18goingon38

[18goingon38]

Part 12: well today I asked Z if he could give D a pep talk about school since he’s behind. Z said no cause it won’t work, which hurts me because like if D was our real son... would he not give his own son a pep talk? Really concerning and upsetting because he told me he would do this with me and it feels like he isn’t. We fight over everything, I’m so drained from juggling everything that fighting with him just really breaks me. I don’t know what to do, I asked for help and got declined- so I’ll probably never ask for help again so that’s good. I’m just so numb I don’t have anything to say. Think I’m gonna take D and sleep at my bff’s tonight. Atleast she will lay in bed with me and cuddle me as we fall asleep.

[18goingon38]

Part 11

This will be another rant about Z. Not about him not helping around the house or not having a job. No this one hurts more. This one hurts in my soul. As I’ve said before I do what I need, then I go lay in my bed known as purgatory. He sees me walk into our room, he says his “hey babe” “hey” I always say back. Then I put my purse and things down, and get onto the bed. It’s a cycle. I do it everyday. He’s over by the tv playing his ps4, doesn’t even look behind himself to look at me and say hey babe. I don’t even know how he hears me walk in bc when I try to talk to him from purgatory he won’t hear me until I’ve raised my voice. Now my voice is raised, not because I’m mad, bc I want his attention. But he only hears a loud voice coming from me. Now he’s mad bc he thinks I’m mad. I’m not fucking mad I’m sad over here wallowing in my depression in our bed that feels like it’s only mine. The bed is my nest, the place my thoughts poison me, my body aches, my headboard lined with alcohol cans. Point is, if I’m home and not busy, I will be in the bed. The bed is where I feel I’m “off work” because everything is work now. I rot there as Z plays with his friends and watches YouTube and I long for him to lay next to me so I feel like I’m in a bed and not in my sad nest. I’ll walk past him, I’ll send him memes, I’ll buy us food, but he still doesn’t come comfort me. He knows when something is wrong, because it constantly is. But no compassion, no leaving in the middle of a game to pull me out of the trenches. I’m just so fucking hurt that there are 5 total people in our house, I am the support and love system for all 4 other people and not a damn one is that for me. It hurts the most of course he isn’t for me. I need a support and love system too. It’s supposed to be him. He’s supposed to be my other half and pick up where I leave off. He’s supposed to want to have full attention on me like I do him. There is no excuse for him not having time to give me his full attention when I do everything for everyone in this goddamn house and every single fucking one of them gets my full attention. I got home at 5 yesterday. At 5:17 he walked back over to his game and got back on. You know what we did for those 17 min? Smoked a blunt. I tried to drop hints that I wanted to hang out. Guess what time he got off? 11:45. We smoked a blunt and it was time for me to go to bed. I got a total of 32 minutes. But last night D really picked up I wasn’t okay. He watched movies with me and listened to my frustrations. He even spoke up to Z and told him “if I had a girlfriend I would always give her my attention ESPECIALLY when she needs it” Z replied “she’s like my wife” and D said something that really struck me. He said “if she’s your wife that’s an even better reason why you should be over there with her.” Hes 14. And understands. I just told him to drop it bc Z wasn’t getting what D was truly saying. He was really saying “if you love her so much why aren’t you showing it.” He kept arguing with Z and D just said “I said it because I want to. I need to.” And it amazed me. D is my love and support system. My little brother made me so proud when he said that because he understands the importance of making sure people are okay and spending time with them when they just don’t want to be alone. Z and I will probably fight. Not sure I’ll let you know

[18goingon38]

