#writing without overthinking

[loopylivy]

Wondering what it would be like to have Tumblr but offline? Like idk I don't wanna be Ms. Tin Hat over here but with the way tech execs are acting with Donald Trump I feel a little less safe putting my thoughts, ideas, beliefs, personal things, etc online??? Is in person Tumblr just talking??? Or maybe some sort of anonymous writing in newspapers?? In my mind's eye I see a big room chock full of people, like a 1920s newsroom or newspaper house. Lots of bowler hats and those nice girl bowler hats, light pink and powder blue and tan, and someone's waving a handkerchief.

Seriously though, can you be anonymous in person?? Maybe by simply creating and not signing. And we're not totally anonymous on here --- is anonymity better for connection anyway?? I'm more honest and open but community and being known is better I guess.

-Liv out

[themeraldee]

Awkward sex prompt: homelander figuring out how to control his strength with a human reader, who still wants rough sex, but would prefer to be alive at the end of it.

[Masterlist]

18+ Only | 1.2k | Homelander x gn!Reader | Realistic sex. Communicating during sex. Choking. Penetration (but not specified). Fluff at the end.

“I don’t want to hurt you.�� 

“But I want you to.” 

It really should have been no surprise to Homelander when you requested he goes a little rougher on you in bed. At first he was taken aback, stopping the pace he was fucking into you with, jerking his head back as if offended, choking on his breath in surprise. You know who he is, bringing up the use of his strength is no small ask. But you’ve shown the signs before. He could hear the spike in your heart rate anytime he’d showcase the incomprehensible strength he possesses. Whether it was him moving heavy objects, accidentally bending steel frames in his penthouse or breaking furniture—like that one time he ripped the headboard off during a particularly fine blowjob—you loved it. Though he never thought that your dirty little thoughts went straight to him using that strength on you. 

“What if I can’t hold back?” He looks down where you’re right below him, all flushed and spread out for him. He’s been giving you a damn good time but it’s like you can never get enough of him. Always wanting more, more, more.

“You can. You’ve been doing it your entire life. Adding a tiny bit more pressure isn’t gonna change anything.”

The one thing Homelander loves about you the most is the pure trust you have in him. After all you’ve seen of him you still believe that there’s no world in which he would purposefully hurt you. So to hear you all but beg for him to use strength that has more than decimated many gets his heart soaring. The feeling of acceptance and unconditional love blooms warm in his chest spreading all the way out to the fingertips currently wrapped around your neck.

“Come on, what’s the point of being the strongest man in the world if you can’t rough me up a bit? I’ll tell you if it’s too painful okay?”

Your hand sat on top, your fingers tracing over his as you squeezed your hand.

“A little more.” You guide him verbally and manually. Your hand is still squeezing around his own until you reach a point where you’re satisfied with his confidence to do this himself and you pull your hand away. “Yeah, that’s it.” You squeak out a little breathlessly as he restricts your airflow.

“That’s good?” He asks, choking on his words halfway at the way you squeeze around him while he’s still lodged firmly inside you. He jerks with his movement, giving you a very short snappy thrust but after your little intermission where you taught him how to choke even this little sensation made you moan.

Homelander’s eyes widen when he realizes the sheer potential of your request. Not only could he hear your heartbeat, your shaky breaths and moans, he could now also feel them. Right against his fingertips. The moan vibrated against his hot skin, your heartbeat constantly thrumming all around him. He felt it in the way you were tight and clenching around him and now he felt it under his grip.

He released his hand a little, settling the palm of it in between your collarbones.

“See? Wasn’t that good? I love feeling your strength, let me have a little more of it.” You say it with such conviction, inviting him in, accepting him exactly—no, especially—because of the way he is.

The last thing Homelander wants is to not be able to fulfill your needs. As much as the thought of hurting you—actually hurting you—kills him, if it’s something you find excitement in he’ll be damned if he doesn’t deliver.

He pulls you down the length of the bed a little bit to give himself more space and with a grin he pins your wrists above your head, holding them down against the mattress with little effort. He knows he’s doing something right when that startles you, you let out a cute yelp that quickly turns into a moan. God, he could eat you up with the way you’re looking at him. But he’s gonna need to leave that for round two. Now he’s here to fulfill a wish.

He slowly picks up the pace. He’s thrusting slow and deep while his other hand freely explores your body underneath him, giving it generous squeezes as he goes. He’s testing the give of you. Learning where he can apply the pressure you so desperately crave. 

He’s fucking into your faster now, grunting at the sheer heat of you surrounding his cock with every slide. His hand glides up your body, settling back on your neck. He gives you a look as if he was warning you of what’s to happen. Yet he still manages to catch you off guard. With the snap of his hips and the iron-clad grip of his hand your eyes widen in what Homelander only translates to fear.

