Was he lying, too? But it’s Corvus. He would never. So, of course, this would lead to some Big Feelings Time. (We Were Born the in the Valley/ Of the Dead and the Wicked on AO3 delves into this topic a bit and I think about it SO often. Of course, season 7 adds even more to the idea.)

*If there are other examples please remind me! I’d love to work them into my thoughts.*

Anyway, back to my point. He doesn’t seem to accept compliments very well and doesn’t know how to react to them a lot of the time. From resorting to physical affection, making a joke, or deflecting the compliment, Soren just does not seem to know how to handle people being nice to him. Because, ya know, childhood trauma and a father that was emotionally abusive. He’s used to lies and manipulation and any “compliments” having an ulterior motive.

So here comes Terry. Someone who has also been a bad guy. Who is trying to reform. Soren sees a lot of himself in him (peep the whole speech about abandoning Claudia).

And… he’s nice? And kind? And doesn’t seem evil? But of course, Soren is apprehensive and expects the worst, unsure if people can truly change.

“No, I don’t trust him. Nobody is this charming and, and nice. Nuh-uh.”

This is both an insult and a compliment, yet Terry just takes it in stride, not even hesitating:

“Thanks! You seem great too. Very strong and very, uh, loyal.”

A compliment for Soren? Echoing something Viren said? Oh, that must mean it’s manipulation.

“Ah-ah, I know this trick. You’re just buttering me up.”

I’m pretty sure the last time “buttering something up” was mentioned in canon was likely season 2 (if I’m wrong please somebody correct me), when Soren and Claudia are attempting to get Callum and Ezran back to Katolis. And it includes Soren straight up lying to them. “I know this trick” because he recognizes it, he was raised with it, he has used it before.

Now, we never see Soren’s eyes shift. But in the background he’s sure to see Corvus looking at him encouragingly. Corvus, who somehow has so much hope even in the darkest of times and believes in the best of everyone. Who knows people can change for the better because he’s seen it happen. With Soren. (@stuck-in-jelly made a GREAT post about Corvus and his optimism the other day. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it and it inspired this bit of analysis.)

“But thank you. I kind of needed to hear that today.”

Soren relents. He accepts the compliment. He admits that he needs support, which we know is difficult for him. After he says thank you, the screen cuts to Corvus looking at Soren like he puts the stars in the sky every night.

I like to think that Corvus helped him talk through some of those thoughts and struggles he had after his conversations with Viren. We know they share a lot with each other.

Overall, throughout the series Soren has not been great at receiving compliments. But it seems like he’s got people around him trying to help him see how great he genuinely is. Hopefully in Arc 3 Soren gets ALL OF THE COMPLIMENTS and actually believes them, too.

[ariicandy]

“ YOUR A WHATT?? ”

About — You thought you had a good idea who your beloved Dan Heng truly is. A kindhearted, caring, and loving man, but not in the whole universe a vampire!!

A/N — Halloween fic!! I wrote this during the busiest time for me...anyways!! hopefully this makes up no fic for September.. FYI I used both Stelle & Caelus so pick which one u prefer as trailblazer!

Word Count — 617

You thought you understood your beloved Dan Heng since his reveal of his past and moving forward with it. Patient for him and still loving him for how he is not caring what he may had done in his past, you can see he is trying to move forward forgetting that old him. Dan Heng felt more in love with you because of how patient and caring you are with him. Sometimes he believes he doesn’t deserve you and your kindness to not get involve with both his internal conflict of his past and external conflict of still being seen as Dan Feng.

So when you were gonna kiss Dan Heng you notice something pointy sticking out when he gave a small wide smiled at you, and how almost pale he looks as well. You being curious as you never notice or even seen him have any sharp pointy teeth before when he reveals a wide smile to you. Or look pale at all today. “Dan Heng, did you ever have any sharp pointy teeth? You seem a little pale as well are you okay?” Dan Heng was shocked and startled from your surprise question. He didn’t think you would notice any changes to him physically so soon, he thought he would have a week to think how to tell you. “I don’t really have any sharp pointy teeth..I was planning on telling you but I don’t really know how and knowing you, you probably would freak out a little why.” You became confused and a little worried. Dan Heng’s words made you think what he means by “freak out a little” is it something bad!? Is he sick and hiding it from you?? Seeing by your face Dan Heng let out a small sigh and example.

