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Update 23/05/2022

Hello everyone, I've been gone for a long time, trying to recover and actually doing pretty good. It's been a hard year for me honestly and I feel like I'm lost somewhere in a loop, in a world where you can't go back nor move forwards. My meds have been working well lately too, I'm still depressed and all that shit but I have more ups as well and I think that's pretty good, maybe an advance?

I lost a semester of college thanks to some hard as shit anatomy exam, I have to go do it again during July/August and try to pass it yet I'm not too positive about it, I'm pretty sure I'll fuck it up again. Still, I'll try to go get a higher than 2/10 mark.

I feel like I have no purpose in time, getting a job is hard as shit here and my commissions haven't been working too well this year either, I've had very few and they're not enough for me to live on my own of course, I can't pay shit and my life expenses are just.. awful.

Seems like I always come here when I have something to complain about but this time I'm just doing a small and quick update to keep track of what's happened in my life until now.

I hope everyone out the is doing alright and if it's not, then I wish for your lives and everything to become better, things will change for good sooner or later so it only needs a bit of patience to wait and go through every single day. Sending you guys the best vibes here.

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Update 16/02/2022

Hello everyone, I hope you're doing alright there. I apparently come to write here every once in a while, whenever I feel like shit, most times forget to add tags and so on but that's not the point, is it?

I had a rough couple of days, not having a stable job is difficult and not having any commissions in general makes me feel like shit because I'm not working. But I'm not strong nor brave enough to go t the outside world and get a part time job somewhere else. The depression and anxiety are too big for me to deal with them and it makes me super anxious just to socially interact with people. I had a bad time on Sunday for example, I saw my cousins and knowing they have a non-part-time-job made me feel like shit, like, what am I doing with my life? It's fine, I'm studying to get a job somewhere once I'm done, but the wait is neverending. I feel like giving up of course, I feel like stop my studies and just get some mediocre job somewhere and get an awful salary to get out of my house not to bother my parents anymore. But one of my cousins told me to stay with my parents as much as I can. So what should I do? I'm doubting about all my life choices and everything I have in mind, I want to open a small manga and comics shop yet I need a ridiculous amount of money for that. Still, that can be like a project I guess.

I've been feeling unmotivated to do anything, I've been feeling left aside by everyone but I don't want to be an attention whore so I shut up and hide my feelings, feelings I don't understand and are like too much to me. They're overwhelming in general, you know?

I want to die, I feel like things would be easier if I could just escape from reality for a while, if I would get institutionalised somewhere, I guess I need some time to think things out and try to get my shit together because it's very hard to do it like this, studying and acting as if nothing hurts me so people see me as a strong person. But I'm not, I'm honestly shit and lame and I absolutely have no braveness whatsoever.

I'll go get some sleep here and then try to study for a while if I can, I'll be updating sometime soon I guess. If not, see you, future me.

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Update 29/11/2021

I feel like shit here once more. I'm writing not to cut myself when I'd love to see blood on my wrists or legs but I know it won't solve anything, I know it won't help me at all.

I'm back from my small holidays, I talked with dad and mum about me feeling like shit but there's no real explanation to it, they don't seem to "get it" or understand it at all. Mum minimises it and dad just won't accept it. Dad tells me I shouldn't feel like this when I have everything in life, when I've achieved lots of things I dreamt to achieve. But man, this sensation of sadness won't leave my chest, this feeling won't stop pressing on it until I feel like it'll be crushed at any moment. I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to be alive anymore. Death will bring me the moment of peace and ease I've been looking for.

How to explain my parents that sometimes there's no trigger to feeling bad? How to explain them that even if they support me I'll still feel like shit from time to time? I'll have ups and downs and that's a given, but tell me, when will downs stop being this dramatic and shitty for me? My dad doesn't understand me, my mum doesn't understand me and I don't know what to do anymore. I want to call my psychologist but my therapy session is on Thursday so I should be a good boy and wait. Maybe I should send her a message, I don't know for real what should I do anymore. Writing in English and Spanish won't help me at all, it doesn't help me release the tension, the feelings I'm fighting against, it's hard, everything's hard.

I want to listen to the saddest music and just smoke, cut myself, do something about it, I want to cry but tears won't come out.

Right now, the only reason why I'm alive is because of my girlfriend and because of my pet, I don't want to leave them alone but that's pretty much it, I want to torture myself and tell me how shitty I am, how anxious I am, how scared I am.

Final exams are close, that's making me anxious as fuck and I know it for sure, but honestly I don't want to fail, I'm scared of failure and I know that very well. Because I've always been the "perfect older brother" I've had such a weight on my shoulders that was put on me by my family and friends, by teachers, everyone, now I'm depressed as fuck and anxious as fuck and it's impossible for me to calm down. My mind won't stop wandering around shit and I won't stop thinking about thousand, million things, lots of "what ifs". I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of being a nuisance to everyone, I'm afraid of just being me...

What else to say, I'm feeling unmotivated also, I don't want to go to the gym, I'm a lier, I tell everyone I went when in fact I did not, when I stayed home, when I don't want to move from bed. What made me feel this way? What makes me feel like I want to die all the time? I can't help it and I can't hold it back anymore. It's hard not to tell anybody about it but when I don't tell them it's wrong and, when I do tell them, apparently it's wrong too because I shouldn't feel that way.

Again, I want to die, I want to cut myself, deeply, see lots of blood just to evade the real world for a while, I want to escape from this place called real life.

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Tw - I want to listen to Mitski and just cut myself idk anymore

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Nobody nobody nobody nobody

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15.02.21

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“I was 12 thinking about killing myself. I am 21, still thinking about killing myself.”

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Things no one tells you about when you’ve been mentally ill for years and it won’t get better

— everyone will give up on you. Some will say it upfront, some will have indirect ways of showing it (you’re a lucky mf if you still have someone )

— your symptoms/ breakdowns/ panic attacks are cute for a few months. Everyone wants to help. Later on people find them annoying and inconvenient

— you will be blamed for not getting better. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing therapy, taking meds, exercising, eating well and sleeping. You can do all of it, some of it or none of it. They will find fault in your efforts.

— desensitization to your pain. This one isn’t their fault, it’s human nature. But it happens and yes it hurts cuz you would wish you were desensitized to your own pain but you have to feel it no matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s the millionth time. It demands to be felt.

— people move on. But you can’t. You see people cope and get over things while you simply can’t. And it’s so much worse if you’ve been mentally ill for years. Even the smallest things break you and trigger you.

— you slowly realize this world isn’t made for mentally ill people in any way

— you’re tired / fatigued all the time. You have been for years now. You simply exist but you aren’t capable of living anymore. Your illnesses have taken everything that made you feel alive. You’re nothing but a shell. A body.

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I don't know how many times I survived myself without telling anyone.

-V. J.

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I don’t wanna get out of bed. I don’t wanna eat. I don’t wanna go to work. I don’t want to go anywhere. I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up.

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“What scares me the most is how much I think of suicide, and how I never talk about it.”

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