zi-olan

[zi-olan]

Happy Out Of Touch Thursday

[zi-olan]

my traumatised transitioning non-binary ass somehow going thru both of these at once:

It’s always the most insufferably shallow men who harp on about the “male loneliness epidemic” u could never understand the depth of loneliness experienced by traumatized mentally ill young women who are late bloomers watching all their friends grow up and move on while they rot alone trying to make sense of the fact that they’re still alive

[zi-olan]

lore mode

[zi-olan]

u and my dad would get along, i think

like i'm not sure why self identified leftists can't acknowledge that the mindset "parents overworking *due to financial distress* are inherently bad people who shouldn't have kids" is not only ignorant to the impact capitalism has on the family but is what gets kids in actual loving homes placed in foster care, traumatizing them and putting them at risk of abuse. there's also the fact that no matter how you view these parents, they're going to keep existing anyway, and you can't fix the problem by saying "you stop that".

btw I could be way meaner in this post but I choose peace

[zi-olan]

holy shit that just might work.... the self-policing has been compulsive for several years now... even when the only person around is a friend or my roommate (who are obv ok with me being autistic), hell even when im the only person around, i can't stop self-policing ;-; im gonna give this a try, and hopefully find some tips about how to stop berating myself constantly & compulsively

i don't know what autistic person needs to hear this but they are not watching you. the entire world is not constantly waiting for you to do something weird and laugh at you behind your back. you do not need to constantly self-police whenever there's the slightest chance another person might see you. you have a right to be your autistic self in public spaces. stop fighting yourself for their sake.

[zi-olan]

one of the most distressing autistic experiences (personally speaking), is the paradox of being very concerned with following and respecting community rules, yet often being perceived by authorities in said community as breaking or disrespecting the rules bc of a minor infraction on one obscure rule, born out of a misunderstanding or miscommunication.

and then the paradox on top of that being how authorities across various communities repeatedly doing this crackdown to the letter of the law somehow makes me the one who is anal, fussy, and difficult.

[zi-olan]

thinking about this poem by noor hindi today.

(donate to palestine here)

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Telling myself this every day so here's a meme

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wouldn't any "real man" automatically shoot the man in this scenario anyway? who in the psychotic fuckpit would be thinking the guy that shoots the woman over the man in this scenario is "manly"? like i don't understand the point dipshits and bigots try to make with these obtuse hypotheticals (besides wasting everyone's time by tricking them into thinking they're anyone worth listening to or fretting for)

and the gender neutral soldier

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i have just about given up on trying to be in any community bc im such a disaster with socialising now. i fought it for so long, fought to not be off-putting or cringey or creepy or annoying or "too much," fought so hard just to be a part of anybody's life. but nothing i do changes how i get so so much more clumsy and dumb when im around people, how friends treat me as less than an adult or even human, how it's always "all in my head," how saying just one word for myself or about what i've been thinking or reading about makes people completely disengage. how i can never be forgiven for being guilty of everyone else's sins.

i had a diagnosis my whole life, and my whole life it has othered me. i still can't wrap my head around all the physical and emotional abuse it brought me at school, at home, even after i became an adult and went to uni, purely bc i thought it would be different. and it wasn't. now im a broken burnt out invalid who can barely do anything anymore, while everybody else is finding self-love and acceptance from the label that severed that limb off me. i mean, im happy for everyone that finds joy and sense and support and understanding from having an autism diagnosis, and i understand how not having one to open the door for the extra support one needs is frustrating and debilitating. but.... fuck. even in autistic circles i can't feel anything but that first emotion i ever learned at age 5: alienated. why did i have to be born too early....

because my symptoms are undesirable and worsening, bc my experiences are too negative and isolating, bc my vibe is just always creepy no matter how desperately i dont want to be, not even the neurodivergence movement is for me. nothing in this world is for me. nothing ever will be. im just supposed to get over myself while everyone and everything around me won't let me forget myself, ig

shoutout to offputting autistic people

[zi-olan]

I got to hold a 500,000 year old hand axe at the museum today.

It's right-handed

I am right-handed

There are grooves for the thumb and knuckle to grip that fit my hand perfectly

I have calluses there from holding my stylus and pencils and the gardening tools.

There are sharper and blunter parts of the edge, for different types of cutting, as well as a point for piercing.

I know exactly how to use this to butcher a carcass.

A homo erectus made it

Some ancestor of mine, three species ago, made a tool that fits my hand perfectly, and that I still know how to use.

Who were you

A man? A woman? Did you even use those words?

Did you craft alone or were you with friends? Did you sing while you worked?

Did you find this stone yourself, or did you trade for it? Was it a gift?

Did you make it for yourself, or someone else, or does the distinction of personal property not really apply here?

Who were you?

What would you think today, seeing your descendant hold your tool and sob because it fits her hands as well?

What about your other descendant, the docent and caretaker of your tool, holding her hands under it the way you hold your hands under your baby's head when a stranger holds them.

Is it bizarre to you, that your most utilitarian object is now revered as holy?

Or has it always been divine?

Or is the divine in how I am watching videos on how to knap stone made by your other descendants, learning by example the way you did?

Tomorrow morning I am going to the local riverbed in search of the appropriate stones, and I will follow your example.

The first blood spilled on it will almost certainly be my own, as I learn the textures and rhythm of how it's done.

Did you have cuss words back then? Gods to blaspheme when the rock slips and you almost take your thumbnail off instead? Or did you just scream?

I'm not religious.

But if spilling my own blood to connect with a stranger who shared it isn't partaking in the divine

I don't know what is.

[zi-olan]

Some character designs with some…atypical color choices? I guess. I don’t know what’s going on in that area.

This is Nimona and her supervillain friend (He doesn’t have a name yet, I’m working on that). Nimona is his sidekick/squire, they’re like the Batman and Robin of slightly Medieval villains, but she’s actually way more evil than him. He does what he does to make a point, and he doesn’t really want anyone get hurt - Nimona just gets a kick out of destroying stuff.

I’m going to attempt to make a two page comic with them? We’ll see how this goes.

[zi-olan]

my poe lesbian ass getting out of canada's shitbed to storm the boston harbour (im bringing other lesbians that are hotter than me, dw):

My sister sent this to me, and as a lesbian in MA I can't say anything lmao

[zi-olan]

meme i made years ago still holds true

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bet he's an asshole

that bullshits a haiku when

asked how his day was

[zi-olan]

it's not done, but fuck it, i sure am. im dropping my first collection of poetry here, a poem every 3 days, so that should buy me 6 months' time of peace of mind away from this site.

if u want to read more stuff like this, and especially if u DONT wanna read more of my miserable poetry, then i have a ko-fi u could toss a few coins to so i can get started on my next project (a travel log where i visit various sites of significance to earth & human prehistory):

tho i must stress, if u only have enough to spare for one donation, the palestinian people need the money more than me, so dont be like me, be cool and helpful.