Part 10

Too much has happened. In the regards of my brother, that’s perfectly fine. He’s happy, healthy, and home. The woman M has realized I’m not evil, I’m no thief, and I’m no liar. We have a fine line of respect now which is more than I thought we could have. My great grandmother is slipping, her age is showing. She’ll be 87 in December, she only remembers me but everyone else is a bit foggy until she gets a good look at you. She doesn’t have long even though I need her here longer. That’s life and I’ve accepted it. Death isn’t something I run from, death is peace. Death, makes everything no longer your problem. But other events have happened. Life changing, heart wrenching, emotionally draining, events. Firstly my best friend was riding her motorcycle and another rider side swiped her. She’s alive and she’s still a bad ass but the universe said if I leave you her, I must take her leg. It’s hard for me to even write this. I take care of her too now, she needs me more than ever. Her left arm is broken and her left left was amputated right above the knee. I’m nothing but grateful that I can still come home and see her. But the toll of working 2 jobs, taking care of elderly, a teenager being home schooled, and now an amputee, has really hit. I’ve forgotten myself. In more ways than just “I forgot to take a shower” “I forgot to brush my teeth” I’ve forgotten me. I’ve lost my sense of self because everyone but myself needs me right now. I wake up, give medications, change into work clothes, go to work, come home and check on them. Get them what they need, help them do anything, and comfort them because all three are going through something terrifying. Whether it’s dying, puberty, or healing. After they are taken care of i either go to my second job, or I go to my room. Lay on my bed, and that’s when it hits. That’s when the numbness comes. When I feel like there is absolutely nothing in me. Not happiness, not sadness, anger, anxiety, gratefulness, joy, or anything you can think of. It’s like purgatory. I’m not in hell but I’m not in heaven. I’m just there. Breathing is the only thing I can always get done for myself. But it feels like I breathe to make sure I’m still here when I hear one of them call for me. I get so lost in the trench I call my thoughts that I’m stuck until I hear “J!” Or I hear A rolling into my room on her wheelchair. Or D needs help on his school work. I help them with a smile on my face, let them know I love them because I do. Then I turn around, I feel the mask come off, and I walk back to my bed. All for it to start again. Now you might be wondering “what about Z?” Yes Z is still here. Z had a job and things were going well, he got fired. We got him another better job with my brother in law. He went for one day. Since that he’s been at home, playing video games. Now I’m not mad he wants to get into the field he wants to be in forever. I’m mad that I don’t see effort, ambition, a drive to be better. I’ve supported him for 4 years. Everyday he promised me that he would make it up to me. I don’t doubt he will, but I doubt it will be soon. And that’s not how I want it to be. I don’t want to be paid back, I don’t want to be spoiled, I don’t want to stay home and cook,clean, take care of everybody and repeat. I do it ALL and I do it all NOW. He does nothing. Why has everything fallen on me? “It’s bc you’re strong enough J.” “You can handle it” “you’re the strongest person I know” while it feels good to hear it, I don’t want to. I don’t want to be strong anymore, I don’t want to be everyone’s saving grace, I don’t want it. I don’t want the responsibility, I don’t want the stress, I don’t want this life. I feel like a different version of myself, a stranger. I feel like the true me has been suppressed and a front has created itself. I don’t crack many jokes anymore, not good ones anyways. I don’t create art anymore, nothing inspires me. I don’t listen to music, I don’t have the time. I don’t watch the same shows anymore, i cant focus when I’m numb. I don’t love myself because I’m not myself.

[18goingon38]

Wonder Woman

When someone needs help they turn to me.

Wherever I may be, you see.

I’ll break my back,

I’ll make it all clean,

When something’s out of wack,

You call me to the scene .

But I wasn’t made for these acts.

I don’t want to be mean.

I need help too, cant you believe?

I’m treated like a hero,

Always on the screen.

I can never be at zero,

Even if I’m only a teen.

Too many counting on me,

Isn’t this obscene?

I’m not Wonder Woman,

I need to care about me.

But I can’t do that,

I have to keep up the act.

I guess she and I are the same,

They always ask the one with the best aim.

But I’m living for others, not for me.

Though I love them, I’m not what I seem.

I hurt, I’m scared, I still bleed.

Please stopping treating me like Wonder Woman,

And treat me like me.

J.W.