Immediately, he lets go.

“Why did you stop?!” You look at him, your own hand gliding across where his hand was squeezing a second ago, as if to chase the phantom feeling, recreating it yourself.

“Why did I stop? You got scared and I don’t want to fucking kill you!” He sounds angry but it’s mainly to hide the genuine worry that comes with this irresponsible play. It’s already hard for him to hold back anytime you’re having normal sex. Wanting him to rough you up conjures very different imagery in either one of your minds.

“Baby, the scary part is the best bit. I know you’ll stop before it’s too much. You can feel the give of my body. Let yourself feel that, okay?” You say softly, soothing his fears. In your entire relationship he’s not managed to hurt you, you don’t imagine it was about to start now.

“Now come on, I wanna cum with your hand around my neck.” You give him a cheeky smile that breaks him out of any doubts he had about manhandling you the way you’ve requested.

He’s given you exactly what you’ve asked for. Just enough squeeze and pressure that you feel so overwhelmed with the greatness of his presence pinning you down and nearly squeezing the life out of you that you succumb to your release. Homelander follows you there, unable to hold off after seeing the way you look at him with such adoration right after he let your airways open fully and you regained your senses. 

After you’re both beyond blissed out you snuggle up to one another, locking the jigsaw pieces of your bodies together.

Homelander traces a finger across the bruised finger marks wrapping around your neck. Part of him relishes in the way he’s managed to brand you where you won’t be able to hide it easily. Even with a scarf or a turtleneck, any slight move of the garment will expose the impressive size of your lovingly placed bruises. 

The other part of him isn’t that happy about it.

“I hurt you.”

“Duh! I wanted you to!” You scoff as if it was the most obvious thing.

His fingers trace over them some more before he leans in, placing a soft kiss against the marred skin.  

“You’re fucking crazy.” He lets out a little disbelieving laugh as he pulls you closer into his arms.

“Yeah, you’ve been rubbing off on me.”

“Nope, this is all you.” 

“Maybe. Hey, can we try spanking next?”

Taglist (you can add yourself to be tagged anytime I publish a new Homelander story): @infinetlyforgotten  @rafecamsgirlll @nervoussystemss

[kacchans-cradle]

jesus christ i wouldn't wish writing a padded agere fic on my worst enemy. the way im having to double triple check to make sure what im writing doesnt sound fetishy or weird is making me want to pull my hair out GOD

[http-tempted]

Sex is cool but have you ever fallen asleep in the wink of an eye?

[writingjourney]

my day sucked and I feel horrible both mentally and physically but I can now confirm blasting skeletá in the car fucking slaps, it’s like getting an exorcism and therapy talk at the same time

[quinn-pop]

let’s do some autistic meta knight headcanons!! over explaining my interpretation of meta knight yet again wooooo

this orb has NO idea how to talk to people!!! outside of work anyway. a lot of this is partially due to upbringing (suppressing his emotions all the time) but he does not know how to express emotions, like…at all.

this goes into a few things

1. yeah talking is hard. even after figuring out what he wants to communicate he will struggle. conversation can be so overwhelming, especially under pressure. he will need time lol

2. because of that, forming connections is hard. i really don’t think meta is much for shallow relationships, and certainly not early in the timeline. which also means he has very little experience with friendship. so a lot of the relationships he did have went kinda neglected, and issues that probably could’ve been worked on by talking became…*cough romk* escalated.

3. honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if meta convinced himself he couldn’t feel emotion (anymore) until like. katam-ish. he tried very hard lol

vulnerability is terrifying. (though this gesture here is also just comforting, like his little cape cocoon thing he does.)

unmasking—yeah im taking the mask thing very literally here—is a big deal and a very slow process for mk. i’m sure he has a lot of feelings on that lol. it served as a way to ensure no one could ever, y’know, see him.

i can’t say i think he’d ever fully ditch it—there’s always gonna be some days that are more stressful than others and if having it could help him get through it, it just makes sense. mainly when working.

it really is about vulnerability. granted, i don’t think he has the most expressive face (in my head every astral just tends to stare at things) but i doubt he has much control over it. can’t fake a smile but also can’t hide it. probably blushes easy because yeah, astrals; just look at kirby’s face.

just the idea that someone might be able to read his expression and know what he’s feeling before he’s ready for them to (or even understands it himself…) yeah he doesn’t want that

but emotional turmoil aside, i think his mask also hides a lot of his stims

remember that whole “suppressing your feelings” thing? yeah turns out that ignoring half your instincts isn’t a good idea. so in true meta knight style, he tries to stim as subtly as possible

1. he has the least control over his wings, so they will flick and twitch on their own. they’re usually a good indicator of how he’s feeling, not unlike the body language usually seen in cat ears and tails lol. flapping is also an extension of this of course, though he probably suppresses it more.

