addisonclarke - Tumblr blog

[addisonclarke]

Last time I anticipated seeing someone the butterflies turned out to be warning signs

Fluttering their wings faster the closer I got to him like a bad game of hot and cold

When it ended it shattered the world around me, taking all of my soft parts with it and I hate to admit that I wondered if I would ever love someone like that again but you

You make both my lungs deflate whenever you’re around and most people exhaust me but I could never be tired of you but how I can tell you that

How can you not know when I watch you speak like I will never hear anything more important in my life and when I catch my breath when we make eye contact for too long

Why do I have to say it

Please don’t make me say it

And I hope you don’t have someone waiting for you

I hope you go to an empty house waiting for the right woman to make it a home and when you think about loving someone for the rest of your life I hope you think of me

[addisonclarke]

I never imagined that missing you would feel like my chest cracked open. I knew I thought about you every time I saw an ice cream sandwich or thought about the woods. I knew the photos I had saved on my phone made my lungs constrict and that every night before I went to bed I wondered what I did to make you go away

But you didn’t see it, you said.

You didn't know, you said.

Was it just that easy for you to pretend that you wanted me? Was I just a distraction to your miserable life because you were lonely and alone and drinking too much and you wanted someone to tell you that you were still worth but I don't think that’s true anymore

I had a whole speech prepared in my head about how you were going to come back like you always do and I was going to make you grovel because you deserve to you deserve to fight for me back you deserve to put in the work but I folded and I told you I missed you because it was bleeding out of all of my orfices and I had to say it I had to say it to you and you told me ‘okay’ you told me ‘miss me. I dont care’

How can you not care

I have loved you since I was sixteen years old I have waited for you every since since I have known what love was so how can you say you don’t care

I sat in your waiting room, hoping that you would come and find me and tell me you were wrong. We belong together. Please come back. I pictured too many late nights and early mornings and kisses and I love yous and I was always the one you came back to you said am I always the one you leave too?

It’s been a long time since the idea of someone didn’t exhaust me but you come easy to me, like a light drizzle that I don’t even have to use my wipers to make go away. You were always the one for me. Why wasn;t I the one for you?

[addisonclarke]

Margaret Atwood, Morning in the Burned House; from ‘Shapechangers in Winter’

[addisonclarke]

to the girl that she loves next

i hope you know that her favorite color is purple

and that she loves to get flowers and tulips are her favorite

she likes to sleep on the left hand side

and if you don’t play with her hair she can’t fall asleep

she hates coffee but will stay up all night with you and never complain that she’s tired

buy her her favorite snacks from the gas station every time you go because she will smile every time and if that’s not your favorite thing to look at then you don’t deserve to love her

she likes to be call pretty and beautiful and if you don’t tell her at least once a day she’s the greatest thing to have happen to you she’ll get sad so please remind her every day how amazing she is

she likes scary movies and always has to have popcorn but she only really likes kettle corn so always have some on hand

i still have a box if you need it

please just make her laugh

so loud that i can hear it from my bedroom window

it’s the only thing that can settle my aching soul

[addisonclarke]

i thought that finding out you had a new girlfriend would hurt a little bit more

i thought maybe i would cry

sink down to the ground and let out years of yearning and unrequited love

and maybe if i were nicer i would like her

i wouldn’t be making jokes at her expense

finding out she exists broke something in me but it also glued something back together

like all the things you’ve done to me in the last six month make sense

i do not forgive you

i will not forget

but my heart does not belong to you anymore and that’s the sweetest thing i can think of

[addisonclarke]

i don’t know what’s worse

losing the body that slept next to me almost every night or the voice that sang too loudly in the car with me

the lips that kissed my forehead and called me “my girl” or the girl that always found time to take a walk at sunset

i don’t know what’s worse

losing the girl i almost fell in love with

or the girl that was my best friend

[addisonclarke]

we slow danced under the light of the culver’s sign like a true midwest love story

and you kissed me just enough to leave me wanting more

your freckles lit up under the night sky glory and i wanted you forever but that got washed away from the shore

because you looked me in the eyes and lied

you held my hand knowing you wanted to hold another and now the lies are haunting me just like your laugh

[addisonclarke]

you ask me to be soft so i melt for you like the snow in march and you ask me to wait so i wait with a ticking in the back of my ears like an old grandfather clock creaking with age as i watch you live your life and count the ticks and pray you want me back

and then you ask for me back and i hesitate and slow down and stop at the red lights because the ache in my chest that was there when you left had suddenly returned and i can not dull it down

it had settled to a gentle purr whenever i’d see your face and now it’s a vicious roar at even the thought of your name but you asked me to trust you so i fell into your arms off a 20 ft ledge and you dropped me

[addisonclarke]

[addisonclarke]

Written poetry is hard for me

I know there is supposed to be to be structure

And rythm

And rhym

And you’re supposed to speak in metaphors

Use beautiful language to describe how the sun is setting

And make it mean something else

But how can I be structured when you scramble my mind?

How am I supposed to pick the most beautiful words when all I see is red?

[addisonclarke]

"I miss all my friends, all the time, constantly" Last Part.

Fredrik Backman, Us Against You // Ross Gay, “Catalog of Unabashed Gratitude” // @werenotreallystrangers // Karen Finley, "Black Sheep" // Eileen Myles, "Bone" // Chelsea Fagan, How We Let People Go // @adampvrrish // Michael Dumontier and Neil Farber, Stamp Collection // The National - "Perfect Song" // unknown source

[addisonclarke]

i wish that i could tell you that i won’t love him forever but that’s just not true because i dream about his face and his laughter could bring me back from the dead and you can hold my hand but his finger brushing my back purposefully on accident feels better than any kiss you could ever give me and in this moment i want you but on my death bed it is him that i will ask for with my dried up vocal cords

[addisonclarke]

i never saw this coming - you. the way you look at me and then look away because you accidentally smiled too hard or the way that you put your hand on my thigh as we’re driving and like to keep in between them when you’re cold.

it was only supposed to be a one time thing so why all the sudden am i waiting for your text message and getting butterflies in my stomach when you tell me you want to see me

[addisonclarke]

[addisonclarke]

my first boyfriend kissed like a lizard and the one after that cheated on me for three years and the one after that gave me an eating disorder so i know my taste in men isnt the greatest and i have low expectations but my fucking god do i think you are impeccable

[addisonclarke]

You wear that hoodie everyday like you don’t know it’s my favorite

And your sister never told you, but she thinks I was the one

When you tell me about her, you avoid looking into my eyes because if you did you would slip up and tell me you love me

So you can try as hard as you want to pretend like she is the one that you want but we both know who you called at 2 in the morning

[addisonclarke]

i don’t know your new girlfriend other than the fact she works in fast food and probably smells like grease but she’s probably also really pretty and i heard she was shy but that your mom liked her a lot and your sister was always indifferent to everyone but i think she’s rooting for us so when you’re ready please come back to me because she might be pretty and shy and everything you’ve ever wanted but she will never love you like i love you because i would run the earth 3 times around just to see your reflection in a mirror and sometimes i may stutter on my words and fail to conjure exactly the right thing to say but i promise it’s because i pick every word so carefully you have to know that you’re the one for me and i don’t think i could live with myself if she was the one for you