“I was walking with March 7th and Stelle/Caelus when March spotted this shiny object. It turns out it was some potion of something we didn’t know at the time until Stelle/Caelus snatched the potion out of March 7th’s hands. They kept fighting and it spilled where I almost caught it in the air where it landed on top of me and spilled on top of me. Turns out the potion is making someone a vampire when touched or drank from the label on the back..” Dan Heng looked to the side to see some of his books on the shelf out of embarrassment. “W-wait what!?” “Don’t yell so loud [Name].” Dumbfounded by what you just heard, a potion that turned your boyfriend into a vampire that March, Stelle/Caelus and Dan Heng didn’t realize until it hit onto Dan Heng!? How in the world did it get to this?! “This is crazy! How in the world did this even happen! Do you only have the features of a vampire or fully feel like one? This is so confusing.” Dan Heng reassures you. “I only have the features like the fangs and strong smell, I’m not fully one and it said it would wear off after 2 days.” After explaining that all to you Dan Heng began to nuzzle his head into your shoulder and hold you close, wanting to explain more of how he became a vampire was also puzzling to him for being with 2 chaotic people who cause him to be a temporary vampire.

“Are your fangs actually sharp and pointy? Can I see them I only saw a tiny glimpse-” Suddenly you were startled by Dan heng gently biting into your skin to stop your questions on looking at his new vampire features. “You know you didn’t have to dig your teeth into me to drink my blood?” You said teasingly. Dan Heng only looked at you deadpan.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

I hc that chat lacks self-preservation instincts because Adrien uses Chat as a form of escapism and kinda disassociates from real life, thus making it not truly come across to him how dangerous he is actually being. What are your thoughts on this "theory"/idea/thoughts on why Chat almost kills himself constantly.

Warning! Doyalistic analysis incoming: I think you've put more thought into the topic than the writers have. We're six seasons in and I can't think of a single episode where Adrien's self sacrificing streak was treated as a problem. I don't think that canon even acknowledges that it's a reoccurring issue. Every time he's killed, mind controlled, or otherwise incapacitated is treated like the first time because this is a formula show and you're generally supposed to view every episode as a standalone story even if it often doesn't feel like one.

While I don't like that canon made that choice, I will defend it to a mild extent because I get why it keeps happening. Or, at least, I think I do. My best guess is that the writers aren't viewing the self-sacrificing thing as a serious character beat. They're just using a standard trope and Adrien just so happens to consistently be the easiest character to shove into the role that the trope requires.

The trope in question is usually called the "red shirt" trope and, to save myself some time, I'm just going to quote TV Tropes' to explain what it's all about:

[Red shirts] are the Good Counterpart of Evil Minions and Mooks — set filler for our heroes' side. Their purpose is almost exclusively to give the writers someone to kill who isn't a main character... [Red shirts] are used to show how the monster works, and demonstrate that it is indeed a deadly menace, without having to lose anyone important. Expect someone to say "He's Dead, Jim", lament this "valued crew member's senseless death", and then promptly forget him. Security personnel in general fall victim to the worst shade of this trope, as most of the time their deaths aren't even acknowledged at all; according to Hollywood, you could walk into a bank and shoot a security guard right in the face without anyone making a fuss.

All of the above is why canon consistently lets characters be disintegrated, captured, mind controlled, and so on. These moments are not meant to be serious character beats. They're just there so that the show can raise the stakes for the day's fight.

While the trope is usually reserved for random characters that don't matter, Miraculous tends to use established characters instead because there's a magical reset mechanic which makes negative status effects a temporary issue. It's less the writers calling Chat Noir useless and more them taking advantage of the fact that they can "red shirt" characters that the audience actually cares about. That's a much better way to raise the stakes than red shirting a random character that the audience has never met.

Zombizou is a perfect example of this. That episode sees the entire miracuclass sacrifice themselves, but the message is not that they all have self worth issues. The message is that they trust Ladybug which is the only message canon is trying to send on the occasions when self sacrifice is actively chosen by a character, thus dialogue like this dialogue from Lies:

Cat Noir: There are only two liars left in Paris and one of them knows the ultimate way to catch her attention. Ladybug: No way! Don't do it! What if I fail?! Cat Noir: You know what? I trust you.

Other episodes see the self-sacrifice happen by accident and those don't even get a line about trust. It's just there to raise the stakes.