2. this also effects when he takes his wings out. pretty much every time he’s excited or nervous it just happens. kinda makes me wonder if his wing cape ordeal might also go into the suppression thing… (i’d say yes, but using a cape is also very comforting so it’s not necessarily a bad thing)

3. going back to the mask thing; he stims a lot underneath it. think like biting or pursing your lips. he bites his tongue and clicks his mouth. that sort of thing. his mask also makes it harder to notice that he is constantly sighing, humming, grumbling…all that

one nice thing about the mask though is that it helps a little bit with lights!!! woo

(look at him and his magically floating glasses)

sensory stuff—i think he’s mostly bothered by light and sound. maybe a bit of texture. he’s pretty sensory avoidant and perfectly happy standing off to the side not touching anything.

the one exception to this is physical affection, which is, despite all of this, most of how he shows affection. it’s a lot easier to hug someone than to try to explain your feelings for them, after all.

i think he would like pressure though. so that’s probably part of it. and i’m pretty sure there’s some connection in here to fighting (dang, is that the only way he knows how to get his energy out?)

anyway, pretty much all of this is in contrast to kirby, who i would gladly nominate as the champion of Doing Whatever He Wants. he might pick up a few bad habits, but he will never mask the way meta knight does. he might not understand how he feels, but he’s in tune enough to express it…usually.

this is a very good thing for meta because it helps him to do the same thing. kirby’s so energetic, it’s hard to not want to stim with him. it reminds meta to be kinder to himself and explore his own emotions. he can also help kirby understand themselves, so this connection is very important.

yeah, at the end of the day, everything kinda just boils down to kirby and mk as parallels

this is the conclusion i promise

to me, meta’s arc is about growing stronger by growing kinder, and this is mostly by learning to be kind to himself. letting himself be a person again, loving and understanding other people, and eventually, letting go of all the expectations placed on him and doing the things he’s always wanted to do…

autism headcanons are fun for me because it’s cathartic to write, but at the same time, it just makes sense in this sort of narrative. meta is, to me, inseparable from these things. and so is kirby! that’s a dynamic that’s a lot of fun to play with, and it’s at the heart of my kirby interpretation.

if you actually read all this WOW thank you

[laxmiree]

[CN] Lucien’s 2nd Official Guidebook's Letter English Translation

This translation was requested by a friend. For the rest of the artbook translation, I'll wait until mine comes home or maybe I'll accept non-anon request :>

See also: Lucien's 1st Official Artbook/Guidebook's Letter for comparison. You'll find that he indeed has changed because of love 🥺

Translation and the text version of the letter under the cut!

I hope this letter finds you well.

It’s been some time since I last wrote to you.

Back when I was studying in the UK, I had grown quite accustomed to checking the mailbox every day for letters or going to the post office to send them. Some elderly professors always insisted on using traditional ways of sending messages, so I naturally followed their preferences. Still, part of it was because everyone was so busy that meeting in person was difficult. So for a time, I regarded letter-writing as something that felt rather distant. But after meeting you, I came to realize that view had been a bit narrow.

As a means of expression, a sheet of letter paper holds countless possibilities, and the same is true beyond the paper. You may not know this, but every time I spent time with you in the past, many thoughts would flash through my mind, hoping to align with your reactions. Some worked, some didn’t. Even when they did, I would still feel surprised — how could there be someone who requires me to guess and ponder so many possibilities?

Does that sound a little arrogant? I’m sorry. When I first got to know you, I really wanted to maintain a state of effortless composure. But unfortunately, I overlooked the distinction between subjectivity and objectivity, and I also tossed Newton’s Third Law to the back of my mind. No action exists without reaction. Had I known back then that you enjoyed exchanging letters, I would have written to you as well. But compared to now, the purpose behind it would certainly have been different.

If you want to know what my purpose is now, I can answer with certainty: there is no purpose. I’m currently sitting in a café near your office. There’s a floor-to-ceiling window here, and through it, I can just see your company’s building. Though it’s a bit quiet here this weekend, I know you and your colleagues must be busy in full swing. When the fourth bicycle passed by the window, I suddenly felt an urge to talk with you, so I penned these words that came to me on a whim.

I know these words may seem illogical, and you might not even be interested, but I still very much wanted to write them to you. Ever since being with you, I’ve found myself doing impulsive things like this more and more often. I don’t know when it started, but at some point, I stopped questioning the meaning of doing things like this and just started enjoying the process.

Yes, my 'teacher', I think I’m ready to hand in this answer sheet to you. This is a brand-new 'Lucien', writing a letter to you.

-Lucien

[rivereverie]

WIP Whenever

Untitled WIP - Part 1 (snippet #2)

Thank you for the tag @burnt-by-marigolds! Also I just remembered @roguishcat you tagged me for snippet sunday like two months ago so I'll count this for that too haha. I really appreciate the tag.

