adhd-journal

[adhd-journal]

What I mean when I do not control the hyperfixation.

[adhd-journal]

hey long time no see. this year has been weird in terms of my hyperfixations. been having very specific ones, some of them chose me instead of me choosing them. i am being held hostage by black holes, dragons, quantum physics and The Chosen, oddly specific i know. i’m pretty sure i’ll be held hostage by House of the Dragon next once i finally watch it. This is fine. I am perfectly fine with the events that are unfolding currently

[adhd-journal]

that specific and very surreal emotion when youre in a genuinely SPECTACULAR mood bc youre indulging a lot in your hyperfixation but, separate from that, youre having a lot of trouble keeping up w a basic self care routine and simple responsibilities bc you just cant bring yourself to care much about them, so you have this background radiation of feeling kinda lazy and useless but you don’t actually think about it consciously much bc you’re too busy having fun hyperfixating

[adhd-journal]

Now that August is over, I feel like I’m slowly becoming myself again. 

I feel like everything is a little bit clearer, and everything is slowly making sense. Not entirely so, of course, because no one really has everything figured out. That would make living easier, wouldn’t it? But all I know is that at least today, life is a little bit more colorful. 

I had a really difficult time feeling grounded during my depressive funk. I still was aware of my surroundings, but I didn’t feel or appreciate the grass beneath my feet or the birds chirping as I used to. Now I’m starting to feel the sun’s rays on my face, and feel the wind against my skin. I’m starting to appreciate the flavor of food again, and the softness of the fabric that is draped over my bed. I’m slowly coming to my senses again. And, even if it only lasts for today, I’m thankful I got to experience that. It feels good to feel grounded and not so lost inside your head. Something inside me changed yesterday when I lit up a Christmas tree in my room. Sure, it might be too early to put up a Christmas tree, but I really needed to do it for my mental health’s sake. So, I did. It brought me back to all those years ago where I would sit by the tree and stare at it longingly for what seemed like hours. I would get lost observing every single detail of the tree; from the way the artificial leaves sparkled because of the lights illuminating it, to the way the Christmas lights sparkled like stars in the darkness. There’s something magical about Christmas that has aways uplifted me and has always made me feel energized. I still don’t know what it really is, but I was so angry and bitter for so long because I felt like those feelings were taken away from me. And I finally understood why.  When I look back, it’s understandable that I would feel sad or depressed during winter. A bunch of traumatic events happened to me during this time of year over the span of several years. Every single Christmas period was basically being turned to spiraling moments of stress, depression, anger, anxiety, and deep pain and hurt. What was before a time of joy and happiness became a moment of darkness. And of course, this kind of translated into me associating Christmas with all of these traumatic events and the heaviness I felt during those moments. For the longest time, I felt like that magical feeling I felt around Christmas time was taken away from me. Now even looking at a Christmas tree had lost its magic.

But now, I’m reclaiming it. 

Christmas has always been my time. For me, it symbolizes so many things—light in the darkness, warmth in winter, hope illuminating every house. New memories, letting go of the past, new beginnings. Christmas for me is about the joy of giving, and the thankfulness of receiving. It’s about the little things, about how happy my dad is when he sings Christmas music, about how happy my mom looks while she cooks our Christmas dinner. About how I feel when I look at a Christmas tree, just like I did all those years ago. This is all what Christmas is about for me. And I’m not letting anyone steal that away from me again. I have always loved Christmas and I’m so heartbroken that I let that side of me wither and die. But I’m thankful that it was never really gone. Now, I’m trying to turn the wasteland left behind by my trauma into a beautiful paradise. Today, I’m placing a Christmas tree in the middle of that garden. 

And this time, I will make sure it will stay shining forever.