Of course, that's the Doyalistic explanation. If you want to get Watsonian, then I think your take is a solid one! I just don't think that it's even remotely intentional which is why I would only go Watsonian if you're doing something like writing a fanfic. Don't expect canon to ever address this issue because canon doesn't see it as an issue. It's even one area where I don't judge canon too harshly because this is a really standard trope so I get why they keep using it. Every episode has a fight and you have to do something to keep them interesting! I don't know how you make 130+ fights feel serious without some red-shirt-style moments. That's why the trope exists! It's just the nature of the beast.

My only real criticism is that Miraculous keeps red shirting a character that a lot of the audience understandably views as having self worth issues. That's not a choice that I'd personally make. If Adrien is going to be your standard red shirt option, then don't make him read as depressed and struggling to find his place in the world. Or, at the very least, round robin the red shirt role between the various cast members so that Adrien doesn't stand out in the role! In my opinion, it's yet another case of the writers really not thinking beyond the most surface level implications of their writing choices.

Since you seemed interested, I'll note that my favorite way to address the self sacrificing issue is to have this behavior come from Adrien doing what needs to be done even though he has no desire to die or even just be hurt. After all, Ladybug does need to survive every fight. She's the one with the cure! He's right to protect her! The story doesn't end there, though. Instead of just accepting this, I use it as a way to bring Carapace onto the team because you don't want to just randomly expand the team. Establish a problem, then expand the team to solve it. Ladybug needs to survive every fight and Chat Noir keeps getting hurt? Bring in a human shield. Problem solved!

[thatfrailsoul]

– The journey of a soul

new year tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three

Sometimes we crave that something… We feel the need to create, to speak, to make our steps in a certain way. With more intention, more meaning, more magic in it. Something that can give to all of this, to every single little detail and moment in our routines, more significance. And by doing so, give our own selves more motivation, strength, courage and energy to keep on going. Feeling that it is not at all useless. Feeling that there is something more in this life than just the material, at times repetitive or stagnant world. But even when we have so much desire for it… It is still not so easy to understand which is that one way to do things that can really help us see and feel again this world from the perspective of our soul, and not our consumed and tired thoughts. What we can do to connect, nourish and embrace ourselves. Through the expression of our soul.

This is our very first reading for this new year, requested by one of you to whom I’m so grateful for this idea and chance to tap for a moment in the more spiritual aspect of our life. No matter if you already have someone or something that you believe in, accepting their guidance in your life; if you always felt connected so deeply only to your own self; if you never felt this desire to look at life differently until this point… You are welcomed here, and there will be the right message for you. As no matter if we look at it from the spiritual and religious perspective, or more logical and psychological one, there is still something that can help you express, nourish and celebrate yourself more. Something that can help you find more peace within this year, transforming it into the strength to go through this life and the easy or challenging moments it sometimes gifts.

So slow down. Breathe. Allow yourself to let go for a moment of judgment, analysis or control. And just follow that one pile that attracts your gaze more. The one that is hiding the message from your soul.

P.s. A little question for you.♡

As I’m trying to improve the experience of the extended versions of our readings, it would be deeply helpful for me to know your opinion about their format! For example, when and if you’ll ever buy an extended version of a reading, what would be more comfortable for you to find in them? Just the additional message? Or it might be helpful to have the original one included too, so you have everything in one place in case you want to read again the whole reading, or check more than one pile?

{ Thank you so much for letting me know!♡ }

– Pile One,

the coffin: the king of wands and the temperance

This past year… There were so many things that you were forced to say goodbye to. People, connections, ideas and opportunities, journeys and goals… So many things didn't work, for one reason or another. So many of them needed a different approach, much more than you expected or could do. So many of them seemed to not want you at all, pushing you back no matter how many times you tried to make them work.

But even if it was frustrating and scary, you adapted to all the failures and changes. You tried to remain on the surface in any way you could, looking for something else, accepting whatever alternative seemed good enough for you. And even though you did your best, you managed to make things work either way, accepting them and being grateful even though they are not exactly like you wanted or imagined… It still remains a reality that is not quite yours. Just the one you surrendered to and embraced in the absence of other things that you truly wanted to live and achieve. And in the long run… It is tiring you. To need to keep up with a life that you don't feel truly fitting for yourself, your desires or goals. Because no matter how many positive aspects you can find in them, no matter how strong and capable you are, to make use of them and endure them... It still remains a heavy phase of life, the one that you are going through.

