12-paws

[12-paws]

A little tribute to the ones lost.

What was supposed to be the happiest day of the year, turned into the worst experience for both Chloé and us. She was pregnant of 3 baby bengals and we thought everything was fine. She even got an echo late the night before she started labor. She was so strong and brave, but the first kitten that came out was dead, born with an open back. The second was so skinny it was basically a shell of a kitten and she was also dead. The last kitten was born alive and I assisted Chloé as she severed the umbilical cord, only to discover this kittens back was also completely open. It was about 7.30 in the morning and we rushed to the vet. I still remember the meows of the little kitten fighting for its life. Unfortunately the kitten had to be put down. Chloé didn't get to blossom as a mother after all that hard work and pain. We lost a future of expanding our family.

It is crazy how much this hurts, yet in such a different way than losing a regular pet. The first day I was beside myself. Begging, pleading to give me a baby, because I felt like my heart wasn't going to survive without one. Safe to say I survived, even though it felt impossible.

Chloé is doing fine, as fine as a cat can be after losing her first babies. She cuddles with me a lot and started grooming me. Her meow changed completely. She has already stopped looking at the spot where she gave birth. Her sister, Carlos, sometimes just sits there staring, like she knows.

I buried them in my parents garden next to my dog. My dog was obsessed with babies.

The day after we lost the babies I also lost my job, but that felt like the least important thing ever. At least I get to spend some more time with Chloé while I search for another job...

[12-paws]

Meet Chloé, my newest kitty cat!

[12-paws]

New hair, new me!

Feeling high and mighty with black hair. Definitely in a "the pretty reckless" rock mood. Gonna be a bit rock and roll for a while

[12-paws]

It's my birthday so I decided to change something

[12-paws]

This blog was just so I could connect with people and document my life. But I've gotten to the part where I strongly believe that I don't deserve to be alive. I fucked everything up. Yes I might have been tormented, abused by my brother for a decade while all my friends took his side and my parents refused to see that he is a sociopath. If they had been able to see that moment in Italy where I had run from the waiting line to collect myself because he was forcing me to lose my calmth. And how he followed me with that cruel smile and pushed me off of the rocks I was sitting on. And then how he chased me around the park making me feel like I was a character in a horror movie trying not to be slaughtered. He has made me feel like I was worth nothing. He enjoyed my pain. And my fucking parents still try and pretend, believe, that he actually cares about me beyond being his little toy to torment. I love them, but I hate them so much for never being there for me. Believing me. Actually punishing their son for what he has done to me. I am broken. I will foreverr be broken because of this.  I wonder... Would i be this broken, this hurt if someone actually helped this little hurt teenage girl? I learned not to fight back because he would only hurt me more. If I die it's going to be on them. The people I asked to help me so many times, but refused to believe me. I have been in therapy so many times in my life. And it helped, for a while, but I always come back to this point where I feel like I am better off dead. Maybe life isn't just for everyone? I'm in so much pain. I don't know what to do with myself. 

[12-paws]

Feeling so depressed. I've been low for a week now, but yesterday was a dark day. Crying hysterically because a little voice in my head kept reminding me that once I kill myself all my pain and suffering will be over. How I don't deserve to be alive. Today is a bit better, but the pressure of debt and the bills that keep coming, the college diploma that still feels so much out of reach, it's just too much. Why do we live in a society where money is so important that the lack of it can be powerful enough to drive people to kill themselves? Sometimes I wish I was never born so I didn't have to go through all the trauma I have expierenced over the course of my life. 

[12-paws]

Feeling a little gothic at work rn

[12-paws]

When you're just chilling in your appartment, that happens to be above the place you work at, and the bell rings. Your intercom doesn't work so you open the door and next thing you know two of your managers are standing in front of your door... I am actually surprised that they knew which number I live at, because I haven't told anybody at work and I haven't changed my adres in my files yet. (They probably came to my house because my phone is dead and I dont give a damn about that as long as I can watch netflix) 

[12-paws]

I just realized that Germany is such an underrated country to visit. You might nod at the waitress because you think she's asking if the food is good, but instead she brings you another beer. They don't ask you, "what do you want to drink?" They ask you what kind of beer do you want. I've visited Germany so many times growing up, but now I'm almost 25 and here alone and I just see it differently. The gorgeous nature that brings me peace, the nice people. Even though you don't speak the same language you both try and laugh about it. Tomorrow will be my last day in Germany until I travel back from Italy (gotta buy my favorite coffee liqueur). I will be in Tübingen tomorrow meeting a girlfriend I met om Tumblr. We have so much in common that deed down I have developed the fear she might be an old dude. But I know everything will be fine. I will be sleeping at the house of a girl I met on couchsurfing. She's a writer too and I can't wait to talk about writing.

Even though I love traveling, I miss my boyfriend and my cats.

[12-paws]

So the 17th I'm leaving in car. It's going to be just me and the open road. I'm going to meet new people, see new places, try some good food and probably have the best time of my life.

In case I end up like Elisa Lam this here will be where you guys can try to figure out clues revolving around my mysterious death (or less fun, disappearance). I am taking a lot of safety precautions, but you never know ahead if you're gonna die, you know. But if I die I just want you to know, whoever is reading this, I wanted to go out either with a bang or in a way that interest curious minds like mine.

If you have fun places for me to go, I am traveling from the Netherlands down through Belgium, Luxembourg and France to the black forest. So I will mainly be close to the German border and in Germany.

[12-paws]

I moved in March and this place is two times as big and the cats love it sooo much. They love running up and down the stairs chasing each other. I love the bigger kitchen and the fact that I have my own room so I can finally have my drawing stuff with me and start drawing again. I haven't done that in so long.

So okay this is the living room and I'm going for this very crowded wall vibe with a whole lot of plants. I just gotta wait until I got some more dough before I can buy more plants and racks for on the wall, it's not as I have visioned, but I have got to trust the process.

[12-paws]

It's the first time in years that I have been able to read like I have done now. The book has not captured me like the hunger games series did when I was 14, but it's a start. I have wanted to sit down an read a book for so long, but I could never get myself to read more than 5 pages. Now I'm at page 134 and I did that in 2 days.

The book is mortal instruments: city of Bones if anyone wanted to know. I chose it because of the Netflix series Shadowhunters.

[12-paws]

Last night was so beautiful

[12-paws]

Got my second big tasty after my tomatoes were covered in mold 🤢 thanks mcdonalds

[12-paws]

Your eyes are adorable Ms.

Thank you so much mister 💕

[12-paws]

Anyone at Disney this weekend? 😂

[12-paws]

Not me feeling cute af