#incorrect dc universe quotes

[arguablysomaya]

Tim (about Kon): I can fix him.

Cassie: You are literally worse.

[daemonmage]

Bruce about to reveal his identity to the JL

Bruce: “I’m going to do something that may traumatize two of you. I am not sorry.”

Oliver: “oh come on Batman your identity isn’t that special.”

Bruce going full whiny play boy: “Dinah! Ollie is being mean to me!!!”

Oliver: blue screens

Dinah: “YOU BITCH!?”

[unidentifiedgothamite]

duke: who do you guys think is bruce's favorite child?

jason: it's probably fingerstripes

dick: me?! it's obviously you, jay

tim: it's jason

steph: facts. b lets him get away with everything, including murder

cass: jason

damian: as much as i loathe to admit it, father does treat todd differently

jason: ya'll are trippin'

meanwhile...

clark: b, just curious, but, do you have a favorite child?

bruce: hn, what date is it?

clark: um, may 12th?

bruce: then it's batcow

clark: what

bruce: did i stutter?

[cablecar-s]

Jason and Tim fighting about something

Jason: Yeah? Well YOU'RE adopted!

Tim more or less about to lose his shit: We're ALL ADOPTED

Damian in the background about to speak up

Tim: You're not a part of this

Damian: >:[

[batfamilycannons]

Bruce *storming in, burnt and covered in ash*: Where is your brother?

Damian and Tim: tf??

Tim: uh I think Jason’s in the library?

Bruce: no not him the other one

Dick, *scurries past the door*

Bruce: RICHARD JOHN GRAYSON why did you set my bed on fire

Dick: You deserve it!!

[iwannabealice]

clark: i met this boy last night that seemed to really hate you

bruce: that could be anyone, what did he look like?

clark: tall, white, dark hair, really big-

bruce: ah, that’d be jason. my son

[vivianthepigeon]

Tim: “I need to tell you something”

Bruce: “What did you do??”

Tim: “when Alfred was doing our taxes he noticed a missing check”

Bruce: “what did you do???”

Tim: “Before I answer do you trust me enough to understand that it was for a good reason and just leave it at that?”

Bruce: “What. Did. You. Do.”

Tim: “it’s all Jason’s fault! He is a BAD person, I’ve been telling you for years!”

—————

Bruce to Jason: “WHAT DID YOU DO?”

Jason: “okay now before I answer that-“

Bruce: “just tell me whatcha did”

Jason: “I got a DUI”

Bruce: “Jason!”

Jason: “it’s not as bad as it sounds”

Bruce: “How is driving drunk not bad???”

Jason: “I wasn’t exactly driving”

Bruce: “I don’t follow.”

Jason: “I was at the bar with Damian and I had a few”

Bruce: “DAMIAN?!”

—————

Damian: “With God as my witness I’ve never been to that bar in my life.”

Jason: “He knows.”

Damian: “Oh I’ve been there a bunch”

[dickgraysonmybeloved]

Jason, laying in the lounge, bat boys sleep over (duke couldn’t join them): do you think cows like to sing?

Tim, on his phone definitely not sleeping: it's 3am, go back to sleep

Jason, defensive: they can moo, so they must be good at opera!

Dick, who’s secretly been awake starts mooing opera style, it’s awful:

Damian, shaking awake: WHERE'S THE COW-

[sodamnbored]

Damian, entering the living room: Oh, Drake. I didn’t realise you were here too.

Tim, distracted on his phone on the couch: Yeah, best WiFi around. Keeping busy?

Damian, looking in cupboards and chandeliers for acrobatic older brothers: Looking for Dick.

Tim absently, not looking up from Grindr: Mm, me too.

[rad-batson]

Tim: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!!

Damian: Dick said he wants me to try acting my age

Tim: So you’re having a tea party with your pet cow in the living room?!

Damian: I looked it up. Kids have tea parties. I’m having a tea party.

Tim: Why are you doing this??

Damian: To get a good grade in acting my age, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve.

Alfred: Would Master Batcow care for some more finger sandwiches?

[fleur-dans-la-nuit]

Damian: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

Dick: Damian, no.

Jason: Mistlefoe.

Dick: Please stop encouraging him.

[arguablysomaya]

tim: bart, may I manipulate you to prove a point? bart: sure! I'm always down to be manipulated tim: aw, thanks, bart! you're a good friend bart: and you're a really good manipulator! we go hand in hand cassie: ...something seems off in that sentence, I can't put my finger on it

[i-am-traveling-the-multifandom]

Nightwing: "I don’t think we can mansplain, manipulate, or malewife our way out of it this time." Red Hood, cracks his knuckles: "Manslaughter it is."

[frappegoddess]

Tim and Damian sneak into Dick's apartment after patrol without him knowing.

They have a big fat fight because Damian called Tim a troglodyte after Tim wore his shoes in the house and tracked in dirt.

The fight ends with Damian hurling a baterang at Tim, who was standing in front of the TV, which then breaks and they don't have the courage to tell Dick because they know he'll snitch to Bruce, instead they steal a TV from Bruce's study.

The job unwillingly uniting the brothers for a short amount of time, they left thinking they were slick.

2 weeks later Dick is over at the Manor wondering why all that was on his TV was British Rom-Coms and animal planet (and a news channel that tracks Superman's every move. 👀👀👀)

[unidentifiedgothamite]

dick: what are you guys doing?

tim, frozen in surprise, as damian struggled against his bonds, apples scattered around them: uh... it's not what it looks like

steph, oblivious: i got it! he's 11 apples tall

jason, a little shit: damn, we were one off. i thought it'd be 10

[batfamilycannons]

Dick*the eldest daughter reaching a breaking point and it was this or manslaughter*: Due to my emotional trauma, I have decided I will be reverting back to my childhood Goblin lifestyle

Jason*always one for chaos*: Good for you

Bruce*traumatized from the first time not sure if he can survive a pt.2*: oh no

Tim*never left his Menace Lifestyle and is very exited to help cause more problems*: yay!

Bruce*even more scared*: oh no