[18goingon38]

Part 9

Been a while since I updated, but everything has been going realitively good. Court goes great everyone’s settled. But I just don’t feel at home anywhere anymore. I feel like I’m not on this earth to live my life. It feels like I’m destined to just live for the people that are around me. Like I went to the ritz last night for the breathe Carolina show. It was amazing and I had the best of times with my friends. I was genuinely happy for the 12 hours I wasn’t “home.” As soon as I get home it’s “where’s Jada” this that and the other. I got in at like 6:45 and I got woken up at 8. And every one knew I was going to a concert so I would be sleeping in. Like I just don’t feel apart of a family it just feels like these people live here and I just deal with everything for them. Z told me he would do the dishes for me so I could go bc there’s a lot I’ve got to do around here. I didn’t want to go bc of all of that stuff but z told me I should go have fun and not worry about it. He didn’t do the dishes. So now I gotta worry about it. I wanted to tell him how good of a time I had before I had to be a bitch and call him out. “I said I’d help you” like no bro you said you would do them when I was gone. Doesn’t clean the litter box, doesn’t take out the trash, the dishes, feed the animals, make food, or any fucking thing he could be doing to help relieve my stress. I’m just over this life and I feel like I was put here to be used by everyone. Idk but the bottom line is I just don’t want to be here anymore, here as in anywhere. I just want to be happy without having to literally leave and make myself forget about my family for a night. I’m alive bc I’m obligated for D and I got hardy styles tickets. Someone who means so much to me and I’ve dreamt of seeing live. That’s what drives me to the next day. I’m falling again.

[18goingon38]

8

Well I’m part 7 I mentioned my gma had an apartment to rent to me. Which yes!!!!! She does and she said it’s so close to being finished. (Repainting and fixing minor problems) first month free too. I was ranting about my life taking care of an 84 year old while trying to get my 13 year old, and also working full time and keeping up with the house. And she asked me if I’d want to live there... LIKE FUCK YEAH THATS WHAT IM GETTING AT GRANDMA!!! So hopefully that will come soon. I’ve been manifesting somewhere for us to live in harmony and without having to walk on eggshells all of the time. No getting bitched at for not giving someone their medicine but they went to sleep at 7pm before dinner. Like I just need to live. I’m in fucking purgatory right now and if this stays longer than another month I can almost promise you I will kill myself. :(:

Also this gif is exactly what Z and I look like when I’m having a breakdown.

[18goingon38]

7

Yeah that cousin from Georgia? He randomly showed up last night while D was getting picked up. No police escort tho huh bitch? Barely has said anything to me and Z and I just feel like we’re being watched and judged. Fuck blood it don’t mean shit. He don’t associate with us or anything. Now you want to randomly show up??? After EDC??? Yeah I see why you came for real asshole. You’re rich as fuck but you just had to stay with us when you could afford a hotel for the week? No call or text to say he’s coming, just completely unannounced and waltzed right into my house. Yeah fuck you. Everyone wants to preach family is everything but I’m the only one trying to be a family and be nice. You’re all hateful as fuck and I’m tired of it. My gma on my dads side is gonna rent me an apartment and I’m getting the FUCK out of that house. Y’all want to come at me and threaten me? That’s fucking fine cause all of the bills are in my name and when I move out y’all can take care of her and y’all can get shit together again. I’m done. Fuck you K, Fuck you M, Fuck you mother, and not a fuck you to my great gma but a big “I’m disappointed in how this turned out” because when I leave who’s gonna give her her medicine twice a day? Who’s gone cook her dinner? Who’s gonna feed the dogs? Who’s gonna clean? Who’s gonna do the shopping? WHO? That’s fucking right. Not one soul. Nobody will, but I did. I learned a huge lesson, worry about you and yours, no one else. Z and I got D and that’s all we’re worried about.

