woundsandclarity

[woundsandclarity]

Being a target of oppression doesn’t automatically make someone empathetic to others who are marginalized differently. People often compartmentalize their experiences, viewing their own struggles as valid while dismissing or downplaying those of others. Without intentional reflection and unlearning, it’s entirely possible for someone to fight against one form of injustice while contributing to another ,even within their own community.

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Realism without hope becomes despair

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Fellow sapphics, here’s a list of women to avoid if you actually want to have a fulfilling, emotionally sane relationship with another woman. Learn the red flags. Save yourself time

1. Makes being gay her entire personality

🚩 It's not cute. It's not radical. It's a mask. If her entire identity starts and ends with "I'm gay," she probably hasn't done the work to develop actual self-awareness or relationship skills. she’s not bringing much to the table besides a label.

2. Has no personal thoughts and opinions, just parrots what’s popular

🚩 If every view she holds was copied from TikTok or Twitter, she’s more interested in aesthetics and approval than being real with you.

3. If she’s bi but downplays her attraction to men to seem “more gay”

🚩 If she insists she “only dates women now” or swears she’s “basically a lesbian,” she’s not being honest , she’s overcompensating. That insecurity often turns into defensiveness, performance, or guilt later on. If she can’t own her full identity, she’s not ready to fully show up for yours.

4. “I love all women but this one man” types

🚩 These are just straight girls cosplaying gay or a bisexual overcompensating.She’s trying to prove how into women she is by acting like one guy doesn’t count, but if she has to constantly qualify her attraction, she’s not comfortable with it.

5. Emotionally passive and shows no effort or reciprocation

🚩 You’re not building a relationship with a brick wall. If she won’t initiate, support, or reflect your effort, she’s not ready or not interested enough. Either way, walk away.

6. Constantly talks about how much she hates men, "misandry" as a personality

🚩 If she can’t express her love for women without centering men in the conversation, she hasn’t actually moved on from male validation ,she’s just rebelling against it.

7. “Relationships between women are so pure 🥺” types

🚩 She’s not seeing you, she’s idealizing you. When the reality of conflict or vulnerability hits, she’s gone. Love between two women can be messy, complicated, toxic, passionate etc. it's real and she's not ready for a real relationship.

8. Says all her exes sucked, no self-reflection

🚩 If it’s always the ex’s fault, that means she never sees her own. You’re just her next scapegoat when it falls apart.

9. Internalized homophobia too strong

🚩 If she hates herself for being into women, she will eventually take that shame out on you. No matter how loving you are, you can’t fix someone who’s convinced that loving you is wrong. You’ll just end up hurt trying to be the exception to her self-loathing.

10. Exaggerated “eww straight people” types

🚩 The ones who loudly hate straight people and gag at every straight couple they see? Don’t be fooled. That performative disgust is usually covering up unresolved attraction to men or shame about it. She’ll leave you for a man or cheat with one before you can blink.

11. Religious guilt too strong

🚩 Love shouldn't feel like a sin. If she’s still battling guilt every time she touches you,if every kiss comes with a breakdown, she’s not ready. no amount of love will make her forgive herself. it’s going to bleed into resentment or self-loathing both of which will hurt you.

12. Infantilizes herself constantly

🚩 If she clings to helplessness, always wants to be the “baby,” or refuses responsibility, you’re not her partner, you’re her babysitter.

13. Needs male validation , watch how she acts around men

🚩 If her whole vibe shifts around men : flirtier, louder, more performative. Take the hint. You're not her priority, you’ll always be second to the male gaze.

14. Male-centered taste in everything

🚩 If every book, show, movie, or artist she loves revolves around men, ask yourself where her real interests lie. Attraction to women isn't just who you date; it's also about where your attention naturally flows

15. Self-deprecating to the point of being emotionally exhausting

🚩 Everyone has insecurities, but if she needs constant reassurance, can’t take a compliment, or jokes about being unlovable 24/7, that becomes exhausting. She'll drag you into the spiral with her.

16. Thinks being gay exempts her from accountability

🚩 “I’m gay” is not a personality, nor is it a moral high ground. If she uses it to dodge criticism or paint herself as inherently good, run ,she's hiding behind identity politics.

