addictedtodis

[addictedtodis]

Unspoken

I don't get why she keeps making me try

To reach for a bond that’s already dry.

“Talk to your dad,” like it's just that easy,

But every word makes my insides queasy.

I don't want to.

I fake a smile.

I sit beside him,

But feel exiled.

I can't meet his gaze,

Can’t lift my head.

I stare past him

Like he’s not there instead.

I flinch at his touch, like fire on skin.

His voice grates my ears, it crawls within.

Each word he says

Like I’m peeling apart.

Like I want to scream

But silence guards my heart.

They say I'm his favorite. What a joke.

A porcelain doll for him to poke.

“Bunso ko yan,” he says with pride,

Like he ever stood by my side.

And on both sides, mother’s and his

He’s seen as kind, full of bliss.

And we—just kids, just brats to blame,

Ungrateful hearts who feel no shame.

But they don't see

The weight I hide.

How I shrink

Whenever he's by my side.

[addictedtodis]

Why can't my dad be happy. He compares so much always wanted to be the superior one when we talk abt shet he gets mad watdafak bro. You already wasn't happy when I graduated, your just not happy. You say you work for us but the only thing you give us is money for our education and I have to always think. "Atleast he didn't leave us, atleast he still pays, atleast I have a father".

..

[addictedtodis]

Damn

Man so I opened my tumblr acc again lol BCUZ solely for finding fandom of to be hero x i greatly rec and then my tumblr acc got revived lol i mean i never deleted it just the app.

But THEN i forgot that this tumblr was for the sole purpose of me ranting basically my notes app lol

And then reading this ONE this one rant I had makes me realize that damn I forgot I have been feeling that way since way bac then.

Because I broke up with my bf like earlier this Jan and the reason why we broke up is the reason for that one rant I have. It just makes me feel like wow so I did see it soon just ignored it.

Now though I'm having another complication in my love life since there is this dude that's interested in me. I blame myself for not learning boundaries and being polite. I give mixed signals, my friends scold me and I just realised that I really am giving so much mixed signals.

Because at first I loved the attention but then I was dosed with rationality. So def my fault (my one friend told me, I'm touch starved even when i had a bf back then thus why even tho i dont really like this dude it gave me an illusion that i do because he is touchy)

I try to find a way to like show no by not responding to his text that much (tho at the end of the day i give him response BUT I GIVE DRY RESPONSES)

Its just hard for me to confront and go "Hey do you like me or what" because this guy always says he is not interested in me watsoever. And I don't know what to do. (when he is really touchy and all)

My friend goes "if u reject him, Im super sure he would rant to me how you suck" (bcuz the dude is like a friend of a friend)

Idk Or should I just be mean and ignore him even though it's bad. Rather than giving him more mixed signals. Is it better for me to do that? But on the other hand I'm scared I would be known as that girl who played with his feelings.

(lowkey because he has some influence/connections ig and I don't want rumours to come when I'm about to graduate)

Its simple yet for me it's complicated to the point i wanna like smack my friends for thinking that way but then I smack myself too because I'm the reason why this shey happened

[addictedtodis]

I have a friend she is really suffering yet I want to help. I have been friends with her for 4 years already and I try my best to help her but her mother is really unbelievable and I can't help.

Now I have a problem. I AM THE PROBLEM lately I feel so weird whenever she talk about her issues I feel distant. I hate myself for it, sometimes I would even think about why she is talking about this stuff to me - I feel stressed. I hate that I'm only thinking about myself.

I can't be honest to her because I fear if I say those stuff she would end up doing something. I hate that I'm like this and I also hate that I can't even talk about my problems to her for fear of giving her burden. But on the other hand I feel so much burden, I hate that I'm feeling this way, I'm just so selfish.

There are times I think about ghosting her to go with my other friends. But I always stopped because she is my first friend and I don't wanna betray her, I love her and all that.

I hate it , why do I feel so much conflict. I shoupd just move on and kept symphatizing with her after all her life is so so much harder yet here am I so privelaged to the point I'm able to complain about this.

[addictedtodis]

9 days left until school

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[addictedtodis]

I now have the hobby of writing

to think this would just start from my friends joking around about oc's and then I started to make the lore of my character.

It's been like 2 months since I started and I made so many snippets of my character lore that I had to organize it.

Maybe in the future I can make it into a novel (In my dreams lol)

[addictedtodis]

I wish my parents wouldn't blame my anger to fucking puberty instead of seeing that they did something really shitty

[addictedtodis]

My sister is horrible but sh. became more like a b*tch after college.

[addictedtodis]

When mama says stuff about how she actually never planned to marry our father or when she talks if she raised us right i feel attacked and stuff. I know mama says this because she hates her life and i know its partially my fault if i was never born she would have never left work to take care of me. And mama tends to rant to us because she hates her life and I get it I get it

But deep down I can see mama regrets everything especially when she complains about us when she talks about how we do nothing in the house . Why we get angry at her when we are the one not helping and I get it I get it.