From the chapter I'm (still) working on:

⊱─━━━━⊱༻●༺⊰━━━━─⊰ His hand slid over her hip, just slow enough to tease her. A count of two, then the other hand found her cheek and tilted her face upward. The movements were steps in a dance so familiar his body could do it without him, as if suspended on strings. Except this time it didn’t feel like he was dancing with a ghost. She was there with him in the dark, empty ballroom of the woods.

“You trusted me that first night,” he said, voice low, “to keep watch. And you’ve trusted me several times since, to feed from you without devouring. Won't you trust me once more?” He could feel River’s heart pounding against his chest, so full of life. She didn’t meet his eyes.

He wanted her to dance with him, not to drag her along. “Look at me,” he asked, adding a soothing note to his sensual tone. 

“Don’t make me,” River replied just as quietly, not looking up. Astarion had never gotten that reaction before, and the edge of anxiety in her voice gave him further pause. He had never seen this much of her vulnerability, and it hung in the air like perfume of sugared violets, heady and beckoning. He wouldn't question it, for now.

“I won’t,” he promised, hand gliding down from her cheek to trace the curve of her neck, and at last she shivered for him. Astarion couldn't tell if it was her tremble or the warm thrum of blood beneath his palm that sent a current of want through him. “But I do need an answer.”

After a breath of hesitation, River raised a hand and finally returned his touch. Her fingertips were like moth wings against his cheek, impossibly light as they fluttered across the skin. She was gentle in a way his body just didn't recognize, and it almost startled him.

“I do trust you,” River said, and something in her tone had become more certain. “And you trust me?”

He didn't try to answer the question—not to her, and not to himself. Instead, Astarion closed the final breath between them and pressed his lips to hers.

⊱─━━━━⊱༻●༺⊰━━━━─⊰

[xlmibby]

everyone always says xiao is mysterious and i agree - but the thing is, he's not only that way because he doesn't talk a lot. it's also because when he says something, it doesn't mean it's the whole truth about him.

xiao tells lumine that he's unable to understand human emotions but he's one of the most gentle souls she's ever met. he says she shouldn't get too close to him and then, swears that he will be always there when she calls. birthdays are useless in his eyes but he makes a gift for her, nonetheless. sight seeing in the city is not his thing but he's still willing to go there with her - for her.

it's all a bunch of little white lies xiao tells her and himself; and it takes everything in lumine to pretend not to notice it.

because although he might say he's not emotional nor romantic, she sees something way different. every little gesture, like how he makes use of any excuse - no matter how flimsy it is - just to touch her and stay by her side longer. the longing glances when his gaze always searches for her figure in every room he enters. she feels his eyes linger on the expanse of her skin even when the conversation between them is over, burning in a way that makes her want to grab him by the collar of his shirt and kiss him senseless.

it makes lumine tense, too. just a little.

even when he's silent, xiao's aura is so intense...

there's more to him. perhaps, it's something he isn't truly aware of. but perhaps, he knows that emotions - that odd hunger and yearning that flashes across his face from time to time - he hides are deep enough to push him to the point of no return, swallow him whole and destroy his self-control. the enormity of fondness he holds for her is scary at times–

nonetheless... xiao lumine knows - the honest and open side of him - is kind, gentle.

no matter how careless she is, he takes care if her and is worried about her well-being more than she is. he stays by her side at night to make sure she sleeps well. his voice softens while he's speaking to her, too - when he says her name like it means everything to him. like she is everything he has ever wished for and more.

and maybe, hopefully, it's true and xiao wants lumine. just how she wants him, if not more.

[fxnker]

my boy ! 💚 my friend ! ❤️

[wikiangela]

wip wednesday

tagged by @tizniz 💖

more of the will talk fic bc they're finally talking about it and this is so close to being done! (hopefully🤞 as always it's getting longer than expected haha)

prev snippet

___

"(...) He- he didn’t even tell me until like a year later, when he-” Buck takes a sharp breath, an even more unpleasant memory replacing the previous one. Suddenly he can feel the metallic taste of blood in his mouth, and the rough asphalt scraping his hands, and he needs to take a deep breath. Tommy tightens his arm around him, maybe he can feel Buck tensing up, can sense that whatever he's about to say is upsetting. “After he got shot.” Buck finally whispers.

“You know,” Tommy starts, his tone bright and casual but gentle, clearly wanting to lighten the mood, always just knowing what Buck needs, and Buck’s so grateful. He doesn’t want to talk about all those traumatic things now, that’s a whole other topic, that they scratched the surface of already, and soon they’d go deeper, but not today. Today it’s just for context for the other important conversation they’re having. “I’m starting to think I lucked out that I left the 118. You guys seem to be cursed or something.” he teases, pressing a gentle kiss to Buck’s temple, and an easy, breathy laugh bubbles out of Buck, tension leaving his body, as he melts against his boyfriend.

