a-path-to-recovery

[a-path-to-recovery]

More Work Depression

Ya so work has been actually great for the last couple of months. In one of my last posts I wrote about how one of my favorite managers had gotten fired and how tensions and everything were super high and how I was really scared that I wouldn’t enjoy work anymore. Well within the next couple days we got two new fill in managers from another store and while it did take a bit of adjusting to them we grew to absolutely love them. I personally feel as if I connected with one of them very well and today was his last day at our store. H e was the first male manager I had worked around and when he first started it scared me because I am generally very uncomfortable around adult men just because of my past. Well he grew to be such a bright spot in my life just being somebody that I could trust and somebody that I could laugh with at work and have a good time with. I actually started to trust another adult male and now he is leaving and I am again feeling very lost and lonely and depressed. It also doesn’t help that a lot of my regular life is flaring up as well. UGH why does it always have to be like this.

[a-path-to-recovery]

Just in case you needed to hear this:

You matter

You are important

You deserve the best

You are amazing

You are important

You are special

You are worthwhile

I care

I am here for you

I will listen

It was not your fault

You are not to blame for what happened

Never ever give up

Life gets better

Storms don’t last forever

[a-path-to-recovery]

Can I just rest my head on your shoulder and forget about the world around us?

Annedi Bergsma (just you and I)

[a-path-to-recovery]

Today was a day, a day in which I cried...

So here's the deal, I lost it today. I cried for a while just angry at the world and angry at myself and overall just super depressed about everything. I woke up this morning and my parents and me living with them once upon a time all seemed like some dream that never actually happened. I miss it so much and sometimes I forget the feeling of what it was like living there. I saw a quote today that basically said a strong person is a person who walks alway, a person who doesn't fight for somebody who broke them so badly to be in their lives again. I feel like I sort of disagree, or I guess I may just not be strong. I'm trying to think of things in my future that don't involve them that will make me happy to remind myself that I don't need them in my life to be happy. Things like traveling with my own family one day, buying my first home, decorating my first home, having my own children. But everything still hurts an incredible amount. I hope this is something that will pass soon. I feel like my meds are just not working anymore.

[a-path-to-recovery]

How can something feel like a nightmare and the perfect dream all at the same time?

My 3 am lonely thoughts

[a-path-to-recovery]

June 28, 2017

Today was rough... not going to sugar coat that.

I woke up to a quiet house as my mom and sisters were out at the grocery store. I enjoyed the quiet and took a shower and got ready for work. My mood was very low this morning as I was missing my family and in particular my father. I was missing him but also angry at him that he could break all of his promises like it was nothing. I keep wanting to text him just to say I love you and i don’t know... just talk to him. My friends say that it is a bad idea considering how he has treated me within the last few weeks in particular, they have called him a real douchebag and dick. My friend also texted me about how much better I seemed to be doing recently and that I am starting to phase them out of my life and that soon they will just be a “blimp on the radar”. That scares me because I still do want them in my lives. I want them to see my kids and I want them to walk me down the isle, I want them back. 

Well life goes on and I go to work. I work retail and it has been absalutly crazy because we are preparing for a very important visit from a regional manager this week on Thursday. I was working on some projects with a co worker (hanging up clearance, you know, the mindless retail work) when all of a sudden my main manager who was working walked up to us in a semi panic saying that Jill* was coming in for a visit. Jill is our regional manager and her visits are a big deal and they are usually planned in advance, this visit was very unplanned and everyone got worried about what she is up to. Jill is not the nicest person and the general idea of her coming in was already raising my anxiety levels to a red flag point. My coworker and I continued to make small talk and hang up clothes, Jill walked in and immediately made her presence known in a not so nice way. It was at this point that I was thankfully relieved for my lunch break of half an hour. Things were tense, I wanted out of that place for a little bit!

I normally don’t eat at all so lunch breaks usually consist of me hiding in the stock room on my phone avoiding customers and taking some quiet time, today I just bailed and went to Chic-Fil-A to grab some nuggets. As I was walking back into the store with my lunch in hand I open the door to the back stock room and I nearly collide with Jill and my Manager Rose*. Rose was nearly in tears, she looked at me and said “goodbye” at which point I started to suspect that Rose had been fired. My anxiety had now peaked. I went to the back of the room and sat down to eat my lunch, Jill came back into the room alone, went into the managers office and shut the door and immediately went on the phone. I knew shit was going down. After my lunch break I returned to the sales floor where I could tell tensions were high. Rose had left the store, being escorted to the front door, and a new employ and manager were walking the floor. We all tried to go about our normal business but we all in the back of our heads knew that one of our favorite managers had been fired. Finally a couple hours later Jill left and it was made official that Rose had been fired and would no longer be returning to work with us.

There were tears from everyone and it continued throughout the night. I was in complete shock. my anxiety was super high, my stress was super high, I was actually shaking. From then on the afternoon kind of seems like a blur.

I went home way after my shift was supposed to end, helped get my sisters out of the bath and ready for bed and then retreated to the basement where I watched no less that four hours of reality TV. Tonight was a little better in regards to missing my parents, but the thought is still always there and it is haunting. I feel like falling apart but I know that will only set me back. One quote that I have really thought of a lot today is 

“Shes been through hell and came out an angel. You didn’t break her, darling. You don’t own that kind of power.

Keep fighting for a better tomorrow, until tomorrow, goodnight.

[a-path-to-recovery]

The Reason

I don’t expect people to read this blog. I merely created this as a space for me to jot down things that I am experiencing on this road to recovery that I am hoping to continue down. I am a young adult at the ripe age of 19, I am from Colorado and I live with mental health issues. I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and severe Anxiety. With this blog I hope to create a space where I can jot down my feelings and track my own recovery as well as a place where I can share my story and maybe possibly help somebody else who may be dealing with similar issues as me.