If we’d to ask ourselves what are the things in our life that we don't want or don't feel quite right… We would think almost immediately and only about the big ones. Work, home, studies, relationships that we can’t really control… But there is much more between these big and main goals or concerns that consume all of our focus. There are those little actions and decisions that we do each day, in our routine that we are not really even aware of anymore, allowing it to guide us blindly through one day and the one after that. And there are a lot of aspects of them that we let pass by, without looking at what they are made of. And how many things of those are really aligned with who we want to be or how we want to live this life.

It is normal that we can’t just stand up and change everything in our life, there are too many things that depend not only on us. But we don't need to change those in order to be able to feel safe and at peace, finally enjoying this life. We can and should do it in the little steps we take each day that we wake up.

So take a moment, sit down with yourself, grab a pen, a phone, your pc or whatever you feel more comfortable in using to organise your thoughts. And ask yourself, truly, who is that person that you feel to be in your mind and heart, in your inner world, and that each year you try so hard to bring into the real one. Look at them, describe them, so you can see yourself clearly. Not the version that was made by this reality, these circumstances that decided who and how you needed to be in order to survive and make it through. But the one that you are truly, without any if or but. Without any limit or consequence. Without any judgment or image to keep up with. See them, every detail about how they feel, towards others or just in their own skin. How they deal with obstacles or troubles. What helps them to unwind and relax. The things that they do and really feel satisfied after, proud of what they did no matter if it was a lot or little… And just keep them in mind. Make that version of you be your guide and idol, the one you look up to throughout this year. Each day of it. Because it is not just a dream or a delusion, your desire to be one day like that version that you have in your mind. It is actually your inner self that wants to be this way, and knows deep down that it is possible to feel so confident and safe. Because it's not that you are not like you want, and so is your life, while this is just a delusion that helps you sleep at night. It is still and always you, even if it is only in your dreams and goals for now. Both versions are you, just one needs some time and nourishment to grow up to be the other one.

Even if it might seem not so spiritual, to change your routine, to make room for the things that for so long you wanted to do but never had the time or space, or to just let yourself throw away the judgment and limits on what you do or how… It is still a spiritual, magical, practice. A practical way of taking care of yourself through the things that you can control, choose and decide. It is still a way of expressing and connecting to your own self. While simultaneously making little but significant changes in your life, allowing you to feel safe and comfortable not only within your mind or heart, but also in the things of the every day life.

And this, this can really make an incredible impact on the things that you can’t control too. Just because the wait will be more enjoyable, once you are staying in a place where not everything is frustrating and pressuring. Once you don't feel caught up between two things that give you only anxiety and unsatisfaction, but there is still something that is worth it, to go through these days one after another, while waiting for the big changes to begin.

This reality is hardly the one that you chose for yourself, but through little changes you can make it be more like what you want. So there is more of good and worthy, of safe and enjoyable, that keeps your attention better than the stagnant or bad ones, alleviating the pressure those have on your shoulders, on your heart and on your mind.

The spirituality is not only about practices, rituals, of following the guidance and “rules” of who and what you believe in… It is also and always taking care of yourself, in whatever way you need or can now. And in this year, in the one that once again you have so much hope for, the most needed and easiest for you way to nourish yourself is by making your current reality more safe and enjoyable for you, no matter if the other “big” things will change or stay the same. Because we can’t always control our journey, but we can change the way we go through it. And in your case, you can start doing it through the little things done for yourself, for that version of you that you want so much to manifest.

{ ♡ }

– Pile Two,

the cross: the lovers and the ten of swords

It is not the first time that this desire blooms within you. The one to be devoted to something close and true to your soul. To allow it to guide you, teach you. To allow it to protect you and take care of you as you go through these difficult days. It is not the first time you feel the pure and genuine desire to not feel so alone, so doomed, so lost. But to have someone or something to look after you, to light the right journey for you…

You already tried so many things. Opened up your mind and your heart to new ideas and beliefs. You held them close to your heart, let it in, right into your soul, and listened patiently, waiting for an answer, for a sign that this is something that is right and true for you, something that you can trust to guide you…

But although so many of them felt so exciting and interesting to learn about, there was always that one little detail that never fitted, never was quite right for you. Making it so difficult to stick with them, to truly dedicate your time and energy to them. To truly feel that faith that is needed in order to believe… The first moments of enthusiasm always faded. The new routines that seemed so easy to respect became more tedious and difficult to keep up with. The words that first resonated so strongly with your heart… Always sooner or later found their nemesis in your thoughts, in your fearful and anxious questions that never found answers that could satisfy them.