___

no pressure tags: @elvensorceress @thebravebitch @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @watchyourbuck

@eowon @loserdiaz @evanbegins @ladydorian05 @wildlife4life

@diazpatcher @lover-of-mine @monsterrae1 @thewolvesof1998 @weewootruck

@loveyouanyway @spagheddiediaz @rainbow-nerdss @epicbuddieficrecs @pirrusstuff

@alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @nmcggg @rogerzsteven @hippolotamus @bidisasterevankinard

@giddyupbuck @sunshinediaz @honestlydarkprincess @underwaterninja13 @exhuastedpigeon

@911-on-abc @jesuisici33 @steadfastsaturnsrings @buddieswhvre @fortheloveofbuddie

@your-catfish-friend @theotherbuckley @daffi-990 @dangerpronebuddie @hoodie-buck

@aroeddiediaz @diazsdimples @spotsandsocks

[chubbybunny25]

re-reading my divorce fic (no, not percico divorce) and i'm wondering, how was i able to write smut like that.

[dirty-dirty-muggle]

Finally over a weeklong brain slump that’s stopped me from doing much more than gaming and reading (and work, bleh). It’s bad when I couldn’t even pay attention to Tumblr. Kept reblogging posts wanting to reply and deleting them because the brain was not up to properly articulating and thinking through my opinions. To be fair, I have tons of drafts of half-written reblogs already because I am a terrible overthinker and never feel like I’m explaining things well enough, but this was worse than usual to where I gave up even checking my feed the last couple days—just zero attention or energy.

I expect I am internally processing some big real life things; my brain tends to shut down when it needs to subconsciously sort through stuff and I have trouble doing much. Why? No idea. Anyway, that’s why I’ve been quieter than usual.

On the plus side I’ve read a lot of fanfic. For some reason about a ship I don’t even really like because I am craving friends to lovers stories. Just a weird brain time overall, I suppose. 🤷‍♀️ It’s been interesting though to see how a different ship fandom interprets canon, the tropes they use frequently vs my usual sshg corner of the universe, and really solidifying for me just how much hp fanfic and fanon has been influenced by the movies (a LOT).

BUT! I just finished writing the new scene I have been procrastinating on and can now continue with second draft edits of my big sshg wip. The end is in sight. I have a four day weekend and want to see how far I can get. I really want to start posting it by the end of this month.

[tethys-the-aquatic-sea-godness]

Sarevok, his mother, and revenge

There are very few known information about lady Anchev, not even a canon name, but there's enough to know she mattered to Sarevok. The memory of her murder followed him through adulthood, and it's a huge part of his character. It's also one of the motivators behind his betrayal of Rieltar Anchev.

As usual, my rant is down there.

All that's really known about Sarevok and his mother is found within his diary.

"He [Rieltar] mentioned mother in our conversation: how I wasn't to be unfaithful to him as she had."

"I had a dream this night. My mother was talking to me, but as she did her face became bloated and discolored. Her voice became weaker as she spoke to me, telling me to save her from Rieltar. I could see the garrote cutting into her neck, but I did nothing. It was only a dream."

"Terribly sorry, 'father,' but my true parentage calls and you are in my way. I shall be sure to instruct the doppelgangers in the exact manner Rieltar should die. I think a garrote would be perfect for the task."

-> I will never not be obsessed with this. The way Sarevok writes about both of his foster parents tells much about his feelings toward each of them. He refers to Rieltar by his first name or as "'father'" with quotation marks. However, he always refers to lady Anchev as "mother", even "My mother". It's a rare touch of sentimentality from him. His mother has no name, but she's the only character who gets an entry in Sarevok's diary that's not related to his plans.

It's interesting to see where the introduction of lady Anchev is.

-> The first entry about Sarevok's foster mother is right after the first entry about Gorion, Charname's foster father. It's a structural choice to have both parents who mattered to Charname and Sarevok follow each other on the page. It shows how they mirror each other as a parental figure, but also how they diverge, as Gorion is still alive at that point, but lady Anchev is dead. They also both unsettle Sarevok, albeit for different reasons. In true parent mode, Gorion was the one to spot Sarevok was up to something.

Now, let's look closer at the entry introducing lady Anchev.

It's the retelling of a dream (*cough* what you call a nightmare when you're not repressed *cough*), and from the way it's structured, there's reason to believe it wasn't intended to be there. It starts with "I had a dream this night", followed by lady Anchev's murder with graphic details, but Sarevok minimizes the previous lines with "It was only a dream". It reads like Sarevok woke up disturbed by his dream, went to write it down right away then minimized what happened when he saw what he wrote. He couldn't erase the ink, and crossing it out would've been even more telling than the words themselves. Note that this is Sarevok's diary, it's not supposed to be read by anyone but him, but there's still this reflex of minimizing anything that could be perceived as a weakness.