[adhd-journal]

so... quick updates. we're in the beginning stages of a diagnosis, but seems like so far, my psychiatrist has agreed on ADHD and possibly dysthymia.. but i can't seem to be able to handle medication well, so we have to look at alternatives. so there's that. we'll see what happens.

but i need to vent fully tonight, or try to, so here's a post after a long time of not writing anything here...

today has been a strange day for me.

it's one of those days where i wonder if i'm actually introspective or just sad. no words are really coming out that can fully explain how i feel today. i guess that one of the reasons is because i'm drained because of my neuropathy, which is understandable. it always drains me after all.

i did some self care and whatnot, including sitting under the sun and meditating while the birds sang around me outside in our backyard. and now i'm here in bed staring at the ceiling while my tv is playing in the background. i'm just in a mood i cant really describe, but i'm allowing it and not fighting against it. if i'm feeling introspective, reflective, heavy-hearted, slightly numb and exhausted all at once tonight, then so be it. it's just been around 6 months since my breakup with my exhusband (was with him for a total of 8-9yrs, friendship + relationship + marriage all included there) and i still haven't finalized my divorce process yet because COVID-19 delayed everything... so it's okay not to be okay all the time. i don't need to have it all figured out yet. i'm still healing, i'm still hurting, still learning to mend myself with gold.

despite how i'm feeling, i'm very thankful that i have so much to look forward to! there's a bright future ahead of me—i just need time to get there.

i'll be alright tomorrow, i'm sure. but for tonight, i'll just... be.

stay safe, everyone. 💙

[adhd-journal]

I made some depressing “growing up autistic” memes

And yeah this is for the adhd peeps too

[adhd-journal]

DSM-5 CRITERIA FOR ADHD SERIES - PART 3

Hey everyone! Continuing the series here after what, 84 years? It’s been a crazy 2020 y’all, cut me some slack. ;P

So, here’s yet another installment in this series! I’ll probably tackle more symptoms instead of just one in this entry, so bear with me as I explain everything as much as possible. 

Experiences feelings of restlessness; has difficulty engaging in quiet, leisurely activities; is “on-the-go” or acts as if “driven by a motor”

Yes, for sure. For me it’s extremely difficult to stay completely still. I always have to be moving or stimming at least to some degree. This sometimes includes me using my stim toys or just rocking from side to side while I work. When I’m in bed, it sometimes makes it difficult for me to fall asleep without some sort of background noise. If I don’t have some background noise, my thoughts start racing and I simply can’t sleep properly and I feel like I want to do something and move. In order to help myself in this area, I’ve started listening to ambient music or white noise while I’m in bed or I leave the TV on at a low volume; I’ve also established a bedtime routine to help myself wind down and relax in order to sleep better. 

I feel like I’m constantly on the go, in a way... Sometimes it’s really annoying because I feel bored and I want to do something and I feel restless and I start to fidget. And if there’s absolutely nothing to do I feel anxious and I have the need to just do something. And sometimes the energy buildup becomes way too intense, and it ends up in me standing up randomly without any reason at all, doing full body stims, etc. So I’ve learned to handle this better by constantly moving if I feel the need, turning those emotions into something creative like art or writing, talking with my friends if they’re online, or simply listening to stimmable music or working out. Coffee also seems to calm me down enough for me to focus on what I need to do, so my daily coffee is a must. 

I have noticed that I do have difficulty engaging in quiet, leisurely activities. But I am able to do them if I have soft background music or white noise in the background. Meditating is one of them. Meditation has been a huge help for me in these last few months, but I wouldn’t be able to do it without music. Trust me. There’s no way I would be able to sit still in complete silence. 

So yes, these three ADHD symptoms definitely apply to me.

[adhd-journal]

I haven’t been posting here lately for many reasons, but mostly because I guess I have been in somewhat of a hermit mode, hehe. I started going to therapy since I’ve been dealing with a divorce that has really affected my mental health, and I have an appointment with the psychiatrist relatively soon to see if I can finally get diagnosed with ADHD. 

I’ve also been... mostly stressed due to COVID-19 sadly making its way to Puerto Rico and I do have several illnesses, but the biggest ones are asthma, and hypothyroidism (even if it’s under control for the most part, it still affects me. My thyroid was treated with radioactive iodine last year and I now have to take Synthroid for life.) So, you know... I’ve been trying my best to keep myself safe, calm and grounded as much as possible. I’ve also been taking good care of my parents and protecting them as much as I can with all the knowledge I can find regarding this virus and how to prevent it. 