[18goingon38]

6

Well my great grandmothers sister is out to get me for no apparent reason. She called my cousin in Georgia and has him against me too. She fed him all lies saying we were squatting there and put it out to be like we were trying to take her house away from her and put her on the streets. That can’t be any farther from the truth. I’m literally doing everything in my power to find us all somewhere to go that’s safe. They just want to kick me out so she can stay there by herself even though she can’t take care of herself. She leaves the stove on and falls asleep or forgets about it, she’s fallen many times now and has broken bones, she can’t work her tv really anymore because she can’t see, but they want me to leave the picture even though I’m trying to find something in her best interest. It’s just bullshit how I try to do everything for everyone and people still hate me. I don’t know what else to do, I used to worry about myself and that’s it. I figured maybe that’s why life was so shitty, I need to help other because I can. Now that I’m doing that, I’m getting the shortest end of any stick. My help just isn’t wanted. My grandmother doesn’t want me to leave tho, she’s on my side in this whole thing because she is a gentle soul. I called L finally as I was having a panic attack driving home from work to go get my finger prints taken for D. I let like she was my last resort and I think it was the best thing for me to do. She’s hopefully gonna get us a house that her and her boss just finished. I honestly would just rather move somewhere else and not have to deal with this. I thought staying in our childhood home would do more good things for the family than bad. Me trying to help started a war and I just can’t comprehend why or how. L is supposed to let me know today what her boss says, I hope it’s good news. My cousin said he would fly down here “with a police escort and have anyone who dare still loiter leave the premises” like why are you so nasty to someone who’s trying to help??? So I have until the 14th to leave. Even though I have a lease and I can stay there because my grandmother says so. I just don’t want to be there anymore, it’s not a home to me anymore which is heart breaking. I have 6 days to just be gone. And then the process for getting D starts over again.

[18goingon38]

5

Well today 10-1-19 my great grandmother told me she’s getting discharged in 2 weeks. Im not sure what I’m going to do. If she comes back there’s no room for z and I. This could mean I don’t get D at all. I don’t know where we will go or where she might go. I don’t know anything anymore. I’m numb. The universe told me I needed to get my brother so I started that journey, now that I’m SOOOO close it’s throwing me this curve ball of the century. I’m happy that she’s not in the home anymore but is fucking my shit up. Z told me maybe this is what the universe wants. If so I can’t live with it at this point bc my baby brother won’t have any family. I feel tempted to call L. Even though I basically hate her now I know she would have the best advice. I just don’t know anymore. I almost don’t care anymore. I just can’t for any longer. I know no ones probably reading this but please pray for us. To whatever higher power you have, we need them all.

[18goingon38]

4

It’s The weekend before court. I’ve grown more grey hairs in 5 days than I have in my whole, short, life. I got the water and internet in my name, and the trash. I’m a real adult now. Fucking terrifying. I go to work and come home, do what I need to, and hang out with Z. At this point I don’t feel anything. The panic attacks happen daily, I’m just numb. Depression is something I’ve dealt with for many years now. It comes in waves and then it goes, Not this time. The waves crashed but it’s high tide for me now. Not only am I thinking about raising D, I’m thinking about me. What about what I could’ve achieved? The places I wanted to see? The shows I wanted to go to? Moving away from this haunted city? What about me and Z starting a family? What about us getting married? What about me?? Fuck L. She only cares about herself. Everything she put me through, all the things I had to see, were for this.

[18goingon38]

3

That Friday was the first panic attack. It’s so overwhelming, how am I going to buy him a car? How am I going to heal his heart breaks? How am I going to pay for his graduation? So many thoughts and questions just hurdling through my head. The day I got the call I was going to sign up for college. I had a bright futures scholarship that would’ve paid my tuition. Like I said I did things different than my mom, I had a plan. Now 4 days later instead of thinking of me it was all about D. How will I help with his college? It was about 20 minutes of just pure anxiety, trembling, crying, yelling, and hurting. Z is the best. He just held me and talked me down “we’re gonna get through this. You hear that? We both are” I told him this could happen last year. He never backed down. 3 years ago he didn’t sign up to be a dad to my brother, he signed up to love me and be with me. He’s doing just that. Knowing I’m not alone helps. I’ve got a great support team behind me. Willing to do whatever they can to help. Even though I have help at my disposal, I can’t bring myself to really ask for it. I’ve never liked asking for help, I’m strong and hard headed and like to be independent. We do have a roommate, let’s call her A. I’ve known her since 2nd grade, we grew up together even though she had to move away. We still made time for each other and her mom was my mom & vice versa. Her siblings are mine just like D is her brother. She’s with us to help and make it more stable. You grow up and make your own families I always heard, I didn’t really think mine would be like this.