There are a few things to take into consideration when looking at lady Anchev's death. First, memories can get distorted, second, it's a dream, so not everything should be taken literally. Typically, when lady Anchev talks to Sarevok in his dream.

"Her voice became weaker as she spoke to me, telling me to save her from Rieltar. I could see the garrote cutting into her neck, but I did nothing."

-> Lady Anchev was strangled by Rieltar with a garrote, she would've had no air to shout, much less form a coherent sentence while her brain was running out of oxygen and her trachea was being crushed.

It's more likely Sarevok's own guilt speaking through her. His "but I did nothing" reads like an accusation at himself, and more importantly, an admission of failure and powerlessness. Hence the immediate minimization. The language he uses is also worth a closer look: "telling me to save her from Rieltar". She's not asking him to do it, she's telling him to save her. It's phrased like an order and reinforces the impression it's Sarevok's inner dialogue rather than anything lady Anchev ever said. The kind you'd get when you'd try to get yourself to move, but your body doesn't follow.

Sarevok has this dream as an adult, at the height of his power and on his way to godhood. Yet, he still cannot save his mother, not even in a dream. That's the powerlessness this dream/memory throws him back to. The child he was when that happened was unable to save his mother, nor should he be expected to, but Sarevok views that as his own inaction, not his inability: "I did nothing." Rieltar is the murderer, yet he's only mentioned in the dream. Technically, he's not even there, it's only Sarevok, his mother and the garrote. Sarevok's dream frames him as the cause of her death because he "did nothing".

It adds internalized self-recrimination to Sarevok's character, which fits his past as an abused child. The structure of the dream rests the responsibility of action on Sarevok rather than Rieltar, making the one who was 'weak' take the blame. Sarevok's quest for power remains even after his resurection because it's something rooted in his past, not his taint. The weak are to blame for what happens to them because they aren't strong enough to defend themselves. That's the twisted mindset he learned from Rieltar, because he's been the weak one at his mercy. The murder of Sarevok's mother is important, because it's the starting point, it's when that idea starts to sink in. Discovering he's a Bhaalspawn only cements that mindset by giving it a 'predestined' element. His very nature is to cause pain. It doesn't matter that it's not true, it becomes part of his misbelief and further taints how he interacts with the world around him. A part of that behavior is minimizing or outright dismissing anything that could make him 'weak', such as being upset by a nightmare of his mother's murder.

Even though Sarevok claims "It was only a dream", his plotting of Rieltar's murder contradicts that.

"I shall be sure to instruct the doppelgangers in the exact manner Rieltar should die. I think a garrote would be perfect for the task."

-> Sarevok has many reason to kill Rieltar, some purely practical, but this, this is personal. Yes, he tries to lure Charname and their party into killing Rieltar, but how hard does he really try? He charms the whole city of Baldur's Gate, but lets his front crumble after a couple of valid questions from Charname? Charname's cooperation isn't necessary because he has set everything to frame them for the murder anyway. Sarevok isn't present when Rieltar dies, because he's busy having an alibi, he can't do the deed himself, or say anything he'd want to say, but he makes sure Rieltar dies in a manner where he'll still get the message. One that tells him exactly how long Sarevok has waited for this, how long Rieltar was fooled. Ever since her.

You don't get to know more about Sarevok's mother, not even in ToB, but there's a dialogue you can get when talking with Sarevok. It's a dialogue you get if you take his offer to swear a binding oath post resurection.

Sarevok: "[...] You have no remaining grudges from our earlier matches?" Charname: "No, not really. You paid for what you did." Sarevok: "I… paid for it. You do not still feel anger over what I did to your stepfather?"

-> There's a lot Sarevok did to Charname in BG 1 they could be mad about. Framing them for murder and sending multiple assassins after them among the most prominent. But the one Sarevok's mind goes to, the one he considers the most impossible to forgive is killing Gorion. Sarevok thinks of the emotional reason not to forgive him, not the attempts on Charname's life, which are numerous, but the murder of a caring parent. Because it's something he relates to. He held on to his grudge for years before he could do something about it.

When Sarevok is finally in a position to get revenge, he goes all out. He writes a letter to justify his absence at Candlekeep to Rieltar. The last sentence is interesting, because it's probably the only true statement in the letter.

Father, [...] I am also writing to tell you that I cannot attend the meeting at Candlekeep. [...] I am sorry that I will not be at your side. Sarevok

-> Sarevok is sorry he won't be there when Rieltar is killed. He'll have to be satisfied with knowing he was the one to make it happen.