17. Uses trauma as a shield but never takes steps toward healing

🚩 Everyone has pain. But if she refuses to take accountability for her own healing, you will drown with her.

18. Puts down women who aren’t her type to hype up the ones she prefers

🚩 If she uplifts one kind of woman by tearing down another, she doesn’t actually respect women. Her attraction is conditional, shallow, and rooted in comparison, not connection.

19. Can’t apologize when she’s wrong

🚩 If she shuts down, gets defensive, or flips the blame every time you call out hurtful behavior, she’s not emotionally mature. Accountability is a basic requirement for a healthy relationship.

20. Thinks in black and white , no room for nuance

🚩 It's either you agree with her 100% or you're suddenly “problematic” . Real adults can hold space for nuance, growth, and disagreement. If she treats every difference of opinion like a moral war, she’s not ready for a real relationship, she’s looking for control or applause.

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Your anger is valid. But staying in that emotional space doesn’t punish the people who’ve hurt or dismissed you ,it only drains you. The goal isn’t to deny your feelings, but to redirect them in a way that protects your peace.

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Comphet specifically refers to heterosexual attraction that is performed or internalized due to societal pressure, not genuine attraction. It is about being conditioned to think you should want men, not actually wanting them. If you feel attraction to men, unattainable or not, even if it’s complicated, uncomfortable or unwanted that doesn’t automatically mean it’s comphet.

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Self-respect is a filter

Think of it as a natural sorting mechanism. It draws in the aligned and filters out the destructive

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Imagine noticing something across all cultures, societies, all recorded time, every place, no matter if isolated, partially isolated, or fully under influence of other cultures, and calling that socialization.

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Ageism and Pick-Me's

Pick-me culture is a product of patriarchy, a system that teaches women their worth lies in being desirable, agreeable, and easily consumed by men. Many pick-me's internalize this deeply. They prioritize being "chosen" above all else, defining themselves by how much attention they can get from men. But there's one truth that pick-me culture never prepares women for: you won't be young forever, and male attention is fickle.

In a society that aggressively values youth and beauty, especially in women, aging becomes weaponized. And for women who have tied their identity to being the youngest, prettiest, most accommodating woman in the room, aging feels like a threat to their very existence. When the compliments slow down, when men start looking past them for someone younger, many of these women begin to feel bitter, insecure, and even angry. Not just at men, but at the younger women who are now receiving the attention they once monopolized.

But that bitterness doesn't come from nowhere ,it comes from a deep sense of loss. A loss of relevance in a system that only saw them as valuable as long as they were desirable. A loss of identity that was never rooted in self, but in how others viewed them.

This is the trap: when you build your life on external validation especially from men you are building on sand.

Many of these women have no interest in cultivating their inner worth, lasting friendships with other women, or a life filled with self-directed purpose. Instead, their goal is to be wanted, not to be whole.

That’s why so many pick-me's find themselves isolated later in life. The same men they once prioritized won’t stick around once their attention drifts to younger women. And the women they dismissed , betrayed, called bitter, jealous, or “too feminist” are the ones with solid communities, strong friendships, and self-respect intact.

The truth is: aging isn’t the enemy. Patriarchy is.

And women who find value in themselves beyond their desirability to men tend to age with more peace, freedom, and real relationships. Because when your sense of self isn’t bound to your appeal, there’s nothing to fear about growing older ,only more to embrace.

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Attraction Without Intentions is Empty: A Sapphic Perspective

Attraction is powerful, sometimes instant, sometimes slow-burning ,but on its own, it's not enough to sustain a relationship. Being drawn to women, finding them beautiful, soft, strong, magnetic, that’s one thing. But choosing to love women, to understand them, to build something with them that’s entirely different.

For many sapphic women, especially in a world where heteronormativity still dominates, there's a clear divide between being into women and being ready for women. Some people are attracted to women but haven’t done the emotional, spiritual, and internal work to fully show up for one. They want the thrill, the intimacy, the fantasy but not the vulnerability, the commitment, or the depth required to truly love and be loved by a woman.