Its just hard so fucking hard I understand mama needs to let things out but its also hard to hear you know . She would tell us siblings about the problems we had which is Good its good

But sometimes i wish i never knew of that when i was just 9 . I sometimes missed it when i was ignorant of all the problems of how money hungry my relatives are on how neglectful my dad is and how miserable my mom really is.

I choked myself last night . I felt like it was better since you wouldnt see the mark becuz of the mark and i always tend to get red marks from the heat whatnot . It isnt like those self harming people do in their wrist i dont have the confidence to do that and its much easier for people to see.

Choking myself felt a bit blissful i liked the feeling when i couldnt breathe. But i know i shouldnt die so I stopped. Im not cruel and I dont wanna hurt my family so I wont do something stupid.

I just have to live and endure.

[addictedtodis]

Why do parents have to be hypocrites.

They keep asking whether I want a medical course and then when I say I could do any career- they get so angry that I just carelessly pick a career in the future and they say bunch of things about how I should want the career I would be WHICH I 100% AGREE IF NOT FOR THE FACT I ALREADY TOLD THEM MULTIPLE TIMES I WANT TO BE A PROGRAMMER .

Why can't they just say it straight to my face they want me to be a Doctor I WOULDN'T MIND BUT why the hypocrisy.

My mother would ban us from going out when we were kids and then complain why we weren't going out LIKE WTF. Like you would complain to your friends how your children are such lazy bums but then when we ask for permission to go out with our friends you say No because We would waste money and why would we when we can just spend time at home

Then THEN they blame the fucking Doctor saying they won't give me a check up – I DON'T KNOW MAYBE ITS WITH THE FACT WE HAVEN'T EVEN WENT TO A HOSPITAL SINCE LAST YEAR . IM PRACTICALLY BLIND I AM IN NEED OF NEW GLASSES –and I still need to have my brain checked or whatever because of seizures –

Then just this morning my mother scolded my sister for working out saying she is not the "sporty gal" WELL HOW WOULD SHE WHEN YOU WON'T EVEN GIVE HER A CHANCE.

And then Dad keeps talking about wanting a good life and all BUT HE KEEPS REJECTING THE SCHOLARSHIP IN ANOTHER COUNTRY SAYING THEY ARE UNTRUSTWORTY When – the one offering is a relative of us who wants to help because they knew people.

The most thing I hate is when mom would talk about our successful cousin like WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IM LIKE 16 and MY COUSIN IS LIKE 30-ish WITH KIDS NO WONDER SHE IS SO SUCCESFULL

ALSO Its not my fault that I didnt get tutors to study an instrument I mean I DONT EVEN HAVE AN INSTRUMENT YET YOU WANT ME TO PLAY ONE HOW??

Just I love them but can they stop saying the opposite of what they feel and what THEY WANT US TO DO

[addictedtodis]

Recently watched bocchi the rock and safe to say my seasonal depression was blown away. It made me determined to make sure I won't waste my vacation stuck in my home (even if I would prefer that). Wish me luck to secure a date with my friends <3

[addictedtodis]

family more like enemy-

me and my fam are scheduled to leave and visit my relatives which I dread bcuz whenever we were there we never felt safe. I won't go to details what they did but in a word they're vultures and cant trust any of them lest you wake up with nothing with you.

[addictedtodis]

Why does my siblings mock me whenever I try to help our mother. When I talk with my mom abt out problems i try to offer solutions literally becoming her therapist yet my siblings mock me for it. Though I understand them its their own way of coping

Sister 1 is the type to go away from the house just to get away.

Sister 2 calms down everyone would make excuses why no one is to blame in short she tries hard so theres no conflict

I on the other hand is shitty I get angry easily on behalf of my mom .

I wanna rephrased the mocking I said . Its more like they seem they are trying hard to make the issue aint as large as it IS and it annoys me .

Thats all

[addictedtodis]

the fact tomorrow is my exams and I didn't study. Instead I spent my time playing Honkai Star Rail

[addictedtodis]

Is it too much to ask for my parents to FUCKING FACE THE TRUTH THAT THERES A PROBLEM AND WE NEED TO FIX IT.

[addictedtodis]

I imagine my death for a few times this week. My birthday is near 2 days near and I imagined and imagined my death just before my bday how tragic would that be and how would people remember me? Would they remember me as a loved one, a loving friend, or a good person. Would strangers mourn for me, I imagine they would just think of me as that one person who unfortunately passed away just 2 days before her bday. Maybe they'll talk about how sad my death was.

[addictedtodis]

I hate it how my every question is ignored and I never get answered. Am I that annoying? Do I not deserve atleast a response