That being said, yesterday I was definitely struggling these emotions. Fear, uncertainty, anxiety. It can be paralyzing and crippling, even... But, it’s okay to be scared when faced with uncertainty. It’s all a part of the human experience. But thankfully, I’ve developed better coping mechanisms to deal with these strong emotions. I wrote a couple of things to let it all out, reached out to my best friend, meditated, stimmed during the day a lot, listened to ambient music, and had a good cry last night where I let it all out. To be honest, I feel much better today. 

During these crazy times, I cannot say this enough: take good care of yourselves as much as you’re able to. It’s okay to take a step back from social media to ground yourselves and unwind a little... but self care is crucial during these chaotic times.

Sometimes the river of life is chaotic and it threatens to drown us with its turbulent waters. But it’s during these times that we learn how to swim.

[adhd-journal]

...........oh.

[adhd-journal]

I’m trying. I’m trying to let the words flow like a river, but all I end up with is... stillness. 

I am allowing myself to simply be. As difficult as it is for me, if I’m feeling like being quiet, I’m trying to avoid forcing myself to speak. I need time to heal, I need time to quiet down and be alone with my thoughts and feelings even if it terrifies me.

But this doesn’t remove the fact that I want to talk. Because to be honest, although being quiet when I need to be is also helping me, I just don’t want to fall into a deeper depressive state because that’s how it usually starts. I start being depressed and I start blocking my emotions and bottling them up. That’s why I’m trying to emote my feelings somehow, and that’s why I’m trying to at least talk things out while I seek out a therapist. It’s been doing wonders and it’s been helping me so far.

But there’s this part of me that is just... endlessly quiet. I have such a huge pain in my chest. I feel like a hurricane destroyed everything around me, I survived, and now I’m picking up the pieces after the devastation it caused. I’ve been introspective and also retrospective. Mourning, wishing things had gone differently and wishing that things had been handled better but also letting go of guilt and sorrow. Because... at the end of the day, no amount of longing for the past to change can actually change it. So I have to let it go eventually, forgive myself, and accept what happened so I can move on.

I'm hurting and healing all at once and it’s exhausting.

But... I’ll get by. I’ll be fine. I just need time, and I just need to be gentle and realize that it’s okay not to be okay. But just like the darkness ends eventually, this too shall pass. Because everything in life is perfectly balanced, so I need to trust that although my life is chaotic at the moment, everything will eventually settle down. I guess that I’m still learning to find comfort in the darkness, and beauty in the rain... 

[adhd-journal]

x

[adhd-journal]

i feel... numb. silent, exhausted... but mostly numb.

i don't even know why i am writing a vent post, because i feel like i have nothing to say. god knows i do have something to say. i have a lot to say. but thats exactly why i can't really... explain? i just.. can't put it into words.

but i'm tired. exhausted, betrayed, heartbroken, angry, sad, and i am about to face an emotional hurricane, probably the biggest i have faced in my entire lifetime so far, in about a week or so and i am terrified. but i have to... i have to. this situation i'm in has been going on for long enough. it needs to end.

its taken me almost 8 years to reach this point.

here i am facing the swirling winds and i have never felt so small.

but i'm not alone this time... i can withstand this. i can do this.

i just need to stand strong even if my knees are shaking. i can crumble and fall once it's over, and then i can finally start mending and rebuilding everything i lost during that time.

i just need time to heal... for now, i'll get by.

[adhd-journal]

adhd breakdowns are whack because ur bawling ur eyes out over some insignificant bullshit while simultaneously being unable to rid ur head of the chorus of All I Want For Christmas Is You

[adhd-journal]

The adhd modes of food

1. You ate that burger so fast. You ate that burger so fucking fast and now the whole Red Robin is staring at you god what the fuck

2. You started eating like a normal person, but then you started talking or daydreaming and now the waitress is handing you the check but you’ve still got half a plate of cold fettuccine

3. You were going to go out to eat, but then you saw a video in your YouTube recommendation that drew you towards it like moth to a flame, and now it’s 10 pm and you’ve got an empty bag of tortilla chips in your hand and shame in your heart

4. Mac And Cheese

[adhd-journal]

Anyone else get executive dysfunction but like,,, with sleeping?

I’m sleepy and and ready for bed. When am I gonna go to sleep? Heck if I know.

[adhd-journal]

[adhd-journal]

when yr adhd does the intense Anger thing n u gotta remind yr brain that u dont wanna throw yr phone full force at a wall