Sapphic love asks for intentionality. It demands presence, communication, and care. Women loving women navigate not just the usual relationship terrain, but often trauma, societal erasure, internalized misogyny, or even past relationships where they were treated as second best. We deserve partners who see us not as aesthetic choices, not as curiosities, but as whole people to build with.

You can’t just desire a woman, you have to honor her. You have to want to grow with her, support her, and show up even when it’s not easy. Because attraction without intention turns into confusion, emotional neglect, or short-lived connections that leave both people empty.

In sapphic relationships, where emotional intimacy often runs deep and fast, it’s even more vital to ground that connection in real intentions. Are you ready to unpack your baggage? Are you ready to communicate, not just flirt? Are you ready to be seen, and to truly see her in return?

Attraction gets you in the door, but only intention builds a home

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The Real Cost of Being a Male-Identified Woman

There is a recurring heartbreak in witnessing women publicly suffer at the hands of men they were once warned about — not because they deserved it, but because it lays bare a brutal truth many don’t want to face: women often don’t believe other women until they have to. Until it’s them. Until the bruises aren’t metaphorical. Until the gaslighting burns through their own skin. Halle Bailey is not…

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To new sapphics: It’s okay to be inexperienced ,everyone starts somewhere. But know that it’s not your lack of experience that might turn some women off, especially those who’ve been out for years. It’s passivity.

If you’re interested in someone, show it. Ask questions, engage, take initiative. Many women, especially those who've done the emotional labor of guiding others through self-discovery aren’t looking to be someone’s teacher or coming-out guide anymore. They want mutual interest, confidence (even if it's quiet), and effort.

You don’t have to know everything ,but be present, be intentional, and be willing to meet people halfway. That makes all the difference.

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“I don’t want to talk about my attraction to women, I don’t want women to think I’m predatory…” Girly, please. She wouldn’t think twice about bringing men over and making you uncomfortable, all while pretending like it’s no big deal. She’d have no problem tricking you into situations where you’re forced to endure things you never signed up for, just to make herself feel safer or more accepted. And the second you push back? She’d paint you as the problem, the one who’s too “intense,” too “aggressive,” for simply standing up for yourself.

She wouldn’t hesitate to throw you under the bus or put you in harm’s way just to protect her own comfort and reputation. She’ll act like it’s all cool and casual, but as soon as it threatens her position, she’ll toss you aside and keep playing the victim.

And here you are, caught up in this internal battle, worried about how you might be perceived by people who would never hesitate to exploit your vulnerability for their own convenience. Stop with this nonsense. You have no obligation to protect their fragile egos or shrink yourself into a box that doesn’t fit you. The only thing you need to worry about is protecting yourself and the people who really see and value you.

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People are always going to do what they want, but I’ll always find it strange when older individuals (men or women) deliberately seek out younger people as a preference. There’s a big difference between intentionally pursuing someone younger and naturally connecting with someone who happens to be younger ,where things develop organically. The latter makes sense. The former just feels off.

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To Sapphic Women Who Want a Long-Lasting Relationship: Block Out the Noise Block out the noise.

There’s a lot of loud, contradictory, performative noise. You’ll hear endless commentary on what a sapphic relationship is supposed to look like. Who should be the more dominant one? Who should plan the dates? Who should initiate conversations? Who should carry the emotional load? Who's the “top,” the “bottom,” the “big spoon,” the “provider,” the “softer one,” the “masc one,” or the “femme one”? There’s pressure to fit into roles. Pressure to define your love by someone else’s rules. Pressure to perform a version of your relationship that feels digestible, legible, or desirable to outsiders, whether that’s your family, your friends, or the internet.

And here’s the truth: None of it matters.

You don’t owe the world a blueprint for your love. You don’t owe anyone explanations, performances, or proof. The only people who get a vote in your relationship are you and your partner. That’s it.

Forget what anyone says about how women "should" love each other. Forget the discourse. What matters is the dynamic that feels good. The rhythm that feels right. The comfort you build, the safety you provide each other, and the love that grows between you not because it looks a certain way, but because it’s honest and mutual.

Your relationship doesn’t have to follow anyone’s formula. Maybe you’re both soft-spoken. Maybe you both lead. Maybe you take turns being the strong one. Maybe one of you cries more, or plans better, or prefers giving rather than receiving affection. Maybe you’re both chaotic. Maybe you’re both grounded. Whatever it is, it’s real, and it’s yours.