The thing about Sarevok's revenge against Rieltar, is that it doesn't stop with killing him. No, that's too easy, too little. Sarevok also destroys everything Rieltar worked for. The iron conspiracy, the development of the Iron Throne on the Sword Coast, all of that was Rieltar's project at the start.

"While this is a great blow to the Iron Throne, it is the perfect opportunity for Rieltar to approach the Throne high council with his proposal."

"The Iron Throne council has agreed to support Rieltar's plan. He has been given all the resources he needs, as well as leadership of the project."

-> Sarevok took over Rieltar's own plan and once his control was total and his own personal goal (being named grand duke) was within reach, he ran this entire, brand new, branch of the Iron Throne into the ground.

"I have been sent from Sembia to determine why this branch of the Iron Throne has foundered [...]."

"I will not debate that he [Sarevok] is in control, but whatever his plans, they certainly do not have the good of the Iron Throne in mind. He has abandoned us in favor of his new position [...]. We are simply to be cast off, and I would not be surprised if the marches the Flaming Fist through here tomorrow as a show of his stance on mercantile crime!"

"I only know business, and what he is doing makes very little economic sense. [...] As it is, he is seemingly intent on abandoning us and launching a bloodbath of a war."

Valdis (Charname): Then you won't mind if I help myself to your coffers, will you? Pang Wallen: Bah, they are nearly empty regardless! Sarevok has been making decisions on the sidelines for some time now, and it has cost us all plenty. He does not seem concerned with profits or much of anything! The iron shortage became his pet project, but he has used it to inflame tensions instead of build business! He's brought us down as sure as if he was some 'hero'. [...]

"He throws away gold like it was copper, and uses our best laid plans to inflame governments instead of bargaining for wealth!"

Tralithan: Oh, wonderful. I recognize you from the descriptions given. You are the one accused of murdering our leaders, are you not? I suppose you are here to exact revenge or some such? Well, we are already defeated by one of our own and do not need you. You would do better to focus your efforts on Sarevok, rather than beating up those already beaten. Valdis (Charname): Why would he turn his back on the Iron Throne? Tralithan: Because he was never interested in us in the first place. [...]

"He secures himself as leader of the Iron Throne and then all but destroys its mercantile credibility by practically sacking it!"

-> At this point of the story, Sarevok has more or less won (he's not aware Charname has escaped yet), the Iron Throne has served its purpose and he no longer has a use for it, however, there's no need to destroy it. The scapegoat of the iron crisis was always Amn and most people ate that up. Sarevok could let his plan runs its course, without making another move on the Throne. Instead, he ruins the Iron Throne and targets them with Baldur's Gate's guards. It's a bit of a disservice to his plan, because he already had their leaders assassinated, now he's ruining their business. He knows how the Throne works, he knows they'll send people after him, he just doesn't care. He knows he can defeat anything they throw at him at this point. Sarevok doesn't run Rieltar's operation into the ground because it serves a purpose for him, he does it because he wants to. He doesn't only kill Rieltar, he destroys everything he built on the Sword Coast.

It's not the only time Sarevok makes a 'scorched earth' plan against someone he has a personal grudge against, the other being Gorion's ward and the Candlekeep chapter, but that should've its own post.

Conclusion: Sarevok's affection for his mother is showed in a subdued and repressed way. There's never any vocal expression of it, but it's in his thoughts even when he doesn't want it to be, like his dream. It's built in his plans when he wants Rieltar killed the same way he killed her. She's not the only reason Sarevok tears down all of Rieltar's work, but she's a fundamental one.

"I think a garrote would be perfect for the task."

It's the last sentence of Sarevok's diary. This is what the one insight you get into Sarevok's mindset in BG 1 closes on. He doesn't talk about himself or his future godhood here, indirectly he talks about her. Sarevok denies it matters on paper, but unconsciously contradicts his claim. It hints at where Sarevok's weak points are. He's not fully self-aware, he doesn't overcome pain or weakness, he denies that he experiences either.

It never is 'only a dream'. Lady Anchev is haunting Sarevok. Killing Rieltar and ruining his work isn't just about her, but the closing statement of his diary is.

[corviiids]

THANKS @kimdokjafan you are so kind and generous. ok im cashing in the first of three blank checks to talk about faith trust and pixie dust (most recent chatfic) because the last two directors commentaries were too serious so let's do a silly one.

some p5r spoilers, and this is mostly about sumire, and it's long again. do i need to keep disclaiming that these are long? you should know me by now.

