adrianattc-blog

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I am a mama, and I love it so much.

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Long Over Due

Hey everyone, it’s been forever since I’ve gotten on here and written something down. First off, my ttc journey is now over. I sit here 37 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. It’s been a long three years and it’s crazy to know he’ll be here so soon. I’m being induced at 39 weeks due to gestational diabetes. He was measured at 35 weeks and was already 6 pounds. (Also has a full head of hair) I have an appointment on the 5th to schedule the day I’ll be induced and I’m so excited. I can’t wait to meet my little guy. He’s been such a blessing and I’m so ready to love him forever.

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“Review & Pregnancy Planner Haul || TTC After Loss”

Another video for your viewing pleasure.

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I finally posted a video on my YouTube channel. If ya’ll have channels of your own and you would like me to subscribe, send me your user or link. I would love to follow more ttc journeys!!!

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I hope you are healing, please remember to try to take care of yourself. There aren't words to soothe that type of pain, but I will be keeping you in my thoughts <3

I’ve been feeling so much better. Thank you for your kind words <3

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Life Update

I have been dreading to write this post. I’ve been so down recently and having this blog and having woman who have gone through miscarriages and struggles with fertility has helped me get through my struggles. But it’s been so hard to sit down and actually say what I’m about to. 

I lost the baby. I don’t know why it happened again and I know that question will never be answered. This pregnancy was so different. I was experiencing every symptom you can think of. I felt myself gaining weight, I had nausea all day and my breast ached, etc. I felt so good even through I was feeling sick most days. Everyone was so positive and happy that I was having the “real symptoms” pregnant women have since the last pregnancy was nothing like that. The first pregnancy I was bleeding from the moment we found out I was pregnant and this time around I wasn’t even spotting. All the signs were pointing to “yes, there’s a baby growing inside you” and “yes, this means the baby is healthy.” 

I didn’t have my first appointment until I was 11 weeks and didn’t have my first ultrasound until 12 weeks. The day of the ultrasound I just felt very uneasy. I was nervous as hell and I just couldn't think positive. I was so scared to go in and not see a 12 week old baby. I didn’t. As soon as the tech touched my belly I knew something was wrong. She asked how far along I was and when I told her she immediately left the room. I lost it. I started crying because I knew what they were gonna tell me. The doctor came and told us to follow her into her office and she told us that the baby is showing at 6 weeks. She asked if I had maybe calculated my days wrong and I know I didn’t. She stayed hopeful and scheduled an ultrasound for the week after. If I wasn’t bleeding and I was still feeling the symptoms then best case scenario is I miscalculated. (I KNOW I DIDN’T! I AM 12 WEEKS!) I scheduled the ultrasound anyways, because despite the fact that I knew what was going on or what was about to happen, in the back of my head I was still hoping. I wanted this baby so bad. 

I started miscarrying 3 days before my next ultrasound. I was devastated. It was happening again. I just kept telling myself that it was my fault, If I had scheduled an appointment earlier maybe this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if I had stopped working and stayed in bed for the first few months I could have prevented this. I was going crazy and was falling into a really dark hole. I was scaring my boyfriend with some of the things I was saying and hated him for going to my sisters for help. I was scaring everyone. My sisters had decided they were gonna hospitalize me and I promised them I would’t do anything if the’d just let me handle this on my own. They agreed.

I took a week off work and just spent time by myself. I did my grieving. I started to feel like myself after a few days. I spoke to my mother and sisters and came to the conclusion that I didn’t wanna even think about trying again. I want a baby, more than anything in the world. But I don’t know if I can do it again.

At my last doctor’s appointment the doctor said she is going to put me on  progesterone, once I wanted to start trying again, or if I ever wanted to. I can schedule an appointment as soon as I start my third period since the miscarriage. At that point I was ready to give up. I didn’t want the idea of me trying again to even be floating around because I was done. 

Today I’m a lot better. I miss being pregnant everyday and I wish I still was. I miss my baby and I hate knowing I’ll never be able to hold them. I don’t think that will ever go away. I still feel it with the first baby and I will continue to feel it with this one and that’s okay. I never wanna lose that feeling because it makes me feel close to the babies I lost. 

Right now I don’t know how I feel about my ttc journey. I want my body to rest. I need my mind to focus on something else for a while. After the first miscarriage all I did was track and test, track and test and this time I just stopped. I have deleted my pregnancy apps and have kept busy with other things. It’s been good for me. There are a few days were I just start thinking of the idea of trying again, but I stop myself. I think my boyfriend and I need to focus on us before taking that step again. I haven’t been there 100% because I was just always focusing on getting pregnant. I need to stay here and live in the moment and stop obsessing about the future. So far it’s been working. I’m (gonna be) okay. 

If you got to the bottom of this, thank you for reading. I hope it brings a little light into what I have been going through and why I was absent and not updating everyone with the pregnancy. If you have any questions don’t hesitate to ask. My ask is always open. 

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with love, mommy. 👼❤️

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But I didn’t want to do that, because it felt like if I didn’t hold him, it would lessen the pain, which wasn’t the case. Obviously. Because I knew him.

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Back to Back

I had my first appointment yesterday. Nothing on baby, just all my history, blood work, urine, and paper work stuff. I’m at a new office and the people there are great. The nurse who helped me out was so nice and I felt very comfortable with her. She gave me so much sight on things I had no idea about. Beb really liked the place too. Today I met the doctor. He gave me a breast exam and a pap smear, which sucked so bad. My step-mother-in-law didn’t want me to get one, because of the miscarriage last year, but I trust my doctor. Yes, it’s very uncomfortable during and after, but I feel fine now. They said I could spot a bit, but nothing yet. So that’s a good sign. I have an ultrasound appointment next week and I’m so excited. I really hope we get to see baby and get to take a picture home with us.  

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While 11 weeks pregnant, your baby is about the size of a Roma Tomato. Your baby’s arms and legs are present. http://bit.ly/ReViO2

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I am your mother. You are my child. I am your quiet place. You are my wild. I am your calm face. You are my giggle. I am your wait. You are my wiggle. I am your dinner. You are my chocolate cake. I am your bed time. You are my wide-awake. I am your lullaby. You are my peek-a-boo. I am your goodnight kiss. You are my I love you.

(via xomamabear47)

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Today I am 9 weeks and 2 days into my pregnancy. I can’t believe I’ve made it this far and everyday I wake up so excited that I’m close to meeting my little one. Last year today I found out I was miscarrying. I think about that baby all the time, especially today. I blame myself, for not being careful enough or tough enough to have been able to go full term and no matter how many times I get told it wasn’t my fault I still feel that way. I am a lot more careful this time around. Take my vitamins, track my water in take and steps. I have lost so much, but have also learned so much. God has His plans for me and I know that I’ll be able to see my child one day. I have a little angel looking down on all three of us. RIP my little Jelly Bean. I love you. ❤️

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You’re 7 weeks pregnant and your wee-one is growing more baby-like at a light speed pace! About the size of a grape, the adorable arms and legs that will someday soon be splashing around in the tub have sprouted. While 7 weeks pregnant, your baby’s organs are growing more and more every day. http://bit.ly/YKp3t7

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Best Christmas Gift

So we told our families about the pregnancy. As much as we wanted to wait, Christmas was just too perfect to pass up. We recorded our parents reaction and we’ll be putting a video together for when we’re ready to tell everyone else. It’s an exciting time and it feels good to be sharing it with our loved ones. I’m happy we told them.

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I wanna yell at the top of my lungs and tell everyone I love that I’m pregnant!!!

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