[18goingon38]

2

For starters, I figured I should shed some light on what brought this situation. Last year some shit went down, real long story. Basically L was sent to jail and D was left in DCF custody. Our family friend who we will call P took him in. L had a year to finish her case plan to get D back. 9 months later- no progress. I took her to court, I visited my brother whenever I could, I helped however I could. About a month ago she lied about getting unsupervised visits. The court found out and an emergency hearing was scheduled. One day Z and I were laying in our bed (at my bffs house, we lived there) and I get a call from P and D. They told me about what L did and P told me it’s up to me now. This same day I got a lease signed from my great grandma in order for us to stay at her house (she’s in assisted living now, 84 years old❤️) This day has changed my life forever. This day we cleaned the house. After I had to fight with my great aunt who didn’t want us staying in my family home. I had to call the cops on her, she still refused to give me to keys, she called me a child and said I “worked for a living.” What child works for a living??? Yes I’m 18 years old but I grew up when I was 7. Watching L get beat up by whatever boyfriend she had at the time. I can remember waking up when D was a baby, I heard banging, gasps for air, and whimpering. I walked into their room and there I saw T (D’s dad) strangling our mom. I was 4. It’s etched into my brain like a wood carving. That’s only the first time I remember seeing L be abused. One man tried to kill her, actually. He tried to throw her over a railing at an apartment complex. One man mentally abused her, beat her down so low I thought we’d never get to leave. That one ended up getting too drunk at a bar one night and accidentally killed a man on a bike. He’s in prison till I’m 25 for manslaughter. But back to the point, we cleaned and then I had to go buy new locks. We packed all of our stuff, we packed all of my grandmothers stuff, and we started to move in. This day was only a week from the court date. There was no hesitation in me that I was going to try and get D. A year ago when this first started I told everyone, that if L doesn’t pull through, I will take him. He doesn’t deserve to be put through this, to go into the foster system, to live without people that love him, to have to go to school wondering if his mom even loves him anymore. It shattered me that I had to live up to my promise, not because I didn’t want to break it. But because L really didn’t pull through this time. She was my mother too. She just stopped fighting for the 3 things she’s supposed to cherish. Yeah we also have a younger brother who we’ve barely met, she said she would fight for custody when he turned a year old. He’s 8 now. I should’ve known it was a matter of time before she just didn’t want to worry about kids anymore. She had me at 18. I was a mistake, a failed abortion, but that’s okay with me now. She never got to grow up, and I don’t think she ever will. I was the kid that sat with the friends playing cards when they had parties. I was the kid that took shots of Kool Aid when the adults were drinking. She was a kid trying to grow up while raising another kid. I won’t front, I’m just like her. I laugh like her, I say stuff like her, we like the same stuff, but I never idolized her. I’ve never ever wanted to be like her. I cringe when people tell me I look like my mom. I shutter when they say I’m her mini me. My whole life I tried to do stuff the opposite as her. L had the world at her hands, she could’ve done so much. But she didn’t make the right choices. When I was brought the same choices I didn’t make the same mistakes as her. We’ll talk more about her later, the day I got the call it was a Monday, by Thursday Z and I were sleeping in our new house. It was a good time, we felt like we were in the next step of growing up. The next day, Friday, is when it really hit me. I’m going to be a mom. To a 13 year old boy.

[18goingon38]

1

I’m making this because I’m currently trying to win guardianship over my 13 year old brother. I’m making this blog so I can express what I’m going through and anyone else that has to endure something like this, I hope this helps you too. There will be a lot of names mentioned so I’m going to make it easier to keep track without putting peoples names out there. You can call me J. My boyfriend will be Z, my brother will be D, our mother will be L. All of my friends and other family I’ll explain when it comes to them.