And you felt only more coldness around and within you. As this flame of connecting with your soul somehow, more significantly, in a more sacred way, didn't receive its nourishment. Becoming smaller with each day that you wanted to understand yourself and this world better, but were unable to crack the code…

But no matter how many things you tried, how much you learned about so many ways of creating through your soul or manifest your true self unapologetically into this world… It is still the very start for you. You are only at the beginning of this journey. As through your hard work you learned all the possible ways, methods, practices and ideas… But you never learned what, or who, is it that you want to connect to. You never took a moment to just look at your own self and what you hold within your body, mind and heart. There are many religions, many practices, many believes that could fit in your life, that could really help you. But it is difficult to find out which is the right one, when you don't really know the size you need, right?

Although it is admirable your openness and desire to learn and experiment… There is no need for you now to decide already who or what to follow. Because first you need to be able to listen to your own self, without any voice or interpretations of others in between. You need to focus on yourself, this year, on who you are, before trusting others and their truths. As they can so easily make you lose sight of who you are, when you don’t have what to hold to in the first place.

For now observe yourself. Your feelings, thoughts, perceptions and reactions when interacting with this world. Observe them also when you are all alone. When there is no one else apart your self… What do you feel, what do you desire or need, when facing all of it? Because you really do think that it is not needed, that there is noone that knows you best. But in this search for someone else that can translate the way your soul talks, someone who understands it… You didn’t notice how much you have changed. How much the motives and explanations of what you feel or think have changed, narrating a different story about who you are, and what your soul strives for now.

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– Pile Three,

The child: the two of wands and the five of cups

So many plans, so many guidelines, so many routines… Always so many things to learn and to adapt to, so many limits needed for you so you wouldn't make mistakes… They really got you used to it. To have a clear vision of what you are going to do, or how, with all the needed steps to follow. They got you used so much to it, that you can’t help but do it regarding your own self, your own soul too. The way you express it, create with it… The things that you do to connect with it.

You can’t help but to rely on something or someone, just even the tiniest advice or guidance, before you do that one first step on the path that you are thinking to choose. But it doesn't really work with more intimate, less material things, doesn't it? It only kind of kills the enthusiasm and lightness in your heart by putting so many dos and don’ts into your mind.

There is nothing wrong in looking out for it… In looking around you, discovering different ideas and ways others do it. But it does become more heavy and strict when instead of being inspired and experimenting in your own way with it, you are trying to follow each someone's step, just to be sure to not be disrespectful, ignorant, or just weird.

Interests that help your mind to grow or hobbies that allow your heart to express itself and unwind… Routines that give you stability or practices that give you confidence… They all change so much, depending on who is doing them. For someone they are natural and easy. For others they are so difficult to stick with no matter how much one tries. And yet you still feel uneasy, you still believe that the reason you can’t find that one right thing, create that one safe space for yourself… Is you and the mistakes that, you are so sure of, you make.

And what if it is true anyway? What if you really do manage in doing only one thing and not the other? What if only one half of someone’s truth sits right with you? It is your life. Your soul. And it is obvious that it won’t be so easy to follow the example of someone else when trying to take care of it.

You tried so many things, explored so many different ideas and believes. And while you see yourself being able to welcome them in your life only partially as your incapability or inadequacy… You shouldn't ignore so confidently all those little things and details that still did resonate with you, even if each one of them comes from different cultures or practices. Your soul is the fusion of all your lives, your experiences, thoughts and feelings in each one of them. And the way it feels more safe to look at this world, and respect and nourish the one within you… Can indeed be a puzzle of all the different things that you learned or saw, but that fit so well together when you are that one connecting point.

Don’t busy yourself with finding, choosing and sticking to only one thing or way to take care of yourself, only one set of rules, only one school of thoughts. Because even though it might be the only one for someone, their whole life and armor, their story or personality, it doesn't necessarily need to be yours too. It can be strong, stable and beautiful enough even if it is made from different materials. A spirituality and magic that is all yours. The one that connects you to so many different parts of this world and to those that live or that used to, leaving to us their example and story to learn from.

Just go for your own way. Keep on remaining open, so enthusiastic and curious. Keep on learning and trying new and different ways, discovering how many things there truly are in this world that can be helpful and good for your body, mind or heart. Keep on enjoying them, or contrary, learning what are those things that are not quite aligned with you. And create as you go this beautiful and unique puzzle of wholeness and wellbeing, of a truth and guidance that is just yours, while still being connected to all.

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