The quiet truth is that nobody on the outside lives your love story. Not the strangers on social media. Not the people who whisper about your “roles.” Not even your closest friends who mean well. They aren’t the ones waking up next to your person each morning. They’re not the ones learning how to argue with grace, how to apologize with sincerity, or how to support each other through grief, fear, joy, and growth.

They aren’t the ones building something sacred—you are.

So, here’s what really matters in a long-term sapphic relationship:

Presence. Being there, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.

Respect. Not just in words, but in tone, in boundaries, and in how you handle conflict.

Commitment. Not to perfection, but to showing up. To choosing each other even when life gets messy.

Communication. Not perfect scripts, but honesty. Asking, “What do you need?” and listening. Saying, “This hurt me,” and trusting that your partner cares.

Freedom. To be soft and strong. Feminine and Masculine. Emotional and composed. Both of you, in whatever balance feels authentic.

Tenderness. A quiet kind of strength, often misunderstood or undervalued. Tenderness is what helps love last.

A relationship isn’t long-lasting because it fits an aesthetic. It’s long-lasting because both people feel seen, heard, cared for and safe. And when you choose not what looks “right” but what feels right, you give your love a real chance to thrive.

So block out the noise. Tune in to each other. Build your relationship with curiosity, grace, and intention, not comparison. Not performance. Not fear.

At the end of the day, it’s not the people in your comments, your group chats, or your timelines who are living this life with you. It’s you and your love. And that’s all that truly matters.

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“Why are you so critical of women? Men are the problem too” — relax. That’s true. But let’s be real: everything there is to say about men’s behavior, choices, and failures has been said a thousand times over. At this point, conversations about men feel tired, repetitive, and honestly? Boring. I’m not interested in giving them my energy or attention. I might make a post here and there but that's it.

Women, on the other hand, I still mostly care about. That’s why they’re my main focus because accountability, care, and critique can coexist.

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“Socialization” is not a life sentence — at some point, complicity is a choice.

Yes, we’re all shaped by patriarchy. By our families, cultures, religions, media, and the expectations we’re raised with. No one gets out of that untouched. But we have got to stop using “socialization” as a blanket excuse especially when it comes to women who enable, defend, or actively uphold harmful male behavior.

“Socialization” is not a get-out-of-critical-thinking free card. It’s not a permanent shield from accountability. Because here’s the thing: we’ve all been socialized in this mess and yet plenty of us choose to unlearn. Plenty of women question the scripts we were given. Plenty of women reject toxic dynamics, call out abuse, set boundaries, and hold men accountable, even when it's uncomfortable or isolating to do so.

So when other women - grown, conscious, exposed to information -still choose to protect abusers, ignore red flags, shame victims, or silence other women for speaking out? That’s not just socialization anymore. That’s complicity.

You can’t keep blaming your conditioning forever. Especially when the people being harmed are right there, saying “This hurts me,” and you still choose to center the comfort of the person doing the hurting. Especially when you actively raise boys without emotional tools while crushing your daughters under the weight of impossible expectations. Especially when you publicly humiliate women for leaving men who mistreated them, just to preserve some fragile illusion of “family values.”

And we need to be honest: some women benefit from proximity to male power. Some women choose to align themselves with patriarchy because it offers them a temporary sense of security, social capital, or approval even if that means throwing other women under the bus. That’s not innocence. That’s strategy. That’s internalized patriarchy weaponized outward.

We see it all the time, just to name a few:

Women defending predators in their community because “he’s a good guy to me.”

Women shaming other women for not being “ride or die” enough.

Mothers excusing their sons’ violence while over-policing their daughters’ behavior.

Entire friend groups turning on a woman who dares to name harm not because she’s wrong, but because she broke the unspoken rule of silence.

At a certain point, the refusal to unlearn is a choice. And we have to name it as such. You don’t get to call yourself “empowered” or “about women’s healing” while actively protecting the very systems that harm us.

Solidarity without accountability is just lip service. And socialization without reflection is just stagnation.

We all started in this mess. But not all of us choose to stay there.