i had this written for a while before i started formatting it because i wasn't really sure if i should post it? i feel like silly chatfic is something people go to for predominantly lighthearted nonsense so i was like, maybe there's too much plot and dramatic misunderstanding and i should just keep this one for myself. but then i was like well nothing matters and maybe someone will have fun with it. it's kind of terrible how much fully or mostly completed fic there is my docs that just doesn't see the light of day lol. write for yourself etc but i like sharing! too bad it comes with the mortifying ordeal etc. anyway that was a tangent

potato counter is a neopets game. there's no deep lore i just like neopets. i guess in this universe ryuji doesn't play neopets? or maybe he's just never played potato counter specifically. i also have a different fic where ryuji DOES play neopets. it's about neopets and ryuji and goro talking on neopets.

i think this might literally be the first time ive written sumi in a fic because i haven't actually written that much fic for royal, like, now that im looking, literally almost none? and none that had a group dynamic. so it was kind of fun to find her voice for the first time in a silly groupchat like this. i was worried people would find her exclamation marks annoying but i personally thought it was endearing so i added it in there.

every time i do a gag where a character corrects their own typo i have to code more stupid little bubbles to make it happen but i think it's worth it. all the effort that goes into making tgis look as much like a real chat as possible

this obviously doesnt take place in the canon p5/r universe, but im imagining sort of a postcanon sumi personality where she's more comfortable being herself and isn't borrowing kasumi's brand of confidence, but she's visibly a really anxious person without that kasumi veneer. i also think in this universe sumire is a fairly recent addition to the friend group, and while everyone likes her a lot and she really likes them, i kind of wanted to emphasise that feeling of being in a friend group where everyone's established and you're sort of a plus-one? you don't really fit yet. part of that is her being new, part of it is her anxiety, part of it is just the kind of person sumi is where she's so polite and self-conscious she ends up taking herself out of things with her own good intentions. stuff like her interrupting the flow of an existing conversation by greeting everyone instead of jumping straight in because she doesn't feel comfortable inserting herself, which means everyone else stops to greet her even though that doesn't normally happen in a friend group, or making a point of thanking everyone for being invited to events while the others take it as a given.

idk i love that she feels a bit out of place with the phantom thieves in p5r. and part of that is a natural consequence of being a new addition in royal who can't be naturally integrated with an existing dynamic but i honestly feel like the writing team realised that and acknowledged it, and really leaned into it, and that made it work incredibly well for me. like, it's part of her character that she's sort of an outsider. it's not like p4g's incredibly clumsy integration of marie and subsequent attempt to shove her down everyone's throat as the canon love interest in p4ga (knife). sumi has that outsider vibe on purpose and it makes me really like her dynamic with the thieves as an individual

goro also feels slightly out of place in these chats, but his conversational style blends more naturally with the other thieves at this point and he even uses their codenames sometimes. i keep saying my chatfic series isn't a real Series because the lore keeps changing, but if we accept that they're all kind of following a General Continuity, assume this takes place some time after the last fic in which ren added goro to the groupchat and they made an effort to integrate him into their friend group. he's kind of there now and has settled into being the weird boyfriend. that's his role.

every time goro says something like "ren and i" assume it's the text equivalent of him talking to the group with his arm around ren's waist.

ok i got really fond of this silly running joke where sumi brings up the weather when she's feeling uncomfortable. she's so polite. i like this thread because setting it up meant i got to tie it off like this:

this just made me happy lol i liked writing this. i tried to use it to demonstrate that despite goro's abrasiveness he obviously knows sumire pretty well, he's attuned to her quirks and knows how to tell when she's having a bad time with her anxiety, so he uses her little weather habit to ground her.

i honestly dont think goro and sumire could be considered close in p5r and as much as i like the "royal trio" in canon they're not really... like... friends? with each other? they're both attached to ren, so it' more a V shape than anything else. but that said, i really LIKE goro and sumi's canon dynamic. he takes a really grouchy but politely attentive supervisory role to her during their few forays into the palace as a trio where he doesn't really know her well but clearly identifies her as a harmless little tryhard who needs some guidance and steps into that role grudgingly, and she immediately looks up to him despite being very wrong footed by his ruthlessness, which i find incredibly charming. i think given time they could be good friends, they just didn't get much chance to know each other very well in canon. so i tried to kinda do that here.

once goro stops being evil and joins the group they all kind of tiredly accept that his role is to occasionally push a cup off a bench while smirking and refuse to clean it up. emotionally, i mean.

wait i need to backtrack chronologically to talk about akeshu.

in this scene they're in the same room lol talking and snickering while typing. im trying to get at that vibe of the annoying couple who is flirting with each other, via you. you know? like ostensibly they're talking to you (sumire) but everything they say to you is part of their stupid game. sumi is incidental to goro and ren teasing each other about flirting with someone else, goro is reporting everything ren says because his boyfriend is so eye-rollingly foolish in a cute way. they're very tickled by how amusing and charming they are. gross. disgusting. sumire im so sorry for putting you through this

anyway here are too many of my favourite jokes from the fic

[soupforsoup]

Everyday I find something new about this character's death four decades ago to be sad about